Shitty Curses

>>54902178
Sexy.

>>54902178
>the spurned witch summons up a terrible magic
>I curse you to be attracted to only the ugliest of women!

>hey now, don't be so cruel. Why don't we discuss this in bed?

>aaargh! You never cease to infuriate me!

>>54902178
You will always be a penny short of exact change

>>54902178
>YOU ARE HENCEFORTH LIMITED TO PG-13 SWEARING.

>>54902221
YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY?
YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS???

Your jaw will become slightly malformed such that you can never quite find a comfortable spot to lay your tongue

>>54902195
Nice.

>>54902195
Sick burn.
>>54902231
But I already have that.

>>54902178
>From this day onwards, your socks will always be kinda damp. Forever.

>And every time you forgo socks entirely, you will get a very case of runny nose.

>No matter how often you wipe, there will always be poop stains.

You know how sometimes you forget what's normal to do with your arms?

You will never remember it again.

>>54902178
>Glucose Intolerance
>One of your adult teeth will always feel loose, but never come out
>Patchy facial hair
>You're always three minutes late to weddings
>The nail on your right pinky-toe is forever ingrown.

>Wherever you travel, you will invariably hear the voices of children pestering you with questions such as "Are we there yet"?

>>54902221
Oh frick!

>>54902178
May your toast always fall jam side down, your left sock disappear for ten days at a time, and your pockets full of lint!
And while we're at it, may you not detect animal poo until after you step on it!

Henceforth your butthole shall magically transmute all lube into hot sauce on contact.

>>54902195
>not slowly wrapping your arm around her waist and pulling her close so you can kiss her fivehead while stroking her ratty, greasy hair
>not taking off her thick, ugly rimmed glasses with your other hand so you can look deep into her eyes
>not locking your lips with hers as she frets about not being able to see anything
>not biting her lip and slipping your into her mouth as she melts in your arms
>not having her try to look prettier and cleaner for you only for you to insist she's perfect as is

>Henceforth, you will always pull up slightly too far from an ATM, so that you'll have to actually get out of your car to use it.

>>54902178
>The witch unleashes a wicked cackle as she slowly points at you
>You will forever be cursed! You'll have to wake up to urgently piss every hour all night no matter how much you drink!

File: nagisa_girl_time__ansatsu_kyoushitsu____render_by_azizkeybackspace-d8ht1dk.png (87KB, 224x350px) Image search: [Google]

87KB, 224x350px

>>54902178

>Your first born will become an irresistible trap by the age of 12, and make advances towards you no matter what you say or do

>>54902559

The issue is this curse backfires, you can now no longer die of dehydration.

>>54902618
That's more of a blessing than a curse

>>54902195
Would this really be a curse since you'd still be genuinely attracted to them?

>>54902635
>your first born
>12

ANON

>you are cursed to forego any and all social interaction except for on boards.4chan.org/r9k

File: b8tSgvM.png (112KB, 571x270px) Image search: [Google]

112KB, 571x270px

>>54902679
>12
I'm a patient man.

>your first born
pic related

>>54902178
>Cups left on any table you own will ALWAYS leave a ring, regardless of the cup's contents.

>>54902244
There's evil, and there's outright demonic.

>>54902178
>Your food and drinks will always be lukewarm, always a little too cold or too hot for your preference..

>>54902733
>>54902635
But what if your firstborn is a girl?

>>54902207
This is the first time I am glad we phased out the penny here.

>>54902887

They become a suave reverse-trap and make advances towards your wife instead.

>Cursed to forever step on children's building block toys while barefoot at the most inconvenient times

>>54902178
I already have that curse.

>>54902178
>your pants will always ride up when you walk
>your nose will always itch whenever your hands are occupied
>your feet will seek out the table legs

File: 1482293113204.jpg (29KB, 324x331px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 324x331px

>>54902904

>>54902904
... huh. At least she's not out for boys like other girls her age.
Go ahead my child, I don't blame you, I think your mother is pretty hot too, myself.

>>54902738
>Even if you put the cup on a coaster

>>54902887
I think due to the wording its implied that no matter what the first born will be a boy.
You do IVF, Designer Babies bullshit for a girl, nah mate, its a boy, you going to get a trap to fuck whether you like it or not.

>>54902250
>You're always three minutes late to weddings
That's weirdly specific
>>54902178
>You will always make too much spaghetti for lunch!

>>54902904
So she'll becoma a tomboy?
That's fucking rad!

>>54902178
>implying Birdman and Char don't look fabulous at all times
Really glad I got them and kurwa. I can wind to the maximum

File: nsl3bmBWgG1qgcds1o1.jpg (49KB, 456x810px) Image search: [Google]

49KB, 456x810px

>>54902178
>I curse you thus: May all the food you eat in the world, and every drop of liquid that passes through your lips be disappointingly bland and unappetising

>>54902178
>you will always have bedhair

As a baldie-to-be, I gladly accept this "curse"

>>54902918
Whoever puts a curse like this on someone is beyond inhuman, I say

>>54903205
>I curse you thus: May all the food you eat in the world, and every drop of liquid that passes through your lips be disappointingly bland and unappetising
or everything tastes of pork. I sometimes get those two curses confused.

>>54903205
Atleast i can pretty much eat whatever u want..

Cheap food + more money

>>54903238
go home muhammed, you're drunk.

>>54902221
Forget you punk!

>>54902178
>with her dying breath, the gypsy points her finger at you and casts a spell on your bloodline
"We will form shanty towns all over your country and annoy the living daylights out the EU."

>>54902658
Depends if you care what people think of you

>every time you'll work on anything, be it your car, bike, toy or whatever you'll be always left with one spare fastener
>may your crush washers ever leak
>no matter the position of the tap your shower shall always be too cold or too hot

>>54903238
pork tastes great, you just have to be a bit more careful in how you cook it

beef's the easy mode as far as flavour goes

>>54902552
You fiend!

>>54902700
At least it's not /lit/.

>>54902244
but wiping is for uncivilised desert-dwelling barbarians

>>54902738
delete this

>>54902239
Well stop messing with witches

>>54903205
>tfw constantly eat unsalted white pasta right off the fridge
Bland food doesn't scare me, but if even disgusting food becomes bland then I'll win from this curse

>>54902178
>You will always arrive to your destinations 30 minutes prior to when you're supposed to be there.

>>54902221
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pjThvRQ0gs

>>54903967
Huh. If I leave 2 minutes before I have to get there, do I time travel?

>>54903967
Already do that, which is funny considering most of my friends arrive 30 min AFTER the agreed upon hour.

>>54902178
I curse you with irritable bowl syndrome whenever you have a date

>>54904254
>FUCKING BOWLS WHY ARE YOU SO CONCAVE?
>I WISH I COULD EAT SOUP ON A PLATE YOU ROUNDISH PIECE OF SHIT

>>54904281
More like
>oh yea you're going to eat soup in ME, try it m8

>>54902178
>Never again will your head lay against a cool pillow, it will always be just slightly too warm no matter what side it is

>>54903393
>no matter the position of the tap your shower shall always be too cold or too hot
So, no curse then?

File: 1499626087219.png (7KB, 61x48px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 61x48px

>>54904254
>>54904281

>>54904481
You monster.
On the plus side, the cold winter nights will always be comfortable.

File: 1502146811280.jpg (17KB, 387x468px) Image search: [Google]

17KB, 387x468px

>>54902918

>>54902207
i like the thought behind this but it seems like it'd be a huge boon
go out and buy a TV for $399.99, find $399.98 in your pocket
all you have to do is negotiate the penny each time and you're golden

File: 1440479691093.png (102KB, 280x246px) Image search: [Google]

102KB, 280x246px

>>54902904

File: 1425671668459.jpg (293KB, 621x621px) Image search: [Google]

293KB, 621x621px

>>54905062
HOW!?!?

>>54905269
looks like he stood on it anon

>>54904217
I know your pain

>>54905288
But how does someone not instantly feel if and pull back?

>>54902178
>cursed to never accurately remember acquaintance's name

>>54905381
that could actually cause trouble for the group

>>54902178
I had a game where my character died from a constipation curse.

>>54902207
Thats only ever a problem with assholes though.
Nobody will ever care if you're one cent short.
Now if you add in "Henceforth, you can only pay for any purchase or exchange of services/goods in change." then we're good.

>>54905291
oh you don't know the half of it.
>Oh how long have you been here waiting for us?
>oh you know just 10 minutes ago.
>Ah sory, next time we'll be on time.
>Arive 40 mins late
Every time, i never learn, and the time i deviate from it its the time they actually arrive on time

>>54902178
You and all of your descendants will, at least twice a day, be hit directly on the face with a shaving cream pie.

>>54905517
Pretty much the same, I've gave up long time ago. Now when I really need someone at a precise time I just tell them the time is 30 minutes before when I actually need them.

>The wrinkled crone releases a bone chilling howl of laughter
>"From this day forth you will always get well into sex or masturbation only to be interrupted by your goofy and awkward father before you can finish!"

>>54905310
Maybe no feeling in the foot, like from diabetes or something?

>>54905400
Did you get hit one time and explode like a shit pinata?

>>54905574
Wait, so I can now summon my goofy and awkward father from anywhere in the world by masturbating? That's super inconvenient for one's sex life, but really useful if you need to get your dad somewhere quick. Also, what happens when he dies? Does masturbating summon his ghost or something?

>>54905685
Necromantic Fap

>>54902178
>every time you touch a piece of paper for any reason other than charitable donation you will get a papercut

>no matter how well you do at work your boss will only ever be around when you fuck up.

>you will suffer near constant bird attacks on your ears unless you are holding your wifes arm

>the autocorrect on your phone will go out of its way to ruin or complicate your relationships with everyone.

>fish will swarm at the closest shore to you, they will stop at nothing to be near you and more amphibious specimen will occasionally be found in your bed when you wake up.

>>54905796
Free wife arm? Free fish?

>>54905796
>>the autocorrect on your phone will go out of its way to ruin or complicate your relationships with everyone.
I still find it hard to comprehend that there are people who actually use autocorrect.

>>54905824
the wife is not provided. the fish rot abnormally fast.

even if you disable it this still occurs. it affects your emails, and as time goes on your phone calls. one day it may even affect your voice. best to leave the autocorrect on

>>54905685
You can take your parents on vacation and only have to pay half!

>>54902178
>your undergarments will always be too loose whenever you move on your will, and too tight whenever you stay still.

>>54902257
c'mon, parenthood isn't that bad!
And she's not a witch, she's your wife!

>>54902955
>your pants will always ride up when you walk
belt sales plummet!
hoodrats everywhere rejoice!

File: FULL MAST.jpg (33KB, 600x531px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 600x531px

>>54902904

>>54903205
So English 'cuisine' is all I'll be eating?

>>54903967
So nothing changes, then?

>>54905288
>nail polish
>he
It's probably a disgusting trap
ProTip: they're all disgusting

>>54906345
German rather

All of your body excretions are replaced by FOOF the moment they leave your body

>>54903205
Does seasoning count as food? Otherwise I could just put the food into my mouth and (before chewing) add a condiment or something like salt and pepper before I start chewing.
And wouldn't it not work on powdered stuff?
You could just (slowly) drink iced tea by pouring a bit of water into your mouth and then adding the powder, right?

Oh god no, my bedhead is awful, not even the sex hair kind.

>>54902178
Good thing I almost constantly wear a hat. Check mate atheists.

>May your nuts forever have the sensation as if you'd sat on it for hours on end.
>You will never sneeze at the cost of feeling like you're about to sneeze several times a day.

>>54902221
Fuck!

Well, I'll never be able to say that again.

>>54902552
Drive through cash machines are still really fucking weird to me. We don't have them in the UK so when I went to the US it was bizarre seeing them, as I'd never even imagined that they existed.

File: 1494374544747.png (217KB, 366x479px) Image search: [Google]

217KB, 366x479px

>>54902178
Now my hatred of gypsy has plausible in-character justification.

>>54908289
you don't have real roads either, shouldn't be a surprise

>>54902178
the curse of being a faggot.

>>54908359
Why would she doublecurse me

>>54902178
Shave your head.

>Your keys will not fit the keyhole until you try them thrice, and even then the door will open with a shudder and loud screeching noise.

>ctrl-f "best at blowjobs"
>0 results
You're wasting your talent, /tg/

>>54902967
>>54903155
>>54905253
>>54906333

It's all fun and games until you're sitting alone at a bar crying into your beep and exposing to the bartender that your wife left you for your daughter and you still owe child support.

>>54908658
There's very few people on /tg/ that would shy from turning it into advantage.

>>54902178
>all your babies will be born naked

>>54902318
>pockets always full of lint
joke's on you I'll always have fire starter!

>>54902178
Every time you take a piss,it dosent come out,and when it does,it burns like fire

>>54908671
>your wife left you for your daughter and you still owe child support.
>Sides
>Orbit

File: Ran gave up.jpg (897KB, 860x1214px) Image search: [Google]

897KB, 860x1214px

>>54902178

File: here i am, driving all the hope i have.jpg (40KB, 500x377px) Image search: [Google]

40KB, 500x377px

>>54902178
jokes on her, i already don't have any hair

>>54908953
You laugh at the curse, but years later at hearth, your most precious of kin will suffer your sin. Your sweetest of girls, the light of your world, will cry still unwed, for curse of bedhead.

Alone in the night, she'll take to her fight. A journey to free the hair's tyranny. And you, the fool, will have naught to do, but rest in your ditch for having mocked the damned witch.

>>54902178
>From ever onwards, you and your descendants will be stalked by the whizzard when you find yourself alone and with a full bladder.

File: 1480935791669.png (440KB, 645x1260px) Image search: [Google]

440KB, 645x1260px

>>54908953
That's the true curse, comrade

>>54905269


>>54905288


>>54905310


>>54905629

It's pretty clearly make up. Like latex horror film gore hollween stuff. Look at the discolored area around it.

>>54908748
It's not exactly the gypsy's finger that gave you this particular condition eh?

>>54908289
I've lived in the US my whole life and I've never seen nor heard of a drive through ATM.

>>54909499
Its was a curse of elven origin

>>54909516

Is your whole life like 12 years or something?

>>54909516
They don't have them at your local bank? They're pretty standard.

>>54909516
This is one of the universal rules - if it exists, US have drive-through version of it.

>>54909516
The fuck? We've had them in Canada since the 90s.

>>54909072
>Bedhead girls

Dude, they're cute AF, what are you on about?

>>54909585
>>54909568
Nope. Granted I do most of my banking online and use a credit card so I rarely carry cash. Isnt it uncomfortable to operate the ATM while inside your car? Dont you have to lean wayyyy out the window to hit the little buttons?

File: very upset megmuin.gif (248KB, 390x390px) Image search: [Google]

248KB, 390x390px

>>54902178
You can't level up

>>54909734
Not really? You just reach your arm out the window and press the buttons.

>>54909385

I'm thinning into classic male pattern baldness (bald center with ring of hair).

Gimme the 411 on not killing myself.

>>54909807
Shave your head.

>>54909807

Shave yourself bald and pretend to be a skinhead

>>54909779
>you need to be leveled up by another person
>they get to pick your advances
>which one of your companions would you trust?

>>54909807
>killing myself.
...and ruining your K/D/A

>>54909807
Put on monk robes and say you're cosplaying Friar Tuck

File: monks_robe.jpg (65KB, 451x648px) Image search: [Google]

65KB, 451x648px

>>54910279
This. Monk robes look pretty all right.

>>54902178
>Shitty Curses
The curse of incurable incontinence.

>with her dying breath, the gypsy points her finger at you and casts a spell on your bloodline
>you are always erect, except when you try to have sex.

>>54908671
>crying into your beep
Why'd you censor yourself, anon?
Alternatively, I live in the Northeast, the bars around me don't serve Roadrunner.

>>54903205
Nooooo! Excellent food and drink is what I LIVE for!

>if you ever stop concentrating on something you hold in your hands, you will unconsciously put it down and thereafter be unable to perceive it until someone else points it out to you

File: slight smile.jpg (18KB, 203x213px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 203x213px

>>54908671
>still owe child support

File: Deal with some of it.gif (811KB, 240x131px) Image search: [Google]

811KB, 240x131px

>>54908671
>child support
Joke's on you, I'll just declare bankruptcy and use that as an excuse.
Worked for my dad.

>>54908671
stop fucking sheep, anon.
I don't care how sexy you think they are, stop beeping them. People are starting to think you are Scottish.

File: 1502380326333.png (68KB, 500x241px) Image search: [Google]

68KB, 500x241px

>>54904209
I imagine you always hear the time as 30 minutes prior to what the person actually said and when ever you try to be smart and leave 30 minutes after the time u remember the time wrong and still arrive early

>>54903145
>make too much spaghetti
Every fucking time I make spaghetti I make too much. Each time I cut back and I ask myself "will this be enough?" and every fucking time it's too much

>>54905062
I want this to be real but that d4 has its pointy bit cut off. I mean I've stepped on a d4 and it hurt like hell but it didn't puncture and it's points actually came to a point

>>54911417
How fucking hard is it to mesure out 50g of pasta?!

>>54911488
He could've jumped and landed on it.

>>54912013
I don't have a scale

>>54909864
The hot one with big honkers and a humiliation fetish. aka best girl.

>>54910873
Ow. Out of nowhere and close to home.

>>54912309
To be fair, she doesn't have much in the way of competition, save maybe Megumeme's oldest sister.

File: 3iUIfDy.jpg (515KB, 2448x3264px) Image search: [Google]

515KB, 2448x3264px

>>54912295
Spaghetti from Walmart has a series of circles on the back. You bundle up your spaghetti and compare it to a circle, it tells you how many servings it is. Pic related

>>54910873

DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

>>54902904
I have never been okay with cuckoldry until now

File: latest-1.png (440KB, 720x540px) Image search: [Google]

440KB, 720x540px

>>54903238

>>54912383
shhh! The aqua fags will hear you.

File: darkness's dream.webm (2MB, 720x480px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 720x480px

>>54912309
You mean worst girl.

File: 15154343210.jpg (126KB, 1135x1073px) Image search: [Google]

126KB, 1135x1073px

>>54913674
>aqua fags (plural)

>>54908688
Kings among man!

Naked Forever.
Also, you forget that you're cursed every time you go to sleep. So you never get used to it.

>>54914236
Dead by next Winter.

You are always aware that you have a curse, but you can never remember what it is.

You will always upgrade your meal when you'll be too full for it, but when it would be necessary to make you full, you won't upgrade it.

>>54902178
You'll have a rectal fissure that just won't heal, even though once in a while, the bleeding will abate or the pain will go away, making you think that maybe it is healing.

>>54902385
Does hypoallergenic skin lotion count as lube? What about spit?

>>54909807
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD-E2B5GfI8

>>54902828
>only ever eat food you cook yourself
>never have to worry about your food not being fully cooked, or burnt

File: swtor-jedi-consular-cosplay.jpg (71KB, 701x768px) Image search: [Google]

71KB, 701x768px

>>54910607
>>54909807

>This. Monk robes look pretty all right.
Yeah. You'd look great.

>>54902398
this man gets it

>>54905834
On some smartphones it's a built in feature that happens automatically, hence the "auto" in "autocorrect"

>>54906401
What's FOOF?

File: 1490539682524.gif (3MB, 560x292px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 560x292px

>>54902904
>They become a suave reverse-trap and make advances towards your wife instead.

>>54914534
Dioxygen Difluoride
Burns most things with little provocation. Even water.

File: 1319062096451.gif (2MB, 400x225px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 400x225px

>>54914534
>FOOF
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2010/02/23/things_i_wont_work_with_dioxygen_difluoride

The devil's own special brew.

You know how sometimes people say "that shouldn't exist?" Well FOOF barely exists. It /really/ wants to be other stuff. And, if exposed to anything - sand, asbestos, interns, water, carbon dioxide - it rapidly stops existing. Exothermically.

File: The Alchemist goes too far(Azidoazide azide).png (6KB, 457x394px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 457x394px

>>54914575
>interns
kek.
Least it ain't an Azidoazide azide. That shit blows it's stack over LITERALLY nothing.

>>54903145
>>54911417
>>54912013
>>54912295
>>54912406
How the fuck can you ever have too much spaghetti?

Just thorw the leftover spaghetti into a large glass bowl, then seran wrap the shit out of it.

That way whenever you're hungry you can just dish out a serving size bowl and zap it in the microwave.

Or are you wall fucking plebs who don't know how to make food last and throw away an entire meal because you're too fucking lazy to put it in the fridge?

File: Lolipire when asked if she's ever NOT smug.gif (237KB, 480x227px) Image search: [Google]

237KB, 480x227px

>>54914631
>Saran Wrap
>Not Tupperware
Stone age much?

>>54913830
Yes yes

File: 1465189990053.gif (302KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

302KB, 500x500px

>>54914619
>Least it ain't an Azidoazide azide. That shit blows it's stack over LITERALLY nothing.
Fun fact, I worked with the guys that article talks about.

They are surprisingly normal people with all their limbs. Sensible mix of german, canadian, and american chemists. Just one flaw. They can't fly.

These days, explosive detectors at aiports are pretty good. If you work with seriously nitrated compounds all day, even in isolation, some of it will get on your skin, laptop, tie, hair, glasses, and pants. It's inevitable.

And then a guy named Raul will put on a pair of rubber gloves and check your anus for bombs while his friend carts your laptop and phone into the "special disposal area." They will not be amused if you tell them what you do for a living.

When they do fly, they take 1 week off work beforehand, scrub daily in a base solution, buy all new clothes the day beforehand and don't go home, and tell people they work "with puppies. Orphaned puppies."

It's kind of a shitty curse, come to think of it.

But on the other hand, they get to demolish equipment on a regular basis, and make structures so hairy that sensible chemists cross their legs during their powerpoint presentations.

>>54914698
Yeeesh.

>>54914698
>But on the other hand

I've always been deeply entertained by chemists that get to say, "...and to measure that particular property, we messily destroyed tens of thousands of lab equipment in ways never before witnessed by man (that lived to talk about it, anyways)."

File: IuKyJ.gif (2MB, 480x198px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 480x198px

>>54914720
Chemists get all the good stories.

Like this one time. I wasn't on the "make small quantities of stuff that explodes if you so much as think about it" team, but my research did have a few hairy steps. One of them required a sealed ampule step. Put your reagents in a vial. Seal the vial - not with a cap, but by melting the glass. Then do awful high-intensity X-ray bombardment to it things to it. Basically, imagine a microwave of the gods, except it looks like a boring record player that fucked a furnace and made a really expensive baby.

Then, once you're done, you've got to crack the glass and get your products out. Normally this wasn't a problem. My stuff was air-stable (or at least argon-stable). Just use a diamond cutter.

Except this one time, the stuff I made turned out black/gold and solid instead of blue liquid. We knew the final product (in theory) wasn't air-stable, but it was definitely stable in a solution of degassed hexane. Whatever this black stuff was might also have the same property. So we did what any good chemist would do.

So we got out the blast shield and the hammer.

See, we were pretty sure that the pressure inside the ampule was pretty close to vacuum, if there wasn't any liquid present. Cutting it with a diamond cutter, even in argon, would create a loud implosion and scatter our product everywhere. That would be - on a scale of 1 to 10 - very bad.

So we sunk it in a small vat of hexane and hit it with a hammer.

The implosion, as expected, made a hell of a shockwave, and the final product didn't react with the hexane (to the relief of the Emergency Undergrads With Fire Extinguishers (3) ) waiting on standby. But it was still a hell of a thing to watch.

Anyway, after a few thousand dollars of characterization time, we figured someone had got a hair or something into the vial during manufacturing. Carbonized everything. No use at all.

>>54914522
Are there really ones where you can't turn it off? That seems like quite the design flaw.

>>54914759
>and to measure that particular property, we messily destroyed tens of thousands of lab equipment in ways never before witnessed by man (that lived to talk about it, anyways)."
Amazingly, most of the time, that doesn't happen.

Sure, you blow up a few hundred dollars worth of glassware, and kevlar lab coats don't come cheap, but the expensive stuff is... well, it's bad form to blow it up.

You superchill your explosives, or analyze them indirectly, or use such minute quantities that a match has 1000x more explosive power.

The real trick is getting your sample from wherever you made it to however you're going to transport/neutralize/dilute it. Hence the glassware bill.

Most of the time, explosives people use blast shields, plastic-coated glassware (it crumples instead of shattering) and proper hearing protection. At the latest "kaboom", everyone runs over. Chances are good nobody's hurt, but they might have set off the fire alarm again, or someone's called the police and reported gunshots in the building. Exploding things is for amateurs.

>>54902221
What the heck is this frickin' crud?

>>54912078

could be made of actual glass, I've seen a few of this, it could fracture on a hard enough impact and cut in.

that said, that's makeup.

File: 1501923893787.jpg (87KB, 400x400px) Image search: [Google]

87KB, 400x400px

>>54914991
>Exploding things is for amateurs.
NO!

File: IMG_3038.jpg (66KB, 342x316px) Image search: [Google]

66KB, 342x316px

>Party is half-orc barbarian, changeling bard, human assassin rogue, and wizard (me)
>Arrive in town tavern after adventure
>Half Orc starts raving about how he needs to go boozing and whoring
>Gets directed to the brothel next door by bartender
>He plays a sex mini-game with of the DM's creation with STR, DEX, and CHA throws
>We all have a few laughs
>Woman turns out to be a succubus, who curses him
>"In three days, you will become nothing but a mindless beast."
>Party freaks out, talks to the barkeep
>"Yeah, go talk to that artificer in town."
>Artificer is a dick and clearly very powerful
>"Very strong magic. Yeah, I'll lift your curse if you kill all these fucking orcs that keep intercepting my supply caravans fuck I hate orcs so fucking goddamn much."
>"But you have to kill every last one."
>"Every. Last. One."
>We clear out orc camp, burn it all down
>Find women, slaves, and children in the last tent in fear of us. They actually surrender to us.
>Half Orc is terrified of what could happen to him if the artificer found out we showed mercy.
>Bard and assassin reeeeaaalllly on the fence, trying to rationalize the decision
>Be me, wizard who secretly studies necromancy with the endgame of becoming a lich
>Use Burning Hands to roast them all alive, idgaf
>Party horrified, but glad we saved our friend.
>Exit the tent to find the succubus and the Big Bad yellow-toothed villain, clapping, laughing, and congratulating us
>Succubus worked for the Yellow Toothed Man the whole time
>MFW he was the artificer the whole time
>MFW he was the barkeep the whole time

Our DM is a beautiful bastard.

File: lwOYaYh[1].png (34KB, 298x279px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 298x279px

>>54902398
Why boner?

>>54915646
Forgot the most important detail:

>MFW there was no fucking curse in the first place

>>54902178
I love that she cast it on me, Mr. Buzzed Haircut

>>54915646
like pottery

>>54914991
I dunno.

I was always more interested in the quick and dirty type of reactions, the ones that were easy to do and would react instantly or overnight.

Without the pageantry chemistry feels like mental masturbation. Somebody just basically needs you to scrub the hops out of their stills or check the gauges on boiler or something, chemistry as it relates to industry is really just rediscovering things we have known for 50+ years.

>>54910802
That's flatout demonic.

You now have tastebuds on the top of your head.

>>54914976
Yeah, but you have to go out of your way to do it. And most people either A: are too technologically ignorant to realize it can be turned off. B: know it can be done but it never really bothers them so they never look up how to do it for fear of making it worse, "If it aint broke, why fix it?" Or C: It bothers them but they are too fucking lazy to do it.

>>54914619
Simultaneously one of the most dangerous and most hilarious substances.

>>54916100
>can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
>no, but I can taste them

>>54902178
>with her dying breath, the gypsy points her finger at you and casts a spell on your bloodline
to forever reek of BO and putrefying garbage, no matter how many times you bathe.

File: This is how I paladin.jpg (181KB, 720x576px) Image search: [Google]

181KB, 720x576px

>>54908671
If you're not willing to kill your wife/child over a suitably serious transgression, you shouldn't have a wife/child.

>>54902178
>you shall be able to taste with your asshole

>>54914631
Some people like their spaghetti fresh, not some microwaved shit

>>54908671
>Implying a reverse trap daughter capable of seducing her mother couldn't also seduce the father even as a reverse trap.
I think this just turns into a daughter-dom harem.

>>54906407
No. It's altering your perception not the substance. You could eat a bundle of hay and then do a pile of MDMA and they'd be vaguely identical and disappointly bland (but not bad)

File: Don't mess with the Alchemist(Chlorine Trifluoride.png (4KB, 300x300px) Image search: [Google]

4KB, 300x300px

>>54916443
I wonder which would be more horrifying. Finding out the creature staring you down is a 3-ft humanoid mass of Azidoazide Azide animated and stabilized by magic, that will release it's payload when injured, or one that's the same except the payload is Chlorine Trifluoride.

>t. Wizard.

>>54917788
This.
>Not turning yourself into a proper wingman for your suave as fuck reverse trap daughter and helping to expand her harem.
I mean seriously.

>>54902178
That's like a really lame version of Stephen King's "Thinner"

>>54905073
>Ok, Ill let you have it for 299.8, no prob.
>Just let me recount
>...
>I swear that penny was there a second ago!

>>54914631
>ask why measuring the right amount of pasta for one person leaving no leftovers is so hard
>jeez, what a food waster, why can't you manage your food

Sometimes anon, I hate you.

>>54911488
even then it wouldn't stick to the wound

>>54909807
Shave it all of and try to kill Superman.

File: Heheheh.jpg (15KB, 324x324px) Image search: [Google]

15KB, 324x324px

>>54902294

>>54919855
oh man
you'd end up looking so suspect every time
cashier goes to recount the money and you yell NO DON'T RECOUNT IT. PLEASE JUST TRUST ME IT'S ALL THERE.
"almost perfect change as long as nobody looks at it more than once" is devious as heck

>>54906389
t. Someone who's never eaten German food
Seriously though, have you considered beer, pretzels, bratwurst and sauerkraut? Because if that tastes like nothing, I'll eat a comically large hat.

>>54911234
Sexy sheep + beep = -8
Are you trying to tell us something?

>>54908671

jokes on you

I cast Power Word: Orgasm

>>54914543
sauce?

File: ss+(2017-08-17+at+10.23.56).png (70KB, 1053x497px) Image search: [Google]

70KB, 1053x497px

>>54915646

>>54902178
As if I wouldnt love never going bald
But you cant ask more sense out of someone on the verge of death

>>54902398
but then wouldn't the curse make you fall out of love with her because she's not the ugliest anymore?

>>54906401
holy jesus

File: magical realm Big bad evil chick(guy).jpg (423KB, 800x600px) Image search: [Google]

423KB, 800x600px

>>54917788
that sounds like a terrible hentai game, there needs to be a regular trap brother or at least forced feminization of the father.

What if you had do design a curse to be a terrible for the cursed as possible while having an innocuous a effect as possible?

>>54923393
curse that causes all coasters around you to no longer stop water rings from forming.

>>54923443
The bland food curse seems worse

>>54911236
>Make appointment
>Never actually leave my house
>Infinite time
>Functionally immortal
Checkmate.

File: latest[1].jpg (694KB, 745x1000px) Image search: [Google]

694KB, 745x1000px

>>54902398
The first thing I thought of when I read this post.

>>54902178
>As she dies she smiles and faintly whispers "You and your children and your children's children will all speak as terrible literature is written.
>She dies.
>Ha whatevar he saying I am the greetest and will into the halls of fame and I win. Wait why I speaking like tardy?

>>54925473
>Haa! The big brain am winning again! Now I leave Earth, for no raisin!

>>54923500
>sudden freak accident
>you lose conciousness
>a neighbor notices what's happened and calls 911
>you're loaded into an ambulance
>on the way, the ambulance crashes, throwing you from the vehicle
>you regain conciousness enough to notice:

>you're at your appointment
>you're 30 minutes early
>you slip back into the sweet embrace of unconciousness

No escape from curses, man.

>>54926212
Fine then.

>Make appointment with someone in a different country
>Free travel
>Simply make an appointment with a friend back home to get back.

I'll get my benefits, curse or no!

>>54902178
You're cursed with 50% discount but only on products you don't need.

>>54911488

No Bullshit I have legit had one pierce my foot, it IS possible.

>>54927328
>not buying shit you don't need and seeling it for a profit online

File: You thrust your pelvis.gif (797KB, 464x411px) Image search: [Google]

797KB, 464x411px

>>54927550
whoops

>>54927550
>>54927577
Sauce please

>>54905574
>are ya winning son?

>>54927824
Gravity Falls.

>>54928402
I found it anyway, no thanks to you faggot
For future explorers in the archives it's Deception by Master Ploxy

>>54914335
Underrated

>>54919617
I'd take the CLF3 on a windy day and the azide if I've got a bow and arrow.

Admittedly, the fact that either thing is walking around at standard temperatures and pressures makes it likely to blow up anyway, so it'll be a moot point. This stuff is - deliberately - unstable.

>>54914401

But I already have that.

>>54914631
>How the fuck can you ever have too much spaghetti?
I don't know senpai, I could eat spaghetti all day really. Better get a DNA test and see if I'm part-Italian.

>>54925473
>"You and your children and your children's children will all speak as terrible literature is written.
>speak as terrible literature is written.
constantly have to speak because of places like Pooh Adventures wiki

>>54925473
Inversion: "as terrible literature is written" means you and your descendants can only speak at the same time as terrible literature is being written.

>>54919855
Kek.

>>54902178
May every shop you frequent forever be "back in 5"

File: 1490894304245.jpg (29KB, 400x465px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 400x465px

Optical illusions will never make sense to you. You will always mirror the movement of anyone walking towards you on the sidewalk, forcing an awkward encounter. Every piece of plastic you own will keep a greasy yellow stain after washed. Your keys will always stick in the lock for the first few tries. You will lose track of objects after picking them up. Rubbing your eyes will never help against eyelashes or gunk. You will sneeze like a kitten, and everyone who hears it will be compelled to point this out. Your internet connection will drop whenever you feel like you're having a bad day. You will occasionally pronounce your 'R's as 'W's. You will (wrongly) believe that you can sing amazingly well. Tissue paper sticks to you like a magnet. Every time you bite your fingernails, your finger will slip and cut your gums. Your socks will wear holes in them after one day of use. Your drinking straws will always have a crack in them. Pens will only draw ink when you use them to scribble into the corner of the paper to test them.

>>54934382
Just like real life

>>54906345
To be fair, a decent chunk of the English dislike English food. I suspect it's one of the main reasons we did the whole empire thing, tandoori chicken and naan beats pretty much anything we have here by a country mile.

>>54934205
So always?

>>54925473
A lot of that could easily just be normal speech. People do not adhere to strict grammatical rules when they talk and if you just ported a conversation 1:1 onto a page it would sound and look terrible.

>>54905796
>no matter how well you do at work your boss will only ever be around when you fuck up.

TFW you already have a shitty curse

>you are cursed to forever have ruined orgasms
>the only way you will ever have a satisfying orgasm is when you are getting fucked in the ass by a dick

>>54935874
So that cuts my choice of sexual partners by about half. What's the big deal?

>>54935885
You're gonna have to get into butt stuff......You're not into butt stuff, and never will be.

File: squeaking.jpg (23KB, 477x270px) Image search: [Google]

23KB, 477x270px

>>54935901
Bitch, you don't know me.

>>54935901
>you're not into butt stuff
>you can only get a satisfying orgasm from butt stuff
It's one or the other.

>>54936773
Sounds pretty gay desu senpai

>>54932813
>Better get a DNA test and see if I'm part-Italian.
There's a easier way of discovering:
Can you talk without gesturing?
>If yes, then no, you're not even a little Italian.

>>54902178
Unending hiccups.

>>54902178
I always have bed hair and am never able to fix it already. Truly a shitty curse.

>>54911488
That's probably some gamescience dice and those have super sharp corners. They made it shaped like that because people had a problem with cutting themselves on it but you could still cut yourself with the d4 they have now.

>>54902178

> May you never eat bread without making a shitload of crumbs everywhere. Yes, even Wonderbread.

> May you always put your socks on just slightly wrong, so the side-seam is under your big toe.

> May your garbage cans always attract new spiders and webs before you take them to the curb each week.

> May all your cereal be stale and may all your peeps be fresh.

> May your wrist always be too thick for one band notch but too thin for the next.

> May random patches of your body and facial hair grow significantly faster than the rest.

>>54935188
Well, yeah.

>>54932813
It's easy, you only need to answer these simple questions.
Do you like garlic?
Do you like looking at yourself in the mirror?
Are you a christian? Being a Catholic earns extra point.
Do you gesture while talking?
Do you like tomatoes and tomato related products?
If most answers are yes, then you are a little italian.

>>54902243
...I don't remember angering a witch.

>>54902178
>Thusly the hag screeched at you
>"When you use the radio, all the stations play Bieber."

>>54910873
>always be trying to have sex
>when it happens don't try

>>54914236
nudist colony

>>54914575
Oh my fuck. That music video gave me fucking nightmares for the longest time. I felt the most disgusted I've ever been when first (only time) I watched it. It's the moment I lost my innocence and started to feel nothing.

File: Who needs to give fucks when you're a WIZARD.gif (183KB, 380x474px) Image search: [Google]

183KB, 380x474px

>>54928939
Hence the magic "skin" keeping it stable.
Now picture a hundred of these fuckers being popped into existence in the midst of a charging cavalry formation.

>>54905542
A-yup.
But heaven forbid YOU be late. Miraculously everyone will have somehow, against all probability and given history, shown up 20 minutes early.

>>54908336
Many of those roads find their foundation with the great Roman Empire. I'll have you know they are the epitome of 'real roads'.

>>54944285
And invariably the ONE GUY, who is usually always the latest, will say "dude, where you been?"

>>54942333
>Oh my fuck. That music video gave me fucking nightmares for the longest time. I felt the most disgusted I've ever been when first (only time) I watched it. It's the moment I lost my innocence and started to feel nothing.

Want to feel that again. Try the film "Excision".

>>54937244
Fun fact, that's an actual medical condition that exists IRL. They're called "Screaming Meemies" and apparently that shit is debilitating.

>>54902178
>You are cursed so that everyone knows you're cursed and is very uncomfortable around you.
>What do the details matter? You're cursed!

>when you reach full climax you ejaculate large quantities of the neurotoxin from the Gympie Tree

>>54942333
It didn't give you nightmares. It gave you visions.
Listen to your heart.

>>54903205
I'd unironically fuck that dude

File: kjvMVKW.jpg (169KB, 760x596px) Image search: [Google]

169KB, 760x596px

How has this not been posted yet

>>54902559
I already have this. I have a tiny bladder so when I goto sleep at night my insomnia kicks in and I have to go pee atleast 3 or 4 times before I can pass out

>>54909807
If you're going to shave it off don't forget to work out. Being bald with big muscles is some woman's goto guy. Honestly just pick up weights and go /fit/ you were going to kill yourself so you might aswell do something productive

>>54910873
>I had a nice time, anon how about you come in for some coffee?
>Ok, you don't happen to have some chloroform? It's for me don't worry.

>>54950456
But when does my semen change? In my ballsack? Because that's instant celibacy after the first time or a new fetish acquired neither of which I'd call "shitty curses". Barren/Sterility was a powerful curse y'know. After leaving the body? New superpower acquired

>>54902231
Already have had tooth bracers. They can already do that.
I literally can't bend the middle portion of my tongue into resting position.

>>54914976
>>54905834
The on/off switch for Autocorrect is often buried deep in the config menu.
So to turn it off, you basically need to realize that you need to google for where the switch is, so you can actually go there.

>>54914886
Do you have any pics of that black/gold substance?

>>54908671
>Not fucking your daughter as well as your wife, in order to claim both as your wives so that neither can cheat on you with the other
Somebody needs to go back to Bard school.

>>54951423
After it leaves the urethra, but you will never be able to have sex ever again.

Unless you WANT to drive someone to suicide.

>>54908671
>crying into your beep
fuckin censors man.

>>54953486
You can still jack off, but no sealed onaholes though

>>54902178
>Eternal...pussy...breath..

>>54950582
>you're cursed to be a trap that will provoke homolust from all men