Modern Magical News Thread

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>>55137368
Are the potions of youth still being used by pedophiles?

>>55139066
>Not women using potions of youth for vanity purposes leading to it becoming fashionable to look as young as possible while still being a functional adult

>>55139189
Yes, exactly, practical pedophilia. It's still a random roll for youthening effects, not like they can control exactly what age they'll end up as.

They're 45 but look 12.

>>55139303
I'm concerned.

I feel like the outrage over this is overblown. Love itself is a series of chemical signals in our brain anyway. That being said I don't see this market lasting long, the dependency is way too skeevy

It has potential application in therapy though.

RESTRICT THE SALE AND OWNERSHIP OF WANDS! OUR STREETS AREN'T SAFE!

>>55139420
You dumb fuckers I can make a wand at home with some yew and dragon shit.

>>55139393
But it's a magical world. Love is a state of the immortal ethereal soul, which is an indivisible and pure thing. The difference between free actions and manipulated actions is binary and absolute.

>>55139435
Yeah, if you want a 50% chance of magical mishap. I had a friend, Yegrith the Jovial. He was a great guy. SHE is now married to a goblin merchant and popping out kids every other month.

>>55139460
>This is what the church of Sun actually believes

>>55139460
LOVE IS THE PERVUE OF THE GODS! HOW DARE YOU SPREAD SUCH BLASPHEMIES!

>>55139481
...tell me more and be erotically descriptive

>>55139435
How do you collect the dragon shit? Seems like a dangerous profession.

>>55137368
>quality controlled love potions to couples
Yeah, sure, "love potions". Have you seen how much praise the alchemical companies are getting from said couples?

It's just another way to keep the high up populace happy and compliant.

>>55139500
>>55139460
The church of Sune has arrived, abandon thread

>>55139513
Prunes, sheep, and waiting

>>55139510
Not much to tell. He made a Wand of Polymorph. It blew up which detonated his potion still, and "he" was never quite right again.

>>55139303
You can't blame female vanity on pedophiles.

>>55139583
>Trying to cottage craft a wand for a 5th circle spell

Lmao red necks

>>55139606
I said he was "the Jovial," not "the Startlingly Bright."

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>>55139510
I can do that... for money!

>>55139600
The vanity, no, but it's unreasonable to expect taxpayers to foot the bill for Lenses of Truesight for all our police force to tell actual child abuse from consenting adult relations.

>>55139647
God damn it, I told you not to 'work' in here!

>>55139606
>not using milsurp staves cut down to wand size
>not pressing your own core from milled unicorn horn
>not using handmade ethereal bits to etch incantations into the spirit wood.
Fucking city boys think that just because something can be done quickly with a machine that it can't be done by hand.

>>55139647
>>55139666
I'm gonna need lenses of true seeing and a new hip after I'm done pounding the shit out of this sweet thang.

>>55139701
Sawing down a milsurp staff is illegal Cletus - assuming you aren't an ATM Honeypot fishing for idiots - and unicorns are endangered

>>55139724
Scrolls of Summoning are cheap. Get a punt gun, mount it to something, cast the spell inside a trap, and BOOM!

Unicorn horn.

>killing unicorns

Enjoy your visit from the gentry

>>55139666
Except that isn't an issue because you don't detect child abuse by having police patrol the inside of peoples houses looking to catch molesters in the act and someone can just show a cop their drivers license. You're just a faggot who wants to police behavior you personally find distasteful.

>>55139810
Hey, fuck you! It's reprehensible! How can you defend it!? People who hook up with the age displaced have a screw loose. Or they're hobbit-holers.

>>55139724
I sent my paperwork to the alchemical, transmutable, and fantastical agency. My short hafted staff is legal. I have the paperwork. The unicorn horn is surplus from wizard war 2. SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

>>55139855
Freedom is people doing things you don't like.

>>55139911
Didn't you hear? It's illegal to even OWN anything with genuine unicorn horn these days.

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>>55139855
>Not liking Hobbit chicks

>>55139942
You don't have the freedom to break the law, dumbass!

>>55139943
It's grandfathered in. Didn't you know that? Anything enchanted before 882 is legally transferable. If it's more than 1,000 years old it's not even legally a wand, you can have it shipped to your door. It's great.

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>>55139780
My father made a living ranching unicorns and so did his father before him and his father before him.
These blessings are my property and I'll do with them what I want. The people relie on little ol' me to to bring them their unicorn foie gras and I'll give it to them come hell or high water.
So let them fae bastids come, I'll be waiting for them with my varmint popper.

>>55139911

>implying Roosevelt signed the Unicorn Herd Expansion Act so you could jerk off to the Second Amendment

We didn't make the Artefactorum of Democracy so you could walk around with your magical bling, Hank. People died fighting Gargamort the Vile, man. Think of their sacrifice before you use that shit to go squirrel transmuting or whatever it is you hicks do out in Appalachia.

>>55139953
Hobbits are fine... GREAT food. I wouldn't want my son bringing one home.

>>55139992
When I LEGALLY kill an owlbear during hunting season I am doing more to conserve our magical forests than you hippy Druids have done in your entire lives! If it weren't for law abiding hunters like me, invasive predators like dragons and shogoth would have driven the majestic unicorn to extinction decades ago! Now people like me try to protect them, to give them a carefully balanced life so their numbers can flourish and THIS is the thanks we get.

>>55139911

>owning a sawed-off and claiming it's legal

What's next, enchanted rifles? Next you'll be telling us private citizens should be allowed to own their own golem forge.

>>55139959
If this was the case law enforcement wouldn't exist.

Also laws which violate the personal freedoms of individuals for no good reason (your personal outrage is not a good reason) are unjust and unjust laws should not exist and should not be obeyed when they do.

>>55140046
>Unjust
>Laws keeping people from taking advantage of the age displaced and might lead to people actually pushing for the normalization of it
>Unjust

Disintegrate yourself, degenerate.

>>55140038

If all you did was go kill your one owlbear a season, I might be willing to give you a pass. But it's hunters like you who scare off large parts of the ecosystem with your Illusory Calls, and that's not even talking about the idiot who decided to go hunting with a homemade Wand of Flaming Buckshot. We still haven't put out all of the fires from that, and I mean that literally!

>>55140096
>Hating on Scatterbrand wands

You're from up north, ain't ya.

>>55140086
>People who are age displaced are that way on purpose and with full knowledge of what it entails
>muh consent!
You're one of those "drunk sex is rape" people I see.

>>55140046

All you need to solve this problem is to get all of the population to agree to undergo some very basic curses: No larceny, no murder, no adultery, no pedophilia. It gets real easy to figure out who's done what if they get warts or boils on doing it.

>>55140121
It is, but that's beside the point. I'm saying that their consent and ability to not withstanding, law enforcement has to investigate it, and that wastes taxpayer money!

>>55140113

It's not the buckshot spells so much as the elemental attunements. Nobody needs to inflict an ice spell on wild game, let alone home defense. That shit's cruel and unusual and you know it.

>>55140131
>Minor disfigurements

Make their skin flash neon and their hair scream.

>>55140096
i know my rights.AM I BEING DETAINED?

>>55140154
Look, when I'm hunting salamanders, you're god damn right I'm using an ice attunement. I mean, why shouldn't I take whatever advantage I can? Next you'll tell me using illusory lures or hiring rangers is bad.

>>55140157

That's a state-by-state issue, in my opinion. But the curse program has led to vastly decreased recidivism in the 12 states that have implemented it. I never thought I'd see Chicago brought back from the brink, but here we are in Umbra 72, 4th Turning.

>>55140142
Investigate what, exactly?

If two consenting adults have sex, no crime is reported. If no crime is reported there's nothing to investigate.

>>55140154
I'll defend my home with what ever I deem necessary, "cruel and unusual " is a restriction placed on the prison system, not on a free citizen. You ever hear the story about the guy who had to defend his home with the anti-golem ballista he was cleaning when two orcs broke into his house? You tell me that he could have made it all the way inside, opened his politically correct magical safe, pulled out a "safe" 9manamemter wand and warded off two raged up orc berserkers and I'll tell you where to shove your lies.

>>55140217

How often do a pair of Orc Zerkers show up to loot and pillage? They're what, 8 percent of the population? And the number who can go berserk is less than 1% of that number?

>>55140186

Fucking Fudd up in this bitch, I see. What's next, a deer blind? If you're hunting Salamanders just go Adamantian-tipped; you already outed yourself as having the money to hire a Ranger, at least this way you can own your kill

>>55140239
>How often do a pair of Orc Zerkers show up to loot and pillage?
I live in Atlanta. I use Acid Arrow.

>>55140239
We don't all live in floating, ivory towers with guard simulacrums posted on every floor, court wizard.

Anons, I need some help with counterspelling a wish. After a recent storm, I found a frog stuck in my backyard swimming pool. I netted it out and it turned out to be a magic wish granting frog, possibly some kind of fae I guess? Anyways I wished for immortality and it turned me into a fucking elf and I can't stop craving dicks now. I need this shit to end, elves aren't even allowed my my neighborhood, if my neighbors find out I'm fucked.

Also does anyone know where I can get in touch with a kobold with specifically red dragon blood, any other type will not do, it's a long story and my archeo-halo projector is broken and apparently this is the only way to fix this particular issue it has.

>>55140267

Maybe if you cracked open a magical tome or two, visited your local Hall of Secrets to do something other than hit on the librarian, you might be able to change that situation and move out of the sticks

>>55140203
Are you really such a dumbass? It's a shield law. People start fucking actual kids and saying 'I had no idea she wasn't 18!' An investigation HAS TO HAPPEN. A lot of abuse doesn't get reported till later.

And you'd better believe if I see somebody walking around with what looks like a 13 to 14 year old, I'm calling the cops.

>>55140293

>Also does anyone know where I can get in touch with a kobold with specifically red dragon blood, any other type will not do, it's a long story and my archeo-halo projector is broken and apparently this is the only way to fix this particular issue it has.

Post a listing on Sageslist and hope you get lucky?

>>55140299
Again "No I definitely am 18 here's my state ID" and there's no investigation.

>>55140264
It was hypothetical, you feeblemimded cunt. And you're giving me shit about hiring a ranger when you casually throw out "Just use adamantine hurr hurr hurr"? What do I look like, William of the Gates?

>>55137368
Please every sensible alchemist knows that selling buff potions to adventurers is where the real money is.

>>55140296
You don't even know how to properly and legally handle unicorn horn, don't condescend to me because you sold out to some hoity college that has forgotten that magic comes from the earth and not from a book.

>>55140325

And certainly kids never get forged IDs for anything like access to a Potion Shop or anything. And what about the opposite? Here's a hypothetical for you: a 14 year old gets hold of a Draught of Aging because the kids are teasing her about being a late bloomer. She drinks it and bam, she's suddenly physically 25.

>>55140314
This.

>Sagelist

My fucking sides, man!

>>55140299
>And you'd better believe if I see somebody walking around with what looks like a 13 to 14 year old, I'm calling the cops.
I'm pretty sure they'll start fining you after the second time you call them just because you saw a parent taking his kid somewhere. If you're lucky.

>>55140359
>Adventurers
>Not athletes

>>55140389

Athletes are all about the enchanted enhancements nowadays. An athlete breaks his leg badly, has to get a titanium splint put in, but what they don't tell anyone is that shit's inscribed. Runes, man. Runes are where the money's at.

>tfw elf wizard at academy
>not concerned too much with dating
>roommate is a human valor bard
>finds out I'm a virgin over shots
>makes it his goal to get me laid this semester
Part of me wonders if it's worth it. I'm pretty sure he has Barbarian levels too.

>>55140368
Every cop car in every first world country can verify an ID by its ID number in 30 seconds.

>>55140372
It's better to be fined if I stop even ONE of you perverts! I'd take a shillelagh to you myself if I didn't have a backbiter curse on me!

>>55140416

>bard with barbarian levels at an academy

Is he someone's son? How'd he get in?

>>55140414
No argument. I ALMOST apprenticed to a runecaster, but my dad beat my ass. "We're a MILLITARY family, amd you're gonna be a soldier!"

>>55140299
>be me, at the shopping mall open dating my youth potion addicted girlfriend
>in the build-a-werebear workshop and some soccer mom sees my "13" year old GF
>starts screaming in my face about abuse and pedophilia.
>we try to slip away but the hag grabs my arm and far casts to the town guard
>a centaur comes galloping up and when he sees some vile witch screaming at the top of her longs he instantly brings out his wand of lesser lightning bolt
>soccer mom is screaming at the coptaur that I'm abusing an innocent, defenseless girl
>GF show the cop her ID, he tells us we are free to go
>soccer mom loses her shit, shoves the cop and tries to take a swing at me
>cop blasts her with a spark, she falls to the floor twitching
>everyone in the store starts applauding
>coptaur and I trade girlfriends that night, I got to taste horsepussy, he stretched my GF more than she's ever been stretched before
>we still go to the magicanium to try out new wands together

>>55140416
Don't give in to emotion, Do Your Research.
There are some spells that ONLY virgins can cast
and vice versa, spells that ONLY people that have been laid can cast. Once given, virginity can never be taken back short of a divine intervention. So make sure you're not cutting yourself off from the spellcrafting that you want to do.

>>55140439
His dad's rich, I figure. I don't know how smart he actually is, but he's lined up for a decent degree, so maybe I'm just judging him because he's really raucous.

>>55140157
Awful idea. They tried it in the town next to mine and juvenile delinquents started doing fairy dust in front of the goddamn cops just to get the "cool glowing skin". Astral displacement-induced meltdowns tripled in six months.

>>55140470
>Letting your GF fuck a halfling
Ew.

>>55140473
>Reincarnation isn't a thing

>>55140476

If his dad's someone, might be good to network with him if it doesn't interfere with your studies.

>>55140496
I think centaurs would be more like a six fourths-ling

>>55140483
That sounds really, really funny, ngl.

>>55140515
Yeah good luck coming back as a fucking dwarf or lizardman and losing all your practical magic and getting disowned.

>>55140529
Half a human, they're a halfling.

>>55140551

That's not how it works and you know it.

>>55140565
Maybe not in more "PC" places, but it's the truth. If you ain't human, you ain't shit.

>>55140581

Free association, bitch. People can fuck who they like and their kids ain't earned any sort of hate for who their parents were.

>>55140293
You found a magic wish granting frog and actually asked it for something? Holy shit anon, you were asking for it. When was the last time you watched the news? There's a reason the fuckers are arrested on sight, ever since the Nine Year Rain they've got a massive chip on their shoulder against anything bipedal.

As for the kobold thing, it'd be expensive (lots of demand for the little buggers), but if you're really strapped for cash the ear fetishists are gonna get you loaded for a few hours of work. In more than one way, hur hur.

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mfw my cutie girlfriend admitted that she's really a silver dragon. You faggots have fun with your shortstacks you'll never manage to pierce, I'm going spelunking.

>>55140605
What color is the sky in your world?

>>55140636

A lovely taupe, usually.

>>55140581
>human
>no strength
>no intellect
>short life span
>you all hate each other
Even the orcs are better than you, at least they take care of their families. I used to work in a human "nursing" home, it's disgusting what humans will do to their own parents.

>>55140636
>not living in the Astral Plane
Feel sorry for you.

>>55140625
How old, though? You might need a scuba suit. https://youtu.be/--tFqSFgF-k

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>>55137368
I know mages aren't supposed to bitch when vengeance goes helter-skelter, but I need to get this off my chest.

>Asshole in evocation keeps setting me on fire.
>Parents spending $200 on healing potions a week
>Several girls say they remember him approaching and saying something, then waking up in bathroom with clothes undone.
>Graduate, and plot revenge.
>Takes so much favors, cash, and snoping around I can't type it all out without needing another drink
>Develop spell to:
>1. Give him a neverending bladder full of bullet ants.
>2. Cause hallucinations of being trapped in hell.
>3. Randomly scramble his motor functions.
>Call it, "Fuck You, Chad."
>Prepare for my revenge
>I find out, just three days prior to my finishing the spell, he went and groped the archmage's daughter
>Not even ash left of him or his lab.

Anyway... I have a book of said spell, transcribed. There's no one else I can justify using this shit on.

$50k or best offer. I don't believe this shit.

>>55140660
Greened cuck.

>>55140675
Don't buy. It's a keyed curse and the only person it would work on doesn't exist any more.

>>55140675
>Being bullied by an Evocation student
What the elf were you doing?

>>55140682
>green
>he doesn't know I'm gray
N'wa, please.

>>55140414
It's either inscribed or made out of some alchemical created alloy.
>>55140675
You should have got a ring of fire resistance.

>>55140675
Wait and see if his parents resurrect him, you may still get your chance anon!

>>55140675
>Parents spend assloads on healing potions
>Not buying a simple 'Protection from Elements' charm

Your family hated you.

>>55140720
HAHAHAHA, oh god, thank you for making me laugh, I needed that.

His mother is a polymorph prostitute in vegas and his dad sold his soul for a million bucks (paid in confederate money, classy, demon, classy), then got shot in a drive-by.

No one's resurrecting this asshat.

>>55140708
No, I went the extra mile, just in case he had some transmutation shit I didn't expect.

>>55140719
I did. Fucker researched improved elemental penetration just to keep fucking with me.

>>55140784
Wow, they must have been a real tool.

>>55140784
>his dad sold his soul for a million bucks (paid in confederate money, classy, demon, classy), then got shot in a drive-by.
And we got the money back, too (read the fine print: because his soul is ours, all possessions go to us after his death). You mortals never learn.

Guys, freaking out here. My roommate was a diviner. Needless to say, having him as an buddy had some serious perks.

I found him today, slumped over his desk, empty bottle of lethal poison in his hand. There was a note in his handwriting. I know enough scrying to know he wrote it of his own free will.

He was doing some hefty divining shit- like, his room was covered in pages of formulas and latin, arabic, and hebrew chants. Had a massive Metatron's Cube drawn in the center of the room as well- pretty sure that's the realm of alchemists.

His note warned to burn everything. As far as I or his professor can tell, he was trying to calculate and forsee the most probable future of this world in 100 years as an experiment.

Could someone clear thoughts me on this? The implications if he got it right- and this is someone who found shit for the college staff, mind- are horrifying.

>>55140865

It's shit like this that's making me take Infernal contract law instead of something my parents wanted like sports law or being a litigator. Nothing makes me harder than watching you fiends throw a tanty when you realize you've been out-argued.

>>55140824
Apple, tree, etc.
>>55140865
I took daemonology. I know enough to realize there is literally nothing worth my signature on anything you give me.

The confederate money was a nice touch, though. Though it baffles me why you would go through so much trouble when, from what I heard, he was headed your direction all along.

>>55140893
Why the fuck are you writing on here?

When a college hired diviner kills himself and says "Burn everything", you BURN EVERYTHING.

It wasn't 'when' he saw that he killed himself over, it was 'who'.

There are things that really don't like people spying on them. Sorry, but take it from me, your friend made the right decision. His soul still exists.

Now burn his shit before this happens again.

>>55140937
>The confederate money was a nice touch, though. Though it baffles me why you would go through so much trouble when, from what I heard, he was headed your direction all along.
All his possessions. You think he sold his soul because he needed the money? If that were it, he'd be asking for a lot more. Fuck no, he was one of those types that wanted the rush of a Faustian bargain he'd try to squirm out of at a later date.
>>55140894
Why not join our ranks? I know a good firm.

>>55140893
>Had a massive Metatron's Cube drawn in the center of the room as well- pretty sure that's the realm of alchemists.
Burn everything, DO NOT speak with the dead. There's a self-replicating spell pattern in his brain. Contact temporal cleanup on astral.

DO NOT SPEAK WITH DEAD.

>>55140893
Seeing future is HARD. There's a reason why the few diviners who get into that business stick to fortune telling and the occasional stock trading instead of trying to make concrete predictions more than a few hours into the future. Most likely he screwed up the spell and either a)Became convinced that his nightmares would come true b)instead of seeing the most likely future, he saw ALL the futures, and the strain just drove him insane b)he caught the attention of the Hounds of Tindalos or something equally(or more) horrifying and realized that suicide was the least bad option

>>55140986

I'm rather attached to my conscience.

>>55141010
We can help with that!

Don't go with their firm, though.

>>55141010
>I'm rather attached to my conscience.
You say that now...
>>55141033
Fuck off, yugoloth scum.

>>55141033

I'm enough attached to it that I don't want you to remove it, though. Besides, what you guys do is just wrong. I don't mean wrong in the sense that it's evil - though it's that too - but I mean it's poorly done.

>>55140982
Man, I knew a guy like that, couple years above me. You know the type, brilliant when it comes to redefining magical theory as we know it, but too fucking dumb to realize why we call them "things that man was not meant to know". Dude was on the fast track to high offices, getting invites to brunch with archmages every week and shit, real talented. Then one day he doesn't show up, they come to his place looking for him amd what do you think they find? Him splattered across three walls and the ceiling, and that's in the dimensions we got to see before they sealed it off. Is why they put those regulations up on dealing with Gravity Elementals last year.

Anyone else really hate Thrallherds?

I do, and I work in an office with one of them.

Now I know he can't help his "condition.", but I hate feeling like a nameless background character in a harem anime.

I'm just glad for being among the recently deceased, never really thought that being immune to mind control would come up in my line of work.

>>55140893
>>55141762
Aren't there restrictions on magical research in these universities to prevent these kinds of mishaps? Don't let people divine too far ahead, and don't let people experiment with elementals without the proper facilities.

Wizarding schools. No sense of right or wrong.

>>55142042
You have to have a pulse to post.

>>55142240
No I bloody don't.

And for the record...you do know I could rip you apart like damp tissue paper, right?

I mean, I wouldn't, that would just be stereotypical...but I'm just giving you fair warning so you don't make the mistake again.

>>55142100
The thing about regulations in magical universities is that 90% of the time they're the type that are accompanied by a "Sure, NOW it's obvious".

>>55142310
>I mean, I wouldn't, that would just be stereotypical...but I'm just giving you fair warning so you don't make the mistake again.
you talk big but let's see you step onto consecrated ground and say that, undead scum

>>55142310
And this is why the undead should all be put down.

>>55142310
>I could rip you apart like damp tissue paper
>guy without muscle mass is gonna rip me apart
>while weighing 15% of what good old flesh and blood does
lol this guy

>>55142356
>>55142358
Like I said, fair warning.

Why is it, whenever I bring up being undead, you religious types break out the blacklisted magic? You do know they've passed laws that stop people consecrating ground or water in public places after all the attacks on devils?

>>55142509
Don't threaten me, maggot-head. You and all you slimy shambling faggots need to die. "Fail warning" my fleshed ass.

>>55142509
Oh. OHH. Now it makes sense, you're literally living in one of the literal hellholes where the devils are in control.

How do you like the devils taxing every thirdborn child's soul and the sacrifices? How's that working out for you? Do the rich and the undead still get exemptions?

>>55142509
>Goes internet tough skelly
>Gets told the fuck off
>I-I was just giving fair warning guys I didn't mean it
Can't take the sunlight get off the surface.

>>55142509
>yeah guys I could totally put your skin backwards and then eat your innards in the middle of the street, but undead are totally safe to have around normal people
Enjoy your new unlife once we vote you back to the graveyard on october, and remember: this time it'll be SOUL binding

>>55142554
Okay for the record I'm actually a vampire, so I'm not sure where you're getting this zombie stuff from.

>>55142570
Oh I'm not bothered about your "Holy water" or "consecrated ground" myself. But I'm pretty sure that are people who do care and would definitely be interested to know how came by that stuff.

>>55142456
>>55142596
Yeah, no, I would actually crush you.

This is a fun thread.

>>55142782
>I'm a vampire spawn
Ftfy.
Enjoy being Daddy Strahd's bitch for all time.

>>55142852
And it was at this moment I realised I no longer gave a shit.

Seriously though, I love this thread,
we should do more of these.

Maybe next time I'll be a Mindflayer.

>>55142782
You're all the same, maggot head.

>>55142782
>I'm actually a vampire

ahaha
AHAHAHAHAA

The One Direction of undead? No wonder you feel the need to overcompensate on a Sumerian palm-reading forum.

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>>55143007
I know. I think I'll be a drow immigrant cliche next time.
>Silver Champions beat Gold Samurai 9-6 in tournament finals
ORIENTALFAGS BTFO
HAHA TASTE REAL STEEL
R E A L S T E E L

>>55143088
...Says the Aboleth who can't use an ATM without drying himself out.

You people are the monkeys paw of an ancient civilisation; big enough collective memory to have your own solid state banking complex...too fat and sluggish to use a digital card reader.

>>55143026
Did you just accuse me of being a terrorist?

>>55143149
If I do go for a mind flayer, I'll probably alternate between complaining about how
this was what lead to my race travelling back in time to begin with...and complaining about my ergonomic mouse.

>>55140265
Confirmed for not from Atlanta. City got infested with west coast elves better part of a decade ago. It's all overpriced mixed use tree complexes now except for the pocked dimensional bits in unincorporated dekalb.

>>55137368
>After many months of Communion with the messengers of god, the church has declared shotguns as a recognized symbol of divinity.
>Paladins and clerics rejoice while evil trembles.

>>55139547
>Prunes, sheep, and waiting
Enjoy having to plow your driveway.

>>55147331
It's a living
>>55140019
What the actual fuck. Hobbits are like, the only ones who aren't assholes except maybe dwarves

>>55139460
>The difference between free actions and manipulated actions is binary and absolute.

I don't think I've ever heard a more fictitious statement.

So, anybody here think the dark elf lifestyle is hot?

>>55143088
>The One Direction of undead?
kek

>>55150579
No...haven't they been spouting off about how they're going to pool their magical clout and Locate a City into oblivion?

>>55150579
lolno

Frostbox manufacturering company, FrostWall, is denying claims that their food-chilling boxes are designed to break after only a few years.

File: 011[1].png (262KB, 970x1400px) Image search: [Google]

262KB, 970x1400px

>>55137368
>Using magic where science suffices
Get on my level

So I'm a human dating this tight little halfling chick; I'm an apothecary by trade and I like to toss in polymorph potions from time to time; but, uh, I made the last one while drunk at a party, and I think some worg hair got in and definitely the permanent mix.

Long story short I've managed to get a two-foot knotty rod between my legs; how do I reveal it to the gf? She's not a size queen, unfortunately.

>>55140038
>When I LEGALLY kill an owlbear during hunting season I am doing more to conserve our magical forests than you hippy Druids have done in your entire lives!
Funny thing, when the kingdom started offering bounties on owlbears and their population started to plummet, the population of duckbunnies got so large that entire forests were being destroyed.

Owlbears are a vital part of a healthy environment, and every effort to restrict their numbers invariably leads to more widespread problems than anything the owlbears were causing themselves.

>>55154375
>Owlbears
>Duckbunnies
Shit like this is why there needs to be a system of oversight for wizard created lifeforms. Don't pretend that they're natural just because they've been around for centuries like platypus and found a niche in the environment, it's a niche they've taken from something else that they've displaced.

Hell, just two years ago there was an incident where some cocknozzle made catdragons as a unique pet only for it to escape and start breeding in the wild and displacing the normal cats. Took millions of dollars to fix that blunder. Could you imagine the literal never ending shitstorm from the witches community if cats went extinct due to some faggot wizard's desire to impress with a new shoulder pet?

>>55153743
Dude, what.

>>55153743
Well, if you can get it up without blacking out from blood loss, enjoy it. If not, time to rebrew.

>>55156654

It can get up, yeah. I may or may not have taken advantage over the years with the apothecary's right to self-experiment to make sure my cardiac system's in above-top form.

The issue is that i was never, uh, particularly gifted in the bedroom department, right? IT's why I was dating a halfling chick that isn't a size queen, if you get me. She doesn't like them big and meaty.

Guess my best option is to see what divination of my blood shows up and hope I don't get some crazy interactions with possible counter-brews.

>>55153743
Degenerates like you belong on a cross.

>>55156878
Look man, I didn't ASK for a massive doggie donger, it was an accident after a night of drunken alchemy, and sicne I'm vested in my relationship I'm working to fix it, becuase I know the GF won't want it.

>>55156773
Well, it could be worse. Bac in college my roommate fucked up his composition and ended up with a cat butt for at least two years. Not like the rear half of a cat like a cattaur or something, just the butt.

And they say planeswalking is perilous, ha.

>>55140784
I suggest resurrecting him yourself but "accidentially" reincarnete him into a femalse body. Play the better man part, get him to trust you and when he starts to move on with his live give him a dose of his own medicine.

Gas The Gnomes!
Race War Now!