Anonymous in Equestria Thread #1121 Fuck You it's Late Edition.

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Sandwiches.

>>29999810
Do you think he puts Rarity's horn in Trixie's mouth while they are sleeping?

>>29999810

So how is that BROS/FM crossover coming?

>>29999810
That was close

>>29999810
>Cadence, when she was a pegasus, had a shy, outcast friend.
>Anon.
>She ascends after kicking the crap out of her village enemy (per her backstory).
>However...
>When Celestia arrives to take her away as a pupil, she says she "can't just leave Anon!"
>After some coaxing, Anon reveals himself from the bushes.
>Celestia is stunned: a human of all things, here? And a 'foal' to boot!
>Given that he's an orphan, courtesy of being displaced, she takes him on as her ward as with Cadence.
>Humans are mysterious, and not much is known about them.
>Throughout legend, when encountered, they have varied from being horrifically cruel to kindness matched only by the Element Kindness, but they always impart a valuable moral or lesson.
>They're pretty much our fae, boggarts, and tricksters in folklore thrown into a blender to Equestrians.
>To help raise a young human, to learn more about them as well as potentially forging ties with his kind?
>Too good an opportunity to pass up.
>That, and Celestia didn't want to separate friends.
>Years pass, and Cadence and Anon are as thick as thieves.
>Celestia, although she cares for Anon greatly, also keeps a keen eye on him, mostly to learn.
>She notices that when good or bad things happen around Anon, it always seems to be in a way where a lesson is learnt.
>She also wonders, a lot of the time, if Anon perceives things that they don't...

>>30000200
What's going on with her face? Is it made of that shitty soft rubber foam that always disintegrates within a couple of months?

Remember, you are not a lost cause.
You matter.
And you matter to me.
I know things are hard sometimes and you feel like no one cares about you.
But I care.
I care a lot.
I want you to be happy with yourself.
I want you to succeed.
And I want you to know you are fine just the way you are.
I love you Anon and I am proud of you.
Like a father should be.

>>30001199
That's what happen when a fluffy, squishy pegasus meet a diamond-hard sandwich.
Even an hydraulic presses bend against the might of the HMD (Ham, Mozarella, Dandelion).

>>30001199
They are all made out of that foam.
If you ever get to go remember to bring lubrication to prevent chafing.

>>30001515
>If you ever get to go remember to bring lubrication to prevent chafing.

Isn't that what the mayonnaise is for?

>>30001547
If that's your thing.

>>30001199
Not her fault. The foam is a peanut butter derivative.

>>30001467
Now I'm hungry.

>>30000200
This thread needs more sandwiches. Pictures or green. Either works.

>>30002297
Y-(you) too

>>30000868
intradasting

>>30000868
I'm down for green

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>>30001424

>>30000868
It's Cadance.

>>30004440
No, is Ivan.

>>30005604
Ivan's not home

boom

>>30005868
All ponies are secretly Ivan in disguise. Don't let yourself be fooled.

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>>30000200
Do (you) want a sandwich

>>30006144
Nice dubs and more sandwich green when

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>>30000200
>next day

>>30006324
I know that feel

>>30000200
What about when Anon switches from cropping and sandwiches to anthro and EQG?

>>30006950
An sperg will probably be triggered

>>30007726
Good, good.

>>30006324
>>30006742
M-me too

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Still waiting ponynet story

>>30008736
what the fuck is ponynet

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>>30009056
Your mama's asshole

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>>30009074
Epic post, my man

>>30009161

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>pg

Here, have some greentext I wrote for /luna/.

>>30010320

>>30010800
neat

>>30009161
That two punches bby

Continued from >>29983303
Pastebin: https://pastebin.com/5gQ5hMeU

-----

>The pegasus stallion before you smiles.
>"Thank you Anonymous!"
"Anytime."
>He doesn't waste any time unfurling his wings and taking to the sky.
>With him out of the way the next pony takes his place, an earth pony stallion.
>"Hello Anonymous! How's it going?"
>You smile, raising a tired hand.
"Good. It's been a long day, but good."
>He nods in understanding, not moving an inch.
>*Boop*
>"Thank you Anonymous!"
"Anytime."
>If you lean over to the side you can see the line stretching far, far back.
>You've been here all day and you swear it hasn't gotten any shorter.
>Well, that indicates just how much ponies love being booped.
>In a little over two weeks you've gone from ponies cautiously approaching you, to the same ones visiting you nearly every day.
>After ponies saw your first public display of booping, word spread fast of your talent.
>With each passing day, more and more ponies came up to you.
>Of course there was the initial dilemma that was plaguing you: ponies only interested in your hands.
>You gave it some serious thought and eventually came to a reasonable conclusion.
>Rarity was right.
>You have to start somewhere.
>So here you've been at this bench for the past who-knows-how-many hours, giving delicate nose presses to anyone who wants one.
>And good god, there are a LOT of ponies who want one.
>You've been hungry for some time now, but you're not letting up until everyone is satisfied.
>*Boop*
>"Thank you Anonymous!"
"Anytime"
>You continue the arduous task of touching noses, idly wondering when the line will finish.
>You didn't even have breakfast.
>A familiar pony walks past the line to approach you, breaking your autopilot.
"Hello again."
>"Goodness Anonymous, are you /still/ booping ponies?"
>That better be a rhetorical question, Rarity.
"Yup."
>She looks down the line.
>"The line hasn't moved at all since earlier!"
"Oh it has."

>>30012399
>*Boop*
>"Thank you Anonymous!"
"Anytime."
>Rarity looks at you in disbelief.
>"How do you plan on servicing every single pony?"
"One at a time?"
>Rarity glares at you.
>Ask stupid questions...
>Her annoyance shifts into concern as she gets a better look at you.
>"Have you taken a break at all today?"
>You shake your head, raising a hand to administer another boop.
"Nope, haven't had any free time."
>"Anon, I understand your desire to, uh, 'help' others--"
>Does she really?
>"--but you shouldn't run yourself ragged in the process."
>Rarity once again looks down the queue.
>"I'm sure everypony can wait until tomo--"
>"Thanks Anonymous! You're the best!"
>You chuckle.
"Anytime."
>Rarity shoots the offending mare a glare that would vaporize all but the most oblivious of ponies.
>"...As I was /saying/, I'm sure everypony can wait until tomorrow, when you're well rested."
"I'm fine, Rarity. Hungry but otherwise fine."
>She gasps.
>"That's right, you didn't eat breakfast! You've gone the entire day without eating!"
"I won't collapse just because I missed a few... Wait a second, weren't you here earlier?"
>You're referring to the light-aquamarine unicorn waiting her turn to be booped.
>"I was! It's worth the wait for a second turn!"
>She didn't cut in line or anything, so...
>*Boop*
>She giggles.
>"Thanks again!"
"Of course."
>Rarity waits patiently until the mare trots away. Before the next pony can step up, she walks in front of them.
"What are you doing?"
>She pays no mind to you.
>Clearing her throat, she projects her next words loudly to the queue.
>"Attention everypony! As of this moment, Anonymous is done for the day! He apologizes to anypony who did not get a chance to be booped! Thank you and have a wonderful day!"
>You can hear groans and 'aww's coming from the line, but the ponies reluctantly start to disperse.
>Rarity watches her work for a few seconds before turning back to you, a smug smile on her face.
>"There, now you can get some food!"

>>30012403
>You grimace.
"I'd rather get the respect of this town."
>She looks at you like you've suddenly grown three heads.
>"Have you not noticed lately? Almost everypony is talking about you!... Positive remarks, of course."
>You're actually not surprised to hear that.
>...Nor are you happy.
"And what exactly are they saying about me?"
>Rarity balks.
>"Oh... you know, how amazing you are... and other things! My memory is a bit fuzzy but I assure you they are all superb!"
>...
>You knew it was coming.
>No one to blame but yourself.
"Of course they are. I'm willing to bet that each and every single compliment involves /these/."
>You waggle your fingers.
>"Well, not ALL of them but... yes, most do tend to gravitate towards your talent."
>You sigh, leaning back against the bench.
"You /know/ that's exactly what I didn't want... At first. Thing is, you were right. I'll take this over the alternative."
>Rarity is curious now.
>"Over what?"
"Not having ponies talk to me or give me the time of day."
>It's like your sentence hit her over the head. She stares at you, lost for words.
>You hope it gets through to her.
>When you arrived here, you figured you'd get over the hushed voices and stares in no time.
>Nope.
>Sure you're not dealing with humans, but ponies can act just like 'em.
>Sure there are a few ponies you casually converse with, but that doesn't solve the big problem.
>You're not going to speak it; mainly because of your stupid pride and also because you don't want to look like a little bitch.
>But you hope she understands now.
>You just want to be accepted.
>And if it means being acknowledged for the wrong reasons, then so be it.
>...
>Rarity shifts on her hooves, a somber expression on her face.
>"...I'm sorry Anonymous."
>What.
>What the /hell/ could she apologize for?

>>30012405
"For what?"
>"This is not the first time you've brought up these grievances. Twilight and I were hesitant to intervene because she was hoping everypony merely needed time to adjust... I told you of Zecora, yes?"
>You nod.
>"We came to a conclusion: if Ponyville could befriend Zecora after a rocky start, surely they could do so again with you. Unfortunately, that did not go as planned. You're just too..."
"Alien."
>Rarity winces.
>"I was thinking more along the line of 'unique'. The closest other... being you resemble is a minotaur and most of Ponyville's citizens have never seen one."
>Oh right, minotaurs are a thing here.
>"Anonymous, I offer my sincerest apologizes for not listening to you sooner. You ARE a citizen of Ponyville and you deserve to be treated like one."
>Uhhh...
>You drum your fingers.
"Yea... Thanks for the apology but there's nothing to apologize /for/. You didn't do anything wrong. You can't change human nature... Pony nature... how pony's react. You get what I mean."
>"No, I suppose we cannot. However, what we CAN change is their opinion of you."
>Another waggle of your fingers.
"That's what these are for."
>"No Anonymous, you were right. There is much more to you than booping and Ponyville needs to know that!"
>Rarity scrunches her face in thought.
>Suddenly her face lights up.
>"I do believe now is the perfect time for such an event! Anonymous, booping ponies may have worked out better than we thought!"
"Event? What event?"
>Rarity grins.
>"Why, a party of course!"
-----

>You watch the Spa Sisters walk away, their excitement hard to contain.
>You have to admit, it was a smart business decision to seek you out.
>Their first request of charging for boops was declined. There's no way in hell you're making ponies pay for that.
>Luckily for them that's not the only thing you're capable of.
>So after a "brief" demonstration, they were all too eager to acquire you.
>You're getting paid to pet ponies. What's not to love?

>>30012411
>It can barely be considered "work", making this a win-win situation.
>You can start earning your own cash, or "bits" as they're called. Odd jobs certainly aren't enough to pay Rarity back.
>From your seat in front of the Town Hall you take a bite of another godly cupcake.
>You don't know how many you ate today and you don't want to know.
>Pinkie should be around here somewhere. You need to find her.
>Based off of the turnout and general mood, you'd say today's party was a huge success.
>Turns out Pinkie wanted to do this the same week your stay was confirmed but Twilight advised against it, wanting to instead ease you in.
>You actually agree with her decision.
>A party so soon for something no one has ever seen before would probably not end well.
>But now...
>Rarity explained to you that with the town being much more welcoming of you (thanks to your booping), they would be less averse to learning about you.
>And she was one-hundred percent correct.
>The 'Welcome to Ponyville, Anon!' Party started off with something you weren't exactly comfortable with.
>A good ol' Q&A.
>You just wanted ponies to be less wary of you. The town doesn't need your goddamn life story.
>You voiced your complaint of "Twilight can just tell them about me", only to be shut down.
>Your pony pals wanted YOU to ease whatever concerns or curiosity ponies have.
>And boy there were a LOT.
>'Why are your claws so soft?'
>'Why do you wear clothes?'
>'Are you sure you don't use magic?'
>'Your eyes are so small!'
>'Do you have a Cutie Mark in booping?'
>All the questions they kept to themselves came rushing out over the course of two hours.
>You'll admit you ended up enjoying it. Although the focus was on you, it felt like one big group discussion.
>Afterwards, Twilight gave a little speech on accepting you as a citizen of Ponyville along with telling them to remember that you're more than just a boop machine.
>Hardly the mare to talk, but whatever.

>>30012415
>You could see a few sheepish glances made towards you when she said that remark.
>Nothing surprising.
>With the main event out of the way, it turned into a regular party. Refreshments, music, games, the works.
>You were hoping the Q&A would eventually encourage ponies to approach you for more than just booping.
>What you didn't expect was for it to occur on the same /day/.
>You swear a switch was flipped in them.
>Ponies casually approaching you, greeting you as though you've been an acquaintance for years.
>Incredible.
>So here you sit, watching the party wind down as you polish off a cupcake.
>Fucking /hell/ these are good.
>"Have a good day, Anon!"
"You too!"
>You give a friendly farewell to a passing unicorn.
>Man they're quick to adopt your shortened name.
>You hear the front door open but choose not to turn around, instead mourning the loss of your cupcake.
>"I'd say this party turned out to be a success."
>You don't have to turn far to see the two mares standing beside you.
>...Well, one is standing. The other is bouncing in place.
>"Everypony had cookies, cupcakes, and got to know Anon! Of COURSE it was a success!"
>Twilight directs her attention to you.
>"Everything going okay, Anonymous?"
>You fix yourself so you're properly facing her and Pinkie.
"Absolutely fantastic. I was actually about to look for you, Pinkie."
>Pinkie stops her bouncing before giving you a salute.
>"Pinkamena Diane Pie reporting for duty! What do you need, Anon?"
>Holy shit, is that her full name?
"I need to thank you. Rarity said parties are your specialty and yea, you didn't disappoint to say the least. So... thank you for the party. It was incredible."
>Pinkie gives you a blinding smile.

>>30012420
>"Anything to help Ponyville's best human--"
"Only human."
>"BEST human! I've been waiting /so/ long for a chance to throw you a party! I wanted to the very second you got here but Twilight was all like 'no parties Pinkie Pie, he needs time to adjust.' and I was all like 'but a party will help Anon adjust faster!' but then she was like 'you'll get a chance to have a party later' and I was like 'I guess you're right...' and guess what? IT'S 'LATER'!!!"
>Your mind is reeling at the variety of emotions she just went through.
>How does she do it?
>Apparently Twilight is used to Pinkie's antics because she shakes her head in amusement.
>"We had to take precautions, Pinkie. You understand that."
>"Well DUUUH, but I was still /really/ sad about it. Everypony deserves a party and now Anon has one!"
>A burst of confetti suddenly rains down upon the three of you.
>Pinkie and her Party Cannon...
>You brush pieces of scrap paper off your head.
"Again, I really do appreciate it."
>"Don't worry Anon, no need to thank me! I can see the gratefulness in your eyes."
>With that said, she proceeds to lean dangerously close to you until her face is the only thing you can see.
>You're frozen to the spot as she stares deep into your eyes.
>It's like she's looking into your soul...
>"Yup, right overrrr... there!"
>She grins.
>"Surprise hug!"
>Before you can react, Pinkie reaches out and wraps her forelegs around you, trapping your arms.
>You can't help but lock up as she squeezes you tighter.
>Twilight must see the shock on your face because her horn lights up, causing a purple aura to appear around Pinkie.
>That only makes her tighten her hold.
>"NOT YET! I'm not done with my Welcome-to-Ponyville hug!"
>Twilight looks to you for your input.
"It's fine."
>Pinkie's forwardness throws you off, mainly because the two of you don't talk much. And by 'much' you mean 'at all'.
>Yet here she is treating you like a close friend.

>>30012428
>You guess that's to be expected of someone whose talent is parties.
>With a little difficulty you manage to extract an arm from her grip. Once it's free, you bring it to wrap around her back, returning the hug.
>...
>So do pony hugs last longer than human hugs or what.
>As if to add to the mystery, you hear Pinkie sigh.
>...
>Alright, this is downright weird.
>She's practically resting on you now.
>You look to Book Horse for assistance, taking occasional peeks at Pinkie to signal what you want.
>After a few confused seconds, Twilight nods in understanding.
>"I think that's enough hugging for today, Pinkie."
>The familiar aura appears around Pinkie, slowly dragging her away.
>"NOOOOO!!!"
>You lurch forward as Pinkie's iron grip pulls you with her.
>/Fucking hell/ she's strong.
>With your free arm you reach up to touch the back of her neck, scratching it.
>Just as planned, Pinkie bursts into giggles. Her hold weakens, allowing Twilight to fully pull her off of you.
>Pinkie is deposited next to Twilight, her giggling fit dying down.
>"Awwwww. You give /really/ good hugs, Anon!"
"...Do I?"
>You've never had anyone compliment your hugs. Of course you never hugged much, but that's beside the point.
>It's an unusual thing to notice, really.
>"Yea, it's like... being wrapped up in a warm blanket on a cold winter day with a snowstorm roaring outside! Oh, and there's a fire in the fireplace!... And you have a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it, but not too many! Two is enough."
>...
>That is oddly specific.
>Pinkie gasps.
>"I have a GREAT idea! We should make hugging our special greeting! That way whenever we meet I get a hug, you get a hug, EVERYPONY gets a hug!"
>Another burst of confetti.
"Uhh..."
>"Then it's settled! Hugs for everypony!"
>You're at a loss for words now.
>Another gasp.
>"I almost forgot! I need to box some cupcakes for Ms. Cheerilee! Bye Twilight, bye Anon! Don't forget our new special greeting!"

>>30012434
>"See you later."
"Bye..."
>Pinkie bounces back to the Town Hall entrance, leaving you and Twilight alone.
>...
>What the fuck just happened?
>Is this to be expected upon prolonged exposure to Pinkie?
>You need a drink.
>"So Anon, about that hug..."
>You look back to Twilight.
>She's got a glint in her eye.
>The same one she gets when she discovers something new.
>You don't like where this is going.
"What about it?"
>"There may be something more to it than Pinkie being Pinkie."
>More? What more could there possibly be to--
>...
>Oh no.
>Oh god no.
-----

"This is absolutely ridiculous, and I say that with full knowledge of what /these/ babies can do."
>You point to each hand.
>"Ridiculous or not, recent evidence strongly points towards it."
"You only have one pony to go off of, and it's Pinkie. PINKIE."
>Twilight pauses from her writing to look at you.
>"You're right, Anonymous. That's why we're trying it again with a different pony."
>Your expression falls flat.
"I know that. Stop avoiding the real problem."
>"What about Pinkie?"
>You know she's Twilight's friend, but come on.
"Are you really gonna make me say it?"
>"Pinkie doesn't exaggerate how she feels. If she really liked your hug, she really liked your hug."
>Enough to try and get one out of you every time you see each other.
>You roll your eyes.
"She 'really likes' everything."
>"She's also never enjoyed a hug so much she tried to make it the only way of greeting somepony!"
"Really? That seems like something she would've done by now."
>Twilight groans.
>"Anonymous, can you please entertain this idea? If not for yourself, then at least for me?"
>She finishes that up with a pleading look.
>God you hate when they do that. It should be illegal to pull that on you.
>Worst part is you can't even tell if she's doing it on purpose, unlike Rainbow Dash who always does so when she wants shit from you.
>Nah, you know Book Horse means well.
>Curse you, heart.

>>30012442
"Fine, Twilight. If science requires that I hug ponies--"
>You grimace.
"--then hug ponies I shall."
>You're not even opposed to testing it out. It's the concept that sounds absurd.
>Yea. Despite having the ability to make ponies happy and calm with just the touch of a hand, there are /still/ things you deem ridiculous.
>The main reason you're dubious is that hugging does not require hands at all. Your other two talents use 'em, but a hug is just close contact.
>Twilight beams at you.
>"Thank you!"
>You wave a hand dismissively.
>When is this test subject going to show up?
>Why are you waiting for someone else when there's a perfectly willing recipient sitting not far from you?
"Can't you try this out yourself?"
>Twilight stiffens up before sighing.
>"As much as I would like to, it's better if somepony else takes over."
>That didn't actually answer your question.
>*THUD*
>You flinch as a deafening bang erupts from the library door, the poor piece of wood almost caving inward from whatever struck it.
>The fuck?
"I'll get it."
>You stand up, making your way to the still-vibrating door.
>Opening it reveals...
>...
>Rainbow Dash?
>She's currently sitting poorly, wings and hind legs sprawled out as her head spins.
>You swear her eyes are spinning as well.
>It's like she came straight out of a cartoon. All that's left are the circling birds.
>Did she crash into the door?
"Are you okay?"
>"...Wha?"
>She sounds waaaaay out of it.
>You're definitely concerned now.
>If that loud-as-fuck bang was any indication, she hit the door REALLY hard. Concussion-hard.
"Can you walk?"
>You watch as Skittles attempts to rise, legs straining to support her weight.
>With an 'oomph' she tilts over, landing on her side.
>"Just... give me a minute..."
>Her eyes are still spinning.
>How is she still talking?
>Fucking hell, stop standing around and help her!
>Twilight is smart, she can probably figure out if Dash needs medical attention.

>>30012454
>You bend down to take her in your arms, fixing your hold so her head rests behind yours.
>Wow, she's surprisingly light.
>Once she's secured, you close the door before speed-walking back to Book Horse.
"I think she hit her head pretty hard."
>To your shock, Twilight is unfazed.
>"Rainbow Dash does that a lot. She just needs time to recover."
>Yea, time to recover in a fucking hospital.
>Has she gone nutters?
"She couldn't even stand up properly. Where's the hospital again?"
>"Anonymous, Dash shakes off injuries like this all the time. Wait a few minutes and you'll see."
"Are you mad? How do you shake off a fucking concussion???"
>"She doesn't HAVE a concussion!"
>As if to prove her point, you feel Dash shifting in your arms.
>"Anon... Anon?"
>She tenses up.
>"ANON! What are you doing?!? Why are you holding me???"
>...
>Talk about zero to one hundred.
"Are you feeling better?"
>"YES!!! I'm not a foal, don't treat me like one!"
>For how pissed off she sounds, you expected a lot more resistance in the form of struggling to break free from your hold.
>Yet Dash doesn't move an inch.
>Does she think you're stronger than her?
>.../Are/ you stronger than her? Stronger than ponies overall?
>That's something for another day, Anon.
>You lower yourself until she drops out of your arms, landing gracefully on the wooden floor.
>She proceeds to glare at you but it doesn't feel natural.
>...You have many questions.
"How the hell do you walk off something like that?"
>"That? That was nothing! Besides, I'm pretty tough. You can't let minor scrapes and bruises get in the way of being the best flyer."
>She pockets her glare in favor of a grin, sticking her chest out with pride.
>...
>You /seriously/ do not get these ponies.
>Are they secretly indestructible?
"If I hit my head even half as hard as you did, there's a good chance I wouldn't walk again. Or have another conscious thought again."
>Dash looks at you with concern.
>"Are you /that/ fragile?"

>>30012460
"Anything would look frail compared to you."
>Shit, you just broke the first rule of conversing with Skittles.
>Never, EVER feed her ego.
>Dash chuckles, bringing a hoof to her chest.
>"Yea! I guess they would!"
>Thank goodness, you got off easy.
>Twilight loudly clears her throat, drawing your attention to her.
>"Glad you could join us, Dash, although you're a few minutes late."
>"That's why I was rushing here! Tried to slow down a few inches too late."
>'Join us'?
>...
>You glance down to Dash.
"You volunteered to help today?"
>"Yea, Twilight said she needed somepony to help with figuring out your new power or something like that."
>"I said--"
>"So I thought about it and decided, hey, what if it's something even BETTER than booping?"
"...Did Twilight tell you what's being done today?"
>You raise an eyebrow at the lavender unicorn, who frowns.
>"I tried, but she flew away before I could explain."
>Dash scoffs.
>"C'mon Twilight, it's Anon! I'm sure it's nothing."
>There's a pregnant pause, then Dash speaks up.
>"...Uh, what exactly /are/ we doing?"
>Here we go...
>Twilight doesn't hesitate to lay the truth on Skittles.
>"We're testing to see the effect Anon's hugging has on ponies."
>Holy shit, that sounds even more absurd when vocalized.
>Rainbow Dash blinks a few times, unable to process what she just heard.
>"...'Hugging'???"
"Yup."
>She shakes her head, clearly baffled.
>"I'm not-- That doesn't make any sense!"
"Tell me about it."
>"You said only your hands were special."
"That's what I thought too. Look Skittles--"
>Don't laugh, she'll only get even more annoyed.
"--either you're in or you're not. We can always find someone else to help."
>"I dunno..."
>Her nose wrinkles as she considers her choices.
>You're expecting her to lean towards declination. She doesn't strike you as the touchy-feely type.
>"This isn't for me. Sorry guys."

>>30012466
>It's impossible to miss the reluctance in her tone.
>Her body also sags a little, as though she herself is disappointed in her answer.
>You can't help but prod for information.
"Why not?"
>"It's not that I don't want to help, it's just... They're not my thing, you know?"
>Figured.
>Still, she looks far too morose for someone who prefers not to get hugged.
>Even her ears are drooping.
>You're having a hard time believing she picked the "correct" choice.
"You may not want a hug, but your current mood tells me you need one."
>Dash looks up at you in confusion.
>"What?"
>You spread your arms in a welcoming gesture.
"Come here, you!"
>Dash watches with growing apprehension as you crouch down, taking to one knee.
>It's only when you're arms are about to surround her that she understands.
>"Hey! Don't you dare!"
>Her wings flare out but they do nothing to block your advance.
>Shhh, no tears.
>Only hugs.
>Your arms close around Skittles, resting lightly on her back.
>Checkmate.
>Dash's coat is even less soft than Twilight's. Still just as warm.
>You were surprised when she declined trying out your new pett-- massage treatment even after being told of the effects; her reasoning being she's more interested in the rush gained from booping.
>You wait for a possible retaliation attack but none comes.
>She's probably waiting for you to get it over with.
>Similar to when you held her, she's motionless.
>You should arm wrestle with her sometime. You bet you'd win.
>Seconds pass, and you decide to take peek at Twilight's reaction.
>Book Horse is watching intently, eye's wide with discovery as an aura-covered quill races across paper.
>...You'll never understand the information she manages to extract from these events.
>It's at this moment you feel Dash shift.
>Only instead of backing away... she leans into you.
>Just like Pinkie Pie.
>Goddammit.
>So now it's not just your hands that ponies like, but your arms?
>This is so weird.

>>30012476
>...How long are you supposed to keep this up?
>You observe Dash's wings as they bend forward, immediately followed by a light touch on your sides.
>Is she trying to return the hug with her wings?
>...
>God DAMN that shit is cute.
>You're curious to know if all pegasi do this. Luna did something similar.
>While you're a bit too large for her to completely envelop you, it's the thought that counts.
>'Not my thing' your ass.
>An unknown period of time passes by, with only the sound of quill meeting paper being heard.
>You'd be content to stay in this position for longer but your knee is getting sore.
>Thus, you tap lightly on Dash's side.
"I need a break."
>Thankfully Dash is not Pinkie, and after a moment her wings return to rest folded against her.
>You lean back to gauge her reaction to what just transpired.
>She meets your gaze with a small smile...
>...that slowly disappears as the realization of what she did sinks in.
>In its place appears a steadily growing patch of purple-ish color on her cheeks.
>Oh this is /glorious/.
>She says nothing, continuing to stare at you... or rather the space you occupy.
>Skittles is probably malfunctioning right now.
>Ah well, your job is done.
>You get up, massaging your knee. A glance is directed towards Twilight.
>Twilight is engrossed in her notes. A large stack of papers are now piled up near her.
>What the fuck.
"Have you gathered sufficient data or do we need a round two? Looks like Skittles is out for the count."
>Twilight finishes up her writing before turning her attention to you.
>"The only step left is for Dash to recount how she felt."
>You look down at the still-flustered pegasus.
"Whenever you're ready."
>With a shake of her head, Dash comes out of her trance, focusing on Twilight.
>"What... what do you need?"
>"How did you feel? That's all... Oh, DO NOT downplay it. I need an honest answer."
>Dash exhales loudly before starting.
>"It was kinda like..."

>>30012490
>Her voice trails off and she glances up to you.
>"I would prefer if you didn't listen."
>Yea, no.
"I think I have the right to hear how my body affects others."
>Poor choice of wording or great?
>If the fresh coat of purple on her cheeks mean anything, it was great.
>Skittles opens her mouth but you interrupt.
"I'm not budging."
>She grumbles in response.
>"Fine..."
>She turns back to Twilight.
>"It felt like I was... I..."
>She casts a desperate look to you, only to meet a shake of your head.
>You weren't bullshitting with your logic. You want to know exactly what's going on.
>Dash groans.
>"Auuugh!... You know when it's winter... and it's a really cold day but you don't have to do anything so you can just curl up in bed under the covers? It... feltlikethat."
>Interesting.
>Skittles and Pinkie both used a similar analogy. Although Dash's version includes less hot chocolate.
>Book Horse isn't satisfied with her answer.
>"Please elaborate."
>Another groan, another glance towards you.
>Nope.
>"...Imagine being wrapped in a warm blanketohCelestiapleasedon'tmakemesayanymore!"
>Dash is giving Quiet Horse a serious run for her money with how red her face is.
>Unfortunately for her, Twilight shows no mercy.
>"Is that all?"
>"YES!"
>Book Horse is unconvinced.
>"Rainbow Dash, I know this is difficult for you but I /need/ a complete description. Please."
>Ouch, your heart.
>Dash stares at her friend, torn between quitting and helping her.
>Eventually she responds.
>"...There's... one more thing. But Anon can't hear."
>Fucking what.
>You snort in amusement.
"Uh, yea I can."
>"Please Anon?"
>Breaking out the good manners again?
"Sorry, no can do."
>At this point Dash looks up at you and you can clearly see the desperation in her eyes.
>"I'm begging you, Anonymous. PLEASE."
>...
>Well shit.
>With that level of pleading you're basically required to oblige her.
>...
>Or not.

>>30012496
>You gaze deep into her moderate cerise eyes.
"Rainbow Dash."
>Her ears perk up. Only once before have you ever used her full name; when you first met.
"I know we like to crack jokes about each other, but this isn't that time. We are not here to make fun of each other. We are here to figure out exactly what the hell is up with me."
>Her ears lower more and more as she begins to realize where you're going with this.
"Whatever you say here, I will not laugh, nor will I bring it up in the future. This is business. Nothing more, nothing less."
>Rainbow Dash looks down in disappointment.
>After a few seconds, she glances up to you.
>"You promise?"
>You bring a hand up to your heart.
"I promise."
>With a reluctant sigh, she faces Twilight once more.
>...
>......
>If she says anything funny, you are absolutely fucked.
>"I know I said it felt great and all, and it did! It did... but... I dunno, it felt like... only half of me was under the covers."
>Book Horse tilts her head in confusion.
>"I don't get it."
>Neither do you.
>"I, uhm, wanted more. You understand?"
>"...Not exactly. Wanted more what, hugs?"
>Dash whines. An honest-to-goodness whine.
>"No! More than a hug!"
>That must not have been what she wanted to say, because she brings a hoof up to cover her mouth.
>There's that blush again. Through her coat.
>Ponies are weird.
>'More than a hug'?
>What comes after a hug?
>For starters, let's eliminate all the sexual stuff because you're not a complete degenerate.
>Hand-holding?
>Lewd.
>Wait no, that's before a hug.
>...
>"What, like... cuddling?"
>A possibility.
>...Hold on a second, that wasn't you.
>Twilight looks expectantly at Dash to see if she's somewhere in the ballpark.
>Dash turns her head away, too embarrassed to keep eye contact.
>"...Maybe."
>...
>Huh.
>So it's not just your arms. It's you.
>All of you.
>Also, who would've thought Skittles liked to be cuddled.
>Oh right, this is because of you. In fact this only applies to you.

>>30012507
>Still it's interesting, to say the least.
>...
>"STOP SMILING!!!"
>The unexpected outburst makes you jump.
>Dash is giving you a look that would set you on fire if it wasn't diluted by her blush.
>Shit, she caught you. Worst part is you didn't even know you were doing so.
>There's no getting out of this jam.
>Time for damage control.
"Sorry, I just think it's cute."
>Wrong answer.
>"I'm not cute!"
>Those rosy cheeks beg to differ.
>Hilarious how someone so bold and brash can be reduced to this state.
"Look, I don't judge... Okay okay, that's a lie. What I meant to say is there's no reason to get worked up over--"
>"I'm not worked up!"
>You give her a deadpan stare.
>"...Not as much as you think."
"Whatever. You seem to forget one thing: /This/--"
>You gesture at yourself.
"--applies to all ponies. Well, more than likely all ponies; no reason for it to change now. You're getting flustered over something out of your control."
>Dash's glare slowly dissipates as your words take hold.
>Eventually she scratches the back of her head.
>"I... may have forgotten about that."
>Understatement of the fucking century.
>"It's just weird, you know? I wasn't kidding when I said hugs aren't my thing, but you..."
>You nod.
"I know."
>Now you can add 'cuddling' to the list of things you can take over Equestria with.
>"Sorry to interrupt guys, but we're not done yet."
>Oh?
>Dash is understandably puzzled.
>"I thought the only thing left was a summary from me."
>Twilight shakes her head, smiling softly.
>Actually, she looks amused more than anything.
>"That was before you explained everything. Now there's a new test and I think you'll enjoy it."
>Book Horse is having fun with Skittles.
>"Enjoy what?"
>You say nothing, opting to let her figure it out herself.
>After a few moments, she glances up to you for support.
>Still clueless?
>You'll just nudge her along.
"Did you not say you 'wanted more'?"
>You have the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

>>30012521
>That gets through to her.
>Her eyes widen as you once again bend down, this time taking a seat on the floor.
"Come here, you!"
>You can see the ongoing battle in her head between running away and staying put.
>"Don't you dare!"
>You smirk as arm takes hold behind her back.
>If she's gonna argue against you, the least she could do is make it sound convincing.


"Do you have a camera?"
>"Yes but it's out for repairs."
>You quietly swear to yourself. Talk about bad timing.
"Damn, I want to see her face."
>"She's...happy, to say the least.
>The pair of you are referring to the pale-cerulean mare currently nestled against you. Her head rests on your neck, similar to when you carried her in here.
>Unlike before, with your bodies being in such close proximity her wings now properly envelop you.
>Shit's comfy, yo.
>She's said nothing for the past few minutes, only letting out the occasional sigh.
>Someone is content.
"Let me know when you want this to stop."
>Twilight puts down her quill.
>"A couple more minutes will do. Besides--"
>She gives you a smug look.
>"--I think /somepony/ is enjoying it more than they let on."
>You can't help but smile.
"Maybe."
-------

Pastebin: https://pastebin.com/5gQ5hMeU

Part 5 done. Criticism needed, etc.

Conflict was probably rushed but then again it was never supposed to be the main focus. Just something to keep the story puttering along.

A heads up, next update will be much, MUCH shorter than the last two. If it isn't then I'll be extremely fucking impressed.

>>30012530
fuck i love this

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>>30012530

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>>30012530
Liking it a lot, the booping bits kinda reminded me of this.

>>30006324
Same
>>30012530
Thank write.

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>>30006324
Me too.

>>30012530
Keep the petting going

HURT ME MORE, SNAKE! MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!

>effeminate slap

>>30014517
>>30014557
FUCK YOU! WHERE IS THE FUCKING PONYNET!?

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We all have to go back to work.

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>>30015106

>>30015106
I'm at work

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>>30015383

>>30015175
>>30015398
How about this. If you keep bumping or talk about ponies, I will write a story about every stallion and villain became R63.

>>30015460
Why not do it anyway

>>30016120
>be me
>70km/h area on Victoria Rd in Sydney
>55km/h recommended limit around massive corner
>on my motorbike
>fang the fucking shit out of it doing 120km/h with my leg out and footpeg scraping the ground
>cop was right behind me.jpeg
>pulls me over
>myarseisabouttogetfucked.mov
>have a mad discussion with him, he was so surprised i could keep the bike up doing the speed i was doing
>mfw trying to join the Police Force myself
>mfw i walk away from being pulled over with a fucking "Failure to keep both feet on footpegs" instead of a $800 fine, loss of licence and 30 day impound
>later find out that the cop who pulled me over was the Area Commander of Ryde LAC (Local Area Command)

>>30016620
It always sounds better in kph
That fine tho is something else.

>>29999810
Does anyone remember a story from way back where Anon gets imprisoned for years and the only pony to visit him is Scootaloo?

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>>30017686
What is this, a horse for ants?

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but is there a screenshot from the show that has Celestia's throne room in it? I could just make up my own description of it, but I'd rather stay true to the show where possible. I'd skim through the ep's my but I had to delet the old seasons because I ran out of disk space.

>>30017975
>I know this is a bit of an odd question, but is there a screenshot from the show that has Celestia's throne room in it?
Yes there is.

>>30018070
Would you happen to have it, or know how to find it?

>"Hey! Hey Anon! Non! Nonny! Hey!"
>You do your best to ignore the pink pony currently pestering you.
>Don't let her get to you, man.
>Don't let her win!
>"Look what I can do!"
>You hear the the little horse make those weird, cartoonish noises that always accompany her odd antics.
>Don't look, Anonymous...
>Even if you really, really want to, do NOT turn your head to see what she's doing.
>Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go away.
>"Awww, you weren't looking! Oh, hey, did you know that..."
>You slowly turn the page of the book you were reading until this stupid, pink horse came up to you.
>It was a really nice day out, and while you detested doing anything physical for fun, you knew you couldn't just stay in you house.
>So you brought the book you were in the middle of reading, went out to a local park and got to reading, the soft, cool breeze and warm sun shining on you making the experience of reading a more pleasurable one than usual.
>An experience that would have kept on being pleasant, had Ponyville's resident party planner (or party pooper, in this case) decided she had the right to encroach on your personal space and peace of mind.
>She's done this for as long as you've known her.
>She SAYS it's to put a smile on your face.
>She SAYS it's to get you out of your shell.
>She SAYS it's to get you to diversify your interests.
>But you know it's all a front.
>Constantly annoying you, trying to get you to come out of your house more.
>Always inviting you to the constant stream of parties she throws.
>Persistently bothering you in an her attempts at playing with you.
>Continually trying to get you to talk to random ponies.
>She SAYS they're her friends, but if that was true, she'd be friends with everypony in Ponyville!
>What a crock of horseshit.
>You've long since tried ignoring her, but somehow she always manages to get your attention in some way.
>Why, God, must this happen to you?
>You just want to read your books in peace!

>>30018272
I'm in

>>30018272
>You can here her rapidfire voice recounting some tale about this or that happening to this or that pony.
>You honestly think she might bore you do death.
>Seriously, what happens in Horseland that could possibly be interesting, beyond the occasional world-ending threat that ends up being quashed by faggy rainbow horse magic?
>"...so in the end he killed himself trying to murder his wife! That's absolutely bonkers, don't you think Nonny Wonny?"
>Your head quickly jerks to look at her.
"Jeezus! What the hell, Pinkie?!"
>She beams at you.
>"Ha! Made ya look! I win again!"
>You close your book with a sigh.
>Guess it can't be helped now.
>Damn this pony, she'd drive you to drink, if you were a drinking man.
>Which you weren't by the way.
>RIP in peace, Druncle.
>You stand and place your book into your backpack.
>The ever-excitable Pinkie Pie crouches and wags her tail like a dog, evidently expecting you to go along with her shenanigans after her "victory".
"This isn't a game, Pinkie. Go home!"
>"But Non, it's such a great day out! Won't you come play with me?"
>You rub your temples in frustration.
"No, Pinkie. No matter how many times you ask, I'll never not say no to your tomfoolery"
>She gigglesnorts at your statement.
>"See Nonny? That's exactly why you need to go out more! You spend so much time with your books that you've started talking like them!"
>You sneer at that insinuation.
"Do not!"
>"Do too!"
"Nuh uh!"
>"Yeah huh!"

>>30018447
Sounds like someone needs a few friendship lessons from Twilight.

>>30018447
more coming right?

>>30018447
>This goes on for a while before you realize your mistake.
>This exact thing happened just the other week.
>You're aren't going to fall for that again, nosiree Bob!
>You quickly pipe up and about face, walking away from the still happily chatting equine.
>You hoped that she would continue to talk to the empty air you left in your place, but it seems you'll be having no such luck today.
>You hear her bouncing along behind you, without a care in the world.
>Damn her and her happy-go-luckiness!
>You need to find a way to make her go away.
>You know you can't outrun her.
>You fainted from exhaustion within five minutes of running the first time you tried.
>When you finally came to, there she was, her big, fat flank sat on your chest.
>Maybe you can distract her while you hide?
>Yeah, that'll work!
>You stop in your tracks, causing Pinkie to collide snout first into your admittedly over-soft buns.
"Hey Pinkie, don't you have a Friendship problem to solve?"
>Her muzzle scrunches up in doubt.
>"I don't think so, my Pinkie Sense isn't going off and my cutie mark isn't glowing or anything. Or is it?"
>She double takes at her flank to make sure.
>"Nope! Nothing!"
"No, seriously, I think I hear Twilight calling for you! You should check to make sure!"
>She rubs her chin with her hoof while giving you a suspicious look.
>"Hmm..."
>You can feel yourself start to sweat under her sweltering glare.
>Suddenly her expression brightens.
>"Alrighty, if you say so, Anon!"
>She bounces away towards Twilight's crystal castle, finally out of your hair.
>You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.
>Time to get out of here while the getting's good.

>>30018779
Yes sir, just had to stop to make something to eat. Also need to leave for now so I can get to sleep. I promise to finish this later.

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>>30013062

>>30019064
ohhh, well noice work

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>Next day

Ever read your old stuff and it makes you laugh?
Pepperidge Farms remembers.

>>30019629
>Pepperidge Farms
What is that? some kind story?

>>30019585
>that stupid chair

>>30019739
I'd fuck that chair.

Asking theoretically here...

Would Herd stories be welcome here, assuming that they feature Anon and he is in Equestria? It's hard to keep threads alive when I write so slowly, but my take on Herding really doesn't fit RGRE. I haven't decided what I'm going to do long-term yet, but coming here is certainly an option.

No one wants to cuddle with me.
>feelsbadman.jpg

>>30020929
Bring the herd.
Better if Anon has no idea he's in one.

>>30020929
Yes, you can post your greentext here.

>>30020975
Maybe you should get better jokes than, "Pull my finger."

>>30021184
Shut up, that's the pinnacle of comedy.

>>30021190
Not while you're cuddling.

>>30017708
I do, sorta. Do they live in a treehouse in the woods?

>>30022022
Does he stick D batteries up his anus?

>>30022299
Ah, the old thunder-dragon. a Classic.

>>30022022
I honestly don't remember

>>30022815
I wish I were in equestria
i would go after her

>>30022843
She wouldn't want you
Just like your mom

>>30022925
okey
if you say so

>>30022962
jfry pls

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Hey, Aching, if you're still hanging around. The PiE thread died overnight, but you're still the man, man. Oh man. Pony Twitter wars are the best Twitter wars.

>>30023138
>ponies on twitter
>they get into a flame war over whether alfalfa grown in Equestria or on Earth tastes better
>attention whorses take lewd photos of themselves and use photoshop to change their coat and mane color to that of Equestrian celebrities, claiming to be them

>>30001424
Damn. You got me. Thank you.
We may not be related by blood but for a moment there you gave me all I ever wanted.
I'll do my best to pass it on one day.

>>30023849
Go to Equestria.
Ponies act like small four legged humans.
They get mad when you jump on their backs while screaming and waving your hat around.
All that rodeo training for nothing.

>>30012530
I really like this. I hope you continue. If I may quote:
>Shit's comfy, yo.

Crosspostan
>>30025070
>Be Princess Luna, queen of the moon, in Equestria.
>You're chilling with your sisses Lyra, Colgate, Twuntles, Oral-B, and Changeling Lyra at the park.
>Today is your weekly fuck with foreigners get together.
>Twuntles has just finished using a portal and some creative prestigitation to make it look like the Minotaur queen has been cheating on her husband.
>You all have a most wonderful time watching them fight over it on the scrying pool.
>"Okay, let me have a go. I've got an idea I want to test out."
>Colgate steps up for her turn, focusing her magic with a look of intense concentration on her face.
>This ought to be good.
>A glowing tear in space appears before her in mid air, from which she weaves what looks like halfway between Erlenmeyer's lesser remote water scoop and Polaroid's autofocus.
>She then ties whatever it is she's casting into the scrying pool.
>The surface of the pool ripples and buzzes for a moment before settling back to a flat surface and showing what looks like a locker room.
>"There we go, whaddya thank?"
>You take a closer look at the pool and notice that it's not ponies or any other species you recognise.
>That's a penis.
"You just created an interdimensional alien peepshow."
>"Yep, I've been working on it on and off for like three months now, only just got rid of the distortions I'd been getting from the dimensional non-uniformity."
>"This is bucking awesome!"
>Changeling Lyra is leaning in close to the pool to get a closer look.
>Her snout touches to surface and then everything goes white.
>It takes a few seconds to regain your sight after the flash.
>And when you do, you notice she's somehow ended up in the alien locker room.
>That's not good.
>A few moments later you spot the other thing that's changed.
>The alien you were all observing is on the ground where Changeling Lyra was sitting.
>He's making groaning noises and clutching his head.
>You are not looking forward to telling your sister about this.

>>30025389
Hey Durnk, haven't seen you in a while. How's the pony sweatshop in your basement coming along?

New show?

Man this stuff is still going, making me feel nostalgic...

>>30027108
The ride never ends.

>>30027108
No you're not. You're here forever. All of us are.

>>29999810
>go to sleep with two unicorns
>wake up with both eyes put out

>>30028540
that's why you gotta sleep inverted, hug tha booty close

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>>30028829

Size and softness are important factors in choosing your unicorn companion.

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>>30028971

Despite being great at Hyperspace Wars, Shining is pants on shit at gambling.

Desperate to beat Anon at poker, he uses his wife as a wager.

Anon thought he was kidding until he dumps a very surprised and unimpressed Cadence onto the table.

Anon beats Shining, and wins his wife.

However, Anon thought it was a joke, and tries to give her back.

Unfortunately, Cadence is taking this opportunity to punish Shining for being a dick and gambling her away.

Hell, he even tries to get Shining to win her back as a stake in Blackjack... and he still fecking loses at that!

So now Anon has a grumpy alicorn 'wife' living with him, eating his food and fucking things up in an attempt at being "helpful".

>>30029885
>Turns out the game's results are legally binding, and Candy Ass is perfectly fine with it.
>Somehow ends up winning Moon Butt, Sun Butt, and Spergle too.
>They move in and cause chaos in his nice, tidy life in Ponyville.

>>30029584
Loaf pone

>>30029934
>Turns out the game's results are not legally enforceable, but Love Butt goes with it anyway
>This causes a law suit against Shining for illegal cucking
>All life in Equestria turns into an episode of Judge Judy

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>>30000200
>3 day later
I think he dead.

>>30030962
Good

Wow, page 10? Where is everyone?

>PiE dead as shit, hasn't had a single writefag in ages
>was my favorite general for a very long time
The Times They Are A-Changin'

Fuck off of page 9 for an hour or so, please and thanks.

>>30033022
K

>>30028829
>>30028971
>you will never sleep using twilight's ass as a pillow

>>30012530
-----

>Really, what else is there to cover?
>You've gone over everything the two of you could think of.
>Well, everything /she/ could think of.
>You're currently performing the now all-too-familiar routine of visiting Twilight for /another/ testing session.
>What has she come up with now? Nothing new has popped up recently.
>...You may have an idea or two that you haven't brought up.
>Mainly out of respect for ponies.
>You can pass off your petting as a "back massage".
>But belly rubs?
>Ear scratches?
>Those are things you perform on dogs. Or cats.
>Ponies most certainly have pride and dignity. Being compared to an animal probably wouldn't sit well with them (Dash being a good example).
>...You know what, you'll bring it up with Twilight anyway.
>She's all business... usually. She'll understand.
>Reaching the library entrance, you knock twice.
>After a few seconds the door opens...
>...Revealing no one.
>"Come on in!"
>Twilight's voice registers in your head.
>Oh right, magic.
>Stepping inside, you close the door behind you.
>Twilight, as usual, is parked behind a table, multiple pieces of paper strewn across it.
>"Good afternoon Anonymous!"
"What's up. So, who's the victim for today?"
>You're referring to the mystery pony you glanced over when you came in.
>Twilight recently decided that she should have less of a hands-on approach to her project, starting back when you discovered your knack for cuddling.
>You explained that Spike was just messing with her before and she'd be missing out on a LOT, but Book Horse was adamant with her decision, if not a tad deflated.
>Putting aside her personal enjoyment for the sake of science.
>What a hero.
>Fortunately for her nothing was said about using your talent during off-hours.
>So yea, today you'll be dealing with...
>...
>......
>That is not a pony.
>That's a bird.
>...No wait.
>It's a lion.
>...It's both?
"Gryphon?"

>>30033450
>You've never seen one before, only been told of their existence.
>The one here looks similar to what you were expecting. The only unusual features are the pale light-purple mark surrounding each eye and the way some white feathers stick out on their head.
>It's like a hairstyle of sorts.
>The catbird before you is unamused with your obvious statement.
>"Nice analysis, genius. What are you supposed to be, a hairless minotaur?"
>...
>Wow, where the fuck did THAT come from?
>First impressions are important and good god did she fuck up /big time/.
>It's been less than a minute and already you don't like her.
>At least you're hoping it's a "her". Did she swallow chalk recently?
>You're about to respond accordingly when you pause.
>Probably not a good idea to insult the test subject.
>Fuck, you can't just leave that shit be.
>Unfortunately you don't have a choice.
>You make sure to return her glare with one of your own.
"I'm a human."
>Based Twilight can see the sparks flying between you and the catbird, and decides to jump in.
>"Anonymous! This is Gilda. Gilda, Anonymous."
>Your gaze doesn't break from Gilda as the pair of you continue trying to melt each other with your eyes alone.
>"Gilda was nice enough to visit all the way from Griffonstone in order to help out today."
>"Only because the pay is good."
>She's still staring at you.
>Twilight laughs nervously.
>"Well, when not a single griffon replies to the 'Help Wanted' ad you place in The Feathered Post, you get a little desp-- Never mind that! Anonymous, I need you to start with a booping."
>Finally breaking your staring contest with Gilda, you face Twilight, ignoring her request.
"I thought this only worked with ponies."
>"We can't be certain until we cover all creatures."
>...Hold. The fuck. Up.
>When she says 'all creatures' does she mean /literally/ every single fucking thing in this world?
>Oh HELL no.
>Focus on the current problem, Anon. That's an issue for another day.
>Right, right.

>>30033457
"It didn't work for Spike, remember? I doubt it'll work on... that."
>Shit, you let that one slip.
>Maybe she didn't notice.
>Gilda's eyes narrow.
>"Insult me again, and you'll regret it for the rest of your very short life."
>Welp, she noticed.
>You didn't like her before, now you downright hate her.
>Jumping straight into death threats?
>Twilight really knows how to pick 'em.
"If you touch me, I have zero qualms with figuring out if your front half tastes like chicken."
>The rational part of you is yelling at your retarded ass for antagonizing something with claws AND talons.
>The rest of you don't take shit from NOBODY.
>You can see her talons tighten up, sinking into her seat.
>Despite that, Gilda does nothing, only continuing her death glare.
>All talk and no bite?
>Either that or she believes your empty threat.
>She doesn't know shit about you except for three things.
>You're tall, you eat meat, and you boop ponies.
>Best not to fuck with that.
>Twilight once again hastily intervenes.
>"Oh-kay! A reminder Gilda, you won't receive payment if your behavior is not satisfactory."
>She makes it sound like it's an issue with all gryphons.
>Gilda huffs in annoyance, the warning enough for her to ease up.
>"Fine. Let's get this over with so I can get those bits."
>Twilight sighs in relief, raising a quill in preparation.
>"Whenever you're ready Anonymous."
>God, you really don't want to do this.
>You look at the catbitch-- catbird.
"You know what I'm going to do, right?"
>She rolls her eyes.
>"You're touching my beak. Hurry up already."
>Ugh.
>You close the short distance to her, also eager to finish as quickly as possible.
>Gilda eyes your hand like a hawk as it raises...
>...And near-instantly goes back down.
>You shake your head.
"I can't. Sorry Twilight."
>"Why not?"

>>30033463
"Because on the off-chance that it DOES work, Catbird here will feel fan-fuckin'-tastic--"
>You direct your attention to Gilda as you finish your rant.
"-And I sure as hell don't want to give /you/ that pleasure."
>You gesture towards the door.
"You can fuck off whenever you're ready."
>Gilda gives you her signature glare you've come to know and not love.
>"What does 'fuck' mean? Is that some weird alien language?"
>You're all too happy to further broaden her knowledge.
"It means many things. All you need to know is it's very, VERY offensive."
>"Well /Anonymous/--"
>She spits out your name like it has a bad taste.
>"--You can 'FUCK OFF' with thinking I'm going anywhere! I'm not leaving until those bits are in my talons!"
>If you weren't so pissed off you'd be proud of how quickly she caught on to its usage.
>God this fucking catbird infuriates you.
>When was the last time you were mad? Not agitated. Honest-to-goodness mad.
>That's right, it was before you got dumped into Equestria.
>Ponies have never given you a reason to be angry. Most of them are very nice, polite at worst.
>Even when they avoided you, you only felt hollow.
>But Gilda...
>She reminds you of home.
>Hating for the sake of hating.
>So stupid...
>But familiar in a way.
>...
>You're still not going to boop her.
"YOUR ass is gonna be here for a long time, cuz I'm not--"
>"CAN EVERYPONY PLEASE STOP?!?!?!"
>Your arguing is shut down as Twilight's voice reverberates through the library.
>Holy /shit/, Book Horse has quite the pair of lungs on her.
>Gilda grimaces, both sets of talons pressed firmly against her head in an effort to drown out the yelling.
>Unfortunately you were too slow to react.
>Your ears ring even after Twilight is finished.
>Book Horse takes in a deep breath. When she's done, she focuses on you.
>"Anonymous, Gilda said she's willing to assist today. The only pony-- human left is you, and I /need/ you. If you decline now, I don't know if I'll be able to find another griffon."

>>30033469
>Oh for fuck's sake, do not--
>"Please?"
>There it is.
>You have a sneaking suspicion Twilight has caught on to its effectiveness against you.
>Sucks for her though, you're not budging.
>No sir, not an inch.
>Not even for her dilated pupils... or her watery eyes...
>...Or those deflated ears...
>...
"FFFFUCK me. FINE. But you owe me. I don't know /what/, but you OWE me!"
>Twilight's devastated expression vanishes instantly the second you say 'fine'.
>Lousy manipulating--
>"Great! Don't worry, you won't regret it!"
>Lie of the century.
>Twilight coughs into a knee.
>"Right. Whenever you're ready."
>Bleh.
>You turn back to Gilda.
"Don't move."
>Thankfully she doesn't have a shitty retort.
>Up goes your hand.
>"Those aren't claws."
>You glance at your raised hand.
"These are fingers."
>"What are--"
"Save the anatomy questions for someone who gives a shit."
>Catbird is less than pleased, but says nothing.
>Damn, it feels good talking trash to someone.
>Your outstretched finger slowly approaches its target.
>Right before you reach her beak, you hesitate.
>Gilda isn't dumb.
>"I don't bite... most of the time."
>She's smirking now.
"Y'know, my earlier statement still stands. Food for thought."
>Her expression doesn't change.
>Fuck.
>Whatever, just get it over with quickly.
>Your target is near the top of her beak.
>Slowly. Slowly....
>*Boop*
>...
>Nope, nothing cute about that expression at all.
>Not a single thing.
>At all.
>...She's still a bitch.
>Much to your disappointment, Gilda is going through the same process ponies experience.
>Fuuuuuck.
>All that's left is--
>*POOMF*
>...That?
>You stare in wonder at the sight before you.
>Starting from the neck-down, Gilda's plumage has puffed out.
>What a sight.
>That, combined with her sudden shocked look, makes you laugh.
>Better to laugh than stay mad.
>Catbird isn't pleased with your cheerful mood.
>"Can it, dweeb!"
>Of course you ignore her, continuing to cackle up a storm.

>>30033473
>She brings a foreleg up, pressing on her feathers in an attempt to bring them back down.
>It doesn't work and she growls in frustration.
>Meanwhile, you've finished up your laughing session.
"You look great, did you know that?"
>The grin on your face speaks volumes for the sincerity of that statement.
>Surprisingly Gilda says nothing, instead continuing to stare daggers at you.
>You're starting to question if she's still pissed off. She has that look on twenty-four/seven.
>...
>Wait a second.
>She's acting no different now than she was before the booping.
>You can't say it had no effect on her; her plumage speaks for itself.
>Then what the fuck happened?
>"What are you staring at, dweeb?"
>Fuck kind of insult is 'dweeb'?
>Well it sure beats death threats.
"You, obviously."
>"Gilda, I need a recount of your experience please."
>Twilight is good at recognizing tension and when to intervene.
>Gilda ignores her, continuing to eye you. Her tail sways to and fro.
>Reminds you of a cat.
>Because she's a catbird.
>As much as you'd love to indulge in this immature back-and-forth, Book Horse needs answers.
>You point towards Twilight.
"You want to get paid, right?"
>That's all the encouragement Catbird needs.
>She slips off of the stool, walking over to Twilight.
>"You didn't need to move. I can hear you just fine right here!"
>"I'm not doing it for you. I'm making sure /that one/ doesn't hear."
>She glances back to you with an expression you can't quite put your finger on.
>Yea, no.
>Dash tried that shit with you and it didn't fly.
>No way in hell Gilda miraculously gets a pass.
"Not happening. I don't care how embarrassed you feel, I want to know what the fuck is up with me."
>Thank goodness Spike isn't here. You've been swearing like there's no tomorrow.
>Gilda scoffs.
>"Embarrassed? As if. I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for YOU."
>...
>'For you'?
>Fuck is that supposed to mean?

>>30033481
>Gilda doesn't wait for your rebuttal. She plants her talons on the edge of Twilight's stool, allowing her to speak directly into Book Horse's ear.
>Son of a bitch.
>Twilight, the traitorous cunt, is taking notes as Catbird speaks. Her quill races across the paper, lines being filled in seconds.
>Fuck this shit.
>You take this time to procure a stool of your own, planting it down before taking a seat.
>She's still talking. What the fuck could she possibly--
>Twilight's quill abruptly stops.
>Gilda, however, does not.
>With each passing second, you observe Book Horse's transformation from dark purple cheeks to almost her entire face turning red.
>...
>Alright, what did Catbird say?
>Eventually she stops and her voice picks up.
>"Did you get all of that?"
>Twilight is staring straight ahead, eyes wide.
>"I... I did. Thank you..."
>"Good, cuz I'm not repeating myself."
>Conversation over, Gilda returns to all fours, making her way back to her seat.
>You watch Twilight blink a few times, turning her attention back to her notes and continuing to write.
>When you look at Gilda, she's once again staring at you. Her plumage has managed to return to its flattened appearance.
>You still don't like her but the earlier aggression has dissipated, leaving one option.
>Annoyance.
"I know I'm devilishly handsome, but it's rude to ogle someone that much."
>Instead of the standard bristling and threats, Gilda snorts.
>"Please. The only thing I'm gawking at are those tiny eyes of yours. Do all hue-muns look like that?"
>That's the second time someone has brought up your eyes.
>Rude.
>Come on Anon, you need to save face for the human race.
>Think dammit, think...
>Ah-ha!
>You shrug.
"Our eyes are as big as they need to be."
>"At that size it's a wonder you can see anything."
>Fuck, that didn't work.
>Let's try again.
"I see what I need to."
>Gilda cackles.
>Sounds a lot like an evil villain.
>"What, a few feet ahead of you? Your eyes are set straight forward!"

>>30033484
>Double rude.
>Man you're bad at explaining shit.
>That and she's deliberately poking holes in your excuses.
>...
>Oh!
>You have a good one.
"Consider this: what type of animals look forward /far/ more often than the rest?
>Gilda furrows her brow in thought.
"It's not a--"
>"Shut up, I'm trying to think."
>Aaaand you hate her again.
>Just kidding. That wasn't very nice though.
>"Predators?"
>Oh wow, she figured it out.
>You were expecting a few minutes of frustration followed by swearing at you to give a hint.
>You say nothing else, content to watch her.
>Honestly you just want Catbird off your ass. Your latest explanation should be reason enough.
>Her confused expression shifts into exasperation at your silence.
>"What about them? What does that have to do with you..."
>It's like the last word was a trigger.
>Gilda's irritation slowly fades away as the realization hits.
>Soon not even her standard glare remains.
>Now she's just looking at you, only the end of her tail flicking from side to side.
>You're having a hard time reading any of her emotions that aren't a variation of "fuck you".
>At the absolute least, you'd say Catbird looks calm.
>You were semi-bullshitting about the predator bit. Luckily she doesn't know that.
>At least she shut up.
>You idly glance over to check on Twilight's progress.
>She's still writing. Her face no longer looks heated.
>Speaking of...
>You turn back to the gryphon in front of you, gesturing towards Book Horse with a thumb.
"What did you say to her?"
>"Ask her."
>She sounds a lot more female when she's not agitated and berating you.
"Why can't you tell me?"
>"Like I already said, it's not me, it's you."
>Aren't breakups supposed to be the opposite?
>...Oh wait, that's not what this is.
"Gilda, I know we're close friends, which is why that's such a /shit/ excuse."
>She grins.
>"If you want to know so badly, ask your purple friend."
>Fine.
"Twilight, what did Gilda say about the booping?"
>Twilight's head snaps up.

>>30033490
>"...She, uh, mentioned something... uh, along the lines of..."
>Is Book Horse sweating?
>"You know what, we can talk about this later! Yes, later whenhopefullyyou'veforgettenaboutit!"
>With that said, she goes back to taking notes.
>...
>You shake your head in resigned acceptance.
>How fucking hard is it to tell you?
>What's the worst that could possibly be said?
>Gilda is still grinning.
>Did she know Twilight would react like that?
>Stupid catbird.
>Gilda breaks the silence.
>"Next up is a... massage, right?"
>...
>Aw fuck, you completely forgot about that.
"I dunno..."
>Her grin falters.
>"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You said mean things and hurt my feelings. I don't think that sort of behavior deserves a massage."
>Gilda stares at you in disbelief.
>"...You're kidding, right? You have to be joking."
>You muster up all of your strength to keep a straight face.
"I don't joke about my emotions."
>Your face is going numb from the effort being exerted to avoid smiling.
>Sadly your will cracks, and you smirk a little.
>Catbird notices instantly. Her expression shifts to one of half-annoyed, half-amused.
>"Joke all you want. I want that massage."
>She's really mellowed out compared to earlier. It's nice being able to talk without insults flying.
>You might even be starting to tolerate her.
"I'm an amateur y'know. Don't get your expectations up."
>"After that boop, or whatever you call it?"
>Gilda leans forward in her seat.
>"Oh I /will/."
>...
>You don't like that look.
>THAT is what a predator's gaze looks like.
>Combine it with her smile and you have a perfect mix of get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here.
>Calm down, heart.
>You only trust yourself to chuckle softly.
"Don't say I didn't warn you."
>You're full of shit, of course.
>If the boop worked (effects still unknown), you have a sneaking suspicion petting will too.
>As for her reaction...
>Your thoughts are broken by the return of Twilight to the mortal realm.

>>30033496
>"Finally finished! Up next--"
>"A massage. Get moving, Anonymous."
>You raise an eyebrow at the gryphon.
"I'm flattered you used my name without any derogatory statements BUT, points off for ordering me around. You're the test subject, remember that."
>Gilda rolls her eyes.
>"And you're the tester or something. Whatever. Do your job."
>So much for tolerating her.
"Damn, and here I thought we were getting along sooooo well."
>Gilda cocks her head to the side.
>"Are we not?"
>...
>If that's a rhetorical question, the genuinely perplexed look on her face strongly suggests otherwise.
>First you don't get ponies, now you don't get gryphons.
>Or Gilda. You don't get Gilda.
"It's hard to tell sometimes."
>"Oh."
>She says nothing more, waiting for you to 'do your job'.
>You point down.
"I suggest you sit on the floor."
>"Why?"
>Because you're not a princess.
"Because if what I'm expecting to happen does happen, you'll end up there anyway."
>There's that look again.
>Shit's unnerving as fuck.
>You're starting to understand how the ponies initially felt when you caught their eye.
>"You're getting my hopes up, Anonymous."
"That's on you."
>"Those fingers beg to differ."
>...
>Leaving you with that even-more-worrisome comment, Gilda makes the short trip to the ground.
>You follow suit, plopping yourself directly next to her.
>Being in such close proximity makes her head stand tall above you.
>She's a bit taller than most ponies too, adding to the height difference.
>Catbird doesn't hesitate to comment on it.
>"You're short when you sit down."
>You ignore her smug smirk.
>Can't even defend that; gotta roll with the punches.
"Thank you Captain Obvious."
>"Touchy subject?"
>Now she's just taking the piss.
"Nah, I just know when to quit early."
>"As if you have a choice."
>Oof. That one hurt.
>Despite that all-too-real burn, you can't help but smile.
"You got me."
>Gilda is satisfied with her victory, and spares you from further emotional trauma.

>>30033499
>"I'm ready when you're ready."
>Her tail is back to swishing to and fro.
>Don't cats do that shit when they're excited or something?
>She's half-cat so it counts, right?
>It totally counts.
>Once more your hand reaches out to Gilda. Its destination: Her back.
>Her head is turned to watch what you're doing.
>As your hand makes contact with her fur you feel her body tense up for the briefest of moments.
>Nothing else occurs, so you continue with your task.
>...
>Naturally, everything changes the instant you move your hand.
>In a flash, Gilda's wing shoots open, catching you square in the chest and knocking you over.
>What the fuck???
>You lay on the floor, staring at the library ceiling in confusion and slight awe.
>Those wings are pretty strong.
>"Yea, that happens sometimes when something feels... nice."
>Is that a gryphon thing? Dash and Quiet Horse don't do that.
"A heads up would've also been nice."
>"If I knew it was going to happen, I would've said something. Stop complaining."
>You bring yourself back up to a sitting position.
>Catbird is giving you a flat look. Her wings are extended and even from this angle you can tell they're larger than pegasi's.
>"Well? I'm waiting."
>She seems to forget who's in charge.
"Remember: Anon giveth--"
>You reach out to gently stroke her back.
>You're pretty sure her eyes glazed over.
"Anon taketh away."
>Off goes your hand.
>"Don't even think about it."
>Her manners could use some serious work.
"That's no way to treat a friend."
>Gilda scoffs, and you can make out her mouthing the word 'friend'.
>"Whatever, dweeb. You promised your purple friend you wouldn't back out."
"You're hurting my feelings again."
>"...FINE. Can you PLEASE continue the massage?"
"Sure."
>"How long are yo-- oh."
>Before Gilda can say anything else to dissuade you, your hand is again making short stroking motions along her back.
>...
>.......
>Well that didn't take long.

>>30033501
>Catbird is lying on the floor, legs and wings lazily extended.
>With her current position blocking easy access to her back, you've been petting dangerously close to her underside.
>If she has any grips with it, she says nothing.
>Admittedly you were secretly hoping she would adopt that weird pose cats do where they fold their paws next to their chest, but this is alright too.
>From what you can see, her reaction is similar to Rarity's.
>Unmoving, quiet as hell, may as well be asleep.
>Speaking of sleeping...
>Is she snoring?
>Did she seriously fall asleep?
>Your hands vibrate with each exhale she makes.
>Wait a second...
>...
>She's purring.
>Catbird is actually purring.
>It's like she's an oversized house kitty.
>With talons.
>Now here's the million-dollar question.
>To laugh, or not to laugh?
>...Nah.
>This isn't /completely/ out of left field.
>You'll just save this wonderful piece of information for the future.
>"That should do it, Anonymous."
"Alright."
>You cease your ministrations as per Twilight's instructions.
>Even when your hand is still, Gilda continues to purr.
>In less than a minute, she twitches, eyes remaining closed
>"Why did you stop."
>She doesn't sound annoyed or agitated. Your petting really mellowed her out.
"Because, all good things must come to an end. My job is done, now it's your turn."
>Despite a loud sigh of reluctance, she doesn't push the issue.
>After a brief stretch, she returns to a sitting position and you try to forget just how sharp those claws look.
>Catbird blinks slowly a few times, never taking her eyes off you.
>"That wasn't exactly what I was anticipating, but I'm not picky."
"Mhmm. What /were/ you expecting?"
>At that, she smiles.
>Not a smirk, or a grin. A smile.
>"Ask Miss Purple."
>You casually flip her off.
"Nice cop-out answer."
>To your confusion, Gilda looks up at the ceiling.
>Twilight once again butts in, most likely in hopes of diverting the discussion away from her.
>"Okay Gilda, I need--"

>>30033506
>"What was that supposed to mean?"
>You rudely gesture again.
"This?"
>"Yea."
"It's another insult. Basically means 'go fuck yourself'."
>Gilda's gaze drifts away in thought.
>"Huh..."
>Twilight uses the lull in conversation to try speaking again.
>"Gilda, I need a recap of--"
>"Well Anonymous--"
>You watch as Catbird flips you off.
>"The feeling is mutual."
>She's still smiling.
>Do all gryphons make friends/acquaintances by being jerks to each other?
>That would explain her behavior SOOOO much.
>Well, you can't say you're not enjoying yourself.
>Of course you don't need negativity in your life, but it's satisfying to talk shit once in a while.
"I'm impressed with how quickly you catch on to my insults."
>Gilda sticks out her chest with pride. You swear her feathers puff out a bit.
>"I take pride in my work."
>She's like a rude gryphon version of Dash.
>"I'm glad the two of you are getting along so well, but I /need/ a response, Gilda!"
>Poor Twilight has been ignored twice already.
>"Yea, yea..."
>Gilda scratches her neck with a talon.
>"It felt nice... Good, even."
>...
>...Is that all?
>Twilight stares at the stone-faced gryphon in bewilderment.
>"Anything else?"
>Catbird shakes her head.
>"Nah."
>"I can't only use 'It felt good'. I need details!"
>"What details? There's nothing else to say."
>"You certainly had a lot to say about An--"
>Book Horse abruptly cuts herself off, almost choking on her words.
>The fuck?
>Gilda is unfazed.
>...It was relaxing? I can't think of anything else."
>Twilight groans.
>"Guess I'll have to work with that."
>That reminds you...
"Speaking of relaxing, I didn't know gryphons purr."
>"Yea, it's a sign of contentment. I have to admit, your fingers are something else."
>Damn, you were hoping it was a super-embarrassing reflex she couldn't control and you could make heavy implications towards her being a house cat.
>...
>You are a terrible person, Anon.
>She started it though.
>You nod.
"I know."

>>30033513
>Gilda huffs at your lack of thanks.
"That's not even all of it."
>"Hmmm?"
>Right, next up is...
>...
>No.
>Absolutely not.
>As if to send you to the gallows, Twilight pipes up.
>"All done! Only one test remaining!"
>Catbird's eyes light up as she finally recalls the final event.
>The fuck is she so happy about?
"No thanks."
>"Anonymous, after this test you'll be free to leave. Please don't bail on me now."
"It's complicated, Book Horse."
>...
"Alright, maybe it isn't. Gilda, I know you and I no longer want to strangle each other to death--"
>She nods in understanding.
"--But I have limits. Skittles, Rarity, and Twilight all have something in common: they are friends of mine."
>They're also small(er), adorable ponies.
>Not big, feisty catbirds.
"I only cuddle friends. I'll give you another pet-- massage if you want though."
>Gilda doesn't flinch when you casually mention the lack of a friendship with her.
>Good. That means you're both on the same page.
>"I understand."
>Thank--
>"Good thing you said we're /close/ friends, right?"
>What.
>When the hell did you say that?
>...
>You give her a flat look.
>She has quite the smug expression.
"Do you REALLY think I was serious?"
>"Now I do."
>...
>......
"Okay, /that/ was a good answer."
>Gilda says nothing more.
>Dumb Twilight and her sad looks and needing you to cuddle gryphons.
"...Keep those talons to yourself."
>That's all she needed to hear. Her tail resumes its swishing.
>You size her up, trying to figure out how the fuck this is going to work.
>Catbird has other things in mind. She stands up, taking a few steps until she's by your side.
"What?"
>"Lie down."
"Why?"
>On this hard-as-fuck floor? Your ass is already sore, no need for your back to suffer.
>"Because it's not going to work with you sitting."
"Not with that attitude."
>Gilda pays no mind to your stupid remark. Instead she reaches up to grab your shoulder.
>You freeze.
>Fuck, they're as sharp as they look.

>>30033517
>It's only when she starts pushing that you realize what's going on.
>Yea, no.
>You grab her talons, ignoring the annoyed look she gives you.
>With a little bit of pressure, you remove her foreleg from yourself.
"I don't know what you have in mind, but I'm not breaking my back on this floor. I'll figure something out if you give me a minute."
>"We don't need a minute when there's a solution /now/."
"Your solution blows and I already have an idea.
>You shift yourself until you're facing Gilda. She's irked, to say the least.
>"Why are you so stubborn? It's annoying."
>...
"Lay down and keep your front half on my lap. This is as good as it's gonna get."
>"THAT'S it? That's what you came up with?"
>She sounds disappointed more than anything.
"Catbird, the only other option is spooning and let's be real: we just met. Those kind of things don't happen until the third date at least."
>"...I don't see the problem."
>Wow.
>Either she's a bigger softie than she lets on or you really DO have magic.
>You raise an eyebrow.
"You don't strike me as that kind of person-- pony... gryphon."
>She huffs in annoyance.
>"I can make an exception."
>Gilda must really want this.
>The same gryphon you despised earlier is now poorly hiding her desire to spoon.
>If you call her "adorable" would she kill you?
>...Probably.
"Sadly there are no available couches or beds within a five-foot radius. Get down here, you!"
>Before Gilda can react, you wrap your arms around her midsection and tug enough for her to lose balance but not come crashing down.
>As she falls, Gilda lets out a squawk of surprise.
>...
>Did she really just do that?
>You've seen so many cat traits from her, you forgot she's also part eagle.
>Don't laugh. Those talons are dangerously close to you now.
>Her head now rests on one of your legs. The front half of her body occupies the rest of your lap while the rest lay limply to the side.
>"Do you want me to choke y--"

>>30033518
>Her voice dies off as you adjust an arm so it now supports her head and wraps around to rest against her chest feathers.
>Damn that shit is soft.
>Your other arm lies on her side, hand lightly stroking her fur.
>This ain't half bad.
"Does this work?"
>Gilda only stares at you.
>Not the predator stare, thank goodness. The calmer-than-calm one.
>Did Rainbow Dash look something like this?
>Before you can properly settle in, Catbird wiggles her rear, sliding it over until her lower half rests along your legs.
>"Better."
>Nothing else is said as you continue your intense hugging session.
>Not long after, you feel the familiar vibrations of before permeating your body.
>Sounds a bit louder though.
>...
>You know, this feels nice.
>Sure you prefer cuddling smaller ponies (you'll never admit out loud Dash was your favorite), but this is a good kind of different.
>Gilda's purring up a storm, giving you a pleasant feeling.
>Yea.
>This isn't bad at all.


"Feel free to get off me anytime."
>"Can it, dweeb."
"You can't get any bits if you don't move."
>Gilda twitches ever so faintly, still staring at you.
>"Whatever, I'll live."
>Isn't that the reason she came here in the first place?
"I really don't want to move you--"
>"Then don't."
"--But I can't sit here forever."
>"Gilda?"
>Twilight calls out to the lazy gryphon.
>"Yea, yea. I'll get up in a few... hours."
>Oh hell no.
>Not even Twilight got this needy.
>Time for evasive action.
"Catbird, I just want you to know... It can't work."
>Her expression doesn't change.
"You only love me for my /body/, not for who /I am/."
>That gets a reaction. She goes from content to disgruntled.
>You never stopped talking.
"...Not to mention the whole long-distance thing. I mean, who wants to wait--"
>"Shut up, Anonymous. You talk too much"
>Rude.
>Gilda sighs.
>"I'm getting up."
>You remove your arms from around her, allowing her to flip over onto the floor.
>Suddenly you feel empty.

>>30033520
>She proceeds to stretch out, only this time it's a lot like a cat. Back arched and everything.
>When she's done, she walks over to Twilight.
>...
"Are you SERIOUSLY going to do this shit again???"
>Catbird pauses as she reaches Book Horse.
>"Yup."
>Son of a--
>You stand up, choosing not to rub your sore ass and instead taking a seat on the stool you used before.
>To be honest, there's not much of a difference.
>Glancing over to Twilight, you see her writing a stream of words as Gilda whispers into her ear.
>Despite a few pauses, Book Horse doesn't turn red.
>Big deal.
>You don't need to know what's being said.
>Nothing important, you bet.
>Gilda's just doing this to fuck with you.
>Right, because she's--
>"What are you staring at, dweeb?"
>When the fuck did she get here?
>She's perched on top of her stool, returning your stare with one of her own.
"Is 'dweeb' a special nickname you use for all your besties?"
>Gilda brings up talon to mock-gag at your comment.
"So is that a 'maybe', or..."
>"It's a rude name for wimps, or nerds."
>You hear Twilight fidget oh so softly in her seat.
>"But I could set it aside as an insult just for you."
>Gilda sneers at you, but it's lighthearted more than anything.
>You place a hand over your heart.
"You would do that for me? Shit, this is the best gift I've ever received."
>"Why am I not surprised?"
>Twilight, as usual, interrupts the fun.
>"Booping: check. Massage: check. Hugs and/or cuddling: check."
>She glances up to Gilda, a smile on her face.
>"That's everything! Thank you very much Gilda and Anonymous. Gilda, here's your payment."
>Twilight levitates a brown pouch over to Catbird, who takes it.
>You can hear the bits clinking together as she inspects the contents.
>...
"You got PAID to do this?!?"
>Fucking hell, how did it JUST hit you?
"That wasn't a job, it may have well been a day at the fucking spa!"
>Gilda only smiles smugly.
>Thankfully Book Horse is here to knock some sense into you.

>>30033526
>"Anonymous, we had no idea what could've happened. Gryphons aren't ponies, so in reality Gilda was taking a risk when she accepted."
>Ugh.
>Technically correct is the worst kind of correct.
>Gilda tosses the pouch in the air a few times, still grinning at you.
>"All in a day's work."
>You flip her off, which she proudly returns.
>...In hindsight, teaching that to her probably wasn't the smartest idea.
>"Looks like I'm out of here."
>You raise a hand in farewell.
"You're mean, and I'm alright with that. Take care."
>Gilda shakes her head, chuckling.
>"You're the weirdest minotaur I've ever seen, and that's fine with me."
>D'awwww.
>Gilda returns the gesture before getting off her seat, slowly walking to the library entrance.
>You watch as she opens the door, passing through the doorway before reaching back with her... tail to close it.
>Cool.
>Just as you turn around, a voice interrupts you.
>"Anonymous!"
>Looking back, you see Gilda poking her head through the doorway.
>"I don't know if you've ever been to Griffonstone, but... if you ever visit sometime..."
>She rubs the back of her head.
>"...maybe we could meet up again. You're not half-bad."
>Eh...
"Remember what I said about loving me for who I am?"
>Gilda groans.
>"Stop it already."
>You snort.
"Sure. That would be... nice."
>Gilda smiles.
>"Cool."
>Her head disappears behind the doorframe.
>"Later dweeb!"
>With that classy remark, the door slams shut.
>...
>Huh.
>The library is suddenly a lot quieter.
>You turn back to Twilight, who's also smiling.
>"Looks like somepony made a new friend today."
>You roll your eyes.
"'Friend' is a strong word. In fact, even 'acquaintance' would be stretching it... I prefer the term 'hate-buddy'."
>"Call it what you want, I know a friendship when I see one."
>Yessir, because you're the expert on making friends.
>"You should be proud, Anonymous. It's notoriously difficult for anypony to make friends with a griffon. They can be very... impolite at times."
"No shit."

>>30033530
>"All of that aside, thank you for your assistance today. I know it was difficult at times and I appreciate you sticking around."
>You grimace.
"Somebody has to do it."
>...
>Remembrance!
>You glance over to the purple pony.
"You recall earlier when I said you owe me something?"
>Twilight looks at you with apprehension.
>"...Possibly."
"The words Gilda spoke to you in private. What'd she say?"
>Twilight freezes up.
>You can see her eyes shift around as she searches for something to bullshit her way out of the situation.
>There is no escape, Book Horse.
>"Uhhh..."
>You /will/ get answers.
-------

Pastebin: https://pastebin.com/5gQ5hMeU

Part 6 done. Criticism needed, etc.

What the FUCK is this??? This isn't the cute ponies you were expecting!!! IT'S FUCKING SHIII--
Yea, decided to mix it up a little with some catbutt. Don't worry, next update will bring back adorable poners. A thank you to whomever is enjoying reading this story as much as I do writing it.

>>30033534
Kek noice man, though what did she say lol

>>30033641
She came.

So did Fizzles never continue this Redheart green? https://pastebin.com/v8dgiqrx

I really, really NEED want more of this to exist.

>>30033697
It's never coming back.
It will remain unfinished.
Because you touch yourself at night.

>>30025389
>>30025371
>Be Changeling Lyra
>Been hanging out with your sisses at the park
>Colgate did this awesome spell
>You leaned in for a better view
>Now you’re on a smooth hard floor instead of the grass
>You look around
>This is the lockerroom you were looking at
>You have two thoughts at this revelation.
>One: How could Colgate have screwed up a spell badly enough that this happened?
>It takes a lot of doing to make a remote viewing spell do anything other than view.
>Scrying panes normally just aren’t built for doing anything other than scrying.
>The ones that aren’t are either custom made for a specific job, unreliable to the point of being unusable, or really really expensive.
>Sometimes all of those at once.
>The one you were using at the park was none of these.
>And Two: This is the stallions locker room on an alien world.
>You want some of dem ayy guys.
>You don’t see any in here at the moment, which is probably a good thing.
>Don’t want to freak them out.
>Stallions generally don’t like mares in their locker rooms.
>Knowing this key fact, you decide to find your way out into a more mare-friendly locale.
“Showers are over there, that’s the toilets…” you mutter to yourself
>That might be the exit over there.
>You find that it is indeed the exit over here.
>You slip out through it into the public section of the building.
>There aren’t any aliens close by to see you leave, but you expect there will be some around here somewhere.
>Time to explore and find them.
>You haven’t had a holiday for ages, let alone one outside Equestria.
>You’re so excited!

>>30033534
As long as there's passive aggressive snuggles going on I don't care if it's a poner or a catbird.

Really enjoyed the dialogue this time round though dude, can't wait to see what's in store next time.

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>>30033936
Welp, guess i might as well kill myself then.

Does anyone know any Nurse Redheart/Anon greens? I've come across a few before but haven't been able to find them again.

>>30032085
Slave Pone thread is technically PiE stories.

>>30036408
They aren't too bad either, but they are limited in scope.

>>30036117
A better question is when are they going to make robot pony waifus so you can live your own Redheart story?

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>>30036663
>Celestia gets two ropones of herself

>>30037155
>"Gee Celestia, how come your mom lets you have two robopones?"

>>30037706
>"Because page 9 bump, that's why."

>>30038557
How about MAKE SOMETHING!?

I DEMAND PONYNET STORY!

I DEMAND LUNA CHECK ANON'S DREAM [inserthere] STORY

>>30039213
Pastebin?

>>30039356
>>29950633

>>30039529
Thank

>>29999810
I hate monday

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>>30039873

>>30033534
Perfect 'test' subject. Excellent update. Descriptive and the dialog was well done. Flowed nicely.

bump 8 before going to sleep

>>29998966

>"How about we set up a time then. I'm think I could work you in any day this week." Twilight says levitating over a new scroll before pouring over it.
>Spike has made his way from behind here and seems to have taken interest in your bag of gems, a few of which have spilled out on the floor.
>"Hey Anon, you think maybe I could get a couple of those? They look delicious."
>Twilight levitates her scroll aside giving spike an annoyed look "Spike don't be rude, besides you just ate."
"These are just gemstones."
>You explain hoping to dispel any confusion as to what you're carrying.
>He likely has a strong sense of smell and is picking up traces of the food you had in the bag earlier.
>"Uh yeah..I know." He says looking at you as if you might be simple.
>Now you're just plain bewildered. Well at least there's any easy way to see where this is going.
"Feel free to take a few if you like. I only need the most clear ones anyway. Well that and someone to cut gems."
>"Sweet, thanks!" You watch as the young dragon begins to grab clawfuls of the gems popping them in to his mouth a few at a time.
>When he gets to a larger one he bites in to it like an apple, leaving clearly cut teeth marks through the gems.
>You're more than a bit amazed. No signs of cracking obvious in the gem, it wasn't broken apart with pressure, it was just sliced cleanly through.
>His teeth may well be the sharpest thing you've ever encountered outside a mono-molecular blade.
>They're definitely among the hardest for him to tear through so many gems without chipping or breaking them.
>"You okay there Anon. You're creepin me out a little." Spike says hesitantly.
>It is only then you note that you've been staring rather obviously.
"Ah, my apologies. I've never seen anyone eat a gemstone before. Feel free to take a few more."
>As spike starts to pile his arms full Twilight looks over from her appointment list and frowns.

>>30042530

>"Don't eat all those at once Spike. You remember the stomach ache you got last time."
>Spike grumbles something noncommittal in reply and apparently satisfied Twilight returns her attention to you.
>"So about that meeting."She says beaming excitedly again. "When's good for you?"
"If you've the time free I could come back tomorrow evening. I've a few minor things to attend, but little else that should require my attention."
>"Great, I'll just write you in for tomorrow afternoon, that way we have plenty of time to cover everything."
>"Let's see I'm gonna need scrolls, and a few spare quills and "Twilight's continues to list things to herself as Spike pokes at your leg to get your attention.
>"You should probably just go ahead and leave while you can. She's gonna be like this for a while."
>Taking the little dragon's word for it you gather up the remainder of your gemstones and make your way from the castle.
>You must have spent more time than you thought in Spike's illusory game, as the sun is sinking low on the horizon when you exit the castle.
>Making haste you head for Rarity's boutique along the wide packed dirt streets of Ponyville.
>You find the shop with lights on, but a sign reading "closed" is on the door.
>You knock gently and try the handle finding it opens easily, pushing it slightly ajar you peek inside but see no one around.
"It is Anoniaus, may I enter?"
>You call out in to the seemingly empty shop.
>You don't have to wait long before a small white unicorn trots up to greet you, she looks similar to Rarity, but obviously younger.
>She looks at you for a moment before shouting towards the back of the shop "Rarity, there's a giant at the door!"
>Not really certain how to deal with this you just stand quietly waiting to see if her shouting has yielded any results.
>Just a moment later you see Rarity rushing down the stairs. "Sweetie Belle don't be rude. That's Anon, invite him inside."

>"Rarity says you can come in if you want." Sweetie says pushing the door further open.
>"Rarity says you're some kind of knight, are all of you aliens this big?"
>That draws a smirk from you, you haven't had much cause to interact with children in your lifetime, but you can always trust them to get to them to be blunt.
>You enter the boutique and close the door behind you before answering her question.
"I am an Astartes, that's a kind of human, most of us are this large, a few larger. Most humans don't grow over six feet tall, about here."
>You hold a hand up to your chest just a bit below your neck to indicate the appropriate height.
>"So what's the difference between a human and an Astartes?" She asks struggling with the word a bit.
>Before you get the chance to answer Rarity interjects from nearby where she's pulling a number of garments from behind a curtain.
>"Sweetie stop bothering Anon I'm sure he's very busy with the guard and has to get back soon."
>The filly pouts "I was just asking about him."
>You head for the far end of the shop where Rarity is sorting threw a few things.
"I don't mind the questions, it's not as if she's the only one curious in Ponyville."
>"That's very kind of you Anon, but right now we need to get you out of that armor to make certain everything fits."
>Rarity spends the next several minutes removing pieces of armor from you with her magic.
>You move whichever way is needed to make it easier on her, but take the chance to answer Sweetie Belles question.
>Of course answering one opened you up to a barrage of follow up questions.
>You do your best to answer her questions while keeping the answers appropriate for her age.
>It has only recently occurred to you that this planet may know little of the wider universe, and in some cases the less they know the better.

>>30042546
For some reason it's giving me connection errors when I try to link my posts, anyone else have that issue?

>>30042550

>That'll be something to discuss with the Princess tomorrow.
>You've likely already affected their culture simply with the knowledge you exist.
>What damage you might do by carelessly spreading word of the horrors that lie among the stars is untelling.
>Eventually Sweeite's line of questioning comes round to more recent events, specifically your recent visit from Princess Luna.
>Rarity decides to intercede on your behalf when Sweetie Belle asks if she can try out your magic sword.
>You see Rarity's blue magical aura pushing her sister towards the stairs leading up to the second floor, all the while her Sweeite Belle is protesting.
>"I wasn't gonna cut anything with it. I just wanted to see it." Sweetie whines as she's shoved onto the bottom step.
>"You can see it just fine where it is. Look with your eyes not your hooves. Now go finish your homework." Rarity says with a tone that will brook no argument.
>Sweeite sulks but does as she is ordered and heads upstairs leaving you to try on your new wardrobe in peace.
>It would seem that Rarity made all the garments you requested and a few more besides.
>Most of the pieces are fairly simple, at least the ones made to go beneath your armor, but extremely well made.
>For the Surcoat however she has outdone herself. A wing sword stands emblazoned on the chest in gold thread, against white cloth trimmed in places with green.
>The cloth feels sturdy, but soft to the touch. You know little about the tailors arts but suspect this must have been expensive to produce.
"I fear I shall never have cause to wear something so fine, for fear I might ruin it."
>You say as you hold it up to your chest to check the length.
>It appears to be large enough to go over your armor as you requested,and even splits partway down the back to allow it to sit between your back and your armors power supply.
>"That one is just for formal occasions darling."Rarity says levitating a similar, but much plainer surcoat towards you.

>>30042556

>This one appears to be made of a more coarse material, still finely sewn, but lacking in the gold thread that adorns the other.
>"These were simple enough to make so I took the liberty of making a few spares. I wasn't certain about the hood you asked for though."
>"The wings on your helmet stick up a bit far for the hood to cover and I didn't know if you intended to wear it up with that on."
"The holes won't be nessecary, I had intended to leave the hood down with my helm on. You have outdone yourself."
>After you tried everything on and Rarity has made enough adjustments to suit her taste you attempt to bring up the matter of price.
>"Oh I couldn't dream of charging you anything, you've already done so much to make our little town safer in your short time here."
"I must insist on some form of payment. After all I may need to request more from you in the future and I can't very well expect you to simply give everything away."
>You have done exactly that in the past, but those situations were a bit different.
>It's one thing to demand tribute from heretics, pirates, and rebel forces but quite another to do so when the inhabitants of this planet have treated you so kindly.
>The argument goes back and forth for a bit before Rarity, somewhat reluctantly agrees to send the bill to the garrison.
>With that done Rarity helps you with your armor once more and you bid her a good evening, departing for the garrison.
>It occurs to you Steel Heart might be somewhat annoyed by the unplanned expense the amount of items you've gotten likely a bit larger than what was planned for.
>Ah well, the Princess will likely cover it if it comes down to that, given the offere she extended you.
>Besides this is the first time in near a century you've been able to be so well dressed, fed, and clean.
>You'll have to take care to keep up with your training regime so this world doesn't make you soft.
>By the time you make it back to the Everfree garrison night has fallen.

>>30042559

Alright, that's all I had for the moment. Hope at least a few of you are still enjoying this. I wish I could write faster but with the limited time I've got I've been trying to update at least a couple times a week to keep things going. The story I have in mind is less than halfway done so gonna be at this for a while.

Here's the updated paste bin.

https://pastebin.com/4DcZLrJe

>>30042572
I've been reading since you started and I look forward to each new installment eagerly. I'm still amazed at how well you've done a 40k crossover, and how little cringe there is. It's great to hear that it's far from over, but you should definitely pace yourself and write better, not faster. Keep up the good work, you're about half of what keeps me in this general.

>>30042559
Love it

>>30036408
Slave Pone?

>Be Anon.
>One month ago you bought a pony from Ponymart.
>You needed someone to clean your house and do your laundry because you are a lazy bastard.
>You took the cheapest pony they had.
>She looked like she had been ridden hard and put away wet one too many times, but she never complained about anything and did whatever you told her to.
>She had some quirks though.
>"Master, could I use the restroom please?"
Yes, and again you do not have to ask me.
>You gave her a room with a real bed and actual furniture, but every night she goes through the same routine with you.
>"Master, have I been a good pony today?"
Yes Rarity.
>"May I sleep on the bed with you Master?"
Sure.
>She hops up to the foot of the bed. Almost touching you, but not quite. She circles around three times before curling up by your feet.
>"Goodnight Master."
Goodnight Rarity.
>If you tell her to get off the bed she'll sleep on the floor next to you. She will sneak out of her room even if you tell her to stay.
>You wonder if she's ever going to stop doing this.
>You wonder what happened to make her like this.
>But most importantly you wonder why you catch her staring vacantly out the window every once and a while.
>Oh well, your clothes have never been cleaner and they fit much better than they used to. You suspect she has been altering them while you are at work.
>She's such a good pony.

>>30042572
Yus

what happened to zew?

>>30042760
I appreciate the praise and am glad to know that I've so far managed to keep it from being a cringe fest. I'll take your advice and focus on quality over quantity as well.

>>30043115
>>30044005

Also glad to see that people are enjoying this. Thanks for reading.

>>30042572
Wow, you really sucked me in there Fallanon. I was a bit confused in the beginning but I chalk that up to me not being familiar with the source material you've drawn inspiration from. The world building fell into place very well and explanations brought forth in story at appropriate times has left me with a comfortable understanding on Anoniaus and the story. I look forward to your next update.

>>30045313
Thank you, I'm glad to know the explanations I've tried to put in have been helping. I figured not everyone was gonna be familiar with the 40k setting so I've been trying to include pertinent information as I went
The meeting with Twilight is going to help more with that I think.

>day Thingin' in th' Rain in Equestria
>be Anonymous
>it's cloudy and rainy
>days like this make you feel like shit
>you can't feel any enthusiasm for anything
"I don't like thing."
>see a vaguely familiar looking tan Earth Pony with strawberry blonde mane and tail step out of an alley
>oh, it's Thingpone
>she's crying
>"Well I still like you."
>it was a day of comic misunderstandings

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So, is Thingpone related to Shoggothlestia?

>>30043280
Comfy.
Time to expand it.

>>30044245
Sold to gypsies.

>>30045953
Poor Sunbutt. Who did that to her?

>>30045953
>>30047278
It is from the 'Reflections' story arc in the IDW Comic books. I've heard much REEEEing about the comics but I enjoyed that one. It was a good poke in the feels.

>>30047278
I realized I didn't answer your question.
It was the Celestia and Luna on the other side of that mirror in the background. FYI; it is not the same mirror that leads to the EqG universe.

>>30045598
Oh no. Poor Anoniaus'! An interoga...err interview with Twilight. THE. HORRORS!
kek
I look forward to it.

bump 8

>>30042572
Fucking love your work.

>>30048237
>>30048777
Thanks to both of you. Also got a decent chance to write today so depending on work hours tomorrow I may have an update sooner than expected. Failing that I'll just save everything I manage up for a few days and do one long update.

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>>30047629
Ah. Evil!Celestia from the comics. I find her to be sexy as hell, but that whole "evil" thing is a problem.

>>30042559
I await moar green

>>30046246
Comfy Slave Pone?

>"Master?"
Hmmm?
>"May I get up now? I need to make your dinner."
Five more minutes.
>"Of course Master."
>You lounge on the couch with Rarity laying across your lap as you pet her.
>The TV is on some Netflix show that you're not really watching as you enjoy how soft her fur is.
>You do feel bad because you know she probably doesn't enjoy this, but pony fur is so nice.
>Plus you own her and she has to do what you say and right now you say it is time for couch cuddles.
>Not that she would complain.
>She doesn't even flinch when you touch her anymore.
>You wish she would ask for affection once and a while, or tell you no, or behave like something other than a robot all the time.
>Oh well, the food she makes is really good. Not restaurant quality, but wholesome and filling nonetheless.
>You let her up because you are done being selfish. That and you have to go to the bathroom.
>You can't tell her that though.
>Her last owner used her as a toilet for a while and if she finds out you have to go she will offer herself to you.
>Gross.
>Not your fetish.
>You're a titfuck man just like dear old Dad.
>God bless his perverted bones.

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>>30049507

Nice to see an owner that deserves a pon, tiny horse is not for treating poorly.

Remember to wash your horse regularly.

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>>30049626
Make sure you use the appropriate pony washing appliances.

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>>30044877
>"Hey kid, wanna snuggle somepony?"
"That's a weird question."
>"You're a weird question. Seriously, your face is a question mark. How does that even happen?"
"I dunno."
>"Whatever. So, do you want to snuggle somepony?"
"I guess. I wanna snuggle with her."
>"I meant with me."
"But I wanna snuggle with her instead."
>"Why her? What's she got that I don't have?"
>"My snuggle-sense is tingling!"
"I was going to say she looks really soft and comfy, but I think she also has ESPN."
>"What."
>"I don't. I just have really good selective hearing about snuggles. Ooh, a human! Don't see many of those in Equestria. What's your name, little guy?"
"I'm Anonymous. Nice to meet you!"
>"This is not going the way I intended."
>"Anonymous, huh? My name's Pillow Ca- wait a minute. I could swear I've seen you before."
"I don't think I've seen you before."
>"I'm pretty sure you haven't, kid."
>"No, I'm certain that I saw you the last time I was on Earth. In a grocery store, I think?"
"I don't remember ever seeing any ponies on Earth."
>"Y-yeah! That'd just be silly. Come on, Anon. Let's get away from this silly mare."
>"Where have you been for the last four years? There are plenty of ponies on.. oh no! I didn't see you in the store, I saw your face on a milk carton!"
"Does this mean I'm famo- ACK! Dash, put me down!"
>"Nope! She was going to kidnap you! We have to get as far away from her as we can!"
"I don't understand!"
>"I read about it in the news! There's some weird reverse-kidnapping thing going on where somepony pretends to recognize a kid as being kidnapped and lead the kid away!"
"She was only talking about milk!"
>"Some milk cartons have pictures of missing people on them! She lied about seeing you on one."
"Oh, okay."
>"Whew. I think we lost her. Stay with me, kid. I'll keep you safe."
"Okay."
>"So, how about some congratulatory snuggles for your rescuer?"
"I don't feel like snuggling somepony any more. I almost picked the wrong one."
>"Oh, for the love of..."