FORCED $EQUEL$ MOSTLY DESTROY FILMS

>he saw this movie even though he knew it would suck

what were you thinking OP?

11. When landing on water, teleport your crew to land, but make it look like they walked on water, Jesus-like.
12. While on alien planets that are covered in over-sized, seemingly GMO mutated "wheat" (that can be confirmed by the vagrant bum you employ as an ad hoc 'merc'), ensure to wander off into no-man's land and then obligatorily split up ASAP.
13. If one is suddenly feeling ill, looks more jaundiced than a George A. Romero zombie, and is perspiring like they're in the throes of an Ebola fever, always deny anything is wrong--if queried by your suggestible, credulous botanist.
14. Always fondle alien, poppy-like flora that's actually fauna, and inhale any spores that it may emit.
15. When problems arise -- whether from above actions or otherwise -- switch instantly to a state of utter catatonia, by discarding any and all training you may have had prior to qualify you for your position and interstellar space fairer-cum-colonist.
16. When crew members becomes sick during such treks, and begin to vomit blood, rush them back into your ship -- ensuring to never don any protective gear while ushering them.
17. Be certain to lock any such individuals into medical rooms with their handler/s.
18. After witnessing what looks like an alien exorcism gone horribly wrong, instead of leaving the hapless, affected party / parties in this cursory quarantine, grab a giant firearm -- preferably one that defies technological advancement toward miniaturisation and ergonomics -- and re-enter what's now become a clear bio-hazard; suffice to say, sans requisite equipment, safety gear or precautions in case of a mishap.
19. When inside said 'death chamber', channel your inner Benny Hill.
20. Subsequently (if you haven't already been turned to strewn innards), stumble about like a drunk lunatic; making certain that any communication you have with crew members, is all but unintelligible--so that no one can possibly make head nor tail through your insane, inane shrieking.

21. When you're rushing back to your landing craft to tend to the emergency, never run -- walk -- only -- but always convey to the head case on the other end of the sound power, that you're in fact hurrying back as fast as you can.
22. Of course, your protracted trek into the wilderness should only take but mere minutes to backtrack over.
23. After ambulating back, with Jason Vorhees expedition, to within sight of your landing craft, and upon seeing it erupt into flames, THEN start running towards the conflagrant carnage.
24. When entering what looks like a giant, Minus-Morgul-like mausoleum -- of which the forecourt of is littered with what looks like victims of the Pompeii earthquake -- and given the opportunity to inquire about anything concerning your circumstances, always first ask where the 'roof' access is.
25. Fear not the lone, Sith-like being, all alone on this eerie planet, who seems to reside in some massive shrine to death -- he is surely there to help you.
26. Future synthetic anthropoids (*all male) will be programmed to become homo-erotic, when left alone together.
27. In approximately a century, humans will devise nano (?) technology that can 'carbon freeze' entire populations in an instant, but their firearms will still look like they're from the video game Doom... 'cause bigger is better and fuck logic!
28. If you spot some tall, hellish monstrosity, reminiscent of Silent Hill, seemingly communing with the shadowy figure that has led you to his sepulchre sanctum, shoot it immediately -- even if entreated to do the exact opposite.

29. If invited by your new Dracula-channelling host, to venture down into some dark basement or cave, and you start prodding and poking at some strange, fleshy, egg-cum-over-sized-flower-bud -- that is pulsating and which then opens to reveal something reptile-like -- slithering around, parturiently inside an amniotic sac -- put your face right up close to it, for a better look... especially if said, snide, sinister-looking 'Nosferatu', goads you to do so.
30. Faced with imminent death, with your last words, ask what faith the 'engineer' of your demise is -- this is of great import with respect to the subsequent 'religious coup de grâce'.
31. If alerted to your entrapment and need of immediate escape, split up to find party members that are likely long dead, before saving yourselves.
32. Synthetic anthropoids can regenerate, near-instantly; even if they have had some vital component wrest from their body.
33. Latter model synths do not fight as well (despite boasting of their "upgrades") as older models, and are prone to obvious distractions--which can allow for one to easily turn the tables on battles that are seemingly fait accompli.
34. Mechanical construction arms, so heavy that they unbalance the space crafts they come with, can nab agile Xenomorphs in their teeth--mid-air--à la Mister Miyagi does flies, using chopsticks.
35. A human tied to a harness, and who is then hurled around by spacecraft, as if a meaty yo-yo, will incur no injuries whatsoever.
36. Xenomorphs explode very easily -- even to the point of spontaneous combustion.
37. Xenomorph blood -- normal highly acidic and capable of burning though multiple hulls of a space craft -- will not affect materials used to make construction equipment.
38. Xenomorph blood will not burn humans skin / flesh much more than scolding water does.
39. 'Face-hugger' Xenomorphs can implant their 'seed' within seconds, with no outwardly noticeable effects to their hosts... before the hosts 'give birth'.

40. De-pressurising a cargo bay in a space ship takes mere moments, and even less than a vastly less capacious cabin.
41. A synthetic can mimic the appearance of an earlier model, with little more than a hasty hair cut and halal hand lop.
42. Advanced computer brains on spacecrafts of the future, cannot tell the difference between synthetics--unless the volunteer their ID name/numbers.
44. Synthetics aren't particular smart or good at carrying on a charade; and they have especially bad poker faces, when it comes to giving false re-assurance to even the most obvious questions.
46. Contrary to popular belief, it possible to make a film that is worse than Prometheus.
47. Alien was the only good film in the titular series.
48. Aliens was the canary in the coal mine for its franchise of films.
49. 'Prometheus 3' will undoubtedly bury the franchise for good, in a pauper's hole of ignominy.
50. Thank God opportune scheduling that Scott did not direct Blade Runner 2049.

>Post-credits scene:
51. The reason Ridley Scott's brother's committed suicide, is now all but a 'case closed'.

>>82811344
there's "bad" (e.g., Alien^3), then there's "BAD" (e.g., Prometheus)

...then there's "KYS FROM SHAME, LIKE YOUR HAPLESS BROTHER DID, YOU SENILE OLD CUNT!!"

>The reason Ridley Scott's brother's committed suicide, is now all but a 'case closed'

Why drinking the hateraid my anon bro?

was there actually a post-credits scene?
i just got up and left as soon as credits started rolling

>46. Contrary to popular belief, it possible to make a film that is worse than Prometheus.

not possible.

Well at least this movie is producing fresh OC here

Let's be absolutely clear here. is it really WORSE than Prometheus?

That's some pretty heavy JUST

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>>82811753
>was there actually a post-credits scene?
>i just got up and left as soon as credits started rolling
same... whilst gesturing, subcontinental style, to drop a bog onto the cinema floor

>literally

who cares either way, given the eventual trilogy is a literal 'SW prequels' tier joke now

the Plinkett review is all I'm interested in...

>>82811412
Gun design is actually really hard to do well. Hollywood always fucks it up.
>Eh, it's a gun whatever

I'm guessing they reused pulse rifles and smart guns from Aliens?

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>>82811933
>is it really WORSE than Prometheus?

well... to attempt this in the least, possible trollish / shillish manner

>negative IMDb user reviews
- 3~5/10
>consensus:
- "I can't believe it's worse than Prometheus..."

>positive IMDb user reviews
- 9's and 10'a
>consensus:
- "Masterpiece!"

>verdict:
The Academy of Moshe Pictures, Avarice and Zionists winner, 2017

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>>82812043
>the point

they've got veritable nanobot 'Pompeii powder' technology, can traverse aeons of space and are literally engineering life (/playing "God"), YET cannot master star Trek phaser-style weaponry... or even something resembling a real-world P-90 of MP4

>tiny hands
>pussy-willow recoil
>rainbow nerf beam ammo
>sounds like faggot shit

really palpates one's phallic predilections...

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>>82811796
>not possible.
if find your lack of faith in the Hollyschlock's finely-tuned, dumbing-down machine, disturbing, goy...

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>>82811854
most of my stuff is "OC" (or improvements / tweaks to others' [worthwhile] stuff)

copy pasta spamming is a dumbfian hallmark