None of you understand how Poleaboo feels, none of you understand what he goes through on a daily basis and none of you know of the strength required to endure it
The first challenge of every day is getting out of bed, he knows there is nothing for him out there and the best part of the day is at it's furthest point (when he gets to sleep again)
Then he must run the gauntlet of word, phrases and images that trigger him, each time he encounters one (happens multiple times daily) he drops further down the spiral of depression and feels like killing himself, every fucking thought, fantasy and dream he has involves suicide, he just wants this pain to end
The period before he goes back to sleep can be awful too, he recounts the expereinces of the day and how he was spent another day in hell, suffering, wasting his life while others are euphoric
>None of you understand how Poleaboo feels, none of you understand what he goes through on a daily basis and none of you know of the strength required to endure it >The first challenge of every day is getting out of bed, he knows there is nothing for him out there and the best part of the day is at it's furthest point (when he gets to sleep again) >Then he must run the gauntlet of word, phrases and images that trigger him, each time he encounters one (happens multiple times daily) he drops further down the spiral of depression and feels like killing himself, every fucking thought, fantasy and dream he has involves suicide, he just wants this pain to end >The period before he goes back to sleep can be awful too, he recounts the expereinces of the day and how he was spent another day in hell, suffering, wasting his life while others are euphoric
Time's up, I'm leaving a waste In the paths, where they cross, I want a prisoner staked So like they hustle, means it's sharp when I'm cutting your brakes I'm leaving you in the beach, you're blooding over the place
The bass, grimy like a crack addict in stasis Nasty as evil and everything that relates Fasten your seatbelts, prepare to embrace Cause I'm cutting your brakes
>>53537085 >lived in selly oak >uni is "diverse" >town is "diverse"
only thing i've really noticed is groups sorta sticking between themselves and not breaking it. I called out some moslem breh in pepe's piri piri for blazing a joint with me over the weekend and he seemed VERY embarassed to be clocked for smoking le weed by his elders
>>53537356 Cornwall has an exam on Physics Cosmology next monday I think Sershlad has even left the /brit/ steam group so god knows where he is. Probably full on normie now. Gay Yorkshire moved out of his house never to return
Decided to start a blog, so I have “something” to show for my waste of a life.
Woke up today at 10.30am and masturbated while thinking of my former flatmates castrating me and forcing me to be their sissy maid.
Showered an brushed my teeth, noticed one of my flatmates cleaned up the bathroom, its been a while, we do not speak at all so she will never push me to pick do more, although I believe I do my fair share. I listened carefully, waiting for her to leave the hallway before leaving the bathroom and going back to me bedroom.
Breakfast was Weetabix and water.
Shitposted on /sp/ and /r9k/ for a bit, got banned on /sp/ because I posted again about how my copy of Pokemon Omega Ruby has still not arrived in the post. My theory is that it has arrived but it is sitting in the letterbox, living in these flats though, the letterbox is locked, I do not have a key and must wait for my roommate to check it and remove the package. It has been 13 days since I ordered the game.
I was really looking forward to playing the game during my timeoff last week but it looks like this, my final semester, is going to be very busy but regardless of the amount of effort I put in I doubt I will get a good grade, I think I may have failed an exam in January.
My plans today were
to apply to one grad scheme, hopefully I can copy and paste most stuff Do one item of tutorial work
I accomplished neither of them.
I did watch Birdman today, I thought it was okay, the vague twist style ending was shit. Also today I masturbated again and shaved.
Both my roommates left midday so I had the place to myself, I was able to eat then so I would not have to go to the kitchen when they came back, had a microwaved grilled cheese sandwich.
>>53537766 Both my roommates came back at around six, the female bought a friend of her, I think this was the first time in 5 months she ever bought a friend back. I stayed in my room while she was around, her presence though did not offend me as much as when my male roommate brings his friends over, girls giggling is just so much more pleasant to the ears than those assholes ruckus. I did have to resort to using a pissjug again, though I felt no resentment towards them, perhaps because using a pissjug has become normal for me now.
They both went out and returned at ten o’clock, her friend showered here, I think they may be lesbians. This aroused me even though I do not find my female flatmate attractive, she is too chubby for me.
By eleven o’clock, they were in the kitchen talking with my other roommate for some reason, isn’t it a little late to be having a chat? Why did he even come out of his room to talk to them? Why did he care about getting to know our roommates friend who he will likely never see again? They continued their chat for half an hour minutes, there seemed to be some silence but none of them took it a sign to end the conversation and go back to their rooms, they just continued to wait for the next individual to share a shitty story and then laugh like goons.
I am a little annoyed by this as a I was planning on maybe heating up some milk to have with my cookies.
My female roommates friend stayed over last night, robbing me of my right to brush me teeth before sleeping. Listening in on their conversations last night I finally found out what my female roommates name is.
Had a weird dream, I was watching non existent first season episodes of The Simpsons with my male roommate on his laptop, in my room.
Last night I also took an online autism test, needless to say I “passed” with flying colours, but what now? Do I use my autism as a scapegoat for why everything sucks in my life and I have no power to better my situation? Is that actually the case?
I think the reason some people at uni are so friendly towards me is because my autism is so obvious, they take pity on me, they even treat me like a child sometimes and completely overlook my strangeness.
Woke up after ten, showered, breakfast, opened up my laptop, pokemon has still not arrived.
Went out at 2pm for groceries, notice the letterbox flap was open, made me think it was full and my game had arrived. Went to Asda, bought potatoes coleslaw, toothpaste, frozen pizzas and cereal. My backpack was not large enough to carry everything so I had to carry one of the boxes of cereal in my hand back home. I wasn’t very embarrassed, I did sweat but only a little.
When I got back I couldn’t stop thinking of the possibility that my game had arrived, so I consulted r9k, who advised me to just ask me roommate for the key, I was feeling very brave, must be the thought of guaranteed gains. I went to my roommates room, knocked and asked if I could have the key, after I knocked he told me to come in, I pushed the door and could see his messy room. We went down to check the letterbox together even though he had told me he had already checked this morning, it was empty, I was embarrassed and tried explaining what I was waiting for and why I thought it had arrived, I think I just sounded weird and accusatory.
>>53537933 I sped back to my room and played some YGOpro for several hours. My female roommate returned and brought her friend from yesterday back with her, they sat in the living room watching television. I needed to urinate again so I went to the pissjug, it was beginning to stink, I felt yesterday I had been too loud so I stuck some tissue paper in their to quieten the sound of the stream hitting the bottle and trickling down, this did not help very much, I suspect they heard me, I am hoping they think it was the pipes or upstairs neighbours.
For entertainment, I am watching Mike Tyson Mysteries, I like Mike Tyson & Jim Rash but English language comedy shows are more about being able to relax. I also watched JoJo today, I used to love anime, but I have not been able to get into anything non shounen for almost a year now.
My female roommates friend stayed over today again, I could not brush my teeth again, she also used the shower, although I am a reformed character, I would have liked to have been able to see how she looked, she had a nice accent, I think it was American.
Pokemon arrived today, it was sealed, ridiculous that it took 2 whole weeks to arrive, I sold a game recently, dispatched it the following day and it arrived the day after. Not happy about this, I will still leave positive feedback since I got it at a good price and I did receive the item afterall.
The rest of my dad was rather uneventful, I played the game for 4 hours, I did not enjoy it at all, probably because I nuzloked it on emulators over the years, I was also struggling to take in the dialogue due to my autism. My roomates left for a good portion of the day and I had the place to myself, I cleaned my bedroom, the bathroom, reset the router to get around a ban and had dinner.
My male roommate came back with a friend but he did not stay long, their laughing was annoying as usual but I was not afraid to use the toilet today, not sure why.
Manchester City dropped points in the league again, this disappointed me, I don’t know why but I love MCFC, when they do well it makes me happy, I also enjoy posted and reading /epl/ and various other threads of /sp/, it feels like having friends, to be honest though it hasn’t really improved me conversation skills, there are many off topic chats that I do not have anything to contribute to.
My younger sister called me today, asking how to watch downloaded films on the television, I really wish she would learn to do these things by herself, its healthier, develop research skills, I am worried she will become an autist like myself.
Nothing was accomplished today in terms of uni work and grad schemes, I will stay up until 1am watching Football highlights with /sp/, I may also cook myself a frozen pizza.
>>53537983 well I'm bi, but I found lots of girls don't care about cock size as long as its average and has decent girth, at least the level-headed ones. i've only had a few gay encounters, and no one complained about each others cock size, more people care about your hygiene and performance rather.
The lecturer took 5 very long minutes to get the lecture started, I felt very anxious, everyone else was talking to their friends, I was just staring at the first powerpoint slide and fiddling with my pen. Soon after another individual entered the room and decided to be seated on my row, he is the closest thing I have to a “friend”, he often speaks to me, sits next to me, invited me to his birthday party on facebook once and sometimes even asks me what I am doing after the lecture and if I would like to participate in activities with him. However the conversation does not flow well, I prefer to keep my distance from him as it is painful never knowing what to say, I will enter lectures earlier in the future to avoid him. I don’t even know why he bothers with me, he is a total Chad, over 6.5 feet tall, on the university basketball team, /fit/, wealthy, decent looking since he has a decent looking gf and has diverse interests, he watches a lot of /tv/ type shows, his coverage is better than mine. During the lecture he made comments in response to things the lecturer said or did, things such as “Jesus Christ”, he found her actions amusing, I was not sure how to contribute or what response he was looking for so I just weakly smiled and turned my head less than 45 degrees in his direction. I do think he is a great guy, very friendly and I would like to be able to call him my friend but I do not want to take part in any activities that friends would do together, it is easier and more comfortable for the most part to be alone.
The lecture seemed very straight forward and short, although I find it hard to concentrate when I am concious of the person sitting next to me, be it someone who speak to me or a pretty girl who came in late and was forced to sit next to me, I swallow my spit and make weird noises with my mouth a lot, a sign of autism I am led to believe.
>>53538372 On my way out I noticed this hideous beta orbiter standing around and talking to this girl I liked AGAIN, both are on my course, I know they were not sitting next to each other in the lecture hall, so he must have sniffed her out, I hate how he has forced himself on her, she is a queen, giving filth like him the gift of her presence and the glory of being able to speak to speak to her is a travesty, she is an 8 and he is a 2, the only positive is that it shows how kind she is. That explains why she will respond to him him but it boggles the mind though how confident he is, did he think he had a shot with her? Here is a description of her, she dresses like a chav, on facebook she speaks like a chav but she is pretty and wealthy, that is what sets her apart from the council estate scum.
Polish noticeable accent small hoop earings 2 in one ear, only 1 in the other “snakebite” eyebrow piercing on the side of her face with 2 earings looks good, they are colourful nice smooth skin and facial features are all non offensive super skinny dresses and eats like a chav but its kinda sexy when a pretty girl does it wears acid washed skinny blue jeans ankle high brown fur trimmed boots small Bench coat with fur trim around the hood white hoodie underneath keeps her hair in a messy bun
I can see her facebook profile due to her security settings, she has a bf, he has a six pack, graduated a year before her and does MMA. I can’t compete with that, it makes me wonder what sort of girl I do deserve. I hope I don’t have to settle for a fatty, I would rather die a virgin.
Last night as I was watching the highlights show, I went to prepare myself a frozen pizza, as I was collecting the pie, my roommate came out his room and into the kitchen, for the purpose of interacting with me, or so I assume.
Normally this would throw me but considering our exchange the previous day, this was expected, he would open asking about the game and I would respond with the opening paragraph of yesterdays blog. Things did get worse from that point but I am glad the conversation kept on moving, I gave my opinion on the game, I hated it, the reasons I hated it, vidya in general and his job search. As usual I felt rushed, I could not think clearly or fast enough to give quality responses or show my true power level but I am fairly proud of what I accomplished. Another issue I have though is that I always wear the same clothes while relaxing at home, I hope that doesn’t give him a bad impression of myself. I really hope I can become friends with this guy, I don’t meet a lot of people, this is the first time in ever that I have met someone who even likes anime.
Woke up at 11am today, have uni tomorrow, only one lecture and it is in the middle of the day, I will likely just play some more pokemon today even though I am not crazy about it, this thought proved be correct as I spent around 9 hours playing the game today while watching a couple of films in the background.
Watching Gone Girl, I wondered what I would have to do to get a gf if even Chad was willing to eat her out, then I thought about what I would even do with one, the social interaction would not be for me, I really am more comfortable being alone, I need to fix this problem before I can chase the notion of a gf or even friends.
>>53538431 Anxiety, people are around and your brain just won't allow you to leave the room
Yes, I'd love to be able to use the toilet at will but I can't
My male roommate had friends come over at around 2pm, they stayed and played some form of tabletop rpg for near 9 hours, I did not eat anything today other than breakfast. This was reason enough to make me upset but what further agitated me was the sound of their chatter and laughter, I know some of that laughter was directed towards me, I was brave enough to use the toilet again today but when I returned to my room I heard references to me and a joke involving taking me to the “pokecentre”, I hate the guy who made that joke, I heard him make another joke once before, I sort of confronted him the first time, his eyes welled up with fear, he is certainly a beta.
Also had a realisation about my roommate, just like the girl from last year, he is only nice to me because he has to be, he is scum just like the rest of them, why can he not go to one of his friends houses to play these games for once?
Still though I wish they would invite me to play, I even watched Spoony do a few reviews and commentaries on D&D, not exactly to prepare, but maybe understand them better. Ran through a few scenarios in my head, where I would need to go into the living room for some reason, I would take a peak at one of their character sheets and then drop a comment, they will be intrigued or impressed and invite me to join.
Another little confession, I am thinking of buying a starter set or book and when I go home, telling my mother that it was a gift from my roommate, that we had fun playing together ever, maybe then whip up a game with my brother, younger sisters and cousin if he visits during the holidays. Sometimes if I keep repeating lies, I start to believe them because everyone around me believes them.
>>53538485 Poleaboo is waiting for his solicitor to return his
Yesterday night my roommate had some friends over again, it was just as agitating as usual, only differences are when I went to use the toilet, one of his friends looked back in my direction as I was leaving, it felt like a judgemental glance, I am not sure if I will go back to pissjugs or if the anger I feel now will fuel me to act like an obnoxious normie in order to gain some form of vengeance on those table top playing cunts , probably the former.
On the academic front, things are slightly off the wrong side of decent, my grades in the first semester we 2 B grades and 2 D grades, for a 2:1 degree, I need 4 B grades, 2 C grades and 2 D grades. I was initially relieved that I did not fail any of the modules but soon after me attention was focused on the second D grade, it was in a topic I was feeling very confident in, I thought I was going to receive a B grade, I have no idea how I messed up so badly, I had studied significantly more for the subjects I performed poorly in than those I performed well, disheartening to know my effort was not rewarded. Overall though I am feeling optimistic, as was pointed out to me on /sp/, my fate is in my own hands, getting 2 B grades and 2 C grades, or better, in the next semester is not a gargantuan task and from what I have seen of this semesters modules they all seem very approachable.
I am understanding the topics taught and completing the tutorial work on schedule, one piece every weekday. There is however one exception, there is a module in which the tutorial sessions involve forming groups and taking part in discussions, the groups are not formed by the tutor, this is just something I cannot do and will not be attending those tutorials, the first of which I am skipping today. Towards the end of the semester the attendance should dwindle, I might make a appearance at that point, I will need to attend at least one session as the tutorial work is very similar to what will be asked of us in the exam, analysing a case study.
At university today I had several fantasies of myself finding some way to stand out and be acknowledged by my peers, most involve me getting into an altercation and beating up the other party, because its okay to be quiet “loner” (hate using that word) if you are a tough guy or a psycho, makes it seem like its by choice or at least no one will pity you, they may still look at you with disgust but it will be the way peasants look at the decadence of their king, not the downward glance of the normies upon the virgins and NEETs.
The “friend” I have sat behind me in the lecture hall as I had gotten in before him by a wide enough margin, he asked me my grades, I lied and said BBCD, he gave me his, ABDD, he is in the same position as I am, told me one girl failed a module and he thinks many others have done so too. In another lecture later in the day, I sat behind the Polish girl I like and her orbiter, the orbiter annoyed me greatly, I honestly say some of my self in his behaviour but at least I am self aware. I got to listen to the Polish girl talk which was nice, she pronounced “ah” in the middle of words as “ayy”, I thought it was cute.
>twf I can't remember how she spoke anymore
>>53538598 You will care one day, you'll be bragging about how you spoke to me
Nothing happened today, nothing was felt, woke up very early to attend my sole lecture of the day, I did not speak to anyone, no one spoke to me, I say by myself and went home 1 and a half hours later.
Doing tutorial work right now and looking forward to streaming a football match and watching highlights tonight. I only got into football around 3 years ago, towards the end of my gambling problem (I ended in the red by £500 after initially being up by £200, Martingale and low risk, low reward gambles blew up in my face). Gambling seemed like easy money but I probably did it for the excitement, there was nothing I wanted to purchase, there is still not physical item that I am lusting after. The team that I “support” is the team that set of the chain of events leading to my first flurry of losses.
Only been eating 2 meals a day for a short while now, I think it might be depression or anxiety that I have lost my appetite. I am not looking forward to the end of my current lifestyle.
>>53538679 I need him to pick it up from the cop shop but I'm on legal aid so not a priority apparently and he has court appearances to make during opening hours so hasn't been able to find a spare hour in the last 3 weeks
My tutorial class has 13 girls, decent looking, I would rape half of them given the chance, and 1 guy other than myself, that beta orbiter I mentioned earlier. I think all the guys immigrated to different groups, rules are somewhat loose. I just kept to myself, set apart from everyone else and looked over my answers, got some stuff wring, other stuff was a bit confusing but I have got the hang of it all now.
Went home, I’m not really into music, tried listening to a few songs that I do like, I am fan a of Eurovision, I genuinely like the music, I think its all fun and upbeat, I was listening to my favourite song from last years competition, Poland’s entry, soon I remembered why I stopped listening to it, it reminds me of my former roommate, makes me feel all depressed with that sinking feeling in my stomach, I think of the missed opportunities, what I should have done differently and that its all behind me, I will never get a redo. It feels as if that was the peak of my existence, I was on work placement and living with a pretty girl, its all downhill from here, I will never have a job again and I will never be that close to a pretty girl again.
I feel sorry for myself even though I keep reminding myself “I am the bad guy”, I have seen television shows and films, I am that creepy obsessive guy the heroine has to get a restraining order against, it’s wonderful being able to look at myself, how pathetic, detached from reality and dangerous I am and seem, it helps me to understand why I am wrong to feel the way I do but it doesn’t help to make those feelings go away. A while ago I thought of hiring a skywriter but then I realised that was exactly what a stalker would do. For a few minutes I wonder if if she knew how I felt, if she could read everything I have every typed about her, would she understand my feelings? Then I step back and realise how delusional I am and fluctuate between being upset and angry.
>>53538401 same, I used to be quite self-conscious of my cock being under 6 inches as an adolescent, and looking back it was fucking petty. like, there's not much I can improve myself in that region, and I was already quite skinny. it's really life-affirming when being told that you've satisfied your partner, and i've gotten compliment from both guys and girls for the sex we had. feels fucking great man.
From 11am to at least midnight I am guessing, all I would have done today is sit in front of my laptop. I don’t even know what I have done today, barely any time has been spent reading or watching stuff, significantly more time was spent posting in threads.
I binged a little, I ate Tortilla Chips with dip, felt like crap afterwards, like always, I am skinnyfat but in pretty poor health, too late to learn to cook, need to go shopping tomorrow, will buy frozen pizzas and potatoes.
Went to the pissjug again, not because of my roommates had friends over but because the bathroom was in use and I couldn’t hold it, it is pathetic, arguably worse.
Downloaded some femdom videos last night, masturbated, wasn’t great, been thinking of making the move to regular porn for a while now, might be a good starting point in the journey to sort or my sexual issues.
>tfw qt girl who's mom used to babysit me works at my local gas station >2 years younger than me and is 18 now >see her every night after work when I stop in to get an Arizona and cigs >always around midnight so the town is quiet and it's just us in the store >gives me this look every time >pretty sure she's lewd and wants to fug but too beta to flat out ask
I know Lauren , a real delusional bitch.Thinks she's famous , or some social elite.Truth is she's an over makeuped spastic , she does have a hot body that would merit a wank or 2 and a hellacious breeding session.But without all that clown paint on her face she's not all that , I really despise her for her selfish ego maniacal attitude.But yes I'd fuck the cunt off her , rough hard and bareback.
>>53539147 >master race literally fuck off back to reddit. PC gamers are so fucking cringworthy. before you go saying >le console gaymer, I own a decent PC but I don't constantly harp on about it because I'm not a fucking autist
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