Anonymous in Equestria Thread #1094

Tripfags in Equestria.

>>27267911
>dat neck

>>27268342
>those non existant shoulders and massively wide feet

>>27267911
>Lyra trying to huff human farts.
>"I can taste your insides Anon."

Anon explains the meaning of life to ponys.
Its Skeleton puns.

>>27269027
What do you call your skeleton philosophy student who joined you on a road trip?
a metacarpal

>>27269043
Quite humerous.

Right then, dis is gonna be on the shorter side, but I kinda didn't plan this out, just sorta thought "hey, it's may 4th, I should get an update out for my jedi story" while at work, then proceeded to fuck around on the internet for half of the time since getting off work. Also if anything feels off, it's probably because I didn't give it a solid readthrough to make sure the stuff I added gels with the stuff that's been sitting in the .txt for months.

Previously on The Force in Harmony:
>http://pastebin.com/TJAqXmgd
>A bunch of talking and an eventless walk through the everfree.


>The inside of the treebrary was quite cozy.
>Walls lined with books, a table to read at, and the warm light of candles adding to the light from the windows.
>"There isn't really a proper guest room here, but I've got something set up in the basement. Hopefully the bed is large enough, you're... big."
"So I've noticed."
>Luckily the ceilings seem to be high enough, but so far all the doors you've seen have been well shorter than you can simply walk through.
>"Spiiike, we're back!"
>"Well /that/ didn't take long..."
>The reply came from a side room, followed closely by the speaker, a purple and green reptile of some sort that managed to be even smaller than these ponies.
>"So--woah, he's HUGE!"
>A broom clatters to the floor as Spike gapes at you, eyes wide.
>"Spike, staring is impolite."
>"Oh, uh, right. Sorry."
>He manages to tear his gaze away from you, and reaches down to pick up his broom.
>"Anyway, Spike, I need you to send a letter to the princess, its possible some of Anonymous's supplies fell out of his ship before it crashed, and some of it could be dangerous."
>Twilight levitates a page of her notes over to him, which he takes and...
>Burns up with a small belch of green flame.
>This was apparently the intended result, as she is completely unphased.

>>27269778

>"Ok, that's handled. The basement is this way, you can set your pack down there, it looks rather heavy."
"Perhaps, but it's a weight I'm well used to in my travels."
>The basement is surprisingly cavernous, the stairs curving along the wall.
>Much of the space is taken up by machinery of some sort.
>All you can really tell is that there's a lot of blinking lights, but it was a welcome sight.
>Perhaps there was still a chance they were advanced enough to be able to repair your ship.
>And there, near the base of the stairs, was a cobbled together bed, along with a pony-sized desk and stool.
>"There wasn't really time to get a you-sized desk set up ahead of time, I hope that's all right."
"My legs will stick out from under it, but it should be f--"
>A belch from Spike interrupts you, a rolled-up scroll materializing from his green flames.
>He catches and unrolls it, clearing his throat before he begins to read aloud.
>"My dear student Twilight: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Weather teams along the areas Anonymous's ship passed over will be instructed to watch for any debris, and guard patrols have been sent to check the more remote locations. Even if there is no danger to be found, I am certain Anonymous will appreciate the recovery of any lost supplies we may discover."
>"So that's taken care of, good. Shouldn't take more than a day or two if there's anything to be found."
>You nod, shrugging off your pack and setting it by the bed.
"Depending on what survived, there may be some use of them, but much of it was simply food and such for extended journeys. One never knows how long they'll be away from the comforts of home."
>"You're an explorer?"
"Of sorts. The galaxy is a large place, and much of it is already known, if isolated. Only rarely do I find myself on an unknown world like this, with no outside contact."
>Twilight's expression shifts to a now-familiar look of barely restrained curiosity.

>>27268122
>Iceman
That name scares me

>>27269790

>"So what do you normally do?"
"Whatever needs doing. There aren't enough of us to maintain a presence on every world, so we respond to requests as they come up. In quieter times, we serve as advisors, mediators, diplomats. In rougher times... you've seen firsthand what we can do, and that reputation alone can sometimes defuse a situation before it escalates."
>"But not always."
>You let out a long breath before answering.
"No, not always."
>"What does it... what is it even like?"
>Her tone has again shifted, a hint of worry making itself known.
"It's..."
>It takes you a few moments to think of how to properly articulate your response.
"A lot of the time, it's just some thugs. Plenty of sentients haven't seen a jedi in person before, so they don't think the stories can possibly be true. Or they're afraid to back down in front of their friends, or simply think they can win. Most of them change their mind after their weapon gets sliced apart with nothing to show for it. Very rarely is one stubborn enough to require killing. Wild beasts are something I have more experience with than most jedi, given my travels."
>Twilight's gaze is unwavering as you continue.
"With animals, it's mostly posturing. They'll growl and roar, they'll rear up, but that's just them warning you to back off. It takes a push for them to outright attack. If you heed their warnings, you'll generally be left alone."
>"So what happened with the lizards?"

>>27269794
It's fine, he's a chill dude.

>>27269790

"I'm not sure. If they were simply defending the nest I had stumbled into, they should have stopped chasing me after I'd moved on. They would need to have been desperately hungry to pursue as long as they had, a hungry animal is easy to dissuade by simply being not worth the effort to hunt down. Even after losing as many as they did as quickly as they did, they did not immediately scatter when I charged them. Either those lizards are particularly determined hunters, which seems at odds with how out of place my actions seem to have been, or someone has trained them."
>You can see the wheels turning in her head as she processes your words.
"I do not know enough about how animals behave here to say for certain, perhaps with some observation we can work out if that was normal behavior or not."
>"Mmm. So, thugs and animals? Was there anything else?"
"For the most part, not really, but there are more serious dangers to be faced. There are some with the talent to be able to fight a jedi on more or less even terms, and there are occasions when such a person is inclined to do so, generally when there is a lot of money involved. Beyond those..."
>A silence hangs in the air.
"Some users of the Force do not have good intentions."
>Your voice takes a decidedly hard tone, causing Twilight to pull away slightly at the shift.
>The questions she may have had melt away under your stern expression.
>"Rrrrright. Well, I've got some books to sort, go ahead and get settled in, if you need anything, just let me or Spike know."
>With that, she turns and trots up the steps, leaving you alone.
>Probably not the best way to end a conversation, but an effective one against the inquisitive sort.

>There wasn't much unpacking to do, most of the contents of your pack was wilderness gear.
>You go ahead and pull out the field rations, as well as the spare robes, setting them on a corner of your desk for now, with your lightsaber resting on top.

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>>27269809


>A quick check of the desk's drawers finds you a set of writing materials.
>Aurebesh wasn't exactly designed with handwriting it in mind, but you do a decent enough job of putting the symbols to paper.
>Once they were all there, you grab the sheet of paper and head upstairs.
>Time to figure out if this written language difference goes both ways.


Update's bin is http://pastebin.com/r2FjH9k1

So this update, more talking.
Next update, probably even more talking!
I think I remember why I haven't written in a while, dialogue is such a slog.

>>27269794
And you should have right to be afraid, lowly mortal.

>>27269809
>>27269830
I'm sorry to be a fretful franny, I just remember the scary iceman from /co/ and Telltale Games General

>>27269830
You need to chill.

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>>27269824

>>27267911
>"Goddamnit, Lyra, for the last time NO you CAN'T be my slave, now FUCK OFF."

>>27269830
not cool

>>27269027
boning

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Good evening, gentlemen. I have a story for you tonight. Here is Mad Science: Chapter 4. For the previous chapters:

Chapter 1: http://pastebin.com/40mr44VH
Chapter 2: http://pastebin.com/JJWvTEPe
Chapter 3: http://pastebin.com/vm9C1M2H

>The candlelight does a casual tango along the walls over the library loft as you carefully dip a thick quill into a crystalline pot of ink and scrawl out the short phrase you began your ritual with:
>“Dear Princess Celestia,” the letter begins.
>“I apologize in my delay in writing this, as I have been quite occupied with recent events. Three days ago, a human known as Anonymous appeared in Ponyville. He is, obviously, from an alternate dimension, though not the same as that which the Crystal Mirror leads to, as he has no knowledge of the universe I visited. He arrived in Equestria via a portal of his own design, operating on mechanics that Equestrian technology could not hope to replicate. He looks down on our society as primitive. More vexing, however, is his philosophical bent. Anonymous, quite simply, rejects friendship on a philosophical level.”
>“I have dealt with many beings in my tutelage in the Magic of Friendship, many of whom had simply said that they have no need for friends, but this is not Anonymous’s way. He would probably see the reasons that others usually reject friendship for to be irrational. However, I remain ignorant of the source of his philosophy, and he is unlikely to be forthcoming with that information at this time.
>“I only hope that I can eventually figure out how to teach Anonymous as much about the Magic of Friendship as he knows about physics. As always, I seek your counsel in this endeavor. If you have any advice to give, perhaps advice from some of your previous students or even from my earlier tutelage under you, than I would gladly accept it. I will also try to bring Anonymous before you at some point, as I am certain that you would like to meet him.
>“As always, your student,
>“Twilight Sparkle”

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>>27272748

>Mornings were never your strong suit.
>You always preferred to stay up late into the night, flipping through a good book, huddled beneath the woolen blankets of your bed with a mug of black tea by your side.
>Fortunately, you learned a near-instant boiling spell a few weeks ago, and that should help you -
>You find Anonymous awake early in the morning, sitting at a table in your library, a stack of books and papers by his side.
>A yellow pencil sits in between his thumb and forefinger, the graphite currently being worked to a flat nib as it marches letter by letter across a formerly blank sheet.
>“Oh, good. You’re awake,” he says, before returning to his scribbling.
“A ‘good morning, Twilight,’ would be nice,” you say in response.
“Let’s assume I said that then, and move on,” he replies.
>Your lips form a paltry frown.
>“We have much work to do today,” Anonymous continues. “From your books, I have come to understand that Equestria has a very advanced picture of classical physics, up through electrodynamics, but no forays into the quantum realm. This will be a hindrance as we .progress in our research into the origin of magic.”
>Walking over to the desk, you take a look at the nearly illegible scrawl written on the sheets of paper, barely making out words like “electromagnetic interaction,” “W-boson,” and “quantum chromodynamics,” plus long rows of mathematical equations in symbols that seemed to simply melt into an illegible mess in the same way that sugar melts into boiling lead.
“You read all of those books?” you ask, lifting up one of the six heavy tomes with your telekinesis.
>“Skimmed for the most part. Read a few parts,” he says.
>Faintly, he mutters something that you can’t quite make out, but sounds something like “haven’t been sleeping much.”
“What?”

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>>27272753

>“Nevermind. It’s irrelevant,” he says. “The point is, your understanding of force is completely out of date. This may be because of technological limitations, but, regardless, it will be a hindrance if we are attempting to determine the origins of forces.”
>He pauses for a moment.
>“My understanding of magic, so far, is that it is a force, in whatever sense you choose that to be. There are some pieces of the picture that I am beginning to build that you will not be able to understand if I do not teach you what we humans have learned past classical mechanics. Furthermore, I want to prevent covering ground that has already been tread.”
“What are you proposing?” you ask.
>“I’ve prepared a short quiz to determine if your knowledge of classical mechanics is up to standards.”
>Shuffling through his papers, Anonymous digs out a piece covered in what you can make out to be equations and diagrams.
>“Just get it back to me when you’re finished,” he says, then returns to writing.
>Frowning, you say:
“Anonymous, are you sure this is really necessary? I’m fairly familiar with physics. Or, at least, our physics.”
>“Then you shouldn’t have any qualms about showing me your abilities. In addition, I need to better understand your mathematical prowess. These problems should also test that; they cover most of the tools you will need to understand even the cutting edge of physics.”
“Maybe if you told me what your hypothesis is, then we could focus on what exactly we need to learn.”
>The pencil stops.
>“Very well. I do have a hypothesis.”
>Your purple ears perk up as Anonymous stands from his chair.
>“I have a hypothesis,” he speaks. “But I’m not certain how to test it.”

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>>27272758

>“In the late 19th century, approximately 150 years before my time, we discovered that electricity and magnetism were one and the same, and they also produced light. This force was known as electromagnetism. It became one four fundamental interactions, four basic forces that define the universe. They are electromagnetism, gravity, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. Each force produces a field of a certain strength and range, and has a particle or a group of particles, a focused point of that field, associated with it.”
“So, what are you saying?” you ask.
>“Hold on, there’s more. In the 1960s, about 60 years before my time, physicists hypothesized that there was a point where electromagnetism and the weak nuclear force became indistinguishable. We proved this to be true. From that, we deduced that there was a point where all four forces became indistinguishable from one another, perhaps at the beginning of the universe or at conditions that replicated that point. Despite our discovery of the graviton, thus completing the force particle chart, and solving the problems we had with merging gravity with the other four forces, we have yet to observe this possibility.”
“And?”
>“I have observed magic used to produce both electromagnetic interactions directly. I theorize that its capability to produce telekinesis and teleport objects to be gravitational interactions. From this, I have determined that magic appears to be a fusion of the electromagnetic and gravitational interactions. Gravity is supposed to be the first of the four forces to deunify, having the highest unification energy.”
>He turns and faces you directly.
>“Magic is a unification of all four fundamental forces.”
>Puzzling over Anonymous’s statements, you blink.
>Seeing as you’re giving him no response, Anonymous returns to the scratching of his pencil across the parchment.

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>>27272765

“So, what do you plan to test? How do you want to prove that?”
>“Well, there are several things I wish to examine. Quantum effects, primarily. For one, I am interested in how telekinesis works, though this may have to wait for some preliminary results to determine if I can even understand the source of the phenomenon.”
“I think you may have to revise your theory. Telekinesis is understood as simply producing a force on the moved object -”
>“Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way,” Anonymous says, cutting you off. “I’ve read a bit of your literature on the subject; it’s all wildly inaccurate.”
“How do you know that? You’re from a completely different universe -”
“Yes, yes where the laws of physics could be completely different. Of course. But, so far, I have no reason to assume the laws of physics are different here, beyond the addition of this field you call magic.”
>Pausing for a moment, Anonymous collects his thoughts again.
“So, to continue, if the force produced during telekinesis were a mere contact force, then it would be transferred, at root, by the electromagnetic force, as the charges of electron clouds around the atoms composing the objects in the collision repelled one another, transferring down the line and eventually producing motion,” he says.
>“But there is no contact involved in the telekinetic force produced, beyond the shimmering aura that appears around the object. The production of photons is generally not a response to a simple contact force, or at least, none that I know of. So there must be some other interaction occurring.”
>Sighing, he says, “I’m beginning to wonder whether this partnership was a completely waste of time. I almost would have been better off figuring these things out on my own.”
“No! It’s not! We can work through this and -” you begin to reply.

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>>27272767

>“And what? Your theories of the fundamental forces of nature are completely out of date. Of course we can explain where the telekinetic force comes from in a classical sense. It’s just a force acted on the object opposing gravity. But which force is it? Where does that force truly germinate from? Where, Twilight?”
“I - I don’t know. My understanding of magic only goes so far. I understand what magic can do, but not how.”
>“And I don’t fully understand what magic can do, but how it could do it. We’ve gone over this many times. This is precisely why we must establish this foundation. So, I advise you to get to work quickly on that.”
“And what are you going to do?”
>“Study some more of your books. Fortunately, my current place of residence is a library. I may as well search the scholarship for some answers to questions I still have. There are many specifics that I need to factor into my hypothesis.”
“Then what exactly do you need me for?”
>“Clarification. Guidance. A source of the phenomena. Presumably, there are more recent developments that have not been written down yet, of which you may be privy to but your books... not. Plus, I am best when self-taught, and I am hoping you are as well, as you can expect no grand lectures on these subjects. We don’t have time for that. And, in the interest of that time, I should expect that exam back by the end of the day.”
“I’m not sure if I can do that.”
>The graphite snaps.
>“Why not?” he says in a low, growling tone.
“Well, I was planning on going to lunch with Rarity today, and I wanted to organize the east stacks and -”
>“You will make time for those things later. I hope you understand that this is far more important.”
“And you have to understand that you can’t just expect people to drop things for your needs. It’s not friendly. Weren’t you going to try to be friendly?”
>“Oh, good, we’re still all on about that nonsense.
“It is not nonsense!”

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>>27272770

>“In comparison to the work we are trying to do here, it absolutely is. Do you even remotely understand that we are not only attempting to figure out one of the fundamental forces of your universe, but attempting to return me to mine. Furthermore, I’ve already extended an olive branch by asking for a research partnership, as opposed to simply figuring out these things on my own -”
“Which you still seem to be doing anyways....”
>“This is the preliminary research stage. Doing research on my own is by far the most efficient means. There will be later opportunities where a more direct partnership will be more efficient.”
>Groaning, you almost want to bang your head into a large, flat object, such as cinderblock wall, a wooden desk, or Anonymous’s stubbornness.
>“Oh, come now, don’t be like that. Patience is a necessary part of science.”
“No, it’s not that.”
>“Then what is it?”
“Do you know you are the most difficult sentient being to work with?”
>“Of course.”
>Frowning in response, you say:
“Well, seeing as you have given me no compelling reason to complete your quiz in a timely manner, I think I’ll perform the daily activities I was planning on doing beforehand. I have a very tight schedule to keep, and I prefer to do things that I actually enjoy or for people that actually seem to appreciate me. Have a pleasant day with your research, Anonymous.”
>You strut towards the door.
“I am going out.”
>Before Anonymous has a chance to retort, you slam the heavy oak door behind you.

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>>27272773

>Lyme and Dare’s is a small cafe on the edge of town, catering more to those who knew that being the soft fluffy center of the bread was far superior to being the hard outer crust, but still appreciated the finer things in life.
>It was set on the bottom floor of a small, stone shop, with a large glass window revealing the moderately-lit interior filled with small booths and a front patio with large round umbrellas covering small, four-chaired tables.
>The menu was short, custom created by the chef every day, based on fresh-picked herbs and small plates of artisan greens and other relishes.
>“Eclectic and interesting!” the reviewers, and your friend, raved.
>Unfortunately, today you are distracted by your lunch salad of mustard greens and arugula with bleu cheese, strawberries, and a lemon-pomegranate-pepper vinaigrette by other things on your mind, namely a certain human from an alternate dimension who seems to not understand exactly what a “partnership” means.
>Similarly, you are concerned about how he may have treated your seamstress friend, currently sitting across the small, round, metal table sipping from a small mug of tea.
>“I’ve been working on a absolutely fabulous new set,” Rarity says, having a bite of her roasted beet salad. “There’s this new fabric that I just ordered that’s divine. Soft, lightweight, supple, shimmers like a placid lake. You’ll have to take a look at it when it’s finished.”
“Yeah, absolutely. Right,” you reply.
>“Something wrong, darling?”
“Sorry, just a bit distracted.”
>“Has it been busy at the library lately? Or do you have some new friendship problem that you need help with?”

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>>27272778

“No, nothing like that. I mean, the library has been almost quieter than usual. Probably, with school out and all, no fillies are coming in looking for research books for their book reports.... Hm. Maybe I need to do something to get more people into the library. Although, then again, maybe now isn’t the time for that, considering my... current guest.”
>Rarity takes a sip of tea.
>“So, how has your little pet project been going?”
“What? Oh, you mean -”
>“Anonymous! Have you made any progress with him?”
“Well, I think I’m getting through to him somehow. He offered for me to be his ‘research partner,’ but so far all he’s done is sit around and read books from my library. He’s completely insistent on doing everything as some sort of trade. He gave me this,” you say, pulling a sheet of white paper from your saddlebag, covered with what appear at first glance to be inane black scribblings.
>Rarity takes an incredulous look at it.
>“What is it?”
“A quiz of sorts. He wanted to know what how much mathematics and physics I already understand. He’s been incredibly pushy about it, for whatever reason, to the point that he expected me to miss our date to work on it. On the other hand, I’ve already looked over a few problems, and they seem solvable, but there’s one at the very end that seems to be vexing me, because I would have to make an assumption that I’m not quite certain about.”
>“Natural philosophy has never been my forte, Twilight, so I don’t know what help I can give,” Rarity says.
“I know,” you say, biting into a tea cookie and swallowing.
“How did it go yesterday with Anonymous?”
>“I mean, it was certainly different and interesting, taking measurements for a human, but it shouldn’t be that difficult to adapt some of my designs to his body structure,” Rarity says. “I think I may finally be able to make use of some design books I had for minotaur garments, but I may even then have to size those -”

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>>27272784

“Not that. I mean, how was his behavior? How did you take him?”
>“To be frank, he was rather... well, he was rather....”
“Cold, calculating, distant, rude, blunt, and generally unfriendly?”
>“Well, I’m not so certain the degree he was the last three, but certainly the first few.”
>Taking another sip of tea and a bite of salad, she frowns.
>“He asked me some rather difficult questions. He’s not exactly one for casual smalltalk, he prefers a grand discussion about the nature of generosity itself. He was very curious about my Element.”
“What did he say?”
>“He was just going on about how generosity isn’t valuable because everything is just a tit-for-tat trade off, sort of like you were saying. Everything is just some sort of give and take to him. He seems to think that friends would only do things for one another to get their friends to do things in return. But I told him that if this were true, then we’d simply replace our friends with others who would give these things to us, and we don’t do that. We as friends have unique interactions that we share with one another.”
“I see. I agree. That’s a great thought, Rarity,” you say, nodding.
>“I certainly thought so, but Anonymous didn’t seem that convinced. He seems to think there must be some ‘flaw in my reasoning,’ as he put it. But he couldn’t think of what, and dropped the line of inquiry.”
“Strange. I’d imagine he would have been able to come up with a counter-argument on the spot but.... Oh well, he’ll probably come up with something.”
>“I think if you give Anonymous a bit of time, he’ll come around. We’ve never been incapable of showing anyone that friendship is worth far more than lonesomeness, and I’m sure Anonymous will come to see that as well. Now, are you sure you don’t have time for a little tea cake?”
“Oh, alright, I can’t resist. But this had better be quick. I really wanted to get around to organizing the east stacks today, and to stay on schedule I really need to get home.”

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>>27272790

>“Garçon?” Rarity calls to the waiter, giggling a bit. “Two more cups of tea and two tea cakes.”

>You sit in a comfortable chair, reading a heavy textbook on elementary magical studies, as you have for the past 18 hours.
>Silence fills the library and your mind, Twilight being out with some friend doing something you couldn’t care less about.
>A stack of papers, covered in what appear at first glance to be inane black scribblings, sits on a nearby table, along with a pencil, the soft graphite ground down to a flat nib, as you hadn’t a chance to sharpen it.
>There are many things vexing you, most of which you had written down.
>First, that ponies had mostly been exploring what they could do with magic, as opposed to what it was.
>Then again, the catalogue of feats capable by “magic” seemed near limitless, so arguably that was not without good reason.
>Discovering some new spell to increase crop growth or automate manufacturing could often be more useful than figuring out the actual source of that spell, at least in the proximate sense.
>However, despite Equestria’s vast knowledge of “magic,” they lack any knowledge of physics from beyond around 1890 or any technology from beyond around 1920.
>That presented many limitations, including that calculations would mostly have to be done by hand.
>Although, you also suppose you could work out a way to use your hazard suit’s internal computers to handle some of the heavier calculations, if necessary, and perhaps construct a crude charging device to refill its batteries.
>Until then, time to learn to use a slide-rule, you muse with a wry chuckle, only to be interrupted by a loud, percussive knock on the door.
>You assume Twilight’s dragon servant, whose name you can’t be bothered to remember right now, will get it, and your hypothesis proves correct by softly audible pattering of stubby legs on the wooden floor and the creak of the heavy oak door opening.

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>>27272797

>A conversation beginning on the threshold between the servant’s high-pitched, prepubescent male tones and another voice, colored in the brash twang of banjo-playing, cotton-picking, country-seceding, moonshine-running, and sibling-loving, slowly increases in volume as it moves toward you.
>You manage to pick out a few phrases: a pair of greetings; the guest asking if Twilight was home and if she could help with some problem; Spike answering in the negative, but stating that you were present and that you might be able to help.
>“Well, you can ask him, but I don’t know if he’ll be very keen,” you distinctly catch Spike says as the two finish their approach.
>“Heya, Anonymous,” the other voice says.
>You peer your narrowed eyes over the edge of your book like a cave dwelling creature emerging into the outside world.
>An orange horse with a blonde mane and a Stetson hat stands in front of you.
“Oh. Hello -”
>What has her name again?
>She has what looks like three red apples on her upper thigh, so it must be something to do with apples.
>Didn’t Twilight have a friend that was named like a brand of cereal or -
“- Applejack.”
>You return to your reading.
>“Ahem. Anonymous, I wanted to know if you could help me with somethin’,” Applejack says.
>Again, your eyes are forced to sneak above the pages.
“What?”
>“Well, it’s like I said a couple ‘a days ago. We’ve been have a pinch ‘a trouble with our threshin’ machine, and I was wonderin’ if you might be able to -”
“No. As I said a few days ago, my expertise is in theoretical physics, not mechanical engineering. There wouldn’t be anything I could do for you.”
>“Are ya sure? I mean, couldn’t ya at least just take a look at it or -”
“No.”

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>>27272804

>Rubbing her hat against the back of her head, Applejack says, “I guess that was what I expected and all. I mean, if you really don’t think you could help, then I guess there’s no use tryin’ to convince you. Just gonna have to wait for Twilight to get back I guess....”
“Right.”
>Applejack begins to walk away.
>Turning a page of your book, you realize something.
“Although, I suppose there is something else that I... nevermind, it’s not important.”
>“You can’t just leave it at that. What is it?”
“Twilight has been bothering me about trying to be more friendly with people, and I’ve been trying to make an inquiry into what are supposedly the six primary ‘elements of friendship’ of sorts in this universe. They seem to have some sort of metaphysical significance. As such... you are the ‘Element of Honesty,’ are you not?”
>“Yeah. What about it?”
>Rising from your chair, you pace towards one of the windows.
“You see, I’ve done a bit of thought on the subject of honesty, and I haven’t come to a very satisfying conclusion for this next question. Why do you suppose that we value honesty, particularly in our relationships with other people? It seems to me that friendships are primarily based on, to put it bluntly, lying,” you say.
>“Why do you think that?” Applejack says, cocking an eyebrow.
“Oh, come now, surely you must understand this. We are forced to tell lies all the time to protect our friends feelings. We are pleasant and polite to people whom we have no particular liking to. We reserve our true feelings about unpleasant subjects so as not to upset people. There are long lists of “polite” behaviors that consist of being deceptive with our friends and not saying what we truly think.”
>Briefly looking towards the door, Applejack adjusts her hat slightly.

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>>27272811

“It seems to me that we value deceit as much as honesty in our relationships with others. In fact, it doesn’t seem possible that we cannot be absolutely honest to anyone. For example, if a brutal axe murderer were to show up on your doorstep one day, asking where your friend was so that he could kill him, would you tell him?”
>“No, of course not,” Applejack says.
>You smile.
“And that would be lying. So, I think it is clear that honesty is not the absolute virtue that we so think it is. There are situations in which lying is more virtuous.”
>“Now, you just.... You just take a minute here and think about what you’re saying. Being honest with your friends is completely different than being honest with a murderer.”
“How so?”
>Applejack scratches her mane under her hat.
>“Look, I ain’t some rationalizing natural philosopher like you. I can’t come up with the most perfect argument that will just blow you away. But you’ve got this just twisted up view of how friendships work. Friends who have to always lie to each other... well, they just ain’t really friends.”
>Your eyes narrow.
>“Your friends are supposed to be the people who can be most honest to ya. You gotta have... uh... beings who can help you evaluate your own life, ponies or people or whatever that can help you realize who you are and if your life is good or bad or otherwise. They’re like a mirror on yourself. Your friends should be the people who can be most honest to you. Yeah, sure, it’s not absolute. Sometimes we have to say things that aren’t true to protect people. But, when it all comes down to it, when worst comes to worst, your friends should be the ones who’ll be honest with ya when others won’t.”
>Frowning, you pour over the response, the farm pony’s words echoing around your brain, until another interruption emerges.
“Oh, good, you’re back.”

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>>27272819

>“Hello, Anonymous,” Twilight says. “And hello to you, Applejack. Did I interrupt something between you two?”
“Not at all,” you say. “Applejack and I were just having a brief inquiry into the nature of honesty. She seems to have made a good point for now, though I think I will be able to come up with a counterpoint at some point soon.”
>“Similar to what happened with Rarity yesterday? Except with generosity, of course,” Twilight says.
“How did you - oh, so that’s who you were having lunch with,” you say.
>“We’re going to talk about that later, by the way,” Twilight says, a bit more firmly.
“Very well,” you say with a short grimace.
>“And what about you, Applejack? Why did you need to seek out Anonymous?” Twilight asks.
>“Well, I wasn’t really lookin’ for him. I was actually lookin’ for you, but you weren’t here and all, so I decided to ask Anonymous here if he’d help with that broken thresher I told you about. There’ s a problem with the magical generator, and I thought you might be able to help with that.”
>You ears perk up at the mention of the words “magical generator.”
>Now, that is something you’d very much like to see, you think to yourself.
>Perhaps it will help you better understand magic’s relation with the electromagnetic force.
>Yes, this is an excellent idea.
>“Anonymous says he can’t really help with that, but I bet you can.”
>“Sure, I’ll take a look at it if I get some time,” Twilight says. “I’m really booked up today - I’ve got to organize the east stacks and sort out some new arrivals sent that Celestia sent me from her personal library - but I think I could get over there in a couple days.”
>“Alrighty then. Shouldn’t be too much trouble.”
“I would like to take a look at this ‘magical generator,’” you say. “There may actually be something I could do, plus I’d like to study how it works. I couldn’t do it today, as well, because I am... a bit too caught up in this research.”

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>>27272826

>“Okay,” Applejack says. “Guess it can’t hurt to have two hands to help. See you guys then.”
>Applejack trots out the door, and Twilight abruptly slams it shut and glares a hole six feet deep into you.
>“What exactly have you been doing with my friends?” she asks.
“Is it not appropriate to have philosophical discussion with someone?”
>“Not when you first meet them!”
“Oh, please. Why waste time with empty platitudes when there is a far more interesting discussion to be had?”
>“Because - because it’s just not polite conversation to just ask someone what they believe about some philosophical topic, especially when you first meet them.”
“Well, I don’t care about that. There are far more important matters at hand. Your friends are literally the Platonic ideals of the ‘elements’ of friendship, or harmony, or whatever you want to call it, and I want to make an inquiry into that. Or are they not?”
>“Well, I don’t know what a Platonic ideal is.”
“Plato was an ancient philosopher who believed that there were absolute forms or ideals of things such as good or justice, a sort of metaphysical object or definition that everyone would agree was the absolute essence of the thing it represented. At least, that was how I always took it,” you explain.
>“Okay.... And, you think my friends are these forms made manifest?”
“Perhaps. That is a fairly close approximation to what I interpret these ‘Elements of Harmony’ to be. It would at least seem to me that your friends should have some deeper insight into their element.”
>“Okay, that might be true, but even so, do you really think that it’s okay to just go around asking people about their deepest philosophical beliefs?”
“I was just curious.”
>“You can’t just go around trying to get people into philosophical debates with you all the time. What, would you invite a bunch of people over to your house and then try and get them to determine the nature of justice with you?”

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>>27272835

>You stifle a chuckle.
>“This isn’t funny!”
“I think you patently fail to see the humor in this situation, and probably couldn’t. Regardless, as I have told you before, I really don’t care about this whole ‘trying to be friendly’ thing. I have inquiries to make into the metaphysical and physical nature of your universe. I would rather make progress on those than relationships with others that I don’t care about.”
>Turning the next page of your book, you attempt to return to research, before Twilight levitates the text out of your hands and tosses it aside.
“I was reading that,” you say.
>“I thought we were having a discussion.”
“I thought the topic was closed. Don’t you have stacks to organize? And a problem set to complete for me, so that we may continue our research?”
>“Our research? All you’ve done is sit here and read! This test is just to make sure that I even remotely understand some things which you’ve told me humans discovered over 150 years ago. Why do you even need me for your research? Why should I even help you, considering that you’ve been so callous towards my friends? And when are we actually going to get to serious experimentation?”
“To answer the first question, I was attempting to make an overture as part of your desire that I try to be friendlier with people, but I guess that has utterly failed.”
>“As have all your other ‘attempts,’ if we can even call them that.”
>Blank silence fills the room.
“As for the second, what if I told you that my inquiries into your friends’ elements has been to answer some of my own objections about friendship?”
>“What do you mean?”

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>>27272841

“It’s like you’ve said before. I’ve seen the supposed benefits of friendship, and determined them philosophically unsound. I think that all relationships ultimately are based on mutual exchange. I think that all relationships ultimately involve lying to the other person more than they involve being honest with each other. At least, those were in particular the objections I made to Applejack and Rarity’s elements. And yet, they were able to present counterarguments to my own. Decent counter-arguments,” you say, rubbing a hand against your cheek.
“I’ll come up with a counter myself, eventually, of course. There’s plenty of time for that, but, even so... things to consider in formulating a stronger position for myself.”
>“And what if you can’t?” Twilight asks.
“I can. There is no puzzle my mind cannot solve satisfactorily, given enough time. Now, as for the third -”
>You get up from your chair.
>If she really is going to be so insistent about this, you may as well humor her desire.
>You do have an experiment that you could perform right now, though you had hoped to delay it so that you could maybe find if the result had already been proven.
>However, you suppose that you could simply prove it yourself.
>Furthermore, you might be able to show Twilight just how unprepared she is for actual experimental work.
“You want real experimentation? Fine. We can begin right now.”
>You head towards the basement.
>“But I thought you had research -” Twilight says.
“Enough research. The best answers are found by experiment. So, we shall experiment. Now, come. I thought this was what you wanted?”
>Soon enough, chalk scrawls across a blackboard, an equation written behind it, an unwilling master teaching a new student.
“Classical physics lacks two key features of the universe,” you explain.

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>>27272847

“The first... shall be dealt with at a later occasion, but, the second is quantization. At the fundamental level, energy and other properties exist in distinct numerical steps, as opposed to a continuum, as predicted by classical theory.”
>You pause for a moment while Twilight takes notes.
“We will prove this property now,” you say, walking over to your hazard suit and fiddling with something for a moment.
“This would normally be the time where you would ask questions, I think.”
>You begin writing a few more necessary equations on the board.
>A quill faintly scratches on parchment.
“Nothing, then? Good.”
>“Uh, Anonymous? Could you maybe just -” Twilight begins, before you cut her off.
“Oh, good. I was afraid for a second that you had gone mute.”
>“But -”
“Today, we will be testing the photoelectric effect. This is the observation that metals produce electric current when struck with light rays. We will be testing to see if this effect occurs with magically-generated photons.”
>“And what will that prove?”
“That magic is quantizable. If magic can produce some quantizable field - which, essentially, is what a photon is - then, presumably, the generative field behind the photons is, in turn, quantizable.”
>You rub your chin.
“Of course, we may run into some problems with the magical energy effect, but I think these will be surmountable. It may change some of the thresholds, but we are testing to see if the threshold even exists, not where it is.”
>Twilight scribbles down a few more notes, then asks, “So, what is a photon? And could you perhaps -”
“A photon is a quantized unit of electromagnetism. It is, in some sense, a ‘particle’ of light, though that is not quite an accurate definition. The precise explanation is that it is the force carrier particle - a gauge boson - of the electromagnetic force, which light is an expression of. Now, observe.”
>You point to an equation on the chalkboard.

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>>27272858

“If we observe some light hitting an electrically charged plate, we should observe the following. First, there is a certain frequency below which no photoelectrons are produced. Second, there exists a stopping potential, that is to say, a negative voltage below which no photoelectrons are produced. And, third, there appears to be no time delay between the absorption of a photon, and the emission of an electron. Understood?”
>Twilight merely nods.
“Good. You seem to understanding this all better than I thought. These properties are reflected by the equations laid out here.”
>You point to a diagram on the board.
“Now, as for the apparatus - this is where I will begin to require your assistance. We require one metal plate on one side of an evacuated container and a separate metal plate with a small hole in it through which to shine light. Then, we connect the plates to a circuit containing a voltage source, an ammeter, and a variable resistor. By charging the solid plate with the source, we can use the light to knock off electrons - this is the photoelectric effect. The electrons will be attracted to the other plate because of the voltage difference, and we will then measure the intensity via the ammeter. Understood?”
>Again, Twilight merely nods, but, before you can get in another word, says, “Could you maybe slow down a bit? And I have a few more -”
“No. There’s no time for that. We have much experimentation to do and there is very little time to do it. We can deal with further explanations later.”
>Twilight sighs; you walk over to your workbench and set up the pair of former vacuum tubes you’ve fused to together to form your chamber.
>As per the experimental design, a grey metal plate sits in the middle of the chamber, which you have connected with some red and black wires to an exterior volt- and ammeter.
>Everything is prepared, except for the vacuum.

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>>27272863

“Presumably, you have some spell to rid this vessel of air, do you not?”
>“Yes. I could think of something for that....”
>Twilight’s horn glows purple around the cylinder.
“Do be careful, though. There’s no telling what kind of residual effects that there may be. Try to minimize the duration of the phenomenon. If you can’t guarantee that, then we may have to find a more... troublesome means of evacuating the chamber,” you say.
>“I’ve never seen the spell I’m casting have affect anything after I’ve finished casting it. I don’t think we have anything to worry about,” Twilight says.
“I’m just taking precautions.”
>Twilight ends the spell, saying, “There. The chamber should be evacuated now.”
“Good. Then we can begin testing. We’ll start at one volt and continue at the most precise increment we can manage until I max out the power source....”
>Data collection proceeds smoothly and efficiently for the experiment, as it should.
>You have learned through years of experimentation that careful data collection always leads to good experimental results, and a rough calculation off of the first few dozen data points clearly indicates the notable properties of the photoelectric effect, such as the presence of a cutoff at low voltages - no current produced by the knocked off electrons.
>Twilight yawns.
>“How many more points?” she asks.
“Not much more. Patience. You asked to do science with me, and this is what we must do.”
>Eventually, you reach the maximum of your power source.
“Now, the truly interesting part begins,” you state. “We shall analyze the data we have recorded and determine whether magical power can replicate the same effects as pure electricity. Unfortunately, considering that I lack modern computing power, we will have to do the analysis... by hand.”
>“And how long do you expect that to take?” Twilight says, again yawning.

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>>27272868

“Between the two of us, perhaps... three to five hours? That’s a rough estimate, of course.”
>Out of curiosity, you check your watch.
>It reads 6:34 PM.
>“It’s getting late,” Twilight says.
“And?”
>“So, maybe we should wait until morning?”
“And why should we do that? We’re here now. Any further delay will only lead to complications.”
>“Yes, that’s true. I’ve already re-scheduled some things I wanted to do today to tomorrow for the sake of this experiment. But, wouldn’t you prefer to work on this with a fresh mind? Continuing until late into the night does not sound like a way to do this well.”
>You frown, but relent.
“You’re right. We’ll finish this tomorrow. Perhaps I can find some way to automate the process somewhat in the meantime.”
>Walking over to your hazard suit, you pull a screwdriver from your pocket, shove the helmet on your head, and begin fiddling with the computer system.

>“Finished,” Twilight says.
“Finished?”
>From your comfortable leather armchair, you sit up.
>You had decided to take a break from your fiddling to do more research.
>If you could find a spell for automizing mathematical tasks, then perhaps Twilight could perform it to analyze the data.
>It would be better than taking apart your hazard suit, and even that you weren’t sure would work effectively.
>Twilight lifts her quill from the paper and telekinetically passes the page to you.
>You take the limp sheet of paper from her.
“I believed that one of the problems would stump you entirely, and that we would simply begin from there, but I guess I was wrong on that front.”
>You take a brief glance at the page, getting an overview of Twilight’s impeccably neat handwriting and checking the solutions to make sure they’re accurate.
>Then, you get to the final problem.
“How did you figure out the last problem?”
>“What?”
“You weren’t supposed to be able to solve the last problem. At least, not correctly.”

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>>27272873

>“Why would you give me a problem that I wouldn’t have been able to solve?”
“Your physics still rely on what is known to me as Galilean relativity. That is to say, there is no absolute frame of reference for a state of rest. This comes into problems when you include the fact that light moves at a constant speed, regardless of reference frame, and acts as a speed maximum for all objects in the universe. Your solutions would have been completely incorrect, but, you seem to have figured out this property so as to solve the final problem. How?” you ask.
>“That... doesn’t really answer my question. But to answer yours... I guessed. Based on the fact that there’s been no verifiable proof of the existence of luminous aether or anything else that could act as a preferred reference frame for light, and that the speed of light seems to be constant in all directions. Both those have been proved rather recently, and they both contradict with your ‘Galilean relativity,’ as you put it,” Twilight answers.
“That’s a very good guess,” you state. “I hadn’t found any evidence in your books that Equestrian scientists were even considering such ideas.”
>“Yes, well the research into the luminous aether is rather recent. It’s a development from resulting properties of -”
“The Maxwellian equations of electromagnetism. Or, I guess, their counterpart here. I know,” you say.
>“I mean, it is a theoretical solution that solves the problem you gave me. I have no empirical evidence to back it up,” Twilight says.
>Getting up from your chair to pace around the room, you say:
“I assure you that with some brief experimentation - not even to the extent that we had experimented with the photoelectric effect today - we could prove that the speed of light is constant in all reference frames. The rest follows from some brief thought experiments about what one would observe were one to move at the speed of light.”
>You turn back to Twilight.

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>>27272880

“Tell me. What would you observe?”
>“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Think about it. If not soon, then in the morning.”
>Returning to your chair, you flip open your book again, as Twilight begins to attempt to dig a rut into the ground of the library as she takes up the pacing.
>About an hour later, the hoofsteps stop.
>“If you were to travel at the speed of light, and the speed of light is constant in all reference frames,” Twilight says, “Wouldn’t it look like time has stopped?”
“Not just ‘look like.’ Time would stop. As you approach the speed of light, time slows down, and eventually stops.”
>You smile.
“This very fact was discovered by one of the greatest physicists of my homeworld, and, now, just as you have done.”
>“What are you trying to say?” Twilight asks.
>You lean back in your chair.
“Nothing in particular. Just that you have... exceeded my expectations.”

And that concludes this chapter.

The Pastebin for this story is located here:

http://pastebin.com/cpJvVAUH

Comments, criticism, and anything else are all greatly appreciated.

So much green to start my day. Thanks guys.

>>27272889
It's Coolguy

>>27272889
Nice story you've got going there, let me slap the ending on for you.

>Be anon in thatquestria
>Blah blah dry disconnected scientist archetype blah blah
>Princess friendship is with you doing some menial tasks
>You meet with the last one of her friends, maybe Pinkie Pie because she's a convenient way to move the plot along even outside the sneaky storyline bullshit we're pulling on the readers
>"Silly filly, you need to have FUN or you'll go bonkers and your performance will drop"
"I have no good counterargument, curse your softer but still valid sciences"
>You return to see tree horse in her bookbrary
>"Neigh, I am a horse"
"No you aren't, Spike, stop butting in"
>"Fine."
>Twilight is now here
>They do the big plot experiment
>Discover the carrier-particle for magic
>ZOOM AND ENHANCE
>It's magic,we can actually do that here.
>It's sorta toriodal?
>You and Twilight decide to shoot particles into it to see what happens
>It's rather fascinating how it sort of quivers as if in anticipation when you power on the machinery
>Half-way through the experiment you hear moaning from the next room over
>Princess Celestia is there with a glow on her horn and her pooper
>Her butthole is not on her but
>"GODDAMNIT CELESTIA, STOP PERVERTING MY EXPERIMENTS!"
"FOR FUCKS SAKE, HORSE WOMAN, THIS IS IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH!"
>In light of the body of evidence presented by Twilight's friends and lack of convincing counter arguments after a good while of attempting to come up with one, you do what you must
>You punt sunhorse out the window
>Also you acknowledge that friendship is probably a good idea
>You still think there needs to be more experiments, fucking social scientists
>Twilight does make a pretty good lab partner.

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>>27272889
Whoa, was that a...compliment?

This is a good day to be in AiE. We get tons of green, and we dodge some serious bullets.

>>27274882
Wot

>>27274884
Slave Pone talked about moving over here. They decided that we were too unfriendly so they're moving to the Technology thread instead.

>>27274893
Some of their stories are okay. They're a bit repetitive though.

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>>27273732
>Pic related.

>>27273985
Uh, okay then. Thanks, I guess.

>>27274518
Indeed it was, fair Anon.

>>27275070
Have a chill day.

>Cuddle Therapy

A soft bell sounds, and you check your watch.

"And that's time. Upsy-daisy."

The mulberry-colored pony reclining in your lap makes a pouty face and a brief whine of complaint as you stop stroking her tummy, but dutifully rises and hops onto the floor, where she indulges herself in a luxuriant stretch.

"Mmmmh, best thirty bits I ever spent," she says, giving you a contented smile.

You rise and rub your legs to restore circulation. "Well, I appreciate that. Be sure and tell your friends, okay?" You automatically plug for referrals as you go and open the door for her.

"Oh trust me, I will!" She gives you a wink and heads out the door.

That was your last cuddle therapy appointment for the day, so you reach up and change your sign to "CLOSED", before closing your door.

With a sigh you sniff at your shirt, noting that it smells far more of pony than of you. A bath and a nice drink would be just the ticket at the end of a work day.

As you go to run your bath, a knock at the door stops you. With a frown you call, "Business hours are over, come back tomorrow to make an appointment, please."

Some ponies don't read the sign, apparently, because whoever is at the door knocks again, a little more insistently.

With a sigh, you turn and trudge back to the door. Opening it reveals an all-too-familiar poofy pink mane, partly concealed behind a festive bouquet of balloons.

"Surprise!" she yells happily.

"Not really," you reply. "What is it this time, Pinkie, I'm kinda tired."

The balloons move forward and are released inside your office, making room through the door for Pinkie Pie to let herself in and close the door behind her.

"I know you are, Nonny, and that's what I wanted to see you about."

With a sigh, you intone, "Come in, close the door behind you. Oh wait, you already have."

Pinkie Pie either misses the sarcasm or chooses to ignore it. "How's the cuddle business going?"

>>27275636

Deciding you can follow through on part of your plan anyhow, you wander into the kitchen and pull open your liquor cabinet. "Busy. Very busy, in fact. Hence the whole tired thing I mentioned earlier."

You begin to mix yourself a double, because Pinkie Pie.

"Hmm, I suspected that might be the case," the energetic party planner muses, nodding thoughtfully. "You do look kinda drawn out."

"Mm-hmm," you nod, stirring your drink, "Plus, I mentioned to you that I'm tired, twice. Three times now, in point-of-fact."

Pinkie Pie isn't taking the hint, and as you take a pull at your glass, she nods with determination and hops up onto your cuddle couch.

"Welp, come over here then."

The nerve of this pony. "Pinkie, I am all cuddled out for the day, and as you may or may not have noticed, I have changed my business sign to "closed" to reflect the fact that I am not taking in any new clients today." You punctuate this by downing your drink in one go, relishing the burn in your throat as the cool liquid slides down.

"I'm not here to get cuddles, I'm here to give cuddles. Now come here." She pats the couch next to her.

It's going to be one of those things. You pour yourself another drink. "Pinkie, please go. I'm tired and I want a bath."

"Don't you want cuddles?"

"I am a professional cuddle therapist, for want of a better job title here in this silly technicolor world, so why would I want cuddles? Talk about a busman's holiday..." You walk back into your office, preparing yourself mentally to evict the pink pony by physical force, if necessary.

"And you do such a good job of it, taking care of Ponyville's lonely mares like that. But who takes care of you? You're always on your own."

You heave another sigh. "I take care of me. And I'm used to being on my own. I have been most of my life."

>>27275648

"Well," Pinkie says, turning her million-watt smile on you, "don't you think you deserve cuddles too?" She bats her eyelashes at you and pats the cushion next to her again.

You open your mouth to deliver a retort, but it dies unspoken. This was not how you expected to wind up this day.

"This isn't just a social call, Anon. Well, it is, but that's the point. All I ever see you do is work, work, work. You never come to my parties, you never visit your friends... Why, the only time I ever even see you outside of your house is when you're at the market getting groceries. What do you do with your time?"

"Relax, mostly." You wonder where this line of questioning is going, particularly since the alcohol you just consumed is starting to work on you.

"All by yourself? Is that even possible?" A giggle spontaneously erupts from her, causing you to frown slightly. Pinkie notices this and cuts herself off. "Look, Anonymous, apart from professional contact, you cut yourself off from everypony, and believe me, that's just not good for you. Now come over here," she repeats, patting the cushion once more. After a pause, she adds, "Please?"

If only to get some peace and quiet at some point, you acquiesce. "Alright." You set your drink down, then seat yourself on the couch, at a professional distance. "Come over here and lie down, then."

To your surprise, Pinkie shakes her head, her curly mane bouncing to and fro. "Uh-uh. You come over here and lie down." She holds out her forelegs invitingly, fixing her big blue eyes on you.

"What?" You actually struggle to grasp the concept.

"This time you're not giving, Nonny. You're receiving." As you hesitate, she reaches out and takes hold of your shoulder, gently guiding you to lie down until your head makes contact with her soft coat. Pinkie Pie follows up by wrapping one foreleg gently around your neck, and stroking your hair.

"There now, you see?" Pinkie says soothingly, "Doesn't that feel better?"

>>27275657

"Not exactly," you reply. Time for a professional critique. "Your technique is all wrong. Don't put your leg around someone's neck, it makes them feel threatened because you might cut off their breathing."

"Oh," Pinkie moves her foreleg down to your shoulders, and adjusts her position to compensate. "Better?"

"Slightly. Also, you'll find that most people don't like having their head patted. It's belittling, which is why I stick to the torso."

"Oh, uhm, got it." Pinkie changes position once more, and, slightly clumsily, rubs your chest.

You sigh in mock exasperation. "If you tried that with female clients, you might get punched. Well, female humans, anyhow."

"Huh?" Pinkie seems confused now. "Why?"

"On human females, that's where their teats are," you state matter-of-factly.

Pinkie blushes. "Oh! Ah, er, I didn't mean to.." She actually seems flustered. It's kinda cute.

"But you're also missing out on the key secret of a good cuddle." What the hell, you've come this far, may as well make a lesson out of it.

"Ummm, so what's the secret of a good cuddle?" Pinkie pries into your professional secrets, trying not to sound like she's prying into your professional secrets.

"Well, you need to hold the client so that they can hear your heartbeat."

"Oh, ah, ermm... could you sit up a bit? You're kinda heavy." She still sounds flustered, so you let her off the hook and oblige her, lifting your weight off her while she adjusts her position. "Okay."

You lay your head back down, and your ear clearly picks up the sound of Pinkie Pie's heart, which is beating a bit fast.

"Now, you need to relax as well. It doesn't help the client relax if you're all keyed up."

"Wow, there's so much more to this cuddle thing than I thought," Pinkie Pie admits. She closes her eyes and takes three deep breaths, and her heartbeat does indeed, slow a bit.

You're kind of impressed, you weren't sure if Pinkie Pie would be capable of slowing down.

>>27275669

From her new position she can't really reach your belly, so she settles for slowly rubbing your shoulders instead. It actually feels good. "How's this?" she asks with a bit of trepidation.

"Much better. But remember, it isn't just about how you cuddle. You have to be able to make a connection with your client-"

"But you're not my client, Nonny," she interrupts, giving you a hug, "you're my friend."

"Ah. So you're not going to charge me for this?"

The convulsions of her abdomen occasioned by her sudden laughter bounce your head around, such that you find yourself laughing too. This seems to set up a feedback loop, causing Pinkie to laugh harder, and you to laugh harder, until you finally break the cycle by sitting up.

Pinkie Pie gets herself under control, wiping away a tear from her laughing fit. "Of course not, silly. I'm giving you cuddles because, well, to be honest, you need a good cuddling."

With that, she scoots over to you and wraps her forelegs around you again, holding your ear to her chest as she rests her chin atop your head.

The side-by-side cuddling position seems to be less awkward for her, given your respective anatomical differences, so you allow her to continue.

Plus, it does feel good to be on the receiving end of cuddles, for a change.

There is a strange vibration in your skull, and you realize that Pinkie Pie is quietly humming, a soothing tune of her own invention. To your surprise, you find your arms instinctively encircling the pink pony.

After a bit, Pinkie stops humming and moves her head to look at your face. "Feel better now, Anon?"

You think about it.

"You know what, I do, actually. Not bad for a first-timer."

Pinkie giggles at this. "Well, first time cuddling you, anyhow. I've cuddled griffons, bunnies, kitties, Gummy, Rainbow Dash..." She hugs you again. "Everypony needs a good cuddle. It's no different for you, I think."

>>27275686

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I have been little wound up." But you still smell like pony, although now there are scents of frosting and cotton candy mixed in as well, because Pinkie Pie.

You gently disengage yourself and stand up, stretching. "Thanks Pinkie, I needed that. If you'll excuse me now, I also need a bath."

"Want me to scrub your back for ya?" Pinkie asks, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

You respond with a light chuckle. "Boundaries, Pinkie. You need to respect your client's boundaries."

With a suddenness that startles you, Pinkie appears directly in front of you, all blue eyes and pink curls, her muzzle a mere fraction of an inch from your face.

"I told you, Nonny, you're not my client, you're my friend." And with that, she kisses you on the nose.

A quick, chaste peck, to be sure, but to your surprise you feel a flush rising under your collar.

"Ah, okay, P-Pinkie Pie," you stammer, "I believe you. But I really don't think we're at the bathing together stage of friendship, you know?"

She drops back onto all fours. "I know," she says, smiling a little wistfully.

"Ahem." You regain your composure and usher her to the door.

Pinkie Pie suddenly brightens. "Hey, you wanna come to a party tomorrow? After work?" Seeing your frown, she hastily adds, "Nothing big, just a friendly get-together and chill with friends."

Deep breath. Sigh. "Alright Pinkie, you convinced me. See you tomorrow, after work." You open the door for her and let her out, closing the door behind her.

On your stoop, Pinkie looks sadly at the door.

"It's a start. You may be alone now, Nonny, but one day I will convince you that you deserve to be loved, too."

With a new determination, Pinkie Pie hops towards Sugarcube Corner, her normal cheerful demeanor quickly reasserting itself.

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>>27275693

Pastry Bean: http://pastebin.com/Jg7S3YE5

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>>27275709
>ywn cuddle with Ponka
Should I just apply kill to self?

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>>27275693
Keep at it Ponka

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>tffw
Happy anniversary, fags.

>>27277018
Y-you too

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>>27275709

>>27275709
I don't have any reaction faces but nice job.

>>27278720
git some

>>27277018

Four years. Jibbers Crabst.

Have some old-ass green...

http://pastebin.com/CWHKBWgb

>>27279473
Love those stooges.

>>27280352
>Storytime with Anon

>>27280352
not even devil pone can resist the hmd

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>>27280443

crossposting
>Be Anon in Equestria
>It's horse christmas
>You're all together in the lounge room with the rest of the town
>The tree is all lit up with glowglobes and lightning-tinsel
>A star is perched on the top with a dong ring still glued on to it from when the childponies tried being creative
>But that's now what matters during the festive season
>What matters is the PRESENTS
>There are lots of them under the tree of all shapes and sized and colours
>Everyone bumrushes the tree
>You grab yours while wading through the tide of eager smallhorses
>Ooh this one's a big one
>You lug your treasure off to a corner of the room to open
>The first gift you open is from Princess Celestia, and is a pair of socks
>Then you discover Luna sent you a pair of socks
>Each package you open turns out to be socks, until only one large box remains
>Inside the large box is a derp-eyed black-furred pegasus
>"Hi Anon! Thanks for getting me out of there."
>She tries to fly off but you aren't having any of that
"Stay."
>You look back into the box and see that there is one of those fancy magic anvils, the ones that are only heavy when you flip a switch
>"Do you like it? I know you wanted to try that blacksmithing stuff."
>You hug your new pet pony, some of the soot rubbing off her and onto you
"Good pony."

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>>27280590
All of my aww.

>>27277018
GG.

crosspost
>Be Anon
>Your husband Twilight's dad and you are at the park.
>The wives are off being wives elsewhere, you kind of just leave them to it most of the time.
>You're far too busy with more important stuff
>Such as teaching the stallions how to be men instead of little faggots.
>There's one now.
>You and Twilight's stealthily stalk your prey, using hand/hoof signals for silence
>Once the target is close enough, you throw the net and Twilight's shoots magic blasts at them
>Once he's subdued, you apply a generous amount of tape to the small grey pony and drag him back to the house
>Twilight's covers your escape with some illusion magic.

>Be Rumble in a basement
>You've been foalnapped by somepony
>You didn't see who it was, but now you've got a chain around your leg and a shock collar around your neck
>You'd cry but the last time you did that they shocked you until you stopped
"Please, I'll be a man, just let me go."
>"A MAN DOESN'T BEG"
"ARRRGHBLBLRLBLRBL"

>Dear Princess Celestia,
>That thing happened again and I need your help to fix it. On the bright side, there is much less mess this time. Although, we're going to need another Twilight. I've already contacted Chrysalis.


>Sincerely,
>Anonymous.

>p.s. Can you get Luna to stop making the moon full when ever she gets annoyed with me? That would solve so many problems right now.

>>27267911
>#1094
Are you guys genuinely counting?

>>27282754
Yes.

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>>27282754
Who said we chould count

>>27282986

One, Two, swan, goober, 42, faggot, octopus, churro, eleventy, i, spam, gorilla cookies...

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>>27269027

>>27282754
See http://pastebin.com/Qg2dwzq0

>>27281561
Am I missing something?

Making a necessary bump

>>27283110
you forgot potato

>>27284148
yes

>tfw no F-F-Friday Niiight

>>27287410
Fine. What're ya playin', what're ya watchin', what're ya listnin' to?

>>27287725
Old Eastwood movies.

>>27267911

>>27267911

>>27287725
That's not right.

>>27287410
Throw out some FNF ideas and let's see what happens. However, since I am not the one they call gatorbait I promise NOTHING.

Should /prison/ join this thread?, because I think the mods just decided we were banned

>>27288821
Find out why first if you can, no sense getting two threads banned.

>>27284148
Anon did something that has happened before.
Twilight was killed and needs another changeling replacement.
Looks like we'll need another Timmy/Twilight is a reference from The Dinosaurs.

>>27288662
>Throw out some FNF ideas and let's see what happens.
Ponies keep 'losing their keys'

>>27288821
Just fucken write
It's probably just a single mod/janitor fucking up.
Crosspost if it fits into the thread.

>Be Anon in pony prison
>They finally figured out why they've been "losing their keys"
>It's because you've been stealing them
>So they put you here
>Right now you're waiting for the guard to come by and unlock your cell
>Then you'll get his keys too

>>27288662
Mane-iac stuff

>>27288662
I miss Gatorbait. Anyone know how he's doing these days? Is he eating enough? Did he get the sweater I sent him?

>>27290075
He tried to eat the sweater.

>>27290095
Well, I did make it out of hotdogs.

>>27290149
Nobody sends me hotdog sweaters
Feelsbadmann

>>27290474
Meat clothing in general is a pretty silly concept.

>>27290495
>Anon convinces Rarararara to put out a line of meat-based apparel
>He just wanted a leather jacket
>Now he is getting invited to see ponies exhibit things like hotdog sweaters

>>27290075
>>27290095
>>27290149
>Gatorbait choked to death on a frizzy hotdog sweater
Why do the decent die so poorly?

>>27290534
He's not dead, he's only resting.

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>>27290544
Winter is over, the reptiles are once again claiming their place in the natural order; save for the gator.
Where has he gone? What dark terror took the peak predator from this world?
Perhaps it was the most deadly hunter of all, who all creatures fear instinctively.
The Terror of Time...
/Nature Docu

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I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE YOU FUCKING FAGGOT.
GET IN HERE AND DEFEND YOUR WAIFU.

>>27292548
No.
Spitfire did nothing wrong. Again.
>>27290149
It was delicious.

So, how fucking weird would it be to actually appear in Equestria? There's the obvious transition time where you'd have to adapt to barn-yard animals being this new world's version of human life (and magic being real, and physics not applying to pegasi, etc), but what about when it came hurr to sex? Realistically, how long would it take for the average human to adjust to a prehensile horse vagina and a Krispy Kreme in place of an anus? More importantly, how long would one have to be around intelligent horse life until one could get over the pseudo-bestiality thing? The most autistic stories have Anon being a-okay with fucking a horse after about five minutes into Equestria, while others have him uncomfortable with intimate matters even if he knows full-well that ponies aren't dumb animals.

Cuz I'd love to read something about how Anon has to deal with all this.

>>27293074
If it can hold a conversation with me, it's not bestiality.
It'd be a pretty big shock to discover something other than a human that could do that, so it's reasonable to have sex not happen immediately, even if the human thrust into equestria fapped to pictures of aliens and had casual sex frequently.
But it's not implausible for a human to be willing to fuck a talking pony soonish, just unlikely for most.
It'd be quite reasonable to assume it's all a dream or hallucination and as a result just go with the flow.
Also on that note, attempting to get medical attention would be a sensible response to finding yourself seemingly in Equestria as it might mean you have some form of brain injury.
It wouldn't do to stumble around your town fucking imaginary ponies that only you can see.

>Krispy Kreme anus
>Marshmallow ponies
>Ponies literally have doughnuts for anuses
>Pony biology is completely different from what we know of
>Largely magic based with no circulatory or nervous system
>Pony doctors have no idea what to do with Anon
>Humans are treated like some form of Lovecraftian horror due to this
>"Dear Celestia, what are these wobbly red bits? Is there some sort of fluid in this weird tube thing?"
>Pony doctor loses it and flees, vomiting as they run

>>27293396
>Pony doctor vomits
>It's cake frosting

>>27293396
>"You remember our venerable hospital, opulent and imperial"

>>27293469
>its cake frosting
>pinky comes by and scoops it into a bag while glareing at the doc and slowly walks away.

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http://pastebin.com/rWe3N42E

new story in working on progressing

>>27293634
Oh, god. What kind of fresh hell have we stumbled onto?
>Cakes and treats are all made from different body parts/fluid excretions
>Frosting: vomit
>Cakes: pone thigh
>Doughnuts: ponuts (they grow back)

This makes Pinkie Pie Jesus. We are eating her body.

Everyone be sure to wish Tex a happy birthday today. We should send him a meat suit.

>>27294551
I didn't get him anything

>>27295141
Get him socks next time. Or a tie.

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>>27295141
I fapped to some of his lewds, I figure that's good enough.

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>>27296640
Can you share with the class we all need porn

>>27294551
happy birthday faggot

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>>27294551
Where do I send them?

>>27298126
Wait wait wait

you're NOT gonna use comic sans?

>>27298245
Fuck

>>27294551
Happy bday

requests?

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>>27299440
Something with the ponice

>>27299440
Something with applebloom?

>>27299440
ponies wanting to boop us and rub our bellies

>>27299451
>Just another day in Ponyville featuring you, Anonymous, resident alien and local human.
>Today's task is to get something sweet to eat.
>Luckily, Cup Cake has been on a peanut brittle binge lately and has more than she knows what to do with
>The unfortunate side of this is because ponies don't understand supply-and-demand, she's still charging an arm and a leg
>Or a leg and a leg if you're a pony...
>A leg and a tail?
>Whatever
>Point being, peanut brittle is too expensive.
>But they don't call you Fast Fingers for nothing.
>Okay, maybe it's because you're the only guy in town with fin-
>Right, peanut brittle
>Strutting into Sugar Cube Corner, you move over to the counter
>There, on display, is the object of your affection
>The scent of fresh baked peanuts tickles at your nostrils while the glaze catches the light just right...
>You've got to have it
>Waiting until the Cakes are thoroughly distracted, you strike
>Reaching down, you lift up the cover and snag yourself an entire handful of peanut brittle
>This happens twice more, until you can feel the jagged edges jabbing your leg
>Ponies are staring by this point, but it's really a case of what-the-fuck-ever
>Content with your haul, you strut out and make your getaway
>Digging into your pocket, you pull out a chunk of brittle and crunch into it
>Nice.
>Or, it would be, but-
>"STOP RIGHT THERE, THIEF!"
>"YOU SCUMBAG!"
>Your eyes light up as you turn.
"Ah, I know those voices."
>Grinning, you meet the eyes of Ponyville's resident terrorist taskforce twosome
"Pack, Bottsy, it's been ages."
>"Not long enough, Anonymous."
>Officer Fudge Packer glares at you, while Officer Power Bottom is quick to chime in as well.
>"I see you're still up to your usual tricks. Theft is a serious crime here in Equestria."
"Theft?"
>You adopt a gentle frown
"Bottsy, you wound me. When have I ever stolen anything from anyone."
>The junior officer takes a step forward, continuing his accusation

>>27299621
>"What's that in your hand? Peanut brittle, I presume?"
"What, this?"
>You turn the candied nut around a few times and then shrug
"I honestly have no idea."
>And then, just as quickly, you pop it into your mouth
>The ponice officers gasp as you smack your lips
>Officer Packer recovers first
>"That, that was EVIDENCE!"
"Delicious evidence."
>Smacking your lips a few times, you lick your fingers clean in a most unhygienic manner
"But evidence of what?"
>"Theft!"
>Ah Bottsy, always on point
>Still, you smile at him
"Theft of what?"
>And just like that, you see the two officers eyes glaze over, their vision thicker than the delicious candy in your pocket
>They stumble and stutter over their words, trying to remember what it is exactly that you stole
>This is a real benefit to living in Ponyland; they operate on the principal of 'out of sight, out of mind'
>Except, y'know, it's more like if they don't see something, they're incredibly quick to forget
>At last, Pack gives a snarl
>"Well it doesn't matter, because we know you took something! You always take something."
>Sighing, you lift up your hands and proceed to shake out your wrists
"Honestly, you guys can't keep hassling me about these kinds of things. I'm a genuine, law-abiding resident of Equestria."
>"Not yet you aren't."
>You give Bottsy a smile
"Right, not until my paperwork clears next Tuesday. But if you two can't find a reason I shouldn't be a citizen by then, well, I guess that's that."
>They fume and fuss a while longer before finally scowling in defeat
>You grin and reach into your pocket
"Atta boys. Peanut brittle?"
>Their eyes light up and they happily take the offered sweet
>You give the pair some ear rubs and go on your way
>Ponies are really aren't that bright...

>>27299630
cute

>>27299451
Gravity Kills
I had a pun too but I forgot it

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>>27299518
"Unhand me you aging sow!"
>You slap Celestia's offending hoof away.
>"Oh dear, it looks like widdle Anon is feeling grumpy wumpy again. Does somepony need a hug?"
"For fucks sake woman, you're old enough to have babysat Jesus H. Christ himself."
>"Oh you poor baby, come to Mama Celestia and I'll make you feel better."
>Not like you have a say in the matter as you're lifted up by her telekinesis and she watches you fruitlessly press your heels against the linoleum.
>Budget cuts had to be made somewhere when they built this castle apparently.
"I swear on my life, you will pay for this. In blood. Yours or your people's. The choice is yours."
>"Hmm..."
>For a moment she appears to be seriously considering her actions.
>That is of course until-
>"Then I choose, BELLY RUBS!"
>In a flash you're on your back and shirtless as she steps over you and begins rubbing her dirty horseshoes across your body in a very unpleasant manner.
"RAPE! RAPE!" A pair of guards make their rounds down the hallway you're in.
"Don't just stand there you fuckboys, help me!"
>The pair look at you once and then each other before turning their heads away in shame as they both know there is no help for you now.
"Motherfuckers..."
>You look back at Celestia when she stops her onslaught.
"Now what are you plotting you fat flanked harlot?"
>She licks her lips in a way you assume she believes to be seductive before she presses her lips against your abdomen.
"Don't do thi-"
>It's too late, as she takes a deep breath and begins blowing raspberries on your stomach.
>"Who's a silly human? You are. Yes you are."
>There is no end to your hate for this place.

That oughta do fer now. Still working on my other story but for now it's just me and my good friend JAck. Maybe one more request before I call it a night.

>>27299904
i liked this more than i should have

>>27299518
Jeebus fuck, this is a blue board bru

>>27299904
>Uses the word harlot against the matriarchy
We are kinsmen, you and I.

>>27299904
Yea. "Good friend". Sure.

Alright, anyone still here in the dead of night? I've got 2k worth of green to post, but I'll wait till' morning if everyone's asleep.

I haven't posted any straight up AiE before, but I've done some /prison/ green, so tell me if it's absolute shit.

>>27301522
Little teaser, I guess.

>You be Anon, a former line-infantry man of the Imperial Russian Army.
>You were fighting glorious battle, defending the motherland against Napoleon.
>Your unit utilized revolutionary fire-by-rank tactics, demolishing enemy militia.
>Yet your country was still losing, due to his damned artillery and numbers.
>Sitting relatively safely in the third line your unit, you had just fired your 18 calibre smoothbore at routing militia.
>Suddenly, your officer was shot through the throat, along with dozens of men on your right flank being shot dead or wounded.
>You turned your head, slightly panicked, and saw horse-mounted musketmen auxiliary charging down on you, having just fired their weapons.
>You pulled ready your ring bayonet, checking to make sure it was as sharp as always.
>Of course it was.
>Several charging auxiliary had crashing into your ranks, swiping with their swords.
>With a rallying war cry, your brothers ran at them.
>Engaged in melee, most of your brethren didn’t notice the enemy 12-pounders turn their aim to them.
>Shells explode around and inside the unit, exploding on contact. They were using percussion shells.
>Fifty or so men die on the first barrage.
>Routing almost immediately, you and most others ran as fast as you could into the nearby forest.
>Straight into a unit of elite guard.
>You spun around quickly, trying to run the other way, but a lead ball ripped through your stomach.
>Another goes through your lungs.
>You fell to the ground, trying to crawl away.
>Cries of young men, not possibly more than twenty, calling for their mothers and choking on blood fills your ears as blackness slowly encompasses you.

>>27301522
Always here.

>>27293074
>implying all of that wasn't autistic just now

>>27301522
can do

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>>27299630
das cute

>Dear Princess Celestia,
>It has come to my attention that I have been horribly lied to. Pony butts are as flat as particle board.
>I wanna go home.

>Ever disgusted,
>Anonymous

>>27303098
>My dear friend Anonymous,
>The particle board available in Canterlot is available as curved as you like.
>A quick spell can make it as firm or soft as is needed, too.
>I extend an invitation to come visit me so that I can give you a "hands-on" demonstration
>If you don't like it down there in Ponyville you are welcome to stay in my Castle.

>With love,
>Princess Celestia

>>27269027
Get the fuck back in bed, Joel. Who the fuck said you could stay up late?

crossposting
>Be Anon in Equestria.
>You have learned something new today.
>It turns out ponies can only open doors from the outside.
>They just don't seem to understand how to open a door from inside, and keep getting trapped in your house.
>Rarity woke you up with her cries of distress from being "trapped"
>You are not sure exactly what she was doing in your house so early in the morning

>Rainbow dash buzzes around the room banging at the windows
>Twilight just teleports out
>Fluttershy gives up and sits down quietly in the corner
>Applejack bangs on the door
>Lyra rubs her horn on Anon's stuff while she waits for him to let her out
>Pinkie Pie sets up for a "Hooray I'm Free!" party while she waits to be let out
>Celestia climbs out the window

>>27301532
This reads more like a list of events instead of a story.

>>27294153
You have my interest.

>>27303635
>>27301532
Starting part is supposed to be.
Once again, don't expect amazing quality.


>A thick forest is where you find yourself now.
>Slowly rising, you look around.
>This was not the snowy hills of Russia, but instead was an almost tropical forest.
‘....How…’ you think.
>Groping around on your chest, you can feel where the balls ripped through the green uniform.
>Yet no wound was there.
>Not even a scar.
‘“How in the great fucking hell…” you murmur, almost so confused to the point where you’d be considered angry.
>You are a trained, professional soldier. This is not how you should act.
‘Calm yourself. Remember training.’
>Taking a grip, you pat yourself down.
>Everything is where is should be.
>Sabre on your left, a couple ammo packets on your front and shoulder and a small box of cleaning tools for your smoothbore on the right.
>Speaking of the gun, where was it? You remember dropping it after falling.
>Quickly looking around, you spot it caught in a tree branch a meter up.
>Carefully pulling it down, you settle the meter-and-a-half long rifle on your shoulder in the marching position- stock down, barrel up.
>Having not personally fought in, or even been in, such dense climates you decide it’s a better idea to grab a nearby vine and fashion it as a sling.
>It only takes a minute or two, and after securing the knot to be tight you sling it over your back.
>No problem for an almost two-meter tall man such as you.
>Look up through the trees, you can see the sun setting. Judging from that, you head east.

>>27303701
>Using your sabre to hack down especially thick vines in your way, you make a decent pace through the forest.
>It’s been an incredibly boring and tiring hour, but you can endure.
‘I’m no longer a fresh recruit out of training’ you remind yourself.
‘I’ve marched through much worse than this, even with the commander at my back.’
>With a slightly renewed pace, you continue.
>Your uniform has gotten caught on a few thorns and branches along the way, but no damage has been caused that you can’t fix with just a couple minutes and a sewing needle.
>The sun is starting to go down; a worrying sign, but the forest is obviously getting thinner as you go.
>Worst scenario, you camp for a night and continue in the morning.
>Although this time you won’t have an army with you.
>With a small sigh, you continue trekking on.
>A few minutes pass before you hear an ominous sound; wolves howling.
>They sound at least a couple miles off.
>Unworried, you slice through a vine as thick as your arm.
>Another set of howls go out, much closer.
‘This is… not good, to say the least.’
>Quickly unstrapping your rifle, you shoulder it and aim in the direction the howls came from.
>Making sure to check your peripherals, you spot a small open space nearby.
>Glancing behind you, just in case, you sprint to it. It would be much easier fighting these things in an open area.
>Just before you make it, you hear a loud crunch of leaves only a meter behind you.
>Acting on reflex and training, you drop the rifle and pull out your sabre in a matter of milliseconds.
>Spinning around, you see at least five grey wolves slowly moving up in a wing formation.
>They seem absolutely starved, with clear ribs showing through their skin.
>Why they’re in this type of climate, you don’t know.
>It’s fucking tropical here.

>>27303705

>Positioning your sabre in front of you in a parrying stance, you hunch down a little, lowering your centre of mass.
>Making the universal gesture of ‘come at me’, you brace yourself.
>Almost seeming infuriated, three of them jump straight at you at once.
>With a quick one-two, you swing the sword in a quick horizontal slash, cutting into the leader-dogs throat before doing a duck-and-roll underneath the other leaping two.
>You spin around quickly. One of the dogs that lept at you landed funny, twisting its forearm the completely wrong direction.
>Realizing two wolves are already taken out, you rush toward the one that just finished its jump.
>Swing down the sabre hard, it sticks into the brain-stem, killing it instantly.
>Turning around once more, the last two seem to realize that you’re not worth it.
>Slowly backing into the underbrush, they run away.
>You take a shuddering deep breath before almost falling to your knees, adrenaline wearing off.
>Burying your head in your hands, the weight of the entire scenario comes crashing down.
>You are in the middle of an unknown, tropical forest, not possibly anywhere near Russia.
>If you had a guess, you’d say in Africa, even.
“Oh, god… Why.”
>You remember DYING. The pain of being shot twice, and falling to the ground.
>No mortal survives that.
‘It.. the, uh, GOD must have wanted me to live! It must be!’
>Stuttering in your own thoughts and grasping at straws, you try to rationalize the scenario.
‘Yes, yes! Alright! God has allowed me to live, but has sent me to Africa to equalize the debt!’
>Smiling weakly and standing up again, you grab your rifle and think about what you should do next.

>>27303713
>It’s already late afternoon, so camping would be a good decision at this point.
>You haven’t seen any caves throughout your entire walk, or even a rock outcropping.
>The opening where you’re standing now is stained with wolf blood.
>Speaking of wolves, what happened to the one with a broken arm?
>Looking around, you can see where it fell, but not the wolf itself.
>Shrugging, you file it off as unimportant.
‘Hmm.. where would a good place to rest be?’
>Picking a random direction, you set off.
>It doesn’t take long for you to find a small, grassy field.
>Taking a few minutes to gather dead branches, you start small fire with a bit of a powder packet.
>Leaning back, you take off your tricorne and think about what to do in the future.
>Obviously, you need to find people, even if it’s just tribals.
>The trees around you are too tall and branchless to climb, and no doubt the treetop foliage would obscure your view anyways.
>You could always just fire off your gun, and hope at least a single person would hear and investigate.
>That would also attract nearby animals, and the chance for someone to hear would be astronomical anyways.
‘Hmm…’ you rub your chin in thought.
>How about just continuing on West? Even if it takes months, you’d eventually reach a shoreline you could follow.
>It would be hell, but you can’t live in here forever.
>With a small sigh, you put out the fire and lay down on the grass.
>You’ve always been an extremely light sleeper, so if something starts trying to approach you you’ll wake up.
>Burying your head in your arms, you try not to let the sense of overwhelming helplessness take over.
>Soon enough, the exhaustion of today's activities send you spiraling to sleep.

>>27303720
‘Wha..?’
>Your eyes shoot open.
>Something woke you up.
>You can hear whatever it is slowly approaching.
>If it’s people, there must be more than one. There’s multiple footsteps.
>A distinct clanking of light armor can be heard.
>As far as you know, African tribals didn’t wear metal.
>Neither did animals.
>Making sure you’re still breathing slowly and acting asleep, you move the arm that’s not in whoever’s view down to your sabre’s hilt.
>A voice speaks, but it’s not in any language you’ve heard before.
>After a pause, a different one whispers back.
>And after a third pause, a third voice.
>A more feminine voice then speaks.
‘Fuck. There’s at least four. I doubt the woman will be a problem, though.’ you think, slightly panicked.
>They could be middle-eastern, but there’s no jungles in the desert.
>Perhaps a weird type of Asian?
>Or.. Or they’re escaped slaves who’ve made their own language.
>Doesn’t matter.
>All that does is the fact that you’re being approached by four armored and potentially armed individuals.
>Tensing up, you prepare yourself for what you’re about to do.
>The footsteps are only a few meters away now.
>Springing up, you yell off-
‘Halt! Whoever moves, dies!’
>You pull you sabre into a combat-ready position.
>That position falters slightly when you see what was sneaking up on you.
>Four tiny, white horses wearing copper armor painted gold, with long, blunt wooden poles stuck to their back.
>Rather humorous, actually.
>Letting your sabre fall down to your side, you observe the equines.
>The quick look you had earlier didn’t do justice, as these aren’t horses.
>Their eyes are almost as large as their face, giving them a supernatural feel.
>These… creatures stood as tall as your kneecap, as well.
>And on their tiny muzzles and human-like faces, they looked absolutely terrified.

>>27303726
I like it so far

>>27303972
Alright, thanks.

>>27294153
This is nice, I have a soft spot for wizardry in equestria

>>27304404
Wizanons are fun

I got more butt stuff for you guys

>"Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub."
>You watched as the flank in front of you swayed side-to-side, rhythmically, hypnotically
>"Wuba wuba dub."
>Each cheek was about the size of your head
>There was a bit more chub on this flank than some of the other mares, but there was still more than enough muscle in it to give the butt that was being wiggled in front of you shape
>Amazing, amazing shape
>The flesh rippled and jiggled with each pop of the hips, the red j-string that was mare was wearing doing nothing to cover her flank up in any way
>"Wub, wub, wub."
>Ponville's one and only DJ, a DJ who knew EXACTLY what she was doing with all of that flank waving, looked back at you
>"You fellas alright back there?" she asked, her blood red eyes filled with mischief. "You haven't said too much since you came over here."
>...
>Why was it always the white mares?
>First Redheart and Rarity now Vinyl
>Were all ponies with white coats just genetically dispositioned to have big, beautiful butts or was it just like that in Ponyville?
>Vinyl bucked her hips
>Her rump lifted up into the air a bit before her cheeks slammed together, causing a satisfying clapping sound
>Anon put a hand over his heart
>"You know, Tavia's been getting on me about eating so much junk food," Vinyl said, moving her butt in a circular motion. "She keeps telling me that no stallion is going to want a mare with a big ol' flank like this."
>Mr. Cake awkwardly coughed as Vinyl's tail "accidentally" flicked out of the way, revealing that her panties covered NOTHING
>Nothing at all
>A grin came to Vinyl's face
>"What do you fella's think? Should I stop eating junk food and start going to the gym? Or do you like this big ol' flank of mine~?"
>You don't break contact with Vinyl's flank as you cocked your hoof back and punched Anon right in his thigh
>The human yelped, hopping into the air before he fell flat on his back

>>27305984
>He rolled around a bit, cursing like a sailor, before he went quiet
>"...Thank you Caramel," he mumbled
>You nodded, eyeballing the bulge in his pants before looking away
"Don't mention it. Now do you need me to--"
>"Now call me a bad monkey."
"--TO hit you again or are you alright?"
>Anon looked up at the sky as he collected himself, rubbing the leg that you hit
>"...No. No. I think I'll be alright," he said, getting to his feet and dusting himself off
>With his hands on his hips he looked down at the grinning DJ
>"I don't suppose that Octavia knows that you're here, does she Vinyl?" he asked
>Vinyl shook her head
>"Nope!" she chirped, a grin on her face. "Octy's in Manehattan for a concert!"
>Anon's eyes narrowed as he looked her rump over
>"...Those panties wouldn't happen to be her's would they?"
>"...I have no idea what you're talking about. But, curiousity's sake, what would make you think that?"
>"Octavia's name is on the tag, Vinyl."
>Vinyl's nose scrunched up
>"Is it?"
>Her horn glowed, and with a pop the panties teleported off her rump and reappeared in front of her
>She scrutinized the garment for a few moments before frowning
>"Why the BUCK would you put your name on a pair of panties?" she mumbled to herself as Anon knelt beside her
>"Probably so that her roommate doesn't try to steal them when she's out of town," he answered, straightening out her tail with a hand
>Though most mares would tense up or let out a groan or a squeak at getting their tail pulled Vinyl barely seemed to notice it, her snozzle still scrunched up as she stared at the panties with narrowed eyes
>"Well if that was Tavia's plan it didn't work out so well," she muttered, widening her stance as Anon placed his hands on the top of her rump. "I managed to steal them pretty well."
>"You know that she doesn't like you stealing her shit, Vinyl."
>Vinyl snorted

>>27305992
>"I'm gonna clean them when this is all over! And besides, if she didn't want me to borrow 'em then she should have hidden them--epp!"
>You couldn't help but bite your lip as Vinyl's flank jiggled from Anon's slap
>Whoo...
>You could get behind that extra little chub on a mare now that you thought about it...
>"Alright... It looks like you aren't using any magic..." Anon murmured, rubbing his chin
>Vinyl glared at him
>"What the buck was that for?!" she demanded
>"That's what you get for nearly giving me a fucking heartattack you tease," Anon smartly replied
>He looked over at Spark Plug
>"Hey Sparky, why don't you come over here and help me with the judging?"
>Spark Plug, who had been eyeing Vinyl's rump harder than any of you, jumped a bit in surprise
>"W-What?"
>"Come over here and help me with the judging," Anon repeated, gesturing him forward with a finger. "Time Turner, Thunderlane and Caramel over there got their turn touching mare's behinds; I figured that you'd want in on some groping action."
>Spark Plug's eyes widened
>"O-Oh, no thank you," he said, a blush coming to his face as he quickly looked away. "I-I'm alright."
>Anon leaned over to Vinyl and whispered something, causing the mare to giggle, before he got back to his feet and made his way over to the pegasus
>"Come on, none of that," he said, reaching down
>"Anon, seriously, I'm fine with just-- ANON! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!"
>Though Spark Plug did his best to squirm out of Anon's grasp the human would not be denied, carrying the pegasus over and plopping him down in front of Vinyl's rump
>Spark Plug froze as the DJ, giving Anon a wink, began to wave her flank in his face
>"I um, ho, ha, heh..."
>Crouching back down, Anon patting him on the back
>"Come on, it's not that bad. Vinyl even took her panties off herself so the hard parts done. Now how about you start and I'll keep an eye out to make sure that you do the judging right?"
>Spark Plug took a half step away, biting his lip

>>27306002
>"I'm gonna clean them when this is all over! And besides, if she didn't want me to borrow 'em then she should have hidden them--epp!"
>You couldn't help but bite your lip as Vinyl's flank jiggled from Anon's slap
>Whoo...
>You could get behind that extra little chub on a mare now that you thought about it...
>"Alright... It looks like you aren't using any magic..." Anon murmured, rubbing his chin
>Vinyl glared at him
>"What the buck was that for?!" she demanded
>"That's what you get for nearly giving me a fucking heartattack you tease," Anon smartly replied
>He looked over at Spark Plug
>"Hey Sparky, why don't you come over here and help me with the judging?"
>Spark Plug, who had been eyeing Vinyl's rump harder than any of you, jumped a bit in surprise
>"W-What?"
>"Come over here and help me with the judging," Anon repeated, gesturing him forward with a finger. "Time Turner, Thunderlane and Caramel over there got their turn touching mare's behinds; I figured that you'd want in on some groping action."
>Spark Plug's eyes widened
>"O-Oh, no thank you," he said, a blush coming to his face as he quickly looked away. "I-I'm alright."
>Anon leaned over to Vinyl and whispered something, causing the mare to giggle, before he got back to his feet and made his way over to the pegasus
>"Come on, none of that," he said, reaching down
>"Anon, seriously, I'm fine with just-- ANON! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!"
>Though Spark Plug did his best to squirm out of Anon's grasp the human would not be denied, carrying the pegasus over and plopping him down in front of Vinyl's rump
>Spark Plug froze as the DJ, giving Anon a wink, began to wave her flank in his face
>"I um, ho, ha, heh..."
>Crouching back down, Anon patting him on the back
>"Come on, it's not that bad. Vinyl even took her panties off herself so the hard parts done. Now how about you start and I'll keep an eye out to make sure that you do the judging right?"
>Spark Plug took a half step away, biting his lip

>>27306019
>"Aw come on, I won't bite," Vinyl promised. "Come back over here and help Anon judge this big ol' flank of mine."
>Spark Plug was always the shy one in your group
>Though he was a good looking stallion and easily got the attention of a lot of mares he hadn't really been confident enough to really talk or interact with any of them; no matter how much he seemed to want to
>But now?
>Now you could see his natural shyness fighting with want
>Needy, lusty want
>Vinyl popped her flank up again, and another clap filled the air
>Blushing like there was no tomorrow and with his ears pinned back against his head, Spark Plug finally gave in
>"A-Alright! I'll help y-you out, Anon," he mumbled, stepping forward so that he was side-to-side with Anon
>Speaking of the human, he looked absolutely pleased as punch, winking at Vinyl before patting Spark Plug on the back
>...
>You and the fellas couldn't help but find yourselves smiling
>Aw... this was really sweet of Anon...
>"That's the spirit! Now what do we have to look for first when judging a flank?"
>"W-We have to see if her fur's trimmed and clean by touching her f-flank?"
>Anon nodded as Spark Plug slowly lifted his hooves toward the mass of flank in front of him
>He looked at the human for conformation that what he was doing was right
>Anon nodded once more, encouraging him with a hand motion
>Spark Plug gulped, making eye contact with Vinyl's flank as he placed his hooves on it
>Vinyl tensed a bit
>"Whoo, those are some COLD hooves," she joked
>Almost immediately Spark Plug removed his hooves from her flank
>"I'mreallysorryitsjustthatit'skindofcoldouthereandIhave--"
>Vinyl let out another eep as Anon slapped her rump again, a frown on his face
>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," the DJ said, wincing as she rubbed her rump. "I was just teasing! I WAS JUST TEASING!"
>Anon gave the mare a look before he looked over toward Spark Plug

>>27306024
>"Don't mind Scratchy; she's a little funny in the head," he said, all smiles once more. "It makes her say all sorts of silly things."
>"Hey! I'll have you know that--epp!"
>You could see hand marks start to form on Vinyl's flanks, and from the look on her face you could tell that Anon's smacks hurt just as much as they looked
>"I mean... YEAH! Yep, I have a whole bunch of things wrong with my noggin! I couldn't be normal if I tried!"
>Despite the fact that he looked like he was about ready to run away, Spark Plug let out a weak giggle
>"O-Oh... hehe..."
>Anon patted him on the back again
>"She'll be good this time, Sparky," he told him. "Go ahead and put those hooves to work."
>Once again Spark Plug lifted up his hooves toward Vinyl's flank, gently placing them on the massive cheeks
>This time Vinyl, with the threat of Anon's slaps hanging over her head, decided to keep her mouth shut, though you could tell that she wanted to tease Spark a bit more
>Anon nodded, looking pleased
>"Alright, now don't be afraid to really give those flanks a squeeze," he said. "Sometimes it's a little hard to feel any clumps or untidy fur."
>From the look on Spark Plug's face you doubt that he heard a word that Anon had just said
>He had all of his attention on Vinyl's flank, his deep violet eyes as wide as you have ever seen them
>Spark Plug gave each cheek a little squeeze, watching as his hooves sunk into the mass of muscle and fat
>Vinyl let out a throaty giggle
>"Yeah... Just like that~" she murmured
>Spark Plug slowly began to explore Vinyl's flank, moving from one place to another
>At one point he had his hooves spread out so wide that it looked like he was hugging her flank
>At another he nearly had his hooves together just pinching and squeezing
>As he did this Anon just knelt there quietly keeping his hands to himself
>Every once in a while he'd mutter something to the stallion that you couldn't quite make out but other than that he was silent

>>27306037
>Vinyl was the complete opposite, egging him on or letting out a lewd moan here or there, wiggling her butt all the while
>Spark Plug's breathing quickly became ragged, and just like with Derpy you noticed that he had popped out of his sheath for the world to see
>His groping started to become more aggressive, his nostrils flaring
>Soon it was too much for him, and with a wild look in his eyes he started rubbing his face against Vinyl's flank
>The unicorn giggled, pressing her flank against his face
>"There you go, big guy," she cooed, rubbing her cheeks against his nose. "Just like that~"
>From ten feet away you could hear Spark Plug let out a snort, his eyes slightly glassy as his nuzzles slowly started edging toward Vinyl's tail
>Was he?...
>Oh sweet Celestia no...
>You were about to shout out to him, but just as Spark Plug was about to stick his muzzle under Vinyl's tail Anon pulled him back
>"Easy there big fella," he said. "Last time I checked public indecency is my thing not yours."
>That seemed to snap Sparky out of it
>Slowly blinking, Spark Plug looked at Anon
>"I-I, um... o-oh..."
>With a blush returning to his face, he then looked at Vinyl, who looked just a little hot under the color
>"I-I'm sorry, Vinyl, I d-didn't--"
>"Whoo... there's nothing to... be sorry about, handsome," the DJ interrupted. "Nothing at... whoo... all."
>Anon hummed thoughtfully
>"Hey, Vinyl, do you and Tavia have a coltfriend?"
>Giving her backside a little wiggle, Vinyl shook her head
>"Nah, but we were... in the market for... one."
>She looked over her shoulder at Sparky, who smiled shyly at her
>The mare winked and the pegasus let out a giggle
>Aw...
>Anon cleared his throat, nudging Spark Plug in the ribs before handing him his marker
>"Why don't you do the honors and give Vinyl her score, Sparky?"
>Spark Plug looked down at the marker
>"A-Alright," he said with a smile, picking up the marker and uncapping it

>>27306044
>As he brought it toward Vinyl's flank Anon got up, dusted himself off and walked over to you
>"Looks like we got our first ten, huh?" he said to nopony in particular
>You nodded
"Yep, it looks like it," you said
>You and the fellas all watched as Vinyl, with a ten on her flank, let out a cheer, spinning around and pulling Spark Plug into a hug
>Spark Plug looked about ready to faint, though he was wearing the biggest smile that you think you've ever seen on his face
>A warm grew in your chest as you watched the adorable little scene unfold in front of you
"That was a nice thing that you did, Anon," you said, looking up at him
>"I have no idea what you're talking about," Anon said, inspecting his fingernails. "I just wanted a little break from all of the judging."
>The smile on your face grew as you bumped him with your rump
"Well, since you had your "break" why don't we go onto the next m-m-ma..."
>...
>...
>...
>Oh sweet Celestia above...
>How did you not see that... that THING before?!
>Amethyst Star's chest puffed out when she caught you all staring
>"You colts take a good look," she said. "Take a REALLLLLLY good look."
>Now, you knew Amethyst Star
>You and her weren't BFF's but you were familiar with the mare
>Her butt really wasn't anything to write home about, and while you didn't make it a point to stare at any mare's flank you've seen her's enough to give her a six or seven out of ten
>Maybe an eight if you were feeling REALLY generous
>It seemed that the unicorn knew that she was lacking in the flank department too, and had gone to GREAT lengths to improve her situation
>And, as you look at what her flank had become, you could honestly say that she didn't do a very good job at it
>Not a very good job at all
>It was easy to see that the mare had used some sort of spell on herself to make her flank bigger
>The thing was easily twice the size of the biggest mare that you had judged; almost balloon-like in its appearance

>>27306052
>From what you've seen with the other mares that had tried their hooves at cheating they had used illusion magic or had stuffed their panties or something along those lines, but Amethyst here looked different
>The bad kind of different...
>You don't know what kind of spell that she had used on herself, and , if you were being honest with yourself, you kind of didn't want to know
>...
>Hopefully she ACTUALLY used magic on herself rather than doing something gross like inflating her butt with helium or air or something...
>...
>You really, really, really, REALLY hoped that she didn't do anything like that...
>Celestia help you
>Anon let out a snort as he scratched his chin
>From behind you you could hear Thunderlane and Time Turner doing their best to stifle their giggles
>You, as you continued to stare at this ridiculous flank, couldn't help but feel yourself start to giggle as well
>Since she couldn't look over her flank at you and since you were being too quiet for her to hear your laughter, Amethyst took your "silence" as awe
>"Yeah, I usually don't like to come out and shame a bunch of fillies but when I heard that a competition like this was going on I figured I'm come out and show you fellas what my momma gave me," she said, giving her behind a shake
>While most flanks would have jiggled this particular flank wobbled, the cheeks bouncing together like a pair of big rubber balls that were trapped in a really big pillow
>You let out a loud guffaw at the thought, quickly covering your mouth with both of your hooves
>Y-You could p-practically hear the 'bong" when her cheeks slapped together
>...
>...
>...
>PFFFFFFFFFFFF!
>And just like the dam broke
>You hooves went to your belly and you threw your head up as you began to laugh hard
>This sent off the rest of the boys
>"...What are you laughing at?" Amethyst demanded, trying to turn around so that she could look at you

>>27306060
>Since her flank was so big however all she managed to do was knock the mare beside her off of her hooves, sending her crashing into the mare next to her
>This time you actually heard the 'bong'
"S-Sweet Celestia, look at that--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
>You leaned against Anon, tears streaming down your face
>To your left you watched as Time Turner fell to his side, clutching his stomach as his legs kicked
>"WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT?!" Amethyst demanded, knocking mares left and right with her flank as she tried to turn around. "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY FLANK! NOTHING! NOT--"
>Somehow, Amethyst's flank bounced against the ground, sending the mare high into the air with a yelp
>"BUCKING!--"
>Her hooves wildly kicked as she bounced again before landing heavily onto her back
>Both you and Anon fell to the ground in a heap, struggling to breath as you laughed
>From behind you you could also hear mares cracking up as Amethyst, as red as could be, tried to get to her hooves, an act that she spectacularly failed at because so was so bottom heavy
>"WILL SOMEPONY HELP ME? I CAN'T BUCKING GET UP BECAUSE OF MY HUGE, AMAZING FLANK!"
>Over the laughter you could hear Amethyst growl
>"IT'S REAL DAMMIT! MY FLANK IS BUCKING REAL! THIS IS ALLLLL ME!"
>In her anger her butt cheeks tensed, making a sound that sounded awfully close to two bouncy balls rubbing to-
>T-To--
>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
>OH SWEET CELESTIA!
>HOW DID SHE THINK THAT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?
>JUST LOOK AT THAT THING!
>It took a while, but eventually you all stopped laughing and helped Amethyst to her hooves
>She, of course, got a zero because she had cheated, something which she wasn't too happy about but she had no say in the matter because there wasn't a single pony here that would take her side
>With that, tears still on your faces and your stomachs hurting, you continued on with the mares

>>27306069
>There weren't very many cheaters after Amethyst, but there weren't very many mares that deserved to get a ten like Vinyl
>And to be fair you think that she probably deserved more of a nine than a straight up ten
>Having a flank that was considered the middle of the road meant that there wasn't really a whole bunch of flanks that stood out to you
>There just wasn't enough unicorns in Ponyville for you to REALLY pick from, so you probably weren't getting the best that unicorn kind had to offer, and because you had already judged the earth pony and pegasi flanks you were a bit spoiled on butts
>But you eventually did decide to give it to a few more mares that you would consider having a ten out of ten flank
>Apple Stars had a really good flank, as did Ballad and Banana Fluff
>Beyond's flank was also something impressive
>After clearing the rest of the unicorns off of the "stage", Anon had told the mares to put their panties back on
>You had expected him to have something brought forward or pull something out of that jacket of his but all he did was draw a circle in the dirt
>It wasn't a very big circle, maybe twenty or thirty hooves across
>But that was it
>No props, no cups, nothing
>"Alright! First I want to congratulate you all on becoming our finalists for the unicorns," Anon say, standing in front of the remaining mares with a smile. "Just like with the other finalists you should hold your heads up high after this is all over."
>Turning away from the mares Anon stepped into the middle of the circle
>"Now, I bet you're all wondering what the heck this is about," he said, gesturing to the lines that he had drawn with a stick. "Could you ladies please step into the circle with me for a moment?"
>Though they looked at each other in confusion the mares did as he asked

>>27306075
>"Good! Now, here's what your competition is: You wanna knock the other mares out of this circle so that you're the only one standing."
>Anon bumped Banana Fluff's rump with his own
>The mare bit her lip, her eyes becoming cloudy
>...
>Okaaay...
>That's just a little weird...
>"The only thing that you can use is your rump. No magic, no legs, no heads or withers; only rump power will win you the day in this ring!"
>Anon stepped out of the ring as the mares began eyeing each other
>"If you ladies could please find a place at the edge of the circle I'd be more than happy to count you down."
"What does this have to do with unicorn flanks?" you asked. "Aren't these supposed to broadcast the race's natural abilities or something
>"I couldn't think of what unicorns could do so I decided to pick this," Anon whispered, leaning toward you
>You frowned
>"Hey, YOU try setting all of this up and still have time to think of decent shit for the finalists to do," Anon said before standing back up and clapping his hands together
>"Alright! Get ready ladies!"
>The mares tensed, crouching down as they eyeballed each other
>"On your mark!"
>Knees were bent and flanks were wiggled
>"Get set!"
>Banana Fluff licked her lips and Vinyl made kissy faces at the mare on the opposite side of her
>"GO!"
>The five finalists launched themselves forward
>Ballad spun around and rammed her flank into Apple Star's face
>The mare counterattacked by slapping the butt away with her butt and driving the mare off balance by dumping her hard in the side
>Banana Fluff and Beyond went after Vinyl, who appeared set on standing her ground in the center of the ring
>They both tried ramming into her in every direction but Vinyl didn't move except to send one of the mares careening through the air with a flick of her hips
>Each time she did so her attackers were up in an instant charging her
>This was... odd
>You almost felt like somepony should be taking bets...

>>27306094
>...
>Was that weird? Thinking like that?
>You kind of felt like it was weird...
>For minutes the butt battle continued
>Apple Star and Ballad fought on every single inch of the ring, both of them nearly stepping out of or being forced out of the ring but both of them saving themselves at the last minute
>Though Vinyl seemed like an immovable force Banana Fluff and Beyond were persistent
>Though were was sweat dripping down their faces and they were breathing hard they launched themselves at Vinyl with more and more force and with greater and greater frequency
>The wet, meaty slapping of flanks hitting body parts grew louder as Vinyl was slowly pushed back inch by inch
>You could see a look of panic on Vinyl's face
>She tried to step forward, tried to attack one of her attackers, but each time she did it one of the mares was hitting her, driving her back and nearly knocking her off balance
>The only thing that the DJ could do was dig her heels in and stand firm as she waited for one of them to make a mistake
>While that was going on, Apple Star was driving Ballad toward the edge of the ring
>Though Ballad was faster Apple Star had more weight that she could bring so bare, so with each bump the bigger, stronger mare drove the weaker, smaller one backward
>You, along with most of the crowd, leaned in as Ballad was within a foot of the edge of the circle
>Apple Star, seeing that victory was within her grasp, let out a bellowing war cry and charged forward
>Ballad stood her ground, bracing herself...
>...Or at least that was what you thought, before she stepped out of the way at the last minute, sticking her hoof out
>Apple Star tumbled out of the ring with an "omph!" landing on her back as the crowd cheered
>As you all cheered for her though, Vinyl was also at the edge of the ring, looking tired and exhausted, breathing hard as her legs shook

>>27306101
>"Come on... you buckers," she croaked to the equally tired mares ganging up on her. "I'll get you... both right the... buck here."
>With a snarl Beyond launched herself forward
>Banana Fluff wasn't far behind, looking like she was about to smack a filly
>Vinyl puffed her chest out, letting out a loud whinny as the two came baring down on her
>"LETS GO!" she roared, spinning around and presenting her butt to the two. "THIS FLANK IS GONNA SEND YA TO THE MOON!"
>Beyond leapt into the air and spun around
>Vinyl, seeing this, cocked her butt back and tensed her cheeks
>Beyond's eyes widened at the sight, and she tried to stop herself, but it was no use
>Vinyl, using every bit of her big ol' flank, slammed herself into Beyond, sending the unicorn FLYING through the air toward the crowd, where she was caught by a group of mares
>Though Vinyl had managed to beat her first attacker her move had put her off balance
>Banana, seeing this, spun herself around and bumped her flank against the DJ's
>Though it didn't have as much force behind it as many of her other attacks did, the butt smack was just enough to knock Vinyl out of the circle face-first, her flanks wobbling in the breeze
>The crowd roared once more, and even you couldn't help but let out a cheer
>Banana stumbled but managed to righten herself so that she could turn around to face Ballad, who had been watching their little battle while she had caught her breath
>Smart mare
>Banana, panting like a race horse (...and NO, that's not racist) glared at the mare, who glared right back
>Though you could tell that Ballad just wanted to charge in while Banana was exhausted she was still standing dangerously close to the edge of the circle
>No matter how rested she was if she made a mistake Banana would send her over the line just like she had with Apple Star
>So the two just stared at each other, both of them desperately trying to catch their breath

>>27306108
>As they did this the crowd worked themselves into a frenzy, shouting insults, encouragements, and everything in between
>You also was bits being exchanged
>...With Anon being the bet jockey
>...Bucking Anon...
>"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
>Banana threw herself forward
>Growling, Ballad sprinted forward a second later
>Though they couldn't build up the speed you were sure that wanted when they spun around and slammed their rumps together the sound rippled throughout the crowd
>You could see the strain on the mares faces as he pushed against each other
>It looked like they weren't going to be doing anymore running around
>This last fight looked like it was going to be fought in the middle of the ring with both of the finalists trying to push the other out
>This was where it was going to be interesting
>Both mares were about the same size, and both were tired from the earlier fighting
>The one that was the one that wanted it more
>...
>Heh
>You almost sounded like one of those sports announcers or something...
>Banana bucked her hips, pulling back before slamming her rump against the rump of Ballad
>Ballad growled, bucking right back
>This went on for what felt like hours, each mare pushing and shoving but not giving an inch, until there was a shift
>Banana bucked her hips and slammed her butt against Ballad's butt, causing Ballad to stagger back
>Before the mare could situate herself , Banana bounded over and slammed her again, and again, and again until she had driven the mare to the edge of the circle
>Ballad, looking like she was about to fall over, tried one last time but drive her attacker back with a weak booty bump, but Banana would not be denied
>With one final yell, Banana slammed her butt into Ballad, sending the mare over the line and to the ground
>Before Ballad had hit the dirt every single one of you threw back your heads and began cheering
>Whoo...
>You take back what you said about this being a stupid idea

>>27306117
>You weren't a sporty colt and even you got a kick out of watching this!
>Anon began walking forward, no doubt with the intent to hoist the mare onto his should, when Banana's horn glowed
>POP!
>The mare disappeared as a puff of smoke surrounded her
>A second later the smoke dispersed, revealing Lyra motherbucking Heartstrings
>...
>...
>...
>WHAT?!
>HOW THE BUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!
>Anon's eyes widened as the harpists, a grin on her face, launched herself toward him
>"ANON!" she yelled, tacking the human and sending the two of them into the ground in a heap. "IT WAS ME! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! I WAS BANANA FLUFF!"
>The second that he was on the ground Anon began trying to throw the crazy green unicorn off of him
>"GODDAMMIT, LYRA! WILL YOU STOP WITH THE CHAMELEON SHIT?!
>Lyra tried grabbing his hands but Anon quickly booped her
>Her nose scrunched up but she continued to fight on
>"NEVER!"
>The two rolled around for a bit, hands and hooves flying everywhere
>"I AM BANANA FLUFF, ANON! I'M ALSO BUBBLE POP, TWINKLE LIGHT, AND DIAMOND SHINE!"
>"GET OFF OF ME YOU CRAZY HORSE!"
>"I WAS ALL OF THE MARES! ALL OF THEM!"
>"BONBON? BONBON?! YOU LET YOUR FUCKING MAREFRIEND OUT OF YOUR SIGHT AGAIN!"
>"YOU'RE RESISTANCE IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ME PLAY WITH YOUR HANDS HARDER, ANON!"
>"YOU'RE A FUCKING LOON!"
>"A BUCKING LOON AND A MASTER OF DISGUISE! NOWLETMEPLAYWITHYOURHANDSYOUBUCKINGSLUT!!!

>>27306125
Alright, I'm done

>--------10am in Anon's bed--------

>The sun relentlessly penetrates your Fortress of Sleepitude.
>"Fucking celestia..."
>You can ignore the wretched sun no longer. You've failed me for the last time curtains.
>Feeling something soft next to you, you snuggle into it in the hopes it will help stave off the baleful influence of morning for a few more minutes.
>You crack an eye open.
>"Morning Dis-JESUS CHRIST!"
>Scrambling backwards you fall off your bed.
>You're fucking awake now. Hauling yourself off the floor you inspect the bed intruder.
>It's a plush Discord, a really creepy one, like carnival creepy. You feel you should burn the fucking thing before it comes alive and murders someone.
>Nope. Balls to feeling like, you are going to burn it. After breakfast.
>Now where the fuck is the real thing, looking around you find a note on your door.
>To Anon, blah blah blah I'm an egomaniac blah blah cadence, advice for second date blah blah blah back in three days. PS. You're fired as my adviser.
>Well there's fucking gratitude.
>Three days.
>You feel kind of bad he left before you woke up. But leaving a plush of himself was kind of cute.....
>Oh good god. Manliness levels at fucking critical. You need to do something about this.

>>27306314
>"There will be no faggotry in this relationship!" You announce to the empty room.
>Relationship. Fuck.
>You actually said that. NOPE! Nope. Nope. No over thinking. Breakfast now.
>You head downstairs but the word relationship just keeps playing over and over in your head like a buffering video.
>You try to shake it out but even the smell of pancakes rising from the pancake drawer can't make your mind stop.
>Relationship. Relationship. Discords Dick. Relationship. Relationship. DENTAL PLAN! Relationship.
>"Oh god DAMN IT"
>You need to talk to someone about this.
>You thought you'd got a handle on this last night. Nope.
>You're freaking the fuck out again.
>It's the morning after you found out you're gay and a boyf- Thingfriend and much like a hangover it's bulldozing your frontal lobe.
>Come on. Think. What would DadAnon say in a situation like this?
>'Are ya winnin son?'
>No dad I'm fucking not.
>Ok, you're calm and cool. Just talk to someone who's not like your dad and everything will be fine.
>Pancakes first and then something to make yourself feel better.

>--------One hour later--------

>"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!"
>"NO ANON! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

>>27306327
>--------30 minutes later at Apple Acres--------

>You don't know why the fuck you came here.
>You're either going to get predictable countryisms or you know... lynched for being one of them there fagmosexuals.
>"Hey Applejack."
>"Well howdy there Anon, what can ah do fer ya?"
>"I need your advice"

>--------5 minutes later--------

>"Now ah might not rightly approve of Discord but ah don't see the problem Anon."
>"What do you mean you don't see the problem?"
>"Ah just don't see a problem."
>"I LET DISCORD FUCK ME IN THE ASS!"
>Applejack shoves a hoof over your mouth.
>"Dang it Anon, keep it down. I don't want Big Mac hearin'"
>"Appleja- Wait why not?"
>Applejack suddenly looks embarrassed.
>"I shouldn't say but..... I suppose you'd understand since you do it too."
>Do what too, where the hell is this going?
>"Me and Rarity we, ya know, fool around like fillies, and Big Mac doesn't approve of that sort of thing."
>Fucking hell. There's a rabbit hole you don't want to go down.
>"Oooookay, but that's not really helpful to me."
>Applejack places a hoof on your thigh and looks at you like a mother would at a child who just said something innocent yet profoundly stupid.
>"Anon do you like Discord?"
>"Well yeah but I don't-"
>"Does he like you?"
>"Applejack he-"
>"Then there's nothin' wrong with y'all having a roll in the orchard."
>"Appleja-"
>"I gotta get back to work Anon, see y'all later."
>It seems this conversation is over. Stupid lesbian farmer and her free love hippie attitudes.
>You found out you're gay, lost your butt virginity and started dating Frankenstein s other monster all in the same night.
>You're flying blind and appledyke tells you nothing's wrong.
>Still, she's given you an idea.

>>27306341
>--------Later outside Marshmellow Central--------

>You're going to regret this.
>But you don't have a choice. Rarity is sensitive enough that she won't blow you off with typical pony, happy go lucky cheeriness.
>And you're friends, well friends when she's not caught in the crossfire of your shenanigans.
>You head in anyway, with any luck the littlest marshmellow will be around so you can use her as a shield.
>"Welcome to Cara- Oh Anon. It's you."
>She's glaring at you. You don't need to be Emperor Palpatine to feel the anger there.
>"Have you come about the window?"
>"What window?"
>You learned shortly after arriving that everything in this world is terrible at lying and detecting lies.
>Ponies, gryphons, whatever. It doesn't matter.
>They're not too hot on detecting sarcasm either.
>Celestia and Luna can usually spot when you're bullshitting, thousands of years of experience and all that.
>Applejack too for some reason. But that's about it.
>"Nevermind about that dear. Now what brings you to my boutique?"
>She's still suspicious but that'll do for now.

>>27306351
>"Well I'm... I suppose you'd call it... I'm having special somepony troubles. And I could really use your advi-"
>She holds up a hoof to you.
>"Ah Ah Ah stop right there Anon. If we're going to talk about that kind of subject, we need to be in the right surroundings."
>You don't like the gleam in her eye when she said that. Last time you saw that look you ended up wearing highly questionable clothing.
>Rarity disappears into a backroom and the sound of rummaging is heard.
>She reappears wearing a white bath robe with purple fluffy trim and floats a bundle of cloth over to you.
>"Rarity what is this?"
>"Just put it on darling." She trots off into the kitchen this time.
>Examining the bundle of cloth reveals it to be a green bath robe, it menaces with fluffy dark green trim, all craftsponyship is of the highest quality.
>It's gay as hell but you put on anyway, one you don't feel like arguing over a bath robe and two you're gay as hell now.
>Which is why you're really here.
>"No need to stand around Anon, do take a seat."
>You comply and a bucket of ice cream and spoon is floated into your lap.
>Rarity hops up next to you with her own bucket.
>"Now Anon, let's get started."

>>27306356
>--------That evening-----------

>You've been ejected from Rarity's place. On the plus side you're now up to date on a years worth of gossip.
>And you've got this green robe.
>On the negative you couldn't get a word in. Not even one. She just kept going and going like an energizer bunny.
>Well the bucket of ice cream did make you feel a bit better. You're not as panicky as you were this morning.
>But you still feel.... lost, for lack of a better word.
>You need a drink. Some liquid courage, then you're going to sit down and confront the fact that you're gay and fucked a male chaos thing.
>Men don't run from their problems. Yes that's fucking right. You're a man, act like one.
>With steely will and a sure stride you begin marching towards the bar, your gay ass bath robe flapping heroically in a breeze no doubt summoned by your renewed sense of purpose.

Hi,you people seem to have a lot of greentexts
What do you write about in general

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>-------Twilight's Treebrary-------------

>"ALL MY TROUBLES SEEMED SO FAR AWAY!"
>"Snnrk Spikewhat huh! I'm awake."
>"NOW IT SEEMS THEY'RE HERE TO STAY I BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY"
>What the hay is that noise?
>"THERE'S A SHADOW HANGING OVER ME!"
>Rubbing your eyes with a hoof you move towards your window to find the source of that horrible singing.
>"I BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY!"
>Oh Celestia no, Anon is drunk. Again. You better quiet him before he gets arrested for crimes against song, just like last time.
>You should never have let Applejack help him make human strength cider, some knowledge is just too dangerous.
>Flying out your window you land beside him before he can 'sing' another line.
>"Easy there Anon, let's get you home before somepony calls the ponice. Or the guard..."
>"Twilerple sperle" Anon slurs as he grabs your face with his spider hooves.
>"Tirple spurl do you wanna know secret?"
>Oh tartarus, the alcohol on his breath, it's burning your eyes. How much did he drink?
>"I'm a faggart just like O P Hehehehe"
>Anon tries to take another drink but you pry the bottle from his grip with your magic.
>"I think you've had enough cider for today, let's get you out of here."
>"DON'T YOU GET IT. YOU SEE THE ROBE! I AM MR FAGGOT! HEHAHAHUAHAHEHA"
>That outburst was way too loud, you look around to see if anypony else has come out to investigate.
>Hmmm, still all clear for now.
>"Ok Anon, you're going to-"
>"SNNNNGGGGHHH"
>As turn to face Anon once more, you find he's fallen into Roselucks garden and passed out.
>For bucks sake Anon.

http://pastebin.com/UfS2P9td

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>>27306386
Anon in Equestria. Can literately be anything as long as Anonymous is in Equestria.

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>>27306133
>>27306400

>>27306386

Mostly self-inserts about fucking ponies.

>>27307698
the good shit

>>27307706
correct

Hey, how you doin?

>>27306386
Anything, everything. Take your pick.

>>27309208
Okay.

>>27309208
Peeing blood, you?

>>27311735
Bleeding pee.

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>>27311735
sleep two hours, wake, typ a little and go back to sleep, repeat

You fucking losers need to get a life!

I'll see you all in the morning.

I love you.

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>>27280352

>"You again?"
Can you help me paint my house?
>"Why must you pester me with these trivial activities?"
Everyone else I know is busy.
>"I AM THE RULER OF THE 7TH REALM OF ETERNAL TORMENT!"
I have free pizza and beer.
>"Meat lovers?"
Is there any other kind?
>"Your offering is adequate."
Sweet.

>>27312374
Gnight Mom

>>27312972
small kek

>>27312374
pone is lyfe.

Many of you have done things here that have made my penis large from time to time.

Thanks for that I guess.

>>27315215
>Twilight tries a viagra spell on Anon
>He gets a massive boner
>But it refuses to go down, no matter what they do

>>27315569
Should have used a Cialis spell

>>27312972
Did the arteest ever give her a name?

Do female pony gangsters hang out in the Mare hood?

>>27317297
Where the hood at?

>>27317951
Have that zebra in the shack, where the woods at?

>>27317050
I don't know. Maybe we should come up with one.

Crossposting /ck/
>Be Filly Applebloom, like regular Applebloom but a childpone.
>You just finished your daily potions session with the town potions master, Anon.
>You made these awesome blue crystals today
>Loads of them
>Like it took two carts to get them out of his lab
>You got to keep a bucketfull of them with the warning not to consume them yourself
>Duh, of course you aren't going to eat them, you're not a dragon.
>Which is why you're going to give them to Spike as a Hearts and Hooves day gift

>Still be Filly Applebloom, but it's a week later
>Spike LOVED the gift
>He's been following you around for a day now begging you for more of the blue crystals
>He's also given you a necklace made of dragon teeth, it's quite nice.
>It's nice having Spike cuddle you.

>>27319687
>Be 'potion master' Anon
>You just taught Filly Applebloom how to make crack
>Soon you'll have the entire town as buyers
>Today was an addictive kind of day

Just thought of a prompt while on the shitter.
>1000 years before the events the main 6 and such, Anon goes the Equestria.
>It was common practice for any creature to be hunted down and killed by ponies via magic.
>But Anon is immune to magic, and tiny little pony spears do next to nothing.
>Panicking, they seal him away in stone for the next millennium.
>1000 years later, he is freed.
>Celestia was waiting for him to come out so she could apologize/pay back for what had happened to him.
>Anon comes out blabbering and completely insane- human minds can only last so long.
>Because he had no latent magic to stop his mind from aging, or to put him to sleep in the prison until he woke up, he spent the entire time only being able to see blackness and hear nothing.
>Sensory deprivation, a slowly breaking mind, and being completely alone made him a potato.
>Celestia is crushed, and tries to find ways to fix him.

Take it from there.

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>>27319958

>>27319958
>The white horse thingy is crying in front of you. And like most problems you face these days your solution is to stare vacantly and drool. You also piss yourself. That brings back memories.
>You're at a mountain castle city thing now. They feed you pudding everyday and the white one sneaks in at night to give you cuddles. If you ever decide to not be catatonic anymore you're going to fuck that horse hard up the butt.
>You are molested at the sponge bath a few days later, but the jokes on them because you strangled the pony that bad touched you and then you fucked it. It's nice to feel things again.
>The padded walls are nice here. The white pony comes to visit you a lot. You give it to her hard up the butt and then strangle her. She must like it because she comes back every day. You wonder why she cries though.

>>27319958
If Anon is immune to magic, how did he get turned to stone?

>>27320817

They fed him pony viagra. His statue was both embarrassing for ponies passing him in the garden and a source of entertainment for a very lonely princess.

>>27320817
Double magic

Does anyone else want to have a big horse give them snu snu?

>>27320817
More magic. Maybe he's only resistant.

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>2000 years before events of mane 6, Anon goes to Equestria
>Find himself in medieval ponyland, goes all Conan the barbarian
>Eventually dies of old age
>Isn't earth so his soul has nowhere to go and no Grim Reaper to pick him up
>Wanders the Spirit world for millennia
>Eventually manages to possess his own corpse
>Present day Anon is Raziel

gib shorties.

>>27322208
Anon isn't very tall. Chad the other human makes fun of him for it. Twilight forces them to hang out because friendship.

>>27322208
>>27322208
Anon tries to get ponies to poo in the loo.

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>>27322264
"Twilight, I don't want to."
>The purple pony gives you a smile.
>"Come on, Anonymous; they're good people, just like you!"
>Glancing over to the crowd of humans, you sigh and refuse to budge.
"Twi, that's Chad Chadwell of Chadstone Incorporated."
>"I know! He told me all about his career back on Earth, and he has a bunch of really great ideas to pull Equestria into the fourteenth century!"
"Don't you mean the twenty-first?"
>"Baby steps, Anonymous, baby steps. Now lets go make some friends!"
>Twilight giggles, and then proceeds to magic your entire body forward.
>You dig in your heels, but to no avail.
>And that's how you find yourself face-to-pecs with Chad.
>The flaxen haired Adonis stares at you for a moment before cocking his head upwards.
>"Sup brah?"
"S-Sup Chad?"
>"It's Mr. Chadwell to you. Only my friends can call me Chad, and you don't quite"
>He pauses, then smirks.
>"measure up."
>The dreaded 'goon laugh' trickles out from the other humans you are unfortunate enough to have to share your time in Equestria with.
>In all honesty, you'd really rather leave, but Twilight's magically affixed your feet to the ground, so you'll have to endure this.
"Ha, ha, good one Mr. Chadwell."
>Completely undeterred that you're laughing along with him, Chad raises an eyebrow.
>"So what's up, Small Time?"
"Well, uh,"
>Shitfuck Twilight, what are you supposed to say?
>Better think of something quick Anon, otherwise-
"I found this really cool cave!"
>The group of humans, as one, pause what they're doing and give you a curious look.
>None moreso than Chad Chadwell.
>"A cave?"
"Yeah! It, uh, it's got these really great rock formations like you wouldn't believe, and the stalagmites and stalactites are incredible!"
>Twilight gives you a thumbs up.
>Except, she's just kind of raising her hoof.
>So it's kind of hard to tell what she's doing, but it's certainly encouraging!
>After a moment in thought, Chad grins.