Baywatch

It's not funny

all reviewers are gay

It's made for men therefore it's bad

>Remember Baywatch?
The 90s show about Lifeguards?
>Yeah! We're going to make it into a movie!
Why?
>what do you mean why? It'll be a sure fire hit!
What on Earth makes you think that
>Uh hello... hot babes!

>>83107177
Zac Efron

Comedies only get fresh scores if they're satires about racism by black directors.

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

DADDARIO FAGS BTFO

*breathes in*
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHA

As shown with the newest King Arthur movie, making something based off a random IP that no one gives two shits about does not mean it will be successful.

As far as I can tell, 21 Jump Street did well because it's a genuinely good movie. Baywatch looks like a pile of shit.

The only people who give enough of a shit to watch a Baywatch movie are like 40 or 50 now and those ppl don't go to movie theaters

>>83107177
Saw this coming.

The Jews are desparate


Any movie with the Rock is going to make money at this point.

Critics also hated King Arthur, look how (((bad))) that's doing.

>>83107177
Does the Hoff make an appearance?

File: 4783950456464[1].jpg (274KB, 612x611px) Image search: [Google]

274KB, 612x611px

>>83107571

KITT as well

>>83107414
Pretty much. The Jump Street movies succeeded because there was genuine talent involved. Baywatch is from the director of Horrible Bosses and Identity Thief.

>>83107177
Damn, I was gonna go see this.

>>83107784
>Baywatch is from the director of Horrible Bosses and Identity Thief.
But who wrote the script?

>>83107985
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Swift_and_Damian_Shannon

>>83107177
Beaches weren't ready

Anyone else getting tired of Dwayne Johnson?

>>83107985
>who wrote the script
Doesn't really matter. I mean it does, but it seems like every writer has bad credits and good credits, just like every actor and director and composer, etc...
I can't pinpoint what it comes down to, but all I know is that one (1) of the writers of Horrible Bosses also wrote for Vacation (2015), and another for Becker, so make of that what you will.

>>83108173
genuinely more charismatic than the vast majority of lead men in Hollywood, so no.

>>83107414
King Arthur is doing well though

File: 1492894889162.gif (59KB, 300x321px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 300x321px

>>83108028
>Exec 1: Hmmm, who should write the comedy version of our Baywatch reboot? It needs to be funny!
>Exec 2: How about the writers of Freddy vs Jason and the Friday the 13th remake? You know…those mediocre horror movies?
>Exec 1: Perfect. Fund it.

>>83107177
Baywatch is supposed to be Pg-13 soft core porn. Not a comedy

>>83108173
go to bed Vin

>>83108028
I don't know what to say about this.
Including them, Baywatch is credited to four other writers credited as "story writers".
Two of the story writers are from Reno 911, and the other two are from Norbit and The Smurfs.

So who actually gets naked in it?

>>83107177
Is that the chick from Inland Empire?

>>83107629
The Rock? More like the Pebble. How tall is Hoff?

>>83108299
>King Arthur is doing well though

>Budget: $175mil.
>Box Office: $94mil.

I liked the movie overall, but its a flop anon. It just barely made half of its budget back. But budget doesn't even include marketing costs and the studio doesn't get 100% of box office gross.

>>83108299
I thought it was on track to lose like a hundred million shekels

Heh

More like Michael Baywatch

Baywatch was popular back before we had the ability to pull up porn at all times using a little computer we carry around at all times. They were doomed from the start.

>>83108299
...are you high?

None of you guys are surprised by this right?

File: boy-with-downs-syndrome-giving-thumbs-up.jpg (68KB, 884x800px) Image search: [Google]

68KB, 884x800px

>>83108494

>>83107629
David is looking good for his age.

>>83108299
>Flop of the year
>Doing well

>>83108494
No and if you're making a joke, I honestly have no idea who you're referring to. Good movie though.

>>83108623
No. I do suspect it'll be very profitable though.

The Rock is a draw.

>>83107177
It's not out yet. Box office is all that matters.

File: 1447710580438.jpg (3MB, 2880x4320px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 2880x4320px

>>83107177
Most likely her pact with Satan

>>83107177
GOOD

If it has such a shit score it means it doesn't bend to todays standards (you know what I'm talking about) and critics dislike it for that.

I expect this movie to be hilarious.

>charming stars
>Hire two beefcake meathead mediocre actors as leads in a comedy
People thought Zac Efron was funny after Neighbors? Why? Because he said the bad words good? That's not humor. The trailer had no premise other than good looking people making sex jokes. There was none of the earnestness of the original Baywatch, just pretty people that were told they were funny by idiotic producers.

The movie looked like trash day 1. Alexandra Daddario is the only reason I'm even considering watching it.

>>83107177
Critics hated the original Baywatch too. And it was also the biggest show in the world for several years.

>>83107386
I'm looking at this bitch's filmography and this chick has not been in a single good movie. Like, seriously not even one good film.

>>83108462
Yeah it reeks of multiple rewrites and "polishes".

File: 1493250377755.jpg (70KB, 963x1010px) Image search: [Google]

70KB, 963x1010px

>>83108299

>>83108693
This. I can only assume this means the movie is sexist, racist, capitalist, and everything else the left leaning movie critics hate. Can't wait.

It's weird the trailers seemed mediocre like it was just going to be another flick but it's actually THAT bad? I kinda want to see it now.

File: daddario inland empire.jpg (29KB, 850x460px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 850x460px

>>83108651
>>83107177

>>83108747
Yeah but she showed her tits and puss in True Detective.

>>83107414
both movies are probably money laundering flicks

File: chips.jpg (203KB, 1024x1024px) Image search: [Google]

203KB, 1024x1024px

>>83108693
>>83108770
Alternatively....

>the women are given thankless, almost interchangeable roles as love interests and swimsuit models.
>Sports Illustrated regular Kelly Rohrbach plays the Pamela Anderson character, though “character” is a generous description
>The swimwear couture hasn’t moved on since the 90s, either: cut so high at the hip you wonder if there was a lycra shortage; unzipped at the front to show maximum cleavage.
>Even Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra, the underused villain of the piece, looks like she was contractually obliged to show as much flesh as permissible.

>The only exception to the beach-body fascism is a podgy, techie nerd (played by Jon Bass), who somehow makes it on to this “elite” team (no prizes for guessing if his dreams of wooing Rohrbach, perhaps by displaying levels of heroism nobody hitherto suspected, come true).
>The comedy bar is set low early on when he gets his erection trapped in a sunbed, prompting a prolonged, desperately unfunny scene of penis-related public humiliation

File: 1466589819907.jpg (2MB, 2319x3000px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 2319x3000px

>>83108778

File: 1482403560586.jpg (263KB, 1200x1800px) Image search: [Google]

263KB, 1200x1800px

I mean...where's the black lifeguard? They have this perfectly good white girl and no black male love interest? weak...

File: Alex tits.webm (382KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

382KB, 1280x720px

Gay ass reviewers

>>83108950
I'm so happy cuck posting is finally running its course. Come on man.

File: 1493389783561.gif (71KB, 320x180px) Image search: [Google]

71KB, 320x180px

>>83107177
>15%

File: alex beach please.webm (444KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

444KB, 1280x720px

>>83108950
>>83109042
Can she stop showing off her armpits?

>Instead of mocking the period, the humor seems stuck in it. There are a lot of corny, uptight gags about big breasts, or straight guys accidentally touching or kissing each other (eww, gross!). The idea of Efron going undercover in drag is supposed to be hilarious. It isn’t.

>This is not your father’s “Baywatch!” is the usual promo line for something like this. Wrong again. Actually, this is your father’s “Baywatch.” Just duller, and dirtier. And now $15 at your local theater.

>>83107177
Boobs haha! Boobs bouncing!! hahaha!

>>83109147
This sounds great.

File: triggered-600x524[1].png (311KB, 600x524px) Image search: [Google]

311KB, 600x524px

>>83107177
>gay jokes
>physical fitness
>attractive white people engaging in flirtation and sexual activity with each other
>republicans

>>83107177
>15%

Jesus christ she's done for

File: 1495097363155.jpg (97KB, 765x1041px) Image search: [Google]

97KB, 765x1041px

>>83109147
So they gave bad reviews because homosexuality is viewed in a negative way and big tits are viewed positive. Got it. Will definitely go and see it.

>Dwayne Johnson And Zac Efron's 'Baywatch' Is A Laughless Disaster

>The picture has nothing to say, either about the show on which it is based or anything else of value. The likes of Dragnet, The Brady Bunch, 21 Jump Street and (to the extent that this counts) Galaxy Quest offered varying degrees of mockery directed at their source material while also providing sharp commentary about just why the property was appealing to the masses.

>Baywatch has no reason to be based on the television show aside from the brand name and gains nothing by its quasi-meta existence as an R-rated farce based on a straight-faced action drama.

>Despite a nearly two-hour running time, the film feels chopped up, with evidence of copious deleted material and too little screen time for too many of the major characters. If you came for anyone other than Dwayne Johnson or Zac Efron, you're probably going to be disappointed.

>Efron's character is the only one with an arc (the lifeguard tryouts mainly exist for Efron to show off his abs while Daddario looks on and lusts)

>It technically takes the Baywatch brand quite seriously and often plays like a straight-faced episode of the old show. The only reason that it's a comedy is because the tone is light and the characters throw insults at each other and occasionally do a pratfall. I wish I could tell you that Baywatch is somehow offensive, but it's an odd R-rated comedy with the sensibilities of a G-rated kids' flick.

>>83107414
>21 Jump Street did well

Which is exactly why piece of shit movies like Baywatch, CHiP's, and every other re-booted piece of garbage get made.

Audiences are retarded, and they know it.

They're just not as retarded as they might think....but they are indeed retarded.

>>83109395
>If you came for anyone other than Dwayne Johnson or Zac Efron, you're probably going to be disappointed.

welp. /tv/ won't be seeing it.

File: 1471504813650.gif (2MB, 250x220px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 250x220px

>>83107629
>KITT as well
Please tell me this is a joke

>>83109395
>>The picture has nothing to say, either about the show on which it is based or anything else of value. The likes of Dragnet, The Brady Bunch, 21 Jump Street and (to the extent that this counts) Galaxy Quest offered varying degrees of mockery directed at their source material while also providing sharp commentary about just why the property was appealing to the masses.

Implying it was intended to be a parody. Which it was not. Implying Baywatch requires parody. Which it does not.

Fucking Generation X writers and their followers and their requirement for everything to be a deconstruction or satire makes me want to punch a wall.

>>83109395
Lmao
>The Rock 2020
Trump curse strikes again.
JUST

>>83109500
Woah bro. Don't forget to be meta too.

>The big-screen version of Baywatch peaks early with its silliness right in the opening credits: A stern-looking Dwayne Johnson saves someone while dolphins high five each other with flippers and a title treatment hovers heroically in Godzilla-sized type.

>Unfortunately, nothing after that is as lovably ridiculous in this new paean to the 1990s Z-grade TV hit with David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson.
>This Baywatch has its share of hilarious moments but never fully commits to the absurd, and even the cleverest jokes get so many callbacks, they’re beating a dead seahorse.

>A scene where Mitch, Brody and Summer investigate the morgue Scooby-Doo style is one of the few times when Baywatch really shines.

>A lot of the humor just doesn’t connect and tries way too hard, from one dude getting his junk stuck in a beach chair to a running gag involving salad. Chopra, whose villainess seems bored by the whole situation, would rather be eviling it up in a James Bond movie

>This flick might be bigger than the original Baywatch — from the production budget to its stars' muscles — but lacks the cheesy fun.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2017/05/23/review-baywatch-movie-dwayne-johnson-zac-efron/102011794/

>>83109042
>>83109124
>>83109374
Thank you semen demon. I love you semen demon.

File: alexandra-daddario_wonder-woman[2].jpg (491KB, 784x1100px) Image search: [Google]

491KB, 784x1100px

Baywatch triggered libcucks in the 90s. You could argue it had a lot to do with influencing the generation of SJWs we have today and their worldview. So that it gets roasted by the critics is no surprise.

>>83108028
Movie is written by:
Mark Swift
Damian Shannon
Jay Scherick
David Ronn
Thomas Lennon
Robert Ben Garant

I don't know much about movies. Why do they need so many writers?

>Baywatch operates on the assumption that we will never tire of hearing Johnson, atop his towering wall of weathered masculinity, belittle the pint-size Efron and his ab-obsessed vanity.

>The assumption proves valid. A running joke calls for Johnson to refer to Efron as a boy band or boy toy (N Sync, One Dimension, Bieber) and it works virtually every time.

>Their banter is the crux of this lazy but sometimes likable comedy, one with elbow room for supporting players – John Bass as a chubby nerd lifeguard and mercy hire who has a stuttering crush on an out-of-his league colleague (swimsuit model Kelly Rohrbach), and Hannibal Buress as a tech nerd.

> Baywatch, for all of its jiggle-show appeal, was a tame program, and too often this adaptation assumes that adding vulgarity for contrast is can’t-miss stuff. No matter how many times it misses.

>Here’s the sort of scene that defines Baywatch: Efron in a morgue looking for evidence on a dead body and leaving no area unexamined. There is full frontal corpse nudity, which I mention in case you were thinking of making this a family outing.

http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/movies/zac-efron-between-the-rock-and-a-hard-place-in-baywatch-20170523.html

File: 1495416647968.png (89KB, 600x606px) Image search: [Google]

89KB, 600x606px

>>83109716
>Hannibal Buress

>>83107177
it was shit

>>83107177
This is parental advisory

>Full frontal male genital nudity: - "The scene shows Mitch playing a terrible prank on poor Matt when he tells him to check a dead man's naked body for evidence of a crime. The runnning joke has Efron handling the corpse's penis and scrotum and even lifting the organs up and out of the way so he can examine the skin area underneath"

>While there is no female nudity of any kind, many female characters are in bikini's. There are a few instances where covered female breasts are shown bouncing. Cleavage is also present throughout.

>There are also many male characters topless with nipples exposed in swim shorts showing developed upper torsos with rippling muscles.

That's what's wrong

>>83109863
As bad as Fist Fight?

>>83107177
Sounds like the cast had chemistry but the script was horribly written and just plain unfunny.

>>83107362
>hot babes
>all of their tits combine don't equal Pam Anderson's bust
should have seen it coming.

THE PUBLIC WANTS FAT TITTIES

File: roastie_appreciation.webm (3MB, 610x524px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 610x524px

>>83107177
B-but how could this flop?

>100% of people want to see it for tits
>show not only zero tits but full frontal male nudity

really polishes my peanut

>>83110126
who goes nude? im guessing the fat guy?

>>83108747
Neither has the Rock

>>83110126
people watched the original baywatch for tits because internet porn wasn't as easy/huge as it is today no one will watch this for tits now because you can get better, naked tits on your phone in less than 5seconds for free

>>83110344
>now because you can get better, naked tits on your phone in less than 5seconds for free

Yet people sit on /tv/ and jerk off to non-nude clips from tv shows and photos of actresses.

>>83109147
Sounds like shit

>>83107414
>King Arthur is a 'random intellectual property'
Can ameritards just commit collective suicide please.

>>83108521
>How tall is Hoff?
6'4"

wait the women dont look like flat boys?
dropped.

>>83109500
>he's literally defending this trash for his waifu's honor

Critics are brain dead. This was going to be a brain dead comedy from the beginning. Look at the source material. Muscles, tits, and ass. They try to grade every movie like it's supposed to be the next great drama. They're retarded. It's a fun comedy.

File: 1495482362177.jpg (31KB, 413x395px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 413x395px

>>83110495
>The Rock is listed as 6'5

Should I see this or wait to watch Wonder Woman with my sister?
I was really hoping this would be good.

I'm waiting for Armond White's review

>>83110681
WW if you're definitely going to see one. This is probably something to pirate.

>>83107177
Was there ever a question that it wouldn't be a pile of shit?

>>83110604
>They try to grade every movie like it's supposed to be the next great drama. They're retarded. It's a fun comedy.

Pretty sure the biggest complaint going around is that its ISNT a fun comedy. No one is saying it should have tried to be an oscar winning drama

>>83107177
>Baywatch

That's where it went wrong

>>83108173
The rock is the new Arnie get rekt

>>83110681
Wonder Woman. But I rarely have the desire to see comedies in theatres.

>>83109395
>baywatch isn't a parody of baywatch
Oy vey! What a disaster! How dare anyone do something silly without the shield of irony!

File: 1446338819143.webm (3MB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 1280x720px

>>83107362
>hot babes
>Dwayne Johnson has more curves than all the women in the film combined

It's not 1992, fridge shaped generic roasties do not satisfy the public's desire for X T R A T H I C C

>>83111045
thicc is dying though,

>>83108462
Probably a make work job.

>>83107177
Homely young tit pig with no screen presence.

>>83110761
>>83110865
God damn it.
My wallet will thank me though.

The Rock is obviously on HGH. Why isn't anyone calling him out on it?

>>83111130
Is it? Imo it's getting pretty big (heh).
Although that might be just the internet, as irl i don't know anyone dating thicc girls desu.

>>83111045
who is this

>>83109691
One or two guys come up with the initial story and script. Other writers come in to do rewrites. Then more come in to fix multiple scenes. It's what happens when the original is shit and you throw numbers at the problem.

Did anyone ever think this was going to be good?

>>83111438
Not really. Will probably make money because The Rock.

>Guest Star (Acting), Guest Performance (Original Song), and a Minor Plot Poin in Guardians of the Galaxy 2
>Cameo in Baywatch

is this the Year of the Hoff? Knight Rider reboot when?

>>83108850
This is starring a bunch of nobodies though. Baywatch is The Rock (hate to use this term but certified Alpha Male) + a bunch of hot women in bikinis, plus comedy that reeks of not caring about being PC. Critics are going to shit all over it, but people don't understand just how good Dwayne Johnson is at selling trash and rising above critics. He's been doing it since his first day in WWF.

The trailers made it seem like it was going for that 21 Jump Street tone where it's almost making fun of the original show, but apparently it's just like the show except with R rated humor added in, which is pretty shitty as you can imagine

>>83109042
what god forsaken fucking wasteland is she posing in

looks like a beach in england

File: 1329899465636.gif (498KB, 262x200px) Image search: [Google]

498KB, 262x200px

>>83109042
>>83109124
>those demon eyes
my dick is still confused about them

>>83107386
>*breathes in*
>HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHA

You're trying to create a meme from an already unfunny comedy cliche in the overlong laugh

You're unoriginal and unfunny.

Baywatch? More like suicide watch

>>83107177
is this the end of the rock political career?

who's really behind this?

>>83111130
Found the boy shaped roastlet

>>83111298
What is HGH? Quick run down pls.

Zero (0) shots of Daddario's feet in the entire movie

File: puke.gif (3MB, 480x270px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 480x270px

>>83111045