Pitchfork - the Quest from Hell #4

>Question literally everything
You definitely won't let yourself roped into this without knowing the details. That's always the problem with these DEAL WITH THE DEVIL scenarios: somebody with way too many horns offers you something that seems to have no downsides, and then you're boarded on the train to SUCKERTOWN with no way out.
Except this offer does in fact have many glaring downsides, but you digress.
"So, Acre- Are- Parvati." You settle for a human name that you can memorize. You're too tipsy to remember demon names. Acerparva's eye twitches.
"It's Acerparva, not Parvati."
"Yeah, yeah, alright. I got some questions before I sign a parchment with my blood and damn myself to Hell or whatever."
"You don't have to si- okay, shoot."
>Inquire about stocks.
"Ssssssso. You say if I buy myself into your Big Brimstone Bank I can keep the necklace?"
"Yes. The necklace is the asset of Sisirrisi & Sisirrisi Avarice Trust. If you're a shareholder you're part of the trust, and you can keep the necklace."
"Okay. Why would I wanna do that? What can I do with hell stocks?"
She thinks for a moment.
"Well, uh, you can trade with further hell stocks, engage in business speculations, and-"
"And get more shiny brass coins out of it? Listen, Parvati: no bank accepts these on Earth. They have no exchange rate with any other currency and they aren't worth anything by themselves, they're made of fucking brass." You pick up a BRASS DENARIUS from the table and flick it at her head. She snarls at you but doesn't say a word. "Am I just buying my way out of being thrown into molten lava and whipped with barbed wire when I kick the bucket or something?"
"My name is Acerparva" - she growls, then sits back on the sofa and sighs. - "No, if you go to Hell you cannot buy yourself out of eternal torment. We have no domain over Heaven's punishment. However, even if you're in the Pit, your financial power will grow along with the Trust's-"
"Are you trying to tell me that you have shareholders who are literally burning in Hell?! And you think you can convince me that this is a beneficial deal?! Besides, what will I do with all my stocks and virtual cash if I'm being tortured forever? Fat load of good it's gonna do me then!"

"Well, y-you can use your financial power to do good! Improve living in Hell, bribe a corrupt angel to take out someone from the Pits!"
>Refuse offer, mention that the necklace isn't yours
"Oh, I see where this is going. This is the part where you try to convince me that the upsides make it worth it. But consider that you're a demon, and you're offering me a deal. Humans have entire libraries of literature about why accepting that is an awful idea. Sorry, girl, but I gotta pass."
She sputters. "B-but!"
You shut her up with a wave of your hand. "I might consider just SELLING you the necklace, if that means you'll leave me alone. There's a little problem though: the necklace isn't mine. It's my friend's right here." You gesture at Jess, lying on the floor with several DICKS drawn on her unconscious face. "You gotta wait until she wakes up, she's your business partner."
Acerparva takes a deep breath. "You're an unusually aggressive negotiator" - she remarks. - "Anyway, are you certain you're not willing to relinquish the necklace without her say?"
"Absolutely, completely, super sure. She's out cold now so you gotta come back later. She might consider selling her soul but I'm not gonna, and it's final."
"Listen, the process would be faster if you'd-"
"Did ya hear me? I'm NOT buying your stocks." She seems really desperate to get you into a deal. You wonder why.
Finally, she sighs and takes on a resigned face.
"Okay. If it's final, it's final. If you feel like going back on your word, here's my HELLPHONE ADRESS." - She takes out a piece of paper and juts down a number, then hands it to you.
>Lesser Demon Acerparva - 666-325-251
You take the paper and look at her. She looks kind of miserable.
"...Dude, I almost feel sorry for you. Here, have some pizza, then go back to your demon business somewhere else." You take a slice of PIZZA from the delivery box and give it to Acerparva. She starts eating it.
"Thank you. And remember, if you do want to buy our stocks-"
"Yeah, yeah, but I wont. Now scram."
"Okay" - she surrenders. - "I have three more appointments for today anyway. Praise the Bull."
With a puff of sulfuric smoke, Acerparva disappears.

>>1577906
i like your quest qm, but it would be nice if you could give us some options to vote on, considering i cant think of what we do next

>>1577959
>Ponder ramifications of what just happened
>Be Jess
>Be Agroppo

>>1578044
>be agroppo

>>1578044
>Be Agroppo

>>1578114
>Be Agroppo
You are now AGROPPO.
You are a LEGIONNAIRE, specifically a WAR DEMON in the service of GREAT PRESIDENT VALAX, commander of thirty Infernal Legions.
You are an old demon, older than most Legionnaires. You've seen many battles in your day, and like to brag about this. You also know an actual FALLEN ANGEL, and you would also brag about this if not for the fact that your friends also know him due to him being your INFERNAL COMMANDER. You like bragging in general.
Your circle of friends consists of a succubus, an incubus, a chump of a LESSER DEMON that you like to make use of as an errand boy, and a certain MERCENARY who serves another demon lord.
You are currently in your LIVING CAULDRON with nine healing STAB WOUNDS on your back and a mild CONCUSSION. The aforementoned chumpy lesser demon has apparently managed to lure you into a trap somehow and shanked you in the back. However, you're not dead which implies that he called 666 afterwards. You presume he PUSSIED OUT, which doesn't make his attack on you any less unacceptable. You'll have to punish the little asshole when you get the chance.

>What do you do?

>>1578163
try to find out what he is doing

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>>1578184
>Spy on Tumultus
Your MAGIC RESERVES are a oddly depleted, but you still have more than enough to spare for such a trivial task. Your eyes flare up with the unholy yellow light of TRUESIGHT as you lock in on TUMULTUS' living cauldron.
>Fail to spy on Tumultus
For some reason you find that your all-seeing gaze cannot penetrate the meager walls of the lesser demon's abode. You think you can make out the faint silhouettes of several large SIGILS on and in the walls. Is he using some kind of magical PROTECTION?
Bullshit. No way that a mere LESSER DEMON could outwit a LEGIONNAIRE like you. That couldn't ever happen. You must be simply fatigued from the shanking you recieved not long ago.
What little you can make out is that he is, indeed in his LIVING CAULDRON, but you can't clearly see what he's doing. Since you're unfamiliar with the layout of his cauldron, you don't know which room he's in, either.

>>1578225
Go to his place and bitch slap him around

Ask the suc for help saying she can have him as a play thingy

>>1578272
>Call succubus for help
Now he's done it. This is the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, and you will actually, literally break his back.
The attitude of the little fucker. You've been nothing but good to him, made sure he found his proper place in the world and took over things that would be too much for him, and this is how he repays you? By stabbing you in the back? You're gonna show him why he's a LESSER DEMON and you a LEGIONNAIRE.
You reach for your POUCH to retrieve your HELLPHONE, only to find it missing. The whole pouch, with your hellphone, two vials of BOTTLED SOULS and nineteen BRASS PIECES, is gone!
No way.
He stole it from you.
Alright, that's it. You just intended to teach him a lesson but now you're intent on KILLING him.
You stomp into your BEDCHAMBER as well as you can stop with a serpentine body. Your LANDLINE HELLPHONE stands on your nightstand. You pick up the receiver, bang in 666-469-321 and let yourself stew in your indignation and anger while the hellish screaming from the phone subsides.
A female voice picks up on the other side. It would be irresistibly sultry if not for the persistent, annoying VOCAL FRY.
"Yeaaah? You've reached the KUNIGUNDA household. What's up?"

>Begin conversation. What do you say?

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((Off topic: I think this image is a good summary of Brighton after recent developments.))

>>1578442
>its your boy agroppo, that little faggot tumutlus assaulted and robbed me. help me get revenge

>>1578509
>"It's your boy Agroppo, that little faggot Tumultus assaulted and robbed me. Help me get revenge"
An exaggerated gasp can be heard from the other end.
"No way! That lil' shit! What'd he do to you, sweetie? Oh Lucifer! That lil' shit!"
"Stabbed me in the back with a pitchfork three time. And then he took my pouch. I'm lucky I survived."
Another exaggerated gasp comes right on cue.
"No way! [I]No way! Absolutely-hair-raising! No way! The ungrateful little prick!"
"Right? My thoughts exactly." You are annoyed by Kunigunda's REPETITIVE SPEECH PATTERNS, but then again she is a lot younger than you. "After all I've done for him and I only asked for a few errands here and there..."
"Oh he's gonna get it alright! He's gonna get it, he will!" - Kunigunda continues her monologizing. - "Want me to ring up ZEZEON, too?"

>Yes
>No

>>1578916
>No
I just thought this could be a tage team thing with just us.
You want a new toy right?

>>1579002
>No
"I just thought this could be a tag team thing with just us. You want a new toy right?"
"Oh, you have no clue, sweetie. The IMPS are getting so boring!"
"Time Tumultus learned a lasting lesson. You can keep him for a while if you want."
"That would be just perfect! Lil' shit would finally learn his place! Just perfect!"
She sounds on board with your plan. You mutter a quick praise to Lucifer for her excitable nature.
"So, where should we meet? When should we? That lil' shit is getting what's coming to her!"

>Where and when will you meet with Kunigunda?

>>1579027
Weenie Hut Jr.

...N-not that I ever go there or anything *nervous laughter* It's just a couple blocks away from that shits place. Besides, they have pretty good milkshakes.

>>1580214
The milkshakes bring all the deaomns to the yeard and they like it better then yours
I teach but il take your souls

>>1580214
>Weenie Hut Jr.
You remember that Tumultus had some weird mortal cartoon show about TALKING SEA LIFE or some shit like that. It's as childish as it is laughable, but it gives you an idea.
"There's this BAR just a few blocks down from his cauldron. Meet me there in, say, an hour?"
"Excellent! Perfect! Good!" - comes from the other end, accompanied with a rythmic crackling sound. You suppose she's cracking her knuckles (and knowing her, also her toes) in anticipation. "I'll meet you there in an hour's time. Just sixty minutes and I'm there!"
"Great, Kunigunda. I'll be waiting there."
"Yes, yes, good! See you in an hour then! That lil' shit...!" She hangs up on you.
You take a deep breath. Kunigunda is on board with this, that's good.
On the other hand, you really hope she doesn't find out you regularly visit the place for MILKSHAKES.

>What do you do now?

>>1582365
time to get dressed all fly
cant be drinking milkshakes like a boss and breaking back stabbers with out looking good,

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>>1582381
>Get dressed all fly
This special occasion calls for a special outfit. You open your WARDROBE to inspect your outfits.
A moment later, you remember that you don't, in fact, own any. All you ever wear is PAULDRONS and POUCHES.
You pick out the fanciest pair of pauldrons you own. You bought these on impulse once, and they were begging for an appropriate occasion to wear ever since.
You also clip a REPLACEMENT POUCH onto your belt. It doesn't have your HELLPHONE in it, since that little motherfucker stole it, but you do pack twenty-five (25) BRASS PIECES to pay for your milkshake.
Wow, it's almost like you're getting ready for a DATE with Kunigunda. Which is awkward, especially due to her frequent, uh, DALLIANCES with Zezeon.

>>1582590
Go to the bar

>>1582590
totaly not a date
but act like wenaver gothere get the staff gives us the favdrink

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>>1582945
>Go to bar
It's about time you got on your way. You check once again to see if your pauldrons fit right, then you slither out the door of your LIVING CAULDRON and close the door after you.
There's a GARGOYLE on the street corner. You recline on the saddle on his back, toss him two BRASS PIECES and name the address of the bar. The gargoyle spreads his massive WINGS with a shriek and takes you off through the red-clouded sky of Hell.
Aside from the occasional other gargoyles or UNCLEAN BIRDS, the sky is relatively clear. All you can hear is the howling of the wind and the swooping wing beats of the gargoyle hauling you through downtown Dis. You're kind of nervous about meeting with Kunigunda by yourself, and you have to remind yourself that you're actually just planning to murder Tumultus with her help.
After half an hour, the gargoyle lands in front of your favorite BAR. He folds up his wings and asks for a tip. You climb down from the saddle and kindly tell him to fuck off. The gargoyle huffs in offense but skulks away to look for another customer.
You enter YOUR FAVORITE BAR. On second thought, it's painfully obvious that this is a milkshake place. The do have ALCOHOL though; in Hell, all bars carry alcohol.
You sit down on a bar stool and look around. Kunigunda is not yet here. Given her tendency to RUN LATE, you estimate her to show up in about 15 minutes.
Do you order a drink before she shows up or do you wait?

>>1584010
Order a drink
But make its a milkshake but in a alcoholic drink cup so she wont know what your drinking.
Also this is how you cheat ar drinking games

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>>1584070
>Order milkshake in scotch glass
"Yeah, hello? Pass me a milkshake please. Pour it in some booze glass, will you?"
The bartender, a burly war demon with long venomous fangs, raises one eyebrow, but complies.
You slide nine BRASS PIECES across the counter. You get a COMPLETELY HARMLESS NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK (IN SCOTCH GLASS) in return.
You sip your milkshake while thinking about the impending demise you're about to inflict on that miserable two-headed dickwad. It makes the drink about thirty percent sweeter.
Just when you finish the drink, the door opens and KUNIGUNDA enters, accompanied by frequent joint cracking. From where she is, you look like you just finished a SCOTCH.
To say that Kunigunda is bendy would be somewhat of an understatement. You have never seen her twice in the same pose before, and you've never seen her move the same way twice either. The snake-skinned bundle of limbs that is the succubus moves up to your stool and climbs up to the adjacent one, sprawling out halfway on the counter, revealing a relatively mortal-looking set of two arms and two legs. She cracks a big smile through black-painted lips.
"Agroppo, sweetie! I'm so glad I see you! So excited! I'm super pumped!"
She "sees you". She has no eyes. This is a paradox you never really gave a thought before, but it's pretty confusing. Also, how does she use TRUESIGHT like this?
Anyway, she's sitting right here, you shouldn't screw up your da- YOU MEAN your revenge lynching. Yeah.

>Begin conversation. What do you say?

>>1584287
Oder a 2nd drink
And start talking about how we gona take him out

>>1584547
>Order second drink, start discussing revenge
"Hi there, Kunigunda." You keep your cool with relative ease. You wave for the bartender."Another, please!" You flash a meaningful stare. The bartender complies and pours some SCOTCH into a glass.
It's burning your throat and you can barely hold back your coughing. You absolutely cannot stand alcohol. You really hope it's not too obvious from the outside.
"Do you want something?" - you ask the succubus, just to be polite.
"Sure, sure! A MILKSHAKE maybe, I do!"
...Son of a fuck. You expected her to be a hard drinker or something. The scotch is unbearably bitter in your throat.
Well.
You order a MILKSHAKE for Kunigunda. The bartender flashes a knowing grin.
Bah, whatever. You can still save this no problem. You've fought the legions of Zagan on the fields of Megiddo, something as trivial as a da- YOU MEAN revenge lynching shouldn't be an issue for your intellect.
"So, uhm... Do you remember why I called you here?" - With Kunigunda, you can never know.
"I do, yes! We'll teach Tumultus a lesson! Yes!"
"...Right. So, you know his cauldron, right?"
"His cauldron, his cauldron! I've been to his cauldron, Agroppo sweetie."
Wait.
"You what?"
"A little teasing, you know? Just a little, you know! I thought I'd give him a little incentive, a little motivation, to behave himself better like a lesser demon should! But her rejected me! Turned me down! See it didn't stick too, he stabbed you he did! That lil' shit! No way!"
...That you didn't know about. Apparently she visited him before...? This could be useful if she knows his cauldron.
Seriously though, who would turn down Kunigunda? What sort of weakling is he? Just shows he really needs to be put in his place.

>Inquire about Tumultus' cauldron
Alright, this took you off guard but it's very, very useful information.
"So you've been to his cauldron then?"
"Yes, yes, I have! Been to his cauldron, that lil' shit! Just said a moment ago! You should pay attention, or I'll have to repeat myself!"
Oh the irony.
"Sooooo... what is his cauldron like?"
For the first time during this conversation, the shit-eating grin disappears from Kunigunda's face, replaced with an exaggerated quizzical expression. Is there any gesture she cannot overexaggerate...?
"Ouhmmmm... it's been a while ago, back, back, so I don't remember all of it. I don't! But, it's tiny, very small, and he had a huge library, with lots of books, lots of books! He reads a lot. Also an armory, but it just had more books instead of weapons! No weapons!" - she laughs. - "And a spacious living room, and a small chamber, like a cube! Bare walls, empty! He had nothing in there."
You've been to the living room - that's where he stabbed you when you apprached the CHALK HEPTAGRAM, afterall - but the rest of this information is new to you. Sounds like Tumultus is even more of a nerd than you thought.
Now you can formulate a better plan for cornering the sniveling little bastard, without any unpleasant surprises.
"Alright, Kunigunda. Here's the plan..."

>Detail plan for revenge.

>Bust the door open somehow, search the house, and restrain Tumultus. Kunigunda did bring some straps, right?

>>1590859
>Bust down door, search cauldron, restrain Tumultus with BDSM leather straps
You begin to explain your brilliant plan. Kunigunda nods along, accompanied by loud slurping as she downs her MILKSHAKE.
"So first of all we'd approach his cauldron and bust down the door. We gotta take him by surprise."
"Then we split up and search the house. Best would be if we went from two different directions so he'd have fewer escape routes."
Kunigunda's eyes would be glued on you, had she had any eyes. Perfect. You saved the situation.
"Then, when we catch her- um, you do have some STRAPS with you, right?"
"Yes, of course! I have straps, I do! Really good leather, sturdy!"
Of course she does. She's a succubus.
"...Right. So when we catch him, you restrain him with your straps, and we get to teach him a lesson."
The smile on her face widens a little bit.
"I get to beat him up first" - you add quickly. - "Then you can keep him as a plaything if you want. If you get bored of him, just tell me and I'll gladly kill the little fucker, free of charge."
"Yes, this is a good plan, an excellent plan!" She's super enthusiastic about this. Are the IMPS really that boring...?
By the time you finish, she's slurping up the stray drops of milk from the bottom of the glass with her straw. It's time to get on with this revenge already.

>Revenge time!

New thread: >>1590896