Psychosis Story Thread

I'm still struggling with what this dream really meant. Was it something my soul has experienced? Is it something I will experience? I find that highly unlikely since the concept of some sort of divine punishment doesn't make sense to me. The only meaning I can find is that I had this dream so my psychosis experience would be even more terrifying for me.

I'll continue with my psychosis story. It all started with me trying shrooms with some of my friends. It wasn't a very pleasurable experience, it wasn't really bad either. But I had vision of a pyramid with a double helix sort of formation floating around it and it was all made out of bright shining nonphysical materials.

This vision lead me to become interested in spirituality for the first time. I started with simple stuff but it really began when I read the Kybalion. I felt as if I understood the hidden meaning in those words. I was also interested in Kaballah and the Sephirot, even though I think I never got it how it is meant to be understood. I felt as if I had an actual connection to the highest of Sephirots, Kether. Through my own will I was able to feel massive energies come into my head from my crown chakra. I also began practicing meditation and did try to open my third eye.

One morning I woke up and I could suddenly see all things shine with a bright color, it was like there was another layer of color ontop of everything that I couldn't see before. This was so intense that I was actually worried that when someone asked me what color something is that I couldn't tell exactly what it was (I still can see these colors nowadays actually, just not as strongly. If I try I can enhance this ability but I'm fine with how it is). When I came to school this day I noticed that there was a new graffiti on the wall and it depicted the wings of an angel and I obviously thought that this was a sign. During school I was also certain that I was able to move my pens simply with the force of my will at least once. Then after school I knew exactly where my friends would be and went there and they were there and I smoked weed with them. Then suddenly after I started talking to them about spiritual things and tell them that if one feels better than the other the other feels worse as I thought that this was a way of how energies work and they all gathred up on me and stared at me and I was terrified. They were obviously just making fun of me but at this time I was already so lost in my own world. Then something rather creepy happened after this and in a moment where I was alone with one of my friends he suddenly looked really weird at me and I felt as if a dark presence was in him. He looked at me and said "Everyone gets one ticket". Later I asked him about that and he didn't remember it although I am absolutely sure that he said this to me. I was obviously worried that I had somehow betrayed the ticket I got and thought of all kinds of scary things.

After this day I got more immersed in spirituality and more so with magick. First I believed in demons and was rather christian but abolished those ideas later. I started practicing magick and even did rituals, some even with sucess. At least in the sense that what I had asked for happened for me. There were also a lot of weird things that happened to me. Like one day in physics class the teacher was doing an expirement up front where he would shoot balls into the air with some device. Each time he did so I thought I was able to use my willpower to make them fly further. The weirdest thing however was that the students in front of me began joking and claiming that they were doing this with the ball even though I talked with no one the whole class. There was also an incident where one of my friends came over and we would get high, he was making fun of me being such a lunatic behind my back as my friends were jerks back then. After we got high we sat infront of each other and I tried communicating with him thelepathically. He didn't say anything and I was sure we were having a converation over thelepathy. After it was over he got up and said "This was rather interesting". Later he sat down beside me and suddenly I felt as if he was serving Satan. I then began battling him, imagining a holy war going on between us. He looked even sort of mad at me. After he left I was suddenly hit with mental attacks telling me that I cannot do anything. I was fighting it with my will and I was scared for my life but after a while was able to get over it. Later he said "I was having so much fun after I left" after I told him that I think that for each joy felt there is suffering somewhere else.

This and a lot more of these kinds of things happened to me but it all began getting really scary one day while I was taking a bath to cleanse myself spiritually like I did often back then. I was using my mind to chose the timeline to go to next while I did so while I was suddenly having a vision of some kind of lab and I was being tested on by the military like in the movie"District 9" it was the most terrifying thing for me so far back then, apart from my dream at least. I kept worrying about this timeline manifesting itself for weeks and while looking outside sometimes believed I saw people from the goverment or the Illuminati watching me.

A while after this I became so fearful that I was afraid of losing control over my mental ability. I was also quite delusional about my role. I even thought I was above god at times. Then later I that I was Jesus and at some time even Hitler in my past lifes. In the end I thought I was the "One". Wich meant to me that I have been every other human being that ever lived on this planet, even in the future. And that each person in this world was just a past life of me and that this life I'm living now is the final life of this one soul that is me and thus the hardest one. I thought that my mission was to be the new pope and change this world forever so I could ascend to the next higher dimension to be a king there. But since I was so fearful and thought I was losing control over my abilties I began recieving messages, first mentally then even in real life by events that only I could interpret this way that told me to get a hold of myself, then they began threatening me.

It all started breaking down when I finally, after many failures and even the chance to go back to my old state and lose my abilities. (Wich "they" really did for me but I chose to try using my abilities again) they told me that I have now lost this challenge. I was then told that I have tried fullfillling this final mission 2 times already and that they turned the time back after each try. Each time I was captured by the Illuminati and first tortured for 3 years in the first try and then for over 20 years until I was allowed to die with 43 in the second try. It was planned that if I were to fail the third time I would accept my punishment to be then only tortured for 3 years and then still left to be king over the next higher dimension. I began having intense visions, even smelling the torture I thought I had endured during my past tries.

My task then was to accept, in my mind that I will now be tortured for 3 years and after a while they would come get me and torture me. But my fear was so intense that I had started losing control over my mind. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that I would make it worse, so I made it worse. After a few days they increased the years. Then they told me that everytime I smoke a cigarette they'd torture me more. I couldn't help it and stupidly enough I kept smoking. Then they told me they were going to kill me and then revive me in a clone of my body again. This got so bad that it got almost comical as the amount of deaths was soon over a thousand. I couldn't help but think of jokes about it in my mind and at some point they began picking that up and I had intense visions of crude laughter and viciously comical torture devices they'd use on me.

Things totally lost control once they told me I lost all my chances and that now I will be tortured in the next dimension, and then eventually the next. Until I was to be tortured through all dimension. I lost all hope when after running around in the nature, being scared of being captured at home for days when God himself told me I was to be the only soul that would be damned for eternity.

They began calling me a "glitch" in the game because I had lost control over my own being and my only use was to serve for entertainment for all other souls by enduring infinite pain. They made it so bad that I was to be trappped in a place where the pain that has been felt in this entire universe through all time was to be felt by me in one second and that if I feared it would go worse it would go worse. And if I feared it would go 100x times as worse it would, each second. Only increasing my pain to absurdly large number over eternity. I even had communication from my ex friends then who joked about it more and more, even my family did and so did God and all other beings.

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>>18381895
I remember having one when I found out about the whole Anonymous internet nonsense.
Had another one when I found out that none gave a shit.

Creepy stuff. My bullshit filter sort of disappeared and I was openminded to a lot of crap. Thinking back on it, it was also an amazing time. Never felt more alive and really felt I was part of something big. I felt special.

>>18381999
Well I simply wanted to tell this story once and saw this as an opportunity to do so. I may not get many reactions but I'm sure at least ten people read it.

Even if not I saved this text for later use and I wanted to write down my psychosis anyways.

What are you implying anyways?

That anonymous image boards are useless because no one gives a shit?

That this amount of effort is wasted on a place like this?

But perhaps you really meant none of that and it was just a shitpost. Wich seems the most likely to me but at least I got one reply .

>>18382054
Well what you experienced was something similar to a ritual to make you acheive an higher awakening. I went with something similar exept at some point I loosed all fears by abandoning my ego (that was the key) after that the psychosis becamed more clearer as I wasn't doing it for myself, the I didn't existed at all on this point. I spent 3 full month of psychosis firuring how the universe and the fabric of reallity was made of. The mission I had was to find a solution to "fix" the matrice i found out pretty easely by literaly cheating (I implemented an algorithme in my mind to find solution in the timeline (something similar to a d-dos of reality (will exlplain if you ask)) then I tried to come back to normality but failed I was still in full psychosis so I did a suicide attempt by knife, which nearly worked, but my time ther was come to an end so I didn't die.

Then they put me an pshychiatric hospital on heavy medecine for geting me down, tow week later I had recovered, then I back in real life sorting all the shit I left undone for years. I just finally done all the annalising of what I exactly did and what it mean to the world, I may be responsable for something or two, but who knows i just may be a psy patient or the maitreya ^^

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>>18381918
You lost me here with the 20 years of torture I don't get it.
>>18381920
God told you your the only soul to be damned. lol thats brutal.

Existence is a dream. I define dream as a temporary manifestation of consciousness.

>Follow the bliss.

Enjoyment is the point of existence; looks like you took a wrong turn somewhere lol. :)

>>18382145
Well yes it is similar to a ritual in a way as it made me lose all my fears concerning this reality.

As long as I will be I can depend that my being is able to handle my reality to such an extend that even when I suffer I know why and have a reason to go through it.

But in hindsight it also eliminated a lot of the errors a human concsiousness often permits when dealing with spiritual processes. Things such as a bias or assumptions.

However the way I profited from this the most was by how I recovered from this. This is quite a esoteric thing but were on /x/ here anyways so yeah. I'm pretty sure that by experiences that triggered immense emotions in me in my time of recovery I was able to breach the veil between human concsiousness and the "source of creation" or call it god or whatever. I'm not saying my connection was absolute, from all I think it was merely a tincture of what is really there but I was able to feel a love wich not only cured me of my fear of punishment after death but also lead to me having a much higher standard for everything. As in a standard in a philosophical sense or even morally.

The other thing this did for me was disconnect me so much from the human concsiousness that I feel that I am not part of all the conflicts and issues that paralyze the collective human concsiousness. Wich gives me the opportunity to look at things from a much more abstract, wider and open perspective.

Also, I don't think you can "cheat" reality. It is in itself complete and whole that you can only achieve what you deserve because in order to achieve it you have to reach a certain level of concsiousness, to put it simply.

>>18382200
Well it's simple. I believed that in my second try I got captured by the Illuminati just as in the first. Then they tortured me for 20 years until I was 43. And then they let me die.

And yeah that was quite brutal, it was the hardest thing to realize that I was not deserving of that cruel fate. Not that anyone is.

And I do agree with you in a wide sense but do you mean human existence is temporary or existence overall is temporary?

>>18382205
I also forgot to add that the fact that I thought this amount of suffering would await me after death made me think of any human suffering as quite endurable compared to this.

>>18381895
I got psychotic two times in my life, both times for months. During those times, lots of truths were revealed to me that are hard to put into words. But in a nutshell, it felt like I were It, reality itself, and that everything around me was put there for me by my higher self, I could read the world around me like an open book, everything spoke to me or off me, and it all made sense. I can't remember anymore but back then I thought I had it all figured out, or was in the progress to.

In hindsight, it was a deep spiritual adventure, but a dangerous one at times, I also behaved batshit insane, and can't allow it to happen again, hence the antipsychotics I take. Still not so sure what it really was, something was teaching me something I think on a very unusual way and level-

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>>18382212
I mean any existence you are experiencing is a temporary manifestation of consciousness like a dream. Existence aka consciousness is permanent. Consciousness is the only thing that exists, you take your mind off of it what happens you go to sleep you go into the void but if you can maintain awareness you will witness the singularity of bliss. Its all a singularity of consciousness it just seems to be this and that. If you take it off the manifestation and only focus on the source consciousness infinite bliss will be experienced.

Way I see it its like only god aka consciousness exists and it tries to look outside itself but theres nothing there so all it can find is illusions, dreams of consciousness. Bliss is a very real phenomenon of consciousness but its like its too spread out into the manifestation. Everything is the delight of consciousness and according to what Ive read you need to merge the manifest with the bliss from realizing the manifest is the singularity. Im not there but I will be.

This religion/philosophy is from Kashmir Shaivism aka Trika Saivism summed up.

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i feel a control panel on the small of my back on my energy body, and a living being connected to it.
also, i was in a psych hospital for a while because my mom didnt like how i smoked weed and laughed at night[being an ascetic world-ignorer is hard in a family home, wish i could join some commune and just work with everyone for our own lives without any judgement if i decide to spend all my time smoking pot and giggling at the jokes the universe tells me.

anyway, before and while i was in the hospital, i had the inescabable belief that everyone on the planet and potentially everyone in the universe could and can hear my thoughts. people say what i thought shortly after i thought them, this happened a quite a bit before i went to the hospital. at the hospital, the staff would literally finish my thoughts as i was having them, and i kept hearing everyone saying "gabriel" repeatedly. around that time i kept thinking apologetically, things like "im sure theres some other universe where i can hear you just as clearly as you hear me now" and stuff like now, but im sure that probably would have just made people feel worse.

even as a kid i had a fear that people could hear my thoughts, usually just when i was alone with one other person in an enclosed space, i would think "can they hear me? for some reason, they must"

oh, i also feel a triforce on the back of my right hand sometimes, so thats strange.

>>18382232
Well let say when you got a psychotics episode you got an hint fo the way reality works

>>18382054
It is what it is and it is what you make of it.
If you have some great ideas for a chatroom where you can post pictures then go for it my man.

>>18382260
I do agree with your first section, it is what I have come to realize as well. Although I do not think that all concsiosness is temporary. I do think that there is a state of concsiousness that we are all in when we are not experiencing life as human for example that is permanent in a timeless way. I could go into detai but it wouldn't be vey useful I think.

I don't think however that concsiousness tries to look outward. You are right that only god aka concsiosuness exists, I like to name it the source or creative source. I think this source bases all of its creation on the fact that it is and therefore al being is based upon the joy of being. And as being always implies creation through perception it also bases all of its creations on the joy of creating.

Your bit about bliss is something I don't agree with though. From the highest perspective all being and all creation is bliss.

>>18382282
Thanks for contributing.

While I think that your statements sounds a bit linear and it seems to me that your values and ideals aren't quite as beneficial as mine I still value that you are able to create joy in your life with that sort of sovereignity.

Your psychosis itself sounds a little more normal to me, but I don't mean to diminish your experience.

I think if you want to improve your life you should perhaps work on you in relationship with others. It is better to develope a aproach of dealing with life in benevolent way than to ignore. That doesn't mean it has to be convential of any kind, you can create your own. You just have to believe in your ability to create. Wich is sadly something that is quite disencouraged by how society jugdes and all of that. I'm not implying that you are incompetent with dealing with life, I just wish to be of some service.

>>18382418
Maybe I didn't describe it right but totally agree what you said here and is what I was trying to say.

OP. I need to talk to u through email.

U just described the my exact experience from age 17-21... all the threats and losing control over your mind and 'god' speaking to u... being threatened for drinking or smoking... please email me at [email protected]

I know whats going on now and why it happens but not sure how to stop it.

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I think the essence of schizophrenia is what happens when you merge dreaming consciousness with conditioned consciousness. Its basically halfway to enlightenment and is not treated as such. If you go to India the enlightened are common yet over in the West you start to awaken and they lock you up and make you take drugs so you can't experience it. Shits fucked up!

>>18382478
I'm glad I was able to present it that well in your eyes, It is difficult with this sort of information,

I'm also glad to see other people coming to the same conclusions. We are all looking at the same source and the discovery of this opens up so many potentials for humanity.

This is actually what I focus the most on.
If anyhting in life service is the most important to me. It is what brings me the most joy and I'm so grateful for being able to experience life having a connection with this.
Service means to me that I focus my entire life on creating that wich is the most enabling of joy and well love. Sadly love as most humans think of it these days is like a parody of the actual love that exists and streams from the source.

But then again, how helpful is it to jugde those that feel about love in the "convential" way? Of course they are responsible for their being as a human, but it is a push pull sort of thing as they are also part of the collective concsiousness. Sadly most humans lack the awareness to begin changing their thought patterns and behaviours above a certain level. But instead of creating conflict or jugdement to deal with it, wich could be used as a tool to create positive change, but I am not willing to create any sort of creation wich could cause suffering concsiously.

There will always be a difference in perspectives but if we we can change our aproach at dealing from them. Thus I try to deal with them from a logical and most importantly compassionate point.

If there is anything that is important to me it is being compassionate for everyone. From fascists to pedophiles to christians. I will be compassionate for them unconditionally. It is not only because it is the greater good but because I recognize that we come from the same source and are the same being in fact. This reality is like a movie inside Gods mind where the individual does only exist within the context of the movie.

>>18382593
This is something I could go on forever really.

I think once you fully realise that the other is capable of feeling the same joy or suffering as you cannot create anything that does not respect this without being aware of it.

In the end you have to realize how god is part of you and see yourself in god to integrate "him" in your life and once this connection is established life is like a miracle.

I don't care if anyone beliefs me or not but I get such intense shivers and feelings of compassion and joy even in the most mundane moments just by concsiously working on my perception of others and realising more compassion for them. Often even my eyes tear up a little, even when I'm just driving on the bus.

I think to be able to do that you have to realize that your life is not segmented into parts but that you are always there and that it is the most rewarding and gratificating to use your concsious concsiously at all times.

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>>18382599
>intense shivers

;)

I know this isn't the precise thread to post this but i have schizotypal personality disorder and hysteria (I'm using the old term for a reason) most days I find myself believing that I'm a disembodied spirit who lives in an artificial environment of humans. I also believe in spirit possession which has caused me to become physically disable to where I can't walk but my reality testing remain somewhat in tact. so I diagnosed with a few hysterical disorders because it was revealed that I experienced childhood abuse. anyway, I've had some pretty intense experiences like spontaneous OBEs and the sight of form constants from nothing I also hear the voices of what I believe to be otherworldly beings who see me as their vessel to this realm. I know it's bizarre but I believe it anyway.

>>18382489
>f you go to India the enlightened are common

India is a shithole along with it's degenerate gurus