Weird Copy of Resident Evil

Wow, great story.

Let’s get the basics down. I was a 24 year old college student who studied in toronto. I had a shit-paying secretary job and no semblance of a social life, so playing video games was the only real way to entertain myself on the weekends. There was no way for me to afford new games and consoles without going bankrupt, so I did a fair bit of garage sale trawling. In the last few years i’d built up quite the console collection. Saturn, Dreamcast, Gamecube, N64, you name it - I had it. After a while I realised that reselling games I found actually raked in more cash than being a secretary. Quit that job, started trawling full time. Survived a few years like that. I’m through uni now, but it turns out that my degree was worthless - the amount of jobs in education are dwindling quickly. So I still go out looking games. Well- up until a few days ago. I was doing my usual route when I passed by a garage sale that hadn’t been listed as happening. The driveway was completely empty, except for a pale old man who was standing in the driveway without his pants on. As I pulled by, he made eye contact with me and gestured vigorously at his exposed lower half. I kept driving. The day went on with nothing weird happening. I picked up quite the haul, getting more than seven copies of World Poker Stars 2001 and Club Penguin Game Day each. I was driving home when I saw the naked gentleman again. I was going to keep driving, but then I noticed something. He was waving a gamecube game over his head. “Shit on my dick and call me a leopard” I said, pulling my car violently over, crashing through his front yard.

I got out of the car and vomited on the ground. “How much for your computer game?” I said slurring my words. “I don’t know how much I can sell this to you for” he said, pausing for effect “it was my grandson Sven’s game before he drowned in a bathtub accident” I threw a crumpled ten dollar bill at his feet and grabbed the game. “See you later, old-timer” I shouted as I reversed my car out of his yard into his RV and then took off. I was speeding down the highway when I realized I didn’t even know what game this was. I opened the case and saw one of those blank discs developers use. It was a gamecube mini disc and it had the words “Resident Evil: Barry” written on it. “Sick” I whispered to myself “It must be an expensive demo disc”. I raced home, and when I got there I didn’t even remember to lock my car. I bolted up the stairs to my apartment and put the game in my XBOX. The intro started up exactly how it always does, with the S.T.A.R.S. team being attacked by zombies. When i got to the main menu, I instinctively pressed “continue game” to my surprise, there was one save file - and it said “SVEN”. I thought about it for a few seconds mulling over the possibilities. Upon coming to a logical and tasteful conclusion, I deleted the “SVEN” file and created a new file called “‘SVEN sucks donkey cock”. Then I clicked the begin new game button. Y’know how Resident Evil always starts with a question asking you about how you play and stuff? Well the demo build must be different because instead of asking me about hiking or some gay shit it asked me whether or not I knew what it was like to drown.

I clicked “yes” because this dick be drowning in penis I mean pussy. The words “Enter the Survival, whore” appeared on my screen in comic sans. “Weird”, I said aloud to myself. “Must be one of those pre-alpha glitches”. The intro played again, but this time it was different. Instead of the zombie attack, the donkey kong rap from DK64 started to play. Everything was normal about it except the Kong’s eyes were static and every time they said “DK, Donkey Kong is HERE” a picture of a smiling dog would flash on the screen. I didn’t know what to do so I skipped the intro, which triggered the screen to flash the words “poor choice” in comic sans. The game sent me to the character select screen, which is a little unusual seeing as how usually you can’t skip the intro. The thing that really got me wiggy - other than the smell of burnt plastic coming from my XBOX - was that instead of there being 2 playable characters there were 3 - Jill, Chris, and Barry. I had no idea Barry was playable at all, so I clicked on him and started playing. The game told me to plug in my Gamecube microphones and Joycons as I prepared for the first level in the Barry campaign - handing Jill Valentine the lock pick and telling her men didn’t need to use tools to open doors so she’d be better off with it. The game actually handled the voice recognition pretty well, and I was surprised to find the XBOX was forward compatible with the Nintendo Switch’s joycons, but that’s when the whole system bugged out and turned off. Now when i try to boot up my xbox, the word SVEN.exe flashed on my TV screen and then my whole apartment building’s power goes out.

I looked at the clock and realised that if I wanted to do something about this I’d have to do it tomorrow as it was 8 o'clock and well past my bedtime. The next day I went outside and discovered that someone had stolen my car, for which I blame this “SVEN” individual. Angry and looking for answers, I walked back back to the old man’s house and knocked on the door. A woman holding her kid answered the door, and I roughly shoved her and marched into the building, demanding to see the old man. She shook her head back and forth, shouting at me in some nonsensical peasant language “Il š'appelle mea culpa et il vous hante pour toujours!”. I don’t speak Italian, so I told her to shut it. I started opening doors, but the first door I opened up showed me a room filled with blackened skeletons. I got the hell out of there while the lady kept crying “Mea Culpa” or some shit. I got out of there and as I strolled away I threw the still steaming XBOX at here window. Thing was broken anyways, so who cares. So here I am, no car, no xbox, and certainly no answers. Worst $10 i ever spent, fuck you Gamestop.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMFrqIGhpig

true story btw

>>19217767
Continue, op.

>>19217737
dont quit your day job

Kek, some of this was pretty funny.

Thanks OP this gave me and the gf a laugh

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kek, thanks for the laugh op

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Dis crepe paste gav mi niet mare

>WALL OF TEXT

I wrote the story in about 35 minutes, glad to hear I made some people laugh.

>>19217737
*teleprots behidn u* heh heh...i'll show u weird, bub...*unsheaths buttons from tuff lumberjack shirt slowly*

>
>"unsheaths buttons"
> unsheaths
God i love this internet