Could somebody help me punch up a story I'm writing?

Is this a joke?

>>319957

No, I didn't know where else to go for writing help and i got reviews saying that the story needed more to it

>>319960
Assuming you're actually the real author and this isn't some elaborate troll.

You need to learn how to actually write a fanfiction. This is arguably not fanfiction as much as it is just your own jumbled story with I assume Witchers thrown into it. I don't know, nothing about that has actually happened besides mentioning it in the first paragraph.

You have the vocabulary of a twelve year old, and the intelligence to go with it. You have no consideration for what you're writing, you just want to write about your OC being this super good looking, smart but young, witch. The story doesn't and really can't be taking place in the year you have it in. Yet it still does and you take that fact with no care. You have a little girl who just time traveled backwards and now she's saying "dude" and "yo".

I'm sure the actual plot of the story is arguable as well, but I've never played a Witcher game so I'm not the one to do it. Though, last I checked, those games didn't take place close to America or in the year 1776-1800s.

>>319968
It's not actually about the Witcher games, it's about Hamilton, the musical. She just happens to have magical powers is all. Also she wasn't a little girl, she was nearly an adult.

The fact that she's cool and smart is part of her character in the story, but thats not important.

I just need help with scene structure, not plot structure. The story is the story, but I just need help spicing it up is all.

>>319969
You failing to understand my gripes and trying to defend your shitty OC is a really big red flag.

For the record, your twelve year old grasp of the English language led me to believe it's about the Witcher because in your very first paragraph, it ends saying.
>grow up to be a hero and a witcher?

Your scenes are going to fall apart because the plot isn't going to hold them up. You can't spice up shit.

>>319970
Well if you're just going to be negative then don't bother commenting. If you have something constructive to say that is not an insult i'd love to hear it though. Also I'm not 12, thank you

>>319974
There is constructive criticism in there. You're just too blinded by your own story to see it.

Your character has no flaws.
Your vocabulary is weak.
You use too many anachronisms.
Everything has been very generic so far.
Arguably not a fanfiction

>>319975
In order for it to be constructive, there has to be suggestions on how to *improve* the story, not just pointing out the negatives of it.

How is it arguably not a fanfiction? It takes place in the Hamilton Universe with Hamilton characters in it and the main characters is the daughter of two Hamilton characters.

>>319976
You should be easily able to improve based off of what I've already told you.
But I'll bite your shitty bait.

>Your character has no flaws.
This is basic. Your OC you have presented to us is basically an all powerful god. Nothing bad can, has, or appears to ever will happen to her.
You can argue that her being a witch in that time period is a problem, but it seems like her life has gone splendidly and that has never been a problem. Then she goes on to teleport, fall out of the clear blue sky onto three witnesses, who ignore all of that because she's a cute girl.
Lets talk about that fall by the way, you're telling me a fifteen year old girl from the year 18something fell far enough to destroy a wooden cart and was still able to ignore the pain, stand up, and flirt with three random guys she just met?
Now to loop back to the her being a witch thing. It seems like her powers are limitless, instanaeous, with no rituals, preperation, or ANYTHING needed for them. What differs these powers from god powers?
I frankly don't even want to get in to how silly it is that three guys turn around because a cute girl told them to, and then turn back around and find a fully fixed cart and are COMPLETELY OKAY everything. All of this because shes a cute girl.
I really hope you see how stupid this is and that I shouldn't have to type this out to you.

>Your vocabulary is weak.
>You use too many anachronisms.

These two really go together. All of your sentences look alike and feel the same because your word usage is very limited. He said she said, they did this, they do that, they went there. E X P A N D. He exclaimed, she weakly muttered behind tears, etc etc.

You need to do some research into the year 1776, see how they actually spoke to each other. Check out the movie the Witch, it takes place in a similar time period and all dialogue is written to reflect that.

>>319976
This is not a fanfiction because fanfictions take place in an already established world with it's own rules

That's what I would argue.

>>319984
OK, that's better thank you. I dont appreciate your tone but I appreciate that your at least giving relevant feedback. But i dont think you get what Im asking for here...I just want jokes and scenarios, not a total rewrite. I'll consider what you said because some of it was geuine helpful but not exactly what I was hoping to hear. If you have ideas for jokes or things to add I'm all ears.

>>319987

I think it's fanfiction as long as you write with the idea of it being fanfic in your head. Anyway, if you have any ideas for something to put into the story Id really like to hear it

>>319984
Hey, I don't usually do this, but I'm a writer and I have a script I've been writing for a while, I'm only through one act, (40 pgs) but I love how no bullshit you are. Wanna tear it apart?

>>320019
I know your alking to the other anon and not me, but since your a professional writer, can you give me some feedback too?

>>320020
I agree wholeheartedly with the other guy, but I know that isn't what you're looking for so heres what I'm gonna go with: If you're looking for funny scenarios, or filler scenes, or whatever, they need to come from the characters, and you need to have strong characters. The humor you have in there is very wacky and surreal from what I've read, and I think you can get away with that, but you're not going to be able to pose any real threats to the characters this way, and nobody will take the story seriously. I think you should work on your characters, dive deep into their personality until you start developing signs of mental illness because you have another person in your head, and then let it come naturally. How does your character speak? Is she sarcastic? Is she an asshole? Is she really goofy? Can you counter this with other characters in order to create conflict or scenarios that they can engage in? Can you use these conflicts to create filler scenes? Can you write complimentary characters to enhance their personality and add funny scenes? Whatever it is, let it come naturally, and don't be afraid to counter your character. Instead of having the other characters immediately love her, make them angry, and then use this as a time to SHOW that she's nice and cool, rather than just telling us. This will fill up some space and allow you to develop your character. Make the cart owner so caught up in his broken cart that he doesn't care she fell from the sky. Make him an asshole like that, and then when she fixes it with Magick, make him be super interested in this because he loves card tricks or some shit (I don't know I'm just saying add depth to your characters and make it all make a little more sense). If you do all this, it will be easy to come up with new scenes because all you have to say is "What would this person do, and how would they react?". That's the best I can do. Have interesting characters so you can make it easy.

>>320022
Actually I haven't added the humor yet, that's what i was hoping for today. I mean the only joke I've made so far is the hold your breath line. The tone of the story is supposed to be dramatic and tense.
But thank you for giving me something to think about! That is really good advice and I'm glad you gave it!

>>320020
My favorite piece of advice I've heard was "kill your darlings". Or "nothing stays but the chorus". The point is, whatever you love about your story, be willing to scrap it. Whatever you love about your characters, be willing to look objectively and say "I like it, but thats shit and I can do better." 95% of creative work (for me) is self loathing and self awareness. Don't end up in a cringe thread. Cringe at yourself and then fix it. Good way to do this, read your dialogue out loud (I write movies and focus on dialogue, so let's just say dialogue) and listen to it closely. Does it make sense? Does it sound like something someone would say? Is it too much?

>>320029
The part where her drunk mother tells her about her father is clearly meant to be funny, that's the humor I'm speaking on. Glad to help. Captcha was Road Hamilton btw.

Also how did her dad die 32 years ago if she's 15.

For a fan fiction I think it's fine, because fan fictions fucking suck, literacy wise.

>>320036
>>320040
OK I did the math a little wrong, it should be 1806 and she shouldve travled back 30 years.
They reynolds affair was in 1791. Add 15 years, it's 1806, 2 years after Alexander Hamilton died and 30 years after 1776.

Also one of my fav authors started out writing fanfic and now she's a published author! Thats what I hope this story does for me or at least one of my stories

>>320052
Okay, cool I gotcha. I honestly do hope it works out for you. But if you want that, you need to get deep into this shit. You gotta make this shit your life. You gotta make these characters real. I'm fucking rooting for you, but spend some time on this.

>>320054
Thanks <3

I;m rooting for me too