>your shield moans when hit

>>55323618
Spooky moan or sexy moan? This is important to the premise.

>My shieldmaiden moans when hit

>>55323618
M-moans how?

I can think of worse ways to catch an enemy off guard

>>55323631
>Spooky moan or sexy moan?
Yes

>>55323631
Or moan in pain

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>>55323618

>>55323631
>sexy moan
>from an old Scottish man
>ooooh laddy

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>Find a beat up shield
>turns out it's one of those sentient magic items that can talk
>it talks with a really soothing feminine voice which is nice though for some reason its always asking when I'm going into battle
>later I run into a stray orc who doesn't look to friendly
>he spots me and charges at me with a large hammer in both his hands
>time to see what this baby can do
>manage to block to the hammer easily
>amazingly can't feel any force behind the blow at all
>before I can follow up with a counter attack, we both hear a strange voice
>"OOOOOOH YES HIT ME MORE! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU GOT YOU BIG GREEN STUD!~" we both hear with a insatiably lusty voice
>it doesn't take me long to realize it came from the shield
>the orc and I just stand there in awkward silence as the shield begs him to strike it again
>i look back at the orc and based on his face he looks very uncomfortable
>after a few more moments of the shield begging and letting out lusty moans the orc awkwardly walks off
>later I try to take off the shield but no matter what I do it just won't budge
>mfw it's a cursed item
Magic items never again

>>55324606
Kek

>>55324606
My players are going to hell soon, stealing this.

>>55324606
>masochistic slut shield
>a problem

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>>55323618

>>55325173
He's getting cucked though because the shield is getting turned on by his enemies, not him.

>>55323618
>>55325614
There's old parable of unbreakable shield meeting unstoppable spear. I would like to think of a parallel of masochistic slutshield and sadoblade.

>>55325614
Any more?

>>55325922
What did the masochist say to the sadist
>hit me
What did the sadist say to the masochist
>no

>>55323618
>shield screams "FUCKING SLAVES GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE" when hit

>>55326322
>thunder maul yells "YEAH, TAKE IT BOY" when you hit someone with it

>>55323618
instead of creaking the armor gives off quiet sex noises when moving, loud ones whenever it takes a hit.

>>55327474
An adventurer who's equipment is alive and creepily sexual
But the adventurer is as oblivious as a shinen protagonist

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>>55323618
OOOOOOOOOOOH, YES!
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT HARD!

>>55329803
>Dave, did your.. did your gauntlets just gasp when you put them on?
>What? No, that's ridiculous.
>There! Your belt moaned when you cinched it!
>I have no idea what you're talking about, that was a totally normal belt-noise.
>I'm pretty sure that your scabbard just straight-up had an orgasm when you sheathed your sword.
>I'm not going to go adventuring with you if you won't get your mind out of the gutter. ...why is my scabbard damp?

>>55323618
>ooh yes harder daddy

>>55330045
>wow you have a magic scabbard that oils your sword for you

>>55323631
>spooky or sexy
It's an exasperated and tired moan, as if saying "ugh, this shit again?"

>>55330189
Can I teach it to mock my opponent's attack in the same sort of exasperated, disappointed voice?
>Is that really the hardest you can swing?
>You call that an attack?
>Oh, were you doing something? I didn't notice.
>Well wasn't that a pathetic attempt.
>That's a little small, isn't it?
Bonus points for sultry female voice

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>>55324606

>>55324606
>the orc and I just stand there in awkward silence as the shield begs him to strike it again
>Iieyah!~, don't strike me again with your big, hard, blunt tool!
>It's so heavy and forceful! How will I be able to stand it!
>I'll be ruined! I'll be broken forever!
>An orc's orc will break my defenses down to nothing!~
Now I'm thinking of that Elf and Orc comic strip.

>>55323618
>>55325614
>>55326322
>>55326360
>drop all the equipment
>call grey knights
>PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE
Fucking eww.

>>55331744
>shield gets tickled
>Grey Knights all kill themselves cause they all feel impure after hearing its moans

>>55330990
>An orc's orc will break my defenses down to nothing!~

Not gonna lie, but if you had an orc swinging an orc at your shield, I'd be concerned for it too.

>>55324815
you monster

post results

>>55323618
The shield talks. It's actually an Old Dwarf that got a raw deal from messing with the fae.

When taking him for repairs:
>This better be a DWARVEN blacksmith yer takin' me to, son
>If swear on me father, if they ruin my engravings...

When used to bash an enemy:
>That's right son, now hit 'em harder!
>I'll smash ye focken 'ead in!
>RAAAAAH!

When placed on your back
>I've got yer back
>Don't worry, nobody's following ye

When struck:
>Use that sword fer something, son!
>YE RUINED ME DAMN BEARD!
>Drive me closer, I want 'ta bash 'em

If you try to deal with Fae:
>Don't ye fucken dare

>>55333333
>333333
Damn

>>55333333
witnessed

>>55333333
That's fucking great, also C H E C K E D

>>55333333
Checked

>>55333333
The best post on /tg/ right now

>>55333333
Dam son

>>55333333
When meeting an elf:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjHclWPVij0

>>55333333
WITNESS
Also, how would you anons make this a neat magic item? I don't want it to just be a +1 shield, that's boring. Considering making it an Animated Shield, b/c most of my players are polearm/2-handed fighters.

>>55337156
I would give it the equivalent of a once per rest confusion spell

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>>55323618
>your sword screams in horror and begs for forgiveness when hitting

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>>55333333
I read all this in his voice

>>55333333
W I T N E S S E D

>>55338617
> your breastplate likes hugging you
>your breastplate likes protecting there worm squishy friend

>>55333333
Checked, also, I'm gonna steal this idea, and add three of them to my next session, for elves, humans, and dwarves.

>>55337590
Oh shite mate, that's a noice one.

>>55339306
COMFY
O
M
F
Y

>>55333333
absolutely fucking witnessed, and for such a well-deserved post too

>>55333333
WITNESSED

I wonder, what if you had that shield and your sword was an old elf that also got screwed by the fae?

>>55331744
>Grey Knights arrive
>breastplate of warning yells "I'M THE BOSS OF THIS GYM"

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>the lovers separated by war
>they refused to kill each other on the battlefield
>both sides of the conflict decided to punish them, to curse and separate for eternity
>as their love was in the way the love became their curse
>they are trapped in a shield and a flail
>the shield is masochistic, the flail is sadistic
>legend says the moment the long-separated lovers will meet (hit) each other, the curse will be broken and they will be free

>>55333333
WINRAR

>>55339648
Legolas and Gimli in weapon form.

>>55339306
>the breastplate has an emblem of a worn out child's teddy bear

>>55333333
>>55338617
Stealing these for my blatant-rip-off-of-the-odyssey campaign.

>>55324606
Clearly you should start banging on it to unnerve your enemies before combat.
Bonus points for a sinister war chant which is just S/M pillow talk spoken with a foreign language.

>>55340942
Ironically nither are an ax or bow

>>55333333
Several levels of witnessing.

>>55343866
Adding insult to curse

>>55340289
I'm actually statting these as we speak

>>55343866
>Dwarf turned into a shield, made to protect rather than cleave like a proper dwarf
>Elf made into a heavy Hammer, clumsy and can't even be thrown, much less shot
Living weapons are Fun.

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>>55323618
>GM provides an example on how loud

>>55323618
>your shield has an intelligence of 1
>the moans are it's retarded attempts at communicating

>>55323618
d-daddy?

>>55333333
The gods declare this to be good.

>>55323618
https://youtu.be/ev5hnN4TkYE?t=40s

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>>55339306
There is an armor like this in the Dark Souls series, called "Embraced Armor of Favor".
The breastplate has a pair of arms wrapped around it as if they were embracing the wearer.

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>>55349633
Not the only thing ITT found in Souls.

>>55333333
>When placed on your back
>>I've got yer back
>>Don't worry, nobody's following ye

Legit giggled.