Pitchfork - the Quest from Hell #3

>Well I don't know how to get back. Can you look after my body?
Obviously, you have no intention to remain in HELL for the rest of your days, but you need a bit more time with the piles of GRIMOIRES to devise how to get back your body.
"I'll get back eventually, don't worry! But it will take a little time, I guess. This is all new to me too, Brighton, I might not sound like it but I'm flipping out on the inside too, you know. I got a bunch of books about magic here, if you give me a little time I can figure out how to come back. Can you make sure my body doesn't, like, die of thirst in the meantime?"
"Okay, Jess. It's all good, I'm just glad you're fine. I'll take care of you, you can go be a magic nerd without a worry."
"Thank you Brighton. You're the best. I'll be back in a while, alright? See ya."
"See ya, girl." She hangs up.

...Whew. This was emotional. You just realize how emotional it was, it's difficult with your occasional tendency to BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS.
It's no time to cry now though, you have to go back to your books and figure out how to distrupt this weird possession thing.
You open back up "The Paraphernaliae of the Magician" by Gor the Weak and start to compare it with the "Gesta Infernorum", written by an anonymous Satanic priest sometime in the 13th Century.
You tear up a little over the pages. You feel bad for pulling Brighton into this infernal clusterfuck, even if you had to.

>Be Brighton
You are now BRIGHTON MACKENZIE. Your BEST FRIEND has apparently been trapped in HELL and is currently working on a way to get back from there. Right now, you just finished an extremely heartfelt and extremely sappy conversation with her that almost had you crying.
Alright, time to stop being all feelsy. You're too TOUGH for this. Jess asked you to do shit, so you're gonna do shit. "Shit" being taking care of her CATATONIC BODY, which is currently the only other occupant in her apartment. Other significant objects inside the house include an ODD NECKLACE in your hand, two BOOKS on Jess' desk, a pile of SALT on the table, several bottles of ALCOHOL in the living room and a mug of DO-IT-YOURSELF HOLY WATER standing on the edge of the kitchen sink.

>What do you do?

Read the books and try to figure out how you deal with this dumb necklace!

>>1566401
Wash her body
The take her home with you
Or just live here?

>>1566401
Also whats happened to the snake demon that took over the body?
What he doing

>>1566542
>Be Tumultus
Tumultus is currently too busy being trapped inside his own body by a mortal as a result of a MAGICAL BACKFIRE and is thus not available currently. Please call again at a more opportune time.

>>1566535
>>1566470
>Wash Jess, take her home later
Considering she woke up with a right hangover today, you presume she didn't bathe before whatever demon shittery happened and forced her to focus on OTHER ISSUES than personal hygiene. It's a good start to taking care of her.
You pick up JESS' BODY from the bedroom floor where you left her, and carry it over to the BATHROOM.
You take off her clothes and bundle them up neatly. You then haul her body into the BATHTUB and, carefully not to burn her, set the water temperature to an acceptable level. You the proceed to WASH her down to your best ability.
...This is super awkward. Man, you really hope she gets back before the issue of FEEDING her or POOPING comes up.
After you're done, you retrieve a fresh set of clothes from her WARDROBE, dress her up and carry her back to the bedroom. You deposit her onto the BED and prop her up with a bundled-up blanket.
You decide to take her back to YOUR APARTMENT, but that will have to wait for some time. It will take an hour or two before the SUN sets, and a girl carrying another, unconscious girl on public transportation isn't as suspicious during the night. It'll just look like you two were out drinking and she couldn't hold her liquor, which isn't at all unlikely when you consider Jess'... usual habits.
Until then, you'll have to pass the time somehow and maybe make her DRINK every once in a while.
>Read the books on the table
A way of passing the time until sundown immediately presents itself in the form of two BOOKS resting on Jess' desk, right next to her COMPUTER. They look pretty witchy, maybe you'll even find some info about this weird necklace in one of them!
One is a messy, homemade-looking book, the other is a thicker, older-looking tome that has seen proper print.
>Jess - Book of Shadows
>Heinrich Kramer: Malleus Maleficarum

>>1566612
>>Jess - Book of Shadows

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>>1566800
>Read Book of Shadows
You feel kinda bad about peeking into this. It was made by Jess, afterall, it's probably private stuff. Still, it might hold some clue to the nature of the necklace - you don't even know where the thing came from, she might have had it for years for all you know.
You flip open the BOOK OF SHADOWS.
You turn a page.
Then another.
Then another.
You blush and turn another page.
Eighteen pages later, you close the book. You're extremely embarassed.

...This was written by her in HIGH SCHOOL. It's a disjointed mess of magical spells taken right from the internet, angsty teenage poetry, revenge fantasies written or scribbled onto the sides and EDGY OCS, with a superficial understanding of Wicca sprinkled on top. In some places, there are PENTAGRAMS scrawled onto the pages with dried BLOOD staining the page in its middle. None of them seem remotely functional. You note that you did not have the ability to determine if a pentagram is functional before.
You feel awful now. This is probably some old shame of hers from a particularly difficult PHASE during early high school.
That said, it does feature a reference to the NECKLACE, specifically a drawing of it, and later on a half-finished outline of a spell for utilizing it. It offers no information about its origins, however.

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>Read Malleus Maleficarum
You carefully set the BOOK OF SHADOWS back down on the desk. You're not mentioning this to Jess when she gets back.
Instead, you pick up the printed copy of the MALLEUS MALEFICARUM, written by a 15th century Dominican inquisitor called HEINRICH KRAMER. You've heard of this book on the internet before, it's apparently some sort of WITCH HUNTER MANUAL. You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but maybe an INQUISITOR would know something about ACCURSED NECKLACES and DEMONIC POSSESSION.
Man, this is a doorstopper. It goes on for 76 freaking chapters. You don't intend on reading it cover to cover so you'll just flick through this text.
>Read book
You open the book and begin reading Herr Kramer's how-to-burn-the-witch handbook.

Two hours later, you have gained the following pieces of information:
1. Heinrich Kramer was reeeeally obsessed with dicks. He dedicates several entire chapters to witches stealing penises or cursing men with infertility. You'd rather he dedicated zero chapters to this topic, since he describes it all in loving detail.
2. Heinrich Kramer was also a rampant sexist. Yet again, a whole chapter details why women are more susceptible to the Devil, and it goes downhill from there.
3. Another thing Heinrich Kramer was obsessed with was, apparently, DEMON RAPE. You're not going to list any further the things he was obsessed with.
4. This book probably resulted in more than one innocent burned at the stake.
5. He considers the best remedy to demonic artifacts to be FIRE. You find this claim tenuous at best based on your experiences with the necklace.
6. This guy was such a religious fanatic that even the Inquisition disliked him. Everyone has standards, you guess.
7. There is no detailed explanation on how to perform an exorcism in the book, though he acknowledges that it can be done. That's something you already knew, however, as you found it out yourself after whipping up your very own homemade HOLY WATER.

Long story short, this was a thorough waste of your time and made you progress exactly zero steps. You're certain that HEINRICH KRAMER will not play any further part in this bullfuckery whatsoever.
On the other hand, you managed to kill enough time that the SUN has set. It's nighttime now, carrying an unconscious girl through the street won't be as suspicious now.

Alright, try burning the thing. May as well try.

>>1570846
Time to putt sunglasses on here and make out she has passed out from drinking
Which isnt too far from what happened

>>1572182
Maybe we can go try to find a Catholic church. With any luck, they'll know how to perform a proper exorcism.

>>1572192
Lets bring her body back home with us
We can call ip a church to come over the next day
But i dont think most would be able to do anything

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>>1572136
>Burn necklace
Eeeeh, to hell with it. It can't hurt to try out the insane inquisitor's suggestion. In the off chance it actually destroys it, that would make reading this book not entirely useless.
>Attempt 1.: Open flame
Maybe it's the flame itself that will do the trick. You fish out your LIGHTER from your pocket, and light it under the necklace.
After three minutes, the necklace doesn't even seem as much as singed. Clearly this isn't sufficient.
>Attempt 2.: High temperature
Maybe it's not the flame, but the heat. You open Jess' OVEN and place the necklace inside. You close the oven shut, turn it on and crank up the heat to the highest it will go.
After ten minutes, you shut off the oven and remove the NECKLACE. There is no damage, despite the fact that it's partially made of wood. Furthermore it doesn't feel particularly hot either, despite having spent ten minutes in a blazing oven. Hmmmmmmm.
>Attempt 3.: HUGE open flame
...NO.
You might try this later, but after busting down her door and smacking her in the face, making a bonfire out of Jess' furniture would be going OVER THE GODDAMN LINE. Trying this has to wait until you come across actual FIREWOOD.

Summary: Kramer doesn't know shit about demonic artifacts. NEXT!

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>>1572182
>>1572326
>Equip sunglasses
To lessen the suspicion even further, you whip out your sweet-ass SHADES and put them on. Your "drunk girl" aesthetic is now complete!
Of course, you will bump into literally everything with SUNGLASSES on in the night, but that only strengthens your "drunk girl" aesthetic, you suppose.
>Haul Jess home
Alright, time to go home. You pack some of Jess' stuff into your BAG, take a bottle of BEER from beside the couch, then lift her and hook one of her arms over your shoulder, and stumble out the door.
You close the door behind you, but of course you have no way to LOCK it. You really hope nobody breaks in until Jess gets back, then you'll really feel like shit.
You walk down the street with your unconscious friend in tow, and board a BUS going in the direction of your place. You make sure to appear as out of it as possible, and occasionally you chug a little of the BEER in your hand. Some people give you disapproving stares, but nobody is particularly interested in you and the catatonic vessel of your best friend. Perfect.
>TIME UNTIL MEETING DEMON: 45 MINUTES

>>1572411
doodle on Jess's face while we wait.

>>1572411
Order pizza

>>1572952
>Doodle on Jess' face
Drinking the beer to pretend being a DRUNK GIRL is slowly turning you into an actual DRUNK GIRL. A TIPSY GIRL, more specifically, you're not that drunk yet.
However, you are drunk enough to find retrieving a PERMANENT MARKER from your bag and doodling all over Jess' unresponsive face to be funny. Now several DICKS decorate her visage, along with little DEVIL HORNS on the side. If she's in hell, you might as well look the part. You start giggling.
Your fellow passengers flash a few judgemental stares, but nobody intervenes in your defacing of Jess', well, face.
>TIME UNTIL MEETING DEMON: 25 MINUTES

>>1573107
>Order pizza
You haven't had lunch today, so you feel HUNGER catching up to you. You forgot about being hungry in all the panic and emotional bullshit of the last few hours, but now your stomach is getting more and more demanding.
You decide that you're not in the mood or state to cook, and your friend's amazing gastronomical skills are useless at the moment, considering that her consciousness currently resides in an OTHERWORLDY PLANE OF ETERNAL TORMENT.
Therefore, you will order PIZZA. Even better, you will order it right here on the bus so it arrives by the time you get home.
You lengthily consider what sort of pizza you want, and eventually decide on QUATTRO FORMAGGI.
You pull out your PHONE and dial a local pizza place with 0-24 delivery.
"Yes, hello? I'd like to order a medium four cheese... Yeah, with delivery."
You give your adress.
"Thank you. You guys are a lifesaver. Good night." You hang up.
You don't think ordering pizza on a bus is particularly weird. The passengers seem to agree, as the DISAPPROVING STARES have stopped.
>TIME UNTIL MEETING DEMON: 10 MINUTES

>>1573501
I'm not sure what to do now.

maybe take stupid selfies with Jess's ruined face for blackmail, once she stops being possessed?

>>1573856
Wont do it for blackmail more for fun
And dont for get to sit here down when you get home and sing and talk to her about things you normally wouldnt with her.
And man how long is this bus ride

>>1573856
>Take stupid selfies with Jess
You already have your PHONE in your hand, so you might as well archive this marvelous moment for the future. You quickly snap several SELFIES with the BODY ART you've made of Jess' face. You'll treasure these for as long as you live.
...Probably not but still
>TIME UNTIL MEETING DEMON: 5 MINUTES

>>1574974
>Man how long is this bus ride
Finally, the bus pulls up to your stop.You get off and haul Jess with you.
You rent an APARTMENT on the fourth floor of the house. A PIZZA DELIVERY MAN is standing at the door. You thank him for the delivery, pull out your wallet and pay him, along with a tip. You then open the door, enter the house and cram yourself into the ELEVATOR along with Jess and the hot pizza box.
At the fourth floor you get out and unlock your APARTMENT. You are immediately greeted by a cranky female voice.
"Finally! I thought you'd never show up. I'm busy so hurry in and listen."
In the most unexpected plot twist of the decade, there is a DEMON sitting on your living room sofa.

>What do you do?

>>1574986
Ask it what rent it pays to be chilling ij my house
And dose it like pizza?
Then yell at it for missing with jess

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>Examine demon
It’s a little person. Not like a child, more like a really short adult, no more than three feet tall. Of course, human adults usually don’t have REDDISH SKIN or MASSIVE HORNS protruding from their heads, but you digress.
The first thing that is blaringly evident is that she is a TESTAMENT TO BODY-MODIFICATION. Piercings, spikes and rings stab through her skin in various places, granting her a savage appearance despite the perfectly orderly and businesslike WAISTCOAT she wears, with a large and shiny COIN pinned to its breast. Her arms are completely covered in TATTOOS, which are mostly various circular SIGILS and MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS.
Upon a little inspection, you realize that you know these equations - you learned them on econ course. They’re economics formulas.
Why???
The demon has her face fixed in an expression of abrasive impatience. It holds a clipboard in its, well, let’s call them HANDS but they more closely resemble intricate tools of VIVISECTION. All of her fingers tipped with serrated, scalpel-like NAILS. How she does anything careful with them is a mystery.
She wears a long black SKIRT all over her lower body, so you can’t discern if she has humanlike LEGS, though the movements under the skirt suggest that she doesn’t. On the other hand, what you can discern is that she has some rather generous curves despite her short stature.
Your idle staring is interrupted by her irritated voice.
“Do you intend on gawking at me all day or will you finally sit down and listen to me?! By Lucifer, if all mortals are this slow I have no clue how you get anything done at all!”

>>1575264
>Ask what rent it pays to be chilling in your house
You're just about done with demons and their ilk screwing with your life at this point. You won't take any shit from this be-clipboarded little IMP, no matter how spiky she is.
"Listen up, dude. I don't know why you're here but if you want to stay you better pay your share of the fuckin' rent. I'm not in the mood for talking to freeloading demons bunking up in my living room."
The unusual boldness freezes whatever further vitriolic comments she might have had in stock for you. Her face quickly flashes through surprise, offense and anger, finally settling on a resigned expression. She pulls out a large WALLET from her pocket, opens it and takes out five BRASS COINS, placing them down on the coffee table before the sofa.
"...There. I think this is sufficient payment to sit down on your ass and pay a little attention, is it not?"
That was... unexpected. You didn't anticipate her actually paying you.
When you look back to her from the COINS, you find her filling out a little CHEQUE.
"Twenty-five... brass denarii to... Brighton MacKenzie, from Sisirrisi & Sisirrisi Avarice Fund. Here you go." She hands you the cheque. You take it in confusion. "All is in order, now listen to me" - she hisses through gritted teeth.
The hell is her deal?!

>>1575352
Ok then
But what are thesi?
We dont use money like that any more
So what you want as we site down eating pizza

Wait for it to talk then thow pizza at it for eats
It did pay rent

>>1575352
>>1575480
roman empire's currency. I imagine would be rather valuable. Sell it to a museum or something later.

also, supporting
>What do you want?
>Sit down and offer some pizza, eating some ourselves.

oh and toss jess to an empty chair, miss, and leave her laying on the floor before doing all that.

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>>1575480
After laying Jess down on the sofa, you pull a chair to the coffee table and sit down. The demon scoots a little over to make room for Jess, and expresses visible annoyance over this. You set down the PIZZA BOX on the table beside the coins.
>Examine coins
These are definitely not Roman denarii.
They appear to be made of BRASS and all in all look exactly like the coin pinned to the demon's chest, except smaller. The obverse of the coins feature the same sigil that she is tattooed all overwith, with a text winding around it that venerates someone called "ZAGAN". The inverse proudly declares each coin to be "5 DENARII - PRINTED IN THE GRAND MINT OF THE BULL".
...You doubt any earthly bank would accept these.
>Offer pizza to demon.
No way.
This is your dinner. She paid for you not to kick her out immediately, not for your food. You open the pizza box and slowly begin eating a slice of QUATTRO FORMAGGI, looking her straight in the eye. The demon gulps, but retains her composure.

>Listen to demon
A bit humbled by your utter nonchalance, she begins explaining why she intruded your home in a much less vitriolic manner, although the irritation is still clear in her voice.
"Alright, so. I'll be short because my schedule is pretty tight and you wasted a lot of my time already.
"My name is ACERPARVA. I'm an employee of SISIRRISI & SISIRRISI AVARICE FUND, which is kind of like a mortal bank. Except much more prosperous and effective than mortal banks, but whatever."
"I'm here because you own an... item that is legally the asset of our Trust. If I read it correctly" - she mucks around with her clipboard a little and flips a few papers on it - "it's a bead necklace decorated with four TEETH."
Well shit.
"This necklace is the rightful property of Sisirrisi & Sisirrisi Avarice Trust. Therefore" - she flips to another page and clears her throat - "according to, uh, the 23rd paragraph of Lex DCCLXVII of the Rules and Law of Commerce in the Realm of the Bull, the holder of the Asset may choose from either of three options to repay the Legal Owner of the Asset."
Another page flip. You don't like where this is going.
"Numerus unus: the Holder may give up the Asset, for which they shall recieve a payment equal to its monetary value. Or, numerus due, the Holder may become a shareholder of the Legal Owner, thus they gain legal ownership of the Asset. Or. numerus tres, the Holder may refuse to give up the Asset, in which case the Legal Owner is permitted to retrieve it by force."
A long and uncomfortable silence ensues. The pizza hangs halfway to your mouth in your hand. Jess' body slowly slides down from the sofa, onto the floor.
This hell-bank or whatever wants its necklace back. It's difficult to decipher all the legal babble, but if you understand it right, you can either sell it to them, buy yourself into the bank or face a bunch of really pissed off demons who are after their trinket.
On the other hand, the necklace belongs to JESS, and you're not even sure she can come back without it.
> What do you do?

>>1575579
You're going to have to give me some more details Acerparva. What can a mortal, such as myself, do with stock in your bank? And what can I do with these coins for that matter? *flick one at her* They have no monetary value here. Is this all just an investment for my afterlife? Can I buy my way out of eternal torment and instead have a nice living space in Hell? As it stands there's not much incentive for me to relinquish possession of the asset at this time. Besides, my friend here is currently possessed, and she asked me to get her unpossessed. This asset seems to be what caused it in the first place.

>>1575579
Also the necklace isnt main its owned buy my friend here so i cant do anything without her giving to ok
I think her soul is in hell or something.

Also what money would you pay me with for this?

>>1575716
>>1575828
>Question literally everything
You definitely won't let yourself roped into this without knowing the details. That's always the problem with these DEAL WITH THE DEVIL scenarios: somebody with way too many horns offers you something that seems to have no downsides, and then you're boarded on the train to SUCKERTOWN with no way out.
Except this offer does in fact have many glaring downsides, but you digress.
"So, Acre- Are- Parvati." You settle for a human name that you can memorize. You're too tipsy to remember demon names. Acerparva's eye twitches.
"It's Acerparva, not Parvati."
"Yeah, yeah, alright. I got some questions before I sign a parchment with my blood and damn myself to Hell or whatever."
"You don't have to si- okay, shoot."
>Inquire about stocks.
"Ssssssso. You say if I buy myself into your Big Brimstone Bank I can keep the necklace?"
"Yes. The necklace is the asset of Sisirrisi & Sisirrisi Avarice Trust. If you're a shareholder you're part of the trust, and you can keep the necklace."
"Okay. Why would I wanna do that? What can I do with hell stocks?"
She thinks for a moment.
"Well, uh, you can trade with further hell stocks, engage in business speculations, and-"
"And get more shiny brass coins out of it? Listen, Parvati: no bank accepts these on Earth. They have no exchange rate with any other currency and they aren't worth anything by themselves, they're made of fucking brass." You pick up a BRASS DENARIUS from the table and flick it at her head. She snarls at you but doesn't say a word. "Am I just buying my way out of being thrown into molten lava and whipped with barbed wire when I kick the bucket or something?"
"My name is Acerparva" - she growls, then sits back on the sofa and sighs. - "No, if you go to Hell you cannot buy yourself out of eternal torment. We have no domain over Heaven's punishment. However, even if you're in the Pit, your financial power will grow along with the Trust's-"
"Are you trying to tell me that you have shareholders who are literally burning in Hell?! And you think you can convince me that this is a beneficial deal?! Besides, what will I do with all my stocks and virtual cash if I'm being tortured forever? Fat load of good it's gonna do me then!"

"Well, y-you can use your financial power to do good! Improve living in Hell, bribe a corrupt angel to take out someone from the Pits!"
>Refuse offer, mention that the necklace isn't yours
"Oh, I see where this is going. This is the part where you try to convince me that the upsides make it worth it. But consider that you're a demon, and you're offering me a deal. Humans have entire libraries of literature about why accepting that is an awful idea. Sorry, girl, but I gotta pass."
She sputters. "B-but!"
You shut her up with a wave of your hand. "I might consider just SELLING you the necklace, if that means you'll leave me alone. There's a little problem though: the necklace isn't mine. It's my friend's right here." You gesture at Jess, lying on the floor with several DICKS drawn on her unconscious face. You gotta wait until she wakes up, she's your business partner."
Acerparva takes a deep breath. "Youre an unusually aggressive negotiator" - she remarks. - "Anyway, are you certain you're not willing to relinquish the necklace without her say?"
"Absolutely, completely, super sure. She's out cold now so you gotta come back later. She might consider selling her soul but I'm not gonna, and it's final."
"Listen, the process would be faster if you'd-"
"Did ya hear me? I'm NOT buying your stocks." She seems really desperate to get you into a deal. You wonder why.
Finally, she sighs and takes on a resigned face.
"Okay. If it's final, it's final. If you feel like going back on your word, here's my HELLPHONE ADRESS." - She takes out a piece of paper and juts down a number, then hands it to you.
>Lesser Demon Acerparva - 666-325-251
You take the paper and look at her. She looks kind of miserable.
"...Dude, I almost feel sorry for you. Here, have some pizza, then go back to your demon business somewhere else." You take a slice of PIZZA from the delivery box and give it to Acerparva. She starts eating it.
"Thank you. And remember, if you do want to buy our stocks-"
"Yeah, yeah, but I wont. Now scram."
"Okay" - she surrenders. - "I have three more appointments for today anyway. Praise the Bull."
With a puff of sulfuric smoke, Acerparva disappears.

New thread: >>1577890