Storythread

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>>55173398

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>>55173432

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>>55173439

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In the tavern was a single weary man, his tunic worn from age and use and his hood covering his face. He kept himself in a little corner, away from all windows as he downed yet another tankard. In between long gulps, he glanced nervously at the crowds present. Intermittently, he muttered things. A woman who can't find him here, a need to leave soon, and the need for another drink were chief among his comments. Some of the other patrons expressed their concerns that such a shady individual was hiding here. Perhaps he was a criminal of some repute.

Before any lawmen could be summoned though, the man immediately gets up. He drops a rather large bag of coin on the table, bewildering everyone in the establishment. Nobody had the chance to even ask him where he got the money before he was gone.

This was just another day of an alarming set of them that he spent running as far away as he could. Already, he had been doing this for a month, and still he felt no closer to his goal than he did before. The shady man had to keep walking, always getting as far away as he could. He looked behind him to see if he was being followed - he swore he noticed something out in the distance that was closing in on him. His pace picked up a little more. He thought he heard stomping. His pace got a little quicker. Before long, he started running. The figure in the distance wasn't going away, and he swore that he was hearing something closing in. As he ran, he kept looking behind him still, and nothing changed.

His efforts to flee, though, were fruitless.

For all his running, he never seemed to pay attention to what was in front of him. Once he ran into something, he was trapped by two very well-toned muscular arms. Arms fit for a man that lifted him off the ground.

"Oh, sweet dearling-pie! I've been looking all over for you!" It was too late. He had been captured. Somehow, that crazy amazon that was infatuated with the man had found a way to corner him, and now she had him in a bearhug.

>>55185011
"I was so scared when I saw you missing, but the power of my love is stronger than even I am!" All of her girlish squealing was rather jarring for a massive amazon several heads taller than the normal person.

None of this mattered to the hapless man though. He tried his hardest to wriggle his way out of the amazon death-grip, but as she gripped tighter all he could feel was his back breaking. "Sigrune...!" He protested, his legs now flailing pitifully. "Sigrune...stop...! Back...!"

"Oh, anything for you, dearest!" The man collapsed to the floor in a heap, gasping for air while she looked on."Oh, are you tired? Silly dear, you need to work out more! How about I help you?"

There was a gasp resembling a "No" from the poor fool. As he willed himself up, arm clutching his shattered ribs, he continued, "That...is not...training...! That's a deathwish!"

Sigrune chuckled. "Silly love! You have to be strong like me if you want to mate! We are to be bound forever after all!" For all her laughter, the poor man merely laid there on the floor, beaten and now suffocated by this massive woman.

He had no idea how she managed to get entranced with a guy like him. He wasn't even supposed to be part of the expedition to the tundra keeps the amazons lived in. As was evident in his garb, this man was a thief by trade, and had snuck onto the proper expedition in order to steal some rumored valuables from the amazons whilst they were distracted by the delegation. With all the important folk distracted, the way to untold exotic riches was clear for him to exploit...or so the plan was meant to go before he nearly fell off a ledge and into a bottomless chasm, only to be rescued by Sigrune when she found him there. For some reason, he wasn't executed or imprisoned or even reported. Instead, Sigrune asked if he would be her mate with such force that it made the poor would-be thief unable to refuse without shaming himself as a self-proclaimed ladykiller.

>>55187118
All the same though, the thief had no intention of staying prisoner to the amazons and risk falling victim to a much worse fate than being some brutish woman's mate. He had thought that he was crafty by waking up in the middle of the night and then fleeing on boat for home, but as he was rowing his way out, he noticed Sigrune jumping straight into the frigid and choppy waters to chase after her prey. All the desperate man could do was row and run as fast as he could, hoping it would be enough to outrun her.

Now the thief was stuck in this trap with this giant of a woman. He was helpless to resist as she hauled him over her broad shoulder and began carrying him away. He had thought it was just going to be brought back to be presented to the amazon chieftains or whatever, but instead they arrived at a small shack.

"What do you want with me, you insane broad...?"

"Eh? But...you said you would be my forever-love mate," answered Sigrune. "You promised that we would never be apart."

The thief protested, "Did it have to be so literal?"

"Lit-uh-rull?" The word made no sense to her. "But...the chieftains, they said that when men come to our island, it was only to be our mates forever and ever."

"Wait, what?" The mention shocked him. "You mean all those men on the ship...?"

"Yes. They were betrothed to the strongest and wisest of our tribe, so as to give us more sisters to live alongside. Perhaps even now, they're caring for the babies!" Despite the innocent way she mentioned all this, the thief's face could only display terror. Those men who went to the tundras never went back home. Even he had just walked into that trap, and even now he wondered if he actually escaped with his life.

"For life." That was the only clarification he could ask.

"For life! And even after that! Our priestesses say that our mate-bond lasts even beyond death!" Her statement came with a smile on her face. "And...Oh, shoot! How will we have ceremony? I am no ordained priestess!"

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To the guy who makes the Chris Orksen stories, hope you see this. Looks like one of those rare cases where mister Orksen loses.

>>55199944
are you a wholesome though?

>>55190584
He added in, "But wait!" She paused. "Your priestesses, they say this is something to last forever, right?" Another nod of assent. "And...you're going to spend it with me? A man you just rescued despite intruding on your land. With the intent to rob from said land."

"Does it matter?" The answer took the thief back some. "From the first moment I saw you gripping for your life, the first time I saw your rough face with eyes burning with the desire to live, I knew that you had to be the one."

"Are you crazy?"

"But...nobody ever comes see me." Now it made the thief feel awkward. "I'm not a Chieftain. I don't get to choose a mate."

The thief darkly chuckled. "I can see why."

It was at this point that Sigrune's mood shifted from childishly innocent to mad. "Why you always say things like that? Always saying bad things like 'it impossible' or 'why you all over me'! Nonsense!" Using her behemoth strength, she grabbed the depressive man and threw him on the bed. "I have been in love with you since the beginning! I do not care if you not perfect or if you were bad! Is that not enough?"

The sight of an upset amazon was enough to unsettle any man, and despite insisting otherwise, he was just a man. "To be honest...it is. You've been following me nonstop since you found me, obsessed with this fantasy that you have no idea why you even follow it! Have you nobody better to follow?"

A slam on the bed. "No! None of these other men are like you! None of these other men have that same fire like your eyes do!"

"Even for a criminal?"

"I saw all sorts of men in your land. Good men, bad men, men with nice clothes, none of them were anything like you! None of them could ever replace you in my heart! I don't care if you weren't supposed to visit my home or if you planned to steal something. You already stole my heart the moment I met you..."

Such a bold confession was absolutely going to have an effect on such a thief. His face was now flushed with embarrassment.

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So bit of a writing question. I usually don't struggle with poetry but I seem to have a struggle this morning. I need this as a clue to indicate that the race of thieves is not won by being fastest, because the obvious solution is to smash and grab running out first but it's not the best and the winner is almost never ever the one who does that. I realize it's likely the players will probably fucking do this anyway and I'm OK with that, I just want to have had a not-entirely critic warning out beforehand.

>legends tell of hasty thieves
>quicksilver in, quickness out,
>laying quickly hands about
>those who do they fastest leave
>but less than fellows they achieve

not really supposed to be a limerick and I'm worried it's gone a little over to the flaming homosexual faggotry side.

thoughts?

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>>55202858
not cleaned up and the last line wrapped before I noticed but this is the eventual idea

>>55202811
"Seriously..." he muttered under his breath. "Your taste in men really sucks.."

"No." Sigrune closes the distance between them, now pressing upon him with everything. "I see someone good in here, strong with the desire to survive no matter the odds. "You are a man who does not need money or a name to do anything. You chose to come, you chose to leave even when nobody else did like you did."

"But...I thought you couldn't choose?"

"I choose now. Maybe matriarchs won't approve. Maybe someone try to steal you away. I will not let that happen! You are my love!"

Another defeated sigh escaped the thief. "Can't seem to win against you, can I?"

"You accept?"

"I...don't really know much about you." The way he tried to avert his gaze made the amazon giggle slightly. "Stop that."

"That fine! I want to learn more about you too, dearling!"

"Then... It's probably too late, but I haven't told you my name. It's Hadrian." Before he could go any further, Sigrune backed up a bit and grabbed the thief Hadrian's collar and pulled him even closer to her heart. "S-Sigrune?"

"Then I, Sigrune daughter of Reingunde, swear to you, Hadrian, that I will stay by your side, to be together with you. I am your partner now and forever, fighting alongside you no matter the odds." For a moment, it sounded like Sigrune had more to say, but nothing was properly coming out. After a few seconds, she merely settled with, "I sorry, dear Hadrian. I forget full words of Oath."

"You don't need an oath," Hadrian comforted her, still basking in the hugeness. "I'm...willing to give you a shot now. Please, just...just don't break me."

"I promise! Whatever I do, it will be to make you stronger so you never break!" The thief groaned in fear. He was still going to have to train with this brutish woman and her extreme exercises.

And yet, perhaps...
He gripped her a bit tighter. She was strong, she didn't have all these hangups about money or fame, and she liked him for some strange reason.

>>55205386
Sure he had hopes of something much more: a woman on each arm, riches untold, maybe even an entire castle to call his own. He had plans to sell the treasures he planned to loot from the Amazons to become filthy rich, maybe even famous for getting these treasures to society.

All Hadrian stole was one thing: Sigrune's affections. It was valuable enough to satisfy him for the time being.

"Hey," He whispered. "I want to learn how to like you more. Until I can like you as much as you like me."
Sigrune swooned instantly, as if she were waiting all this time to hear those words. "Oh, I love you too! And I'll make sure you love me just as much, Hadrian-love!"

The night promised to be painfully long, but at least now there was hope for a future that would see the two unmatched partners happier.

>>55198504
"The Weather's getting a bit chilly don't you think?"

For many years his voice would catch Essie off guard. She was older now, and used to it, such that her eyes did not waver from the firmament of stars above her.

"Is my guardian angel going to start protecting me from the cold now?" Her tone implied a smile.

"Perhaps someday." His voice always sounded as if it were coming from every direction.

She inhaled the cold air. It felt good, like drinking water.

They stood for a moment, and then he spoke again.

"To be honest, I'm here to ask you a question Essie."

At this, she turned to face the angel. She always found his stereotypical halo and adorable, doll-like wings amusing.

"How can I help you?"

He tilted his head ever so slightly. "What are you looking for up there?"

She looked up again. She had moved to the remote plains, far from family and friends, for this view. What was she looking for?

"God I guess."

Her angel was always smiling, but at this, his smile imperceptibly widened.

"Which one do you think is him?"

Essie wasn't sure. She also wasn't sure which "him" the angel was referring to.

>>55177795
Mangekyou Sharingan?

>>55202858
The last two lines seem murky even for obtuse poetry

>legends tell of hasty thieves
>quicksilver in, quickness out,
>laying quickly hands about
>But those who focus on speed
>Will not sate their greed

Alternatively:

>those who do, they fastest leave
>but less than their fellows achieve

https://pastebin.com/BtzcSZXa

so I finished a story

>>55210309
I imagine those two being friends who see each other a few times during the hunting season.

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>>55210530
I will read this in the morning

>>55207952
>A quiet corner shop, inconspicuous to most, hosts an underground ring of peasant slave children. Being sold to these thugs for meager Mark, most are crippled, some are sick, all will not be missed by their hungry families.
>A brutish man walks down and orders a small drink, two thugs bring out the next show, dressed in basic undergarments the girl is no more than 12, limbless, by birth or accident, she is tied to a nearby pole as snarling scoundrels laugh and guffaw.
>The man flags the bartender and asks to see the owner of the establishment, a scrawny man of mid 40's, old for his kind of people.

How much does the girl cost?
More than you can afford, poctal.
More than the Baron of Kruger?
The Baron of Kruger sending a poctal to buy him peasant children in this den? Truly the war took the brightest from our noble lords.
Ay, true as that may be, the Baron is paying to hunt Aeven off his lands up ways.
Aw, so you're buying bait then?
Unfortunately.
Well, for a man of your station and employer, she's yours for a hundred-fifty Marks.
A hundred, no more, she's going to be bait, not entertainment.
You drive a hard bargain wanderer, but she's yours if you don't mention my fine establishment to the Baron.
Deal.

What's your advice on what to start with in a story? How important should the first chapter be in setting the tone and themes and such?

>>55215588

Start in the action. Have shit happening right out the gates. Slow burns are overrated.

bumop

>>55215588
>>55218633
I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. It depends entirely on what sort of story you're writing.

The one thing I would say is that if you're writing a story set in a fantasy world, get exposition out of the way early. It may not be quite as elegant, but there's nothing more annoying than authors who reference terms and places that they only provide context for in bits and pieces ten chapters later.

Obviously this doesn't apply to /every/ term, otherwise the first couple of chapters would just be the setting's backstory. Just work out which bits are critical to understanding the story, get them out of the way first, and fill in the minor details as you go along.

It’d been a long time since I’d felt this terrible. Every muscle in my body ached with a sort of "dull soreness," while the bruises on my arms and stomach intermittently cried out in flashes of heat. My arm, foot, at least four of my ribs, and who knows what else were broken. While I wanted nothing more than to dream forever, the room was far too bright for me to continue sleeping. Eventually I gingerly pulled my head out from under the soft sheets and forced my heavy eyelids open, bringing a hand up to shield them from the light.

I sat up, blinking while my eyes adjusted to the room. A familiar halfling sat by the foot of my bed, the silver hairs on her head glowing in the light of the setting sun. Her green eyes moved back and forth across the pages in her hands, and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to recognize what she was holding. She’d been thumbing through my journals, despite being unable to read them.

“Good morning,” I spoke, or at least tried to. My voice was hoarse and my throat dry, so I began looking around the room for some water. My canteen was resting on the nightstand next to my bed. I slowly reached to grab it.

“It’s already past noon, you know. Actually, it’ll be night soon.” She replied, tossing the journal my way. “You should stop writing in code. Makes it seem like you’re trying to hide something.” She continued as the book hit my chest. I winced and dropped my canteen, spilling water all over my bed. I swore in Yeldgram.

“Was that on fucking purpose?” I asked her, switching back to Plainspeak. I bent forward to pick up the canteen, gritting my teeth from the pain.

“I was aiming for your face, but hitting your ribs works too.”

"Well, thanks." I mumbled, taking a swig of water. "How long was I out? I feel like it's been months."

"Only since last night. They brought your unconscious ass back here after the raid. Your party was worried sick about you. You're still a fucking idiot, Bags.” (1/6)

>>55221547
I didn’t reply. Jade was right. I barely remembered anything about yesterday, but I vaguely recalled getting into a duel against a gods-damned Scarskin Titan. Who was wearing full plate, while I only had daggers and knives.

"Gods, Bags. Barely three days ago you promised to keep the girls in your party safe, and then you nearly throw your life away pulling another one of your insane stunts. What in the wastes would they have done if you died? You've never once thought about how the rest of us would react if your deathwish came true." She moved to sit by my side on the bed.

"I'm still here, Jade. You know how hard it is to get rid of me." I said, forcing a smile. "I'll keep my promise. I always do." She punched my shoulder.

"I'm going to hold you to it, then." She sighed. "I guess your injuries are punishment enough. And things worked out pretty well, at least. Those kids found honest-to-stars ancient treasure thanks to you. I mean, shit, it hasn't been ten days since they started the job and you go and find them some fucking golden age ruins, basically right in my back yard."

I blinked, or rather, my eyelids twitched. "What?" With a laugh, she fell back to lie on me, her head resting on my lap. I let out a pained grunt.

"You really don't remember what happened?" I shook my head.

"I remember that we began the raid just as the moon rose, and that a Scarskin kicked the shit out of me."

"If only Crawley were up here. He's been telling that story all day. Guy's probably still telling it down in the pub right now."

I grimaced. "How badly did I fuck up that Crawley is telling a story about me, of all people?"

"Badly enough that it'll take you months to finish healing. Hope nobody attacks Dovran while you're there." I groaned.

"Fuck me."

"You're gonna need to find someone else, seeing as how I'm engaged and all. You were there, remember?"

Smiling, I gently ground my knuckles against her temples. "Just tell me what happened last night, Jade." (2/6)

>>55221560
“Well, according to Crawley, the raid on the toll house had gotten off to a good start. After a few brief skirmishes the ground floor had been cleared, but the guards were having trouble getting upstairs where most of the bandits were. Some of the guardsmen who were supposed to check the cellar were called to help, so it was just seven of you — you, your new party, Crawley, and two guards — who headed downstairs.

“The cellar’s staircase had long since crumbled away, so your group fastened a rope and climbed down. Below ground and without even a single ray of moonlight it was impossible to see, so as soon as he reached the floor one of the guards brought out a torch. Before it could be lit a bolt struck him in the shoulder, knocking him backwards and making him drop the torch. The bolt lodged itself into the wall, pinning him into place.

“You reacted fastest, picking up the dropped torch while Crawley rushed to the injured guard. With one fluid motion you managed to light the torch then toss it in the direction the bolt had been fired from. The pale light revealed five Scarskins — four Frights and one Titan. They were all clad in full sets of plate, their visors open to allow more light to reach their eyes, and their sickly green faces all curled into monstrous scowls.

“The Titan was larger than even a grown orc, and was using his strength to pull back a heavy crossbow’s drawstring. Before he could aim you threw two daggers at him, one slicing the drawstring and the other bouncing off his armor. He roared, dropping the crossbow as he and his human-sized companions prepared for battle.

“His roar and the sight of five enemies in full plate charging made the group freeze up. But apparently you once again snapped out of it the fastest, throwing another dagger at the Titan as you rushed forward. It also bounced uselessly off his armor, but still he snarled. (3/6)

>>55221570
“The Titan ran ahead of the smaller Frights, stopping in front of you. The other Scarskins just ignored you and ran past. By this time the group had recovered from their shock, but with the Frights standing in their way you were on your own.

“No one’s completely sure what happened in your fight, since they were too busy with their own opponents. It was dark, the Frights were good fighters, and they had good equipment. Everyone agreed that if they had such a hard time dealing with the smaller Frights, you had a much rougher time against the Titan. The injured guard said it looked like you two were fighting around some tarp on the floor, Crawley says you were able to evade each blow from the Titan’s warhammer, the other guard says your knives and daggers were completely ineffective, Vidt says he punched you hard enough to knock you into the air multiple times, Jannah says she saw you throw some liquid on him, and Alcance says it looked like you were losing the entire time.

"But they all remember how it ended: The Titan’s helmet burst into flame, illuminating the cellar with light bright enough to make everyone squint. The Titan's screams caused them to all freeze up once more, and in retaliation he tackled you, knocking you into a hole in the floor the tarp was covering up.

“The rest of the group soon finished their fight and tied up the Scarskins. The guards stayed behind in the cellar as the others descended into the hole you fell into. Turns out you used him to cushion your fall, but only barely. They thought you were dead until Crawley and Vidt managed to confirm your pulse. Then they looked around and realized you were in an old Aroson building.”

It took me a few minutes to digest all of that. Even then, I still didn’t really believe it. There was no way that was how things actually happened. Ancient ruins aside, I didn't believe I managed to react faster than Crawley and Vidt, or that I won the fight by myself. (4/6)

>>55221584
“You’re shitting me.”

“I wish. Things wouldn’t be so messy right now if it was all just a lie.” Jade sighed. “Apparently the bandits had just finished digging an entrance through the basement, dirt, and roof of the ancient Aroson estate a few hours before the raid. Fieldsport’s council are busy kicking themselves over not realizing how the maps lined up, and are busy planning an excavation. The city guards found out that apart from the three your party ran into, the rest of the ‘bandits’ hadn’t done anything to harm travelers. And news about this discovery is spreading really; it won’t be long before the elves stick their noses into our business, to say nothing of what the dwarves or orcs might do.”

“Things still don’t add up." I objected. "Why did they all have weapons, if they were just here for treasure? What were Scarskins doing in this part of the world[? How did they know this was all here?”

“One of the Frights decided to talk. He won’t say who hired them, but he says this was all part of some private contract. They weren’t doing anything illegal either, technically. There’s no precedent for this happening in Lyfelan, and it turns out there’s also no written laws regarding what happens when something like this is found.”

“Well, does that mean I at least get some sort of ‘finder’s fee’ for my work?” Jade stood up and pulled a small, ornate box from underneath my bed.

“No one saw any of the raid members make off with their loot. Not as if anyone’s going to report anyone else. You should’ve seen how much treasure everyone else brought back.”

“Well, thanks.” I mumbled, taking the box. Disappointingly, it felt even lighter than it looked.

“Hey, they did bring something back for you. It’s actually the thing you landed closest to, or so I heard.” I groaned. (5/6)

>>55221599
“You know, there’s so much I’d rather be doing right now instead of being bedridden. Especially after all that.”

“We’ll handle things with the city for you. Just get some rest for now, Bags.” Jade said with a small smile. “I’ll be back with some food and water.” She continued, closing the door behind her.

I sighed, lying back down on my bed. I guess it was lucky that no one else had to fight the Titan, but Vidt and Crawley would definitely have been in much better shape than me if they did. Then again, I’m not sure how well things would’ve gone if both Vidt and Crawley weren’t dealing with the Frights. Maybe things really did turn out for the best.

Lost in thought, I held the ornate box above my head and opened it. Millennia-old ashes fell upon me. I hacked and wheezed as a cloud of dust formed, all while trying to shove as much ash back into the box as possible. I am many things, but grave robber is something I never intend to be.

Having done my best to recover the ancient elf’s remains, I suddenly noticed a small silver locket on the bed. Frowning, I picked it up and wondered where it had come from. If it was from the urn then it surely should’ve been covered in ash.

I assumed Jade had left it behind, and I slowly flipped it open. One side held a mirror, and in the other was something engraved in what looked like elvan script. I frowned, realizing that this was also from the urn.

A few things came to mind as the message rearranged itself to read “The world pales in comparison to your beauty,” in Yeldgram.

I remembered the stories of how magic was lost when the gods decided to forsake us, and how the world was driven nearly to ruin in the ensuing Twilight War.

I remembered how sought after handful of remaining magical items are, and the wars waged for their control.

I remembered the first girl I ever loved, and how much my life had changed since her death.

JOURNAL END

P.S. Never stop writing in code. (6/6)

>>55210530
>>55212935

Your prose is very rich. Almost too rich, but unlike most people who write like that you seem to be able to hold it together; your vocabulary is dense and complex but rarely unnecessary. The only criticism I have of it is that if you were going to write a whole book like that the pacing would quickly drag.

Your setting is interesting, and it really benefits from your descriptive talents. Your characterisation is okay - not very deep here, but that wasn't the point of the piece.

Overall, very good work.

>>55221547
>>55221560
>>55221570
>>55221584
>>55221599
>>55221616
Good work anon. You do good dialogue.

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Small people in a big person's world is so cute.

>>55215588
If you're just starting the story, keep your themes in mind, but don't stress them. If you need to, you can strengthen them in revision.

>>55223238
thanks it was meant to be an experimental piece, I had to tone down the descriptive language for obvious reasons and it was a hard balance of figuring out where to be descriptive and where to be more brief.

thanks for the advice anon.

>>55231889
Any number of themes you could get out of people with money problems desperate enough to work dangerous jobs?

>>55218633
>Start in the action. Have shit happening right out the gates. Slow burns are overrated.
This is THE WORST ADVICE you can ever give on this subject. First of all it's just factually wrong, second of all it's the opposite of the useful answer.

>>55215588
>What's your advice on what to start with in a story?
There is no right or wrong way to start a story, because every story will require something different. There is a time-honored tradition that the first beginning of the story often serves as a mioptic of the whole thing and provides forshadowing or general representation of the things to come through out the whole story, but this is by no means a rule or a necessity.

You just really need to make it a bit clear for yourself what exactly are you writing about and why, and then just ask yourself: What would add or detract from the purpose of the tale.

>>55227563
cute cockatiel

>>55217150
Why the hell am I even here. Yeah, I guess it's a nice night for hitting the town, but I've got reports and projects out my ass. I seriously don't know what I was thinking when I signed up for all those seminars and labs.

I mean, I barely know any of these people. I don't even know why Red invited me along, anyway. I just sit behind her in our Alchemy seminar, and I don't think we've ever said anything more than just simple pleasantries to each other. Wait, fuck. I just realized that I keep calling her "Red" because I don't even know her damn name.

What's up with Miss Broody over there, anyway? She's just sitting on the steps. looking inland toward the mountains. I think Red mentioned once that her roommate's kinda aloof, is that her? And why's she still wearing the Defensive Magic safety robes?

Oh, now Mr. Koolaid Green over there's trying to stare me down. I think he caught me glancing over at Red's roommate. Isn't there a rumor that he fought an upperclassman in a Casting duel in the first week? Look, buddy, I'm not trying to start any trouble. She's all yours, if you can even get her to talk to you.

And, geez, where'd she meet Albino Vamp over there? He's looking at me kinda funny. I never really know how to deal with bloodsuckers like him; each and every one of them are eccentric in a different way. Guess this one's a musician-type. Pretty good at it, I guess - I don't think the two girls next to him even go to our school. Wait, is the one sitting next to him even legal?

I really should just leave. I don't fit in with this crowd at all. Maybe I'll stop by Baba's bookstore on my way back. The old crone's weird as they come, but damn does she get her hands on some interesting work. I wonder if that ancient manual on Grey Magic is still there

"C'mon, dummy! What're you just standing over there for? Get your butt over here, I'll introduce you to my friends!" Red said, flashing me a small smile.

Well, why not. This bunch could be fun.

>>55241258
>>55244228
People always ask me about my grandpa. About what it was like being raised by the premier expert on Grey Magic. I always give them the same spiel.

"He was kinda... weird. But I guess you have to be in order to revive a lost form of magic with only some shoddy, centuries-old notebooks as your guide. He didn't seem to have very many friends, or at least ones that visited our home. But he always seemed to really cherish the ones that did. I guess he was just like you and me, if a bit more prickly."

They'd all smile and nod, not realizing that I'd just given them a generic, prerehearsed answer full of half-truths. Grandpa was a huge fucking weirdo, and I barely knew him. The geezer almost always doing something on campus, or cooped up in his attic lab when he was at home. He often talked to himself, acting
like he was talking to mom, dad, or grandma. I'm not sure if it was dementia or because he never got over the accident.

I'll be honest, it always hurt to see him like that. I mean, it wasn't anyone's fault. Hell, he was the one who put up a barrier and saved the rest of us from the blast. But it always broke my heart seeing the guy talking to himself, somehow making the air take our family's shapes seemingly without using any magic.

I'm not even sure if he actually had any friends outside of the family. The Grand Mage and her husband would sometimes visit, and I think
some Nightsworn noble came by once or twice, but he didn't seem to get along super well with them. He probably knew them from work or something, seeing as they'd show up from time to time.

>>55244916
And I don't know why, but he'd always tell me, "Don't get involved with any redheads from alchemy class," whatever that means. I think it was an inside joke or something, but he'd always go off on one of his stories afterward. He'd tell me about some adventures he went on, about the times he saved the country, or about something dumb he got up to in college, when he was my age. And at the end he'd always say "Seriously, don't do it," with a chuckle. "They're a pain in the ass."

No matter what she was doing - brewing a potion, reading a book, teaching a class somewhere on the other side of the world - Grandma would usually toss a fireball at him whenever he said that. Probably didn't like him talking about an old flame. But she'd always do so while wearing a small smile, so I guess that was also part of the joke.

"Hey. Are you sleeping with your eyes open again, or are you still with me?" Gwen asked, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I shook myself awake.

"Sorry. What'd you say? I kinda spaced out for a bit." She sighed.

"No shit, Sherlock. Can you pass me the liquid aether? I'd like to get done with this lab already."

"Sure thing, sweetie." I replied, handing her the vial. She glared at me, an almost invisible blush on her face.

Sorry gramps. But I really like the redheaded girl from alchemy class.

>>55227563
Still can't believe it, Chip. Today's the big day.

After everything we've been through, after having you watch over me for practically my whole life, it's time for me to get married. I know, it's kinda weird asking for my oversized cockatiel to walk me down the aisle instead of my dad, but truthfully I couldn't have found a better person to do it in his place. I'm sure he's smiling upon us both from heaven.

I just wish he could've gotten to know Daniel better, to be honest. He was already really badly off when I told him about the engagement. He never got to know how much Daniel really cared for me, about how much he loved everyone around him, and how much he was willing to give to help us. I know he was happy knowing that I found my special someone and all, but it just doesn't compare to meeting the man who wants to be your son-in-law, you know? They never got to talk about how beautiful I am and how Daniel'd make dad proud and all that sappy stuff they talk about in those Lifetime movies.At least then he'd have actually known about the man he'd give me away to. Maybe he'd have given me his blessing before he left us.

Sorry, bud. You're right. I shouldn't be so sad on my wedding day. Daniel'd be worried. You'd be worried. Mom'd be worried. But you're important. You're gonna give me away, after all. You, the bird who's always been by my side. I think it's a blessing that you've been around as long as you have. Just seeing you home always made me feel better no matter what. Now that I'm about to dedicate my life to someone else, I think I should say thanks. You've been my best friend, my caretaker, and my family. You mean so much to me, Chip.

Eh? It's time already? Okay, okay! Calm down, Chip. Now, come on.

It's time to start the next chapter of our lives together.

Bump for thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12633243/1/Rusted-Lady-Tale-of-Rogue-Traders-Orks-Death-korps-andLove

So I made this long ago and now I kind of want to continue this now here, if you guys don't mind

>>55234956
>This is THE BEST ADVICE you can ever give on this subject.

I completely agree.

>>55221547
Good descriptions, good mystery, good dialogue.

Personally I would do more to flesh out the setting and clean up some of the word/tense choices being made. Also I would start off with something more interesting or at least not the implication that something cool had just happened and we get to jump in at the fallout of it.

>>55259450
It really isn't. In media res openings are 90% of the time for suckers and children with short attention span. SOME stories might benefit from them, but in my experience those are a minority. Yeah it worked for Dante's Inferno or bloody American Gods, but those are far more exceptions than rules.
It's a terrible habit among amateur, fantasy and sci-fi writers, based on utter contempt and under-estimation of their readers.
Action and drama is interesting if there is a REASON to care, or if you are so GOD DAMN GOOD WRITER that you can actually carry the action by amazing style. I can guarantee to you: if you are posting around here and not selling hundreds of thousands of books already, you are probably not that good. And all that you will achieve by tossing us right into the action is a whole bunch of who-gives-a-fuck.

What's the preferred way to set the tone at the beginning? Start with details of the environment and introduce the characters? Or introduce the characters and then detail the environment?

>>55260565
Again, there's no right answer. You really need to do both - introducing the environment without adding any characters is pointless, characters without the context of their environment is just confusing

>>55259550
Starting with action doesn't mean you're starting in media res. That refers to how advanced the plot is. It's the difference between starting Casino Royale with the bathroom fight, and starting it with the car chase in the Aston Martin (if you're wondering why I picked Casino Royale, Bond movies often start with an action scene that's only tangentially connected to the rest of the plot).

>>55260911
Unless you are writing a sequel to established Franchise, where the characters are known to the audience before they even start reading, then it is a in-media-res. The action happens before we get to know the character, skipping ahead the part where the his qualities and events that lead him to that predicament would be normally established. Some books will then do a liter time jump and give us them directly, other will chose to stuff it into retroactive exposition later down the line (usually act 2). But your story starts at the point where at least part of the story climaxes, without establishing the lines that lead to the climax. That is in-media-res treatment.

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>>55260565

Minimal of both to set the scene then get shit going.

>>55259550
>in media res

When did I say "in media res"?

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>>55173398

https://pastebin.com/SBD7pZDP

This is a just-completed (few days ago) short story or chapter from a "fix-up" novel I'm working on. It's a post-apocalyptic low fantasy in the vein of Conan the Barbarian with a cute girl male sidekick. There are one sex scene and a few sexually graphic or suggestive scenes but I'm trying for an elevated register and not to be trashy, so hopefully it doesn't come off as fapfic.

There's also one part people might find offensive but it's tongue-in-cheek and I'm probably going to edit it to tone it down a bit, but the muse spoke to me and writing it was deeply amusing so it's included as is for now.

Also it's the second story/chapter (first isn't finished) so there's no cohesive physical description of the MCs but you can click the included reference pic for the illustrations I'm working on (Tin on the left, Jak on the right) unless you want to imagine them however.

Hopefully this wall-of-text disclaimer doesn't put anybody off, thanks to anyone who reads

>>55267292
and there is our obligatory elf-human romance pic.

Bampo

>>55267164
>>55267164
Okay, well that was... I mean, it was surprisingly well written for gay erotica, but it was still gay erotica. Easy to read though, and your attention to detail with the accents works a lot better than that sort of thing usually does. Nothing greatly original - post-apocalyptic fiction is well-worn setting at this point - but you use it well. Nothing too over the top, nothing too obviously recycled from better works.

If it wasn't for the full-on gayness, rapiness, and general overt sexual imagery, it would be a good example of the post-apocalyptic genre. As it is, it's a good example of something but I think the audience for this is far more niche. To be clear, I'm not judging you or saying that makes it a bad story - every niche has its place. I'm just saying its going to appeal to a limited number of people.

And I don't get why Jak didn't rape her at the end. Isn't the whole point that status in that society revolves around baby creation?

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>>55279127

/sffg/ on /lit/ assured me that you couldn't have too much gay, rape, and incest but I was genuinely concerned it would be too much of that for genre fiction, and too much genre fiction for erotica. Sorry if it grossed you out or came out of left field or anything.

Also I rewrote the dialects/accents twice because test-readers were dropping it a couple paragraphs in due to being As I Lay Dying-tier incomprehensible, so it's good to hear that it seems ok on that front now.

That scene was kind of a joke, in order to become capable of surviving on her own in that world she became so mannish and unattractive that somebody who literally fucks a girly boy all day couldn't get it up for her because she was too masculine. Of course, one could come to other conclusions about his reasons, but Jak is 100% "Not Gay".

In retrospect this probably wasn't the right thread for it (where does erotic genre fiction even go? /lit/, /d/, /lgbt/ don't seem to want it), but thanks again for reading and feedback. To my knowledge nobody else has read it start to finish but you and I.

Also, I want to use
>I mean, it was surprisingly well written for gay erotica, but it was still gay erotica.
as the cover-blurb

>>55185011
>>55187118
>>55190584
>>55202811
>>55205386
>>55206222

No critiques leap to mind (other than maybe a few uncommon words that seem like maybe others might be less jarring), it's supposed to be silly (I assume) and it succeeds. I would say it has a bit of an "ok, but" quality to it which one often gets from prompt-writing. You end up with something that's not quite a short story but could be expanded to one, or maybe even into a full length novel, or you end up with just an exercise you never look at again.

I think some of your ideas could support expansion, but probably the overall tone might not really be suited to anything much longer

>>55268154
>and there is our obligatory elf-human romance pic.

Care to explain? I'm now tempted to write a story just for that image. >>55267292

>>55281452
>Care to explain?
For some reason, every Storythread includes at least one picture of an elf and a human getting together. There isn't anything more to it than that. It's just odd that they keep showing up, and it's a different pic each time.

>>55279564
A good amount of erotic literature used to be on /tg/, but then the threads got exiled to /d/ for shitposting, which dwindled the author count. Then /d/ decided to get rid of 'low-quality, non-image based' content, which decimated it even further. Now they're exiled to the dregs of /trash/ with only a minutia of the precursor members. They try to eke out an existence there, it's no surprise that quality has plummeted in the midst of that environment.

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>>55281582

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>>55281582
Probably just a common fetish.

>>55281658

That's depressing. /d/ also seems to have lost a lot by splitting into /aco/, which seems pretty shitty in its own right

>>55281920
The week after /aco/ went up was the worst
The janitor/mod of /d/ was going through threads and systematically deleting every image they didn't feel were supposed to be on /d/. Entire threads got pruned, but the bastards left them up because they had 1-2 "Okay" images in them. Not to mention they were massive fucking hypocrites too

>>55267076
would fucking your R63 self be masturbation or incest?

>>55282890

would girlicizing yourself with the FaceApp and then photoshopping your girlface onto a nude girl's body and then jacking off to "your" own tight vagoo be gay?

>>55282930
are you jacking off to the face or the vagoo?

but either way it is more vain than anything

>>55282989

probably the face more desu

>tfw you can never be your own qt3.14 gf

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>>55282930
>>55282989
>>55283005
Only on 4chan.

>>55282263
"What do you see Liucijau?" Woman in a long green dress shouted to a man in a fine suit that stood at the edge of a cliff looking down from it with a pair of binoculars.
"Some guy that must be new in the area" man replied his gaze still fixed on what ever he was watching.
"How do you know that?"
"He went near one of the bitches of the crater." Man then muttered "Lucky bastard..."
"What did you say?" Pale woman raised a brow.
"Nothing..." Man glanced back then lovered his binoculars and shouted:
"Hey kids, if plan to have some intimate time together, don't do it out in the open where everyone can see you!" Man then laughed and turned back.
"Youngsters these days"

>>55210011
>"AM EAT YOU BONES ELF!" Bellowed the Ogre with as much indignity as he could muster. Pripkin considered that possibility as she scampered back up into the trees. Under normal circumstances a lone Waywatcher would never engage an Ogre. Even wyrdthorn arrows could do little but annoy, long pikes were required to even put a dent in their thick skin, and even a gut wound rarely killed them outright. But this one was dangerously close to the village, and she was sure she was fast enough to lead it away.
>"You no run I am catch you!" The thick branch Prip had just leaped from was smashed effortlessly to the floor. She needed to shake this beat quickly, someplace that would keep it occupied long enough for it to lose the Villages scent. She jumped from branch to branch, staying at eye level to keep the Ogre on her trail.
>The long marsh? the GreatHedge? the Wyrmglade. All good candidates but all just too far. She needed to catch her breath, so she dove into the think undergrowth, outraging the Ogre. "YOU NO HIDE FROM ELF-MASHER, I AM SMELL YOU CUNT, BITCH ELF". This one has a name for himself, thought Pripkin from the small hollow she had hunkered down in. The question was whether it was earned or just a boast made for the benefit of the other monsters of the Shadowpeak mountains. Probably the former judging from the lack of scaring typical of veteran ogres and the fact that he thought he could sniff out an Elven Waywatcher.
>Still she had little time, the Ogre was close enough that he might be able to sniff out mushroom pickers or other elf-folk not protected by training or charms. She desperately weighed her options.

>>55283163
Could work on your english there anon, but asides from that. You gonna continue that?

>>55279564
>In retrospect this probably wasn't the right thread for it
As I've said before, while I don't want this to turn into a pure smut thread, Storythreads are for all /tg/ related stories - even the ones with adult themes. /tg/ is SFW, not child-friendly. I'm not going to tell people that there should be no sex in the stories posted here, anymore than I'm going to say we shouldn't have violence or depictions of drug use.

>too much of that for genre fiction
It is. What you've written is erotica. It may be good erotica, but its definitely more than genre fiction with a bit of sexiness thrown in. If erotica was what you were going for, you're okay, but if you were trying to write mainstream fiction with a bit of sex then you've gone too far.

>>55285953

Appreciate all feedback, it was very helpful. I will consider whether to tone it way down or go all in rather than awkwardly straddle the line and fail to satisfy either side of it

>>55290011
>>55285953
>>55279127

If I can trouble anyone who read it for a final comment, how did the combat scenes read? Clunky, difficult to follow, adequate, boring, too short, too long etc.?

>>55290011
I don't think it's awkwardly straddling the line. It works quite well as erotica - no one said that porn can't have a decent story attached. I just thought I'd make clear it was too sex-focused to be considered mainstream genre fiction with a few sex scenes in it, in case you were trying to write something for all audiences (well, obviously only the 18+ ones, but you get the idea).

>>55290232
Combat scenes were good

>>55254235

"Umm, Sir?" Shaun hesitantly reached up to tap the burly Street-Vendor's shoulder "There, uh, appears to be a giant crab stealing from your cart..."

Shaun ducked as the big man spun around, a cleaver materializing in one beefy hand. "TRY AND STEAL AN HONEST MERCHANT'S WARES WILL YOU? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WE- Oh." He lowered the cleaver and turned a glare back towards Shaun "Didn't your parents teach you not to tell stories boy? If you were my son I'd tan your hide."

Shaun bristled "Stories!? Are you blind? It's right there! !" The Vendor raised an eyebrow and turned to follow the young man's slightly-quivering finger.

"Where?"

"HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE IT? IT'S A GIANT CRAB, IT'S STEALING YOUR POTIONS!"

"No, he already paid for those. Mister Pinchy always pays up front. He's polite like that."

"He paid for? But it's a crab! Crabs don't..." Shaun trailed off as the surge of outrage abruptly ran out in the face of the big man's glare.

"By the gods your thick boy. Of course *normal* crabs don't buy potions, but you typically don't see *normal* crabs walking around wearing jewelry and smoking a bloody pipe, do you?" The Vendor shook his head. "You're here to sign up for the school right?"

Shaun nodded silently.

"Well, word of advice. You're not in some dirt-farming hick town anymore, you're in the most magical city in the world. If something doesn't make sense don't kick up a fuss and cause a panic, just assume A Wizard Did It and get on with your life. Now are you going to buy something or-" The Vendor paused for a second as a claw tugged at his apron, and resumed in a far gentler tone. "Look kid, you're obviously new in town, why don't you follow Mister Pinchy back home and he'll at least make sure you get signed up and billeted for the night."

Still too embarrassed to reply, Shaun silently followed the crustacean out of the market and towards the looming mass of the Academy and his new life. It at least promised to be more interesting than his old one.

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Anyone lurking and want to read a spooky story I wrote? I posted a while back, so I doubt y'all would remember me, but my style and subject matter is pretty consistent.

>>55297475
Okay. I mean, that's why we're here, you don't have to ask before you post.

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>>55297541
Okay, cool beans. It's less than 1000 words but I'll post the google doc for easy reading. I'm just happy someone might read it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oi3vWGTx2ir7c2-1gTu1jhr-n-oQYHgUrDyrQZiHzyA/edit?usp=sharing

>>55210309
"The way is not safe, manling. The forest stirs something foul today. The fog should be evidence enough of that. Whatever you came for today will have to wait for another day." The beast uttered in a voice that rattled the trees with its sheer bass.

The horsemen reigned in his stallion to address the furred creature. It was not the first time they had encountered one another. They enjoyed each others presence in passing but the horsemen could not suffer idle chatter this day.

He was on a mission.

"Not possible, my friend. Illness has taken hold in my village and they cant wait for another couple hours much less a day. And this 'manling' has a name. I'm certain ive mentioned it in our previous encounters. One would think a creature as old as you would have a longer memory."

The beast croaked out a guttural chuckle.

"Aye. But is it that my memory is finally starting to wither this century or you were never that interesting to remember in the first place, manling?"

A smile crept at the mans lips.

"Funny but you'll have to forgive me if your japes dont have any effect on me at the moment. I dont know if you quite caught what i said but there is a situation in my village. So ill be riding forth now unless you have something useful to say."

"Is a warning not useful to manlings? Its no mystery why you folk die so quick. But fine. If you insist on sallying on into the forest ill accompany you and ward off the worst of what lingers. What is it that you hope to find exactly?"

"A shaman is said to have taken to living in the old tower. If there is any truth to it then ill need him. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that or is your mind truly as fogged as we are?"

"Aye i know of the one you speak of and dont think me so willing to take your jabs so freely. I still remember how to teach an uppity manling some manners."

"Point taken friend. Now if you would be so kind, lead the way."

"Gladly."

>>55297611

A little rough around the edges, but I liked it. There are some typos (pour/pore) that trigger my autism but overall I enjoy the register (if at times edging near to purple prose, mostly in the first couple of paragraphs, it never goes too far), the story is short and to the point so I cant help but relate it to a creepypasta, but not a bad one.

>>55298179
>The beast uttered in a voice that rattled the trees with its sheer bass.
>The beast's voice shakes the trees.

Though this is 60% personal preference.

Good establishing the relationship though I feel you could condense it some more. A lot of needless banter.

>>55297611

I'd clean up some of the language. Feels verbose for the sake of verbosity in the opening.

>>55299056
The tour guide then leads the group of tourists to the throne room of ancient King Orvain LeTruss.

"And here we have both the throne of King Orvain LeTruss, including his very crown that is currently seated at said throne. King LeTruss had his throne room built near the forested area of his castle due to the fact that the ancient king himself had a love of nature and all things green. Another personal reason of the king is that an ancient folklore entity known as "The Lady of The Woods," blessed King Orvain LeTruss with good fortune and luck because of how he is an avid lover of nature as proven by the many accounts that he has tended the castle gardens by also including many exotic plants he himself acquired. And how also has shown compassion and mercy to the animals that roam his lands."

>>55299819
Thanks man ill keep that in mind.

>>55299844
>>55299453
Thanks anons, that's valuable feedback. I'll polish things and tone down the philosophical wankery a smidge. Any suggestions on tactful ways to do this?

Also, the ending I felt fell flat. Was the imagery of post-earth vivid enough to communicate what I want? I'm working very hard on neat, compressed prose, particularly since I come from a poetry background.

>>55298179
They traveled on for a good while, exchanging jokes and jabs at each other along the way. The horsemen learned of how his kind can live up to 1000 years and how his companion in particular was nearing the 900 year mark.

"Long a lifespan as that certainly carries wisdom. Any thing to share with this humble manling?"

The beast tapped his chin as if he was in deep thought.

"Nothing in particular, friend."

"Really? How disappointing."

"Sorry i am not the font of knowledge you think i am. If you would prefer i could tell you a wet nurse tale. Perhaps I'll even make it rhyme!"

"A shame you people are. Tall as a tower with the brain of a pebble."

"Oh come now, you manlings feel slighted at the smallest of things. Here then, you want some sage council here it is: Dont get attached to others so freely."

The horsemen frowned in confusion at that.

"Whys that?"

"Because friendships and loves are whispers in the wind when you get to live as long as we do. Best to avoid the inevitable."

"You dont believe that. Why else would you be here with me or the times we passed each other before."

The beast was silent a moment before responding.

"As wise as i am i still find it hard to follow my own advice. Especially one like this. I wont mince words with you, manling. I enjoy talking with you, i enjoy seeing you lose your little temper and beating you at word games. But after this journey I believe its time i moved on. Lest I end up hurting myself. Again."

The horsemen didn't quite believe he heard what he said.

"H-heh. Alright you got me beast. I concede that was a clever one."

He tried to chuckle but the laugh died on his lips when the beast did not join in.

"I...I understand, friend."

"Thank you, fri-. Manling."

They strode the rest of the way in silence. Nothing but the cracking of twigs and and rustle of leaves for conversation.

They had found the tower after a time.

>>55292731
I loved you Elric!

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>>55297611
Interesting. I'm going to do some maybe rather rough criticism, but that is mainly because I think the work is well worth polishing.

In general, I have to major issues.
First: I think it's way too verbose and obsessed with use of uncommon words, many of which I think are completely unfitting. I'll give concrete examples.
Second: it has pacing issues, to say the least. It jerks forward several times in ways I found distracting.
To get down to examples, I hope you don't mind if I take it almost paragraph by paragraphs.

The first one: The very first sentence feels like it needs expanding. Yes: scale of eternity and infinity are off the hoof, we all know it. Just stating it won't really trigger the sense of awe I think you wish to inspire by the opening lines. We need a little more to begin even touching on the feeling of insignificance that we should be at the introduction of the story. I'd recommend trying to think of some more, preferably non-cliché ways to inspire these sentiments and expand the opening with them.
Second of all: this might be a stylistic preference, but I think it could work better if you posed questions through out the whole first paragraph. After all, you are inviting the reader to contemplate the infinite and absolute.
"Could a being of infinite...?" and so on. Also: Ocean of rolling fields is an odd metaphor. Ocean is a volume of matter, rolling fields are... well, fields. They don't quite mash together, I think. Maybe a single drop out of an ocean, or single blade of grass of an endless steppe...

Second paragraph... I think this is where the verbosity issues starts to show. This sentence in particular:
>In the warmth of its intangible embrace I understood unmistakable positivity, but the nature and complexion was confounding.
I know what you want to say, but it does sound extremely unnatural and forced. I am usually the first one to defend more verbose writing, but this just sits very poorly with me. (cont)

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>>55297611
Also, in regards to the second paragraph, I'm a bit confused about the space. You found the book in on a pedestal in a sewer? Or is my limited grasp of English failing?
If so: sewers are not really that undiscovered - in fact they are routinely checked for anything that could restrain the flow, and they tend to get pretty wet, it does not seem like a very inconspicious or safe place to hide such an artifact. Also, it is odd to describe rain, beating on vegetation, if we actually are in the heart of the sewers, watching the narrator pick up a book. While I understand that you may want to keep the circumstances of the discovery vague, I think this might need a bit of re-thinking. It does not necessarily need more detail about the place, just more internal logic of the imagery (rain-fog-and-folliage vs underground drainage system.... Third paragraph is my favorite part of the text, I particularly enjoyed the remark about coupons, it lightens the text. That said:
>stark glare
>flipped voraciously
>utterly nothing
(I think in this case, you would never actually use the word "utterly")
>fit of ingenuity
>no discernable difference was observable
>the uncanny feeling of the displaced shadow
>words throbbed (I know it's the next paragraph, but I'll add few later offenders too, sue me)
>torrential downfall

Every single one of these phrases stuck me as either unwieldy, or overwritten. And again: I'm usually the person advocating against sparse writing. But I think at least these should be... maybe reformulated more elegantly.
Also, purely formal thing: but the "Who are you?" sentence REALLY deserves it's own paragraph. It should jump out of the text at you, not be tucked away at the end of the paragraph.
The rest of the text seemed formally fine with me (I think it's pretty obvious where you got more comfortable writing), but I have some more issues (one more post, hopefully last one)

>>55284679
Not sure, just a random idea which I wrote while I waiting for a bus

>>55297611
So...
My final problems are these:
A) the words in the book are little too casual. The whole "You strike me as..." segment - there is nothing wrong with it, but I think making it a little more sparse and sombre, OR a little more personal and intimate or otherwise different from the tone of the rest of the text would make it better. I think establishing the tone of the being/book could actually carry your story far. The reader should feel uneasy when reading those lines: I think extremely personal, as well as extremely impersonal tone both would work. You mention mother a little later on and I really like that image: maybe make the the book more archetypaly mother-like, or even mother crossed with a lover. Give is a little more to understand why the narrator becomes so comfortable with the book, spilling his guts to it. You don't need so much more exposition, as you need to work it into the tone of the words in the book, I think.
B) most people don't remember the handwriting of their parents. I think just stating the hand writing was feminine, perphaps mentioning that it made the narrator think of letters his mother used to write for him and stamp on the fridge or something would add eeriness, but make it less confusing.
The mention of mother itself is a good move, I think it could be formulated more powerfully.
C) "Thank you, honestly" again sounds rather casual for a benevolent cosmic horror. But... I already mentioned that.
D) The claim that you wish that everyone would be one with the earth comes out of nowhere.
Why would anyone say that? It's not a normal figure of speech. It gives away the ending rather too soon, but more importantly it just feels strange. Hell, it suddenly feels as if the narrator has some kind of ecological/pacifist bent, but he has not been established as such. Maybe it would be good if you went back into the text and insert something that would later justify this particular remark.
Fuck, I need one more post. Sorry.

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>>55306266
So, to close this (And I hope you'll read this thing):
Aside from the rather odd "I wish people would become one with the earth" sentence, which I think really needs more forshadowing or explanation...
The very last paragraph feels abrupt. I know it's kinda the deal, but it still feels a bit unsatisfying.
Aside from the sentence "world was unknown" being confusing in this context (Unknown to who?):

I think there needs to be a little more fluff that connects the last and last-but-one paragraphs.
I also think that you don't need to explicitly state the horrors of the scenario. Like this:
>horrible contorted
It's actually much more horrible if you omit the word "horrible". I think the last paragraph in particular should be as matter-of-factly as possible, with no sentiment, no trace of emotion. Just stating the facts. It will make it more impactful.

OK, I think that is enough. I actually should have made sure you are still around. Anyway - I took the time to type all that because I honestly think the story could be refined into something pretty great: a short, neat, very Bradbury-esque story.

Hope any of what I said was useful to someone. Have a nice evening, folks!

>>55306371
>>55306266
>>55306114
>>55305882
You are a god. I'll take all that criticism to heart and post a reworked version in an hour or two. Thanks, honestly. I know it's not easy to write that much about 1000 words, and it was all on point. I think I'm going to play up the "niceness" of the horror, but give me a while to pound it out and I'll see where I can get.

>>55303788
>Any suggestions on tactful ways to do this?

Word familiarity. Look at a sentence and try to understand what specifically you are trying to say, and then write that.

>>55307586
I'll try to stick around and offer what ever I can. I do enjoy doing this for some reason. As for it being hard: It's much easier to offer criticisms like this for a shorter work, actually, but most importantly, I find it either easy or difficult to criticize based on whenever I see something I actually really like at the core or not. I wish I could be offering similar feedback to much more people around here, it's actually almost impossible for me to offer feedback to most people around here, because I rarely find some core theme or idea or impression that I could grab on to. With this story, it feels like I can tell what you are after in almost every paragraph, which makes it much easier to formulate my thoughts on what I think could be improved.

Anyway, glad that you found the feedback of some use. I'll generally monitor these threads, so the odds are I'll see it once you post a re-written version. I'd advise you not to rush it though, and not to follow me verbatim. It's usually better to sit down and take the text sentence for sentence, and word for word and ask yourself: "what exactly do I need to invoke here, and does this sentence/word contribute to that?".

I'll be looking forward to seeing the next iteration of your story.

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>>55307780
Alright, I took my time and rewrote everything. If you'd like to read it, or anyone else, here's the new draft. I think it's much better.

Cosmic Benevolence v2
>Now 60% Less Pretentious and with a Real Plot!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r4B_iS2vdS_UvoJP0dkNzpbjfE46CsQsOmSiAP7R5Qs/edit?usp=sharing

>>55309848
I'll look at it. But I have to warn you, I took some pill that may haven not been the one i was supposed to take and now the typing window of my screen is throwing some really angry looks at me. Also my figures end on the wrng keys sometime, so I'm not sure how usful I'll be in this state,
It'll take a look at it though. Unless the little nagging creature at ny ear bites me or someting,

>>55310155
Shit man, if you need a nap or something, don't sweat it. I've got nothing but time and I'm more than happy to wait. Your feedback was tits.

>>55310180
I took the medicine hoping that I'd get a nap, but it seems to be doing everything but allowing for sleep.
Anyway: I've read it as much as my very, very unresty eyes allow me. It seems an overal grand improvement to me. Mind if I save the text for later use? I think I'm gonna want to read it more careful again with clearer mind. So far, it seems much more elegant and much more functioning. It would be good to get more people that aren't crazy like I to see what they would tell it.
I think there is still plenty of space to improve on an expand in it, but from now on I'd say it moved from "a good idea that was hindered by inconsistencies or odd use of words" to "good idea that needs to polished and elevated from "good" to "significant". And I entirely think that is possible. Running it through more people than just me will definitely help too. Meanwhile, I'll take probably a little time off reading because the damn letters are right now making fun off me, and go try to grab some sleep I think I could come up with some more ways to perhaps expand on the form a little... But it feels like you understood my complaints very clearly, which is something I'm happy about. I do hope that you embraced them because you also argued with them.

I'll give you more feedback - either in this thread later (in a day or so) or we'll bump into each other in one of the next one: I'll be on a lookout for Cosmic Benevolence, and I'll keep the silly name tag if you see me first.

Well, good night, this time for real. See you all on the other side.

>>55310374
>>55310576
Have a good night, hopefully you get some rest and feel better. Like I said, I'm just happy to have people read my stuff and offer any meaningful feedback. I really want to get back into writing because it's something I enjoy, and sharing it at all is the first meaningful step.

I really tried to give real character to the unknown protagonist through indirect characterization, instead of just leaving it vague and spooky. You know an inch at the beginning, but the book tells you more about the protagonist in one paragraph than the entire story does. I thought that was a neat way of doing it, but I couldn't quite grasp how to use the book as a character, so I tried to incorporate some uncanny dialogue to make it seem like something that might be human, but is distinctly off.

>>55306114
>Also, in regards to the second paragraph, I'm a bit confused about the space. You found the book in on a pedestal in a sewer?

This bothered me too, but I assumed it was poetically referring to the sewer drain as a pedestal; I didn't think it was awkward enough to pinpoint so I just covered it under the "purple prose" comment, but in retrospect I probably should have pointed to it directly.

>>55310926

Maybe just because I already read the first version, I felt like the ant segment foreshadowing was too on-the-nose, particularly with the mention of them right before he makes his final request BUT maybe just lengthening "Thinking back to my poor ants" with just a few words explaining why he thought back to them, like something along the lines of "so humans don't keep making those kinds of mistakes of misunderstanding" or something, more concise than that but explaining whatever you have in mind of his motivation in making the request, something that's less obvious than "Why didn't it occur to you that the entity is going to drown you in cola?!?" a reason that thinking of the ants would not occur to him as a warning but instead as an inspiration, and if you pulled that off I think it would retroactively make the opening paragraph work as currently written.

The additional second-to-last paragraph is a solid addition still begs the question how is he narrating, but that's not really a big deal and the re-done delivery of the book. It's definitely more of a short story proper now, imo.

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To the anon above me, at least bump with IMAGES!

>>55311892
Sorry, I meant to reply to >>55311599

>>55298179
>manling

Instantly makes me think of Gotrek

Other than that, the fact that it's almost entirely dialogue (and probably to an extent my preconceptions from the context of the board we're on) makes me feel that it reads like an RPG encounter rather than a story. Also the mix of too-modern and too-literary word-choices here and there (not a huge problem, mind, it just contributes to an overall sense).

If you want to improve your prose (instead of this just being a one-off experiment or w/e) you might try thinking a little more cinematically, just a few descriptions of scenery, the bird lazily flapping across their path or squawking from its perch, the clammy fog swirling about the beast's heavy feet, the wet rustle of the damp trees in the breeze, things like that which at face value are kind of just filler but contribute to more of a sense of time and place and immersion. Granted you have the picture right there for your audience to refer to, but still.

You do have some of it, but it can be used to indicate pauses in speech, instead of only using a physical or nonverbal response on the part of the characters in that role. A long conversation tends inevitably to dominate the prose until it's complete, but unless it really is rapid-fire back and forth, especially if it's a "walking conversation" there will probably be more pauses, mullings over, and so forth, as opposed to say sitting in a diner or behind a counter or something where it will be more of a seinfeld or clerks rapidfire exchange.

Also, the tendency to describe through the mouths of the characters, rather than the narrator (who is kind of a non-entity), makes me think of an RPG or even a play.

Anyway idk if you wanted this much feedback but there you go. An interesting direction to take with the source pic.

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>>55311780
Thanks anon, I appreciate you giving it a read and putting in some time. I know the intro isn't exactly subtle, particularly when I use it later in the story as dialogue from the book, but that was a rewrite. Originally I had the book say something closer to the original, but it wasn't impactful, it was just detached and weird. I'm still not sure how to connect it, but I slapped in a couple of lines to try and convey that thought, and I'll work on a more precise way of doing it.

I'm glad you liked that added paragraph, that was all I wanted to write in the first place so it made me happy. Now I'm actually writing something about pic related, we'll see if it's any good when I'm done.

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>>55305421
>lel sorry babe, this thing's got a mind of its own! :^)

>>55312108
Thanks for the feedback i appreciate it. It was just a little experiment but ill put some more serious work into it later.

>>55313633

It simply rested there, in the doorway, its suckered tentacles lazily swaying this way and that, without much intent. Its black eye, a bowling-ball of an eye, bored into me, slick and unblinking, the surrounding face of tan rubber molded into a kind of disapproving grimace.

Pointedly, I took another bite of my calamari, set the fork down as I chewed, and wiped my mouth with my napkin.

The eye blinked.

I shrugged.

It would be yet another difficult night.

>>55299991
The tour guide continued. "And of course there is the other legend in which the reason why there were not that many guardsmen stationed in King LeTruss' castle grounds and surrounding lands. And it is because fearsome beasts ranging from wolves, bears and wild boars acted as the most common gurdians and protectors of King LeTruss' lands and castle and many tales and accounts of bandits and highwaymen being mauled and torn to shreds by the bears and wolves while others being impaled by the tusks of boars." Some tourists whispered to one another to express amazement as the tour guide continued again.

"The reason for such beasts to act as the guardians and protectors of the surrounding lands of King LeTruss? It was another one of the blessings made by "The Lady of The Woods." Again, it was also thanks to Orvain LeTruss' love for the beauty of nature and the respect of wild animals and the beasts of the fields. And you may all know and see this throne room also features large windows behind the throne and where the king sat. That is because Orvain LeTruss ordered those windows so that; again according to legends, The Lady of The Woods and the animals that respected King LeTruss could see the king himself. Seated in his throne, making royal decrees, conducting certain sessions in the throne room and also to see King LeTruss dub new knights for his lands, his armies, and his kingdom. Alas when King Orvain LeTruss was dying, reaching of old age, he had ordered his crown to be seated on his throne until a new heir claims the throne and rights for being the new ruler of these lands. And so Orvain's son Hugo, also took the same hobbies and interest of his father. Such as tending the gardens and aking offers to mother nature and especially The Lady of The Woods."

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Last one. I only have a chance to post here every few weeks. Wanted to put up some art.

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>>55328899
>彼女と彼女の猫
Good taste.

>>55328912
What do you do that you can only access 4chan every few weeks?

Well, let me tell you a story. A story of a great campaign ruined by so many factors, that it still hurts today.
This story contains minor spoilers to the Curse of Strahd campaign.

I was searching for a online D&D-group since there weren't many groups near me at this time and i stumbled upon an offer for a Lost Mines of Phandelver group. Happily i applied, but because the DM chose a day, where i couldn't find any time.
I mailed the DM, that i really was interested in playing this campaign in his group and that it was a pity, that i couldn't find any time. The DM replied, that there still was place in his Curse of Strahd-Campaign since 2 other players dropped out for different reasons. I accepted and was quite excited for this new group.
Some time passed. A friend of mine, which was playing with another player of the Phandelver group, told me, that 4 out of 6 players dropped out of this group after the first session, 1 of them even after only 2 hours.
>> This should have been a dire warning.
The Curse of Strahd players were presented to me as followed:
- Female player with Wood Elf Life Cleric (Cleric called after this), which refused to level up since she wasn't proficient in the english language.
- Male player with Wood Elf Ranger (Ranger), which got a nice cursed bow from Count Strahd of Zarovich personally, after he killed the crying crazy woman in Barovia after an Admiral Ackbar moment.
- Male player with a Human Moon Druid (Druid), which got a round flight in the country at level 2, since the rules for a moon druid were explained wrongly.
- Male player with Tiefling Great Old One Warlock (Warlock), which lacked his pact boon at 3rd level, since he had the sudden idea, that running into CQC with AC 11-12 is actually a bad idea.

The DM allowed me to play anything i wanted. Anything. I was like "Ok, let's show him a lession, that allowing anything in 5th edition isn't that great."
>> Went for a Svirfneblin Vengeance Paladin
tbc

>>55332793
Idealistic me: They are beginners ... Let's ... give them a chance and teach them a bit about the rules..."

Joined into the game, were fluffing a bit and went to Barovia to bring children from the Old Bonegrinder to Barovia to drop them at the Inn for their safety.
Hmm... Let's take a look for the local priest, since rumors say, that his son is a vampire.
>> Going to the church.
>> Nobody's home.

I sensed something undead beneath us, so our group went for the cellar.
I sneaked forward and found this foul creature called Doru.
>> Roll for initiative.
>> Nobody but me knew, that a paladin is actually good against undead and does some damage against them.
After 3 rounds Doru lay down, slain by the eldritch blast of Warlock.
>> Nothing to do here anymore. Let's go to the Inn for rest and drink.

DM as the innkeeper: "Hey you're back, after actually 18 seconds!"

>> facepalm.jpg
During the rest, the DM changed the TS channel with Ranger.
>>Pally me highly distrusts him already.
Session ends.

The next session we went to the Wizards of Wine Winery and along the way we saw a black coach.
In this coach lay the Invitation for Dinner from none other than Strahd personally.
The Ranger player got banned after he left early, since he is always tired and not really interested in the game. So the DM took the opportunity and let the NPC Ranger got into the Cabin.
The Cleric followed. Druid, Warlock and me refused to get in and i tried to save at least her by a Command spell, which failed.
>>Coach closed and went off to Castle Ravenloft.
>>That epic partysplit.

TBC

>>55332793
>>55332865

We got to the great sea in the northern part of the county (forgot the name).
Found the fisherman, that threw a sack with a little girl in it overboard. Heroic Party consisting of me, Druid and Warlock saved her and followed this brute.

Session ends.
>> DM has no idea what to do with the Cleric.

After this session we met a guest player with his character at the local inn. We didn't know, what class he did have, but after some rolls i guessed it must have been a rogue... A rogue, which was at least 3-4 levels higher than our party.

We got the brute, we took the girl and went out to the Vistani encampment, south west of our village. We brought her to her father, rested there and next day we returned to the village.

A NPC called Ismark the Lesser begged us to retrieve some old bones of a Saint from under the church to bring it to an alchemist for some amulets.
We got in the church, lured the priest out and retrieved the bones and headed back to village Barovia.
It got night, the guest player woke me up for guard duty.
>> DM calls for Perception roll, which i failed, and changed the channel with the guest player.
>> I see damage rolls against me.
>> Roll for Initiative.
>> Level 7 Thief w/ higher AC than me, filled up to the top with magical items, and around 150 HP.
The items were: two +1 daggers, +1 longbow, +1 hand crossbow, +1 studded leather and some amulet i forgot.

>>I die.
The rest group, namely Druid and Warlock, buried me since i was really pissed off and went for village Barovia. The alchemist is dead for at least 30 years.
>> DM didn't allow me a roll to remember this alchemist, although i lived in this countryside for quite a long time.
Session ends, after i ragequitted for some time.
The guest player actually wanted to play with us further, but with a real character and not some DM-plotted assassin.
>> Ok, you little bastard of DM. Now i show my greater powergaming build.
TBC

>>55315767
And so the LeTruss family continued this tradition of honoring and respecting nature and the animals of the fields to honor their great patriarch Orvain and also to honor The Lady of The Woods who has granted the people of these lands good luck and fortune. And as mentioned earlier, this throne room features these large windows so that as according to legends. The Lady of The Woods may look after King Orvain LeTruss, his family, descendants and the castle as return of favor for the honorable things he has done for Mother Nature. Which has pleased the Wood Nymphs and other magical wood land entities such as the ever mysterious and still-yet-to-be-fully-known Lady of The Woods. And lastly it is also said that The LeTruss Royal Crown is to be laid down on the throne whenever the king of Ordonia passes away. For The Lady of The Woods enchanted that very crown in which when ever the wearer; the kings of Ordonia who're also the descendants of King Orvain, were to die and or pass away. Their spirits will be rested here on the forests of Ordonia where they will spend their after lives under the gentle and motherly care of The Lady of The Woods and her Wood Nymph sisters."

The tour guide's further explaination of the throne ended as he paused for a few minutes to let the tourists take in the sights of the throne room for a moment. After about five minutes the tour guide piped up again.

"Alright folks, I hope you all enjoyed the tour of The LeTruss Royal Family's Throne Room. Now let us continue the rest of the LeTruss Castle's Tour as next stop, we head to gallery of Anna LeTruss. King Orvain's beloved sister, as while King Orvain was a renowned gardener and nature lover, Anna LeTruss was a painter, artist and lover of all things art."

And with that the tour guide leads the crowd of tourists out of the throne room, leaving it empty as the doors close shut and the electric lights turn off. Leaving the room illuminated by the afternoon sunlight.

...

>>55332962
>>55332865
>>55332793

1 week later. DM mails me, that he posted something on the group forum and i should participate.

>> DM was like: "I dislike D&D. It's a board game. I like Curse of Stahd and want to change the system to Savage Worlds. Who wants it this way too?"
>> 4 for a change and 0 against.

I quit. And it was one of my best decisions in my entire life.

Lession learned: When 4 out of 6 players quit a group after or during the first session, it might be the DM's fault.

Questions left?

>>55332974
Well there you go, end for this short idea after seeing >>55299056 and also for my part for this week.

Bye.

>>55314921
>500 days of summer
>how to court a girl
no

>>55294525
Excellent stuff. Found a minor spelling/grammar error, (wrong "you're" in "by the gods you're thick, boy") but other than that, it's some good world building while also introducing us to Shaun and setting the tone for the story.

>>55299819
>The beast's voice shook the trees.
FTFY.

So a while back I wrote a short bit for a thread about Kriegers in 40k. I still had it filed away, so I figured I would knock out the next bit and post it here, though I dunno if anyone remembers the chain of threads. Was fun coming back to it though.

Here's the link, critique always welcome.

https://pastebin.com/bAzcTxyE

>>55347817
Good story, anon.

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>>55347817
Pretty fuckin' good m8. Please continue.

>>55207355
Love it. It's really short but gets the job done in that brevity. Was ambiguity the deliberate meaning? Because I'm not sure if I can discern what the final statement meant, otherwise. Might just be me though.