The story of my retarded DnD group. May update on new thread

Chapter 1: A fateful encounter

Be me, looking for a pot so I can collect some algae for an experiment (error 404; social life not found), when I stumble into the wrong room and find 3 guys; I shall call them Erdan, the retarded wizard, Furfag (he and all his characters are furries, he confirmed this himself) and DM, who is a really cool guy, but he has a god complex.

So these 3 dudes are playing when Furfag starts bitching about their lack of healz. I ask what they're doing, DM says DnD. I ask to join, DM says yes and Erdan + Furfag ask me to tank. I agree.

>>54389957
Is that a motherfucking Norwegian forest cat?

>>54390057
No, it's your mom's shaved bush.

She likes to be nice and smooth when I fuck her.

>unironically playing tabletop with a known furry
This can only end in autism.

Chapter 2: Up to speed

So after that, I met up with DM to make my character. At Furfag's behest, he has 4 size 18 text pages of special races ready to go, so I go for Goliath Paladin. Backstory blah blah, roll stats, doing well -

I get a 7 for intelligence.

So I am Tadriel of Myra, retarded Goliath who wears a barrel with a childish smiling face carved into it. He then saves Furfag's character, a Tabaxxi chick called Tink'dra, from some orky fuck and gets duped into an assasin's guild through contract shenanigans involving eating quills. Then we get attacked by a revenant, burn down Erdan (Erdan's name stems from this useless wizard)'s GF's library, pissing her off and taking a coach to this town.

>>54390057
I don't know. She's descended from a ginger cat and she may have a bit of Persian in her, but she also has this thing where she has no way of balancing

>>54390128
I didn't know at the time, but I should have suspected. Besides, this is nothing

Chapter 3: The road there

I take about half a month travelling down a road, and ask about what happened before me. This is basically all I know

Erdan was with a previous character of Furfag's, a Druid (figures). He tests out a new sword on hotel staff, creating the revenant we fought before, and the Furfag Druid got 'fisted to death' (again, figures). Then Tink comes along, gets to bodyguard (read: babysit) Erdan and they piss of the ork from before, a contact of theirs. Also at some point he got attacked by guards and instead of using thunderwave to stun these people like a proper wizard, he casts a level 1 magic missile. This is the level of autism they reached pre-actually retarded character. Then me, then library, now road.

We get briefly stopped by some hobgoblins on our way to this place that got scouted out earlier, and we decimate them. Tadriel golfs some of them with his Warhammer but lets the fleeing minions go, because he's nice like that. Erdan isn't, and used his signature spell of lvl 1 magic missile to kill them, sparing the leader, who I fail to knockout punch and who then gets interrogated. This consists of us physically and mentally scarring him, tying him up, Erdan smearing him in shit with cantrips and finally his vaporisation via moonbeam. We mount the remaining heads on a shield and mount it on the cart.

Then, Erdan's GF shows up and starts to attack him for burning her books. Tadriel disarms, thoughtfully chews wand, ties her up (she escapes miraculously unmolested).

We also find a chest with magic items and I accidentally put on demon armour.

On with the show, then!

Chapter 4: Autism intensifies

We arrive at town and have to ditch the hobgoblin trophy, but manage to hide Erdan, a known murderer. We meet 2 new guys, whose names shall be Kirito (Playing a Kenku rogue called 'blade storm' (yes seriously)) and TFguy (playing a 4 int dragonborn fighter called Tank) are sent to help us. More will come soon.

This fearless 5 arrive at an outhouse conected to a secret underground lair where the bad guys are. It should be known that I still don't know what the fuck is going on, I just wanna RP Tadriel, as the only one who can RP (Furfag tries, but isn't very good). Speaking of, at this point, Tink decides that flushing the outhouse (DM rolled a 1 on history here) would flush out the bad guys (Furfag rolled a 1 on intelligence here) by flooding their base.

It doesn't work.

All 5 of us stand in this outhouse with a crazy Tabaxxi bitch flooding us with sewer water, so Tank and Tadriel both grab for her and she dodges everything, including bricks.

After calming down, DM tells us that we find a secret tunnel to the bad guy place

Chapter 5: Henderson rises

We all arrive on the evil basement level, in a Lolth - dedicated library. Everyone tries to sneak up on the guards until me, where I Oinkbane-style SNEAK ATTAAACK them and kill both, but make enough noise to alert everyone else on the entire level. We kill them, in part thanks to too many magic items (DM accidentally created a level 3 rogue that killed the Tarrasque this way, and we live in fear of Gimble to this day) and alert the town guards, who arrest us. Some of us resist, and it becomes clear that this is what the DM wanted.

But not what Tadriel wanted.

Tadriel initially starts to stop fighting, before knocking out his entire party with the help of the guards, to the table's amusement.

DM orders everyone out, I derailed his plot too much

Taking a quick break, questions welcome

>>54390728
>I just wanna RP Tadriel
^doomed

Chapter 6: We're still retarded

Party wakes up in prison, I ditch demon armour and the party gets freed to defend from sudden Drow incursion. Drow die in similar way to Drow guards last chapter, watcry and all, and we go loot the cemetery for free shit, instead of a now vacant armoury. Tank and Tadriel fight over a shovel, and Tadriel steals it by rolling a 5 and clanking up to swipe it. We leave, fight a hydra on the way back and find a kobold cave. They guard a golden dragon egg, and we steal it and paint the walls of the cave with kobold. I save a few (VERY IMPORTANT LATER) and we go home.

We end up losing Erdan to him astral projectioning and interrupting a Githzerai make-out session, Erdan getting beaten to death.

After this, all that happens is we fight a baby beholder until my spaz of a brother reveals that it has 10hp left, so DM makes it fully grown. TPK, so we retcon it and the campaign kinda peters out after that

We start another game, want to hear the progress so far or wait for Tale of retards 2?

>>54391522
No, this is boring and a waste of a thread.

>>54392307
This.
Also terribly written. I'm taking this off my thread watcher.

Fair enough. I'm a shit writer