Venting

When we moved, she threw a lot of stuff out. I mostly lost the desire to dress. Around 14 I discovered porn. I quickly discovered I only got off on lesbian porn at first, then later tried gay porn, which I also got off on at the wanking and sucking stages, then turned off at the anal. To this day, I've never found straight porn hot, aside from those POV videos from the woman's perspective...I'd dress occasionally but mostly forgot about it.

I lost my virginity with a stranger at 17. I found the whole thing jarring and weird, aside from eating her out which she loved. We 69'ed, which was amazing. I got a girlfriend not long after, and the desire went away entirely for some time. I found straight sex always awkward, but oral and 69s really did it for me. I think it helped her act out lesbian fantasies too, especially as we would sometimes watch lesbian porn together.

I ended up with depression due to other circumstances 4 years into the relationship and it put a strain on us. She stayed with me one night and we tried to shake up our sex life, she brought some really sexy lingerie from Ann Summers and but it didn't really help us. The next day after she went to work. I tried it on myself. It felt electric all over again.

We split some time after. My fantasies ran a little wild in my single days. I arranged to meet up with a guy for sex but wimped out. I got hold of a dildo to sate my oral sex fantasies, staying male sometimes, dressed sometimes. It got me off a few times but I ended up throwing it away.

I found love at last and I'm still with her, we now live together and mostly share all of our quirks and kinks but I've always kept this one to myself. She works evenings sometimes, and I quite regularly find myself watching lesbian porn, or sometimes tranny porn. I got into watching crossdresser transformations. I started dressing again recently, especially since we're similar heights and sizes. I fit into a lot of her clothes.

Lately, I've started to question it all. Is it just erotic? I don't always get horny, but I often masturbate before I get undressed and take the make-up off. It's not all the time. I've noticed lately that I lust after the female characters in the shows I watch, but it isn't always that I want THEM, sometimes I'm desperate to BE THEM. Daenerys. Cersei. Sansa. Michonne. Black Canary. Supergirl. Felicity Smoak. To the point where I've even considered buying cosplay gear for them. A friend started transitioning a while ago, and I saw how much happier she was for it. I started looking at MtF before and afters online. Began obsessing over Laura Jane Grace, Mina Caputo and my favourite, Marissa Martinez. I even decided on a name if I ever transitioned.

Where the fuck is my brain at, 4chan. Did a test the other day and it told me I'm AGP, but it mostly asked leading questions which focused on sexuality.

Pic isn't me. Obvs.

I resisted the feels of this being tl;dr and read it all but hold the fuck up
You discovered porn a fucking 14? Fucking hell that's late.

From a psychological standpoint, there could be experiences and/or things you saw as an infant to a small child that left engraved impressions and curiousities in your head. As an infant the brain is obviously more impressionable, so much to the point that the assumptions and understandings developed early on stay engraved in the mind beyond that point of youth, which often creates pre-dispositioned views and feelings about things like love, fetishes, priorities, and sexuality.
There's also the scientific standpoint that one's brain may be developed differently in a way that it'll process and function differently than that of standard brains. My closest friend is gay as fuck, and he says that straight sex just never naturally excited him, whereas gay sex pretty much immediately appealed to him (when watching porn, I mean). In your case you explored your curiousity and expanded upon it. It became a primary focus it seems. I think.

I don't really know. I'm lacking sleep.

You are definitely AGP. Check out >>8741900

AGP doesn't mean you should or shouldn't transition. It means it may be good for you. You have to look into the pros and cons of transitioning and of staying male and decide for yourself which suits you.

Either way, consider other ways of exploring your AGP sexuality, such as opportunities for crossdressing and anything that lets you feel less male/masculine. If you can get your SO on board that would obviously be a big boost, but even if not, make sure that you get chances to escape having to feel male, such as gentle sex or foreplay or other intimate activities which can feel lesbian to you.

>but it isn't always that I want THEM, sometimes I'm desperate to BE THEM.
You have both heterosexuality and AGP. Sometimes you feel one, sometimes the other.

>>8774220
>Fucking hell that's late.
Really?

>>8774142
You're the type that will soon realize the extent of what it means to be trans, but don't like the idea and will try to repress it. Eventually you'll start getting dysphoria for real. Maybe in a year, maybe in a few. The two options at that point are attempt (most likely a half-assed attempt) to transition, or go hardcore repression. The former would probably get you on hormones before you're an irrevocable hon, but it's more likely you won't do that and you'll discover the consequences later when you're, say, 25.

Of course this post won't really make sense to you now, you may just ignore it entirely. But, maybe, just maybe, you'll find it again years from now when it's too late, and know EXACTLY how all this works, why it happened, etc.

And in that moment, just know that I will be laughing. A laughter not born of malice, but of deranged disillusionment with the natural order of things. A laughter of comprehension and futility. A laughter you will one day know.

>>8774258
Which choice did you make?

>>8774258
Transition, at the end of age 23. I'm 26 now. It's been a hell of a ride.

I'd always been both idealistically non-conformist, yet at the same time completely normie. My lack of concern at the idea of bodily modification was also kind of an offshoot of my existentialist worldview, so I figured I'd just secretly do hormones. Went progressively more femme in boymode, told a couple important people when it became financially impossible to hide, and eventually said fuck it and now I'm part-time. The period leading up to this was mostly a willful ignorance and an attempt to drown it all out with my fields of interest in college.

Liking girls clothes doesnt make you a woman.

this is essentially my exact experience, OP...like the same framework bit different specific events

I don't really have anything to add. I've been on hormones for about 9 months now and I'm happy with the decision. I doubt I'll ever pass but I like how it's changed my face a lot

it also gave me romantic interest in men, which is new and exciting and honestly so much fun
I cant really give you advice on what to do though

>>8774282
How do you know you made the right decision?

I've got to say that I expected more hostility so I feel pretty heartened that I'm getting pleasant replies. I'm new to this 4chan thang.

According to my peers at the time, I was a latecomer (hurhur) to porn. I tried straight stuff first but got onto lesbian and then other quickly as I found straight porn quite aggressive. I still think this, and I am turned off by anything quite aggressive.

AGP is what I keep coming back to. I'm outwardly quite masculine and would struggle to pass and often when I dress, I literally go for a gender swapped version of myself. Swap out shorts for skirt, keep the band shirts and put on long socks or tights. I'd be a pretty butch lesbian I think. Thinking too hard gets me hot...

I'm already 30 though I don't look it. My depression snarled my life up by 4 years or so. I'm aware that I have a bit of a time limit if I was to roll with hormones now.

I don't think I could ever develop romantic feelings for guys though I'd never say never. Don't find any guys (Stephen Amell in Arrow flash backs when he's younger aside) attractive. I sometimes find penis attractive though....

If you're asking what I chose as a name, I was hiding that to stay more anon but I guess it couldn't tie back to me more than any other detail. Alessa.

>>8774611
Well considering my alternative was end up looking like my dad, a giant hairy manbeast, I think I made the right decision. idk anon, it's really up to you not me. I've been posting pics in femgen cause someone asked earlier if you wanna see the results (well minus the face obviously). I think I did okay even if I'm not necessarily passing tier.

>>8774626
Are you OP...? I figured from what you wrote you were younger, the last age you mentioned was 17. That name's close to Alyssa, which was something I'd considered.

>>8774142
>Is it just erotic? I don't always get horny, but I often masturbate before I get undressed and take the make-up off. It's not all the time.
It's key to understand AGP is not just a fetish. It's a full-blown sexual orientation.

It's not just finding the thought of being a woman and wearing female clothes erotic, it's also finding it mentally comforting. That's why you don't do it just to get off. It helps you feel you, fulfilled and content.