Psychological Issues #90

File: memetest.png (68KB, 474x363px) Image search: [Google]

68KB, 474x363px

Hi Nick,
Up late, not sleeping much these days. I don't know how much credence to give that test but compared to the last time I took it I've gone from Very-High Schizoid to High; I try to answer as truthfully as I can, not sure which answer(s) changed but I guess that it's positive, while not dispositive in regards to any part of my mental state, in non-meme test land.
I have a big day (for me) coming up today or tomorrow, I almost never do, and I'm starting to have the cloud of panic about bad outcomes and can I just stay in the house-thoughts.
I so rarely do anything and yet I'm always exhausted and stressed. I used to kind of do it, but it's inconceivable to me how people fit activities, jobs, self-care, et. al into their lives.
This train of thought is never productive. Meh.
How are you doing this morning?

>>38250372

This is the craziest result to that particular test I have ever seen.

I don't even know how you can have avoidant and histrionic on very high simultaneously.

Holy shit! I'm impressed. But yeah, that test is super sensitive. Don't be alarmed.

Once you do daily things as a routine, it all becomes manageable; when you're with someone, even more so as they do some of the tasks you'd do alone otherwise.

Give me examples of this stuff and tell me what the big day is about!

I'm constantly tired lately, because of the heat. I'm resting from yesterday's work out. So I eat healthy and shove protein down my throat. Muscle repair and all that. I'm reading and writing e-mails.

Slow time.

I'm available for chess, if anyone wants to play some. My level is something like weak intermediate.

>>38250484
Sensitive, catch-all test, wouldn't worry me if I believed it, they're just words and I'm exceedingly aware I'm a weird dude.
I have no routine or purpose really, my day(s) is an unusual one. I used to be fairly talented at poker, before the second wind of crazy really took hold, and I'm (theoretically) playing live poker for the second time in 5 years tomorrow(today), assuming I manage to force myself to the casino. Assuming I can convince myself I could show on any day I was lucky enough to make.
I can't get any grip around routine, as much as I know it exacerbates everything else, all I managed to eat today were granola (candy) bars and skittles.
It's a wonderful adaptation really, every time it would be helpful for me to not be mentally unstable I stop sleeping, can only stomach sugar, shovel down xanax and can't get out of my head.
Time doesn't heal wounds. I wish I hadn't told anyone or needed anyone to get here so I could just go home, without anyone knowing I'm too crazy to do one of the one things I was sane enough to do.
I don't know how I manage to logic that I'm utterly alone for practical purposes, and yet every one of my myriad failures brings me great shame.
It's all really rather silly, in the scope of how fucked I am. Doing a good job of diverting all my racing thoughts around it, though.

>>38250745
>they're just words

Words kill and save lives. Never underestimate words. I much preferred getting physically assaulted than verbally attacked, for example.

I like poker too.

Let's do something: make a list of your problems, small items for each entry, but list as many as you can. Go!

>the thread is up before I go to bed
Huh, is the thread usually up at this time? Either way, good morning from burgerland.

A few hours ago I hit a slump and now I'm feeling the waves of sadness wash over my body as my inner thoughts tear into me. Nothing interests me right now and I'm just sitting here playing some shitty vidya to distract myself from everything while some ASMR calms my nerves before I get some sleep. Right now I should be fairly honest, if a little vague and lacking in detail, but should I take that 4 degreez test and see what my scores say? Any other tests I could take to pass some time so I end up sleeping like a rock? Figure this is more productive than shitty vidya.

Also does anyone have some good ways to quiet those inner thoughts that do nothing but shit all over you, since shitty vidya isn't always viable and it doesn't really work as a distraction all the time. If I'm going to rebuild my self esteem I'll have to deal with those eventually.

>>38250887
I usually try to quiet them with drugs but when i run out of drugs then its just worse

>>38250887
>Huh, is the thread usually up at this time?

No. I may open it even earlier, like a few hours before now. The absolute mad man.

>>38250887
>. Right now I should be fairly honest, if a little vague and lacking in detail, but should I take that 4 degreez test and see what my scores say?

Yes, but expect massive results, like everyone else. It's just a pointer test, not very serious.

All the tests:

Tests

https://www.depression-anxiety-stress-test.org/take-the-test.html
http://www.celebritytypes.com/dark-triad/test.php
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/do-i-have-ocd
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm
http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/stpd/stypal.php
https://pcsearle.com/screening/screen_des.html
http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/
http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/
https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/
http://www.educateautism.com/infographics/sally-anne-test.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/health/mental-health-assessment

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/seven_deadly_sins.html

>>38250835
I'm 27 with no job history and 3 college drop outs from progressively less prestigious schools.
I don't know if I've ever had a real friend, but there have been lots of people around from time to time.
I've never had a romantic relationship, and yet somehow almost no one I used to know (have pretty much burned all bridges) would have believed that.
I lie all the time because people hated me when I spoke plainly and I just want to be calm and left alone, it's exhausting and I get little from it but it's a part of my interaction with anyone I need to.
I'm missing most of the memory of my life in all but the most semantic and 1.5-handed perspective.
I never picture my life further than a year or two out because I always assume I'll have killed myself by then.
Nothing makes me happy, I'm not sure I would be able to deal with it, some things just make me less anxious than others.
That's some of it, at least.

As you might imagine, I dwelt on our interaction last night for some time. I felt attacked, so I responded. My paranoia had hiked a great deal. I spent some time thinking about how best to revenge myself; how to sabotage, how to attack. How to redress the perceived attack. How to take back control. I do feel as though I have lost standing, because ultimately your debating technique - calling out fallacies etc - was superior. I bristled at this, and attempted to press the attack. I was infuriated to see that my opening tactic didn't work since it tends to be a reliable one.

However, even as I sought to retaliate I was in two minds: there was the Nick who was now my enemy and also the Nick I've known all along. I tend to think about things in terms of a pack mentality - alpha, beta, etc - and it was hugely frustrating to see my position weaken. For my ego it was essential to persevere. However, I wondered why I was doing what I was doing, and I didn't really have an answer. What was my endgame, then? To have you shut the threads, or to hurt you? What would be the point? Why would I want to do that? The best answer that I could come up with was that I felt injured and so the best thing to do would be to attempt to return the injury. Still, I found this to be insubstantial. It was about then that I retreated to lick my wounds.

On re-reading, one thing did strike me. You weren't addressing me, but you mentioned that people often responded with hostility when their views are challenged. I do believe that self-examination and interrogation of entrenched systems of belief is important; as such, with a cooler head, I ought to give that another go.

On that note, the beliefs themselves: as for feeding on psychic/ spiritual energy, I doubt that you will shake me on this. I do feel energised by the misery of others at times, and the incident you mentioned yesterday was intoxicating. As such, I can imagine that the same would be true only far more potent.

(1/2)

>>38250952
>people hated me when I spoke plainly

Details on that one.

> and 1.5-handed perspective.

Wut?

OK, there's work to do with all this. Be sure to answer any question I ask you, we'll make some progress.

Even were it only a trick of the mind, I would feel it and so that would be real enough (not least because of my at times sollipsistic outlook).

Your words about guilt and shame might have hit their mark a little. People tell themselves and others stories, and those I tell myself and that you tell me are wildly differing and disorienting. At times you say I'm a troubled hero, and I see myself that way too now and again, doing my best to help others as far as I'm able. I consider myself to be a generous person, though not truly compassionate. I do try to help others but I do not believe that I feel the sorts of emotions that are commonly associated with doing so, nor do I empathise easily or effectively. The closest I can find to goodness is in self-sacrifice and consideration for others, even if I cannot relate to them.

On the other hand you call me selfish and unable to act kindly. This understandably puts me on the defensive. Likewise it reminds me of my capacity for cruelty and mentally, I begin to occupy that space. The kinder side siezes up and I see myself in terms of spite and revelling in misery. You can understand why I like Two-Face in that case.

Anyway, as to hurting others there's a contradiction here too. I want to be able to empower those I take. However, I also want to hurt them; to use them for my own enjoyment. I rationalise this as a sort of trade. However, I am also conscious that this is not an admirable way to behave. I can't admire myself when I do so; at least not with an eye to virtue. Thus I have to occupy another perspective to take delight in it. I'm driven to it and I enjoy it, and if they're already damaged - seemingly beyond my capacity to help them - I feel entitled to them. My little creatures. Even as I type it, part of my balks. Internal conflict defines me to a great extent.

Anyway, these are my reflections. I would like to discuss and dissect any flaws in my thinking.

(2/2)

>>38251005
As long as I can recall I was a "that kid."
When I got to prep school and even more in college I developed an elaborate uncomfortable persona that was like a movie adaption of me.
On the rare occasions I feel comfortable I tend towards increased social ostracization, but people seem to really like off-me. These people, as you might imagine, are not particularly interested in deep, low-condition friendship. I never got comfortable enough around women to even begin a romantic life, in part or whole because of the horrible 3-female, traveling father household I grew up in, but enough horribly awkward scenarios where girls were aggressive enough to force disaster that I never had the guts to talk to anyone about the sheer terror those situations put me in. Not that I had anyone to talk to about anything with. I was a smart kid, even excited about life until about mid-primary. I was rushed ahead in school, and I had an "eccentric" bipolar, overprotective, hoarder, eccentric mother; also, no friends. Take what you will. I've gone far from the point here. People don't like me, I can't imagine a place or group I would be comfortable in or among.
> and 1.5-handed perspective.
I have (practically) no memory before about 11, no lasting memory beyond flashes at any point, except from journals (which I've only kept as an adult) stories I've heard from others repeatedly, stories I told when I still had them in mind repeatedly, things that left physical or serious consequences and I was reminded of a lot, pictures I've seen. I have a "memory" but it doesn't feel like it belongs to me; a mindfuck in and of itself.

File: fagdog.jpg (36KB, 423x590px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 423x590px

>unqualified tripfag giving mental health advice to anonymous people he knows nothing about in public

what psychological issues have brought you to think this is a good idea?

>>38250928
Hm, alright. I'm not into the whole drugs thing, but I haven't ruled it out if shit gets real bad.

>>38250930
Thanks for the tests, I hope I can get through them all before I need to sleep. Should I post results for discussion?

>>38251171
On second thought, I don't think posting my results is a good idea. At least not all of them.

>>38250991
>As you might imagine, I dwelt on our interaction last night for some time

I imagined so and left you alone for that reason.

> spent some time thinking about how best to revenge myself; how to sabotage, how to attack. How to redress the perceived attack. How to take back control. I do feel as though I have lost standing, because ultimately your debating technique - calling out fallacies etc - was superior. I bristled at this, and attempted to press the attack. I was infuriated to see that my opening tactic didn't work since it tends to be a reliable one.

Meanwhile, I decided not to play the game and stand my ground without going any further than sticking to facts and truth as I understand both.

One thing you must absolutely understand and believe is that I will never "fight" you to defeat you. I only seek to undo maladaptive coping mechanisms, to show that they don't work, and that they're not needed. I'm not your enemy. (I find myself saying this to many people, Dan, in the past, X, you, and I've said this to LO many times as well.)

>I do feel as though I have lost standing

No, not really. On my end, I do feel like I'm fighting with beasts, but for their own good, but that means you will only respect me if I somehow win. The difference, in the duel, is that I know I will not hurt you once I "win", but I am aware this isn't true in reverse. This goes for X and you, and for LO before. It makes the fight very asymmetrical and dangerous for me, and I know I'm not trusted on my intentions, because you can't (plural you). It's OK, but only if I win, because otherwise I would get hurt.

cont.

>>38250991

Remember Manhunter? When Lecter talks with Will.

"You caught me. How do you suspect you managed to do that?"

"I had an unfair advantage."

"What would that be?"

"You're insane."

It's about the only time Lecter gets stumped, but it's true. It's the same for you. You're dealing with processes that work against you, and I do my best to undo them, but not to attack you. I'm posting this now so you don't think I'm ignoring you. I have lots to say on all this. (It turned out that I went beyond the cap already... I hate that it doesn't tell you before you reach the point of no return.)

>>38251302
>(It turned out that I went beyond the cap already... I hate that it doesn't tell you before you reach the point of no return.)

It is annoying, yes. I would have written a sentence or two more, but I suppose I'll include it here:

In addition to the last sentence or so, I pointed out that analysis would be the best means by which to identify weaknesses and iron them out. To fail to analyse would be to leave flaws unchecked and unguarded; fallibilities and vulnerabilities better shored up.

>>38250991
>However, even as I sought to retaliate I was in two minds: there was the Nick who was now my enemy and also the Nick I've known all along. I tend to think about things in terms of a pack mentality - alpha, beta, etc - and it was hugely frustrating to see my position weaken.

I understand. On my side, there's never an enemy version of myself, since I never want any harm for you, but I also know that the only way out is through confrontation sometimes, not between you and me, but between you and your beliefs. I have to be firm on certain things otherwise I wouldn't be of any help, but it will anger the people I want to help.

>The best answer that I could come up with was that I felt injured and so the best thing to do would be to attempt to return the injury.

Talionic thinking. I see it a lot in all the people I mentioned before. It's essentially about justice, though a very subjective take on it.

Also consider what my endgame would be, because it won't be what you instinctively imagine: winning, etc. My endgame is you getting better. And if it takes winning fights, I'll do so, but when you're down, I won't strike. I'll help you up. I'm the coach, not the enemy. It's an odd way of showing you you can trust me, and I wonder if it's more efficient. To win a fight and not finish it to show I'm not in it for power.

>You weren't addressing me, but you mentioned that people often responded with hostility when their views are challenged. I do believe that self-examination and interrogation of entrenched systems of belief is important; as such, with a cooler head, I ought to give that another go.

Yes. The model is very similar in all 4 cases I've had close experience with. On different levels. Dan always kind of knew I wasn't against him, although in the beginning he was raging mat and cut me off for almost a year. LO always knew I wasn't her enemy, she'd realise that after an episode. X, I doubt she can see me as anything other than an enemy for now.

>>38250991
>On that note, the beliefs themselves: as for feeding on psychic/ spiritual energy, I doubt that you will shake me on this. I do feel energised by the misery of others at times, and the incident you mentioned yesterday was intoxicating. As such, I can imagine that the same would be true only far more potent.

In this you are correct, but not the way you imagine. There's nothing physically or supernaturally moving from a body to the other, but there is clearly the effect of what you imagine. A dead body of someone you killed would undoubtedly make you feel the kind of power you crave. My point was that craving power like this was inherently a sign of weakness. You know who doesn't want to be rich? The rich, because they already are. You know who doesn't crave power? The mighty. The really mighty, not those endlessly seeking more because it's never enough. Those fight inner demons the wrong way and keep losing. Don't be like that is all I advise you here.

>>38251155
He didn't answer because he doesn't want to bring attention to the fact that he's useless and people are better off without him.

>>38251114
>. Even as I type it, part of my balks. Internal conflict defines me to a great extent.

That's good. It'd be more worrisome if there was no conflict, which is the case with many in this thread.

You sound like Anakin in many ways, but there's still good in you. You just have to keep working on it.

And yes, that Vader/Luke fight is how this works. I'm Luke, I don't actually want to kill you or join your empire. I want you out of the suit. To see things with your own eyes, even if it means a part of you will die. The rest will live again.

>>38251139

Abusive childhoods have effects on memory. One of my brothers can barely recall anything from his entire childhood.

You sound like a fine guy to me, I'd enjoy drinking a beer or two with you and listen to you.

We should explore the 3-female thing. Remember that it's all on your terms, you can choose not to talk of something whenever you want. I'm guiding the conversation but not forcing you.

>>38251155
>what psychological issues have brought you to think this is a good idea?

I am qualified, in fact. Results confirm everything. If you knew the slightest thing about therapy, you would know why this works, but you're not arguing this in earnest, you're just shitposting.

If you ever decide to get serious, I'll take you on.

In the meantime, I'll be curt.

>>38251171

Post away! I usually have my own results for a perspective.

>>38251582
Vader can't survive without the suit. He needs the armour to breath. Plus, without it he's a man with only two limbs. Not only that, he's incapable of using lightning because of his injuries. In the armour he's powerful. It makes up for what he's lost. It's either a symbol of the Empire, feared and respected, or a cripple.

>>38251641
I do wonder about memory: whether mine is so completely shot because of abuse, neurological malformation, epilepsy and the associated medication, facetry, genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's or alcohol. It's probably all of the above.

File: hang in there.png (50KB, 1169x323px) Image search: [Google]

50KB, 1169x323px

>>38251532

How long will you keep saying this while everyone who comes to the thread gets some benefits out of it?

Do you even read the threads?

Are you aware that it's perfectly transparent to me that you don't believe a word you say? I know you know the thread is efficient and works as intended. You're upset that you feel like it's not for you, but that's only because YOU aren't trying.

Just do this if you think you're not bullshitting both of us: ask them.

Ask the regulars what their opinion is.

>>38251693
>Vader can't survive without the suit.

His physical self, yes. If you recall, dying this way, as a good person, makes him immortal ever after.

>>38251749
Ultimately then, you're suggesting that I would have to make some kind of significant sacrifice; to let go of something in order to progress.

>>38251796

Yes, but don't see it as a sacrifice. See it was getting rid of stuff that blocks your way and weakens you. The suit kept Anakin from becoming a spirit being, free of pain and free of all the crap that anchored him down.

>>38251823
Nevertheless, it's unpalatable. You must have something in mind.

Man oh man how exactly have I found myself in the middle of a Star Wars debate. These threads never cease to surprise me.

>>38251851
>Nevertheless, it's unpalatable. You must have something in mind.

Do you mean you're unclear about my motivations?

It's simple: I know you'd be happier without some of your defense mechanisms. It's the problem of having too much armor. See it as RPG, you're equipped to fight dragons, when you have limited HP, the HP of a kid. So you have like 5 layers of armor, and diamond chainmail, and miryl and whatever.

Except now you have to dance with friends. You can't because the armor is too heavy.

Then you have to handle people being interested in you. You worry that they want to steal the diamond chainmail.

Then you have to talk a fun walk with others. It tires you because you weight 6 times your own weight.

The defenses, now, are hindering you, weakening you.

You're not fighting dragons anymore, and you're not a kid anymore. You have enough HP to handle potential blows on your own. HP regenerates on its own, it's a biological function, but armor doesn't, and each dent gets into you and stays.

Anyway, I was actually having a good day yesterday prior to that point. We were going to talk more about transience in employment and my reasons behind it.

>>38251869
I'm not a big Star Wars guy; I like the lore but the flicks didn't do much for me. It's a real shame they retconned the EU because that was pretty interesting. A lot of potential there for different stories, moral questions, inventive uses of the force and so on.

>>38251869
>the middle of a Star Wars debate.

You ain't seen nothing yet...

Han shot first. Come at me bro.

>>38251914
I'm unclear as to what it is you think I ought to sacrifice, and how. You mention defence mechanisms, but that's still quite broad.

>>38251919
No one except an absolute drone or a child would argue with you here.

>>38251916
Yeah same here. The movies just aren't too appealing. On the other hand the RPGs (the games). God damn I spent so much time playing the KOTORs. I actually remember playing them under Linux in wine for some goddamn reason.

There was always so much to explore, so many stories and environments. Good times.

>>38251919
I have absolutely no idea what that means.

>>38251937

Start small. First, you have to identify what is a defence mechanism, because, most of the time, it won't be obvious.

Suspecting people of plotting against you is one. The solution? Trust. You don't have to go crazy on that, you can do simple things. People walking in your back, for instance. If you've never been attacked in your back before, by strangers on the street, then you have no reason to suspect it may happen. Given that, relax.

It may not be possible at first, so what I suggest is to simply become conscious of these processes: analyse yourself, observe, notice, and nothing more. Just becoming aware of what's going on in your mind will make a difference. As often, making things conscious helps.

>>38251953

Glad we agree.

>>38251969
>I have absolutely no idea what that means.

In the original movie, Han shoots Greedo (I think his name is), an alien bounty hunter (although technically, everyone in SW is an alien to us). Greedo catches Han at a table, and threatens him at gunpoint. In a scene that's a triube to Western movies, Han sneakily takes out his gun from under the table and shoot Greedo. It's not a classy move, and it gives Han an edge. In later editions, Lucas fucked around with the scene to make Greedo shoot first so it'd look like Han was only practicing self-defence. I recommend checkin this out because it's hilarious: they made him digitally move his head to the side. A move that looks so fucking unnatural that it's just comedy gold.

And this is why you'll see T-shirt that reads, "Han shot first." It's a way to remind Lucas that SW used to have more balls.

>>38251969
>I have absolutely no idea what that means.
In the original films, there was a bit of a stand-off between Han Solo and Greedo, some alien in a bar. Anyway, Solo drew first and shot him before he could reach for his gun. This made him a bit more roguish and established his role as different from the squeaky clean Luke. Years later Lucas altered the scene and made it so that he drew second, thus robbing him of a major distinguishing character beat.

Han Shot First

https://youtu.be/VxUrjjwPdb4

Glad we cleared that out today.

>>38252024
>>38252027
That's actually pretty hilarious to think that George Lucas is so cucked.

Anyways the movies, I don't know. You always heard about all these jedis and siths and how they're almost all dead now. The whole time I couldn't think anything else but "Then why the fuck am I watching this? I wanna watch something where jedis and siths are both at the peak of their power, battling it out".

The movies just always felt like wasted potential to me. Especially the original trilogy, because the imperium was so one-dimensional. Whereas if you had fucking dozens of sith lords each with their own character, agenda, abilities it would have been so much more fun to me.

This is quite a controversial opinion (you can attribute this to my mental illness), but I always liked the sequel trilogy much more, because it showed you what's happening, not just the aftermath.

>>38252094
>The movies just always felt like wasted potential to me. Especially the original trilogy, because the imperium was so one-dimensional. Whereas if you had fucking dozens of sith lords each with their own character, agenda, abilities it would have been so much more fun to me.

The extended universe has all this and more.

Let me see if I can find those badass short films made for vidya.

It shows what SW could be, and it makes you fucking cry.

I dream of some more mature SW films. I literally dream of some dark sider with an abusive childhood.

As weird as it sounds, mental illness, in some cases, works exactly like the dark side. It feeds on weakness by giving superficial power.

Anakin is actually used as an example of Borderliner in universities. True story. He fits many of the symptoms. He was crucified for it back then, but had it been done in a more mature way, it would have been great.

>>38251655
>I am qualified, in fact
>Results confirm everything
>If you ever decide to get serious, I'll take you on
The size of your ego never ceases to amaze me

>>38252094
If you rewatch them you might find that they're actually appalling. The third was pretty fun though. Duel of the Fates was an amazing piece of music, and Maul and Grievous were both fun. Grievous really came into his own in the EU, and Maul took a funny turn. After he was cut in half in Episode One the powers that be decided that he wasn't dead and gave him mechanical spider legs.

Ep 3 had a fair bit to like; Anakin was most relatable there. His screaming his hatred as he burned, and injuring Padme both spoke to me.

>>38252145
>It shows what SW could be, and it makes you fucking cry.
Exactly this. Wasted potential that's what came to my mind whenever I watched the original star wars movies.

It became even more apparent after playing the games.

>>38251724
And just like that, your massive ego amazes me once again

>>38252168
>The size of your ego never ceases to amaze me

I challenge you to prove that statement. Saying I am qualified to do something I've done for years doesn't show "ego", just knowledge and confidence. Do you also assume that people who claim to give advice about fishing because they have fished for years are just ego-crazed idiots?

How old are you?

>>38252175
>the powers that be decided that he wasn't dead and gave him mechanical spider legs.

Which stands to reason. Sabers cauterise any wounds they make.

Ep. 3 was the one I liked most out of the three prequels. It had more depth.

>>38252175
Yeah I liked the third one too. I actually have a soft-spot for the second one too, but that's mostly because it came out when I was growing up. And also because it was so optimistic.

Wait I actually said it wrong. I liked 1 - 3 more than 4 - 6 (hence the blasphemy). I haven't seen the new ones yet.

>>38252220
>>38252168
As you see in my captured post I question his motives from time to time since I can't relate to the ones he presents, but it seems irrefutable to me that he does more harm than good. These threads are a lifeline to me and to others. I barely use this website at all anymore but for these threads. I'm not the only person who finds them very valuable. Nick has given me advice here and in private that has been of great help to me, and that is the rule rather than the exception.

>>38252220

You never address any point I make. Instead, you keep pointing out things that don't exist, but that you hope will exist simply because you point at it.

Facts are stubborn things. There's a reason why you can hardly muster more than a single sentence without a period at the end (which is how you betrayed yourself many times: I know you join in the thread, but would rather I don't know that you like being here).

Things to notice: challenged to ask others about their opinion, you yield, because you already know what their opinion is and that it goes directly counter to yours.

Ponder this: how do you think your attacks make them think of you, considering they know you're wrong? That's right, it doesn't make them think much of you, especially since you constantly avoid direct confrontation.

You don't take a name, you dodge all the points I make. It's like being in a ring with someone who talks shit but refuses to begin the fight.

I'm not here for a fight, but if you want one, have the balls to actually go for it.

As to my massive ego you should see my dick.

>>38252259
He fell down a seemingly bottomless pit. Also I don't think I've ever seen anyone say mechanical spider legs 'make sense' before, but they were cool in a silly edgy way. I've always wanted a bulky mechanical arm myself.

>>38252260
I'd forgotten that there were more recent ones. I forewent them entirely since I don't like JJ Abrams and his agenda-driven approach. He's a globalist hack.

>>38252229
>I challenge you to prove that statement
It's not possible to prove your ego amazes me, dummy.
Doing something for years doesn't mean you're qualified to do it. Get pulled over without a driver's license and tell the cop "don't worry, I'm qualified, I've been driving for years" and see what they do. I bet you five shiny quarters they don't let you drive away.
You're an obnoxious cunt and I hope you realize that eventually
>>38252292
I'm not saying he never gives good advice or that nobody thinks he's helping them, just that most of his advice is bad and a lot of people only come back because they want someone to care about them and tell them what they should do.

>>38252315
>He fell down a seemingly bottomless pit.

As Luke did in ESB.

>Also I don't think I've ever seen anyone say mechanical spider legs 'make sense' before, but they were cool in a silly edgy way

I only meant the cauterising effects of the saber. Spider les look ebil and all, I imagine.

>>38252354
>It's not possible to prove your ego amazes me, dummy.

No, but it's possible to show where you see such a massive ego. You won't because it wouldn't hold water, so, instead, you act like what I wanted you to prove was how my ego amazed you. It's not nearly as subtle as you think.

>Doing something for years doesn't mean you're qualified to do it.

Let's test that: if you fish, have fished for years, and get fish, aren't you qualified to fish? If you help people with psychological issues for years, people get better, and you know a whole lot about psychiatry and psychology, then wouldn't you say that person is qualified? Of of course you would. But let's be clear: I am fully aware that even if I showed you a psychology degree with my name on it, you'd then move the goalposts and start saying psychology is all memes.

>Get pulled over without a driver's license and tell the cop "don't worry, I'm qualified, I've been driving for years"

You couldn't point out any sort of mischief on my end. I don't present myself as an official therapist, so nobody assumes I am, and it's better that way, it offers more leverage.

>You're an obnoxious cunt and I hope you realize that eventually

If I were, we wouldn't be on thread 90 today, with dozens of regulars and people emailing me on a daily basis, now would we?

>just that most of his advice is bad

If that is so, and if you aren't a pussy, then list just 5 examples of bad advice from me. Out of 90 threads, most of which being bad advice, you will find 5 examples in no time. I can give you the archive if you need.

Don't forget not to pussy out this time.

>>38252354
>people only come back because they want someone to care about them and tell them what they should do.

You're not paying attention. Have you somehow missed the intense arguments we have in these threads? Now you're insult the people who come here, because you somehow think you're better. Who's the obnoxious cunt with a massive ego now?

Nobody takes my advice like your faggot ass takes dick, to be sure. Again, if you've read any threads, you know that.

You'll never actually debate psychology with me, because you don't know shit about it, yet imagine yourself somehow qualified to tell me my advice is bad. Isn't that hilarious?

People who have better advice give it and prove their point. You've never done it. You can't do it. You're a phony.

>>38252465
>Who's the obnoxious cunt with a massive ego now?
Still you, buddy. But go on, post another wall of text assuming what I think or do, or how the world works, they're getting quite amusing at this point

>>38252544

You really are a waste of time.

- you have no arguments
- you can't back up any of your accusations and claims
- you never offer advice to anyone despite claiming to know better advice than I do

What kind of asshole knows a better way to avoid suicidal ideation and doesn't share it?

You're just making shit up on the spot. You're running on empty and have nothing to say.

You're just sad.

>>38252544
I like how you didn't respond to anything he's said. Just went straight for the insult.

Also I'm going to get something to eat. Be back in an hour or so.

>>38252582
>You really are a waste of time.
Yes, and yet you keep spending several minutes of your own time writing out responses every time I post. It's quite funny

>claiming to know better advice than I do
Alright, my turn. I challenge you to find one occurrence of me saying this
>>38252587
Have fun, eat healthy.

>>38252675
>Yes, and yet you keep spending several minutes of your own time writing out responses every time I post. It's quite funny

Funny isn't the word. Unlike you, I have some honor code. I don't evade challenges and I expect any attacker to have some modicum of the same respect.

>>38252675
>Alright, my turn. I challenge you to find one occurrence of me saying this

You're in no position to ask anything of me, seeing as you dodged every single point I raised.

>>38252354
>just that most of his advice is bad

But here. For you to say that my advice is bad implies that there is better advice to give, and since you can tell that my advice is bad, it implies you know better advice, otherwise you wouldn't know what's good from bad.

If I tell Anon to do A and B, and you think it's bad advice, it can only be because you know of C and D, which are better. If you don't know any better advice, you can't know that A and B are bad advice.

Don't worry, I'm well aware you have no clue why my advice is "bad". That's why you're trying to act like you didn't really say you knew better. Your only option now is to try and convince yourself that saying someone is giving bad advice doesn't imply knowing better. It won't work, because it actually implies knowing better, or else you couldn't know it was bad advice.

>>38252811
>You're in no position to ask anything of me
And you are for me?

>implying I'm implying things

>If I tell Anon to do A and B, and you think it's bad advice, it can only be because you know of C and D, which are better. If you don't know any better advice, you can't know that A and B are bad advice.
Not true at all. If someone's having nightmares every night and you say doing cocaine and heroin before bed would help, I don't have to know any other way to fix it to know that's terrible advice. An extreme, but it shows my point

>>38249995
Anyone else have consistency issues with their self perception? I've already have a few mental problems, but the one tripping me up at the moment is the fact that no matter how hard I try, I don't recognise myself, and I perceive myself changing from a 2/10 to a 6/10 overnight, and I don't know how or why that even happens.

One minute I look in the mirror and legitimately want to kill myself over how ugly I am, the next minute I can look at a picture of me and say "hey I don't look that bad afterall, I'm just imagining things." But it never seems to go away, no matter how happy, confident, and good looking I feel, eventually I go back to "life is hell I want to blow my brains out and I look cartoonishly hideous, just end my suffering", and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry for the wall of text, I wanted to see if anyone can empathize or offer any advice.

>>38252950
Sorry, name if anyone wants it.

>>38252926
>And you are for me?

Yes, since I addressed every single one of your points while you ignored mine.

>Not true at all. If someone's having nightmares every night and you say doing cocaine and heroin before bed would help, I don't have to know any other way to fix it to know that's terrible advice.

So your argument here is that "not doing A" is better advice than "doing A". While technically correct, it's not very potent for an argument. The question here is how do you know that doing A is bad? An extreme example is easily explained, but if we take any of the examples that happen in these threads, I doubt you'll be able to use the "not doing bad advice is good" argument.

We don't need to make stuff up, you can just showcase an example of bad advice I give, and we can see whether it works for it.

(You never listed 5 examples of bad advice I give, likely because you can't.)

>>38252950
>I don't recognise myself, and I perceive myself changing from a 2/10 to a 6/10 overnight, and I don't know how or why that even happens.

Yes, that's a known symptom. It usually goes with Borderline and derealisation and such. If you suffer anxiety and weird states of consciousness, consider reading about both.

Consider body dysmorphia as well.

Focus on the fact that it's not about how you look, it's about something in your mind.

File: 1499169033808.png (310KB, 666x515px) Image search: [Google]

310KB, 666x515px

How do i find myself? I feel so empty and without any structure. I've tried doing tests, reading on psychology, doing meditations but nothing works.

>>38253060

Take a name and make a list of your symptoms/problems.

>>38252977
>likely because you can't
Or because I have no obligation to
Work's over, I'm out

>>38253108

You have no obligation to act with honor. You are the worst pansy I've ever met.

>>38253093
>Take a name and make a list of your symptoms/problems.
>no motivation in anything except self-searching
>extreme fear of anticipated stress and worrying when trying to find a job.
>fear of possible success
>fear of intimacy aka showing vulnerability
>moodiness in general
>timid and shy around strangers but more angry and controlling with close ones

Now that I'm back, could you address the issues I mentioned about work and moving around? I gather you're still into it but it's no longer interesting. It's run its course.

>>38253189

I'll imagine that your parents aren't people you'd love to spend a cool evening around a campfire with. Right?

>>38253201
>I gather you're still into it but it's no longer interesting. It's run its course.

What?

It's still interesting to me, if that's what you mean.

Back then, I said the key was why you wanted to change. So why do you want to change? Is it because some of your underlying self showed up and makes you uncomfortable? Is it because you don't like the job?

Is it because you get bored easily?

>>38253269
>I'll imagine that your parents aren't people you'd love to spend a cool evening around a campfire with. Right?
My parents can be tolerable but mom has somewhat of a victim complex and dad has mommy issues.

>>38253351
>somewhat of a victim complex and dad has mommy issues.

Let's crunch into these two things.

Does a normal person worry incessantly about what other people think of him?

It's just I look at my life and I see no reason why people would not think I am a pathetic wreck. Why does this bother me so much though? Shouldn't I be more bothered about the fact that I think I am a wreck?

im starting to lose my mind now. nothing seems to be consistent in me, every day it seems like i come up with a new issue. i catch up and start dealing with one thing and suddenly that feels trivial and something else gathers all my attention.

i just dont get what's going on.

>>38253371
>Let's crunch into these two things.
Mom takes everything personally even when i point out that maybe she didnt do enough parenting. On the other hand Father has trouble saying no to his mom (grandma) even if she's a toxic person (do things for others when no one asks and then complains how no one praised her for the job). I dont really think that it matters when it comes to me being an empty person

>>38253284
I was meaning the dispute with anonymoose wasn't interesting anymore.

I do get bored easily, that's true. However, my reasons were most recently that I felt that the boss was exploitative. If I move on from here it's because I could be paid far more elsewhere, plus it could be that I provide more help to those who need it more. A transition from the privileged to the underprivileged.

>>38253372
>Does a normal person worry incessantly about what other people think of him?

If by normal you mean healthy, then no. A lot of people do worry, but not constantly. Anything that is a problem in itself is not healthy.

You can't find your value in yourself, you need others' approval, and not getting it makes you feel like shit.

Let's take steps to make you a badass, shall we?

>>38253399
>one thing and suddenly that feels trivial and something else gathers all my attention

Details on that, plox.

>>38253496
>You can't find your value in yourself, you need others' approval, and not getting it makes you feel like shit.

I do think there is value in me. I can be fun to be around, and I play guitar pretty well. We talked about this the other day though, it's just that I am accident-prone and I think people think I'm little more than a child at times. How the fuck can I remind people that I'm actually an adult and they shouldn't condescend me when it's a part of my character that I fuck up a lot?

>Let's take steps to make you a badass, shall we?

Now how the hell would i do that. I got into a bad accident the other day so I can't go to the gym of at least a month.

How are you by the way Nick? Are you training to become a psychotherapist or a counsellor?

>>38253437
>Mom takes everything personally even when i point out that maybe she didnt do enough parenting.

Does she actually mean it or is it just a way to get pity and act like a victim?

>(grandma) even if she's a toxic person (do things for others when no one asks and then complains how no one praised her for the job)

My parents operate the same way. Consider narcissism. Read the link in the OP.

>I dont really think that it matters when it comes to me being an empty person

That's why you can't make sense of it for now. Connecting the dots is how you get the big picture. Patience, one step at a time.

>>38253451
>If I move on from here it's because I could be paid far more elsewhere, plus it could be that I provide more help to those who need it more. A transition from the privileged to the underprivileged.

These are all good reasons to change. Nothing to say about that.

>>38253571
>get pity
Definitely this one. My mom is pretty optimistic but i guess that she hides behind it because her biological mom left her when she was 2 years old. Her stepmom was a cold and pretty unemotional person therefore she might lacked emotional expression in my childhood.
>grandmother being narcissist
I agree. She needs a fix of attention.

>>38253512
like that article about abuse from a couple of days ago. i've spend a lot of time thinking about the way i relate to other people and the links to abuse. the trust issues, the hypervigilantism, the always assuming other people will harm me if i dont watch out.

i started to feel really good yesterday. started to make preparations for the future.
today i feel like people are shit who likes to do harm for no reason. and even if they dont mean harm someone will fuck your shit. there's no point in struggling since all hard work will become undone by an idiot who doesnt know better.

i feel like hiding, but i cant even imagine how a safe place would look like or even what im hiding from.

>>38253562
>How the fuck can I remind people that I'm actually an adult and they shouldn't condescend me when it's a part of my character that I fuck up a lot?

Give me a situation where this happened.

>Now how the hell would i do that.

I will teach you my ways, padawan.

>How are you by the way Nick? Are you training to become a psychotherapist or a counsellor?

I'll register this month. I need to see if I'm eligible for grants and such. After that, it'll be three years of studying every day for 3 hours and a half. That's kind of fucking scary. I intend to get up at 5 a.m. so I can get most of that studying out of the way early one, and the rest throughout the day.

>>38252992
Yeah that's true, I know I can't be hideous because I've never been called ugly and the only comments I get are about my nose being a bit weird/big, and my largish forehead, so maybe I'm just pessimistic.

If it helps, I do get weird states of consciousness, and my personality means that I often think very abstract or philosophical things instead of talking to people, and I deal with readily available alcohol/weed and a family history of addiction and depression.

>>38253651
>Definitely this one.

Then don't play along. Example:

"Maybe I wasn't a good parent, boohoo."

"Indeed, you were and are a pretty bad parent."

If the reaction is anger, it was definitely a game. You follow with:

"See, you got upset, because you don't actually believe a word you just said. I confirmed your alleged suspicion just to see if you'd get upset, and you did. You don't believe what you said, so stop trying emotional tricks on me, I don't like that at all."

>>38253662
>i feel like hiding, but i cant even imagine how a safe place would look like or even what im hiding from.

It will take time before you can feel safe. That's fine, don't worry about it. All these things take time. Your mind needs to reprogram a lot.

One thing that might help is to focus on good people. Watch documentaries on people who did a lot of good. Knowing such people exist will help.

You don't need to hide and you are safe.

Imagine a safe place in your mind. Choose what it is, how it looks, etc. Tell me about it as you create your safe space.

>>38253689
>Then don't play along
I just call her behavior out like "Mom, stop this victim complex".

>>38253668
>so maybe I'm just pessimistic.

I've done this before; you can always send me a picture and I'll tell you what I think. I'm very good at faces.

>If it helps, I do get weird states of consciousness, and my personality means that I often think very abstract or philosophical things instead of talking to people, and I deal with readily available alcohol/weed and a family history of addiction and depression.

Yes, it all fits. Looking for philosophical explanations to daily life is often the result of things that are missing, and you don't know how to get. Same with substance use.

>>38253740

That's good. But be sure to detail what she does because she may not be fully conscious of what she's doing. This is important. If you don't deconstruct it, she might just assume that you're being a cheeky lil' mate. And when you do that, use a neutral note, or even a nice tone. Any anger you use will serve to make you the bad guy and her the victim, so give her nothing.

I've done that with my own parents, and I could see them rage as I gave them nothing to be upset about. It was utterly weird.

>>38253667
>Give me a situation where this happened.

Well my latest accident for example. I had to steal a bike to cycle home and I got run over by some cunt. This is something a cartoon would do. People laugh because it is a funny story, but I don't want to be just a funny person, I want to be taken more seriously than that.

But it's just the whole idea of me, I'm so bizarre. My taste in music is fruity to say the least. Just imagine me as an idea of a person, a drunken reprobrate that unironically listens to country music: how can people ever take me seriously?

>>38253667
>I'll register this month. I need to see if I'm eligible for grants and such. After that, it'll be three years of studying every day for 3 hours and a half. That's kind of fucking scary. I intend to get up at 5 a.m. so I can get most of that studying out of the way early one, and the rest throughout the day.

Register? Registering to study Psychology at a university? Pretty cool, good on you. I wish I studied Psychology, I love reading Jung, as opposed to reading anything about what I study. I'm too right-wing for the course I study.

>>38253821
>I had to steal a bike to cycle home and I got run over by some cunt.

You stole a bike?

How did you get run over? Why do people find this funny, in your opinion?

>how can people ever take me seriously?

Well, my own experience of you right now doesn't suggest I can't take you seriously.

Liking country music isn't beyond my imagination, you know?

https://youtu.be/Tzzr7RbzUTs

Do you rike dis?

>Register? Registering to study Psychology at a university? Pretty cool, good on you.

Oh yiss! It's a special course for people with full time jobs, housewives, sports elite and artists (who go on tour or have to train all day). We meet once every 5 weeks on a Saturday, and the rest of the time we work how we want. Exams every semester.

>I wish I studied Psychology, I love reading Jung, as opposed to reading anything about what I study. I'm too right-wing for the course I study.

My homeboy!

What do you study?

Gender studies?

>>38253737
>Imagine a safe place in your mind
maybe hiding wasnt the the right choice of word from my part. i think it's more like a feeling of wanting to run away, of fleeing the world of pointless destruction.

i feel like no place is safe, since no matter where i go the destruction will continue on earth.

writing this i sorta think it's not my own safety im concerned about, it's more about everyone else. except the ones that bring ruin, be it intentional or unintentional.

>>38253913
>writing this i sorta think it's not my own safety im concerned about, it's more about everyone else. except the ones that bring ruin, be it intentional or unintentional.

Could it be you're trying to think it's not your own safety so it feels even safer?

Make sure it isn't really your own safety that worries you.

>>38253887
>You stole a bike?
>How did you get run over? Why do people find this funny, in your opinion?

Well obviously I don't tell everyone this. Just those I trust, a few select friends. I can't help but tell the story in a funny way. Ofc I was drunk at the time. Certain locks literally snap like twigs when you pull at them, it's not hard to steal one.

>>38253887
>Do you rike dis?

Nah, I like proper country son. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvgFpQxZQMk

I learnt this the other day, very fun to play.

That's another thing, I'm around people who are too closed minded to appreciate any of the things I enjoy. My mom unironically get's scared when I start talking about Jung or anything slightly in depth, Psychology-wise.

>>38253887
>What do you study?

I study History at a really left-leaning university. I once told them I voted leave (in Brexit) and they looked at me as if I had just denied the holocaust happened.

>>38253800
Yeah, i'm trying to do that but even if my mom made mistakes parenting me, serves no purpose in the end goal - to find the true self.

>>38253950
>Could it be you're trying to think it's not your own safety so it feels even safer?
it might be. it's not physical harm i feel worried about. it's more bullshit head ache-inducing stuff that cause emotional distress but above all makes your hard work useless.

>whoops i accidentally spent the money you needed for food this month.
>sorry i ruined your painting
>stolen car
>neighbors partying when trying to sleep

a sudden onset of lazyness to extreme possible causes of more work induce crippling anxiety.

>>38254010
>Ofc I was drunk at the time.

That was not obvious to me. Nor is the fact that drunkenness leads to stealing things. I've been drunk a bunch of times, I never stole anything.

If you're aware that you're telling the story in a funny way, why do you dislike that people laugh? When people realise that you're being funny, going along means laughing.

Listening to your song.

That seems difficult to play. I play the guitar, but that doesn't look easy at all.

>My mom unironically get's scared when I start talking about Jung or anything slightly in depth, Psychology-wise.

Why does that scare her, do you have any idea? A normal person would be fascinated to learn new things from their child. I know I would. Mentally ill people in denial fear psychology because it sees through their bullshit. My parents are like that.

In their latest attacks, my mother told others, on the phone that I:

>drank heavily since I was a teenager
>that I abused medication
>that I was a schizophrenic cunt
>and that I... saw therapists! THE HORRA!

Most of this crap is probably based on my stolen diary. She made up the therapist bit, because I never told them I was in therapy. Irony being: they made me see psychologists as a child, it wasn't my choice. Point being, going to therapy is something they list along alcoholism, mental illness, and substance abuse. It's fucking hilarious. And all along they wanted me to think going to shrinks was absolutely normal when I was kid, while truly believing otherwise, like the morons they were.

>>38254029
>Yeah, i'm trying to do that but even if my mom made mistakes parenting me, serves no purpose in the end goal - to find the true self.

You're wrong. How will you know what to fix if you don't know the harm that was done and how?

If you build a house wrong, and forgot to stabilise it, how will you make it more stable if you're not aware of the actual problem? It won't matter much to blame specific masons, but it will matter to know what they didn't do that they should have done.

>>38254106
>it's more bullshit head ache-inducing stuff that cause emotional distress but above all makes your hard work useless.

That sounds very specific. Has something like that happened to you before?

I guess the list is my answer.

Who spent your money?

Who ruined your painting?

Do you know who stole your car?

>>38254192
>That sounds very specific. Has something like that happened to you before?
actually no. the closest experience i can recall was some kid i didnt know joined me without asking permission once when i was making a sand castle. didnt build the way i wanted so i considered it ruined and ran home very upset.

nothing on that list have happened to me. and i dont see any real risk of that happening since im set economically and neither pain nor own a car. just that type of things do occur, and the fact that it happens somewhere bothers to the extent that i feel there's no meaning in doing something with my life.

>>38254323

OK, useful information.

I think the mere idea that those things occur at all is enough to get you worried about them.

You have an anxiety that doesn't take roots in your own experience. Maybe it's some kind of floating anxiety that gets stuck on whatever little worry you may know of, while hiding the true origin of it.

If you grew up anxious, it won't be any surprise that you still function the same way.

>>38254115
>That was not obvious to me. Nor is the fact that drunkenness leads to stealing things. I've been drunk a bunch of times, I never stole anything.

Needless to say, I'm not a fun drunk.

>If you're aware that you're telling the story in a funny way, why do you dislike that people laugh? When people realise that you're being funny, going along means laughing.

Probably because it reaffirms my belief that I am a joke.

>>38254115
>That seems difficult to play. I play the guitar, but that doesn't look easy at all.

I'm playing it more like this (you only need to listen to the first minute): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZilrCGjCIk

not as fast mind you.

>>38254115
>Why does that scare her, do you have any idea?

Denial is one word you could use to sum up my mother. She's got through her life telling herself that everything is fine constantly, making excuses for her faults and wrongdoings. it's quite sad really. I once asked her why she chooses to say nothing rather than talk to me honestly about why I came home looking like I had gotten into a fight whilst I was drunk. She flipped out at me. You might say she is a narc, but I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with her. She tells me to stop over-analysing things when I talk about Psychology, it's like she is worried I'm on the verge of finding out something awful about her.

>>38254115
>Point being, going to therapy is something they list along alcoholism, mental illness, and substance abuse. It's fucking hilarious.

That is odd. It's as if they are trying to say 'look we don't need therapy but he does haha'. Do you actually suffer from any of those things you mentioned though?

My mother just tries to offload parental responsibilities to psychologists, if that makes sense.

>>38254174
>You're wrong. How will you know what to fix if you don't know the harm that was done and how?
There's the thing - i have no way of knowing where the actual problem is.

>>38254368
>If you grew up anxious
this was sorta me. i never saw myself as an anxious person. i actually didnt experience much anxiety at all until the last few years.

however i was scared of just about everything as a kid. to the point that i avoided parts of stores cause i knew there was a scary picture in that area. as long as i wasnt directly exposed to what i was scared of i was fine.
the last 5 years or so that feeling has become more diluted, nowadays there's not so much specific things that scare me, more like a generally worry or anxiety that's more or less constant.

googling floating anxiety

>>38254405
>Probably because it reaffirms my belief that I am a joke.

Then why try to be funny?

>not as fast mind you.

Still impressive.

>She flipped out at me. You might say she is a narc, but I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with her. She tells me to stop over-analysing things when I talk about Psychology, it's like she is worried I'm on the verge of finding out something awful about her.

This is so... it. Maybe not a narc, but definitely someone who represses everything and hopes it goes away. It's crazy. The last bit is exactly it. I've had many people react that way.

It's fascinating. In a scary way.

>'look we don't need therapy but he does haha'.

Oh yeah, that's exactly what they believe. In the same breath, they'll say therapy is for fucked up people but that I ought to see someone, not realising how fucked up they are. I sometimes toy with the idea of meeting them again just to let them know how fucked up they are, which wouldn't be hard: it's in everything they say. I wouldn't go as a son now. It'd be brutal. It'd be the hardest talk they ever had. No trick would work on me.

>Do you actually suffer from any of those things you mentioned though?

No. As a teen, I had a bottle of vodka hidden in a punching ball, and I got drunk a few times but made myself sick to the point where I couldn't drink vodka for over ten years. I did take some sleeping pills to get fucked, but that was like a few times, maybe 5 in total. I probably wrote about it in my diary, the one they violated, but I'm not med junkie (they are, though, a bathroom full of meds, it's utterly insane).

>>38254474

Don't make too much of floating anxiety.

It sounds like you lived in fear, more than you realise now. Were you scared of your parents?

>>38254556
>Were you scared of your parents?
never. as a kid being alone with my family was when i felt safe.
when i say with, i mean as with them around. as i've said earlier we didnt actually to much together even though we stuck together a lot.

oh, and also i cant think of a reason as to why i was actually scared of so many things. most of the stuff wasnt dangerous. but i suppose thats normal that kids are scared of stuff. i was scared of all the stuff kids can be scared of.

>>38254665

Did your parents teach you a lot about the dangers of the world?

>>38254699
not that i recall. growing up in the 90s in sweden the idea that the world is dangerous for kids wasnt really around yet.
there were men in their 40s placing ads in newspapers offering to watch your kids at night if you had to work.

i remember there was this ferry that sank in the east sea, estonia. i instantly thought that some of our friends was on it and i remember being confused as to why my parents wasnt distressed. i actually had a hard time believing them when they said our friends wasnt on it, didnt fully accept it untill i saw them.
i was 5.

>>38254783
>there were men in their 40s placing ads in newspapers offering to watch your kids at night if you had to work.

That's terrifying. I get the point, though.

I get the sense that there was a lot of fear, but not in such a way as to be obvious.

>>38254424
>ignored
well fuck it, i'm done.

>>38254424
>There's the thing - i have no way of knowing where the actual problem is.

That's what we'll find out little by little, don't worry about it for now.

>>38254830

I missed your post. It happens frequently, and not just to myself. Sorry!

>>38254864
>That's what we'll find out little by little, don't worry about it for now.
The thing is that i dont have much time in general sense - 24 khv NEET and parents are gently pushing about me doing something but i cant do it because of fear and lack of motivation in general. I cant do things if i'm forced to.

>>38254903

Then ask them not to tell you what to do, it's annoying.

>>38254803
i think most of the dudes were actually just babysitters.

there was a lot of fear. but mostly of the outside world and the stuff that was going on out there.
granted i have never been afraid of going somewhere as long as my family was with me. i was more afraid of doing stuff, and still is to some extent.
sorta like i dont dare to be part of society? there's so much going on it's just safer to be part of your own little bubble. maybe that's also the cause of the anxiety i got now since i've been trying to break that bubble in order to improve my empathy.

>>38254927
>Then ask them not to tell you what to do, it's annoying
Well, i'm living with my parents therefore nothing much i can do.

>>38254970

Do you think it's possible that your parents made a safety bubble around you while accidentally making you scared of everything beyond that bubble?

>>38254977
>Well, i'm living with my parents therefore nothing much i can do.

You can explain that this behaviour doesn't help you, and if they want to help, they have to take into account what you say and how you function.

>>38255007
>You can explain that this behaviour doesn't help you, and if they want to help, they have to take into account what you say and how you function.
I can but in the end i'm the one who leeches.

>>38255023
>I can but in the end i'm the one who leeches.

They chose to make you exist. Leeches don't work like that. You're their child, not a leech.

Do they make you feel like one?

>>38255000
nice dubs into trips

it's hard to tell. i remember that when something tough happened i just waited it out until one of my parent could solve it. like if some other kid played to rough i just mentally curled up until someone else told him off.

i also remember feeling like my friends parents were very hard on them. much less gentle than my parents were. though i only remember the feeling, no examples.

im having a hard time seeing how one goes about in creating a safety bubble. so i really cant decide if that's what they did.

>>38255052
>Do they make you feel like one?
Actually, yes especially my mom. I mean my younger brother is pretty "normal" - has a gf, job and living place. It's not like she's comparing us but i see that i'm the one who's not living normally. They pressure me into finding a job because as i've said i have massive fear of anticipated stress and worry, therefore i avoid searching it with 100% dedication. I search the job but in half-assed way.

>>38255103
>nice dubs into trips

Kek fucking loves me and this thread. It's unreal.

Your family setting sounds particular, but I can't pinpoint much for now.

Can you remember how you learned to ride bikes?

>>38255115

I've been in that situation. From what I know now, my parents weren't helping at all, they only made things worse. If I had to look for work now, it'd be so fucking easier and it wouldn't be tainted negatively every fucking day.

Focus on this: they made you. You are never a leech, and no parent should feel like their own child could be a leech. Would you, about your own son? I wouldn't.

>>38255173
>Son
I hope i'll never have a family. I dont want my genes to taint another person ever.

File: 1395533446223.png (1MB, 1719x1900px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1719x1900px

Hey OP, I got one for you.

Since I was young I've been uncontrollably picking scabs and scars off my scalp. My hair is bloody, I'm losing hair, it hurts to wash and comb (getting shampoo in my open wounds burns). I do it damn near constantly, even though I've tried to stop.

Lately I've been doing it so much that my fingers are in incredible amounts of pain. It hurts to flex them, move them, type, etc. I've even thought of trying to go to a doctor

>>38254537
>Then why try to be funny?

I have no idea. Better to make light of the situation I supposed, if I told people stone-faced I think it would be creepy.

>>38254537
>It's fascinating. In a scary way.

It's cognitive dissonance essentially. I subtly pointed out an error in the way my mother behaves. Imagine being told that this way you have been living your entire life, of constant repression, was wrong? Self-accountability is a hard pill for people to swallow, and the later you leave it the more costly that notion becomes for you.

My mother's reaction creeped me out a lot.

>>38254537
>I sometimes toy with the idea of meeting them again just to let them know how fucked up they are, which wouldn't be hard: it's in everything they say. I wouldn't go as a son now. It'd be brutal. It'd be the hardest talk they ever had. No trick would work on me.

I know it's tempting to do that but I did this in a gentle way with my mother and it made her flip out (what we've been talking about). She was on the verge of tears. It is not pleasant and it just made me feel like shit.

>>38254537
>I probably wrote about it in my diary, the one they violated, but I'm not med junkie (they are, though, a bathroom full of meds, it's utterly insane).

This is why I don't want to keep a diary. I have been writing about my dreams hoping to do dream analysis but it is so hard, you really need a third party to do that, or at least I do, I'm too affected by my neuroses.

>>38255191

It's not all about genetics. The issues in your family are passed on psychologically, not genetically. Don't be Henry.

https://youtu.be/6cCKoFqsN9A

>>38255253
>The issues in your family are passed on psychologically, not genetically
Even then i have no idea what to do. I'm obsessed with self-improvement but i dont self-improve at all.

>>38255131
i dont remember who had the initiative. but i was very excited that i was gonna get a bike. i've later been told by my mom that i was too young to learn how to ride without training wheels when we started, but i dont know how old i was.

at first i learned how to roll down hills, and i could peddle pretty good on flat ground once i got the speed up. then for whatever reason i "forgot" how to ride them. i think i actually went back with training wheels. after that i was hesitant to learn again. i knew i could ride without them, i was confident i had the skills to just get up and go. but i didnt want to lose the wheels anyway.

one evening it was decided that i was gonna learn to ride without them. so my dad took them off and we went out to a secluded path. i didnt want to try so i just walked with the bike for a long time. finally my dad started teasing me, he ran ahead saying how i couldnt catch him. in a playful manner.
this quickly bothered me enough that i jumped on my bike and went after him.
and just as i thought i actually knew how to ride it, wasnt any problem at all.

>>38255220

There's a name for it...

Do you pull out your hair at all? Where do the scabs come from?

File: LqPeKbZ.jpg (86KB, 576x1024px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 576x1024px

>>38255310
I don't tug on my hair, but it does end up falling out because I keep scratching at my scalp so aggressively.

The scabs come from me picking at my head so much. They never heal.

It used to be a nervous habit. I'd get really anxious and nervous and do it constantly. Now I'm much better adjusted, but I still do it absent-mindedly.

I've seen many therapists and psychologists over the years (what robot hasn't?) But I've never discussed this. Should I go back?

>>38255241
>I know it's tempting to do that but I did this in a gentle way with my mother and it made her flip out (what we've been talking about). She was on the verge of tears. It is not pleasant and it just made me feel like shit.

It helps that I could murder my parents with my bare hands. I no longer give a fuck how they feel, because I see the truth.

>>38255274

Maybe this idea is itself a problem.

Tell me about it.

>>38255253
Yeah. Case in point. I've already mentioned it before, but my grandfather used to beat my father a lot. And I don't mean just as a kid, it was until he was about 18 and could fight him off. And when I say beat I don't mean just fists, I'm talking hoe handles, 3-4' long hose sections, some bricks and various farmer tools. He actually had to to the hospital quite a few times (my father) due to these beatings.

Point is my father never beat me this way, even though he still has the same temper (so do I actually), he never did anything like this. So don't get too hung up on genes.

>>38255381
>Tell me about it.
Like i've said i'm constantly doing personality tests, reading on psychology (mainly Jung but also others) trying meditation but nothing happens. Even my dreams are like kid ones - hanging out with friends and doing some physical stuff there is no mysticism, visions or supernatural thing.

>>38255292
>i've later been told by my mom that i was too young to learn how to ride without training wheels when we started, but i dont know how old i was.

Sounds like bs.

> then for whatever reason i "forgot" how to ride them

Odd, since nobody forgets how to ride a bike. It's one of those things.

>and just as i thought i actually knew how to ride it, wasnt any problem at all

MMmmmm... Sounds like your father knew what would work on you here.

>>38255347
>(what robot hasn't?)

Tons.

Off the bat, yes, go back.

But let's continue this in the meantime. I'm free, after all.

When did you start picking?

>>38255406

There's generational progress. Your grandfather sounds like a right prick. He probably got the same from his own father. I can't stand those pussies, if I am to be honest.

>>38255421

What ways would you like to improve?

>>38255522

CHECK DEM DIGITS.

Kek be praised.

>>38255480
>Odd, since nobody forgets how to ride a bike. It's one of those things.
it might have been my confidence that went away. it's possible that i stopped because winter came and didnt dare to get back to it in spring.

>Sounds like your father knew what would work on you here.
yepp, and that's rather surprising considering how he is now. far from a social genius able to manipulate his way to getting shit done.

i think that if there's a lesson to be learned from this story it's that i didnt want to be able to ride a bike.
i also didnt want to be able to wipe my own ass. but just like riding a bike, when push came to shove i knew how to do it.

>>38255531
>What ways would you like to improve?
I'd like to find my The Self (how it's described in Jungian Psychology) because maybe then i'd be reborn and ready for this life.

>>38255567

Do you think you'd rather be submissive and not in charge?

Let's talk relationships. Have you been in any?

File: 1404081223761.jpg (2MB, 3538x3424px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 3538x3424px

>>38255501
Will do. I want to stop.

I want to say I started in high school, but I remember being much younger and purposefully putting sand in my hair so I could spend hours getting it out.

I have been diagnosed with:
>ADHD-PI
>OCD
>Schizoaffective disorder

Despite this I live on my own and have a pretty regular life. I've been through a lot of therapy, and on a lot of medication. I'm now off every medicine except my ADHD medicine

Normally I wouldn't make such a big deal out of this because everyone does weird stuff, but I want to stop. There is shooting pain in my fingers whenever I try to move them or do anything with them.

>>38255584

I'm going to ask you to be way more precise. And also describe the steps you intend to take to achieve your goals.

>>38255522
I don't know. From what I've heard, my great-great father was a cool guy. Said to be very strong physically (a blacksmith) and a very strong drinker. He might have beaten up my grandfather too.

Point is, my father said that he will never forgive him for being beaten up. Not even on his death bed. So what I mentioned was probably just a tip of the iceberg.

Anyways yeah. Genes aren't that decisive. You can always choose not to be a fuckface.

>>38255602

What came off of therapy?

>>38255603
>goals
So far my goal is self-discovery, i have other goals or dreams. I'm reading all that stuff because i hope that will spark an inspiration into me.

>>38255652

How do you intend to achieve self-discovery?

File: 1466100642635.jpg (502KB, 1000x1200px) Image search: [Google]

502KB, 1000x1200px

>>38255637
A lot of good stuff, actually. Helped me gain new insights into myself, helped me become more comfortable with myself, work through some pain and grief. Therapy was good, and I'm in a good place. I feel like if I went back I'd only really have this to talk about

I do remember that whenever I'd start with a new therapist I'd be a anxious wreck, and picking at my head was one of my nervous behaviors.

We never talked about my scalp picking, but rather, why I was so nervous.

>>38255661
>How do you intend to achieve self-discovery?
By reading.

>>38255692

What are things that make you want to pick?

>>38255590
>Do you think you'd rather be submissive and not in charge?
i very much like to have stuff done in my way. but im too scared of not doing good that i'd rather be submissive.

I've had one LDR and one real relationship. my first gf, the LDR one, was mainly for company and for not feeling like as much as a loser.

there was some real love between me and my second gf. but in the end i used her much for company and confirmation as well.

anything more specific you want to know about my relationships? im not sure where to go with it spontaneously.

>>38255737

OK, suppose you find your Jungian self, then what?

>>38255747

Describe the ideal woman for you.

>>38255754
>OK, suppose you find your Jungian self, then what?
Then i'll have a motivation to live life because i'll be comfortable and honest with myself and i'll know my true interests.

File: (spoons rattling).jpg (46KB, 540x303px) Image search: [Google]

46KB, 540x303px

>>38255746
Anxiety or nerves still do it. But even when I'm perfectly comfortable, I find my fingers running through my scalp. It is VERY satisfying to pick things off my scalp, and I don't know why.

>>38255815

What makes you so sure you'll be motivated? What will be different?

>>38255843

I can relate, to a point. I love picking stuff, burnt skin, scalp scabs, etc.

What happens when you try not to do it?

>>38255897
When I try to stop, it's fine. Then a few minutes later I'll find my hands slowly moving their way up to my scalp, and if I'm not aware I'll start doing it again. I then try to stop myself again. It's a terrible cycle.

I swear the only time I'm not doing it is when I sleep.

In a way, the pain in my fingers is kind of a blessing. I now have a good incentive to stop myself...but I just keep going despite how much it hurts. At the end of the night I just sit there in pain because I've been doing it all day and I can't move my fingers. I need to be able to type for work...

>>38255771
sometimes it's someone with similar problems and lack of experience as me. so i can be the "better" one and also so we can be on a similar low level and have a safe situation to grow on. and also dont have to make massive improvements but rather live in a fairly poor state of mind together without pressure to change.

other times i want someone who's loving life and full of energy that's patient and loving and whos helping me grow and feel better about myself.
one that's driven in going on adventures and doing fun stuff.


i'd also like her to be short with a juicy butt and thighs and with small boobs.

>>38255970

Have you tried wearing caps or hats or ridiculous things at home like a swimming cap? You'd remove the automatic temptation with these, because it'd add steps to getting to the deed.

>>38255972

So it varies. When you feel better, which version do you prefer?

>>38256043
A few times, yeah. I find myself pulling them off to do it. I have cut my nails very short and filed them down to be very blunt as well. Just put a hat on right now, and I'll see how it goes. See if I can resist taking it off.

Sometimes I think that the only thing that will help is a pair of gloves or mittens haha. Thank you for trying to help. It helps to talk about this stuff

>>38256065
i think it varies with my energy levels more than my mood. but i actually not sure if good mood equals higher energy levels. it would make sense but i honestly dont know.

more energy then i want the second girl. when i have less energy i dont think i could stand her.

>>38256089
>Sometimes I think that the only thing that will help is a pair of gloves or mittens haha.

Anything that helps should be considered. Consider building yourself a square plank, plastic, with a hole for your head, like a dog collar. When that shit is one, you can't pick.

I'm glad talking helps. That's how it works.

The counterpart of it is that now my scalp is itchy as fuck and I want ravage it.
Fucking hell!

>>38256143

Yeah, I imagined so.

Why did you choose the name York?

>>38256166
I'll for sure schedule an appointment with a therapist. this has got to stop. I'm doing damage to my scalp, my hairline and my fingers.

I just don't want to go back on meds. I've been on SSRI's (horrible experience), antipsychotics (good experiences) and something called Clomipramine (I don't know what class it belongs to).

Can this behavior be stopped without medication?

>>38255878
>What makes you so sure you'll be motivated? What will be different?
It has to be, that's the only option which can turn my world for the better. If i wont have to fight myself anymore i'll have more energy for other things.

>>38256184
>Why did you choose the name York?
it's part of a different username i use a lot in games and such. i changed it up to avoid identification. neither name has any real meaning or value other than that i've used it for a long time.

>Yeah, I imagined so.
part of how i've been since i started trying to sort out my life. i can be totally hooked on something for a few weeks or months and then find it completely uninteresting all of a sudden.
hooked to the point that i start looking for tattoos related to whatever it is. only reason i dont have any is that i know my interest will be gone shortly.

>>38256273

I would love to know how this goes. I'm no expert on that type of behaviour, but I wouldn't be surprised it's not necessarily a psychological thing, as in, it may not have to do with your past.

It could be that you get massive rewards for doing it, mentally.

I don't actually know the type of therapy they suggest for that. We can dig that up.

File: 1398745537035.jpg (38KB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 500x375px

>>38256325
Absolutely, m8. It is entirely possible that it's rewarding for me. I sometimes want to put sand in my hair just so I can feel myself doing it.

Just curious, are you a registered psychologist/therapist?

>>38256318
>It has to be, that's the only option which can turn my world for the better.

I must warn you that this is some Holy Grail right here. I've had ideas like that: if only I had X, then I could finally start living.

It won't work. Your goal is so abstract that you may spend 30 years on it and still not see the end of it. And if it's a less abstract goal, it may not deliver what you had hoped to find.

Be very, very wary of ideas like that. Be it a girlfriend, your dream career, etc, if there's something missing in you, you have to find the exact piece that's gone, because nothing else will replace it.

>>38256320

Any interests that stuck?

>>38256365
>Just curious, are you a registered psychologist/therapist?

Nope. I start studying for a degree next month.

>>38256365

https://www.bfrb.org/learn-about-bfrbs/treatment/self-help/104-50-ways-to-stop-pulling-your-hair

Read this, you never know, there might be some good ideas.

>>38256514
Ah, okay. Well, good luck man! I have a lot of respect for people in your field.

>>38256531
Thanks!

>>38256563

Thank you! Be sure to keep coming, I want to know what happens next!

>>38256371
>Your goal is so abstract that you may spend 30 years on it and still not see the end of it.
My mom says the same.
>if there's something missing in you, you have to find the exact piece that's gone, because nothing else will replace it.
Yes i know because i've always had a feeling that i'm missing something but i cannot describe it nor where to find it.

>>38256504
i really.. i intend to get back to yoga when classes start again after the summer. mostly because it's something that feels worth doing.
i also go for long walks still, but mainly because i dont like to sit inside all day.
the things i do are stuff i do because not doing them is boring, and doing them is only neutral.

i will be gone for a while now, gotta find some dinner.

>>38256606

The way I see it, your quest is a form of defense mechanism, which protects you from seeking true self-improvements in simpler, more accessible ways, maybe because you're scared to change.

Refusing to take small steps until you're read to run a marathon, basically.

Let's imagine you've reached your goal and everything. What do you want from life at that point?

>>38256646
>which protects you from seeking true self-improvements in simpler, more accessible ways
How? Finding a brain dead job makes you find yourself?
>What do you want from life at that point?
having motivation and knowing what i want from life

>>38256723
>How? Finding a brain dead job makes you find yourself?

I didn't mention anything about a job.

>having motivation and knowing what i want from life

I would suggest fighting depression, as that seems to be the real problem right now. Depression is what takes your motivation and sense of life being worth living.

>>38256787
>I didn't mention anything about a job.
Sorry, my mind slipped.
>I would suggest fighting depression, as that seems to be the real problem right now.
I cant visit a therapist - too poor for that.

>>38256818
>I cant visit a therapist - too poor for that.

That's fine.

Can you spot when you started feeling unmotivated?

>>38256827
>Can you spot when you started feeling unmotivated?
Dunno the exact moment but i've stopped being top student when i started the university. I expected meeting more people with similar character (introverted and thoughtful) but it was the same as high-school - people in their groups or people hanging out with people from the same city. Besides i was quite bad at socializing.

>>38256723
>How? Finding a brain dead job makes you find yourself?
this might not mean much coming from me if you've read the conversation i've been having with Nick.
but yes, finding a brain dead job is an excellent start. you will learn a whole lot about life just by getting out and doing something. if you dont know what life is then surely there's no way of knowing how you want to live it.
granted you'll probably hate it at first, but the point of a first job is not to love every minute. it's to start maturing and making money. it's also no supposed to be for the rest of your life.

it's also way more forgiving if you're worried about stress and commitment (like i was). imagine flipping burgers for a few weeks. at worst you'll mess up someones order, give them ketchup when they asked you not to. then you can leave when something else come up.

if you were to get a not brain-dead job. say a surgeon. if you fuck up you'll actually kill someone. or damage them for life. and also if it turns out being a surgeon sucks (as i imagine it would be) that's some 11 years of training you've got through all for nothing. im sure you'd wish you'd spent a couple of months flipping burgers, delivering mail and moving boxes to realized that you'd rather be a marine biologist.


going for dinner for real now.

>>38256967
>Besides i was quite bad at socializing.

Tell me about that, with concrete examples and details.

>>38257021
>Tell me about that, with concrete examples and details.
It's hard to describe but i remember a few instances. I quit folk dance group when i was 7 or 8 because i got really self embarrassed because i had to dance with a girl when i had eye drop which makes you see shit (i used to wear glasses). When i was in second or third class i outright refused to dance with any girl and ended up dancing by myself (later i danced normally). In HS i told some girl that i had suicidal thoughts and later i been getting these weird looks.

>>38257177

That sounds strange, the way you present these things.

It sounds very disconnected. Who's the girl you told about suicidal thoughts?

Why did you tell her? What was her reaction?

>>38257208
>Who's the girl you told about suicidal thoughts?
Classmate
>Why did you tell her?
I thought i could trust her (hunch)
>What was her reaction?
I dont remember exact words but standard stuff like "Cheer up" or "Everything is going to be alright"

>>38257363

What did you expect her to do after you told her?

>>38257432
>What did you expect her to do after you told her?
I guess i needed attention.

>>38257446

Did you two go on dates before? Any kind of dates.

>>38257480
>Did you two go on dates before? Any kind of dates.
No. I never had a date with someone.

>>38257543

Would it be safe to say that you two weren't close enough for her to sustain the kind of weight that your words had?

Was she a friend, were you two friends? Did you see each other outside of school?

>>38257568
>Would it be safe to say that you two weren't close enough for her to sustain the kind of weight that your words had?
Yes
>Was she a friend, were you two friends?
Not really, she sat behind me and we talked on rare occasion.
>Did you see each other outside of school?
Never.

>>38257596

New exercise, just came up with it: you are now someone else and you have to describe yourself. Meaning, describe yourself as if you were seeing yourself from the point of view of someone else.

Take that girl for instance, now you're her and you have to describe "He". (A better name would be cool, maybe we'll find one along the convo.)

>>38249995
>>38236073
>>38236407
still havent done that second thing but i dont think i'll hear anything, what do u think

>>38257647

I don't have a clue. Try it out! Only way to find out.

I think I found Robot: the movie.

Holy shit I can't stop kekking all over the place.

>>38257636
>Take that girl for instance, now you're her and you have to describe "He"
They guy who never greets anyone, rarely spends his free time reading books and is constantly depressed suddenly adds to skype and proceeds to vent his feelings.

>>38257737

Hardcore.

Are you scared of humans?

I'm trying to accept myself without opting out and killing myself before getting to that point.
I've been reliant on people my entire adult life and have relied on other to make myself happy. People keep on dying around me and I don't want to deal with lost of a person i love thru death or break up.
I have a crush and we like each other but I keep on relying on him to make me happy. I know he won't stay if I keep on acting like this. I just want to be confident and happy with myself. I hate detesting me. :--(
I have no one IRL to talk to when I feel suicidal or have a major anxiety attack. @ anyone: I could support you if you could support me. We can kind of check in on each other, or something.

>>38256504
im back

>>38256991
not really*
i should also add that in the past i used to stick to doing the same stuff for really long. i even played out the same scenarios with my legos over and over. needless to say back then interests really did stick.
this changed when i started trying to feel better and sorta do stuff i liked because i actually like doing them.

>>38257789
>Are you scared of humans?
Yes. I put them at distance.

>>38257835
>I could support you if you could support me
welcome to the thread, seems like you'll fit right in.
or is it some other kind of support you feel you need?

>>38257835
>A-b63-2-44-LP

Are you an android from Star Wars?

How do people die around you?

>I know he won't stay if I keep on acting like this.

Can you give me examples of "acting like this"?

As to support, you can always write me whenever you need to. I always read my e-mails and respond as soon as possible.

You can also come to the thread on a daily basis.

>>38257846

Can you locate the origin of that fear?

>>38257905
>Can you locate the origin of that fear?
Maybe this has to do with Mother abandoning me. When Mom left me for a 3 hours, i burned my hand by touching oven glass (11 months old).

>>38257954

3 hours alone when you were 11 months old? Could you even walk?

Did this happen often?

Do you have a scar?

Do you even remember the event?

Today I've experimented with myself for a while like a guinea pig.

While smoking in my car I've kept cigarette smoke in my lungs for long enough that I've passed out due to carbon monoxide in my blood stream.
I woke up about half an hour later.

It's easy and painless.

I'm trying to figure out a way to deploy this tactic to kill myself painlessly.

Im a fucking genius, no?

>>38257974
>3 hours alone when you were 11 months old? Could you even walk?
I mean my father was with me but i ran out to the kitchen.
>Did this happen often?
No it didnt.
>Do you have a scar?
Yeah, a big one across the palm
>Do you even remember the event?
Nothing from that event.

>>38257995
>Im a fucking genius, no?

More like you're severely depressed and need to check into some institution so you don't die.

Have you seen a doctor about your fainting?

>>38258040
>I mean my father was with me but i ran out to the kitchen.

So you weren't alone.

We have a name, at last.

>Handscar

Pretty badass if you ask me.

Tell me more about your parents.

>>38257995
That's just another way of filling your car with gas tubed from the exhaust

Suicide is gay man

>>38258114
>Handscar
Huh, interesting.
>Tell me more about your parents.
I've said about my mom using victim complex and father having mommy issues when it comes saying no to her. Besides that my mom is pretty optimistic and my father is emotionally distant.

>>38257995
the way you've developed recently is really concerning. yet i wish for you to find peace in one way or another.

how did that breath hold work? i didnt think it would be possible since there's only so much CO you can get with one breath.

>>38258201

Oh yeah, sorry about that. Very difficult to keep up with so many faceless people at the same time for over so many hours. I falter a lot.

What are your immediate goals in life?

>>38258275
>What are your immediate goals in life?
Find my own living place and get a job (even if i dont want it).

>>38258320

Good goal. A full time job is the one thing that got me out of the mess I was in mentally. It was good to meet lots of normal people. It helped so much.

>>38258438
>It was good to meet lots of normal people
Maybe but to me it's too much faking.

>>38258467

Then stop faking. Most people don't fake, you don't have to either.

>>38249995
>>38257839
hey Nick, did you miss the post or are we done with the session?

>>38258484
>Then stop faking
Being depressed, cynical and negative and a shy person?

File: 17328.jpg (19KB, 500x351px) Image search: [Google]

19KB, 500x351px

>>38258095
Do i need to?
I mean, the goal here is to kill myself you fully realize that right?

>>38258120
I've decided a long time ago that I won't listen to anybody, it's muh body muh choice.

>>38258210
Multiple cig pulls with long holds, once your vision gets blurred and your head spinning you'll know you're doing it right.

And you don't need to be concerned about me, I'll leave silently soon;
Don't cry for me, im already dead.

>>38258545
do you feel the normal CO2 build up while holding your breath? can you estimate how long of a hold it took before you passed out?

>>38257839
>. i even played out the same scenarios with my legos over and over.

Tell me about those stories.

>>38258527
>Being depressed, cynical and negative and a shy person?

I doubt you're that good of an actor to begin with. Pretty sure everyone knows you're depressed and the rest. Try to enjoy whatever company you can have. It won't work with everyone, but most people are cool.

>>38258586
If i have to estimate it took about 5-7 seconds each hold and I were halfway through the ciggy when it got to the point where i had to sit down not to fall on my ass.

>>38258616
>Pretty sure everyone knows you're depressed and the rest
That's why people are avoiding me, no one wants to be around depressed people. I have a hot and cold behavior with people tho.

>>38258545
>I mean, the goal here is to kill myself you fully realize that right?

Yes, and do you know why? The entire purpose of depression is to make you kill yourself. We got that through evolution, the intention is to save food for everyone else. Do you really want to yield to it and kill yourself because your brain makes you want to? Resist, you will get better.

What you're doing to us in this thread isn't cool. Seek immediate help.

Call a psychiatrist and tell them everything. It's a matter of life and death now.

Imagine being drunk, permanently. That's depression for you, except that instead of being drunk, you're depressed. It's an altered state of mind, it's not your normal state. You can't see things straight for now, don't even think you do.

Call someone.

>>38258670
>no one wants to be around depressed people.

It's more complicated than that. You probably scare people, because they may not all be experts on mental illness, you know. They'll just know something is wrong, but not what.

How about sports or working out? Do you do anything?

>>38258703
>You probably scare people
Might be as i tend to somewhat idealize new people and then if they dont live up to my image, i discard them.
>How about sports or working out? Do you do anything?
Not really because i dont know how long i'm going to be at my current place therefore throwing away bucks for a couple of sessions seems kinda pointless.

>>38258776
>Might be as i tend to somewhat idealize new people and then if they dont live up to my image, i discard them.

Narcs and Borderliners tend to do this as well. Nobody will ever live up to your expectations, because they're unrealistic, for one, and because you probably don't see them correctly anyway.

>Not really because i dont know how long i'm going to be at my current place therefore throwing away bucks for a couple of sessions seems kinda pointless.

There's a whole lot you can do at home.

>>38258604
>Tell me about those stories.

>base defence in a big battle.
>deep sea diving for treasure
>bad ass parkour chase through multiple castles
>massive meteor crashing down, majoras mask moon style. trying to survive.
>general hiding/taking cover to survive natural disasters.

i had lots of fantasies and little games centered around surviving in a cold wasteland. they used to give me an intense sense of comfort and something that might have been hope.
one in particular that kept me awake many nights (because i enjoyed the fantasy) was how a portal would open up and start sucking everything in and spitting it out in the north pole. i used to position myself so that i could hold on to my blanket, bed and pillows. i imagined that with this i could survive the old and together with other survivors start assembling a base and eventually a new community. ofcourse in which i would be king since i owned the bed that started it.

>>38258817
>Narcs and Borderliners tend to do this as well
Strangely enough i scored high on borderline test but i cannot see myself being one.

>>38258646
that's much faster than i would've imagined

also this >>38258672

>>38258860
>ofcourse in which i would be king since i owned the bed that started it.

This is awesome. This is really good stuff.

Do you enjoy survival vidya?

>>38258672
I really don't feel up to it, calling someone and telling the truth isn't my thing, I can't bring myself to do it.
I've been "drunk" for as long as i remember, I can't remember a single moment where i was "sober", it's always been this way.
I never had a single lick of the happiness lollipop.

I don't even think there's anyone i can call that would legit help me.

The moment i put down my mask everyone will start deterring from me.

it's always happened, every single time.
so i have to wake up everyday, put a fake smile for those around me and pretend im happy and not a lonely miserable fuck.

>What you're doing to us in this thread isn't cool.

I never thought I'd be a burden here too.
I don't know what to say other than im really sorry for being selfish.

I could stop coming here if it's for the best, I'm sure ill find somewhere else.

>>38258929
>Do you enjoy survival vidya?
in the beginning, but once the actual survival part is over i tire quickly and the meticulous tactics i've used for optimal survival just makes it tedious.

>This is really good stuff.
you say this often, i never really got what you mean with it.

>>38258937
>I never thought I'd be a burden here too.

You're not a burden, but you're acting like nobody cares, and that's unfair. I care. I don't want you to die. I'll be crushed if you don't show up anymore.

Don't act like this is what I meant, because you know it isn't.

I want you to know that I care and that's why what you do isn't cool. Acting like nobody gives a fuck. I know it's what you're used to, but it's not true.

Stay.

>>38258993
>you say this often, i never really got what you mean with it.

It's imaginative. It speaks to my imagination and I enjoy it.

How come it's so quiet on a Sunday evening?

>>38259121
>How come it's so quiet on a Sunday evening?
Missed mine
>>38258868

>>38259018
>It speaks to my imagination and I enjoy it.
i can relate to this. sometimes when i write something i like to put some passion in it to get a greater feeling from the text.

i just wanted to be sure so it wasnt an indication that what was said was an important part in understanding the issue at hand.

>>38259139

Have you read the list of symptoms?

>>38259143
>i just wanted to be sure so it wasnt an indication that what was said was an important part in understanding the issue at hand.

It is important, but not like I will deduce anything from it, just that you have a cool imagination, and that counts.

File: 17553.jpg (161KB, 800x600px) Image search: [Google]

161KB, 800x600px

>>38259010
Sorry i made you feel that way, i never realized that you cared this much about everyfag in here.

I guess it's just too hard to change, being depressed and isolated from society for 20 years is really bad for you I guess.

It's just hard staying positive when im surrounded by this negitive influence all around me.

It's just


Life is fucked up.

i just realized my name wasn't attached

>>38259213

It's fine, I'm here for that. I'm not here to feel good, I'm here to make you feel good.

All I want is for you to stay.

Whenever you feel bad and want to die, I want you to picture me telling you to stay. In fact, I want you to picture me screaming at you to stay, at the top of my lungs, stay.

Stay.

Stay.

>>38259172
>just that you have a cool imagination
i used to live almost entirely inside my own mind, and still do to some extent. suppose that does something for you.
that's also probably why real life stuff didnt bother me much until i realized the world kept moving without me.

>be virgin in highschool
>dont care, got sweet vidya to play
>spend summer alone playing awesome vidya
>all is good
>realize most of my classmates had sex during summer
>instantly develop a desperate need for a gf and sex

>>38259311

This makes me think I did the same. Countless stories centered around my bed too. I spent my childhood imagining virtual parallel lives. I never realised I was most likely doing this to survive a horribly shitty childhood with non-human parents.

And I too got left out of a lot. Like I do everything ten years after everyone.

>>38259247
>Whenever you feel bad and want to die, I want you to picture me telling you to stay.
This reminds me of something the girl whom I considered killing said. Let's call her LaGhirlandata.
>Whenever you're struggling, just imagine the sound of my voice washing over you
It was truly a comfort then.

>>38259362

That does not make me feel comfortable.

>>38259155
>Have you read the list of symptoms?
Yeah
>Fear of abandonment.
Not really, i actually put other people on distance.
>Unstable relationships
Never had one.
>Unclear or unstable self-image.
I could say so.
>Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
I could say that i need some attention but not by any harmful ways like cutting, having sex or reckless driving.
>Self-harm
Sometimes i beat myself if things go wrong.
>Extreme emotional swings
Rarely.
>Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Yes.
>Explosive anger.
Rarely.
>Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Yeah, i have moments of dissociation.

>>38259362
That was supposed to read 'LG', with the spoilers in place.

>>38259311
I used to do stuff like that too, except that instead of legos, i used insects sometimes. It was fun.

Asked this question before but had to leave before it got answered: Is waifuism mentally healthy?

>>38259338
i used to feel a desperate longing for an alternate reality where i could do whatever i wanted risk free. and also were i could live out my magical fantasies about flying and sword fighting and telekenisis and stuff.
felt really trapped within my own body, limited to real world human stuff.

do you think you got left out in the sense that you weren't invited or that you were just to preoccupied inside your own head to follow along?

>>38259362
>Let's call her LaGhirlandata.
i dont get it...

File: The Garland.jpg (99KB, 569x800px) Image search: [Google]

99KB, 569x800px

>>38259486
This painting has special significance to me, and reflects something of the way that I would have dressed and posed her.

>>38259415
>Not really, i actually put other people on distance.

Are you aware that fear of abandonment causes Borderliners to keep people at a distance so they can't be abandoned by them? Maybe this makes more sense to you.

>Never had one.

Having issues maintaining them or being unable to have them is pretty much the same thing here.

>I could say that i need some attention but not by any harmful ways like cutting, having sex or reckless driving.

Borderliners don't self-harm for attention, or have dangerous behaviour for attention.

Reading that post, you have a lot of symptoms. You have 6 out of the 9, which would make you an official BPD, since only 5 is required (though I disagree with that system, you'd still qualify).

I heavily recommend reading more about it, maybe watch a documentary, see if you relate.

>>38259445

Define exactly what you mean before I give you an answer. What's waifuism for you?

>>38259421
>i used insects sometimes
wtf, real insects? how'd you get them to move like you wanted?

i was certainly not limited to legos, i could use all kinds of junk but never anything living. there's something cool to see in most things. i could play with a tea spoon for unhealthy long periods of time.

>>38259522
clarifies it a bit. also makes it a whole lot more disturbing, but im sure you've heard that before.

>>38259537
>Are you aware that fear of abandonment causes Borderliners to keep people at a distance so they can't be abandoned by them?
Yeah, that makes sense and i usually discard people before they do the same to me.
I dont see myself as BDP because i'm actually cold and distant person with strangers but complete opposite with family. I dont show my anger with strangers because i'm saving them from myself.

>>38259454
>do you think you got left out in the sense that you weren't invited or that you were just to preoccupied inside your own head to follow along?

My behaviour didn't encourage anyone to invite me. I didn't know how to socialise, and I realised people sort of assumed I was dumb, only because I was way more quiet than everyone. I never spoke unless spoken to, basically. The way I had learned growing up. I had no concept of putting myself forward, that requires some self-esteem and self-care, I had none of that. I couldn't do much socialising. I always ended up with the wrong crowd. I knew where I really belonged, but I wasn't confident enough to join them.

I had the resources necessary but not the confident or the state of mind. I didn't even know what I was dealing with in terms of issues. I didn't even know I had anxiety and depression.

>>38259486
>>38259522

Thread #1. That painting might be amongst Facet's very first posts in the thread.

It goes a long way back.

On a totally unrelated note, I decided to watch the matrix again and man is Trinity hot. I don't really remember being attracted to her at all when I was a teenager. I actually remember thinking she was kinda ugly. But now fucking hell she's so attractive.

Are tastes in women known to change this much? Just wondering.

>>38259590
Not exact movements like toys buy it wasn't hard to make them kill each other. Like big fights between different ant species or other insects.

>>38259545
She's a conceptual person based off a fictional entity that exists as part of my soul. She lives in my heart and makes me happy.

>>38259719

Yeah, it can change. But yeah, Carrie Anne Moss is the stuff.

>>38259761
That's a tulpa lad.

https://youtu.be/oQUC1SLow_Y

Song related to this thread.

>>38259659
but did you actually miss the stuff you didnt have?

the case with me and sex, as well as several other things that's part of growing up, was that i blindly assumed that it would automatically happen when the time was right. i the mean time i was fine in my safe bubble. no point in feeling bad over what i didnt have.

>>38259673
interesting, i might go back to check it out sometime.

>>38259761

My first question is: how do you manage to give this any reality while knowing it's completely in your head? That'd prevent me from getting this to work.

I'd keep hearing, "Your waifu ain't real, bitch," and it would never work. Can you explain how you make it work?

>>38259636
Am i so hidden with my posts?

>>38259719
i remember being surprised over how unattractive she was when i watched the sequel. from the original movie i remembered her as really hot.

>>38259753
that was too advanced for me, and it required interacting with other living beings. so i didnt like it.

>>38259805
>but did you actually miss the stuff you didnt have?

Yes. And no. I believed myself to be so intensely ugly and worthless that I had decided to remain alone and not insult a girl with any attempt. I was resolved to live on the sidelines. It wasn't for me. I still fell in love and got hurt.

I was a horny teen and I wanted to eff the ess out of most of the girls in my class. But nothing ever happened, although I'm confident now that with some self-care I could have hoped for a lot more. I started life with a lot of delay, due to my education, but if I could go back knowing what I know now, things would be different.

I'm a failed Chad, sort of. Catching up, though.

>>38259833
She's about as real as, say, my nation is, but I'm still a patriot to its ideals, no?

Even if its just 'my imagination' loving her comforts me and I feel loved back, even if she's not physically real I can feel her love when I think of her.

https://youtu.be/47iXIEkNYvM

I still think of you...

>>38259636
>Yeah, that makes sense and i usually discard people before they do the same to me.

That's textbook BPD.

>I dont see myself as BDP because i'm actually cold and distant person with strangers but complete opposite with family. I dont show my anger with strangers because i'm saving them from myself.

That's a bit unusual but maybe not so much. I know a BPD I lived with and she could control it with most people, just not with me. So it's possible. I know others who have it under control, nobody would ever guess.

I'm sorry I missed the post. It keeps happening. I don't know why. I suspect there may be some glitch.

>>38259958
>That's textbook BPD.
I still cant see it. I'm not that emotional that i'd let my emotions on strangers.

File: 1498430359211.png (46KB, 342x378px) Image search: [Google]

46KB, 342x378px

>>38259874
>playing catch up

I hope you remember what the egg said about playing catch up