Meanwhile on Dragon /tg/

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How do we fix the white dragon problem? Should they even be allowed to be considered dragons, let alone free to insult the intelligence of other races?

Song Dragon here. Any other dragons have a problem with humans trying to get their inter-species diplomacy on?

I just want to hang out in my little wood and pet my unicorns, but every day it's bards trying to seduce me. So help me, if I hear one more 'lay the dragon' pun I'm going to crap on their castle.

>>54437740
>le Social Justice Wyrm
>le Drake Priviledge meme
get out

>>54437799
The struggle of a male song dragon.

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>>54437799
>Not dwelling in the depths of the furthest reaches of the cosmos.

>Be me somewhat young dragon
>Walk around in random direction
>Find village
>Pretty far from normal society
>Everyone hides when I come over so I leave
>Rinse and repeat for a while
>Over the course of like eighty years they slowly go from hiding to tolerating and eventually worshipping me
>lolwut
>I'm some kind of powerful spirit that guards then
>They make a stone idol of me
>Not gold but it's chill
>I get tons of food just to laze around all day and spook off goblins
Anyone else here living the easy life?

What happens when a silver dragon impregnates a red?

Asking for a friend.

>>54438469
You make an abomination that should be killed

I'm surrounded by savage tribes. Their tribute to me is always made of bones and hide. This shit won't make for a lasting hoard, and they keep getting their asses kicked when I point them at "civilized" nations. What do?

>>54438469
You get neutral dragonling that breathes...breath? At least your offspring won't give you much competition down the line.

>>54437531
>Any tales regarding the blundering mortals my fellows?
These human men must have heard some really strange stories about dragons because they keep propositioning me.

>>54438571
Make them get civilized. Have them trade valuables to the more civilized nations.

>>54437531
Dragons are boring as fuck these days. I like how the combination of all of humanity's primal fears tossed in a bag is now fodder for teenagers to masturbate to and identify as. I feel like there's some metaphor about modernity in that.

>>54438644
>Teenagers masturbate to and identity as a member of my species.
What the fuck?

>>54437740
>let alone free to insult the intelligence of other races?
Black dragons didn't even invent the wheel.

>>54438644
>Dragons exist to scare humans
>Our purpose in life is to scare humans


Found the human.

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Who /dragonturtle/ here? You see more wyverns on this board than us.

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{{This *form*/*frame*/*perspective*, would like to know how our/mine/your draconian kind have been these past few aeons}}.

>>54439060
I've seen more Komodo Dragons on this board. Where did you all go? Last time I saw one of you was on that thread about that jackass who tried seducing a Basilisk.

>>54439421
>Komodo Dragons

When did those learn to type? I'm not sure where the others went. I bet one's on the Plane of Water.

>>54437531
Guys... guys you gotta help me. I've done something terrible.

So, back, I don't know, hardly a century ago, I adopted a human abandoned by it's parents. Poor little thing. No scales, no breath weapon, jack shit.

Raised her like my own. Proud as fuck when she became a sorcerer after only 18 years.

Then, her health started declining just 50 years later. I asked her what was wrong, and she just said it was a human thing, so I put her in a nice home in a city, asked a priest of Bahamut to watch after her, and went on a quick errand. Barely twenty years!

When I came back, the cleric told me she died in her sleep. I did everything- divinations, scrying, all negative. No curses, poisons, diseases, and everyone is just saying it's her time!

That's not true, right? I was going to start teaching her epic spells. She wasn't even a century old and she just died.

What'd I do wrong? Crying like a bitch into a mountain of gold here.

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>>54439670
Humans have short lifespans, can confirm. The halfling sailors around here tell me their own are just slightly longer.

You could try reanimating her, but they don't take that well.

>>54439693
Just talked to the local great wyrm.

Xyrannthm says they're lucky to make it as long as she did.

I fucking feel numb. I keep thinking I need to go check on her.

What kind of cruel god creates a species that can give love and doesn't even live a century?

>>54439610
They didn't. Some wizard was fucking around, and now we have some frequent Komodo-fags trying to promote poison saliva over poison breath. Other than that, they are surprisingly agreeable.

Plane of water eh? Not really surprising, but I don't think I would have heard otherwise since I dislike getting wet. Thanks for clarifying that.

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>>54439733
I've heard some conflicting reports. Would you believe someone once transported an Androsphinx by ship? He surmised that humans must have been a kind of giant once, and then cursed by demons to lose their size and longevity.

I once ate a shark, only to find out there was a gnome inside its mouth. He said he thought humans must have been some kind of ape that lost all its hair and learned to walk upright.

One of their old phrases is "ashes to ashes, dust to dust." Some of them, you see, believe that the gods made them out of dust.

There was also a Blue Dragon alchemist, who sent me a rather graphic description. Let me see if I still have it on this viewing-pearl.

>>54439733
Simply create a clone of her that is much younger, and find someone who can guide her soul back to the body you have made. After that, look into life extending trinkets, spells, etc...

If you need proof, you need only ask my son. Like your daughter, he is also human. I went through what you are going through now before consulting an old man with seven birds. He gave me the idea.

>>54437531
Watch out guys, there's an insane group consisting of the lesser-races who are dead-set on eating one of us. I had to fend them off last week. I think the dicks stole some of my treasure, too.

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>>54439981
I'm on it. I will send them a small troupe of kobolds with 'Information' as to my whereabouts, then when they reach my 'lair', it will be blocked off from the outside and have acid pour from the ceilings.

Come forth you cult of gluttons, and bring your forks and your knives as well. You are going to need all the help you can get if you think you will savor my flesh.

Hello, fellow dragons. As a dragon myself, I can't help but wonder what is the best way for a griffon to kill you?

>>54440179


>>>>>>>>/Griffit/

>>54439865
I don't understand the picture.

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I bet you cowards don't even eat Fae

>>54440413
I believe it's a reminder of how to awfully young human sorcerers tried to bring back to life a relative of theirs, or something like that, trough necromancy using those elements to build the body

>>54440483
Only a youngling or an idiot would eat fae! How are you supposed to satisfy your hunger with something so small and puny?
Werecows is where it's at: they have fat, they have meat and they even give some fight so that the meal is not boring.

>>54440483
Too stringy.

>>54440531
>Not eating Fae piece by piece just to see them twist in pain
It's like you don't even kill for fun.

>>54440547
That's fair

>>54440483
You are what you eat, and let's just say there is a reason 'Fey' rhymes with 'Gay'.

>>54440483
Ligger what.

Enjoy your curses, idiot.

The quality of this fucking board really went to shit when it got sold to that Long

How the fuck is he supposed to understand the difference between a drake and a wyrm if all he does is fondle his balls everyday

>>54439153
What is this a picture for humans?

>>54441876
On the right track, but it is actually for gnomes. They are basically just tinier humans, if one could believe that.

>>54439670
If you want a long lived pet get an elf. With dwarfs you risk them taking some of your horde, gnomes are poorly behaved and make odd items (admitably some can be added to your horde but you can't leave them running free) and halflings eat too much.
The alternative is a half breed but that has it's own issues or checking out the local types of lizard people but there are so many subtypes I never got in to that.
If you really want to you could get a breeding settlement and try not to get too attached, kobolds make useful labor pets.

>>54442120
I say get a settlement. I've been watching over this little mountain hamlet for about 4 human generations and it's just so darling the way they keep growing and expanding the place. I find it oddly relaxing just to sit in the sun and watch them go about their silly little lives.
Plus the livestock they keep sacrificing to me is nice.

>>54440483
>You'll Cowards Don't Even Smoke Fae

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>>54437740
>Not having a qt White gf
>Not flying back to your lair to her dumb smile after a long day of terrorizing
>Not enjoying her scattered commentary on various happenings
>Not appreciating that she is too simple to stab you in the back every godsdamn day
>Not cuddling your cute cat-like white waifu
I bet you're a fucking Red.

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>be Fang Dragon wyrmling
>every other dragon mocks me for not having a breath attack or magic.
>be Adult Fang Dragon
>find those dragons
>eat their soul and skin
You breath-faggots keep casting spells while /Fitdragon/ fucks your bitches
i laugh at you, Dragon/tg/

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Spider-Fag here, can you guys settle a dispute between me any my brothers?

Are those long 'Eastern Dragons' really Dragons? I don't think so and my brothers won't hear any of it no matter how hard I argue.

Also to the Red Dragon that was in our Forrest the other day, you forgot your sapphire, the thing is huge and it's blinding everyone at noon, really inconvenient. Please and thanks!

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>>54443355
If whites can be considered dragons, then Eastern Dragons definitely get to be too, at least they are smart enough, and powerful enough to uphold at least some standard of draconic dignity. Can't really say the same about drakes or wyverns though, and I'd suggest that whites be moved to similar classification.

>>54440483
Why is that fae skeleton half your size? How old are you?

Can a brown learn magic? I want to try out some crop raising and farming spells to increase my food storage but the green keeps saying no I can't do that so I must buy food from him while the old wizard guy who lives alone at the stone tower says yes and tells me to buy his tome which is only 1 chest of gold.

>>54444149
>farming
>crop
>Food
Found the Silver dragon Guys

Hey everyone. I'm just a human, but I was BORN on the year of the Dragon. Eastern Zodiac thing. That counts, right?

Can I join, be of assistance, and perhaps snuggle you?

>>54444229
No.

>>54438644
>I like how the combination of all of humanity's primal fears
wut.
They were mostly avatars of Greed and Hubris. At least when they started becoming what we now recognise as dragons

>>54443950
That's not the important question here.

The important question here is why skeletons? As in, what're they doing, roasting it so long that all the flesh burned off? Do they have literally negative culinary skill?

>>54438065

Do the depths of the cosmos have unicorns to pet?

I didn't think so.

Is it possible to demand both the queen and the princess or I have to pick one?

>>54445256
Demand the princess, then later manipulate events so the princess becomes the Queen.

Anyone here into traveling the plains? What's the weirdest thing you've encountered? Road tripping across the universe with a lich friend of mine has been fun

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>>54437799
While I can certainly see why that gets both annoying and infuriating, I can't in good conscience completely object. Since one of the few times it's worked resulted in me.

I can empathize though. Part of the reason I joined a warrior temple was to get away from idiot adventurers and scummy sorcerers and wizards looking to "enhance their bloodlines."

Anyone else ever shapeshift into a female of a humanoid race and break a group of adventurers? Even if you're a male such as myself, I find it quite exhilarating to get face to face with these pitiful races and trick them so easily.

The sheer look on their face as you shift into a mighty dragon after the party has slaughtered themselves is wonderful. The smell of the flesh sloughing off as your corrosive breath turns to acid from the nearby pond, it's quite wonderful.

>>54437531
So, a few decades back, a band of adventuring hooligans broke into my lair, robbed me, and forced me to flee. But I did nail one of them with a very nasty, custom job curse, thought I'd pay at least one of those disgusting mammals back for taking my stuff.

Well, she went along and turned herself into a lich to dodge the curse's effects. And now she's becoming an actual threat, and people are more afraid of her than they are of me! I can't believe this is happening. Did I offend one of those squishy human gods and they cursed me or something?

>>54440413
That's the list of real-life "ingredients" that make up a human being.

>>54445435
No, you're just shit, you had the same amount of time to pursue magic that she did plus you probably knew more before she started towards lichdom, yet you somehow fell behind her, this is all your fault

Bitches don't know 'bout my hoard

>>54445095
The fire also seems to be made of bones so I wonder if it's not some kind of flaming skeleton ghost or something.

>>54444227
Minions gota eat too you fucking Jaragua sphaero.

Hey draganons, Old green here who wants to try something new. Alright, so recently a nearby king finally found out where my lair in the woods was (Only took him 70 damned years) and he sent an entire army in a vain attempt at revenge (Killed his wife on the day of their marriage, oh the look on his face was priceless). So, anyways, I managed to kill all of his damned knights and ate him but now I need to replace all of my minions. He had quite a lot of his kind and they were in relatively decent quality plate so they managed to slaughter all of my lizardmen servants. While I could always just go and get more lizardmen I've grown too reliant on them and would like something else to poke adventurers and bring me cows when I don't feel like getting up. I've tried a few of the mortal races but only lizardmen have impressed me so far. Orks are too damned loud. Kobolds try to talk to you too often and are useless in a fight. Elves are too intelligent and don't appreciate my method of ruling, they make mighty fine assassins though. Humans are meh, dwarves aren't subtle in the slightest, and goblins are slightly less chatty and slightly smarter kobolds. Lizardmen don't talk much, are decently strong, too dumb to attempt to kill me but they know left from right and they know how to sneak around if need be.

TL:DR I need more minions recommend me some

>>54437531
So, a buddy of mine, a Giant, alerted me to this farmer out in the countryside. He doesn't SEEM that tough, but he somehow managed to get his hands on a really powerful sword. Caught me skulking about, and I promised him to give him my treasure if he let me go, at which point I scarpered.

What do you think the odds are of him actually tracking me to my lair to go grab it? You think I should be taking any kind of precautions?

>>54446402
You fool! Never make a promise like that! The gods /love/ holding you to those.

>>54437531
>he ran out screaming like a female.

That was, in fact, a female knight wearing so much armor you couldn't tell the difference.

>>54446426
You're not seriously suggesting I actually go back with a big chunk of my hoard and give it to him, are you?

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>Papa just went on vacation
>Told me to watch his hoard while I'm gone
>Fight off a few adventurers
>Suddenly this bard offers me grilled chicken
>It's delicious
>He tells me he can get more if I let him take a few coins from papa's hoard
>Tells me papa won't even notice they're gone
Wat do?

>>54446291
Ever try making your own? Warforged servants only speak when spoken to and can be built for your every need.

Otherwise I'd recommend Elf servants. Just make sure you convince them that you're trying to protect the forest from outsiders; they love that shtick.

>>54446460
Didn't your papa teach you not to talk to bards?

>>54446460
Eat the chikun, If you're old enough to type you'll either be chased out soon if you're a chromatic or only simply scolded if you're a metallic. Chikun is inexpensive as far as mortal meats go so it should only be around 3 or so coins, you should be good

>>54446460
Eat the bard, protect Papa's hoard, then when he comes back you can grill all the chickens you want.

>>54446460
Did you know bards are made of the same stuff as chickens?

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>>54446460
Well, fellow dragon, it sounds like a deal that's too good to be true! I'd definitely let him take MORE than a few pieces of gold for some delicious grilled chicken. Perhaps you could get the really good stuff if you offer him one of your father's magical treasures?

>>54446583
What kind of self respecting dragon would eat a murderhobo, and a bard to boot?
Do you have any idea of where that bard has been?

>>54446446
Of course not. Just don't expect him to die before he comes back for it.

Fortify yourself. Get more minions.

>>54446495
Never been particularly talented with metals. Always been too busy protecting my domain and operating an assassin cult, takes up a lot of time you know. Especially right now, I'm raising like 20 mortal kids at the moment. Some are dark elves as well so sleep has become a scarcity. I could get some gnomes to make some for me though, I guess that could work. I'll try that out dranon, thanks

>>54446618
Bard detected

>>54446495>>54442120
>elf pet what do

>>54446808
Do I look like I'm pumped full of mind flayer STD's?

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Hay guys, can I post here too?

>>54437740
Oh it's one of (((Them))) dwarves. What are you doing in this thread little one?

>>54437531
I recently had an Elven thief sneak into my chamber looking for my hoard that i carry on me in a hidden manner.
It was fun hanging from the cieling and watching him fumble arround until he turned his head upwards and i just roared at him.
Sad thing shat him self to death and i had to have my Kobolds clean up that mess.
That hall stank for a whole week.

>>54437531
This trope of slaying dragons with spear, blade and shield has become so damn laughable. It was fine when dragons were just horse-sized mean lizards in Christian illustrations, but in modern fantasy they are usually depicted as barn-sized, towering beasts.

Just imagine: Do you feel threatened or at risk by the plastic sword of a He-Man figurine? No? That's how dragons should see human swords, and that's why killing dragons with weapons designed to kill humans is dumb as shit.

>>54438469
A 30% chance to produce a Silver dragon with a skull shape of a red.
A 30% chance to produce a Red dragon with a sukllshape of a silver.

A 30% chance to produce a freak that is either going to be a fairl powerfull dragon with command over elemental air or some twoheaded monstrosity that's dumber than a white drake.

>>54447171
T-There's another 10% missing from that breakdown.

Dare I even ask?

>>54447213
Just your generic reality exploding apocalyptic doom scenario.

>>54447095
>Sad thing shat him self to death and i had to have my Kobolds clean up that mess.
I'm like 80% certain that's an Elven defense mechanism and that he's not actually dead. I'd be careful that an entire group of adventurers doesn't come in and take you off-guard.

One of my wings became torn due to making that very same error.

>>54447213
You don't want to know.

On the other hand mixes of blue and gold dragons always result in lazy uberhybrids that are usually banished into another dimension.
Seems like Bahamut and Tiamat hate the competition.

>>54447016
Fire-flying salamanders aren't true dragons.

>>54447213
You'll know if it happens.

>>54447272
I spend most of my time shapeshifted as a human and run an inn so i just intentionally give them hints for work in another direction.

That and my lair is impossible to acess without flight and is full of boobytraps.

No matter. I made sure that elf ended up scorched into nothing and his bag of holding is also mine now. The clone he kept in it was also pretty tasty.

>>54447213
>5% chance, red dragon with cold breath who is a saint
>5% chance, silver dragon with fire breath who is a complete monster

>>54447305
>t. Ancient red preparing to rape as many young silvers as possible.

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>>54447279

You allow this fucker in as a dragon. How is this even fair? They don't even breath out anything, or fly!

Ugh, fine. Guess I'll have to find a trainer so I can evolve into a "true" dragon. >:(

>>54446460
Cast Geas on the Bard and have him raise chicken for you.

>>54445356
Wait so you enter a martial arts temple that is choke full of men to escape from men...
Well guess them martial artists are at least polite enough and can take a NO.

>>54447279
>On the other hand mixes of blue and gold dragons always result in lazy uberhybrids that are usually banished into another dimension.
Tell me about it. I've been hiding my presence from Bahamut and Tiamat since my birth as every one of my other siblings ended up getting shipped off to a far reaching plane of existence they could never come back from.

They'll get their comeuppance one day soon, I swear it.

>>54447459
Whew... Did Tiamat mastrubate with a Coconut tree and accidentally ended busting a nut resulting in this abomination?

>>54447390
It's not rape if it's a silver.

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>>54440483
{{Enjoy/Rejoice Being Consumed By The *Soulless One*, Or It's *Lords*}} [[Perhaps A Painful Eternity As Their Meat-Slave May Give You Some Perspective, Young One]]

>>54447534
Son it think i told you not to shitpost on this Long owned Dwarven tapestry forum until you grow to be an adult.
Quick, erase your browsing history and switch your location.... That way if you die at least nobody will see your porn preferences.

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>>54437531

Let me tell you a tale mighty dragon.

Long ago in the future, far away, just past the entrance of your cave, there was a race of highly trained combat clowns known as the Italian Army.

During the Battle of France, the French Army was in a terrible state. Their baguettes had gone stale, the frog legs were running low and there wasn't a whiff of garlic to be seen.

Truly it was dark times.

Seeing the pitiful state of French morale, the brave souls of the Italian Cosseria dance troupe decided to do 5000 man tango through Pont-Saint Louis to brighten their spirits.

For 10 whole days, they danced for the entitlement of 9 disheartened French soldiers. Although they suffered 800 casualties in this once in a lifetime performance, they achieved their goal.

The 9 French soldiers gave a rounding applause, before leaving to join their comrades in the happy, fun time camps for the rest of the Italian concert tour of Europe.

All in all, this wholesome fun saw 6'000 gallant performers suffer boo-boos, whilst 250 audience members fainted from the excitement.

Sauce: http://www.lesaviezvous.net/history/in-1940-9-french-soldiers-fought-5000-italian-soldiers-for-a-week.html

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>>54447500
Well it is a temple of Bahamut. The Monks, Warpriests, and Paladins that train there are a very disciplined and upright sort.

>>54447604
That guy being impaled through the face gives absolutely no fucks.

>>54447545
one of Tiamat's favoured wizards polymorphed himself into a palm tree during the act.
Fucking wizards, I swear they have absolutely no sense of decency.

>>54443079
> dat noble greeting to the winter sun
> dat serene grandeur
WTF I love white dragons now.

Human Lord here. I have a cowardly son who is a piece of shit living like a glutton. Do any of you fine dragons want to come scare him? He will be travelling cross country tomorrow in his private coach to go lay whores in a nearby village. Don't care if everyone in his carriage dies, just scare him into being more manly.

Though I wouldn't mind him having some injuries to toughen him up.

>>54447976
Are you sure he's your son?

Do a blood test with your bard first to make sure.

>>54446291
This is going to sound crazy but: fae. You hang out in a forest, right? Just position yourself as some environmentalist wack-job and bam, instant invisible army.

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Look guys, I know I've been harping on about this since the beginning of eternity and all, but would you all just consider finally giving up and becoming mindless slaves to us Aboleths?

We've got:
>Perfect generational memory
>Immortal bodies
>The best magic
>All the bitches

You get good pay, you'll be bred often because immortal slaves are super useful, and you'll be free to snack on mortal slaves as much as you want. Really, there's no downside. Who wouldn't want to be enslaved by an Aboleth as great as me? I'm pretty much the best creature ever to live.

PS. Fuck Titans. Overrated trash.

>>54447976
What do you think this is, some sort of charity?

>>54437820
>>54437820
>>54443079

White Dragons are literally the dumbest race of Dragons.

>Silver Dragon Master Race™

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>>54448014
>Aboleths
>not superior Dragon-Aboleth Hybrid
Nigguh, do you have any idea how many spectrums of magic, psionics, and light I can fuckin see in? And that's just one of the passive benefits. I now make a living of turning bothshitty aboleths like you, wizards, and some other dragons into cocksleeves, and I have possibly one of the largest state religions on my planet worshipping me, and the only reason why I don't force-convert the whole planet is because I'm lazy as fuck.

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>>54448014
Sorry I didn't catch that, can you come up here on land and repeat that? Surely the rightful inheritors of the multiverse can walk on land?

>>54448294
>Diluting Aboleth perfection with young race blood
Fucking disgusting. I don't know about the rest of you but I'm not a kiddie-diddler. You dragons might think you're hot shit but I was enslaving worlds while your ancestors were still in diapers.

And you half dragons get, what? Some scales and a shitty memory? Sorry you got a rough deal kid. We got a special ritual for your kind, sends 'em to the Far Realm. It'll burn that dragon filth out or kill you, one of the two. When I was young we walked both ways through the realms of madness every morning whether it was raining blood or not! We knew the value of an eternity of madness in those days!

Seriously. People conquer one world and think they're hot shit. Try invading the heavens sometime, it'll teach you some discipline!

>>54448395
Walk like some stupid human? Please. When we come it'll be in a city. A FLYING city! And I will use it as my throne. Kings do not walk!

>>54448458
>king
>more easily killed by Adventurers than most dragons
Calm down granpa, you forgot to take your medication again. Time to take you back to the Sanitarium

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>be dating an eastern dragoness
>eventually, she suggests we stop fooling around and get things settled
>go to meet her dad, as apparently I pretty much have to since easterns are highly patriarchal and maintain family connection after adulthood
>he gives me murderous looks non-stop, his face creeps me out with his whiskers and blank eyes
>says I stink and look unclean
>hates the color and texture of my scales, insinuates that I'm overweight
>keeps pinching and prodding me like he's inspecting a piece of meat, his grip is a lot stronger than you'd guess
>thinks my wings are cumbersome and flimsy
>questions my magical and intellectual capabilities
>says he wants to check the validity of my entire bloodline

What is his problem? Are they all like this? Will it get worse?

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Hi Guys!

It's great to be around other Dragons

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>>54448542
Oh please. They probably kill some five millenia old spawnling, tops. Those guys don't even have any spellcasting ability most of the time. It isn't THAT hard to take a few levels of wizard. Or a lot. You just have to figure out how to wiggle your tentacles from the mortals you capture. They're cute when they try to imitate tentacles.

That said I refuse to go back to the sovereignty and you can't make me! It's nothing but boring old people there. I mean, sure, it's fun playing D&D with real enslaved adventurers and captured monsters for a few millenia, but then you go, "oh, how about we try something other than D&D for once" and they just look at you like a pack of assholes. I've got a dragonnet connection and I'm gonna spend MY eternity shitposting!

>>54448543
Just subtly and silently remind him that every one of your ancestors and kin were born how they are in their grandeur, while some of his might just be some Carp that managed to jump up a waterfall...

>>54448660
You're lucky Tiamat itself is vouching for you, otherwise you wouldn't be allowed on here. As it is, you should have remained anon, you tree diddling fagot, tits or GTFO.

>>54447976
I'd be willing to do it, for a price though, I want a seat in your human court. I promise the other humans won't even know I'm there. How injured are we talking, I'm assuming you don't want permanent damage, but a nice scaring WOULD serve as a reminder of the day.

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>>54448014
Who invited the calamari?

>>54448950

am a Tree anon

how would I have Tits?

also your just mad you don't have psychic powers

So glad to scry /dtg/ once more. Happy this pops up every few decades.

>>54449082
Nobody. I just ate a white dragon and kept around a few hatchlings as slaves with perfectly legal connections.

Seriously, you guys need to reconsider letting them into the club. They're stupid as shit. Want to get around any dragonnet ban? Just tell a white dragon you'll give it some "free treasure". It won't even care it's covered in mind controlling slime. Or accompanied by mind control spells. Or that you're carrying a very large rock above your head. If they ask about it you just say it's your "second head that I hated so much it turned to stone". They will 100% legit believe it.

>>54449189
I've met cockatrices smarter than that.

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Ah shit! I so wanna fuck a human!

Let's fly down to the city and catch one!

>>54449189
To be fair, old white dragons can be pretty bro tier. One's territory used to border the northern edge of my forest, we were cool since I fucking hated the cold and he was content with what he had in his old age. They shit out kids too, like ridiculous amount. Thing is, if you befriend their dad they'll be at least somewhat willing to follow your command, they make for fine guard dogs and buffers to stand between you and that nasty red from the south (Seriously fuck you Tianomar stay away from my Elven puppet state already). Poor old white's on his last legs and since he doesn't trust his descendants to not blow the money like the idiots they are he's given me some hints that I can up and take it when I want. Free bodyguards and free gold, whites are alright in my book
>>54448009
Not enough of them. I've tried in the past but there just isn't enough to cover my whole domain. They protect the eastern forest but that's about as far as they can go. Honestly I've found Trents to be more useful as far as endangered loraxes go

>>54449420
>If you aren't a fan of warforged maybe try breeding or magically engineering a servant race?

>>54448950
>tits or gtfo
What are you, some kind of disgusting Dragonborn?

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>>54449333

What the fuck is wrong with you? First off, I'm sorry, but bestiality is just absolutely disgusting in my book. Getting old and jaded with pussy from your own species is no excuse. Second off, humans are too young and stupid to knowingly give consent. It's effectively statutory rape if you shag one. Good luck explaining to the judge that 'they looked over a century.'

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>>54449809
Finally one of you shows some sense. I wish you'd all reconsider my advice and actually write into law that getting frisky with anyone younger than the continent they live on should be a crime.

>>54439737
It's poisonous fangs, my winged fellow. It makes them unable to clog wounds from our bites, so we can take time before getting to them.
Bacterias in saliva is just a bonus.

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Hi guys, what's going on?

>>54449995
This guy have some good point. I know i'm not an authorytiy beeing half-wyvern half-black dragon, but dad's zoofilia is just embarasing. My youngest sister is half-hamster. HAMSTER!

>>54449031
Scarring would be fine. I can give you a seat if you can take a human guise... if you agree not to aid in leading my kingdom to undue harm. Of course all members if my court take a magic binding oath, should you break that oath you will lose your seat.

Scar him where he will remember it. I have a nice brow to cheek scar from the great Clam Wars, fought along side the great knight Olwon Kenbi. It has served me well and built character.

>>54447872
Did he die ?

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>>54450109
I remember when we made hamsters. I said to Wally, my Son, I said, "watch this, I'll make something useless that can survive on land." And then Wally was all like, "I'll show you, old man," made something called "Eelves" and thought he won the contest 'cuz those guys were worthless as shit. But then those Eelves spawned gods and then they smote Wally, so they were good for something after all! The hamster was the most useless, I won! In your long-decayed-to-dust face, Wally!

My condolences on your brother being a horrific freak of nature resulting from an eons old pissing contest, by the way. Also yourself. And everyone else.

>>54449809
Just gently light the judge on fire and he'll understand.

>>54448543
What, didn't you know? To marry an easterner you have to earn the father's respect, and to do that you have to beat him at either kung fu or Starcraft 2.

>>54450263
You would be surprised what those Gnomes can do with Giant Space Hamsters.

>>54450367
> afraid of some scrawny wing less hairy eastern SNAKE
Drakelets: When will they learn?

>>54450625
Not at all! They were a result of the contest to "turn something previously useless you made on land into something useful - in SPACE!"

Wally the VIII made Space Eelves, since he was too young to have a race of his own. I'm afraid he failed to make them very useful, but it's fun to watch the kids try! I devoured him after he failed, of course, but gave him a chance to have kids of his own first so they could remember his failure and pain.

After that we made miniature giant space hamsters in our, "turn something useless you made useful into something useless again" contest.

Contests are a great way to pass eternity, by the way. You dragons should have more of them. Create mortal races! Enslave them, make them fight, breed the best bloodlines, store them in little floaty balls you wear around your waist on a belt. It's great fun!

>>54450693
>After that we made miniature giant space hamsters in our, "turn something useless you made useful into something useless again" contest.
i am not entirely sure it went the way you liked. If I were you, I would get some eye protection, in case you'll hear of bald guy with face-paint, big sword, and a miniature giant space hamster coming near your lair. I think they used to hang out with that one Bhaalspawn, back in the day, got turned into stone, came back, and killed an elf dragon-cultist that somehow managed to turn into a dragon. The hamster apparently had big role in his demise.

>>54450900
Well you see, Beholders are serious assholes. They think they're all the shit. So when I made them useless again I did leave the preference for attacking eyes. That way some old beholder goes looking around, sees what looks like a useless hamster and lets their guard down. Then POW! No more eyes!

Also they can still survive in space, they're just tiny. If you want to know if you've got a normal hamster or a miniature giant space hamster you just need to expose them to vacuum and very high and low temperatures for an hour or two. A genuine miniature giant space hamster will survive and express a preference for beholder eyes over other eyes in their diet. Normal ones will die horribly.

Sadly you're right, I did lose that contest. "Miniature Giant Space Eelves" died out very fast, they were indeed useless. Sam the VIIIth's line is a line of winners.

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Black Dragon here, need help
>Dragonborn inside my swamp
>They want to be my minions
>A black, red and copper
>Everytime they see my they beg to work for me
>Work means pay
>I don't want to pay them
Pic related, it's a drawing of one of them
Wat do?

>>54451399
Just start a cult. That way they work for free and pay YOU tithes.

>>54451425
They do look like they are priests. All in robes and carry daggers except for the red, he's got a greatsword.

>>54451504
Sounds like good cult material to me.

>>54451518
Well alright, but how will they get inside my lair? You need to go underwater for a while and every other species drowns.

>>54451573
Look, I'm an ocean guy and not a swamp guy, right? But the same principles apply. You let the cultists have some stupid building on the surface for themselves. You just have them build one big room where you can show up to look cool and collect your tax- er, tithes. If you've got some deep water you can teach them some spells for water breathing and then set up a few bubbles of air for them long-term. Caves work well but you can make some underground buildings too. These are great for storing sacrifices, new slaves, pesky adventurers, foreign priests and diplomats.

Mostly you just stick to remote communication. I use telepathy but you can probably use some spells for the same effect. Cults are pretty low maintenance if you get a good high priest.

Song Dragon again.

Welp, it happened. Just minding my own business, wallowing in the abject perfection that is a balmy sunny day with a light breeze... when some twerp in robes rolls in. Blah blah blah bloodlines. Blah blah blah the power of the dragons. Blah blah blah anal on the first date.

After batting the little pervert over the treeline, I've eaten about thirteen bales of hay and I'm gonna go scarf down a few dozen bullywugs. Then it's off to the local castle for a little intestinal retribution!

Should I post blockprints for proof?

>>54451664
I'll have them build a chapel they can live in then. Thanks for the advice!

>>54439952
Um what kind of birds did he have? This is of utmost importance it could have been the GREAT WURM himself!

>>54451725
Please do

Hey Dragon /tg/, it's been a long time since I last came here. Some of you might remember my problem. I'm the halfbreed. You know the one, Mother was Silver, Father was Adamantine and out of the egg came me.

I've been pretty lonesome in these caverns all 1,000 years I've been gone. No adventurers, no thieves. I feel a yearning to put my splendorous horde on display for the public. I know that there is an Inn at the foot of my mountain and the locals are nice enough to sing songs about the purity of my scales even though I'm a crossbreed.

I'm wondering what you guys think about ending my self-induced exile for the contemplation of Bahamut and spending time among the small fiefdom formed around me. I can easily pass for a storyteller as I have in the past and it'd sure be nice to get news of the world from these last thousand years. I've kept my tapestries in pristine condition, my coin horde is carefully coating in ice to shimmer like the stars at night, fine sculptures and tomes remain untouched by any others but myself. I'm considering that in my older age that it is long overdue to find a mate as well.

So what should I do? Find a nice dragoness who wouldn't mind a halfbreed? Journey among the mortals for a time? I'm at a stalemate in my mind.

Is there any merit in wearing an armor? Just the other day I saw some armored pegasus and thought it's cool. I think I can do a commission at the local dwarf blacksmith.

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>>54447976
{{HOW}} [[Do Would You Feel About Us/Ours/Mine]] ^^Turning Him Into A Void Dragon/*Kin* Like Ourselves^^??

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>>54448014
{{Begone Aboleth/Dark-Spawn}} ##Your *Kind* Are Filth## %%Not Even Worthy As A Meal/*Sweet Life*%%

>>54437531
The other decade, I plundered this dwarf city, great fun, even snagged a couple of major artifacts out of it. But now I've heard that one of the survivors, despite being a cowardly two legged weakling, has forged a magical sword. This one isn't designed to kill dragons in general, oh no, he's got it keyed to kill me in specific.

Seriously, why do these mortals get so upset about things?

>>54453401
Terrible idea unless you've stopped growing.

>>54453534
>Stopped growing
What are you, a drake?

>>54453551
thatsthejoke.prl

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>>54453492
Ever-shifting chaos, this is exactly why I left the far realm. "You're filth", this, and "*%%" that. Learn common already! It isn't that hard!

And to settle the record once and for all, Aboleths are NOT nerds and that isn't why we left. We just didn't want to deal with jerks like you wiggling your stupid jock claws in our direction! Psionics is the future! Brute force is for tools!

>>54452909
Live with the mortals for a while

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>>54453612
//Your Insecurity Is Hilarious *Dark-Spawn*// @@No Wonder Our *Kin* Found You To Be Such Wonderful *Amusements*@@

>>54453655
Thats what I've been leaning towards. I'm considering just going with the classic old blindman who is absurdly versed and dispersing old stories among the mortals. I hear that their sovereign is elected in this area, maybe I could back them and play politics? That doesn't feel very fun though.

Even then, I'm still longing for more draconic companionship for a change. Tell me Dranon, what are the chances of finding a suitable mate while living among the mortals for, say a decade or two?

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>>54453702
I think you'll find in the mortal realms our devotion to strategy and knowledge tips things in our favor, chum. We'll see who gets locked inside the pits of despair this time!

Just try and say that to my face if you think you're spawn enough. Oh wait, I'm behind seven mind controlled dragons. Good luck.

>>54453739
Well it's possible but most of my experience with humans is "We're here to kill the swamp beast" followed by having to pry open knights but I'm sure it's possible. Being a blind old man might dent your chances a smidge though.

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>>54452909

First off, don't be beta. Truth is, lady dragons love assholes. Wanna know why Reds get so much puss? It isn't just because they're chronic rapists. Nice, gentle dragons with well-maintained hoards, who will cherish them for millenia, get ignored while HUGE HORNS MCRAPELIZARD will steal her heart.

Lady dragons are nothing but savages and sluts, who want to be dominated by Chromatic dragons.

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>>54453766
^^We Devoured Stars Long Before You Rose Up From the Shadows *Dark-Spawn*/Vile One^^ $$Your Shattered Husks/*Lightless Shells* Mean Nothing To Us$$

>>54453943
You know perfectly well that linear time doesn't apply in the far realms. I was old when you were first spawned, and you were old when I was first spawned. You just ended up a lot... bigger. Not smarter!

>>54452909
Fuck off you racially degenerate mongrel.
Go shag up a snake, a half dead kobold or some such thing that suits your station.

>>54454024
I could just Greater Wish you from existence, history and memory too...

>>54453851
I'm tired of one century bonefests though. I feel like I'm ready to actually settle down with a life mate. I can have sex any time I want, but that doesn't make a mate. That usually just makes a clingy, gibbering mess that wont leave me alone for more than a few hours at a time.

>>54454099
Or you cold just wish you weren't born a filthy mutt.

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>>54453986
((Atleast We/Ours Did Not Waste All Our Time/*Essence* Upon The Pursuit Of Knowledge And Conquest And Instead Dedicated Ourselves To The Finer Arts))

>>54437740
>>54447171
>>54448228
go back to /pol/, some of us have friends who are white dragons

>>54454157
Scale hardness and roar like Father, coloring and magic like Mother...

Nah, I'm doing pretty good on that front.

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>>54454154

You're shit out of luck, then. Only Chad dragons with their own kingdoms get to find a dragoness willing to settle down and have kids.

Don't fall into their claws, anon, they'll just betray you.

>>54453820
It seems that these lands are some strange alliance. Off to the east are some shit-tier mountains that are just infested with Dwarfs. They seem to be trading pretty heavily with the humans and halflings that inhabit the area. I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with any Elves, sans those odd times that some drow crawl their way up from the underdark. The silks that I've procured from those trespassers have been piling up and I could really use a few new tapestries along the west cavern. Quite a few dozen blank spots that I've been pondering how to fill.

The humans seem docile enough, more inclined to farm and homestead. I don't collect any offerings or tribute, though I do catch them spying on my dwellings entry when I come and go for hunting.

Maybe instead of a blind storyteller I could more easily pass as an eccentric merchant? These people are VERY invested in their economy after all.

>>54454291
Well I do still have a pretty large network of merchant companies that owe me patronage as well as all of their internal and under the table assets as well. It'd be a simple matter to tug just the smallest strings and my will be done. Not very fun though, just a tad too easy for my tastes.

>>54454313

Dwarves in the east mountains? Describe your location some more, hapa-anon, we may live close together.

>>54454313
Merchant with strange silks whose actually a dragon looking for love. Sounds like a midnight novel to be read while drinking wine and eating lightly roasted lamb. Lovely.

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>>54454204
Yeah, yeah. %% it up all you want, but you and I both know your idea of the "finer arts" means putting a few more spinal columns and eyes on mortal creatures. And what's with all the mouths? Having more than one doesn't help you with anything. Don't even get me started with all the "fine art" that just looks like mortal genitalia made out of bones.

True art is in the long and sensuous body of the Aboleth! None are more graceful or fine. Everything should really just look like us - well, me, really. What art could be finer than that? Perfect form, perfect mind, nothing superfluous or dumb, covered in a glistening coat of slime - honestly. You lot wouldn't know good taste if it psionically mind controlled someone to smack you in the face with it.

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Would any of you mind contributing a blood sample for a little project of mine?

If this works, the elixir I develop should increase breath weapon potency by a whopping 17%!

>>54454223
Sure, if you plan on spending tour days ineracting with worthless creatures that can't resist a tiny bit of magic, which is quite frankly the only thing a mixed pile of trash like yourself is fit to do.

>>54454357
Oh I'm in the Warlyn Mountains. That whole range is my domain. I know it is odd to be so close to the desert and surrounded by such sparse woodlands, but it's a nice change of pace. The Sheared Hills are the mountains to the east where the Dwarfs are taking residence and in the steppe, plain and woodlands between is the range of that little hidden nation.

>>54454373
Blame my fondness of the mortals romanticism. I am a fool for a compelling tale.

>>54452909
Your problem isn't that you're a half-breed, it's that you're half-brained! Shut that stupid whiny part of you up and go burn down a village already! Just start a hoard over their burning corpses. Act like a dragon instead of some angsty human kid.

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>>54451953

Nearly took a ballista bolt to the soft scales, but I have voiced my displeasure. Please see woodcut for details. I'm new to drawing poo, plz no bully

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>>54454614
>burn down a village

His parents are Metallic, they don't do that.

>>54454653
Well they should. Those bleeding heart mortal lovers are ruining dragons.

>>54454570
Not saying I hate it, opposite of that honestly. I love the idea and hope you go through with it.

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>>54454430
^^Your Forms/*Frames* Are Generic And Simple, Completely Incapable Of Most Tasks^^ ==This is Why You Need Min-Slaves To Do Your Work For You== &&You Are Too Weak Physically To Deal With Matters Personally, Unlike The Ones You Claim Superiority/Supremacy/Dominion Over&&

>>54454614
Chromatic plz...

>>54454653
I will admit though the idea of running a kingdom is incredibly tempting... Not really interested in terrorizing villages or the likes of that nonsense. That sort of behavior could ruin those economies that I've been playing secret benefactor of.

>>54454676
I'm not above terrorizing Elves, well okay the only ones that ever bother me are Drow and those skanks are asking for it.

Ever murderfuck their Priestesses and Matriarch in front of the Matriarchs court? That earned me a whole 700 years of peace and quiet.

>>54454679
I suspect that I will, Dranon. I suspect that I will.

>>54454629
Very nice

>>54454501
Dralchmemist here, since you're obviously not a dragon, you really shouldn't be working on a potion of enhance breath weapon, it is very dangerous, speaking from experience.

>>54437531
OP here, I lied totally, this is what really happened

>Go to fight knight
>Get nervous
>Get gassy when I am nervous
>Try to fart
>Accidentally shit myself
>Knight starts laughing
>Start crying and shaking
>Shake so hard that spaghetti falls out of scales
>Don't want to fly away because everyone will see me
>Start burrowing into the ground
>Knight sees my weak spot
>Shoots me right in the ass
>Burst into treats

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>>54440413
In Fullmetal Alchemist, that's the list of materials needed to create a human body, as understood by two young boys trying to bring their mother back to life. It goes about as well as you'd expect a couple of preteens playing god to go.

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>>54455096
Knightposters, when will you learn?

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>>54455067
What could go wrong?

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>>54455644
-1 or more dragons/buildings I guess.

>>54455644
So many things it's not even funny. Aside from catastrophic explosions which are common place in alchemy (investment in explosion wards helps a lot with this) the vapors alone could turn yourself into a mutated freak, give you a breath weapon which you are not immune to, or make your brain explode through neural overload. That's not even the effects of the elixir itself.

I am old and tired. But my first born has come back to challenge me for my horde. I could probably fight her off, but I think I'll just give her my horde.

But how should I "fight" her? What kind of grandiose spectacle should I make for the small folk to marvel and cower at?

Also what do you do when the primogenitor of pegasi wants to come over on the same day, he's unlikely to not help me and he can channel energy like damn near no else can.

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Need dragon advice.

Dragon has been repeatedly attacking human settlement. Humans cannot drive off, hire wizard to solve problem. Wizard creates myself, Golem. When dragon next approaches, I successfully repel attack. The people are happy, it is good.

Dragon returns, seeks me out. We fight, I win again. Dragon yells very rude things at me, and leaves. This repeats several times.

Recently, dragon has instead watched me from outside limits of settlement. Does not attack, but will attempt to engage in conversation. Seems to be attempting to persuade me to leave with her. Occasionally shows appreciation for my construction, occasionally offers to polish my gold segments. Dragon appears to become somewhat frantic when questioned about her recent actions.

How is situation best resolved?

>>54456052
You're in a very bad situation, when female dragons get like this it is bad news, I personally don't know how to deal with this situation without it ending in a less than desirable situation, but someone else here might.

>>54456052
what color is she?

>>54456052
Get your wizdad to build you a golden detachable dick, you're going to need it

>>54456187
Dragon is primarily red.

>>54456210
Wizard left the settlement immediately after my first successful skirmish with dragon, I cannot follow while my duty here remains unfulfilled.

>>54456664
Next time the dragon interacts with you, perhaps instruct her to find the wizard and negotiate with them?

>>54451399
You could allow them a cut of what they can nick off the people they kill, they would probably generate you more revenue than if you didn't employ them because they would be insensitived to raid more land than would be worth your time and effort

>>54439952
>consulting an old man with seven birds

>>54456664
>Primarily
What other colours

GUYS I CANT STOP EATING HALFLINGS!!! WHAT IS A BETTER SUBSTITUTE I AM BEGINNING TO GROW A BELLY????

>>54437531
hey, guys, any idea for how to improve the morale of my minions? I mean, I run a tribe of kobolds, and lately it seems their insanity just isn't cutting it to keep them willing to fight.

Might be my fault because I've encouraged their gadgeteering nature and since they've worked out their creativity and now can engage enemies with relative safety and reliability, their courage collapses the second either one is compromised.

Normally, I'd use the 'beatings will improve until morale continues' but they've taken some losses and I'm not sure we can afford the cost of the beatings.

Should I start looking into some legitimate enforcer henchmen like Dragonborn?

>>54458529
Read the /fit/ sticky you fat piece of shit. Alternatively, polymorph into a slimmer version of yourself whenever you need to get off your fat ass. Or go hunt some centaurs, they'll always make you chase them down, although you have to be careful not to run them too hard else they taste a bit bitter.

>>54458591
As always, outside blood is a great thing for your herd, hybrid vigour and all that. If you've got any friendly dragons whose minions don't have your problems, hit them up for an exchange-market your vermin's cunning nature and downplay their morale issues, obviously, no need to be as pig-headedly honest as a gold if you're a gold, replace gold with red and pretend you never read anything else.

Your minions are, however, still going to be kobolds, and barring that one sorceror a few generations back who could cast a bastardised version of mass levitate, i've never known them to be worth more than a few seconds worth of distractions against any decent adventurers.

Dragonborn have potential, but they have their risks-the mutts are too prideful, and if you help them too much in their development they have the potential to be a threat to weak dragons, like our fat friend above. Get yourself some sort of third-party geas if you go down that route, just for insurance-nothing is as satisfying as watching them try futilely to dispel a geas with your talon clippings when you're not the caster. If you can cultivate some sort of cult after a generation or two, thats good, but the first generation are always going to have the risk of rebellion. Sneak some infants away from their spawner and raise them, if you can-it won't dispel the risk of them turning on you, but its the best substitute until you can get a functional, self-policing cult

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>>54458529
You mean to tell me your breath weapon doesn't burn calories?

Odd, that. Pic unrelated.

>All these dragons

I don't have enough smites to go around.

>>54458719

> Kobolds not a threat.

That's where you're wrong, whelpo.

https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/93582/d-d-tuckers-kobolds

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>>54458901
Why smite any winged reptile you see? You can tame the dumber ones. Lesser drakes, wyverns, things like that.

The smarter ones might let you ride them into battle, too, but only if you're a very close and respected friend and they're not hungry.

>>54455096
Pride still wounded Sir Knight?
Don't feel too bad, I am keeping the horse nice and safe while you heal up your ego. Feel free to come back for it at any time, I would just ask that you do so in a polite fashion.

A question though; why did you want to defeat me anyway?

I can't be the only one who spends a while in a human settlement right? I'm no Silver, but even so it's oddly enjoyable and I'm starting to understand why they choose to live near/in human settlements

The food and drink they've created is fantastic, I know a place that takes honey from bee hives, mixes it with vanilla, mint, and the tiniest drop of cockatrice poison, then cooks the mix to a boiling temperature and freezes the end result. Gets this strange tasting treat that's unlike anything I've had before it

>>54438469
Which color is the mother?

Kids will be the color of the mother and you can expect both parties to stick around long enough to raise them, but the red will consider themselves the pants-wearers of the relationship.

...how did this happen exactly?

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>>54447459
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dracaena_cinnabari

>Socotra dragon tree or dragon blood tree

>>54440179
There isn't one. Gryphons are small time compared to us, a fucking human would have a better shot.

>>54440483
I don't go out of my way to, but once in a while I am served a drink with a green fairy in it, and they go down easy.

>>54458719
Duly noted, thank you for your advice.

>>54458944
Well, yes, what's made my kobolds so fierce is that they are quite tactically inclined, unconventional, and looking over my own little collections and upkeepings on modern technology; they are on par with or surpass many dwarven and goblin kingdoms.

But I fear our victories have dulled them.

They've lost the enthusiastic madness that lets them fight with missing limbs or eat a bunch of black powder and swallow a torch as they drop on adventurers. They've become so used to the ideas of strategy and victory, they easily lose heart when they feel things are not going as they should.

I am going to try what the above dragon suggested and work out some trades with other friendly dragons, possibly also look into morale-boosting enforcer ranks for my followers.

I suppose if push comes to shove, I'll just need to regulate my kobolds to non-combat duties and find something else to fill in.

>>54458901
>He can't smite all of us

I didn't realize paladins had become so... Diminished.

Tell you what, after you burn up your first smite on me, I'll let you get your refractory period in and give it another go.

>>54458983
Sorry, buddy, personal policy is that I don't let mortals ride me. And I only ride one mortal.

>>54446402
Oh wow you are fucked dude.

You need to fulfill your bargain but in a dickass way, read up on some methods the leprechauns use. Alternatively, you can fuck him and say that's your treasure or some bullshit, but you should know not to promise shit like that.

We are beings of magic, and words have power. Even if you run, fate will find a way, especially when other forces are probably at work already thanks to the sword.

Alternatively, a small chest of gold should last him his lifetime, non wizard humans live to be what, thirty years old or so?

Damn orcs tried to raid my hoard and now I'm shitting for hours, I'm never eating goblinoids again

>>54442120
Dwarfs are great pets, just let them think your hoard is theirs. They'll defend it with their life and they are pretty tough.
Also they can make any cave into a subterran castle and if you give them some freedom and a bit of iron they trade their swords and axes and what-you-call-it and expand your hoard!
I've got a colony 250 years ago and my hoard has never looked prettier.

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Fem draganon here.

My hubby (pic related) keeps going on adventures with his stupid friend. When I ask him to stop and be with me, he always has excuses. I think he might be cheating on me with another dragon.

How can I know? help pls ;_;

Hey dudes, Bahamut here. Just poppin' in to let you all know it's totally uncool to murder an entire village of people for not offering you a ritualistic sacrifice every month. Any of you guys doin' that need to just chill out, man.

Killin' for fun is also no good, so don't do that either.

If you guys keep doing this, I'm going to have to, like, get my Paladin's to smite any of you bad eggs, but I don't want to be 'that guy', man, so cut it out and stop being assholes.

Oh, and also, I know it was you Tiamat that left an entire temple of my worshipers stuck in a volcano. Cut that shit out, you bitch.

>>54459550
>Partner is a literal fucking Donkey.
How the fuck can I not find a nice fem-dragon when that stupid looking piece of shit can get laid easy?

>>54458944
>humie memes
As states, the more comfortable and regimented your 'bolds get, the worse they collapse when something goes wrong
>>54459301
The other option is to change the morale from beatings into actually investing into their welfare to the point where they get fanatical from choice, but you have to tread an incredibly fine line between being skinny starved mutts and fat, indolent twits-like you have at the moment
>>54459573
Lose some weight fatty

>>54459550
Cloaca or gtfo.

Okay so update on this >>54451399
Turns out they're actually cultists so that's neat, planning on slowly growing it so that I don't need to go outside. They've got a large camp and have made an idol of me to worship, they're also planning on attacking the next caravan that comes through here. Wish me luck.

>>54459214
Well, yes, but not exactly for leisure. I've been infiltrating my mate's old kingdom and am setting up for our daughter to come in and take the throne later down the line.

FYI: king Alistair is apparently a fucking asshole to his people. No wonder it was easy to win over both his daughters and his fucking wife. How the hell can one half elf be such a massive prick?

>>54459383
Greens must be eaten with greens, you fool! You eat goblinoids with vegetables.

>>54459550
>Fucking a non sapient, dumb, beast of burden
I think you have bigger problems.

>>54459554
I will tell you what I told Tiamat: piss off.

You are an irrelevant relic of a shameful beginning, and our children have surpassed you. Let each dragon be their own god!

>>54459734
Good luck, and be careful with cults, they can be a real handful from what I've heard.

>>54450228
he's just sleeping

Silver dragon here, i just hit 80 years old and all i want to do is fuck and kill everything, i flew from my cave and burned a village to the ground and i don't know why.
I wish my mom and dad didn't fuck off before i was born so they could explain why i'm so fucking angry all the time.

>>54448543
Just show him your medical diploma and be done with it.
They drool over medicine like nothing else.

Suggest giving him plastic surgery for him to grow wings.
They all pretend to hate us winged folk but buy every single product that lets them imitate the look of our scales, snouts or wings.

Oh and don't forget to move away from that family so if they ever visit it is going to be rare.
And for the love of IO don't allow them to buy property anywhere near you or they will fuck the market and create a recession driving down your profits from taxes.

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Fucking human kids! I'm just sleeping and minding my own business but then these "teenagers" start spraying paint at me! They didn't even paint anything good, just some shitty drawings and rude words! I already made sure they are under house arrest but I have no idea how to clean their drawings off me, please help

>>54460121
Could take a lava bath or acid bath if you're the appropriate type.

If not, you need some help.

>>54459734
Look I know everybody thinks cults are the solution for solving all your minion troubles, but let me tell you this is just a passing fad that won't last a century. All you hear about are the good sides: undying loyalty, unbreakable morale, mindless obedience without actually being mindless... You hear a lot less about the other side of the coin. For instance nobody seems to mention that cults need basically constant oversight, because they tend to go off the trail and become something weird. Or that the theological needs of a cult need a bit more from the master than throwing a pile of gold at mercenaries.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the relation between a Dragon and their Minions is a complex topic, and the problems in it have existed since the first wyrms deigned to grace mortals with their overlordship. If there was a simple solution, don't you think some wise dragon would have already found it aeons ago?

>>54440531
>werecow

Where you from, wyrm ?
Place sounds awesome.

STEEL dragon here.

>So a few years ago after i reached full adulthood i decided to leave the book hoarding behind for a few centuries and focus on propagating as IO would want.

>Problem is i was a bit too sucessful and managed to bag the following: A young adult Red dragoness, an adult Green dragoness, an adult Sun dragoness, some Long milf that still looks like she just trasformed from a serpent, an adult Copper dragoness and found a young Silver dragoness that i'm grooming into a bride for when she becomes a young adult.

>Problem is that their family has started to bother me... Like all their younger siblings are either razing the countryside, starting crusades or some money grubbing schemes arround my city.

>Should i just planeshift the whole city with my women and human minions somewhere else?

Just woke up from a millennia long nap. Last thing I remember was that some wars were breaking out between the Humans, Elves, Dwarves etc. and their Dragon overlords.

What happened with that? Did you faggots wipe out one of those races from existence?

>>54460221
Well you see there's only so many mortals we can kill at the same time...

>>54460221
>What happened with that? Did you faggots wipe out one of those races from existence?

Nah. Elves are to apt at magic which allows them to escape or ward of their settlements.

Humans breed too fast and produce too many experts too quickly.

Dwarves hide below ground and nobody would spend a century diging just to kill a few of them that escaped.

Orcs...they are usefull servants when you need things trashed.

And in the end there's allways a goodie-two-shoes dragon that will save them into his demimplane before returning them when the time is ripe.

Hey fellas, giant here, there's a faggot green dragon that keeps talking shit about me. What's the best way to off him?

>>54438469
>when a silver dragon impregnates a red
>>54459223
>impregnates a red

White dragon detected.

>>54459223
>>54460363
If you can't beat your enemy, fuck them.

>>54460159
I understand that, thank you for telling me. I'm planning on writing incredibly rigid rules so that at the very least they give me gold and obey my orders.

>>54460356
I hear Greens are super weak to poison. Try that, Giant-bro.

>>54460356
Cover yourself in stench filled oil and I'm talking really good oil then cover yourself in leaves and then lay down. He won't see you and assume theres a curse on the mountain or wherever you're kind live.

>>54460466
Coolio, I'll slather that shit on the next rock I throw at the fucker

>>54460481
>throwing stones
Making slings is not that hard

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Silvergirl here, are there even ANY men looking for a long-lasting relationship?? Preferably under 500 years... Been roaming the realms for AGES (not literally lol) but it always seems like when i meet a handsome guy he either thinks I'm tryna rival his territry or he asks me about my "riches"??? I don't even know if that's a euphemism or not??? Like i just want to raise cute little wyrmies togehter and be together forever but the only guy I ever met who was like that wasn't even a dragon but a friggin polymorphed gnome (NEVER AGAIN!!!!). -.- getting desprat here...
ps I#m NOT underage I'm over 90.

>>54443950
>You must be at least 180 to post on this board

>>54460595
This kind of shit is why rape is so common.

>>54460595
This applies to you, too.
>>54460597

>>54440483

MODS!1112!i!!

What the fuck!
That's barely even a hatchling.
There is no way that she could have made anywhere close to 100 solar rotations

I bet she doesn't even have a hoard of her own.
You're just asking for a respectable dragon to report you and put out a bounty to have a party vanquish you.

If your so afraid of your mate stealing your hoard then why don't you just fuck a fire drake?


Enjoy your party van

>>54440483
You call that miserable little pile a hoard? I bet you're not even a century old with that little size, fuck off and come back when you burn a city and have a hoard bigger than your pathetic ass

>>54460595
>Over 90
You ARE underage if you hadn't lived at least a century anon

>>54461014
You idiot

I was clearly making fun of the Dragon who posted the pic not the model in the pic (who is clearly a LepidoSauria model or LS Model)

Fuck of back to ribbet frog poster

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I think my cousins have autism. They're not red dragons, yet they breath fire. I think my aunt may have cheated with that hydra by the swamp.

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>>54460595
I'm not like one of those chromatic assholes, want to come over and look at my hoard

>>54446291
The Yuan-Ti have a pretty decent exchange program for internships, but I wouldn't recommend you keep em around for too long

>>54440179
Have them fly into the gilded cage...then bam...pet griffin....
Speaking of which, do you want to find out for yourself.

>>54446446
What were your *exact* words?

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>>54455644
Just use a gun.

>>54461586

>'Good people, don't kill me! I am very rich. I will pay for all the damage I have done. I will pay for the funerals of all the people I have killed, especially the parson of Oakley; he shall have a noble cenotaph, though he was rather lean. I will give you each a really good present, if you will only let me go home and fetch it.'

>>54460054
>Silver
>Burn down a village
I found the human...

Guys I think I fucked up, I met this band of "heroes" about a month ago while I was rampaging a city and instead of killing them like I did the rest of the city I mocked them and flew off, now I hear they've been genociding goblins and other lesser creatures and I'm worried they might get strong enough to beat me, what should I do?

>>54460595
This is why wyrmings and adolescents should never be granted Viewing Pearls, Seer Orbs, Scrying Slates or be allowed anywhere near a Pool of Insight...

Child, you are in the wrong place. Go back to your cave.

>>54462442
Prepare your asshole for annihilation, you idiot. I swear, young Dragons these days don't even realize that leaving any possible threat alive to grow stronger is what has killed 70% of Dragons throughout the ages.

>>54454157
Damn son.

>>54462477
Yeah but I've been sending some of my worshippers with my extremely powerful artifacts to go and capture caves and ruins in order to set up some safehouses I can escape to, but I haven't heard from them in a while

>>54462489
>Trusting your worshipers with extremely powerful artifacts
Thanks, Draganon, you just gave me the best laugh I've had in years.

If it wasn't over for you before, it certainly is now.

>>54462478
Don't encourage him. That was about as strong a burn as a rogue who fumbled their torch...

>>54462538
Shit, I'm freaking out, should I make my presence and meet them somewhere? There is a mining town I could challenge them to a duel in, nothing should be there but a bunch of old rundown ballistae and if I use my fire intelligently I could blow up some of the old mining charges.

>>54462489
Shit son, you better hope the cultists just fucked off with them and those adventurers you let live didnt get their grubby little paws on them. I let it happen once and still have the scars from it. Never again.

>>54462575
Why not just scale yourself and make them some hats while you're at it?
Be faster that way.

>>54462575
Your best bet is to kill them before they get any more powerful than they already are. If you feel that they've already reached your strength, I'd recommend going underground and Polymorphing into a Dwarven Merchant for a century or so.

>>54460121
Oh God this shit again, whatever you do, don't wash it off, or ask the traveling Dragon Washer man who "Oh so conveniently is passing through" to do it for you.


Fucking wing gipped copper bastards, I swear to Tiamat, I'm going to loose my shit one day

>>54462413
Hm. So you never explicited you were going to pay in *coin*?

>>54462690
Would a fly-by shitting be in order?

>>54462413
Is this some joke I'm not getting? It feels familiar somehow.

>>54462798
Just tell them it's for their crops, and it will make their harvest super huge or some shit like that. peasants are all about their crops, and if you give them a yield three times bigger than normal they might not even care that the shit is o=probably three percent their neighbors and family members. Aim optional, obviously.

>>54462798
Glamour the shit into gold and when it turns back in the morning blame the faries or something

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>>54437531
Haaaaay, is this the gay wyvern thread?

>>54464095
>>>/mlp/
They're all about flying fruits over there, you'll fit in great!

>>54464095
Every wyvern thread is a gay wyvern thread.

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Great Winged Mmmasters, Ik-Ik bring good news, yes!
Bang-Bang just came back from spyings on the stocky beardies and stole their tec-techanolgies- their smarts on cooking and shapings metals!

Look at Kigip, he's so shiney now!

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>>54464320
This Who are they trying to fool?

>>54460567
Finding something that can be worked into enough leather to make a sling for a giant is.

Half-Gold Dragon Paladin of Bahamut looking for her father. I was born 24 years ago in northeastern Arcenia. I am hunting a Red Dragon and an Oracle told me the only way I would survive The encounter was if I had armor made of my father's scales.
At least I think that's what their prediction meant. I don't think digging up my mother's corpse and making armor of her would be very effective. Also it seems more "necromancer" than "paladin."

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>>54467137
Have you considered that the Oracle may have been a necromancer themselves, using the dead to provide prophecy?

Don't mind the pic, that's just a still from my last vacation. It didn't go well, I had to regrow a whole two heads when one of them started creeping on some undead elf.

>>54467238
I've used their services before and while their advice is sometimes confusing, I've never seen anything to make me suspect them of necromancy. Though it would explain why they didn't mention that vampire that one time...
Still, they've never lied to me before, and it would be nice to meet my dad regardless. I mean, he's a gold dragon, that's one of the best kind of dragons. If they weren't, why would Bahamut use them as his attendants?

>>54467399
It's a metaphor. Your faith must be sure and just. You don't need to defile your mothers grave.

Also be careful around those Oracles. A lot of them lately have been, we'll say questionable at best.

If you ever doubt the wisdom of Bahamut, seek out the crossbreed draganon higher up in this thread. That bastard is so faithful that he gets free reincarnation upon death...

>>54467137
You're the little shit ruining my plans.

Good to know about your father's scales. Time to make a trip...

>>54467519
I'm not sure I get the metaphor. I never intended to defile me mom's grave, I just want to meet my dad, and maybe get a couple of his scales to make new armor.

It would nice and symbolic to go with the holy sword I got from my mom's family. They have a long tradition of being paladins.

>>54467552
Yeah yeah, keep talking big. Justice will reach you eventually, as it does all like you. It's a matter of when, not if.

>>54446460
See, this shit is how you get awful half-breeds. Bet there was something extra in that chicken.

>>54467648
Hey if he's willing. Do you even know where to look for him though?

>>54467648
The insolence from such a filthy little half-breed.

You disgusting piece of trash, after I deal with your father you shall suffer.

Who here also /dragonslayer/?

>>54467688
No idea, that's why I'm asking around. If I knew where to start searching I'd be going there.
The only clues I have are what I've figured out based on my own life.
I was born 24 years ago in Arcenia, so presumably he was in Arcenia ~25 years ago.
I'm part gold dragon, so he must have been a gold dragon.

>>54467723
You keep talking, but all I'm hearing is "please noble paladin, stab me in my vile heart with you sword! My scales are so very soft as I am a mere red dragon and they cannot compare to even a half-gold dragon like yourself!"

So I've been oppressing this tiny human kingdom for the last couple centuries as a hobby on the side. Y'know flying over it, burning cities, kidnapping princess, and stuff. Well, the latest ruler was apparently reallly shitty and the commoners have executed the royal family. A party of dignitaries came to me yesterday during my nap time and woke me up to say that the public has elected me as their ruler. Does anyone have some advice on governing a kingdom or know of another dragon that was in a similar situation?

>>54467889
I would elect a council that makes decisions in your stead. That way they can still function even without you around. And you can still make decisions for them to carry out.

>>54467889
Stop burning their cities and towns, taking their wealth and killing their soldiers, and start defending them. It sounds stupid but hear me out

Bandits show up and start destroying towns? Kill the bandits. A foreign kingdom declares war? Destroy their armies. Goblins raiding merchant caravans? Torch the goblins. Keep that kingdom prosperous and take cuts of their wealth as "taxes". You'll get way more gold in the long run.

But also do what >>54467930 said. You don't have to oversee anything directly, just don't let it get destroyed and you'll get a ton of money from them

>>54467830
I see one problem with your false bravado, I know where your father is.

So let me ask you half-breed, how do you think he'll feel as I tear his heart from his chest? Do you know how easy it is to kill a Gold?

Off to say dear old Dad.

>>54455141
Fucking hydras. Schizo as shit, but your scaly asses are alright in my book.

>>54468009
Well, that changes things significantly.
See, I think you are misunderstanding the prophecy. I need my dads scales to SURVIVE my fight with you. My victory, on the other hand, has never been in question. And if you're gonna kill my dad, I guess I need to stop dawdling and accept the fact that it's my time.

>>54468107
I think you misunderstand child. Once your blundering traitor of a father is dead, nothing will stop me from simply destroying you.

Do you know something else half-breed? It's quite nice where your father lives, somewhat tranquil, a nice lake at the base of the mountain. With a quaint little village he's been protecting. I think the peasants will burn quite nicely, don't you agree?

>>54460159
>For instance nobody seems to mention that cults need basically constant oversight, because they tend to go off the trail and become something weird

There was this one metallic I knew, a bit more unruly than most but fine enough, encouraged and fostered a cult but didn't handle any of the upkeep. After a few generations, his stupid scaly ass is usurped by something >>54453421 would have shat up, he gets assimilated so that his head alone has seven new openings and an arm growing out it it, and just... his entire plane of existence is royally fucked. Got to keep those cults on lockdown or slaughter the lot and restart.

>>54468186
You're not going to get the chance, because I'm going to ram my sword straight through your skull before you can, even if it kills me.

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And then the thread broke down in to a dickwaving contest. This is why you DON'T spread around knowledge of Viewing-Pearls to literally everyone. How did humans and half-breeds even get on here? Was it wizards? I bet it was wizards.

>>54468243
Can you see the smoke on the horizon? The smell of flesh burning, and the rats screaming?

I see your father too, he flies quickly on gold wings. He thinks he has a chance, I see him clearer now from the South.

What's this that I spy on him? An injury on his right shoulder, where the wing meets the body.

It will be a quick kill.

>>54468536
Hey, all I wanted was info about my dad. Then this >>54468558 guy had to go and start shit.
Speaking of which...
>>54468558
Hey thanks, it was nice to see my dad once before dying. Still, out of all the ways I expected to go, I never guessed falling to death because I can only teleport once a day. First time I wished I was one of those half dragons with wings.

Gold-Spawn, I would not be so quick to cast your life away, even if for your father and the people he protects. Now might be all the more reason to seek alternative futures.

>>54468710
What kind of paladin would I be if I refused to come to my fathers aid, or that of the he village he has been protecting?

>>54467781
Get out of here Slay-fag.

>>54468765
one who recognizes a grander picture. The other red dragon lays low your father so easily and a village that he would have prepared to defend against rivals if he was smart.

What chance does a lone half-dragon paladin pose?

Fighting him now: you throw away your life, you will not score some 'fatal blow' before he kills you, and his evil would simply continue and I doubt your god would even see you as a martyr, just another fool.

What you need to do is wait. After my rival passes, get your father's scales and then prepare.

>>54468691
With that failure exterminated, I think it's time I do something a bit more apt with his filthy corpse. I suppose gating it to a specific realm might make it too easy. Let's disintegrate his corpse shall we?

I see you wish to fight me too, what a shame about this village. What would dear old dad think of you letting these rats burn?

>>54468890
You're annoying.

>>54468765
You're an idiot for taking the bait from two Reds at once.

>>54468888
Morlthak is that you again?

>>54468765
Don't be a dumbfuck you foolish mortal. Always so willing to throw your lives away I swear. Okay, listen. Green dranon from earlier (btw thanks whoever recced the warforged, the dwarvish "servants" are making quite a few as I'm typing this) what you need is some more friends. A lone paladin is easy to kill, even if you have a 3 scales growing on your chest and a whisker here or there you're still just a paladin. 20 seconds under a breath attack and your dead. I can order one of my elvish assassins to join you on your quest since I have quite a few and I fucking hate reds. I'd recommend a wizard and a ranger to round off your dragonslaying team, maybe a healer if you can find one. Going in alone is will only result in you dead and you know it

>>54469063
I've been called that among other things, and I'm not trying to bait her.

I'm giving her fair warning, and even willing to offer a talon of support if she desires.

To what end? Well... I'm still working on that, but it'll be good, I swear.

Everyone will be like "OH! I totally didn't see that coming even though the signs were all there!"