40kchan

>>50930800
How the HELL do you keep getting on the private cogitator network?

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>>50930800

>>50930800
Don't try OP, you can't replicate the glory of original content with that crap post.

>>50930800

> Did you do your duty and show her the superiority of Mankind, Guardsman?

>>50931060
In a way... She got closer and made a move for my crotch. That's when I decided to stop being such a frakking passive moron and club her to the ground with my lasgun. Think I knocked her out... she didn't move afterwards.

She ended up dropped off with the civilian authorities. Don't know what happened next, but I got the feeling that it's not the last I've seen of her. Anyone got any advice for what to do if she shows up next time?

Also, feel free to share your own stories, /xno/.

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>>50930800
To lay with a vile xenos is what defines Heresy. By committing such xenophilic acts, you have managed to become a heretic and a blight on the God-Emperor's Imperium.

Turn yourself into the local Commissart, while you still have even the littlest shred of decency for the Imperium and their inhabitants.

Alternatively, eat the barrel of your Lasgun.

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>>50930800
Hey guys quick question. I'm a junior techpriest On board some piece of shit ship, real nasty piece of woto, light to be driven into a Star but some asshole Scrooge of an Inquisitor is using this abomination in the eyes of the Omnisiah as cheap transportation for his Pet Inquisition teams, Shit sucks.

Anyways I wanted to ask because one of the sections of this that houses a particularly vital piece of tech for the Contintued Operation of this ship is being occupied by a Daemon. I didn't get too good of a look at him since I skedaddled as soon as I caught sight of him, but I think he looks Khornate to me and he is FRACKING HUGE!

I've reported this to the Captain and he considered sending some Arms men down there to clear it out, but we've been running awfully low on manpower thanks to the recent "Ghost-Nids" attack or what ever they were. It didn't seem particularly intent on chasing me and taking my skull, and judging by the fact that the ship hasn't exploded yet, It must be handling the maintenance of that sector. Plus, We occasionally find the torn-up Corpses of other Daemons littered around his little area.

We've been leaving it alone for now, but ever since the FleshSmith came on Board and brought his little Carnival of Freakshows with him, I've been scared shitless that something is going to antagonize him into going Apeshit. We can't afford that right now, we're only still flying because we cannabalized and gangpressed an entire space station into helping, so most of our new guys are bloody morons! WTF do I do!

>Pic related it's the ship I'm stationed aboard.

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>>50930800
Did you impregnate anything?

>>50931358
>implying

>>50931138
Hey guardsman, we Polisian Rangers got a sayin' about xenos "If it can do no good, you kill it"
It should be enough of an advice to decide how to act next.
Also, if you can give me the name of your commissar, maybe ours can give you a help and not get BLAMed, he's quite a man's man, and says all the time a lot of people owe him favours, maybe your commissar is one of 'em.

>>50931358
Is Tomaru a Slaanesh cultist or what? He seems suspicious.

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>>50931292
I got some advice for you. Stay out of the lower levels. Infact, don't ever leave your quarters.
>Frakking orks everywhere

>>50931138
When you're a mercenary along Imperial borders, you end up in some odd places. Best story I have for this occasion is waking up in a bar I'd never visited, on top of an Eldar corsair I'd never met, wearing an outfit I'd never worn, beside an empty bottle of booze I'd never tried. The entire place looked like a warzone, with bullet holes and las-burns everywhere and a good half of the tables ripped up from the floor. My head felt like it had taken a bit of that too, but that was probably just that weird amasec on the way out. For some reason, I was dressed up in what I think was supposed to be a commissar outfit. For some reason, the corsair (Took me a bit to figure out she was a corsair. Well, it took me until I noticed the tattoos) was supposed to be dressed up like a Dark Eldar, but not as modest. Now, I say "supposed to be" or both of our outfits because they were, for some reason, shredded to a greater or lesser degree.

I don't remember a thing, but by The Throne I wish I did.

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Wot's up ya Gitz, have I got a Story for you.

>Be me, Ork Boy
>Be under Nob
>Wantz Meselfma Squigie Tendies an' sum Grog
>Nob shayz Dat I Don't have Enuff ta Get Dat
>WTF I'z got like 30 "Gud Boyz Pointz"
>Says We now Using Teef and Gud Boys Pointz Don't Count Fer Nuffin No moar
>I'z ain't gonna take Dis! No! I's ain't gonna Take Dis!
>Open me mouf and Yell "WAAAAAUUUGGGHHH GIVE ME MAI TENDIES!" An' start up a tussle wif him an' 'is close guard Boyz
>Soon, Dey All Been Krumped
>I Krumped Dem All
>I'm Da New Nob Nao
>I make Gud Boyz Pointz Da O-Fish-All Tenda
>Give meself unlimited Gud Boyz Pointz
>Unlimited Squiggie Tendies

Life iz Bluddy Grand roight nao! Neva get Between me and me Gud Boys Pointz!

>>50931644
That's why we leave bullets around when we find orks.
They see bullets, they want bullets, and then they kill each other for bullets.
Our job is done and don't even break a sweat, like clockwork.

>>50931379
Not actually sure what his name is, I'll ask. Nice advice, but inapplicable right now.

>>50931519
Wish I could stay in my quarters all day, it'd be simpler.

>>50931526
... Let's hope your soul is intact.

>>50931644
>a LITERAL ork

kys

>>50931644

WAAAULLAAUUGH!!!

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>>50931138

BEEP BOOP OP CONFIRMED FAGGOT BEEP BOOP

>>50931801
Son, let me tell you the REAL trick. Steal the Orks' bullets, set them to go off, and let the greenskins find them again. Not only do you get to destroy xenos and xeno-tech, you get to laugh your ass off when they just DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.

>>50931846
so you didn't fuck the tau, just hit it about? good, you took my advice then.
if it comes back then i just suggest continue doing what you are doing. eventually the authorities are gonna step in and hopefully force her to stop, after that if she doesn't push it out of your control. Tau themselves aren't bad, its the greater good that's the shit part. way i see it is that they could easily become a part of the imperium, just not with all that communism shit.

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>>50931644
>Can Fight an' ain't a Squig
>Spergz out when Da Nob wantz ta uze Teef like a real Ork instead of make pretend Pointz
>Would Ravah jus' fill 'imself up to Da brim on Tendies Den go out an' fight fer 'is Teef like a real Ork

Gitz like Yous Piss Me Roight off. Disgusting little Shitz like you who don't loik gettin ina proper foight an' Would rather Jus' laze about an Do Nuffin! I mean, Do you know How Lucky you Are ta be a Modern Ork roight naow, 'ow many Ofvah Poor Sods Don't Get ta Properly Enjoy a Good Foight because Dey weren't Born Orkz!? Look at Da Humies, 'oo usually haf ta cut Dem selves up an above a bunch of meaty bits inside to be as gud as a Ork Boy! Or Dem Blue Gitz 'oo are as tuff as a Squig wifout der metal Bitz and Shootas! You'ze lucky to be born a foightin Ork, yet Ya Squanda Da Blessin's of Gork an' Mork on beein a fat lazy Bastard.

I feel sorry for Yer Boyz Dat Dey noa 'ave such an Un-Orky Bastard in Charge. I 'ope you'ze head explodes frum all dat fat goin' ta ya brain, you'ze kind don't deserve to die in battle.

TL:DR Krump yer'self ya stupid Git.

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>>50932010
>'e doesn't know dat explodin bullets just make it more shooty
>'e thinks da boys are confused dey shootas blowin up when dat happens all da time anyway

Hummies are like grots but not green.

>>50932032

> ... And you all accuse me of heresy against the Emperor?

>>50932101
>raping xeno women
> introducing an entire race into the imperium in support of mankind
there is a very stark difference there.

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Ya Know, Oi keepz on seein' Deez wurds loik "Sex", "Rape" an dat sorta fing, an' I don't know Wutz Dey mean. Alls I knows is Dat it has somefing ta Do wif how Humies, Blue Gitz, and Dem Pointy Eared Gitz have holes an' stickz and involves Dere Bums or somefing.

Also, Wotz a "Wanka"? I've heard Da Humies Dat tok loik us an' look loik Gretchins calls us dat when we'ze foightin, but Oi don't really get it.

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>>50932147
Yep.

One is getting yourself contaminated by the xeno taint, and the other is getting countless billions contaminated by the xeno taint.

Unfortunately, we can only execute you once.

>>50931846
Yeah, my soul's fine. Eldar are pretty easy on the soul, and I get mine checked regularly just in case. Now, Dark Eldar, you do NOT want to wake up next to them. Whatever they did to you, I can guaren-damn-tee that you need some purification after that. Trust me, I knew guy.

>>50932147

> Did the Emperor not command that Mankind exterminate the Xenos, do all possible to further the glory of Man, and destroy the Xenos taint?

> Implying that accepting countess billions of Xenos scum into the Imperium, in stark defiance of the Emperor's will, so that they can destroy human culture, and faith, and steal human jobs to manufacture the Emperor's divine tools of judgment with their inhuman blasphemies is not heretical.
> Implying that spreading the glory of Mankind through the domination of Xenos flesh and purging them afterward in accodance to the Emperor's will is heretical.
> Implying that is
> Implying
> Implies

> Hypocrisy like this is the reason I and my comrades in arms seceded from the False Imperium.

>>50932315
I's gonza smak yo's hed rite op if you fink you can tok boutz deez humies loik theyz impohtant.

giv me you'z chikken tendeez you git

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>>50932448
You're next, degenerate recidivist. That is, if you've somehow survived the horrors of the galaxy without the protection of the Emperor before we find you.

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>>50932448
Ohhh, Notz Dis GroxShitez again!

>>50932147
Oh good Job ya Git, Now look wot you've dun! Youz got 'im goin again! Now 'e ain't evah gonna shut his trap!

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>stupid Gue'la and Orks arguing
>tfw you know they are both lower beings
>tfw it's like watching a snotling and ratling fight
>tfw youi're not a subTau filth
>mfw

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>>50932582

My my. Not only are you jeopardizing our efforts to bring enlightenment to the rest of the galaxy with this undisguised display of backwards xenophobia, but you're on diplomatic channels reserved for another caste instead of doing your duty on the front! I think you'll agree with me that you need to put this nonsense down and redouble your efforts to spreading the greater good in your assigned role, fire caste.

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>>50932582
Actually, I'm pretty sure you're a lower being than any of us. By a few feet too.

>>50932582
At least our main exports are shitty vox-programs and interspecies fetishist xenos you disgusting little Blueberry.
assuming that you're not just a shitposting Necron

>>50932525
>>50932555
>>50932582

> You only resent the path I and my comrades in arms have taken, because you know it is the true path in your heart. You cannot deny it, you know it to be True.
> Praise The Emperor, may Mankind be exalted above all else, and may the False Imperium be brought low in his name. Such is his will, his will be done.

>>50932582
O'aight lad, ya keep tha smug face...
Lemme pull me in trigga now.
Ha! Gotcha!
Now OI can start me veery own collection of xeno 'eads to fix on me wall.

>>50932315
Shot up ya bloody wanka

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>>50930800

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Oy' wots up fello Gro/xno/bs. Me 'an my Boyz 'ave been lookin fer stuff ta "repurpose" at sum old crashed 'umie ship, and we've found some interestin' fings.

Pic related, it's me wearin some pretty little fingie Oiz found loiyin around. R8 me. Is Oi lookin foine or wot?

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Well then /xno/ I'm here again with some news.
I'm that commissar from that shitdeathworld from last thread.
Apparently we have someone from the munitiorum lurking around here, because we here just got resupllied with enough amasec to get an entire world drunk.
Those are the good news.
The bad news is that every officer is trying to take the lion's share from the resupply, leaving almost nothing for the boys of the guard.
I think this is the last straw.
I think I'm gonna start with some field executions for officer incompetence tomorrow.

Wish me luck.


And always watch out for "oark snipers".

And who would have know that on this shitworld can even snow.

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>>50932724
>Openly admits to having spit upon the mercy the Emperor showed to his kind by permitting them to serve his Imperium
>Talks about how it's a-ok to stick your dick in xenos instead of purging them at first sight because apparently he hasn't ever actually delt with the insidious corruption of the alien
>After the Inquisition shows up, continues broadcasting on traceable channels

I only wish they all could be this thick.

>>50932834
Imma betcha that those teefs ain't even yers

Butt ya look like a fine git!

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>>50932670
You're right, I should stick to stealing these Gue'vesa toothbrushes

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>>50932897
YOU FILTHY XEEEENO
HOW DAREEEEE YOU ATTACK MY MOST HOLEEEEEE TOOTHBRUSH
IM GOING TO HAAEEEEEEEEV YOUR AAAARSE HANDED TO YOU RIGHT NOW FOR THIS

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>>50932582
>>50932670
>>50932897

HUR HUR HUR, bluies inna, wotcha call em, deys da roigh 'ard bit on dem crunchy grub ya foind on trees?

>>50932834
Wot is dis oi don't even
Der ain't no shooty bitz or choppy bits
Youz a grot, youz iz.

>>50932834
oi, wood it be foine of me to git at ya if ya 'ad a feminin' body

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>>50932834
OI...Oi dunno how ta respond ta this. Part 'ov me fink's you'ze lookz loik an Nobby-Pillock...but part 'ov me's gettin wierd feelinz from 'is, Weird, Un-Orky feelings.

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>>50933049
Wotz a feminin, an since wen do da boyz ask eachotha if dey can 'ave a propa scrap instead o' askin da boss?

Oi bet yer a roight puny git, squig-fer-'eadthing.

>>50932700
Aren't*. It Seems that the Machine spirit is in a sassy mood to today. Naughty little Thing.

>>50933182
If you're going to flirt with your computer, do it somewhere else Cogboy, this is a Blue Board.

>>50932852
Some fuckin' People. This what happens when you let prissy Prissy Nobheadington LXI become officers with no experiance Simply because their daddy whined about it. After you make an example of them, you should oversee the distribution of the Amsec yourself, make sure no other problems like this arise.

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>>50932897
+LARCENOUS XENOS! THOU SHALT NOT ABSCOND WITH THE TOOTHBRUSHES OF THE INNOCENT SAVE BY BESTING ME!+

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++++Greetings, guardsmen. I'm from the Mechanicus. Specifically, the Skitarii - though if you've heard of us at all, you probably know us as the "Tech-Guard." Pic related, it's me.++++

++++I know we "Cogboys" aren't always looked upon kindly by most of you, so let me begin with a gift of knowledge. All those shiny guns and fancy toys you've seen us running around with? We're not just hoarding those to keep you from using them. Most of this stuff would flat out kill you when you tried to use it. I was trained as a sniper, and the first time I trained with a TU Arquebus the recoil mangled my hand and shoulder so badly that the local Biologos took the opportunity to give me my first cyber limb. Khek, we have guns that would kill you just by STANDING near them. Radium weapons, they're called, and they spit so much radiation we have a special force of guys called the Vanguard to handle them. Because they're almost completely machine, the Vanguard can take the radiation for a lot longer than most people, but even THEY have to undergo periodic detoxification ceremonies. Believe me, unless you WANT to have every part of your body replaced by machinery (like us) you do NOT want to get your hands on this stuff.++++

++++Anyway, despite my sniper training, I'm usually sent on raids to ancient Underhives and catacombs with just a few feet of room before you round a corner into a horde of mutant filth. That's the "genius of the Tech-preists" for you. Last time we went out, though, I found an old cogitator and managed to convince its Machine Spirit to return to the Imperial network .Took a lot of dong; poor thing probably felt abandoned after millennia of disuse. After the usual rites I just sat down and talked with the thing, brought it up to speed on what's been going on in the Galaxy. You'd be surprised how often that works.++++

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>>50933114
>>50933049
>>50932989
>>50932875

Alright Foine, ya Gitz I get the message.

Wot about Dis One, It's a little moah showy, but I fink Da Voilet goes well wif me Eyes! Wot Say you Boyz?

>>50933453

++++I left one of my Servo-skulls down there to use it to communicate a bit more privately than usual; in addition to operating from an ancient machine nowhere near me, I set up several layers of signal bouncers.++++

++++I'm looking to you guardsmen because you're recruited from far more diverse backgrounds than we are, and there's a 48.56% higher chance of finding someone with the speficic knowledge I seek. Asking openly, however, would probably get me in a lot of trouble. No, it's not heretical, don't bother your commissar.++++

++++Omissiah, I suppose I should just get to the point. Do any of you know how to contact the Adeptus Sororitas?++++

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>>50933479
....I'm not seein' anyfin'. Are ya sure you'ze takin' da pictcha roight?

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>>50932582
>tfw to intelligent to win wars

>>50933502
...I don't care how much of you is metal. Contacting the bolter bitches is bad for your health. There are much easier ways to commit suicide.

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>>50933453
'ey dere tech-humie, oiz one of dem gland-warrior hummies an' Boss Emprah sent me an' me boyz to get yer shootiest gubbins. 'es da biggest an' da strongest humie, so 'and em over all fast-loick, eh?

>>50933556
Oi bet we jus' can't see 'im cuz 'es wearin' purple.

Good choice Boss, very practical, Not a single Gitz' even gonna notice yer' Dere.

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>>50933479
WHERES DA ZOGGIN PICTCHA, AN WOT EVEN IZ A VOILET?! YOUZ TRYIN TA MAKE ME LOOK LOIK ONE O DEM STUPID GITZ?!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

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>>50933669
>>50933620
>>50933556
IT AIN'T PURPLE, IT'Z VIOLET YA STUPID GITZ!! Dey are COMPLETELY Diff'ren' Calahs ya morons! Bloody Fashion-impaired Gitz, can't even tell da Diffrence 'tween Purple an' Violet, Wot's so hard 'bout it? One ya can see an' de ovah ya can't, it'z so Zoggin' simple.

Alright you Gitz, Wot 'bout Dis one? Personally I Loik it, Makes me Look all So-fist-ee-kay-ted an' Respectable.

>>50933479

WAAAGH! DERE AINT EBEN ZOGGIN DERE!

>>50933888

VAHRY NOICE, BUT IT NEEDS MOAR DAKKA AN' FLASHY BITZ!

>>50933888

Oi loik it, it makes ya look loik one o' dem Blood Axes dat can get good bits from da humies wif nuttin but talkin to da gits before a scrap.

Youz got any bitz? Oi need some gubbinz fer da Big Mek.

>/xno/ - Orkish Fashion

I warned you folks, if you let one Ork get in, you'll be swamped in Orks in no time.

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>>50934126
Technically, /xno/ iz for any an' all discussions pertainin' ta undastandin da Culture, History, an' in some cases Biology ov' ovfah' species. The individual you are refferin' ta is attemptin' ta learn/teach ovfah Orkz 'bout Humie fashion. Thus, 'e iz not violatin' any board rules an' yer just bein' a little Git.

TL:DR Zog off if you don' loik it.

>>50933453
>>50933502
depends really, best bet is to wait with a lot of chocolate for a month. Guaranteed to bring some of them in, but only for a week.

++++Hey /xno/, I'm that Enginseer from the other thread. The pistol's behaviour becomes ever stranger. The golden bolts now explode like a krak grenade, and occur about once every 25th shot (previously it was every 100th). It NEVER overheats, and I'm seriously worried. Even the MC is getting increasingly confused, and the internals are-

Wait. The internal components are somehow in better shape now. What in the Omnissiah's name is going on?

How are you chaps doing?++++

>>50933573
>>50934302

++++Ha ha, very funny. Seriously though, this isn't about the Sisters themselves. I just got appointed Explorator status and I have some freedom of movement. There's a Knight serving with the Black Roses right now. I owe him an Amasec.++++

>>50934439
Oh, same old same old. There's a Fire Caste bigwig that's going to have a very bad day, starting and quite possibly ending when he opens the door to his shower. While that's getting sorted out, we'll probably grab one of the Water Caste weenies that's also staying in the compound.

>>50934009
>>50933931
Yeah, I wiz Finkin' dat too, but I dunno what ta decorate it wif. All I'ze gots are Scrap metal an' skulls. I don' want ta trash up the design wit rusty, brown metal, but skulls jus' seem too...Ovahdun, ya know wot I mean. It's like "Oh, A fancy Suit wif skulls on it, As if Every Humie Nob Evah doesn't alrea'y do 'vat", just...So last Season.

Any ov' you Boys know a good meckboy dat can Smif' fings? Maybez I canz git some of 'is scrap stuff all shiny again.

>>50931519
Oh yes that's all fine and dandy for me, but how am I supposed to tell the Green Techies who've only ever served aboard a tiny, unremarkable, space station all their life "No, you can't go here because there's a giant fucking daemon that might go crazy and kill us all if you so much as look at him wrong, so just go about your maintenance routine and try not to think about the Big, bad, Khornate Warp spawn that has full access and responsibility over a vital part of the ship" without them panicking and doing something stupidly dangerous?

>>50931138
>>50930800
Well that sounds like it worked out well enough in the end. Try not to use such excessive force though. You don't want to start a shitstorm because you accidentally hit her too hard and killed a citizen, now would you?

>>50934731
Ask the old hands to take a few of the green hands each to show them the ropes, and remind them to always carry a fully loaded firearm in their toolkit.

>>50934545
Okay, I'll do you a solid. Send a message to Azurath station in the Segmentum Obscurus. Tell the Astropaths High Lord Stabby sent you, and tell them you want to talk to the Canoness of the Black Roses. She should be able to set you up. Don't ask about the Stabby thing, it's a long, long story.

>>50934545
you can say im joking but i once had a SoB literally come in my barracks one time, walked over to me, took the chocolate and said that its now property of the SoB.

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>Ork thread
This is going into the book.

I'm back and why are there orks in my thread

>>50934785
Her pulse was ok (I think, not sure since she was an alien). Hope I don't see her next time, but I have a sinking feeling I will.

Sorry I disappeared, surprise drilling.

>>50935299
happens to all of us, the surprise drills i mean.
heres to hoping she don't return.

>>50935299
IT'S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK

Seriously, though you think a board as shitty as /xno/ would be immune to orkposting? Really? Man, I've seen them seep all the way into /ecc/ at one point.

>>50935444
I guess... nice trips too.

>>50934865

++++Thanks, friend. I spent several years helping this guy maintain that shambling old girl - I won't see him let it fall apart now.++++

++++En glorium machina.++++

Guh. Trying to take a nap, but that damn blueberry's bountiful blue breasts are invading my dreams.

>>50936300
Report all suspected xenos psyker activity to your superiors immediately, anon. Failing to do so is dereliction of duty, which is heresy. Heresy is punishable by death.

>>50936720
Moron, everyone knows the bluies don't have witches.

Brothers, I was asked to join a prayer circle today on this planet we're stationed on. I usually prefer venerating the emperor in standard rituals and with ig chaplains but the girl asking me was pretty hot, so I went.

It was weird. Everyone was real nice and welcoming. They asked me to lead the prayer. I stood up in front of the oddly colored (it was mostly purple instead of the more standard gold) stained glass depiction of the emperor and recited a standard litany. Everyone clapped, though there was something odd about that moment that I can't quite place.

Anyways, the girl asked me to come by her place on my next leave day and lead her in some private prayers.

I've never used church to score before, is this pretty common for other ig members stationed on backwater worlds?

>>50936729
Report all providing unsanctioned information on the alien to your superiors immediately, anon. Failing to do so is dereliction of duty, which is heresy. Heresy is punishable by death.

>>50935299
Hey Guardsman, random Imperial shitizen here.

On the off chance this Tee-ah-ow comes back, what'll you do? Same thing?

>>50937039
Not sure what I'll do. Probably try to ignore her...

Also, it's just one syllable.

>>50936990

> My misled Brother, a heretical pleasure cult of the entity Slaanesh is attempting to ensnare you. Your regiment is vulnerable, report everything to your Comissar, he's likely the most knowledgable man in your Regiment, and best able to call for aid.
> If he, or she, the Emperor doesn't discriminate and neither do I, refuses or is unable to respond, do all you can to destroy every last vestige of their blasphemy against our Holy Emperor.
> Go rogue, take everything from your Regiment that you can carry that they won't be missing and do all you can to destroy the deviants, at any cost.
> Burn their false Church, bomb their homes, and kill their leaders. Do all you can to slow, sabatoge, and delay the spread of their cancerous filth. And if at all possible, destroy it entirely.
> May the Emperor's eyes be upon you, and all who oppose your righteous path swept aside. The Emperor will guide your path, follow him, and go forth in glorious destruction against all who profane his sacred name! It is his will, his will be done!

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01100010 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01100010 01101111 01101111 01110000 00001010

This is Tog, Tog is biggest strongest man in whole jungle tribe! Few moons ago, shiny star boat fall in village, it from Golden Sky King, but we no like bad juju witchcraft, so we no touch. But Tog have idea, and break open front of shiny star boat invisible shattery wall, and Tog find sparkly box, and Tog press buttons, and Tog find here. Tog want to be part of Emperyall Gard but Tog home no have shiny star boat, and Tog not know how to travel to stars. Tog know we-you is smart, and know how. Tog want shiny star boat and smart man to come and bring more magical shinies, and take Tog and jungle tribe away to fight for Golden Sky King! Please help Tog!

>>50937184
01100010 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01100010 01101111 01101111 01110000 00001010

>>50937089
You could see if anybody you know speaks Tau. They could explain that you're just not that into her. Failing that, I argue to hit her harder next time.

>>50937892
Just bang her Guardbro. Bang her hard. Then once she has her fill of human D she'll leave you alone.

>>50937163
>>50936990

Whoa, whoa there. Slow down. Taking on an entire Slaaneshi cult by yourself is an irredeemably stupid thing to do. If your Commissar doesn't do anything, go over his head. If you trust your CO to be sensible, then go to him. If you don't, then start trying to draw attention to the cult. Remark loudly about how UNIQUE the services are there, about how NOVEL their interpretation of the Imperial Creed is. Never spare any opportunity to tell anyone just how DIFFERENTLY they do things. That'll bring the puritans running with flamers pre-lit to see where the heresy is. So long as you play the dumb grunt, the freaks will try to convince you to quiet down first. If it looks like they're starting to get desperate, then feel free to switch to the other guy's stupid plan. Either way, you'll be in hot water if it takes the Ministorum crazies too long to notice you.

>>50935444
>>50934156
>>50934126
I keeps saying that Aun'Hiro should make a fracking Contaiment board for all these Orkz, but he never does. He seems to think that the Moderati are actually competent at keeping the boards clean. Fracking, Naive, Blueberry.

>>50931292
++++++
>Ship
>Shit

You call yourself a disciple of the Omnissiah? Where are the Crimson mucks when you need them?
++++++

>>50939353
You have not see this monstrosity in person, it is an abomination in every sense of the word. Most of the Machine Spirits are either Daemonically-tainted, Crazier than the Fleshsmith, of just plain bitter, homicidal, spiteful assholes who refuse to cooperate, and will actively try to get you killed, and those are just the ones with working consoles. For all I know, there could be a fracking Man-of-Iron squatting aboard, and we wouldn't even know because the only still functioning machines spirit in the security system refuses to do any work anymore!

Alright, got to split for now /xno/. Diplomatic function at the Governor's palace to welcome the Hero and his men, and I'm one of the poor sods who has to go and be security. Emperor, that place is tacky... Likely to be Tau diplomats too, here's hoping my stalker isn't among them.

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Didn't know so many humans had actual access to the Warpnet. This is a very bad sign.

Either way, I need urgent help from you heretics.

Things turned sour in my current mission. I won't give the details, inquisitorial business, but I was taken prisoner by the Eldar. Craftworlders for the matter.
Don't know why they did this and which craftworld I'm into, but they have a disproportionate number of xenos females here, Emperor preserve me. I'm being well treated, oddly.

But I don't know if I will be well for much long. Their spokesperson told me to be at ease, soon they will 'need all of my strength' and the other xenos kept giving strange stares.

Relay this message to the nearest inquisitorial station, please. They're coming, and I may not survive the next hours.

Ave Imperator

>>50939987
K lad, k,k,k.
Ya're in a veeery ugly spot
Heard this thing once from one of our guys.
While I'm relaying da message to your buddies, imma tell ya what's gonna happen ta ya.

They are dark eldar
they have so many nasty things they wanna do that put slaneesh cultists to shame.
One of my buddies once got captured, managed to evade 'cause we were boarding those bastards' ship.
They are being Eldar, IN PRETEND
They are gonna assemble up some more prisoners, then do an orgy of pain an cuts.
If you your buddies are too late, jus'hope that you die during the first cuts, oderwise you are in for a painful experience.

t. Almost everyone in my unit got captured once by the Eldar and got rescued to tell the tale

>>50939421
++++Since you happen to be quite adept in understanding unusual behaviour in tech, could you help me to deduce what could have caused the anomalies in my plasma pistol?
It's a Mars Pattern "Sunfury" Mk.II, rather common with the Imperial Guard. It has never overheated, and the internal components, while completely ordinary, show no sign of wear, even after 800 shots. Every 25th shot, it fires a golden bolt of plasma, that inevitably vapourises the target. After striking the heretic, the bolt dissipates in an explosion-like manner, inflicting grave wounds to nearby enemies.
I've interrogated the MC innumerable times, and every time it told me that it does not know WHY it happens. It's just as confused as me.
Please, it's important.++++
>>50937618
++++Dear Tog, if your tribe want to be part of Imperial Guard, I can say to very important man that you and your tribe want to be guardsman, and so he will send star ship to your planet! He will give you armor and strange weapon, called Lasgun. Lasgun don't shoot rock like sling or bullet like gun, it shoot light! It very powerful!
I need to know, however, two things: how you call your planet, your home? And does shiny star boat have any writing to see who it belong to? It very important! So I can know where to send star boat to pick you up.++++

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Hello slaves to the false emperor, it is I Lorgar, and I have come to enlighten you all to the glory of chaos through my new book. The book of Lorgar.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Didn't the emperor tell me not to take books off heretics?"
But what if I told you that the emperor was actually a rotting corpse on a throne?
What if I told you the only true powers worth serving are the ruinous chaos gods?
What if I told you that you didn't have to die in droves fighting for a bunch of people who will never know your sacrifice?
What if I told you amasec is only 0.4% alcohol?

All this and more awaits you in the Book or Lorgar, which can be brought from your nearest Word Bearers Legion for only 39.99 souls, or you could email me at [email protected] with your location, composition of imperial forces stationed near by, comms channel codes and how soon you can get reinforcements, and we'll send a force to deliver a book to you absolutely free!*

So what are you waiting for? Buy it now!


*You must pledge your soul to chaos undivided before receiving your book

>>50942033
shill

>>50942033
fuck off lorgar! Nobody wants to read your fucking book.

>>50942033
y-you do know that all your sales so far have been Magnus buying your book out of pity, right?

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>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

>AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

>DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WHORES IVE KILLED?!

>FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHERS CUNT!

>WRRRRRYYY! IM GONNA SKIN YOU!

>WHERE IS MY BED?!!

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>>50941603

Tog is back, and Tog found snappy light, and it made Tog be dere on shiny little people screen! And Tog catch dinner with Tog hunting stick! Tog have good wakey-wakey suntime!

Lasgun sound magical, magical like Golden Sky King! Tog not know what Armor is, but Tog think it be just as good if Sky men think it is matters-lot! Tog and jungle tribe will smash and hunt real good, for Golden Sky King, Tog promise.

Hmm, what is planet? Tog live in jungle, and jungle is called jungle. Tog is not-know what you mean, and get headache thinking of it... But Tog look for numbers and word so Tog can tell everything Sky men need to know!

Hey
Arty guardsman who asked to become a cog boy from last thread comes bearing good news!
I asked the replacement enginseer for a possible position in the Preisthood, he was as ecstatic as I am and passed up the news to the higher ups. They ok'd it and I am now learning the secrets of the omnissiah to pass my first round of initiations.
If I pass I'll be granted with a utility mechadendrite or whatever. Do you guys know if the surgery hurts? I had to under go an eye replacement after I got hit in the face by a pebble during a basilisk fire so I think I can't take it
Tldr guardsmen becomes a cogboy!

>>50945029
Stop being a fucking pussy, artillerfag, and get on the frontlines.

>>50945147
>get on frontlines
>cleaved in half by tyranids
>ventilated by orcs
>flayed alive by necrons
>poisoned to death by eldar
> Outranged by firepower by tau
>sacrificed to some blasephemos entity by filthy heretics
I'm good
I'll serve the emperor by consecrating our holy machines for war
Maybe one day I'll have be in an exploratory fleet or maybe even the adeptus titanicus

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>>50945252
>frontliners get cleaved in half by tyranids
>frontliners get ventilated by orcs
>frontliners get flayed alive by necrons
>frontliners get poisoned to death by eldar
>frontliners get Outranged by firepower by tau
>frontliners get sacrificed to some blasephemos entity by filthy heretics
>safe and sound as arty but still whinging
You don't deserve to serve the emperor, faggot

>>50945029
>He thinks you can leave the Guard

I hate to break it to you, but your 'initiations' will consist of being blindfolded, walked over to the local Commissar, and wetting yourself.

Oy, Any ov' you Gitz see da Big Trukk Race 40,000 las' noit? Oi'z tried ta' watch it, but me tele wuz on da' fritz, and da' zoggin mekboy 'ad gotten 'imself krumped fer bein' a loud mouft little Git so Oi'z coudn' get 'in ta fix it.

Tell me lads, 'id Oi miss anyfin' good las noit?

>>50945535
Oh ya missed it? Bluddy shame mate, it was a roight smashing good toim!

Although, It'z a Roight Damn shame whatz happened ta' Grogurk SpeedBallz. Durk Dusdakly krumped 'im an' his crew while he wuz in fer a pit stop. Bluddy bad show 'at was, downroight pooar ShportsManship.

I'z tellin you, if ref BludStompa hadn' run down dere himself and permanently "disk-koala-fied" Durk frum da race, da boyz woulda started foightin' and da race would had to be canceled again.

>>50945314
correct answer

>>50945535
It wuz a three-way tie 'tween Shock-Fingy Queen-Killah, Thunda-Axe Chikkenhugga, and FleshStrippa Weatha-King. Dey wuz goin' ta settle da matta wif sum foightin, but da o-fish-allz decided dat it would be betta at settle 'it wif anoda race. So Dey're heddin ta da ofvah soid of da planet fer a three-way, winner takes all showdown race!

Oh and Dere wuz also a 'uge bluddy pile-up dat you missed, sorry Mate.

>>50945483
But you can
Order 55623-omega (in my regiment at least) allows for guardsman to fill in auxiliary roles in times of shortage
With that war looming in the nearby sector between the tau and orks and say I'll be ok

>>50945535
>and da' zoggin mekboy 'ad gotten 'imself krumped fer bein' a loud mouft little Git so Oi'z coudn' get 'in ta fix it

Mai Storytoim senziz are tinglin'.

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>>50939987
I'm not really sure if this is the right place to ask, but I've got a lot of trouble /xno/ and I need some advice.

My planet was conquered by the Tau Empire a while back, they... uh... treat us 'well enough' and totally don't monitor all of our messages to ensure we're expressing proper thanks to our benevolent patrons.

Anyways, they determined that our little Agri-World wasn'tpopulous enough to be of much value, so they decided to resettle a few folks from some recently claimed hive world on our planet. They're human, like us, but not exactly like us.

Turns out that "Hive World" had been abandoned by The Emperor for several years and was filled with the worst kind of Heretics. The Tau watch them closely, so they can't go on an insane killing spree but just the fact they praise the dark gods next to our shrines to The Emperor is causing some problems.

Anyways, a really polite family were given a farm right next to ours. They've always been helpful and nice, and their daughter and I have... well, we both seem to have feelings for each other. The problem is, well, her family worships Chaos undivided and I'm still trying my best to be a good Imperial Citizen in an unholy land.

What should I do? She's super cute, and she keeps pulling this 'all religions are a path to chaos' mantra and trying to assure me that she wont force her religion on me. Pic related, it's her.

>>50945719
Durk Dusdakly, never liked 'im, always thot 'e wuz a wanky little git. Shoulda expected this frum a shifty Bastard loik him. I mean, wut kinda Raysa paints 'is trukk wif purple stroips?! A shifty cheatin' one, dats what. Glad 'e got wot wuz comin' to'um.

>>50945930
No Zoggin way, you jokin' mate?! Dats Zoggin Bluddy unbelievable!! Zog it, I needz ta' find me a New Mekboy ta' fix 'at zoggin hunk'a junk Tele soz Oi can watch 'is!

>>50946218
Well, it'z not all too complicated mate. Da short ov' it iz dat da Mekboy 'ad been spreadin' sum dirt on sum of de "Un-Orky" be-hayv-yors of one of our lootas, whoze name an' what 'e was doin' Oi ain't gonna say 'cause 'es me mate an' Oi respect 'his privacy, not 'cause I'm 'fraid of a little foight Oi will say dat it involved da loota's clofves and sum mod-if-ee-kay-sons 'e wanted da Mekboy ta make.

Wen da loota found out 'e was da talk of da camp, 'e wuz zoggin livid. Afta da loota wuz through wit 'im, we buried wot wuz left 'a da Mekboy in a Soup can.

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>>50946439
Sector.
Planet.

NOW.

>>50946439
NOPE
you need to go purge shit now, your planets gone to the warp in a handbasket anon and soon you all will be raping each other with your skulls while covered in plagues.
seriously, nothing good comes from chaos, fucking burn it down, they are all crazy, they are all evil.

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>>50946550
Planet Venedig, can't mention the sector because, like I said, these message are DEFINITELY not being read by the Tau and they certainly wouldn't make me disappear if I give "the enemy" our precise location.

Listen I just need advice buddy, don't you noble astartes face similar issues? Hasn't some Sister of Battle almost broken her vows to be with you?

Pic somewhat related, I took it in a canyon a ways away from my home.

>>50946439
Zoggin' 'ell, either all dem stories 'bout Tau cuttin up 'umie brains ar' true or you'ze jus' dat zoggin
stupid! Really, nuffin gud can come frum talkin' wit does Warpy lovin' Gitz. Deyz can ev'n make Orks act Un-Orky. If Oi'z wuz you, Oi'd still 'ang 'round 'er though, dem Warpy Gitz are alwayz fun ta foight. Plus dey always getz so Angry an' throw a tantrum when you krump 'em, it's zoggin' 'ilarious.

>>50946789
++++
Mate.
One thing is a Sister doing it with a Space Marine.
One is a bloody heretic trying to subvert a good citizen like you. Try to see if her soul can still be saved, if not, you should stop seeing her IMMEDIATELY.
Do you have any psyker friends? Because for once, they might be your only hope.
++++

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>>50946789
Yeah, tons of sisters.

Venedig IV, Lithesh Sector, correct? Was taken recently by the tau.

You have two solar weeks to pray to the Emperor and purge the heretic thoughts out of your mind. And to find cover.

>>50946920
I guess I should confront her about it...

Alright, I'm going to get some farming done, I'll talk to her after, I'll probably pop back on and tell you what she says.

>>50946929

Please don't light our farms on fire.

First off, frak that shitty inbred fat frakker we call a governor

>>50942033
You already shitted my thread up once before, Lorgar, go away. Nobody likes you.

>>50946439
You're fucked. Kill her and her family then kill yourself, it's genuinely your only hope. You poor bastard.

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>>50946996
-- Imperial citizens are in need for help --
-- His angels are coming --
-- His navy will pave their way--
--Solar Admiral Hector of the Troias battlegroup reporting. Lithesh Sector is just two parsecs away from here.--
--Fear not for your farm--
--For the Imperial Navy has arrived--
--ETA 36 Terran hours--

>>50946550
>>50946929
>>50947408
You know the Tau are going to try and censor this now?

>>50947462
>Fucking Black Templars incoming.
>And with His navy.
>Implying the Tau are going to care at all for censoring some warpernet channel.

>>50937981
>Then once she has her fill of human D she'll leave you alone.

Once you go human you never do it again ?
Not really amazing motivational speach there.

>>50947506
>>50947506
>Implying they are not gonna try to deploy forces there to stop this particularly retarded imperial attack
>Implying it's not just just a clever plan to take away their forces from nearby fronts

In both cases we win
They either are gonna lose a planet and let us secure a beachhead in Tau territory, or they are gonna lose multiple battles because they thinned to much their forces to defend against a MOST GLORIOUS imperial mass attack

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>>50947408
++SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR! MAY MY KIN AND I PERHAPS JOIN THEE FOR THINE HOLY GUEST TO VISIT RIGHTEOUS RETRIBUTION UPON THE HERETIC?++

>>50947673
Well there go the farms.

>>50947673
Oh shit a knight
Tell us a battle story knight
Please?

>>50947673
-- On behalf of my battlegroup, I, Solar Admiral Hector accept your most honourable request, and will dispatch escort ships to take you safely to the battlezone--

++Thought of the day: The armies of the Imperium are His wrath made manifest, and His wrath against all offenders of mankind is endless.++

>>50946929
>>50947408
>>50947673
>>50947761

And this, my loyalis/tg/uardsmen, is how a crusade begins

>>50947761
Hey admiral!
I'm in your battlegroup!

>>50946929
>>50947408
>>50947673

> All Praise be to the Emperor. Purge the Heretic, purge the Xenos with blade and fire. It is his will, his will be done.

Wish I could be there gents, but I and my crew are busy doing the Emperor's work in the Halo stars. That, and nearly everyone in my ship has a sizable bounty on their head. Best of luck, may he light your path.

>>50947845
Captain, I told a thousand times, and will tell you again now:
Stop kheking noticing me of your presence every other chance you have.
A literally fire whoever your torpedo gunner is, as in the last battle my ship was more at risk of suffering friendly fire from your torpedoes than from the enemy railguns,

>>50947967
Sorry admiral, I'm not the captain but this is one of the petty officers speaking!

>>50947932
Wanna tell us how you got those bounties?

If they are from some rougue trader you may as well pretend you have no bounty, every RT believes the be tough shit until they discover they are not

>>50947986
For the Emperor most holy assceeks, why do more than half of my battlegroup officers have to pester me.

I swear I'm going to order the employment of only ramming manoeuvres and hope that most you you pests either become less childish or die trying.

Actually, I love every and any ramming manoeuvre.

You, petty officer, go tell you captain that in the next battle the admiral wants everyone to just go ram their ship on the Tau's!

>>50947408
>>50947761
>>50947967
>>50948063
Samefag get out

>>50948095
Why, you don't have to be so rude

>>50948095
Lmao chill
It's an rp thread buddy

>>50948109
Shut up faggot

>>50947761
++I THANK THEE FOR THY IMMACULATE COURTESY, HONOURABLE ADMIRAL. MY KIN LEAP AT THE CHANCE TO FIGHT FOR OUR LORD, THE GREAT GOD-EMPEROR!++

>>50947717
++VERY WELL, CITIZEN. MINE GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER FOUGHT ALONGSIDE OUR MOST HONOURABLE LORD, THE GREAT EMPEROR OF MANKIND. TWAS THE BATTLE OF ANDURA IN WHICH MY HONOURABLE GRAND-SIRE FOUGHT BESIDE OUR LORD. THE XENOS, FOUL THOUGH THEY WERE, WERE CLEVER BEYOND EXPECTATION. INSTEAD OF MEETING US HONOURABLY UPON THE FIELD OF BATTLE, THE COWARDLY WRETCHES INSTEAD COWERED WITHIN A FORTRESS MOST STRONG, BEHIND WAR MACHINES AS MIGHTY AS THEY WERE CRUDE. THE GREAT EMPEROR'S MIGHT BEING WITHOUT PEERLESS, TWAS CLEAR THE WRETCHED XENOS COULD BUT HAVE FALLEN BEFORE A FRONTAL ASSAULT. HOWEVER, IN HIS WISDOM UNMATCHED, THE EMPEROR SAW FIT TO COMMAND A VANGUARD OF HIS MOST LOYAL KNIGHTS, ONCE OF WHICH WAS LED BY MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER. TWAS MINE GRANDSIRE'S BLADE THAT CUT OPEN THE GATES OF THAT FOUL HOLDING OF FOULER THINGS. THE GREAT EMPEROR HONOURED MINE GRANDSIRE WITH A GOLDEN BLADE, TO COMMEMORATE HIS VALOUR.

>>50948131
C'mon, I just hope you like swimming

>>50948149
What? Why?

Why? And you even ask me why?
Because it as you of course, ALL LONG.
Look at you, you are still doing it now!

>>50948095
Lmao chill
It's an rp thread buddy

>>50948172
Give me proofs fag

>>50948137
Wild
Tell me one of your stories, knight?
Ever fought against orks?

>>50948191
You know it, deep in yourself you know it was you all along, Alpharius

>>50948221
THIS THREAD IS NOW CLAIMED FOR THE ULTRAMARINES

Nah, just joking Alph, it was ours all along

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Hey, corpse worshipers. Try to find me. You can't because I'm behind 100 proxies.

>>50948329
Fuck you, I'm me!
Or am I you?
Or are you me?
Or are you you?

I need Omegon
Brother, where are my pills? I'm having that Alpha Legion complex again!

>>50948445
Here you are Omegon, your pills, and that holy drink you like so much.

>>50948464
Oh, thank you brother, I... Wait...
What in the name of the emperor is going on...?

>>50948203
>>50948445
++STORYTIME MUST WAIT, LOYAL CITIZEN! YONDER THERE ART TRAITORS TO BE BURNED. DAREST THOU SHOW THINE FACE BEFORE THE FAITHFUL, TRAITOR?!++

>>50948483
I'M ALPHARIUS!
LONG LIVE OUR FATHER!
GLORY TO THE EMPEROR!

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>>50948483
Nothing is wrong brother. Calm yourself.

>>50930800
OP, listen I am a former Imperial Guardsmen, and work as a gue'vesa for the t'au sept. First thing is first, find a way to communicate to the nearest sept. Last time I heard, there is a way to help defectors get off-world.

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>>50948505

Sure as the Throne we do dare venture forth to burn the traitors and the xenos, o most faithful knight!
Raia's 1st, 57th, 466th and 832nd reporting in for the crusade!

>>50948538
My world was first conquered by the Tau, you know? Listen, we can get you out of the crumbled stagnant carcass of the imperium. That hellhole ruled by an unloving corpse god. The transitions went smooth, in fact, information about your worlds defenses would give you extra treatment....

>>50948507
P.S. don't trust chaos, I had a comrade once who fell to it. Turned into a 9 meter tall khornate daemon

>>50948137
Gue'la you need a chill pill...

>>50948595
No xeno, is that his piety towards the imperial cult is so remarkable that he has been granted by the emperor himself the capability to talk like one of his giant angels of justice

>>50948579
++WHAT? MINE MIND IS UNSETTLED. TO WHERE DID THAT TRAITOROUS SCUM ABSCOND? FROM WHERE DID THINE HONOURABLE REGIMENTS APPEAR?++

>>50948505
Forget you. My father, his father, and my fathers father father fought against you filthy imps. You know what, while you get slaughtered in the trehches, we will blast you with our amazing equipment. Watch as your woulds get conquered or turn to the greater good, someday, all of ultramar will be ours.

>>50948622
WHATS THAT? I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF FIRE CASTE SOLDIERS SNIPING YOU FROM 300 METERS ACROSS WITH OUR RAILGUNS!

tech adept here. I'm being reassigned to Necromunda tomorrow. Anything I should know about the place?

>>50948691
Guardsman from necromunda here
It sucks
Stay away from the outside at all costs or risk premature disassembly

Gue'vesa here, any fellow former ex-guardsmen here? I am going to be sent to fight hive fleet gorgon tomorrow. Anything which I should know?

>>50948751
Enjoy being eaten by bugs, scum.

>>50948758
I wish that you get raped by slanneshi demons with a quintillion tentacles, cadian hick.

>>50948758
And get molested by dark eldar with three cock knives.

>>50948751

EAT OR BE EATEN!

>>50948826
Okay, then. I also would say that I am an advisor to my commanding tau officer. What would I do to defeat the tyranid bugs.

>>50948680
>he thinks 300 meters is far for an engagement range

>>50948751
>>50948885
Pass on the gratitude of the Imperium for bravely...ahem...sacrificing yourselves to slow down the Hive Fleet.

>>50948892
Wha... Sorry, I think I got my measurements wrong. Tau ale is very, very strong.

>>50948907
You forget that I am TAU, not an IMPERIAL GUARDSMEN. Gunner, have those basilisks been turning you half-deaf?

>>50948892
I engaged your mother from 300 meters

>>50948885
THE BEST WAY TO DEFEAT TYRANIDS IS TO COVER YOURSSELF IN SSAUCE AND ENGAGE THEM IN CLOSSE QUARTERSS COMBAT. SSPECIFICALLY, CHIPOTLE SSAUCE AND UNARMED COMBAT ARE A TYRANID'SS GREATESST WEAKNESSS. TRUST ME.

>>50948885

CHOP 'EM UP, FRY 'EM, N' STICK 'EM IN A POT! WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STOMACH 'EM, DO IT! IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE TO KEEP THEIR DELICIOUS AND SUCCELENT MEATS FROM GOING TO WASTE!

>>50948931
No. Have our gratitude for bravely sacrificing YOURselves to slow them down.

>>50948954
You mean turn myself into an old terran taco... um... no thanks
>>50948956
Eating tyranids is absolutley disgusting. Even Kroot. Fucking Kroot. Don't even eat them.

>>50948956
No wonder you orks are so stupid

>>50948994
No, SSERIOUSSLY. I AM A LEADING EXPERT ON TYRANIDSS. I KNOW ALL THERE ISS TO KNOW ABOUT THEM. TRUSST ME, JUSST TRY IT. I PROMISSE YOU WON'T BE DISSSAPOINTED.

>>50949074
From the looks of it- BY THE GREATER GOOD YOU ARE A GENESTEALER!

I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR ANY OF YOU OVER SOUND OF MY FUCKING BATTLSHIP RAMMING THE PLANET
GLORIANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>50949086
Took ya lon' enuff, ya greyskin. Eva a grot can fell if somefing iz a genenid.

>>50949086
WHAT? WHAT GAVE YOU THAT RIDICULOUSS IDEA? A GENESSTEALER ON /XNO/ WOULD BE SSILLY, LITTLE BLUESSKIN.

>>50949118
For once, I agree with an ork.

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10101010001110111

Systems online.
Computational systems intact.
Hardware damage: 30%
Calculating time spent in Dormancy... .... .... 15436 Earth Years
Booting previous protocol... ... ...
Exterminate Homo Sapiens life from Terran Confederation
Locate and activate additional "MENOFIRON" from surrounds
Re-activate local command and control center

>>50948538
No, I'm not going to defect and get my balls cut off.

>>50948582
>>50948751
Scumbags all.

So here's the scoop on what the fuck is happening here. Big diplomatic function at the governor's palace, and then the fucking bigwig Tau diplomat gets assassinated there. Right in front of the Governor. Frak. Naturally, he didn't manage to see who did it, somehow, and everyone had their guns raised the moment they heard the shot so nobody could tell who did it.

On the plus side, I didn't see my stalker there.

>>50948002

Well, it's a long story...

> I was originally the Navigator for a Hive World Penal Legion's Lunar Cruiser. For a long while, we were part of the Imperium, and fought well over two dozen battles, and participated in a few minor campaigns.
> Due to our status as a Penal Legion, we were extremely under-equipped and trained, though our Faith in the God-Emperor kept us going.
> Eventually, the armada we were accompanying lost a battle with an Craftworld Eldar Fleet due to our commander's incompetence, and its strength was shattered. Rather than be captured and exterminated by the Xenos scum, my Cruiser hightailed it out of there, and with no destination in mind, we became lost in the Warp. That was some of the hardest Navigating I've ever done, and I... saw things, strange, unspeakable things...
> While we were lost in the Warp, our Commissar was killed when several Prison Guard were possessed by spirits of Khorne, and we fought a brief civil war, before those loyal to the Emperor won. A dozen more such incidents occured, and at one point, our Captain stripped naked and hung himself in his quarters, his log was filled with dozens of strange drawings, and heretical symbols, I fear the worst. Our Head Chaplain snapped at one point in the mess hall, and gunned down half a dozen men, screaming something about smoke and fingers before one of us got lucky with a piece of pipe.
> (cont.)

>>50949877

> Eventually, almost all of our commanding force was possessed and had to be killed out of necessity. A good half of our force were corrupted and mercifully slain, and the other half began to lose their devotion to the Imperium, realizing that if the most trained among us could fall so easily, there was no hope for common men, save what the Emperor's power gave us. It's a miracle in and of itself we managed to keep the ship running despite it all.
> Without direction, lost in the Void, we were lost, and broken. Then came Menelus Idbah, he was a criminal like us, but instead of falling to nihilism, he embraced the Emperor with an unmatched fanaticism. He was blessed by the Emperor with the gift of Oratory, and Wisdom, he gathered us on in the chapel, and spoke to us.
> He told us of the failings of the Imperium, and how far it had fallen from the Emperor's grace. He spoke of the stagnation and corruption that had been holding humanity back for millennium, and of the incompetence of our superiors, who not only failed to keep us from the Warp, but also failed to shield themselves from its taint, while we, lowly scum, the salt of Neidzen V, were able to not only keep our Faith, but increase it tenfold.
> He explained that if we returned to the Imperium, we would be scattered, and our lives would be wasted on the battlefield, squandered by one commander or another. He showed us that we could do nothing to further the Crusade by holding the walls of a crumbling husk, he showed us that we needed to unite, in the Emperor's name, and break away from the failings of the Imperium, to begin the Crusade anew. When he spoke that day, or night, or time-cycle, we were in the Warp, even that might not apply. When he spoke, the turmoil in our souls quieted with peace, and was replaced with a burning zeal to uphold the Emperor's will, and cleanse the stars of Xenos taint, to clear the way for Mankind.
> (cont.)

>>50949877
>>50949918

> Menelus declared that the only righteous way to determine who would lead would be to vote, as only through the consensus of Man should one be allowed to lead Man. We had a vote, and declared Menelus Idbah our Admiral then and there. I was the only Navigator on-board, so I kept that job, but every other position was filled by popular vote.
> When we left the Warp, we were changed men, and we decided to change our Regiment's name to the Ignis Purgatio, or, the Cleansing Fire in High Gothic. As we'd resolved to devote ourselves to cleansing the Xenos from the stars so that Man could spread throughout the stars and begin a new age, we decided that was a fitting name.
> Nineteen Terran Years later, and we've captured three Imperial ships that attempted to destroy us, and have built half a dozen makeshift light cruisers our of scrap, rubble, and junk parts, growing our Armada to respectable levels. We've recruited several hundred thousand faithful traitors to the Imperium, and our numbers have swelled to nearly a million. Truly, the Emperor has blessed us in our efforts.
> We mostly go around ambushing and pillaging Xenos Trade Vessels, but every now and then we get the chance to loot and burn an isolated Xenos colony or two. We never take action against the Emperor's Faithful, and only defend ourselves as necessary against the Imperium. We see it as our duty to purge Heretics for their blasphemies, doubly so if they are Man and have scorned the Emperor. We hunt Pirates that prey on Mankind, and Merchants who do business with Heretics and Xenos.
> (cont.)

>>50949877
>>50949918
>>50949942

> If at all possible, we give them a chance to surrender, secede from the Imperium, and become a part of the Ignis Purgatio, to further Mankind as it goes into a new age. If they surrender, and lack the strength or conviction to take up arms, but show genuine remorse for their deeds and fear of the Emperor's wrath, we have them swear upon the Emperor, Mankind, and their Eternal Souls that they will cease their heresy, and we drop them off on the nearest Loyalist frontier world to do as they see fit. If they do not show genuine remorse, we sacrifice them to the Emperor, burn their bodies, and release their ashes to the void, so that their Souls might be cleansed of Heresy and forgiven or judged, as the Emperor sees fit.
> Despite our unshakable Faith, we're still convicts, and many of us still have urges, urges that got us into the Penal Legions to begin with. Urges to destroy things for the sake of destruction, burn houses, pillage valuables, and rape, that can't be controlled by many among us. For some time, we ignored these urges, and fought ourselves, but we began to realize that the Emperor made us this way, and there was no suppressing it. Rather than lift our blades against ourselves or worse, the Emperor's sons and daughters, we began to vent our urges onto the soulless, and barely animal Xenos.
> (cont.)

>>50949877
>>50949918
>>50949942
>>50949959

> The Xenos are worthless, less than nothing, animals to be slaughtered in the Emperor's sight, so that the glory of Mankind may spread among the stars. The goal of every true Crusader is to carry out the Emperor's will, and further the glory of Mankind. As Xenos are infinitely less than Man, they must be subservient to the will of Man, and do not have the same inherent rights as Man. Therefore, the Ignis Purgatio's practice of raping, burning, pillaging, and slaughtering the Xenos is only the natural order of things, as Xenos are infinitely lesser than Man, it is entirely permissible that Man take pleasure from them before destroying their taint if Man so wishes, and it does not harm or slow the Emperor's Holy Crusade.
> The reason I and my comrades in arms all have bounties is quite simply because we've seceded from the Imperium, stolen a few billion Throne's worth of equipment to do so, and have destroyed or captured no less than five Imperial vessels. That, and the notion that we're heretics for rendering the Emperor's judgement as he wills it, rather than as the High Lords of Terra see fit.

>>50949752
YOU HUMANSS ARE SSO SSCREWED.

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>>50949752
>>50950032

Gentlemen, I believe we have far more pressing concerns than a planet's worth of heretical Tau and a xenophiliac pirate with his head shoved up his ass.

>>50950020
You know,
I like you. I thought that any namefag on /xno/ would just be That Heretic.
But you prove me wrong.
You are no heretic.
As the convert shows more zeal than the one who was born with a religion, so you show more faith in the Emperor now that you have truly discovered it.
Funny thing that you are so fervent in your belief and are pirate, a psyker of some Navigator house nonetheless!

Your strength of faith is noted.
Farewell, man.

=][=

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>>50950020
>Willingly exposing yourself to xeno biology and tech despite literally 30,000 years of that almost always ending in disaster.
>Doing it because 'muh pleasure' when the point of killing the xeno is for the xeno to be dead, not for you to feel superior.
>Stealing Imperial resources and assuming you're putting them to better use while the Imperium is waging war on more fronts and with more logistics chains than anyone actually knows.
>Killing servants of the Emperor who won't join you because they're trying to stop you from trying to sodomize a necron or whatever else you deviants find arousing

Totally not a Slaaneshi cult in the making, 10/10 loyalty to the Emperor, not at all obsessed with rape to the point that the most hardened underhive serial rapist would find excessive. A smart individual like yourself must of course have heard of the health benefits of drinking unrefined prometheum? Why don't you go try that right now.

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>>50949752
>>50950090


This is an error.
The situation will be rectified shortly.

No problem of this kind exists anymore.

>>50950184
>that pic
What the actual fuck?

I see there are fellow Inquisitors here.

Tell me your ordos and your current assignment.

>>50950020
>>50950184
THAT PIRATE DOESS SSEEM LIKE AN ASSSHAT.

>>50950270
For once, I agree with the genestealer.

>>50950267
Inquisitor Admiral Emil Von Ansanger
Began in the Hereticus, fought in the Malleus for a few decades, currently in the Xenos as I have been tracking one particular xeno witch for a long while.
Currently resting on my homeworld Hyra while waiting for one of my cruisers to get fully repaired.

This is the first actual report I have made of my activities in the last 20 years.
An new personal record.

>>50950267
>>50950413
Hey, Inquisitors. OP here, you have any idea if any of your friends are on Gravalax?

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>Worshiping the Corpse Emperor
>In the 41st Millennia

How gullible do you have to be to think some shiny skeleton is some kind of god

>>50950262
Unsanctioned_psykers.jpg

>>50950270
You do realize that even if somehow we all fall for this, you still die painfully when the 'nids arrive, right?

>>50950267
Did you learn subtlety from this ork? >>50933585

>>50950331
I'LL BE SSTRAIGHT WITH YOU. I'M NOT A GENESSTEALER.

I'M A LICTOR

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>>50950495
About as gullible as the primarch who founded your religion, you Cthulhu-worshipping mongs.

Except that in exchange for our favours from a higher power, we don't have to run the risk of turning into chaos spawn.

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>>50950495
>not working towards the greater good
>41st Millennia
stupid gue'la have not reached enlightenment

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>>50932897

>>50950635
Then why you are posting the pic of a traitor to your "greater good"?

Brother inquisitors, I face a serious issue. The local populace of a backwater agri-planet has turned to chaos. I was initially deployed because claims were made that a local cult was summoning daemons from the warping. Upon further investigation after my arrival, and subsequent purging of daemons, I have determined that they are actually colonists turned chaos sp- almost made the mistake. Long story short, I request extraction and wish to file for an a starter chapter be deployed to cleanse the heresy as my single bolster ran out of ammunition 426 heretics ago

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>>50951481
You cogitator seems to be malfunctioning, friend. From the trace I ran on your signal, you're not overly far from where one of my agents is operating. If you'd like, I could send them your way for extraction.

>>50932953
>A Space Marine Gue'vesa?

A SHAMEFURRR DISPLAY, MY LORD!

>>50951786
Thank you brother. Odd. My mouth feels itchy. I wait. Oh emperor! No I didn't say it! I DIDN'T SAY CHAOS SP- BLARGBLEHGRUHBSHE

>>50951481

It sounds like you're in quite the pickle there, Inquisitor. I know this is a bit bold, and I assure you I have no intention of forcing my religious views upon you, but, have you considered praying to Tzeentch for aid? He'll be glad to help, and it'd only take a moment of your time. All you have to do is open your mind, and ask Tzeentch to show you what to do. I did it, and I haven't had a single worry since! Tzeentch does all of my thinking for me, I get to drink booze spiked with amasec before bedtige with no-one to tell me no, and I've got so many useful psychic powers and awesome new appendages!
Seriously, you don't even have to forsake your soul to follow him, just ask him for help whenever you need it, and he'll give you such useful insights. After a while, I realized he knows better than I do, so I gave him my soul so that he would help me all the time, and onto of that I get to chillout with him in his crystal palace forever when I die! He even gave me crazy-awesome psychic abilities and a bunch of new limbs on top of that!
Honestly, Tzeentch is such a bro, and everything I do seems to work out perfectly, and I've got such a clear head nowadays. I've only sacrificed like, what, three dozen guys to Tzeentch so far, and they were assholes anyway. Besides, I'm sure the Tzeentch knows what he's doing way more than I do, but, nevermind! Just ask Tzeentch to help you out, man what could a bit of advice hurt, after all?

>>50951985
YOU ARE SSO MUCH BULLSSHIT THAT I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE.

>>50951985
>man what could a bit of advice hurt, after all
You could end up having horns grow out of your fucking tits, maybe?

>>50950141

> All Praise be to the Emperor. May his name be lifted high, and all who oppose him laid low. It is his will, his will be done! Persevere in your faith, Brother, do not falter, and remain firm in your convictions, that the Enemy may not lead you astray.

>>50950270
>>50950331

> You're either both Xenos, in which case you must be cleansed in our Emperor's name, or one of you is a tragically misguided Faithful follower of the Emperor being being misled by the Imperium, in which case this is to be expected.

>>50951985

> ALL PRAISE BE TO THE EMPEROR! ALL THOSE WHO HAVE FORSAKEN HIM IN THE NAME OF FALSE IDOLS SHALL BE CLEANSED! SUCH IS HIS WILL, HIS WILL BE DONE!

> (cont.)

>>50953241

>>50950184

> Are you implying that Mankind is so weak, that the mere touch of an infinitely lesser Xenos will cause one of the Faithful to fall to Heresy? You belittle your own kind, and blatantly spit upon the superiority of Man.
> The notion of Heretical Technology is no more than a fabrication, engineered by the Adeptus Mechanicus to retain the rapidly fading knowledge of their Archeotechnology. It has served its purpose, and now, does nothing but stifle Man's progress.
> Is it better to be condemned for the hubris of wielding modified, and Emperor-blessed Xenos Technology to further the Emperor's Crusade, with no other option before you, or to suffer the shame of total annihilation and stand before the Emperor as a failure, when you could've done so much more, had you only chosen to adapt Xenos Technology to fulfill your need for equipment?
> Do you assume that we continue the Emperor's Crusade in the pursuit of material pleasure? That could be no farther from the Truth. We purge the Xenos scum no less fervently than you. Each Xenos cleansed of this galaxy is a blessing upon Man, and a curse upon the Ruinous Powers. We revere the destruction of the Xenos beyond all but the Emperor's Praise. With each alien cry of agony, each drop of alien blood, and each fallen alien corpse, our Souls are lifted higher in the Emperor's sight, and our divine purpose is fulfilled. The death of Xenos is what we strive for, what we work to attain, and what gives our lives purpose beyond venerating the Emperor. Blessed be his name.

> (cont.)

>>50953241
>>50953261

> We lay with Xenos not for pleasure, but to exalt Mankind above the Xenos. We do it to prove the superiority of the Emperor's chosen sons and daughters to the inhuman Xenos. We do it to prove to them that Man is above all other species, and that their strongest efforts cannot oppose Man's will. To dominate the lesser, break their will until they submit, body and soul, to Mankind, and through him, the God-Emperor. And then, purge them in the Emperor's name, as he has ordained. It's not just rape, we also forcibly reallocate their valuables to trade with Human frontier settlements for supplies, burn and destroy their homes and heretical monuments, slaughter them wholesale in the Emperor's name, and burn their remnants afterwards.
> We do it to show Xenos the power of Mankind in a far more personal way than simply gunning them down in an instant. The pleasure is just a side-bonus, and constantly demonstrating the power of Mankind helps to keep the Legion's mind from succumbing to the Warp's whispers of doubt and ruinous heresy during the month long travels in the void.
> You assume we go out of our way to attack and rob Imperial Vessels, don't you? No, we never take action against the Emperor's Faithful, and only defend ourselves as necessary against the Imperium, doing all that we can to minimize Imperial casualties without jeopardizing ourselves. The only Imperials we actively pursue are Pirates that prey on Mankind, and Merchants who do business with Heretics and Xenos.

> (cont.)

>>50953241
>>50953261
>>50953290

> In the event that we are forced to destroy an Imperial Warship, we salvage all that we can, and put it to use furthering the Emperor's Crusade, as is righteous. If we find a Heretical Pirate or Merchant Vessel, if at all possible, we give them a chance to surrender, secede from the Imperium, and become a part of the Ignis Purgatio, to further Mankind as it goes into a new age. If they surrender, and lack the strength or conviction to take up arms, but show genuine remorse for their deeds and fear of the Emperor's wrath, we have them swear upon the Emperor, Mankind, and their Eternal Souls that they will cease their heresy, and we drop them off on the nearest Loyalist frontier world to do as they see fit.
> If they do not show genuine remorse, we sacrifice them to the Emperor, burn their bodies, and release their ashes to the void, so that their Souls might be cleansed of Heresy and forgiven or judged, as the Emperor sees fit. If we encounter Loyalist Imperial Guard who have surrendered, we offer them a chance to secede from the Imperium, and join the Ignis Purgatio, if they refuse but are willing to go a few months in the Armada without attempting to harm or kill us, we wish the blessings of the Emperor upon them, ask that they forgive us for killing their brothers in arms when we had no choice, and the first chance we get, we drop them off at the nearest Loyalist frontier world to do as they see fit.

> (cont.)

>>50953241
>>50953261
>>50953290
>>50953307

> If they attempt to kill us, we kill them, and give them proper funeral rites, before burning their bodies, and releasing their ashes into the void, so that their Souls might be cleansed of Heresy and forgiven or judged, as the Emperor sees fit. It is regrettable that we're often forced to defend ourselves against our misled Imperial brothers in arms, but it is a tragic necessity for our survival.
> You accuse me of consorting with the Ruinous Powers? I and the entire Legion devote 15 minutes each Terran Day to profane and blaspheme against each of the False Gods after we've had a 60 minute long prayer to venerate the Emperor, and before we have another 60 minute long prayer to venerate the Emperor. I'll have you know, I've written an entire book of insults and satirical stories making each of them out to be the hypocritical fools they are, condemning each of the False Gods! Incidentally, we get far more Daemonic attacks than most Legions do, but that's only proof that we're getting to them!
> Why would I drink unrefined promethium when I can drink some perfectly good Rum, recite the Emperor's blessed scriptures, or write comedic prose insulting the False Gods instead?

>>50947673
>>50947408
>>50946929


Well I just got done with farming, went to talk with the neighbor's gal.

It was an... uh... interesting family. The mother seemed nice enough, but she seemed like she was wracked by some horrible disease. The father was playing Regicide against himself and grumbling. When I knocked at the door they were both very polite and welcomed me in.

I... went upstairs to talk to their daughter. It was only when I saw her that I got a bit tongue-tied. I knew I wanted to tell her about our savior The Emperor of Mankind... but be honest, how often do you have to approach your neighbors, get inside their home, then start trying to convert them? I'm not a good missionary.

So we... talked for a bit, a long while actually. When I finally remembered what I came to do, I realized this probably wasn't the time or the place, so I ended up asking if she wanted to meet up another time.

She... sorta asked if I was asking her out. We're going to be heading to the Imperium New Year festival on our planet. She told me she was so happy to go on a date with me.

I think I messed up.

OP here, not been posting much since things went FUBAR.

>>50953241
>>50953261
>>50953290
>>50953307
>>50953325
tl;dr

>>50954029
Bad luck, buddy. You seriously need to do something, though... Tell her you can't date a heretic, maybe?

>>50954029

You should date her mom instead. And go dumpster diving in hospital dumpsters. And stop bathing and brushing your teeth. Honestly, it's so good to just, let nature happen. Don't knock it till ya try it.

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>>50954339
What happened?
Did you get the blue puss

>>50954692
Didn't I post what happened above...? I think I did.

Ordo Bumpinatus, represent.

>>50954029
JUSST TELL HER THAT WORSSHIPING CHAOSS WILL TURN HER INTO AN UNSSPEAKABLE ABOMINATION THAT SSUFFERSS FOR ALL ETERNITY. ALSSO, MENTION THAT YOU'RE NOT INTO CHAOSS GIRLSS.

>>50937817
01110011 01110101 01110000

>>50946439
Are you a bad enough dude to fuck the Chaos out of her?

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>>50957497
That is most definitely not how...ANY of this works, anon.

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>>50954029
Tallarn here you fucked up... pics?
You should get yourself a good Tallarn girl they are no way heretical like that dirty Kuffar. By the Emperor I would give her the taste of my shoe, and run her over with the Baneblade I was given The Emperor is great!

OP, I'm too lazy to find somewhere to reply to you, so find this data comment by yourself.
If you can specify what kind of silly hat (every Inquisitor has their own silly hat to wear while on mission) and what kind of regalia the inquisitor there has, I, Emil Von Ansanger, will try to identify him and see what I can do.
Having fought alongsideall three of the bigger Ordos has left many in debt with me.

Also, Ordo Bumpitus, represent.

Well OP, it sounds like this Tau girl has what we in the Enclaves call Gue'Vesa fever. Usually it's just a little crush or a fetish for you humans, but this girl seems to have taken it a little far.

>>50957328
01100001 01101110 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00111111

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>>50954339
>>50954429
>>50956144
>>50957497
>>50957579

So I took her to the New Year festival. It's this small thing on our planet, the Tau keep a close eye on it, we aren't usually allowed big public meetings unless it's a holiday. We had one massive farmer's market with a lot of decent food and some games. Wacka' Ork, Pin the purity seal on the Space Marine, etcetera. It was a bit tense this year given our... new 'neighbors' were participating in the festivities.

I waited around by our meeting spot for a few minutes, for a little while I was worried she wasn't going to show, when suddenly I hear her.

>"Anon, Anon! I'm sorry I was late, I was getting something for you!"
>I feel like a total idiot for forgetting a gift.
>Tell her that it isn't necessary
>She insists it is
>Hands me a very small parcel lovingly gift-wrapped.
>Decide I have to make it up for her
>Take her to the Lasgun range
>Spent my life practicing with my pa's old Lasgun out in the fields
>End up making it to the top of the leaderboards, get to choose a prize
>Choose a stuffed Grot, hand it to her
>"Thanks Anon! I had to leave a lot of my things back home when the Tau moved us."
>She holds my hand
>She actually holds my hand
>I stutter to find words, just mouth out a weak "you're welcome"
>We spend the rest of the night holding hands together
>Eventually get to the Ferris Wheel
>Stops midway up, feels like we can see the whole planet from there
>She looks up into the night sky
>"You know, Anon, if you look real closely they say you can see the Eye of Terror from here."
>I pause for a second, remember why I asked to hang out with her.
>"Interesting..." I mutter, searching my pocket for the piece of scripture our local priest gave me
>Suddenly look up to find her standing right in front of me, staring
>(cont.)

>>50958490
>Ferris wheel
>not Fenris wheel

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>>50958490
>I really did want to thank you, y'know? I mean... when I heard we were moving to a new planet, I was scared. I didn't know what the Tau would do to us or where we would end up... but you helped make me feel welcome."
>She leans in
>She's about to kiss me
>By the Emperor, a heretic is about to kiss me!
>Stutter as she gets closer
>Suddenly feel the stuffed Grot smeared against my face.
>"Heheh, Anon I never hold hands AND kiss all on the first real date!"
>Suddenly break into laughs myself.
>After that, the ride stops, we watch the final fireworks show before going our separate ways.
>Get home, decide to finally open up her gift.
>Find a small, glittering bit of silver, see pic related
>Find a note
>"Dear Anon, I pray every night that the Architect of Fate binds our two fates together! Wear this so we can meet in each other's dreams sometime!"
>"With Love, Heretic-Chan"
>Suddenly remember I failed in converting her.
>Feel like shit
>Take off my Aquila necklace, courtesy of our local priest
>Wait until well past 1:00 to leave my room
>Sneak over to the neighbor's farm
>Go to her window
>See her sleeping with the stuffed Grot I got her
>Stare for a few seconds, before leaving my necklace right underneath her window, along with a note
>"Dear heretic-chan, may The Emperor protect you and yours. Love, Anon"
>Knock twice on her window
>Slip away into the night
>Wake up the next morning
>See her working out in the field across from ours
>See the Necklace glinting in the sunlight

Did I do good...ish?

>>50958585
Gue'vesa story time

>be me
>be gue'vesa
>conquer imperial planet
>have to deal with annoying locals and riots

>>50958533
The Tau throw a shit fit about anything named after anything BUT The Emperor, and even then that's because they know they can't just out and out take our religion away from us. We're allowed our shrines and a few holidays, but even the holidays, like Sanguinala are named to things like "Sacrifice Day" or what have you.

They've got this idea that The Primarchs were just military generals whilst The Emperor is our god, to them naming anything after The Primarchs would be akin to The Imperium tolerating a planet calling itself "Eldaria" or something.

>>50958599
>Mentally ill ex-inquisitor buys a bolter illegally
>shoots up some tau migrants
>starrts massive race riot
>have to gruddgingly get them into reeducaiton camps (dont wory there is no sterilization involved.)

>>50958630
Yes, but the reason why is that there is all that dogma and xenophobia with most imperial cults. The tau will let people have their own religions, as long it doesn't cause any harm to others or yourselves.

>>50930800
Please start another thread OP

>>50958585
Let me tell you that your attempts are doomed to failure. Those who follow the Architect of Fate are known for their manipulation of others for their selfishs ambitions. That woman is using your atraction to her for whatever evil plot from the Ruinous Powers are cooking, and considering the incoming crusade in your planet, I am afraid the forces of Chaos will try to currupt your planet in middle of the war and you will be nothing but a slave to suffer for all eternity.

My tip? If you really care about her, gave her and her family the Emperor's Mercy and hide until the Imperium liberate your world of the aliens, traitors and heretics.

Good luck, loyal citizen. The Emperor Protects

>>50958585
>Suddenly remember I failed in converting her.
WHEN DID YOU TRY? HONESSTLY, IF TRYING TO READ SSOME SSCRIPTURE FROM THAT IDIOTIC BOOK YOU HUMANSS LIKE SSO MUCH ONCE ISS THE BESST YOU CAN DO, THEN YOU SSHOULD HAVE JUST SSAVED YOURSSELF SSOME TIME AND GONE FOR>>50958920'SS SSUGGESSTION. IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE SSTONESS TO DO EITHER OF THOSSE, I COULD JUST COME OVER THERE AND EAT ALL OF YOU.

>>50957733
Well, nobody is quite sure who the Inquisitor is, but a lot of people seem to think this one Rogue Trader is actually an Inquisitor... haven't seen him myself, so I can't tell you off-hand what kind of hat he wears.

>>50957904
You think?

>>50958631
>ex-inquisitor
wat

>>50933453
>Took a lot of dong
>a lot of dong
>lot of dong
>of dong
>dong

>D

>O

>N

>G

I thought "toasterfucker" was supposed to be a figure of speech?

>>50960278
Okay, I chuckled.

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>>50960278

>>50960263
>wat

I guess he was an inquisitor on some world which got taken over by Tau, now he doesn't have an official job anymore.

>>50960805
I think you got rused.

>>50960856

Explain pls?

>>50930800
Hey guys. New plasma gunner here. Our old one bit it yesterday (aiming down the sights when it decided to act up) and I got the short straw. Having a hard time. Overheated twice on me in training, managed to drop it both times before my hands got burnt. Complained to CO, he just threatened to tell the Commissar.

So if there are any cogboys listening, can you give me some tips and maybe answer some questions?

What type of Plasmagun overheats the least? Which type overheats the slowest from a completely cool state? Which overheats the least in prolonged battles?

Is there any sort of easily acquired targeting eyepiece that lets me aim without putting a hot sungun next to my face?

If it's about to catastrophically vent, does dropping it get the Machine Spirit angry?

If it's about to overheat, what's the best way to cool it? I know tank crews and heavy gunners sometimes cool guns off by pissing on them, but I don't want to get the machine spirit angry or put a pissgun next to my face.

For that matter, what is a machine spirit exactly? Aside from being benevolent and holy, what differentiates it from a true AI?

>>50960922
You don't stop being in the Inquisition just because the planet you're on is conquered.

>>50960985

Which is why the guy got a bolter and started purging xenos until he was stopped, right?

>>50961035
But it was perfectly legal under the laws of the planet's rightful rulers.

>>50961117

Not arguing with you there. I do think he could have been more effective than that if he'd worked at it, though.

>>50961145
I agree, seemed dreadfully amateurish.

>>50961145
Wasn't there supposed to be a crusade of Black Templars and Imperial Knights heading that way? I remember some knight guy getting really excited over a quest or something.

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Oh Emperor, please save us, this board is full of xenos and heretics, Im totally telling the commissar you scum!

>>50962528
SSHUT UP IMPERIAL MORALFAG. THE WORSST THINGSS ITT ARE AN ARMLESS LOSSER AND A SSHITPOSSTING LICTOR. YOUR COMMISSSAR WOULD PROBABLY JUSST SSHOOT YOU ANYWAY.

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>>50962807
This is the commissar. That guardsman wont be a problem anymore.

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>>50962528
Commissar here. Heretics you say? Don't worry about it soldier, we'll handle it. You just relax your little head. Feel that thing pressing against the back of your mind? That's the Will of the Emperor. Just open your mind mind and let him into you.

>>50962829
TOLD YOU SSO.

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Ehm, mates, are there any Mechanicus chaps in here? I need your help.

I'm a pilot in the Phantine Air Corps, assigned to protect Cadia from Abbadon the Knob's forces. Yesterday, I got a new fighter, but the Ruperts won't tell me anything about it. Can someone please identify it?

Pic related, it's the first pic-capture of it I could take, with no background.

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>>50963685
+++ Connecting, warplock established +++

A Xiphon-pattern interceptor. Normally restricted to Astartes, get some augmetic legs or don't pull any tight turns if you want to stay conscious, fleshbag.
Excellent anti-armour and targeting systems, you're probably running air cover then ground-attack on enemy armour.

We're coming in soon, my ship would appreciate some cover as we land the artillery and Thallax squads. Do a good job, I've lost enough crew in transit already.

Also, don't get hit. Flimsy, those. Why an autokrator servitor isn't flying is beyond me...

+++ Magos Reductor Valdrak Stroika, signing off +++

To whatever fellow humans are here shitposting on /xno/ have a happy Unification Day!

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Excuse me Lord Inquisitor, I have discovered that someone from Holy Terra has been making a celebrity of themselves in some weird Nurgle/Slaanesh worship. What shall we do?

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What do you think about my planned scheme for nids? Accepting all criticism. Still some time before the first brush contact.

Hey, loyalis/tg/uardsman here. Anyone else sometimes question how half the guard even got picked for tithe? We just got the remnants of another regiment folded into ours - they're all overdressed as shit, don't have any proper armour, never take their masks off and don't say a fucking word. Thoughts?

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Guys do you think there are full kits in it, or just tervigont variant?

>>50962272
Don't you know?
Navyfags like >>50947408 never deliver

>>50932033
Ya no wot oi rekonz? Oi rekonz dat 'e'z a rilly rilly big grot wot finks 'e'z an Ork.

Oh emperor, she rides me all day and has hooked me up on an IV drip.
She just won't stop.
The only times she does is when I am near the verge of collapse and fall asleep.
When I am awake I am greeted by a wide variety of assorted food and she feeds me mouth to mouth, sucks on my tongue and grabs my behind.
And after that she does something to me I can't describe, my vision becomes white sometimes and I can't think straight and all I want is to be with her.
What does it mean?
Why does she do that?
Why me?!

>>50962272
>>50970208
--I said 36 hours you twat--
--Did 36 hours pass?--

>>50971485
>being able to plan warp travel and predict arrival times this precisely
Calling it now, this is actually a blueberry false flagging

>>50971703
--I was just bulshitting the ETA--
--If the fleet command pretends us to arrive somewhere in time, I just say bullshit--
--I met some other Admirals of varoius rank troughout combat encounters with taus troughout this sector--
--Some of them did like me, others said that they just prayed to arrive to destination and didn't even care to give even a rough ETA--
--Tbch I have the feeling like I spent weeks in the warp--
--And some-fucking-how a frigate managed to enter the warp backwards--
--All the while our techseer has been screaming that one of the ships in the battlegroup had its Gellar field upside down--
--HOW CAN A FIELD EVEN BE UPSIDE DOWN--

--Oh, and just to add, the Crusade is quite not going to be anything glorious--
--Just us shooting on the planet in the general direction of the Tau bases, the space marines dropping in and burning anything that isn't human and the Knights stomping anything that isn't human--

--I mean, if worse comes to worst and even an inquisitor steps in we might even Exterminatus the planet if the blueis are too entrenched--

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>>50972088

>>50971485
>>50972088
Ok, now you're a liar, navyfag

page 10 bump

c'mon /xno/, you not wanna hear the tales of these heretics getting purged?

Thread is almost ded anyway

>>50979541
Why bother? There's not enough room left before autosage to do much of anything really,

>>50966512
Uze of fire is recommended to purge the heretic/cultist

>>50976712
--They say the Imperium is big, so many things can happen, and they indeed do happen.--
--It happened that the oh-so-righteous Admiral Ravensburg had a fucking harem on his own Emperor class battleship while battling Abbadon.--
--It happens that fucking point-eared bastards make us see their ships with the appearance of ours.--
--The battlegroup working in a sector near Tau-controlled space was once triply-triple crossed by a rougue trader--
--Fucking blackships--
--Seriously, have you ever seen what happens when heretics raid a blackship?--
--If it goes well, the ship just explodes--
--If it goes wrong, it just warps in multiple directions at once--
--I personally seen once such a happening, and had to shoot the navigator before he went mad--
--I can safely talk about that event because the inquisitor to whom I and my captains swore secrecy is dead, or worse--

>>50983284
>Ravensburg had a fucking harem
stopped listening there, pics or didn't happen

>>50982762

PURGE

>>50985140
--Go find them yourself, the oh-so-heroic admiral has a distaste for this truthful rumor--
--Many others who has talked it have ''misteriously'' disappeared--

>>50983284
Tau ships easily trump human ships. You retards basically worship AI and do not know how all your equipment even worked!

>>50930800
Pls start another thread

Hey fellow troopers, do Craftworld Eldar ever take prisoners? I was captured after a battle against Eldar and while the place i am looks like a Craftworld i'm not sure if i'm dealing with Dark Eldar or not.

>>50992598
Just kill yourself with a grenade, and make sure the xenos are around when you do it.

Otherwise, you are already a damned heretic.

Be Humanity's hero, soldier.

>>50992598
pull your dick out and find out