Ummm so.. my ex I guess has a stupendously fucked up past and

>>18981968
What do you want?

So, you're a fag OP?

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>>18981968
Just hold out a bit longer. Everyone who is sensitive to what is on the other side of the veil, is experiencing similar feelings late.

It is always darkest before dawn, anon

Many of the most valuable lessons this world has to offer are gained through endurance. Persist in your efforts to discover meaning. No matter what you do, your time in this life is limited. Gain as much as you can from this life. You will find yourself back in this world in physical form and most of the issues you had will remain. Otherwise you may find yourself stuck with a longer than usual holdover between lives. If you think this phase of matter is difficult to come to terms with then you probably won't do much better in any of the other forms. I'm not guessing.. but do whatever you feel is right for you, the consequences are not as dire as some would have you believe. Make sure you are done and can let go, if that's the path that seems right.. it is a permanent resolution to this life ..but it has little bearing on your persistent experiencing of your own consciousness.

You may well be under attack. You can consider it a opportunity to discover the nature of whatever entities are involved.. you are probably not a specific target of its sentiment.. There are so many things to learn that most people never ever notice.

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>>18983242

>>18982797
Well when I was very little my first memories are basically thoughts such as

>Where the fuck am I?
>What the fuck am I doing here?
>How is this all possible?
>Why is everything the way it is?

This is when I was 4 or 5 and I'd lay in bed having been sent long before I was tired enough to sleep and these thoughts would race through my head.. including "what is time" "what is space".. I would hurt my little brain trying to fathom how there could be no beginning or end to time.. that it just is.

>If I go halfway to the other side of the room
>then halfway again
>and again
>I would always travel towards the other side but never actually reach it

These were the things I thought about as a toddler.

I felt like I came here with great purpose.. to help many.. now I feel like I've shirked that purpose and have just become lost. It's incredibly depressing.

>>18981968
Don't suicide OP. There is so much better stuff waiting for you in this life. If you really feel you are lost maybe you just need a hard reset of some sort. Take some time to think about what you really need to be doing in life to be happy, and DO IT! And don't worry about things you want to do that are out of your reach, if they are meant to be in your life they will come eventually. Best of luck OP, I believe in you! You can do anything man!

go seek a therapist. this isn't something an advice can fix. and no therpists dont give advice.

>>18983823
Well right now I am just dwelling on the idea that I've only been shirking my responsibilities my entire life.

I feel like I was supposed to help my ex realize how amazing she is despite her mental flaws.. instead I drove her into thinking she just can't be with anybody.

I am just a selfish neglectful douche.

I'm not nearly as bad as many people I see.. I never physically abused her or anything like that.. but still.. I have high standards for certain things that I have not lived up to and it kills me.

I know it's my choice but I just can't seem to stop doing things that bring immense regret later.

I also did not cheat on her or anything like that.

>>18983865
wtf did you do?

>>18983879
She was incredibly sensitive and there were times I didn't give her comfort when I upset her.. she would ask to do stuff together and I would turn her down all the time so I could be a hermit.. Things like that that I completely regret.

I fought back against her mental issues when she begged me not to. I lost my patience even though I knew better.

Like I said I feel like I was supposed to help her grow and instead I feel like she's worse off mentally than when we met.

Its hard to articulate exactly why I feel so bad because honestly I was there for her a lot and did do a lot for her.. but if you truly love someone you should be able to do anything.. and I didn't.. but I don't feel like it's because I didn't love her enough.

Now I just feel under assault a lot of the time.. I will get severrreee waves of depression.. does not feel like it's naturally occurring inside of me. I've always been depressed but this is oppressive.

>>18983865
Everybody you see walking down the street or at work, or school, or church, or wherever has had the same thoughts as you. "I could have, should have done more, done better." I just spent the night dreaming and thinking about my ex. I only got about five hours of sleep and then had to get up because I counldn't turn my brain off.

Guess what, if you kill yourself you will be "shirking [your] responsibilities...". You will be a "selfish neglectful douche". You will have fulfilled your worst thoughts about yourself.

I've been where you are. I helped screw up my relationship with my ex and several old friends. I drank heavily and got arrested for it. I screwed up lots of opportunities, but I never completely gave up on myself. I still think about everything I did and didn't do. What ifs, buts and should haves.

But then I realize through all the tormenting thoughts that it's not about who I used to be its about who I choose to be from moment to moment. It's about how I choose to leave this world. Do I want to be a pathetic suicide? Hell no. I want to leave this world with my head held high not afraid to look death in the face and say, "I fucked up a lot, but I never quit. I did my best even if it wasn't good enough." And don't get me wrong. It is hard. Harder than pulling the trigger. Waking up day after day, whether you actually fell asleep or not, and forcing yourself out of bed and going out and facing the (seemily) happy world. It sucks and I won't say if it gets better, because I honestly don't know. Some days are okay, some suck bad.

I don't know whether you drink or not, but it really is a depressant. It might make you feel good for the short term, help you forget, but if you do drink and can take a break or find a substitute (I take kratom for depression) you will feel a weight lift off you and see through clearer eyes. Alcohol creates illusions. It just covers up problems that will have to be worked out if you choose to go on living.

>>18983933
And don't listen to these people on here who say it's okay to kill yourself, that it's not that bad. How the hell do they know? Don't trust your eternity to some larper making a guess.

Ppl try to push their "demons" on you.
Heavy drinkers try to get you to drink heavily. Crack heads will try to get you to smoke crack. Junkies will try to get you to do heroin with them. Sad people will try to drag you into their sadness.

Just realize she soaked it all up like a sponge and only she can fix herself if she wants to.

Best way to do this is to become aware and say "I don't agree with this, it's not part of me, and won't be anymore."

Nobody is anyone's property. Let her go run the fields if she wants.
Let go of it.

>>18981968
>louuud
>>18983909
>severrreee

are you having a stroke OP?

>>18983938
I appreciate the words. I don't drink. I smoke weed fairly regularly.

I feel as though I have a good sense of what is going on with reality.. at least in a general sense.. but I've been through some mind bending shit the past few years. And there's always a doubt as to whether I really know anything at all.

I just know I am sick of feeling useless and regretful. I am sick of the extreme waves of depression and agitation.

I don't like many of the things I am having to experience and I know it is mostly if not all my choice.. I just don't know why I would choose this.

>>18984139
It's a form of emphasis I guess.. but did make me chuckle.

Though I definitely have some health issues that should be addressed but I am not seeking help with.

>>18983976
This. Misery loves company.

>>18981968

I'd like to second >>1898286's advice, OP.

Having been through a similar relationship, I can tell you firsthand that they take some time to recover from. They're draining both emotionally and spiritually. When you're at a low point spiritually, you really are more vulnerable to the sort of attack you're describing. I recommend to you what a good friend once recommended to me:

Find an hour out of your day, best if right before sleeping, where you just sit and clear your mind. Close your eyes and visualize your own silhouette like a chalk outline with a small white light glowing at its center. Now imagine that light glowing brighter and brighter until it fills the entire outline and beyond. If you allow thoughts to intrude in this process, only allow yourself to dwell on the positives, because it's positives that you need right now.

Hope this helps, and never forget that /x/ is always here for you.

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>>18984335
best advice so far,
negative energy just builds up, and up until it too late.
from every negative energy there is a base from where it resides weather it be an expierence or thought, you can always feel it out and switch it around...

Meditation is best for pondering issues and or experiences from a perspective that is more from a center of your own being which is better then thinking it about it lively in a polluted mindset.

Also, don't think too hard about it. most of the time its as simple as just existing in this physical life.

JUST TO BE PRESENT WITH YOURSELF

>>18984335
I have tried meditating and I have always suffered relentless itch attacks when I attempt to. I am never so itchy as when I try to meditate.

And I've gotten past that only to have extreme disorienting feelings that cause fearful feelings that retract from the experience.

I haven't had much success.

My ex had asked me to wait for her to be ready.. but she just now told me she was sorry for asking and that I shouldn't..

I am pretty devastated.. again..

I think she may be with the guy she has been staying with since she left.. but I know it would have only been recently.. I don't know if anything has happened in the past several months but I know it wouldn't have been anything serious until recently since she started treating me different and today telling me she was sorry for asking me to wait.

How can I stop hating myself for fighting back? I've always wanted to take pride in my patience but I clearly lost it and I don't know what I can be proud of about myself..

I know pride isn't necessarily a good thing, but I can't think of anything good about myself.. everything positive I can think of I can also think of how I've contradicted that or just let it go to waste.. or ignored it.

I have been a fairly useless sack of shit and I know it.. I'm not even remotely unintelligent.. which is another reason I'm so aware of it.. I just don't know how to stop my thought processes.

They're ingrained.. and like I said when I've tried meditating it's almost like I'm under attack then, as well.

I just don't know.. like I said I always felt like I came here with an intent of great purpose and I have just let myself and others down again and again.. now I just can't stop hating myself for it.. even when I know that I do do positive things for others.. I can't stop dwelling on the negative things I've done.. even if some wouldn't consider them even that extreme.

It's all about perspective.