No-shit monogamy in the modern era.

No, all women are whores /thread

>>17950365
Yes, of course it is possible to find someone to have a relationship with. Plenty of people have that kind of relationship with their partner.
What's your issue?

No, while you were on 4chan they were all taken by other people.

>>17950365
About 20% of women have only ever had sex with their husband

Yes of course. I see this around me a decent bit [given, it is in the minority] It's just a matter of finding a person with the same mentality and goal.

Also: Church. I don't go anymore, and I don't know if it's your cup of tea, but what you're describing is essentially the only way prescribed in Christianity.

>>17950365

>extreme monogamous girl

I don't know what this means but it sounds made up.

>healthy monogamous relationships at college nowadays?

No. You're all still children. You wouldn't know what a healthy monogamous relationship looked like if it whipped its dick out and slapped you with it. Its about maturity, not "extreme monogamy", whatever that means.

>In term of monogamous relationship i mean something pretty idealistic, the ones which have built on loyalty, trust and full involvement on both sides.

Again, I'm not really sure what you are looking for because all of the things you described aren't necessarily characteristics of a specific person but aspects of a relationship that are built over time.

I would encourage you to not take college so seriously and also encourage you to keep an open mind and not be so rigid in your expectations of people because more often than not loves comes in forms that you do not expect. That is the frightening yet rewarding part of getting older; constantly finding out how wrong you are.

Monogamy is still very much so popular but you will be hard pressed to find a college girl whose sole interest in dating is to develop a deep, meaning, loyal relationship. You guys are kids. Have fun. Learn a little.

>>17950370


>>>/r9k/

Back to your containment board, shitbird.

>>17950365
I find BPD women can be extremely monogamous. However, this can go one of several different ways. She either gets really super jealous that you even merely acknowledge the existence of another woman so much so that she goes batshit insane. Or, she could overreact from her internal BPD struggle and preemptively cheat in fear of you doing that to her, but this is usually only in the most extreme BPD cases. Or, she could have that fear of being cheated on and hurt so much that she stays monogamous in attempts to please you and make you stay, in a sort of healthy way, at least the healthiest way possible for a BPD

>>17950412
Women with BPD are pretty much the worst partner you can ever have.

>>17950412
This has to be a joke. You really have no clue about BPD if you think they tend towards monogamy.

A simple Google search would tell you this what the fuck.

»17950401

Give no shit about religion, just can't be in different type of relationship.

»17950405

Thanks for your reply. I can say that i'm open-minded enough to understand how immature my "monogamy thing" can be sound. But all i can say - i can't be in a different relations. Can't understand this whorish type of relations that most of people are in now (i suggest).

I doesn't expect from girls to be so right-wing as i do. I just want to understand how fucked are young people now and talk about anon's stories of this kind.

>>17950427
My BPD ex was hyper monogamous to the point where she would demand to hang out 24/7 and forcibly moved in without my consent to keep a watchful eye on me because she was scared I would cheat on her. I never questioned her loyalty, really. But it was everything else about her that drove me away.

Like I said, for me, my BPD gf at the time was prone towards monogamy -- it was her upbringing I suspect. But there are, of course, those BPDs that are more degenerate and can't control their BPD.

Yes it's possible op. Me and my bf (21 & 22) are monogamous and loyal to each other. It's not true that you have to be a grown adult in your 40s to start appreciating honesty and loving only one person romantically. In fact there's so many old people having affairs thatI don't even know where this idea comes from.

>>17950405
In other words: lets be less criticized about my "way" and more analytic about current situation on the relationship markets.

I saw a lot, i heard a lot and understand what are you trying to say, but i see no problem in my personal values, only an advantage.

>>17950365
>In term of monogamous relationship i mean something pretty idealistic

Do you have any kind of real-life connection you are comparing this "ideal" relationship to? Or are you just using movies and books as a reference point?

>>17950453
>>17950427
>>17950412
One of BPD's characteristics is extreme clinginess and fear of abandonment. My BPD ex also was "extremely monogamous". I even gave him the option of sleeping with other women due to some issues in the bedroom. He was shocked and refused outright, repeatedly.
But that also goes into how many connections the individual might have. I was one of the few people that was on his "white" list. Certainly the only eligible female. Everyone else was on his "black" list, and he was fairly isolated.
Now for someone with BPD who was more sociable, I can certainly see them clinging to another person, and then cheating.

>>17950453
You don't type like the other anon with the BPD ex who frequents here. Are you new? This is a bit of a troll throw away thread anyway. Can I ask about your experience?

>>17950466
Dude, stop thinking about me in this way, please. I had several relationships like this before that have weared out with time.

I'm not delusive. I know how things are supposed to work down here and just want to understand how fucked i am. This is something how i feel, something i can't deal with, some kind of high imperative of my character.

>>17950482
>I know how things are supposed to work down here

So you are comparing it to something then. Either a relationship you had or maybe a relationship friend and family had, right?

I'm not calling you crazy yet. But weeding out the crazies is the first step here in /adv/. We don't know if you are crazy until you tell us what you believe in. So I ask:

What kind of relationship are you using as the example to define this and why do you think it's a good thing to have?

>i mean something pretty idealistic, the ones which have built on loyalty, trust and full involvement on both sides.

>>17950479
I've frequented /adv/ for years now, up until recently I was only a lurker.

Anyway, it was pretty typical of a BPD experience. I mean, it was perfect, then not perfect, somewhat horrible, then downright disgusting. My family is super happy I moved out and away from her.

You pretty much explained my ex -- I was on her white list. She wasn't much liked by her peers. I also tend to think she has severely repressed trauma from childhood. E.G., she was forced into a closet for a night, locked up, because her mother (asian descent) was angry she spilled milk. Talk about a horrible experience -- it was part of the reason I stayed. I just felt so bad about how she went through that shit... And that's not even the worst of it, to be blatant with you. Anyway, my ex wasn't sociable -- and the closer her and I got, the more I realized the more she hated everybody. Every perceived slight would place the person into the no-no list, even if it was completely innocent on the person's part. The reason, and she's told me this, she dated me is because I rarely if ever did anything wrong to her -- I'm a people pleaser. So I'd always go out of my way to help her any way I could because I thought I loved her. I never tried to stand up for myself either, so that means she basically had a pet for a boyfriend that never did anything wrong.

You'll probably find me posting about it some other times if there's threads about it.

>>17950496
>What kind of relationship are you using as the example to define this and why do you think it's a good thing to have?

I see a healthy relationship as two individuals who are diving deep enough into each other to build a some kind of safehouse from worldwide routine hypocrisy.

I'm not this mad about "cruel world outside", but i don't find attractive to lie, manipulate and be an asshole with person i supposed to be very close and intimate.

Take the main focus on phrase "to dive into someone". There is no way i can be mediocre in relationships.

>>17950514
>it was part of the reason I stayed. I just felt so bad about how she went through that shit
>The reason, and she's told me this, she dated me is because I rarely if ever did anything wrong to her -- I'm a people pleaser. So I'd always go out of my way to help her any way I could because I thought I loved her. I never tried to stand up for myself either, so that means she basically had a pet for a boyfriend that never did anything wrong.
I relate a lot! I realized that that's kind of why we got together. I felt maternal pity for him, and I thought he deserved someone kind in his life. I dedicated everything in my life for years to try to make him better. I thought my experience in psychology and therapy would help me. But there's a reason that some therapists don't even take BPD patients.
I don't regret it at all. It definitely threw me into the deep end to face my reality about being a doormat. It taught me how important it was to take care of myself and how to say "no". I hope you've come to similar conclusions.

How long has it been for you? I was single for about a year and half before I found someone new. It took me six months after the break to rid myself of the worst habits I picked up and a year before I felt normal in society again. But more issues are resurfacing now that I'm in an intimate relationship again. It's kind of freaky, but my current boyfriend is so the opposite that he's helping me out a lot. Very patient and understanding. It's so frustrating to still feel my ex's hold on me so far down the line!

>You'll probably find me posting about it some other times if there's threads about it.
I'm looking forward to it. Me and another anon tend to pop in to warn people who say, "My new date has BPD and has done a couple of weird things, is it going to get better??"

>>17950537
>I see a healthy relationship as two individuals who are diving deep enough into each other to build a some kind of safehouse from worldwide routine hypocrisy.

Great. But seem to have trouble grasping my question. I'm asking you HOW do you know that's even possible. HOW do you know that's good. WHAT kind of EXAMPLE or MODEL are you using. Please, tell me the FACTS and EXPERIENCES you are using to say you have this knowledge.

Is my request not clear?

>>17950537
What are these relationships that you're having where you don't do this?

>>17950545
That's the thing, it's only been 3 months since my final break up. I say final because she and I kept breaking it off because it just wasn't working out. But I always felt so bad for her that when she would inevitably come back for comfort, I would always be there for her.

Yeah, I've realized I'm a door mat -- I'm working on it, but it's hard because I haven't really seen any body to deal with this yet. It's still all too fresh. I dated her for about 2 years. I'm really off put with dating and I kind of have an anxiety of meeting the wrong woman, and that my future relationships might end up the same.

To be honest, I realize maybe a relationship isn't the best for me right now -- I sort of said to myself, look, I just want to have fun and party and forget for a while, then I'll get my life back together again.

I'm glad you're finding someone that's like your boyfriend. It truly is a gift when you meet people like that, because a lot of people in this world are just ... meh

How do you handle your past with the BPD, though?

>>17950365
>still beliving in the monogamy myth when science disproves it.

>>17950549
Some humanitarian-philosophy-there-is-no-clear-answer theorycraft level shit, but yoy got me triggered.

>i don't know if its even possible and all i have is an fragile hope that there is someone who feel it in my way
>i definitely know that i have disgust towards any other kind of relatioship and see no alternatives for me
>example? model? i'm not trying to tie my feel with with anything empirical. by definition, as i sugfest, there is no rational explanation for it.
>the very ex of mine have this kind of no-shit intentions towards me atm that i looking for and i'm just curious how hard or even possible to develop such way of sincerity between individuals in romantic context.

Ffs, this is something from inside and i even CAN'T sacrifice these intentions for something different. I have a strong diguise about, as i mentioned before

Probably thats can be sound very delusive, but i doesn't feel myself weak. There is should be a separation between "you and me" vs "outside".

>>17950617
>There is should be a separation between "you and me" vs "outside".

What does that even mean?

You are just talking pout of your ass. You want an idyllic relationship that you can't even describe. You are never gonna find it because it's a perfect relationship that doesn't exist.

Sorry man, but why don't you just date and find what's comfortable for you? Maybe pick up some more experience to better decide what you really want. You don't date ideas, you date people. And people are never this perfect thing you describe.

>>17950631
This.

You don't seek a connection with a person, you seek a relationship that checks a certain list of qualities.

Go out, meet people, see who you connect with. Then when you get to know them, see if they're a suitable partner for you.
You don't go the other way round.

I am loyal, loving and devoted to my boyfriend and I've been for 8 years. I am like this because I adore him, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met.

>>17950631
>Sorry man, but why don't you just date and find what's comfortable for you?

Because THIS IS are comfortable for me. No fucking excuse. I'm sick of playing these "social games" and can't accept playing those in relationships.

I see the reason of this in overdeveloped conscience, i think? Towards someone important, of course.

>>17950673
>Because THIS IS are comfortable for me.

So you have had a relationship like the one you describe? Or are you just talking out of your ass again?

>>17950694
Of course i had this kind of relationships and they have worked out in some way or another.
I was satisfied with them for a quite long time till things went down.

Honestly, i have never cheated. I want you to understand that when i'm close to someone, i have all my concentration and aim only on this person.
Sometimes i feel that i looks pretty creepy and even have an experience of stalking one girl down (oh boy)

>>17950725
>Of course i had this kind of relationships and they have worked out in some way or another.

Then you know it's possible you goddamn piece of trash. You are a circle jerking diva. You have had this relationships in college or earlier, right? So you know people like that exists. What's the point of your asinine question then? Did you just want the attention from /adv/?

>>17950731
No offence bruh, just wanted to have some discussion about it and to get some motivation towards this new girl i going out with.

I love and good luck, /adv/.

>>17950586
Three months! Yeah, you're fresh
>How do you handle your past with the BPD, though?
I'm at work right now, so I'll write later a bit about the lessons I had to learn.

>>17950378
Hahaha this. They're super rare and you gotta be lucky enough to snag em early.

I was lucky. Feels good.

>>17950457

You asked for advice and I gave you my advice. You respond to ideas that contradict your own like a child so don't be surprised if your plan for extreme monogamy doesn't work out because from your snippy little response it doesn't seem like you have the emotional maturity to process any information that might imply that your 20 something brain isn't 100% correct about life and love.

The tendency to be so vehemently against the possibility that you, as a college aged child that has relatively no true life experience, could be wrong says to me that you're still very much so attached to your childish mindset.

I know this is going to upset and offend you but its something I heard as a kid and had to process into my adulthood; you're a kid. You don't know shit. Your high school relationships have given you absolutely zero preparation for what it takes to be in a long term, healthy relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing shit. We all started there. The only thing you can do to fuck up at this point is to desperately hold onto your ego so tightly that you refuse to learn anything that doesn't coincide with the things you already believe or admit that you might be wrong.

>>17950586

Here we go.
Lessons I had to learn after surviving BPD ex. Part 1 of several. Sorry for the delay. I hope you see this.

>Don’t walk on eggshells
With my ex, I had to craft my words carefully. I had to say things just so, or he might understand me, and that would be disasterous. With regular people, you don’t have to be so careful. If they misunderstand you, you clear up the misunderstanding, and then everything is okay. You don’t need to tack on a million disclaimers before every statement or request. You can just say the thing. That’s okay. You can add the extra information on after you’ve said the main idea.


>It is other people’s responsibility to be honest
With my ex, I had to figure out what he really meant. He would say things just because it’s what he thought I wanted to hear. But if I didn’t figure out what we wanted, again, it would be disasterous. For example, say I wanted to go out grocery shopping. I ask if he wants to go with me. He agrees. We go, and he ends up moping and complaining and eventually he’ll start freaking out. He’ll yell about how he didn’t want to come along anyway and that I pressured him into going. It was my fault my fault my fault.
Normal people don’t need you to figure them out. You’ll confuse and offend them if you play games to figure out what they really mean. Because you’re supposed to just take what they mean. It might not be what they really really think, but it’s what they want you to know. You’re supposed to say “okay” and they aren’t going to get mad at you for believing them. If they should have said something else, that’s THEIR fault. It isn’t YOUR fault.

>>17950586
>>17951780

>It is MY responsibility to be honest with MYSELF
I would often do a bit of the reverse of the above. I would agree to something that I didn’t want to do, because I wanted to please him. Because I didn’t want him to get upset. This is NOT okay. It IS totally fine to be honest. “I’m not really feeling up to going out. I need some me-time” Every time someone asks me something, I pause. Even if I think I know the answer right away. I’ll say out loud: “Lemme think about this so I can give yuou an honest answer” Giving myself a moment to breathe, lets me remember that this person is not my ex, and that it’s not my responsibility to make them happy. My primary priority is to make MYSELF happy. If someone can’t handle that, I should remove them from my life.


>Just because she has a reason doesn’t mean it’s an excuse
She has a disorder. She has a problem. She doesn’t mean to do the things she does. She’s scared, she doesn’t know anything else. It isn’t her fault.
Well. y’know what else? It isn’t YOUR fault either! And you don’t deserve to be treated that way. It DOESN’T MATTER if she didn’t mean it. It doesn’t matter if ANYONE didn’t mean the bad thing they did! Someone is hurting you. You should get away from that person. That’s how it should work. Any reason they have for their behavior is NOT an excuse.
It isn’t your job to help people to learn how to control themselves. THEY have to do that THEMSELVES. They need years of therapy and you can’t do that for them. It isn’t your job. In fact, you are enabling them if you take on that role. Don’t be that guy. It isn’t healthy. It doesn’t do you or them any favors. You cannot have a healthy, balanced, equal relationship when you are the one doing all the saving.

>>17950586
>>17951782


>Tell other people what you’re going through.
I had several people who I could be direct with about what I was practicing. With them, I would verbally work through what I was doing. “I am going to practice saying this without disclaimers.”. That in itself is a disclaimer, but it’s a step up. “I’ve realized that I was trying to figure out what you really meant. But I trust you to tell me the truth straight up. I’m sorry for asking you such weird round-about questions.”
I also let them know that in the break up process, I’m going to cry a lot. And that I don’t really want their comfort in that moment unless I ask for it. I just needed to work through it. Because, particularly in the first couple of months, I would have moments where I realized, “Oh, a way that I thought life was supposed to be is actually really fucked up. I can’t believe I thought that was okay. I can’t believe I did that with her.” And I would just start crying. I did this a lot when people were understanding, patient, and kind with me. I forgot what that felt like.

>>17950586
>>17951783
>Surround yourself with loving people
This part was vital. It was important for me to see the contrast between how kind people treat me versus how he treated me. I reconnected with many friends who I lost touch with due to my ex. I was isolated - he didn’t like this person, he got into an argument with that person, or I just straight up didn’t have time to talk to anyone. I also cut ties with several people because they didn’t approve of my relationship. I thought that they just didn’t understand that he didn’t mean it, he couldn’t control it. But they saw that I didn’t deserve that, regardless of his reasons.
Every single one of them was so grateful that I came back around. I had said some nasty nasty things to them, and they were understanding. They saw what that relationship did to me. They were just happy that I was out. Their forgiveness was another reminder of something I lacked from my ex.
If you don’t haver anyone in your life right now who is understanding, get yourself to a therapist. It is their job to be patient and understanding. They took those jobs because that’s who they are fundamentally. They are there to help you strengthen your support system. They are a great resource and you should really look into getting one, regardless of how many people you have in your life.

You’re right, that you should stay single for a while. You need to learn how to love yourself. Take all that effort that you put into her, and put it into yourself. You deserve that. Now you are the one who has been through something awful. Be there for yourself. You’ve done it for others. Step back and look at yourself, and think of what would you say to yourself if you were someone else. Show yourself warmth. Show yourself patience. Show yourself forgiveness.
It gets better. You’ve already done the hardest part. Now it’s time to mourn who you were, and lick your wounds.
You can do this.

>>17950365
>In term of monogamous relationship i mean something pretty idealistic, the ones which have built on loyalty, trust and full involvement on both sides.


This doesnt exist overnight. You will always feel distrust, and a lack of involvement at one point or another in every single relationship. Some will only be at the beginning, others will have ups and downs, and everything in between.

Though after many many years of hard work and growth (think decades with the same person) you can develop that with them. But no relationship is always this perfect from the start.


>It is possible to find an extreme monogamous girl and develop healthy monogamous relationships at college nowadays?

Yes, but you'll be hard out of luck unless it is BYU or some other staunchly conservative+religious school (think like tiny seminaries in the bible belt)

Do any of you have these weird prescription not to lie to your partner?