Requesting Reviews

First off, you're a fag for spamming your fics on /v/. Secondly, your Jill gangbang fic is not as good as Omega XIII's.

>She was like a paranoid conspiracy theorist who hadn't slept and had a fresh pot of coffee. Her head was darting side to side to side.
This line is super forced and reads awkwardly, a clearer phrasing would be, "[...]who had substituted another night of sleep with another pot of coffee." Even then it's not good. "Paranoid conspiracy theorist," is a cartoonish and verbose thing to draw comparisons with.

>She'd never been bitten or even swallowed their blood.
"She had never been bitten or ingested their blood." "Swallow their blood" sounds weird, as if she would ever drink blood. Ingest sounds accidental which is what it would be. "Or -even- ingested their blood," is a weird phrasing since being bitten is going to be a lot more likely to occur than blood getting in the eyes or mouth. You could change it to, "She had never ingested their blood or even been bitten."

>While she had been pondering the meaning of life, they had continued to sit and stare mindlessly.
The first clause is seriously overplayed and is not clever. Cut it out.

>They were never a cakewalk and she had it in the back of her head that they still weren't.
If she has never been bitten, especially considering the events of the first game, she would absolutely think them to be a cakewalk.

>Not as pleasant a feeling however, were their hands, they had all began pawing one specific area, one she least expected.
"Not as pleasant a feeling, however, were their hands, which had all began pawing one specific area she least expected." Grammar is not my strong suit, but I'm pretty sure there are multiple parts where you misuse commas.

>Their hands had focus and clarity mixed with animalistic ferocity, they gripped and pulled on them like no tomorrow.
"Their hands had focus and clarity mixed with animalistic ferocity. They gripped and pulled on them like no tomorrow." Another.

>>342908
>Secondly, your Jill gangbang fic is not as good as Omega XIII's.

Can't beat the classics, but thanks though famm. It's one of my older stories, but been trying to improve.