Anonymous in Equestria Thread #1106

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>>28559070
I claim this thread in the name of Princess Cadance

>>28559070
More like *Posts lengthy piece of blood sweat and tears*, "Ok".

>>28559091
The fuck is going on with her chest area in that picture, did she see a picture of a human female and get some implants to try and impress anon?

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>>28559180
I dunno. I hardily check the cadance pics i click on anymore.

I got some green I finished is anyone wants it.

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>>28559188
Nice dubs kid, best princess indeed.

>>28559219
OF COURSE we want it. Gib.

>>28559219
heck yea freindo. lets have us a look-see.
Looksee?
look see?
goddamit just post.

>>28559091
>>28559096
>>28559188
>>28559220
Fuck this gay shit. Bringing AiE back to its roots.

>Be Anonymous
>Big surprise, you're in Equestria
>Bigger surprise, Rainbow Dash wants to show you her new moves
>A longer loopty loop does not make a new move
"A longer loopty loop does not make a new move!"
>She yells at you from a cloud
>"Yes it does! Did you see how close to the ground I was? It was extra dangerous!"
"I've seen you crash into tons of things while going mach 3 and walk away fine. There's no danger."
>"Oh yeah?!"
>She stands on her hind legs and falls backwards off the cloud
>Real funny
>She'll just open her wings and glide away
>She's starting to gain quite a lot of speed
>If she was actually willing to hit the ground it'd be like a reverse belly flop
>That'd sure sting like a b
>Okay, running out of time to turn around
>She's closing in on you
>Any second now...
>...
>Indigent little tart!
>You hold out your arms and catch Rainbow, her velocity nearly pulling you to the ground as well
>Her face is scrunched as if waiting for a big kaboom
>When the crash doesn't come she tentatively opens an eye landing on your less than happy expression
>She looks around just to be sure. Noticing her position her face lights up with glee
>"You do care!"
"Stop doing stupid things to prove a point!"
>"I-I mean, it wasn't stupid. I knew you'd catch me."
"It's not like I'd let you hit the ground. Seriously though, tone down the dare devil act. You're eventually going to hurt yourself."
>"Pfft, don't be such a downer. Look up tough in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me."
"And under hardheaded is a picture of you butting heads with Applejack."
>"Ha ha, very funny. And under worrywart is a picture of you."
"I'd rather not have to be carrying you to the hospital the next time you end up in my arms."
*poof*
"Rainbow, why did you extend your wings?"
>"It was a delayed reaction!"

>>28559230
>>28559299
K.
>The squeak of sneakers on a basketball court echoing through the gym put you at ease.
>As long as you've been here you had no Idea the ponies had basketball.
>It seemed as tho buckball was their only sport
>But this was straight up basketball!
>The personal fouls, the fast breaks the rimjobs , the slam dunks, it all felt so familiar.
>"hey, anon!" calls Ponk. She swishes from half court while maintaining eye contact.
>U-unf
>"ya ready to get dunked on?"
>You may be a bit rusty, but you can teach these horses a thing or two.
>These horses are teaching you a thing or two, like how easy it is to steal the ball from you due to your height.
>They're also teaching you that an 8 ft goal don't mean a damn thing to an earth pony
"Holy shit you mares can jump"
>But that didn't stop you from swatting down most of Pinkies layups.
>Her pouts were too much
>When you finally did keep the ball you crossed apple jack into the shadow realm.
>Pones aren't built to move sideways on all fours it turns out, good to know.
>Now that you're clear, it's time for your first dunk
>You explode down the court, and jump as high you could.
>You arch your back and throw both arms behind you and slam it into the hoop with a roar.
>The glass backboard shatters ans showers you with sparkling fragments.
>At least that's how it went in your head.
>You try to slam it Jordan style with your tongue hanging out, but you end up banging your wrist on the rim and falling flat on your ass.
>You didn't know your wrist had a funny bone.
>Bounce Pass, your team mare asks if you're hurt.
"Just my pride really" you say waiting for the pins and needles to leave your clutched wrist.
>"You still made the shot if it makes you feel any better"
>It kinda does.
>She helps you to your feet and over to the bench.
>Pinkie ally-oops it to the stallion with a bowl cut the her team wins.
>The pink mare pops party favors in celebration.

>>28559381
>Ponko struts over with that smug, shit-eating grin of hers.
"Don't rub it in too hard"
>"I'll be gentle nonny"
>This mare
>"shame you dinged your foreho-arm back there, it would have made a great dunk."
"Yeah I'm guess I'm just used to higher hoops"
>"nice hoof work too, you crossed the buck out of AJ"
>"Ah'll git em next time" Aj cut in, "Ah just never gaurded the like of 'im before."
"Maybe a one on one could settle the score."
>"Perhaps it would"
>"And I could teach ya how to dunk' Pinkie added.
"how about tomorrow? I'll be off work.
>"It's a date" they both say in unison.
>The two make their way to the showers and you head home.
>Basketball in horse land.
>Who knew?

>Next day
>The game is intense
>Two on one is almost unfair, for them
>You have to get a bit lower than normal to keep them from going between your legs.
>Not that you minded too much, Pinkie's rump kept her from slipping under you very easily and you were certain AJ's last tail flick was intentional.
>Lewd thoughts like those are not meant for basketball shorts however.
>To keep your composure you had to think that fucking horses was somehow a bad thing.
>You were able to intercept some of their passes with your superior reach.
>If only the ball was small enough to palm, you would destroy this game.
"you gotta back me up to the hoop Ponko"
>"I thought this was a rematch"
"It wont be fun if theirs no challenge"
>"alright you asked for it"
>The bouncy mare bumped you with her plush posterior and ducked around your guard.
>You you could barely keep up with her down the lane.
>She bounces it off the glass and AJ slams it in your face.
"And that's how ya dunk sugarcube" she tips her hat triumphantly and slaps the ball to you with her tail.
>Oh, it's on.

"I crossed you once, I'll do it again"
>And so you did.
>She made the mistake of standing on her hind legs this time.
>You bounced the ball off of her chest and spun past her, she was too busy regaining her balance to chase you.
>This time was for sure.
>Only pinkie stood in your way.
>run fuckit.exe as administrator
>You jumped from the free throw line and it through off her timing
>By the time she was up there with you it was too late, she got a face full of crotch
>You Dunked it hard enough to shake the whole post and you leave both elbows in the hoop
>HO LEE FUK THAT FELT GOOD
>you drop with a super hero landing and AJ and Ponk share the hype with you
>"Taaarnation anon!"
>"Wowie wow that was amazing"
>Damn right it was
>"Looks like nonny's more gifted than we thought"
>"Yeah, but Ah think ye overdid it there sugarcube" She motions her head to the cracked back board.
>Looks like you'll have to play half court for a while.....worth it
"How long will that take to fix?"
"Till that pinhed janitor gets off his backside and zaps it."
>Oh yeah, magic.
"In that case, I think now is a good time to pack it in. Hit the showers ladies"
>You get a synchronized "aww".
>You could use a shower yourself, there was no way you were walking home like this.

>You sigh in relief as the water hit's your action figure like pecs and chiseled abs.
>Since you arrived you ate a vegetarian diet and it payed off.
>Maybe vegan gains wasn't completely full of shit.
>Wait.
>You get the sudden feeling that you're being watched, you turn to hall abck at the lockers and see a flash of color duck behind a row of lockers.
>You swear if another stallion want's to see your "Monkey chode" you'll be livid.
>It's not even a chode! It's just thicker in the center than it is at the tip. the opposite of fat headed thin-
>Oh hey it's apple jack, you guess this is better than a dude. She's not wearing her hat either
>l-lewd
>Tracking her eyes tells you that she's looking for something to hang her hat on.
"My eye's are up here AJ"
>"g-gimme a sec"
>How does the whole nudity thing work here? You were sure that she wouldn't care if you were naked, or maybe your unique dingus has her in a trance.
>This could be interesting.
>you give you hips a shake to snap her out of her daze, her eyes simply follow you peen and her tail lifts slightly.
>See somethin ya like lil' missy
>she nods slowly before snapping back to reality
>"Oh, well A-ah was just wondrin' the nature of a creature s-such as yourself-"
"Uhuh."
>she tried her best to keep looking up at you, but her best wasn't good enough.
>"And seein as ya ain't a pony but still a feller I got to thinkin er uh-"
"Uhuh."
>"An' pinkie told me that you seem to to-to protrude thicker than the average-"
"Turn around." you finally say.

>"O-ok" she says with a squeak.
>She about faces and you get your first good look at horsepussy, not bad.
>Her clit can't seem to decide weather to be exposed or not, you figure it's a horse thing.
>"I-it aint' polite ta stare ya knoOOO~"
>You dug your fingers into her spasming gash. The benis stirrs as she massages your fingers with her depths.
>"he-heehaaa~", her attempt at speach devolves into heavy breathing.
>It's so cute that she's trying to talk, but no.
>You quickly remove your fingers, causing her to squeak again.
>You brush the tip of your member against her sodden folds and she bends down to give you a better angle.
>Now that you're properly lubricated, you push into her inviting marevag.
>She pushes back against you to get you as deep as possible.
>You elicit moans from AJ when begin to rock slowly
>"Fffaster" she moans into the floor.
>That's your que to grab her tail and rutt her for all she's worth.
>The room is filled with the wet slapping of your nethers, and moans of pleasure
>"HEY", a disgruntled voice calls out. "You better not be BUCKIN' in there again"
>You and AJ now had a firm understanding of the word feargasm.
>"I swear if you shit dicks Buck in here one more time I-" The unicorn janitor AJ mentioned earlier must have heard you while doing his rounds. Now he's standing here with his face as read as a stoplight.
>"I-i'll come back later" he stammers before high tailing it out of the locker room.
"looks like we're done here Jack"
>AJ's hind legs give in and she plops onto the floor.
>Aww she's all tuckered out.
>you wash her off and carry her home.

That's the end for now this place is pretty dead though, must be all the shimmer and glimmer threads.
Feedback appreciated.

>>28560258
I take it engrush isn't your first language.

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>>28560258
That bad huh?

>>28560343
Bitch we slow

>>28559380
That was cute.
Write more faggot.

>>28560677
I like cute
YOU WRITE MORE

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>>28560930
NO!

>>28560943
>Celestia thought she found friends on this internet of Anon's
>This was great news, for if she could make friends without ever having used it before than Anon certainly could
>But while riding her good deed high a single post showed her the truth
>She was wrong
>There was no friendship to be found here
>No wonder Anon was always so bitter
>Devastated so completely there was only one thing she could do
>She jumped from her balcony straight into the lake miles below
>Unfortunately she is immortal

>>28561191
>Celestia wants to die, but can't.
>She tries to get Anon to help her, but he isn't interested.
>She comes to his house and begs.
>She sends him letters calling him a "Poopy head" hoping to enrage him.
>She withholds sex, but Anon isn't interested in sticking his dick in crazy.
>In the end Anon talks to Luna about it and hopes for the best.

How hard would it be to secretly piss off Luna and make her publicly lose her composure anyway?

>>28561450
Only Chronic Public Masturbater Anon knows for sure.

>>28561450
Ask Celestia

>>28561311
>You make your daily sleep-drunken stagger to your mailbox.
>Let's see what we have here.
>Bill, bill, walnut, bill, a picture of a walnut. and one with a royal seal on it,
>You wonder what Scathing insult she has for you today..
>She might go so far as to call you a jerk , but that's a bit dark for her.
>Dear Anonymous, whereas you have refused to perform your duty as,blah blah blah whereas, blah blah, Issued a FINE OF ONE MILLION BITS?
>Hell naw, to the naw naw naw.wav
>You march up to the castle with fire in your eyes, there's no way she expects you to pay this.
>You step into your throne room with guard pones holding firmly to both your ankles.
>"Greetings anonymous, hows my favorite human doing?" Celly says with that all knowing smile of hers.
>Her face has never looked so punchable.
"You know why I'm here Celly"
>"To end me?"
"I just might"
>One of the guards bite your ankle at that statement.
"Ow, ok I won't"
>"Return to your posts, I'll be fine"
>The guards salute and return to their posts.
"You've got my attention ok? Now can you repeal this so I can keep my house?"
>"Very well, Anonymous, you are hereby pardoned."
"You can't still be in a funk about being called a Bad Horse , it's the intern- "
>Celestia was choking back tears and sniffling.
>You sigh and aporach her throne with your arms outstretched for a hug.
>You are greeted with 70 lbs of sobbing sun horse to the chest.
>"Then hic they hic called hic me hic a hic m-m-meanie queenie" she wailed.
"There there, We'll get that pardon in writing and then go get some ice cream."
>"I-I want sprinkles and cookie bits"
"Whatever you want Celly."

>>28561924
She does not deserve sprinkles.

>>28560258
I'll always appreciate AJ lewds, and personally I liked it, though fair warning I make a shit critic because it's rather easy to please me.

crosspostan
>>28562144
>>28562138
>>28562402
>Be Anon in Equestria
>Ponies have decided that since you are not a pony, you cannot be in a herd.
>"What do you call a group of you ape things anyway? An apening? A murder of apes? No, that's crows. A rape?"
>They are still undecided on what to call more than one human.
>Have shacked you up in the schoolhouse with a pony called Cherilee on the grounds that you can't break anything important there.
>Everything there is fillyproofed, after all.
>Teacherhorse has you grade papers sometimes to practice reading horserunes.
>You'd rather just have some books, but that would require going to the library.
>Which is forbidden, as it would involve you being near another pony.
>Apparently fillies do not count as a full pony because they are small, so you're allowed to be near them.
>Libraryhorse tried to sneak you into the library once, but was almost run out of town.
>It took lots of convincing from Cheerilee to convince the other ponies that you are just stupid and wandered in to the library by yourself
>Fucking weird pony customs

>>28561964
>Be Princess Celestia.
>Be a bad horse.
>You know you are a bad horse because it said so on the internet.
>You're so sad, how could you do something like this?
>How could you let everypony down?
>You begin to cry.
>"SHUT THINE MOUTH, SISTER! WE ART TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"But I'm a bad pony."
>"WE ARE LEAVING YOU FOREVER!"
>Luna flies off.
>She's probably right to do that, she'd just end up a bad horse too if she hung around with you.
>You are the saddest horse.
>Wait.
>You know what to do.
>You will ask your best friend what to do.
>Then you will know what to do to do.
"Guards, take a letter."
"Dear Princess Anonymous,"
"I am a bad pony and this makes me sad, what do?"
"With all the love, Princess Celestia"
"Okay send it."
>The guard runs off with a scroll in his mouth.

>Be Tomorrow's Celestia
>You did not get any sprinkles on your icecream.
>You died because of this.
>"You're not dead."
"Yes I am."
>You're totally dead.
>RIP
>"Can you go be dead somewhere else?"
"No."

>>28559180
Yes.

>Be Candance, princess.
>Alien sighted.
>It's tall and has not been fucked.
>This cannot stand.
>You have a duty as princess to fuck all the things.
"Shiny, could you come over here? I've found something that I might need some help dealing with."
>Your beloved husband comes over.
>"Oh, you mean Anon?"
"You've met him?"
>"Yeah, he's Twiliy's new friend."
"I need to fuck him."
>"I'm not sure he's into ponies."
"NEED"
"TO"
"FUCK"
"HIM"
>"I'll have the guards do some recon work and we'll see what we can learn about him."
"Thanks honey."

>A week later the guards have returned.
>It looks like female Anonymouses have bumpy things on their upper torsos.
>You need bumpy things too if you're going to get some alien dickings.
>You book the horsepital to do some surgery to give you some.
>Nothing escapes your love.
>Nothing.

>>28562888
kek
horsepital

>>28561191
Immortal != indestructible.

>>28562986
Indestructible until the sun burns out.

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>>28562888
You gon get LOVED.

>>28562716
A group of humans would just be called a group or maybe a gaggle but just because, I'm gonna say it would be a "pack of humans"

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>>28562888

>>28562997
Considering the timescale of the universe, it's not that much really. Our very own galaxy bore witness to countless generations of stars, as it shall do for many more.
Horse sun seems similar to our own, main sequence yellow star in it's prime, so it got ~5 more good billion years to look forward to.

>>28559091
Claimed in the name of worst pone...

>>28562986
>Be Celestia
>You are immortal horse with the worlds biggest boo-boo
"Kiss it to make it better."
>"I told you to get out of my house."
"It hurts to move."
>"Here's an idea. Don't go throwing yourself off of things that leave you paralyzed until Twilight gets back."
"You could cast the spell."
>"I'm not a horse!"
"Kiss it and make it better."
>Anonymous gets his coat
>"I'm going to go find Twilight, and you better pray she doesn't ask me for a favor in return."
*slam*
"I know he means well."

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>>28564722
Worst you say?

>>28564765
>Celestia gets herself injured in an attempt to get a kiss from Anon

>>28565835
Poor loving sun horse.
Luna needs to find a therapist. For herself too.
Just don't let Cadence get involved.

>>28565835
>on goes the bandaid, look up at the happy sun horse and wonder what her plan is after this.
>She's only got one more knee to scrape.
>You admit, it was cute at first, now they think you're the royal surgeon or something.
>Those scrunches from Red Heart tipped you off.
>You've got to put your foot down, even if it is royalty
>"May I have a cherry lolipop this time anon?"
"No Celly, I give lolis to good mares that don't hurt themselves on purpose.
>Oh..." she trails off "okay" her ears fall and she's gone in a flash of light.
>You don't feel a thing, the last thing you'd let her do was drain your lolipop stash.
>Later at the castle.
>"Oh stop your groveling, it was only a matter of time." Luna says with a huff.
>"Easy for you to say, I bet he'd give you two lollipops! Celestia spits.
>Luna blushes at the thought
>"I-in any case what dost thou even see in this creature?"
>"You wouldn't understand, you don't have any interest in stallions."
>"I did once"
>"Really? What hape-"
>Luna responds with a glare.
>"Oh, sorry"

>Night Adventure in Equestria
>Be Anon
>People have been complaining that there is too much cute and sex stories, and not enough adventure stories
>So today you are going on an adventure
>Except you took an afternoon nap and now it's dark
>What? You were tired
>But darkness shall not impede your quest
"To the basement!"
>Yes, the basement
>The dreaded realm of spooky sounds and cobwebbed corners
>Your electrician was some sort of sadist what with putting in just one light bulb that barely lights the steps
>And flickers because it's getting old and you've been putting this off as long as possible
>BUT TODAY IS THE DAY YOU BECOME A HERO
>With new light bulb in hand you walk down the creaky steps relying solely on the light from the kitchen
>Okay
>Deep breath
>You unscrew the dying bulb praying for the ordeal to be over soon
>Standing on your tippy toes you try to line up the new bulb with the socket
"Go in you stupid—"
>The door shuts itself sealing you in darkness

>In the kitchen Derpy stumbles face first into the basement door
>"Ow. When did that door get there?"
>She sits on the floor rubbing her poor snout while searching for her friend
>The lights were on so he has to be here
>"Helloooooooo?"
>A deathly scream from downstairs rings through the house

>>28564161
Unless their universe runs on different rules than ours. For example, what if they exist in a steady state universe that is much younger than ours and does not expand. Like they literally have the flat earth and dome shit going on or they have a round planet, a star, and a moon with nothing else.

It's a magical fantasy world so the rules may not apply.

>>28567355
Might as well go full Planescape and call horseland a plane. Mount Celestia anyone? hue
"Sun" is a rift to the prime material plane of fire with Sun Butt having a strong connection to it, therefore tasked with maintaining said rift and moving it around.
And Moon Butt went full astral with her dreamwalking shenanigans.
Also Discord.

>inb4 Durnk with Anon in Planequestria

>>28567444
I'm totally down with that headcannon.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go update my journal.

>>28561191
That's so fucking cute. I wish I had friends too.

>>28562888
i love princess of sluts cadence.

>>28567444
The sun is a rift to the elemental plane of Celestia's butts.
Which was set on fire as a prank long long ago by Discord.
Luna's butthole is a portal to the moon, which is a moon.
Luna does not get an elemental plane for her butt because she chose the "dreamwalking" talisman instead of the "asses everywhere" talisman.

>>28567444
Why is my name there? I don't understand what you're saying.
>Be Anon in Planequestria
>It is a magical land of brightly coloured sapient talking planes.
>Pinkie Pie, a pink plane who loves parties, swoops past
>"Plonies!"
>You ignore her suggestion of what to call them.
>It's like the fourth day you've been here or something, so I don't have to write the arrival scene.
>You now live in Princess Twilight Sparkle's crystal hangar.
>This is because she is fascinated by a non-vehicular lifeform and brings you back here if you try to leave for too long, so that she can study you more easily.
>You have not quite gotten to the point of wanting to fuck an aeroplane.
>"But I'll be there when you are!" whispers Pinkie, who has somehow landed and wheeled herself up behind you.
>Fucking psychic aeroplanes
>"I'm not psychic, silly filly! I just read the story."

Alicorns are spaceplanes who just physically drag the (Smaller than ours) sun and moon around

>>28561924
It's 1 AM and I just pissed off my housemate by laughing at the image of a royal guard biting some guy's ankle. Thanks anon

>>28568330
the return of the writefag in absentia is nigh, and i bring green for all you little anons
>You peek your head over the ditch, and look at the target looming in the distance.
>The mid-morning gray paints a rather drab appearance, but it's not there for the looks.
>What gets your attention (and your worry) is the multitude of guards around the perimeter.
>Also, the fact that there is no night cover to sneak into the compound with...
>Looks like the covert way is simply impossible right now.
>You back away from the concealment of the small shrubbery to slide down the small ditch to report to your squad lead.
>Jersey looks at you curiously, mirroring Ivan's and Mango's visages.
>Sighing, you shake your head.
"No way. They got too many guards, it's too light out right now."
>Jersey wipes a hand down his face.
>"Ah, great. Now we's gotta try to use the fact that they don't know what exactly we look like to get inna there. Fan-fuckin'-tastic...on me."
>You get in line as he half-crawls the way away from your spotting position, eventually reaching a part of the road where the trees cover your exit from the base's line of sight.
>Checking left and right, he exits, the squad in tow.
>As he walks, he says a few commands.
>"Alrigh', weapons down, on safe. If we come runnin' up to the front gate guns blazin' we're jus' gonna get iced. Ivan?"
>"Da?"
>"Try not to speak, we can't be sure if they know we have a Russian with us."
>"...fine."
>"Mango, since you'se talked the least out of all of us, yer nominated as th' speaker. Jus' remember, if they find us out, iss yer fault."
>He chuckles, speaking with an audible eye roll.
>"Yeah, whatever ya say, boss man."
>"Now, Sisu, me an' you will try -not- to speak, but if we hav'ta, then try to...blend in with them."
"So...act like a total sperglord?"
>"Exactly."
>A smirk alights on your face for a moment.
"Alright, I'll give it my A-Game."
>Rounding the corner, you come into the sight of the ammo dump.

>>28568475

>The guards react, raising their weapons sluggishly after a moment, one of them barking a command.
>"Hey, who the fuck're you faggots?"
>Mango clears his throat.
>"We're the reinforcements comin' in to cover your lazy asses!"
>The slowly lower their weapons, turning to each other.
>You overhear them speaking to each other from their posts.
>"...did we call for reinforcements?"
>"...I don't think so. Though, if we did, I suppose those useless fucks in the rear were too busy jacking off to actually send a message."
>Ugh
>"But what about the sabote-"
>Jersey bumps Mango's back, who takes it as his queue to speak.
>"Hey, you gonna let us in, or what? Kinda hard to defend when we're not even inside the compound, man."
>The guards share one last look, before shaking their heads.
>"Fine. Just don't act suspicious. I don't wanna have to climb down from this place just to take you to the...uh..."
>He turns to his guard friend, and tries to make it so you don't hear him.
>Too bad he's speaking in a stage-whisper.
>"What do they call the military prison, again?"
>The other one stares at him for a moment.
>"...Brig."
>"Ah, thanks. Yeah, I don't want to have to take you to the brig."
>You doubt that they actually have one, or they actually know where it would be.
>The gate slowly parts, and Mango leads you through.
>"Hey, thanks-
>As soon as the door starts to close as you've walked through, he snorts in amusement.
>"-jackasses."
>Jersey situates himself in the middle of all of you, and speaks lowly, Mango guiding him away from any groups.
>"Alright, we can't jus' ask around where the ammo is. Apparently, they'se all up in arms about the saboteurs around n' about. So, we'se gonna have to find it ourselves."
>The surrounding anons look at your group inquisitively, hands subconciously going to their weapons.
>"Shit, alright, I'll finish this up. Try pokin' aroun', but try not ta be too obvious. Ivan, yer with me. Break on three."

>>28568478
>You share a few steps with your crew, before you step away, heading for a small building that has some smokestacks on the top.
>Well, looks like you found their mess hall.
>You open the door, walking through the entrance.
>For a brief moment, you see a few humans playing cards against some catbirds, and some absolutely massive hambeasts feasting upon some poor meal, along with some other anons just milling around.
>In an instant, all eyes are on you, the ones playing their card game stopping and staring, and the hambeasts pause their devouring, remnants of their food still dripping from their bulbous faces.
>Quick, play it off!
"H-hey, guys? How's it hangin'?"
>'How's it hangin'?' Really?
>They look at you for a moment, before looking at each other.
>They shrug, give a nod at you, then return to their business.
>You sigh with relief, moving to a empty table nearby.
>You aren't really good with people in general, and it's not like you want to talk to -them-.
>Especially when they think you might be a traitor.
>So you just resolve to sit there and eavesdrop, fiddling with the table.
>But of course, that doesn't happen, and some of the anons walk up and sit down.
>You get a very 'Rat-pack'-esque feeling from them.
>One of them, who you can smell the sweat and other bodily fluids on, speaks up.
>"'Sup, newfag. What hole they pluck you out of?"
>You shrug, and pull back your shawl and pull your dust-mask down, revealing your face, gentle smile masking your panic.
>'Shit, where the fuck did they come in from? We don't have any intel about that...'
>Time to bluff!
"Castle Griffinsteed. The fuck you think?"
>He whistles low.
>"They pulled you offa there? I thought that they were keepin' a full ship up there."
>Now that's curious.
"Oh, really? I don't think that place is -that- important."
>He takes the bait.
>"Yeah right, as if the main comms base would have almost no-one there."
>His compatriot, a skinny fellow who you decide to call 'Smalls', elbows him.

>>28568480
>The massive being sluggishly turns to his friend.
>"What'd ya do that for? I was just... Oh."
>He turns to you, eyes narrowed.
>"Forget I said that, alright newfag?"
>You nod, vigorously.
"Don't worry, I've already forgotten it!"
>Smalls whispers in Biggie's ear.
>A look of dull understanding comes over his face.
>"Oh shit, that's right! Come on Runts, we needa get some ammo before we forget again!"
>He and his friends stand up, the bench squeaking in relief, and he pats you on the shoulder with a meaty hand.
>"Alright, stay safe, new guy."
>You nod at him, before waving them off.
>Alright, looks like you've got your way to the ammo dump.
>But just getting up and following him immidiately would be a bad idea.
>Would look VERY questionable.
>So, you get up and go over to the line in the mess hall, and grab something to drink.
>You down it as you go, the soda you picked up going down easily enough.
>Possibly helped along by the fact that you haven't had anything except water in some time.
>You finish it and toss it into the trash can by the door, before exiting.
>You see hambeast and his pack walking into a building on the far end of the compound, and take note of the one they walk into.
>Replacing your shawl and dust mask, you smile to yourself.
>'Easier than I thought. Now, to get over there...'
>Taking a meandering path, you eventually wind up by the doorway, and you enter the building.
>'Had I thought it was going to be this easy, maybe I could've just checked every building until...until...'

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>>28568481
>You find yourself face to face with 'The Runts'.
>More specifically, their various bits of weaponry.
>pic related
>Now, usually, you wouldn't be intimidated by some random group of fuckheads.
>But the M60 and a handful of AK pattern rifles forces you to reconsider your choice of career.
>"Hands up, traitor!"
>You slowly raise your arms, jamming your mic in the 'on' position as you do so, shaking your head at your misfortune.
"Can't be a traitor if I was never on your side in the first pla-"
>Smalls decks you in the face with his rifle, and pulls you further into the room.
>His face is very similar to a rat, you notice.
>They continue to force you back, before stopping.
>"On your knees!"
>You pause to wipe your nose, before slowly complying.
>You just need to buy enough time for your squad to find out where you are.
>Smalls, growing impatient, barks out the command again.
>"On your knees, bitch! Now!"
>Seeing the words coming from him, you can't help but laugh.
"How long you been waitin' to say that?"
>He grits his teeth in anger, and smacks you in the face with the butt of his gun once again.
>This time, he draws blood, which you notice dripping down your face as you get up from the floor.
>Anger flows hotly through your veins, but you've learned your lesson.
>One of the other anons of the Runts pulls out his sidearm, and limp-wrists it at your head.
>"Any last words before I blow your stupid head off?"
>Smalls, who appears to the voice of (somewhat) reason, lowers his weapon for him.
>"Fuck're you doing?"
>"What the fuck you think? He's a Private Eye-"
>Shit
>"-We gotta take him out!"
>He tries to fight against Smalls, but he loses.
>"Yeah, he's a Private Eye! That means we ship him back home and have the gryphons work him over, and have him spill his guts!"
>A look of realization very slowly appears on his face, before he smiles cruelly.
>"Hey, Sunfucker, how's electro-shock therapy sound?"
>Oh shit, they aren't fucking around.

>>28568486
>You heard what they did to that one nofuns anon.
>You have enough scars to last you for a lifetime, already.
>Having memories of torture and the marks to match is -not- something you want to bear.
>Which, if they've found you out, they can use you as a bargaining chip to get the other members of your squad.
>Here's hoping they're doing something to get you out...
>Smalls commands another one of the mooks he keeps around to get on the radio, and report to the rest of the base that they've found you...when a thunderous explosion rings out from the far side of the base.
>Biggie, Smalls, and his gang turn around, shocked and looking if anything's coming in.
>Their mistake.
>You spring to your feet and draw your CZ, dumping a few rounds in their leader first, before turning to the second and third, who collapse in agony, gurgling.
>When you bring your pistol to bear at Biggie, it clicks empty.
>He wheels around, Ma Six following his furious gaze.
>Dropping your CZ, you pull your dagger off your chest, tackling him as he pulls the trigger.
>A few rounds rip over your shoulder, barely kissing the skin underneath, the rounds screaming red-hot agony.
>He topples over, your face pressed into his sweaty body, revulsion pulsing through your psyche.
>He tries to struggle with you, but you pin his firing arm on his Grass Mower with your knee, and swap your grip to a reverse ice pick in your left hand, pinning his other arm with your right.
>You stab him multiple times through the collarbone and in the neck, eyes flashing with fear as they slowly glass over.
>Eventually, his gurgling stops and his body goes limp.
>Panting heavily, you stand up off of the hamplanet...
>Only to meet a few unfamiliar faces.
>A few anons heard what went on from outside, and were diverted to the ammo dump.
>They look you over, firearms pointed at you.
>"The fuck happened here?"
>You're the only one standing, and it shows in their posture that they think you're a saboteur.

>>28568489
>But, you're also the only one left.
>You can turn this to your advantage...
>Huffing heavily from the adrenaline running through you, you speak up with a stutter.
"T-they were the traitors! When I came in to get some ammo, they jumped me!"
>They lower their weapons slightly, looking back and forth between each other.
>"Really? Then why would they have set off the bomb over there? We didn't even know what was going down in here!"
>Shit, he's right.
>Time to Phoenix Wright your way out of this one!
"Well, obviously, they couldn't fire their weapons without alerting you guys! They tried to set off the bomb to distract you so they could take me out without alerting you, and could plant some C4 on the ammo here!"
>Blinking, they look between each other.
>"..Yeah, that actually makes sense, now that I think about it..."
>They start to put down their weapons, when one of theirs rockets back up to the firing position.
>"Then why do -YOU- have the C4 on you?"
>oh.
>OH FUCK YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT
>A cold sweat breaks out while you try to explain yourself.
"W-Well, you see....the reason I have it on me is, uh, um..."
>The rest of them raise their weapons.
>"Well, I do have to say, nice try. But, I also have to say, nice -fuckin- try because you're dead, now."
>Well, at least you're not going to get tortured.
>He sights up, then speaks once more with a smirk in his voice.
>"See ya in pony hell, 4chan scum."
>*click*
>...
>"Ah, shit, forgot it was on safe. Man, I don't know why I even keep it on that anymore..."
>What a fucking scud!
>You can't help but chuckle, and that only causes him to incense further.
>He fiddles with the safety on his AR-15, raising it once more...
>...Only to have the outside door open behind him, whereupon he falls over forward, shock registering on his face as his brains escape through their new steam vent.
>The rest of the guards accompanying him drop one by one, the last one almost turning the entire way before he falls over.

>>28568494
>Your heart pounds in your chest, as you recover from the second brush with death, or extreme pain, today.
>The wrapped visage of your SL enters the small building, closing the door behind him.
>Sighing shakily, you sheathe your dagger before picking up your CZ-75 from the floor, dropping the mag and stashing it before sliding a new mag in and releasing the locked back slide.
>Breathing shakily, you extend a fist.
"Shit, thanks Jersey. I thought I was dead for su- what are you doing?"
>Jersey pounds it, before reaching towards your chest rig.
"Gettin' your C4. They'se all kinds of crazy righ' now, we'se gotta plant this shit then get outta here."
>He arms it, and tosses it into the room that is a bullet paradise.
>You do the same, speaking up as you do so.
"Where'r Mango and Ivan?"
>"They'se gettin some transportation righ' now. C'mahn, we gotta get outta here. Arm it and toss it, Sisu."
>You and Jersey arm the rest of your C4 and place it in various places in the building, before exiting it.
>As soon as you step out, you see the far wall of the compound smouldering and giving off black smoke, Anons practically crawling over the ruins like ants.
>Jersey catches your gaze, then whispers to you as he leads you to the rear.
>"When ya turned on ya mic, we heard everythin'. I got Ivan t'drop a little 'care package' at the eastern wall, And Mango cased th'motor pool in th'back. They should have somethin' together fer us by now."
>As you enter the small garage of a building, you are met face-to-face with the familiar barrel of a M1911.
>It would terrify you if it wasn't familiar.
>The wielder of the firearm (Mango) drops it, sighing in relief.
>"Shit, man. You guys just 'bout scared the piss outta me."
>He steps aside and falls into line as Jersey leads you to the vehicle, a small Growler (this one actually having a mounted .50 on it), which Ivan appears to be...brushing affectionately.

>>28568494
>You look at him quizzically, before he returns the gaze.
>And notices the thin crimson trickle coming from your nose.
>"Is Comrade Sisu alright?"
>You wave it off.
"Nothin' that those pansy-asses can't do that I can't take."
>Besides, you know, being tortured incredibly painfully while they try to get secrets from you.
>No big deal, you know?
>He nods, before turning the key in the ignition of the Growler.
>The rest of the squad hops in, Jersey in the shotgun seat and you and Mango in the back.
>Your SL takes a moment to compose himself.
>"Alrigh'. Ivan, get this thing movin'. Sisu, get ready with your C4. Blow it when I tell ya to."
>Taking your detonator off of your rig, you grab the nearby girder of the vehicle to steady yourself as Ivan rams the garage door open, the sheet metal parting easily from the punchy engine of the vehicle.
>"NOW!"
>You depress the lever, the c4 responding in it's own way, roaring with all the fury of a dragon.
>As you round the corner of the driveway, you see the destruction it unleashed as anons are lying haphazardly about, some of them writhing in pain while others lie perfectly still.
>It's completely expected, and yet your eyes are seared with the memory of the wounded desperately crawling around.
>Ivan tightens his grip on the steering wheel, and roars down the road, running over anons in the road.
>You pretend that you didn't feel the bumps as he drives over them, ramming the outer gate and speeding away from the base.
>The few remaining guards in their towers plug a few rounds at you, and you pull out your Kar98k and send a few rounds in their direction before Ivan jerks the wheel and drifts the Growler around the bend, behind the cover of the trees.
>You and Mango watch the road coming from the base, even as it slowly fades away into non-existence.
>And even then, you still keep watching, your body pulsing with the feeling of anxiousness.

>>28568500
>It's the most tiring and exhilirating feeling you have ever felt, and you can't help but worry that you'll get addicted to it.
>After driving for a solid half-hour, Jersey gets Ivan to pull off of the road, into a dense thicket.
>Disembarking, you crouch down behind the vehicle with the rest of your squad.
>Jersey nods at all of you.
>"Alright, firs' of all...great fuckin' job guys. I thought Sisu was dead for fuckin' sure."
>He pokes his head over the vehicle, still looking for threats.
>"Secon'...we can't use the disguise anymore. They'se too tense, ain't no way we can jus' walk aroun' with them anymore. So, that means-"
>A voice crackles over his mic, and you insert your ear-piece to hear who's trying to contact you.
>And it's the sweet, velvety tones of Godmother reaching you.
>Well, not sweet, and probably not as smooth as you would like to imagine, but hey.
>"Alrigh' Godmother, we read ya'. Whatcha got for us?"
>You slump down against the wheel of the Growler, lethargy taking over your body.
>You force yourself to stay awake to listen to the intel.
>"Alright, Eyes, I've got a very important mission for you, now. Have you heard of 'Castle Griffinsteed'?"
>No fuckin' way...
>You key your mic.
"Yeah, actually. Some guy at the ammo dump we just blew flubbed and told me about it."
>Jersey looks at you with raised eyebrows.
>"Really, now? Did they tell you what it was for?"
"Yeah, apparently it's a major comms hub. I assume that's where you're sending us next?"
>"Affirmative. Private Eyes is to make best pace to-"
>"Wait a minute, Godmotha'."
>"What is it, Lieutenant?"
>"One problem- We can't use the confusion behind their lines anymore. They'se got us all figgered out. I advise lettin' us infilitrate during the dark how-ahs, That way we can go in an' make sure they don' know whas' goin' on 'til it's too late."
>"Wait one, Eyes."
>There's a pause in communication, before she comes onto the line again.

>>28568500
>"Alright, Eyes. You make a good point. Get some rest, you're assaulting Castle Griffinsteed at 2100 tonight. You -have- to take out that nest, the comms being down will cripple their ability to retaliate to the invasion effectively. Do you copy?"
>You slump down, resting up against the tire of the Growler.
>"Affirmahtive, Godmother. We'll keep ya updated when we start."
>Mind slowing down as you start to drift off, he keys his mic once again.
>"Could we get some Co-ords fer this place?"
>"Affirmative, Jersey. Co-ords are..."
>The rest is lost on you, as you fall asleep.

Well, this was a long time coming. I think it's been...like, a year since I posted another chapter of this? S'been awhile. I don't have a paste up for this ATM, but here is the original that my story is a tie-in to.
http://pastebin.com/akijSbQE
Comments and criticisms are welcomed, if you have any. If you want to read the previous chapters, you're going to have to go to Desu and search in the username category for 'Private Eyes'.
And with that, I sign off until I feel like writing some more.
Eyes out.
>>28568330
oops, didn't mean to reply to you with my first post

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>you are fit anon
>you used to be fat anon
>you always dreamt of one day having a qt 3.14 gf
>only to end up in horse land
>ponies don't eat meat, which means you haven't been meeting your macros
>you can practically feel your gains disappearing
>if it weren't for milk you think you'd have lost it by now
>if the lack of meat wasn't bad enough there was an over abundance of sweets
>the fat kid inside you has been laughing, knowing that eventually he will escape
>not anytime soon if you have anything to say about it
>avoiding the sweets is hard but doable, and most ponies respect your dietary restrictions
>all but one of them
>pinkie pie, that cup cake pusher
>she's really nice to be around but you have to cut your visits short when she starts stuffing her face with her seemingly endless supply of baked goods
>you always hated people like that who seem to be able to eat whatever they want with no consequences
>you wouldn't even hang out with her were it not for your high levels of test and your need for big asses
>which she has in spades, curse her
>and so your torn, pursue pinkie and her plump posterior, or keep your temple clean and free from empty carbs
>sometimes life is just not fair

>>28568543
>"I know you wanna~"
>She swishes her rump while balancing a cupcake on it.
>she knows what she's doing
>she knows EXACTLY what she's doing

>Be Anon.
>In Equestria or a computer simulation that closely resembles it.
>Damn robot war...
>Anyway, you are avoiding ponies because they are having another one of their weird holidays again.
>But at least you don't have to go to work today, so that's nice.
>What isn't nice is the crowd of ponies in white robes and hoods gathering in your lawn.
>This is an outrage.
>You're not even black or Jewish.
>Plus they aren't doing it right.
>Instead of erecting a cross to burn they are setting up a table.
>And leaving baked goods on it.
>And what looks like smoked salmon.
>And coupons for free blowjobs at the library?
Nice try Spike.
>Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
>You go and gather all of the goodies off the table while they sing a song about helping the village idiot.
>You haven't figured out who it is yet, but you'll be sure to point and laugh at them once you do.
>Today was a good day despite ponies being ponies.

>>28568502
Pretty tasty green. Good job.

>>28569218
>Not wanting a warm slippery blowjob from spike
What are you, fuckin gay?

>>28569239
His tongue is rough like a cats. Plus he never plays with the balls and he won't swallow.

>>28569247
I've had worse head.

>>28569247

>he won't swallow.

He is required to send all loads to Celestia.

>>28569881
It's why he's doing it in the first place. He's not even gay, but Twilight outsourced her cumslut duties to him because she is a prude. She is known as the Friendzone Princess for a reason.

>>28570102
It's like, I want to send my load to Celestia, but I don't want a blow job from spike...

>>28568502
damn its been a while since i read anything from you, well done
i only wish 1024 and Hoplite where back, i miss /war/

>"Behold! The Tree of Harmony!"
>Applejack waves her forelegs mystically while making ghost noises.
>You, Anon and everypony look at her like she's weird.
>"What y'all looking at? This is a special moment!"
>Anon is the first to turn back to the tree, while Dash starts ribbing Applejack for making ghost noises.
>"So this is what all the fuss is about."
>Anon moves to take a closer look at the tree and you can't help but think how much smaller it looks with him standing next to it.
>Oh, your flash cards. Anon wanted to know about the tree and you've prepared the best lecture ever.
>"Anon be careful!" What?
>Looking up from your cards, you see Anon place his hoof spider on the tree where the trunk and branches meet.
>The moment he makes contact a flash of white light blinds you.

>-----Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle-----

>"And then the Squirrel threw the nut at his head."
>The three of you erupt in laughter.
>"Verily Discord, thou tell most amusing tales."
>Discord beams at the compliment.
>"Well I have been known to spin a yarn or two."
>This is nice. And Discord is a welcome addition to Cake Hour.
>It's only natural you suppose. Discord is as ancient as you and Luna. And there's a certain mindset that comes with age and immortality.
>In short you get on well together, despite some past disagreements....
>Story swapping and chit-chat continues until Discord's eyes grow wide.
>And the pupils shrink to the size of a quill point.
>You share a confused look with Luna. "Discord is something wrong?"
>"Something terrible is happening in Ponyville."
>"What do you mean?"
>"We have to go to Ponyville now!"
>The note of distress in Discord's voice is all the encouragement you need.

>>28570466
>-----A short time later in ponyville-----

>Surveying ponyville, nothing seems amiss.
>But Discord still looks distraught, maybe it's something subtle.
>"Princess Celestia!"
>Twilight rushes towards you, looking beyond her you can see a large group of ponies gathered around Anon.
>"You got here so quickly, I only just sent the letter."
>"Letter? I di-"
>"Isn't it fantastic!? Anon got his cutie mark!"
>Oh, Anon got his- WHA?
>Both you and Luna go wide eyed with shock.
>Discord starts sweating buckets, it makes a tremendous racket.
>He floats over to Anon, leaving a trail of buckets. The crowd parts before him and then the scream.
>"IT'S UNSPEAKABLE"
>Trotting over you examine Anon's naked butt, there is indeed a cutie mark.
>A whitish gray diamond shape.
>"Congratulations Anon."
>"CONGRATULATIONS!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?"
>"Er, thanks Celestia. Though it's a bit strange."
>"IT'S THE SYMBOL OF ORDER! IT'S- IT'S- HIDEOUS!"
>"We would also like to offer our congratulations Anonymous."
>Screaming dramatically, Discord flops to the ground.
>"Nonny do you know what this means!"
>"A party?"
>"AAAAAAHHHRARGHL!"
>"No silly. A Cuteceañera!"
>"Would like to join us princesses?"
>"We'd love to Anon."


http://pastebin.com/9fgbZ2kK

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>>28567938

>>28571449
I know it

Should I a Lyra or Derps first with this rare free time?

>>28572712
Yes.

>>28572712
Flip a coin

>>28572712
what >>28572740 said.
They both a cute

>>28572871
fine, geez

The usual evening, in murricaland, shitthread flood is high today. Did I miss something?

>>28570473
>Anon's special talent is fucking with Discord

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Derpy will get some luffin after work

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I like God Anon story from ForestGuardian. he make something very great.

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>>28575033
He-Anon and the Masters of Equestria?
I like that guy.

>>28570473
I love it.

>Be Anonymous, a human.
>Twilight Sparkle, your long time interweb friend, has asked you to meet
>Your reply?
"Sure, why not?"
>Now there is a glowing space-time hole in front of you
>Through it you can see a refrigerator.
>You throw a brick at it, from the pile you keep next to your desk for brick emergencies.
>It hits the fridge and falls to the floor.
>Seems safe enough.
>You go through the portal.
>"Hey, don't throw bricks in here!"
>You immediately reach through the portal for another brick, and hurl it at the direction that voice came from.
>It hits whoever tried to tell you what to do with a satisfying SMACK noise.
>You turn and see who called out.
>It's a dog sized lizard thing.
>"Spike!" shouts another, more familliar voice
"Hey Twilight, Was the portal because of you?"
>Some kind of purple horse thing rushes over to the bricked lizard
>Wait.
>It sounds like Twilight.
>He's a horse?
>He's saying something about hospitals or something, you kinda zoned out for a bit there.
"Twilight, why are you a horse all of a sudden? Are you some sort of furry?"
>"I've always been a pony, Come on, we've got to help Spike! Somepony threw a brick at him."
"Okay."
>You get down by your friend's pet and place your hands on its chest
>You do your best at CPR
>"No! Bleh! stopit!"
"You saved him!"
>The day is once again saved by your genius.

>Be Anon.
>Hiding from spiderponies.
>It's a useless effort and you know it, but you still have to try.
>They always know where you are.
>They always find you.
>And when they do, they bite the shit out of you and tie you up in webs.
>Their venom just makes you sleepy. Otherwise it doesn't do anything to you.
>It doesn't help that they have magic and shit as well as being horse sized arachnids.
>Shit's scary yo.
>They do feed you and give you a house though, and they are nice to talk to if you do not look directly at them or touch them.
>Just like dealing with black people back on Earth.
>You hear scuttling over your hiding spot.
>If you can hear them it is already too late.
Fine, I'll come out.
>"Why were you trying to hide?"
Because you scare the shit out of me Twilight.
>"Oh, sorry about that."
...
>"..."
...
>":::"
Can you just bite me and get it over with? My shows come in in about an hour and I don't want to miss them.
>"Okay. Hold still."
>And she bites you.
>She then lays you on the couch and turns the TV on before building a web above your couch.
>You doze for a bit as she brings in snacks from the kitchen.
>You miss normalcy, but at least you don't have to miss TV.

>>28576224
Twilight a good Spiderbro.

>>28576228
She is.
She really really is.

crosspostan
>>28576573
>Biggest tuft.
>Dick measuring contest.
>Mares measuring dicks.
>Vulva inspection day.
>Every year all the mares and fillies are lined up and have their lady-parts scrutinized.
>They are ranked based on a variety of factors.
>Anon gets tired of his mare friends giving him shit.
>Decides to show them who's boss.
>Goes along and enters.
>The rules do not have anything to say about the eligibility of humans, only on mares, fillies stallions, and colts.
>The princesses, who are judging, decide that Anon can stay.
>They judge all fairly, unswayed by offers of bits, pettings from friendly aliens, or blackmail.
>It is decided that his boypussy is the finest in the land.
>Come next estrus, he'll have stallions lining up for a chance at it.
>Anon wins the "Cuntiest Cunt" award.
>Despite having won the biggest trophy, he's got a strange feeling that he lost in some important way

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>>28576762

>>28577167
>Be Princess Purple
>Anon is scrolling through your library, probably for a cook book, not that he needed one.
>He stands on his toes to reach on at the top shelves, raising is calves and tightening his rump in the prosses.
>Unf
>The pick up lines celestia sent you had better work.
>He had tight coltpussy and your horn was feeling neglected.
>Anon returned the book to it's place disappointed.
>Now's your chance.
"H-hey anon?" you mutter.
>"Hm?" anon turned and looked down at you.
>Comeontwigglesyoucandothis
>"yeah what i-"
"I eat ass, like a lot of ass"
>Anon stared at you blankly.
>You broke the awkward silence by walking into the kitchen, you could hear him shuffling in the book case behind you.
>It didn't work ? But HOW, your teacher would't lie to you would she?
>Maybe he was just nervous, yeah that's it. He was probably surprised that you would be so forward.
>Let's try this again.
>You return with a bit more confidence than last time to find him still looking for that cook book.
>You cleared your throat and looked him in the eye
"I don't think you understand, I eat the whole ass"
>Anon's expression told you everything you needed to know.
>You pick up what's left or your pride and leave the castle.
>Anon's so different from the other colts, you should have known it wouldn't have worked.
>You didn't even eat ass, you sucked dick.
>This is gonna be sad letter to the princess.

Be: Princess Celestia
Your student just cost you your favorite crown in a wager with baby sister.
She just had to take the snap back one.

>>28576224
weird but left me wanting more. 10/10

>>28578412
And you leave me wanting to stuff hotdogs in my face for some reason.

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>>28579509
>that edit

>>28569239
>>28569881
>>28570102
Now, for the question none of you want.

What happens when he sneezes, in the middle of it?

>>28579820
The world's fastest Brazilian Wax, minus the wax..

>>28579820
Answered long ago newfriend.

>>28579820
He finally deep throats you like you know he can but doesn't.

>>28579509
I've wanted this edit since I saw the origional

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Feel guilty about writing nothing recently. Also might be having a crisis involving the fact that my green is just prose/regular writing/fanfiction with an arrow in front of it.

post ebin requests.

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>you are twilight
>and for the last two weeks you've been anon's butler, or maid, you don't really know anymore
>when he showed up one day after and accident with a spell you were curious about the creature
>but after declaring that he was the emperor of "earth" and that you had taken him from his throne and his duties of prima nocta and defending the galaxy from "Darth Vader" Celestia ordered that until he can be sent back you had to be his unquestioning servant
>as bad as you feel for dooming a whole world, this job is awful
>all he does is drink and sleep with random mares, and you're tired of always cleaning up the messes he makes
>and poor spike had to give up his room
>he's an outside dragon now
>you tried being friendly and made him breakfast one morning but he yelled at you about not being a cow
>apparently humans don't eat hay
>you can see him outside now, with two mares in his arms, and carrying a half empty bottle of some of applejack's harder stuff
>he's going to be hard to.deal with tomorrow

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>>28579999
>green is just prose/regular writing/fanfiction with an arrow in front of it.

>>28579999
Nice quads.

>Regular writing with an arrow in front of it

Literally every greentext ever. It actually makes them a little easier to read when they're properly punctuated.

>Ebin requests

Anon tells Gilda her insult game is weak and stale. Gilda attempts to insult Anon without using the word "dweeb" "nerd" "dork" or any variation thereof in order to prove him wrong It's not as easy as she thought it would be..

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>>28580140
I have no idea how to write Gilda.
*Cracks Back*
...
I can't crack my knuckles.

"C'mon, fag," you say.
>Gilda shuffles on her claws.
>Or paws.
>Whatever implies both at the same time, you guess.
>Gilda stutters.
>"Shut up! Y-y-you stupid dor- You stupid squar- YOU STUPID BASTARD! THERE, I DID IT!"
>She stands eyeing you angrily as genuine surprise makes it way onto your face.
>"Oh fuck. I didn't think you would actually do i-"
>"YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!" Gilda yells, "YOU'RE A FUCKING ZIGGER! NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING MONKEY! GO BACK TO THE JUNGLE YOU GIANT. FUCKING. DOOOOOORK!"
"Okay, Okay, Gilda. I think it's time to go wash your mouth with soap and water and then put you to bed.
>You step over and pick up a flustered Gilda.
>You begin making your way over to your house, struggling to maintain the screeching bird-lion in your arms.
>"FUCK YOU ANON! FUCKING PIECE OF CUNT!"
"Now now, that one didn't make any sense."
>Gilda pouts
>"Dweeb."

>>28580140
>Roasting in equestira
>suicide rates have gone up 100%
>Bigmac sheds a single tear, for his feelings were hurt. Eeyup.
>Anon is ran out of town.
>Button mash has sent 9 kids crying to their mommy
>Discord is turned to stone again
>Luna is moon banished again
>The whole squad roasted pinkie
>Smile HD happens.
>The Universe is taken down by Hasbro
>Anon is back on earth with a shadow of a memory of what happened.
>All he knows is that it wasn't a dream.

>>28576762
I could have sworn there was a Derps version of this

Board moving fast tonight. I fear for the finale.

>>28582133
I fear nothing for I am covered in bees.

>>28582133
It might end, it might not.
Either way it's a hell of a ride.

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>>28581625

crosspostan
>>28584563
>Anonymous is actually the horselam god
>Many centuries ago he encountered their prophet
>She learned much from the times they met and aimed to use these revelations to help ponykind
>How to do advanced mathematics, medical techniques, and the fine art of blowing shit up for laughs
>The origin of them making their stallions wear concealing robes is Anon wearing clothes
>Over the years details have been forgotten, records misinterpreted
>What was once an attempt to imitate their god in hopes of his blessing has become something else
>Now it is mandatory for all stallions to be covered
>Ponies are using explosives with no regard for proper safety techniques
>Throwing rocks at each other instead of getting high
>Now with reports of a being that resembles the tales of their god, horselams are looking towards Equestria
>The scouts and ambassadors have confirmed it's not just another minotaur with an unhealthy love for shaving
>Pilgrims are journeying to his location from far and wide
>With the Equestrian government refusing to allow any more to enter the country, international tensions are high
>Border checkpoints and embassies have been subject to numerous explosions
>Hundreds have been killed or wounded
>War is looking more and more likely
>Meanwhile Anon is trying to keep these ponies from eating his garden.
"FUCKING HORSES, GET OUT!"

>>28584710
>Horses belong outside.
>Unless they do anal.
>Then they can come in.

Crosspostan
>Be Anon in generic RGR Equestria
>Something's going on in the town square
>There's a stage set up
>A blue pony in a cloak and wizard hat is shouting about something
>It's in horse though so you don't understand what it is being said
>You don't speak horse and the dragon thing that you sometimes borrow as a translator isn't here
>You come back later
>Sit down with the rest of the town in front of the stage
>The show is beginning
>Ooh, it's a magic show
>Like David Blaine or The Amazing Randi Savage, except it's a pony doing it
>you'd rate it maybe a 6/10
>The blue pony is pointing at you, and so is a spotlight
>It's neighing
>A pony in the crown neighs back
>Blue neighs some more and the pony next to you nudges you forward
>Oh, blue wants you to come onto the stage
>You go along with the trick, sawing through the box the blue pony has climbed into
>It's a bit tough, but you concentrate and manage to saw through
>The box slides apart, taking the top and bottom half of the pony with each
>It's pretty neat
>You're about to go back to your seat when you notice something amiss
>That little shit stole your wallet!
"Fuck you, gypsy horse!"
>You punch it right in the face
>It falls over with some blood coming from its mouth
>You take your wallet back and leave

>>28585530
>Be Twilight Sparkle
>Trixie came back to Ponyville to do another magic show
>She's managed to get most of the town to show up
>Even Anonymous the alien is here
>It's nice to see he's fitting in more now
>You've been keeping an eye out for him, making sure he's not had any trouble from any unsavory types
>When he's called you help let him know what to do, and he goes up and acts as Trixie's assistant
>It's an okay rendition of a classic splitting box trick
>But then it all falls apart
>Anonymous turns around and punches Trixie unconsious, shouting something you can't understand in his alien language
>He's punched her so hard that her clothes come off
>And with them, the spell that you now see they were maintaining
>An illusion that must have taken a lot of effort to get working
>One that made a he look like a she
>Trixie is actually a stallion?
>All this time?
>No twilight, focus on the now.
>You've got to get him to the hospital.
>You'll talk to Anonymous to find out why he'd do that tomorrow morning.

>>28585534
*Horse Dong Intensifies*

>>28582531
Only weak ponies cover themselves in bees. Real men cover themselves in wasps.

>>28585993
The wasps are on strike. They want dental, but I keep telling them they don't have teeth.

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>>28585993
Those who cover themselves in bees will always outnumber those who cover themselves in wasps. It's like Team Mystic in Pokemon Go.

>>28586404
And this is part of the reason why.

>>28585534
>Be Spike, at the hospital that night
>Anon punched Trixie during her/his show
>Twilight is having you tag along and take notes
>You'll be stopping by the ponice station later
>Twi needs you to translate from not-horse to horse and figure out his side of the story
>The first stop, though, is with Trixie
>She's laid up with an over-booped snoot
>Twi's more interested in how long Trixie has secretly been a stallion
>She neighs at Trixie
>[Questioning horse noises]
>Trixie tries to neigh back, but all that come out are muffled whinnies of pain
>She/he magics your quill and paper from you and starts scribbling horse runes
>[Quiet, frustrated horse grumbling]
>She holds up the paper for you both to read

"I'm NOT a stallion, you sex-starved nerd. My snout is not 'handsomely angular,' It's FRACTURED IN FIVE PLACES."

>[Disappointed horse noise, hopeful horse inquiry]
>Trixie writes another response

"I will not ask the doctors to 'keep it this way.' Leave me out of your sexual fantasies, creep."

>[Offended horse noise]
>Twilight isn't taking this well
>You've seen her diary
>She won't admit it, but she's totally lesbo not-lesbo for Trixie
>It's complicated
>[Magical horse threat]
>Trixie scribbles some more

"Potions, spells, whatever. Doesn't change the fact that you want to do it with a mare."

>[Angry horse proclamations of how it technically isn't gay]
>You grab the quill, paper, and Twilight, dragging them all out of the room
>This could have gone better

>>28576216
I want more of this.

>>28560258
That went from cute to lewd pretty quick. Unfortunately the lewd was too quick from me to get into. I enjoyed everything before it though.

>>28586861
0 to lewd faster than you can unbutton your pants.

>>28575033
Well good news for you I wrote a Part 2 a while ago.
http://pastebin.com/5DCPv5ec

>>28586806
Moar

>-----The Crystal City-----

>This hasn't been simple.
>As expected the night guard were lax, more concerned with the antics of drunk ponies than watching for intruders.
>But the sheer volume of revelers in the streets has been a problem.
>Avoiding them even more so.
>Everything here is made of crystals, the buildings, the streets, everything.
>And all of it catching the light of the lanterns, refracting and reflecting in a thousand different colours and directions.
>Probably why so many are out at night, it's rather pretty.
>You'd counted on ponies natural tendency to sleep early and the darkness of the alleys
>Instead the alleys are lit up like it's christmas and there's ponies everywhere.
>Still, you've made it this far. The edge of a plaza, in the middle stands a massive tower.
>You're not looking forward to climbing it, hard crystal like that would tear your hands to shreds.
>Hell it'll tear your gloves to shreds, hopefully it won't reach that point but it looks like a long climb.
>But all that's moot if you can't get across the plaza, it's open with no cover.
>Sitting down next to a crystal trash can you ponder the problem.
>The first idea that occurs is wearing the trash can as a disguise and its dismissed just as quickly.
>An idiot would notice a trash can or box or bush being somewhere it shouldn't
>Sitting there, racking your brains, you notice your shadow getting shorter and the darkness deepening.
>Turning to look up, you see a thick cloud moving across the moon, obscuring the light.

>>28588132
>Seizing the moment, you take a quick look to see if anything is looking in your direction before sprinting across the square.
>Silently thanking fate that fur boots make so little noise.
>Reaching one of the tower legs, you scramble upwards, you gear clanging and scraping against the crystal.
>A guard will have heard that but you power upwards nonetheless.
>Once you reach the top of leg and the beginning of the main spire you look down.
>True enough a guard is standing below you, drawn by the noise.
>A sly grin works its way onto your face.
>You've been all over the world but even 8000 years into future all guards still have one thing in common.
>They never look up.

>>28588143
>-----In a room in the upper reaches of the Crystal Palace-----

>It's nice to have some time away from everything.
>True you are here on business technically but Anon won't be here for days yet.
>You shouldn't have expected him to take a train, poor stallion probably doesn't even know what a train is.
>A giggle squeaks out at the thought of Anon encountering a train, an image of him trying to fight the 'vile metal beast'.
>"Celestia? What's so funny?"
>"I was just imagining Anon's first encounter with a train and him mistaking it for a terrible monster."
>This sets Cadence giggling as well.
>Ah, this is nice. Secret midnight cakes with Cadence. You needed this.
>Maybe you and Luna should take a short vacation, perhaps test Twilight by leaving her in charge for a week or two.
>Your thoughts are interrupted by the jarring sound of the window smashing.
>Shards of crystal and glass scatter across the room.
>And a huge shape following the shards into the room, the shape rolls to its feet and you realise it's Anon.
>"FOUL EMPRESS! HOW DARE YOU SUBJECT THE PRINCESS TO... TO.... CAKES AND TEA!"
>Both of you are frozen in shock, but Cadence recovers quickly.

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>>28588149
>"Er.. Yes.. Yes, I am the um... Empress of-"
>You hold up a hoof silencing Cadence.
>"I don't think that will be necessary anymore, could you leave me alone with Anon?"
>She nods and retreats from the room. Anon's eyes dart round the room clearly trying to process this turn of events.
>Whilst you can't fault Cadence's attempts to improvise, this isn't going to work anymore.
>You'd planned for days of preparation, in order to be convincing.
>Anon's not a fool, he wouldn't fall for improvisation.
>When you were a young mare you'd heard the tales and even met one or two adventurers of Anon's type.
>They were usually very, very lucky or just completely crazy. But never stupid.
>"Anon, I wasn't foalnapped. This was a ruse."
>He opens his mouth to speak but you cut across him.
>"We just saw how despondent you were, how you were struggling."
>"I'm sorry to say it but the world has changed, there's still adventures to be had. But not the kind you are used to, the kind you want."
>"We thought one last adventure would lift your spirits and maybe help you adapt. But you arrived before we were ready."
>"I'm sorry Anon."
>His shoulders slump and his face, strange as it is, takes on an expression you recognise.
>It's the same expression Luna had when she realised how much things had changed in a thousand years.
>That so many familiar things were gone or changed beyond recognition.
>The palpable sense of loss, of being adrift.
>It breaks your heart.
>Smiling warmly at him, you move forward wrapping your forelegs and wings around Anon, hugging him tight.
>"But don't worry Anon, we'll help you find your path. I promise."

And that concludes Anon the Barbarian. For now anyway, considering how any time I right a longer story I end up coming back and writing a Part 2.
http://pastebin.com/4A7K0Rj8

>>28588170
>right a longer story
As long as you don't wrong a longer story.

>>28588340

2 wrongs don't make a right but 3 rights make a left.

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>>28588170

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>>28587676
Well I read it. I just need a moment to process it.

>>28588587
A great way to confuse kids

>>28587482
I have snaps

>>28586814
no

>>28590969
yes

>>28591371
>>28590969
maybe

>>28586806
>>28585534
>Be Ponice Cheif Cunt Stubble, drinking your morning coffee.
>Today you have to go confront the alien about why it put that traveling performer in the horsepital.
>Truthfully, you kind of wanted to hit her yourself after all that stunt with the dome, but that doesn't mean you're actually going to do it.
>He's better have a good reason when you go to his house to ask him.
>Or else you'll..
>Well...
>You don't really know what you can do to him.
>He's a such a big guy.
>It's part of the reason you only had an officer escort him home rather than attempt to arrest him.
>That and the dome thing.
>It just felt so darn good to see that punch.
>You'll figure out what to do when the time comes.
>"Hang back and let the problem sort itself out" as the ponice motto goes

>Be Anon.
>You are hanging out with your neighbors Steve and Mary.
>The two other townhouses that yours is attached to came with you to Equestria.
>It's been a weird five months, but you're all adjusting. Well, you and Mary are. She's a pensioner and not much bothers her. Steve is your typical type A personality guy. He's still a little out of sorts here, but his ex wife can't bother him anymore so at least there's that.
>Then there's you. Lucked into a job that you weren't qualified for at a young age and with more money than you know what to do with. All because you know how to use google.
>IT is the shit.
>Too bad that doesn't matter now.
>At least you have a basement full of old computers and parts that you've horded over the years.
>The purple pony seemed really interested in those so you gave it to her. Now you guys get food delivered to you every day and they hooked up water and power to your homes.
>So Mary gardens and knits.
>Steve drinks and lifts weights.
>And you help purple try and set up internet.
>Neither of you speak the same language, but that isn't stopping her from trying.
>At least it gives you something to do.

>>28593970
Moar

>>28591541
I don't know. Could you repeat the question?

>Be Anon, sitting in timeout
>This is bullshit on every level
>You aren't even behind bars
>They let you walk home and then put you in timeout there
>It's just your favorite recliner and a kitchen timer
>The officer that followed you home from the ponice station is a loose cannon, I tells ya
>She's taking justice into her own hooves
>Every time you get up to piss or go to the kitchen, she starts neighing at you angrily and resets the timer
>Even if the time is already up
>She is now a de facto roommate
>One that makes you sleep in the living room
>There's a knock at the door during breakfast
>Your roommate stops neighing at you between mouthfuls of raw oatmeal to follow you to the door
>You find Spike, Purplehorse, and another policehorse on your doorstep
>Roommate horse scarfs down the rest of the bowl of oats, salutes the new policehorse, and promptly collapses into a snoring heap
>Must've been up all night
>Fucking crazy ponies, man
"Yo Spike, whattup?"
>"Twilight and Chief Stubble want to know why you punched Trixie."
>You shrug
"The bitch took my wallet."
>Spike reiterates this to the two horses, who neigh at him for a moment before he turns back to you
>"So, that's YOUR wallet?"
"Uh, yeah?"
>"Can we see it?"
"Sure."
>You whip out your billfold
>Both horses' eyes go blank with shock
>Wait
>Shit
"Spike, is leather a thing I'm not supposed to have?"
>[Angry neighing resumes]
"Nevermind, that answers my question."

>>28594678
>Be Twilight.
>Anonymous has leather products.
>That's bad.
>But there from Earth, so that's less bad.
>They still need to be confiscated.
>Leather is not allowed. Unless you have the license.
>Even then you only use it for fetish stuff.
>Gross fetish stuff like your parents used to do.
>You'll need to use the mind bleach spell when you get home.
>You tell Spike to tell Anon that he needs to turn in all his leather goods and then go to the leather vendor class if he wants them back.
>You idly wonder if he made a wallet out of you if it would go in the front or back pocket?
>Fantasies for another time you suppose.

>>28595088
>>You idly wonder if he made a wallet out of you if it would go in the front or back pocket?
>>Fantasies for another time you suppose.
i always appreciate weird twilight.

>>28595401
Anon better man up and fuck a smart horse in the ass.

>>28595451
she seems like a butt mare, if only because she'd be curious about it.

>>28595401
Me too. That's why I always write her like that. I figure her romantic life is kind of dead because of it and that only feeds the weird beast that is her libido.

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>>28595484
>mfw I stick it in intelligent ponut

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I'm back, let my reign of shitposting last a thousand years beginning with this shit show.

>“Wake up,” bellows a voice as a pillow bashes you awake, “We’re under attack!”
>You jolt upright to catch both Moonie and Trixie adorning pirate outfits with cardboard swords held in magic as they stand atop your bed. Moonie naturally has the captain’s cap and a sleek blue coat while Trixie has an eye patch and cloth rags to make a tunic.
“What the—What are you two doing?”
>“They’ve begun firing,” Moonie shouts as she starts ducking and weaving.
>Trixie sees and timidly tries to imitate a few times but stops when she catches your stares.
>“Not a word to any pony,” she harshly whispers.
>While you make a mental note to find out how Moonie got her to agree to this, you decide the shower is where you’d like to head next.
>So you grab the blanket firmly and give it a mighty pull as you stand up.
“Captain overboard,” you shout as the two mares tumble onto the floor.
>You tiredly fumble into your bathroom to brush your teeth. Moonie however isn’t about to give up her little game, so she darts in under your legs and calls out to Trixie.
>She bashfully walks in, avoiding eye contact as Moonie begins scaling you like a cat climbing a tree.
>You’re far too tired to make any movement let alone protest so you allow her to do her thing. Once she climbs up to your shoulder she looks out and surveys the bathroom.
>“First Mare Trixie, get up here.”
>“I… Trixie is not doing that,” she protests.
>“Do ye want to walk the plank?”
>She rolls her eyes and mutters under her breathe while Moonie looks at you impatiently. You shoot her an unimpressed look as you continue to brush but Moonie just beams back.
>Then just as Moonie commanded, Trixie begins trying to scale you. Normally when Moonie scales you, you shift your weight and lean to allow her an easier climb but you’re a little less than twice Trixie’s size.

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>>28595744
>If she climbs up, you’d all likely take a tumble because you’re too tired to support that weight.
>So you don’t.
>“This is harder than it looks,” Trixie pants as she reaches waist height before she falls, her ass making a loud thump as it hits tile.
>“You’re the sorriest excuse for a first mare I ever saw, ya land lubber.”
>You spit out the toothpaste.
>“Ew, Anon, I’m right here.”
“Get out,” you flatly reply as you place her on the ground then shoo the two away.
>Once they’re out, you hastily shut the door and lock it before you take that shower.
>While you’re scrubbing down your bod, you can hear Moonie running amuck with the occasional shout of protest from Trixie.
>It doesn’t take long so you dry yourself off and get dressed for work. On the way out the door you notice the two slide past the hallway in what looked like Moonie in a knight’s armour and Trixie in a strange green monster costume.
>You have no idea where they’re getting these but with Nightmare Night coming up soon, you figure that side of things will be sorted.

>You’re the first one to work so you open up, turn on the kettle for when the Mayor arrives and lay out some paperwork you’ve got to do today.
>Before long Mayor Mare steps in, her hair is a mess and there are suitcases hanging from her eyes.
“Morning,” you cheerily call out.
>You’ve had time to wake up, plus the morning shower helped. Mayor Mare looks like you felt when your ‘wake up call’ went off.
>“Good Morning Anonymous,” Mayor Mare yawns.
“Sleep much?”
>“Full eight hours, and I still feel as dreary as if I got none.”
“Kettle is on, go make yourself a cup.”

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>>28595755
>“Thanks, you’re a dear Anon.”
“No problem.”
>You file through your office draws for a form you need to copy and mail out when Mayor Mare steps in sipping away with a comforting smile.
>“Ah, much better… So, how goes it at home? The two terrors are getting along, I hope?”
“Yeah, surprisingly well. Trixie isn’t as bad as what a few ponies were telling me.”
>“Well, she’s not as bad as she once was. She has been here three times now. The first time she was here, she was just a braggart. Showing off her magic, boasting that she was better than any pony at anything. She made a fool of many stallions and mares before Twilight put her in her place.
“That sounds like her. And the second time?”
>Mayor Mare sighs and takes a deep drink before speaking, “When she was here last, she had this magic that made her as powerful as an alicorn. It was frightening seeing some of the things she could do, and she had total control over Ponyville. She even cast a shielding bubble over it, so none could leave or enter.”
>“Yeah she told me about all that.”
>“And you’re okay with that?” a concerned Mayor looks at you with a raised brow before she shakes her head, “Right. Look who I’m talking to. It wouldn’t surprise me if you suddenly invited Queen Chrysalis over for dinner one night.”
>You shrug which elicits a small chuckle from the mare.
“And the third?”
>“Well, she came here to apologise and even put on a show. It wasn’t too bad really, there was this death defying stunt she pulled that really wowed the crowd but it wasn’t enough for some ponies after what happened with her wagon.”
“Right.”
>“I’m sure every pony will come around one day. They just need time. Plus, with her under your roof, folks will come to adore her in no time.”
>You can help but broadly smile at that. You know Moonie is a long way from where she used to be, but it’s nice to hear someone else mention that.

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>>28595763
>The rest of the work day is rather uneventful for you.
>A few forms, small talk with Mayor Mare and a few townsfolk, and watching the clock.
>The walk home however is much more eventful.
“Trixie,” you greet, stifling any and all laughter.
>“Anonymous.”
“Moonie?”
>She nods, “And Trixie would appreciate you not mentioning this ever again.”
“You’ve got to tell me what she has over you.”
>“It’s… Trixie’s show. She says she won’t do it unless I listen to everything she says for an entire day.”
“That’s harsh. But, at least I get to see you like this.”
>Trixie blushes while you admire the insanely pink dress she’s in. It’s like one of those ballroom gowns, the skirt is large and frilly and lacy and pink.
>Everything is pink.
>God, you cannot get over how pink this thing is.
>“How silly does Trixie look in this?” She murmurs.
“Not at all, just out of place. And pink.”
>“It’s so pink.”
“That’s an understatement. Never let Pinkie Pie near that thing, please.”
>“Trixie intends to burn it later.”
“Good. No mare should have THAT much pink.”
>Trixie chuckles slightly and takes a deep breath as she quickens her pace. You follow suit until you both get home.

“Moonie!”
>“What,” she replies as she bursts up from between the couch cushions, Sir Bearington in tow.
“How goes the preparations for Trixie’s show? I can go over some of those tricks with you if you want before I have to start dinner.”
>“Uh, I’m not sure if I’m doing that.”
“Why?” You ask, feigning ignorance.
>“Stage fright.”
“I recall that school recital where you had the exact opposite of stage fright.”
>“I got it from that. It was such a traumatic—Trixie told you, didn’t she?”
“Told me what?”
>“What? I mean… Look at what she’s wearing, you didn’t question her for that?”
“She said she lost a bet,” you lie with as much conviction as possible.
>Moonie eyes you, then Trixie. When she turns back to you, you notice she’s begun to worry.
“What’s going on?” You sternly ask.

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>>28595767
>“Nothing,” states Moonie, avoiding all eye contact.
“Out with it. Now.”
>“UGH! I was… More or less, kind of but not really… blackmailing Trixie.”
“Explain,” you reply deadpan.
>“I said if she didn’t do everything I told her to then I wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry Trixie. I have a pudding in the fridge, it’s yours.” Moonie hastily answers, then pauses as she waits for you to say something. You don’t and eventually the silence gets to her so she nervously starts up again, “I apologised, and made up for it! You’re not allowed to tell me off any more.”
“Oh, yes I am.”
>Moonie sits and hangs her head, ready for a lecture or punishment.
>“You’re going to do the show, and if you don’t do it properly then remember there will be a large crowd who will hear me cheering on my ‘missy moonie-smoochie-kins.’ Maybe even some of your friends will get an invite.”
>Moonie’s eyes widen at the horror and you can hear Trixie dry retching as she fumbles her way out of the dress.
>“Why? You’ve never even called me that before.” Moonie whispers.
“No one else knows that,” you slyly smile.
>“Trixie, practice starts tomorrow.”
>Moonie turns rapidly and retreats into her room. You turn back to Trixie who nods at you.
>“How long did it take you to control her? Her wrath must have been havoc at first. Not even the great and powerful Trixie would be a match.”
“She had to control it herself. She couldn’t act out too badly otherwise the Princesses would hear about it but she did cause a world of mischief. So I get to tease her all I want. In the name of good.”
>“Trixie would love to hear the story sometime.”
As you head into the kitchen, you pause from the thought then say, “Sure, sometime.”

Pastebin Link: http://pastebin.com/NEpApgvm

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>>28595779

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Happy year seven, little monkeys

>>28596440
Hell of a ride son.

>>28596440
Here's to autism.

>>28595779
I love you. Please don't ever leave me again.

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Think we'll hit thread 2000?

>>28598684
Sure.
oh hey it's me there

>>28598684
the real question is how long it'll take us to get there.
the ride never ends

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>>28559070
So I guess this guy is in equestria now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9A-aL49F0Jc

Kairo Seijuro (real name: Kenneth Anthony Jacintho) has died.

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/news/6070825-181/fifth-person-dies-in-clear

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>>28599158
>The girl told officers that Jacintho was swimming back toward the kayak, then yelled “no” before disappearing under the surface, Brooks said
There's some powerful darkness in that man's soul.

>>28599266
It was just an average lake beast.
You know when you're swimming in deep, deep water and something brushes your leg? that's one of them practicing.

>>28600492
and then what happened?

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You know what we need?
Boxpons.

>Be Anon in Boxquestria
>The land of sapient brightly coloured magical cardboard boxes.
>There are earth boxes, which are sturdy and roll on the ground
>Pegasus boxes that fly in the sky
>And unicorn boxes that can cast magic spells
>You have just learned that from Twilight Sparkle, a purple unicorn box.
>Neither of you knows how you arrived in her library
>She has promised to try to find out, and told you you can stay with her.
>You do not understand how she is a she.
>Or how a cardboard box can be alive to begin with.
>You're leaving such questions alone until you've made sure the more important ones are dealt with.
>Such as "How do I get lunch?"
"Hey Twilight, how do I get lunch? Do you boxes even eat to begin with?"
>"Of course we eat, I'm not sure if you'd like things like apples, bread, or cakes though."
>"I've never even considered the possiblity of a being made out of meat before."
"If they're anything like the ones back on Earth, they'd do."
>"This is fascinating, the odds of another world also having those..."
>"I'm sorry, it's just so amazing to have an alien here. Let's go to the kitchen and you can tell me if they're any different from what you're used to."
>You follow her as she rolls to her kitchen and opens the fridge with some sort of glowy magic.
>Inside is a bunch of food.
>You pick up a banana and inspect it.
>"That's a banana, a kind of fruit. Typically we peel off the outer layer and eat the softer inner part."
"We've got these back home too."
>You try eating it.
>It seems like a normal banana.
>Twilight is making notes as you eat, watching in boxy fascination.
>Happy that you've secured one critical need, you feel the need to check another.
"Do boxes have toilets too?"

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>>28598684
Faces of the fallen.

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>>28601500

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>>28601918

Crosspostan
>>28602111
>Anon tries to sell sex toys.
>Ponies do not understand they are not real.
>Think they are actual penises he's been harvesting from somewhere or growing somehow.
>Various ponies feel they have to investigate and prevent him from further evil.
>A search is on for grave disturbances, hospital cases with genital mutilation, or a warehouse full of captive stallions who are having their penises severed and magically regrown.
>Anon is just molding them in a small factory he's got set up in a rented building.
>He uses a combination of mundane and magical techniques to make them, but it's all just normal materials.
>Not even the unicorn he's hired to cast the spells for the magical bit is quite convinced about this though.
>Those rumors had to have come from somewhere, after all

>>28601777
>tfw one of the fallen

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>>28602233
What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

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>>28602296
>>28602299
Ice cut the shit and go write some. SciLight isn't going to appear in stories here by herself.

>>28602321
What the fuck do you think I've been doing, you fag? I've been more productive in the past week than I have in months.

http://pastebin.com/SPA5uEbb
http://pastebin.com/dnGv04Fu
http://pastebin.com/yyN5f2KN

>>28602332
If you're so productive then why is Nora still sick?

>>28602340
Leave the guy alone, turning an ice cube into a human being is complicated

>>28601777
I write shit here all the time. I just never use a trip unless I decide to keep it.

>>28601777
Half of us are truly dead, half are hiding, and half linger as ghosts.

YEAH THAT'S 150%! FUCK MATH!

>>28601500
Everyone knows sapient boxes shit in the giant hole outside of town.

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>>28601777
>posting the reboot version

>>28602687
That feel when you've been around since thread 8.
>FeelsOldMan

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>>28602687
I see writefriends like Spartans... They never die, they're just missing in action... May the missing rest in peace.

>>28602687
I wonder how many still lurk?

>>28593970
>>28594591
>Be Mary.
>These little horses are so polite. A shame they can't speak English. Oh well, it'll just be like when the gardener came over. You make them tea and cookies and they weed your garden, and all without a monthly fee.
>Even the meds they give you here are better than the ones you got from Medicare.
>The pony doctor had on cute little pony doctor clothes too.
>The young man that lives next door seems to be doing all sorts of computer things with the purple horse.
>It looks like they are enjoying themselves. Good for them.
>Anonymous gave you a DVD set of Poirot for you to watch. That was very nice of him.
>The white pony with the nice hair likes to watch them with you. She is very good company.
>She seems to have taken a liking to your dog as well and takes him for walks.
>Sometimes all afternoon.
>Such a nice girl.

>>28603538
Probably more than anyone would care to think.

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>>28603538
still lurking

>>28602706
Howdy newfriend.

>>28605111
Second.

>>28605111
HOLY SHIT A GHOST.

>>28605679
>>28605163

>>28603538

Some of us are still here.

>>28605111
i only wrote one story but i still lurk

>>28602340
das cold

>>28604951
>Rarity fucks dogs
>calling it

>>28604951
>Be Steve
>There is nothing to do other than lift weights and drink to forget.
>It's driving you mad really. You need to be active, you need to make your mark on the world.
>Anon and Mary seem to be coping well. They have each made a pony friend and somehow Anon got the ponies to take care of your basic needs for free.
>It is enough to make a guy feel inadequate.
>But you are mother fucking Steve!
>Anon got you a lifetime supply of apples and carrots, you'll get Anon and Mary a lifetime supply of FREEDOM!
>With the use of some pictures and repeating the same words over and over like a gook tourist you manage to get a train ticket to the capitol.
>The two large horses with crowns have you brought to their castle where you plea your case. You draw a small circle around where your townhouses have landed and add a human stick figure.
>You draw another circle around the town and place a pony stick figure in this one.
>The royalty do that thing where they neigh at each other, the dark one being louder than the white one.
>In order to seal the deal you offer your gift from home.
>A giant red box with a blue center, yellow pieces, and a timer.
>They watch as the timer ticks down then POP goes Perfection.
>With sparks of childish glee in their eyes they agree to whatever you said.
>They then fight over who gets to go first.

Crosspostan
>>28610328
>>28610388
>...try to cure him first
Cure him with necromancy.

>Anon is sick.
>Cannot meds because stupid horse laws.
>Twiggles notices sick friendo.
>Puts on her robe and wizard hat.
>Casts "Diagnose and shit 3012 edition service pack 4.12".
>Comes up as "Invalid patient type: SKELETON - Go bug the necromancers."
>Twilight does as she's told, but since she's the only local necromancer, she has to figure it out herself.
>Shoots him full of necromancy juice and he becomes a lich.
>He's still sick though.
>But now he has an at will "Touch of Death" attack and four daily uses of "Raise Dead".
>Accidentally makes Twiggles a zompony because he does not know how to into magic
>They figure out what's going on after the third pony gets undeadified.
>Mrs Cake becomes a mummy and Mr Cake becomes a concerned but still supportive husband.
>Spike is now a Dracolich, half dragon, half lich.
>He is technically not a pony but is still registered as Twilight's adoptive brother so he's usually counted as one anyway.
>There, that's three.
>Rarity is called upon to do some emergency tailoring and soon Anon is wearing a pair of gloves.
>Spike is the only one who is in any way happy about all of this.
>Since now he can fly.

also crossposted
>Be Anon in Equestria.
>Out on a walk in the woods.
>Something is following you.
"Hi."
>You turn around to greet them.
>There's a dragon trying very hard to hide behind a tree.
>You know it's a dragon because it looks like a bigger spike with wings.
>Like you took him, upscaled him in photoshop, and then shopped on a pair of wings.
>You wait for a reply.
>They are still hiding behind the tree.
"Why are you doing that?"
>Still no response.
"Hiding behind trees like that rarely works in real life."
>The dragon comes out slowly.
>"Um, hi. I'm DRAGON_NAME."
>They are wringing their hands
>"Can I please kidnap you?"
"No thanks."
>"O- okay."
>Now DRAGON_NAME is starting to cry.
>"Why do I have to be so fat and ugly? I can't even kidnap a sigle stallion."
>Well shit, you've found a depressive dragon.
>Best foist them off onto Twilight.
"How about you come back to town with me and we'll see if we can figure out a solution?"
>DRAGON_NAME looks hopeful
>"That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
>Yep, definately gonna foist this onto Twilight.

Uh, hi. I got Something I've been meaning to post for this thread. Prewrote this months ago.

>“Come on Anon, please? I don’t care how you look...”
>You jerk your head away from the curious princess as she tries desperately to get an adequate look at your features, her hooves reaching for your mask.
>She’s like, three inches away from you, and that’s too fucking close for comfort.
“My mask is on for a reason, and it’s gonna stay on unless you wanna make me slap a bitch.”
>She corners you to the wall.
>“Don’t really care about that; now let me see your face…”
>With her magic, your mask is nearly yanked of, giving Twilight access to your square jaw and a well shaped mouth.
>Before anything else is revealed, you grab her hooves by the wrist quickly, like the snap of a finger.
“Get off before I go ape shit on your pony ass.”
>The mare sighs tiredly, yet persists in her efforts.
>“Come on Anon, why do you even wear the stupid thing?”
>You pull the green fabric back over your mouth.
“Heh...Guess you can say no one cared who I was til I put on the mask.”
>Twilight is understandably confused by the biggest joke ever told (for you).
>“Uh, Anon, everypony cares about you.”
“Hm...how about no?”
>You move the bitch out of your way, giving you freedom from the wall you’d been cornered to.
>Twilight growls in frustration.
>“What do you even have that’s worth hiding? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Anon, I’m your friend!”
>You ignore her as you walk out the castle.
>Jesus Christ all you wanted was a couple of eggs for a cake you were making, not a bitch trying to unmask and scare you.

>The next day is horrible.
>Sitting in the office of the mayor’s is a new experience for you.
>And a horrible one at that.
>For starters, it’s as fucking entertaining as watching grass grow.
>Actually no, because when you watch grass grow, you actually do manage to watch something be it very slowly.

>>28611339
>In the mayor’s office on the other hand…
>You’re forced to sit, wait, and listen to the annoying tick of the broken clock on the mayor’s vacant desk.
>Do you know how many minutes have gone by that you’ve waited here for this ASAP type of situation?
>Not five minutes, not ten, fifteen, but thirty long fuckign minutes of this smelly shit office.
>You’d leave, but according to the letter from the mayor herself, it is “of the most extreme importance that you, Anonymous the Human, arrive at the mayor’s office on Wednesday morning for a discussion of imperative topics.”
>Yeah, so imperative that she’s half an hour late.
>Ugh.
>The door opens as a mare with gray in her mane and a faded tan coat arrives.
>Finally.
>She sits on her office chair, you in front of her desk in a seat of your own.
>“Oh heavens! Why I am so sorry for my tardiness Mister Anonymous! You would not believe how maddening it was in the streets.”
>The smell of a quickly-bought sandwich lingers in the air to which you sniff at.
“You bought a sandwich instead, didn’t you?”
>She falters.
>“Uh, er...No. No I did not.”
>You scoot out of your chair to leave.
“Look, unless you start to act as serious as the letter told me to be, go fuck yourself.”
>The mare gasps as she startles at the sign of your departure.
>“W-what? No, wait!”
>You stop just before heading out the door, waiting for an explanation.
“Yes?”
The mayor hesitates.
>“It’s about your...”
“You wanna see my face without the mask, don’t you?”
>“...I’ll share my sandwich with you if you do?”
>You groan.
“I hope someone spat in it.”
>You slam the door as you stride out the building.
>And here you thought you couldn’t trust politicians before.

>>28611347
>You left the Mayor’s office with a frown.
>Stupid sandwich bitch.
>You start noticing the sound of a giddy spring...no, a hop.
>...Oh boy.
>Her.
>She’s probably walking right up to you any minute now…
>“How ya doing Anonny?”
>There she is.
“Fucking splendid, Ponk,” you grumble.
>Pinkie continues to hop down the sidewalk with you.
>“D’aw! Is somepony in a need of a huuuuug?~”
>You grumble at her boisterous joy.
“No thanks. Not really in a good mood.”
>Pinkie tilts her head and stares at you.
>“Why? Did someone hurt your feelings? Don’t let ’em getcha down, Nonny! I used to be bullied a lot when I was a kid, but Granny Pie always told me to keep on smilin’!”
“And of what importance is that to me?”
>“Nothing!Just-something-the-writer-tried-to-write-to-see-how-well-he-can-write-dialogue-for-my-character-and-stuff-which-is-what-he-is-doing-right-now-by-making-my-character-ramble-on-and-on-like-I-do-in-the-show-sometimes-yet-is-really-overused-by-most-writers- in-greentext-or-fanfiction-to-force-the-idea-that-I’m-really-excited-and-talk-a-lot-but-I ne...”
“STOP.”
>Thankfully she does, and stands still with a sweet smile.
>“You sure you’re okay?”
“Y-yeah, I’m fine. Just a lot of people are bugging me about why I wear this mask.”
>“Well why does he wear the mask?”
“Because...wait, did you just--?”
>“If I take that off, will you die?”
“...How do you know this!? You are not suppose to know this!!”
>“We are watching Anon...We are always watching! For we are the League of Shadowsssss…..”
>You purse your lips and exhale deeply.
“You don’t even know what that is, do you?”
>“No, but it’s super fun saying those things!”
>She slithers away like a snake, hissing the word “shadows” again.
>Fucking Ponka Po.
>...It is fun to say those things though.
>For you.

>>28611354
>Several hours later, you’ve had some good ol’ lunch, and spend some time reading.
>Not for very long though.
>When you hear the doorbell, you put down your book on your table in the kitchen, and head to the front door.
>During this, the doorbell does not stop ringing, and neither do your ears from the annoying sound.
>You huff out an upset sound and head to your front door.
>When your masked eyes see who’s ringing, you’re not exactly surprised.
>Impatient, rude, not caring if she’s annoying somebody by ringing obnoxiously…
>Of course it’s fucking Dash.
>She has this “too cool for school” get up on and leans against the door frame nonchalantly in a Greaser’s outfit.
>She slowly lifts her shades as you glare at her with a deadpan stare.
>Even her mane is gelled back, Jesus fuck.
>She places the sunglasses in her jacket pocket and grins arrogantly.
>“Heya cutie. Mind letting a cool kid like me in?”
>Oh sweet merciful Godzilla, that voice…
>It’s like she’s trying to sound cool with this gruff macho-voice...but damn is it stupid sounding.
>Jesus Christ this is an autistic child’s iteration of cool, what the fuck?
“Dash, what are you fucking doing?”
>“Don’t call me Dash, babe, I’m too ‘tuff’ for that kiddie stuff now,” she says while walking into your home, “you can call me ‘The D’ from now on, kay hot stuff?”
>This is embarrassing.
>Oh not for you though.
>But for Dash.
>Bitch is making you cringe so hard right now...
“You wanna be called ‘The D’?”
>She grins as she lays on your couch, stretching out on it like she fucking owns your property.
>“That’s the name, toots. Now why don’t you take off that pretty little mask of yours and give me some loving, huh?”
>...
>You step over to the couch, stand over Rainbow, and savagely tear the fucking jacket off like you were the fucking Hulk.
>“Wha--hey!!!”

>>28611364
>Just as she’s broken out of character, you aggressively noogie the overly stylized mane that would even make John Travolta cringe.
>She’s not so “tuff” now, is she?
>Finally looking like herself with her gnarly mane and without that costume, you stare sternly at her.
“So Rainbow…” you say to the cowering pegasus “...The fuck were you trying to do?”
>Dash smiles nervously.
>“I, uh, was being cool?”
>She fucking wishes she was cool.
“Well, you fucked that up when you were conceived, so please tell me you were trying to accomplish something else. Start by why you’re here.”
>She gulps noticeably.
>“N-n-no reason! Just wanted to say hi and stuff…”
>You lean your masked face closer to her’s menacingly.
“Oh?”
>She tries so hard to remain silent, but her fight or flight complex is currently favoring “flight” at the moment.
>You stand over her on the couch as your presence causes enough pressure to make her fidget nervously.
>Her hooves are sweaty.
>Knees weak, wings are heavy.
>....
>Ok, she’s not gonna talk yet.
“So you gonna tell me or are y--”
>“I WANNA TAKE OFF YOUR MASK!”
>MOM’S SPAGHETTI.

>You grab the pegasus by her rainbow tail.
“There’s a reason why this mask is here, and it’s gonna stay here. Get used to it.”
>You start to swing Rainbow like a lasso.
>“Wait! I gotta know what you look like!”
>She grabs a loose string from your mask’s fabric in hopes to pull it off.
>Too late, lel.
>You throw her out the window with her teeth still on that thread.
>As she fades into the distance, the thread is pulled with it, fucking up all of the stitching in your mask.
“Oh no no no no no…!”
>Finally, the thread snaps.
>Your mask--albeit not revealing your face--has been totally fucked up in it’s stitching.
>And parts are ripping now.
>...You’re gonna need a new mask, aren’t you?
>Yeah, you are.
>Thanks a lot Rainbow “The D” Dash.

>>28611371
>“Anonymous! Oh why what a pleasant surprise to see you! ...Oh dear. Dash wasn’t kidding around, was she?”
>You stomp in wearing your fucked up mask.
“Kidding about what?” you grumble into the boutique.
>You make sure to turn the “Open” sign so it says “Closed” as you always do with your appointments with Rarity.
>The elegant mare begins to close the blinds with her magic as you help out with any she may have missed.
>“Dash came here saying she was trying to impress a colt and asked for my advice. I jokingly gave her an old halloween costume my dearest father wore. She said that it was really for unmasking you through intimacy, and that it was perfect, gave me 50 bits, and left before I could say another word.”
>She places a hoof on her face and huffs.
>“I doubted her seriousness on the matter, but here you are.”
>You finished closing the last blinds in the main room of the boutique.
“Yeah, well, don’t expect that costume back in one piece.”
>Rarity giggles quite ladylike.
>“Seeing as how we’re talking about Rainbow, I’m somehow not surprised. Anywho, shall we move onto business then?”
>You don’t tell her that YOU tore the costume up, but details you know?
“I don't see why not.”
>She beams.
>“Excellent! Right this way please…”
>You walk to Rarity’s “inspiration room” where she keeps all of her equipment.
>She smiles sheepishly as she removes part of her mane away from her eyes.
>“I am /incredibly/ sorry for the conditions, but between you and me…” her voice goes to a whisper, “I’m not.”
>She has a small laugh with you.
>It takes everything in you to not yell that MOM’S GONNA FREAK!!!!
“Heh, don’t blame ya. Cleaning this would take forever….which is hopefully not as long as it will be to fix my mask, right?”
>“Take it off dear, you know I won’t look.”
>You smile under your mask at the only pony you trust with this kind of secrecy.

>>28611377
“You know I don’t care if it’s you.”
>Rarity rolls her eyes playfully.
>“I appreciate your faith in me, but I refuse to invade your privacy. I am a true mare, and as such respect your wishes to remain concealed.”
>Yeah, Rarity is your secret “mask-fixer” in town, and the only person you’d trust to see your real face.
>Not that she would,but if she ever did or needed to, then you’d have not as many qualms.
>As such, you’ve allowed yourself to risk your true nature with her, and trusting in her professionalism for her to keep silent about your appearance.
>Turns out she’s so professional that you could take off your mask and she’d politely look away for you.
>This is what usually happens when you meet her under conditions such as these…
“Okay, so here it is,” you say, placing the mask on her desk as she makes sure not to glance at your face.
>She studies it carefully for a minute.
>“Well, I’m afraid you need a new mask.”
“What’s the soonest I can get it?”
>She shrugs.
>“I'm not sure. I have your measurements and all the fabric, so it shouldn’t take someone of my skill too long to make it.
>She ponders, tapping her chin with her hoof gently.
“I’d say to give me about an hour.”
>You sigh in relief.
“Ok, I can do that. Any ideas what I could do in the meantime?”
>“Why don’t you try on some clothes I’ve made for you this week? I’m sure you’ll be fond of them once they are on you.”

>Yeah, you didn’t accept the offer.
>Instead, you wait outside of her room patiently.
>Like a lion.
>Except you got no pride, son.
>Not without your mask.
>It’s been a good while, and if you’re to believe Rarity’s words--which is usually a smart thing to do when it comes to stitching and sewing--then she should be done any minute now.
>Annnny minute.
>...
>You sigh.
>Things take time you guess, all you can do is wait.

>>28611382
>“Anon,” Rarity hollers from inside her work room, “you mask is awaiting you!”
>Fucking finally!
>You eagerly walk in to see Rarity on a three-legged stool with a tiny desk in front of her with many papers filled with very nice illustrations.
>Her eyes are closed for your convenience, but you can detect the small smile of accomplishment on her face.
>She probably thinks she did a good job.
>A when she does a good job, it’s a more of a “damn good job” if anything.
>Because of her closed eyes, you announce your presence to her, but do so playfully.
“Someone’s quite proud of themselves,” you remark at Rarity’s triumphant grin.
>She rolls her (closed) eyes with a dainty laugh.
>“Oh? Coming from an individual who lacks enough ego to actually present his face to others,” she taps her chin in thought, “I’d have to say I’ll skip your advice.”
>She’s as witty as ever.
“Uh huh, yeah, not like I’ve given my personal tailor permission to see my face, right?”
>You wait for another witty comeback from Rarity, but to your surprise, there isn’t one.
>She just smiles a bit wider and gets up from her three-legged stool, and opens her eyes.
>She doesn’t look at your face--she never wants to be intrusive on your privacy--but she does look at the mask she had created on a replica of your head’s shape.
>No face on the dummy head, just a perfect reconstruction of the shape and form of it.
>On it is the mask, fitting perfectly, much to your glee.
>“Here it is, Anon, your new mask! I sincerely hope it is to your liking…Would you care to try it on, dear?”
“I’d love to.”
>Rarity doesn’t face you, but you know she smiles at the eagerness in your voice.
>“Excellent! Come on over here then.”
>Due to your larger legs, it takes a shorter time for you to step next to her and see the mask on the false head.
>Using her magic,she levitates the mask off of the replica head.

>>28611397
>“Hold your so-called ‘hands’ out, please.”
>You do so and she places the soft, green mask into your hands
>Staring down at it, you feel very, very thankful for Rarity’s willingness to help you out.
>You get down and attempt to be at eye-level with her.
>When you do, she changes her face’s direction to look away from you.
>You place a hand on Rarity’s shoulder tenderly.
“Hey...Thanks. It’s really nice that you want to do this to help me out, y’know?”
>Rarity sighs with a tired smile.
>“It’s generosity. It’s what I do.”
>You pull her into a friendly hug.
“Thanks.”
>“Anytime Anon. Anyti...” you pull out the hug, but little do you know that Rarity has finally seen your face, “...a-any...t-ti...t-time…”
>Rarity starts to breathe heavily as her eyes turn to complete pin pricks.
>She twitches slightly for a reason you don’t yet know, and her white complexion turns even whiter.
>You stand up from being eye level with her.
>She has yet to move her eyes anywhere else.
>This is weirding you out.
“Uh, Rarity? You ok?”
>“Yuh-huh…”she says, slowly and shakily nodding her head ‘yes’.
>Maybe you shouldn’t have hugged her…
>Shit you just made things hella awkward, didn’t you?
>You cough nervously to break the silence, but Rarity still sits there like a lunatic in the corner of a padded room.
>You quickly get out your wallet.
“Soooo….how much is it gonna be?”
>Rarity answers with an unsteady tone in her voice.
>“T-take it...”
“Oh! Uh, ok?”
>You leave for home in the new mask.
>It’s really comfortable.

>>28611406
>Later...
>“Looky Anon! If you dare to even LOOK at my honeybunchkins that way again, I swear on my dear mother’s grave that I’ll--”
“Mr. Cake, I have a fucking mask on. How would you even know if I’m looking at your wife? Actually, where did you even hear that I was looking at your wife!?”
>The tall pony squints his eyes as he points his dough roller at you menacingly.
>“She told me! She said that while your were paying for a “Cream Pie” you ordered, she said that she was being swayed by your silver tongue!”
>You groan as the entire shop of Sugar Cube Corner watches this retarded misunderstanding.
“Ok, look, I only said “keep the change” cause she was looking at me weirdly and I really wanted to leave,” you say calmly as you can.
>You don’t really want to get riled up over something so stupid.
>He flares his nostrils angrily.
>“Oh? That all? Listen, if you talk to my wife, look at my wife, and so much as even think about my wife...”
“I’m not even talking to your wife! She was coming on to me! I swear!”
>“Get out of my shop right now before I--”
>Pinkie interrupts as she pops up next to Mister Cake, who jumps from his employee’s stealth.
>“Hey Anon! Whatcha doin’?” she asks curiously like a child.
>She leans her elbow on the counter as her mouth curves to form a child’s smile.
>You eat up at the opportunity to talk to another person, pony, or whatever.
“Nothing, just your boss being paranoid with me ‘cause I’m not a fucking quadruped.”
>Pinkie giggles.
>“Again? Oh, c’mon Mr. Cake! What’s it this time?”
>He tries to get back in his rage.
>“H-he’s saying that my wife is harassing him! But he knows what he’s doing!”
>Pinkie rolls her eyes with a grin while wrapping a hoof around Mr. Cake’s shoulder.
>“Do you reeeaaaally think you’re wife’s gonna leave you for this guy? Cause if I know Mrs. Cake, then something tells me that she’s TOTALLY happy with your marriage!”