>Alright Anon, as you and the party are walking into the town,

Cry. I didn't think the NPC's could view my shortcomings through the soulless eyes of my character, and the prospect of their knowledge terrifies me.

>>55308174
I'm a half-orc, I'd be more concerned if he was eyeing me with lust.

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>>55308174
You eyeballin me?

>>55308174
Lock eyes and grab crotch.

>>55308174
>Thinks some two-bit guard is going to get a rise out of me
I'm not black.

>>55308174
Shrug and catch up the other members of my party.

>>55308174
Do I know this chump? Have we been here before?
If the answer to either of those is "no", then obviously I don't care.
Or I devise an elaborate plan to harvest his kidneys, at his home, in front of his tied-up family, and then sell the lot of them into slavery.

>>55308174
Use Illusion magic to turn my face into his and mimick his gaze of disgust.

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I stare back at him in absolute silence

>>55308539
Belkar?

>>55308174
He looks at a servant of the inquisition with disgust. THE HERETIC WILL BURN.

>>55308712
His disgust turns to understanding as the both of you stare in silence. He nods to you, motioning that you continue.

>>55308174
Is there a problem officer?

I wink, giggle, and caress his codpiece

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>>55308174
I continue eating faeces.

>>55308174
I give him my spare change and then walk on.

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>>55308174
One.

>>55308174

Okay, mental checklist time. Is this dude stopping me because I'm:

1. A wanted criminal? (unlikely, as we moved past "arrest at all costs" territory and into "kill on sight, preferably at a hundred paces without a warning shot"-land about five sessions ago)
2. A witch?
3. A changeling?
4. An employee of an evil religious organization?
4. Probably at least partially responsible for the death of someone he knew, and if so, most definitely responsible for the delicious, delicous pie their delicious, delicious corpse was then used to make?

Rolled 34 (1d100)

>well fuck that guy, rolling to set his eyebrows on fire

Rolled 15 (1d100)

>>55308174

Rolling to Rebuke the guard in Order's name.

>>55313967

How does one manage to fail something as simple as a greentext?

I show him my breasts.

>>55310448
Wow, you're so cool! Can I get your autograph?

>>55310448
NOTHIN' WRONG WITH ME

>>55308174
I drop my pants, and dickfart the 1812 overture.

His look of disgust changes to horrified revulsion as my thunderous quofing rattles the windows of the church, sends children and small animals running madly, and causes Paladin's detect evil powers to flare up for miles around.

Secretions best not dwelled on fly from my now cavernous urethra as I enthusiastically force it to belch forth foul blasts of gas in various pitches to produce music the guard has never heard before, and if there is mercy among the gods, will never hear again.

Like a modern-day train wreck, people are horrified as the blasts start getting louder, expelling semen-smelling air. The guard steps back as we hit the finale, and now the flatus is deafening.

The final note is a dickfarted hurricane. The guard's last thoughts as the flesh is rent from his face is that he will sit among paladins, soldiers, guards, all who served the law, and they will tell how they died in valiant last stands, heroic charges, to save the innocent or to buy comrades precious time.

And he, a man of law, will have to say to them, "A bard dickfarted me to death."

>>55308174
I check my map. Clearly we've been going in circles.

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>>55308635

>>55308461
Top kek

>>55308712
"Oi,Cletus.Would'ya look at that.Some fancy aristocunt just stoped an' started staring at me like your retarded cousin when he sees the Sun.I bet he's a sadomite."

>>55318923
"Don't y'a dare to touch my cousin Chester!He's a god's fool!"

>>55308174
I slightly raise my head in a "Yes?" gesture.

>>55308174
Tap him to make sure he's not an undead then keep walking only grumpyer

>>55308174
Present my documents as an official journeyman of the Celestial College. The disdain of plebs is unfortunately not a new phenomenon.

>>55315492
TWO NUTHIN WRONG WITH ME THREE NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME FOUR NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME FIVE NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME SIX NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME SEVEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME EIGHT NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME NINE NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME TEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME ELEVEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME TWELVE NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME THIRTEEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME FOURTEEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME FIFTEEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME SIXTEEN NOTHIN WRONG WITH ME

>>55308174
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm a bit addled in the head, so if I've troubled you (or your ancestors), I might not remember it. If you're willing to be honest with me, then I'm willing to make amends."

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BITCH U TRYNA SMASH

>>55308717
Nah Belkar wouldn't harvest only his kidneys.

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>>55308174
I'm an anime magical girl, so I do the one thing I'm good at. I destroy him with my smugness.

Rolled 18 (1d100)

>>55308174
As I notice that the guard is a female I roll seduction, tip my hat to her and say
>evening my lady, you may have mistaken me for one of those scoundrels with no manners and no respect for a lady, but I assure you i'm a perfect gentleman who will respect and worship any woman who accepts to be my bride
>cheers

AM I BEING DETAINED?!