Military storytime thread

>>31171354

>be op
>start stories thread
> don't have any stories

I bet your dad was an alcoholic iron worker that beat the shit out of you

>>31171479

Well, cold war conscripts never really saw combat. Also no, his father was the alcoholic iron worker, who beat him. Mine learned from his mistakes.

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>A Panamanian resistor / hold out decided to combat our outpost
>Patilla Airfield, Panama City
>He lobbed a grenade into our AO
>A mere few minutes prior I had removed myself from an aircraft stairwell
>Explosion
>One troop caught shrapnel - he was okay
>A few hours later, I noticed that shards from the grenade ripped through the skin of the aircraft where I was positioned.
>Had I remained there, I wouldn't be typing this tale.

I don't know what made me decide to come down from that seat. I was up there for hours. But just as soon as I came down, the grenade went off.

>>31173208

>I was on Panama Viejo at the moment of the invasion
> 9 YO.
>while sleeping my fatther suddenly wakes me up.
>"Hijo, los gringos están bombardeando a todos en el chorrillo, voy a buscar a tu tía y a tus primos, cuida a mami"
> I started to cry as I could hear the explosion like fireworks... far away.
> my mother manage to calm me down "tranquilo, rezale a cielo para que se acabe pronto"
>I decided to go and pray in the window that
>Open my eyes and saw in the distance, over the sea, only lights going up and down, up and down... some rockets fired during the process.
> never saw something like that before
>Hours later, my father never arrived.
>We all cried, we though he was killed.
>The next day he comes, alone, my mothe and I crying huge him

He was captured by US troops while he was entering "el chorrillo" he was confused as a member of the "batallón de la dignidad" (I hope you remember who they were). After several hours detained by US troops he was released as there was no evidence of being a resistance member.

If someone else participated o just cause, please, post your history.

>>>/pol/

>>31171354
>duty a driver
>driving with some crazy 30 year master gunny in a humvee doing god knows what. he literally had his own fucking program showed up at different hqs to volunteer to organize various ceremonies for the sncos that didnt know how to do it

He has us stop at some px convenience store on base in the boonies. You can't park duty vehicles near the px. Proceed to park in the rear
Goes "nah fuck that park up front".

Park up front get out with him and some 1stsgt comes yelling hey you cant do that. Massa guns looks at him tells him to fuck up.1stsgt looks down and walks away fast.

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>about to board a plane to Pennsylvania
>approached the ticket agent
>she had a great set of boobs
>asked for two pickets to titsburg
>embarrassed but she knew what I meant
>told my seat mate about it
>said he experienced something similar that morning
>instead of asking his wife for a bowl of corn flakes, he said
>you ruined my life, you fucking whore

>>31174366
this is great

>>31171354
I love hearing about shit from the cold war. If you wouldn't mind posting another story id love to read it.

>National Guard LRS company
>coming in from 5 day (training) recce
>notice troops in the area of our pick up zone (SPIES extraction)
>not sure if OPFOR or unrelated unit training in the area
>settle in let TL and ATL check it out
>they return it's just some MPs training TCPs
>TL and ATL are over the mission and walk us up the road to the tree line on the edge of our pick up zone
>MPs shit their pants at the sight of 7 dudes in sterilized spray painted uniforms, beards, and massive rucks
>OMG it's special forces
>they stop training to come ask us questions while I call in our pick up request and we put our SPIES rigs on
>"who are you guys"
>TL says recon
>hoodrat MP says to friend "I told you they were air assault"
>ATL says "we're the fucking airborne, bitch"
>other hoodrat MP says "told you they were special forces"
>hear chopper in distance
>"dang is that y'alls ride?"
>pop smoke
>MPs all pull out phones and cameras and start filming us
>crew chief tosses SPIES bag
>TL moves out to set it up
>MP asks me "isn't the chopper gonna land"
>fuck no pussy
>team moves out, hooks up, and floats away

>barely make it back before chow hall closes
>no time for hygiene
>smoking cigarette waiting for team after chow
>spray painted uniform, beard, dirty, no name tapes, unit patch, or rank
>random sergeant major approaches
>mybodyisready.jpg
>HEY SOLDIER
>so furious at my various infractions he can't form words
>smile, good evening sergeant major
>team walks out
>sergeant major begins spazming with rage
>we start walking
>W-W-WHAT U-U-UNIT ARE YOU SOLDIERS IN
>RECON SERGEANT MAJOR

It was good not being a pog.

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Here are a few good memories. Some of you sneer at conscripts but I don't care.

>November night
>Base has been set up atop a high hill
>The moon is full, stars shine and a few clouds float slowly across the sky
>Kilometers of gloomy forests lie before me
>Being on guard duty was cold and beautiful

>Another week of pain behind and a tired group is waiting for a ride back to garrison
>Unexpectedly the head of the NCO course commands everyone to stand in formation
>Says he is very pleased with what he has seen in the exercise and grants everyone the fir twig patch (sissihavu in Finnish) in advance
(Imagine going to Ranger School and performing so well that you are given the Ranger tab before graduating.)

>Last exercise of the NCO course is nearing its end
>It has been raining sleet the whole time and no one has dry clothes
>Last mission is to get back to friendly territory from behind enemy lines
>This takes exactly 12 hours without breaks
>We've passed three surveillance lines, many rivers, even more kilometers and had a few close calls
>Our team leader sheds a manly tear, when I say that I have an unopened bag of candy waiting in my rucksack
>Sauna and a warm sleeping shelter is waiting for us
>It took an hour to detach boots from my feet, my whole body was hurting and I almost fell asleep naked in the sauna's dressing room but I felt relieved, if nothing else
>Next morning our instructor tells us that we shouldn't have made it through our final mission (which was probably empty words to make us feel better but it felt good at the time)

>Back at garrison after a live fire exercise
>I'll go tell our instructor that our rifles are ready for inspection
>He congratulates me and says that I've been chosen to be a sniper team leader

>Last evening in the forest
>Sun is shining calmly and the Russian border can be seen across a lake
>Captain has caught a pike, which we eat while bathing in sauna

>>31175487
I was looking for the make believe thread. I guess I found it.

>>31175514
What do you mean?

>be me
>Brazilian paratrooper
>called to help in the pacification of the favelas
>night extremely calm
>a wymyn sergeant(pretty much a nurse in uniform) with the finest ass comes by and we talk a little bit about the weather
>we finish talking, i grab my phone and sit near a truck to talk with my mom in the phone
>she sits in the back of the truck and pulls her phone and start using it
>i don't pay much attention and keep talking in my phone about how i hate that place
>5 minutes later i hear screaming sounding like indignation
>i look at her
>she leaves the place and enters in a barrack of officers
>a soldier i know leaves the truck really fast and runs for his barrack really fast and looking around
>i finish my call and just try look around figuring out what happened
>i think they were probably fucking and he put in the wrong hole by accident
>don't give a shit and go have my dinner
>calmly eating when a friend of mine sits by my side laughing his ass off
>he is the guy responsible for disciplinary action
>he tells me that the soldier was sleeping inside the truck
>the sergeant with the big ass don't see he is there and just sits in the back of the truck
>he starts masturbating looking at that camouflaged booty
>she looks behind and see him with the dick in his hand staring straight at hear

Holy shit, that was gold.

I want to read stories. Post them!

One final bump.

This is a story from a friend in the Navy

>be on a ship outposted in the atlantic
>apparently this ship was the longest in US history to be out at sea without docking (like over 150 days at the time)
>everyone has their own ways to polish their spear, but one was special
>"the sock" which was stiff as cardboard
>guys used to prank others by hiding this guys cum sock in their shit
>one day friend takes it hides behind someone as they are sleeping
>another soldier wakes the guy up
>gets slapped in the face with cum sock
>dust goes flying everywhere
>ohdeargod.jpg
>sock has a stiff bend from hitting the guys face
>friend runs the fuck away and leaves the sock behind while everyone is fucking losing it

Another one

>same friend, out in training
>big wig is stopping by for the day to check on the progess of everyone
>friend has to take a shit but all they can do is dig a hole and shit into it
>digs his hole and misses with his shit
>shitting on top pf a hill, the turd slowly rolls down towards camp
>shit gets covered in twigs and dust
>friend realizes the turd is heading right for his CO
>tries hard to not laugh as it hits the back of his boot and he realizes what happened

He ended up doing PT the rest of the day. Im not 100% sure of accuracy since its been about 5 years since I heard these stories

>be combat medic covering a training exercise
>evacuate 3 casualties in combat ambulance
>put drips in them while doing 80 on the highway
>accidentally lean against back against ambulance rear doors
>shitty rear lock gives way and doors swing open
>I am not secured
>I somehow manage to not fall
>MO in front is shouting WHAT THE FUCK
>medical rover behind me is mouthing WHAT THE FUCK
>maintain balance
>close doors
>finish dripping patients
>mutter "what the fuck"

Also since this was Taiwan and I had the best Chinese I got to spend the night in an air-conditioned hospital ward taking care of the three sleeping guys instead of feeding the mosquitoes while covering a night maneuver. The Taiwanese MPs stopped me when I went out to get dinner, but they let me go right away when I showed them my Singaporean military ID.

>>31178403
Being away from civilization makes you do strange things.
My friends had a competition: the one who can fart more on the other guy's face wins a bottle of booze.

>>31174533
What does this spray painted uniform look like exactly? As in please provide an image.

>East German border.
>HMMWV patrols.
>Each team 2 HMMWVs. Drive 50 meters apart. >Spend 16 hours driving from checkpoint to checkpoint. Every day.
>Exciting at first, then after first week is boring and monotonous. Need to break the monotony.
>One checkpoint has E. German tower about half mile from fence. They're usually much closer.
>If we stay at checkpoint >15 minutes, E Germans send out ready reaction force to see what's up.
>At this particular checkpoint they send out one soldier on dirt bike. Not sure what kind, looked like a Yamaha.
>Every day reach this checkpoint and wait. And wait. Until little East German soldier comes out on bike.
>Watch him work his way up long dusty trail. Dry and dusty, he crates a giant cloud of dust.
>By the time he reaches fence he's completely caked in dust. His lungs must be too.
>Wait for him to reach fence, climb back in HMMWV and leave.
>Do this to him every day.

>Route to one checkpoint is up long trail that spirals around large hill.
>It rained, Hill is all mud.
>Challenge trail HMMWV to a race.
>Hairy ride, we're drifting around corners praying we don't go over steep ledge. If we do, we'll be rolling downhill. We're bored, we don't care.
>All radio comms are recorded, must follow strict radio procedures.
>Radio crackles, "Blade Runner 1, this is Blade Runner 2....uh, we lost something back here. Can you return to our location, over"
>Turn around and head downhill. Find Blade Runner 2.
>What they lost was their RTO. Drifting on a turn, no seatbelt. He flew out the door into the mud and over the ledge.
>He climbs up ledge, covered head to toe in mud.
>Lost his glasses, helmet, and M16.
>We spend an hour digging through deep mud and brush on a steep hill looking for his shit.
>When we're done, we're all soaked and covered in mud. Still have another 12 hours to go.
>Patrol leader stuttering trying to explain to tower why we haven't moved in an hour.
>Yell at RTO to put his fucking seatbelt on.

To be continued....

>>31171354
>be me
>hungarian conscript
>standing in line
>the comrade sergeant comes
>lecture on chemical warfare
>"now listen to me soldiers, the water boils on 90 degrees"
>wut?
>the next day during morning march
>comrade sergeant seems to be worried
>"soldiers i was wrong the water boils on 100 degree the 90 degree is the right angle"

that's when i lost my faith in the army
>

East German border continued....

>Rainy days we like to fuck with East Germans
>If steady downpour, wait at each checkpoint a little too long.
>This triggers ready react force. About a dozen E. Germans leave the tower and sit down on other side of fence. To watch us.
>We're warm and dry in HMMWVs. We stick around.
>E. Germans get drenched sitting in freezing rain.
>We're amused.
>Stick around until rain lets up, then move on.
>One day it's raining hard, total downpour, and it's fucking cold. Fat ass E. German soldier, must have weighed 250 lbs, stands up.
>He has our attention.
>Raises both arms.
>Gives us both middle fingers.
>Laughed our asses off.
>Patrol leader gets out of HMMWV.
>Throws him a chocolate milk over the fence.
>He catches it.
>OK, folks, time to move on...

>US only country allowed to have armor within 1k zone.
>Don't know how that agreement came about, but NOBODY but us could have armor on the border.
>At least once a week call alert.
>Run squadron of M1's and squadron of Bradleys along the fence at full speed
>No barrels can be pointed across border.
>As we maneuver windy roads it's a constant challenge to keep moving turrets to avoid "confrontation"
>Wait for response
>E. Germans respond with wheeled vehicles, >Russians respond with HINDs and HIPs.
>Squadron commander blasts "Flight of the Valkyries" across squadron net
>Badass fucking moment...listening to Valkyries watching M1s and Brads haul ass along border being trailed by fucking HINDS less than 100 m away.
>Fucking surreal.

To be continued...

>>31179369
>>31179313
This is kind of funny because I watched Bridge of Spies with a close family friend on a hunting trip two weeks ago, and he told me about his trip to checkpoint charlie as active duty Army SF on leave in the '80s.

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>>31174533
>recce
>beards
>calling yourself recon

spotted the fake story

I was 425th LRS and 143rd LRS. At no time were we permitted beards. Also, the rest of your story reeks of bullshit.

>>31179362
also i had to sew in my pockets cuz the shithead Major once noticed that i keep my hand in my pockets

>>31171354
I told this story before on /k/ so this is a repost of sorts.

> Be fire direction officer in ROKA artillery battalion.
> have emergency fire mission drills at random times in random days
> one day issue no-fire mission order to battalion for drill
> BOOM
> one fucktard didn't hear the "no" part of the order and thought this was a real emergency
> he fired a live, bona-fide 155mm WP RAP round at a North Korean artillery battery
> Oh fuck did we just start a war
> everyone in hysterics, get calls from division, corps and even the fucking joint chiefs of staff asking how the fuck did we screw up so badly
> turns out the rocket failed to ignite and landed in the middle of the DMZ

The fire mission order's name was changed to something else and quite a few people got NJPed.

>>31174287
Battalion of the dignity?

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>>31179437
Out fucking standing.

East German border continued....

>E. German border followed old Prussian border
>Many towns cut in half when USSR erected fences.
>Nobody lives in towns on east side of border. >There were actually three sets of fences to confuse defectors.
>Towns east of border are manned by soldiers with dogs.
>They keep lights on and move cars around to make defectors think they made it and get captured.
>One town was on wet border
>Was built on a river
>Russians destroyed bridges across River.
>This was one of those fake "occupied" towns.
>Was only about 50m across, could hear DDR soldiers talking.
>I took pictures of their dogs.
>Get frantic call to head to this town/checkpoint one night.
>Gunshots reported
>Suspect E. German soldiers shooting at defectors
>If they couldn't capture them, they'd shoot them.
>Arrive. Town on other side of river is dark.
>First time seeing it "unoccupied". Strange.
>Find pile of about 30 spent 7.62 casings on West German side.
>Never figured out what happened
>Either E. German defected with his rifle and shot it out
>Or drunk W. German vented his frustration by emptying a magazine into E. Germany. Most likely this.
>Still seems odd the town was dark. It was never dark. E. German soldiers were always there.

>Another town only lost its church when fence erected.
>Church still stood, in E. Germany, empty, facing west.
>W. Germans built trail leading to fence where you could see church.
>Trail lined with monuments representing the Stations of the Cross (Stations of the Cross are a Catholic ritual for those not familiar).
>At head of trail, in clearing, was a 40 ft. cross on the west side of fence,
>Cross was facing their old church.
>Beautiful monument from a town that lost its church.

These aren't really funny stories, they're more observations from peering into the world's largest prison.

I'd continue, but I'm tired and need to go to sleep.

>>31179444
Dignity Battalion. We called them "Dingbats."

>>31179449
>Or drunk W. German vented his frustration by emptying a magazine into E. Germany. Most likely this.
So it was a captured weapon?

>>31179394
That's when I was there. My gf flew over from the State's and I took her to Berlin.

We were going to spend a day in E. Berlin but made the mistake of planning to walk across Checkpoint Charlie. She wasn't military so could be subjected to strip searches and interrogation. If I drove they couldn't touch her. My car had NATO plates. But we left it at the hotel because I didn't know how safe it was to drive over there. By the time they told us she could be searched it was too late to take buses back to hotel and return. Not a big deal, there was plenty to see in W. Berlin. I have pictures of the wall three weeks before it came down.

Driving through E. Germany to get there was a trip. You'd leave W. Germany through Checkpoint Alpha and re-enter (into W. Berlin) through Bravo. And as you know, you'd go through Charlie to get to E. Berlin.

US Military didn't recognize the E. German gov't (to our military, it was still "the Russian sector") so we only stopped at Russian checkpoints and ignored the E. German checkpoints. We were also given signs to put in our windows if pulled over by the E, Germans demanding a Soviet officer be brought to our location, and instructions not to open the doors or windows. Then we got debriefed at Bravo so we could report anything we'd seen like troop movements, etc.

My gf came over for a month. I took her to Austria, Switzerland, Berlin, Oktoberfest in Munich, Paris, London, and all over southern Germany. We had a blast.

>>31179525
W. Germans could own rifles. Could have been a personal weapon or possibly a G3 (not sure if German civilians could own them, but that's what the Bundeswehr carried at the time).

E. German border guards were pretty loyal. They didn't just put random soldiers on the border. That's why I think it was probably just a drunk W. German. But in all honesty I have no idea. We turned in the shells and our reports and that's the last we heard of it.

Polizei had access to weapons like that, too. They didn't fuck around. Could have been a pissed off cop. Wouldn't be the first time...

>>31179437

Shit this reminds me of a similar situation that happened in another platoon in my company.

>Be mortarin with 120mm in our little practice area
>Firing live rounds into the target area
>Some shit causes delays, have to wait around before we can continue so command orders us to LARP while we wait
>Fire missions come down the line with some random coordinates, we aim the tubes, rinse and repeat
>Suddenly there's bangs from 2nd platoon
>The chucklefucks actually fired live rounds into god knows where, way out of the safety parameters
>Entire command structure shits collective pants, shit pours down the line, no idea where the shells landed
>Next spring clean-up detail find craters in the yard of someones summer house

>>31171354
Got this from a Polak panel beater

> be conscript driver in Polak army
> go to pickup pigs from farm to take to Russian overlords
> get fattest pigs at the Russian farm
> take them to the Polak farm, swap fat pigs for skinny pig
> give skinny pig to Russians

And

> Russians know how much diesel is used getting from A to B
> only give truck enough to do job
> coast down hills to save diesel
> siphon out leftover and sell

>>31179741
>> coast down hills to save diesel
>> siphon out leftover and sell
Slavs will find a way

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>>31179215
It was a temporary solution because the new commander didn't let us wear woodlands anymore. The spray painted ACUs looked like shit and the paint would wear away pretty quickly once the uniform got sweaty and nasty. He let us go back to wearing woodlands after that one time.

>>31179421
>your unit had a different SOP than mine so you must be lying

Pic related, my raspberry beret and my shadow box from pre-LRS deployment with the cav.

>>31179362

Hi fellow Hungarian /k/ommando!

>>31174527
Alright, here you go:
I'm OP btw.

>Same period, same army
>Firing drills
>Nighttime, pitch black
>Tracers and glow paint were handed out to conscripts.
>Platoon is ordered to conserve the paint and fire at the targets in semi-auto for more accuracy.
>[yeah, sure]
>Entire platoon empties AKM in full retard mode into the sky.
>Comrade Sgt. loses his shit while admiring the night sky beautifully illuminated by green tracers.
>"B-but comrade Sgt, rifle is not fine"
>Comrade Sgt. takes rifle from conscript, reloads, sends 5 accurate shots downrange.
>"Your mom is not fine"
>Bash conscript in the face with stock.

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>>31180183

Cont'd
>Same night
>Training is over
>Acquire some more glow paint intended for AKM sights
>Smear on face
>Sneak up on guard towers and duty officer's window
>Laugh at guards and the officer tactically shit their pants because of sudden glowing faces in the night.
>When questioned the day after, pretend not to know anything about what happened
>Nobody believes ofc
>Get locked up for the weekend

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>>31180183
Well it was a unique experiense being in the Hungarian army that time

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>>31171354
Two that defined my Navy service; Muddy Sunday (picrelated) and below.

>onboard aircraft carrier USS Enterprise
>2005, 6, 7, something like that
>stationed in Norfolk, might have been in the shipyards
>anyway
>Navy personnel all over the Hampton Roads area
>>(Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Portsmouth, Newport News, etc)
>racking up DUIs at an insane pace
>Enterprise is, as always, the tip of the spear
>>(at least the guy who did 100+ mph the wrong way down the interstate right into a couple on their way to the hospital wasn't one of our guys
>>hint; mom and dad dead, and the baby that was about to enter the world, didn't)
>Brass is RIPSHIT
>CO gets on the shipwide TV during a safety standdown, calling down fire and brimstone
>next person who gets a DUI, I don't care who, is getting publicly masted (NJPd; military kangaroo court)
>someone gets a DUI within days
>Whoops! He was a Chief! No mast for him!
>wtf.jpg
>week later, an E-3 gets a DUI
>stage is setup in the hangar bay
>"prisoner" escorted in by 4 man Security detail carrying M-16s, 2 with grenade launchers
>>didn't even know Security HAD grenade launchers, did they have to get them from Weapons Department?
>CO goes on like a baptist preacher, asks if sailor has anything to say for himself after he throws max allowable punishment at E-3
>E-3 chooses to remain silent
>CO gets even madder, kicks him out of the Navy
>realize COs word is shit and rules don't apply to everyone

>>31179453
Are they the ones that beat the dignity out of activists?

>>31180267
>great grandpa grew up in one of the old soviet satellite states
>none of them ended up being military but as children would regularly steal from local military depots because guns and ammo are fun
>grenades were a hot item

>one of his friends blew off only one finger when trying to disassemble a grenade

how he only blew off a finger and not the entirety of whatever shack he was doing this in is beyond all of us

also, supposedly, one of his other buddies grew up in nazi germany as a good jewish boy who dindu nuffins and somehow never went to The Camps (though my great grandpa did, even had a tattoo and everything) but would regularly steal shit from gestapo offices

and not even, like, pens from desks, supposedly he'd steal entire desks worth of stationery. he'd just go in and swipe a stapler off some SS officer's desk. like what the fuck man

they say kids today are dumbshits but you just know that kids who grew up in the 30s and 40s would have goddamn loved youtube and would all be burning their houses down cooking burgers and filming themselves thermiting things if they had that shit back then, because they were already basically doing it anyway

>>31179699
>command orders us to LARP while we wait
So you all pulled out foam swords and bows and started roleplaying Boromir's last stand?

>>31175540
That your story is bullshit

>>31180344
And you base this claim on what?

>>31180352
He's jealous. Ignore him

one from an instructor at basic
>instructor, then an OS or AB, has his hands in his pockets
>senior person tells him to get his hands out of his pockets
>instructor, ever the inquisitive shit-stirrer, genuinely and unironically asks "why?"
>senior person literally just pushes him partway over a railing and laughs as the instructor-then-scrub is unable to catch himself and could have fallen overboard
and thats why you dont put your fucking hands in your pockets, you might need them in a pinch and pockets get in the way

>>31180373
Probably a good choice. Kind of weird still, because the stories aren't even anything "special". Just a few triumphs in the life of a petty conscript.

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>>31180200
>glow paint
Um, dude? Skin dose, man. Any material which is luminescent must have a constant source of energy to put out that light. I REALLY hope that was just "chemlight" paint... Please tell me it went dark after a few hours!

>>31180406

>smearing radioactive paint on face
No, it required charging with flashlights, and it was completely dark after a while.

>>31171354
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fby4JIQrmTM

Here's for the non-polacks:
>Private?
>GET IN WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT
>I'm not going in, I'm afraid of the dark
>MOVE IT SOLDIER
>MOVE IT OR DO YOU WANT ME TO PUSH YOU IN?
>FASTER
>FASTER SOLDIER GET IN THERE
>I'm scared of the dark, I can't get in
>HOW OLD ARE YOU? 2? 5?
>20, but...
>TWENTY AND YOU'RE SCARED OF THE DARK
>MOVE IT
>MOVE IT SOLDIER
>I can't get in
>Listen to me girl, get in there and don't make me angry
>I'm not trying to anger you, I'm scared
>Lieutenant sir, he won't go in, he's twenty and is scared of darkness
>*lieutenant arrives'
>Move it soldier
>I'm not going in
>Push him in by his ass
>ROGER
>Alright, I'll get in
>MOVE IT
>Damn the lieutenant is a real professional

>>31171354
>>31180437
Been in the eastern bloc conscript army and it's been basically all drinking and wasting ammo doing salvos celebrating whatever you could come up with. This wasn't exactly the type of army you would win a war with desu.

>>31180437
Can't tell, if he's faking or genuinely unfit for military.

>>31180471
I think it's a conscript. Conscript-based armies are always laughable.

>>31171354
>be me
>being on guard duty with pvt Jet Lee
>pvt practicing with his nunchaku
>suddely with a hit ind the head knocks himself out
>now what?
>if i report this to medical he will get fugd
>"well its 1am no one will notice"
>10 mins later Lt. comes to check us out
>ohshit.jpg
>its time to reenact Weekend at Barnie's
>at the end both got fucked beacuse of that shithead

>>31180471
some people are just afraid of the dark dude

i had a bad time with that part of the obstacle course when i went to basic

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>>31171479
>OP starts with good story
>anon posts this

>>31180483
Go troll somewhere else.

>>31180523
I know but if it's as bad as in the video, I'm not so sure that military is the right place fix that.

>>31180552
>Go troll somewhere else.
It's true though, at least for the Warsaw Pact armies.

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>>31171354
>grandpa tells me how back in the army he'd go into a bar, with army bros, fuck hoes, drink to shit and start fights
>"fun times kid :)"
>go into the army
>try the same thing
>get beaten up and get my ass kicked out by the bouncers
>talk to gramps about it
>"oh I forgot to mention that we were rolling with the SS guys back then :)"

>be in the infantry
>learning how to use mortar
>the whole class is there
>two guys + sergeant operating the mortar
>guy drops round into the mortar
>the whole things blows up
>meat flies all over the place falling onto class
>they all ded
>turned out the ammo were sabotaged

>>31180437
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgjFH4FIBAA
someone should translate this im literally dying just by watching it

>>31180560
The current professional militaries are a recent invention. The US, for example, let go of conscription in 1972. I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't call drafted Vietnam War vets laughable.

>>31180552
>I know but if it's as bad as in the video,
on my first try i outright refused to do it because that shit is spooky man

i only did it my second time because i brought a tiny light as a security item "just in case". i didn't end up using it but the dark is truly a powerful thing requiring equally powerful wards

>>31180596
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ln2I816VR4

>>31180640
>I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't call drafted Vietnam War vets laughable.

I would laugh at anyone who was forced to go to a jungle to be murdered.

>>31180668
>The Polish use of farm equipment is the greatest tragedy the world has ever known! Germany had obviously lost the war by the time the first tractor was rolled out, and despite being thoroughly decimated, Poland decided to bring out A SECOND TRACTOR. Slaughter on the scale that this farm equipment wrought is nothing short of a warcrime, one Edward Smigly-Rydz deserved to be held accountable for.
still my favorite youtube comment ever just for
>A SECOND TRACTOR.

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>be 1945
>Hans Ulrich Rudel with thousands of confirmed tank kills against the Russians flees the eastern front and lands at the airbase my grandad is stationed
>being accomplished p-47 pilot with 173 missions and 3 air kills, and 17 junked planes he decides he wants to fly one of those Fokewolfs
>Gets the base painter to throw his flight tags on the plane
>since he knows German (from growing up in a small rural town in Texas) he is able to hobble the aircraft into the air and fly it around
>suddenly and alarm goes off and red lights flashing
>screams on the radio "THIS WAR IS OVER AND I'M NOT GONNA DIE TO SOME KRAUT PIECE OF GARBAGE"
>hobbles it back to the ground, never to touch another aircraft again
>retires back to his farm and lives a happy life until his death
pic related.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOECyf3_zTg
Chinese comrades

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>>31180679

>>31180576
The good old days. Regular SS or Waffen-SS?

>>31180668
I hope you can overcome you phobia, if SHTF.

>>31180672
>>>/b/

>>31180699
it's easier to just carry a lighter than it is to overcome one of the most primal human fears

>>31180699

mad?

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>>31180672
Kill yourself.
Nam' or Nuthin.

>>31180705
True but there are some cases, where you can't have lights on or the enemy will see you. I'm not a psychiatrist or a phobia expert but I highly recommend that you start getting used to being in the dark. Makes your life better, even if there won't be a war.

>>31180721

What was the point of Nam again?

oh right, to line the pockets of the military-industrial complex.

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>>31180743
And?
You blame the low down conscripted man for what the corrupt soon to be Reganized government did?
fucking kill yourself low down hippie trash

>>31180743
obviously it was to bomb women and children, as has been the primary military objectives of the US since 1960s

>>31180417
Whew. I had to ask. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goiânia_accident

Similar crap also happened with Undark
https://www.damninteresting.com/undark-and-the-radium-girls/

>>31180736
I can do fine in low light, I think it really is just that you're being told to enter an unfamiliar dark tube that doesn't seem to go anywhere.

like, there's walking to the pisser in the dead of night, and then there is literally crawling into a section of sewer pipe for no other reason than because someone you don't like told you to do it

>>31180750
>You blame the low down conscripted man for what the corrupt soon to be Reganized government did?

I blame him for allowing himself to be coerced into going to a jungle to get blown up.

Maybe if he had a spine and an education he would know to resist the immoral force of the government.

>fucking kill yourself low down hippie trash

another mil-cuck i see

>>31180455

Dunno, here conscripts were locked up and assigned extra work if they were caught drinking. Also officers always went full jew on ammunition, handed out to 10-15 rounds in the 30rnd. AKM clipazines.

Also, punishment because of drinking in conscript army story
>Guy in platoon has excellent morale
>Also very enthusiast in all sorts of activities
>Gets promoted to the Eastern equivalent of E-2
>But is secretly a drunkard
>Gets caught by comrade Sgt.
>demotion for you m8
>He's told he will be shamefully demoted in front of the entire company.
>"You ain't gonna take my star"
>Dude sews the little stars on his epaluet with copper wire overnight.
>be next day, demoting time
>Company is rallied up to watch him get rekt
>Comrade Sgt. was assigned to cut off the star from his epaluet.
>Fails due to copper wire
>"How the fuck did you sew them on, comrade Anon? I'll take them down anyway"
>Comrade Sgt. then takes bayonet and cuts down the sleeves of comrade Anon's jacket
>Officers crack up
>Conscripts crack up
>Entire company laughs
>Dude's been rolling sleeveless jackets through the winter as punishment.

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>>31180794
>I blame him for allowing him to be coerced to go into the jungle to get blown up
Shoo shoo Stirner fag.
Burn yourself out by your 30s hippie shit
>mil-fag
I have that dank cushy airforce life coming.
Suck shit and die.

>>31180887
>I have that dank cushy airforce life coming.

I have a dank private sector life where I get paid 3x as much as some mil-cuck

>>31180928
Too bad I'll be coming out of college with a double major, go straight to OCS for pilot jockeying, get a spot because I'm already a pilot, do some years for basically free living, come back to the private sector with more benefits, support, training, and experience than you.

Rotc stories count?
Whatever, got the stories of the most retarded time in my life (all of the rotc).

>be me, ms1 cadet, glad im a cadet private so expectations are really low
>battalion is made up of 4 companies, each company is a different college
>a company is majority girls (ficki ficki during land nav has happened, not with me ofcourse because im a fucking autist). All girls are nursing students, most of them have contracts by their 2nd year because extremely low female apft standards.
>b company is pretty well done, got a few friends.
>c company... thats mine, 20ish cadets, 3 females
>d company dumbasses, act like they never happened

>go on ftx to fort dix. 3rd year cadets are doing their equivalent to final exams in land nav and stix lanes.
>get distributed paintball guns for lanes
>stix lane with a company female. Shes on contract and everything.
>we are on a move to contact lane. Opfor are a few of my company's cadets that were going to drop out but the battalion offered them some cash if they helped during the ftx. Wish i was one of them because they had a pretty chill time.
>opfor pegs our pointman square in the head, body drops like they actually died.
>contact contact. Pew pew pew from some assholes who are now moving to check on totally fucked pointman. Sl female telling b team (im in b team) to flank around to the right while a team covers.
>flank is a road, i have the feel im gonna get killed here.
>team leader runs down road, 3-4 shots center mass. Cant find shooter
>morale broken
>fall back with qt asian cadet, tell her we aint going that way. Apparently during this a team got wiped. Tell qt to follow me to cover innabush. Realize as we are in bushes we are in totally legit acu camo. Get rekt by ghost friend who materializes from out of nowhere
>iraq vet staff sergeant was furiously masturbating the whole time to my friends wiping my squad.
>aar, "uhhhh you did good until first contact"

Cadet sl girl is now a LT. rip me

Got more stories

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>>31180979
>>31180979
Civilians are either too brain dead to understand or purposely ignore military experience as a huge benefit.

My grandfather fought on Iwo Jima with the initial Marine assault forces. He once told me that my four years of service will impact my entire life. Go in at 18, get out at 22. When you're 80 years old, you'll still be talking about it.

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>>31181082
>When you're 80 years old, you'll still be talking about it.

>the highlight of your life is getting yelled at and surrendering personal agency for 4 years

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8rbHwMXMT8

>>31181204
Translation: I never served

Go deep throat a cactus.

>>31181269

You are right, I never 'served' the great american corporations.

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>>31181282
There are times when I wish I was as ignorant as you. I miss the bliss.

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>>31171354
>2014
>Be Finnish
>Forced to join the army
>Become clerk or office rat etc, the dude that keeps notes & passes papers.
>normally avoid every "combat" training just by saying that you were doing office shit while hiding in the bathroom / in a gym
>one time a sarge caught me and told me to come with them
>it was -25 celcius outside, semi freezing
>we got outside and there were some NSV machine guns that we had to practice upon.
>3 of my friends said "Dude, I dare you to put your tongue on that gun"
>Laugh about it and put your tongue jokingly next to the gun
>Friend pushes my head and my tongue gets frozen in the gun
>Everybody is laughing their asses off
>Suddenly my unit's Captain & some lieutenants arrive on the scene
>They tell that we have to aim & pretend to shoot at some coordinates or something (I have no idea how those guns worked)
>The captain yells that we have to open fire on his command
>2 of the guns fire but not ours. The captain gets pissed and walks to our way.
>"WHY THE FUCK AIN'T YOU FIRING"
>the captain walks next to me, saw me scared shitless with my tongue stuck to the fucking gun
>he makes a loud high pitched screech from laughter that pierced my soul
>he runs back and tells the other lieutenants to come and look, all the sergeants & lieutenants are all looking at me and roaring from laughter & wheezing.
>they had to call a medic that went to get some warm water so I could remove my tongue from the gun.
>I finally got released, all of them still laughing their asses off.

I still had to serve 3 months after that incident and every time my captain or the other lieutenants saw me they started to grin.
Pic related

>>31181331

>being a mil-cuck
>call others ignorant

lol

>>31181282
You've also never been tested in battle, as such, your character will always be in question to those of us who have.

Enjoy being a nu-male pantywaste.

>>31181342
Also this happened to my friend
>2015
>Friend joins the army as well
>becomes a sarge that commands clerks & military cooks.
>he was just playing with his phone until someone knocked on his door
>S-sergeant! M-may I speak with you!
>the dude smelled like shit
>"ye, what is it?"
>he said that he dropped his keys for his locker while he was taking a shit, so he stuck his hand into the toilet and tried to search for it
>My friend tries to hold laughter and tells him that they'll go and get him a spare one
>they got him the new key and 30 minutes later someone brought keys to him to the desk and said that he found them at the bathroom floor

>>31181394

So did all the ex-mil criminals pass the test also??

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>>31181436
Okay. I get it. Your girlfriend fucked someone in uniform and you are eternally angry at us.

There is no higher calling than service. And you won't know what that means until you've done it. Try to have an open mind.

>be tanker
>be at combined training exercise with infantry
>always pack loads of excess dip with me whenever i go to the field
>another tanker bro says infantry bro of his is out of dip
>igotthis.jpg
>find infantry bro
>he just wants a pinch but i give him a whole tin since i have loads extra
>his face lights up like its fucking christmas
>”ill pay you back later”
>not worried about it
>in my tank in our battle position later than night just chilling
>truck pulls up to my tank
>infantry bro jumps out and runs a pizza up to my tank
>best pizza in my life after 2 weeks of MREs

>>31181466
>There is no higher calling than service.

Said the brainwashed mil-cuck.

Why should I sign up to murder people who have never and will never harm me??

>>31181436
If a criminal was a soldier and faced battle, and proved himself then yes he passed the test.

The sort of character I'm talking about isn't simple clean cut, law-abiding stand up citizen bullshit. I'm talking about the shit that has historically been how we judge a man, war being the ultimate test of his bravery, cunning, and calm under pressure.

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>>31181499
>i only care about my own personal safety, fuck everyone else

>>31181499
>will never harm me
I'm sure someone in the WTC towers shared your same opinion.

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>be US Navy
>be on shore leave in Pusan, Worst Korea
>buddy goes into bar catering to sailors
>drinking his favorite cheap shit beer
>attractive Asian lady in very little clothing comes over
>"buy me drink?"
>buys her a beer, same as his
>she unzips his pants and starts sucking him off
>huh, well, ok
>finishes sucking him off, takes the beer, swishes it around her mouth, spits it back into the cup
>"OK, fifty dullah"
>"What? I never ASKED you to suck my dick!"
>hooker gets mad, goes to large man in fine suit in the corner
>buddy remembers lecture about Korean mob, runs
>runs until he can jump into a taxi
>flees back to the ship
Apparently, the way you negotiate services with a Korean hooker is by buying her a drink. The quality of what you buy her dictates the service. Ex, high end champagne = hotel room and whatever you want. Cheap beer = BJ right at the bar.

>>31179449
Text-based cold war gondola. I am okay with this

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>>31181763
$50? Holy fucking inflation, Batman. I used to pay $10. Now I know I'm sounding like a grandpa but seriously, back in the 90s, it was a ten spot.

>>31181831
is the drink thing true ?

>>31181040
Shut up boot

>>31181342
>>31181408
You're not giving a good picture about us.

>>31181831
I was there in 85 and it was five bucks in some places. 25 long time if it was the end of the month. Songnam and Taegu

>>31183868
put a finn in the bin

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>>31184278
vittu tappaa itsesi kusipää >:(

>>31174287
A friend was in the Air Force, stationed on an American base in Panama just before Operation Just Cause. His family had just barely moved to a stateside base and all their stuff was in a storage warehouse in Panama, waiting to be shipped to them, but cargo flights were temporarily suspended during the brief hostilities.

This was the first publicized use of the F-117, criticized as a failure because one of the bombs "missed" the target. It's been a long time but if I remember the details right, in reality, the "miss" was deliberate. The intel was wrong and the pilot realized right before weapon release that if he dropped his bomb where intended there was a very high chance of collateral damage, so at the last moment he lased short of the target in a field next to an unpopulated industrial area. The bomb hit exactly where he lased, but the news called it a miss since it wasn't a military target.

Well, right next to that field was the warehouse where my buddy's family had their life's possessions stored and it all got blown to shit. Insurance wouldn't pay out since it was an act of war. The military wouldn't do shit because, hey, war.

All they had were the clothes in the carry-on bags they had with them, traveling space-available on military flights to his new duty assignment. They lost family photos, keepsakes, furniture, most of their clothes... pretty much everything.

If you've served, you know you'll never get rich on military pay. What funds he had, had to go to buying beds for the kids to sleep in, clothes, etc. He was bummed because he couldn't afford to buy his kids ANYTHING for Christmas, so a lot of the guys pitched in and brought them a tree, presents, holiday dinner and stuff.

It was a major setback for them, but at least everyone was alive and it really brought a lot of folks closer together. Military families often have to make a lot of sacrifices.

Not. von script but my uncle had a fun story from his time near the DM

>serving time in middle of nowhere in the mountains
>rained incredibly heavily the night before so in addition to patrol they had to clear the washed out roads
>see weird boxes along the road but think nothing of it
>probably some contractor who was paid to haul trash out but just dumped it in the woods
>specialist starts screaming
>'EVERYBODY STOP MOVING'
>wut
>stop in tracks and get told to stay stock still
>the rain washed out an old mine field uphill
>the boxes were 40 year mines from the Korean War
>had to stand getting eaten by mosquitos for an afternoon while EOD made sure everyone had a path to get out

>>31182163
Yes, though it's a little less shameless now. For a country that bans porn there's a shit ton of whores.

>>31179549
That was a surreal period in history, wasn't it?
If you didn't live during the Cold War, it's hard to understand the public sentiments, fears, and politics of the day. It's like how closed off and xenophobic North Korea is, except it was one of the world's two major superpowers.

I was lucky enough to have a buddy stationed in Berlin at the time and he got me a piece of the wall that he broke off himself about 24 hours after the Berlin Wall "came down".
It's one of my favorite keepsakes.

>>31180596
is this like the warsaw pact edition of Reno 911

>>31184513
>less shameless

how so? they don't suck at the bar now?

>>31171479
You're the reason this board sucks.

One of our guys jerked it while pulling guard in a humvee in iraq. Busts a nut into a water bottle. Next guy comes to replace him, and need a spit cup for his dip... Ends up unknowingly using the same cup that held the nut

>>31180325
I imagine it was more along the lines of:

>Private! You play the hot milf that needs her sink pipes fixed
>Corporal! You're the husband that's out of town!
>Specialist! You get to be the plumber that has to accept a non-monetary form of payment.
>Use the mortar as the pipes.
>Aaaand ACTION!

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>>31180794
>allowing himself to be coerced

Hey young man! Let's play a game of Would You Rather.
Prison: where you will get beat up all the time, possibly ass raped, shunned from society, and have a criminal record for the rest of your life once you get out?

OR

Vietnam: where you can go and be a hero for your country and help defeat communism. Not to mention all the cool shit you'll be able to use and ride in Helicopters and shoot machineguns and hangout with your bros, and get drunk, and bang 14 year-old whores in Saigon! *small chance of death or dismemberment*

Gee I wonder which choice a 19 year-old will make.

Even knowing full well what the horrors of war are, I'm not gonna go to Prison for 5 years when I could just go to Vietnam for 12 months. If I had the opportunity I might flee to Canada though. Either way, I wouldn't be able to continue living as a free American.

My uncle's friend was in the army in Afghanistan. He trained the hajis to fight and use guns and such.
I only have one story
>All army guys are lined up talking to each other.
>bunch of habibs standing around talking durka durka language
>army guy wants to fuck with the habibs
>uncle's friend let's call him John
>John tells army guy to point his laser at the middle Habib
>he does it
>all the surrounding habibs start to notice
>"durka, Hallah juhadesh hurka durka katana hurqa coburka HURKA DURKA HAKA LAKAMESH DURKA DURKA DURKA"
>They all begin freaking out and running in circles similar to black children running away from mom when they bout to get their asses beat
>all habibs run behind brick walls and won't come out of their dirt houses until the army dudes get them

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>>31183868
To be fair, you guys do it to yourselves

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>>31188917
Some do, some don't.

>friend is helping train some Kuwaitis
>oh boy crew-served weapon day
>everyone is really happy and shooting wildly at targets, without hitting
>he asks if this is normal
>regular adviser says that initially they had been aiming in the wrong direction and destroyed a guard tower

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>>31191884
This can't possibly be real.

>>31181480
It's hard to describe how amazing that feeling of 'real food' is to someone who hasn't experienced the absence. Your story made me smile at my own good memories.

>>31192298
>Christmas dinner right after a tough exercise

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>>31192298
I fucked up my spine in Mountain phase of Ranger school. A medic came and policed me up. On the way back to Camp Merrill, we pulled through the McDonald's drive thru. I ordered two quarter pounders and two large fries. It was better than every Christmas combined.

>>31174294
F u c k o f f
u
c
k
o
f
f

>>31181082
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian."
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words—
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester—
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

>>31192158
Inshallah comrade