Good morning /tg/. You may remember me as the dm who's players threw all their weapons into a whole because a lich told them he would enchant them tomorrow.
You may remember me as the garbage dm that gave his player 3 wishes and then that player immediately ruined the timeline.
You may remember me as the dm who's wizard killed a demon who swore revenge on him and made jerky from his body.
You may remember me as the dm who's wizard set up a food cart and the barbarian killed a man and offered it to the wizard to sell as food.
This is what happened this week.
>players are searching out a wizard who is chasing down a powerful artifact
>they manage to track him down through a temple and catch him in the act of stealing the artifact
>it is revealed that the wizard is the lich that enchanted their weapons previously
>they skip diplomacy and immediately try and fight this lich
>asseskicked.exe
>player who still has 2 wishes, wishes that they were someplace safe
>the party appears in the middle of an elven stronghold city
>elves help them but tell them they can only stay for 1 week and must be escorted out of the city blindfolded and never return or tell anyone where their city is
>characters agree to the terms and conditions
>day 1
>the wizard, paladin and bard are working on skills such as cooking, falconry, and preformance
>the rogue and barbarian are drinking
>enter stereotypical bar character: cloaked man in the corner of the bar
>calls the two characters over
>explains that the elves are trapped in the walls of the stronghold city and that their tyrant of a king won't let them leave
>if the characters kill the king they can start a revolt and give the elves their freedom.
>rogue and barbarian think this is a good enough idea and decide to bring the wizard in on it to help them with the assassination
>wizard begins talking about confirming this information with other elves to ensure this guy in the bar isn't just some drunk radical
>deliberation begins on how to ensure this elf is telling the truth
>15 minutes later
>rogue's player OOC says "this is boring let's just kill him."
>wizard and barbarian agree
>rogue and barbarian sneak into the kings mansion
>rogue plans that he will shoot the king with 2 grappling hook arrows and take the dead king with him so the priests can't revive him
>barbarian plans that to slow the guards and frazzle the witnesses he will throw jars of scorpions he had collected all over the room and dump his soap bar collection
>wizard is waiting outside in case he needs to teleport in and help
>king is eating dinner with advisors
>rogue and barbarian find a vantage point
>rogue fires 2 arrows at once and manages to get the king in the head and chest with his grappling hooks
>begins dragging the king away
>barbarian begins MLB pitching scorpion jars at people
>king while being drug knocks over candles
>table cloth and kings clothes are now on fire
>barbarian dumps his soap all over the floor
>guards and advisors screaming in agony, slipping on soap, being stung by scorpions and burned trying to put out fires
>rogue and barb leap through the window and yank the king out with them
>kings burning corpse is being drug through town
>rogue jumps into a previously dug hole with the kings corpse and the wizard uses illusion to make it look like solid ground
>king's mansion is on fire
>towns people are gathering
>guards start looking for the party
>the wizard, rogue paladin and bard show up
>guard asks where the rogue is
>they say he must be off drunk somewhere
>wizard says he'll check 1 bar and the guard and other party members will check the other
>manages to persuade the guard
>wizard runs off and grabs the rogue
>dimension door to the bar
>tries to get him drunk as fast as possible
>sees the only people still in the bar are the bartender and the cloaked man in the corner
>approaches the cloaked man and tells him to tell the guards that the rogue had been in the bar allevening
>cloaked man pulls back cloak
>reveals to wizard that he is the demon that swore revenge on him
>laughs and disappears as the guards come to the bar
>>54871162
I remember the weapons enchantment one.
That pic is too distracting. How is shit burning underwater?
>>54871162
Who are you, again? Honestly all those sound like you making rookie mistakes and your players being asshole retards. I want to hear the first story you mentioned.
>>54871282
That does check out. I am a rookie and they are assholes and retards.
If others want to hear it as well I'll type it out again
>>54871384
Go for it Anon, I recall your tales with a fond chuckle and would not be against you sharing them again.
>>54871384
Plz story tiem
>be session 1
>characters start out in starter town
>starter town is intended to kick off the story
>characters follow the plot points to the home of a powerful wizard living in the city who is intended to become the bbeg
>wizard is in a basement study with a dirt floor
>wizard is wearing a large black cloak with a golden mask
>the paladin identifies the wizard as undead, tells the group he's a lich
>barbarian "awesome can you enchant our weapons for us"
>the lich explains he'll enchant their weapons at no charge
>one of you just has to let me attach part of my soul to you
>obviousevil.jpg
>rogue without hesitation: "okay I'll do it."
>I and the lich sit there shocked as the rest of the party is totally cool with this
>need to try and make it more obviously evil
>the lich uses a spell and undead hands break through the dirt floor and create a large hole in front of the player characters
>the lich instructs them to throw their weapons into the hole and leave. When they come back tomorrow they'll have been enchanted
>seems legit
>players casually throw all their weapons into this hole
>alright see you tomorrow
>tomorrow
>all weapons are enchanded with small helpful magic abilities and all have large gems at the bottom of the hilt
>the rogue is hearing voices, sleepwalking, occasionally had necrotic powers and instead of seeing himself in mirrors sees the lich
>no need to worry about that
>a week later
>they run into the lich again who they now regard as a friend
>the lich asks for the gems in the bottom of their hilts and replaces them
>no need to worry about that
>A few weeks later
>party is dumbfounded and shocked when a high priest scorns them for using weapons that steal the souls of whatever they kill and trap it in the gem at the hilt
>>54871219
And then?
>>54872468
>The guards arrive with the rest of the party
>the party attempts to bullshit their way out of it
>nodice.gif
>paladin causes a distraction
>wizard dimension door himself and the bard out o the stronghold
>the rogue and barbarian burrow under the wall
>paladin flies away
>party is now in a forest completely lost
>elves are chasing them
>there's a good chance they just arch duke ferdinanded the shit out of this place and it's not going to go well
>session ends
>>54871162
>gave his player 3 wishes and then that player immediately ruined the timeline.
Please elaborate, I'm interested.
>>54872106
Holy fucking shit do those guys want to see the place crash and burn with no survivors?
>>54873231
I don't think they care.
Seems like a very neutral party, at least they got the fancy weapons.
>>54873043
>arch duke ferdinanded
That's a new way of describing PC actions and their consequences.
I like it.
>>54871162
Those were all you?
>>54873185
>paladin plays angel homebrew race
>his god died in battle trying to defeat a 100 foot tall goblin demon with a 200 foot long flaming penis whip
>whole character arc is to try and find a way to revive his god
>manages to get his hands on a deck of many things because I'm an idiot
>draws a moon card
>fuck
>rolls a 3
>FUCK
>wishes that he could stop his god from dying
>appears 100 years in the past moments before the battle with the penis goblin demon
>tells his god what happened and that his god needs to retreat
>his god listens and abandons the city he was protecting from the dick demon
>city is dwarven
>paladin proceeds to wait out the 100 years to get back to the party
>during this time he changes a bunch of things
Here's a list
>now majority of dwarves hate his god for abandoning them in their time of need
>the warlock is now a bard because the paladin intervened in his back story
>zookeeper they helped previously, instead got his knees broken by the goblin cartel
>plague that they helped stop instead wiped out half of a large populated city
>the party has no money and are level 1 except for him
>paladin's god literal deus ex machinas them back ton their appropriate level so not everyone is so pissed
>have to rewrite campaign
>3 months worth of sessions are gone
>campaign takes a very different turn
Mfw the motherfucker had 2 more wishes
>>54874453
Please Anon, continue.
>>54874736
Here we go
>paladin uses his second wish
>"I wish we had all of our favorite things from the previous timeline directly in front of us"
Meanwhile somewhere in the ocean
A crew's boat dishapers
>all cargo and seamen alike fall into the cold ocean
>knowing they are so far from land that this trip will be their last
>crewmembers wail and pray as their bodies go into shock and they slowly die from drowning or hypothermia
Meanwhile back with our party
>several enchanted magic items appear in front of the party along with a small boat that they purchased in the previous timeline and used as a home for a while
>the lich appears in front of the group as he was the rogues best friend
>having no memory of eachother, the encounter is awkward at best
>after a brief and uneventful conversation the lich he teleports away
> party has most of their important magic items and enough items to have some money for adventuring costs
>begins adventuring anew
>>54873629
Yes. I posted enough stories that I figured I should at least let people know that this is all apart of one clusterfuck of a group.
>>54875001
My god, that boat.
Did you actually describe it like that to your guys?
>>54876923
Almost word for word. I was pretty proud of that on the fly.