Local Cinema Stories

>>82485726

I know this story is bullshit because no eleven year old's reaction to witnessing sex for the first time is to be indignant.

>>82485792
What are you the kid whisperer or something?

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>get some needle nose pliars
>break the chains on all the poop scissors in the cinema bathroom and steal them
>come back a couple hours later after the film
>see shit leaking into the hallway because the toilets can't handle people's monster turds

>>82485844
who the fuck takes a shit at the cinema?

>>82485844
>poop scissors
The what?

>>82485792
Reminder that you're on a website filled with autists

>>82485868
>feed people loads of food
>expect them to not need to shit
I sometimes go to the toilets 3 times in one showing, once to pee, once to poo and then another pee when the soda gets to me.

>>82485883
Most american cinemas keep atleast one pair of poop scissors in the bathroom, that way if your poop is to long for the toilet bowl you just cut it, flush, and continue pooping.

>the woman isnt arrested too...

wtf cops

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>going to the cinema all alone as always
>the usual routine, bought two tickets and the multiculturally approved combo of hummus and goatmilk, family size
>also brought a womens jacket which I hold on my right arm when I enter
>"Excuse me sir but where is your companion?"
>"Oh she's at the bathroom no worries" *point at the jacket*
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>a bit sweaty from that interaction but it all seems good, have plenty of time to cool down during ads
>lights go off, movie finally starts
>let out the last few farts from the warm goatmilk so I can finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>suddenly the opening credits are stopped, cinema staff bullies come in with flashlights
>Saw a guy drinking the offensive Coca Cola drink so they gotta be after him
>but the main cinema bully flashes right at me and yells "RIGHT THERE! GET THE LOSER"
>they are clearly onto me, should've brought a more convincing and expensive women's jacket
>the whole row is throwing me out, spitting and throwing stones at me
>cinema staff bullies drag me out of there with the whole crowd cheering and clapping
>"This is the third time you broke the 'no singles policy', you're going to jail you fucking weirdo"
>they throw me in the cinema jail, small dirty cell with no windows or toilet (pic related), just a designated shitting corner
>they don't tell me the time or date so I don't know if I was there for weeks or months
>survive on eating only leftover spilled cinema hummus and sheep blood which the cinema staff scrapes of the floor of every screening
>get to know all the other losers in nearby cells, we form a secret women hating club in there
>one other loser overhears our conversation and starts yelling at us
>brawl ensues, cinema jail clans are fighting to death
>I pretend dead so the staff throws me out in the dumpster with the rest of the bodies
>wait for the night to fall and run back home to my room
>have to start collecting good boy points all over again

not worth it

>>82485726
>candy bar

nani

>>82485792
couldn't mind your own business could you redditfag?

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>>82485923
>continue pooping
oh...
I always thought you were supposed to cut and then push the stub back into your bottom to poop out later.
That way you don't have to deal with the last tiny bit of poop that sticks to your hairs and doesn't want to drop.

>>82485792
when i was younger hearing about sex made me feel guilty and ashamed because of my religious background and conflicted feelings around masturbation. i would totally have done something like this in that situation

>>82485726
Did you watch the flick again to catch up on the parts you missed?

>>82485883
Cinema food makes faeces larger and more gelatinous than normal. So unless the cinema is modern and equipped with toilets that have auxiliary pumps, they often have scissors hanging on a steel cable so patrons can make their poo nor flushable by snipping it into 3-4 pieces

>>82486042
no, my dad told me all the cool stuff I didn't see and I was scared it wouldn't be as cool as how I imagined it so I never watched it again.

>>82486070
Is he really your dad or your mother's husband?

>>82485961
Ily anon

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>>82485844
>think I'd save time by cutting my turd in mid-air as it drops
>completely miss
>the splash from my kaka flies up onto my asshole
>realize I now have microscopic particles of other people's shit all over my ass and in my hairs
>poke my head out of the stall
>all clear
>cup my dick and balls in case anyone walks in
>fumble over to the sink
>scrub my ass with soap and hot water
>realize my ass is soaked
>don't want to look like I wet my pants
>reach down to the ground
>arch up my back legs and point my ass to the drier
>tap the button with one foot
>realize it feels fucking amazing
>use a hairdrier on my ass everyday after my shower from then on

>>82485883
it's a troll, obviously. i bet you think penis inspection day is a thing too.

>>82486172
It is.

>>82486172
It is, it is a way to note your sexual maturity. Tanner level etc.

>>82486172
and I'll bet you think crab legs in cinemas aren't real

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>Go to see Forrest Gump a second time
>Yell out "SHE'S GOT AIDS!!" during a Jenny scene
>Movie ends, angry patrons glare at me, one lady says "STUPID!"
>I say "Stupid is as stupid does"

This pedo kept moving closer and closer to me and my friend when we were watching Jet Le's, "The One." My friend told me the guy touched his knee and we needed to get out of there. Ending up just finding new seats. Probably should have told someone

>>82486601
>I may not be smart but I know what aids-whore is

>>82486642

If that guy was so lacking in self control, it's a wonder he made it into the theater without raping some kid.

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>>82486712
kek

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I used to work at my local theater.
I was an usher around the time Avatar came out.

It was already disgusting how much trash people left in the theater, like it was an excuse to be a piece of shit.

But i saw much, much worse. Kids vomiting, people having diarrhea explosings in the bathroom literally picassoed the walls in shit.

Every now and then I did walk into a couple people having sex, yes, fucking on the very seat you sit on when you're watching Guardians of the Galaxy. You are literally covered in semen. (We never wash those chairs)

I didnt care though, me and my buddy would do coke in the trash room and watch movies all day.

If your that one kid that pissed in an empty 32oz soda cup at the end of that movie, fuck you.

>>82487347

I dispose of my trash properly because I'm not a fucking animal.

>>82487347
I've worked at 2 theaters, and I caught people having sex, but just let them keep going because I didn't give a frig. One time I caught a tranny theater hopping and the awkwardness over which pronouns to use while throwing that thing out was hilarious

>>82487347
You make movie theaters sound like a libertarian paradise

Be me
At cinema
I was 20 years old
Drunk girls at the cinema
They eye me at the arcade
They follow me to the bathroom
I hear them
I run to stall
They barge in before I lock it
3 girls trying to get my dick out
I panic and scream
I push one of them out if the way
I manage to escape to my car
I lost 12 buck movie ticket because I couldn't return to enjoy my movie

That was close

>>82487509
>>>/out/

>>82485908
You know it takes about a day for food you eat to come out the other end, right?

>>82487583
yeah but if you eat a lot it pushes everything through quicker.
I usually only shit every 4-5 days but if I have a real hardy meal I will need to shit a lot sooner.

>>82485844
>poop scissors
holy fuck

>>82487610
I usually go once a year and it's normally on your moms chest

>>82486172
spoonfeeding faggot