How would you fix this paragraph, /lit/?

Delete all of it, replace with a detailed description of him tying her up and raping her. The whole novel would be about how he rapes her and breaks her spirit. Kind of like Lolita.

>>9317391
> replace "Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase." with "Just sleep together, platonically."
>replace "thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane." with "wishing i were dead."

>>9317391
I'm still fucking convinced he stole part of that from the Axe deodorant ad that's voiced by Keither Sutherland

>>9317403
Unironically a very good answer. You must be writer with some experience.

>Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex.
Damn, John Green realyl knows how people think

>>9317428
thanks man

File: 74kk.jpg (44KB, 600x579px) Image search: [Google]

44KB, 600x579px

>this gets published

>>9317391
Keep everything the same but:

>So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking about her while masturbating.

>>9317450
And now its /lit/

>>9317391
I would burn it and give up writing forever out of compassion for the human race.

Holy shit. "those movies?" There's a reason for the anti-John Green meme.

Doesn't even seem like a great comparison.

I think I'd much fucking rather have a drizzle than a hurricane.

>>9317403
You made the first example worse. You can't really make the second one worse so you succeeded there I guess.

>>9317465
implying either of the phrases i edited weren't just fluff he added in to convey a sense of vividness/sincerity which instead came across as pretentious

>>9317459
He chose it because it rhymes.

>>9317450
Actually good. It correctly identifies the pathology of the character, so the reader can attribute the poor writing style to his personality, rather than the author, as it's in first person.

If people lap up writing like that then even the most hopelessly mediocre writer on this board has a chance of being a published author.

>Not fuck, like in those movies
Ok
>Not even have sex
We get it, John, calm down
>Just sleep
For fuck's sake

>>9317500
This. The whole paragraph would be better if it was shorter. Allow people to fill in with their own cuck experiences, don't need to spell out every little thought.

I assume I'm not allowed to flourish at all here because it's YA. Here goes.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her and sleep. Just sleep. She was entangled in life, and I in myself. So, I walked back to my room and gave the bars of the top bunk a show.

>>9317391
>she was hurricane
surely there's a way to have both meter and grammar here

>>9317479
It is infact quite the contrary. What he said was not only more wide-ranging in terms of meaning, but also more realistic and humble. No one says "I wanted to sleep with her, platonically" unless they're making a joke. Outside of that context it feels slow and awkward.
On your second note you managed not only to turn a decent sentence into a terribley cliched phrase, but you also eachewed its entire meaning. He (the character) intended to compare himself with her. Its a subtle indication of his low self-esteem and it probably helps characterize him in the beginning of the novel, as a starting point, so he can make his dynamic change from there instead of beginning as a confident kid.

>>9317518
Not bad, buddy

>>9317391
>I wanted to lie down next to her, but I was ugly, so I slept alone.

>>9317526
Literally just take out and (replace with any fucking punctuation you want) for "a" in front of hurricane.

>>9317546
On second thought, I think

>I was ugly, so slept alone.

Is better, following a description of her that makes clear the narrator's desire.

>>9317539
i can tell you're pretentious too by the way you type. no wonder you like him? also
>subtle
it's anything but. the low self-esteem is painfully obvious by the time we get to that

>>9317518
nice

the final part is a bit stilted though

>>9317583
Ya, I was trying to keep the Greenian spirit but didn't know how. Had no idea what to do. Originally I just typed - So, I walked back to my room.

>>9317391
Rewrite it in 3rd person.

>I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep
That's nice
>Not fuck, like in those movies
Ok
>Not even have sex
Uh yeah man I think I get the picture
>Just sleep together
I think I fucking get it man
>in the most innocent sense of the word
No fucking shit faggot

>>9317612
this desu

>>9317391

I would order all copies of the book burned and send the author to a labour camp in Siberia.

>>9317495
Anyone can become a popular writer. You just need to understand the preferences of the ignorant masses. Green had plenty of experience with teenage girls through his "Nerdfighter" community.

>>9317391
>(...) thinking that if people were rain, she was hurricane and I lacked testosterone.

>>9317391
>>9317391
The parallelism in the third line is awkward, as is the alliteration in "bottom bunk" and the rhyming of "rain" and "hurricane." In terms of word choice, "lacking courage" and "having a boyfriend" are not parallels in the same way that "gawky" and "gorgeous" and "hopelessly boring" and "endlessly fascinating," which leads to a sense of imbalance in the sentence.

I wanted her. Not fuck. Not sex. Just sleep. Together.
She was gorgeous. And I was boring. So I walked.

>>9317391

leled hard at the end, i wouldnt touch this thing, perfect transition from funny-cringey to uproarious

>I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and fall asleep. I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, wishing I were dead.

>>9318235
Best answer

'lie down with her' (?); beta as fuck urge. Could have turned bad but wait: I am not like that. turned to loath loitering back to my room from the living's; I am such a C U CK

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was soggy Cheerios and she was freshly toasted Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

>>9318247
scratch that >>9318237 we got a winner here

>>9317391

>I wanted to have sex with her, but I was instructed by decades of romantic comedies not to. I must worship to love, I am garbage. Anything else is harsher than my loneliness.

>>9318247
lel

>>9318259
this one hit too close to home

I want to lie down with my waifu so badly I can't breath. If only I could flatten these disgusting 3D arms and embrace her while she pretends to sleep.

... someone finish this, I got to go

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her, my poem by Anon

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her
On the couch.

Not fuck, like in those movies
Instead just have a couple smoothies (innocence)

Instead I CROUCH
into my room

Doom and gloom
We have a bunk bed because my penis doesn't work so we might as well sleep separately

>>9318269
where you goin man we having fun

>>9317391
** "I wanted so badly to FUCK you,
>that's all I wanted to do, I wanted to FUCK you, I wanted to EAT you on the couch, I wanted to eat your PUSSY, Not even sleep together like in those movies
>I wanted to SUCK your CLIT up between my teeth, but you have a boyfriend.
>YUM-YUM, ooohhhhh, YUMMY IN MY TUMMY, in the most innocent sense of the phrase
>I wanted to put you in the cage... and get the oven hot... and feel your CUNT...
>your plump CUNT... and when it was plump enough to eat... to eat... EAT."

>I wanted to lie down next to her, and cuddle, like what I imagine love would be like. But she didn't love me, and that was a fact. The self pity compelled me to masturbate in my bottom bunk.

>>9318235
Raymond Carver Jr.?

I wanted to lie next to her on the couch, wrap my arms around her, sleep together, innocent. But I wasn't willing to risk what we had... which felt, as insomnia stretched the wasted hours alone in my bedroom, in my cowardice, more and more like nothing.

>>9318281
I wanted to grab you and make you mine. Since I couldn't do that, I would do it the romantic way. Let you partake in my emptiness, in my emotonal instability and my needy, but arrogant personality. A few weeks of that, a few months, your soul would be drained of all it's vitality, every bit of enthusiams you once had would be gone. You would be my sad little bag of pathetic flesh, you would be mine.
And you would cry and tell me I'm so distant and I would console you and look at you with sad eyes and hug you, but in a way that expresses a deep-seated, evil sense of superiority and lust for control. And slowly but surely I would increase the pressure on you, make you feel bad about yourself, mention that the intensity of our relationship was too much for me and that I would maybe have to leave, and that I was sorry.
But what I wouldn't admit to you, not even to myself, is that all of it would express my desire to have power over you. And boy, I would get it eventually.
Instead, I went back to my room and masturbated to the kind of porn you'd be embarrassed to describe even in a work of fiction. Maybe that was best for everyone involved.

File: 1482466316255.gif (2MB, 400x214px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 400x214px

>>9318312

File: 1483426081885.jpg (6KB, 220x229px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 220x229px

I ironically wrote up a really terrible one as a joke because I couldn't write a good one if I tried

File: 1456506674001.png (24KB, 400x400px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 400x400px

Good thread

>>9318247
>'lie down with her' (?): an urge. Could turn bad but wait: I am not like that. Turned to loath loitering back to my room from the living's instead; I am beta as fuck.

fix'd

>>9317391
JESUS CHRIST THIS IS SO FUCKING BAD I JUST WOKE UP AND I HAD TO SEE THIS UFCK YOU

File: 1327966149029.png (14KB, 376x260px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 376x260px

>>9317391
How cancerous

>>9317391
Desire lying, not fuck sex, just lying like film, but she has boy and me gawky she attractive, so I'm a dick pissing and she's a burst sewer pipe

>>9317391
Does Jon Green think he's profound? He's such a mediocre talentless idiot

>>9317391
I wanted to lay down next to her on the couch and cuddle with her until we both fell asleep in each others arms. It wasn't even about sex, I didn't even want to think about sex anymore. I just wanted to be close to her, and to feel something from somebody. But when I thought about what she was, and about what I was, the difference was so big it made me imagine stabbing myself in the gut with a steak knife out of the shame of having ever even imagined it. I didn't want to think about it anymore.

So I went back into my room and got in bed and closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing until I fell asleep.

>>9317406
Did you mean Kiefer Sutherland?

"I'm Agent Jack Bauer. This is the longest day of my life. My wife and mistress have the same face and haircut."

>Omit everything except:
"I wanted so badly to fuck the hurricane."

File: i cant breath.gif (979KB, 500x280px) Image search: [Google]

979KB, 500x280px

>>9318269
I wanted to lie down with my pure waifu so badly I could hardly breath. If only I could flatten these disgusting 3D arms and embrace her while she pretends to sleep. Not sleep, like in those movies. Not even have a nap. Just smell her while she tries awkwardly not to notice, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the katana and she was so tsundere and I was baka and she was kawaii and I was hopelessly autistic and she was endlessly sugoi. So I walked back to my computer and watched a 3 second .gif of her for 5 hours, thinking that if anime were real, she would be a normie and I would be a feel.

>>9317391
Replace sleep with watch her get fucked by a black man

I don't like this loser he's prattling on with. I write my own version:

I wanted dearly to wrap my arms around her breast, caressing, touching, feeling. To know her friendship, to understand her depths, to feed off of her jealousy, to secrete her understanding. I want to be one with her, to give her form and shape, to erase her fears, to see to her highest hopes, to be the god protecting her soul.

Well, that was intelligible, I think. Writing is kind of hard, man.

>>9317391
>I wanted to sleep next to her. I imagined embracing her, feeling our contours interlock. Instead, I returned to my room and sat on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands and wept.

>>9320333
>I wanted dearly to wrap my arms around her breast, caressing, touching, feeling.

Creepy – especially when the next thing said concerns friendship.

>>9320333
>to feed off of her jealousy
Creepier still

>>9320333
>secrete her understanding
Like pus from a spot?

>I want to be one with her
Okay, cool...

>to give her form and shape, to erase her fears, to see to her highest hopes, to be the god protecting her soul.

...Oh. You meant you wanted her to conform to you; you wanted a mannikin, a foil. Less cool.

>I wanted badly lie down silently next to her and tie her up, slowly at first until she awakens, and then with masculine force once she tries to resist. Then what I do next I wouldn't even call fucking like in those movies. It couldn't be in the same category as sex. Just animalistic instinct and brutal emotion. But I knew that she would tell people about it and I would go to prison and she had too many connections and I didn't want to go to prison and her friends would kick my ass and I didn't want that. So I went back to the bottom bunk, thinking that I would be a serial killer or rapist if I knew I could get away with it.

>>9320364
Creepy, yeah, so? I finished that thing in two seconds. Don't be so harsh man. I mean, the John Green passage has love from afar as a theme, which is not something that would ever happen to me, but, well, perhaps one could imagine a scenario where this might happen. This is fiction, after all.

And secrete, like an odor, or rather to give off a certain vibe. As in, if you understand something, your outward expression will always contain that understanding, hence the metaphor.

Also your last sentence about manikins shows you don't know the first thing concerning women, hence your qualifications about creepiness are probably stupid. I don't understand women either, but at least I know this one thing!

>>9317518
>gave the bars of the top bunk a show
what did anon mean by this

>>9317518
I like the last line. The just sleep line should be changed

>>9317391

I craved intimacy, but found myself incapable.

>>9318754

>just woke up
>returned to the marvel and wonder of the universe that is consciousness
>sun shining high in the sky, birds singing joyfully
>another day of opportunities and relentless vitality in the prime of your youth
>goes on 4chan immediately

You deserve your fate.

>>9317401
So hot please marry me

- girl

Pls read sleeping beauty by anne rice vol 1

>>9320413
>at least I know this one thing!
What thing? You never made it clear.

>>9320364

The character is creepy. That's an honest monologue.

>>9320482
That women are manikins, and easily manipulable, because they are an inferior species. Their will is made to be bent by men. Schopenhauer and Nietzsche both remarked as such, IIRC. So I am just following the natural trend, you see, or trying to at least. When they speak out against mankind, against men, it is a disease of logic caused by fear. They don't want what they say they want, they want to placate the masses and feel good about themselves, or just don't like and want danger of any sort, ignoring the fact that without it their children would end up manikins as well.

>>9318214
It's sucks tbqh.

>>9320569
Now I see why it was so creepy. Enjoy your life of loneliness.

>>9320426
Masturbation

>>9320608
I am teh dark prince! Loneliness is my home, my hearse. I feed off of the energy of the damned, on gods that are on their way, on sentient beasts that demand pleasure, on all that gives its way to death.

>>9320608
kys

>>9322025
Actually, I unironically think that's what you'll be doing in your 40s. Pretty easy to be lonely when you populate the world with objects instead of persons.

shouldn't there be an 'a' before hurricaine

>>9322352
No, because Art.

>>9322348
You should kys for assuming other people are real and not neural networks made to observe you.

Dear RC Cola,

I wanna fuck lasagna.

>>9322357
Well I don't agree with that sentiment.

There, I've discovered what should be changed. pack you bags, boys.

>>9317526
How was that grammatically incorrect, you mong?

John Green is a fucking hack, he doesn't belong on /lit/.

>>9322367
>people are not neural networks
>neural networks are not real
What did he mean by this?

Also, if other people aren't real then I for sure aren't. So why kms? I'll just coast over oblivion like the other nothings.

This is the sort of stuff I wrote when I was 14 for the word count. I think I would be embarassed to hand in "not fuck, like in those movies" even at 14.

Who reads a passage like this and greenlights it? I get this is a cherry picked example but is there a group of sappy 14 year old girls on staff at the publishers?

"WHY DONT NICE GUYS EVER GET THE GIRL REEEEE"

Unironically, I like the part about rain. Don't know what's wrong about it.

>>9322451
desu only good part

That paragraph comes from the soul of the eternal beta who just wants to hold hands and be held and worship women to the extreme instead of being with the soul of the eternal alpha who ignores everything she wants and fucks her hard

>>9322459
But isn't he married, anon?

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! I so need a cute girl my age.

>>9322477
Hi JAcob

>>9322465
beta nu males can get married.
Thats the premise of cuck porn.

File: dream_5f350c78b4.jpg (138KB, 511x800px) Image search: [Google]

138KB, 511x800px

>>9317391
I actually don't feel like that passage is that bad. It feels like a fairly genuine stream of consciousness put into words. Guess I am a pleb.

>>9322530
>genuine stream of consciousness
>i was piss, she was hurricane

>>9317391
I wanted to sleep with her- just sleep, mind. But as it was, and as it may be, I slept alone, and far more carnally at that.

>>9317391
This is unironically a piece of shit. Unfixable.

File: my sides.jpg (247KB, 1976x1984px) Image search: [Google]

247KB, 1976x1984px

>>9320208
>she would be normie and i would be a feel

>>9317391
>Ctrl-A
>Delete
>Caps lock
>Proper indentation
>Meme arrows for style
>BORN ON A MOUNTAIN
>RAISED IN A CAVE
>TRUCKIN' AND FUCKIN'
>IS ALL I CRAVE

>>9324444
>4444
holy FUCK me SILLY

I wanted to lie down next to her and sleep. But I am in a strait. I walked to the bathroom, into the bathtub, wishing to be dissolved.

Why does John Green's prose read like some girl's Tumblr blog?

>>9324444
kek

File: rupigreen.png (35KB, 597x595px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 597x595px

>>9317391

>I wanted to rape her because I'm not a beta cuck and I needed to rape her badly.

Haha, how'd I do? Bretty funny right?

>>9324444
Exquisite.

>>9324569
this is genius

>>9317612

third person narration is a meme

>>9324818
>>>/out/

Sleeping with girls is the most annoying and uncomfortable shit and men tolerate it, like anything women say or do in general, only because it's the price of having sex with them.
I wouldn't expect a faggot like John Green to understand that, though.

>>9317443

this excerpt is not bad, and this thread has yet to prove otherwise because you guys can't even offer one (1) improved example. I guess reading a bunch of stale classics has been entirely pointless...

>>9324534
you know why

Ctrl + a
del

>>9317391
How's this?
"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her, to wrap my arms around her, just to fall asleep beside her. But she had someone else, and I was a weird nobody, going nowhere. I could never be good for Alaska, people that amazing and fascinating could never love someone like me. I walked back to my room and cried myself to sleep."

File: 1428135226387.jpg (17KB, 268x284px) Image search: [Google]

17KB, 268x284px

>>9318829

I wanted to sleep, her beside me. Never did -- she being the morning starlight; I -- the star hidden in her radiance. I collapsed myself on the floor, next to a bed. Closer to hell I couldn't have come.

File: 1490674978221.jpg (141KB, 700x700px) Image search: [Google]

141KB, 700x700px

>>9318312
Stop