Meanwhile on citywatch /tg/

>>54109429
Everything is fine, nothing to see here?

Just remember 2 things rook-
1) We look after our own.
2) around blacks never relax

I envy the outsider with the fire-painted armor, the long coat and the fingerless gloves.

He looks mean. He looks business. He even has a wolf howling at the moon on his tabard.

And that Dapper Hat...

Some dwarf turns up at your gate and refuse to relinquish his arms due to 'Muh Ancestral Weapon'. Wut do?

>>54109544
Point him to the nearest orc caravan, if he doesn't wanna play by the rules of the city he can sit with the beggars and thieves.

File: Titian-Man-Glove.jpg (39KB, 600x782px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 600x782px

Keep up the good work boys. Don't forget who's paying you.

>be gate guard
>chilling at the main gate w/ muh guard bros, waving the regular merchants through and ogling the girls' arses
>see four people stride up, clearly adventurers
>exotic races with arrogant postures, laden down with war gear, dual katanas, black face scarves, skull pendants etc
>all of them covered in blood and literal shit because they never bother to wash
>you know, adventurers
>"Weapons check." I grunt at them
>instant butthurt and strident claims that they'd rather die than be parted from their prized belongings
>we let them fume a bit, trying to hide our smirks
>eventually pretend their shitty diplomacy attempts convinced us to let them just go right in
>joke's on them, there aren't any laws against carrying weapons in the city in the first place

>>54109649
Much obliged. And don't forget who keeps your head on your shoulders when the rabble gets roused.
Or we might.
And then you'd have a problem.

File: tfw roman.jpg (62KB, 677x782px) Image search: [Google]

62KB, 677x782px

>>54109429
>my feet hurt.
>this armor is heavy
>halberds
>I'll stick with my sword, thanks
>I should ask for a raise
>why is nobody breaking any laws?
>tfw no qt blacksmith's daughter gf

>>54109882
Trust me I shan't. Yaint going to betray me will you?

>>54109544
Let Captain Carrot deal with him.

File: IMG_6813.jpg (64KB, 700x467px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 700x467px

>>54109452
True that, those drow elves are up to no good.
Always flaunting their naked bodies and capturing men for their sex rituals and randomly propositioning men to fuck them in near alleys like whores.

We'll have no such indecency in MY district thank you kindly!

File: Bak.png (829KB, 1554x2677px) Image search: [Google]

829KB, 1554x2677px

>Some group of adventurers walks up
>Two humans, an elf, they're fine to come in
>But then I spot the goblin following them
>I immediately raise my weapon because this must be another goblin spy trying to sneak in
>Other adventurers keep saying he's with them
>Don't believe them and kick them all out
>Turns out they were telling the truth and goblins are just ending up as adventurers now

When did this shit happen?

>>54110054
Yes. Send them to MY district. We're strict on indecency and we'll be keeping a close eye on these lust-tempters. We might even escort them into our watch quarters for inspection!
>Captcha: Artzpraxis CRISS
I guess that's her name?

File: laughing saxons.jpg (64KB, 538x482px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 538x482px

>mfw adventurers think I care about some ogre they killed
I'll have my pension next month, and can retire.
Who ever retired off the sale of ogre-loot?

>>54110108
>ever saying you're close to retirement
Now you're just going to die

>>54110132
>You can't die if you don't say you're close to retirement or get close to retirement.

So that's how adventurers face death all day and come out alive! What does this have to do with those point hits they keep talking about?

>>54110108
> first to die in the ork raid
I am going to fuck your wife after you die

> making rounds
> have to walk past ghetto district
> always try to hide among a crowd to avoid pleas from the rabble
> no crowd today
> urchin runs to me, says a fire is burning out of control
> ask him where
> he says its at the Uther's house, as if I care
> move toward it, smoke everywhere
> they're cremating a body in their fucking backyard
> apparently old Theruf Uther kicked the bucket
> too poor to buy a plot for him so they burn his dead ass
> urchin asks me to do something
> grab him by the shoulders and look into his eyes
> "Theruf- Theruf is on fire. We don't need no water. Let them Uther fuckers burn."

File: 1492998096528.jpg (183KB, 857x1601px) Image search: [Google]

183KB, 857x1601px

>>54110157
>What does this have to do with those point hits they keep talking about?
You know how adventurers just laugh when you point a crossbow at them, even though that crossbow should be a lethal wound to anybody?

It's because they know more than us. They know a crossbow bolt can't kill them because they have more hit points. than a crossbow can do damage. I've had them tell me this, though it sounded like they were talking to somebody not here, I learned what their names were but they kept saying completely different names and kept asking weird questions

>>54110092
I know right? Whats next, drinking from the same wells?

>>54109544
Dwarves are fine. I'll let him in lest I wish to start a conflict with the Dwarf realm.

>>54110098
I have them all on lockup right now.
They're doing lesbian stuff and once I've got them processed I'll have to release them. I'll give your district a memo to look out for them with their descriptions in them.

>>54110539
>Deny one dwarf dreg, probably born in our kingdom, away.
>Dwarf aristocracy caring.
Besides, how will they find out about it?

>>54110310
Applause.

File: images[1].jpg (6KB, 197x255px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 197x255px

>Walking down the main street towards the city center.
>Approaches one of these smug fuckers on my route
>They are standing around all day and wear fancy dresses getting paid 10x what i get+ divine favour while standing in the shade while i have to hike it for miles across town in armour and scuffle with street rats.


How can i become a clergyguard?

File: Middle_Ages_2-47-Rhodian_Greek_Militiaman.jpg (19KB, 243x410px) Image search: [Google]

19KB, 243x410px

>>54109429
>No one ever wants to patrol the sewer
>Albert did, but turns out the fucker was actually guiding smugglers inside
>So lottery from now on
>Guess who got the small straw?
>Six retchings in the muck and gut-juice later
>Five coin-fishing goblins
>I swear they earn more than me
>A pipe screamed at us
>Turns out a troll head was stuck inside
>Its regeneration was making the lead bulge
>No thief stashes to confiscate
>I thought it couldn't get worse
>I hear a gargle over the corner
>It sounds like someone is drowning
>Inner hero moves my body before I stop to think
>I'll never forget what I saw
>A galley-sized mound of floating fat, all yellow and maggoty and solid
>Some sicko reanimated it
>Undead fat
>Choke on more retching
>Trip on a loose brick
>Fall over in the fat
>It can't harm me
>Just keeps gargling
>I feel like a joke made by the universe

I only remain a guard because someone has to pay the education for my children to never be like me. My eldest going to try the admission exam for the imperial administration next spring.

File: 2017-07-01-22-12-19-822412720.jpg (8KB, 195x259px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 195x259px

>tfw im king of /tg/city

File: 4a2915b18049ea97831172d9d3a18c9e.jpg (93KB, 736x1454px) Image search: [Google]

93KB, 736x1454px

>Be me
>High ranking guard
>Hellyeahboy.parchment
>Lounge around all day except for mandatory patrols
>My turn for today comes up
>Walk around for a while
>I can hear womens undergarments flood when I'm near
>Suddenly the crowd parts
>A fucking dragonborn is standing there
>Wat
>Ladies are swooning all over him
>Guys are looking at his greatsword
>Pull out my sword
>It'sgotime.towncrier
>Yell at him
>"What's your business here?"
>He looks at me like I'm trash
>As if he's so far above me my blade will crack if I stab him
>He says a single word
>"Leave"
>His voice booms through the marketplace
>I leave
Fucking dragonborn.

>>54111179
>Not coming back with pals
>Not getting the sheriff and use status to make him paint the dragonborn as a tax evader (he probably is, those money grubbing lizard fucks)
>Not just telling him to state his business and you'll get on with your lives
This is why nobody likes you steven.

>>54111179
Kek, what a fucking milkdrinker.

>>54111236
Fuck you Kevin I get bitches.

>>54111267
And fuck you to you probably don't even end people rightly

>>54111276
Yeah and they're taken by some long snouted (((dragonborn))), real impressive. This is why you failed as kingsguard steven,

File: Screenshot_20170701-223737.png (497KB, 720x1280px) Image search: [Google]

497KB, 720x1280px

>>54111303
We both know I know where you live Kevin.

>>54111335
Yes, in the same guards barracks as you. This is a double edged sword you're pulling steven.

>>54111276
Steven, i was their
Once you left your wife took the dragonborn into your home
They were fornicating so loudly it scarred your children

File: Screenshot_20170701-224140.png (310KB, 720x1280px) Image search: [Google]

310KB, 720x1280px

>>54111358
You don't think I'll do it? I'll erase you like I did to Bernard.

File: 1492578214098.png (343KB, 729x1095px) Image search: [Google]

343KB, 729x1095px

>>54111389
>Did to Bernard
What the fuck are you talking about I'm still here

>>54111379
I don't have a wife, nor kids. Nice try though.

>>54111389
What, you mean when you tripped over your own feet onto him, and then he fell down the stairs of the watchtower? Get the fuck outta here Steve.

>>54111389
Right, I'm coming over, lets do this. I'm bringing the bernard.

>>54111399
Steven you can't lie to me
An old mans eyes see everything

>>54111398
Then who did I throw into the sewers while everyone was asleep?
>>54111412
That time was an accidentn
>>54111418
Wait no.

>>54111438
Steven unlock the door you lil bitch.
Me and bern just wanna talk.

File: 2017-07-01-22-48-18-1597198988.jpg (9KB, 209x241px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 209x241px

>>54111438
Steven this is your captain
Are you implying that you murdered your fellow guardsmen?

File: Plate Knight.png (1MB, 1024x1449px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1024x1449px

>Be an ex-adventurer.
>settled down in small city and took over as the Captain of the Guard. Need to keep my skills sharp, just in case after all.
>Some spellcaster causes a commotion in the market district.
>Rush to the scene.
>Apparently a pair of wizards are in an argument over whether or not Evocation or Conjuration are superior schools of magic and started throwing spells around.
>I calmly suggest that they should keep their discussion as purely academic, otherwise I would have to get involved.
>They glance in my direction, seeing my armored form and scoff, thinking me as just another meathead and continue their spell slinging.
>I activate Globe of Invulnerability, dispell all their magical shit and conk them on their head unconscious.
>They wake up in a cell with an antimagic field built into it.
>Explain that they've been detailed and tried for the damages caused during their scuffle, for disturbing the peace and disruption of commerce.
>Smugly suggest that clearly abjuration is superior to both as I leave to finish paperwork.

>>54111465
Look lets just calm down heeeee >>54111468
Ah fuck

>>54111484
Steven get out of closet before i go call the knights on your ass

>>54111532
No. It's comfy here.

>>54110092
In my defense, thats what happens when you get resurrected in an area where magical fluctuations are going crazy. I'd much prefer to be human again, but that's not happening until we get enough gold.

So is it just me, or is anyone else getting real sick of these bands of homeless fucks who wander into the city and act like they own the place just because they got a few swords and maybe cleared out some gobvos in the backwoods shit hole they came from?

Uh, sir. I only got a Baton when will I get a spear?

>>54114187
When you've proven you can handle more than a couple of pickpockets.

Now get out of here you'd be patrolling the market area till sundown. And don't let me catch you mucking about in the job, or that baton would go somewhere unpleasant.

>Guarding the gate with few others
>group of adventurers head out from the city into wilderness
>they keep talking about their plans to retrieve some idol
>I can feel the excitement coming from them
>feel the grasp of sadness as I realise I have can't go on adventures like them anymore
>not after that incident with the elf lady
>stretch my knee
>sigh

File: OwlKnight.png (370KB, 502x1200px) Image search: [Google]

370KB, 502x1200px

>>54110108
Truly it depends on the type of ogre. I hear some in the dwarflands have gems growing on their hides, and others in the east are hunted for their marrow, which is very valuable.

Though I don't believe I've ever known an adventurer to retire at all...

File: order-scourge.jpg (64KB, 693x1026px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 693x1026px

>>54111179
Weak.
You do not wield authority with your every breath, you do not deserve your illustrious position.

How pitiful must you be to be openly mocked by a potential lawbreaker? Only to then give in to his demands?

Leave your post and clean the barracks, I shall be taking over your position, and you shall see the law enforced proper.

File: town_guard_01___constable_by_domigorgon-d6qhbiv.jpg (202KB, 721x1216px) Image search: [Google]

202KB, 721x1216px

>>54109429
My feet hurt.

File: Gnoll_Necromancer_by_velinov[1].jpg (93KB, 863x667px) Image search: [Google]

93KB, 863x667px

wan 2 b gard

is dreem

how do

File: 1451709731567.jpg (123KB, 800x940px) Image search: [Google]

123KB, 800x940px

>>54116737
>Find Oomie Gard Matreeark (she one wif shinies)
>Be slave for her
>Oomies don hurt gud Gnoll slaves, dey niser den Gnoll Matreeark.
>Bring her giffs in da nitetiem (dey like giffs of bad oomie heads, bad oomies wear blak en' red)
>She see yoo so gud, she gif yoo gard job.
>Ofer gard scare of yoo, yoo haf power nao.

>>54110108
>>54110132
>>54110157

>I'm a few days away from retirement.
>My Daughter's graduating from the arcane academy.
>Once we bag Mendoza, me and my old lady are going to sail around the world like we always wanted to.

Yes sir, everything going to be al-

>>54117083

so in umieland

firs yu get da woman
den you get da powa
den you get da shiney?

>>54110757
Not being known in less-than-respectable circles as the Whoremaster of Beggar's Bottom is a good start. You may want to work on that.