Being abusive

>>17759183
First, break up with her. If you genuinely feel you are abusing this person, do not make them go through more. It will hurt them, but they don't deserve to be treated like that no matter what happens. It's better in the long run, because this abuse has some really nasty long-term psychological effects on people.

Next, see a psychologist. In your first few visits they'll mostly be taking in information from you. But you can figure out what we know can be changed, you'll get a rough idea of some coping strategies, and advice on what kind of therapy, medication, or treatment you might need to help you in changing your behavior.

Also, let me refer you to >>17758546

You've recognized where you're going wrong, you're not irredeemable.

Talk to your SO, get some psych help, fight against it.

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>>17759183
Go to a psychiatrist ASAP.

My GF just left me and she caused easily nearly every single argument we had. She would make outrageous claims with absolutely no backing to them at all and then go and do the most suspicious, hateful things to me. Say things that would make anyone doubt their partners loyalty and just keep a million secrets.

She would threaten to break up with me every day and then say I was guilt tripping her into staying with me. She no matter what would play the victim. If I tried to talk to her about any of our problems she would scream "Then why are you with me If I'm so awful huh!" rather than just accept she has a problem and try to fix it.

It was hard to break her out of moments like that. She was so very clearly in a completely different state of mind. You could see it in her face. She just looked like a different person and no matter what I said or did she would ignore me or twist my words or just say she doesn't believe me.

Even right now she's being abusive and trying to play the victim. Claiming I'm a sociopath that's vile and manipulative despite knowing she has a problem and admitted to being a manipulative, abusive woman. The things she has done makes it very clear who the care giver and who the controlling one was in the relationship.

You need therapy OP. You need it BAD or you just might ruin the best thing that ever happens to you. Talk about rage issues, borderline, mood swings, ect.

medication might be the only thing that can help you. I know that my last GF would never be able to control her emotions with just therapy alone. Her psychosis is THAT strong when she get's that way.

Basically OP this is going to sound cliche as fuck but you need to learn how to love yourself first. If you can't... then you simply cannot love another human. I gave her everything I was, genuine, pure love and it meant nothing to her because she truly hates herself. She could not accept that she deserved love so she couldn't give it.

>>17759202
I was really trying to avoid psych help due to some really bad experiences.. and family stuff.

We were arguing today over something dumb that was connected to my insecurities. they were cold about it and told me the argument is my problem and they wouldn't continue it.

I felt bad. really bad. So Ieft a message saying lets break up.

I hope when they reply I can follow through with it and not beg for forgiveness.
Im really sick of myself. Im pathetic in this relationship.

>>17759234
You're right. this is how I feel.

I love this person so much and im just falling into this repetitive hole where I hate myself and project onto them. it happens so fast its like I have no control over the awful things I say and the belittling. Im unstable and its terrible.

Finding a psychologist will be hard. But I guess I have to try.
If the breakup happens, though, I might be too depressed to do anything.

It really sucks guys. It sucks on both ends because I have enough empathy left to know im really hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Someone who is so sick of it, they barely care anymore.

>>17759202
>You've recognized where you're going wrong
My gf recognized so many times that she was the problem and yet she kept doing her shit again and again and again. She refused to seek help and would put it off... again and again and again. She kept doing everything... being abusive, manipulative, double standards, rage, play the victim, and...

I realize now that every time she would apologize and say she was going to get help was just another manipulation tactic. She was lying to me about it.

She chose to listen to people that were terrible or ignorant. Rather than her BF that loved her beyond belief, was incredibly loyal for the entire relationship and whom she considered a brilliant genius she never took any of my advice or suggestions.

The saddest part is she has BPD and it's a known fact that someone with BPD will cut all intimacy with someone the second they think they are feeling REAL feelings for them. They will just try to find a thousand reasons to break up with them because they are afraid they are going to leave them at some point... like cheat or just leave because of their extreme behavior.

When a borderline feels legit love... they will run. They will disappear without a trace while doing a bunch of fucked up shit that fills them with guilt and furthers the destructive behavior.

I wish she would have done more to close our physical gap. We should have been together so long ago but... yeah. I don't know what she was up to but for some reason whatever she has been keeping from me she was doing it for a long time. There is no other reason for her delays and behavior.

I hope she get's help. I almost blew up on her today for saying things she is but I realized that's exactly what she wants so I've tried to calm down.

Don't hate her though. Not at all. Never. I need help too. I have been through a lot in the last 10 years and I truly have PTSD from the things women have done to me. Raped, assaulted, emotionally and mentally abused...

>>17759269
Anon...

Can you be honest with us all here? Are you cheating on your partner? Do you know the extent of your abuse truly or... are you unable to fully let the world know who you truly are?

Do you feel as if you don't know who you truly are? Do you find yourself often copying those around you in order to get them to like you?

You need to realize your abuse and belittling is absolutely the cause of a disorder. This does not excuse your behavior however but knowing that... please know you're not a bad person, ok? You truly aren't.

You lie a lot don't you? Rather than face the consequences of your actions you lie to avoid them or twist the words to put the blame on your partner. You don't want to appear weak to them and feel guilt for your actions. You will only stop feeling this way when you realize that you truly are worthy of being loved. That your partner will not judge you for your actions because your actions, while bad, are simply human. No one is perfect... but to be a good person means to just recognize your own mistakes and make an amends.

Your belittling and abuse is meant to make them feel like less of a person so that they feel like they need you. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think they don't love you at all and when they say "I love you" you don't believe them? Because... you're a bad person that no one ever could love? That if they knew the extent of your abuse, your lies, your actions... you just know they would hate you because you deserve that...

You don't deserve hate. You don't. You are human anon. People can and will understand your actions. They will support you because they love you. Just recognize that being honest, no matter how bad your actions, is better than any lie. Because they won't judge you because again... you aren't bad. Your actions might be bad but if you truly feel guilt anon that means you are a good person. Bad actions are human. Everyone does bad things every now and then.

Amends anon. Amends.

>>17759313
>Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think they don't love you at all and when they say "I love you" you don't believe them? Because... you're a bad person that no one ever could love? That if they knew the extent of your abuse, your lies, your actions... you just know they would hate you because you deserve that...

thats exactly how I feel. I don't believe it when my partner says they love me or that im attractive or that they don't want to see other people. I've never cheated. But i'm still a hypocrite about them cheating, I will get jealous over anything.

I think I will try to seek help. Anything is better than feeling like this.

Sorry to hyjack but i really need some advice on this and im not having any success on getting any.

How do i tell a girl that im friends with that i dont want to date her when she has BPD?

Shes madly in love with me or at least she believes she is. We dont even know eachother well. She is batshit fucking crazy though and i simply cant put up with that shit in a relationship which is what she desperately wants.

I feel bad for her though, its a disorder and despite it still being her responsibility its not exactly her fault her brain is full of fruitloops. Im open to being just friends (at a distance, she lives over an hour away and doesnt know where i live thank fucking god) but i dont know how to break this news to her. Itll be over the phone rather than in person.

To complicate things more, ive been talking to another girl who is perfectly fine and things are going great. Im concerned that the crazy girl will somehow get in the middle and fuck up all my shit.

I know i fucked up.

>btw nightmare mode: we already fucked

>>17759340
You've got to tell her. Now, ASAP man. the sooner the better.

Break it as soft as you like, but don't make any excuses.

"I'm sorry, I just don't see us dating, I don't think we're compatible, but we can be friends." Works fine.

Yes she will probably react in a bad way. Reassure her, don't lose patience, but don't go back on what you've said, no matter how much she freaks out.

She'll let it go one day and it'll be much better than if you stringed her along or lied to her.

>>17759340
Dude, you don't have to bring her disorder into this at all. You shouldn't. Most people don't give people a specific reason when they reject them. "I'm sorry, but you're a blonde and I'm more into brunettes." "I'm sorry, your nose is just too big for me." "I'm sorry, you're a sweet guy, but I can tell you'd just get way too clingy."

Who says that shit? Nobody. They just say: "Look, I really value you as a friend, but ... I just don't see you that way."

Which is exactly what you should do. Tell her that you're sorry if she feels like you led her on, that you didn't mean to. You were in a confusing place when you two had sex and although you love her as a friend you don't want to do it again and you don't look at her romantically.

Say all that kindly but firmly and then stick to your guns.

>>17759334
>I've never cheated. But i'm still a hypocrite about them cheating,
What you mean anon?

Do you flirt with people? Send them photos? Do you have a lot of friends of the opposite gender but won't let your partner have any?

When I told my gf "I love you" last time and she shook her head and said "no you don't" it broke my heart because I just knew the only reason she would believe that I don't love her is if she didn't love herself.

She never believed I thought she was attractive. She wanted to believe so much that all my compliments, paintings, love letters, poems, everything were all just lies and manipulation tactics. God she drove me WILD. I still when I see her face....

You need to find psychiatrists in your area TONIGHT. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. CALL THEM FIRST THING TOMORROW PLEASE. TELL THEM YOU NEED TO SEE THEM ASAP.

Look for psychiatrist that deal with BPD patients. You truly sound like you are borderline anon.

If their appointment is several weeks away try to find a THERAPIST to see THIS WEEK and all the weeks in between. Hell, see both of them. One on tuesday and one on friday.

You will never years of help to stop your behavior because again... the core of your problem is you do not love yourself truly so therefore you don't believe they can love you... And if you can't be loved then you cannot love yourself. No one capable of love would do abusive things to their partners.

This doesn't make you a bad person anon. It doesn't. Believe me ok? You are worthy of love. You are a good person.

I have so much empathy for you. I know how you feel I truly do.

remember, a psychiatrist will cost more than a therapist as they have more training and are able to prescribe medication. A therapist is still an extremely good thing to see and you need to do it ASAP because the longer you wait the more likely you will have another extreme breakdown that might end your entire relationship...

Like...

What happened to me last week...

>>17759358
>>17759340
She'll still react really badly, that's just the nature of the beast and she won't be able to help how her brain works. But it literally will not get any better by you putting this off or lying. You're probably her favorite person right now. People with BPD tend to obsessively focus on one person and all of their behavior.

Being in a relationship with a BPD person requires a lot of patience from your side, and a -lot- of self awareness on hers. And that's honestly something that most normal people can't manage to give each other half the time. So understanding that your reasons are fair.

As a friend though, be prepared to be perfectly consistant. If you say hello, say hello every time the same way. if you text her at a certain time, do that every day. and etc. People with BPD are extremely sensitive to small changes in behavior.

>>17759371
The thing with BPD is that she's going to analyze the shit out of everything he does when he's turning her down. She's going to try and read in between the lines even if nothing is there.

>>17759340
Does your "friend" have a boyfriend... when you fucked?

People with BPD tend to have many partners and like unprotected sex a whole lot. So I hope you used a condom.

And you need to tell her BF if she has one already (or had if they aren't together anymore) because she literally never will. She is incapable of telling the truth.

>>17759374
Im a hypocrite because whenever the relationship gets rocky, I start talking or hanging out with the opposite gender. Could be any random person as well, and then I just block all communication with the person after. No cheating. But it really seems that way sometimes. Its a power thing.

I will try and find someone as soon as I can and hopefully things will be okay. I have exams soon so I'm hoping medication won't interfere.

>>17759381
None of which is his responsibility, nor is it preventable. Ultimately there's no kinder way to do it than to just ... do it.

>>17759386
I say this because after you deny her she... might want him back and BPD are super manipulative and she will never tell him.

She will still more than likely keep pining after you though. They only want what they cannot have so you're right to assume it's her disorder that wants you and not her.

>>17759386
Shes going thru a breakup, apparently the dude was abusive and a real POS but who knows if thats true. Im getting tested regardless to be safe.

>>17759381
Im worried about this. Shes on the verge of a mental break like shes having paranoid delusions about stupid crazy shit idk i never dealt with crazy like this before. She will be nuts and then the next day appologize and admit to being wrong and then spend 20 minutes repeating why her life is fucked and how more or less everyone elses fault. Which alot of it is but she simply refuses to take any responsibility or be independent. She wants be to act as her caretaker it feels like, she just wont help herself even with the most basic shit. She makes excuses and puts it off again and again.

>>17759375

Thanks.. she really is scary obsessed with me saying im the love of her life.. WE BARELY KNOW EACHOTHER. She really needs serious mental help like im really worried for her. I told her straight up im worried and that she needs help and that i cant help her and i dont know how. But she wont help herself..

>>17759371
This is what i needed most. I need to tell her but i really dont know how to break it, i def wont mention her being crazy but as the other anon says im sure she will know thats why..

>>17759441
Try
http://bpdsoundsfakebutok.tumblr.com/
If you're still unsure. You can get advice from people who have it as well here.

You can just make a throwaway account if oyu don't have a tumblr, and if they don't reply immediately, a lot of BPD centered blogs will be listed in the likes and reblogs. It's generally pretty poorly understood. So there are tons people who are centered and self aware, but still suffer from it, that will be more than happy to help you if it means educating somebody.

>>17759441
>Shes going thru a breakup, apparently the dude was abusive and a real POS but who knows if thats true. Im getting tested regardless to be safe.

Tell the guy, ok?

I guarantee he is NOT abusive and a real POS. Literally every BPD girl will say her ex-bf was abusive.

Tell him that she cheated on him with you. Find out how "abusive" he is. I bet he would like the kindness you offer him.

>>17759509
never met the dude and have no means of getting in touch. She moved across the country to get away from him and her family. From what shes said and hoe she acts thats one of the things i do trust her on. She actually was still really into him despite all the things she claims he did until i insisted that shit is unhealthy in a relationship and that she shouldnt take that abuse. Im fairly certain he is more than pleased to have her gone anyways so im not worried about that.

What is extremely concerning is that she is now alone with zero support system from anyone or anything besides me. Shes saying im the love of her life and all these cutesy things about me and im about to crush that. Im seriously worried for her own well being over how shes going to react.

On the flip side she knows shes crazy. She doesnt know with what or how but she admits shes nuts and constantly guilt tripped me by saying she doesnt deserve me and im too good for her, typical manipulative shit imo. Shes been in a voluntary institution before though. And her mother apparently has mental issues too so the apple doesnt fall far from the tree which is also why she says she ran away from her family and burned all her bridges back where shes from.

>>17759539
>never met the dude and have no means of getting in touch. She moved across the country to get away from him and her family.

Wouldn't you want to know if you were cheated on? Wouldn't you?

Seriously man I can guarantee you the things she is telling you are lies right now. You seriously cannot trust a word she is telling you because she was telling him the exact same shit when they first got together. How her past ex-bfs were all abusive and insane.

>but she admits shes nuts and constantly guilt tripped me by saying she doesnt deserve me and im too good for her,
Yeah... don't trust a word she's saying. My ex-gf did all the same things. She would tell me how I am far too good for her and that she feels awful for being so crazy all the time. She has admitted to being nuts so many times but always put off getting help.

Shit man she might even be my ex and I was the one writing these >>17759234 >>17759277 >>17759313

She is telling everyone right now I am toxic and abusive but... do those sound like the words of a toxic abusive person?

Now I wonder, haha. I would give my initials but... if I do would you tell me such a thing if it were true? I'm having some hardcore trust issues right now.

>>17759561
>>17759539
and I can tell you from my experience that despite her being abusive, lying constantly, and more I legit just wanted her to always just get help. She was suppose to have a psych visit but don't know whether she went or not.

The fact that you told her she didn't need his "abuse" is just enabling her. She for sure was leaving out some very important information and was playing on your "savior" cords.

Just like how my ex played on mine.

Just... don't get wrapped up in that ok? I wonder the extent of my ex's lies and honestly there is a huge chance that you are talking about the same girl as I am. Maybe, maybe not.

I don't like to bad mouth her because I understand that my ex's behavior is her illness but it's so frustrating how she refused to seek help or take responsibility. I resorted to some extreme behavior myself but... I'm sure you can tell by now the type of shit a person with BPD can do to someone. I have PTSD and need therapy bad after all of that abuse and lies.

If it is the same girl then... by all means please send me a message on facebook. I'm not hard to find and I would greatly appreciate the honesty. I have stopped contacting her because... what shes doing, telling people I'm so abusive and toxic breaks my heart. I know I tried as hard as I could but no one believes me because of her lies.
-J

>>17759561

Unless you immigrated to the US im pretty sure it isnt you. Im intentionally leaving some details out and shifting others slightly for my own safety.

I dont even know if i should be friends with her at this point. Like fuck im so worried about her but again i barely fucking know her. It ls not my problem and it shouldnt be and god only knows what mess i may be involving myself in if i stay friends with her. Its just not my personality to abandon someone in need. But hearing all these horror stories of rape accusations and abuse and just psycho tier shit makes me very concerned. I really want to help. I really want her to get help. But i really cant risk getting my life ruined because of her sickness driven delusions that she must take revenge on me for god fucking knows whats.

If you're a woman, shut up. If you're a man, life is as it should be.

>>17759633
You are exactly like me man... You just so desperately want to believe you can help her but you need to believe me that you can't. You cannot help her.

I believed I could help my ex too. I tried to. She would do the same things you are telling me.

You cannot trust her, and she will tear you apart. Unless a person with BPD is currently in therapy and taking medication they are a dangerous force that sucks in the care givers in life and destroys them.

I was so calm and loving and patient throughout our entire relationship but her abuse just... tore me down so much. This last month, since about october 10th (when I suspect she cheated) I have been an absolute emotional wreck.

It sucks. I know it does. You need to accept the best thing for her is that she needs help, professional help and I honestly believe the only way they will get that help is when they reach rock bottom. I broke up with my ex in december but she pulled me back in by Jun under the promise of fixing her anger and going to therapy.

She lied. She did nothing of the sort. She remained extremely abusive and constantly put the therapist off. Every month a new excuse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CUwfWxq2-w&list=LLs8mu8ksIbp9BUtv4qmRJ-A&index=2

listen to this, all of it, and ask your self if you want this to be your life.

I was with her for 2 years and yes... that was my life.

>>17759625
>>17759633

Just saw the initial i missed it the first time. definitely not you.

But holy fuck the pattern is so damn close. Like down to a T. Constantly saying she doesnt deserve to be happy, how she hates herself and then does self destructive shit that makes her hate herself more, going from happy and cute to absolute hatred and anger in a blink of an eye - so fast that at first i thought she was kidding because it was so unprovoked and dramatic. She intentionally picked fights with service people over literally the dunbest shit, like for no reason at all, to the point where it was embarressing and id be telling her to chill out. And then suddenly shed go back to being "normal" and act like nothing happened and treat the guy like hes her best friend.

Fuck man. Idk. Im going to call her and tell her i cant be with her. If she flips the fuck out then ill tell her she needs help and leave it at that. I got my own issues, i cant let her destroy my life like she is destroying hers as sad as that truly is. What a fucked up sickness.

>>17759654
>>17759633
This... This can all be resolved if you guys make a choice to get crippled. By crippled I mean extremely fucking high. I don't know what to do. I'm h-i-g-h as a giraffes nuts you God damn niggerinos. You are a faggot. I'm high as FUCK right now holy shit tutti fruition I'm in a fucking high ass condition! Man you gotta get high and jack off! Smoke fucking weeeeeeeeddddddddd you retards!

I think I've made my point.

>>17759668
It's truly a fucked up sickness.

They have extremely strong, passionate relationships in the beginning. You will think "Wow, this girl is just perfect! I can't believe I found someone so amazing with so much in common..." but this is how they work. Borderlines mimic people's interests, personalities, likes, ideas, everything perfectly because they want everyone to love them. And the sex will be amazing as well because... that's what they do. Have sex. All the time. With everyone.

I have been in relationships with nothing but broken women and I really need to stop that. My first two ex's were just as abusive, manipulative, and extreme. She wasn't like this at first but when I first visited her home country is when I first started to see the problems. She was obsessed with the idea I would cheat on her with my ex despite how my ex cheated on me and I hate that bitch. But this BPD girl insisted... hundreds of times throughout the 2 years...

The mood swings were violent and sudden. Anything would set her off and I was terrified of that. She would just go off on me for an hour, calling me names, childish mocking, sarcastic replies, and then eventually threaten to break up over me because I told her that if she was uncomfrotable with any of the sexual things we talk about please tell me as I don't want her to think I would ever hurt her in any way.

The next day? She would be crying to me begging me to promise to be understanding, loving, and never judge her for being so hateful and mean. Saying how she never meant such things and that she would never say those things in her sanity. She begged me to never let her go...

And then she would complain about how I was guilt tripping her into staying with me.

I got bad myself around oct10th. She was doing a bunch of super shady shit that clearly indicated she was cheating but she would never admit to doing anything. I still don't know if she did or not because borderlines literally cannot take responsibility

>>17759713
I gotta say as well..

When I first met her she told me how abusive her ex's were. Like, how they would fight, call her names, cheat on her, ect.

However... that last 8 months or so she sorta started to obsess over one of her exes. She would defend him constantly, openly praise him as a person and sexually. It made me extremely uncomfortable as she was going to move to the same city as him soon too.

Now shes telling people I'm abusive and toxic when... in september she was so excited to be with me again and telling me how I was the love of her life. How she wanted to have my last name and how happy it made her thinking about having my children.

Then that october 7th time she went full on hateful and on the 10th so many people posted here that set me off.

God I wish I knew the truth but I never will. No one will talk to me because they all think I'm abusive and toxic based on what she's telling them.

It's called splitting. Borderlines cannot see the world in greys but only in black and white. They either completely love someone or completely hate them. Because she was feeling guilty for her behavior and that I was pushing her to get help she just started to turn vile towards me. Just making shit up and hating me so that she can justify her actions and avoid responsibility.

I caught her in a lot of lies... I really did. It pissed her off the more lies I caught her in.

also just so you know... borderlines only want what they cannot have.

And if they start to feel genuine feelings for someone they will turn off the intimacy...

And when they actually love that person? They will disappear without a trace.

OP update:

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to be referred to a therapist. I have overcome the argument and worked things out with partner, told them I am seeking help. They are good to me and maintain my behavior is normal and I merely overreact but always calm down.

They deserve better, so I hope therapy and maybe medication will help me become better for them. I want to give this advice to anyone else reading. Seek help and help others seek help before its too late.

>>17760146
I'm proud of you OP for recognising your abusive behaviour. I hope you can become a better person, for your own sake but mostly for everyone else's sake. Good luck

>>17760146
Your behavior is not normal OP, please do not let any of your friends delude you into thinking that. They are simply trying to make you feel better. It's ignorant, but they do care.

My ex's friends would convince her that she was just normal, having "mood swings" as well. They would erase the months of progress I would make in a single day and she would berate me trying to say she was broken. The thing is... she was telling them completely made up fabricated stories about how I was bad to her or something because if they knew the things she did to me they would never have told her it was "normal".

Just... stay strong and make sure you go to every appointment you make. You need to be diligent and understand that... it's going to be difficult. You're already doing considerably better than most people just by taking this step. I'm actually super jealous of you two right now. I so badly wished that she....

That's in the past now I guess. We could have been amazing I just know it. She hates me so much right now and it breaks my heart knowing she is being so self destructive.

You're gonna be alright OP.