ITT: Critic cliches

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>"a tour de force!"
>"it'll have you on the edge of your seat!"

>>79029608
Critique my nuts nigga

>>79029608
>long review full of sophisticated sounding words that may as well be compressed to two sentences

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>"The movie is self aware"

>"The movie (doesn't) take itself too seriously"

>"This movie makes Wes Anderson feel like Bergman on crack"

>"It's the Citizen Kane of..."

>"It's not a movie, it's a film"

>Fucking anything about "aestethics"

>>79030438
>"This movie makes Wes Anderson feel like Bergman on crack"
What the hell does this even mean?

>>79030216
this

>>79029608
>Spellbinding

>>79030272

>the first half of the review is what the "critic" did the day he saw the movie

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>>79029608
>director makes a successful movie
>makes several less-successful movies afterward

>trailer for next movie: From the creator of "most successful movie"
Always makes me laugh.

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>>79029608
>"The Donald Trump of movies"

>>79029608
>a thought provoking movie

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>The Feel Good Movies of the Year
>Once In A Blue Moon

>Injecting politics into film reviews
>Film wasn't even remotely political

"It'll have you on the edge of your seat...."

What it really means is

"It'll have you on the edge of your seat after the first 10 minutes as you start to get up to leave"

>>79031505

Biggest newspaper in my country mentioned Trump in their Rogue One review.

>it's a glib facsimile
>doesn't say what it's a facsimile of

Dropped.

>a provocative film
>stunning and sexy!

>This movie is brave
>This movie dares to take risks
>This movie brings up some important questions

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>The movie of the summer!

Is it? Is it fucking really?

>"5/5 stars in cuntfuck magazine"

>"Watch it before it watches you"

>"Starring Oscar nominee <name>"

>>79029608
>This is a MUST SEE for every true cinephile

>It took 12 years to make!
everytime

>"redefining the genre"

>>79031987
>Oscar nominee

I don't give a shit. Nomination is worthless. If you're first, you're first, if you're second, you're nothing.

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>>79031552
Every article I've read about the Super Bowl mentions Trump

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>>79029608
>Three Laurel icon before the trailer

>"Shifting the boundaries of cinema"
>"Grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go"
>"Doesn't need crab legs"
>"Shooter potential that makes the Dark Knight look like kindergarten"
>"Atmospheric"

>>79029608
>The Citizen Kane of movies

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>>79029608
>"The best movie of the year"
>It's January

>>79032298

noooo flapper girl pls go

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>..but ultimately it falls flat

>In this troubled political climate, this film is necessary...

and all related variants, like fuck off

>>79029608
"It's a movie that thought it was a film."

Also

"I like that there weren't many white people."

>>79030530
honestly this

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>>79031987
>watch it before it watches you
Lol wtf?

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>Best Film of the Year!
>Released in January

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>incidentally it is a fun popcorn movie, albeit a bit problematic

>>79029608
>#1 (genre) Movie In America
>Random assholes on Twitter review
>A treat for the whole family

NONE OF THESE THINGS MEAN ANYTHING

The Twitter thing in particular. They couldn't get a good review for it otherwise so they resort to exploiting niggers and the poor?

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>>79032550
I'm to pleb to understand this critic.

>>79036332
Fuck off Kermode is at least better than 90% of the edgelords who cricticise everything.

Only movies ive disagreed with him about are Star Wars and Twilight

>>79036332
>it's about these testosterone-fuelled blokes being horrible to women