The King of /tv/ trashes Alien: Covenant

>he panders to Millennials whom Hollywood considers attention-deficit-disordered and unfamiliar with anything before video games. Scott milks the franchise, disguising craven greed as pseudo-artiness. The Covenant’s “diverse” crew (male, female, white, black, American, Middle Eastern) become cannon fodder in an intergalactic update of Ten Little Victims.

I love this guy

>>82939487
what a buzzword master
the only thing left for him to say is that he's reddit

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>>82939487
>Graphic artist H. R. Giger’s vision of a biomorphic-mechanical monster, which was ingeniously derived from William Blake’s poem “The Tyger,” serves as a now-fashionably-sacrilegious allegory. Covenant’s captain (Billy Crudup) is a believer. Doubted by his team and pushed to his Christian limit, he suffers man’s fall from grace. “There’s nothing you can do — nothing,” he is told when praying over a crew member’s dead body.

>Lacking originality, Logan and Scott emphasize dread; they degrade the first film’s evolutionary mystery (which Jean-Pierre Jeunet also explored in the exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection). Alien: Covenant mocks man’s relation to God, starting with its opening scene of cyborg David (blue-eyed blond Michael Fassbender) confronting his inventor. When asked “What do you believe in?” robotic David (named after Donatello’s statue now housed in a futuristic laboratory-museum-penthouse) answers “creation” as smoothly as Hal 9000. Alien: Covenant is not just hackneyed, it’s brazenly diabolical — stupidly so when trading William Blake for Richard Wagner and trite Nazi allusions. Doesn’t Scott realize how, in recent months, Antifa has made all Nazi references meaningless?

>>82939487
>anything before video games
When was video games?

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>>82939605
>Had ultra-hack Scott dropped the simple-minded goose-stepping implications, Alien: Covenant wouldn’t seem so insultingly indifferent to today’s ideological turmoil. It might have achieved a Blakean vision of hell (hubris gone too far, as Mel Gibson depicted in Hacksaw Ridge, where roiling action and the specter of death affected its hero’s consciousness). Instead, Scott strikes an atheistic pact with Hollywood’s culture warriors who demean Christian theology; he pulls out that penile-squid monster for predictably spooky, grisly appearances (vagina dentata and then some) to create the film’s inane shock effects. So far, Alien: Covenant is the year’s most obscene Hollywood undertaking.

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/447756/ridley-scott-alien-covenant-inane-obscene

>>82939487
>he panders to Millennials whom Hollywood considers attention-deficit-disordered and unfamiliar with anything before video games
Hollywood is right on this one though

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>Gay male sexual practice now gets demonized in mainstream media from Stephen Colbert’s indefensible and unmistakably offensive political satire joke to its cheap-thrill equivalent in Ridley Scott’s Alien: Covenant.

>Both use a sex act as an image of perversion. Alien: Covenant uses it, and its implicit inversion (the old way of disparaging gays) when Michael Fassbender seduces himself. He plays the duo role of an android named Walter assigned to Covenant, a U.S. spacecraft charged with colonizing new intergalactic territories and David, the android left over the 2015 Alien sequel Prometheus. The two blue-eyed blond clones meet face-to-face and both automatons (each elegant, brainy and effete) act-out the series’ theme of perverted biology. They inquire into each other’s nature, seducing themselves through using a phallic musical instrument.

>Walter and David discuss embouchure, the positioning of tongue and lips upon a woodwind or brass instrument. Musicians use the technique, connecting mouth to object, without muscular strain and for full musical expression. This pantomime (not as crude as Colbert’s “cock holster”) would be the sexual innuendo of the movie year—as memorable as Lauren Ball teaching Humphrey Bogart how to “blow” in To Have and Have Not—except that Scott, like Colbert, uses it to revive homophobic revulsion.

>>82939487
I have no idea why this board pretends to like this retard. He just sounds like a /tv/ poster, oh...

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>>82939716
>Given the erotic undercurrent of all the Alien movies (where the monster is a representation of sexual repression) Fassbender’s fellatio scene is not a mere coincidence. It continues the series’ unique representation of sexual phobia—from the threat of a phallic weapon to a castrating vagina with teeth. The fiend initially bursts forth from men’s chest cavities, as much against the law of nature as the old American Psychiatric Association’s old restriction against homosexuality as a mental disorder.

>Alien: Covenant revives that slur as crudely as Colbert did when he got caught up in political hatred and revealed his own hidden yet deep-seated homophobia. His “cock holster” joke was the opposite of gay alliance, using male-to-male to suggest subservience and lack of power. Colbert was as self-serving and self-centered as the monster that Scott unleashes with grisly, repugnant, boring predictability.

>While the roles of Walter-David evokes Fassbender’s big-dick porn-star brazenness as seen in the film Shame (with its notorious, homophobic gay sex club scene) it turns the good actor’s erotic appeal against him and his fans.

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>>82939739
>The David android is named after the famous Donatello statue that for previous generations represented refined gay eroticism. But Scott and screenwriter John Logan (who wrote the quasi-gay Broadway play Red) go far past discretion. The two Fassbenders portray gay self-loathing—“ No one will ever love you like I do” one says to the other. Each challenges his doppleganger to the point of committing a killing, a gay-phobic suicide. The doubled sameness plays out the difference between sexual and anti-sexual. In the first Alien, Ian Holm’s android Ash displayed a quirky, disturbing fondness for hetero porn. Viewers may reject Alien: Covenant’s display of gay self-loathing. The token female heroine Daniels (Katherine Waterson) is no compensation; she’s meant to update Sigourney Weaver’s great role as Ripley except that Waterson comes off as petulant and calculatedly butch.

>Alien: Covenant reveals today’s troubling and unsettling sexual and political confusion. Any filmmakers or comedians who demean an act of love to win gay assent through ridicule and aspersion are not allies. They represent the progressive era’s neo-homophobia.

http://www.out.com/armond-white/2017/5/19/why-alien-covenant-sucks

>>82939729
Because he's right. Notice how redditors like you can't ever disprove him, just spout memewords like "contrarian" or shit like that

>>82939778
>Because he's right
About what? This is all just about opinion, he just comes off like an exceptionally asspained tryhard.
>Notice how redditors like you can't ever disprove him
Pulling out rebbit already?
>just spout memewords like "contrarian" or shit like that
His entire fucking review is a collection of memewords you dumb faggot.

>>82939828
I don't believe you read it.

>>82939487
>WAHHH MILLENNIALS!! WAHHHH VIDEO GAMES!!

>>82939900
He even complains about antifa LMAO

>>82939487
who is this nigger? didn't anyone tell him that we WUZ kangs? it's past tense.

>>82939915
antifa are cunts though

>>82939867
>hackery
>ultra hackery
>pseudo-artiness
>wahhh millennials
Just throw in "glib facsimile" and he would be a 13 year old fedora /tv/ poster.

Is this why you like him? He's a self-insert?

>>82939960
Please don't make a fool out of yourself.

>>82939828
>About what?
About everything all the time
>Pulling out rebbit already?
Everyday until you go back
>His entire fucking review is a collection of memewords you dumb faggot.
No, it isn't

>>82939915
What does antifa have to do with complaining about all millennials like some gen x disgruntled fuck?

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>>82939605
>exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection

>>82939983
You haven't said anything that makes me think you read more than the first few paragraphs. Do you have trouble focusing? Did the "millennial" comment cut just a little too deep?

>>82939828
Just more buzzwords from you.

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>>82940002
>teehee he's right about everything all the time!
You sound like an actual child.
>rebbit rebbit rebbit
Ugh.
>there are no memewords in his review
If you take "ultra hackery" seriously, then you are far more autistic then I anticipated.

>>82940081
>buzzwords teehee!
Just get out.

>>82939961
>>82940023
BASH
THE
F A S H

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>>82940073
>trying this hard to pretend to sound smart
>"ultra hackery" is a term that an actual adult used.
Do you snort loudly and go "oh yeah, got em" to the wall whenever Armond says a meme that you think is smart?

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>>82940085
>teehee
>Ugh
>implying scott is anything less than ultrahack

>>82940184
At least I don't separate my responses to different people into different posts. Seems kind of disingenuous.

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>>82939770
>The David android is named after the famous Donatello statue that for previous generations represented refined gay eroticism
Please tell me nobody here unironically listens to him.

>>82940248
>implying scott is anything less than ultrahack
Well, he's not.

>>82939605
>Doesn’t Scott realize how, in recent months, Antifa has made all Nazi references meaningless?
>>82939716
>Gay male sexual practice now gets demonized in mainstream media from Stephen Colbert’s indefensible and unmistakably offensive political satire joke

he goes on /pol/ to find edgy arguments like this to put in his reviews, doesn't he?

>>82940268
Fucking what?

>>82939487
this guy is such a blowhard.

Only got the job because he's an uncle Tom, makes literally everything political, barely even mentions the movie in between his massive rants about those damn kids these days skateboarding on his sidewalk.

Put him in white skin and he's just another Internet fedora using big words to try to hold popcorn movies to artistic standards they never even attempt to reach. Like some wannabe book critic he desperately tries to bring maturity to an art form that is inherently mass appeal garbage, unable to cope with fact that the only reason anyone cares what he has to say is because hes talking about movies that he hates watching. It's literally just as bad as a feminist making everything that happens about feminism, or a /pol/tard making everything about jews, this guy is a one-note tryhard that needs to put down the thesaurus. He appeals to pseuds that likewise enjoy garbage and think that a higher level of discourse somehow makes their garbage smell any less like the garbage it is. He's basically using the wrong tool for the job.

How can I put this into metaphor:
He's using a violin to play punk music He's using a rifle to hunt mice
He's bringing a gun to a knife fight
He's killing a fly with a SAM missile

You get the point. Bringing a real gun to an airsoft war doesn't make you better than the guys with airsoft guns, you're just a try hard that can't fit in with other real gun nuts and so you hang out with airsoft players so you're cool by comparison. Like how british comedians that were nothing come to the US and are suddenly famous, or how older kids in primary school hang out with younger kids because the people their age won't associate with them.

Arnold is basically all of those things and he gets away with it because he's black

>>82939770
Faggotry is both sick and unnatural. Calling this nigger a nigger insults street level jive talking dindus. He's an intolerable faggot. And a confused one.

>>82940277
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_(Donatello)
Ctrl+F "homosexual", because I know you struggle with ADD.

>>82940342
Feigning ignorance isn't a good look. Just don't respond next time.

>>82940382
I know what Donatello is you retard, Armond's ststement on "refined eroticism" was hilariously silly to write that it can't be serious.

>>82940382
>.m

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>>82940325
He retweets Thernobitch and PJW and followed the /pol/ news network.
What do you think?

>>82940414
You are complaining that I am responding to different posters?

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>>82940311
no you

>>82940277
>this statue doesnt look like its ripped out of some trap doujin and polished over
He's even standing in an effeminate way

So basically, Armond is saying that the new Aliens movie treats the younger audience it knows its going to pull in like idiots, says the movie is predictable, and reprimands it for using scenes with gay subtext in an effort to try to gross out it's viewers. Am I caught up?

>>82940344
>makes literally everything political
Only when he writes for the National Review.
His OUT reviews make literally everything about homosexuality.
Man's a genius with the pen.

>>82940422
It was applicable, definitely not deserving of the bland mass of insults you're spouting out.

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>>82940464
Forgot my pic

>>82940471
>His OUT reviews make literally everything about homosexuality.

like this review?

is he gay irl or what?

>>82940464
>He's even standing in an effeminate way
Maybe not everyone is worried about anything remotely feminine somehow tangentially making you feel emasculated?

>>82939487
I unironically think Armond White is a better reviewer than Ebert ever was.

>>82940449
Keep it to one post, unless your intent is to fill the thread with your terrible opinion.

>>82940503
Yes, he's literally a nigger faggot.
Also he wrote a review for Alien:Covenant for both National Review and OUT, read the thread.

>>82940503
duh

>>82940496
>It was applicable
Maybe if you are a pseudo-intellectual who thinks anything about that line wasn't hilarious. Sure.

>>82940532
>woah, teehee based Armond!
>you are the one obviously with shit opinions
Kek

>>82940510
I agree, I should know, that doesn't bother me. But if you look at the donatello statue and tell me this guy's size B breasts aren't a little gay, I'll ask you to look at it again.

>>82940566
For someone who doesn't like buzzwords, you tend to use them a lot.

This guy only reviews based on the contrary opinion. I thought Covenant was getting trashed by mainstream critics so he'd like it

>>82940344
this

pseuds that wanna seem smart are attracted to Arnold like a fly to a lightbulb.

>>82940654
He agrees with the Tomatometer ~50% of the time.
Not a contrarion.

>based armond triggering redditfriends again
Why don't you defend this shit movie with actual arguments for a change?

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>>82940500
Woah yeah, what a faggot amirite? Alien Covenant is all just an allegory for anal sex! Based Armond! *tips fedora*

What a glib facsimile.

>>82940594
I think they call that a "strawman"

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Reminder

>>82940344
who is Arnold?

>>82940626
It's "gay" because you are projecting that onto the statue since it doesn't conform with "less effeminate" modern sensibilities in depictions of men.

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>>82940712
Also

>>82940682
just as soon as Arnold tells me something wrong with this movie using an actual argument that is actually relevant to a movie. Everything to him is a super smart reference only he knows about, every fault is some sort of deep-seeded social issue, every single theme is some sort of Hollywood conspiracy. He's virtue signaling to alt-rights so hard I'm surprised you guys don't take offense to how blatant it is.

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>>82940682
>taking anyone seriously who calls Armond "based"
If I was to call anything reddit-tier...

>>82939487
You know Armond is right when you see all the triggered redditors.

>>82940688
Wat?

A movie has to do better than just "lol theyre talking about skin flutes haha get it cocks" to gross me out

>>82940800
>...
Please leave.

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Scott is a fucking hack.

>>82940806
Yeah, that's exactly why everyone thinks Armond is a retard. It must be le rebbit boogeyman.

>>82940771
You still haven't said anything that argues against his review or defends Covenant.

>>82940712
I wonder if Brody gonna review Alien Covenant too.

>>82940626
If it doesn't conform nowadays, you can probably agree with me on the fact that it didn't conform with the general populace's views of what "gay" is and isn't during the time period it was made in.

>>82940858
>>Yeah, that's exactly why everyone thinks Armond is a retard. It must be le rebbit boogeyman.
First of all, not an argument. But even then, half the thread is people largely agreeing with Armond.

>>82940825
He didn't read the review, just wants to spout out internet jokes.

>>82940860
>argue against an opinion on a flick
No obviously Fassbender is some sort of meta allegory of the statue of Donetello and a subtext for refined eroticism...

How could I be so blind?

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>>82940911
>half the thread is people largely agreeing with Armond.
Kek, if you say so samefag. It's a meme to like Armond seriously. But it's summer I guess and that is as far as you got with your "how to post on 4chan" macro you found.

>>82940901
This was meant for
>>82940740
sorry about that

>>82940826
Aw, did I trigger you?

>>82940771
He's a confused nigger who happens to be a faggot. But reading his Jewish fictitious faux pas insults my sensibilities cleverly. So you see I ain't mad because any day now he's gonna get fag Aids and die.

>>82940901
But what is your point then?

>>82940761
this is unironically true

King Armond right again, and redditors still chime in here with their regurgitated excuses.

>>82939828
>hurr just an opinion
Classic go-to for people without intellect.

The reasons for opinions can be logical or illogical. Illogical reasons are discarded, logical and sound opinions are kept. Nothing is actually subject. You knew that, right?

>>82939487
>Ten Little Victims

A sly nod to Agatha Christies 'Ten Little Niggers'

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> hackery in action.
>Ultra-hack Ridley Scott

Jesus Christ no mercy guns blazing in this one

>>82941192
>Nothing is actually subject.
Opinions on art are literally only subjective you brainlet. There is no objective opinion on a film. You can talk about technical or structural work, but in terms of aesthetics, there is nothing beyond subjectivity.

I hate faggots like you, since this is a just a song and dance to make you personally feel like your opinions matter more than necessary. People who make that shit argument usually tend to be people exceptionally sensitive to cirticism or require validation. You can't just settle with having your own subjective opinion, amirite?

>>82941192
>Classic go-to for people without intellect
But it is all opinion you tard.

>>82940925
Maybe he is. You've said fuck all to disprove the claim.

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>>82941192
>he we go with the "art can be objective" kid in every thread.

>>82941411
I'm not here to disprove an opinion. It just seems like an extrapolation out of nowhere to me, like he's making some grand comparison to classical antiquity to beef up his "review" in between spouting memewords.

>>82941039
My point is that the statue is effeminate, if we're not going to say it's "gay". The caricature is lean and tone, as opposed to rippling with muscles. This makes sense, because David defeated Goliath not through strength, but with the power of God (did a little research). His physique clashes with the sword he's holding, I'm not sure he could pick it up by himself. Regardless of what your opinion is, Donatello could have made him the image of masculinity, but chose not to. Instead of giving him a bulging muscular chest, he preferred soft looking, even almost supple looking breasts.

I'm painting broad strokes, but from your point of view, what is "manly" about that statue? Other than the fact that this motherfucker took down a giant

>>82940800
Armond has been king of /tv/ long before you arrived reddit.

>>82941317
>>82941359
>Opinions on art are literally only subjective
Nope. Given a metric, any piece of art can be judged to be better than another piece of art for any given framework.

>in terms of aesthetics, there is nothing beyond subjectivity.
Science is and will continue to prove this objectively incorrect with every passing year. Everything in this universe can be parceled out and quantified. Why do you think beauty or art would be any different?

>I hate faggots like you, since this is a just a song and dance to make you personally feel like your opinions matter more than necessary.
Nope. It's to clear the space of irrational, moronic, uninformed, illogical garbage opinions from 'brainlets' like yourself, in fact. I'm perfectly willing to defend all of my views against everyone, and cede when i'm wrong.

>You can't just settle with having your own subjective opinion, amirite?
There no opinion is actually subjective, no I'm not willing to believe something untrue.

>>82941484
I'm saying that you are attributing the statue to be "effeminate" because you are contrasting it with your own sensibilities....hundreds of years later. You were spot on about the David and Goliath thing. You ever think that the reason he is "effeminate" is 100 percent due to the nature of the story? And not some "hur durrr Donetello is faggot" that some other anon said?

>>82941428
see >>82941554 you anti-science dummy

>even in a further million years of human technological progress, science will NEVER have beauty or art quantified
Morons actually do believe this? lol

>>82941554
>Nope. Given a metric, any piece of art can be judged to be better than another piece of art for any given framework.
Stopped reading after this ridiculous bullshit, since it's tired and just flatout wrong. You can't objectively quantify aesthetics, especially with a metric.

This is usually a phase people go through, as I have never seriously met an adult like this.

He reminds me of college debate teams being forced to argue a point they obviously don't agree with.

>>82941554
>science is and will continue to prove this objectively incorrect with every passing year.
But it doesn't?

>>82941648
>even in a further million years of human technological progress, science will NEVER have beauty or art quantified
Your argument is literally 'HURR NOPE'

You're laughably, shamefully stupid. Dunning-Kruger personified.

>>82941593
Yes, because art will literally always, forever, until the end of the human race, only function through a subjective lens.

>>82941692
Because it has never been true about art...ever. What a retard you must be.

>>82941692
>You're laughably, shamefully stupid. Dunning-Kruger personified.
Anyone even remotely intelligent knows what makes something subjective and what qualifies/functions as subjective. Art is one of the few things that can't even function in objectivity. You understand that, right?

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>>82940311
its surreal to see that there are still "people" defending this hack

>>82941692
>can you quantify things like beauty and art? You know, things that change and evolve over time based on changing cultures, attitudes, beliefs and morals that shape art over thousands of years?

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>>82940325
>>82939716
>>82940464
>>82940503
Literally a faggot who got triggered because his gross mental illness was used to disgust viewers.

This is Liter?lly shit you would hear from tumblr.

>>82939605
>...Jean-Pierre Jeunet also explored in the exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection)

Fucking Christ

>>82941891
Considering the fact that 60% of men are gay or bisexual, that seems accurate.

>>82940712

That doesn't look like Pauline Kael. Who's the last one?

>>82941891
Wait, is Armond gay?

>>82941576
I dont think anyone here called donatello a flamer, especially not me, wherein I'm assuming you're still the same anon I've been speaking to. Regardless of how, why, and what I perceive femininity to be and how it takes shape, I'm simply stating that other anons, much like myself, can very easily be lead down to the conclusion that this caricature is a little "gay", precisely because of those sensibilities that have been ingrained in the culture and society of the time period it was made in, all the way up to our current time. You can't change my mind on the matter that putting B cup breasts on a boy, giving him long flowing hair, the ass of a latin woman and having him thrust his hip out with a hand on the other side isn't the complete opposite of what the stereotypical idea of a male masculine hero is. Donatello knew this, and considering what was going on when this statue was unveiled, he knew it was going to garner this type of reaction and debate among people (like you and me!)

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>Waaaah this black man is critizing my favorite franchise make him stop.

I want nu-/tv/ to leave now.

>>82942054
>literally not what is happening

>>82942029
>can very easily be lead down to the conclusion that this caricature is a little "gay"
I just explained this...

>>82941931
Paglia

BASED

>>82942079
It clearly is, considering redditors cant dispute his accurate review so they start to bring unrelated shit of his personal life.

>>82942210
>redditors
>accurate review
What is it like living in a delusion?

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>>82941991
http://ew.com/article/2014/01/13/armond-white-kicked-out-of-ny-critics/amp/
>He’s a gay African-American...
D R O P P E D
R
O
P
P
E
D

>ITT all these vocal faggots who hate on Armond without providing any relevant argument other than 'hes a buzzword spouting contrarian'

>>82942116
I know you did. And I'm telling you Donatello made the statue, in such a manner, that it would garner this debate out of people like you and me. Is it feminine? But its just a boy? But its not what my sensibilities bring me to believe a hero is? But it still looks like a girl if you took away the genitals? We can go around in a circle like this all day.

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>>82942264
>Donatello made the statue, in such a manner, that it would garner this debate out of people like you and me
No, he didn't.

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>>82942250
So you are saying nu-alien is good and Scott hasnt become a hack?.

Woah, the first guy to say something in defense of millenials, He truly is a contrarian.

>>82942264
>my modern sensibilities dictate what I think masculine men look like, so Donatello (hundreds of years ago) made his statue to adhere to a sexually ambiguous problem I now have in 2017
Holy shit dude

>>82942366
Donatello leave this thread and get back to your grave, you batshit insane old man.

So no, seriously, why did he make David like that? Why make him nude?

>>82942430
See
>>82941576

>>82942421
The idea that this statue looks feminine isn't something someone came up with in 2017 my friend.

>>82942384
He's seriously only made one outright bad film.

>>82942495
Right, but you are missing the point.

>>82942421
Male and female physiognomy have not changed since 1480. Do you think that if transported to the 15th century you wouldn't be able to tell men and women apart? This particular David is exceedingly young and boyish. If anything, it's more pederastic than LGBT gay.

>>82939529
>The Covenant’s “diverse” crew (male, female, white, black, American, Middle Eastern)
Middle eastern? Who what where.

>>82942702
Riz Ahmed

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>>82942630
>Do you think that if transported to the 15th century you wouldn't be able to tell men and women apart?
Holy fucking shit you are dumb. It's about how masculinity and femininity (and what defines them) has changed or been modified over time. Cultural sensibilities aren't stagnant. Men wore makeup sometimes, some men aspired to be thin and less muscular, even fucking potbellies were hot and "masculine" in England only a short time ago.

He stayed up all night writing this clickbait. He has to put food on the table for he and his boyfriend. He's the bull and he's expected to provide in exchange for the man-booty.

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>>82942452
So why was this statue controversial upon reveal in the 1400s? Why was this statue put in it's place instead?

>Almond is gay

Dropped.

>>82943103
>So why was this statue controversial upon reveal in the 1400s?
I don't think it was as controversial as you think and if it was, it just reinforces what I said. Pretty sure it was made before then right?

>>82939739
Why the fuck is this guy trying so hard to shoehorn in potshots at Colbert? I like BLONL KROMPFT alright but the author's mention of him is overdone and not even relevant.

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>>82943597
>I like BLONL KROMPFT alright
Then you have autism.

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>>82943597
TWOOOO SCOOOOPPPPSS??!?!?!?!?!

>>82943658
It's never been funny.

>>82943597
He's a dick-gobbler, they're extra-sensitive.

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>>82943688
wrong.

>>82943795
>being this asspained where you spend hours animating and editing this.

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>>82943933
sounds like someone never got two scoops as a kid

>>82941706
>>82941735
>>82941769
Nothing is actually subjective. It's simply harder to quantify.

The reasons you like something are ALL ABLE TO BE QUANTIFIED. They are OBJECTIVE.

In the same way nothing is truly random, we science simply can't know all variables. Yet.

>>82944065
not him but this meme is painfully unfunny

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>>82944278
>Nothing is actually subjective. It's simply harder to quantify.
Art is subjective and literally only works if it is. So no, you are wrong. This has always been a juvenile as fuck point.
>The reasons you like something are ALL ABLE TO BE QUANTIFIED.
No, they aren't.
>They are OBJECTIVE.
No, it's not.
>In the same way nothing is truly random
You are comparing apples to oranges you brainlet faggot.
>we science simply can't know all variables. Yet.
Aesthetics have never had any objective variables. Ever. At all. During the entirety of the human goddamn race.

Art can't be objective by its very nature and function. Go fuck yourself kid. I hope once your balls drop you realize what a fucking tard you sounded like.

>>82944278
>Nothing is actually subjective
Here is an asy experiment to prove how fucking stupid you sound. Hey man, what's your favorite movie? Oh, I hate it.

There you go. The end.

>>82939487
Millennial autismos hear a brash nigger deriding something they hold dear. It's just like spending Saturday with stepdad Tyrone when he went off on your anime collection. Playing that intro at full blast didn't make him think you was cool,it just woke him up and he was having sizzurp withdrawals.

>/tv/ now agrees with someone complaining about something being homophobic

What the hell happened

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>>82944278
Tell me, do you like this? Well under your logic, if I hate this and you like it, you obviously aren't following a correct metric. It's obviously not an arbitrary metric, trust me. It just so happens to fall in line with my own sensibilities. You just don't get how I am quantifting art the CORRECT and ONLY way. So you have to as well. Otherwise, you are wrong about your own thoughts and feelings.

See how autistic that all sounds?

>>82944655
>calling someone a broad insult like "millennial" means something

>>82944737
People grow out of being ironically homophobic, anon. Usually after high school.

>>82944827
Hit close enough to home for you to reply

>>82945075
Replying doesn't take effort, kiddo.

>>82945088
Caring enough does. Are you fag for me or something?

>>82944737
I didn't know Armond was gay but this just makes me like him more.

>tfw so contrarian you realize heteros are sexual hacks and penises are for patricians

can't wait for his scathing review of female genitalia

>>82945202
>everyone who responds to me is butthurt and exactly who I am insulting
Come on now.

I may disagree with Armond's views on a lot of movies but he is the only critic I know of who actually criticizes movies. Everyone else strings together a pool of 5 cliches based on whether they liked it or not. Each one of Armond's reviews is specifically tailored to the movie he's discussing.

>>82939487
Has nobody here actually gone to out.com to see what kind of website it is

>>82944737
>>82944737
We agree that it makes Colbert a fucking hypocrite.

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ULTRA-HACK

Alien and Aliens were shitty popcorn flicks for teenagers. Stop trying to market them as horror masterpieces.

>>82945738
No we don't, retard. The joke is only funny if you get the political subtext. It doesn't disparage Trump as gay, it disparages him as someone's bitch.

It was a harmless joke that you reactionaries clung too for the outrage points and r/the_donald upboots.

>>82946003
>all it takes to come off as a "serious" film critic for /tv/ is to say grade school-tier "ultra, mega, supa dupa hack" shit.

>>82946112
>it disparages him as someone's bitch.
That's still incredibly sexist and homophobic

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>>82946136
>>82945932

>Ultra-hack

Kek

>>82946175
The joke doesn't work as homophobic. You can maybe make a weak argument as sexist but both are a stretch.

I thought only your liberal boogeymen got offended over jokes?

>>82945711
His out reviews are much better than the stuff he writes for National though.

>>82946183
If you unironically use language like "ultra-hack", you are a fucking child. An actual child.

>>82939605
>the exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection
my fucking nigger

>>82939716
>Lauren Ball
Who the fuck is Lauren Ball?

>>82946272
or an old gay black dude

t.b.h. I found your comment to be a crass and shameless commentary on the well-meaning, homespun patois of /tv/'s collective consciousness. I give your post zero stars and might even go so far as to label you a hack poster. If I was a say one good thing about your post, it would be that the pièce de résistance ("unironically") was playfully ironic itself, perhaps a little too self-aware nod that might go over the heads of some readers. Some will say that it went over my head, but I'm honest enough to say that it just didn't work for me while the critics all faun over this ten-scores in a lifetime event. These zero stars will stand the test of time.

>>82946471
lauren bacall
typo

>>82939487
im wondering if this guy browses /tv/ his opinions always align with the majority here

>>82946702
we can't really know if he's /ourguy/ unless he starts reviewing feet and has good opinions on them

>>82946003
>>82946197

I been saying this for years. Where are my kekyous?

>>82946702
Who do you think posts these threads. Ask yourself if outside of this board you have ever in your life heard mention of him.

>>82946702
it's not hard to shit on this movie, I think everyone saw it coming from the trailers alone

have you idiots even watched the fucking movie? the david statue shown at the beggining of the movie is the michaelangelo one. david the android is a "giant killer" for killing the "giant" engineers. And yet you idiots keep spouting the homo-erotic bullshit arnold kept saying about the film.

Childhood is believing Alien is Ridley Scott's best film. Adulthood is realizing it's really Kingdom of Heaven.

>>82946702
> /Tv/ finds contrarian nig to fellate
> Nig with a life finds group of fat homos to pander to

Yeah, that sounds like it. Idiot.

>>82946250
I can believe it, he's a contrarian but it's usually a refreshing take just because he disagrees with everyone. Goes to show though, 4chan stops being homophobic the moment they find themselves agreeing with a gay

>>82941991
Yeah but it's only for attention. I mean I bet he sucks the odd cock every now and then but only to legitimize his stance.

>>82947001
>Adulthood
>Kingdom of Heaven
No, that's senilehood.

>>82947001
Childhood is believing that Ridley's first film wasn't The Duellist
Adulthood is realizing he was a two-trick pony that never did anything of that caliber ever again

>>82946224
I'm a nazbol. I have a problem with Colbert's shilling for US imperialism, not his homophobia or his Trump bashing.

>>82947201
The fuck is a nazbol a type of gender?

>>82939716
>David is a homo
>not David is a Psychopath
Maybe Armond "Boy Tickler" White was picking up gay vibes, along with many others on this closeted board, but the way I was seeing it was David was trying to trick people into trusting him so he could use them. As the opening pretty much makes clear David does not know what love is because he was never taught it by Guy Pearce. He uses his creativity and his supposed closeness/'love' to Shaw to remove suspicion from himself, but David has been alone too long because not only does no one really seem to trust him, except I guess the Neomorph, everyone else seemed wise to his act. Except of course the Captain who needed to be stupid to help make another action scene and wake up the audience so they can clap for the Xenomorph.

>>82939641
>Instead, Scott strikes an atheistic pact with Hollywood’s culture warriors who demean Christian theology
I like Armond and all, but calling a film so blatantly alluding to Milton "atheistic" is fucking retarded. So is automatically equating Wagner with Nazis when it's very obviously referencing the fucking Nibelungenlied.

I guess classic poetry isn't his strong suit.

>>82947001
Good taste my dude.

>>82947001
The only time that a movie has truly been saved by a Director's Cut.

>>82947603
>not batman v superman

>>82947001
You mean extended cut?

>>82947685
That literally just added a few more scenes with Clark Kent. Aside from that, it didn't add to the overall story in any way.

>>82939770
>The David android is named after the famous Donatello statue
He's named after Michelangelo's David, which was explicitly shown in the opening scene. How do you confuse arguably the most recognizable work of art ever made with an entirely different statue?

>>82947877
>something that any 3D printer can remake now
>the most recognizable work of art

if it was that recognizable he wouldn't have got it wrong

>>82947877
Ha this!

He's the ultra hack.

>>82947877
Because the reviewer is an idiot and people here are gobbling up his "review" so they can confirm their biases.

>>82947924
It was shown only briefly and it was recognizable.Only an idiot would have gotten it wrong.

>>82948027
you're the idiot, bitch

>>82940436
Based Armond, true king of /tv/

>>82947032
>he's a contrarian
I disagree with him a lot with his view but I don't think his that much of a contrarian as people make him it out to be.

He'll do his usual shtick if something is super hype like Get Out or Toy Story 3 but he can admit when a popular movie deserve it's praise.

I mean for all his shitting on Pixar he did like Inside Out.

>>82939487
This guy writes like a PhD but retweets the dumbest mongoloid knuckle dragging trump tweets. I'm not saying there can't be a good, smart argument for trump, but he promotes the stupidest ideas

>>82948058
Spoken like a true idiot.

>>82947924
Or maybe he and you are ultra brainlets.

>>82948316
>tfw to intelligent too waste memory space on shitty naked dudes statues

>>82948108
>I'm not saying there can't be a good, smart argument for trump
There never has been. It only ever devolves into "whatabout Hillurreee?

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>>82948352
fag

>>82940436
Based as fuck

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>>82948469
cringe

>>82939487
Damn, why is Armond so based? I love this guy.