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/efg/ - Erotic Fiction General

This is a red board which means that it's strictly for adults (Not Safe For Work content only). If you see any illegal content, please report it.

Thread replies: 423
Thread images: 55

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This is the go-to place to discuss (and produce) erotic fiction of all types, from the fap-and-go fics to porn with a substantial plot. Drawfags are also welcome- illustrated stories are the best ones! For drawing requests also check out the /d/raw thread:
https://boards.4chan.org/d/catalog#s=/d/raw

Writefags, consider pastebin/titanpad rather than dumping for your stories. You can also use 1d4chan for /tg/-related smut

You are advised to tag your stories so that people know what they're looking at. This will attract more feedback from people interested in the themes you're exploring. Consider quoting the OP when delivering. This will make it easier to find (and critique!) the new stories in a thread.

People appreciate it a lot when you give them constructive feedback and criticism, so make sure to do so. We thrive on it. Don't be afraid to speak your mind about a story that caught your attention. This will help everyone in the long run.

Requests are encouraged to promote a steady flow of new content.There's nothing like a good request to get the creative juices flowing. Try to expand your ideas - a bare-bones request doesn't give us much of a good idea as to what you want. Have fun with it! Keep in mind that it might take some time to get to yours, and each writefag is interested in different kinds of things.

Remember to post pictures when possible to keep the thread alive, but keep image dumps to a minimum so that more OC can be posted.

Commission requests welcome.

Master smut lists:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki//tg/%27s_Smut_Index
https://titanpad.com/v7k2vcJRS8

Requests Document Database (feel free to add your requests to this when you post them in the thread!):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nyDKegfYhIvlv7ZvGoxswIVkiG5lw1lrOeDFvZbw_WU/edit?pli=1

Our discord channel:
https://discord.gg/x4Zxq

Last thread: >>7020455
>>
http://www.mrinitialman.com/OddsEnds/Sizes/compsizes.xhtml
Figure this might help some people here. Snekguy might get a kick out this the most given what he writes about.
>>
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Still taking tally on this list of ideas I had. Lot of people seem interested in the sphinx one, even though it also adds pregnancy to the smut, but I've got a personal attachment to the first idea as well.

#1: Scenes from the lives of Ezekiel and Draahzin; a trappy wizard and his pregnant kobold boifriend. Human/kobold

#2: A father-to-be dotes on his girlfriend, a hugely pregnant sphinx. Human/sphinx

#3: A goblin "captures" (rescues) a trappy failed adventurer and tries to make him into her broodmare. Things... don't quite work out as she planned. Human/Goblin

#4: The clone-son of a witch-queen is politically arranged to marry two horde-queens to cement alliances. Can love bloom under such a condition? Human/Orc/Gnoll

#5: Only survivors after their dungeon lair is invaded and their tribes are wiped out, a human necromancer and his "diplomatic envoys" become adventurers, and ultimately lovers. Human/Goblin/Kobold/Ratfolk

#6: The first time they got drunk and woke up in bed together was surely an accident. The second time, well, they brushed that off too. The third time? That was too suspicious to let go. Human/Minotaur

#7: When her human gish companion is hurt on a mission, a githzerai zerth is finally compelled to confess her feelings to the formerly oblivious soul. Human/Githzerai

#8: When an independent duergar smith buys a drow pleasure-slave to help her get through her heats, neither of them expected to fall in love. Duergar/Drow

Also, for a ninth idea, would anyone be interested in something involving human/naga? See pic attached for what that actually looks like.
>>
>>7030765
>#7: When her human gish companion is hurt on a mission, a githzerai zerth is finally compelled to confess her feelings to the formerly oblivious soul. Human/Githzerai
I like this one the most, although I'd be interested in the Sphinx one, too.
>>
Anons? Quick query: in a story with a plot that can be summarized as "human necromancer and gnoll barbarian working together to survive in zombie apocalyptic hellhole", if one chapter involves the gnoll eating a couple of zombies and then needing the human to comfort her through the subsequent massive attack of indigestion, is the vore tag warranted?

Even if the eating happens off-screen and most of the focus is on the overstuffed gnoll getting belly-rubs and the like?
>>
>>7030845
That's not vore anon.
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>>7030845
Given that spotted hyenas can carrion and bones completely I don't know if indigestion is a thing they can get. That's not vore though to answer your question.
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>>7030845
If she eats the zombies the normal way, with chewing, then it's technically hard vore, although no one is going to bat an eye if you don't tag it.
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There's no way that gardevoir is considered fur shit right?

pastebin.com/yPDDehEQ
pastebin.com/HrrFyLen

Also, for the lit erotica users. Do they accept pokefucking?
>>
Reminder that the new list is on
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ccAAmGecQiEE5ywZc4S4d1347WuMPEsF3DbSNAS4LRo/edit

Also,I kind of fucked up and started another thread without checking the catalog first. My bad.

>>7030845
Vore is only if it's sexualized. Since the gnoll isn't eating the necromancer, it's not vore.
>>
This story is very different from most posted on here. It's arguably not even smut at all, but it is both /d/ and /tg/ related so I figured you guys might want a look anyway.

The Experiment:
http://pastebin.com/4wDdxfTG
(fantasy, non-fatal vore, partial full tour, shrunken male)
>>
>>7030765
Number two, but no hyper preg.
>>
>>7030765
>mfw filthy race mixing

Number six sounds fun, minotaur dick destruction is op.

>>7031019
It's a little wordy anon, if anything I would say flowery. A lot of descriptors for ultimately very little description. Almost like you padded it out.
I still enjoyed it though.
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>>7030765
Sphinxes always are good. Perhaps maybe we could see them becoming pregnant, wink
>>
Old Legend of Zelda trap/yaoi fic I wrote months ago. Cleaned it up a bit, but it's my first and only attempt so it's still not great.

Has trap, gangbang, and magic/slight dick growth stuff in it

http://pastebin.com/N1M6isC2
>>
>>7030750

The ass in this pic is so good that I keep wanting to masturbate to it, but that damn pizza that I can smell through my television and all that nerd crap on the bed totally ruins it.

move that shit out of the way bitch
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>>7031125
Op here, I honestly want to spend money on that bitches poster.
>>
>>7031116
>It's a little wordy anon, if anything I would say flowery. A lot of descriptors for ultimately very little description. Almost like you padded it out.
I could definitely see that, although I can guarantee you it wasn't deliberately padded. When your fetish has you describing the same things over and over again you have to get a little purple keep things from becoming repetitive.

Was it at least understandable?
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>>7031152
>was it understandable

Yes, it was actually quite understandable. The shrinking potion start had be a bit skeptical but it all came together well.
>>
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>>7030887
pastebin.com/G5wkr0xc
Finally some gardevoir fiction, pokefuckers unite.

Sometimes I wonder how many of monstergirl fans started as people who just wanted to fuck deviwoman/ their pokemon.
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>>7031116
It's female minotaur/male human, actually. Except for the duergar/drow one, they're all human male/monster other.
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Just reposting the last couple of stories I finished in case anyone missed them:

Last Stand:
http://pastebin.com/SHF1Xmda
>bondage, femdom, oral, female ejaculation, tail job, kissing, size difference, large breasts, sweat, muscle, monstergirl, orgasm denial, teasing, vaginal

Snek 3:
http://pastebin.com/GnT0gJaS
>kissing, blowjob, reluctant, femdom, tail job, oral, female ejaculation, autocunnilingus, vaginal, light bondage, handjob, abjob, muscle, sweat, massage

Fineprint (in progress):
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2
>no tags yet

I'll have another Fineprint update ready for you guys tonight.
Got Ebook links for those if you want them.

>>7030763
That's a pretty cool tool!
>>
Can't join the discord chat. Why?
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>>7031458
You don't need to repost the links constantly, you know. The last thread already has the links.
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Has the 40k story been posted yet?
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>>7031588
Nope.
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>>7031588
>>7031623
It's coming along. I will finish this.
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>>7031655
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>>7031664
>>7031655
No, Solidified Semen Monarch. Go shill somewhere else.
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>>7031634
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>>7031655
It's not erotic, so no
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>>7031368
Fair enough.

>>7031120
>yfw lewd sphinx dirty talking in riddles
>>
An update to my elemental story. Ferrah's friends come over to visit and hassle the MC who I've named Jack because I apparently have no creativity when it comes to naming human characters in my stories. Next up is the sex scene, that I've been slowly dragging this story towards and that'll wrap up chapter 1.

Iron Oxide
Tags: M/F, Monstergirl
http://pastebin.com/ZkQdjJFL
New material starts with paragraph 88.
>>
>>7031839
Coming along nicely so far.
>Ferrah paused the game and looked over at me. “Hey, hands off my boyfriend, Noxie.”
should be
>Ferrah paused the game and looked over at us. “Hey, hands off my boyfriend, Noxie.”
since she's not talking to Jack.
"looked over at her" would technically be correct since she's addressing Noxie, since both Jack and Noxie are on the same spot and the action that drew Ferrah's attention involved both characters, "us" is better.
>>
Fineprint update, my embassy smells of rich mahogany edition.

http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2

>>7031839
You're making solid progress, the design of the elementals and the way they form is really interesting. I like Connie too, +1 point for smoking.

>>7031563
Oh ok.
>>
>>7030765
>no human abdomen
It's shit.
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>>7030887
Probably not, but there are so many sites that do.
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>>7031125
>all that nerd crap
The nerd crap makes her nearly perfect. The flaws are having food on the bed, owning a lava lamp, and condoms. There's got to be some contraceptive magic that makes condoms unnecessary.
>>
Finished tinkering with the Galaxy of Terror story I has previously worked on.

Dropped the present tense as best I could. Smoothed out a large portion of the sex scene, felt way too chaotic when rereading it. Gave the Giant worm a new and more exotic organ to use on Dameia.

http://pastebin.com/xy4n6cNM

Monster sex, Forced, M/F, Size Difference, Tentacles, Bondage, Rough, Large Insertion, Stomach Bulge, Cumflation, Impregnation, Breeding.

...That was a lot of tags.

Anyway let me know what you guys think of the changes I made... I am just gonna be touching up a story where a woman unwittingly made love to a zombie!
>>
>>7032310
Hey, for all the faults of lava lamps, gently fluctuating light patterns are soothing and most alternatives cost a fortune.
>those earrings
I give it 2:1 in favor that her chat up line involved a Dragonball fusion reference
>>
>>7032356
Dragonballs are orange, not red. After more thought, /h/ and /v/ are pretty pleb-tier. I don't know about giving her so many points, except the fact that she'd be amiable to much, much more. She gets less nerd-points than I remembered giving. I was probably mesmerized by that thing she's doing with her toes. That pose is god-tier.

>not a Duke Nukem reference to her anal beads
>>
>>7032333
This is getting along, keep changing the tense, and maybe consider reformatting the text.
Rather than breaking it up into chunks, use the tab key to create breaks on scene changes and whenever it feels appropriate really.

The content itself is really good, keep it coming.
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>>7032363
>http://pastebin.com/xy4n6cNM
Potara earrings, dude.
>>
>>7032365

Hmm not sure what you mean by reformatting the text? I usually inserted the breaks just trying to keep things uniform in appearace.
>>
>>7032382
Quickly done, this is how I would format it:
http://pastebin.com/dWPdSkKP

I guess it's a matter of preference, but I find this is easier to read.
>>
>>7032363
I was thinking potara earrings, hence the fusion joke
Those are usually yellow, but they can be other colors
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>>7032389

Ohh, OHH... I see now. I'll have to take a swing at it like that then !
>>
>>7031121
Really quite enjoyable to read. Likely because your chosen theme was perfect for me and was executed deliciously.

I spotted a single error near the end, where 'position' should have been 'potion' and personally,

I mixed up the character actions sometimes. Might be mostly down to Link having a self-cest though.

Great ending makes up for the lagging plot as opposed to the sweet sex. Though, I realise you didn't set out for that.

So yeah, no problem consuming more if you make any.

>>7031498
The chat invite expired after I accidentally left it ; p; So until someone from within it produces a new one, it's not possible to join.
>>
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The Player Witch Augment 3: Sometimes They Come On Your Back

http://pastebin.com/tE2wtWGg

>Tags for this chapter: futa, cock growth, huge cock, mild small cock humiliation, futa on female, lesbian, kissing, fellatio, cunnilingus, eating come, come swapping, magic.

I hope you all enjoy it.
>>
>>7032379
>>7032390
Fuck. It's been way too long. They're too big, though, and the metal covers much less on the actual thing.
>>
>>7032290
>He must be an individual of great and noble exploits to have earned such an honor.
uh oh.

considering how much stock these people put in feats and physical prowess it's kind of a miracle they have electricity, though. plus they're in for a nasty surprise when they start more substantial dealings with any species that organizes by task specific aptitude and training.
>>
>>7032436

Just curious, what were your favorite parts?
>>
>>7032457
I noticed several of your fics aren't on the master list; have you been forgetting to add them?
>>
>>7032613
Not forgetting to, for two reasons.

1. I don't know how, and
2. At the outset of this, I didn't think my contributions would ever amount to anything worth saving.

Reasons 3 and 4 would be 'lazy' and 'I still don't know how to properly tag my fics.'

Lock, Croc and Two Smoking Barrels is up there only because someone else evidently thought enough of it to put it there. It wasn't me.

Anyone who wants to add them and tag them appropriately has my blessing and thanks.
>>
>>7032668
Every fic is worth saving. Would you prefer that people waste time and effort looking through every single thread in the archive (here and on places like loveisover) trying to track down a fic that they might have missed and can't remember the name of?

And adding stuff to the list is as easy as opening the link on >>7030903, and adding the name of your fic along with any tags that might go with it. If you can't decide which tags go best with it, just err on the side of more. No reason not to.
>>
Update on that story that I didn't actually give a good name to nor do anything particularly notable fetish wise, but I'm getting there

http://pastebin.com/VUV2GS8r
Discipline
By Cornelius
Tags : Futa x Female, “romance”, incest, collaring, fingering, exposition
>>
>>7030763
>http://www.mrinitialman.com/OddsEnds/Sizes/compsizes.xhtml


Holy fuck this is amazing. The only thing that could make it perfect is allowing uploads of custom images to compare with.
>>
>>7031168
>Yes, it was actually quite understandable. The shrinking potion start had be a bit skeptical but it all came together well.
That's nice to hear, especially from someone who probably wasn't interested in the story for the fetish content.

I'll try to keep my writing more succinct in the future. I'm new to writing fiction and I was operating under the assumption that more descriptors=more detail=better. I spent a lot of my editing time cleaning up syntax and making the sentences flow, with little attention paid to making sure the descriptions themselves were precise and effective.

All in all, thank you for the feedback.
>>
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>“I understand, I have trained with humans on your Pinwheel, under Miss Elysiedde.”
get out of there, Dennis!
>>
>>7030765
numba 9
>>
>>7032758
>I'm new to writing fiction and I was operating under the assumption that more descriptors=more detail=better
There's nothing wrong with being detailed but you'll find that people save heavy description for character introduction, moments of heavy self reflection and plot centrist pieces.
>>
>>7032782

But what if the cock is my plot centric peice?
>>
Requesting something about an interdimensional dating service. People answer a questionnaire and one of them is teleported to the other's world. It's almost always a perfect match.

A relatively small dragon has just been paired with a girl or a feminine guy who he assumes is of royal blood. Nope! They own a huge Dragon Dildo collection and can barely believe how lucky they are. Awkwardness and lewd ensures.
>>
>reading light novels
>realize how crappy they all are
>they're still somehow famous

Should I write erotic light novels for amazon?
>>
>>7032457

This is awesome, loved it all so far.

Some minor spelling errors, but I love this so much.

Don't stop!
>>
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>>7032845
Then you'll probably be writing a very SHORT story.
>>
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Been a while since I came here, t'was a short story I wrote a while ago, based on pic related, and I was wondering what people thought of it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13IhJ3_M7eDSMFUoAilrnJHnzQWoZfNLbC_rxZ-Uff0o/edit?usp=sharing

Don't think I ever actually finished it, couldn't decide on an ending.
>>
>>7032595
The initial kiss was perfect cuz the writing mirrored my reaction haha, started a good buildup. All the cumming didn't get old, as what tends to happen sometimes, especially considering the circumstance. I think the dick growth was less effective for me because it was shadowy, but smoothly implemented nonetheless.
Not neglecting balls and making good use of Link's design for BotW overall, v appreciated.

Looking back at my earlier feedback, 'positions' vs 'potions' both work to a degree, too hasty of me to suggest that. I wouldn't use 'goofily' ever again tho, too funny for that moment anyways.
>>
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>>7032290
Nice ^^ I like what you got
>>
>>7031498
pulled up my old discord account just for you!
https://discord.gg/bkNdU9P
>>
>>7032941
considering they are just Japanese versions of "young adult" fiction it's bound to be mostly trash
>>
Are there any decent stories featuring cow girls?
>>
>>7033101
The kind with horns or the kind with hats?
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>>7033011

Bud dum, tiss!
>>
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>>7033214
horns
>>
>>7033275
There's this one about a female minotaur from back in the /tg/ days
http://pastebin.com/tjkVhrLj
>>
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Never posted in one of these before, but I figure this is a good place for this.

Around May of last year, I dropped two chapters of a story in the now-defunct /gfd/ threads featuring a non-descript Second-Person male protagonist and Valentine from Skullgirls. Earlier this week I FINALLY came back to it and dropped a shorter third chapter, and plan on working on it in bits and pieces more consistently.

Here's the whole thing so far:
http://pastebin.com/HYzhwYmu

I suppose feedback is what I'm looking for.
>>
This is an odd question for here, but are there any main, cardinal rules to keep in mind when inventing a kind of cephalopod?
>>
>>7033307
other than it being aquatic I don't think so
>>
>>7033305
I remember that. It was pretty good, I liked the off-kilter way you wrote Valentine. Feel free to post any stuff you do (that's at least somewhat /d/ related) here.

I'll check out the new stuff this evening.
>>
>>7033305
>Second-Person

Stop that. The moment you have your non-character do something the reader wouldn't do, you throw them out of the story. This works for VN's giving the illusion of choice, or when you write for someone in particular whose kink you know (ERP'ing and the likes); but not for generic stories.

Either write in the first person if you want to focus on what MC's feels and make him a real character. Or go third person if you like to have a more "outstander watches spectacle unfold" approach.
>>
>>7033309
Hrm, okay. Only I'm contemplating this air-breathing freshwater version, like the size of a cow, with bones to give its main body internal support.

It lives in shallow waters that are heated by volcanic activity, so it can't go onto land or into colder waters for very long.

Reckon that's too much?
>>
>>7033316
The bones kind of defeat the point of it being cephalopod. Octopus can survive just fine in shallow water and even crawl around on land too to move to different sources of water. Aquariums have trouble with octopi escaping their tanks and sneaking into other tanks to eat the fish in those ones all the time. Wait, is this cephalopod an animal/monster or are you making some sort of monstergirl?
>>
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I've had this idea for a DnD-esque fic about a female noble paladin-in-training getting locked up in full chastity (probably with an enchantment to remove the need for toilet breaks) to preserve her worth as a political bargaining chip while out doing good. Of course she ends up teaming up with a bunch of good-looking and/or perverted fellows. The fic would focus on her getting more and more desperate to get off and how she deals with that and her spiral into perversion for sweet sweet relief.

It's just too bad i can't write my way out of a wet paper bag. So, instead i offer it up for you guys to use as you see fit. If you do feel like fleshing this out i'd be eternally grateful
>>
>>7033325
>Wait, is this cephalopod an animal/monster or are you making some sort of monstergirl?
Monster. I did consider the thing about Octopi being able to move around on land, but, considering the size of this thing, I figured it would need something to stop it being crushed under its own weight.
>>
>>7033332
The issue with bones is that the creature would lose it's extreme flexibility that cephalopods have and I have a feeling you want it to do the usual tentacle monster stuff.
>>
>>7033339
Not so much, actually. Only its central body has bones, the tentacles spread out from the sides so it can use them as ambulation and graspers.

What I was thinking of is that it seizes the heroine and drags her a short ways into the shallows, then uses its own bulk to immobilise her as it gets to work.
>>
Does /qst/ allow lewd quests?
>>
Not the OR but when is that warhammer smut being uploaded?
>>
>>7033447
If you keep bothering him he may not post it at all.
>>
>>7033311
>I liked the off-kilter way you wrote Valentine
I recall going for a balance between flirtatious and pragmatic. It's an interesting characterization to me, not something pulled off often.

>>7033312
Well, I can't change it now without rewriting the whole thing (I'd hate to just replace all the You's with He's or I's, I'd end up rephrasing everything). I have tried to keep the details of the MC to a minimum outside of the direct sexual interactions with Valentine. Thinking back, beyond placing yourself in the shoes of a citizen of New Meridian, the only particular thing I can think of that may have taken somebody out of the character was a bit about taking shots, so I guess anybody deathly afraid of needles might have been taken out of that moment, but I can't see why anybody who hates needles would get into Valentine in the first place.
>>
>>7033305
i liked this.
>>
Alright, reformatted and fixed so many tense errors I had missed before.

Gotta say it was pretty dammed annoying seeing that almost every site seems to ignore tab inserts when pasting over to their site...

http://pastebin.com/edit/xy4n6cNM

Gaint worm, M/F, Size Difference, Large Insertion, Exotic cock, Tentacles, Bondage, Extreme, Stomach Bulge, Cumflation, Impregnation, Birthing.
>>
>>7033507
You did post the pastebin, right?
>>
>>7033507
>>7033513
Just cut the 'edit' part out of the URL.
>>
>>7033594

Lol fuck...
>>
>>7033465
>I have tried to keep the details of the MC to a minimum

And that is precisely what you need to change if you want to improve as a writer. You are writing a story; and a story is about characters. Characters have their own personality, appearance, foibles, strengths, weaknesses, emotions and desires.

Don't worry, people will still be able to self-insert just fine if you make a real character out of your MC instead of a non-entity.
>>
>>7033304
thanks but I didn't like it
>>
>>7033327
I may adopt this idea for my tiefling paladin.
>>
>>7033445
It's a blue board, so I must assume the answer is no. Sorry, but given the way things are now lewd quests simply don't have a place on 4chan.

Might I suggest anonkun or whatever it's called?

>>7033450
THIS.

Having your request completed is not a right, it is a lucky break and you should be thankful it's being done at all. If you wanted it done in a specific time, you should have just commissioned it.

Don't be surprised if you have to wait months on end for it; good fics take a long time to write, and asking "are you done yet?" over and over will accomplish nothing save for ensuring that nobody ever writes anything for you again.
>>
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>>7033507
Alright, I read a little bit of your story, spotted some grammatical issues that were left in when you changed tenses. These are just the ones I spotted when I skimmed the first 20 lines as an example, and there's a bunch more throughout the story. These are completely understandable, but it'd be a good idea if you went back and combed through again just to catch all the ones that got through the first time.
>Line 3, "it had just one task was instilled in its being." - Superfluous 'it' or 'was'.
>Line 5, "What it found in her is" - 'is' should be 'was'.
>Line 6, "bouncing wildly on Quuhod’s muscular thighs and his thick cock was plunging deeply into her sex." - 'and' makes the sentence a bit >cumbersome, perhaps 'as' would be a better word. "and s soft" - simple typo, 's' should be 'a'.
>Line 7, "that she can smell" - 'can' should be 'could', tense issue again.
>Line 8, "was still is left" - superfluous 'is'.
>Line 15, "her sex with when her arousal" - superfluous 'with'.
>Line 19, "half-lidded eyes widen at the discovery of his prone body, His corpse" - 'widen' should be 'widened', comma should be a full stop. "this world on won’t take his body" - 'won't' should be 'wouldn't'.

Pure grammar aside, I do have some personal notes on style and substance. If you'll allow me to be blunt, I think the writing is quite clumsy and unengaging. That's not to say that it's unenjoyable; I think the premise has a lot of potential, and I'm certain there are a lot of people out there who do like this style of writing - just not me.

First things first, the narration is a bit too omniscient and passive, leaving very little to the imagination, yet lacks any sort of introduction or exposition. I'm told exactly what is happening as the pyramid works its magic and the exact feelings and reactions of the main character, yet I have next to no idea who the main character is, why she's doing anything, why she's where she is or even just where she is.
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>>7033984
>Continued
Similarly, a number of sentences follow a "She did X and then she did Y" sort of pattern, with minimal breaks in the structure and few variations of how you start and link clauses together, which can (and does, very quickly) lead to dry and characterless reading. Differences in structure and language between portions of a story is a very effective tool to show an increase in pace, set tension, or change points of view, but when every sentence uses the same style throughout the entire story, scenes that would otherwise have distinct personalities tend to blur together and feel samey, tonally speaking.

On the subject of language: guile and restraint are your friend. In just the early portion of the story, there are SO MANY adjectives that soon began to detract from the experience for me, simply in terms of abundance. Almost every other sentence had at least two or three 'exciting' adjectives thrown in that didn't need to be there.
On top of that, you have descriptions of the main character within the first dozen or so lines that are way out of place and sometimes border on the juvenile (busty blonde, lithe body, her large tits, The busty woman exposed a wide valley of cleavage, She looked down at her rack in confusion, her mounds, constricted globes, etc. The word 'breast' is never used, oddly) in what would normally be the place where you have build up and character development.

I feel like all my points could be boiled down to "Vary your language", but it is seriously such an important aspect of fiction that I think it should be explained further. The worm is big and disgusting, yes, but using 'massive' and 'slimy' and 'disgusting' to describe it and its actions multiple times within a very short period is just repetitious.

Basically, just keep practising your art, and try to change things up a bit.
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Off in the genderswap thread, someone posted this https://exhentai.org/g/977040/2223a7b23a/ and gave me an idea for a more vanilla story with a similar premise.

Meek genderswap disease'd boy gets taken in by a group of delinquent girls. Less blackmail/slave-training, more vanilla /u/ amd friendship with a dash of corruption/gyarufication in the longterm.
>>
>>7033987
Oh, one last pet peeve. The word "that" is instantly unerotic, and overuse makes my soul hurt. You use it a few times, but at a roughly acceptable level in my opinion. If you want to see what that looks like taken to a disgusting extreme, look up a (Furry, also pretty trashy) author called Sherri Mayim. Their works are dogshite and they bludgeon "that" into every sentence about eighteen times.
>>
>>7033954
>>7033445
tgchan is good with lewd quests while being the closest to running on 4chan you can get. I always find anonkun clunky and less involving.
>>
>>7033973
Several problems, as a matter of fact. We keep politics out of our lewd here.
>>
>>7033089
That explains why it's so hard for me to write, it's coming out fucking terrible but matches up perfectly with the LNS I'm looking at.
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>>7033973
That sounds like one of those appallingly naff celebrity erotica things you find on low-rent fiction sites only somehow even worse.
>>
>>7034042
don't except any of us to read it then if you post it
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>>7033984

Alright that is a lot of instruction to absorb! I'll take another crack at it today and try to improve on the issues.

Thanks for putting so much thought into how I can improve my work.
>>
>>7032471
>>7032762
Update, food porn edition.

Fineprint:
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2

>>7033075
Awesome gif!
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>>7034104
Thanks ^^ I also imported the height map into fractal terrains if you want climate, temp, rainfall, and a pretty satellite view
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>>7034110
Nice! I'm saving all of these in a folder, I'm sure I can make good use of them one day.
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>>7034113
Awesome I'll email you
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>>7033692
What didn't you like?
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>>7033312
>not third-person limited, which has the advantages of both
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>>7034104
>>
>>7032696
Anyone following this?
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>>7033984

Narrowing the narrative to more just run off her experiences, I threw in a lot more exposition to better explain her situation.

I also made the mistake of just jumping off where the movie had that one sexploition scene. So that was extremely lazy of me!

Ill try and curb my adjectives.

Its constructive help like yours that will honestly improve me the most. until I found /efg/ I had been mostly just throwing my stories at a wall and seeing what stuck.
>>
>>7034104
Fun fact: carnivores tend to be much more susceptible to poisons than omnivores and herbivores.

This is suspected to be in large part due to the fact that plants can be far more toxic while still functioning (in the same way that trees can tolerate and even thrive being transplanted to the root system of a different species of tree, but good luck stitching the legs off one animal to the torso of another of the same species, let alone a different species).

One particular quirk of humans and some related primates is our ability to cope with large amounts of alcohol, which is extremely rare. I've read one paper that believes it was an adaptation of fruit-eating ancestors to be able to make greater use of fallen fruit beginning to ferment long past the point that most species would be horribly drunk or even poisoned. Since ethanol is one of a very small number of molecules small enough to infiltrate synapses and thus cause inebriation while also not being so reactive as to be incredibly hazardous, this is potentially relevant to social interactions in storytelling.

tl;dr the more strictly carnivorous a creature is the easier they tend to be to poison, and humans in particular can drink most species under the table several times over by bodymass.

aaaand now to actually read the update. I'd just been doing some unrelated reading and thought those characteristics might be of interest to anyone here writing fics with alien or fantasy races as something to play around with.
>>
>>7034162
It's on my list of things to look over tonight. I only saw it this morning.
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>>7034186
> thought those characteristics might be of interest to anyone here writing fics with alien or fantasy races as something to play around with.
I have a sci-fi setting I've been tinkering with and I love shit like this. I hate when people try to make completely alien aliens, but then just make them humans with some funky quirks.
>>
>>7034186
That's useful info, I was thinking of doing a bar scene, now I have far more information to run with.
>>
>>7034209
Glad to be of help!

>>7034233
At least humans may yet get to be hardcore in the eyes of average Borealans in one aspect. Dennis probably needs all the help he can get.

If you ever want to mess around with another culinary tough guy cliche, spice is generally a side effect of a plant's efforts to be poisonous, so most carnivores are really crap at tolerating it. It will never not be funny when a dog runs up to see if she can scavenge some of your meal only to recoil in twitching horror from your vindaloo or a small pot of wasabi. Or when the cat does a twisting backflip after nosing too close to a jalapeno based sauce.
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>>7034113

Is there going to be a snek 4 and will our hero ever have a viper egg implanted in his body?
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>>7034285
>Is there going to be a snek 4
while I felt like snekguy brought things to a natural close in part 3, little vignettes set beyond that point could be fun
>and will our hero ever have a viper egg implanted in his body?
wait what
>>
>>7034285
I tried to end that story with 3, but I guess
>>7034289
kind of stuff is still on the table. Of course I can do plenty more XCOM/Viper stories that don't feature those specific characters.

>will our hero ever have a viper egg implanted in his body?

W-what? No? Is that something that happens!?
>>
>>7034233
Personally, I'd love a short oneshot about Stan and Raz spending a night on earth for R&R, or Stanley getting sent moonshine from home as a holiday gift, resulting in drunkenness on human alcohol.

Just imagine how warm she would be to cuddle with...
>>7034285
Anon, you're thinking of Beegirls. Snekgirls don't oviposit.
>>
>>7034293
Anon's probably thinking of the Snakemen from the original X-COM. The autopsy there says they reproduce asexually and carry loads of eggs in their lower body... so it's not such a jump to think A) Vipers have loads of eggs, and B) they like to find hosts for the eggs, instead of carrying them to term themselves.
>>
>>7034289
>>7034293
>>7034299
>>7034305

Reading this reaction to oviposition from a viper is unsettling. What happened to you /d?
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>>7034310
Well I think most of Anon is thinking that it'd be, y'know, as (or more) survivable as real-life childbirth. Not Xenomorph chestbursters (or Chryssalids, if you want to stay with the XCOM theme).

Something like "egg goes in kinda soft and leathery, absorbs genetic/nutritional material, hardens and gets re-laid just before hatching".
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>>7034104
Keep it coming.
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>>7034310
Because it's not a thing that would logically happen. It's like asking
>Great story, but when is the bear going to crawl into his dick?
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>>7034310
It is a female though.
I can see a Viper King doing that, but in XCOM 2 they reproduce normally.

>Once killed, the description mentions that he was already reproducing with the female Vipers, despite being only recently hatched.

That's good motivation for killing him in-game, he's stealing all your snek wimminz.
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>>7034320

Sadly, I never played it. The reason being that 80 Canadian Pesos is highway robbery. I ordered it for 20 Canadian Pesos just yesterday though and will have it Tuesday.

And there's no reason Vi's lover shouldn't be swollen with her get. My head cannon is WAY more deviant than yours is apparently.

Of course, I'm a sick puppy, so you know...
>>
>>7034333
It's a great game, the mods alone give it basically infinite replay value.
My favorite mods:

ODST Gears
Capnbubs Accessories Pack
Garrus Vakarian Voicepack
Military Camouflage Patterns
More Maps Pack
Halo Reach Helmets
Arnold
Johnson Voice Pack
Spartan 4 Mod
Bleed Out Mod
Tali Zorah Voice Pack
GOW Voicepack
Wrex Voice Pack
Full Character Customization From Start
Ink And Paint
Stop Wasting My Time
More armor colors
Shocktrooper
Partial Mission Success
STI Classmod
Field Medic Class
Stabilize Me
Heal Grenade
Better Aim 1.0
Halo Customizable Armors
Imperial Guard Voice Pack
Halo Reach Weapons
LW_SMG Pack
Super Awesome Skyranger
AK12 Assault Rifle
M1911 Pistol
HK416 Assault Rifle
M249 Light Machine Gun
Desert Eagle Pistol
870MCS Shotgun
HK416 and HK417 Variants
G36 Rifle Pack
L115 Sniper Rifle
BF4 Railgun
Titan Fall Gear
Stenchfury Modular Helmets
ARCHER's Sterling Archer
Playable Advent
Better Avatar Project
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>>7032696
I like what I've read so far, interested to see where it goes.
>>
/v/ thread about us being stuck in super mario 64. Wrote one just for laughs haha

Princess Peach awakened from this wonderful dream where her prayers for a merciful death were finally answered. She should be so lucky. It is day 128 after what she has deemed the anonymous coup. As she appeared outside of her castle, vaguely aware that she had been saved, she anticipated that it was Mario responsible for restoring her freedom. She opened her eyes, prepared to give some half-baked thank you and a cock block. But as comprehension found her, she realized that Mario cannot help her now. Thousands of neckbeards returned her bewildered stare with lustful, greedy eyes. Her Toads tried to defuse the situation and stepped forward. They were accosted immediately by serveral of the greasier /v/irgins, their cocks immediately thrust into every available orifice (and several makeshift orifices). One particularly gaunt looking anon commanded the Toad he held in his grip to shit himself, unaware that he had been beaten to the punch by instinct. Peach opened her mouth to scream. She was immediately silenced by dicks. Never would she know how many dicks deflected her agonized cries. Or maybe she just never wanted to know. Her head was swimming so hard that she did not realize immediately that the pain she was feeling below the waist was the result of one anon who felt that knocking on the back door was just time wasted comparing to barging in. Perhaps this anon simply wanted his instant gratification, as a line looped around haphazardly from the bridge to the cannon waiting to gain carnal knowledge of the fair lady. She knew when the first of her violators was finished as a warm and sticky sensation rested on her womb. She didn't need to wait for this anon to remove his rapidly deflating member to understand not just what had happened to her, but indeed what was about to happen to her.

Such is the life of Peach Toadstool, monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom turned sexual public servant.
>>
>>7033984

Alright, so with your input I managed to spend pretty much the remainder of my day smoothing it out

Expanded the story, added more exposition giving some needed back background.

Pretty much terminated the use of 'that' its surprising how little you need it.

Also cut down on the overuse of adjectives... though ill admit that one was hard when it came to the sexual part of it.

I also used much softer words describing her before building up to the moment.

I also tried to add some more variety how I wrote what was happening as you suggested.

http://pastebin.com/xy4n6cNM


Gaint worm, M/F, Size Difference, Large Insertion, Exotic cock, Tentacles, Bondage, Extreme, Stomach Bulge, Cumflation, Impregnation, Birthing.

Hope you enjoy.
>>
>post pokefucking on FA
>100+ views
>0 comments

Fug.
>>
>>7034869
Welcome to the writefag life. You can never get any feedback or review unless you demand it outright.
>>
>>7034905
if it's not asked for it feels kinda rude to give criticism
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>>7034905
Yeah, and ten years later, you are randomly talking about one of your stories and suddenly three people speak up with "I always loved your stories!"

Then why didn't you comment? Do you know how many times I almost gave up. A single comment is all it takes to keep someone going, any little bit of validation.
>>
>>7034869
I only have a handful of comments on my stuff and I have six stories up, I wouldn't worry. FA seems to be pretty low traffic.
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>>7033042
I always loved these little things. As for the ending, I was wondering if maybe the company that was engineering these things hadn't figured out how to ensure a queen is born and were sending these somewhere else to be opened to find out. Fast forward to your smuggler being knocked up with only males. Maybe only 1 of the possibly 2 eggs(for numbers sake) inside a hugger is viable, and they birth themselves, slithering out their respective hole. The newborns scramble over hugger corpses to grow, and those that didn't get their own cannibalize each other for further population control, after searching the ship. They grow into likewise engineered-to-breed aliens, and as only males, they end up just having an ongoing orgy with the smuggler until the destination is reached.
>>
>>7033042
>>7034917
>tl;dr edition

~7 bred-to-fuck aliens birthed and matured by sliding out respective holes, eating huggers or eachother, endless orgy to destination.
>>
Just had a thought, you know how astronauts end up growing an inch or two while in space due to the lack of gravity pushing them down like on Earth. Well, the same could apply to Borealens that live in Earth level gravity for long enough too. Meaning Borealens who live off world and around humans would end being bigger/taller than Borealans who stay on their planet.
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>>7034911
Wrong. If they didn't want critique, it wouldn't have been posted in a place where other people could see it in the first place.
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>>7034911
I for one am a masochistic slut for critique and never find it rude
>>
I require more stories with deiphilia
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>>7034912
Because I was always too ashamed to admit that I liked them? Well, I've never read any of your actual stuff, just stuff from the rodo. Mostly TDM's stuff, actually.
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Update, new content starts at "Borealans also enjoy gourds, more for their texture than their flavor"

Fineprint:
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2

>>7034950
That's an interesting idea, that would probably happen, yeah.

>>7034717
You're getting there with the formatting, it looks much better now, don't be afraid to throw those tabs around.
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>>7035330
>>7034950
It's always only a minor, temporary effect since it's not actual growth, just the spine decompressing. It's a fascinating effect, but since it's limited to around a 3% increase by the structure of the skeleton, it's not the kind of thing you can spot by eye without taking proper comparative measurements.

You're usually up to an inch taller in the mornings for the same reason, since when you're laying flat you decompress as well; not much less than the astronaut height change. As far as I'm aware the only reason it takes a month or so for an astronaut to lose the extra height rather than a day or two is because the cartilage in the spine has longer to settle in to the wider spacing, so it takes longer to recompress.
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>>7035111
Define it first, if you would be so kind.
>>
>>7035575
I looked it up, it's a fetish for having sex with God.
>>
>>7035575
Deiphilia = Deity loving, I'd assume.
>>
I did a little experiment with a quasi-omniscient third person narrative style. I don't think the experiment went very well, but that might just be because of my inexperience with the narrative style in the first place. Regardless of how unhappy I am with it, I still feel the need to continue on with the story as a whole. I'm not going to let it end here like I did with my Amazon story; there will be a proper conclusion to this.

Automaton: http://pastebin.com/3tNx8SFr

Tags: hetero, robot-girl, ball-joints, nursing handjob, science pulp-fiction, more to come.

As a bonus, I've made a handy-dandy webm that explains how all of the technology used in this well-researched science-fiction story works: http://i.4cdn.org/wsg/1474327143815.webm
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So, I'm editing down a rp chat that takes place in fantasy Japan, specifically the DnD stuff. Featuring a pangolin Hengeyokai (pictured here) and her human adoptive brother (no parents, they're in a gang together). It's hella weeb-shit too.

What I came here to ask while I work on this for my own purposes is: does anyone here care about chubby pangolin grills?
>>
>>7035575
>>7035582
>>7035583
Yeah, and like really pin home how insignificant the human is compared to the god.
>>
>>7035756
Sure, sounds good
>>
>>7032696
I'm not a particular fan of the overall mood (although I can see the appeal), but I like how you're doing the setup. Dragging out the exposition with only minor smuttiness really fits the story.
>>
>>7034869
Which FA?
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>>7035756
>fantasy Japan
Okay.
>DnD stuff
Stop right there. There are dozens of systems built for doing weeb-shit well. DnD is not one of them. Hell, even GURPS is better.
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>>7035781
Is that because you wouldn't like it no matter how well it was written? Or because I'm doing the mood poorly?
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>>7035819
Well, I don't think hengeyokai are in any other system (that I know of) but I agree. I recently got to try L5R and that was really fun.

Though, in my stories Rokugan is just sort of a weeb-shit area in my DnD Fantasy world
>>
>>7035851
I'm sure that plenty of systems for weebing that include kitsune and tanuki.
>>
>>7035859
But pangolin grills! I can't call them either of those things. I mean, I guess I could just come up with a name for it, but I just kinda used the word hengeyokai because I like it and it most accurately describes such a race that is not only half animal is also extremely in tune with the spirit realm.

So, do you like the story idea or are you just salty that I'm using a term that is pretty much a Wizard and Paizo exclusive race in my story?
>>
>>7035867
I don't really give a fuck about pangolins. What you're describing to me are most often just called beastmen or beastfolk. Throw in that their tribe has fae blood and you're in. In any case, making them weebish is rather odd, seeing as they are endemic to Africa, India, and China, not Japan.
>>
>>7035890
Okay, then I guess you won't be reading it then. Sorry it's not up your alley.
>>
>>7035611
>that webm
You lied to me.

But in all seriousness, the problem that jumps out at me most is that it opens with no information on who the hell these people are or what the setting is and assumes that the reader already knows through the entirety of the story. No context, no introduction, and absolutely no reason to care about any of the characters. Cold openings work well for television, but this isn't TV and you need to have a solid opening to establish things.

And you can't be quasi-omniscient- it's an all-or-nothing thing. So as a result, the robot women's actions make absolutely no sense, which is perhaps another reason why it might have left that impression. And on an unrelated note, it doesn't even feel very erotic either- nursing handjobs are supposed to have a tender and caring aspect, and here it feels entirely clinical in an unnatural way.

Honestly? I think you'd be better off dropping this. Any continuation would be saddled down so badly by the mistakes of this segment that there would be no hope of it being much better. Instead, simply learn from your mistakes here and move on.

>>7035760
And what's the story? You need to give more than a fetish for a prompt to be taken.
>>
>>7035906
Not him, but I didn't realize you needed permission to post a fic here. Just post it. If people want to read it, they will. If not, then that's just the way it is.
>>
>>7035921
Well, no one is taking this prompt. I'm gonna release it hopefully later this week if I can find the missing parts. That said, I'll give you an idea of the story.

A human leader of a street gang gets possessed by an evil spirit and rapes his younger, female gang member. Adoptive brother and sister, so not real incest but there's a lot of "brother" and "sister" and weeb-nicknames. Afterwords they go on an adventure to hunt down the spirit that possessed him while trying to emotionally heal his adoptive sister.
>>
>>7035923
Well, I'm still working on it, but since it's on my brain but not finished I thought I'd like to gauge reactions and maybe and build the story from said reactions.
>>
>>7035931
And where is the deiphilia? I don't see that in your description, just a typically cliche case of possession.
>>
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>>7035974
A surprise in the story, but kind of a deity in the case of Japanese spirits.
>>
>>7035986
Oh phooey. I was hoping for more of a human on goddess sort of thing, but don't let my whining stop you.
>>
>>7035986
Well, I like writing that stuff. If you have something a little more specific you'd like I could better tailor a story for you and your obscure fetish, because I too share that obscure fetish.
>>
>>7035611
really good
great contrast between the behaviors of the 2 characters
>>
Alright gave Ravaged some fair amount of love and attention. (I worked at it all fucking day.)

Reformatted the text structure like Galaxy. Squashed oh so many tense issues, probably missed some but I am tired now.

I really tried to narrow the focus on Victoria's perspective but without using the first person narration.

http://pastebin.com/vHa934MM

Werewolf, M/F, Reluctance, Knot, Large insertion, Stomach Bulge, Cumflation, Impregnation, Birthing.

Enjoy!
>>
>>7034869


I'll read them if theyre actually a story with sex in it instead of the other way around. Link?
>>
A writing general? This is the closest I'll get to a thrad I'm looking for.

To keep it brief, I'm looking for movies that don't JUST focus on the porn. They have good plot or good animation or etc, something for me and my gf to enjoy together.

Recommendations appreciated, there isn't a "good hentai movie" list.
>>
>>7036367
From the top of my head, try "Suika" or "Words Worth" for plot with the porn.
>>
>>7035921
Thank you for your honesty.

>a solid opening to establish things.
Is there a checklist you have for this, because I'm a bit lost at how in-depth things need to be before they're considered 'solid.' Is implicit backstory not an acceptable route to take here? Is the tangibility of the universe unsatisfying? Is the time frame too ambiguous? Do I need to spend a few paragraphs explaining to the reader directly how much the human race has marched forward since the year 2016? Is Kurt Vonnegut's proverbial glass of water missing? Etcetera.

>And you can't be quasi-omniscient- it's an all-or-nothing thing.
After dabbling in it for six thousand words, I completely agree. I don't think I'll be dabbling in it again anytime soon; I like to keep my perspective switches between section breaks, and the compromise I attempted was just abysmal.

>it feels entirely clinical in an unnatural way.
Yes.

>Honestly? I think you'd be better off dropping this.
Unfortunately, for this particular failure I will not be taking the easy way out. Not this time. Improvement doesn't come from running away from challenge and adversity. I'll let this simmer while I take care of another little bolt of inspiration, and then I'll get right back to it.

Again, thank you for your time and honesty.
>>
>>7036384
Implicit backstory doesn't work very well if so much of it is implicit that the reader can't figure out any of it on their own. Who are Clive and Childs? Why are those robots acting so creepy? Those and numerous other questions font even come close to being answered, and thus the work suffers for it. You can't leave it all implicit.
>>
>>7036055
Hestia is best-ia.
>>
>>7036388
Chapter two will make things a little less implicit, as was planned from the start.
>>
>>7036059
I know it's really late but, meant to quote this one
>>7036055
>>
>>7035921
>And on an unrelated note, it doesn't even feel very erotic either- nursing handjobs are supposed to have a tender and caring aspect, and here it feels entirely clinical in an unnatural way.
i thought that was the point - to take a usually comforting and intimate moment and pervert because his incarceration and the use of emotionless robots.
>>
So I'm working on a pokefucking netori story. Looking at the prologue I feel like I'm fucking up horribly. Anyone care to take a look and put more precise words on what I'm doing wrong?

http://pastebin.com/THH6J3Xy
>>
>>7035294
Yeah, TDM stuff is a lot of fun to read.

I suspect the discomfort/shame of reading it keeps a lot of people silent. I can see the website hits (back when I had a tracker) so I knew people were reading it. It was just frustrating because I would go years without a single comment and, like many authors, I'm plagued with self-doubt and anxiety. :) That validation makes it a lot easier to keep writing.

I ended up just throwing more and more words, a lot of stories and novels, out there in an addict-fueled desire to have interaction with readers. It didn't really work but I keep hoping the "next one" would be the one that would get comments. That is also why I'm spending so much effort on Derik's Luck and Puppy Mill, those got comments. :)
>>
Right now I'm working on something like a world where gender roles are reversed and it's set in a medieval time frame.
What's a good male-equivalent for "maiden"? I need something that implies purity and virtue. Right now I'm using "bachelor" but it doesn't really have that ring to it I'm looking for.
>>
>>7036535
Courtier? Aide? if it's reversed genders, some sort of chef or maybe servant/butler? maybe an apprentice would be up there?
>>
>>7036535
"Page" might do the trick, as might "courtier", "novice" or "neophyte".
>>
>>7036535
Lad.

But seriously, you're probably going to have to refer to each male character by their profession. There's not really a good blanket term with the connotation you want.
>>
>>7036535
man-maid, though that's more of an insulting one
celibate, but that's not exactly the same
could try virtuoso
>>
>>7036544
>>7036547
>>7036551
These are all really good, though most of them are very profession-specific. It's more of a "Get your hands off that pure maiden!" situation.
Thanks for the quick replies!

>>7036548
Lad might actually work since the male character is pretty young.
You're probably right, since a society like this never existed it wouldn't make sense for english to have the exact word I'm looking for.
Appreciate your help, though.
>>
Are there any writers here taking commissions?

Tags would be: shemale, cock vore, anal vore, containment/entrapment, attribute/trait theft, rape, humiliation, shemale "mpreg"
>>
Anons? If it's not against the thread's themes, I could use some help with worldbuilding for a new smutfic I've cooked up.

Basically, it involves a human trap "pink mage" (for lack of a better placeholder title) - this is essentially a Blue Mage, ala Final Fantasy, but he gets his power from monsters by being fucked by assorted futanari monsters & monstergirls - goblins, orcs, gnolls, kobolds, nagas, ettercaps, ogres, trolls, minotaurs, etc. Of course, this has the side effect that he tends to get pregnant. A lot. Which forces him to continue adventuring (which is not just a euphemism for "whoring himself out to any demihuman girl with a taste for girlybois") in order to support his ever-growing brood.

What I could use some help with is, mostly, ideas on what kinds of powers he could get from having fucked various monsters. So far, all I've got are Bucking Bronco (flash step to a target and then megaton punch said target; further you teleport, harder you hit) from a Centaur, and some Slime spells (Acid Spray, Glob, Splatterspurt).
>>
Holy shit, these threads are allowed on /d/ now?

I stopped coming to /d/ years ago because any thread that was not an image dump got purged by faggy janitors. I am so happy to see this.
>>
>>7036645
I mean...

How much are you offering?
>>
>>7036714
No idea

Never commissioned anything before. I'd like the story to be on the longer side, 15k words?
>>
Dear Snekguy,

I know nothing of X Com and I don't like snake girls, but your stories seem so popular and you push them out so fast so I'd like to read some thing by you. What do you suggest?
>>
>>7036398
Even after reading the story several times, I haven't the slightest idea who the main characters are (apart from their names) and even less idea why anyone is doing what they're doing. As far as I could tell, they were just two random guys who went off to the planet of the psycho fembots for no reason. It simply does not make sense.

Making a continuation of what's currently written is unlikely to fix all of that, and might in fact make the whole thing even more contrived. It's not taking the easy way out, it's knowing your limits and realizing that sometimes you just can't salvage a bad product. I was in a similar situation once, and I spent nearly a month before I realized all my attempts at fixing one dud of a fic that seemed better in my head were in fact actively making it worse. Don't make my mistake and realize that quitting really is for the best.

Also, I forgot to mention this- the idea of transportation by effectively being liquefied is nonsensical and doesn't really fit in any form of sci-fi; it's too crude and admittedly gross to fit into the conventional "soft" sci-fi, and it makes no scientific sense so it's equally unfitting for "hard" sci-fi.

TL;DR- it doesn't need a sequel, it needs a total rewrite.
>>
>>7036404
Lucky for you I'm rather simple to please. The only real kinks I'm looking for are vanilla, creampies, and suitably prolonged bouts of sex. Like, an entire night of nonstop fucking. Maybe something like a goddess of love/sex "blessing" a follower by giving him the fucking of his life. (Humanoid body preferred, I should add.)

Or maybe a lewder equivalent of the Judgment of Paris - some lucky bastard is forced to choose which of seceral goddesses is the fairest by how good they are in bed. That sort of thing.

Of course, if you have other ideas that can incorporate those things, go ahead and pitch them at me.
>>
>>7036657
Nagas could probably give some sort of mental spells such as charm, command monster or human, or it could be some sort of poison ability.
I'm not sure about the rest though.
>>
>>7036730
>>7036645

This is weird as shit, so just FYI....


Again I don't know what the general or fair pricing is...

To put more detail in what I'd like, and to explain why I'd like it much longer than shorter or broken up in chapters.

A very arrogant/proud shemale whore is jealous of a new extremely curvy and well endowed 'coworker' who has been stealing her clients. She plots to find something to blackmail her rival. managing to seduce her easily, she immediately gets raped by her rival, as she is significantly taller and thicker. While fucking, her rival experiments with large insertions while she recovers. This leads to using both of her arms and somehow being sucked completely in and swallowed whole.

Whore wakes up with a very taut pregnant belly, and soon discovers she is getting taller/curvier, her rival is apparently not in her stomach, somewhere else and is being compressed, and vocally bitchy when her rival wakes up inside. She taunts her rival as she goes back to work, getting her clients back as day after day getting curvier and stealing/copying her rivals hair/eye color/etc. the rival isn't digested, just trapped, and she still has a pregnant belly.

This eventually leads to a futaXm couple who likes to be dominated, both are very hung. They are extremely wealthy and are paying very well. The whore ends up escalating to swallowing them both with her cock, keeping them in her balls, inflating them hugely. They both love staying in her and somehow are able to breathe, drink, and eat cum, never needing to leave as they sleep most of the time. The whore absorbs their cocks, and they give her access to all of their money, proudly claiming them as a part of her body and ends up growing a second pair of balls. Her rival still wakes up inside of her only to be bullied.

It ends when she has a young femboy walks in with a huge ass, and she is tempted to add him to herself.
>>
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>>7036751
I'll link you to a couple of stories with the description, maybe one will strike your fancy.

Crashland:
http://pastebin.com/E6WVfvK1
>A hapless freighter pilot crashes on a hostile planet and must travel across an inhospitable desert with the help of a mysterious alien.

Pinwheel:
http://pastebin.com/gKNTw6pr
>Stanley drops out of agricultural school to join the Navy, and is sent off to a space station known as the Pinwheel to complete his training as a UNN marine, there he meets Raz, an unruly alien who he will be forced to befriend if he wants to complete the program.

Splashdown:
http://pastebin.com/22tbp4XP
>A landing craft on a mission to a remote jungle planet is shot down, the only survivors are the reluctant human pilot, and a wounded Borealan warrior. To his dismay she declares her intentions to complete their mission, if he will give his help willingly or otherwise. Forced to cooperate, the two must overcome their differences if they want to survive.

The tags for those are all basically the same:
>monstergirl, alien, size difference, muscle, sweat, femdom, dubious consent, oral, orgasm denial, kissing, biting, handjob, light bondage, vaginal, hair pulling

Splashdown is a bit more rapey, but you might not have a good idea of what's going on unless you read Pinwheel first. Crashland is standalone.
I have free Ebooks for all of those with chapters, I can provide links if you'd rather read them in that format.
>>
>>7036559
"Boy" often works in those situations. A lot of the meaning is carried by context, but most importantly it has strict meanings relating to general youth, inexperience, and childhood which can imply vulnerability and innocence/purity.

Lad is more "rough and ready"; though a little dated, "gal" would be roughly analogous, and while that often has connotations of vulnerability, it rarely indicates virtue.
>>
Does anyone have a pastebin for the writefag doing the 40k story?

I wanted to see if he had any other work I could read to pass the time.
>>
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>>7036657
>he tends to get pregnant
>of course
>>
>>7036773
>like a goddess of love/sex "blessing" a follower by giving him the fucking of his life
This has been done a thousand times. Give us something more original to go with.
>>
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3000 word update, new content starts at "She steered him past vendors and stalls"

Fineprint:
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2
>kissing, biting, drinking, smoking
>>
>>7036947
Aw, I like that idea though. I guess it could be refluffed as simply a random fling because she needs to be fucked or something. Still, here's some other ideas.

A reverse-Zeus. a normally high-and-mighty queen of the gods who is not-so-secretly has a raging libido and an interest in fucking anyone with a pulse and a dick?

Or perhaps the defloration of a virgin goddess in the vein of Artemis, who becomes so entranced with a handsome mortal that she's willing to give it up to him.

As long as the creampies and exrended fucking are in and it isn't overly /d/ (e.g. no futa, no rape though I guess a little mental manipulation might be fine, etc.), I'll be fine with it.
>>
>>7035833
You're doing an excellent job of writing it. If I had different tastes, I would probably love it. That being said, for all of the fucked up, unspeakable smut I consume (and write), I've always had a romantic side. Ergo, I have a hard time appreciating stories along the lines of what you are writing. That being said, not everyone shares my opinion on this matter. From a story and technical perspective, you're doing well. Keep going (just not for me).
>>
>>7036949
Man, Borealans seem awful prone to wanting to make humans part of their packs once the idea of sex occurs to them
It's almost like their highly stratified society is suppressing some of their emotional range
>>
>>7034905
>>7034913
>>7035783
>>7036355
>www.furaffinity.net/

Sorry shiny it's just porn shorts at the moment, I am working on a short oc pokemon series how ever, but a big part of me wants to rebrand it completely.
>>
>>7037096
Humans are MOE.
>>
>>7036805
did I make it too weird/specific?
>>
I'm bored. Gimme smut ideas to write. Preferably something short. Will give priority to whatever is 'interesting'.
>>
>>7037218
That, or it's just that nobody wants to do it. Just put it in the request list and wait.

>>7037278
What about all the ones posted in the thread thus far?
>>
>>7037300
That involves me making a choice and that's what I was trying to avoid.

Yes, I'm awful, I know. Sorry.
>>
>>7037300
I was looking to commission rather than request
>>
>>7037302
Consider doing one or all of these:
>>7036773
>>7036963

Is that better?

>>7037305
Well, not many of us do commissions here. Sorry to let you down.
>>
>>7034717
Just gave it a skim, I have to say it's a vast improvement in my opinion. There's still some funkiness with some out-of-place tenses and odd sentence structures, but it's definitely better than before. That little bit of added backstory and extra subtlety to the early descriptions gave me a place to properly 'enter' the story.
There's a lot of potential, just keep on refining your art and trying new things.

>>7036949
I've also got a few notes for this story as well. Some grammar stuff, some personal quibbles.
First, I spotted two little oddities: Line 52 starts with "We circled", and 173 has "I looked to Xhe", both being first-person perspective in an otherwise third-person story. Probably just typos.
Second, speech followed by 'he said', 'she purred', anything that modifies the speech and the like uses a comma instead of a full stop to finish the quote ("Blah blah," he said.).
Third, you've still got some trouble with long, winding sentences broken up only by commas. They don't seem quite as noticeable as in your previous work - partially because it fits better with the more drawn out pacing of the story - but it's still fairly present.

Moving onto more personal issues, the story felt a bit... passive, or detached, I suppose? It seemed like it was just a vehicle to provide exposition for the Borealan's culture, which it did well if that solely was the goal, but the main character still feels pretty one-note - something that's also present in some of your other stories that I've read, but that's for another day. It delved a bit too deeply into long, flat descriptions of things, which followed in some of the speech, especially Dennis'. Part of that is simply your writing style, and while I think it's a good idea to set your own distinct style amongst so many others, I would've liked to see some more variation and energy to it.
>>
>>7037314
>Continued
On the subject of speech, much of it felt like the characters had been handed a script they disliked, and usually came out listless and stilted to me.
>“I wanted to see the city! I've been cooped up the in the embassy for a week, adapting to the gravity, and now I want to learn about your people and culture, so I can better perform my duties.”
While impassive speech can work well, for example with characters speaking in their second language and thus don't quite understand the subtleties of it all, or as a reflection of a particularly dull character, when someone is meant to sound casual yet still speaks with a very formal structure, it comes off a bit jarring.

I was also pretty iffy about drawing direct correlations from certain Borealan things to Terran things (Russian accents, Bayeux Tapestry, etc), but that's a very minor thing.

Overall, I actually quite liked what you did with the story. I enjoy cultural exposition, and I like big, tipsy beastpeople drunkenly feeling up their inferiors, so those parts got two wangs up from me, but I would've liked it all to be just a touch more gripping.
>>
>>7037305
How much you paying?
>>
>>7037318
I really don't know the pricing of this stuff. I've never commissioned anything before. If you'd like we can haggle and come to an agreement.
>>
>>7037218
I was going to take up the request but I honest to shit cannot write something like that, it's depth is just beyond me.

>>7037327
Normally with commissions you specify the expected length.
>>
>>7037332
I'm the same poster.

10k+~ words? if it's not too jumbled, I'd prefer it longer than shorter or multiple chapters, due to how much there was.
>>
>>7037327
Well, if it was a topic I find easy (like lesbians), I'd put it on the 'simple' request. Since it's a topic that I find a bit harder to work around (body absorption), I'd charge as a 'hard' request.

Usually it goes something like this.

What you want sounds like, at least, 5000 words. Which something like ten pages. The chapters and all.

For 5000 words of lewd, I think something along the lines of 100 dollars. That will give you the right to 2 major edits. This don't mean redoing the whole work but can mean major altering in a scene that ripples through the story.

Minor edits such as changing names and fixing a few references are of course, free.
>>
>>7037327
I do take commissions but I'm a tad swamped for this month. Since it sounds like you don't have a baseline, I usually do $100/5k words though I typically go 2x or 3x over the word count. I treat it as a minimum word count. Obviously, the more interested I'm in, the longer the piece. Also, there are not many topics I won't write, which influences that. :)

I don't know how much other writers cost, just giving how much I charge.
>>
>>7037342
>>7037339
Seems you both are about on the same margin. We should get a sample of each! See who writes better!
>>
>>7037339
I see. What's your preferred method of contact?
>>
>>7037352
E-mail, and for payment via paypal.

[spoiler][email protected][/spoiler]
>>
>>7037314
Oh yeah I should catch those, I had just finished writing Snek 3 which was in first person, I have some difficulty adjusting perspectives sometimes.
I'm trying to work on those drawn out sentences, I'll probably catch more of them in editing.

I'm not sure what you mean by dispassionate or energy, not that I'm saying you're wrong, I just can't really quantify those qualities, can you elaborate?

Thanks again for the in-depth feedback.

>>7037339
>>7037342
>$100 for 5k words

Seriously? That's crazy, 5000 words is barely a day's work. Is that really the going rate?
>>
>>7037343
tsade.com, there are over two million words of fetish, porn, and violence there. :P

>>7037358
*shrug* It's the rate I've been using for ten years, seems to keep me at the right balance of too much to do and steady work. On a good day, it's about three hours of work, but there is also fitting the commissioner's desires into the piece, the strange fondness of having 5-10 characters in a 15k word piece, each has to have their own sex scene.

It's also why I frequently go over. :) I think the last 15k word one ended up being 43k words. Because I don't limit my words very well. :P
>>
Well >>7037352
You can go for this guy >>7037358 if you want, apparently he's really cheap.

>>7037358
I take pride in my work and it's not a day's work. It's using your ideas, your mind, to create something good and that makes sense. And on top of that, that's erotically charged and arousing for someone else. If you think that's an easy challenge and worth less money, you are free to charge your own rates, of course. Such is free market.
>>
>>7036947
Only saw one or two fics like it on the list.

I tried looking for stuff like that online, even tried looking up deiphilia specifically. And all I got from that was a bible slashfic with Cain and Abel which I'm sure would be considered sacrilege by most people.
>>
>>7037170
lots of aggressive pack hunters are stupidly cuddly when given the opportunity to break from survival situations or pack politics. I wonder if it's partly needed to stop them straight up butchering each other under normal conditions.
>>
I think that it's more likely the weaker species displays all of the traits an ideal mate of their own species does.
Like the way white men want to fuck asian women instead of white women.
>>
>>7037363
Nah no worries, I don't do commissions, and besides I wouldn't want to undercut you guys.
If I tried to write a story I wasn't personally into it would probably suck, being able to do that is perhaps itself a marketable skill.
I guess I'd do commissions for monstergirl stuff, but it's probably not necessary as I write that regardless.

>>7037361
Wow, I guess if people want something very specific like this, it's worth it to them. You'd know better than me.

>>7037368
That's true, you see this a lot with wolves.
>>
>>7037381
>Wow, I guess if people want something very specific like this, it's worth it to them. You'd know better than me.

$100 is the standard days wage, most authors typically put a lot of prework in before they actually begin putting words into document.
>>
>>7037368
>>7037381
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2BySOn1gP4
>>
>>7037384
Plus, let's be frank...Smut isn't the easiest category. 5k words of sexiness is a lot of work. Hard work.

*snickers*
>>
>>7037356
I sent you an email.
>>
>>7037384
>>7037381
There is also the "I like it but could you change..." that requires going back to change scenes or even entire plot lines.

Plus the years of writing to get the point where you can write decent smut.
>>
>>7037399
Amen!
>>
>>7037366
Pick a goddess of love or fertility goddess. Look up those names or just "goddess of love/sex/fertility". You'll find plenty.
>>
>>7037408
Still getting mostly Percy Jackson fanfics, women being called sex goddesses without them being actual goddesses, and S&M stuff about dominatrixes calling themselves "Goddess".

Besides, was hoping more for an OC thing really.
>>
>>7037416
>>7037366
>tfw planning to write a story about jesus getting sodomized before being crucified

Also I got a massive boner from those old david eddings books, where the main character kept getting flashed by a goddess.
>>
>>7037381
>That's true, you see this a lot with wolves.

Turns out all Borealans are nursing a deeply buried desire to hug their pack mates and wish challenges were more like play than super serious social climbing

The few who aren't completely repressing these feelings live in constant paranoia of their terrible deviance being discovered
>>
>>7037437
The splashdown story gave us the view on how boring sex using a subordinate is compared to a human who does stuff on their own and tries to work back at them. It's like a a regular dildo versus one with a vibrating function for them.
>>
>>7037462
So what you're telling me is that human banter, friendship and playful sex (versus passive dead fish sex) is what the cat people wish they could do, and they get pissy with humans for the same reason people stuck way in the back of the closet can be really vocal homophobes?
>>
>>7037477
More or less. Predators, especially felines, enjoy challenges/stimulation in the form of play. Humans provide a lot of challenge and stimulation for Borealens since they can't hurt straight out like their own kind and even when they have them pinned physically humans will still joke/antagonize them.
>>
>>7037381
question, are these the borealeans snowskau came up with?
>>
>>7037358
>can you elaborate?
Uh, to me it's a combination of a few slightly nebulous things, some of which I'm not skilled enough to properly articulate.
Partly it's to do with sentence structure and timing, I think, added to how you generally use more objective descriptions to provide the reader with a view of the situation and a character's actions and surroundings, rather than a personalised or biased viewpoint, even when the situation is quite rushed and instinctual. The internal cadence I had as I was reading was a bit affected because of those oddities in how you compose a sentence, where sometimes things drag too long and merge into tangential actions without breaking in between.
Like I said before, it felt more like a story about a culture than a story about someone experiencing that culture, which is acceptable when the culture is interesting enough to be a character in and of itself (I thought it was pretty good, in this instance) but because of that it reads a bit off kilter when it comes to the more human interactions.

This is all coming round to a few points I've tried to pose before, but I'm honestly not exactly sure how to explain them in a helpful fashion that isn't just "I don't like these parts". It's probably just a personal preference. For now I'd say just keep doing what you're doing, and not to mind me.
>>
>>7037484
No, they're Snekguy's OC race.

Which I'm starting to think might get a little too much love. What about worldbuilding other things every now and then, huh?
>>
>>7037437
>>7037462
>>7037477
>>7037482
Makes my day when I see people are really paying attention to what I'm writing!

>>7037484
Don't know who that is, Borealans are space catgirls I invented. I guess they're pretty generic besides the more complex social system I've been trying to build for them.

>>7037489
Yeah I appreciate that this kind of thing can be hard to articulate, I appreciate you trying. I think I kind of get what you're saying, I've been told I'm too clinical before.

>>7037490
They're just so fun to write. I guess there are other races in the Coalition that I've not even given names yet...
Besides the fact that nobody wants to fuck a Krell.
>>
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>>7037493
>nobody wants to fuck a Krell
Straight up normal dragons being fucked by human guys was always popular on /wst/ and you can see a bunch of those stories and similar humans fucking straight up monster in the list.
>>
>>7037493
>>7037494
Get that lizard booty
>>
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>>7037496
>single human ends up in a group of 5 krells
>it gets even slightest bit chilly
>the human ends up in the center of a scaley cuddle pile
>>
>>7037490
I'm happy worldbuilding in anything if there's some underlying structure to work off; right now there's not much else being done in the thread though. The elementals in Parallax's fic seem pretty cool from a social perspective, but right now we've not seen enough to go to town with speculation, especially since the feel of the magic in that setting is still fairly up in the air.

>>7037493
>Besides the fact that nobody wants to fuck a Krell.
That sounds like a challenge.
I mean I'm not particularly in to big elephant/gorilla space lizard things, but I doubt you'd be hard pressed to find people here who are.
>>
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>>7037494
>>7037496
>>7037500
>>7037506
Fuck, I have to write that now, don't I?
>>
>>7037484
Who is snowskau?
>>
>>7037518
He draws a bunch of really nice Guild Wars smut, specifically Charr.
>>
>>7037525
Huh, has he been drawing my Borealans or is it an unrelated thing?
>>
>>7037529
I'm guessing it's something to do with the Charr from Guild Wars that happens to use the same name
>>
>>7037546
Ah, sure.
My characters are mostly hairless anyway, probably wouldn't be of interest to furry artists.
>>
>>7037512
I still support Ore Monogatari with a human girl and a Krell guy.
>>
This is the first time I've writefagged in fucking ages so I probably should have done something else to warm up instead of going right back into smut at 2 in the morning but I was really horny and felt like doing this. Any feedback appreciated.

http://pastebin.com/9zdrAgzS
Thicc Yandere Ogress x Young Trappy Boy. Obsession, love, non-consensual cuddles, breast smothering, kiss smothering, some spit play at the end.

I'm cautious to call this finished. I feel like I want the ogress to go on to rape the boy, but at the same time I'm kind of satisfied with what's there already. It might just be that because it's almost 5am I can't be assed to write any more right now but will want to clean this up a bit and add more tomorrow.
>>
>>7037579
Hey, I remember you! Weren't you going to continue the /ss/ fic with the Dark Eldar and the choirboy? I've been waiting nearly 3 years for more of it.

[nospoilerson/d/] Good god, I feel old. [/nospoilerson/d/]
>>
>>7037586
Dark Eldar x Choir Boy was literally my first forray into smut. I'm pretty sure I wrote that fucking thing before we were even /wst/, back when we were still a series of threads that spawned off a Chris Orksen gag. I was fully intending to complete it at the time, but that never happened. [nospoilerson/d/]Same with the other two I wrote. I get distracted easily.[/nospoilerson/d/]

Shockingly, the rest of the story would have been: Persus gets gang raped by three Dark Eldar and then dragged off to a slave ship wew. So try and make something out of that with your ~imagination~ my friend.

Yeah man this is making me feel old too. I can't believe these threads still exist, even if it is on another board now.
>>
>>7037594
I can't believe 4chan still exists.
>>
>>7037594
Well, I'll try at least. Tell me if you want to take another stab at it, I'd be happy to read it if you do.

I'll try to review your fic later, it's good to see you're back.
>>
>>7037166


Well keep me in your thoughts if you're ever on the fence about doing a story.
>>
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>>7033011
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihI-ElmZBkk
>>
Updated, I almost feel like I'm moving too quickly, but I doubt anyone wants to read 6000 words of not fucking.

http://pastebin.com/5xEUDbrU

Discipline
By Cornelius
Tags : Futa x Female, “romance”, incest, collaring, fingering, exposition, watersports
>>
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>>7036855
Oh, gosh. I really want to read Pinwheel and Splashdown, but their length is so big. I've never enjoyed reading long stories on the computer, yet I don't even have an ebook to read that way. I think I can get an app for my phone to read them if you post the links.

Also, as a thanks, I'll give you the most Snek thing I can find in my monster collection.

Sorry, I prefer my girls more monster than girl
>>
>>7037627
>>7037166
www.furaffinity.net/user/decadenceknight./

Posted the wrong link, started a new fur account where I'll post my pokefucking. It's mostly stuff that I've added to these threads anyway.
>>
>>7037673


Pastebin links read very cleanly on my phone, try using those.
>>
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>>7037696
Okay, I'll do that, thanks.
>>
>>7036535
Eh, squire perhaps? Though IIRC that implies some knightly training, so maybe not.
>>
>>7037358
Yes, and after reading http://pastebin.com/SHF1Xmda I would definitely recommend you charge a similar rate. Absolutely loved it. You maintained the tension and arousal beautifully, though there were some sentences/moments I kinda laughed at (lmk if you want more thoughtful critique on any part or just overall, would be happy to oblige after I enjoyed your story).

>>7037361
>tsade.com
Tried looking at both >Indexes>Themes and >Indexes>Sexualities but neither linked to anything. The ability to browse by tag/kink would be great - any plans for that?
>>
I'm not sure if anyone writes this sort of thing, but I'd love to see a smutfic where a married human woman is trying to find a lay or two at a magical tavern (or other place where fantasy creatures congregate). Preferably something hermaphroditic like a couple of gnoll women, but anything you fancy is fine. The married woman implies her husband wants to participate, but her quarry mistakenly interprets that as him watching from the sidelines.
They get back to the woman's home, and start to get hot and heavy, with her partner/s for the night missing some warning signs like her trying to lube their holes up. Halfway through, the woman's husband - a huge minotaur - comes in and pushes the other down onto his wife.
Basically, focusing on the partner in the middle turning into a puddle of pleasure, and the husband and wife feeling each other through the other person - the human feeling her husband's cock pushing against her belly through the insides of the other person, the minotaur feeling the other person clenching around him every time his wife does the same, the person in the middle feeling themselves being worked on from both ends in synchronicity.
>>
>>7037732
Apparently, that broke. I will fix that ASAP. :) I'm sure it was something stupid I did. Thank you.

I'm still in the process of properly tagging all the stories. There is a lot there and it takes a while to go through everything for the taxonomy of the month.
>>
>>7037579
very cute

>>7036949
>Xhe: "don't challenge a Borealan"
>Dennis: *Challenges Borealan in front of its' pack*
Dennis pls
>>
>>7037317
seconding the comparing it to the russian accent. maybe add that it sounds russian, not that it IS russian. I think that w/o that specificity it kind of sounds like you're just adding a russian accent arbitrarily.
>>
>>7036334
Pretty good. I kind of miss the old epilogue though.
>>
>>7037579
>Yandere

Good taste, friendo.
>>
>>7037579
Good to see you're still alive, man. Looking forward to giving this a read this evening.
>>
>>7037673
Another option is StoriesOnline, which has a really nice layout and chapters for reading on a PC.
http://storiesonline.net/a/Snekguy
The catch is you have to make an account.

My FA also has raws of the files that you could read with OpenOffice.
http://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/snekguy/

Also nice pic, that's Mikoyan, one of my favorite artists.

>>7037732
Really, you liked Last Stand that much? It's easily my worst received story, I'm glad someone has enjoyed it!
And sure any feedback is valuable.
>>
>>7037673
Oh, and Ebook links, Nook is free, that's an app I've tested these in.

Pinwheel:
https://www.patreon.com/file?h=6611423&i=541149

Crashland:
https://www.patreon.com/file?h=6584455&i=535529
>>
>>7038176
Long time lurking scuzbucket here. Snek, your work is awesome across the board. Am seriously considering getting in to XCOM just off your god damned viper fics, and the Borealan setting is real fun. Was there anyone else's writing (net based smut or otherwise) that inspired your work? You left me needing more gudness.

Also, Krell fic go go go!
>>
>>7032457
I have just read this and I'm loved it
I found the first part but I can't seem to find the second one
Could you please post it?
>>
>>7036963
Aphrodite is literally that, except for the queen thing. She's a slut, but she's so hot that she can gets a pass for it from everyone. She likes to show off her giant trophy for being Best at Sex. Don't mention any other beautiful woman around her, as her jealousy is famous. Also don't mention her husband, whom she hates being married to, since he can't walk and is average looking. He's actually a total bro and can often be found either in his smithy or drinking, moping, and crying over his cheating wife. Watch out for her jealous on-and-off boyfriend, Ares.

In some versions, Artemis fell for Orion, but Apollo tricked Artemis into killing Orion since he didn't want her to be defiled. Otherwise, she has a major case of misandry. She likes to go around asking girls if they would like to become mahou shoujo. She has a giant gold trophy for being Best at Hunting, but it's hard to see with all of the hunting trophies in her room. It's actually kind of creepy, unless you like the beady eyes of dead animals following you with their gaze. Whatever you do, don't mention the empty giant trophy stand with archery motifs.
(1/2)
>>
>>7038213
Athena has beauty, brains, and brawn, but she has absolutely no interest in sex. Her idea of an intimate relationship with a man is bouncing ideas off each other and discussing science. Sex is not going to happen. She enjoys showing off her myriad giant trophies for various arts and crafts, as well as her prized examples of her work. Don't compare any of her artwork in type or quality to any mortal artist if you like having only two eyes and two legs.

Hestia is the absolute #1 waifu. Poseidon and Apollo were fighting over her hand in marriage, so she took a vow of chastity. She's the goddess of the hearth and home, and is best at cooking, for which she has a giant trophy somewhere in a closet, and pretty much every other aspect of housekeeping, except sewing, which she is second in. She doesn't brag about anything. No one has ever seen her mad. Then again, being the littlest sister of Zeus, he will smite anyone who makes her cry. Do not bully if you know what's good for you. If you ask her if she regrets not being able to have children, she will cry. Don't offer to help either, because if you do actually help, Zeus will probably smite you anyway.
>>
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>>7038198
XCOM 2 is a great buy, it's a standalone story so you don't have to play the other games first (and it has Vipers). Mods make it all the better.

It's probably my favorite strategy game, but be warned, if you play on medium difficulty or above the game will hold you down and fuck you mercilessly, much like the Vipers in the stories.

I'm glad you enjoyed them so much! Honestly I hadn't read any /efg/ stories and I didn't know about the general when I wrote the first Snek, but someone directed me here and I realized it didn't have to be a one-off thing.
I just wrote it because I was frustrated and needed an outlet, but people enjoyed it and assumed I would write more, so I did.
I've always wanted to write, but I was never any good at it. I've got folders full of terrible, poorly formatted, present tense stories that will never see the light of day, but apparently the lewd element is what I was missing.
The guys in the general helped me improve in all the areas I was lacking, and while I'm still learning and improving, I've improved more in two months here than I have in like ten years of trying to churn out comic book scripts and terrible scifi novels.

I guess Larry Niven is my favorite author, if I could write a scifi novel even a tenth as good as Beowulf's Children or The Mote in God's Eye I could die happy. There's some minor lewd in his books, but they're not pornographic by any means. Really good reads though, his Ringworld and Fleet of Worlds series are amazing.
>>
Where can I find the stories of that boy cursed by a dragon to have a dragon cunt?
>>
>>7037901

Oh yeah, I was thinking saving that for a continuation. It felt kind of weird that to throw another scene in at the end.
>>
>>7038237
Your formatting looks really good now, good job on fixing the tense.
>>
>>7036949
>http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2
More please.
>>7038232
> if you play on medium difficulty or above the game will hold you down and fuck you mercilessly, much like the Vipers in the stories.

Unf, Also dont' give up!
>>
>>7038249
Update! New content starts at "They arrived back at the embassy, the sun was already going down."

Fineprint:
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2
>kissing, biting, drinking, smoking
>>
Is the wh40k story still being worked on? I'm fine either way but would like to know so I can stop.

>Been edging myself for 8 days straight.
>>
>>7038971
JUST
STOP
ASKING


Or it will never get done.

Go jerk off to something else in the meantime.
>>
>>7038620
>smoking
Disgusting.
>>
>>7038971
Get your cock back in that plastic cage, boy. The author won't be happy until your balls are purple and they can bathe in your precum.
>>
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>>7038985
The fact that you don't like it is what makes it hot.
>>
>>7038993

Revvy!
>>
>>7038993
I'm sure by the time we're seriously starfaring cancer would be a solved problem for humans, so I'd be content to watch them smoke themselves to an early grave like the smug enlightened alien prick I am.
>>
>>7038993
That's a terrible fetish anon.

>>7039032
>lighting a cigarette in a space ship

Fuck you.
>>
>>7039035
Hey, I wouldn't be lighting up. I'd just be undermining their attempts to bother me by smoking with my obnoxious immunity to the attendant health problems of their habit.
>>
>>7038620
I'm curious who is going to bone now. I hope its Xhe honestly.
>>
>>7039041
I mean the part where you stand by as they blow up the ship or flood it with smoke.
>>
>>7039042
>Xhe just has enough and throws him into the middle of an orgy
>>
>>7038993
just read pinwheel.

you've improved since that one, but goddamn why'd you write stanley like a thin-skinned highschooler? And how would anyone like that have made it through military training to be selected to go to the pinwheel?
>>
>>7039115
Bootcamp is a lot less harsh than it used to be and what movies made it look like.
>>
>>7039116
Oh god, are you serious? Do they let tumblrites through it now?
>>
>>7039161
Don't know all the exacts but my step-dad is a staff-sergeant or similar rank in the army and is constantly having to deal with the stupidest shit because the soldiers he's in charge of are like retarded children. Not sure if they still do this but a few years back they implemented a system where soldiers in boot camp could hold up cards if the drill instructor was "being too mean" to them. The air force is still a joke to the other branches and is commonly to referred to the "chair force" and funny enough the air force has the most weebs/anime watchers.
>>
>>7031121
>>7032436

Anybody else like this/have feedback? I thought about writing a sequel.

Ideas so far -

>Twilight Princess Link trapping as a fairy at the fairy fountain, and being tenderly gangbanged by several Dark Links
>Breath of the Wild Link jerking off bottomless in a field, passing out, and waking up with a surprise

I'm open to any suggestions too.
>>
>>7039115
Is that the way he came off?
I was going more for a younger, by the books, fresh out of boot guy who got through more on merit than being a Navy SEAL badass.
Particularly his skill with the XMR, which he demonstrates in the firing range scenes.
He did try to tolerate Raz for as long as possible because he was concerned complaining would make him appear weak.
I thought that might convey that he isn't a wet blanket, but that Raz is a real handful compared to what he's used to.
>>
>>7039485
>>7039485
I can see that you'd be trying to do that, but he just came off as having an incredibly thin skin. (at least for me) If he's been through boot camp he's already going to have tolerated waaaay worse than being called a monkey.
>>
Hey, Snekguy, I'm a bit behind and haven't been keeping up with these threads but I was rereading Pinwheel just now and recognized a name or two from the later stories. Made me happy to go, "oh, yeah, that's Xhe making an early appearance, I didn't notice that the first time around." (At least, I presume there aren't Borealians with identical names.)

Props to you for your narrative consistency on top of everything else. Gonna go back to lurking now.
>>
>>7036657
where will you post said smutfic?
>>
I've finished a new chapter for my ongoing futa incest story called Family of Three, in case anyone is interested. I'd also be willing to make a pastebin if someone has a problem with using google docs.

Tags: futa/female, mother/daughter, sister/sister, loli, romance, threesome, excessive come, big breasts, big cock

Chapter 11:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yXGt2W9HBV_K2xVKJ7pHoJg7GKItzYXAuLaPjhQQ3bQ/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VK9bYtAGIHbCfpnzSkBLghzO5fH2-BodWhX6cv-IZiU/edit?usp=sharing

Fo3 was inspired by an old story called Amy, a version of which can be found here: http://pastebin.com/MWUw9S23
>>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SF7G9UjVi0
Y'know, I can't believe none of us remembered to bring up the fact that cat loves being spanked. It apparently vibrates a bone or certain area that pretty acts like masturbation for them.
>>
>>7039588
This was enlightening
>>
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>>7039588
The base of the tail is a nerve cluster in most mammals, if you scratch a cat or a dog there they'll freak out, in those videos where cats are licking the air and making weird noises, usually their owner is scratching the base of their tail. Whenever my cat gets allergic reactions she always scratches that area raw, and skin conditions usually manifest there first. It's just generally a very sensitive zone.

>>7039545
I had hoped people would appreciate recurring characters, besides just having Raz train everyone of course. I'm glad you noticed! I'll keep that in mind going forward.
Working on another update right now.
>>
>>7039599
>monhun
I'm actually surprised no monster hunters stories have popped up here.
>>
>>7039599
So then if lets say one of the cat ladies got on top of human and he touched around that area would they be aroused or would it be discomfort?
>>
>>7039622
It probably depends on her state of mind, much like other sensitive areas.
>>
>>7039622
I'm not sure.
They would most likely enjoy it, it wouldn't necessarily be sexual, but it would be pleasant. The back of the neck on humans I assume is kind of similar.
Of course in a sexual situation it would probably be arousing.

Also, can I ask you a question about Borealis' orbit?
In your calculations, what mechanic sent the planet 4AU outside of the habitable zone? Was it the gravity from the secondary star, or was the orbit just highly elliptical?
>>
>>7039627
Its the orbits
Putting the a planet near a class b star would not be good for the planet in the long term. However to due to the high temperatures life would be hard so the orbit every so often is in the habitable zone of the class A star while it orbits outside of the habitable zone of the smaller class G star which the class G orbits the class A
>>
>>7039645
>>7039627
The other way it could happen is if the system is a close binary system and the planet orbits the barycentre of the two stars which every so oftem an eclipse would happen blocking the light to the planet because it would be in the hab zone of the class A star but the class G would every so often block the light
>>
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>>7039645
>>7039653
Have I understood this correctly?
>>
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>>7039671
Not quite
>>
>>7039566
If I write it, it hasn't been strong enough in me to pursue without knowing there'd be an audience, probably pastebin and then put the link here.
>>
>>7039681
The left one the orbit of the planet is around the class g star just outside the hab zone of it but inside the class a. Giving it that shift in temps.
Class A star has the Class G as a satellite and Class G has the planet as a satellite.

The right diagram is the more likely one based on the info of the system is based off of where everything orbits the of the stars barycentre. A eclipse cools the planet which cuases the same effect.
>>
>>7039693
Would an accretion disk be able to collect around the barycentre in order to form a planet there?
>>
>>7039699
Yes at orbits not close to the stars (thats why I put the planet far from them) and very few. If the extra sun was not there you would have gotten other planets or gas giants. Any matter close to the star that would have formed inner planets was instead used to form the extra star.
>>
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>>7039706
Ok so, if I understand correctly.

Based on the diagram it would be one week out of roughly two months that Borealis is frozen due to the eclipse.

That gives it an orbital period of eight weeks, ergo:
2 months = 1 Borealan year.

G passes infront of A, eclipsing it, which makes the temperature on Borealis drop, and makes G the only source of light.

Does that sound right?
>>
/efg/--Come to fap, stay to debate astrophysics!
>>
>>7039728
Yes the distances though in my original are not exact. The two stars have a orbit of about 17 days. If you were to increase the planet's speed of which it orbits at you could have the same earth years and months with every 17 days an eclipse.

Now with the 1m to 1y. The inner most hab zone is at 4.9au so it would be traveling at ludicrous speed. Depending on how fast you want it to orbit you can chose however long the years are.
>>7039729
Lol
>>
>>7039739
Ok, let's say the orbital period of Borealis is 14 months, pretty close to an Earth year.
How often would there be an eclipse, and how long would it last for?
I'm trying to avoid having the cold period be too long, because then I'd have to skip over a huge amount of time in the story.

What would you recommend as a reasonable orbital period?
>>
>>7039752
So if you used a month of 34 days every fortnight. Well assuming its 34 days a month on the first month on the 16th day the first part of the eclipse would happen. The ray of shadow casted by the sun's eclipse would peak on the 17th and end on the 18th. This would make it as short as an extended weekend.
>>
>>7039752
>>7039756
And remember the slower the planet moves the longer it stays in the eclipse.
>>
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>>7039756
>>7039757
If we were aiming for a cold period of three days, what would you say the duration of the month and year would be?

They might not even use months as a measurement, and there are only really two seasons, summer and winter.

I figure they would measure years in eclipses, someone might say "I have seen 23 eclipses" and that would indicate their age.

I want to make sure I understand the math, and I'll have to go back and correct a few things, because otherwise people send me things like this, lol!
>>
>>7039765
Well that depends on how you want to count. some one who has seen 23 eclipses would be (23*17 earth days) 391 earth days old so (365 days in a year 391/365) about 1 year old
>>
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>>7039772
Ok, so:

Year: 391 days.
Month: 34 days.
Day: doesn't really matter, axial rotation can be whatever.
Cold period: 16th to 18th of every month.

Does that all check out?

If so I'll go make the edits, thanks so much for your help! I wouldn't have been able to do this on my own.
>>
>>7039783
Yes it does most of the numbers are dependent on others that can be filled out like

defined # = x operator y

and don''t sweat if its not exact. I'm using shorthand equations that I learned to do the math fast so there always +- some number.

dont forget the cold time between months on the 33rd and the 1st of the month
>>
>>7039792
No worries this is way more than I'd be able to figure out, I'm really bad at math.

So there would be two cold periods every month?

16th to 18th and then 33rd to 1st?
>>
>>7039800
yes since the 17 day orbit is how long it takes to get back to its initial position of the binary suns. So it stats in a eclipse position 17 days later its back where it started.
>>
>>7039807
Ah sure, that makes sense. I've written all this down and saved the diagrams as a reference, thanks so much!
>>
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>>7039808
No problem. Probably should use a chat thats more in real-time to discuss more of this'in detail
>>
>>7039809
Sure, you have my email.

When I've finished Fineprint I'll probably wait a little while before I release the Ebook, then I can write the tourist guide and do some illustrations for that, and with your permission I'll include a section on the orbital mechanics using some of your renderings and a revised diagram.
That way I can release the whole thing as one big Ebook, assuming my buddy who converts them for me can work out how to insert images.
>>
>>7038209
http://pastebin.com/Fnfk6knG
>>
>>7039818
Sure just put the name by or on the picture. Orbital mechanics renders/diagrams are not to scale they were quickly drawn in photoshop I can redo them to scale if you want.
>>
>>7039827
Sure, if you feel like doing that, it sounds like a lot of work!
I'll credit you of course, I don't know which images I'd be using yet, or even if we'll be able to insert them into an epub file, but I'll email you before I put anything of yours online so you know what I'm doing.
>>
Orbital mechanics get me rock hard.
>>
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>>7039681
Just to note, this is neglecting a difference between a zone of totality and the partial occlusion cone. The region where the smaller star can completely hide the larger star is a finite cone; outside of there, you will always see at least some of the larger star, and in a large amount of that region you may only have a slight decrease in light intensity.
>>
Update, new content starts at "The shuttle began to descend, and Dennis saw their target"

Fineprint:
http://pastebin.com/k411SZV2
>no new tags

Everyone kept asking for more buildup and more world building, I hope you guys are enjoying this, and I didn't go overboard.

>>7039904
Would that depend on the size of the secondary and its distance from the primary?
>>
>>7039911
The exact ratio of star sizes and their exact separation both change the geometry of the zone of totality and the partial zone (in which the level of occlusion is massively variable, ranging from zero at the edge to a peak value along the centerline).

The cone of totality should be obvious; anything located inside there, you can't draw a straight line to the major star whatsoever, so there are no lines of sight. In the partial occlusion zone, you can always form a line of sight on some parts of the larger star, which will either appear as a halo around the smaller star, or look like there's a bite taken out of the side of it. The rotational symmetry means that even when on a flat image it looks like you can't see much, there might be a surprising proportion of the major star still visible as a crescent.

I added a possible planet, and did a rough projection of what the planet sees of the two stars at that position. I kept the major star size fixed, the smaller star appears larger due to proximity. It's correctly scaled for the diagram, but not exactly pixel perfect.
>>
>>7039922
Interesting, do you think it would still cause a drop in temperature significant enough to create a mini winter?
Assuming the secondary was of significantly lower luminosity.
The eclipse would take place over three days, so perhaps only the second day, when the star was entirely obscured, would be the day when everything froze over.
>>
>>7039922
Specifically, in that example, while top down looks like you can see less than half the larger star, in actuality you still have about two thirds of it visible.

>>7039928
Honestly, not especially. Consider that every single night is a total solar eclipse here on earth, which is why it feels cold at night. It takes a long time to bleed heat out into space.
>>
>>7039936
And a solar eclipse by the moon is blocking all light, not replacing it with a duller star (but still very much a star)
>>
>>7039940
Correction: any total eclipse is a total loss of light (and thus heating); whereas eclipsing one star with another is just downgrading the heater.
>>
>>7039944
>>7039940
>>7039936

The stellar eclipse would probably be most equivalent to a weird accelerated autumn or something. The biggest standout from our perspective would probably be if there was a significant change in light color depending on the mix from the two stars, which would be extremely strange.
>>
>>7039950
So it probably wouldn't work, in other words?
How would we achieve the required temperature? Would a longer duration of the eclipse do it?

I've basically quarantined all of the details in one paragraph so I can make changes as necessary with minimal impact to the story.
>>
>>7039972
Not as things freezing over, no. It'd be on a timescale of months or years. Even if you somehow switched off the sun altogether, the earth would take about a week to hit about -17 Celsius, and you don't generally get substantial ice until typical surface daytime temperatures are a few degrees below 0 Celsius. Water has a massive heat capacity, so it takes a long period of sustained cold to have things like ponds let alone lakes ice over.

Really I'd need to know the flux from the stars and their relative apparent sizes to figure it out. Gut instinct wants to say that any situation where the small star blocks a significant amount of the large star would mean you're so close to the small star that it's going to be pretty toasty itself, so it wouldn't be a massive temperature drop.
>>
>>7040000
Maybe I should just scrap the eclipse idea and go with the elliptical orbit option? That's a lot easier to understand, but then the problem becomes that I want a relatively short duration for the period of freezing, and in order to shed enough heat the planet might need to stay outside of the habitable zone for like half of its orbit.

What do you think of this:
>>7039681
Is the left diagram viable? If the secondary were too hot it could be replace with a gas giant.
>>
>>7040008
The real problem is with having a short period of freezing; as I said, water has a massive heat capacity, and to freeze things reasonably quickly you need very low temperatures. A typical household freezer takes a couple of hours just to fully freeze a tray of ice cubes, and that's running at -20 Celsius. Anything bigger than that takes exponentially longer to cool down thanks to the square cube law, and if your temperature is not as far below zero things also take much longer.
>>
>>7039699
If you have a binary star system, you most likely don't have any gas giants. You need gas giants to act as a shield against asteroids wiping out life all the time.

Planets with interesting orbits are fine for colonies or lost colonies, but not for home-grown intelligent life.
>>
>>7039783
I'll never understand why anyone likes huge furry paws on monmusu. That and chest hair, in this particular instance. Back to paws, giant furry paws have shitty dexterity. The button on those short shorts would be impossible to undo, much like so many other things.
>>
>>7040026
Strictly, the secondary star would be just as good at mopping up potential asteroids as a gas giant. It's just a matter of cleaning up the planetary disc until impacts become infrequent enough for life to be viable, and any large object like Jupiter, Saturn or a binary partner star can do that job. Extrasolar objects are very rare and extremely unlikely to hit anything at all; the odds of Jupiter happening to be close enough to the path of something coming from the wider galaxy that was on course to hit us to exert a serious pull on it are pretty negligible.
>>
>>7040037
We're talking about a gas giant further out than the planet in question. A secondary star is most usually within the orbit of the planet.
>>
>>7040008
Anything other than a total eclipse by a cold object for a few days isn't going to be able to make the planet cool down enough for freezing, and a gas giant is going to be way too small to cause a total eclipse for something outside its own orbit.

If you made the planet the moon of a gas giant and picked an orbit close enough in to cause a total eclipse, the eclipses would be ridiculously brief. Jupiter is on the edge of becoming a crap star, and to make the orbital period of a moon last 16 or 17 days (as per Callisto) you have to be 13 times further away from Jupiter as Jupiter's overall width, which again makes the eclipse last somewhat less than a day and it only lasts less time the wider the orbit as Jupiter becomes a smaller angular blip that you move past. Closer in, and you start getting orbits that only last about seven hours themselves, so the eclipse would be over in a matter of an hour or so.
>>
>>7040026
>If you have a binary star system, you most likely don't have any gas giants
We've been finding gas giants in binary systems for a while now; I don't recall the idea that gas giants wouldn't happen in binary systems often being anything other than speculation.
>>
Fuck sake guys I can't fap to discussions about planet rotations and orbits.

New thread when?
>>
>>7040146
when this one 404s
>>
File: tumblr_no255v5CNl1rhrm9ro1_1280.png (545KB, 570x1000px) Image search: [Google]
tumblr_no255v5CNl1rhrm9ro1_1280.png
545KB, 570x1000px
>>7040146
I apologize for destroying the thread.
>>
>>7040159
Don't apologize, just keep a smut-to-tangential stuff ratio of 3:1 in the future.
>>
>>7040165
Fuck that, this is exactly the /wst/ feel I missed. I like some learning with my smut.
>>
New story, actually it was my first one, but I pretty much rebuilt it from the ground up with everything I have learned so far.

Pushed for something with more story.

http://pastebin.com/hGMHdU7r

Zombie, mutant, fisting, large insertion, stomach bulge, exotic cum, forced, extreme.

Careful, the sex is on the more... brutal side of the spectrum.
>>
>>7040169
I know, I know. Just a bit annoying when nobody actually works it into the smut. How am I supposed to get off on astronomy?
>>
>>7040196
>How am I supposed to get off on astronomy?
What are you, some kind of faggot?
>>
>>7040196
>not getting off to Uranus being pounded by thick, heavy asteroids
>>
>>7040206

Oh there was some anal in the story I posted... oops.
>>
>>7040194
>>7040212
Your formatting is improving, but I would suggest breaking up some of those longer paragraphs into more sizable chunks for easier reading.
>>
>>7040220

Yeah I am still trying to find good breaking points. I only learned this new format like last week when you pointed it out to me.
>>
>>7040226
Yeah, it took me a while to get the hang of it, and mine probably still isn't perfect. Just keep practicing and you'll start to get a feel for when the breaks should happen.
>>
>>7040226
Not Snekguy, and still reading, but I have to agree. The thing that stands out as weird and jarring is how you've added two line breaks in between dialogue, but not between other paragraphs.

Try to stay consistent with regard to spacing. As a general rule, if you're using double line breaks between certain kinds of paragraphs, use them everywhere. And when you want to denote a scene/perspective change in this style, put two line breaks, a --- (or something else distinct as a separator), then another two line breaks before beginning the next scene's first paragraph.

If you're not using double line breaks, two line breaks can indicate a scene or perspective change.

I'll resume reading now, but I just wanted to give that piece of advice before doing a review on the content.
>>
>>7040246

Fuck, yeah I was trying to figure the best way to make the spoken parts clear and easy to manage. But I guess I messed up by putting them in sperate spaces... ugh.

I tried looking at a few examples and there seem to be so many ways to approach it.

Any suggestions for dialogue heavy moments? Do I just lump them into the paragraph and break it up normally? Or do I try and separate them but not in a way that would indicate a possible scene change?
>>
>>7040246

Oh shit, you are really going to hate the end when there are four characters interacting then. That was the part that gave me the most difficulty with how to format with heavy dialogue... sorry.
>>
>>7040263
Haha, no worries. I'll use that as an example for suggesting line breaks then.

Everyone has their own style for this, especially when restricted to a plaintext format, but I think I'm fairly well read and I feel confident that I can recommend something that will be agreeable for the majority of readers.

Still working my way through reading it, will post again soon if this doesn't drop off the board.
>>
>>7040259
>>7040263
I'd do it like this:
http://pastebin.com/e8W5Bpt6

You should keep the dialogue as a paragraph, but use breaks to indicate when a new character is speaking.

[BREAK]"First character speaks." Then the rest of the writing can continue afterwards, until.
[BREAK]"Another character starts speaking." Then if you want that same character to keep speaking, "more of their dialogue can follow, you only need to break when a new character starts talking."
[BREAK]"Now someone else is talking, and the reader knows this because you used a break." Which means you don't have to always clarify who is speaking.

(I hope that made sense.)

>>7040272
As this guy said, besides dialogue breaks there aren't really any strict rules, it's up to you to decide what feels appropriate, and what flows best for you.
>>
>>7040279

SHIT, snek that looks way better... you make it look easy man. Oh well, this is exactly why I wanted something with more character interaction and dialogue.
>>
>>7040279
>http://pastebin.com/e8W5Bpt6
>your safe now
you're
>“Oh my god, what did it put inside her.” Evan had to report this development.
AUUUGHHH WHERE IS THE QUESTION MARK???
>Something is, moving inside her.
oh no. noooooo. Omegaxypher pls. This hurts to read. Commas are not pauses in dialogue.
>He grabbed Garret by the shoulder and firmly said.
> “Wait, something is wrong here.” Kelly gasped when she too saw what he had noticed.
whoa no, this should not be two separate lines - the speaker should be together with his/her action on the same line

>http://pastebin.com/hGMHdU7r
>L3: when she was about to something bad.
to do something bad
>L4: Her car was parked in the corner hub near a gas station in a tiny parking lot.
IIRC this is what's known as passive voice, because it takes the action and agency away from the main character. This is bad because I felt all the momentum of your first paragraph die immediately upon reading this sentence. My theory is that as sentient beings who enjoy autonomy, we engage and empathize more with the subject (or primary actor, driver, motivator of the action) in the sentence instead of the thing or person being acted upon.

I'd recommend you go with "She had parked her car in the corner of a gas station parking lot" instead. (I changed the second half because I'm not sure what you mean by "corner hub" in your sentence, either [and it's kind of a meaningless detail anyway].) I believe Microsoft Word will try to warn you about passive voice - might be a good idea to paste your work into it and use its grammar checker.

In general, I'd try to cut down on the extraneous details that don't add anything: "as she lit it with a lighter" -> "as she lit it", "corner hub" as I mentioned earlier, etc. Try to be very ruthless about this when editing - extra words weigh down your narrative and make it harder for a reader to continue.
>>
>>7040304
I agree with this, besides
>try to cut down on the extraneous details that don't add anything

I often go through in editing an add details that weren't there before or elaborate on descriptions, in order to fluff up the story.

For example
>as she lit it with a lighter
could become
>as she lit her cigarette with a lighter, the orange flame dancing behind her cupped hand
>>
>>7040304

Shit a you're slipped the net, double shit on the missing question mark.

Fuck I totally thought commas worked as pauses in dialogue!

I think the parked car error was more out of breading up the monotony of the sentence structure... which led me to cocking it up more.

I'll have to keep my eyes open for those details that add nothing to the narritive.
>>
>>7040304

Weird, I use Microsoft Word... it does nothing of the sort. I never get grammer warnings, Just bad suggestions.
>>
>>7040304
Let me add another example of dialogue where the action needs to be on the same line with the character speaking:

> Her weak groan made all three men snap from their thoughts and focus on her. She clutched her forehead as her eyes fluttered open.
>“W-what happened?”
>She shakily asked while her eyes struggled to open. Evan pulled the SUV over and hit the hazard lights to fully focus on her. Mark seemed to struggle to find the word to lighten the blow.

should be (my comments in [brackets]):

Her weak groan made all three men snap from their thoughts and focus on her. [It's my opinion that this should be its own paragraph since it indicates a shift in the action and should draw the reader's attention.]

She clutched her forehead as her eyes fluttered open. “W-what happened?” she shakily asked while her eyes struggled to open.

Evan pulled the SUV over and hit the hazard lights to fully focus on her. [Ouch, dude, wtf? That has got to be unpleasant for her.]

Mark seemed to struggle to find the word to lighten the blow. “Y-you got... attacked.”

(Going to use double line breaks here as 4chan doesn't support indentation, but in general I like the sort of style Snekguy posted.)

>>7040322
>Fuck I totally thought commas worked as pauses in dialogue!
How to indicate speech pauses in dialogue is a hotly contested topic in English, but I think everyone is pretty dead set against commas. Ellipses are somewhat acceptable as long as you don't overuse them (and I don't think you have in the other dialogue lines). I personally tend to abuse hyphens more than I should in dialogue.
>>
http://pastebin.com/tJ7Zq6iU

Ok sorry guys, so I was working on this rapid fire section and found that throwing in tons of breaks made it look pretty weird...
>>
>>7040345

Well I was going for more, squad leader cares she woke up and knows well enough to pull over, it was about caring that she was OK.
>>
>>7040309
I like your suggestion and think it does add to the mood, but I was being especially critical on this point because I couldn't focus on the story after two or three paragraphs, and if I weren't drunk and feeling like reviewing something, I probably would have skimmed and/or dropped it.

This comes down to personal taste, but I personally believe developing momentum is more important in the first part of a story and the mood and character traits can be built up later on, once the reader is hooked.

>>7040354
>http://pastebin.com/tJ7Zq6iU
Line break formatting looks great, but ironically, now there are some places where you need to add commas, heh.

>“Outcalls?” Even asked incredulously but then it dawned on him and he shook his head in annoyance. “For fucks sakes Mark, I thought you personally knew her.”
> “Well we did get personal a few times. Top shelf pussy if you had the cash to buy it.”

“Outcalls?” Even asked incredulously, but then it dawned on him and he shook his head in annoyance. “For fucks sakes, Mark, I thought you personally knew her.”

“Well we did get personal a few times. Top shelf pussy - if you had the cash to buy it.”

That is how this grammar nazi would do it. You might get differing opinions about the last hyphen insertion though - that's one of those dialogue pauses where I think it could be replaced with an ellipses also.

>>7040357
Oh, I interpreted that line like he was shining Jeep-style spotlights on her... perhaps I got the wrong impression.
>>
>>7040362
I could also see a comma between "top shelf pussy" and "if you had the cash to buy it," but I cannot tell you why. It's driving me nuts, because it seems hypocritical after what I said earlier. I think perhaps it is because the comma is not denoting a pause in speech, but connecting a dependent clause ("top shelf pussy") to its owner? But it's been so damn long since I've had classes on the formal terms and rules for these things that I rely on native language instincts now.

I hope someone else more learned than I can shed some light on this.

>>7040194
Hey, I also wanted to say that your sex scenes in here are pretty good and a lot more attention grabbing than the first few paragraphs.

Perhaps consider starting off with some hardcore action and filling in the details of how she came to be there while she's dazed after being fucked senseless?

Normally, I don't think I'd recommend this, as reading about sex between characters the reader knows nothing about can be just as disengaging, but I think the sex in the story is your best part, so I'd lead with that, if you can work it in without being too obnoxious about flashbacks and such.

Also, you should add "Resident Evil" to your tags when you archive this, in case a reader is interested in that universe and wants to read something set in it.
>>
>>7040362

Nice suggestions.

Hazard lights are the blinkers you use so that people should see you if your pulled over, safety first!
>>
>>7040380

Evan pulled the SUV over and hit the hazard lights to fully focus on her, while the blinkers of the cars exterior rhythmically flashed warning approaching cars.

How about that? Some people don't drive.
>>
>>7040380

Man I think I had gotten to at least grade 11 English. And I failed it so your miles ahead of me in terms of literature knowledge.
>>
>>7040381
OK, that's what I first thought of when I read hazard lights, but then I thought I was misremembering when you said "fully focus on her" like they were steady lights.

Actually, that would probably be really creepy, right? The blinking orange lights at night (I assume it is night)? I can almost see some spooky mist as well. Here is a great time to add some mood to the story!

What about... "Evan pulled the SUV over and punched the button for the hazard warning lights. The orange glow strobed over [uhh, what is her name?] her distended belly [...shit, this is turning into crap, I'm way better at editing than writing while drunk it seems]

Snekguy, do you have a suggestion?

>>7040385
Ennnnghhh this just seems too detailed and pulls the reader away from the horror of what's happening IMO. I didn't mean to beat this one sentence to death, I guess I just get really detail oriented when I drink.

I think there is some potential with regard to mood here though.
>>
>>7040389

Kelly was the one that had almost got violated by the mutant spider. Jenna has been placed in the capable hands of umbrella... but I totally forgot to include the fact she fucking got picked up and separated!
>>
>>7039765
lol'd at that screenshot

well, he's not wrong...

he just chose a weird way of stating it.
>>
>>7040413
>Borealen mortar
>it's the same has an Earth mortar but has a knife/bayonet attached to it
>>
>>7040345
>How to indicate speech pauses in dialogue is a hotly contested topic in English
Generally, 'normal' pauses are left unstated, though they pretty much invariably coincide with where you need a comma, colon, semicolon or full stop in standard grammar, which is why so many people get confused. Commas are very specifically for separating clauses, elements of a list, and elements of a sentence that could be deleted and leave a fully correct sentence behind - essentially, they split up discrete ideas. Colons are used in the place of a comma (roughly speaking) when the thing following the colon is a direct logical consequence of the thing preceeding it; a semicolon would be used when the thing following it clarifies or otherwise builds on the thing preceeding the semicolon, but isn't so strictly a consequence of it.

The defacto standard for non-grammatical pauses tends to be ellipses when the speech is trailing off (such as someone trying to figure out how to finish a sentence, searching for a word, or their train of thought literally grinding to a halt, as in someone saying "What the..."), and hyphens when it gets cut off (so, stuff like stuttering, interrupted speech etc.).
>>
>>7040428
>The defacto standard for non-grammatical pauses tends to be ellipses when the speech is trailing off (such as someone trying to figure out how to finish a sentence, searching for a word, or their train of thought literally grinding to a halt, as in someone saying "What the..."), and hyphens when it gets cut off (so, stuff like stuttering, interrupted speech etc.).
Thanks, that's a great way to word it.

Do you have any opinion on how you would punctuate this sentence from >>7040362
>Top shelf pussy - if you had the cash to buy it.
Comma, hyphen, ellipsis, or none of the above, and why?
>>
>>7040420
>Borealen mortar
>It's handheld only as well as having said bayonet
I know we're not on /k/, but after the astrophysics discussion I may as well ask: Is that even possible? Where is the exhaust from firing a mortar expelled?

And how close are we to getting expelled from the 10th page... 4 threads. OK. When's a good guideline for making a new thread on /d/? I know it moves a lot slower than other boards, but I like to link to the next general in the thread that's about to fall off the board so people who are asleep but following the old thread can easily find it.
>>
>>7040518
new threads aren't made until the current one 404s
>>
>>7040453
Other anon here. I'd write either
>"Top shelf pussy... if you had the cash to buy it!"
or
>"Top shelf pussy; if you had the cash to buy it!"

In both cases, the focus of the sentence switches in the middle, from the woman the character is speaking about to the guy the character is speaking to.

In the first case, you build in a pause for effect. (For instance if the speaker wants to be sarcastic and implies he doubts the other guy has the money.) In the second, it's just stated matter-of-factly.
>>
>>7040534
Wait, I don't think the second part of the sentence stands on its own (as an independent clause), so I don't think you can use a semicolon there.

Also, I wouldn't use an exclamation point unless it was the taunting case.

>>7040528
Well that's a bit annoying. What if I'm just on /d/ for this thread, and I want to skip the step of going to the catalog and seeing all the ill-proportioned futas? (I actually don't care, personally, but have heard many people bitch about /d/ in this way)
>>
>>7040561
>I don't think the second part of the sentence stands on its own

It does. "If you had the cash to buy it!" can be thrown as answer to a statement/question as a taunt.

The exclamation point, on the other hand, is indeed superfluous.
>>
>>7040361
New thread
>>
>>7040194
Oh, lovely violent sex. Thank you, it was enjoyable. There were good number of typos, miscapitalization. I'm someone who loves a lot of preamble and endings to the fucking, it helps me get involved with the main character.

The over the top sex was great too.
>>
>>7040600
Lesson learned: Always better to ask forgiveness than permission.
>>
Anyone got a link to the discord?
>>
>>7040561
>Wait, I don't think the second part of the sentence stands on its own (as an independent clause), so I don't think you can use a semicolon there.
It's somewhat ambiguous, but here I'd say it isn't being said as it's own thing; it's really more of an ancilliary phrase, so strictly a comma would be most appropriate. In direct speech (or narration meant to evoke it) you could use a hyphen if the character was exaggerating the pause for effect, since what you're often doing there is inserting an interruption into your own sentence to make it jump out at listeners as an oratory device.
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