I'm sure that the first two words in this title are going to piss some people off... well, fuck off! We don't want your skeptical asses 'round these parts anyway.
That said, I was never an addict, nor diagnosed mentally ill, until the events of last summer...
The medications keep me sane by blocking off the hideous gnosis of memory. I drink and smoke to bring back the phantoms of memory and gaze in awe. I believe in a terrible God.
I wasn't always like this. But now I have proof of things that cause me to question if every part of our culture is built on lies.
I have always been a normal kid, no family history of any mental illness or addictions. Happy, healthy. I came from a Catholic family but loved science and watched the Discovery channel on cable growing up. I also read a lot of books.
I never rebelled too much, but in college I became interested in shamanism and occultism.
I was very much an agnostic at the time. But I was also taking heavy psychedelics and trying to see how deep I could go.
Well, eventually, I reached my unspoken goal, I went further than anyone I had ever heard of. And I realized with horror why no one could ever speak of this realm...
It simply isn't possible!
It was a crystalline kaleidoscope of fantastic machinery with infernal logic. I tried to improve the song it sang. It got angry. See? Nonsense...
Repressed under too much trauma. I'm afraid I couldn't speak it even if I could remember it.
There are certain rules to its game.
Anyway, I've retreated behind the haze of bud and booze since. Otherwise I am too haunted to sleep.
There is only one thing I remember for sure: I ate a pound of shrooms and made a deal with an alien. Demon, djinn, fae, whatever. Pray you never see one.
>>18299154
Aleister Crowley. Book of Thoth. Hermit.
I once did shrooms. Had a delusion of a succubus cuddling my mind helping me through the spasms and seizing. (First time I was doing it, I ate the whole bag...)
Also discovered something more. That existence is one, singular, lonely consciousness desperately trying to stave off infinite madness from the eternal isolation it found itself within.
The hurdles that must exist for God's... How could us mortals possibly jump such obstacles?
>>18299771
I feel you on this. Its still lonely as a collective consciousness. Existentialism hurts
You ate a pound of mushrooms and tricked yourself int to believe that your food poisoning revelations were real.
why.
This is why there's no such thing as a Catholic shaman.
Why would you think that you were brought up in a good environment if you were watching for-profit television as a child?
You can't become wise by doing drugs and taking part in social conditioning.
You never had a chance to understand it, you were raised christian, and went to college.
You were indoctrinated into numbers and messiahs since birth, and you can't afford to lose them, but you saw a glimpse of truth, and it made you realize the symptoms of your world, and the pathology of "God"