Afghanistan trip.

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Alright guys im going to Afghanistan for 2 weeks as a tourist
I plan on going to Helmand after I land in Kabul.I booked a room with a family there on Airbnb. I asked them before I booked the room for their pics and information (just to be sure that it's safe). The man claims to be a shepherd and seems like a nice dude desu, although he did confess to fucking two of his goats. His wife does chores around the house.I was curious as to why they don't have kids. His wife claims he fuck her in the ass not in the vagina because it is more tighter. Anyways I plan on a hike in the near mountains and camping for a few days. I had concerns about being mistaken for the taliban and accidentally being killed in a drone stick. But I wrote to the pentagon about my trip and they were kind enough to email me saying that if I wear are blue top and orange shoes, they will know it is me so I won't be fired at.Also I met an ISIS member on twitter, turns out his organization supports fucking little children and even marrying them,what an amazing guy. He has invited me to come see him on the outskirts of Kabul. He says I will get to shot AK 47s, M16, rocket launchers etc for free and even meet his 11 year old wife and 2 year old son. Although he did mention something about carrying a backpack on my return flight to the USA.
Anyways I was wondering about the night life in Afghanistan. Are there any cute girls and what are the prices for alcohol in the clubs?