What's on your mind.

I'm really bad at math

>>9144767
Gawwwwwthic

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I'll cry during my adult life
I can only see one thing happening that would makes me cry: the death of my dad
My apathy has really gone too far

>>9144769
The only way to improve, as much as you don't want to, is by practicing. Trust me.

>>9144767
Just life and shit, you know

Holy shit, writing a novel is retardedly difficult.

>>9144775
I cannot believe they still haven't made a standalone version available

It honestly just makes no sense at all

Oh how I miss my first time in Prague. Wandering through the foreign and unknown streets, never without a slight buzz caused by dark beer which I discovered my liking for over there. Cheap beer it was too. Those streets of cobblestone and the wonderful whitewashed walls of the Strahov. My hotels were alsways nicer after that, but that first one had a certain run-down charm. The girls all were slavic beauties and the summer was still not fall. And that hope of getting her returning still kept me alive.

I wish it wasn't my birthday

>>9146304
Happy birthday if it really is. My birthday is one of two days I have guaranteed suicidal thoughts each year. So don't worry, the day will pass.

>>9146304
My birthday is almost exactly one month away and I'm dreading it

save me

>>9145793
feel you
working on a longish (40 pages or more) poem and its weird

>>9144769
You're not alone, brah. I'm about to finish my STEM degree and my math skills are getting worse and worse. I'm afraid I may not be qualified to work as a scientist.

>>9146304
Happy Birthday, anon. Cheer up!

>>9144778
Same anon. But is there any way out?

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help me out /lit/

so i've never been much of a reader

i started this year by reading some goethe and books i had left from school

after reading the stranger i got interested in philosophy and got me some works by camus and other authors

but i dont understand anything at all, i cant even remember the page ive just read

will it get better? or am i just retarded and should quit

>>9146792
It'll get better. Philosophy is hard to grasp in general and you should definitely approach it only after you've had your fair share of books.

I'm 21 and a literal. 1/10. Imagine a walking baby except horseshoe bald. Twenty one years young. I've developed semantic satiation from "It's not fair" "Why"

I'm going to go my entire life without friends or relationships because I'm ugly, small, started balding at 14, concurrently introverted

“This singularity of meaning--I was my face, I was ugliness--though sometimes unbearable,
also offered a possible point of escape. It became the launching pad from which to lift off,
the one immediately recognizable place to point to when asked what was wrong with my life.
Everything led to it, everything receded from it--my face as personal vanishing point.”

My prostate hurts and it gets me really horny.

>>9145793
It really helps if you can shit it out over a small period of time, dedicating 4-8 hours a day to it. Of course, then you have revising and rewriting to do, but at least you'll have something.
t. guy who wrote 60k words in a month

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>“Humor won’t save you; it doesn’t really do anything at all. You can look at life ironically for years, maybe decades; there are people who seem to go through most of their lives seeing the funny side, but in the end, life always breaks your heart. Doesn’t matter how brave you are, or how reserved, or how much you’ve developed a sense of humor, you still end up with your heart broken. That’s when you stop laughing. In the end there’s just the cold, the silence and the loneliness.

>>9146819
Maybe you will find peace in the knowledge that being taller and somewhat better looking doesn't necessarily help at all

Have you read Sartre? I haven't, he was about five feet tall and by his own admission the ugliest man he or anyone else had ever seen though so maybe he has something enlightening to say on the subject

I wish I didn't have to do a PhD just to meet like-minded people. I don't want to work at a university I just want to chat.

>>9146819
You could start wearing diapers and going to bdsm conventions. There's always at least one adult baby and he usually gets some action

I'm overwhelmed by college. I don't have time to do anything I used to do in my past time. I spend 80% of my time on studying. I forced myself to lurk /lit/ so I can pick up a hobby to calm my mind. But every recommendation feels like someone is trying to fuck me over, getting me to read something that not even the author understands. Where do I start? I've read The Stranger, Crime and Punishment, Metamorphosis and The Trial.

>>9146980
Read what interests you

You don't NEED reccs

fuck this pseud shit of reading just to one up people, read whatever you want

>>9146988
Yeah, I get that, but I don't know any authors besides the ones I read in high-school.

>>9144767

I quit porn and nicotine a week ago, and life is already measurably better.

>>9146980

Steinbeck bro, read some Steinbeck. Travels with Charley, Cannery Row, Sweet Thursday and Tortilla Flat are all comfy as fuck and great for unwinding. After those, move on to East of Eden and Grapes of Wrath.

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>>9146936
>always

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>>9147035
Thank you friend. A pepe for your troubles.

I have 1 week off until the next semester starts. I wonder if I should go to prague. Probably none of my friends will go but I went there alone already and I met a lot of people.

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Carli just set her videos to private lmao

/lit/ loses again

Thu 3:18 PM. That is, according to the clock on my Apple Macbook Pro. But what is "Time," anyway? And what is the entity that I allow to tell me what "Time" it is? Furthermore and moreover, what do these shallow consumer products that I engage in add to the life of one such as me? O Existence! My coffee is cold. Very meta.

I still miss my dad even though he died over a year ago.
I feel like its getting in the way of everything that I want to do and is breaking up all my plans for the future.

:(

>>9147130
Time is the fourth and final dimension that humans can perceive in our universe. It is defined by arbitrary units such as seconds and hours, and units based on astronomy such as years and days.

Hope that cleared things up.

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>>9147130

I'm really worked up about the women in my life. The ones I'd fuck, the ones I'd have a relationship with, the ones I simply interact with. I never really had problems with women but holy fuck it's been a rough 2 and a half months. Everything I say is somehow a veiled insult. Everything I do makes them angry.

Woman #1: When I ask if things are fine, she says yes. Then just a fucking hour later I hear she's angry, and I did it. Like fucking hell talk to me then

Woman #2: I talk to her on monday. We arrange a date. We talk on tuesday. We talk on wednesday. Everything's cool. I talk to her today. SHE'S FUCKING ANGRY ALSO. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY OR DO TO HURT YOU WOMAN

Woman #3: Fuck her twice, no strings attached. Comes over for the third time, suddenly found love with me. I really didn't needed this shit in my life. Why couldn't she tell me she's emotional and shit before we fucked like you a ho don't catch feelings my God

Woman #4: FOR WHAT REASON IS SHE GOSSIPING ABOUT ME NOW AFTER 4 YEARS OF KNOWING EACH OTHER

I can't read minds for fuck's sake. It's like 2017 is constant menstruation for women. I'm seriously fucked up over them.


>>9146846

I don't know about being able to write 4-8 hours a day (I'd just procrastrinate t b h), but writing fast and rewriting later helps a lot. A blank paper is my worst enemy.

>>9147204
Genuinely thought I wrote this

>>9147204
I hate you so much

>UHHHH I HAVE LIKE 4 BIRDS IM FUCKING AND THEY GET A LITTLE PISSY SOMETIMES, GOD!!


need to flay you alive for this bullshit

>>9147246

Bitch I'm fucking #3 and I'm trying to have something serious with #2.
#1 and #4 are friends.
It's not my fault I hurt your permavirgin asocial person, you fucking neckbeard. Take a shower and go out. Talking to 4 (FOUR) women is not an impossible feat. Triggered cunt.

>>9147204
hint you fucking retard

they all probably like you and want to fuck you, girls are histrionic and like conflict, they ENJOY fighting, you see them like men and think theyre genuinely upset when they're just playing games and are most likely wet for you

>gossiping about you

this is a good sign, shes in love with you

try not even being perceptible in the 3rd dimension to women for your entire life then get back to me

>>9147260
>Take a shower and go out.
holy....i want more

>>9147204
thinking now this is a really good troll

>>9147204
youre fucking yourself mate.

they all got mad cause they found out you were dating, trying to holler at or fucking somebody else and/or youre not in it for the long run.

just tell them you are just interested in sex and nothing more and you are also having sex with multiple other people and have no intention of becoming exclusive. its also nearly certain you try to seduce women in the same social circles. be honest and up front about your intentions and who you are seeing.

>>9147276
its probably real, only dense motherfuckers like this ever get this lucky, probably a chad, chad-lite who legitimately believes the girls all fall over themselves for him because of his wit and charm

>>9147265

I just don't understand why they play these petty games. How can they enjoy it? What's the point? It might be a bad idea to seek logic in this shit but it's infuriating.
And I get that gossipping about someone is a "good" sign, I just don't understand why now. I talked to other women in those 4 years we've known each other and she was never jealous.

>>9147287

#1, #2 and #4 are in the same social circle. They couldn't possibly know about #3 unless they looked into my phone. I don't think they had a chance to do that.
I'm only interested #2 and I made sure she knows that. I've never saw anything but a friendly interest from #1 and #4.
As for #3, we agreed that it's just sex. She wasn't even that enthusiastic about it.


>>9147308
Fuck you. Or thank you. Both.

>>9146792
Don't keep reading if you didn't understand the previous page. Go back and reread until you've at least got a basic idea of what the author wants to say, then you can turn the page to the next one.

So I have this mild form of hernia umbilicalis (where some part of belly button has pushed through my abs) and as I press this down

and massage my stomach, deep, real hard, it is a stabbing like pain and I feel like "clonks and clanks" there? Like what the fuck, like I'm pushing squares through square shapes like in that kid's test, and they make a loud fucking nouse

and after I stop massaging the stomach the stabbing pain goes away and it feels good


and they let out massive, 20-30 second long farts and it keeps happening

what the fuck

also thinking about liquidating my assets RIGHT NOW (other than my liquid shit about to income) and moving to USA from Euproe

also if I should do hard sixes or just 10-15 reps on bench press and row tomorrow tbhqhyjwy

>>9147397
Also why does it hurt my leg when I push my stomach what the fuck guys?

>>9147367
>I just don't understand why they play these petty games. How can they enjoy it? What's the point?

Read this:
https://web.archive.org/web/20150207204820/http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/08/love_the_way_you_lie_with_me.html

>>9147397
lol

The description of the just man in book 2 of The Republic is eerily Christ-like.

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hs senior awaiting university desicions

I'm completely paralyzed by analysis. I am in the comfort of knowing that there is not much I can do but enjoy the last bits of highschool left, but I also think at the same time by doing nothing I am not preparing myself for college. I feel obligated to try and get a headstart on what I believe I'll be learning in college, while finishing up highschool. The result is me staying home from school nearly every day, too anxious to even go back, and instead sitting at home pretending to learn python and mathematics. Also the thought of leaving gf and friends behind in a matter of months is horrifying. This is constantly brought to my attention as I compete in debate tournaments at universities across the country so I'm literally always looking at colleges, and that sends me down a path of weighing variables of different situations and different programs against eachother if I get into each school.

Does this end?

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I can't get over the way I look

>>9148423
>>>/fit/

>>9146689
I think that its easy to sink into apathy since it only requires a lack of action or communication. Once you become out of touch with those threads who attach you to society you lose the care once had for the weave of civilization. Life, time, events, they all flow past and around you but they no longer touch you. Doomed to drift alone forever, like a earth-chained soul. But, unlike the dead, you can still come back to the fold. There are still people to meet and suffer for in an endless oscilation between pain and pleasure. You can still rejoin what you walked away from. Question is, is it really worth it?

I think I'm gonna become a buddhist monk. Apathy is the ultimate mindset; Impermeneance and transience are the only true laws of the universe.

>>9148423
Unless you want the sex, no one cares about your looks. Its all about personality. Fat, short, ugly, stinky, dirty, it doesn't matter. People are only put off by undersirable guests. If you're following social customs and are not boring you should be fine.

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I've received a string of encouraging rejections of my material, both short stories and novel. Rejections saying that the magazine or the agent were intrigued and interested by my work, but couldn't quite sign off on it.

I feel like I'm close. I'm on the verge of turning the corner and bursting out into grandeur and glory as a writer. I hope I am, anyway. I do love to write, and I do love to write for its own sake, but I desperately want to be great, too. I crave renown. I want glory as a writer. Maybe it's wrong to think this way, but I can't help it. I want to tower over this age as its greatest writer. I know I've got the talent. I just need the chance.

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I only have a vague idea of my future. I'm insanely in love with philosophy, but I know it won't make me any money and I don't want to disappoint my parents. Every time a 'Majors Tier List' or similar thread pops up on 4chan I obsessively check it over every 30 minutes.

I just can't be a Finance major anymore lads, I think I'm just gonna take the plunge.

>>9146304
Happy birthday you filthy faggot.

Two ways to interpret "What is on your mind?"

What is on your mind the very moment you type this, or what has been on your mind lately?

The very moment would be me desiring to impart something honest and interesting about my current experience. Searching for ways to describe what I feel about things that are translatable and coherent. Lacking that capacity, I fall into a feeback loop of the recognition of my intention and the inability to draw anything from the content of my experience compounded by the desire to search for something interesting to say.

But forget all that.
I am currently wondering how to reconcile the feeling of "home" with more lofty metaphysical ideas that seem to, as i feel it, eviscerate all sense of 'homeliness' to reality.

I am wondering what exactly "God's back patio" looks like, what the view is. I wonder what pictures hang on the wall, what paintings, what furnishings. I get a "cold" feeling often when I enter into metaphysical inquiry, and I want to re-establish a sense of reference, belonging, a center that is not abstract but concrete, the way a house is concrete, and its humble garden, and the birds that visit.

I find that Finnegans Wake is a nice bridge between the metaphysical and the human(e). For me anyways. I'd like to explore that kind of thinking more.

>>9149756
goddamn you apathy has nothing to do with buddhism, don't take your damn buddhism from schopenhauer

...


my mind is blank all the time, i don't feel any strong emotions except anger, ive been getting constant headaches for a year that feel like fuses are blowing in my brain sharp needling pains and pressure sensations and it also fucks up my ability to concentrate or think about anything or articulate myself. i screwed up my knees (patella femoral syndrome) doing deadlifts while i worked road construction to pay for my useless english degree so i cant exercise and its taking forever to recover. i feel like im getting a preview of what its like to be old, your mind and body falling apart at the same time

wouldn't have done anything differently though

>>9148268
>Does this end?

yeah, life goes on. Unless the gf's the one and you're fucking up, you will look back on your current stresses with wistful indulgence. and noone ever accomplished anything by hanging out with thier boyhood friends forever

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>>9148268
Just don't go to college, period
It's a scam intended to make you another subservient, indebted member of the "labor force"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Hkov3QcCpQ

>>9147749
If I want to read the Greeks, can I start with the Republic, or is not a good place to begin?

Women are extremely confusing and I'm too autistic to deal with it.

>>9148268
College Freshman here. Don't feel worried about getting a head start on your classes, you won't be doing much first semester anyway, or second semester really unless you're very proactive and motivated and get a job or something.

The biggest adjustments you'll need to prepare for have nothing to do with schooling, it'll be trying to cope with all the freedom you'll have. It sounds obvious to point out how you're gonna have to buy your own food, do your own laundry, etc., but it honestly takes some time until running your own life feels like a natural thing.

As for the girlfriend/friends thing, that's gonna be rough, assuming you're going someplace different from them. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, the first few months away from home are painfully lonely, because you'll be stuck in this limbo of trying to establish connections with new people, but this time without any of that social safety net of friends and family that you've had growing up.

Despite all this, there are two things I can promise you:

1) Worrying about college now is pointless, let go of that burden because there's nothing you can really do to prepare for it.

2) When you get there and start feeling lonely/depressed/etc., just remember that *everyone* around you is feeling the same things too, to some extent, all the way up to the Seniors.

So just enjoy the time you have with friends now, and try to pick out the friends who'll be worth keeping in touch with, the people you can talk to when you're feeling vulnerable. Because just like you, they'll also be in need of friends come Fall.

>>9149910
Then don't deal with them on the level you think you need to "deal" with them. You can always deal with anyone on whatever level you feel is comfortable and honest. Besides at work. Just avoid women at work.

I really can't believe I have to fucking pay for education. I literally fucked my life getting a loan.

>>9150162
Society is not your friend.
It pushes debt onto us before we've have the time or inclination to learn about how their fucked up game works.
Don't feel lonely in that boat.

>>9144767

My existentialism essay. Would anyone be open to leaving a throwaway email and giving me their thoughts/ critiquing it please?

>>9150168
Thanks, I needed to hear/read something like that.

>>9146980
All of those books have a context, both historical and ideological, you won't be able to digest the books unless this contextual framework is already in place in your mind.
Start from where you are, and work backwards. I don't mean where you are historically, I mean philosophically, where are you? What are your crises that are personally relevant to you?
Look for this literature first; the stuff that is relevant to you on some existential level, and after that you can continue reading and expand into other things, eventually reading for semantic/dialectical/historical context alone, which you will now be able to digest since you have gotten a foothold in your own philosophical situation rather than treating philosophy as an arbitrary collection of factoids and figures with which one must acquaint himself before proceeding to a more comprehensive view.
In the sciences it works that way, but philosophy is different (in that philosophy is the queen of the sciences).

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>>9150199
[email protected]
https://pgp.mit.edu/pks/lookup?op=get&search=0xD67A96B73C0DAB0E
Fucking hit me senpai.

>>9150374

Cheers, sent.

Am all out of beer and splitting headache prevents me from getting more.

>>9149765
I'm boring as fuck, what do?

>>9149907
No it's a terrible starting point, start with the dialogues about the Trial of Socrates.

>>9144767
that i live in prague my whole life and not really give a shit about it but when someone posts about it I feel weirdly proud, even patriotic

>>9150712
That's normal I think

Not really caring either way about the place you live or come from until someone else praises or insults it

>>9150712
thats what i said

>>9147054
He never mentions Of mice and men which is one of Steinbeck's most famous works and is probably where you should start off.

My prostate hurts and I hope it's something really bad, like cancer. I want to die.

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Is Irony still cool? If you say something by saying the opposite, does that make you less self-aware than confronting a truth w/out embellishment?

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>>9152653
Cute duckies. But to answer your question, yes, irony and satire are "in." See: the popularity of Stephen Colbert and Jon whatever his last name is. Also those memes where the filters are ridiculously exaggerated.

>>9144767
Someone asked me what my proudest accomplishment was. I couldn't tell him (lol "professionalism") but I wanna tell you guys since... I don't know? I guess it's one of the few genuine accomplishments I've made in my life that I feel really good about.

When I was young I was broke and dumb and wanted to travel so I bought a cargo van, gutted it, and made an impromptu camper van. I'd drive where I wanted, stopped where I wanted, and worked when I had to. This spanned over several years and had the time of my life.

About two years in I got bored. You can only wander aimlessly for so long, I guess. Until I picked up, uh, we'll call her "The Woman".

Confession time -- I picked up hitchhikers. Most were harmless, and my rationale was that if they're so desperate they're willing to enter an unmarked white van then they must really need it. Anyways, The Woman.

The moment I saw her I noticed she was missing her shoes. I'm not sure why that bothered me so much, but it really did. Maybe it's because the roads were hot or something. I don't know.

Anyways, I picked her up. She thanked me and immediately asked for water. I said sure, handed her my thermos and she drank the whole thing. I (jokingly) said it must've been days since she last drank. She nodded in agreement.

So at this point I'm noticing her clothes are muddy, her skin has sunburn and she's overall not doing that great. I asked her how many days. Three.

I am shitting my fucking pants. One of the things they teach you in scouts is the rules of three. Three weeks without food, three minutes without air, and three days without water. Whatever's happening is bad.

I characteristically skirt around the issue like a fucking firetruck. She clams up, whatever, I ask where she wants to go and she said at least til out of state. That's fine, there's dick to do here anyways.

So we go, we make idle chitchat, point out anything that isn't a cornfield or a fucking cracker barrel. We get along pretty well. Then she fucking BREAKS I mean she just starts sobbing and I ask what's wrong.

So she tells me this whole fuckin story, dude. I'm omitting some facts but basically her family are a bunch of creepy Amish fucks that were more or less keeping her hostage in this compound. She ended up arguing with her parents, they had a shouting match and they told her if they didn't like it to just go. So she did.

I'm dead silent because, I mean, that's a lot to process. You hear fucked up stories from gutter punks but this is just different. This woman has little to no education, I don't even know if she has a birth certificate, it's a lot.

But I knew if I just ditch her she would die. She would fucking die and it would be my fault. So I, again, subtlety of a firetruck, tell her no I'm not mad. That her parents were shitty people and she was lucky enough to get away.

Part one holy shit this is so fucking long sorry

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I'm going to have coffee with a really nice girl, and I'm terrified because I am seriously like a 2016-era Houellebecq-looking motherfucker, except completely unintentionally and unironically

Even if it's only platonic, I still feel downright bad that I'm going to show up "doing my best," and "my best" is going to be homeless man rags and autism cranked up to 11, while she looks nice as fuck and is all-around pleasant and put-together

I'm happy with myself as long as I don't have to be inflicting it on others

>>9153087
I told her about myself and what I do, or, well, don't do. That I travel basically, and that I'm bored. If she wanted to she can travel with me and we can cross off whatever she's got on her bucket list.

Then I had to explain what a bucket list is. So she kinda just sat there for a while. I drove, and she perks up says she always wanted to go on a rollercoaster.

This is roughly how I met The Woman.

So, hey, rollercoasters -- that's easy as shit. I whip out my phone to find out where the nearest six flags is.

She freaks. Turns out when you're living in a regressionist compound you don't see many smart phones, who knew.

The proceeding four hours were spent on cat videos. She asked me who's cats they were, like, shit, how would I know? I'm not the cat police. Get it together.

I drove mostly, me being the cool guy I am I mostly just said nothing. We did eventually make it to six flags, had a great time. She barfed a lot, I barfed a lot. Got to introduce her to fair food (her favorite was the bear claw) and we even got a hat which she still has to this day.

That's more or less how we spent the better part of two years! We'd travel, pick something new to try, and just kept going and again. Eating contests, fireworks shows, concerts, whatever.

We even managed to straighten out her education. She's in community college and doing fine now.

There isn't really an end to this. I never wanted kids, but she's probably the closest thing I'll ever have. Words can't express how proud I am of her and how lucky I am to have met her.

BUT Y'KNOW THE WHOLE HOMELESS VAGABOND THING DOESN'T FLY WITH MY COWORKERS SO HERE WE FUCKIN ARE jesus christ

>>9153107
If she agreed to go to coffee with you, then she likes you and is willing to try this out for one reason or another, you're not 'inflicting yourself' on anyone. Either you're better looking than you think, or you've got an attractive personality strong enough to make her overlook your flaws, probably a mixture of both.

Just show up and be the person she agreed to go with, and realize she's probably nervous too.

>>9153087
>>9153158
This story is really sweet anon, and I like your writing, anything else you remember?

Also did u fugg

>>9153158
That's a fictional story right?

>"You know you can use the self check out instead so you don't have to wait in line."

>Yes I know I can use self check out but I haven't left my room or talked to anyone one in three weeks, and I'd like to exchange meaningless pleasantries.

>"Thank you and have a very nice day."

I stopped watching professional porn and now I fap only to amateur pics of real women. The orgasm are way better.

I'm bored and lonely on Friday night once again, so here I am on 4chan, the closest thing I have to meaningful human connection. Heh..

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. This is gonna sound stupid, but, tomorrow is my aunt's service (she sadly passed away) and I've been stressed with school, too. Also, I dance to Cumbia (it's a type of Latin American music) every other day as a way to exercise myself and to embrace my Hispanic roots (so, I guess you could call it a spiritual thing, oh I don't know). And it's just that I've recently had this sort of bad streak (it's when I usually do bad/mediocre on my dancing for a little while) thing with my dancing to cumbia. I presently feel disappointed in myself for that same, very reason. I feel like I can do better, it's just that for some stupid reason I can't reach to my fullest potential! I feel somewhat frustrated as well. I may be just overreacting, but I want to get in to dancing professionally. As such, my dancing means a lot to me. Does anybody else feel the same? Can other dancers relate? Can anybody tell me why? Please tell me what you guys think about all this. Thank you for reading my venting. I really appreciate it.

>>9144767
I fear that Death is the end of all but then end up thinking that being alive eternally may be boring but then I think that my consciousness popping like a bubble sounds awful.

I want to believe in God and the afterlife, really hard. I want to stop thinking stuff so fucking much, it just makes me sad and ruins my relationships.

>>9154174
Same here, anything you're reading or want to talk about?

>>9154174
Never had a meaningful relationship in my 24 years of life. People say college is the best time, and now mine is gone.

Moved to a new city and I have no idea how to talk to people, make friends, find qt gfs or interact with humans. I have no idea what people my own age do for fun.

>>9154375
If you think eternal life would be boring, you have a very poor conception of eternity.

>>9144767
I'm happy to have clicked on this board. After having seen the worst 4chan has to offer, it's nice to see anonymity in a more positive light.

Why do people still get married /lit/?

It's never really a success is it? Sometimes it merely "works out" and those other times it's a big ugly failure spreading destruction in its wake

Is it financial reasons? If so I will have irreconcilable hatred for our society and governments for manipulating people this way

Is it just something to sooth emotional dilemmas in the human mind?
Is it for the sake of reproduction? to make it seem noble or moral?
Is it for religious folly? political folly? cultural folly?

No matter what it is or is not all I know is that it's a cruel joke that this concept was ever introduced to human beings

>>9154617
Fuck off.

>>9154621

touchy subject I guess

>>9144767
Imagining the taste of breast milk from a very young mother.
Am I disturbed?

>>9154617
its a gesture, like killing the life of a beautiful flower for a woman you love.
like giving up 2 months of your life, in payment for a diamond ring for her
its a gesture that you love the woman so much you wont think of other in this life

>>9154718
>Am I disturbed?
haha omg so weirdxd
kysfaggot

>>9154597
I had already thought of that, yes. I have a bad conception of eternity and everything that it conveys. Same with infinity and nothingness. I'm an ignorant fuck.

>>9154602
I'm guessing you started with /b/? Most people do, or used to, at least.

>>9154718

Sounds hot.

Too bad I'm too incompetent to ever get a woman with child.

>>9154617
>Sometimes it merely "works out" and those other times it's a big ugly failure spreading destruction in its wake
It's because people like you(read: most people it seems, considering the statistics of divorce) go into it without understanding the concept, or simply have a weak character. If it's the latter, I can't help you.
You have to understand that most of the basis for our Western, Christian monogamist conception of marriage is acknowledging the Biblical concept of a love that is a choice, not an emotion. Marriage is willingly devoting your life to another human being you decide to share this existence with, it's making an oath to love them(as you would yourself) regardless of the whims of emotion. It is a rational decision more so than an emotional one, it's a resolution that, no matter how you feel about it 20 years from now, you are devoting yourself. And, believe it or not, it works. You end up loving(in the more common sense) them all the more because of that devotion. If both partners understand this, they will be happy together. It's funny how it works, you love(again, in the usual sense) people more not for what they've done for you, but what you've done for them.
All the facebook-tier pictures with old couples and something along the lines of "we used to fix broken things instead of throwing them away" seem a pretty accurate description of the issue to me.

>>9144767
Hoping Europe is one day set free from American occupation and fulfills her Faustian destiny of absolute global imperium like Spengler promised.

>>9155081
Don't worry, it's happening already.
United European State soon(tm).

>>9155072
Great post sir.

>>9155072
So you don't love your partner. You love the idea of marriage, the idea of faith, or faith itself. I'm sad after reading your post man.

Here I am, confined in an apartment in northern Thailand with some kind of stomach virus. And all the while I can't help feeling sad, excruciatingly sad. All the tears renuent the past few months arrive now in free flow. I feel young again. I come to think of my Ma and my ex-girlfriend and how tragic relationships are and how helpless we are in most terms. The lack of affection to which I thought I had made myself invulnerable. So, crying after vomiting, vomiting after crying in the midst of this jungle. How did it come to this? Why the outburst? I was having such a great time up until recently. I wish I had a friendly face by my side, maybe a dog's; I could hug him and cry myself to sleep.

But sleep's elusive and silence weighs down on me.

>>9155182
You always love the 'idea' of your partner and what it represents to yourself (by Lacan), it's just more volatile and empty without the marriage.

>>9155182
Plus, the marriage is the atomic element of a society and family, it's not about teenage love.

>>9155110
>United European State soon(tm).

>he already forgot about Brexit

>>9155182
That's not true. I'm sorry to say you've misunderstood my post entirely. This oh, so radical notion of unconditional love is not intended to deny or replace the more conventional idea of romantic love. On the contrary, it seeks to amplify it. The love that you know fades, entirely inevitably. Understanding this is key. No old couple on the face of the Earth feels the same about their partner as you do. It's a much deeper kind of love - akin to the love that God, according to the Bible, has for man, distinguished in the New Testament with the Greek word 'agape' - in contrast with 'philia', brotherly love, and 'eros', erotic love. Sadly, the modern definition of love, as most understand it, is a mixture of the latter two, with a very strong emphasis on eros. A committed relationship gradually replaces romance with philia, as eros fades. The decision itself for life-long partnership and devotion is almost entirely based on agape, the love you choose, which is why it tends to fail. A secular society lacks the concept entirely, as evidenced in your posts.
>>9155275 is true, and it's why I believe our civilization is heading to its doom via the rapid, systemic devaluation of marriage we currently observe in the post-Christian West.

>>9155348
The love for God cannot be applied to human beings. That's why marriage is a failure. Human love is pure eros.

>>9146846
Can confirm.
t. gril (male) who wrote 80k words in 2.5 weeks

>>9147204
You just need to find the right study drug, if you don't want to procrastinate. Mine was estrogen, for example.

>>9155239
this is pretty fucking good.

>>9155362
>That's why marriage is a failure.
It isn't. Furthermore, as already stated, it's the cornerstone of society and civilization.
>Human love is pure eros.
If you genuinely believe this, I feel sorry for you, and I mean that very sincerely.
It seems you really haven't understood what I said. I don't think I can put it much more clearly than I have. Agape is a choice, not an emotion, and it in no way contradicts eros. Ironically, even the extent to which you can enjoy the pleasures of eros is greatly amplified by the effect applying agape to your relationship with a 'loved one' has on your psyche.
I recall C. S. Lewis explaining Christian marriage rather well in one of his writings.

To think our entire order of life is based on sex.. At the pace we're going, soon it will be. Your statement may well be prophetic.

>>9155287
Irrelevant.

>>9155419
Be honest: why do you want do know another person (woman)? Because of her physical appearance. Then there is the inner aspect. I can't love a girl that doesn't appeal me esthetically. I can love that I like both phisically and emotionally. I can't love someone I like phisically but not emotionally. But sexual aspect is ESSENTIAL.

>>9155445
Can you offer a girl total sexual satisfaction too?

>>9155445
* I can love a girl I like both phisically and emotionally
>>9155450
how is this related to what i said

>>9155445
>But sexual aspect is ESSENTIAL.
In a romantic relationship, yes, of course it is. I've said nothing to the contrary.

>>9155543
ok, so according to your view, you could marry a woman that doesn't attract you?

>>9146294
I know two friends who have lost their girlfriends after they went to Prague. Prague, man, sweet women spoiler.

>>9147393
this
i couldn't read marx's Capital because it was so hard, I literally had to read every page at least 3 times to understand. I read for an hour every day and read about 60 pages and had to return it to the library. Unlucky. It still felt like I read a whole book.

>>9147204
maybe they're all mad because they know you're seeing other women?

>>9155663
How do you mean lost them?

>>9154596
they hang out with all friends. you know, the ones you've known forever.

>>9144767
I forgot what used to motivate me and im cocnerned over superficial things now

>>9155865
ah to be a landlocked sovereign nation once again

>>9155947
what did he mean by this

>>9154363
At "I dance to cumbia", I was gone.

What kind of cumbia? Rombai kind, or villera? Why anyway? Why was it so important that you had to brought it up?Kek

>>9153245
New York City was great. Seeing her eyes light up as she wandered around was great. "DID YOU KNOW THEY JUST SELL HOT DOGS ON THE STREET!?"

She's a fuckin savant at carnival games. We spent a good chunk of the time on the road with a bunch of stuffed animals including one giant teddy bear that would shuffle around if we made hard stops.

She had this misconception brought on by her parents that the outside world was full of psychotic rapists and shit. She was pretty terrified until we actually got mugged. I think her words were 'it was just a guy with a gun I don't get what I was so worried about'(?)

She was semiliterate but I got to teach her some fundamentals. Mostly we just read a lot. Started on The Little Prince and ended on Siddhartha. KhanAcademy was a big help too.

There was a lot of stuff like that. Nah, we didn't. While we traveled I would've been taking advantage of her naivete, and if I were to now... I dunno. It'd be like sleeping with my little sister or something. Plus I have my own sexual hang ups.

In all honesty she started off with a very warped view of sex to begin with. She thought she got periods because god was angry at her. Explaining how tampons worked was a little awkward

>>9155627
Are you asking about me specifically?
Assuming you mean sexual attraction - I'd prefer not to, but theoretically, yes, I could. Why? What has it got to do with anything?

>>9156965
Because you referred to "romantic relationship" as something...inferior? I don't know.

>>9146792
philosophy is very difficult if you just start reading primary texts with no idea what the goal of the author is, or in which context he/she is writing it in.
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/camus/
here is the SEP entry on Camus, it will probably help to read that first.

>>9146870
what from?
>>9146980
find a hobby that is not mentally straining. something like a sport or a craft

I'm considering attending a church service tomorrow morning for the first time since I was a kid. I've moved away from home so this will be a big deal for me, I feel a little nervous. I'm going because I need a feeling of community and I used to enjoy the process when I went to church, despite never really believing in Christianity.

>>9144767
Lamenting the loss of England.

Wondering if the rest of my life will be defined by tension between love and irritation.

Kind of missing the days when I was miserable and single.

>>9157104
go to bed, EU

My entire life is being based around these exams coming up. Why can I still not give myself the motivation to revise?

>>9157104

Which England?

>>9144767
world is fucking shit. this girl i like started talking to me again. hate almost everyone i hung out with in the past 3-4 years. will punch the next person who tells me irl to calm down in the face.

i don't know why i can't connect to people. i can socialise, people compliment me and i can be funny. sometimes people have flirted with me. but i only leave when i have to and can't care. i have so little capacity for empathy and so little desire to be around people and yet solitude is turning to a bitter loneliness. i think i've got another five years in the tank, tops.

>>9157104
It's never not been shit in my lifetime, nothing for me to lament. Joke's on you!!

>>9154803
You're never too weird to be someone's cuck, friend ;)

If consciousness is an emergent quality, then causality should apply to it via traceable processes, thus negating free will. A somewhat common argument to this is "quantum physics claim indeterminancy at the most fundamental level, thus proving everything to be 'a priori' undetermined" however, this does not apply to the molecular level where all the processes of the brain operate (in practical sense). Is this view correct, and if not so, what opposing arguments there are?

I wish I could get over the feeling that I'm missing out on books I'm not reading. I want to read The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, but my head keeps saying "But you could read fifteen smaller books in that time". It's such a terrible mindset because I always feel like I should be reading more, but know that no matter what I read it will never be enough.

my ex

you said you'd be back
im unconditionally yours
you said this wasnt a trap
ill close the door and be right back
that i just need to step back
ill always be here relax
and that youd always come back
ill forever be yours
but now we're way past all that
i dont want to think of you
my mind still hasnt come back
im better off without you
was like a vicious attack
im glad it finally ended
the state you left me like that
i just felt bad for you
my life faded into black
i dont remeber the last time i was this happy
you forgot what we built
its like im seeing in color
the world is now flat
i couldnt be less unbothered

>>9157410
Two apostrophes in the entire thing. Is there a hidden meaning behind this?
>i couldnt be less unbothered
I think you mean 'bothered'.

>>9157421
just an old note i wrote when my girl left me

>>9157410
roast me

>>9157448
sounds very white brit trying to rap

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I'm a beta male and I'll never be strong enough to be someone a woman aspires to be with and makes her feel safe.
My whole existence is a lie, something that is so pathetic as to vanish into thin air.

I wrote a novel for nanowrimo and got over 50k words, but I did it with barely any planning and made stuff up as I went. I'm almost done putting my handwritten stuff on the same document as my typed stuff, but I've been lazy.

After I done with that, i'm going to set it aside for 4-6 weeks before I pick it up again to start editing it. During those 4-6 weeks, though, I have some short stories that I want to write

>>9144767
I wish I wasn't so tiny. My girlfriend is a big drunk. That's pretty much it.

>>9157462
lol im mexican/guatemalan born in la raised in the suburbs

Wondering why I married such an awful, spiteful, unintelligent psuedo intellectual plenty. My wife threw a fit last night that the house wasn't clean enough and that she was jealous of other marriages. She sleeps on the couch while I study for my midterms. She never lets me study, so the respite is welcomed.

>>9144767
I love that pic. Recommend books with a similar feel?

>>9148268
>having friends you genuinely care about in high school

pleb

>>9149983
>do your own laundry

Are there really high school seniors whose parents still do their laundry?

>>9157554
just read it in that voice

>>9157571

Shit sucks. If you don't mind, could you expand a bit on why you actually did Marr her - why it seemed like a good idea at the time?

I ask because I'm currently pondering proposing to my gf. I know she kind of expects it sometime soon. I never expected to find myself here, contemplating a future that involves a wife and family. She's sweet and funny and hot and the sex is great and I believe she'll be loyal to me, but sometimes I just get so frustrated at having to deal with having another person around so much, having to deal with her moods etc. When she's happy she's so hyper half the time it feels like I'm babysitting, and when she's down she's an anxious wreck who needs constant validation. There's a big part of me that just wants to tell her 'sorry I wasted your time' and commit to a lonely, independent future.

We like a lot just talking about our problems to other people because it makes us sound more hardworking than we are, inspite of solving what we are complaining about.

>>9157584
Yeah I want to be there.

>>9153486
Does it really matter though?

>>9155973
Dangerous.

>>9157058
Confession: I only go to church for the music.

>>9157297
>He can't into Stoicism

>>9157507
Lots of girls are attracted to betas and weak men. Brings out their motherly and caring side, most of the time. If you have mommy issues, you'll be alright anon :)

>>9158080
Thanks, I guess.

>>9157918
It's time to be a big boy now. If you don't like the idea of marriage and a family, leave your girlfriend now. There isn't a single married person who says "Oh yeah, it's so easy xDDDD." If you need to hear that, just drop out now.

>>9159663

That's not quite it. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to differentiate generalised fear of commitment (which I expect from myself and don't want to be influenced by) from specific warning signs that this girl isn't right for me.

I'm worried that in my efforts to 'grow up' and accept the challenge of a serious relationship in a general sense, knowing that my judgement can't be trusted due to its tendency to find excuses to bail out, I end up abdicating my judgement entirely and making a stupid choice.

I don't particularly know why I think you would be able to help with this, just venting.

>>9158010
I was thinking about doing the same so I asked a few christian friends and they told me it was cool.

>>9159763
Not him, but how long have you been together?

>>9158010
So you either have shit taste or you got lucky with a church that has good music. They're pretty rare these days.

>>9159800

Bout 3 years

>>9159822
I'd say it's not enough time, for most people, to get to know each other well enough for marriage.

I will never understand why people would want to have children. Perhaps it's ignorance or I don't know what.

I will never understand why people wouldn't want to have children. Perhaps it's ignorance or I don't know what.

>tfw wrote 6000 words but then decided against posting because it felt too ranty and self-centred

might rewrite it by hand in a diary, i've never really written about myself this much before

I'd like to have a diary so at least someone will (hopefully posthumously) get a glimpse of me

>>9157571
You married as a student ? Why on earth would you do that ?

Kindness is more valuable than people think. It's better to try and improve your small corner of society than it is complaining about the bigger picture. Your efforts can sometimes be undervalued but that doesn't mean you should stop trying. Patience is the key to happiness.

I'm really afraid of dying. I'm sure it's going to be the least original thought to come out of this thread, but it's been on my mind over the last few months.
I have some weird chronic pains in my abdominal and genital area and I'm not sure where they come from. I don't think it will actually turn out to be something really serious (though, hey, what do you know), but it made me realize that, in spite of all the posturing, I really don't want to die. It makes me really angry at all my friends who throw their "ennui" and philosophical meditations over suicide in my face. Sure, I still wonder what it is all for, I still get bored most of the time and spend time thinking about such and such, but, most of all, I think about staying alive to experience it all.

>>9160156
I agree with this. I feel like many who complain about social justice, are doing it to be fashionable and don't care about their nearest neighbours and even friends.

I'm plotting a book that is similar in spirit to Hillbilly Elegy. It will be just as personal from a similar background but written from an entirely different angle.

I'm afraid of fucking it up and then giving up.

>>9160070

Really? I'd say it's about the point in most relationships (past college age anyway) when people start to wonder whether they're going to get married or what.

>>9160117
Moron

>>9160395
Moron

>>9160117
>wanting to have children
Do you not have any friends? Do you dislike the people who already exist so much that you need to make your own new ones? They're not going to be any different, you know.

>>9160553
Are you twelve?

>>9160557
Are you a terminally dull straight man who mistakes conventionality for maturity?

>>9160569
Are you a terminally ill rebellious tranny who mistakes unconventionality for maturity?

I don't want children but I'm not an arse about it. It's just not for me.

>>9160574
I was hoping you'd be triggered by the idpol words in there. Because the start of your rebuttal's funny but the latter part -
>mistakes unconventionality for maturity
- hits no targets at all. Have kids, normie. But you were literally saying you 'don't understand why people wouldn't' and 'perhaps it's ignorance'.

I don't need to elaborate. I can tell I hit something with the 'mistakes conventionality with maturity' point.

(You basically asked why something happens; I started telling you; you flipped out and said you didn't want to know, la la, you don't want to understand why people live in different ways, aaahhhh. You sound like an angry drunk.)

>>9144767
What videogame is this?

>>9160594
What are you even doing? What are you babbling about? You haven't presented a single rational thought. Did you just call my post a "rebuttal"? I'm just making fun of your drivel.
I don't mind people not wanting children.
This
>Do you not have any friends? Do you dislike the people who already exist so much that you need to make your own new ones? They're not going to be any different, you know.
is so stupid it doesn't deserve a response other than "are you twelve?", because it's exactly what I'd imagine a contemporary twelve year old 4channer might spout, perhaps more poorly worded and with less punctuation.
(I didn't ask anything. I was merely ridiculing a post, which apparently wasn't yours, as I hope your reading comprehension is not as poor as it appears. It's true I don't particularly care as to why people might not want children, again, I have nothing against people living in "different ways".)

I spent so much time alone that I don't think can't truly connect with people anymore. Kill me.

>>9160640
Tbh I find the greentext interesting. I'd almost like an answer to it. Why do you feel the need to make new people? In my case, my social world and role in it is fulfilling enough. It would seem superfluous to take on the role of parenthood as well.

I can't tell if I'm a genius or insane.

>>9160677
Neither, just mediocre.

>>9149756
>>9149858

anons, thank you for confirming my suspicion of genius. Bless you both

>>9148268

Read this post, I'm 21 and have suffered what you

Don't go to college. Read Spinoza's Ethics, realize that your life might as well be a dream because nothing in it matters - live as though you are lucid dreaming. This post is an opportunity for you to end your suffering and unlock your potential. Don't follow my advice if you want to be miserable for a couple years at school before dropping out and realizing what I just told you after wasting 3 years of time.

Tell your parents you want to take a gap year. Use the reasoning that Obama's daughter did it, therefore it must be good because Michelle and Barack are geniuses and that's what they allowed their daughter to do.

While you're having a good time abroad you will realize how right I am and you will live a great life from the moment you wake up to the moment of your death.

>>9160286
Yes, and there should be a considerable amount of time, after the thought occurs, devoted to essentially pretending as though you were already married, getting to know them as well as you can and doing your best to evaluate whether you want to make the commitment to share your entire life with them - because that commitment is what marriage is. There will most certainly be a moment in your life when you will feel like you hate her. I can promise you that. Marriage means remaining true to your commitment, "in good times and in bad". Failure to understand that true love has to be a choice is what leads to broken marriages and the divorce rates we have today.
Scroll up if you want to read my thoughts on marriage, starting with my response to this >>9154617 (the third reply)

I'm so sick of defending Donald Trump. It's just that the media is always so fucking wrong about him and I'm not okay to sit there and abide wilfully dishonest news.

I actually dislike him a lot, maybe even more than most people connected with the media, but this systemic dishonesty is an urgent problem. It needs dealing with or we can't seriously expect our societies to return to functionality, whatever power might inherit the oval office.

I mean look at pic related. Every single one of these 'mostly false' corrections is just a concession that, actually, the statement was correct. We're in doublethink territory here: 'In the sense that it is the truth, you are not allowed to believe in it,' is how every one of these tends to go.

Like, reducing debt by 12B is actually a huge deal, a hugely good thing without much precedent over recent decades.

I mean, look at the article 'disproving' it:
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2017/feb/25/donald-trump/why-donald-trumps-tweet-about-decline-national-deb/

You've got Harvard professors pretending they don't understand that the economy is responsive to the president's identity, not just whatever individual policies he implements directly. But even with that point kept in, a lot of this is a direct result of policy, in the sense that it's a result of policy that enabled directly creditable actions to be taken. Like, the entire fucking article is an overt declaration of a party-line that's beyond the point of pretending: Yes it's true, it says; so when anybody asks, say it's not, or even better, if you can: believe it's not.

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>>9160733
pic related, whoops

My friends are horrible cunts with no self esteem, who attack everyone around them on petty grounds to make themselves feel better.

>>9160733
>>9160739
You have to look to what's going on structurally rather than trying to make sense of it at the individual level. All of these media fucks aren't individual morons, they are manifestations of one gigantic propaganda engine and "historic bloc" that is currently dying and flailing around. If you focus too much on the individuals without being strategic about which ones and how, they might stabilise.

Not much you can do about things like Politifact right now. There are still ten million nobody journalism and polsci undergrads in the millennial generation willing to write free propaganda for the corporate cocksucking capitalist machine. But it's very effective to laugh at them, and post their shit in places (like /pol/) where you can galvanise an overall response against them. And in the meantime, try to find ways to keep the Trump side honest, because the same shit that turned well-meaning liberals in the '60s into cocksucking drone footsoldiers for The Machine will eventually happen to it.

It's ugly but that's all you can do.

>>9160676
>In my case, my social world and role in it is fulfilling enough.
It is for now. My guess is you're probably in your mid to late twenties. maybe early thirties?

Not having children seems like a great idea now, but in all seriousness, you're going to regret it by the time you're 50. And even more when you get forced into a nursing home. when no one comes to visit you and your health starts to deteriorate. Who's going to take care of you. the state?

Who's going to float your body down the Ganges.

You're delusional if you don't recognise what I'm saying is true.

>>9160771
>keep the Trump side honest
This isn't going to happen, though. He'll have to go down, too - in time. What's important, in my opinion, is that he lasts long enough that, by the time he goes down, the narrative that the media was honest and told the truth before he came in and started restricting speech will no longer look sane. Otherwise it will all start up again and we'll be stuck in the same shit. We need to create something that looks like this: fucking bad during obama->pretty bad during trump->something new that comes from neither place, and is okay, working toward becoming good->good.

>>9155348

Your posts on marriage have been one of the most enlightening things I've ever read, thank you.

Can Spinoza's Ethics replace Christianity? Would it be possible for me to love a woman while using The Ethics as guidance?

Will this lead to the good life?

Is there a good life?

If not then what should I do?

>>9160896
stay away from Spinoza, he'll just exacerbate your autism

>>9160830
Don't take me as being coy here, because it's a shorter, snappier response than probably you'd prefer, but: that depends on whether your friends also have children. If they don't, then you'll still have their company.

(And because I'm a faggot - good guess on your part - I can semi-safely assume I'll have a number of such friends around me, when I'm in my fifties.)

>>9160893
*When I say
>We need to create something that...
I guess what I mean is 'the best we can expect to create is something that...'

>>9160920

I've doubled down on my autism feel better than I ever have before. I see things for what they truly are; I'm awake.

>>9161008
ok, if you're unable to go any other direction, try getting into Deleuze, who produces a very powerful anti-autistic, atheistic type of spinozism

I'm absolutely terrified of women, the feeling is something akin to the primal fear when you encounter a wild animal like a bear or a wolf.

>>9161226
You're gay.

>>9161251
I'm not attracted to men.

>>9161256
Oh.

>>9161226
Get in the robot, Shinji.

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>>9161226
>being this spooked

Get it together, my property. Women are humans as you are a human, what exactly terrifies you about them?

>>9161251
Gay men almost universally select females as friends. Perhaps try a different tactic?

>>9161333
I know that, it's not a conscious or rational fear. I don't hate or idolize women.

>>9161339
Ah, but look to yourself and you will find the answer. Look how you have worded your denial! What did I say about hatred or idolatry? These are your spooks, you have tied them to women.

To me, it seems you are afflicted with the general curse of neckbeardery, that being, the twin hatred and idolization of women. You have been taught to define yourself by your sexual success, and so idolize the object of that success which is "woman," and you hate them because you find a lack of success where you have been told you should find it. So now you are coming into the stage of hatred of self, and reverence (sacred dread) toward women. You don't "hate or idolize them," you hate AND idolize them.

From what parts of the aforesaid you deny, I will come into a better understanding of your mental state

>>9161365

Dude, just tell him to stop masturbating, practice mindfulness and take lsd. Clear directions make sense to him, everything you wrote is above his head.

>>9161514
No, I understand what he means. And I'm not sure what something as vague as 'mindfulness' or lsd would help.

>>9160187
I'm the other anon that was fearing death previously. You won't experience it all. At least not on this Earth. You will never be God to be able to experience everything. You need to understand your limitations and do the best you can with them. I don't know if this is really going to help you, but you seem like a good person, maybe a bit full of yourself like I was or maybe I still am. Let go that arrogance.