Real Life Random Encounters

>Walking around walmart, it's pretty dead
>Hear phone going off, figured it was a staff phone
>Nope, it was hidden under some weights
>Answer the phone, lady starts telling me to give the phone back or she's calling the cops
>visable minority in a 96% white city
>no way they'd believe I found it. drop phone and run
Almost framed I tell ya!

>>53039763
Could have at least left is somewhere she could find it.

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>>53039615
>Smoking in my backyard
>FeelsGoodMan.png
>Suddenly hear my cat freaking out in my garage
>Casually investigate
>Its a fucking black bear
>My cats got it scared in a corner
>I slowly move to pick up my cat
>On the outside he look calm and ready, but on the inside hes spilling mom's spaghetti
>Cat notices me at last second and runs away
>Bear also decides to cheese it
>I fucking scream like a bitch as it charges past me
I learned that day I'm more of a pussy then my pussy

>>53039615

Man, I wouldn't eat no bench pizza

>Arrive late for lecture
>Sit on the only free space on the back
>Some chick arrives even later than me and sits near me
>Looks like a barbie catalogue barfed on her
>Asks for notes

And that's how the irl GM tried to hook me up with a mob daughter

>>53039763
>no mam i found it here in walmart (location)

>i hand it over to the staff so you can pick it up thank

How the fuck is this a problem

>>53041848
Yt detected

>>53039812
Nah, fuck that bitch. Good looking out for yourself anon.

>live in a semi-detached house
>take dogs out for their walk round the back of the house
>passageway out to the drive is shares because of a steep hill at the back of the house
>new neighbours move in
>we own pugs
>they own a mastiff
>"its fine he doesn't bother other dogs"
>go to take dogs out a few months later
>mastiff freaks out and goes for out boy
>stand between charging mastiff and my dog
>think "the fuck am I doing?"
>grab mastiff by the scruff while retarded owner comes down and pulls him away
>my dog gets away with a single minor bite but is unharmed otherwise

Time passes...

>move to middle of the country, no lights anywhere
>out back yard light extends to the back fence
>taking our oldest girl out at night for a piss
>shes small and skinny
>see an owl swoop by at the edge of the light and land in a tree
>"oh cool"
>dog is hunkering down for a shite
>bird starts swooping low and heading towards her
>is this fucking owl trying to eat my dog?
>step forward and the owl turns 360 degrees and walks away
>"the fuck was I about to try and punch an owl?"

If nothing else I've learned that if an animal attacks my dogs I will fucking fight them.

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>>53040242
Vaguely related to my bear encounter

>Be me at 7 years old
>Vacationing up in the mountains
>Dark as shit out
>Armed with only a flashlight and the child-like fascination at waving it around that only autism can give you
>making way to aunt's cabin where my brother and sister are
>Get close, stop to wave my flashlight around because autism
>See aunt panicking in the window, waving me closer
>Bitch I'll get there when I get there
>Slowly meander my way over
>Siblings are crying and aunt is freaking out
>Apparently the entire last half of the walk up, there was a big black bear following about 2 feet behind me and I didn't notice.
>mfw

>>53040242
Your cat is a fucking pussy, cats usually attack black bears and chase them off. Black bears don't know what to expect from a cat so they run away

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This is a true story of something that happened to me when I was 12.

>Walking around a rich walled in neighborhood in venezuela with my little cousin and sister
>Suddenly hear soft clucking coming from above my head
>Look up. Pic related is looking down at me with a quizzical look on its face
>Decide to whistle to it because I'm a fucking autist who can whistle really well
>I stretch my hand out, there's about five feet of vertical distance between me and the parrot
>I start my whistling song. The parrot looks at me like I'm a fucking retard.
>I'm pretty sure I was whistling something from majora's mask or paper mario
>Ten minutes later my hands are tired. My sister wants to go home
>In the instant where I move to lower my arm the parrot's eyes suddenly dilate
>opens its beak and screams "NINO RICOOOOOO!!!" Which translates in english to "Tasty boy"
>The hype is real and I continue to whistle my heart out rendering every tune I can remember
>For the next thirty minutes the parrot slowly moves down branch from branch getting closer
>The moment of truth, the parrot is less than inch from my hand. It nibbles on my fingernail and grabs my thumb between its claws
>My heart is in my throat I'm so scared and excited I don't know what to do other than whistle
>The parrot gets on my hand and rapidly climbs up to my shoulder where it begins to alternate between nibbling my hair and pressing its beak against my ear to whisper sweet parrot nothings
>It won't let anybody other than myself touch it or get close to it. It refuses to get off my shoulder and stays with me for the rest of the day
>For the rest of my time there the parrot and I are inseparable. Have to keep it in another room while I sleep.

And that's how I got myself a pet parrot. I loved that aggressive feathery fucker.

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>>53039763
>visable minority

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>late at night, coming back from a party
>standing near a bus stop smoking
>two guys come near me
>scared to death because one of them looks like a movie criminal - bald, tatooed, vertical scar across his face, the second one looks like a typical hooligan type
>they just ask me for a smoke and offer me to drink vodka with them
Not that unusual considering slavs

>>53043634
I swear the number of times I've squared up to punch birds in my lifetime

Then again I'm from Australia, the land where 80% of the feathered wildlife thinks that your skull contains delicious treats that can only be extracted via high velocity dive-bombing.

>three hours ago
>walking through city with headphones in
>walk past old dude
>he says something to me
>take out headphones,
"What did you say"
>"Are you from Turkey?"
"No, haha"
>"Where are you from then?"
"From here, Germany"
>"Ah, stay healthy!", smiles and waves
Y-you too, have a nice day
This wouldn't be too random if I looked even the tiniest bit like I could be from Turkey

>>53044281
Good story Abdul.

>>53044200
>bald, tatooed, vertical scar across his face
That looks like me to be honest
I got the scar while renovating my house

this was from school
>sitting with small group of friends
>some random kid from a lower grade tries to sit with us
>friends says "why are you here?"
>kid walks off, dumping an entire tray of food in the bin

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>>53039615

The veracity of this greentext is questionable, but it's quite entertaining nonetheless.

>>53044289
I am a Greek

>>53044476
Thats what all of the Turks like to think

>>53044476

same thing

>>53039615

> During the winter at a friends house, getting high
> Drive home
> SilentNight.jpg
> Fresh snow too, the plows hadn't hit the roads yet
> Fresh snow also meant I couldn't see the yellow lines
> Suddenly a cop pulls up behind me
> Ah shit, play it cool
> Two blocks later another cop pulls up aside me
> PLAY IT COOL
> Glance at the cop
> Get a death gaze in return
> Out of nowhere another cop car passes in front of me and then again two blocks later
> Another cop pulls in front of me boxing me in
> wut is going on
> Cops, like angry bees, begin to swarm around me, pulling behind, pulling aside, pulling ahead, crisscrossing in front of me
> Focusing stupidly hard on not looking high, being casual, and driving in a straight line
> I can't see the yellow lines and fervently hope I'm not wavering in my driving
> Cops finally leave me alone as I leave their territory
> wtf

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>On a trip to D.C.
>For some reason we're in chinatown
>Going around looking for a noodle restaurant or something looking at all the knockoff shit on the way
>Random Asian guy comes up to me and gives me a paper crane.
>Fast forward 6 years
>Out of curiosity open up the crane
>Written inside is an address and some girl's name
>Google the address
>Find out it's where the mob left some dead bodies
>Burn the fuck out of that paper

>>53045109
Whoa, that is both cool and scary. I actually felt a little fear because of how relatively realistic that kind of thing can be

>>53044241
>Then again I'm from Australia, the land where 80% of the feathered wildlife thinks that your skull contains delicious treats that can only be extracted via high velocity dive-bombing.
To be fair, it does.

>>53044128
>Charm animal
>Nat 20
>you now have a new familiar

>>53044128
It also means "Rich boy" and where you were, it sounds more relevant.

>>53044572
grease comes from turkey

>>53039615
>Bordeaux, in France
>See a homeless guy near Porte de Bourgogne
>He's.. dressed as a pirate
>Hat, eyepatch, natural beard and all that shit
>Has a chess table installed in front of him
>Offer to play against people for a little fee instead of begging

Ok, that was pretty cool. Shame that I know jack shit about chess.

> Walking at like 4 in the morning with my girlfriend.
> Not very familiar with the neighborhood, but not lost either.
> Not a soul in sight.
> We turn a corner and there's a dude sitting in a front yard, just barefeet, smoking alone.
> Hey sees us and says "hey dudes!"
> Get kinda scared, dude is sketchy looking.
> "Would you like a rabbit?"
> wtf
> Like what the fuck is he trying to say? Is rabbit some sort of slang for drugs or something? Is he trying to distract us to rob us?
> He turns around and grabs a fully adult actual gray rabbit and extends it towards us.
> wat.jpg
> I say "I...I wouldn't know what to do with a rabbit?...thanks tho"
> He shrugs and says "eh, that's understandable"
> Girl starts laughing.
> Keep walking

We never saw the dude again.

>>53043634
>semi-detached house
>out boy
>If nothing else I've learned that if an animal attacks my dogs I will fucking fight them.

British ca/tg/irl detected.

>>53047294
No, I'm typed it on a mobile and my battery was dying so no time to proof read.

>parents move in to my house (their old house) while their house's being fumigated
>dad's sorta burly, shorter than me with more muscles.
>late night onnainternets
>i thirst for refreshments
>head downstairs
>dad's there.
>in a maid dress
>mom's fetishy maid dress
>playing BotW.
>eyes closed
>fighting a white maned lynel, one of the real tough bastards.
>he's winning.
>grab my drink and get back upstairs, 2wyrd4me.
>ask dad about it tomorrow
>he has no memory of it.
>blames me for messing with his save.

He has never sleepwalked before that.

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>>53044138
Jesus christ that white girl looks like a fucking genestealer.

>>53044445
Almost certainly a fake story but damn if that wasn't a fantastic read. Very well done.

>>53039615
I tend to be a random encounter that happens to people, particularly in touristy areas.
> Walking through London
> Trying to get somewhere by tube
> Shit keeps being closed, forcing me to redirect and walk miles through stations
> Get pissed off by it all, walk faster to get there quicker
> People coming the other way go out of their way to avoid me
> Weave through slower people
> Get people out of the way on a travelator (a conveyor belt for people) by stopping sharply behind them.

> Cycling home from hanging with friends
> Middle of the night
> Something pulls into the road in front of me, and keeps pace
> Look at it
> It's a fucking badger
> Just running along down the road
> After a few minutes of following it, it pulls off and is gone into the undergrowth
> I shrug, and carry on going

Otherwise, working retail seems to have given me a big sign over my head telling people I'm there specifically to help them.
> On holiday
> Wandering around a small village
> Follow footpath by a river
> Find a magical-looking waterfall surrounded by trees and cliffs
> Settle down to read my book for a bit
> Mere seconds later, someone wanders into the clearing and bugs me for help reading a map
> With his wife and >5 children.
> Point him in the right direction
> Literally the only way out other than going back the way you came is a treacherous set of steps
> They took one look at it and go back the way they came

>>53043634

I've had this happen to me when I was in high-school. We had a small Rat-Terrier mix whom I left out into the backyard. I heard a strange yelping from the front yard and rushed out to see her get dropped 10 feet by some kind of hawk.

Scared the shit out of me, and she had a talon-gash in her head, but she recovered fine.

>1am, in bed with qt gf
>get a call from a friend
>she's having a panic attack and wants me to drive over
>driving down highway, stopped at traffic lights
>check out car next to me
>1980s shitbox old blue sedan
>i-is that a parrot?
>car has 3-4 loose blue macaws in it
>valuable, illegal birds
>3 people also in car, seem unfazed by birds
>we both drive through the lights when they change
>both going exactly the speed limit
>passenger of other car and I lock eyes
>parrots continue moving around car etc
>i'm losing my fucking mind, I have to be
>they accelerate away from me, driving fast to the airport
>when I get to my friend's house i explain
>she laughs, panic attack ends immediately
>call tip line
>"sorry sir, are you telling me they were smuggling... birds?"

>>53047445
>He has never sleepwalked before that.
As far as you know.

Ok I have a few.

>On bus
>Going home for god knows where
>Some dude sits next to me
>Older, in his 40s
>Looks at me
>Smiles the widest grin
>Calls me Igor
>Ask me where have I been
>He hasn't seen be since we where in the army
>Hes still a Sargent
>Says he misses the drinking we used to do while I was suppose to be on watch
>Asks me if I've lost weight
>Tells me i should drop over hes auto-repair shop sometimes
>Gives me a business card
>Gets off at his stop

I literally didn't say a word apart from yup thinking hes a nut-job. He's shit checks out tho.
Legit full fledged Sargent, with a automobile repair shop. And I guess he knows a guy named Igor who looks like a fatter me...

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>Used to be a "night receptionist" in college Basically sit at a dorm entrance and check in students and visitors all night.
>Two in the morning, fucking Green Man shows up outside the dorm.
>Dances around for a minute, then runs off.
>Have discussion with coworker whether this goes on the log sheet or not.

>>53047748
Well, maybe he did when we were all still living in the old (now collapsed) shack-house. But ever since we moved to my current house, i've always stayed up late and not once in my time of 1 to 9 sleep schedule have i see him sleepwalk.

>>53047445
Sleepwalking is a bitch

>At brothers house
>Late at night
>Hear something brake downstairs
>OH GOODY ITS A BURGLAR
>HONEY GET THE GUN
>What do you mean we don't have a gun at my brothers place
>Bloody hippie
>Armed to the teeth with nothing but autism I walk downstairs
>I see my brother getting ready for school
>Packing his books in a backpack
>Bumbling bout being late
>Its 3 in the morning
>He's 30
>Where did he get the spiderman kid sized backpack
>And schoolbooks
>Escort my brother to his bed
>Spend the rest of the night contemplating where the fuck he god the backpack and books
>Morning comes
>Brother wakes up
>Laughed it off
>Thinks i was just fucking with him and got the backpack and books to fuck with him.

10 years have past and i still have no fuckign idea where he got the books and backpack...

>>53047747
Fuck that retarded tip hotline worker. The illegal smuggling of exotic birds is a pretty big problem. How the hell could someone work there without even knowing that?

>>53047900
Its college nothings special

>Be in college
>Be in dorm room with some girls
>Be drinking rum
>Be needing to puke
>Be puking
>Be realizing I need a shower
>Be in shower
>Be realizing should wash my junk, there are girls here after all
>Be realizing I probably should have taken my pants off before getting in the shower
>Be blacking out
>Be waking up on the roof of the dorm

College makes no scene unless your drunk, high or both

>>53048050
the whole experience was incredibly fucking bizarre man.

>>53047478
for the four-armed emperor

>>53039615
>finish a small one shot at my LGS rpg dedicated room
>go take the metro
>on the other side is a dude, completly drunk, wearing a tricorn, when two women pass by him he tip them

That's not a lot, but it was a fun thing to see

A bit of a /fit/ tail but i hope you don't mind

>Outside running
>Bump in to some friends I know from the track
>Decide to run together, so we can chat
>About halfway up the track i shit you not a fucking naked hairless 70yo dude shriveled up from the pain of existence sprints pest up
>Faster than any man I have ever seen before
>Continues sprinting until hes out of sight
>Never see him again

>Walking through Greenock, a mostly-protestant town
>I have a green and black umbrella, green is associated with Celtic, a team followed mostly by Catholics. There is "animosity" for some reason. Something to do with potatoes.
>Some guy looking to start a fight comes up
>"Hey, you a CFC guy?"
>CFC stands for Celtic Football Club, taking this guy on wouldn't be difficult but I'd rather not get involved in a fight.
>At the same time he could be a Celtic hooligan and answering Rangers could start a fight
>"Naw mate, I'm a Morton guy", Morton being the local team of Greenock. A safe bet.
>"Awright guid on ye"
>50xp for successful bluff check
>I actually don't give a single fuck about football.

>>53048187
Did this happen this Saturday

Because I was balckout drunk with a tricorn on... And i think there's a MTG game shop near the bar i was drinking at...

To be fair the bar is called jolly roger and its pirate themed...

>>53048257
No this just happened an hour ago.

>>53044138
Invisible minorities are the worst. Explains how my bike rode itself away

>>53039615
>be working a shitty job at the streets
>random old man tells me the tablet I'm carrying "is the ruin of mankind"
>ask him what the fuck he means
>surprizingly have a very interesting and constructive conversation about the impact of new technologies in day to day life and social interactions, he's not even some kind of luddite as he appeared first and we agree on a lot of things
>when I tell him that I'm worried about my future he tells me that he has devised that I will do great things like he's some kind of hobo prophet

>had to pick up friend from airport at like 1am
>driving through sketchy part of town
>stopped at light, look over at car next to me
>this huge black guy is hanging three quarters of the way out of the driver side window
>partying his ass off, he's got some moves
>light turns green, no one else in his car
>his car starts driving, maintaining good speed, not swerving at all
>he's still dancing out the window, somehow still driving
I wish I were as cool as that guy

>>53044076
>Black bears don't know what to expect from a cat so they run away
Sounds to me like they exactly how a cat will fuck you up.
Probably read the statblock.
Damn metagaming bears.

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>>53047478
Reminds me of James Labrie.

>>53047809
>he doesnt remember his ancient secret identity

>>53048201
NOT EVEN DEATH CAN CATCH HIM

>>53048426
Fuck. That's how he's so good. He's got fucking hivemind powers.

Fuck. I just almost got assimilated when I saw DT live last week.

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>>53047953
>Armed to the teeth with nothing but autism I walk downstairs
Amazing.

>Late night in Besançon, France, a couple year ago
>Tipsy and tired.
>I see a hobo handling some little bottles at a bus stop
>Walking by, minding my own business
>"Hey mate, got a smoke?"
>Give him one
>Notice he's got some droppers and small containers
>"want some acid? Im making some fresh one right now. Cheap."
>"nah thanks"
>Give him my lighter
>I went home to sleep

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>>53047133

I'm sorry to say, but I don't carrot all.

>>53039615
>sees
to whom are you referring?

>Work in grocery store
>Some woman walks up to me and starts speaking French
>Ask her if she speaks English
>She responds in French
>I know basically of French
>Say "I don't speak French" in French
>She gets angry and starts yelling at me
>All I know how to say is "I don't speak French" and ask where the bathroom is so I say the former to everything she says
>This gets her angry and she walks off
>My friend comes up later that night (works in customer service) and starts telling me about this woman who started yelling at her in French about "that racist asshole in the bakery who was insulting her language"

>>53041848
>someones first reaction is to say they're calling the cops on you rather than hearing you out
>when you have them at a clear disadvantage
>when phones are lost from falling out of pockets all the time
>literally blaming someone else instead of thinking not even you but your clothing could possibly, MAYBE, EVER be at fault
yeah nah, turn it off and hide it even better.

>>53050055
read that a bit earlier b/c of this thread
a modern classic

>>53048388
And yet here you are on 4chan.

>>53050630
Even world leaders can shitpost.

>getting drinks with friends after PAX
>walking back to the hotel we take a detour with less hills
>Down the street we see a homeless guy drumming on his knees and clapping while singing something
>As we approach can start making out words
>About 5 feet from him I realize he's singing the "ass n' titties" song
>give him like 10 bucks and continue walking, I don't think he even noticed me

i was doing some demolition work in seattle not far away from beth's cafe, so i went there for lunch, while i was waiting for my order the old hippy dude sitting in the next booth turned around and said "hi, you look like someone i'm supposed to know", i says to him hi i'm anon.

while i was eating he went on to tell me that he is the odd father and he had kurt cobain and jimi hendrix living inside his head, and that all the rock gods are coming back, if i give him the names of two dead rock stars they will move into my head and i could be part of his band, i says to him Dave Brockie and Lemmy Kilmister,
he says ok now come meet me in the ally and we can do the ritual, i says sorry i have to get back to work, he says it'll only take 5 min, i said sorry no paid my tab and split

>i hardly ever fall for that anymore

>>53051425
>anymore

>>53051425
maybe you folks can tell me.

if you're cleaning up rubble from a demolished church, how many dildos are too many to find?

>>53051704
One. One is too many.

>>53051874
i found 7. one was at leas 18 inches long i tried to convince my boss to attach it to the front of his truck

wacky fucking lutherans

>>53051952
jesus christ

>>53052054
That's probably what it was named.

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>>53052218
10/10

>>53052218
Okay, I chuckled.

>>53044347
You better be nice to him for when he starts singing pumped up kicks

>Be drinking and smoking the Devil's Lettuce with buddies in Jacksonville
>Run out of smokes, three of us decide to walk to nearest gas station on the corner of the street
>Right before we get there, hobo outta fuckin' nowhere
>Says he wants to show us a magic trick, asks for change
>Give him like 4 cents, all I had on me
>Says he's gonna make it disappear, starts chanting magic words, then yells "WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?!" but nobody turns to look.
>Tries to hide coins in his mouth, just ends up hitting himself in the face with them and they scatter on the ground
>Sits on the ground and starts crying, saying "Man, I'm just trying to get home."
>Tell him he can keep the change, go buy smokes.

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>Be me
>Never touched or went out with a grill before
>One day a grill comes to my door
>I'm in my underwear with no shirt or shorts
>Grill can see my chode imprint
>Grill wants to come inside and talk
>Grill comes in and I show her my pony stuff
>She isn't trying to get out of my house
>Sperg out and make a ton of shitty jokes that involve screaming
>She STILL isn't trying to get out
>We watch YouTube videos on my bed for about an hour
>During the hour she is leaning on me and touching my arm
>I'm not used to this because at the time I was an obese, ugly as fuck, mong with low self-esteem
>I don't understand she was coming on to me and wants to smash
>Become weirded out as fuck due to all the closeness from a girl
>I ask her to leave
>Later we end up sexting
>HolyShitThisIsStraightOutOfMyJapaneseCartoons.png
>I never talk to her again and now it's awkward whenever we see each other
Just fuck my shit up senpai. That was the closest I ever came to getting laid. Even if she falsely charged me with rape it would have been worth it.

>>53052676
jesus, could have at least given him a few bucks after that.

>>53052829
I would have if I had any besides the pennies, all I had was my card and the gas station didn't do cash-back

>CAPTCHA: Select all images with a gas station

>>53052218
Top tier

>>53048225
>Something to do with potatoes.

You've successfully described my entire lineage, heritage, and raison d'être. Well done, sir.

>>53052851
Could have given him some smokes dude

>>53052920
He had already vanished by the time we were done buying more, otherwise I would've

I'm not a complete monster anon, I was just drunk and confused

>>53051704
3

>>53047637
I'm a New Yorker, and sometimes when I'm drunk and sometimes when I'm sober I go out of my way to be the random encounter. Gotta give the tourists the full NYC experience of dealing with crazy people on the subway.

>>53052817
Jesus christ you're like a bad anime MC

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>>53052218
Quick /tg/, name the other six and we'll have a Lutheran Dildo Adventuring Party.

Former pizza delivery driver here.
>This lady lives in the fucking boonies of the city
>Her location is goddamn near impossible to drive to (it's on a mountain road right off a busy street and there are basically no fucking signs at all so it takes me three tries to get the right turn)
>Drive down into a grassy clearing, there are two trailer-sized houses in this huge field
>About to get out of the car when I hear the barking
>Shut the door just in time for this huge dog to come running up to the door and barking like the dickens
>I figure I could probably take it, but I don't want to hurt the dog, risk getting bitten, or ruin my uniform/the pizza
>Wait until the customer calls off the dog
>She's a short middle-aged woman, apologizes for the dog's behavior
>Get a three dollar tip

>It's hot as fuck when I'm making my delivery, try to keep myself chipper
>Guy comes to open the door, looks at me and can instantly tell I'm dehydrated
>What the fuck, I didn't realize it myself
>He pays for the pizza and tells me he was an army medic
>Requests I get myself some water before making my next delivery
>I promise to get something to drink and leave
>Actually do as he asks, end up feeling and driving better

>Drive to a location in my neighborhood
>This is when I'm a greenhorn, so when the guy comes to the door I fumble with the change a bit
>This guy is huge, like rip my arms off huge
>He starts getting angry and asks what the fuck I'm doing
>Alarms start blaring in my head
>I apologize because of the fact that I'm new to this
>Turns out he used to deliver pizzas too
>Gives me a short explanation of how to clean up my act a bit
>End up leaving arms intact
>Deliver to his location later, his wife comes to the door, doesn't comment on me

>>53046068
The dudes probably bailed
No gangsta would want to be caught going around with random white children in the middle of the night

>>53053207
Peter is definitely on the list

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>>53053207
St. Phillip is up there. He's down with the weird.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts%208:26-40&version=KJ21

>>53053207

Doubting Thomas.

Bitch, you can't take all that!

>>53053514
he'll put SOMETHING in jesus' spear wound

>>53053207
Judas Iscatiot for the kinky ones

>>53053544
Gotta pay them 30 pieces of silver to use it, the Reverend Mother has it locked up in her room.

>>53053154
>>53050055

Please tell me where I can find more like these.

>>53047809
Man Russian undercover agent brainwashing got good

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>walking to a convenience store around 3AM
>pass by a public park
>a lone old guy is shouting at the top of his lungs in complete gibberish
>total cliche of nonsensical ranting, there's no way it was an actual language
>it was dark enough that he didn't notice me
>a bit up the road a younger couple pass me carrying camping gear (they were probably homeless), heading toward the park
>few minutes later hear the woman scream
>chose to ignore that side quest

>>53044883
Probably just making sure you were safe and that they were there if you spun out or something. You were paranoid it was something else because you were high :^)

>>53046068
>they didn't actually leave at all, they were just black

>>53050035
I've had multiple people ask me in a vidyagame if I speak German in German and get really confused or upset when I say "nein"

like even though I am actually lying because it's an easy excuse not to type on a 3ds screen it's monster hunter I know it can't be uncommon for people to learn the phrases "can you speak [language]," "I don't speak [language]" and "yes/no" in various languages, right? I literally said "no" how does that indicate I'm literate in German

>>53053207
Elijah. The old testament is still canon and you're a bunch of fucking dildos so I don't trust you not to get killed without a proper wizard (and not that high-CHA party face dickhead).

>>53054588

> you're a bunch of fucking dildos so I don't trust you not to get killed without a proper wizard

i believe that wizard would be jesus' job wouldn't it

>>53054658
Nah, Jesus would be a Monk

>>53054658
>>53054778

Jesus was clearly a Favored Soul

>>53055258
Obviously. What are you guys smoking?

>>53050970
Alexander the great talked to a naked drunk who lived in a barrel

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>>53044445
>>53047534
Fucking goatman. It's the goddamn fucking goatman again. Fake or not, that one always gets me right to the core.

>>53039615
Back in the day when I was a young baby my next door neighbor was this divorced guy in his thirties who had what was quite possibly the most psychopathic murderous pitbull I've ever met in my life.

He wasn't a barker or a press it's face against the fence kind of pitbull. It would just sit in its dog house and whenever something would come in the backyard that wasn't his owner he would fucking sadistically murder it. Any given day of the week you were liable to find a dying, not dead, dying squirrel or a stray cat missing it's foot and bleeding out.

So one night I wake up because I hear a noise from the backyard. I look out the window and I can see into his backyard and there was what was either a kid or a midget there.

He was sitting down kind of resting and the dog wasn't cuddled up with him but it wasn't attacking him. It was pacing around, lying down, getting up. It was doing just perfectly calm dog things while this stranger was in his back yard, just chilling in broad view of everyone and not even shrouded in darkness. The owner had lights in the back. Bright ones. And the kid didn't give a fuck.

He didn't look at me, I just got creeped out went to bed and didn't sleep until about two hours later which had me half dead at school the next day.

This is the most /tg/ related one of these stories I have but shit like this happened a lot in my neighborhood growing up. You'd just see strangers in what was probably a boring day for them in just weird positions.

>>53053207
1)Divine Fist
2)Bone of st. Andrew
3)The Crusifix
4)Judas backstab
5)Pee-pee of the Holy See
6)The Trinity

>Having a good walk in the middle of the night
>hear faint rustling from nearby tree line
>turn my head and see a figure of a girl with a completely white face (some kind of clown make up) and vacant expression leaning on a tree
>nope the fuck out of there
Guess she was some shitty larper on drugs.

>>53039615
>In eastern Europe, inna big city on holiday with some friends.
>Arrive 12 hours before they do, since was travelling from different countries than them.
>At big central train station, trying to find this one fucking bus terminal, also the right machine for buying tickets out of a whole bank of them.
>Young looking guy inna tracksuit with a limp comes up to me, makes begging sounds in local language.
>Say I'm not a local, just look like it from ancestry, end up chatting a bit.
>Thought about politely brushing him off, then realised I actually needed help and there was a huge line at the information desk.
>He shows me the ticket machine, and the bus stop I needed, which was miles away from the station.
>Gave him like 5 euros equivalent for the help.
>At the start, he asked for money for a bus ticket, then he said it was for drugs, ended up asking if I wanted to join him.
>politely decline, shake his hand, we wished each other luck and I caught my bus.
Nice guy. He had those dot tattoos on his hand which I'm fairly sure are criminal, but he had like 5-6 dots instead of the standard 3

>Shithead kid in shitty middle school in shitty city in shitty state
>Get on shitty city bus with all the other shithead children, all talking up a storm and bitching because it's raining outside
>Get to talking with homeless guy who's relaxing on the bus nearby, always tried to chat with bus drivers/nice looking folks
>Biker gets on the bus
>Sorry
>Cyclist
>After putting his bi(cycle) in the front rack and walking in with his bright blue fluorescent spandex and bright blue helmet, moves to the back of the bus and starts loudly talking on the phone
>Yells at us "HEY YOU LITTLE SHITS, SHUT UP, I'M ON THE PHONE"
>Homeless guy calls back "HEY YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE, YOU AREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR PHONE"
>Cyclist starts stomping down
>Homeless man stands up
>Homeless man is easily six foot five and built as fuck, probably from existence in our shitty city
>Almost witness a fucking murder but my stop comes up and I have to hop off

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I work at a petrol station and have a fuck ton of these

>>53039615
I have one. Happened maybe 3 years ago.
>at a restaurant by the lake with family
>its early spring so there's barely no one outside
>I see a woman sitting on a bench, facing the lake, probably waiting for the next boat.
>She's lightly dressed for the season, even if it wasn't THAT cold
>family member asks me for the salt, give them.
>look back
>Woman is not there anymore, there is only a swan in front of the bench
I guess she probably left to avoid the swan (nasty motherfuckers) but damn she moved fast

I remembered one I had.
>Inna Wal-Mart
> looking for shitty cloth to make a shitty hat
>windy day, wearing ancient Korean War surplus trenchcoat
>Looking for sales person because the fabric section is utter shit
>while I'm standing around, a super sketchy guy walks up to me
>really tall, lanky, greasy hair, stubble face
>he leans over
>"H-hey man, that's a really cool coat"
>uh, thanks, man
>"t-that surplus?"
>uh yeah, Korean War if I remember
>"Sweet. Y-you know where I might, uh, get one of those?"
>Give him directions to a local surplus shop
Never saw him again. Hope you found your coat, bro.

>>53044128

This is quite awesome. Based.

>>53044128
>When the bard rolls to seduce a bird.

>>53044200
You just depicted half of the Slavs out there.

>>53047809
The man is a genious with advertising.

>pretend to be a nutjob as an excuse for giving business cards.

>>53044281
You're from Greece, could have told the old guy that you're Greek.

Old people do that at times, think logically.

>>53039615
>be me
>travel from family home to other city 100km away where I'm renting an appartment while I study
>forgotmyfuckingkeys.jpg
>decide to roam the city on public transport since I have nowhere to stay until someone delivers my keys
>sitting at the central tram station for a cup of tea
>suddently a wild gang of drugged up jailbait dressed in nothing but plastic trashbag walks past me while acting out scenes by Shakespeare.
>security guard and me both look equally confused at each other but do nothing
>two police officers come through 5 minutes later running after the brats

I also got molested by a female cop who wanted to arrest me for steroids which went nowhere after I passed the chem test at the station.

>>53050055
This is bretty gud. I approve.

>>53049816

I would have taken him up on the acid, man.
Though, I can understand your hesitation.

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Yesterday I got punk'd (that's pretty much what they called it) by a bunch of high-schoolers while I was shilling some energy bars at Wal-Mart.
>12 on Sense Motive, 4 on Perception
>stuck some random granola bars on my cart
>showed me a link to their video
>16 on Knowledge (Youtube)
>turns out they were causing trouble all over the store
>report to manager
>15 on Diplomacy
>social encounter cleared
Fuck those guys. The worst part is I was also shilling hiring positions for the marketing company and giving them advice on the art of salesmanship, so I may have screwed them out of a job that would set them straight.

>>53058375
if thats you, you seem like a sperg with a hyperactive imagination.
Maybe she was just a weirdo.

>had to go to australia for a year
>on the first day, fresh off the plane
>arrive at the studio I was renting
>there's no fucking mattress on the bed, no sheets and no pillows
>fuckthisshit.gif
>with a decidedly depressed look on my face, go out front to smoke a cig
>this dude comes along and asks me if I'm ok, presumably because I looked like utter shit, sitting on the curb
>fat asian dude in a tracksuit that looks like the living image of those chubby buddha statues, complete with radiant smile
>chat a bit and tell him about my troubles
>guy takes my hand and walks me to Ikea, about 2 miles from the house, walking on the strips of sidewalk between the freeways and running in the middle of speeding cars
>shows me what he deems the best items for my case, I follow his advice blindly at this point and buy whatever he says
>all the while chatting about spiritual stuff and how people should help each other and look around them
>finish shopping and exit Ikea
>there's a massive rainstorm outside
>he grabs one bag, gives me the second and puts one end of the mattress on top of his head (mattress was inside a plastic cover) and instructs me to do the same with the back end
>run the 2 miles back in the rain, somewhat shielded by the mattress we carry on our heads, laughing like retards
>finally get back to my place
>realize I didn't even catch his name
>"it's no big deal" he says. "I live just down the street but you won't be seeing me again" with the broadest smile humanly possible
>hugs me and walks away in the rain
>i stand there completely befuddled for a few minutes, then get in and proceed to dry my stuff
I still wonder ...

>>53053154
Das' beautiful.

>>53057566
5 means you've spent time in prison, assuming it was laid out like on a dice.

>>53060131
You were blessed, anon. Smile, be happy, tell the story. If you are spiritually inclined, maybe light a candle and say thanks now and then.

>>53060562
I didn't really think about it until now, when I was looking for a story to tell in this thread, but I think you might be right anon
I'll burn some ghost money and light a candle tonight

>>53060131
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE

>>53053154
Goddamn, I was just thinking about this set yesterday after reading some of the other caps here. Wanted to ask for it, but wound up doing other shit.

Thanks, anon, you're a hero today. Enjoy your weekend.

Oh, actually I have another one, we were also sort of the random encounter:
>be me
>18, legal drinking age
>best mate's gf just dumped him the previous day
>after a great couple days of skating and urbex, we decide to go clubbing
>phone the team
>buy some beers and a bottle of jaegermesiter
>9 jaegerbombs in 10 mins
>only just make it to the club
>munted, wearing loveheart glasses and bunny ears
>kicked out after 10 mins
>best mate comes with me to help look for water
>rap battles strangers for bottle of creaming soda
>disgust.avi
>I am lying in the middle of the road, barely conscious at this point
>smallish eastern european guy approaches us
>I am not small, best mate is 6'2" and gym boi
>"YOu FUCKIN AUSTRALIANS"
>puzzled.jpg
>"I FUCKIN HATE AUSTRALIANS"
>best mate: "Calm down Dmitri"
>apparently not all eastern european men are called Dmitri
>he punches my mate
>kicks me a few times in the ribs as I am on the floor, holding on to my fragile consciousness
>we implore him to calm down
>he does not
>third friend comes over
>gets headbutted thru his thicc afro
>out of nowhere, a HUGE black hummer pulls up
>like 8 guys inside
>"GET IN" in thick Russian accent
>Dmitri gets in
>o fuck
>we flee to another nightclub
>party for another few hrs
>friend almost lands a threesome with a gymnast
>Dmitri is now known as the god of minor conflict in our friend group

>>53060930
I read 'black hummer' as 'black hammer' and now I'm adding him as an NPC to my superhero setting.

>>53061973
excellent

>>53060390
Yeah it was like that.
Good to know, thanks anon

>>53044281
I have had an old Asian man with a French accent ask me if I was German.
I live in the US.

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>Senior year, when I wanted to smoke I would go for a walk to a nearby nature place
>Just going for a walk would be really out of character for me though, so I decide I've got the perfect excuse: I'll just take my python for a walk!
>For weeks, amble the streets high as balls with a big ass python on my shoulders
>The neighborhood children love me for it
>tfw I was the random encounter

>On mushrooms, going to a nature preserve with a non-high friend of mine
>As we walk into the preserve, an old man passes the other way
>Not just any old man, though
>Fat, dressed in either pajamas or workout clothes, crazy eyes, hair like he tried to do Rick's style from rick and morty IRL
>As we pass him he's making strange angry nonverbal gibbering noises that sound like Abe Simpson "yar be fu wheniwas a grgrgr" ect
>I verify with my non-tripping friend that this has, indeed, just happened
>Later on down the path we find a gigantic lizard, biggest I've ever seen in the wild, sitting next to a discarded and worn baby shoe
It's a really great preserve for random encounters, another time smoking on the preserve's mountaintop at night, my friends and I saw the silhouette of a man blowing another man.

>Two months ago in the Metro
>The wagon is filled to the brim yet there is some autistic kid squatting in the middle
>Suddendly, he pulls out a genuine luchador mask from his backpack and presses it against his face as if he was Rey Mysterio's son and his dad had died
>nobody gives a single fuck
>When the train arrives to its station the kid puts the mask back in the backpack, pulls out some green thing and starts chewing it before leaving

I still don't know what the fuck was going on

>>53044076
>Every black bear that casually approaches a human has learned from experience that they can't fight back

You better hope you have a cat to bail you out.

>be me
>15 year old nerd
>living in Brazil, coming back home from school
>slightly above average height, broad shoulders, kinda slim
>white as fuck
>black guy comes about and tries to sell me stuff
>puts his arms around me, grip way too strong
>notice some dude that doesn't look friendly trying to steal my wallet
>kick that dude, get rid of the grip
>start running
>don't even turn around
>hear car windows breaking besides me, the guys shot something
>run into this repair shop
>owner is this 60-year-old guy with a huge white beard that looks like a member of ZZ Top
>leather jacket, has some sick bikes
>"HELP! I'M BEING CHASED!"
>more glass windows break
>owner whips out a Magnum revolver, like the one Dirty Harry had
>takes aim behind this huge barrel of oil
>fires one shot and blows their gun away sending it flying
>thugs run away
>end up working in his shop for a few years as an act of gratitude

Dude was weird. Born in Poland, was in the US when the Vietnam War broke out, joined, married a Viet girl, both moved to Brazil later on for work reasons. He was the only old white guy in my mostly asian neighborhood. Had this repair shop. He ultimately was the grandfather figure I never had. When he passed away, I got about 5 thousand dollars from his inheritance.

I miss the bastard.

Here is one from when I was in the military:

>be lt out in some shithole post.
>platoon randomly drawn to empty the septic systems
>this meant driving out to a clearing, dumping the tanks from a weeks or so worth of fecal matter and then burning it.
>literal shit detail
>we get out there and set up security no issue, everything going smoothly.
>awakentheraptor.avi
>loud as fuck hissing and scream com from the crevice we were bur ing from
>flaming monster jumps out of the pit and lands on the poor basterd next to the tanks. He understandably freaks out and starts screaming
>pissed of creature is flailing and flinging flaming shit everywere
> i begin laughing out of panic and tell the guy to throwi it off
>beast jumps of and keeps screaming, bites another one of my guys and sets his acu on fire.
> psg comes out of no were with shovel.
>nat20 on swing
>lizard goes flying and is knocked on ground
> psg runs over and cleaves off its head in one swing
> hose it down to realize it was a afgan moniter, was probably just sleeping were we dump the shit
Two men out for a week from burns and making sure no infections.

All in all hilarious incounter that probably lasted only a few mins but holy hell was I dying

>>53062624
This sounds like a biopic that needs making.

>be in high school
>just going on my way to class
>open door to hallway
>its empty except for a girl crying
>she suddenly sees me and asks me to help her find her contact on the floor
>I take a quick glance around
>suddenly a guy comes outta nowhere
>he starts insulting her and throws money at her for some reason
>I just walk back to class

I still have no idea what the fuck that was about.

>>53043634
>turns 360 degrees
So.. It continued straight ahead?

>>53063088
I know his sons are trying to track down the entirety of their father's life to write a biography, but he had plenty of stories.

>getting ambushed by Vietcong and escaping because they thought he was a double agent
>getting out of Poland as a kid with his family after smuggling several jews to the US
>while in the US he drove 50 miles in his motorbike after the tire completely burst out so it was going straight against the metal
>moving to Brazil but going back to the US every year thanks to the jews wanting him to make a speech there
>had a Gadsden flag hoisted up in the back of his repair shop, was bisexual
>somehow had the biggest collection of VHS anime I've ever seen
>got me into BBW

Other than the inheritance, he got the jewish community that held him as a savior to pay for about 50% of my scholarship here in the US.

I miss him.

>>53063416
>that spoiler
Story?
Did he have a wife/gf?

>>53058859
Congrats, you had a first hand encounter with /k/

>>53063416
One day I will make a film about this great great man.

>Hot June afternoon in midwest
>Sitting on the front porch with buddy
>Beat up old truck pulls up in front of our place
>Gray haired man with leathery skin gets out
>"Hey there fellas, could I bother you for a minute"
>Sure buddy
>Tells us his story about traveling through the states selling his goods
>The pickup is full of crates of California oranges
>Asks us if we know where to get some weed
>Sure come inside.
>We smoke him up
>Other roommate comes upstairs. Sees strange man sitting in on our couch
>Loudly asks "Who the fuck is this?"
>"I'm the fruit guy" old man replies
>"Yea the fruit guy, duh"
> Hang out for a bit
>We trade him a bit more grass for a crate of Oranges and he moves on his way.

So long fruit guy. Those were some fantastic oranges you grew.

>Go to work night out when mate gets totally hammered
>Try to get him into taxi but no one will stop for the man covered in vomit
>Bar closes so me and two friends decide to carry him home
>Mate's place is an hour walk, should be grand
>so our party sets off
>didn't factor for him trying to run off into the night, walk takes 3 hours
>we finally get to the mate's house tired, sobered up and pretty pissed at mate
>he opens door and goes face first into floor
>the noise alert's mates neighbours
>We get mate onto sofa and close the door as neighbours come out accusing us of trying to get into their house "for their stash"
>try to calm things until take in what is happening
>the 3 men were all wearing white vests and white briefs
>each had a weapon: Half a pool cue, the handle of a sword and a pint glass with beer still in it
>all clearly high as fuck
>it is 4am and I'm too sober for this
>nope the fuck out, get the two friends to come with and hop into a taxi that just happen to pass by
>I swear to never drink with that mate again

My mate doesn't remember anything from that night. A week later, the police raid the neighbour and find a few hundred thousand euros worth of drugs and illegal weapons so I rolled lucky on that encounter

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>>53063787
>"I'm the fruit guy" old man replies
>"Yea the fruit guy, duh"
I don't know why I laughed so hard at this.

>>53063787
Same friend plus some others
>In Minneapolis for the weekend
>Late night after a concert
>Walking through dumpy downtown area to a pizza place
>Suddenly a black man appears
>Chatting at us. Insists my friend shake his hand.
>He had enough sense not to. Politely declines.
>Strange hand shake man goes crazy
>Yelling all this nonsense at our group of 7
>"You fucks don't know who you're dealing with"
>"I'm the hardest mother fucker straight from Miami!"
>"Everyone knows me. I'm the Hurricane!"
>Nope Nope Nope
>We all leave the Hurricane proclaiming his greatness in the middle of the street.

>>53063598
Yeah, the woman from Vietnam. Really kind old lady. The spoiler story is actually related to the story of how I lost my virginity.

>be me, 17 year old nerd
>actually autistic
>wanna go to the US for college
>live in weird Japanese-Italian neighborhood, I blame that as the reason why I've something for asian chicks and why I'm kind of a weeb
>working in the office shop, set up computer system, old man really gets hyped about it, helps me automate the entire shop with several Raspberry Pi computers
>his granddaughter starts coming to the place, we talk, she's a nice girl
>wears baggy clothes, listens to The Cure and Ride, pale as hell, really nerdy too, glasses, half-asian
>start to develop something for her
>old man tells me she's into me
>oh fuck here we go
>ask her out on a date
>decide to cook for her, my secret skill
>she shows up in a kinda tight dress
>T H I C C is an understatement
>holy fuck she's hot
>10/10 pear shape
>she's actually an aspie too
>we start dating for real
>one day Jan (the old man) asks if I like fat girls
>what_on_earth.png
>"yeah kinda"
>dude guides me through the wonderful world of BBW fetishes
>turns out my gf likes gaining
>you_wonderful_bastard.txt
>start having more dates, get better at cooking, she piles on the pounds
>she's also moving to the US to study, same college
>day for travelling arrives, we're both in our hotel room to get some sleep
>decide to finally have sex
>11/10 huge pale asian booty
>she farts in my face during sex and we discover a fart fetish
>still dating her to this day

tl;dr the later years of my adolescence involved an old man who basically made me who I am

Happened to a friend, but still:
>Russia
>Around the time Ukraine conflict turned into proper civil war and people started pulling in for some merc money
>sitting in a local train out of Moscow
>some weird dude is walking around the wagon asking where the train is going or if he can get some cigarets in VERY broken russian
>eventually asks friend
>friend decided to try his luck and talk to him in english
>dude surprisingly enough responded in relatively cohesive manner
>still seemed way off
>gave him a cig and tried to converse
>turns out dude is in full on shell shock mode
>his name was Jack (or Jim can't remeber now) and he is from somewhere in Nevada
>apperently he and his friend for whtever reason decided to do some merc jobs, not sure for which side though
>in the first week his whole group including said friend is blown to shit by arty fire
>only 3 survive including the guy
>after that he just said fuck it and hightailed to Russia, because he knew some people here who could get him home
>his entire russian vocabulary constsed of: guts, gunfire, cigarete, train and couple common phrases
>friend left him at the station this guy knew about

No idead what happened to poor bastard

>>53064282
>spoiler
Haha oh god, well man I'm glad you're happy. I'm envious, even.

>go take acid in the woods with my friend
>Wandering around taking it all in
>Hear some yelling in the distance
>Little flashes of people running through the trees
>Sneak up and look around a tree
>Bunch of people dressed up in old clothes talking with swords
>Shakespeare outdoors?
>They see us behind the trees
>Turns out they are larpers
>Walk away laughing uncontrollably

>>53064444
I'm not proud of that but we both enjoy and outside of the bed we're both respectable human beings, so...

>>53064500
People can be ridiculous to each other and amusing and it's all great, don't worry about it.

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>At nature reserve with friend
>Playing Pokemon Go because I don't give a fuck
>Dratini spawns
>"Look anon, a Dratini!"
>We both catch it
>A guy walking past hears us
>Asks if we're playing Pokemon Go
>Say yes
>He proceeds to tell us the game is part of a giant conspiracy involving chemtrails and politicians to mind control the population
>He leaves
>Still catch my rare Pokemon

>>53041848

It's a problem because he has black/arab IQ and can't think of such sensisble solutions.

>>53064781
Why would you go out of your way to help an ungrateful asshole? "Sensible solution"? More like being a submissive, servile bitch.

>>53064683
He's just mad because all he finds are Rattata

>>53039763
And so due to rampant liberal fearmongering this lady never got back her phone.

Thanks obama.

>>53065167
Hey, if you want people to work with you, there's this thing called "respect"

Do unto others and all that nonsense

>>53044128
Wait Rico means boy? Don't you guys use that for a name? What the fuck.

>>53064500
Hey man, the dick wants what it wants. As long as everybody on the ride wants to be there do whatever the fuck you like. Also, damn jelly of that ass. I don't know when I became an ass man, but it sure as hell happened.

>>53053207
Longinus. He'll pierce more than your side

>>53065269
Nino is boy, Rico is tasty or rich

>>53055313
>>53055258
>>53054778
>>53054658
Either way, he was min maxed to hell

>>53047747
>oh yeah baby I'm just gonna go help her with her "panic attack"

You need to come up with better excuses for when you wanna go and see your side piece anon.

Good job trying to save those birds though.

>>53065444
Oh, thanks.

>>53048388
Do any of you guys honestly believe that any of these mythical luddites actually exist? I seriously doubt there's anyone out there who really does just go "TECHNOLOGY BAD! WE GO BACK MEDIEVAL TIMES!". Well I guess anarcho-primitivists do, and a bit more, but fuck them.

>>53062524
If that was in Toronto or Carolina, that may have been me high on pneumonia...

>>53052817
Why did she randomly show up to your house? Of all the stories in this thread that aren't true this is the one that's the least true, I believe the skinwalker one over this, it was more believably written.

>>53064282
>gaining and thick to start
I thought it was a myth!
lucky

>>53065492
What's his dump stat/s?

>>53066165
I was more surprised by finding a thick asian girl to start, the gaining bit was icing on the cake.

>>53066782
How much icing did you put on her cake?

I mean it both literally and in whatever dirty manner you can imagine

>>53067164
I'd say plenty, we've been together for about two to three years now and she's gained about thirty to forty pounds, I think.

As for the kinky shit, I think she might actually drain my balls dry before I reach 35, she looks sexy even without trying while we're at home, she bought intentionally smaller home clothes just for the attractiveness factor, she seduces me without even trying, it's not fair being hard whenever I'm home

>>53065867
the whole luddite thing goes back to trying to stop machines taking jobs from real people, it i no different now when people get all up in arms about automation in factories, then of course you get crazy assholes who think all tech is evil

>Sitting in a side room in a pub on my little bro's 18th
>All of a sudden two randos burst in
>Swarthy heavily drunk italian metalhead called Giovanni, can only understand half of what he says.
>Other man wearing more than one hat and carrying components for a shower like they're a wizard's staff. We never got his name, but he seemed like he was on coke or something. Still somehow the more coherent of the two.

We hung out with them for a couple hours, drinking like fish and talking about basically everything under the sun. And then they just wandered off somewhere...

>>53066782
>>53066782
How did you bring up gaining, and how do a chick is into it?

>>53043634
>not learning that your pet is just carnivorous prey

>>53044076
Weird but true. I used to live in the country and on three separate occasions my cat chased bears away from the house. Black bears are scared shitless of cats

>>53067820
She brought it up.

>"anon, do you think I'm fat?"
>"kinda?"
>"d-do you like it?"
>is_this_shitty_erotica.gif
>"y-yeah"
>"me too"

It was weird, autists in love leads to weird situations. I like cooking, she likes eating both in quantity and in quality. It's kind of natural, really.

As for how is a chick into it, I've no idea.

>>53047478
she looks like danny filth

>>53067811
What you talk about?

>>53040292
did it work?

>>53062418
Probably Vietnamese. France used to rule it as a colony until the 50's or so, and the way Germany ass-blasted them in WWII is part of why they couldn't maintain their hold on the country.

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>~2002
>be 14 waiting for school bus around 6:30am
>notice a woman from the shitty apartment building across the street is walking directly towards me
>she proceeds to cross the 5 lane intersection
>looks to be mid 40's wearing ratty jeans and a black tank top, hair like its never been brushed
>talking into a cordless phone and smoking a cigarette
>she walks right up to me
>I start shitting bricks because she is clearly strung out on something
>"They wanted you to have this"
>pulls an object out of her pocket and hands it to me
>its a Van Halen cassette tape
>she walks back across the street without saying another word and goes back inside

pic related. I can't bring myself to toss it.

>>53068521
Have you listened to it?

>>53068345
Music, girls, comic books, life, far off places they'd been, sketchy times and crazy parties that sort of thing.

>>53068521
Nope. I had it in my backpack and forgot about it until the end of that school year when I was cleaning it out.
Wasn't going to go out and buy a cassette player for this random thing so I just tossed it into a box of high school souvenirs.

I have one.

I was at college a few years ago in january and the snow had mostly melted and it was just slush. I had thrown on my sandals that day because I didn't have any other shoes at the time. Some guy stops me at the sink in the bathroom and said "hey, aren't your feet cold?" And I said "kinda, but what am I gonna do?" The guy tells me he is going to help me and then leaves. About three hours later he shows up and hands me a new pair of shoes. He tells me "moma says not to lose this pair." Then turns and walks away. I have never seen him again.

>>53069213
What a swell guy.

>>53062570

This is accurate, bears associate certain traits with danger.

Start screaming /k/ memes and bears run for the hills. True story, I live in Maine and it happened to me.

>>53069213
Awkward
I have plenty of shoes but I often just wear sandals in winter due to lazy, it's no colder than going without gloves so long as you stay dry.

Also how did he know your shoe size

And why were you in a bathroom for 3 hours? Or did the guy know you from a class and gave you the shoes elsewhere?

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>>53069322
just look at the bear sideways, black bears are the giant pussies of the forest

pic related is maybe 6 feet from my front door.
when i opened it the bear just looked at me and ran the fuck off

>it isn't huge but they have no business being that large and still able to run silently through thick brush

>>53069451
why does that bear seem to be a portal to hell

>>53069561
i took that picture through the window in the door, my camera wouldn't focus very well.

that is a glare from a lamp off a table or something reflected in the window.

this was the second or third time it showed up and it wouldn't hang around for me to take the shot if i opened the door

>>53052913

The Irish weren't always ALL about potatoes. At one time, there was cattle-rustling too.

>>53043767
Have you told this story on here before? I'm getting crazy déjà vu.

>>53063384
It's a maymay you dolt

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>>53064282
You lucky bastard.

I swear to God I have some sort of hobo magnet attached to me. Maybe it's because I'm a nice looking college-age white guy, but fucking every time someone is asking for money they ask me.
Most of the time I give in because it's either my bleeding heart, I can't think of an excuse, or I think the dude's going to jump me if I don't give them 'gas money' or whatever.
If there's any justice in this world, some of them were telling the truth. Oh well, I guess that's what I traded in for my inexplicable retail luck.

>>53048392
Ah, what a creative use of a self-driving car.

>>53048388
That is almost the exact plot of a VN I'm writing, like holy shit.

>>53039615
>Be me, 21
>On my way home from club/bar/place to go to get drunk
>All my friends have already gone home, last man leaving at about 03:00 am
>Fucking manlet walks up to me
>I'm a tad below avg height at 179cm, he's atleast a head shorter
>Starts asking if I know Thomas, answer "no"
>Gets agitated and says he's going to punch me in the face if I say no
>Rationalthinking.exe
>Answer no again, get punched in the face
>Ain'tnothinggonnabreakmystride, keep walking not acknowledging him, light a cig
>He awkwardly asks for one, apologizes and then skitters off into the night

>be me, circa 2013
>taking my old dogbro on our late night walk
>it's summer break from college and I've kinda become nocturnal from staying up all night playing vidja, but it suits dogbro because he gets spooked when there's other dogs around
>walking down a long dark road, trees thick on both sides
>notice there's about five consecutive lampposts broken
>well this is fine
>dogbro puts his tail between his legs and starts padding along really delicately
>stop to see if he's okay
>turn around
>there's a fox standing in the middle of the road staring at us
>shrug and keep walking, don't hear fox move
>dog is still 200% spooked
>look over shoulder
>fox is closer to us even though we walked 20 feet
>stare at it for a second
>dog doesn't even notice the fox is there (usually he'd go berserk at the first sign) but is 300% spooked
>keep walking, picking up the pace
>glance over shoulder
>fox is CLOSER
>decide to take dogbro for a little jog because I have no idea how foxes function and don't want either of us to get attacked and get rabies
>get to the stretch of road with working lampposts
>hear hideous fox banshee screech right behind us
>dog starts barking furiously, 400% mad, couple lights in surrounding houses come on
>silhouette of the fox barely visible stood in the same spot it was when I first saw it, unmoving

>mfw the captcha is street lights

>>53074203
Sounds like what a kitsune would do.

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Shot quality photo but
>be 14
>become a level 1 ranger
>tfw this was 11 years ago

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>working nights in a 7Eleven in the "interesting" part of town
>wild eyed woman comes in with blood all over her face and some on her bandaged hands asks to use the toilet
>tell her we don't have a customer toilet
>she goes to hang at the slushie machines and i serve other customers
>bloodied woman leaves
>collegue goes to check the slushie machines
>blood and slushie all over the place
>late night sitting alone
>Indian looking homeless guy comes in
>he's fucking Canadian
>in Denmark
>says he's lived 500 years and will probably live 500 more
>he hurt his head long ago and it messed him up
>he gave away 14 billion in mexico
>"they" are out to get him and they hurt him but he would have the last laugh
>looking for a place to die
>"they" said it was gonna happen in 2021 but it would actually happen in 2030
>the stars would align and the secret database monitoring the constellations would delete itself
>also well versed in finance, politics and education
>gave him my lunch because he looked hungry
>3-4 different guys come in with messed up hands from punching windows or getting knifed by negros
>bloody faces are common
>so are cocaine smeared faces
>buff guys comes in a dumps a bunch of cellphones and shit on the counter
>tells me to hide them
>tell him it's against store policy
>he keeps doing
>tell him to leave
>taxi driver and regular comes in
>buff guy calls me a girl and decks me
>took me a second to reminds myself it was okay not to be service minded and stop thinking of him as a customer even after he punched in a sort of internal "oh right, it's okay to be pissed"
>taxi driver tells him to fuck off
>tells me that he knows the guy, that he carries a gun and is a cop

cont

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>>53074519
>local guy comes in
>wants to loan 1000 dkk roughly 147 dollars for a "deal" because he had to dump his stash to avoid the cops
>tell him i can't
>he wants to leave his gun in insurance
>bald crazy looking guy comes in
>mumbles to himself all the time
>can't tell if he's talking to me or himself
>tells me i'm a psycho
>"you just wanna kill us all, don't you? i know what you're up to, you're all fucking psychoes"
>local schizo woman comes by and hangs out for hours
>sometimes shows up at 7 in the morning and doesn't leave before 5 in the morning
>talks about the man with the white eyes
>he's a psycho and an asshole
>keeps tapping her finger on foot
>just smokes and drinks coffee while she's there
>writes cryptic notes about passerbys
>sometimes stands out front yelling at people
>on average a cokehead will have done nothing but do cocaine without sleeping for four days becomes to stops by
>at which point he will be unable to stand the fuck still and his eyes will be all over the fucking place
>it will also take him about 15 minutes to put his pants back on
>african pushers and prostitutes are some of my most reliable and trustworthy customers
>frequently chase down and wrestle junkies and gypsies

Feeling like an NPC in a WoD campaign fucking sucks balls.

>>53069404
I wrote in a bit of a hurry and left some things out. He asked my shoe size, and I looked at him funny but told him, and the he left. He gave me the shoes 3 hours later across campus near the library. Not sure how he found me.

>>53065269
No. Niño means boy in Spanish. Adjectives come after the noun they modify.

But even if the word for boy also was a name that still wouldn't be any weirder than names like Hope or Patience in English speaking countries, or the Swedish name like Karl which means man.

>>53044076
Reason why I rule owlbears scare off even tarrasques. Regen or no, predator instincts kick in and getting hurt by something that don't give a shit is too much to handle.

>get out of the train and walk towards the parking lot
>notice alot of cops on the trainstation
>walk past one of them, he gives me a weird look and calls something in
>suddenly surrounded by 5 of them
>they look ready for action, hands on their guns
>notice more cops appearing behind me with weapons drawn
>they ask for my identification, which I give
>they search my bag find nothing except underwear and some DnD stuff
>after checking my identification they let me go but they start sweeping the train station like madmen

Still don't know what that was all about, there was not a single mention of it anywhere in the news or something.

>me a few months ago
>walking to class
>pass bus stop
>deaf guy approaches
>starts gesturing with a little sign language booklet
>holds it towards me, trying to sell it
>give him 5 bucks for it and go on my way
>look back to see him waving to me
>thumbs up and keep going

Dont know where he is now but I still have the booklet somewhere around here. Convinced it's some karmic good luck charm. Godspeed you deaf merchant bastard.

>>53055424
Yes, and we would all be Diogenes if we could.

>>53063384
Welcome, new friend.

>>53044241
Fucking magpie cunts.

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>>53044281

Reminds me that at a transfer student mixer at uva I got asked where I was from by a nice afro-caribbean looking girl (as in regular american accent but looked kinda black-brown mix). I assumed she meant university wise so I explained how I got to UVA. She clarified she meant country wise because, I quote verbatim, "You look Ethnic". I'm a regular white burger with ancestry from Scotland/France/Germany/a bit of Russian Jew. Look spookily like Oscar wilde or Daron Malakian (And then some fast food girl, also black, said I looked remarkably like Paul mcCartney. Though it's not just black girls because Greek-descended American girl in highschool who loved oscar wilde got a crush on me, and then the guy who said I looked like Daron was just average white american).

Never offended when it happens but it was amusingly odd to be the white guy getting 'carded' in the "What foreign country are you from".

>>53062624
Sounds like Brazil has some crazy people

>>53041848
I'd have taken it to the bathroom and dunked it. Solely because they opted to address me like that.

>>53074949
What country?

>Alone in the train, coming back from the capital after visiting my friend
>Sitting in the corridor because every seat is taken
>A group of 3 rather big and mostly bald teenagers approach me and sit next to me, introduce themselves
>Another single person, a lanky blonde guy in glasses wearing a suit also sits next to us
>We drink vodka and smoke pot in the toilet
And that is how an IT engineer, a group of farmers travelling to watch an MMA match and a pianist had a good time

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>be about 16
>mum decides that it would be a good idea to let a spanish guy stay over for an exchange trip
>happily agree. We had one from Madrid before and he was cool as fuck
>new guy is from Barcalona
>understandably has hate for Madrid, but really it's just football club banter
>cool as fuck like the last guy
>take him to a nearby beach for a walk, see the sights, learn the language of our people ect
>we come across a washed up DVD case, open and empty
>thefuckisthis.jpg
>pick it up and look at it's cover
>it's a fucking lesbian porn movie
>tfw me and some spanish kid came across an empty spank flick someone threw out (we reckoned he kept the disc for "research")
>we never told my parents, for obvious reasons

That's about the most random thing I've seen washed up on a beach, apart from the usual slew of junk and dead animals

>Pull some nighttime overtime, getting off at 2:30am
>3 mile walk to work
>About 2 blocks from my apartment a white van pulls up next to me
>Literally 2 feet next to me
>Door swings open, I think I'm about to be abducted, jump up and away from it all
>Men get out and walk across street, van pulls up directly in front of me
>Cross street to avoid
>So does the driver and and another passenger
>Completely surrounded

They walk into their homes snickering at my paranoia as I once again duck and weave

>>53059297
>>53044476
Kek I am not actually greek, that's just an /int/ meme

>>53074269
I could believe it, but I live in a boring ass bit of northern England.

>>53075720
Sounds like the fey folk

>>53075731
I could believe it, but I live in the urban centre of a shitty old shipbuilding town.

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>>53070791
Honestly even if she wasn't on the painfully thicc side of things she'd be an incredible girl.

>really smart
>incredibly honest
>good taste in music
>likes vidya for real, is actually good at vidya
>also autistic so we have these moments where we're both in silence doing nothing and it's ok
>kind of a weeb too
>very independent but works better with me
>the perfect mix of Japanese, Vietnamese, Italian and Polish genes all mixed up into one qt
>glasses which are hnnnnnnnng
>extremely sweet
>very responsible
>really short, like 155cm
>actually likes me for all the autistic stuff I do like talk to myself in German when I'm overstressed
>we're both libertarians

The painfully thicc side of things just seals the deal.

>tfw her thighs are getting big enough to start rubbing when she walks and to start hanging out of the chair when she sits down
>tfw she wants to do a T H I C C Megumin cosplay

I think that of all the good stuff the old man brought onto me, she's the greatest.

>>53075947
>5 feet
>30-40 pounds gained
Shit dude that's a lot.

>>53075997
Well he did say he liked BBW, not just chubby girls

>>53075947
>autistic
>libertarians
You didn't have to write the second line, buddy!

Are you making sure to keep her healthy, at least? Gaining without working out is bad for your longevity and well being.

>>53076025
I don't think the I was hit with the full impact until he mentioned her height.

>>53076051
Yeah, I dated a girl that height and 40 pounds was probably half of her body weight.

tfw I'm 6'2"
tfw she still had a THICC butt

>>53043767
Anon have you considered a career in druiding?

>6 years ago
>be 16 year old shithead stoner
>minding my own business, rolling a doob in a subway car
>get accosted by half a dozen arab wastoids asking for a joint
>stupid as I am, give them a chunk of hash
>guy throws the chunk away and asks for a bigger one
>start gettig mad at him for throwing away my hash
>kick him in the nuts
>instantly jumped by all of them, pinned to the ground and kicked from all angles
>they saw I had tucked my hash baggie in my sock, took my shoe off and stole what I had left
>run away leaving me bloody and in pain
>even took the one I had rolled, but didn't take anything (thankfully)
>all around people act like nothing happened because people are shit I guess
>some other older stoner-looking guy comes up to me and pulls me up to my feet, checks if I'm okay and tells me he knows them and knows where they likely went
>tell him I'm done with this shit I ain't gonna fight them for a few doobs
>we smoke from his own shit, pain susbsides and he keeps insisting that justice be served
>agree to go along with him
>keep in mind that I'm a small man, 1m70 and he was easily 1m90 and while not buff, clearly very strong
>as advertised, he brings me to a public park where the shitstains are enjoying my hash
>he takes off his belt and runs up to them, starts whipping the shit out of them with the buckle, clearly very experienced with this
>the other guys didn't even land a single blow and in under 2 minutes they had all fled, most of them bloody at the face and hands
>he picks up the half smoked joint they were smoking and we finish it together
It was the sweetest toke of my life, even though it tasted like dirt
Saw him a couple more times and then he changed phones I guess, lost contact
I think I got bailed out by a DMPC

>>53043767
Best thing you coulda done actually. Worst thing to do is try to get away from or act scared of a predator, shows um ur food. Acting crazy probably confused it.

>>53068399
Thankfully I used my "Nerd" Disadvantage and that plot thread collapsed after a few months. Besides, I really don't want to be an exploding car's collateral.

>>53039615

>knock on my front door at night
>go down and open it
>man there, clearly agitated
>"mate, I need to come in"
>not a chance in hell that's happening
>"seriously, I can't do this outside"
>right... fuck off, ta
>"just take these!"
>hands me a carrier bag and runs away
>bag contains a pack of radishes, a single spoon, two crumpled mother's day cards, a book about sharks, some hairspray, nail clippers, a rusty coin, one sock, and a note talking about some shitty church nearby
>keep the bag of random shit for a while, expecting crazy guy to pick it up
>start getting weirded out by it all
>two weeks later, middle of the day, decide to just take the bag to this church
>don't stop, just open my window and drop it at the gate as I pass
>carrying on a bit
>pass an old man on the side of the road who bows at me
>floor it and get the fuck out of dodge
>never been back and never seen the guy again

I basically live in a magical fantasy land filled with all sorts of random degenerates.

Tale of the Golden Man:
>went for a couple of drinks with some buds
>take the bus home at like 3pm because I'm also a degenerate
>everything seems to be going fine
>and then I notice the guy sitting behind the driver
>he was sprayed gold, head to toe, wearing a top hat, a vest, and a pair of slacks but no shirt for some reason
>being slightly intoxicated, I decide to talk to him
>turns out that was a horrible mistake, he just made random kazoo noises and slightly robot danced until I left, silently

Tale of The Duct-Tape Wizard
>for some reason, the bus is a nexus for insanity
>one day, as I was riding the bus to work, I saw a guy in full wizard garb
>he had an elaborate pointy wizard hat made out of felt, and a long cape that looked like some sort of bizarre quilt
>think nothing of it, continue on my way
>see him again a couple weeks later, this time he has a different hat and a different cape
>notice his cape is duct taped along the edges
>the next time I see him, his entire cape is duct-taped, as is his hat
>he's duct-taped elaborate stars and moons in multiple colours on his quilt
>suddenly, someone else hops on the bus, looked like a homeless person
>the duct taped wizard stands up, pulls a giant "staff" read: literal branch from a tree from beneath his quilt and starts shaking it menacingly
>the whole event ended with police getting called and the duct taped wizard leaving in handcuffs

Tale of the Camouflaged Man
>at my job, this guy comes in wearing head to toe camo
>always different types and assortments, though there is no where to really hunt in costco
>he has pink camo, blue camo, forest camo, digital camo, like 10 different patterns
>I guess he was getting married because he showed up to my work to eat samples in a full camo tux, complete with camo top hat and camo cane

>>53062493
>a nearby nature place
You the outdoors, anon?

>>53062716
reminds me of a short but related story
>out on exercises
>been camped out for a few days
>mate is sent to fill in the shit hole when we are leaving
>he some how decides the easy way would be to throw in a practice grenade
>hear a little whump followed by screaming in horror
>friend is covered in a weeks worth of rancid MRE shit
And that is how I know that retarded PC plans can really happen

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>>53076882
>turns out that was a horrible mistake, he just made random kazoo noises and slightly robot danced until I left, silently
For some reason, that's really unsettling

>>53077034
That's a street performer you idiot. He was on his way to a good spot with a lot of tourists / people. Decided to try to get a donation from OP now that he was approached.

>>53068848
But how will you know what they wanted you to hear?

>>53045109
You missed the adventure hook

>>53077054
>>53077034
See, if I was in a big city, I wouldn't be particularly surprised. I don't have a comparable analogy for foreigners, but I live in the last vestiges of human civilization before you hit northern Ontario. It's a bizarre blend of rich pretentious fucks going to the local university/their cottage, literal detroit-style crack addicts and people with guns, combined with moderately well off fart dumb hicks. For example, I live a 10 minute walk from down town, and I see prostitutes literally on the street corner by the sketchy 7/11, I have to dodge needles in the streets, and I was a witness to a multiple murder just because I went outside for a smoke. You hear about people dying all the time, and all my co-workers laugh about it because they know I live right in the heart of darkness. A full riot squad raided a known drug house and took MILLIONS of dollars of assault rifles, like two blocks away from my house. I was driving home and there was a road block, which I assumed was a murder, until I saw the police with big guns taking aim at something. We play a game called "gunshots or fireworks" and how it works is, you gamble on whether a loud bang is a gunshot or fireworks by how soon the police to show up.To top it all off, I live right beside an apartment building filled with university students who have no idea any of this is going on, and they all drive expensive cars like morons.

Why in god's green fuck was a street performer in my city?

>>53076882
The golden man was a street performer.
You fuckin nerds, I swear.
"magical fantasy land" my ass

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>>53077054
>>53077197
What I just gathered is that in some countries, silent golden robot dancing kazoo people are a common occurrence. Where do you live? Why don't you fight back against their unspeakable tyranny?

>>53077188
>"gunshots or fireworks"
Where I am we play something similar called "Butcher, BBQ, pork" where there is a bet every time you hear a siren as to if it is ambulance, fire truck or cops. Right on a main road in a shitty part of town, so you hear them all the time and they nearly always go past us.

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>>53075997
She was already actually chubby in the first place. IIRC she's past 100kg/220 lbs now. Might be past 110 kg by now, actually.

She's the reason I started working out; mostly so I could hold her by the ass and lift her up even as she got fatter.

>>53076036
>mfw

Yeah, we've been making sure she's still healthy. Doesn't eat many fatty foods, just eats a lot. Still does some running to keep her organism in check. For all we both want to see her grow, we also want to be together for a long time and for her to actually be able to live a normal life.

Yeah, that's the downside of this ordeal. Constant medical visits and the like. Doctors always think her health situation would be a lot worse than what it actually is.

>>53077242
Street performers can be found in any large European city.

>>53077337
I would consider listening to the doctors if I were you. 155cm and 110kg is not going to be doing her any favours.

>>53053246
You encountered a ranger with animal companion, a cleric who's seen some shit, and a barbarian who has grown accustomed to civilization

>>53077442
They're saying she's doing alright. Could afford to lose some weight to minimize chances of issues in the future, but ultimately her health is actually doing better than mine (even though I care a lot about it but my lungs are just a wreck by nature).

Ultimately the moment it starts compromising her health we'll pull out all measures available, life together is more important than our guilty pleasures.

>>53066560
His dad is the DM, he doesn't need a dump stat. Probably metagames like crazy too.

>>53048225

Did you catch that ludicrous display last night?

>>53078175
The problem with Arsenal is that they always try to walk it in.

I've had two different occasions when I stumbled across some random cat in my house. First time I heard a cat yowling its head off from the closet, and when I opened it discovered that not only had the poor thing gotten itself trapped, but it wasn't even my cat. Second time I was looking for my cat, discovered it frightened and hiding in a dresser, then upon further examination realized it was an entirely different cat.

I swear the little fuckers teleport.