Storytime of Pain: Marville

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>>94011836

>>94011836
I've never read this but I've heard about it.

I can feel my sanity eroding already.

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>>94011926
Oh boy, you are in for a RIDE.

If Axel Alonso wrote his own religious manifesto and turned it into a Marvel comic, would it be as funny as Marville?

>>94011836
Why anon, why do you always have to make us suffer.

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>>94011978
No way. Jemas is a special kind of crazy to allow this to happen. Alonso would just be a bunch of cameos by Atlanta rappers he likes with a handful of standard liberal talking points.

>>94011968
Yeah i'm hating it so far

>>94012035
OP, what's the best part about Marville? The references to Spike Lee and Ted Turner that were already outdated at the time? The pinup covers that were intended to be sexy but just look uncanny valley? The inexplicable dive into religious theory? Or Wolverine being part of the missing link between animals and man?

I'm so confused and scared what the hell is happening

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>>94012098
The letterer giving up halfway through the comic is my favorite.

>>94012100
Anon, you haven't seen nothing yet, oh lordy you haven't SEEN nothing yet.

What the fuck is this...

>>94011836
It's already that period of the year again? Neat.
Keep going, OP. You are doing Satan's work

>The wasted Greg Horn's talent on this drivel
I hope he at least got paid handsomely.

So, is there any real reason Jemas tried to force in philosophy in issues 3 - 5?

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>>94012292
This was part of a bet between Jemas and PAD. Jemas bet PAD that he could shit out a comic by just stream of conscious writing in one sitting that'd sell better than PAD's Captain Marvel run. Marville was the result.

>>94012265
>>94012276
I think these pages were meant to be together.

Is the pain thing biannually then??the Girls storytime took place a few months ago

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Alright, now here's the issue where the letterer and inker gave up.

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>>94012389
Ah, yeah. A handful of the double-page spreads are broken up unfortunately. I thought I had already edited them all together from when I storytimed this last year but it looks like I accidentally deleted the folder that had the edited versions but kept the unedited versions.

Sorry bout that, folks.

>>94012345
Well, yeah, but that doesn't really explain the "let's figure why crime is a thing by meeting God" "arc" that started here: >>94012386.

>>94012105
the most confusing part of this are the notes.
did they think it was funny or were they seriously under the impression that clueless normies would read this one day?

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>>94012391
You can do a storytime of pain anytime you want. The Storytime Weekend of Pain happens during SDCC and all of /co/'s storytimers get together to do nothing but SoPs.

>>94012091
>>94012398
The pinup covers are insulting. Like they had zero faith in this, so they slapped them on to promote sales.

Every year, I forget just how awful this series is.

By the way, what else is part of this marathon?
Is it other stuff Linkara talked about?

>>94012216
oh neat, thats where that panel is from.

>tfw Bill Jemas legit believes that Wolverine was an otter and the progenitor of humanity, and that talking Jewish dinosaurs existed in the Jurassic period
This is a special person.

Also, why is Spike Lee the Kingpin? No, seriously, I never got that. What is the fucking joke there?

>>94012427
>>94012440
HAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

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>>94012543
I've never watched/read/listened to (I'm honestly not sure what he does other than constantly seeing people bring up his name and a single picture of him in a fedora holding a gun) any of his stuff, so I'm not sure. But to answer your question, while I can't speak for what the other storytimers have planned, I'd be in Trouble if I spoiled what's in store.

Why does "God" have no lines at this point but is appearing everywhere in the art?

>>94012612
>Heavy-shaking-head-no.gif

>>94012586
I think at that point, he remembered this was supposed to be a parody comic.

>>94012612
I see.
He's a comic critic for TGWTG, btw. He did all of Marville.

>>94012612
>Trouble
Y'know, for as dumb as Marville is, it's at least unintentionally funny. Trouble is just shit, and makes me legitimately angry.

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>>94012659
If this was written even remotely competently then I'd say the writer is trying to make a point about the fact that while God may not speak directly to us, he is always with us and guiding us. But since this is Marville, I'm honestly not sure.

>>94012660
>"Oh God, God, carbon dioxide is dying!"
This is hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

There's 6 issues of this shit? One issue would've been enough.

>>94011836
Thanks you op. I needed a reason to hurt myself

>>94012427
Holy shit, I thought you were exaggerating letters and inks giving up

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>>94012701
>>94012659
Also, "Jack" is God, so he does have lines.

>>94012746
>Why must those poor innocent molecules die???
Literally a Futurama joke. Only it's not a joke. Goddammit, Bill.

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>>94012776
Actually, there's 7 issues. I'm not sure if I'll post the 7th one though since it's... well, you'll see, I guess.

>>94012816
Yeah, I must have missed the switch from Young Man to Jack.

>>94011959
Love it for Phyla, anon.

>>94011876
I will always love this page

>>94012844
You might as well, I think it's a short "issue" anyways.

>>94011836
I'm actually going to read it this time.

>>94011836

You're... you're STARTING with Marville???? C'mon OP - you need to ease us in gently. You can't just hit us with a turd like this right off the bat - we're not ready for it.

If this isn't a case of getting the worst out of the way first, I'm genuinely scared to think what unspeakable horrors you have lined up for us before SDCC draws to a close.

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>>94012963
It's tradition to start with the Unholy Trinity. Unfortunately, I don't have The Unfunnies saved, so I'm hoping that someone else storytimes that while I take a break.

If any storytimer is willing to do that one for me, it'd be appreciated.

>>94011876
......huh?

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>>94012947
It's actually double-sized.

>>94012386
Hey this isn't that b->>94012427
What

I thought the Weekend of Pain started on the weekend. It starts when the SDCC starts?

>>94013020
Lemme download the issues and I'll do it.

>>94011894
Top panel should be a reaction image.

My...my mind. I don't feel so good.

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>>94013061
Weekends are relative.

>>94013115
It's time...

>>94012933
>mischbucha
Jewish dinosaurs.

JEWISH. DINOSAURS. Oy vey, this is fucking retarded.

>>94013076
I think someone made a triple "combined pages" storytime of Nemesis, The Unfunnies, and Trouble this year to make storytiming faster

>>94011968
...but how

how does he have a burlap sack with his name on it already

This feels like it was pitched as a cartoon in the vein of Animaniacs/etc. that some weirdo thought would work as a comic, too.

>>94011836
I never paid attention to this image, for years I thought it was Superboy Prime despite the Marville title.

>>94011836
Reminder that Phyla-Vell read this comic in-universe and loved it

>>94013230
Hmm, should I not storytime it then?

>>94013061
SDCC started yesterday...

>>94013233
No, but it is supposed to be a reference to Smallville, even though the book itself has fuck all to do with Smallville.

Now that you mention it though, I would love to see Superboy Prime reading Marville.

What is the fucking point this comic is trying to make

Remember folks, Wolverine is an otter, and somehow is also the first human.

Which of these is more mind shatteringly stupid? You decide!

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>>94013277
No, feel free to storytime it. I don't think speed is that big of a deal considering it's not like you storytiming it faster means that people can read it any faster and there'll be no shortage of reading material over the next few days for people to drown their brains into.

>>94013413
Karate-chopping asteroids, so far

>>94013277
Go ahead. I personally think that the combined image one might be too compressed to make out the already unreadable text

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>>94013328
That was preview night. Exhibition Hall officially opened at 9:30 PST this morning.

>>94011853
This "insider's guide" confuses the heck out of me. Who is this aimed at?
If they think that people won't understand the joke if they don't read this guide, why include the joke at all?

>>94013451
>>94013474
I'm planning on storytiming "Liberality for All", which is basically the conservative Calexit. A dystopian world where Al Gore won the 2000 election and, well
>It is 2021, tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of 9/11. America is under oppression by ultra-liberal extremists who have surrendered governing authority to the United Nations. Hate speech legislation called the “Coulter Laws” have forced vocal conservatives underground. A group of bio-mechanically enhanced conservatives led by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, and a young man born on September 11, 2001, set out to thwart Ambassador Usama bin Laden's plans to nuke New York City.

>>94013404
>We should have world peace, but we don't because it's part of life. So buck up, kid, and become a superhero.
That's the closest I can get to a feasible message.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

>>94012161
Reminder that Quesada was almost part of the bet, but than he realised that it was retarded and decided to continue doing his job instead.

It's here it's here! The Most Wonderful time of the year!
thanks big ups

>>94012427
>>94012440
Why did they think that suddenly changing from word balloons to this script format was a good idea?

>>94012994
>10% of your brain

every. fucking. time. the fuck do these retards think we use to regulate our heartbeat? process vision? walk, talk, write terrible comics with?

>>94012933
>What? Don't tell me that humans kill other humans
Oh fuck you Jemas, tons of animals kill others of their own kind all the time. Humans are in fact the only ones capable of feeling bad about it.

>>94013617
Is that why Deathstroke always loses? He has a heart attack every time he fights Titans?

>>94013617
Bill Jemas really doesn't get science, but he pretends he does.

>>94013564
>Reminder that Quesada was almost part of the bet, but than he realised that it was retarded and decided to go make Peter sign a deal with the Devil to erase his marriage.

Yeah obviously Quesada is way above that.

>>94013617
But anon, the other 90% is totally just sitting there housing our latent psychic powers! All we have to do is buy up all those energy pills I heard about on Dr. Oz, and we'll be as gods!

>"Let's recap everything while subtly complaining how people didn't get my vision!"
This issue in a nutshell.

>>94013707
Not what I was saying. Just that the whole bet was retarded from day one.

>>94013323
This is some real revisionist bullshit here. Go back and read Amazing Fantasy 15 and you'll see that Ben and Peter got along perfectly, Ben and May were the only people on Earth Peter cared about.
Bill Jemas is clearly going with the MOVIE version of the origin, which is unacceptable, he should know better.

>>94013730
Double But, Einstein had an extra 20% and only mad a bitching nuke with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9Ku9HIumpM&t=168s

>>94013683
> I never thought about this before. But now that I have, I still don't care.
Well, that pretty much sums it up.

>>94013764
I think we'd already concluded Bill Jemas is a fucking idiot before even reading that page.

>>94012225
Well, I made it further than I expected to say "this shit is retarded" out loud.

>>94013764
That's clearly a movie/USM origin.

>>94013597
Man, Jemas sure loves complaining about comics and their fans. No wonder he was fired.

>>94013835
I know, that's my point. Bill Jemas is using the movie version of the origin even yet acting like it applies to the classic Spider-Man origin, "a tragedy of the ages".

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And now for the often forgotten 7th issue. It's not that interesting but the irony of it makes it something special.

>>94013879
So long, don't let the door hit you on the way out. You pretentios douche. World peace? Seriously?

It's impressive that the artist still managed to do one hell of a job, despite penciling the worst comic book of all time.

>>94013902
The irony is that this is exactly where the path to current Marvel's damnation starts.

WHY WERE YOU SO BLIND TO IT!??!!?

I am so fucking Lost...I never thought there was an even worse comic than America Chavez

>>94013902
It's the best issue of Marville, since it's not actually an issue of Marville.
Epic Comics was a colossal failure.

>>94012537
I don't know why I thought this comic would be above using a BBC joke

>>94013937
It can always be worse anon, let this comic be proof of that, and the comics worse than this drive that point home.

>>94013902
So, did ANYTHING come out of Epic Comics?

>>94013931
>starting out with an ad for Trouble
Yeah, cause that'll help!

By the way, did we ever find out how old these models were at the time? Still creeps me out.

>>94013997
I honestly don't think this meets the minimum required effort to count as a comic book. it's a collection of illustrated rambling.

>>94013962
>Epic books about Marvel heroes with the largest existing reader bases will be the least likely to reach new readers
That's bullshit and you know it. New readers always go for the big heroes first. Obscure characters and new stuff are only bought by hardcore fans.

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>>94013997
>>94013937
To me, that's the true reason behind this weekend. We spend all year shitting on mediocre comics and calling them the worst things ever just because they weren't particularly good. This weekend puts into perspective what truly awful comics look like. The next time you're reading some bad or mediocre comic, remind yourself that, yes, it may be shit but at least it's not Marville.

>>94014013
Trouble. If you don't know what that is, get ready because its part of the SDCC Storytime of Pain line-up.

>>94013253
this page shows a fucking PROFOUND lack of understanding vis a vis the actualy mechanics of crossbreeding and genetic barriers to reproduction.

see also grolar bears, zebroids, ligers, wholphin, mules, every plant youve ever seen, beefalo, savannah, specialist grapes, cama, dzo, various wolf/dog hybrids, and many others.

>>94014010
>The folks at Marvel Studios in particular are always eager to hear about a new Marvel character that isn't attached to any existing Marvel character family
Really?

>>94014065
NOOOOOOOOOOOO

>>94014013
Old Epic had titles like translated Akira and Eletra: Assassin by Miller, but new Epic was just horseshit.

I might be thinking of another Marvel imprint, but there was a dude a few months ago who was arguing that Vertigo has never put out a single good book and that Epic (or was it Icon?) was far superior. I suspect it had to be a troll.

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>>94014105
Yes, because this was a time where 80% of existing Marvel character families were licensed out to other studios so they had very little to work with.

>>94014088
Are you telling me that a comic book editor pretending to be a writer that was fired doesn't know anything about science? Who knew.

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>>94014127
Original Epic was fantastic and I personally think it produced more quality products than Vertigo did. nuEpic was absolute garbage and Icon was just a place for Bendis and Millar to do creator-owned books so they wouldn't run off to Image.

>>94013834
>Sure, That's probably historically accurate
This comic is so retarded I can't tell when it is being sarcastic

>>94014139
Come to think of it, didn't it turn out that the real reason Bill Jemas was fired was because Avi Arad was pissed that a Nick Fury MAX comic caused George Clooney to walk away from a Nick Fury movie?

>>94014107
>He aged, he got married, he got boring
Was this ghost written by Quesada?

I've been reading comic books for 30 years and never heard of this "EPIC" thing Marvel did. It sounds like some presumptuous masturbatory dream from Jemas to be honest. What an insufferable person, It must've been torture to work for that guy.

>>94014107
>Wouldn't it be cool if he turned intelligent and gray? NO
Man, Jemas really did hate Peter David.

>>94014190
Hey, it could've been Priest. He was one of the first users of 'marriage is aging Peter.'

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Since it's thematically appropriate, if anyone else is thinking of doing a Storytime of Pain, here's some guidelines:
>format the subject as "Storytime of Pain: *comic name*" for ease of searching
>link to other storytimes of pain in the second or so post so people that are following along can make sure they didn't miss any (optional, but appreciated)
>only storytime the absolute fucking worst comics imaginable, just being "bad/boring" doesn't make it SoP worthy, nor does "it doesn't fit with my political views"; this is for stuff that's physically painful to read
>don't SoP a comic just to throw shade at it or its fans (for example, don't storytime, say, King's Batman just because you personally don't like it or want to troll Kingfags)
Other than that, go nuts and let's all revel in some truly fucking awful comics.

>>94014169
>Write in arcs
This is not always good advice (cough cough Bendis), and it doesn't seem like a good way to attract new readers to me.

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And that's it for the first SWoP storytime. I'm going to take a short break to get properly liquored up for what is to follow (I recommend you all do the same), but stay tuned for more.

In the meantime, check out another anon's storytime of The Unfunnies. Part 2 of the Unholy Trinity:
>>94013505

>>94013673
>Humans are in fact the only ones capable of feeling bad about it.
That isn't completely true. We know animals can mourn and studies on rats show they will save a fellow rat over getting a treat. So to some degree they do care about each other and understand death. Though I don't think we'd be allowed to do test on having animals fight between themselves then see how they feel.

>>94014311
Depends. Bendis' USM did originally attracted new readers. It really depends on how you do it. First arc of the USM was long, sure, but it showed us the great insight into Peter's life in the first issue.
Also, cliffhangers can be great way to keep people coming back.

>>94014341
Rats will eat their own young.

>>94014377
USM attracted readers because The Ultimate Universe was a fresh start from the 616 universe and because it was fucking Spider-Man

>>94014302
>>94014316
Thanks anon

>>94014387
Humans cannibalism isn't unheard of either. Wasn't saying rats are some perfectly moral species or something, just that humans aren't the only species to have some understanding of death and a dislike/fear etc of it.

>>94014179
>a Nick Fury MAX comic caused George Clooney to walk away from a Nick Fury movie?
To think that in an alternate timeline where Jemas didn't let Garth Ennis do whatever he wanted, they never got Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury.

>>94011932
Why would you assume that a guy with a Marvel shirt knows Joe Quesada? Why would anyone even care about Quesada?

>>94012161
Why did Jemas hate Peter David so much?

>>94012173
>Are you the guy from Taxi?
Which guy from taxi?

>>94012243
Are you the guy from Barney Miller
Which guy from Barney Miller?

These references are dated and unfunny.

>>94014661
Probably because David has talent.

>>94014661
Well, there's that.
>My favorite columnist and yours, Marvel President Bill Jemas recently entered the ongoing Peter David/Joe Quesada debate on what to do about the series, Captain Marvel. About a month ago, it looked like Captain Marvel, along with Black Panther and Spider-Girl, was getting canceled. Responding to fan support and a suggestion made by a fan in Bill's 'Don't Ask' Column, Marvel decided to increase the price of the books by 25 cents. While the Spider-Girl and Black Panther camps were relatively quiet about the decision, Peter David publicly criticized Marvel's decision to raise the price of the book. An online debate between David and Marvel Editor in Chief Joe Quesada ensued, holding the interest of comic book fans for several weeks until it was ultimately decided that none of the books would get an increase in price and they would still be spared from cancellation, at least for another year.

But Quesada actually sided with David, for some reason.

>>94014816
Also, apparently Joe cheated and submited Zimmerman's Ultimate Adventure as his entry.

>>94012256
Kind of funny how back in the day people thought that AOL would be big.

Why do I subject myself to this every single year?

>>94015015
By being exposed to the worst of the worst, we appreciate other comics more.

>>94012225
Is it weird if this Rush Limbaugh comic makes me wish for an Alex Jones comic in the same vein?

>>94013902
The pinup covers face are all so terrified of something. As if they were posing at gun point

>>94013185
For a moment, I thought Wolvie was going to fuck an animal.

>>94011894
>stock
yay! WE'RE RIGH, RIGHT?

Everytime I get about halfway through the first issue, and then my brain gives me a migraine to make me stop. I understand this is horrible, but I'll never know the full horror.

>>94011919
Wow so many very, very dated references.

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>>94011836
Bump because there's a disturbing number of /co/mrades who haven't read it and when I describe it on here there's always someone who reacts in disbelief

>>94011991
uh...here have this money i just found as a reward. Is there any logic to this story? Is this even supposed to be a riff on cops or anything? Or just stupid?

I haven't done storytimes of pain before (except Trouble..)

>>94012025
well...he IS right about Ticketmaster. They charge a fee on your convenience fee.

>>94016450
To be honest, I read it multiple times and I still react in disbelief when people describe it.

>>94012493
would you have faith in this?

>>94016457
If you think that's illogical then you are not ready for what follows.

>>94012105
The president of Marvel wrote this, the president of a company wrote and thought it would be a good idea to publish this.

>>94016638
Said President didn't keep his job for very long after that. And nobody at Marvel missed him. You rarely hear good things about Jemas.

>>94016561
how does that work?

Is someone like "The writer describes his personal system of belief which involves Wolverine being a caveman and God being essentially a troll" and you're like "...nah man that couldn't have happened in that shit" and then you reread it and you're like 'well shit it did happen'

>>94016738
Honestly, for me it's mostly Spike Lee 'twist'.

>>94012225
I don't get this whole superhero scene AT ALL.

Is there a DC equivalent to Marville?

>>94016782
The Spike Lee "twist" is just a bad joke, it's not that ridiculous.

>>94017295
There's really nothing quite like Marville.

>>94016450
I still don't know what the fuck I read. I can't read in disbelief because I still can't see what was conveyed. if anything was, that is
Or maybe it's just this>>94016738
>>94016638
That would actually explain how it got to print

>>94012440
>>94012427
What the fuck?
Did they suddenly forget this was supposed to be a comic book?

What the actual fuck was that. Like it started off fucking stupid, but at least it seemed to be trying to be more or a joke, but then it suddenly started taking itself really fucking seriously with all that origin of life and world peace bullshit.

Goddamn, it actually reminded me a lot of Sonichu in a lot of ways. The clunky storytelling that randomly stops to reference something only the author cares about, the awful references and jokes that the author clearly thinks are super witty, the retarded beliefs that get shoved in and backed by a fundamental misunderstanding of science and facts.

>>94012317
okay I chuckled

>>94012737
OH god the raptors are traced toys lol

>>94013879
>Son, if it were up to me, I'd publish your book
Why? Why would anyone in their right mind think that this is worth publishing?

Does the artist work for wikihow now?

>>94022110
Which artist?

>>94014316
I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly as fuck wasn't that.
This comic went from "not that bad" comedy with a lot of references to people on the industry, then took a fucking weird turn in albuquerque and took everyone in a time machine with god who clumsily explained evolution with a grasp on the subject that a creationist biblethumper could identify as not quite what evolution is about.
AND THEN it fucking forgoes being a comic and becomes a 20 page editorial note, on top of all the other weird choices this comic already made, including turning into a picture book in one chapter out of nowhere.
WHAT A FUCKING RIDE and it's only been the first stop this year, holy shit.

confusing and scary bump

>>94011909
Are you fucking kidding me? This came out before Red Son....When Morrison suggested that twist to Millar was he fucking joking or what?

>>94011836
This has been an absolutely horrible waste of my time. Thank you anon.

>>94012699
come on....it's all worth it for that one page I'm sterile

What the fuck?