>go to my local kinoplex to catch a FUN and RAUNCHY summer

Robert is tough but fair, that's why we love him

>>83343606
Should have bought a litre of cola from the pre-ticket-line concession stand

>>83343606
tybasedrobert

This is why I stay home and pirate.

>>83343606
>Guardians of the Galaxy 2
>walk into auditorium
>a sudden hush of silence in the air
>hear whispering
>"Mommy how come that ugly old man is by himself? Is he going to rape us?"
>find a seat in an empty corner
>movie starts
>Groot starts dancing
>nobody is laughing, which is really strange
>look around
>they're all staring at me
>movie pauses
>my phone starts ringing
>expect it to be mom since nobody else has my number
>it just says "Robert" what the fuck
>"Good evening, sir. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but it seems you are in the wrong room. Please exit the auditorium at once and make your way to the front lobby."
>pull ticket out of my pocket to double check the information because I'm pretty sure I'm in the correct room
>bullet streaks by, putting a hole through the ticket where it says the auditorium number
>"Like I said, it seems you are in the wrong room."
>someone throws a soda at me
>it lands on my lap, making it look like I peed myself
>"This loser peed himself!"
>Stacy #356 comes over and kicks me in the dick
>"Haha, I bet you enjoyed that, you pervert! Get lost!"
>run down the stairs
>trip and land in the manlet pit
>they start worshiping me for being 5'11"
>become king of the manlets
>they show me a secret passage
>a forgotten tunnel built by ancient miners
>walk, run, and crawl through the never-ending twisting path
>travelling for what seems like years
>take another step and slip
>the ground is completely smooth now
>sliding down for 15 minutes
>land in what seems to be an underground lake in a giant dome-shaped room
>this must be where the shower water is collected

This is it. There's no way out now. The water is filthy but still drinkable. And there's plenty of fruit so I won't starve. Maybe this is where I belong.

>>83343606
This will NOT fly. Every one of my FRIENDS (That's right brother, you're my friend) will ENJOY our lil dirty rated R beach movie. Stay positive bro, luv to u

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>go to see GoTG last tuesday, matinee tickets half off
>pay $40 and another $48 to renew my expired singles pass
>get inside and go to showers
>ohshitnigger.gif
>newly installed cameras so I can't put on my fake dick to get through the virgin scanner
>decide to navigate through the popcorn mines instead
>bigmistake.doc
>several hours go by and I'm lost in a labyrinth, stumbling over a sea of cobwebs and bones of dead virgins
>starting to get cold and my flashlight is running low
>can't even hear the sound of pickaxes and popping kernels anymore
>see a dimly lit cave
>inside an old man greets me, he tells me has not seen a human face in 28 years
>his virgin ID collar looks like one of the earliest models
>agrees to lead me to the exit if I can return with sour patch kids
>only brought $600 with me and still have to tip the ushers
>agree anyway and he leads the way through treacherous mountain passes and intricate cave systems
>hear barking
>its the virgin sniffing dogs, and they sound hungry
>start to run, but the old man is too slow
>he twists his ankle and falls, I go back for him but he tells me to go on without him, the exit is just over the hill
>reluctantly part ways with tears in my eyes
>as i reach the crest of the hill, all I can hear are the sounds of dogs ripping him apart
>his screams will forever haunt my memories
>finally get inside the theater
>sneak past the sleeping guard in the watchtower
>show my ticket and singles pass to the android gatekeeper and he suspiciously eyes me
>finally opens the heavy iron gates and lets me in after swabbing my mouth and verifying my birth certificate and bloodtype
>bomb and active shooter drills just finished, sit down in my seat to watch the movie
left halfway through, it was shit.

Why the fuck do all the other falcons keep trying to fuck my falcon? He's a proud member of his race, just a little bit small.

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>go to movie theater
>tickets are now $18
>pop corn and a soda is $14
>still no way to reserve seats at my local theater
>end up sitting next to a fat neck beard at the end of the aisle because all the seats are taken
>floor is sticky and trash everywhere
>previews are all bullshit remakes and last forever
>theater doesn't enforce no phones while movie is playing
>people won't shut the fuck up during the movie
>go to the bathroom after the movie
>someone sharted on a urinal

>be me
>get free tickets to Anvilfest 2016
>it's some sort of convention for anvil hoarders
>The Anvil Hoarder (1930) is going to be playing
>i enter the kino room
>i'm the only only there without an anvil
>the title scene wipes onto the screen & everyone begins smashing their anvils with hammers
>the noise is unbearable and there are sparks and pieces of crab flying everywhere
>one man lets go of his hammer mid air & it kills his wife's son
>a spark settles on a piece of chair upholstery and catches fire
>what seems like a second later, half the place is on fire and the exits are unreachable
>some realize what a terrible mistake they've made
>in their regret, they try bargaining off their anvils to other anvil hoarders
>i couldn't quite hear the replies but it as if many of them had too many anvils as it was
>by this point more than 3/4 of the people are charred, dead
>screams of "WHEN WILL I BE RID OF THIS ANVIL" fill the air
>i crouch in the corner, hoping to god I will be saved
>firefighters come in and I am saved
>i now have all these anvils
>have no idea of how to rid myself of them

>>83345334
>shit that never happened

>>83345334
>in my seat with my girl at the oriental in milwaukee for napoleon dynamite
>fucking faggots from the suburbs in the row behind me will not shut the fuck up
>casually lean back and say
Shut your fucking mouths.
>one teenage cunt snorts with contemptuous disbelief
>another somehow has the nerve to say
Dude, fucking relax.
>so i turn and grab the fucking faggot by the throat
>and i tell him
If I hear another sound from any of you, I'll shove something into your mouth at about 90MpH. It might be my fist, it might be my dick, but whatever it is, I guarantee you you'll never make another fucking sound again, you fucking bitch-made faggot
And then I watched the film in perfect and absolute silence.

>>83343606
>walk up to ticket booth
>it's a slow day so there's no line
>cashiers are standing around talking to each other
>ask for one ticket
>"Just one?"
>he smirks and rings me up
>"Will that be all?"
>ask him for a large popcorn
>he starts charging me for an extra large
>gives me a small cup
>it doesn't even have butter on it
>ask him to put butter on it
>"Oh, I'm so sorry sir, let me take care of that right away"
>looks at me right in the eye and spits on it

Fuck the cinema.

So I've been collecting all these memes, and this is what I have so far, feel free to add more! XD:
>no singles policy
>Robert
>cinema showers
>penis inspection day
>popcorn mines
>falcons
>tipping
>designated shooter
>hammocks

bumping reddit thread for $wagcunt

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>>83345328
>>83345681
>>83345708

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Start peeing now.

>arrive at kino-Gebäude
>All the workers are Robert clones, all wearing different outfits and hats
>Robert 2H-654, who is wearing an eyepatch greets me at the entrance
>"We are implementing a new identification system"
>are you fucking kidding me, last weekend I had to donate my left testicle to see Alien Covenant
>fuck it, I didn't drive 3 hours from my home for nothing
>Robert points me to the left, where a large gurney is lying underneath some sort of device
>They strap me down and secure my head, and they turn the device on
>"we need a brain tissue sample for all customers"
>big ass needle drills into my right eye
>they unstrap me and I head over to the concession counter to buy a large popcorn
>Robert says the popcorn is free, but he must impregnate my wife's son
>I say no
>He says it's already did it , and hands me the popcorn
>Finally get into the theater
>Baywatch starts playing
>6/10

>>83345328
Get out filthy critic

>>83343933
Uh... do you mean a large coke?

>>83343606
>>83345938
>go to cinema to see the new Baywatch
>there's a lineup going out into the parking lot
>they're starting to run out of tickets
>manlet cutoff gets raised from 6'2" to 6'4"
>can't get in anymore

They should have anticipated the increased demand and ordered more tickets. This was just so unprofessional.

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>>83345938

>>83345328
Oh boy, critics had their venom & knives ready . Fans LOVE the movie. Huge positive scores. Big disconnect w/ critics & people. #Baywatch

>>83346215
What a disgusting hideous cunt

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>>83343606
>go to local movie theater
>bring in a lot of candies I bought at the grocery store inside my pockets
>purchased ticket online, so I just show the guy what I printed out
>order a large popcorn (free refills) for like $7
>watch a fun film with friends, refill the popcorn like 3 times throughout so I definitely got my money's worth
>go to refill it a 4th time when leaving the theater, the clerk just laughs and says it's fine
Guardians 2 was fun, and I intend to go back and watch Pirates 5.

>>83345559
>I'll shove something into your mouth at about 90MpH. It might be my fist, it might be my dick
it's retarded but i snorted

>>83346161
>tfw 6'3"


fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

>catch the designated bus to the designated train station
>catch the designated train to my designated local Kinoplex
>walk up to the counter
>girl I had a crush on in high school is at the register
>"Hi there. How can I help you?"
>"One ticket to Wonder Woman please" I whisper under my breath
>"What? Sorry I couldn't hear you"
>I clear my throat
>"One ticket to Wonder Woman please"
>"Yep. Two tickets to Wonder Woman..."
>She smirks uneasily, its the smile of a woman who knows she'll be unemployed in six months when the Kinoplex goes under
>"One. I said one ticket"
>"Ok yep. Sorry about that. It's just that I've never really had someone ask for a single ticket."
>"That'll be $25.65 thanks."
>She doesn't realise that I already looked up the ticket prices before I caught the bus and that I know that a ticket is only $19.
>Smirk to myself with smug satisfaction
>"Actually tickets are only $19. I checked before I got here."
>She just blinks and stares right into my eyes
>She raises her hand up and points to something behind her
>There's a big sign with bold red letters
>'VIRGIN SURCHAGE OF 35% APPLIES TO ALL PURCHASES'
>My face goes red
>I pay the tax without any questions
>she hands me the designated ticket to my designated seat
>front row, far left
>"I think it's great that they're putting women like Gal Gadot in more positive roles for-"
>"Next in line please." She cuts me off
>I walk up to the theatre
>Robert is standing there waiting to rip my ticket
>He can see that I'm embarrassed and upset
>As he rips my ticket he puts his hand on my shoulder
>He leans into my ear and whispers
>"I made this all up. My local Kinoplex has already gone under."

>>83344973
Kino

>>83347562
Should have made this thread 4 hours earlier, when the Americans got off work.

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Which seat do you pick?

>>83347873
Kek

>>83347562

Robertposting is kino

>>83347882
The middle of the five seater so that any happy group of friends can't sit there

Most of these greentexts look like they were made by r*dditors

>>83346215
What happened here?

>>83345328
hothead critic detected

>>83348005
faggot

>>83347882
>couple seat

Wtf is this? No armrest in between for easy handy action?

>>83348130
or cuddling up with your bro, yes

>>83345681
crab legs

>>83347882
I would take the one to the left of that single couple seat in the middle. Then I'd start explaining the movie to her in the hopes that she'll be my girlfriend.

>>83348005
What makes you think that?

>>83348197
What if it's a guy?

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>>83344973
>(you)

>GOTG 2
>chosen to be the scene explainer
>got through most of the movie without any bumps
>Rocket says "Groot said welcome to the fricken Guardians of the Galaxy. And he didn't say fricken."
>standard pause
>spotlight on me
>everybody's waiting
>I explain that Rocket added the word "fricken" to Groot's statement to make it sound edgy
>they start laughing at me
>"He got the explanation wrong!"
>bull yells out "Ayo I think what actually happened is that Groot said fuckin' and then Rocket censored it. As in, I'mma be fuckin' your wife later tonight"
>more laughter
>"He doesn't have a wife! He's single!"
>there are people rolling on the floor now

It still keeps me up at night.

>>83348197
>single couple seat
It's probably just some guy playing chicken by buying half the couple seat - if the theater gets full, he has to sit next to a complete stranger with no armrest. If the theater isn't full, he gets a double sized seat

>>83344973
>>trip and land in the manlet pit
>>they start worshiping me for being 5'11"
fucking lost it

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how do you fail penis inspection day i mean honestly what a loser

>>83348228
I guess I'll be the girlfriend then.

>>83348284
If you're uncut and didn't clean the smegma in the showers

>>83343606
Should have had a piss fetish like all true fans and already gotten Lane ready to sit with you and perform the watersports ritual in the dedicated seats in the back so you and her would be prepared as a couple if Robert asked you to prove you're a fan.

>>83348363
If there was one thing the jews did right it was forced mutilation of a child's genitals. uncutfags btfo

>>83346692
Stay mad manlet faggot

I'm so sorry brother, the new rules are bullshit, if they raise another inch I'll be joining you, everyone is being watched

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>>83346720
7/10

>>83348422
I'll take needing to spend a couple seconds in the shower to wash my dick over a desensitized dry head tyvm

>>83346720
Robert is such a good guy

>>83345559
Made me shart

>>83347882
Are you the designated theater shooter? Probably near one of the exits.

>go to kinoplex to see baywatch
>Robert hands me my designated volumetric pissjug
>I ask Why is this only for the baywatch movie
>Robert replies: it's for all comedies now instead of box office revenue they are measuring the amount urine spilled during the showing opening weekend
>I explain I have renal failure and I don't pee, all my fluid gets removed via dialysis treatments
>Roger confiscates my singles pass and takes a photo of me that he pastes on the wall BANNED FOR LIFE
fuck my life

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Can I get passed the NSP if I bring a work dog? My local kinodome doesn't count falcons as people.

>local kinotorium is hosting a "Singles Only" showing of Wonder Woman
>my seat number is called for mandatory manual labor
>Robert is merciful and assigns me as a substitute theater shooter because one called in sick
>gives me a cheap .22 pistol and assigns me to Baywatch
>should be easy
>kick door open to a sold out auditorium, all staring at me
>my fly is still open after Penis Inspection from earlier
>crowd is a mixture of laughing at me and the movie
>get embarrassed and run out
>slip in a puddle of piss and shoot myself in the leg
>get my shower pass revoked for not laughing at Baywatch

Wonder Woman was alright.

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Is this a solution to the NSP?

>>83349307
I asked and I was told if I can prove I have had sexual relations with it they count

I just sucked my dog off once and took a video and I show it to the ticket lady and I haven't had a problem since. Pretty much worth it

>>83348480
>shabbos goy thinks he can get in to watch Shekelwood films without paying the foreskin tithe
Why is this allowed?

>>83349421
Sure in the same sense that a fucking whorehouse is a substitute for a loving wife. Goddamn soulless asians can't even do a basic kinoplex right.

>>83343606
>Spiderman: Homecoming debut
>they're letting singles in if they bring their hot aunt
>ask my hot aunt to come with me
>she laughs but agrees
>at the cashier
>grabs my arm and tells the cashier that we're a couple while staring at me to see my reaction
>start blushing
>rubs my face and says that we only need one ticket
>"I know where I'm going to be sitting" ;)

Never even got to see the movie.

What is the origin of the falcons and the crab legs?

>>83349582
The origin is someone posted it once and it was funny so it stayed around
what more do you want for your knowyourmeme article?

>>83345938
DESIGNATED PISSING ISLES

>>83349582
Next you're gonna ask where the anvils and manlet pits come from.

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hi can you please explain to me who is robert thank you yes i am new at this board :)

>>83343606
it's only fair. Critics just boil my piss, bro.
Sad to hear you missed out on all the FUN though! #litty

>>83349795
Never ask for someone to explain, lurk more, and kill yourself before it's too late

>>83349632
>go see baywatch
>can't fill the designated piss bag up to the full line, I know it's a month in the popcorn mines if I can't, so I try to pour my mountain dew in to pass the post kino pee inspection.
>Robert catches me trying to cheat.he releases the virgin sniffing hounds on me
>narrowly escape by jumping in to a garbage shoot
>it lead straight to the popcorn mines

>>83349560
You stole this post from me you sniveling coward.

>>83345681
Popcorn goblins
Anvils

>>83346215
girl go pee pee not something i want to see see

>>83345090
Will you ever go back to the sight if his death and plant the sour patch kids in his memory? Otherwise your kinoporium might be haunted.

>>83345090
Kek

>>83349874
being helpful is much more satisfying
>>83349795
he is the fine young black concessions man who warns you that the popcorn bucket is hot.

>>83345681
The manlet pits.

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>>83350380
Thank you very much please explain Anvils for me thank you :)

>>83349795
Robert is the kinomaster. The guy who controls the kinoplex with an iron but fair fist.

>>83345559
Ay I've been to that theater, it's great

can someone post the original falcon post

>>83351867
Are you literally trying to make a knowyourmeme article?

>>83352094
I wasn't, but now I'm not so sure

>>83353213
Why do you assume any of us even have the very first falconpost? It's not normal to share around screencaps of posts here, this isn't /r/4chan. If you want the original post you'll have to find it yourself by searching the archives for all posts with "pet falcon"

>>83353480
>endlessly reposting the same maymays that weren't funny the first time they were posted

>w-we're t-totally not r-reddit guys they'd n-never get this only us o-oldfags get this

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>>83353578
>wander into a community
>majority takes part in activity and laughs and has fun
>you sit alone in the corner moping about how said activity is stupid and you're the only one who knows how to have fun
maybe you don't belong here anon.
>>>/trash/
>>>/b/
>>>/v/
>>>/r/eddit
take your pick. have fun.

>>83353578
sorry you won't get that post for free reddit karma but please don't vent out on that other anon

>>83353578
Do you understand the difference between regurgitation and appropriation? The reason memes like cinema stories and baneposting have survived for years is because it's not just mindlessly repeating a phrase, it's appropriating a core idea to create new and creative content.
Of course a redditor like yourself can't comprehend this

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I remember reading one of these back during the cuckposting days on tv. Instead of seats there were black guys. Please post it somebody

>>83346212
God damn that image cracks me up. Ruins every thread.

>>83353991
Seconding

>>83348160
Absolute best for those platonic brojobs

>>83345328
Redditor critic detected

>>83345090
Kek

>>83345334
>$18
>can't reserve seats

What the fuck

>>83346215
neat

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>try to watch Baywatch
>Previews just ended
>suddenly alarms start ringing
>falcons freak out in every row
>ushers come in with the theater police and drag every single out
>had two points deducted on my kino license for violating the policy 6 years ago so they drag me out as well
>after going through the dark corridors I find myself at the bathroom
>Robert shaves my head and pushes me into the shower
>I clean myself quickly and nervously
>get pulled out and dried by the bathroom guard
>put on cinema soldier uniform
>drill sergeant comes out amd starts barking orders at us
>only understand half of what he's saying, something about raiding an enemy kinoma to finally end the war
>he makes us shout the theater pledge of allegiance
>I memorized it so I'm good
>we rush into a bus, picking up rifles along the way
>20 minutes later we arrive, but the cinema bombs force our bus to crash into the theater lake
>swim to safety pulling a guy with me, couldn't save a neckbeard that drowned
>shoot down some enemies and advance to a capture point, but get knocked out by their Kino General
>spend the next three months in the popcorn mines until they let me go
>movie I wanted to watch isn't even in theaters anymore
>suddenly wake up
>was daydreaming the whole thing in front of two Stacies before another movie was starting
>had reenacted the whole thing in front of them too
>they look at me and laugh

>>83345559
Shit that never happened, of course, but I had a good kek

>>83345334
You ever shit in a urinal, son?

>>83346017
>tfw watching a kino but I can hear the Robert clones starting an uprising

>>83346212
>forcing this meme

I want you and your little redditor party friends
>>83345708
>>83345681
>>83345328

to leave

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>>83345090
>its the virgin sniffing dogs, and they sound hungry

>>83348274
Haha awesome, good job man

>>83354450
not since you know what in '82
never been the same since then

>>83354574
I can still hear the screams.

>paleo-gf wants to go out tonight
>I saw we should go see Alien Covenant
>she's already seen it, says we should see "Pirates of the Caribbean XIIV: Johnny Depp poses for Pirate flick" tonight
>have to order a singles ticket because they don't count Asians as GFs
>show them the presidential pardon I received from Donald Trump as a thank you for my service reliving me of my virginity.
>they accept it warily but demand I go through processing while my gf stays in the pen with all the other Asians until I can be verified
>mandatory decontamination shower and penis inspection followed by a Meyers Briggs personality test before I can upgrade to a couples seat
>go back to claims in order to retrieve my gf
>drop my gay card while trying to find the claims ticket they gave me
>dragged off to kangaroo court and sentenced by a jury of stacy's to hard labour in the popcorn mines, 8 hours a day, for 50 years until I can retire
last I heard my gf was sold off to the Disney organ farms that sponsor the Kinoplex and provide it with its hotdog meat

>>83354423
Kek

bemp

>>83349307
You can, but falcons and dogs don't tend to get along. I've had trouble in the past.

>go to the appointed kinoplex for my province
>have to take a 3-hour bus ride to the popcorn trenches in front of the entrance
>I've brought my trusty AK, helmet, and a police jacket I copped from a fellow virgin who didn't make it last time
>the bus stops, and we step into the trenches, ready to advance
>a Falcon flies over, and gives us the lay of the land
>It's gonna be a rough fight
>all the other nameless virgins are praying that they make it alive to the theater before the show begins
>a whistle from our Squad Robert
>the onslaught has begun
>Anyone too scared to make it out of the trench in time is summarily executed

>As we cautiously make our way to the next popcorn trench to refill our buckets, a small object whizzes through the air, and smacks me in the face
>I look down
>it's a fucking butter grenade
>I kick it to the side, hoping to minimize the impact
>the force of the butter grenade launches hot, delicious oil over my brothers
>most of them within the blast radius don't make it
>I'm scarred, but I'll live.
>there's a few more on the ground, never launched
>I pocket one for the next time

>almost at the entrance
>I've collected the scalps of theatergoers to present as tribute for the entry Roberts
>I'm bruised, bloody, beaten, but breathing
>My movie begins soon
>The few virgins that have remained band together at the entrance
>I've become the leader of this squad
>we walk in together, and I confidently slam the theatergoer scalps onto the entry Robert's checking table
>he lets me and 3 others in
>the rest are shot on sight
>I choke back tears
>to the side, I see Chad and Stacey from high school walk in the non-virgin door, none the worse for wear
>Chad's wearing a Polo
>I want to make them pay
>I dig into my popcorn bucket, and pull a butter grenade
>"THIS IS FOR VIRGIN COMPANY"
>I lob the grenade, and sprint into the theater
>Chad's screams are music to my ears as I leap into the immunity cart to the top row

Baywatch sucked.

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>be me
>going to see the WILD and CRAZY blockBALLBUSTer of the summer with my gf
>got my express pass Elite Couples tickets in the mail weeks before after passing penis inspection in the top 1%, upgraded to Diamond class due to my Jewish gfs all natural DD breasts for examination as well
>push my way to the front of the line past some manlets trying to bribe their way through the 6'5 height limit
>make my way to the designated Kinoma shuttle but am told by a grovelling employee that due to new Affirmative Action regulations by President Drumph, a mandatory singles quota is now in place, and the bus is currently full of them.
>scowl and begin to leave before the employee tells be of the experimental Diamond Class teleporter they have now in operation
>think nothing of it and just want to get to the theater so I can fuck my gf in the couples only spotlit section
>she goes through the teleporter with no issues so I follow next
>feel an intense pain, thoughts of fear and loneliness grip my mind for the first time in my life
>step out of the smoking teleporter on the other side
>there was an error, I feel sick but check the console for information
ERROR: PRESENCE OF PRIMARY AND SECONDARY ELEMENTS, POSSIBLE GENETIC FUSION
>If primary element is Anon, what is secondary element?
SECONDARY ELEMENT: NOT-ANON
>computer, identify second element
SECOND ELEMENT: VIRGIN
>I step back in horror, already feeling the chances
>shout at my gf in terror to get away from me
>muscles melt away
>chin recedes back into my neck as greasy hair covers it
>penis retracts up into my body with only a small nub sticking out
>spine twists into an exaggerated hunch as I shrink to 5'2
>gf is crying as my stomach and man boobs begin to bloat out at a terrifying rate
>she tries to run but is not fast enough, is caught and absorbed by the terrifying pink mass of flesh, along with the other theatergoers, cry as i feel them wriggling and dissolving inside my horrendous bulk
>never got to see Baywatch

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11KB, 229x221px

>>83355362
>>I want to make them pay

>>83355456
most excellent

Blimpf

>>83355512
It's never the lines I write to be actually funny that get responses.

>>83349421
The plastic bag must be on?

>>83357803
you wouldn't want to hire a cum stained plushie after all

>>83355456
well done