Psychological Issues #89

>>38231506
>I liked Poppy a lot but in a non-homo way. Never felt any romantic/sexual desire towards poppy.

A non-homo way would mean a hetero way, which is the opposite of not feeling desire towards her. Unless you're a woman, this makes no sense to me.

>Then when i got home i scribbled "why doesnt Poppy like me" allllllll over my furniture..

This is gold. Very Borderliny, but in admirable ways.

Hey.

I want to be loved, but only by a certain person. This person is a friend yet not a desirable one.

I wont expand on that so don't ask.

My problem is, that I want it.

How do i stop wanting it? All I want is their time, attention.. I want to feel love by them, needed, admired, wanted.. I want to be good friends and hang out a lot but we barely talk as it is due to her being so busy with work.

It's really depressing when she talks to me from work and appears to be too busy to say much or give any reason otherwise as to why she hasn't replied and its been 10 minutes, now 15, now 20, now 30, now an hour, now an hour and 20 minutes, now i've logged off the computed and become really upset and angry that they did not say anything to me after the last thing i said, mostly because they are too busy.

I've seen them though, they'll hang with other people and quickly make time to have a moment with them, but not me. Never me.

>>38234140

You're going to need a better name than this, because many before you have tried the same trick.

Are you in love with that person? You sound like it, but in a special way, or something.

Would you want to completely cut off contact with her?

I had a further thought about Christianity. When I was in church last, it was more of a lecture format and I approved of the structure. Wasn't into the singing at all, though. Anyway, it felt very positive; I had all kinds of thoughts about living a virtuous life and all the rest of it. It lasted about two days. I asked others to come with me, they didn't I lost interest. I might go back sometime, who knows? I do consider Christianity to be the default moral framework, having been raised Christian. However I have a lot of problems with it since in my eyes, the deity is essentially an egotistical bully. For that reason, I'm not totally sold on it. Plus I renounce Christ. Not sure why, I just don't feel it.

Atlas

Your namesake carried the weight of the world on his shoulders

You carry a gut the size of a boulder

>>38234243
Should it be renounce or denounce? I don't know, I'm tired after work.

>>38234254
I think I already did that one, or something akin to that. Also hands off my little piggy, his paunch is my play pillow no homo

>>38231610

He sounds like his parents were very controlling and did everything for him, whether he liked it or not, this would be why he worships you, you took that role for him.

He is probably much more scared of life than you realise, but if he could do those adult things, he'd be less scared and would grow.

I don't suggest to break up, but you might explain things to him and want him to be on his own for a while, to see things from a different perspective, and that you'll be there to help him learn things, but that he needs to grow the fuck up, for his own good.

Make him move in with you, for instance.

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>>38234291
I don't see your name branded into his buttock

>>38234243
It's always interesting to me when someone mentions how religion is the default moral framework. Having lived in one of the most atheistic countries all my life (and also one of the safest, mind you) I find it interesting. Somewhere about 20% of people believe in some god. And only about 10% are catholics, many believe, but without a church.

Why do you think religion has to be the default moral framework? I'm not trying to be edgy here, just interested.

>>38234337
It's not default for everyone, it's just the default for me having been raised in that system. It's the same for many others. In the West in general, it's pretty common for it to be Christianity. It certainly does not have to be, but for some it is. What would you say it is for you? Humanism, perhaps?

>>38234319
I don't know what your picture is, but I would absolutely love to brand someone. Sadly I've yet to persuade anyone.

>>38234243
>I had all kinds of thoughts about living a virtuous life and all the rest of it.

Let me guess: you wanted to be admired as a saint.

> I asked others to come with me, they didn't I lost interest.

No audience, no show.

>having been raised Christian.

My sweet cheeks on that one. Who the hell raised you as a Christian boy? Your parents?

Are they illiterate enough to misread "suffer the little children" too?

Given enough time, I can do Christian apologetics as well as Dani Daniels sucks cock.

>>38234264

Renounce. From French "renoncer".

>>38234337
>Having lived in one of the most atheistic countries all my life (and also one of the safest, mind you)

>safest
>normal daily life can give you C-PTSD of the gods

Pick one.

>>38234387
Can't you put up an ad and offer them money? There's always someone

>>38234387
I actually had to look up what Humanism means. It might be. My point was that it must be perfectly possible to have a moral framework even without going to church. Thus dodging your concerns about an omnipotent deity. You just have to find your own "framework". Might be difficult though.

>>38234422
Well I just mean in terms of violent crime. I mean sure, we have lots of alcoholism, meth addictions, suicides, corruption and white collar crime. But not too many murders or rapes. Actually that's not really helping my point. Nevermind.

>>38234387
>but I would absolutely love to brand someone. Sadly I've yet to persuade anyone.

You need to focus on how fucked up that is and how you should stop wanting crap like that. Power-tripping is for people who feel weak. Focus on that and destroy your unhealthy desire. The more you want power over others, the weaker you are.

>>38234504
>Well I just mean in terms of violent crime.

>implying torturing someone with a whole group of people isn't a violent crime

>>38234392
Wew, pretty cynical today there Nick. Obviously it would be nice to be admired as a saint. I didn't think that specifically at the time, but I would want to be admired. As we've discussed, I tend to think that a person is somewhere between their actions and perceptions of others, the former only because it influences self-perception and as such, further action and perception.

I wouldn't have had an audience anyway; it'd be the person onstage. I do enjoy watching things, in general, with others though. I can't really enjoy entertainment alone for the most part.

I went through Sunday school, did all that stuff. This will make you laugh: when we were growing up, our Dad played some Victorian Christian philanthropist or another in a church musical, responsible for caring for orphans.

>>38234194
I was, I dont think I am anymore, I still harbor strong feelings though.. I just want to be the best i can be for them, like a best friend.

I've cut the contact before, not by my choice though, 2-3 years of no contact and still ended up back here with her, we're just barely friends at the minute, i see her most days and chat but its not fulfulling most of the time because i want more.

>>38234466
Children shouldn't have to find their own framework. There should be one in place to challenge, if nothing else.

>>38234505
Chill out with the salt. There is literally nothing wrong with wanting to brand someone. It would look, feel, smell and sound good.

>>38234529
>Wew, pretty cynical today there Nick. Obviously it would be nice to be admired as a saint

I wasn't being cynical. I just know you. You want to suffer in public, whether it's a food-eating contest or wrestling, or being a martyr for a good cause that everyone will admire you for. Don't tell me I'm cynical if you're going to confirm every damn part of what I said.

I don't understand how you could ever have any Christian faith without caring for other people, since that's the heart of it all.

>>38234537
>I've cut the contact before, not by my choice though, 2

So you didn't, someone else did cut contact with you.

How did you end up with her again?

What's the reason for her not wanting you, did you ask, did she tell?

>>38234599
>I don't understand how you could ever have any Christian faith without caring for other people, since that's the heart of it all.
I can care for others though. Nevertheless, that never really factored into my instruction in a meaningful way, nor my conception of it.

>>38234573
>Chill out with the salt.

Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's salt or an attack.

>There is literally nothing wrong with wanting to brand someone.

Yes, there's a lot wrong with it. It's a permanent scar you put on someone. You like it because it makes the pussy part of you feel all powerful and strong, which is honestly pitiful and makes you sound fragile and vulnerable.

>It would look, feel, smell and sound good.

Because you're fucked up. Think of it in terms of how that's the same sort of reasons why your parents got off on imposing pain on you. Power-tripping is not a healthy thing, especially when it's used for such negative ends.

>>38234658
>I can care for others though.

What's an example of you caring for someone?

>>38234599
I remember once during a holiday where I felt like a lousy piece of shit for not doing anything different. I just walked down into the crypt where they held catholic mass and sat there listening until it was over. Was pretty nice.

>>38234676
You don't see this as going for me?

>>38234665
There are many types of love.

>>38234704
>You don't see this as going for me?

Uh? I'm asking you for a real life example of you caring for someone.

>There are many types of love.

And many that may look like love to you but are everything bet. Fetishes from mental illness aren't love. Don't glorify your weaknesses.

>>38234756
>Describing fetishes as mental illness
>Current Year +1
Extremely problematic desu

Besides, I've looked out for people at work, I've looked after my brothers, I regularly feed the homeless. I anticipate that anything I say you'll say I only did it to feel good or any number of well-worn dismissals of altruism.

>>38234621
She cut the contact with me.

I ended up with her again because i just said hey after 2-3 years, i forget which it is, its either 2 years or 3.

The reason is she loves someone else lol but that doesnt mean we cant be friends, only the level of friendship we are at right now doesn't satisfy me and i feel she puts notthing into it or doesnt really care where as i am the opposite.

>>38234834
>Describing fetishes as mental illness

The strict definition of a fetish is actually a mental illness: it's when someone cannot get sexually aroused unless that one specific thing is done. It's not how the term is used nowadays, but, if I'm not mistaken, that's the original definition of it.

We're not talking about positions or sexual acts, here, moreover, we're talking about branding. When something that farmers do to cows without any sexual connotations, you know you're in deep doodoo. There's nothing sexual about branding, not until mental illness kicks in and makes it sexy to you for completely fucked up reasons. If you understood why it turned you on, it'd instantly be less sexy.

It makes me think of a mouse biting an elephant and shooting a load at the idea of having left a dent in that thick skin.

Looking out for people at work, as in, it was your job to do so?

You have another brother? Since when? You only ever mentioned your older brother.

You feed the homeless? How so?

>I anticipate that anything I say you'll say I only did it to feel good or any number of well-worn dismissals of altruism.

Just because you do an inb4 doesn't mean those reasons couldn't be true, but in this case, to derive any joy from altruism, one needs to have empathy, so that's not necessarily the route I would take.

I am not actually sold on the idea that you care about other people. Doing things for other people, sure, these are acts, but whether you actually give a damn or spend any time thinking about the people you help, I am not convinced yet.

>>38234914

Sounds like your best bet is to forget her. You can't force her to love you.

>>38234990
>dont be friends with this person who was awesome and you used to have a really good conneciton with just because they will never love you

but i dont care about that i just want to be good friends, it sounds like she never has the time for me but will find it for others..

>>38234941
I worked with homeless people for a while, voluntarily. Before and since, I often buy them lunch though. I actually started because a cop told me not to feed them since there was a centre. So I spent a few months working there.

Re: sexual tastes, stop trying to spoil my fun. It's always consensual anyway.

>>38235050
>it sounds like she never has the time for me but will find it for others..

I'm not telling you not to be friends with her, I'm telling you she doesn't want to be friends with you. That's why you're better off cutting her from your life. She doesn't want to be good friends, she doesn't give a fuck, from what I can tell.

Cut her off. If there's a single chance to keep her as a friend, that will be to live without thinking of her for a while; at this point, she's just concerned about you bugging her too much.

So yeah, take your distances, go chose other women.

>>38235050
Is it at all possible, that you actually do still have feelings for her and want to spend more time together for that reason?

If not, why should friends always spend a lot of time together? You should really ask yourself why do you want to spend so much time with her.

>>38235066
>Re: sexual tastes, stop trying to spoil my fun. It's always consensual anyway.

Being consensual makes no different. You're abusing people with traumas and you know it. Instead of helping them, you abuse them the same way they were abused originally. You know it.

That's about as "fun" as having someone do to you what your parents did and enjoying it. The way I see it, it's fucking vile and you should be ashamed.

If it was completely consensual and OK, it wouldn't turn you on so much. Admit it.

anyone got an idea of what to do in a new city?
im feeling so fucking trapped om considering just getting on a train to where ever, just to be somewhere else. but i also dont think taking a walk and spending the night watching tv in a hotel would do anything for me.

>>38235155
An adult can make an adult decision. It's distasteful of you to infantilise or to otherwise imply that they're unfit to choose, especially on grounds of trauma. Not very empathic, either. You'd rather choose for them, I take it? Know what's best for them?

>>38235176
Why not go camping somewhere? Just grab a backpack and a sleep bag. A knife, some canned goods and water and wander around the woods.

That is if you don't mind nature.

>>38235176

Join the chess club.

>>38235194
>An adult can make an adult decision.

Can emotionally stunted and mentally arrested people do the same? I am not so sure. And you know the deal better than me, so stop trying to convince me now that you believe the people you prey upon to be capable of adult decisions. Only insofar as they do your bidding.

> It's distasteful of you

No trick of that nature is ever going to work on me. Just so you know.

>It's distasteful of you to infantilise or to otherwise imply that they're unfit to choose,

I disagree. Anyone who wants to be branded by you in order to enjoy it needs serious therapy and needs to think twice. Who'd think it's a great idea to get branded by a pervert who gets off on permanently putting his mark on you as if you were cattle?

Wake the fuck up.

>especially on grounds of trauma. Not very empathic, either.

Like I said, any tricks of that nature will fail because I'm not buying that shit for a second. As if you actually thought that indulging maladaptive defense mechanisms was "being empathic to people with traumas." It's easier for you because there's a remnant of conscience in you, and the idea of abusing others doesn't sit too well, so you focus on how adult they are and how they choose, instead of thinking of what would be better for them.

>You'd rather choose for them, I take it? Know what's best for them?

Yes, in this case, it isn't hard. Would you rather have FACET WAS HERE branded on your ass, or not having it? There's no fucking debate here. You'll never make someone your cow.

I have the same reaction to this shit as I had to your bear fantasy. Fucking hell, man, do you realise how fucking off the charts you are sometimes?

>>38235378
>bear fantasy
explain

>>38235438

While it's public, I won't explain unless he permits it, and if he'd rather not do it himself.

>>38235238
i like nature. me and a couple of friends have actually planned on going camping. but someone keeps flaking. it's good that you put the thought of doing it alone in my head.

>>38235378
i only intended to stay for a night or two..

>>38235470
I don't recall, so it's likely better to leave it. You could message me in private though. Unless you're talking about killing a woman's dog after it had done fucking her?

>>38235378
>You'll never make someone your cow.
Just wait, and I'll send you the pictures. I could even tell them my name's Nick if you like.

>>38235503
Yeah it's not so bad actually. When I was younger I would spend whole days in the woods just walking/exploring. Found some interesting shit too, WW2 bunkers, huge cage-like traps for god knows what (deer I assume), abandoned cow/pigsheds from the communist era. Only problem is it's just you alone with your thoughts, which is why I don't do it anymore. I'd rather keep my mind occupied.

Anyways, yeah. I think if you try it, you'll be surprised nicely.

>>38235568
>Just wait, and I'll send you the pictures. I could even tell them my name's Nick if you like.

Do that and I'll never have to wait on you ever again.

Writing you about the bear. In private.

>>38235657
>>38217836
this happened again yesterday but they arent actually voices, they are sometimes but they are about what i imagine before falling asleep so thats normal i guess?

>>38235752

Nothing normal about that. Never happened to me. Other symptoms or only this stuff before falling asleep?

Oh look, it's this thread again. You need to KYS Nick.

>>38235657
I wonder how conscious of your own manipulative efforts you are. This is only the latest in a catalogue of similar attempts. You punctuated this one with an ultimatum, but routinely you decide which behaviours are cowardly in an attempt to appeal to/ wound my ego. Thankfully, you're always on hand to tell me exactly which behaviours would be better. This is a gambit you routinely play, and and it's very transparent. You're also inconsistent as a means of disorienting me and thus, have me rely on you for validation. You know all too well that hot-and-cold displays send the target reeling then scrabbling for approval. I see what you're doing. Just so you know.

>>38235574
i've been walking a lot in nature actually. just very rarely more than a couple of hours.
i really dont feel safe to sleep outside, so that's kinda keeping me hesitant.

im split with being alone with your thoughts. it feel liberating, but i realize it might also fuck my shit up.

>>38235819
>I wonder how conscious of your own manipulative efforts you are.

Every time you're challenged out of your comfort zone, you assume I'm "manipulative". There's nothing based on falsehoods in what I said. Besides, manipulation is done to gain something. I have nothing to gain by telling you any of this, except that I have to deal with your reaction, which you try to focus on me: my "manipulative" efforts, my attitude, etc.

>This is only the latest in a catalogue of similar attempts.

It's the exact same thing I've been doing since March. Soon you'll tell me I'm plotting against you.

>You punctuated this one with an ultimatum, but routinely you decide which behaviours are cowardly in an attempt to appeal to/ wound my ego.

Your ego is wounded, that doesn't mean I set out to wound it. When you've reached the point where you honestly believe someone deserves to be branded by you, that's when your ego needs to get a reality check and come down, because it's huffing and puffing way above its league and needs to be reminded of just what it stands for.

As to an ultimatum, it wasn't, but it's a healthy reaction to some bullshit you were threatening to pull. Don't threaten me with comparable bullshit and I won't have to keep you in check.

>Thankfully, you're always on hand to tell me exactly which behaviours would be better.

That's why I'm here.

> This is a gambit you routinely play, and and it's very transparent.

I try to make everything I do as transparent as possible; this isn't an accident, it's intentional.

>You're also inconsistent as a means of disorienting me and thus, have me rely on you for validation.

Now even my flaws are somehow a plot against you? If by inconsistent you mean "not always the same," could it be because I'm a human being and not a machine? I'm consistent. I've never liked your power-tripping bullshit. I have nothing to gain by disorienting you.

cont.

>>38235921
>im split with being alone with your thoughts. it feel liberating, but i realize it might also fuck my shit up.
Nah man don't take it this way. I was talking about myself. I don't think it will be like that for you. Don't let my rambling discourage you.

As for sleeping outside, it's not as bad it seems. Animals will mostly leave you alone (and if you're afraid, just take a piss near to where you're sleeping).

>>38235819
>You know all too well that hot-and-cold displays send the target reeling then scrabbling for approval.

I don't, actually. In my mind, you don't need my approval.

> I see what you're doing. Just so you know.

You're paranoid. I have no idea what you think I would gain from trying tricks.

You're turning this into a personal vendetta against you, in which I use tricks. That's a way for you to have someone else be the bad guy, right at the moment when you suspect it's you. You abusing other people's weaknesses, but trying to cover it all up because muh adults, muh freedom, muh it's their choice, muh I really want to fucking brand someone forever.

Spare me. Your tricks are transparent. You're going to have to deal with the fact that you want to abuse others in weak positions, while I'm only making that fact obvious to you, and for this you'd like to make me pay.

>>38236038

Do you hear this at night because there are less sounds? Do the experiment during the day, when you can get the utmost silence. See if you hear anything.

So you say, and yet you pride yourself on walking among monsters when others wouldn't subject themselves to such things. You claim that I have a martyr complex? Seems cut and dried to me here. You consistently denigrate others in these threads, and it's not because you hope to help them by insulting them, as you claim. There's no way that you can believe such a course of action to be optimally effective. You do it because you feel some personal revulsion or objection, no different from those who rail against gays because they find the acts involved to be disgusting. When you go for people - which you frequently do - it's to place yourself above them. To exercise power. To shame them. That, and to bolster your own ego by pontificating on your own virtue and the charts and tables that you have to prove it.

>>38235979
what effect does being alone with your thoughts have on you?

i dont care about animals, the biggest predator we have around here are foxes. it's people im scared of.

Hello everyone, it's my second time here.

>>38236123
Leave while you still can, Nick will send you down a path of self destruction

>>38236123
What I really meant is, it's getting lonely in here and this is the only way I can socialize.

>>38236153
How so?

>>38236110
>what effect does being alone with your thoughts have on you?
I usually start ripping into myself for dumb reasons. Being very angry about everything, sometimes I start shouting. Once I let my mind be idle it starts to think some really dumb and toxic shit. Actually it's kinda toxic for me to even describe it in this way. It's not like my mind is some independent entity (believing that would be insane). I guess I just lack self-control.

>i dont care about animals, the biggest predator we have around here are foxes. it's people im scared of.
Yeah that is a problem. Then again if you go deep enough into the woods that shouldn't really be an issue. Right? You can even disguise yourself, build a shelter and mask it as well as you can. Shit's fun! It'd also be good to have a decent flashlight, 1000 lumens+ would be great, it can really scare off anything (people or animals).

>>38236123
Why is this the only way you can socialize? Just wondering.

>>38236179
Please leave for your own good, don't even bother replying.

>>38236089
>and yet you pride yourself on walking among monsters

I do? Is that how you see things? I don't recall ever taking any pride in that. I'd rather walk amongst nice people. I don't like monsters.

>when others wouldn't subject themselves to such things.

And? I'm trying to help.

>You claim that I have a martyr complex?

More exactly, I said you are trying to make me the bad guy with these ideas of me plotting against you and such.

>You consistently denigrate others in these threads, and it's not because you hope to help them by insulting them, as you claim.

Bullshit needs to be called for what it is. Whenever I see something that isn't sane, I will say so. There aren't many people in the thread that can do as much. In most cases, other less than sane anons will just agree with whatever sick fantasies anyone has. Remember the rape and salad thing? I wouldn't be of any use if I didn't call people out on such bullshit.

If you'd rather imagine that this is me bullying people around and everything, do what you want. But you know it's the easy way and won't lead to any progress.

>There's no way that you can believe such a course of action to be optimally effective.

I do actually. It's very efficient and instantly brings out some core beliefs that wouldn't be seen otherwise.

>You do it because you feel some personal revulsion or objection, no different from those who rail against gays because they find the acts involved to be disgusting

Wrong. As a Kinsey 0, I am profoundly disgusted by homosexual acts, but I am aware that's just a reflex and not an opinion on homosexuals themselves. I keep the two very separate. My disgust for abuse is a completely different order, a well thought out order. Nice association fallacy. I also drink water, like Hitler.

>>38236089

>When you go for people - which you frequently do - it's to place yourself above them.

Same martyr complex as before. You think I attack people for my own pleasure because that's what you'd do. I'm not you. I don't enjoy power-tripping over the weaknesses of others.

>To exercise power. To shame them. That, and to bolster your own ego by pontificating on your own virtue and the charts and tables that you have to prove it.

The only power I have is to help people. If you feel shame, consider the possibility that maybe you should, in fact, feel shame. Do I think you should be ashamed of wanting to brand some poor mentally unstable person? Yes, I do. I even told you so. You should feel ashamed and the fact that you do, in fact, feel ashamed, shows that you agree with me, deep down, so stop trying to act like it's just me making you feel bad. Your own conscience is doing the same to you.

>That, and to bolster your own ego by pontificating on your own virtue and the charts and tables that you have to prove it.

That's only to remind the population of this thread that I am not some unempathic or emotionally stunted character. It matters a whole lot. Now, if you want to see as that my wanking my own ego, do what you want.

TL;DR: you're trying to turn the good I attempt to do into some self-serving bullshit that doesn't deserve any respect.

It's just a distraction so you don't have to ponder the bear fantasy and the branding crap. Don't tell me you think I'm power-tripping about people when you literally want to brand someone with your name. Got it?

>>38236223
Autism. The real world, and real conversations, are overwhelming, because there are so many sensory data at once.

>>38236233

Facet (?) throwing a tantrum. Now you want everyone else to leave because you aren't happy with my disapproving of your evil fantasies?

There's worse I could do, you know. I could lie to you and say it's fine. I give you more respect than that.

>>38236358

That's a classic C-PTSD sign, usually. Hypervigilance makes you check on everything that's happening.

Did you have people in your childhood whom you had to keep an eye on?

>>38236233
Haters gonna hate.
And you're implying I come here for guidance or can't defend myself? Not really.

>>38236073
>Do you hear this at night because there are less sounds?
probably and because im tired i guess
>Do the experiment during the day, when you can get the utmost silence. See if you hear anything.
will do

>>38236359
This has nothing to do with facet. She's a wonderful lady. Your advice always has been and always will be horrible.

>>38236371
No. Why are you talking about C-PTSD?

>>38236241
It wasn't an association but a comparison. I wasn't calling you a homophobe, I was suggesting that you use morality as a means to justify your own disgust and position it as an imperative.

As to your own comment on monsters, you have said exactly that in the past though my wording mightn't be precise. In essence the one sane and virtuous voice. You reiterate that here, though not in so many words.

I'm sure that you're aware what gaslighting is. By decreeing that you are sane and the rest insane you also create the premise that anything that you disagree with or disapprove of is automatically insane and therefore invalid.

>Don't tell me you think I'm power-tripping about people when you literally want to brand someone with your name. Got it?
You do this every day. The two most certainly bear comparison. You're being dishonest with yourself. You know that these threads help you, and there's nothing wrong with that.

>>38236190
>Once I let my mind be idle it starts to think some really dumb and toxic shit
i get your point. there's just automatic patterns, yours is clearly more destructive than mine. but im still not sure it's too good for me. feels like it sorta distances myself from reality.

realistically i know lots of places where i would almost be guaranteed to be alone. i also know that if i do run into people they're gonna be out camping as well and have no interest in hurting me.
but that's just how my mind works.

>>38236411

OK, now I'm not sure whether you're the usual troll, or whether you're Facet and you've switched.

If Facet doesn't confirm anything about the post, I'll assume it's him.

If my advice is horrible, then stop submitting yourself to it and go do something you enjoy.

>>38236412

Because hypervigilance is a symptom of it, simply.

Do you enjoy spending time with your parents, doing nothing but hanging around and having casual conversations in the evening?

>>38236439
>If my advice is horrible, then stop submitting yourself to it and go do something you enjoy.
It is, and I'm trying to save others.

>>38236439
No, it's not hypervigilance. It's just good old sensory overload.

>>38236439
Nah, it wasn't me. I don't believe that your advice is useless, for one thing.

>>38236419
>It wasn't an association but a comparison. I wasn't calling you a homophobe, I was suggesting that you use morality as a means to justify your own disgust and position it as an imperative.

Comparing is associating. If you say X is like Y, then being Y is like being X. It's not complicated.

And you're right about the latter part, but not in that twisted way. I have morality and that is why I feel disgust at immoral behaviour. Abusing people's weaknesses is something I find morally unacceptable, especially when it's done to satisfy your own sick desires, instead of working on them to be a better person. It's a pretty simple position to have and I stand by it.

>In essence the one sane and virtuous voice. You reiterate that here, though not in so many words.

Yes, I wouldn't come here if I didn't think I had some reason and virtue to share. Unlike you, having moral goals in life doesn't feel so extraordinary to me, and I don't expect praise for it. It's just normality to me.

>I'm sure that you're aware what gaslighting is. By decreeing that you are sane and the rest insane you also create the premise that anything that you disagree with or disapprove of is automatically insane and therefore invalid.

That's only because you don't realise that wanting to brand someone isn't sane. I wouldn't consider many of you mentally off the charts unless I had good reasons to do so. Reasons that you give me, I don't make them up.

If you want to keep defending branding, you're free to do so, but you will have a hard time proving that anyone wishing this upon themselves isn't mentally unstable.

cont.

>>38236419

>You do this every day. The two most certainly bear comparison. You're being dishonest with yourself. You know that these threads help you, and there's nothing wrong with that.

You think helping myself and power-tripping are the same? Perhaps you think that helping people means having power over them? I suppose that's the only way you can imagine why I'd like helping people. Guess what, you're wrong. I enjoy helping people because it makes me feel good to do something positive that people enjoy. That is not about power. If I liked power that much, do you think I'd subject myself to a thread where, every damn time, I get told to kill myself and other things? If I liked power, I'd make a chatroom where I can ban people and such. That's not what I do here.

Helping others helping me has nothing to do with power. Helping people also has nothing to do with lusting over the idea of branding them like cattle.

>>38236516
>No, it's not hypervigilance. It's just good old sensory overload.

Other people don't get sensory overload despite being subjected to the same environment, so how do you explain that if not by hypervigilance? Wouldn't you say you're paying attention to everything that's going on while others focus on what's more important?

>>38236462
>It is, and I'm trying to save others.

Well, you're failing horribly, then.

If you had better advice to give, you'd have done so by now, but you can't because you don't know jack about the issues discussed here. That's why all you can do is whine like a baby, on and on and on. Go ahead. You're doing this to yourself. If you had more dignity, you wouldn't.

>>38236603
I'm autistic. I mentioned it, you'll see if you scroll back up a little.

>>38236628

Yeah, well, as in 90% of the cases here, I don't buy the autistic diagnosis. Way too many times, it's not autism at all.

I seriously doubt you suffer from any form of autism.

But let's see. What kind of things can't you do because of your alleged autism? Narrow it down to things that can't be explained by other conditions, that way we'll cut to the chase.

>>38236704
Haha no, I'm not here for an armchair amateur counter-diagnosis. Though I can see why some here are hostile if this is how you approach people.

>>38236764

If you don't want my advice or opinion, why ask for it? I'm confused.

Are you that pleased with your autism diagnostic? Who diagnosed you with it?

And how come you don't feel comfortable sharing your symptoms of autism?

If you think I'm an armchair amateur, why even ask me anything in the first place?

Facet is hostile tonight but if you read the previous 86 threads you'll find him in everyone of them. I doubt he'd come every time if he had your opinion of me.

>>38236764
The hostility is actually more often than not irrational. At least as far as I'm concerned and I can get quite hostile at anyone who even brushes up against me for all the stupid reasons (not that there are any good reasons to be this way).

I'm the scatman.

>>38236872

It's part of the process. Here's the model I imagine:

- learn to know the person
- see issues
- see patterns
- see core beliefs
- once trust is established and time passes
- challenge beliefs and defenses
- anon can either react positively or defensively, usually the latter
- hostility, refusal to change or question established defense mechanisms, refusal to perceive maladaptive processes as such
- projection occurs at this point, where I get accused of all the things anon actually does and thinks himself

It happened with almost everyone I went far enough with, online and offline.

I'm sure you can confirm this model, Dan.

>>38236808
I only call you an armchair amateur because of your questions which I didn't ask for. I came here to chill and talk to people. Don't take this the wrong way, dude. I'm not asking you anything.

>>38236927

If you want me to illustrate this process, I can.

- patient has sex with parent
- be told that's not normal
- patient answers I'm not normal and I'm just jealous because I never got to fuck my mother

- anon who wants power assumes I'm the power-hungry one when I point out that seeking so much power is a sign of weakness

- anon who thinks everyone judges him for what he perceives as flaws in himself accuses me of being like everyone else in the world and that I judge people based on physical traits, genetics, height, while in reality anon judges others like that

I could go on and on.

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>everytime another tripfaggot has a hissy fit and starts flinging shit at Nick, he immediately BTFO's them

fuck, these threads are entertaining

>>38236962
>I only call you an armchair amateur because of your questions which I didn't ask for.

I'll stay out of your way, then. I'm not that big on armchairs, however.

>armchair amateur

>>38236927
Yeah I can confirm it.

Although the "only" thing this accomplishes is some level of awareness. In some cases it can immediately help the person. And in some other cases it at least makes the person realize what is happening, though it might take a long time for them to actually abandon their maladaptive thought processes.

In other words, after you start with the projection it kinda makes you see that the things you're things you're thinking or doing might not be ordinary. Or in some cases that they're bat-fucking-shit-insane.

Also I've found a very comfy song, if anyone wants to listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60J6HlvfePM&list=RD3RjBlBr5MB0&index=27

>>38237033
You don't worry about trusting an anon on 4chan with this kind of process?

>>38237033

That's exactly what the process is all about: making things conscious, so they can be dealt with.

I used to listen to Siamese Dream a lot when I was a teen. Disarm remains one of the best songs I have ever heard.

>>38234076
Hello Nick,
Back again. I was here with this name yesterday, but doubt I made much of an impression.
I'm in the last stages of the "alienating all of the people who have started meddling with my (voluntary?) isolation, recently" again, hence my return to this motley band of head cases.
I know the problem is me; no idea whether it's that people don't like me or I don't like people, though it works out the same.
I'm ready to blow this up, I have no intention of letting this happen again and, unfortunately, that leaves my short to intermediate destination pretty clear.
I feel like I can finally have some level of "happiness", for a little while at least, once I give up the ghost, the pretense, of this life turning around. I think the only way I'll ever quiet the constant furor in my head is burning all of the lifeboats.
Do you think there's merit to that line of thinking, if the rest of my life is going to be this misery but I might enjoy myself if I had a discrete finishline?

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>>38237071

Dan has known me for over a year. All the threads are public. Many anons have a correspondence with me and all can testify that I am trustworthy. Nobody ever had to complain.

Not everyone is ready for that process, however.

>>38237083
>Back again. I was here with this name yesterday, but doubt I made much of an impression.

I absolutely remember you.

Since you're fresh to me, I may still confuse your problematic with those of others; did we find anything with schizotypal or schizoid with you or was that someone else?

I think your line of thinking is too pessimistic. Don't give up, there's hope for you.

https://youtu.be/d1acEVmnVhI

>>38237113
That's not what I was asking... Is there a problem here? I sorta sense there might be one, but I can't tell. Did I do or say something upsetting?

>>38237178

You were asking if Dan trusted me with a process like that. I answered in the positive and explained why. I don't see how I'm answering beside the question.

You certainly seem to have a problem but on my end, I'm only responding to your question.

Checked my emails and had a nice bloody steak. Your confusion was based on a misreading of what I wrote: boar, not bear.

>>38237165

Originally, Corgan wanted to write a song about his parents, in which he'd take revenge on them. But then he decided to do the opposite. I think the lyrics will speak to many of you. I'm not saying you should forgive anyone you don't want to, though. It's usually the opposite problem you guys have.

>>38237071
Well, I simply can not for reasons I'd rather not go into seek help in real life. Then again honestly given the nature of my mental state I would never have sought help IRL. I'd just never admit to myself that something was wrong. I'd just keep stewing and stewing until suicide, asylum or prison. Forced hospitalization/mental breakdown actually sounds the most likely. Point is at this point, the damage is already done.

You get what I mean? I would never have sought help for social reasons.

>>38237078
Disarm is great actually, but tonight is just not the day I feel like listening to it. It has this sense of pressure and eagerness in it. Tonight it just doesn't fit.

I used to listen to Dawn to Dusk when I was a teen mostly. It's kinda edgier in a way.

>>38237200
>Checked my emails and had a nice bloody steak. Your confusion was based on a misreading of what I wrote: boar, not bear.

My confusion, eh... With regards to the point at stake, it makes little difference whether it's a bear or a boar. Or a woman you want to murder. The part about stealing their soul/strength is the same trippy deal that I can't condone.

>>38237198
What? No, I was asking Dan how he came to feel comfortable with seeking this sort of help on 4chan. I didn't mention you. And if I had meant to mention you, I would have... besides the question wasn't directed to you at all.

>>38237246
I could argue that you wouldn't know since you haven't done it so you wouldn't know, but that'd be a non-started. It's not really any different from religious or spiritual beliefs that others hold, and it does form a part of various belief systems.

>>38237258

You're saying I responded to a question that wasn't addressed to me. That's right. But that's not what your previous post was about. I responded for Dan because we're basically married at this point.

It's kind of weird how you make a point of coming to my thread to do everything but talk to me.

I'll be sure to stay out of your way, strange one. Have fun here.

>>38237279
>I could argue that you wouldn't know since you haven't done it so you wouldn't know, but that'd be a non-started. It's not really any different from religious or spiritual beliefs that others hold, and it does form a part of various belief systems.

>Muh others do it so I can do it too!

Are you telling me you've actually killed someone and felt you took their souls? Or was it that hedgehog's soul you absorbed?

>>38237302
I was implying neither. I'm just saying that since neither of us have done it, you can't rule it out. Same with life after death, for example.

>>38237146
>did we find anything with schizotypal or schizoid with you or was that someone else?
No, we were talking more generally. For the past 6 years, I've spent the great preponderance of my days without seeing the outside of my house, often my room.
I know that could be indicative be a lot of things but it informs the pessimism. Every imaginary step forward is followed by a tumble back down the staircase. (Despite the tortured metaphor, I'm not underage; just melodramatic and excessively flowery and discursive.)

>>38237083
I had very similar thoughts like you for some time. Wanted to isolate myself from everyone, to run away from everything. I've actually lost many, MANY people I've known due to these actions.

I probably mentioned in these threads that I'm learning russian on my own. I actually started learning it because I had this fantasy in mind of running away to the east to the heavily wooded and scarcely inhabited areas pretty much to die on my own away from everyone (and I imagined knowing at least the alphabet and some vocabulary would help me). This was little under a year ago.

Well the more concrete steps I took (like cutting contact with people, hell even getting gear and mapping out the best locations and making preparations for how to get there) I realized that I will not find what I want, which was ultimately peace. I realized it's not other people who are causing me the pain that I was trying to run away from. I realized that it was me. My head. My thoughts. And no matter where I go, no matter how many bridges I burn, it will still be there, ready to fuck my shit up.

I'm not saying it has to be the same way with you, maybe it's completely different, but if you wanna isolate yourself it's always good to do some introspection. You might actually find that you're going down a wrong path. Or not.

>>38237319
>I'm just saying that since neither of us have done it, you can't rule it out

Argument from silence. We could say anything at this point. Observe:

"I want to go fight a horse in the wild because I believe that upon defeating it with my fisty fists, a special connection between me, the take of its life, and the god of horses will happen, and it will make me feel something special, and maybe even give me new attributes. Since neither of us have done it, IT'S POSSIBRU!"

No, it's fucking not. You will not get any strength from the boar, or its soul, or any fucking thing of the sort because that just doesn't fucking happen. That's a maladaptive fantasy you may have kept from your childhood days until now but it's high time to get rid of it.

Near Deat Experiences is a different topic with countless testimonies about it, not that the testimonies make it real, but it makes it a topic worthy of discussion, while absolutely no one reports anything about stealing souls through murder, short of people who already had this belief system before the deed, unlike NDE experimenters, who have all sorts of beliefs and experience the same thing.

So yes, I can rule out something that has zero basis to be believed. You can quote Christopher Hitchens here. I used to have him quoted to me 50 times a day back in the day. But that one works.

>>38237370
>(Despite the tortured metaphor, I'm not underage; just melodramatic and excessively flowery and discursive.)

Do you do this because you feel like you'd be thought of as less if you used simpler language?

>>38237383

A lot of very healthy thoughts, Dan. I hope you're aware of just how good these thoughts are. I can only hope you go on coming up with these and progressing. I'm very optimistic.

The core beliefs we saw last time are the main current problem.

>>38237319
Did you ever watch someone die? I think it's a spiritual experience.

>>38237428
Am I to take it that if I found testimonies to support my position, you'd take the possibility on board? Somehow I doubt it.

>>38237471
Unfortunately, I have not. I've seen people in a 'dying state', and I found the living decay to be disgusting. I can fully imagine what you're talking about to be true though.

>>38237463
Yeah the things I'm describing are already behind me. I've abandoned this isolation fantasy for good during autumn for the reasons I explained above. Maybe it will be the same for the shit I was spewing yesterday, maybe it'll just go away with time. Then again it's been with me for some time. The running away shit was actually a symptom of these.

https://youtu.be/HaAI3jI7uCc

I used to be so much into her... It was almost cult-like. The more I think of it, the more amazed I become.

I think I know why I liked her so much. Bitch be cray cray. Some other time, I'll share embarrassing stories about that. Bit too hostile tonight.

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Seems like my parents has had enough of me being a neet, they're threatening to kick me out if i don't get back in uni or get a job, both are pretty much unsiezable.

I never considered suicide harder than today, it seems that I'll have to act before they make my life more unbearable, well, I'll try to work something out, if things don't work out i can always drown myself or something.

On a side note, i had a strange dream yesterday where a female human being who I don't know was my friend, she told me that my heart is in a pretty bad shape and that I'd die soon, not surprising seeing how all my dreams lately were about death and suicide.

My dad was bullshitting me about judgment day and shit, i didn't want to show him my fedora level so i just swallowed my pride, i don't give two shits where im going if i kill myself as long as i don't have responsibilities there, fuck, im so tired of this life and the bullshit it brings with it, i never wanted to be born.

If being in your 20s is this hard I don't want to know how bad it gets afterwards, fuck this shit.

>>38237491
>Am I to take it that if I found testimonies to support my position, you'd take the possibility on board? Somehow I doubt it.

I'd probably not believe in soul-reaping, but I could entertain the idea of people experiencing something they consider "soul-reaping" though it's something else. Yes.

As you may know, serial killers were a huge interest of mine for many years. I've read many books on the subject, including the one written by the guy who served as an advisor for Silence of the Lambs, and basically started the FBI program on serial killers. I know about the death rattle and all that, but I don't give it any supernatural qualities. From what I know of killers, when it's mentioned at all, it's projected fantasies and little more.

>>38237527

It's getting better. Just take your time. Your own pace is the best pace.

>>38237442
No, it's just a habit at this point. It's become more ingrained as I've phased out the use of my voice in favor of text based communication, on my good days.
I spend so much time ranting in my head, that I've actually started to have a harder time remembering how human beings speak to one another. The knowledge that this is happening has done little to slow the decay.
Watching TV, using forums, interacting with service employees has not seemed to help.

One of my most-played arguments, that tends to blow up relationships when people get too [whatever-it-is], is to (somewhat) intentionally interpret natural imprecision of spoken language as malfeasance and bad acting on the part of whomever I'm dealing with.
I might not even be wrong, just an asshole. I think part of what makes relationships impossible for me is my inability or unwillingness to let go of this romantic idea of non-transactional relationships. I think most people are trying to fuck me most of them time, and maybe this happens when I remember for the umpteenth time that I can't tell the difference between real and tactical affection (if there is one.) Again, knowing this alleviates none of the many deficits in my capacity to function socially.
I've strayed from the point; no, it's not for image purposes. I'm just pretty far gone.

>>38237567
Being in your 20s is the hardest.
What's preventing you from getting a job or going to college?
Also: sometimes you have to be at your lowest in order to bounce back up.

>>38237567
>On a side note, i had a strange dream yesterday where a female human being who I don't know was my friend, she told me that my heart is in a pretty bad shape and that I'd die soon, not surprising seeing how all my dreams lately were about death and suicide.
Do you know that dreaming about death usually symbolizes change? And not change as in going from being alive to being dead.

Don't take your dreams too literally. I've had dreams about shit that could easily fit into serbian snuff porn, but it doesn't mean I wanna do all of it (well, maybe some of it).

>>38237567

Hold up! A few things.

You should definitely get back to uni or get a job, and get your own place. That's about the only part I agree with your parents on. Everything else is bullshit.

Trust me, life after your parents will be a dream in comparison. Don't worry about God, no being that creates this universe will have the morality of a cunt.

Let's be practical now: what keeps you from either uni or a job?

>>38237383
>>38237383
You're much more right than wrong. I spend most of my time torturing myself with my thoughts. I just want distraction, novelty. I've made my peace with recovery or normalcy. It's also an oddly familiar story, though I'm already aware that running won't get me anywhere with my lunacy.

I've been a quasi-survivalist for a couple of years now (ironically, I suppose,) but as my preference is not communication the learning curve has been steep. I've learned lots about weaponry, energy and water filtration but not much else. In a related but different manic fantasy; I started trying to re-learn German and learn French/Swiss and dreaming about disappearing innawoods somewhere there. These dreams feel like they belonged to someone else, though. I can't muster the energy to shower anymore.

>>38237513
Yeah, the slowly dying people disgust me too.
I might have a weird fetish for death, though. The only consolation I find when visiting old people in hospitals is, "at least you're going to die soon." And I think me thinking that entitles me to some sort of post-mortem connection with whatever energy is left. It's all very spiritual and too irrational for me to take it seriously but it's there.

>>38237620
>intentionally interpret natural imprecision of spoken language as malfeasance and bad acting on the part of whomever I'm dealing with.

This happens a lot with Borderliners. The slightest thing makes them feel attacked, and they'll make you pay for it.

>I think most people are trying to fuck me most of them time,

That's the problem: you can't be constantly accused of something untrue and be able to function normally. You're imposing unfair pressure on your partner. It's bound to break the bond. But that's your fault.

I'm not as pessimistic as you are about your case. You're intelligent enough to observe how people interact and learn from there. It's only a matter of socialising more. It's not autism or anything of the sort, it's practice.

>smile
>ask questions
>listen
>ask questions about what you're learning from them
>listen more
>nod
>actually give a damn about people
>see the good and interesting in them
>enjoy the human connection
>just being with other humans, like animals in a pack

There's a lot that can be done.

>>38237670
>and learn French/Swiss

Now that's an odd one.

>>38237670
Please do not learn french, it is a form of torture and will kill you eventually.

>>38237724
We're quite alike in the sentiments you've expressed here. I find graveyards nice places to visit for similar reasons. When I was a child, the graveyard was my favourite place. I felt safe there, among the dead. There's a soothing energy.

>>38237639
I already dropped once out of uni, 2 hard 4 me, they didn't give me my desired course so why should i have to suffer in a course i didn't know shit about?
,And i applied to countless places and my friends got the job while i am still, a neet.
This if some fucking cruel joke i tell ya.

>>38237661
What's stopping me is above, added to the fact I don't give a fuck anymore, this shit's hopeless, I want a relief, something good to happen t show me that things can get better, but there's no sign, its just a downard spiral from my birth to my soon to be death.
If """"god"""" doesn't give two shits about his creations why should i?

>>38237645
Dreams aside, death is pretty much my plan B, my sunny side, knowing that whatever happens i can always hang myself and be at peace is what keeping me going lately, it's my light at the end of the tunnel or something poetic.

>>38237859

Keep applying to places; have you made sure your resume and motivation letter are spotless?

>>38237859
Death has been my light at the end of the tunnel for a while. I found a way to a better place and I sincerely hope you do too.

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>>38237670
>I spend most of my time torturing myself with my thoughts.
Yeah so do I. actually lately I've been torturing myself much less. Partly because I keep myself occupied with things like you said, distraction, novelty. I read about random things on wikipedia, actually I ordered some math books and I'm gonna brush up on analysis. Or I do vocabulary drills on language learning apps. Pretty much anything to keep my mind from being idle.

I think the most important thing is though, that if we choose to torture ourselves, we could just as easily choose to stop. My idea is to try to keep myself as busy as I can for some time, this should reduce the amount of maladaptive thoughts in my head, thus give me positive feedback. It's actually something Nick said before. If you wanna change something it's good to just try to do it for some time even if you're not convinced 100% (I know I'm not). But then when you see the positive results it convinces you. Just stop thinking about it and do it for some time, see if it works even though your mind is telling you it's bullshit. I'm not sure if I'm being clear here.

Oh man the survivalist stuff hits quite close to home. I've learned a lot about knives and axes, how to use them. A lot about wood and orientation in the woods. About guns, tools, all that other shit. It was a big obsession for some time for me. I actually have my favorite knife next to me and am playing with it (pic. related) which I got in preparation for running away.

>>38237837
Graveyards fascinate me. I've always been a fan of urban legends. I used to go to abandoned buildings or isolated places and make up stories about people dying there, or hope for ghosts to show up.
Graveyards feel like everyone's resting. It's soothing because they have found a place where they'll be forever. At least that's what I think.

>>38237952

Why is this your favourite knife?

>>38237859
>Dreams aside, death is pretty much my plan B, my sunny side, knowing that whatever happens i can always hang myself and be at peace is what keeping me going lately, it's my light at the end of the tunnel or something poetic.
Yeah, suicide ideation. I know all too well what you're talking about. For me it's like this last act that shows that I am in control and that ultimately my life is up to me. It's like this safety switch.

Though this line of thinking must be TERRIBLY unhealthy. Actually it IS terribly unhealthy. It sounds great when it's an idea, but try actually going through with it. I know I haven't been able to even when feeling the worst I fucking could have. Even if I had the "means" to do it painlessly and quickly, I just couldn't. Rather I didn't really want to.

This just kept me in place, still kinda is. With this unrealistic fantasy of taking my life to retain my pride even though it's not gonna happen. For me it's mostly a tool to justify inactivity.

>>38237970
We should go hang out in a graveyard, it'd be like my teens all over again.

>>38238017
Well I love carbon steel (much easier to sharpen even though it can rust). The blade is just long enough that you can do a lot with it without it being awkward (unlike the longer version of this knife and many other bayonet-style knives). The handle is very nice to touch and kinda heavy, which might sound like a bad thing but really improves the handling, also it doesn't really grind into your hand unlike some others. Oh and obviously the blade, it's rather thick and robust, but not too hard to be brittle. Only thing I don't really like is the sheath, it has too much useless shit on it for my taste. And the convex grind it comes with cuts so fucking well, it's very sharp. I actually love scandi-style knives (this one is finnish).

how do i get rid of irrational thoughts?
i've had this idea for a while that i'm pretty much a nonhuman being that was brought into the world for reasons that i don't know. and because i am not meant to be in the world i basically ruin the lives of everyone around me and destroy the natural order of all things no matter what i do because i am not meant to exist in this universe. i kind of know that this is all bullshit but also i can't disprove it and the longer i think about it the more likely it seems to me. there is simply nothing human about me. when i look at others i can simply "feel" that they have something that i don't which makes them human, when i look in the mirror i realize that i literally don't even look like a human being. i guess this "feeling" is the main reason why i still believe this although it objectively makes no sense.
i guess if this all were true my best option would be to kill myself but i can't do this as long as i don't know what is real. so how do i find out???

posting this is really embarrassing to me because just rereading my post i can only ask myself "how can i really believe this bullshit?". but i'll probably go back to believing it tomorrow anyways desu. please don't laugh at me.

>>38237882
That's what I'm doing and what my parents are denying me, i keep applying to places but they turn a blind eye just so they can condecend me and talk shit about how I'm lazy.

About my resume, i copied my brother's, he keeps jumping jobs and getting hired all around so i guess it's good enough, it's just my fucking luck i guess, it justs pisses me off when someone i know gets a job while im better qualified, is it my looks?
Im 6'2, i work out sometimes, im not fat or greasy/ sweaty, i have a decent face, respectable haircut, i dress nice, I don't spill of spaghetti, why can't i get a job?
Is it my fake dead smile?
My dead stare?
Is it because i have severe mental problems?

Now the hatred and jealousy are coming back, fuck this shit.

Why do the good guys always suffer?
Im kind hearted, or at least i were.
I always other's convince infront of mine.
I am not the least bit selfish.

Is this it?
Are the nice guys born to be a door mat while the asswipes of society get the special treatment and get the best jobs?

What fucking god would allow this?

Fuck this gay fucking earth, I'm taking the closest exit as soon as the opportunity arrives.


>>38238079
You chose to keep suffering, i respect that, you're brave, just remember that the Kool aid clan is always there for you.

>>38231506

Good morning nick
It's 6am here and i feel very normal and not miserable i just woke up.

Your last question made me realise my childhood 'trauma' (not really a trauma either just stupid kid and teenage drama imo) is that i spent all my time up till i was 16 being fixated on un-romantically liking someone and wanting to be their best friend, being a doormat and then tooled or disliked/ignored by them,

Then at 17 i opted to go to a vocational school further away from everyone where i wouldn't see anyone from elementary and middle school.

>>38238179
>i've had this idea for a while that i'm pretty much a nonhuman being that was brought into the world for reasons that i don't know.

This is very common in people with abusive childhoods. You may feel like an alien, a machine, a robot, a non-human. I used to refer to people as "humans" throughout school, and even today it still happens sometimes.

> i basically ruin the lives of everyone around me

I'd like precise examples of this.

Issues with your image in the mirror are a common symptoms of many things, so don't feel embarrassed.

I have no reason to laugh at you; this is very serious to me and from what I know, there's nothing funny about it. I can connect almost all of your post to various conditions and symptoms.

Any idea what makes you different from others?

Anything traumatic in your past?

>>38238086
I'm still in my teen so don't get sassy.
Local faith is all about death anyway. Hence why I like urban legends and whatnot. But I don't wanna get annoying.

>>38238179
Yeah I can see myself in this. This is gonna sound batshit insane, but I was for some time convinced that I'm actually not alive, that I'm dead but for some reason walking around among living people. Like I don't belong here, like I'm a stillborn who never realized he's dead. This sounds WAY out there, but when you really hate yourself these thoughts make their way to the surface. And when you have no one to talk to, they just reinforce themselves until they stop sounding insane.

For me it's definitely related to problems with self-image and self-hate. Do you think it could be the same for you? Do you have any idea what could have caused this?

>>38237732
Do you think it matters if I'm not accusing them of it, just holding (with great cog-dis) the belief internally a lot of the time?

The problem, as I (this exact moment) see it, is that my isolation is not from a lack of socialization but some inherent character/personality/spiritual issue. I can never have the idealized human connection that I want, so I don't want anything. I curse the good and deny the perfect.

I could be confused with an autistic these days, especially of the meme variety, and a childhood doctor suggested it heavily by my dad would not hear of his son being a retard; but, it's not that I don't get the concept of interaction. I've been forced into much more than I ever wanted. I feel like I'm going to snap for every second of it.
I went to prep school and private colleges and "Future Leader" retreats, the right boat races, the right events in the city, all that shit. I suspect it made the fall to my current wretched day to day harder, and may inform some of my paranoia, as everyone I've ever known so far has dropped me like I'm hot (not uncommon in that set when mental instability/lack of business access sets in; but it started long before, and continues still.)
>>38237754
>Now that's an odd one.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swiss_French
Kind of, it's not an overly common dialect, but it's intelligible as French, which is helpful if I ended up having to move for whatever reason, and is most likely to traffic well in the mountain areas near Geneva I was looking into.
>>38237797
Elaborate? I speak some weird Affected-Mid-Atlantic-English and Proper English hybrid natively (Dad was a Brit, Mom was from Connecticut,) took Latin and German in school, and while the German is mostly gone and the latin only academically helpful, I can't imagine French is all that much different.

Any of this power-leveling clarifying any of this? It's amazing that with all of my introspective wallowing, I can't get a decent read/grip on myself.

>>38238214
>is it my looks?

It could be your attitude during the interview. If you aren't well with yourself, people will sense it. If the jobs you apply to are front desk stuff, it will matter a whole lot.

Chances are you don't realise the kind of effect you have on others. It's too soon to say, but going by your posts here, you sound intensely negative, to the point where you make me feel bad (which is fine, I'm here for that, but an employer might not want that kind of effect on customers or workmates).

Your parents sound rather toxic and unhelpful.

What kinds of jobs do you go for?

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>>38237952
>if we choose to torture ourselves, we could just as easily choose to stop.
Ah, but for that little "if." I can't imagine that I want to be like this but I definitely invite the misery and rabbit-holes of mushy discontent on myself, and I've been burned enough to know better.
I agree about the small decisions, and the only time to start being now, one can always pull back. I just wish I could think clearly enough to reason a path to tangibly benefit my situation, but not so clearly that the haze which keeps my chipper existence going evaporates. I feel like I'm in constant internal vacillation between death-drive-NOW and life-is-precious woo. I was raised in a strangely but strictly religious household. It's just a zoo in there.

It's strange how some of use who aren't that attached to life love the survivalist stuff, it might mean something, might not. Disconnection from what makes us feel alive. My woodworking is atrocious but I did try to gain some basic competency with my meme Ka-Bar

>>38238226

I responded to your post on top of this thread.

>>38238214
>You chose to keep suffering, i respect that, you're brave, just remember that the Kool aid clan is always there for you.
So I probably wasn't clear enough. Point is, being alive doesn't have to mean suffering. It can mean suffering, it often does mean suffering, but there are many ways in which you can make sure it doesn't.

>>38238320
picture unrelated misclick
not sure in what context it would be useful but its one of many unsorted downloads
>>38238320
>>38238301
Forgot name continuing chains "Absalom"

>>38238338
Thanks.
im a chick but i dont want to fuck up your thread for being one
So yes i liked other girls in a hetero way

Also, borderline what?
I dont scribble sentences about people on my furniture anymore.
But i kinda remember the sensation i had when i did it when i was 7.

>>38238301
>Do you think it matters if I'm not accusing them of it, just holding (with great cog-dis) the belief internally a lot of the time?

If you think it, you'll show it. That's why it matters to work on your own thoughts. If you believe someone is an asshole, sooner or later, that'll come out. People feel these things.

>not from a lack of socialization but some inherent character/personality/spiritual issue.

I will ask you to challenge this thought as it does nothing but prevent you from changing things.

>I can never have the idealized human connection that I want, so I don't want anything.

Focus on this. Why do you want idealised connections? You can't have an ideal connection right away, just like you don't start a meal in a restaurant with the dessert. There's a natural order to things, and people respect it if they respect you (and aren't mentally unstable).

>Kind of, it's not an overly common dialect, but it's intelligible as French

It so happens that I am Swiss and I speak French. It's not a dialect, it's the same language, with a few words we use that the French don't, and a slightly different way to say numbers (our way makes more sense). You can learn regular French and you won't have a problem, it's the same language. And in Geneva, they speak French French more than Swiss French, but again, you can't tell the difference bar some words. That's all that changes. Some accents and some specific expressions. It's less different than American English and British English, to give you an idea, so really, it's no different. I live about 25 minutes from Geneva.

>>38237033
that is one comfy song

>>38237071
what about this process makes it bad to trust an anon on 4chan? genuinely curious, this is coming from someone seeking all kinds of advice on 4chan without 2nd thought.

>>38238442

Borderline, as in Borderline. A complex condition mainly centered around very intense emotions, estimated at five times more than normal, according to some Ph.D.

>>38238320
>I can't imagine that I want to be like this but I definitely invite the misery and rabbit-holes of mushy discontent on myself
And that's the reason I might have as well omitted the "if". What you say further is another thing I do a lot (I know I talk about myself a lot, but there is a vast intersection in what we experience). All or nothing thinking. Thing is, even small improvements can go a long way and what's better, they are absolutely sustainable long term instead of the

>O MY GAWD I MUST FIX EVERYTING RAIT NAO

Do little things, they will help you.

>I just wish I could think clearly enough to reason a path to tangibly benefit my situation
Start taking little steps and soon the path will show itself to you. You won't see it while you're standing still.

>Disconnection from what makes us feel alive
Or rather from the life that we are living. Actually people like us (nothing to lose young males with lone wolf fantasy) are REALLY hated in the survivalist/prepper community. For all the good reasons really. In a SHTF situation we would either be dead (most of us) or a very real danger.

Man I liked Ka-Bar for some time, but when I held it in my hand, it just seemed, I don't know. Not right. Kinda too clumsy, it's a combat knife, one size fits all, but it just didn't fit me. Wait what do you mean by woodworking? Like carving? With a ka-bar? Damn.

>>38238523
D-do you know what i should/can do to be happier

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>>38238549

For starters, read this and let me know if it sounds familiar or not at all.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

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>>38238314
>IT guy
>Electrician's assistant
>Electrician
>Car mechanic
>Phone guy at one of those places that reserve flights and shit.
>Security guard
>Chicken slaughter house
>Micky D's fast food joints and the equivalent
>bagger in mall
>Cashier in mall
>Sales man in mall
>Receptionist at a hotel
>I tried multiple times to get the same job at different places etc..
Nada....
Nothing

None of those ever called back after the interview, most of them never called for a fucking interview.

I came here in a good mood now i feel like hitting someone.

It feels like a chore just putting up with myself lately, i hate this borderline bullshit and i hate being alive on this earth.

>>38238506
Then it depends on how seriously you take the advice you receive.
It's easy to intentionally or non-intentionally influence a mentally ill person or push them in a bad direction. A lot of us don't know how to tell healthy from unhealthy, and relying on someone who can't be held accountable in any way is a real show of trust.

>>38238599

That's actually my apartment. LO wrote this on the wall after she destroyed everything. It's a bit cleaner now but I still sleep on that mattress.

As soon as you get your first job, it'll be easier because you'll know it's possible. Keep grinding without thinking about the outcome. You'll be surprised when you get a job, but don't worry. Just do this on automatic mode, don't invest any ego in it. Just go through the motions like a soldier and move on. It looks like this:

>send application
>go do something else
>next day, send another, do something else

Don't linger.

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>>38238722
Not many places have online applications here, i know, its [current year] wtf.
Its required to go in person in nost cases so It goes a bit like this:
>Wake up in a good mood, feel productive.
>Think about going to apply at X
>I run into one if my parents and they immediately nag me about applying for jobs
>Feel patronized and pissed and don't feel like applying anywhere anymore.

>Go back to my room and stay there for the rest of the day, come out at 2am for something to eat and then sleep.

And the cycle repeats itself every single day.
Welcome to my life, it looks shit on paper and it's much shittier executed.

I just fucking HATE being told what to do, nothing gets my blood boiling faster than that.

Ps.
Is that seriously your place?
Damn bitch did a number on it, why didn't you kill her/him/zim

>>38234076
before I post here. would you give fair advice to homosexuals?

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holy fuck dogs are the most retarded animals alive! i'm out for my jog and she keeps stopping to smell nothing. at one point she stops and I keep jogging. I hear a smash and I turn around to see she ran into a fucking garbage can because I pulled her. like ffs I had to stop my timed jog and reattach her collar cause it flew off. she walks up to me like what I do god I want to kick her stupid face, she makes me look like an idiot ans she only listens to yelling. anyway my time was ruined since I need to run for a certain amount of time and she chipped like 5 seconds off. If I don't look good by the end of this summer I swear!

>>38238936
>I run into one if my parents and they immediately nag me about applying for jobs

Make a point of saying something about it, like, "I would like both of you to stop telling me about that: I know, you tell me every day. I am looking for a job and whenever you speak to me this way, it makes things harder, not easier, so if you want to help, just stop."

>I just fucking HATE being told what to do, nothing gets my blood boiling faster than that.

You can also tell them that.

>Is that seriously your place?

No. But she did destroy a third of our plates and glasses and such, and the vacuum,
and a bunch of other things.

>>38238945
>before I post here. would you give fair advice to homosexuals?

Yes, of course. As much as I can as a heterosexual man. I've had a lot of homos here and in other places.

>>38238964
I myself dislike dgs but holy shit anon, you're mean to animals, take out your frustrations on jogging or something don't hit an animal.

>>38238945
Fags aren't allowed on 4chan anon, read the rules.
Sarcasm aside I don't give a fuck which human part you'd rather suck, just spill your guts, anon, we're all here because our lifes are shit and we need a place to complain about it.

>>38239062
I mean? she does the most retarded things it makes me look dumb and now im off my perfect jog time by 5 seconds wich means ill never be good looking. she whines she begs she looks at you like a retard. its like taking care of a child

>>38238964
That's what dogs do, you really can't expect it to not smell everything, worse if your dog is a breed that's used for hunting. You should just jog alone, and take your dog for a walk at a different time.

>>38239011
Remembering how my father threw a fit the other day and almost hit me because he THOUGHT i generalized his presence as "people" and called me a disrespectful little shit, I'd rather not talk to them about anything ever again.

It sounds fucking stupid and it it pretty fucking stupid.

We were having nice family conversation and i were talking about how far "people" will go to take away something you're attached to when he jumped on me and started accusing me for all sorts of things
i was confused, everyone else was confused, I don't think even he himself knew what he was mad about mid-yelling and decided to go with it, I wasn't even talking to him or anyone else directly.

That's the last time i spend time with that shitty broken family, I'd rather stay alone honestly it's all I've been dreaming of, a place of my own.

>>38239161
im going to have to because she is super annoying I despise dogs no idea why I haven't poisoned it yet

>>38239203

Read this.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

>>38239220
Bruv, drink cyanide.

How do you guys come to terms with having missed out on sex in your youth? It bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man that I wasn't able to fuck a ton of bitches and satisfy my biological urge to spread my seed.

Can I ever overcome this painful feeling of shame and inadequacy?

>>38238480
>That's why it matters to work on your own thoughts.
Isn't that tantamount to brainwashing myself? Skepticism aside, I do try, as I said I spend entirely too much time thinking about the inner mechanisms of my though. Nobody wants to be like this, they just arrive.
>I will ask you to challenge this thought as it does nothing but prevent you from changing things.
I'm trying to look at this from your proposed perspective but every time I was pushed to socialize my mental state degraded. Insofar as the active listening I was well trained, just fucked in the mind. I can acquire circles I need to burn bridges from. I'll never feel good doing it, never be able to hold the charade for long enough that I profited from it (financially, emotionally,) the center can't hold for long in my relationships, but I make enough of an impression, I guess, that they bother me forever.
I'm lonely, but people don't make it better. I typically maintain tight control of my actions and emotions but it always breaks, and I'll never let them see me bleed.
>Why do you want idealized connections?
I may have worded that poorly. Everyone disappoints me. I don't expect right away. I no longer believe in the spooks that made interaction tolerable . I've had people around, but I've never had real friends, not that I know of.
>informative stuff
Interesting, like I said I never got anywhere and don't know exactly why I had that particular fantasy. I was under the impression it was more pronounced, but I know little of the world outside of boxes. With no insult intended, it figures you would be Swiss with this thread.
Rare fond memories of a trip I took to Geneva once, mishmashed with daydreams of Disneyland rides, storybooks and the Sound of Music, colliding with my recurring, out-of-character but periodically burning, desire to join an Episcopal monastery and then ultimately set myself apart as a hermit in such a place.
I have nothing that appeals much now.

>>38239262
oh look some dogfag how usual ill never understand how people can be so fucking overloving of dogs. keep your love of them to yourself not everyone is required to like dogs

>>38239295
kek
>less of a man
>wasn't able to fuck a ton of bitches and satisfy my biological urge to spread my seed.

you have waaaay to much testosterone or are way to concerned with being a manly man no one cares how much "seed" you spread

>>38239295
>How do you guys come to terms with having missed out on sex in your youth?

One way is to imagine that people who did have sex in their youth may have more to regret now, since all these years are gone and can only haunt them now, whereas for you, it'll always be better in the future.

>It bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man that I wasn't able to fuck a ton of bitches and satisfy my biological urge to spread my seed.

Too many dank memes here. If you base your manhood on things like this, you put yourself on a low level already. Don't. The idea that men should be valued on things like that was never suggested by friends of men.

Besides, men who did have sex and have sex a lot don't think much of having sex and won't value on it. The key is to be proud of what you do, without turning your flaws into trophies. It's fine to be discontent with not having had as much sex as you wish you had, but don't make it a huge thing.

It really isn't that big a deal. You'll realise this as you get older.

>>38239220
Why the fuck did you got a dog to begin with?

>>38238581
i spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to type this but keept getting an error when i post.
so i put my reply on pastebin
https://pastebin.com/uZnAhSP9

p-please look

>>38239386
I didnt want the dog my parents did they love thing thing more then me ffs

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>>38239242
Few points off but those describe my parents accurately, it's pathetic seeing how predictable the human race has become now that every mental state and personality has been documented.

Excuse my fedore but...
If there is a god he's pretty pathetic for having pretty shit creativity, it can't even create anything original beyond this point.

>>38239301
>Isn't that tantamount to brainwashing myself?

No, because you're conscious of what you're doing. It's more like reprogramming, which your brain is good at.

>Skepticism aside, I do try, as I said I spend entirely too much time thinking about the inner mechanisms of my though. Nobody wants to be like this, they just arrive.

We may not mean the same things here.

> I'll never feel good doing it, never be able to hold the charade for long enough that I profited from it (financially, emotionally,)

Because you're not supposed to do it as a charade. It'll only work once you enjoy it like any other person.

Profit from it for what it is, not for secondary gains.

Let them see you bleed. All they'd do is give you bandages and ask if you're OK.

As to people, chances are you hold them to impossible standards, to make sure you never try a relationship with friends or lovers. It's more secure that way, but you're punishing yourself.

> I was under the impression it was more pronounced

French people don't know if I'm Swiss or French until I tell them.

>With no insult intended, it figures you would be Swiss with this thread.

I wouldn't have imagined an insult there, but I don't actually get it. Because it's psychology and Jung was Swiss, like Piaget?

>>38239203
we all have abusive parents and families and brothers and friends get over it you arent special

>>38239444
So its your parents dog, you don't have to take care of it, just act as if it didn't exist.

>>38239454
Not nick but how is that a bad thing? If anything this means we can actually study behavioural patterns in people and better learn how to deal with them.

Sometimes I wish human relationships came in the form of a pokedex, then i'd know what to say/do with every different type of person.

But figuring out peoples' personalities can also be interesting i guess.

>>38239426

I read it all. Keep in mind you don't have to have all the symptoms. I only have some very specific ones, similar to yours, I think.

I will soon go to bed, but here's the e-mail address I use for this thread; you can always write: [email protected]

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I always worry waaaay too much about everything and over-think shit. I'm just so sensitive to anything negative like people making sly remarks that don't mean much.

>>38238537
I see it, we're probably similar in many ways. Venues like this are self selecting.

I've had periods where I do the little things, I know they help. My words betray my current impotent piteous existence but I know what you're saying has elements of truth. Every time I fall back down its harder to convince myself to try again, though. Are you/were you in this cycle or pretty steadily crawling out at this point?

Yeah, I know that, people with little to lose are what they're prepping against. Fuck 'em.

I dunno if I liked it, like I said I never really got any knife competency. The ka-bar and the woodworking were different failures using blades. While my ability to win a knife fight would depend on what accident befell my opponent at the right time, other tools for blades weren't great friends of mine either. Couldn't craft wood tools/cogs worth shit, couldn't build furniture, terribly inefficient at clearing landings. The wood tools thing I got over when I got a 3d printer but ultimately it's clear why I can't actually thrive should the SHTF.

>>38239500
kek no im responsible for its walks or I get in trouble how did you think of that anyway I have to deal with it most of the time. im the lazy one im the bad guy

>>38239454
>Few points off but those describe my parents accurately, it's pathetic seeing how predictable the human race has become now that every mental state and personality has been documented.

It's not pathetic, it's awesome. It'll make you feel empowered when you can easily determine what's going on.

As to personalities and mental illnesses, we have models, but it'll never completely fit a person, depending on the type. It remains fascinating and absolutely beyond the imagination.

As to God, I lost my faith, but used to think He was coparticipant to his Creation, as are we. The universe is obviously doing something, evolution and all. We're going somewhere. Life, as in biological entities, is fascinating.

>>38239485

Factually wrong. Not sure why every abused person really wants everyone else to be just like them.

Most people don't suffer abuse.

>>38239535

YouTube "people pleaser" and Richard Grannon.

>>38239585
ive seen many people who are abused in my trips to the hospital. I keep having to go cause my dad says im insane

>>38239643
You want to kill your dog so your dad really isn't that wrong. Why do they make you take care of the dog if it is their dog?

Well, i said all I wanted and don't have the determination to lurk, so see you some other date when i may feel better or worse, i may fake going to apply somewhere tomorrow just to get my parents to shut the fuck up for a while.

As for now, thanks nick and other name and tripfags, you're doing God's work.

>>38239478
>Because you're not supposed to do it as a charade. It'll only work once you enjoy it like any other person.
Any thoughts on how to get there? I'm unfortunately not one of the kids posting on here, the writing is on the wall regarding my severely capped upside in life. I've burned most of the people I would have wanted to know. I only attract leeches, or that's how it seems internally.
>Let them see you bleed. All they'd do is give you bandages and ask if you're OK.
Man, the Swiss must be friendly. I dunno, something about your demeanor seems Swiss; but yes, the illusion was to the Jungian/Freudian tacks you often tack and the glut of developmental psychologists from your land. I often soften statements that don't need to be softened.

>>38239688
cause im the bad guy if I dont they yell at me and tell me im lazy and do nothing. also you dont know me he is the one who made me this way asshole. ohhhhh the poor dog what is with people and dogs anyway

>>38239695

Have courage, things will only improve.

>>38239699
>Man, the Swiss must be friendly.

Most of the people I hang out with aren't Swiss. But when people see you wounded, they tend to want to care.

>>38239735
I don't really care about the dog, i just wanted to know why they make you take care of it. Why do they think you are a "bad guy"?

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>>38239743
The only way off this downward spiral is jumping off.

>>38239802
cause if I didnt my mom would scream at me call me lazy and say I can find a new house im expected to take her I cant talk back like you spoiled people

>>38239829

Hold on, it will be over sooner than you imagine. One day, not too far, maybe even much closer than you know, you'll be glad that you went through it all.

It can be very easy:

>find a job
>move out
>king of your own life
>do whatever you want

I really hope you find a job soon. There's work to do, but we can do it. Read more about emotional abuse, it's the worst form of abuse in my opinion.

>>38239845
Well save money and buy/rent an aparment so you can forget about your parents and the dog.

im having a big mood swing cause I have to take care of the dog my brother and my grandma.
im really not happy
and im on multiple rants its so hard not to yell
I told a couple on the street that they are gross and ran.
hugging and kissing like animals I cant stop shaking but if I yell like my dad does then im the crazy one oh do we need to take you to the hospital again. if they take me thier ill kill the nurses

>>38239536
>Are you/were you in this cycle or pretty steadily crawling out at this point?
I'm still in the cycle. Sometimes I regress, sometimes I go forward. Nowadays more forward than backwards. I'd say it's a slow crawl with some bumps. And also sometimes some surprisingly big improvements seemingly out of nowhere.

Man knife fights are dumb. I mean when both sides have a knife, it can't end well for either of them, both are getting fucked.

As for woodworking skills it's mostly practice. Don't beat yourself up.

>>38239961

Where's the hardbass and chips?

>>38240003
Probably trying to eat all of the chips. Oh wait, I can't say that, that's Facets arena I'm getting into.

Maybe he's getting raped by some hot woman.

>>38240032

I wasn't talking about Atlas, hehehe. I guess you like hardbass too, no?

>>38239940
What the fuck do your parents do that you have to do all their job?

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Speaking of which:
Hey Atlas! The thought of you trying to find your dick reminds me of a pig hunting for truffles!

>>38240264

Goddam...

That sort of implies looking for it with your face...

>>38240247
They call me lazy and usless if i dont do stuff for them my mom has a disability and uses that to hold over everyones head and my dad expects perfect clean and everything finished for him. My anger episode is over i took a pill and scribbled in my angry journal.

>>38240347
Looking for it with his own face surely?

>>38239363
>>38239382

Thanks guys.

Your words are reassuring. I guess it's just one of those things where if you aren't getting any then it becomes a HUGE deal, but if you have a normal supply it becomes fairly mundane.

It makes me think of how plentiful food is in the first world, and how much I take it for granted.

>>38240473

That requires either amazing flexibility or a long truffle.

Time for me to go remove my lenses, if I can, and sleep. Nighty y'all.

>>38240558
Sleep well, then.

>>38240446
Furthermore im sorry for the mean shit I just was haveing a bad mood swing im better now. Ive got undiagnosed personality disorder the docs are throwing around they think bpd is what they will settle on but arent sure. They also said mild psychopath or traits but again the mental health field takes its sweet damn time.