ask an undertaker

>>19476682
weirdest/scariest situation you've been in or seen

Ever see Biffrons or Bune?

>>19476682

Into necrophilia?

How did you get your job?

>>19476682
Have you ever seen someone doing a ritual in the graveyard?

What's a typical day's work like?

>>19476695
Had to squeegee out liquified remains from a crypt once. Had to crawl into the wall in full hazmat gear, sans rebreather. Just a dust mask.

>>19476705
Nope, but I bet Bifrons would be a bro with me.

>>19476706
Nope. I've seen a lot of corpses. They're all gross.

>>19476716
I've worked with hazmat shit and heavy machinery. And I had a friend with a brother who works for my current employer.

>>19476682
have you caught any cultists or goth kids hanging out there?

>>19476729
Once. I asked what he was doing, and he gave me a smoke and told me he was doing some pagan thing. He was over a pagan marker, so I just let him do his thing. I always tell people they can do whatever, just don't fuck up my grass and to clean up when they're done.

>>19476733
Eh, I mow a lot. Clean out crypts, dig graves, put people in holes, fuck around on my phone on fridays, watch people have funeral services. Sometimes I get to burn people. It's usually pretty chill.

>>19476746
I'm in a pretty rich area. A place where a lot of people have vacation homes and stuff. My biggest problem is kids playing Pokemon Go. Like goddamn, I'm trying to work. I can't have 200 dumbasses walking around potentially falling into holes or breaking shit. Goth kids don't bother me none. They're quiet and stay out of my way. No "cultist groups" although the company has a policy on how to deal with them.

Did you have to go to school for your job?

Do you wear make up?

Whats your skin care regimin like?

Any alternative use for embalming fluids?

>>19476767
What's the policy?

Hey op, have you ever met any strange people by the tombs during your shift? And it seemed like they shouldn't be there?

>>19476768
No school. A trained monkey could do the job. If it had the mental stamina and a strong enough stomach.

Not at work, but I do outside of work sometimes.

Pure glycerin. It works on everything. Tattoo lotion, helps with sunburns, can fix diabetics temporarily, diluted it can help with split ends.

I'm an undertaker, not an embalmer. I put people in holes. Embalmers have to go to school and get more money, but it's a harder job I guess.

>>19476682
What's the thing that bothers you the most about your job?

>>19476775
Do research to figure out if it is in fact a cult and not just vandalism/a regular pagan/hmong ritual. Then report it to the police as "cult activity." I don't care so long as they clean up. Other people are more strict.

>>19476783
Strange people, yes. Had a lady sunbathing on a grave. Had some dude come in and ask me like 3000 questions about corpses and how I care for them once. Also, cops get called a lot ON me. I look suspicious I guess. Like some nigga broke in to my shop and decided to mow my grass. I'd love that.

>>19476753
what do you mean you "clean out crypts"?

>>19476796
Sometimes when it's cold, corpses sit up in the crematorium. So you go to check a burn and there's some melty dude staring you dead in the face. It's why they make them tall enough for a person to sit up in. Also, grieving families can be cunty about giving adequate notice for burials. And having to exhume/unintern people is gross and a bitch. It's not as spooky as I think it should be either. But I love it. It's great work, decent pay, and I get to be outside.

>>19476799
Thats fucking amazing, i hope you dont get hurt though.

>>19476682
whats your pay?
and also, ever caught anyone desecrating a grave?
and how cool is it to have the title of UNDERTAKER?
when people leave stuff in the graves like cigarettes and beer, do you take em?

>>19476816
why do they sit up?

>>19476811
So, some crypts are "true companion crypts." Meaning they're 2 caskets deep. It's a pain cleaning a single deep one out. Gotta crawl in with a broom and sweep out spoders and shit. 2 deep is real awesome. Sometimes a guy has been in there for 20 years before his wife gets put in. Someone's gotta clean out the juices and stuff before the family comes for the service.

>>19476682
I've heard stories about people having sex in graveyards. Have you ever seen people doing it there where you work?

>>19476830
Do you clean all crypts regardless of their age?
Like if you had a crypt that was a hundred years old, is there still any point in cleaning it regularly?

whats your epitaph gonna be

>>19476830
how is this ok?

>>19476817
Pagans and hmongs are weird, but real polite. Most weirdos are polite. Catholics are cunts. I'm more worried about them than I am spoops. Also, no one likes a gravedigger. Consequently no one fucks with a gravedigger. Death is my buisness partner.

>>19476823
15/hr starting as super of a cemetary. Never desecrating. Awesome. Every time I go on a date or meet a new person I get to tell them and it freaks them out. I leave them sit for a week then move them into my shop. If no one comes to claim stuff after 2 weeks in my shop, it's mine. That's my policy at least.

>>19476828
Something about tendons reacting to heat. Their arms actually stick straight up first. Then they sit up. So their hands are like inches away from the peephole when you look in. Dammit Anon, I'm an undertaker, not a doctor.

>>19476842
Nope. I've seen sunbathing in a bikini though. It's mostly people just sitting near graves. They probably fuck after I leave.

Did you ever have an experience that scared you/fucked you up?

>>19476851
Oh, I only clean them if someone's going in. They get sealed up after that. Only reason they'd be opened is for a disinternment or someone wanting to move them to a different cemetary.

>>19476854
"Thug motherfucks don't die, we get high we multiply. Motherfucker."

>>19476863
I dunno. It's legal. Some weirdos want to see inside before putting the second body in. Some people will watch you caulk the crypt shut too. Like you're gonna look at grandma's decaying casket, smell her half liquified body, put grandpa in, then watch me seal it for 30-45 minutes. Weirdos. Do what you want, I just wouldn't want that to be my last memory of someone.

whats the worst accident youve witnessed
like a funeral gone wrong, a fire, anything

>>19476883
First time I checked a burn was pretty fucked up. Also, a pall bearer dropped his part of a casket once, and the body fell out. It was supposed to be a closed casket for a reason. 7 seperate sections of lady fell out. I had to help reassemble her while the family cried.

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>>19476892
"Thug motherfucks don't die, we get high we multiply. Motherfucker."
Fuckin A Epitaph

>>19476897
A guy put gas in a diesel engine once. Put my backhoe out of comission for a week or so. Also >>19476901

>>19476902
I ride for my niggas and die for my niggas.

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>>19476874
You're my holloween inapiration

>>19476901
that's horrible!

What the fuck

I did not upload that generic batman how the hell did it get on my post

do you believe in ghosts?

>>19476923
Bruh, I live halloween. I was inside a crypt during an 80% solar eclipse. Just a day in the life of me. If anything happens, I've got chainsaws, sickles, axes, and a backhoe. Come at me demons/zombies/blood moon cultists. Real talk, great undertaker outfit is a generic aramark uniform, a cigarette, long hair, and a sickle. If you've got tattoos it only makes it more realistic. Make sure to limp. Boom, creep cryptkeeper achieved.

>>19476924
Yeah, shit happens though.

>>19476929
I think that exact thought on a daily basis.

>>19476938
Moot.

>>19476941
Yeah, I just don't think they'd hang around a graveyard. Like they're a ghost for a reason. And it's not to stare at their grave. Just my opinion though.

>>19476955
Im speachless

can you tell us about exhumations?

>>19476966
About what? How shit happens, or that shit happens? Believe you me, when something gets fucked up that bad, there's a LOT of paperwork and police involvement.

>>19476977
I technically don't exhume, I disintern. I don't open the casket. I just pull it out or up. If it's a crypt, it's not so bad. An assload of paperwork is involved, but all I have to do is unseal the crypt and pull out the casket if it's intact enough to pull out. Burials are different. I've gotta pull up tje sod, carefully use the backhoe to dig to the vault. Then I break the vault seal, remove the lid, and try and use the lowering device to raise the casket back up. It's a lot harder to go up then down. Then the original funeral director has to open the casket, check shit, whatever they do. ALL while police and the family stand around watching/judging me.

>>19476994
Honestly im just speechless, didnt expect it to be exactly how everyone says it is, but oh boy, it is.

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Just gonna say, this has gotten a lot more attention than I thought.

>>19476994
why would they judge?

>>19477000
>checked
Do people really talk about how bizarre undertaking is? Hell, most people won't talk to us just because of our job. It takes a special kind of person to be a gravedigger. You have to equal parts care and be understanding, and give zero fucks at all.

>>19477014
Usually if they're being disinterned, it's because the family thinks you fucked up somehow. Put the wrong person in the grave, put the right person in the wrong grave, didn't put the body in the grave at all, etc.

>>19477018
what do you do with really really fat people? What are the problems?

>>19477030
Oh ho, this'll be fun. So, they usually can't be cremated. There's a reason they call it the human candle. Most places won't do people over 300 lbs. If they want a crypt, to bad. You won't fit if you're too big. Very specific dimensions, we've gotta know casket dimensions before any internments, so we know they fit. Ground burials are a pain. Oversized casket in an oversized vault. They USUALLY fit in one space. If they don't, they'd better hope they own the next plot too.

I'm having fun with this. So I know a guy in another cemetary. They have a crematorium. I don't. He has a drawer full of glass eyes. They can't legally get rid of them. And if people don't come to take/dispose of them, they have to be on the property forever. Because it's part of the person. Glass can't be cremated. Glass eyes have the same rule that jewelry buried with bodies has. Kinda. There's probably 100 eyes in a locked drawer there.

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Shameless self-bump. C'mon guys, I'm bored and drunk.

>>19477094
How did you first get into it?
Do you have to know a guy that knows a guy or what?

>>19477114
I accidentally knew a guy who knew a guy. I made a joke that I'd dig holes and refill them all day if I was getting paid. Then he said "Hey, I know a guy that needs a worker." And that's how I found my career. Honestly, if you went into a main office of a cemetary (providing there is one) you could probably fill out an application and talk to the super that day. Hell, a guy I used to work for would ask homeless dudes with "Will work 4 food" signs if they wanted a job. So long as you can pass a background check, you're fine if you wanna dig graves. It's hard work though.

>>19477015
Well that is most people today isnt it? And its just rumors ive heard throughout my life, for whatever reason i remembered it

>>19477139
Ah, so I take it people aren't exactly clamoring to be gravediggers?

>>19477157
Huh. Most people just pretend like we don't exist until someone they know dies. Just didn't think there were that detailed if rumors.

>>19477160
HAH! No, not really. It pays real ok, and there's a fair amount of time to chill. Usually an hour is just spent smoking cigarettes during a day. Unless you're real busy. There's neat perks. After enough time you get a free plot. Great insurance. I have flexible-ish hours because of my position. Plus it's not real stressful and you don't take work home with you.

>>19477197
_ _
\_(╯▽╰)_/

>>19477209
u fokin wot m8?

Great thread, thanks for sharing. So, how do you dig a grave? Are there standards and rules to follow? What some common shit you need to deal with on the job?

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>>19477054


That's incredible and fucked up. I love it.


What's your religious/spiritual background? You seem literate in the usual /x/ stuff but I'm curious as to what gives you purpose, besides the fact that you enjoy the job.

Any issues with grave robbing?

do cadavers make sounds?

do you deal with john and jane does?

were any of the bodies people you knew?

>>19477264
1. Do paperwork.
2. Do paperwork.
3. Family looks at plot
4. cut off sod
5a. If cremation burial, dig a hole big enough to fit the urn in a vault with 18 inches of dirt above it. Nada mas.
5b. If traditional ground burial, gey out backhoe and go to town.
6. square off grave all nice and neat, and make sure it's the right dimensions.
Hella standards and rules. It's an exact science of unspecificity. I deal with a lot of dumbasses leaving shit on the ground for me to trip on or bust mower blades on.

>>19477266
My grandma taught me what is essentially proto-hoodou after she unconverted from Jehova's Witness. I have a mix of hoodou, JW, Catholic, and Baptist backround. Then my parents sent me to a Lutheran school. I was all kinds of confused as a child. What gives me purpose is getting enough money to live as a white trash princess. I'm a simple man.

>>19477269
Not in my cemetary. Also, unless you have industrial equipment you're not robbing a grave from the past 50 years. 6 feet of dirt needs to be dug up to get to the 3000 lbs vault. You have to somehow crack that open, remove the 800 lbs lid, and then open the casket to maybe find something.

>>19477281
I've heard from funeral directors and embalmers that they do. I'm an undertaker. I put niggas in the ground. I don't prep them. Sometimes I burn them though.

>>19477286
Deal with? No. Bury? I haven't personally. It's kinda expensive for the county to have a burial in a privately owned cemetary.

>>19477293
As of now, no. That may change in the future.

what was the weirdest bereaved person you dealt with?

>>19477324
A guy comes out every day and stands silently at his wife's niche. Apparently for over 7 years. Every day. Also had a lady who was happy her mom died and that was pretty weird. Honestly, most are weird. People do weird shit when there's death involved.

>>19477299
Are the vaults to keep people out, or the bodies in? Be honest now

>>19477367
They're to keep the ground from falling in on itself. Wood rots pretty fast. Concrete doesn't so much. I dunno if you've ever been walking along and wound up thigh deep in a grave. It's pretty unpleasent.

How could you let them break the streak?

You mention paperwork a lot. Do you work at a veterans cemetary?

How long does it take you to dig a grave?

What tools do you use?

Has any one asked for the giblets or anything like that, or the brain?

Do you get a discount on burial plans, or are there any perks?

Do you work for a corporation?

What's the saddest thing you ever saw in the grave?

>>19477425
Not specifically vets. But there are some. There's just an assload of legal shit to do things.

Takes between 30 minutes and like 2 hours with the right equipment.

Shovels. Backhoe. Sod cutter. It's a hole, not quantum fucking physics. Remove dirt, boom. Hole.

Jesus fuck people. I'm an undertaker. Not an embalmer, coroner, or funeral director. I don't open caskets because it's a legal liability for me. No one asks for brains or giblets from me. 1. There's none left. 2. I ain't fishing a niggas brains out his head.

Yes, and yes. I have described things earlier in this thread.

And yes, it is a corporation.

>>19477432
IN the grave? Usually I don't see much except dirt and sky when I'm in a grave. Things are in a variety of containers by the time they're in a grave anyways. By that point there's nothing really to see.

What's the edgiest question someone ever asked you irl?

what video games do you play

>>19477473
Had a guy ask if I ever fucked a corpse. He was drunk though.

>>19477491
I've put more hours into Binding of Isaac than I think I've put in at work. And I haven't played in over a year. I play a lot of SMT games. Digital Devil Saga needs a remake. I also play a lot of pokemon. Recently picked up Harvest Moon too.

>>19476682
What do you do when the ground is frozen, or do you live in not so extreme climate?

>>19477041
I was going to ask you about this. I read of a crematorium catching fire due to a person's extreme body fat percentage.

How do you guys handle the family if their deceased can't be cremated like they wanted?

Ever heard a corpse scream? I've heard it can be a thing when they sit up during cremation because gasses are expelled when they sit up. If so, what does it sound like?

Ever seen a ghoul?

>>19477347

That makes me fucking sad. Poor dude.

And I'll be pumped as fuck when my mom and dad die. Was abused for most of my life.

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>>19476682
Alright, this is some luck!

I've been looking for info on how to get a job at a morgue or crematorium.

Mostly because I'm fascinated by the macabre and dead bodies and luckily don't have the sense of smell.. (I know that sound weird when I say it but I'm not some necrophiliac freak so no worries there.)

It would mean a lot to me if you could tell me what type of credentials or education I would need for the various types of jobs there.

And some advice on how to get into the business. (What kind of experience are employers looking for there. Advice on how to get in if you have none. For instance, similiar jobs with transferable skills?

Unfortunately I have no experience or education for this...at the moment at least... But I'm in the position where I can pursue anything.


So yeah, not many people discuss this online. So it'd be a great help if you'd take some time to andswer my questions. Thanks!

>(It's also a good way to test if you're actualy an undertaker or a larper)

Oh and I've also wondered if you guys happened to have night shifts?

Or is everything done at daylight?

>>19478358
You want to skulk around at night with dead bodies kek.

>>19478417
Eh, obviously The grave digging is done at day along with most of the stuff. I wonder if paperwork is done at night, or any other shit gets done at night. I imagine for cremation it doesnt matter what time it is?

I highly doubt there's an actual night shift. But still wanted to check though....

>>19476746
You gonna die in comming 3 days

>>19478448
Wrong, and if this post is doubles you actually catch aids.

OP created another Undertaker just now. Apparently multiple today. Live a block from a cemetery and never even thought about this. Fucking cool. I love being outdoors, and I have tattoos, low ambition, long ass hair, and smoke cigarettes!! Unnnff~ Thanks senpai, seriously going for it. Wish me (or I guess us lol) luck. Woo!

Oh! Do you get random drug tests or just an initial, or is it like factory stuff where it's only if you get hurt for insurance purposes? Would be pretty great to just take painkillers and chill while I build sunken bags under my eyes to horrify young children from a distance. God I need this job.

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Steve Buscemi should've been an Undertaker.... He was born for it..

>>19476682
Is it true that caskets cave in when they are buried?

>>19477266
>Anton LA(OY)VEY

>>19477802
Charcoal and diesel fuel with a grill lid over the grave.

>>19477853
I don't have a crematorium at the one I run. I just say fuck 'em and let the funeral directors deal with it.

>>19477861
Nah, I've heard them creak though.

>>19478035
Fair enough, lol.

>>19477944
Not that I'm aware of.

>>19478134
Morgue and crematorium isn't my thing. I am an undertaker. I take them under. I only occasionally burn people at a sister cemetary. Seriously, if you wanna play with dead bodies, either look into embalming school, or talk to a funeral director or something. Or apply at a cemetary with a crematorium. No skills needed at a cemetary. Just a strong back, lead stomach, and zero fucks to give.

>>19478358
Not usually. Halloween I stay around all night to freak kids out. I'm rarely there past 4pm.

>>19478675
Good luck friendo. Where are you located? Just wondering if you'd be near enough to bro out with.

>>19478703
My company doesn't piss test so long as you don't hurt yourself.

>>19479132
Yes, thus why we put them in concrete vaults.

>>19476682
How about embalming fluid? Is it really a PCP analog? Had a friend years ago who had a few gallons on that assumption. Never found out what happened there.

>>19478134
>>19479565
Oh, and to get more specific on skills they look for in a gravedigger... They like if you have forklift experience. You can't be afraid of heights or small spaces. Any sort of outdoor work looks good. And any job where you managed your own time is a good sell for them. Really though, it's a job no one wants. Just put in an application.

>>19479578
No idea. All I know is after embalming theu have to plug up every hole on the body so it doesn't leak out and shit. And it causes the body to liquify. So I can'y imagine it's great if it melts people slowly over the years.

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>>19479594
No questions here, but cool ass thread OP

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>>19479688
I try friendo. Just thought it'f be up /x/'s alley. Turns out, I was right for once.

>>19479726
You do god's work anon. God's work..

>>19479726
Yeah, I agree it's a great thread. Are there any interesting superstitions in the business, or are most undertakers skeptics? I ask because I sort of knew an undertaker as a kid and that guy was superstitious as fuck, but that was in Eastern Europe so it may be way different for you.

>>19476682
How do I find out where a specific person is in a cemetery. I know what cemetery but not exactly where in it.

>>19481058
Trial and error

This is really interesting. I've never heard anything about cemetery work before. I want to try it out at some point now.

>>19476682
what kind of qualifications does that job require? i wouldnt mind the labor and it seems like a simple job. if not almost fun because its so chill.

Anything paranormal or spoopy happen at your job?

>>19476682
do you drink at work?

ever got a hardon and needed to adjust your erection in front of a grieving family?

>>19476682
Are you strapped?
I mean that as in possessing a gun on your person

>>19482595
>on your person

Geez man, you make it sound like he owns a slave.

D-does he?

do you own a sexy ghoul slavegirl OP?>>19476682

>>19482583
Topkek

>>19479843
Nono, I clean up his messes.

>>19480012
Not really. At least I've never met a real easily spooped gravedigger. I do say a Klingon warrior prayer over vets graves though.

>>19481058
Ask someone in the cemetary. Preferably a live person. If there's an office on site, they'll have a book. Might have one in the maintenance shop too.

>>19481212
Follow your nightmares.

>>19481226
Basically none. A strong stomach helps. Especially when you're crawling in a crypt.

>>19482583
I haven't drank on this job. I probably could, but I prefer to drink at home. Shitty wifi in my shop.

>>19482583
I stay away from families if at all possible. I try to wait for them to leave to do my work. They're last memory of mom shouldn't be some sweaty asshole dumping dirt on her.

>>19482595
Not allowed to at work. It stays in my car. I've got a nail gun and chainsaw at my desk though.

>>19482604
Nah, I try and let the dead be dead, y'know. Figure if they wanna not be dead, they'd rather not hang around a guy who essentially works alongside Azrael anyways.

>>19481247
Not really. I have a strict "No spoops" policy on my yard. Also a strict no parking on the grass policy. One of these days I imagine I'll get a frighten. The non-paranormal is more spoopy anyways.

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>>19476682
great thread. How often do you do a run-of-the-mill ground burial? Like, how much of your time is spent doing burials vs. general upkeep of the grounds?

>>19483463
I run a small cemetary. I'm the only full-time undertaker. So I USUALLY only do one or 2 full-sized traditional, in-ground burials a month. This month was 5. I do a lot of cremation burials and niches. I mow about 10-12 hours a week spring-fall. Prepping for and doing burials and entombments usually takes around another 2-15 hours depending on how many. The rest of the time is taken up with work orders, general maintenance crap, that sort of thing. Like I may have 3 full sized burials, 2 cremation burials, an entombment and a cremation niche in one week. Or I might have nothing. Just depends.

>>19476682
How big is your dick?

WWE SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPEEEEEEEEER SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

>>19483896
I dunno, 4 inches-ish. I don't really measure it.

>>19484145
>plot twist reveals that I am actually Stone Cold Steve Austin larping as Undertaker

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So did anyone apply at any cemetaries yet?

Well I suppose this thread is dead. I'll dig this one a special grave.

>>19477299
Hey another Hoodoo guy here! heyo!

>>19477139
do you think they'd hire a foreigner who speaks 3 languages

yeah, I'm that desperate to leave the shithole I live in

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>>19485394
I'm looking online at the moment friendo but can't find any offers. Knowing my area i'll have to leave the neet cave and ask if they're hiring. If op is around still I'd love some advice for a socially awkward person like myself. Like who I would talk to so I won't end up talking to some guy grieving over someone. I'm that autistic.

have you ever felt awkward about telling people your job?

thoughts on this?


http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/decaying-foot-horrifies-grieving-family-bury-grandfather-article-1.3401379

>>19486270
Oi cunt, sup?

>>19486469
I don't see why they wouldn't. Just have a visa or something.

>>19486473
Yeah, like I said. Go in and fill out an application. Gravediggers usually don't have to talk to grieving families. Hell, some days I don't even talk to anyone for 8 hours. Just mumble and nod if they start being feel-y. Just tell them you want to be a groundsman, or a gravedigger, not a sales person.

>>19486539
Nah, I love it.

>>19486541
That's gotta be fake. From 1969 to now, the corpse wouldn't have meat like that on it. Buried bodies aren't even embalmed. And at that deep we use sand as fill anyways, so if it was close enough to the next plot over for a leg to stick out... Let's just say they'd have a few collapsed graves and a potential sinkhole on their hands. Calling bullshit.

True story, I applied at several cemeteries after reading this thread, OP. Thanks for not being a faggot today. Oklahoma area in case you're wondering.

>>19487136
My company has cemetaries there. What company you apply at? Or just single non-corporate places?

>>19487167
I believe they're non corporate. But some of them are cemetery/funeral homes as well. I just googled local ones and emailed the supervisor directly from the website and gave them a brief summary and let them know I have a resume ready if needed.

>>19487184
Ah, well some non-corporate ones are still managed by corporations. Or *insert state here* Cemetary Association. Or like the Archdioses or other religious groups. Either way, it's a pretty damn chill job. Private and corporate each come with their own pros and cons. Just know that some funeral directors can be assholes. It's about 50/50 if they like undertakers or not.

>>19476682
Is gay okay?

>>19487493
I prefer gay personally. Get me some cute, chubby twink with a big cock and I'm set.