Seeking Help For Lifelong Problems

Oops, looks like my trip didn't go through. Here I am.

Hurry up.

I guess a little backstory helps to serve.

My mother and father met when my mother transferred halfway across the country. They both came from abusive situations (my father from a rich family who blamed him for his mother's death, and my mother from a dissociative mother who let her end up in fostercare for some time). They bonded over their love of music and went on the road selling art with their favorite band.

Both had gone through sexual, mental, and physical abuse throughout their lives and were eclectic pagan-types. They didn't really fall in love, since they both had lost very close loved ones, but they did greatly care for one another and understand eachother's predicaments. My father asked my mother to marry him many times. She refused.

Many times mom swore people possessed people around her to get in between her and my father. This continues to this day with "energies" coming through people to hurt both her and myself. They change people's opinions, make them forget entire conversations, and evidently have caused most of my maternal family to regard my mother as crazy (though they might also be controlled).

My own opinion is more that I believe both of us were transported from different very closely related dimensions, but I digress.

I'm going to tell one quick story about my mother before she had me with a run in with one of the energies that tried to manipulate my father, and after that I'll be focusing more on the cult that hurt us from ages 1-3.

Also sorry if there are any slow responses, I'm writing this all in real time rather than having written anything before hand.

Anyway.

My mother had a forced miscarriage by a witch when on the road with my father. Like I said, many people have tried to hurt both my mother and father because they were sensitives (though I think my father has been in denial forever).

Mom had been sick, like when she'd been pregnant. A woman named Lory (there are many women named Lory we've run into, thought with many faces, I'll be sure to let you know if it's a different one or not).

Mom and Dad would smoke joints in exchange for food sometimes with Lory. When Mom told her she thought she was getting morning sickness she said, "Are you sure?"

Well she started fixing her soup, setting up chairs.

"Why are you feeding me lunch and not ___ (dad)?"
"It's my last bowl of soup"
"Why are you setting up this table outside?"

She made some sort of excuse. My mother decided to try it anyway. It had a peculiar taste.

Lory was watching her. Mom didn't want to offend. So she ate it.

Within about 20 minutes she suddenly experienced intense vertigo. At the time she was living in a trailer with my dad. She hurried back, barely able to stand. My dad asked what was wrong, and mom said she felt like she was having a miscarriage. Dad... dad acted guilty.

Mom had him take her to the hospital, 40 minutes away. There was no doctor on call. So they waited.

"I don't even know if I'm pregnant, I just feel like something is wrong", she said before promptly passing out.

The doctor came in, furious at my mother when she woke up. "I was having dinner with my family!" she was angered. He must've thought mom aborted the baby. His anger was uncalled for, though mom didn't have money to pay for the bill.

The people on the band circuit had a reputation of not paying their bills in the 90's. "You'd better pay that bill or I'll ruin your credit," he threatened. It went to collections, but got dropped.

My brother's name was going to be Tristan.

A psychic told my mother than she had the energy of an unborn child with her for a very long time.

My father even admitted he thought Lory aborted the baby.

This is just one instance among many of stories that happened to my mother. This was the easiest one I could thing to share.

Strange occurrences littered my parent's life together. It only got worse when my mother got pregnant with me.

She finally said yes to my dad asking for her hand in marriage. Their wedding was even interrupted by my mother's best friend at the time exhibiting strange manic behavior, inviting people over to eat cake before the makeshift renaissance ceremony was even finished.

My mother was six months pregnant at the time.

The circumstances of my birth were bizarre, to start. At the hospital the same friend and my father played with balloons made out of gloves, and ignored my mother's requests for help. The staff (much like the doctor during the miscarriage) were unkind to her, treating her like an inconvenience.

After 32 hours of labor they wouldn't let her see me. "It's a girl!" they celebrated. Mom was confused. She had felt my energy. She was sure I was a boy.

They took me into the hallway. Mom was drugged up from the c section at this point, my father and her friend elsewhere.

All of it was like some strange dream, she would tell me. And it wasn't just the drugs. This strange dingy hospital in backwoods Kentucky was giving her the creeps, and each minute they kept me from her was more and more frightening.

They scraped my foot for some kind of skin sample. This was 1996. I still have no idea why they would take a skin sample from a newborn.

My first year or so was fairly normal, though dingy conditions were put up with. I was a normal bouncing baby. Though I didn't cry. I didn't scream. That, and I slept through the night, ot napping through the day.

Outside of a few incidents.

There was a woman she saw tripping at a concert before she had me when a woman waved her hands in her face, as if in a trance. Once the other tripped out woman left my mom looked behind her a woman she likened her face to that of a demon glaring at her. The woman was white, slender, but endowed. Her red dress contrasted her pale figure and dark brown hair. My mom suddenly went blind, only coming back to it when her friend gave her a soda.

Mom said she was an angel.

She saw her again, floating by me again. She glared at my mother, walking into the room in the middle of the night to check on me. Her "distorted resting bitch face" (as my mother jokes), was there again, but more intense this time. She zoomed past her, disappearing into the night.

This is one of the people I've wondered about. I've looked into demonology and angels, but I haven't found anything about a woman like her. Mom said my face looks like her when I'm angry enough.

I don't know if anyone is finding this interesting, to be honest. I know I'm getting more sidetracked by little details and uninteresting moments. This isn't even the stuff I remember, it's all word of mouth from my mother, so it really should be taken with a grain of salt. I'm unsure how much of my mom's sensitivity is true ability to perceive, and trauma manifesting in odd recollection.

Or what she might be seeing from another dimension.

>>18752785
One detail I forgot. My mother's stepfather had a postcard with her on it, smiling. Like a lighter side to her regularly deformed face. My mom asked him about this when she saw it after the crib incident. He simply laughed and shrugged her off.

I'd be very careful with psychics. Very very careful. If you're suffering, and it sounds like you are, the natural tendency is to seek a reason for it. Many of us have a somewhat misguided belief that our present problems are unsolvable unless we can point to a past trauma as their cause.
It rarely begins as a witch hunt, but it often ends that way.
My advice probably isnt what you're looking for right now - which I totally understand - but I think you won't hear much better from anyone else on here. Find a passion, and lose yourself in it. Something challenging. Forgive everyone, but don't be an outlet for their problems anymore. Force yourself to become optimistic, and after a while, it'll come naturally. Hopefully, when the people you care about see how you've grown, they'll follow your lead. Good luck man.

At the age of 16 when my mother was in a group home she was having painful excruciating visions when she was naked in the bathtub. A man came up to her with a brown goatee (a style that wasn't like many of the time, early 80's), and offered to take it away if she gave her first born. She refused at first, but agrees to it after. She doesn't see him again until the day of Columbine.

At a Ren fair she got squirted in the face with a squirt gun by teenager with a teddy bear full of pins who had tried to get me to touch it (around age 3). She started freaking out, the man arriving later that day. She didn't recognize him at first, but my father was a woodworker at the time. The man with the goatee said he wanted to start a jousting company. Said to my dad that he wanted to hire him to harvest ceder. My father never harvested live wood, but he did anyway.

He changed overnight.

He was acting strange, though my mother brushed it off. This was when my father became a born again Christian (this is where the cults come in again). Though my father was acting strange my mother sat down with the man. Mom doesn't remember how the conversation got to this, but he brought up a girl, tripping in a bathtub years before. She got a sick feeling in her stomach and said that she had to feed me. She did not want to be near him again.

The next time she saw him was on a poster for a Ren Faire, then once again delivering heat to our home just a few months ago. Was I the firstborn? I still don't know.

What I do know is that the churches my father went to after this run in with the man were the start of stranger things with me, and the start of my questioning of why I am in this body. Why I am a part of this family. What my life is leading up to.

I'm exhausted, though I admit I'm a bit afraid of this thread going away if I sleep soon. I'll try to talk about the cults before I do. Maybe I can get some answers from someone. If anyone has any questions or ideas I implore you to comment.

>>18752841
I've never trusted psychics. Not even my own sensitive friends. Every instance has been fearful and with them trying to twist something else to heir own whims.

Regardless I thank you. I do involve myself in writing and arts, and I feel that it's the only thing that is keeping me alive.

I don't fear my trauma. Recently I've been experiencing my lives from other realms. I've been existing on multiple planes, as I believe my mother has (possibly my father and many friends I've met in my life). The other selves from other lives who have perished have been helping me creatively. That, and they've been helping me recall what has happened to me since I came into this body. I no longer fear my own trauma, though being a sensitive, my mother's trauma being forced onto me is... another story entirely.

As for my mother... I don't know where the insight begins and me just being an outlet for her delusions brought on by trauma ends.

>>18752888
Also I mentioned Columbine because this whole day my mother had a bad feeling. She only heard the news after this, the bad energy and day she was having and how it all tied together was important.

We come from a long line of sensitives and witches. Many of us have sensed terrible events happening to both us, friends, and even complete strangers time and time again.

Three times I've gotten intense migraines when friends have committed suicide.

Hello OP. I'm very interested in this thread. Hopefully it doesn't 404 by tomorrow when you continue posting.

>>18752910
I'm going to try and post as much as I can before I sleep. I have to go to work in about 14 hours, though I can risk some sleep to keep posting. Thank you for you interest, it's extremely encouraging.

>>18752916

I'm interested as well. Quality thread so far. (No response necessary, keep writing)

>>18752910
I haven't even gotten into the juicy stuff, to be honest. I promise you if it does 404 tomorrow I'll try to come back to /x/ with this thread screenshotted. I have so many questions and worries that I need answered.

In the same month of the faire that my mother met the man with the goatee during Columbine my father took us to a few churches (again in the backwoods of Kentucky/Tennessee).

My father cut off his hair, facial and long hair. He wanted change.

The first church was run by some jarhead priest, shouting hellfire and brimstone. Mom made my dad leave. A fairly normal man came to us and asked why we were leaving. "This isn't my idea of god," mom said.

My dad got the addresses of these churches from a man dressed as Pan at the Ren Faire.

The second church was similar, though the road to it was dirt, down about 20 miles. A sudden clearing was the building, a 50's-style hotel covered in mirrors in the same clearing. Down a 20 mile road ?

There was a huge confederate flag at the hotel "free rent" listed. Everyone at the church were jarhead aryan brotherhood types. The moment we arrived mom wanted to leave (the men in the field slowly approaching the van).

"We need to turn around now... slowly... or they're gonna come after us," my mother told my father. If they hadn't, who knows what would have happened in this strange place.

After this we went to one with a large portrait of a machine like crucifixion. Mom was already turned off. A woman with a slightly green face came to her and asked to bring me downstairs to the kid's playroom. My mom was at first very uncomfortable, already feeling ill from the atmosphere of this strange space. The woman insisted, and brought us both downstairs while my father conversed with the congregation to get to know them.

Downstairs children were playing with music toys, the hum of activity barely heard from upstairs. Though feeling ill, mom decided to have me stay there.

A bad decision. From upstairs, about 20 minutes later, she felt a sword stab through her. Something was very very wrong. She ran downstairs, while people tried to hold her back.

She found me, surrounded by almost zombie-fied children in a circle.

>>18752815
Slow down and write more carefully. Give yourself time to re-read and edit. Most of what you are writing is too rambling and disjointed to really follow.

>>18752969
And let yourself sleep. /x is a pretty slow moving forum. You'll only make less sense if your exhausted while trying to explain this stuff.

>>18752965

The woman watching us was shaking in the corner. My diaper was full of blood red shit. My mom was livid, picking me up, tearing of my soiled red dress.

She asked one of the children there, less vacant, for help because she didn't know where to clean me. I was dazed, much like the kids there. She cleaned me, taking me out completely naked as my father and the greenfaced woman came downstairs,

"They invited us to a feast tonight," my father said, acting almost as vacant as the children. My mom wanted to leave (understandably).

The greenfaced woman offered to get me a diaper, and after she did she insisted that we come to the feast tonight. My mom once again declined, begging my father to take us out of there.

"Well I guess we can't go to the feast," my dad said almost blankly again.

After this my mother recalled seeing the woman in the ER when she gave birth to me. She originally wanted to give birth naturally with a midwife, and insisted that she did NOT want a catheter. Of course after 32 hours they decided to do the c-section.

The same greenfaced woman was the one who inserted the catheter.

This was our ritual abuse, but mom believes she had more cult run ins in her life.

>>18752907
I think you missed my point a bit, because I did a shit job of expressing it. I didn't mean to warn you against psychics because I put western medicine on a pedestal, and dismiss all holistic remedies as quackery. I should have said be wary of psychics, psychologists, therapists, or anyone else who tries to uncover forgotten/dissociated trauma. Not because their revelations aren't often accurate, but because the process of discovery often does more harm than good. I won't hammer this point any further, and im not trying to dissuade you from getting everything out in this thread. It's probably one of the safer places to do so, and catharsis can help to a degree.
But ask yourself - do you want answers, or do you want peace? There's no wrong choice here, but it's very difficult to find both.

>>18752969
>>18752991
I'll try my best to be a little more careful. I'm still going to be up for some time, but I'm really just trying to get past the stuff from before I remember this body.

Let me know if there is anything I should clarify, there is just a LOT to go through and so much more I'd rather focus on than the older stuff.

>>18753000
I honestly just want to let this stuff out. So much of this has been with just my mother and a few close friends.

I honestly don't trust most "healers" outside of my own meditation and recollection, to be frank. There is a lot of research regarding leading patients to remember false memories. As for the process of discovery I feel as though what I'm recovering on my own is doing more good than harm. I'm relearning myself in many ways.

Thank you for your support.

In the end I choose peace. Thank you for reading thus far. Not just to you, but others in this thread.

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My mother finally left my father after two nights of staying over their friend's place (just after the month of Columbine and the strange churches). The first night my mother finally decided to go out for the first time in three years of taking care of me. She regrets these nights more than any others. Going out she left me in the care of the two friends (married, house owners) and their 14 year old daughter. Through the whole night my mom had a bad feeling, much like the previous times. She called, and asked to speak to me. Evidently I was in the bath, though mom didn't understand why she couldn't talk to me. About an hour she came back to the house.

I had a cut on my forehead, and had been changed from a dress into boy's clothes. I complained about pain "downstairs", and told her about there being dead girls in the freezer downstairs. She didn't want to check. The second night is when she left after the two owning the house drugged her and raped her after my father acted strange all night.

Moving on from this point my mother got custody of me, and the nightmare stopped for a while. Though a new one began in the man my father became. He became pagan again after some time, marrying a woman named Lori (not the same as before, but exhibited a lot of the same energy).

Then the belladonna incident brought me into this body that had been abused, raped, and hurt many times by many different people (other times not mentioned) before I was out of a toddler stage. Things mostly stayed normal for a time, though small strange occurrences littered my childhood, which I will get to shortly.

Alright I'm going to take a break from writing now. Going to draw some of the... creatures I've had run ins with. Post them tomorrow while I'm at work so that the thread doesn't 404.

I feel like I've gone through the older stuff enough, and now I can focus more on the current stuff. I might write a bit about the smaller occurrences from age 5-16, but I honestly don't think there is enough significant stuff to talk about heavily. I'm going to talk more about the current happenings from the past 4 years. I will most certainly cover my childhood and teenhood, but those were the years I was most cut off from my senses due to emotional abuse and later trauma that I ACTUALLY recall past my arrival in this body.

I don't think I will ever recall the first five years of my life outside of very vague memories that passed over. Mere glimpses.

Thank you for sitting through my more frantic moments, and I hope I'll see you all tomorrow if I'm able to continue for you.

>>18753088
holy fuck dont ever talk about yourself or people you care about

especially dont show people on 4chan of all places

>one of the gods is a nigger
>mods delete this plz

>>18752610
also from now on be sure of yourself, and say that all other people dont know you
and know that your better than everyone else

>and if your gonna fight ayys dont get caught they do shit like this
>also dont live in new york or whever shitville swamp u live in

>>18753182
Thank you for coming to /x/ to talk about this stuff. I can't imagine it's easy to do, even after all the years and rationalization. It's never easy to talk about real trauma, but it is good to do it. Not to sound grandiose, but do it for the people who might be able to benefit and be helped though it. Hopefully reliving such memories won't be a huge problem, because you're not alone in this at all and the more people who speak out the better. We're at the best time to speak out and I can't value this enough. Good luck to you.

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>>18753270
Thank you. I do get what >>18753187 >>18753193 is saying, but I feel like my story can be more helpful to others than harmful to my own safety. I've put up my wards, I have my protectors.

Though I am curious about those who have orchestrated all of this. I am tired of their lies and deceit, and the trials they have put me through. I feel as though the pain has made me an awakened being in many ways. Being able to be one with several versions of myself from different universes helps (9, to be exact).

I also have collections to a being that is either my guardian or a closely related creature to whatever brought me to this place. I call it Ob. It's been watching me in the shadows since I was a child, though I was only able to see it more recently.

When I first saw slenderman stuff it freaked me out since it reminded me of Ob. But I think it's just a visual form he takes for the sake of recognizing. This is a very very simple doodle of him. That is a hole in his face. His hands are black, leading up to the white of the rest of him. The hole is his eye. Apologizes for how shitty the doodle is. I'm up much later than I usually am.

>>18753357
What's very interesting is that there is a concept in the occult called the Holy Guardian Angel. It is a perfect "you" taken from all possibilities of what you could be. This being is manifest in many ways, but some are more subtle than others. To get the attention of the HGA is to perform an act which forces it to intervene on your behalf. This is why so many of the rituals for achieving "Knowledge and Conversation" are of an exorcism type. For the simple reason that one has to purge off all the forces that are inimical to one's desire to find one's perfected self. This is the highest aspiration of Magick, apart from the next biggest event - Crossing the Abyss. If you've never heard of this, I can help you learn more. I love helping people and I've spent a long time away from /x/ to obtain more knowledge for this very reason. I think I am more qualified than ever to deal with this subject.

>>18753399
I think the woman in the red dress was an angel of sorts, one who plotted out plans for my experience in this world, though Ob is certainly myself from all other universes. Along with the other 9 specific versions, Ob (they & he is what I use for him, since it switches based on how I refer to them on a contextual level) is certainly the vessel of any sort of HGA I might be in contact with. He is me, I am they, we are all. I believe they have intervened, and that I was brought here for some reason. We all went through this (and other things I'll be sure to talk more about tomorrow) for some reason. And hey, if reality is meaningless and all this is just a bunch of crockshit for the sake of my own ego... then okay, I'm fine with any sort of reality or multitudes of reality. My nightmares have helped me view the emptiness of everything through my life. I want to create, to fill that emptiness. We are all part of the source in some way. We were put here to create. We were put here to make something of what we came from. To postpone the inevitability of entropy. Is that not the purpose of magic, science, and the occult?

As for that, oh man. Honestly I've crossed many Abysses, though perhaps not like that. Feel free to drop and references here, I'm a bit shy to provide and contact other than my trip for /x/. I'm grateful to your support.

Also like I said I'm open to all possibilities of what has happened. Occult, ayys, reincarnation, ghostly possession, multiverse hopping, cosmic divine intervention, pure insanity

Life is too short to demand all answers. I'm only here to vent my own issues and possibly reach out to anyone who has been through similar happenings. All sensitives who have been through extensive trauma deserve to be in a comfortable space, not reliving the same horrifying shit all the time.

Worst case scenario: I'm just another crazy settling with bizarre childish explanations of the universe because I've been traumatized by reality

>>18753445
If you ever want to, look up Credo Mutwa's interview with David Icke. He talks about an experience he had in South Africa that is identical to the usual alien abduction. He also talks about the beings behind such things. It is a fascinating interview, even if it's not all true.

Yeah you sound like ur bat shit crazy OP. You and your mom. Your dad turned to God to help you guys.

Also, maybe youre a witch and if not stopped destined to bring about the end of the world.

Shit id probably shoot u if i saw you.

Good luck.

>>18753476
>Shit id probably shoot u if i saw you.
Saying this kind of shit and calling someone crazy is...not a good way to establish sanity on your part.

>>18753487
Relax, im just projecting

Please keep sharing, I am thoroughly interested in your story and thoroughly interested in all the details. Thanks for sharing.

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>>18753609
its really easy

psychic niggers started hitting white people long ago
muslims and japs and viets joined in
now the whites r so mad that psychi whites hit stupid whites who dont believe, listen, or follow orders.

>>18753445
So what is your problem? What can be done to help you? Or have you not gotten to that part yet?

>>18753399
Are you still around? I don't want to hijack the thread so I'll keep it short. I feel like I've began to pull attention from the HGA/'All'; this energy has accompanied what feels like a path to self realization. I'm a skeptic that is realizing there is very real phenomena rooted in ourselves that shows throughout history, and as I deconstruct my beliefs to reach truth/wisdom (lifting the veil) my goal is to come closer to the 'All'.

Can you tell me more about Crossing the Abyss, or a good source? It seems so familiar, like I've tried to push through the boundaries or edge where the Abyss is before, but was stopped. I wouldn't be surprised if what you speak of pertains to what guards the edges of the Abyss.

>>18753445
I read all of your posts. I'm sorry for the circumstances you have experienced. The only comforting thing I can say is: Life is like plinko. Everyone is a falling ball, bumping into pegs on the way down that direct your path. Part of it is predetermined, and part of it is your own will. It is unlikely that any certain truth someone holds will explain your experiences; everyone has their own personal key so to say. But no matter what, your ball will reach the end one way or another. All you can do is enjoy the ride, and understand that both pleasure and suffering are physical perspectives. They are part of a greater understanding that can not be explained in words, only in personal symbolism and meaning. Accept what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen as one idea in your mind. Use your willpower and determination to find your own answers and bring yourself what you need, but do not corner yourself or your beliefs. Remain open and confident, do not stop learning, and remember to help yourself.

I'm still here. I sleep very late due to chronic pain and sickness, and no matter how I try and fix my schedule it doesn't really help. I can't really do much at this very moment, since I have work in about an hour, and will be there for another seven. I'll try to post something during my shift, but anything else might have to wait.

Till then I guess I'll talk about my more current predicament. I cannot handle the way my mother acts like my moments of clarity mean that I have all the answers in life. In the end I am just one being in one body. Maybe I'm a bit more aware of the universe and life around me, but it seriously hurts when she questions and questions me about her past and her freedom. She's used our trauma against me for most of our lives, and believes that those who caused us pain before are still watching us. (With all the electronic humming in our house it's a bit understandable, even I have fears that the place is bugged) it's also a bit comforting. I think they've prevented me from dying many times.

Such as my most recent injury. During a suicide attempt I drank half a handle of vodka and was brought to the hospital. It's been two years, and after they sent me home the next day I never heard from them again. Caused my migraines to increase and now I'm losing vision in one eye. Considering trying to find if there was any malpractice at that hospital and suing because now I possibly have a fracture. Throughout my life I've never gotten proper medical care. Mental or physical.

Going back to a previous point I don't know how to help my mother. I'm at my wit's end trying to tell her that things are working out and changing. She doesn't see that freedom is her own problem, her own quest. I fear she'll kill herself come my birthday in search of her freedom. She questions if our bodies are still back where she was raped and left my father. Thank you to everyone who has piqued interest in my story. I'm eternally greatful.

>>18754426
Yeah, I'm here.

>>18754426
Crossing the Abyss is an ordeal where one's Ego is dissolved or completely overtakes the personality.

>>18755510
I hope you are not recommending this for someone who is magick-inept. This is not to insult OP, but to point out that this is totally irresponsible and is very likely to end badly. And if you don't realize you are dealing with someone who is severely mentally disturbed, Probably very ill, then you have no business having this conversation.

At this point I have to say that I do definitely deal with depression and anxiety. I do not believe I deal with much else, but my experiences of both do cause me to have anxiety induced hallucinations (mostly stuff like bugs underneath my skin, never outside apparations). I can tell when something is outside of me and when it isn't.

I am a high functioning person outside of chronic pain and these issues. I have a full time job. Looking into goin back to school. There are so many artistic projects I've wanted to do my whole life, ones I want to work on because I believe in them.

I'm still at work but one thing comes to mind at this point

Do you guys think I should just abandon my mother, the only person who has been there for me, and give up my research on the occult and what has happened in my life

Or do I keep digging? Is there a point to any of it?

I might stop responding in this thread. I'm having mixed feelings at this point about sharing any more of what has happened.

When it comes to any HGA stuff I'm honestly kinda half into it. I believe we can all be self actualized without magic or anything outside of ourselves. Just by being good people and caring for others we can reach a point where we find peace among ourselves and our surroundings. I'm just very tired of trying to piece together a puzzle with so many missing pieces.

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what you need is a Lacanian psychoanalyst, OP.

>>18755572
Anyone who spends 5 minutes researching the subject would see that it's not something to fuck with. I consider myself to grasp some of the concepts and I wouldn't fuck with it. Anyone who is not familiar probably wouldn't be able to perform the procedure anyway.

Is it not better to know where the boundaries lay?

>>18755941
To me (an anonymous poster on a paranoid wizard forum), it sounds like you need to make a change of some sort. I get you don't want to abandon your mom; maybe you can find a different way to provide help or support? Mental illness is a bitch. I've no idea where the border is between mental illness and the paranormal, so maybe do some digging and see what feels right?

This may be a fork in the road for you: continue these studies, or bluepill yourself and see where it leads. Do you feel like your studies are currently helping you? If you are honest with yourself, your answer should show you the way.

I agree that equilibrium of the self can likely be reached without magic or paranormalish topics. Aspects of ourselves are in all of the arts, academics, etc. The occult may be one way of expressing or learning yourself, but it's not the only.

>>18756143
To add on to this: Consider that the HGA and most (if not all) occult concepts are open to personal interpretation, often it's encouraged.

The HGA does not have to be a separate entity, a ghost or spirit, otherworldly, whatever. It's the symbolism that matters. Entertain the idea of your HGA being the force that brings certain events your way and figuratively watches over you. Your HGA may not be outside of you at all, rather it could be a spark inside you that only needs the confidence and attention to burn. It is your will and desire to succeed.

>>18752907
>no longer fear my own trauma, though being a sensitive, my mother's trauma being forced onto me is... another story entirely.
>As for my mother... I don't know where the insight begins and me just being an outlet for her delusions brought on by trauma ends.

Hold on I just realized by "sensitive" you mean psychically sensitive.

please describe the best you can how your body feel when you're sensing something.

What you need OP is to let go of your worries and doubts. Pursue your interests and live out your life. Give yourself peace. Block out all outside voices, including your mother, and just listen to your heart.

Worrying only drags you down.

If it seems like people are out to get you its probably because they are. 80% of people are fake and 100% are petty. Its up to you to rise above the darkness in others. Just remember to have a heart, and realize that you are bigger than most.

I can tell from here youre capable of thinking clearly. Trust yourself. Listen to your insticts. Carve your path. Take it slow if you must.

If you find yourself worrying just distract yourself by singing your favorite song. Go for a hike and scream at the birds. Find a happy place and release your spirit. You are in control of your own destiny.

Live your life as death may come.

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>>18753357
that creature, can I literally facefuck it?

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>>18755941
>Or do I keep digging? Is there a point to any of it?
Well OP, I've read all of your posts. I am pretty sure you are psychotic (in the Lacanian sense); you tick all of the boxes: hallucinations, psychosomatic symptoms, lack of the Name-of-the-Father (you will understand in time what this means).

I highly recommend a Lacanian psychoanalyst.

>>18756232

Sorry for not being clearer on this. Yes, I do mean psychically/energetically sensitive. My mother and I are both empaths, but she is much MUCH more emotionally susceptible. I'm mostly in control, but I do have my moments. I'll be able to give more examples and talk about what I sense and what it feels like when I get off work in about an hour or so.

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>>18756329
Thank you. I'm trying my best to not let things drag me down. Especially not anyone else. Most of all I'm working on not bringing myself down.

This is the step I'm at. Trying to clear it all out. Thank you, truly.

>>18756429
Aha, maybe. Idk, to me I'd rather have a therapist who focuses on more of my current problems (such as dealing with a codependent parent figure and pervasive anxiety and agoraphobia). I'll look more into him though, since >>18756070 thinks I should also see one who follows his work. It just doesn't click for me.

>>18756333
I mean you'd be sliding your dick around a big hole, so unless you have a King Kong sized dick, you're probably outta luck there, buddy.

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>>18756586
>to me I'd rather have a therapist who focuses on more of my current problems (such as dealing with a codependent parent figure and pervasive anxiety and agoraphobia)
You could go for more "practical" therapy, so to speak, to help you cope with your situation faster. That's understandable since psychoanalysis takes years. However, if you want to find out what on earth IS happening in your head and why, then I recommend a Lacanian psychoanalyst. I'm mostly saying it because you have psychosomatic symptoms and hallucinations, and after all, you wanted yourself to find out here >>18755941 what is going on.

Of course, it comes down to your choice OP.

>>18756623
Thank you for being respectful and honoring my position on my mental health here. A lot of this thread has been me moreso making peace with what has happened at this point than searching for answers. I'm honestly thinking of covering some of my current experiences/sensitivies and abandoning it. But really I do thank you so your support and suggestions. I don't think I would go for psychoanalysis, but I will weigh my options and put more research into it.

>>18752610
Read the thread and your story seems sincere OP. Good luck with everything.

I really am grateful for the support and genuine listening everyone has given me in this thread. Most of what I've gone into has been my mother's story, not really my own. I'm going to share more about specific memories of my own and strange happenings, but I feel like responding to >>18756232 about what I'm dealing with energetically is important.

Since I was a child I could see the empty spaces. The spaces where things seem to be. I have one specific memory of going to a Shaker village and seeing the empty spaces where being left their imprint.

Like I said over in >>18756453 , both my mother and I are empaths. Like I said my mother is much more susceptible to the emotions of other people and spirits (including one of a little girl who was anally raped and murdered who has been haunting us for some time calling out to her mother and waking my mom in the middle of the night thinking it was me). I am more susceptible to intense emotions from those around me, even when they're hiding them for the sake of other's comfort. I've been told by many of my friends that I'm comfortable to be around because of this, that they feel they can talk to me about anything without judgement. To me the practical explanation can just be that I have been through a lot of trauma and have no more limits to what I can hear from others (when I'm not in a triggered hyper sensitive space).

I also am an energy conservation. Almost like a self-charging battery. Even when I'm low emotionally or physically I have the ability to charge up other's magic and energy. I make sure that I surround myself with positive energy, that which invigorates those around me. This of course can be changed if I'm in a bad space, as a empath that is able to disrupt energy around me I can make a space of asphyxiating negative energy around me instead.

I've also had prophetic dreams. Nothing exciting outside of my own experiences, and nothing I can really prove with like "yo I saw 9/11 coming" or anything.

Sometimes I feel like I'm manipulating others by surrounding myself with positive energy, like I'm tricking people into liking me more with positive feedback. At the same time I feel like intent is important. It's imperative to me to make others happy to a detrimental point. This is a classic issue for victims of abuse, having a caretaker personality. Even when you help others there is this endless guilt for it.

At the moment I've shut myself off from a lot of my sensitivities (I refer to them as this because I fucking hate the term "powers" because it's so exceedingly self important). I did a sealing on myself when I was high once because so many beings were coming to me for help and I couldn't discern their intents. I can help people in the physical realm, but helping those beyond any veils of reality makes me fear that others will just come and come and come and never stop asking for my help. Especially when I can't even take care of myself fully, and have to help be a support to my mother.

>>18755941
Have you tried native American practices? I read somewhere that the shamans believe when someone is suffering from what society labels mental illness, that it is the soul trying to transform to it's next stage of (for lack of a better word) maturity. That everyone is connected to everything and that there are guides to help you through this process. You suffer when your ego tries to fight it. I believe in this as it makes sense with moments in my life

>>18756804
Being an emapath sucks.

Thanks for sharing. I agree that the ego, especially one that has been embodied inside a tortured soul, tries to establish reason for it's environment and/or reality that it experiences (be it bad or good), and becomes self-conflicted therefore shutting itself down by ripping itself from the commonality of reality while coming up with its own interpretation of what these experiences mean. You have proven to be a strong spirit. Let the Shaman help guide you to where your peace lies within yourself. You will need to be prepared to dive deeper into yourself than ever before. So deep into the vast depth of yourself that the infinite universe will actually be discovered inside of you. Your peace is there.