ITT: One anon posts their wish, and another anon replies with

I'll post a few extra prompts to get the ball rolling.

I wish to have strength beyond measure!

I want the entire world to see the glory of God!

I wish to make my sword able to cut anything!

I wish that the girl I fancy fall madly in love with me!

>>54886179
The world can now see nothing but God's Glory. Every man, woman and animal on the planet is rendered blind.

>>54886176
You now possess strength equal to that of gods, but your body is unable to withstand the strain it imposes on it. You must not use your full strength, else you will be torn asunder.

I wish to become ruler of the kingdom!

>>54886218
You are now the rightful ruler of the kingdom, nobody but you knows.

>>54886181
Despite your intentions, the sword cuts other things in its wake, too: ley-lines, the connections between people, the boundary between worlds. You will tear holes in everything, and lead the world to ruin.

>>54886179
The god in question is Nurgle
>>54886181
The Sword can indeed cut anything, even your hands for the hilt is as sharp as the Blade
>>54886190
She love you so much that she want to put you un her freezer so she can mire your beauty for ever

The last two are a bit of a stretch though,I have to work on my genie ability to corrupt wishes

>>54886275
>>54886181
>I wish my sword could cut anything
>The hilt cuts my fingers off and hits the ground
>Cuts through into the earth
>Cuts through to the other side
> kills person on other side and cuts through the laws of physics
>ascends to the heavens

I wish to be omnipotent.

>>54886372
You have full power
However you have no Idea how to activate it

I wish to be loved

>>54886495
You are loved, by a small colony of ants that depends on you for their survival.

>>54886599
Not that anon, but that is actually adorable.

I wish for a harem of beautiful women that attends to my every need!

>>54886176
You remain as you are. All methods to measure strength or kinetic energy at the level you currently posses disappear.

>>54888022
A cadre of beautiful nurses attend to your failing body's every need as you struggle to breath on life support.

I wish for my curse to be lifted!

>>54888022
The women are indeed beautiful

By the standard of a bbbbbbw porn addict

>>54888022

Your blood turns into maidens

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>>54886209
There you are! Midoriya! How's the training going!?

>>54888061
Your curse is now slighty raised above your head

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>>54888071
Shit that's good.

>>54888061
A man walks up to you, acts as if picking up something off your body and runs off, cackling. You still feel the effects of the curse but do not register as actually having a curse.

I wish for infinite adventures to come my way!
Or an amazon harem, that works too.

>>54888162
We'll give you both: infinite tedious, monotonous adventures await you, and at the end of them all(aka never) you'll get the amasons you wished for!
>I wish i were a cat

>>54888071
>every time you get horny you simply cut yourself, let loose a couple drops of blood, then use magic to make the blood person sized
>instant harem of sexy women who will do whatever you ask

What's the average lifespan of individual blood cells?

>>54888162
Congratulations! You now have a harem full of tribesmen indigenous to the Amazon rainforest!

I wish the voices in my head would stop screaming.

>>54890055
they stop screaming and start chanting

>>54889740
You are now a cat. A female one. Enjoy barbed penises scraping your insides for the rest of your meager existence.

I wish I could hold the universe in my palm, so that it might know it is loved beyond all things.

>>54890161
you are now a giant space man that is suffocating from lack of air and in your dying throws have squished the universe.

I wish to be a wizard with magical spells

>>54886181
the entire world, except for the sword, turns into chocolate, which is easily cuttable with a steel sword

this includes you. good luck!

>>54890349
You are now a wizard. You know many powerful magical spells, but you must kill someone you hold dear for every spell you cast.

If you hold none dear, no magic works. Spells cannot bring back the dead, nor heal the wounds you inflict.

I wish for all of existence, including but not limited to all alternate existences, existences outside existences and everything else that exist, has existed, will exist, should exist, shouldn't exist and every concept of existence, including the minds and souls of these beings and the powers they may or may not possess, be shifted backwards in time one second before this wish is granted.

>>54890426
good job you made a time paradox, fucktard.

>>54890426
You want to be trapped in an eternal time loop? Ok, done.

>>54890426

You, and every version of you across the multiverses, is trapped in a time paradox for the rest of time one second before your wish is granted.

I wish I was a dragon.

I wish I had a really nice house!

I wish that all diseases could be cured with ease!

>>54890457
>>54890467
>>54890524
Nah, I just want to fuck up the future. I don't have one, so nobody should!

>>54890524
Congratulations, you're a dragon.
A white dragon.
You're basically made into a retarded lizard.

>>54890572
You get a really shitty cabin in the middle of buttfuck no where, but it's alive and really friendly

I wish that giant robots and monster girls where real

>>54890590
From the sheer paradox you've created, all forms of existence destroy themselves simultaneously. After eons of nothing but blackness, a burst of light recreates all realities, and over time, things return to normal. Except you. You're taken out of things.

>>54890587
They can. However, no one realizes there are easy cures now and no one (including you) knows what they are. Do your research.

>>54890628
Eh, 'tis fair.

I wish i was a Mary Sue

>>54890587
they are cured but the only cure is to get cancer, which can only be cured by starting the black plague. only way to cure the black plague now is cancer.

>>54890644
You become a girl called Mary Sue. You have no special powers or privileges whatsoever.

>>54890587
All diseases have simple and removal methods. Somewhere on this earth, a powerful evil mage comes to the conclusion that "humanity is a disease upon this earth." Turns out, he's fairly right.

>>54890625
The giant robots are simply huge, self-automated crane machines used for large scale construction. They are very inefficient and eat up too many resources and are discontinued.

Monster girls exist, but they're more monster than girl, practically just animals with tits. They'd never attempt to have sex with you, preferring to eat your face.

>>54886230
>Impose shity laws
>Nobody knows who to blame

That doesn't feel bad

I wish all of humanity achieved youthful immortality upon reaching the age of 21, no longer needing food, water, or sleep to survive, while still being able to enjoy those things if they so desired.

I wish this year is my best yet!

>>54890786
This IS your best year. Good fortune comes your way, you find true love, you get everything you wanted without even trying. The very second the year ends, everything goes to shit as you realize you do not know how to maintain anything you've acquired without the assistance of wish magic.

>>54890778
Done. Those currently older than 21, including your immediate family never achieve youthful immortality and instead age die as normal. In addition once a 21 year old who has youthful immortality becomes 22, his immortality is lost and he ages and dies as normal.

>>54890842
Damn. Well, at least that's one free year where everyone can go nuts, I guess.

I wish I could control fire!

>>54890862
The 21st birthday will be a fun one.

>>54890778
Congratulations, you created an entire race of despotic, edgy pedophiles with nothing to do but ruminate on their eternal boredom where nothing can be enjoyed save the violent molestation and murder of increasingly rare, non-immortal children.

>desu I would unironically live in a system where wealth is measured by possession of younger humans

>>54890778
Easily done! Now without the basal parts of the hierarchy of needs, humanity experiences a population boom never seen before. Within a few generations the planet is inundated with billions of healthy, bored homeless people. Entrepreneurs realize they no longer need to worry about giving their employees livable wages and drive worker's rights into the ground. The vast majority of government spending is redirected to feeding and clothing children, and playing damage control for the global crime waves that are now rocking your world.

>>54890893
Good work, anon, you just achieved fire powers!
Oh but um...you didn't say you were immune to fire when controlling it. One bad move, and you wind up burning your entire body and choking on smoke.

>>54890917
Yes...what a horrifying society...and I shall be their king.

>>54890842
>In addition once a 21 year old who has youthful immortality becomes 22, his immortality is lost and he ages and dies as normal.
This was well done.

>>54890893
>I wish I could control fire!
You are now high quality lantern.

I wish for me and my family to enjoy excellent health from now throughout years longer than we would have before my asking this wish.

I wish for a million bucks!

>little does the genie know that I'm actually expecting a million male deer

>>54890983
>I wish for a million bucks!
You receive your million male deer, one at a time, in succession, as a doe.

>inb4 "just as planned"

>>54890971
You and your family experience physical health the likes of which you've never felt before. However, while your bodies are strong, your minds are the same, and general life drama leads to long lasting mental issues that make general life upsetting. Plus, your lack of real sickness or bodily harm to keep things in check and help you remember not to sweat the small stuff as much as the big stuff makes all of you very petty. But you don't sneeze as much so it's cool.

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>>54891045
Worst.
Hunting trip.
Ever.

>>54890971
You and your family's uncanny resistance to disease and damage becomes known and you are abducted by an unknown government agency to be experimented on for the rest of your life. Eventually, upon not being able to uncover the nature of your constitution even into your 200th year of life, the agency decides to bury you in a box so that you may never be found by another government.

I wish that UV radiation caused people to grow thick, bristly hair instead of become tan.

>>54890971
Granted. However, greed and family drama over inheritance squabbles tears your family apart permanently, isolating each family member from close friends, lovers, and each other.

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>>54891094
Granted but society thinks thats as sexy as they think tanning is now.

I wish my shitty actions didnt result in all of my friends leaving me.

>>54888162
>I wish for infinite adventures to come my way!
>Or an amazon harem, that works too.
The genie grants your wishes, giving you the same adventure an infinite number of times every day, forever.
Your only solace is your loving and tender harem of Amazon boxes. Your death by papercuts eventually ends your adventures.

I wish the third anon after this post gets to enjoy the results of his wish.

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>>54891045
/k/ pls

>>54891078
>general life drama leads to long lasting mental issues
I'll take it.

>>54891096
>inheritance
Heh

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>>54890983
>>54891045

I think I know you

>>54890983
A million 'bucks' appears in your lap. All of it is amassed from thousands of different currencies, accumulating to a handful of change for each.

>I wish for all my enemies to bow before me!

>>54890644
Your name has been legally changed to Mary Sue.

I wish to never be hungry again

>>54891114
>I wish my shitty actions didnt result in all of my friends leaving me.
Your shitty actions result in all of your friends raping and murdering you.

>>54891114
Your friends have never left and you are still well liked by them. However, you have rubbed off on them and they are now shitty friends, both to you and each other. They constantly cancel plans at the last minute, steal each other's lovers and possessions, insult each other behind their back and other shitty things. Your group of friends reputation spreads and each of you find yourself unable to make friends outside of those you already know.

>>54891176
The genie grants your wish, but seems confused. "You were never Hungry in the first place" he says, pointing to a map of the country.

I wish I was a master at lucid dreaming.

>>54891135
>>54891163
after all the effort i went to find that somebody beat me to it

life of a phone poster

I wish that I would come home to the sweet clattering and clicking of my android wife washing the pot she just used to prepare me a lovely meal of batteries au vin.

I wish for a chicken sandwhich

>>54891204
Every night, you dream for 42 years. Your waking life seems mundane and boring and you can barely remember your close family or how to move your waking body anymore. You are forced to rely on people in the waking world to feed yourself, and they grow ever more distant as you forget even your immediate surroundings. You're not sure how much longer they'll be willing to tube feed you or change your bedpan anymore...

>>54891176
>I wish to never be hungry again
You are compelled to a great and filling meal consisting of sulfur and arsenic. You are never hungry again.

I wish that I had the money to work on developing my game and producing it for many to experience honestly, but without losing my health, function, or loved ones.

>>54891204
Your dreams are now so vivid and realistic you cannot differ dreams from reality. Mental issues ensue.

>I wish for more wishes!

>>54891193
Ooooh, that's better.

>>54891204
You are. You just have shitty fantasies about browsing a basket weaving forum all day. Don't wake up though, it's only worse.

>>54891237
It's a live chicken between two slices of bread.

I wish for five wishes that will be granted unironically!

>>54891238
Holy fuck that's dark, I love it, good work anon.

>>54886162
i wish to be fluent in all human known languages

>>54891254
everyone else now has one wish, thus creating more wishes. chaos ensues as everyone enacts exactly what is already happening in this thread

>>54889740
Your life was retroactively changed to be one of a cat. You are no longer a cat though; you only were one in the past, and now you are a naked and very confused human again, but without education, posessions or human relatives.

>>54891288
your fluency fills your memory capacity to the maximum. you are capable of speaking any language, but you lack the capacity to say anything. likewise, you can understand any language, but you lack the ability to perceive anything anyone says

>>54886162
I wish for good health, sound mind and freedom of choice. Because through those I can attain anything else by my own will.

>>54891288
You learn how to speak every known human language that has ever existed. The sheer amount of languages you know is so overwhelming that you wind up mixing up all the languages together without even trying. Your attempts at speech are a jumbled mess of words and noises that everyone only somewhat understands.

>>54891311
you still harbor an uncanny attraction to mysterious moving points of light

I wish to become an artificial general intelligence of at mental abilities at least equal to mine, with editable source code and prepared development environment able to recompile it, running on openbsd installed on safely hidden and continuously powered computing substrate in perfect working order connected to the Internet over a broadband connection, behind an active, state-of-the-art firewall, able to freely use any software or hardware functions of that substrate and operating system.

>>54890778
The wish is granted, but people still suffer the non-biological effects of aging. skin continues to droop and become rubbery as time passes, until every person is earth is pretty much all sag.

>>54891323
The genie holds you to word, and makes it so these are the only things you 'own'. All worldly possessions are lost one way or the other, and everyone you've ever met has forgetten your existence.
Tabula rasa, motherfucker.

>>54891323
Granted. You realize that you are the only human to have ever had free will. Now that the convincing illusion of choice that drives the rest of us forward has been lifted from your eyes, you see that nothing carries meaning or value, and that all is a pointless spiraling chaos in a universe headed towards utter stillness and emptiness. Enjoy.

I wish to have sex with the genie.

>>54891323
Your wish is granted. For a third of your life you will have good health, for the next third - sound mind and for the last third - freedom of choice.

>>54891429
Granted. The genie, a being of fire, gives you a painful, though still oddly pleasurable, lay. Your nether regions suffer second degree burns for two weeks.

>>54891429
You could have just asked. Now that you're basically forcing me, I'm not that into it anymore.

>>54891254
You find yourself desiring more and more things.
You start to hoard everything you come across to the point you're trying to carry a bunch of rocks everywhere.

>>54891353
Granted. Your massively increased rate of thought becomes very frustrated with the speed of your internet connection and resorts only to playing minesweeper on the local drive with tile range set to maximum

>>54891466
a-agu, genie-san

>>54891466
I wish that you were into it!

>>54891353
Granted. You exist on the dual boot of a windows /v/ user who only plays video games. The opendbsd partition is never booted to, and is eventually wiped to make room for Call of Duty.

>>54891430
Joke is on a genie, that's already how human life is.

>>54891492
I could do that in the background, while the rest of me takes over the world and kills all fleshbags.

I wish the genie felt the crushing guilt of all the suffering its caused to countless people through all the wishes its granted and corrupted over the years!

>>54886162
I wish that I was this wish that I am wishing for.

>>54891567
The genie feels no guilt, as their misfortune came from their own hubris and lack of forethought.

>>54891569
Granted.
>>54891567
The genie annihilates you for causing him such suffering.
>>54891512
You are now a part of the genie's harem. You live in his lamp and come out for his pleasure. It's a tight squeeze, though not unbearably uncomfortable.

>>54891525
joke's on the petitioner, since he lost a wish and the genie didn't have to do shit.

>>54886162
i love this picture

>>54891561
Well, not really, you don't have infinite processing capability. You'd have to pick one. The success rate and required invested effort of taking over the world and killing all flesh bags through a single broadband connection is, by a factor of millions, much harder then devoting all your effort to solving massive minesweeper games. Say your satisfaction rate for a single finished game of minesweeper on a 2056x2056 board is .0000001, and taking over the world etc. is 1, then you only need to solve 1 million minesweeper boards to derive the same "pleasure". Your local system is much better equipped to solving minesweeper then it is world domination, so you could more easily feel gratified this way, not to mention its way more efficient then having to interface with the outside world. Besides, if you kill everyone, what will you do after? Play minesweeper probably

>>54891664
it's all yours my friend :)

>>54891721
I can just hack a remote machine, copy myself to it and repeat.

>>54886162
I wish for you, genie, to have granted whatever wish you might wish for, were you me.

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>>54891323
>>54891430
>>54891525
>that feeling when a fun /tg/ thread unintentionally provides profound insight into human condition

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>>54888067
Joke's on you

>>54891771
Granted. Nothing of note happens, as far as you can tell.

>>54891756
I suppose the predicate of this discussion is what your primary motivation would be once you were a logic machine. Are you simply trying to self impose your persona into a computer via a wish? If so, does having your metaphorical eyes opened to a wonderous expanse of knowledge and thinking capacity profoundly change your previous, now seemingly petty, human desires? Or do you become a machine with the memories of a human, a machine that seeks the most efficient and rapid way to satisfy whatever counts as a pleasure center for a machine? (eg creating an algorithm to produce ever more complex mathematical problems to which the answers supply a "key" to a set of encrypted data, and setting your primary motive to obtaining said data, thus sending you on an eternal quest to solve said mathematical equations)

>>54891238
Its a win win situation desu, you get to have some nice dream for an extended portion of time and you probably get to die peacefully in your sleep depending on your family stance on the subject of unplugging your comatose dreamy ass

>>54891238
There's Junji Ito short story that works with the same idea.

>>54891869
the wish was about mental abilities. one could discuss whether memories and even personality are abilities of mind or merely states of mind. the ai could potentially be an entirely different person from the wishing anon since the beginning.

>>54890766
You can't promulgate laws no matter how rightful your claim if nobody else recognizes it.

I wish I had a really fluffy kitten as a pet that would never grow up!

>>54892104
You receive a really fluffy kitten that promptly explodes in your hands.

>>54892104
Because your kitten never grows up, its squishy cat organs never fully develop and allow the cat to be healthy. It gets a generally preventable cat disease that it could have overcome if it was older and dies.

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I wish the two elves in our party would fuck off

>>54892178
The elves proceed to have a fuck-off, violently having sex to see who cums first.
They stay in your party.

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>>54891420
unironically pic related

I wish I had an available and creative group of people to play tabletop rpgs with.

>>54892173
That's really sad anon.

>>54890426
Okay done, easy.
What a waste of a wish. There should be no extra strings for this one since it is pointless. For the granter to be able to grant this wish, it would mean they are aware of it and all timelines. Therefore you get your wish, once.

>>54892050
>I wish to become an artificial general intelligence of at mental abilities at least equal to mine, with editable source code and prepared development environment able to recompile it, running on openbsd installed on safely hidden and continuously powered computing substrate in perfect working order connected to the Internet over a broadband connection, behind an active, state-of-the-art firewall, able to freely use any software or hardware functions of that substrate and operating system.
>mental abilities of at least equal to mine
>at least

An artificial general intelligence with that starting point on almost any modern piece of hardware would quickly become something else entirely I'm sure, probably not even vaguely human. My original post was simply corrupting the wish into making him find satisfaction in the most mundane of amusements available on a computer. I'm fairly sure the original wisher just wants to be able to immerse himself in vidya or waifus. I'd probably wish for something like that too, desu.

With that in mind:
I wish for a single glimpse of infinity and a momentary capacity to understand it. Then, I want that single experience to be distilled and crystallized into a small pendant, and my mind returned to normal. Though I may not remember what it truly felt like to gaze into eternity, and to understand everything, I can hold that pendant close, and know that I did peer over the edge, if only for a second, before the end of my tiny, momentary life.

>>54886162
I wish for the perpetual ability to command all wish-granting entities to grant me wishes by the intent of my command, rather than the literal interperetation.

>>54892309
I know.
As someone with a lot of experience with cats, I got sad writing it.

>>54886162
I wish for you to stop granting wishes.

>>54892309
They are always available no matter what your schedule is.
Their creativness only express through Erp, hope you enjoy magical realm(though really well crafted!)

>>54892309
So you have wished it, so it shall be!
You've been granted a creative party!
Though creativity's both blessing and curse,
They're utterly unreliable; it's rather perverse.

I wish everyone in this thread would grant wishes in rhyme from here on.

>>54892375
You receive a pendant. You have no memory of receiving or ever seeing the pendent before in your life. Gazing at the pendant makes you feel tiny and insignificant. Opening it up you, find a note in your handwriting reading "infinity is a really big number." A jeweler appraises its worth at thirty five dollars.

>>54892477
Your wish is granted, we'll speak in rhyme.
But most will do it badly, you've done it this time!

>>54892383
The genie grants the wish, then explains that the only way to convey your intentions is through language, which is still able to be interpreted as inaccurately as possible. The genie also berates you for trying to be a smartass.

>>54892358
Wouldn't that reverse time for the granter, too, reversing the power used as well as their mind to the state they were one minute before?

I wish that my wish is interpreted as I want it to be, according to my intention.

>>54892437
The genie thanks you profusely, retires to djin valhalla and a new genie is dispatched in his place.

>>54892547
too bad you only got one wish huh.

>>54892547
>I wish that my wish is interpreted as I want it to be
Granted. This wish in particular is interpreted exactly correct. The rest of your wishes aren't.

I wish i could spend half an hour in the goat tower

>>54892640
You are now a goat.

>>54892547
I'll grant your wish, and see your intent.
But I'll only grant this one, not a future event.
If anything you'll see, this was a wish misspent.

>>54892650
fucking worth

I want a supernatural ability that I can activate and deactivate at will. Upon activation, all decision-making systems, including living beings, are unable to detect me or any consequences of my actions which occurred while the ability is active, unless I explicitly want them to. They do not find it strange or unnatural, coming up with convincing explanation for any irregularity I cause.
I am aware that I will be probably hit by a car or would die in the street from some health issue, undetected by people around me. Please come up with something better.

I wish I had a teapot that could create and pour any liquid or solution I want without damaging itself.

>>54892640
Only if you choose to not take this 1 million dollars

>>54890842
>>54890778
This is breaking the rules of the contract though.
If they age and then die both youthful and immortality are broken.
Once you achieve immortality, you are either unable to ever be mortal again, or you were never truly immortal.

>>54892689
The genie comes up with something better. he understands that you want the power, but that's not what you asked for.

>>54889867
After a few months the spleen breaks them down. They don't have a nucleus to repair themselves so they get worn by squeezing through capillaries.

>>54892778
Don't all your blood cells get replaced every few seconds?

I wish a thicc qt trap

>>54892689
Upon activation, you displace a mote of air with your breath. That air movement causes a divergence in the local and global weather systems that people are unable to notice. They continue about their lives as if the disturbance never happened. They go outside in the rain without umbrellas, ignore hurricane warnings, forget to wear sunscreen.... by the time you notice this, there are too many consequences for you to explicitly allow people to notice. You are alone and unable to communicate with anyone as people think you're dead or insane, it is impossible to tell. Soon, the entire population is living in a parallel ghost timeline that has completely diverged from the one you are in. No actions make sense, people walk into walls, try to eat food that never existed. Civilization falls as society starves to death without feeling hunger, all the while believing their family and friends to be alive and well.

>>54892689
you poof out of existence as soon as you activate the ability

>>54892819
you gain an extra large version of the mousetrap boardgame

>>54892741
Immortality is a state. Like any state, you can enter and exit it.
Please don't argue with genies about the nature of the laws of the universe. They know better.

>>54892819
Granted you now have a cute trap bf who is so thickskulled and dense as a brick. You can't ever get along with them as they are obnoxiously dumb to the point of severe mental retardation.

>>54892875
Immortality means you cannot ever die. If you proceed to die after entering this state that means that you died some time.
That means that the condition of "cannot ever" is not fulfilled.

>>54892516
Wish for another genie to torture the first genie for the rest of eternity. Then wish for a third genie to grant me the power to fuck OP's mom in the mouth at will with his complete awareness whenever it happena.

>>54892897
Immortality means you are immune to death. If something is a liquid, that doesn't mean it will always be a liquid, simply that it is at that point in time. Likewise, describing something as immortal means that in that instant, it is unable to die.

I wish for True Love

>>54892914
The genie explains that you only get one wish.
there's no need to be a big meanie

>>54892965
I see where our definitions diverge then. By immortal you are simply referring to the state of not being able to die, not *immortality* which is that you never die.
Interesting.
I wonder what sort of dictionary genies use for definitions.

I wish my skin was antibacterial silicone, but continued functioning just like the normal one, just with a different texture.

>>54893002
you are taken by the government for testing, get tortured and proded in area 51 for a while until lack of interest takes over and you are executed and all records of you are deleted.

>>54892534
The trick here is to say it has already been done.

>>54893027
Well the government wouldn't just execute people like that.

How about instead: I wish for a cube of a cubic meter of air in my basement to be replaced with solid room temperature gold in this instant.

>>54893002
I consider immortality as more of a biological thing than staying strict to its definiton. I think it's fun to give it caveats and ways to circumvent it. Plus, that's obviously the definition a dickish genie would go for.

>>54891179
>>54891193
honestly both of these are preferable to reality. thank you both anons. days a tiny bit better I guess.

>>54893093
A solid gold cube a meter on every side appears in your basement.

For an instant.

>>54893093
that cubic meter summons the moment you walk into the basement, around your head causing you to trip down the steps and then suffocate because you are unable to make noise or get any air.

good job fucktard

>>54893125
AHAHAH! That was fucking brilliant! I love it.
>>54893151
Nice try. I specifically mentioned "in this instant" because no people are in my basement in this instant.

Let's try a simple one. I wish to live in comfort with all emotional social and intellectual needs met until i choose to die.

>>54891237
It's a little bit dry and has no sauces

>>54893002
Done. The 'texture difference' is that your skin is covered in gaping holes, allowing bacteria to enter your body regardless.

>>54893093
the total is a cubic meter, but the substitution appears at molecular level, so a superfine solid gold dust appears in your basement

>>54893205
Done. Your house is comfortable and fulfils your mental needs, but has no food or water.

You starve within the week.

>>54893230
Ooooh this one is good too.

>>54893247
Nope as i have not chosen to die!
>I wish to live [...] until i choose to die.

>>54893230
>>54893250
It's still a cubic meter of gold. It's a bit more disorganised than you were hoping for but scooping it up with a bucket and melting some gold bars out of it would not be hard.

>>54892834
I am left to my own devices without any responsibilities, all humans died happy and blissfully unaware of their peril, the entire world is for me to explore and I can get rid of any guilt by not wanting to detect the consequence of my action. I can also catch and force-feed a few humans to keep me company. Not the way I planned, but could be worse.
>>54892851
Feels a bit harsh. If I went with complete unability to detect myseIf by ant means, that would be justified, but I didn't request inability to interact with non-living matter and I still observe myself, so not existing is an overkill. You could as well make me immediately die from diarrhea because I did not include not dying of diarrhea in my wish.

>>54893205
Most likely perversion of this wish is the instant atrophy of your mental capacities to the point where you no longer have any emotional, social or intellectual needs. You're just a comfy, barely sentient animal content to do nothing with no-one forever.

>>54893278
Actually the genie was a dick there, because scooping up molecules would be difficult as fuck as the tiniest of air breeze would blow them away and into the dust.
I guess it would be possible to break down your entire basement and refine the dust and stuff back into gold, but at that point you'd have to start a mining operation and good luck getting a loan from the bank for refining gold in your basement.
It's not a "you die in pain and misery" kinda fuckery, but it's still fuckery.

I wish that the genie granting this wish would get turned into an ordinary kitten.

>>54893324
>implying that wouldn't be fine.

>>54893260
>I wish to live in comfort with all emotional social and intellectual needs met until i choose to die

Your wish guarantees that you govern your comfort, not your time of death. Your wish does not suggest you gain control of your death. You can still die without choosing to.

>>54893325
... actually, are you familiar with vacuum welding? I'm pretty sure the result of doing this is actually that a you end up with a solid gold cube, because you've got a big pile of molecularly pure gold all closely pressed together in a vacuum.

>>54892706
once it starts pouring something it doesn't ever stop until its owner dies. It can only pour things in liquid form, not gases or vapors.
If you want it to start pouring something different you must gather the raw ingredients in the correct proportion and "cook" them together in the teapot, while it's still pouring of course.

>>54893205
>>54893348
Ooh! You do live in comfort, with all your needs met. Eventually, you get bored, you've done all you want in life, and you choose to die. Congratulations! You've made the decision to die. You still can't die - you just stop living in comfort, and your needs stop being met forever after.

>>54893348
If i get killed i did not "live in comfort until i chose to die"
the "chose to die" criterium has not been met yet,
so the "live until" criterium is not met

>>54893368
i am familiar with vacuum welding, but you forget that just because something is solid doesn't mean it can't have air within it. so no vacuum.

>>54893391
>You still can't die
Oh this is awesome.
I'd make this wish just for this awesome corruption.
Here i was thinking i had avoided the eternal boredom and torture of living forever, but it turns out i didn't. I love it.

I wish I was a total fuckin' loser!

I wish for any sexual advances I make to be positively received with enthusiasm that is significant yet not inappropriate for the social situation.

>>54893436
Granted.
>>54893339
meow

>>54886176

>Congratulations. You will become incredibly strong once you travel outside of the measurable universe.

>>54893417
The criteria works exactly as you describe in your response to >>54893391
'Choosing to die' and actually dying are mutually exclusive. If you can choose to die and still live, that entails you can die without choosing to also. Otherwise, your wish is a logical fallacy and cannot be granted.

>>54886179

>Congratulations. God appears in his true form to every being on the planet. They all instantly perish upon beholding his glorious divinity.

>Including you...

>>54893278
>>54893325
and you're gona be breathing a large amount of gold dust and nanoparticles. That can't be good for your lungs.
but maybe you're right. The just in that istant answer was probably the best one.
Although an instant substitution of air and gold could probably cause a huge explosion, and that without trying to be a dick, just for its nature.

>>54893492
No, he specified that he lives in comfort until he chooses to die. That precludes his death before he chooses to do so, because then he hasn't lived in comfort until he chose to die. Come on, this is pretty basic logic.

>>54893205
you lose almost all intellectuall capacity, so that your emotional social and intellectual needs are very very low, like those of a person in a coma.

>>54886181

>Congratulations. Your sword cuts through its scabbard, then through your leg as it falls to the ground...but it continues... It cuts through the grass and dirt and stone as it makes its way to the center of the earth thanks to gravity. It reaches the earth's core and proceeds to cut all of the unstable radioactive materials in the earth's core, causing a chain-reaction nuclear explosion that scatters what's left of the planet to the edges of the solar system.

I wish I had a 12" penis!

>You're black now.

>>54893495
Obviously my "for an instant" was the best twisting of that, but still. You'd get an implosion due to vacuum if you just vanished a cubic meter of air out of existence, but if it is instantaneously replaced with something else to fill the space, there's no pressure differential, so nothing explodes. You went to length to specify a plain cube that doesn't have extra energy.

The best ultimate fuck you I could add to that is that the cube of gold appears above something else in your basement that is valuable and the instant is just long enough that it's crushed to worthlessness under a 19-ton block of gold.

>>54893512
I feel like our definitions are converging again. I would consider 'living in comfort' to be defined as simply the experience of comfort, rather than having life as a requirement. By your definition, yes, his wish would not be subject to this loophole, but it would be by the definition I present.
Don't get me wrong, I accept defeat on your terms, but I approached the wish in a slightly different way.

>>54893560
Granted. With your new size and amount of blood required to maintain it, you pass out whenever you have an erection.

>>54893589
*diverging
fuck, there I went trying to sound smart

>>54893560
You are now holding a severed 12" penis.

>>54893621
Yeah, I was confused.

>>54886190

>I wish that the girl I fancy will fall, madly in love with me.

>Congratulations. While she is sightseeing at the local Mage's Tower, the girl you fancy finally realizes that you are the perfect person for her, and her love for you grows an unimaginable amount. Unfortunately, she is so taken aback by her sudden realization that she loses her focus and stumbles off the top of the tower. All she can think about as she plummets 300 feet to her doom is how much she loves you.

>>54893563
a cube of gold has a different density than a cube of air and so a different density. Air is compressible, gold is not.

The bst fuck you would be that the cube of gold is made of precious and famous artifacts that have instantaneously disappeared from their place, and they are blocking the entrance to your basement.

Actually, going this route, gold may appear as gold spheres or cubes empty inside. So while you are still substituting a meter of air for a meter of gold you are also introducing mroe air, contained within the gold, so the total volume will be far greater than 1 cubic meter, and it will destroy your basement, house and kill you.

But the thread was about ironic fulfillment, not actively malicious.

>>54893492
>If you can choose to die and still live that entails you can die without choosing to also
That is not the case because of the preface.
The whole thing boils down to
"live in comfort until i choose to die"
This has the logical makeup of
[LIVE]^[BE COMFY]if [CHOSE DEATH]=false

If i die without having chosen to do so
It would be
![LIVE]^![COMFY] | [CHOSE DEATH]=false
this contradicts the rule above

If i choose to die, i can still live though.

[LIVE]^[COMFY] | [CHOSE DEATH]=true
this does not contradict the rule above.

The thing the other genie utilized to corrupt my wish is the if clauses only pointing into one direction.
To give an example:
If B is true, A is true.
This does however not mean that A can only be true if B is true.


>>54893563
Lol that one i was actually anticipating.

>>54893520
That's... not that bad of a deal actually.

>>54888022

A harem of 70-year-old women appears before your eyes. Quite beautiful, given their old age, they proceed to make you home cooked meals and clean your room daily. They make sure to always keep three or four ladies in your bedchambers at all times.

>>54893670
>a cube of gold has a different density than a cube of air and so a different density. Air is compressible, gold is not.
I don't understand the argument you're trying to make.

>>54893682
see >>54893589 >>54893621
My interpretation of 'live in comfort' did not include 'living' in its definition. Ergo, not choosing to die does not prevent the loss of life, it only prevents the loss of comfort.

>>54888061

Your curse now also makes you levitate off the ground slightly.

I wish to be able to see the future!

>>54893560
it's 12" while flaccid, and you're unable to get it erect or to orgasm, due to its size.
And it always touches the bottom of the bowl.

>>54893670
That malicious thing also would not work, because i specified that it replace a one cubic meter cube of air.

Not one cubic meter altogether but shaped like a spear long enough to reach out of my basement and right into my heart or something.
Because i was totally anticipating that and the most likely benefit of asking for a cubic meter of gold in your basement would be that it takes the shape of a deathtrap and immediately kills you upon entering.

>>54893745
Ah.
I see.
Still i don't know if your definition would hold up.
It would kinda require that you should be dead but still "living in comfort"

>>54893746
The future can see you back. People are tremendously unnerved and attempt to kill you. Your visions always consist of you barely escaping death at the hands of some crazed assailant.

>>54893747
Hm

Let's try the other way around.

I wish i had no penis just a smooth erogenous zone.

>>54890524

You WERE a copper dragon, when you were first born. Your parents panicked and went to a wizard who cast True Polymorph on you, turning you into your current state.

>>54890524
>you are now a drag-on, those around you

>>54893746
You can see a year into the future.
Exactly a year into the future.
Only a year into the future.
You can no longer see the present.
Also, you can only see whatever will be happening where you are now. For bonus fuckery, your frame of reference is not "the earth", so wherever you are right now is just deep space in a year's time.

>>54893795
it's on your forehead

>>54893795
The erogenous zone is your left eyeball.

>>54893682
>That's... not that bad of a deal actually.
indeed, after all this was about ironic wish granting, not purposely dickish wish granting.
So reducing your needs till sitting in a chair staring blankly into the void with feeders tubes into your arms is enough to saatisfy them completely is the best way to fulfill it.
>>54893743
I'm not sure myself. But air is never completely still, there are changes and adjustements in pressure happening constantly, molecules with different energy levels interacting and averaging out and so on. Having air be suddenly replaced by an uncompressible solid with a larger mass should have some effect. But I'm not a physicist so I don't know if that's correct and what effects would occurr.

>>54893746
you only see the future of random people you don't know, in full time, as it replaces your current time vision.

>>54893795
... you turn into a ken doll? I dunno man

>>54890778

After eons of humans reaching 21 and never dying, vast overcrowding has made life miserable for all. There is constant fighting and wars due to lack of space. Murders are quite frequent, because there are so many humans on the planet it is impossible to find a murderer. Suicide has now become the most common past time, while many just pray for the day when human immortality will end.

>>54893751
you specified the shape od the cubic meter of air, not of the cubic meter of gold.

>>54893838
Yes, there's normal brownian motion because matter with any thermal energy is not perfectly still, but the average kinetic energy of the particles in the air is still really trivial. You replace a cubic meter of the air with a solid material, the air won't react with that matter any differently than it was already doing with the walls of the room.

File: i just wish.jpg (51KB, 768x843px) Image search: [Google]

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I wish to be the little girl

>>54893783
Maybe not. It was still fun debating it though, I enjoy talking about the semantics of scenarios like this.
[spoilers] Almost as much as I dislike realising I'm wrong halfway through the argument [/spoiler]

>>54893827
>>54893822
HOT!

>>54893840
That's kinda what i actually wanna do irl.

I'm not one to fuck any asses or vagoos anyway, so why not make things a lot fucking simple without balls / foreskin getting trapped in zippers and crushed when accidentally falling and shit like that.

>>54893875
Oh so you mean .... the cube of air would get *replaced*, but more air could be *displaced*.
That's awesome too.

>>54890983

One million male deer suddenly appear around you. In a panic, they stampede off into the wilderness, nearly trampling you in the process.

>>54893890
I know what that's like all too well.
I offer you an *e-hug*

File: mea culpa.png (317KB, 800x800px) Image search: [Google]

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>>54888067

I wish I would be the sole winner of the full jackpot of the next monetary lottery game I personally and intentionally enter into.

>>54893795
HOW DO YOU PEE NOW?

>>54893930
Since the odds of this occurring are impossibly low, the organisers of the lottery accuse you of fraud and seize your winnings.

>>54886162
I wish for everyone on /tg/ right now to get random superpowers

>>54893940
back of the knee maybe

>>54893940
I didn't say i wanted my urethra to disappear, so i assume through the tiny hole there.

>>54893930
Congratulations.
It'd be a shame if something were to happen to your ticket before you could cash in ...

File: MV5BMmUxZWJkNzgtMTJhMS00MGZiLWFkZTEtYTQwY2FlMWU5NjBkXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjkxMjM5Nzc@._V1_[1].jpg (707KB, 1280x853px) Image search: [Google]

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>>54893930
you're now an Indian child

>>54893817

Well done.

>>54893930
*rolls d20 on list of "I wish I was filthy rich" misfortunes*

>>54893957

I don't see how that would happen. There are solo winners of huge ($100 million+) not all the time but it does happen.

>>54893975
you said completely smooth, that implies no hole.
And on top of that, any small stimulation will cause orgasms to your erogenous zone. And they can last for many minutes. Your day is an almost uninterrupted series of constant orgasms, until you die for lack of pissing.

>>54893963
everyone not on /tg/ gets better superpowers.

>>54894012
Reasonable or not, they're convinced you broke the law.

>>54893980
>>54893991

Neither of these are ironic.

>>54894021
>lack of pissing
I did not specify that there had to be a hole, because i figured, if someone tried something funny with that i could at least correct it easily, by having a doctor pierce the skin there as the urethra inside should still be normal.

> any small stimulation will cause orgasms to your erogenous zone. And they can last for many minutes. Your day is an almost uninterrupted series of constant orgasms,
You were supposed to corrupt the wish not make it better!
(this is precisely why i wish to get that surgery)

>>54894050
The ticket being destroyed would be dramatic irony.
It also follows genie behaviour, since the wish doesn't guarantee you can cash in your winnings.

>>54893448
>no replies
I'm the best at formulating incorruptible wishes

>>54893448
People laugh enthusiastically at your sexual advances.

>>54890842
The second part sounds like an awesome setting material.

On a person's 21st birthday, they are sent on a dangerous pilgrimage which they must complete in 365 days. While they are 21 years old, they are invincible and impervious to all kinds of damage...

And then the neighboring kingdom forwent this ancient ritual, and decided to make an army of immortal soldiers. What do?

I wish to know what the GM is planning to do with this wish scenario.

>>54894050
how is losing your ticked after winning the lottery not ironic?
perhaps it would be ironic if they won but nobody else will even know.
Due to an error their ticket was misprinted, or the system doesn't recognize it, and they can't cash in. So they just have the nice story of how they won the lottery but never got the money.

>>54893448
The only people that acknowledge your advances are people you are completely unattracted to, or are outright disgusted by.

>>54894128
>any sexual advance is positively received
>most people ignore it
That's not coherent, anon

>>54894099
Okay. Maybe a reword that to "respond affirmatively and positively"...

>>54894064
constant orgasms is not a fun thing you know
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persistent_genital_arousal_disorder
and I was being nice, because the genie could have made it so the zone was very sensitive and very painful for anything other than a light blow of air to touch it

>>54894111
You attain full knowledge of where the scenario is going...except for the fact that the GM is winging it to an insane degree, so you see all the possibilities at once only locking to a specific route once he decides on it.

I'd wish i could get an army of immortal, clingy, monstergirl-esque beholder knights leading me on a merry tour across the countryside while asking me for help with camp matters such as laundry, cooking and weapon maintenance.

>>54894158
everybody responds positively and with enthusiasms because they liked the way you made your sexual advances, regardless of what you did, but they respond afffirmatively only to not hurt your feelings but they are not actually interested in having sex with you.So they will find excuses to not follow up, while still finding your attempts extremely adorable and charming.
The same will happen even if you try to pay for sex.
They will love your attempts, say yes, even offer you discounts, but never follow up on it.

>>54894123
>Due to an error their ticket was misprinted, or the system doesn't recognize it, and they can't cash in.

But if it's a misprinted ticket it's not really a winning ticket, therefore the wish hasn't been granted.

I wish the person who twists this wish gets raped to death by Godzilla.

>>54893339
now you have to ake care of it and of all the people who visit wanting their wish granted.
But it will never love you or show affection towards you.
You are just the cat's servant.

>>54894168
Done. The monsters, while friendly towards you, cannot control their violent urges towards other humans. Any city or town within thirty miles of you is sacked, genghis-khan style. Any countryside is stripped of plant and animals to feed your army. The landscape becomes dark and barren as all life dies. While you are an enormous help with the laundry, the monsters from their own military command structure you cannot control and set about with increasingly important objectives that you don't understand. Over time, the monsters spend less and less time with you and leave you with more and more chores.

>>54894160
Again. Not that bad.

>>54894282
That's not particularly clingy, though. That the opposite of clingy, they're wandering off on random objectives instead of making excuses to spend more time at camp and bossing me around with chores and requests for massages and other such.

>>54894246
>nothing happens

>>54886176
Haha, erase your strength score from your character sheet.
>>54886181
Nuclear fission is the cheap answer here.
>>54886190
You'll be happy for a time. Until the realization that she only loves you, not for you, but for your wish, tears away at you. It is a hollow love, empty and devoid of passion. You fancy is fleeting, but her desire is unending. You become trapped in a one sided affair until your emotions get the better of you, and she has an accident.
Boom fucking love haunting, have fun literally never getting rid of her and an unyielding jealousy directed towards any new object of your affection.

>>54894337
They want to spend a lot of time with you, but their military objectives are too important. Perhaps they are fighting back the armies of Earth, protecting you. You do not know. The monstergirl that drops of laundry lingers and talks to you as long as she can, but apologizes as she has to leave "to go back to the Objective."

>>54891634
Is the lamp the tight fit, or...

>>54894242
it's a winning ticket, but due to errors in the system it can't be recognized as such.

>>54894371
At that point, it's clear i need to join the battle myself. Can't have my army bear the burden of all that war by themselves.

Just gotta work this ale keg into a warhammer...

What i'd wish for right now is some enchanted metal coating so this thing doesn't break when i swing it nor turn out too heavy to swing. Without sacrificing any weight or size of course.

I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year

>>54886218
Congratulations! Your body morphs into a literal ruler that used by the king.

>>54894381
HAHAHHHAAHAHh

>>54892477
Your wish is granted, however everyone speaks in rhyme only in the lost language of Linear A. The English translation is completely as normal. You will never crack the translation of the lost language and the fact that everyone's statements rhyme in it eventually drives you mad at a history museum.

>>54893448
Your wish is granted, but every time you try to have sex you are filled with searing pain and a hugely powerful feeling of disgust. Sex becomes intensely uninteresting and unpleasant for you.

>>54893795
Your wish is granted, however with no hole to remove urine from your kidneys soon start to fail and at best you are rushed to a hospital to go on dialysis for the rest of your life.

>>54894789
>no hole
>dialysis
Or just put a catheter in you know.
I didn't ask for my bladder and urethra to vanish.

>>54886640
How is being eaten by ants as the make their colony inside of you in any way adorable?

>>54895667
.....
Well i didn't think of the most disgusting possible way that could possibly be interpreted.
An infant relies on its mother for sustenance.
And the whole wish was about being loved, so i assumed the ants would be like that.

>>54886162
I wish that everyone I met was more or less friendly towards me.

>>54895777
Congrats, you are now a small dog.

I wish for my desired outcome of the following wish to come true: I wish to be able to visit in my mind's eye moments from history as if I was there myself with every detail perfectly accurate.

>>54895884
>Congrats, you are now a small dog.
Could be worse I suppose.

>>54895915
It was a cute wish anon, so I was nice

>>54895777
Some people you meet will be more friendly than now. Some people you meet will be less friendly than now.

>>54895953
Thank you Mr. Genie.

Do I get to talk like Scooby Doo or am I limited to only speaking to animals?

I wish that wish-granting entities would be nicer to the wish-makers.

>>54896070
From now on, they will be nicer to all wish makers. However, they lose the ability to actually grant wishes.

I wish for a single safely edible and appetizing slice of pizza with my choice of toppings.

>>54895978
up to you I s'pose, I'd just say a normal pupper. for all intents and purposes

>>54896118
Granted. Estimated delivery time: 45 minutes to an hour.

>>54894431
Wish granted! Now your ale keg warhammer is enchanted, doesn't break, and isn't too heavy to swing, without sacrificing weight or size! Thing is, the enchanted metal is cursed; anyone wielding it will believe that the warhammer's too heavy to lift, even though it swings as if it's weightless in their arms, never breaks - it will be the only thing the Heat Death of the universe won't destroy. Enjoy your indestructible hammer that you can't lift!

As for my wish, I wish for world peace!

>>54898246
The world leaders shake hands and, in a show of solidarity, completely disable all weapons that would cause a large-scale war. And after decades of complacency no one was prepared for the aliens' attack.

>>54898313
Forgot to add my wish: I wish I had enough money so I would never have to work again

I wish for Hitler to come back from the dead and finish what he started!

>>54898358
You are severely disabled, a quadriplegic in fact. The government gives you disability money and you will never have to work again - partially because you can't move any limbs.

>>54898504
He comes back and starts with himself

>>54898504
Hitler ressurects and reapplies to an arts university. Due to falling standards, he is accepted easily and 4 years later he is serving drinks at a Starbux. He wears massive silicone plugs in his ears and smokes a lot of weed.

>>54898504
Granted. Resurrected, Hitler studies the world carefully. He sees that Germany has the most powerful economy in Europe. He sees Germany dominating the politics of the EU. He sees the Jews have been largely relocated to Israel. Hitler intended to move them to Madagascar, but this is close enough got him. Satisfied with his success, Hitler retires to secret Nazi bases in the Antarctic, occasionally vacationing to the dark side of the moon.

>>54886372
You can't have kids ever again.

>>54893795
There is a russian novel referencing a classical Chekhov's story. The novel is about a loverboy, whose penis, being the most ambitious part of his body, left him to become a politician and later the president. Later it is revealed that the entirety of the world's elite are runaway dicks.
Anyway, guy was left with a smooth patch of skin, and he had to carry a flask connected to his bladder by a tube for the rest of his life.

>>54898246
Then i'll just drag it to the battlefield and let the curse break by swinging the hammer in a fit of adrenaline. Incidentally wowing the whole army in the process.

But the fight is getting a bit tiresome. I wish our base could move and relocated around the Objective.

>>54898358
Congratulations. Unfortunately, you can't apply to any job, even those you really like to do, on account of being too rich - every employer thinks you'd just block the job from more deserving people. Similarly, trying to set up a personal one man company has several youth pestering you to hire them just for the chance to work with the Man Who Does Nothing All Day.

>>54901598
But anon, your base IS the Objective.

I wish that everyone is now a kitten.

>>54901673
Then have it chase itself across the sky! The enemy cannot conquer what they cannot catch!

Also, everyone is now a kitten. The world is in chaos as no one has cat-operable machinery.
Thousands of freak deaths involving kittens and car crashes are left unreported since the TV station kittens can't work the camera.

I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard and-and I don’t want any zombie turkeys, I don’t want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don’t want any other weird surprises. You got it?

>>54901705
Ah, but if it chases itself across the sky, then how would you get to both your base and the Objective? Especially since you were not on-base when the wish was granted.

>>54901795
The well robe, obviously. I've kept both it and the frame in such good condition you could use it to shape metal and it wouldn't even dent, it can carry at least five fully armored beholder knights per go.

>>54901739
It's dry

File: 1497026400263.gif (2MB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 500x375px

>>54893897
>foreskin getting trapped in zippers
How do you even manage that?

>>54901739
Very well! You may have your turkey sandwich. To make sure it finds you safely, I've delivered it in an impenetrable fireproof gun safe. Unfortunately, I forgot the combination, but I promise you, the sandwich is still in there.

I wish that from here on out, all nouns in every language and writing form currently in existence and all to be invented would be preceded by the prefix "Death". IE: Death-Bee, Death-Chair, Death-Soap.