Greentext stories

No one else keen on story time?

>>52826926
I'm reading but don't have anything that isn't posted in every thread

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Here's some fresh stuff from last week.

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>>52826732
How long's it been since the last screencap thread? Two or three days tops? Let the field lie fallow for a bit.

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>>52827073

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>>52827091

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>>52827109

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>>52827124

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>>52827139
And that's the batch, please resume your usual repost schedule.

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>>52827073
>>52827091
>>52827109
>>52827124
>>52827139
>>52827158
TL;DR

This is just self indulgent crap. Link the threads and be done with it. You are as bad as the guy that posted all of Crab-anon's crap the other day.

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>>52827193

>>52827045
Alright I'll bite, what the fuck?

>>52827193
Bullshit.

>>52827193
>greentext thread
>should not post greentext
No, fag, choke on dick to death pls.

>>52827193
Nay

>>52827279
No seriously what the fuck

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>>52827193
Here's a real TLDR for you.

>>52827575
In the vein of this, does anyone have the one that was the warlock in a game with magical girls?

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>>52827611

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>>52827611

This goofy thing?

>>52827045
but why

>Playing Fallout homebrew
>Roll up sentient deathclaw that's extra stunty, focus heavily on stealth
>Slum it up underneath the Vault the party is calling home.
>Make a living scaring maintenance workers and stealing any food they leave behind.
>Eventually the party runs afoul of the Overseer, seeks refuge in the lower levels
>Party medic encounters me while taking a nap underneath a pile of rocks.
>Mixture of horror and curiosity is the first reaction. At least she didn't shoot me on first sight.
>Get in good with the party as a guide, hunting food for them, helping them avoid hazards, and brutally mauling any fauna that gets too close.
>It was at this point the DM noticed I had the Wild Wasteland trait
>Opened a whole new story line, involving star goddess and ancient demons, based off a native legend about the site of the Vault.
>I become a paladin, complete with holy smiting and lay on hands, which became stronger the higher my karma was.
>Quickly became the single nicest monster in the Wasteland. Still remained the whirling blender of stealthy death, but only after peace was tried
>Eventually we battled our way through the Vault, killing possessed guards, Lovecraftian horrors from beyond the veil, and a shoggoth pretending to be the Overseer.
>Final battle was ontop of the Vault's mountain, against avatars of the four horsemen.
>Beat the fuck out of all of them, although most of us nearly died in the process.
>Made a sweet suit of armor out of War.
>Thus ended the first arc, and an end to the super natural craziness. Mostly. We did about five more story arcs before the DM felt we had "won" at Fallout.

>>52827690
Yes thank you! I wish there'd been more from that anon.

>>52827687
I know, it's not a real greentext, just something that was posted in an All Guard Party thread when someone asked for a summary of the story so far. I don't know why I saved it.

>>52827791
That sounds like deliciously silly fun.

>>52827860

It was. As the party freak, I enforced a very, very accepting policy for who we let into the Vault, and eventually the city we built up around it. Super mutants, ghouls, other sentient deathclaws, even some Enclave survivors were all let inside, so long as they played by the rules.

I always fluffed his lay on hands as a swift backhand, that left the person feeling like a cool, mint scented breeze washed over them.

>>52827158
So was that the same guy that did the Pirates one? Because that seemed pretty similar, in a good way though.

>>52829571
Not sure. Know it's Shoggy of AGP fame though.

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>>52827030
This was quite recent, and is quite good.

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>>52829644
Oh that fits

>Summer 2014
>In FTU because got fucked up in Basic Training
>See dudes in corner with pens paper and stop watches laughing and generally being happy
>walk over and find out they're playing a very barebones version of DnD
>using some algorithm on digital stopwatches for die rolls
>Never played before but it looks fun
>Get to join the next session, don't know shit about what I'm doing but eventually make a halfling rogue speaking like some Fuedal Era Japanese Shogun
>Still clueless about what I'm doing, stumble into a trap the DM had set up triggering an illusion and golems to attack us
>roll to resist the illusion
>roll 1 with a -2 modifier
>"Instead of being merely stunned by the illusion, you start trying to count the infinite amount of butterflies in your vision for 5 turns"

>>52830553
That's a pretty cool intro to tabletop to say the least. Mine involved a morbidly obese man explaining what a "fursona" was.

Good times.

>>52827193
Fuck off unwashed cunt

>>52827045
there could be so many more of these that just weren't cataloged.
Imagine what we're missing out on.

>>52830900

>Imagine what we're missing out on

Well, you can just sing me to sleep now, you bastard.

>>52827089
I was in that thread I Still don't get the point of that cap, or is that the point (being terrible)

>>52827045
Since when the fuck is that at all her character? Did the show change her entirely? This is horrifically disgusting.

>>52831649
I don't even know where she's from and I wondered what the hell was that.

and why did it give me a boner

>>52827193
get the fuck out of /tg/ and never come back you piece of shit.

>>52831649
There is an episode where it's apparant that she have a vore fetish
This motivated the other anons to gave here every other fetish in existence.

>>52829813
I was in this thread! It was a fucking glorious day of waiting on anon to post more greentext.

>>52826798
the irony of this post is that I am now 5 minutes closer to death.

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This happened not too long ago, but I'm just glad I was a part of it

>>52831961
I love the fact that that's still passed around. I'm in there, you know, and I'm proud of it. I'm the guy who asked if any drawfags wanted to do that.

>>52831961

I am actually kind of glad I'm up late to see this, thank you.

>>52827273
wtf is this crap

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Well, dumping, I guess.

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>>52832020

>>52831961
crap. our most sacred beliefs.

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>>52832030

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>>52832034

>>52832020
As a catholic, I find this mildly offensive. I can't help but feel whoever wrote did it for no other purpose than to provoke a response from us.

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>>52832038

>>52832048
That's hilarious in a wtf way.

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>>52832045
Would you go far to say that you were perchance [TRIGGERED]?

>>52832048

>>52827611
That's not "too long; didn't read", that's " too compressed; can't read"

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>>52832057

>>52832057
yes, with utmost deliberance.

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>>52832071

>>52832078
I don't know what your like on the inside, but on the outside your a pain in the ass.

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>>52832077
Well, that's too bad, anon! Some people might have opinions and beliefs that differ from ours! That's what makes our world so interesting to live in, don't you think?

>>52832078

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>>52832089

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>>52832095

Does anyone have the one with the drow exchanging letters between a surface drow and his traditional relatives?

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>>52832107

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>>52832113
And I'll pause for now.

>>52830553
What post jackson?

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It's not a greentext but fuck you it's amazing.

>>52829813
haven't seen this one before
saved for future threads

>>52830829
You cannot just say that and not tell us the story

>>52832107
did we ever get the rest?

>>52832045
Of course you would be offended that one of your fellows was denied the opportunity to diddle another kid.

Not everything is about you and your stupid fucking cult, you arrogant little bitch baby. Maybe, just MAYBE, if you paid an ounce of attention to the actual content of the story, you'd see that it's a pretty obvious metaphor for the whole yin-yang thing. You know, the old-as-the-hills (and older than your cult) idea that there is some good in bad, and some bad in good.

Oh, wait, you're Catholic, so Taoism or any other belief is "EVIL".

The Force, then, like from Star Wars. Now get the fuck over yourself.

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>>52834815
>>>/r/atheism

>>52832048
As an Aussie who comes from a bogan family....this hits way too close to home and I feel dirty

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>>52833737
While I'd like to make up this amusing anecdote about That GM, it was really just a case of:
>Go to check out campus gaming group
>Nobody else is there but Manblob GM, who informs me that he freeform RPs on a furry forum and I'm welcome to join him if the rest of the group doesn't show up that evening.
>After about ten minutes of excruciatingly awkward explanation of the in and outs of this freeform's setting, I announce I have homework to do and leave
>I'm pretty sure he wasn't a student

I found the non-advertised gaming group a few months later, which was a much more agreeable experience (even if they were playing GURPS).

>>52832045
As an actual Christian, I invite you to ACTUALLY READ THE BIBLE where Jesus Himself says that He has half-siblings (lol "Mary remained a virgin"), that Mary sinned just like every other human being (lol "Mary was sinless and was assumed into heaven"), that you must call no man 'Father' (lol priests), that no man may absolve you of your sins (lol "confession"), to never engage in vain repetitions (lol "hail Mary"), and to not worship any other gods (lol praying to a human woman).

Cry harder, you filthy heretic.

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>>52835657

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>>52835696

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>>52835704
recent and short, but still chuckle-worthy

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>>52835723

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>>52835773

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>>52835788
shite crop, entertaining story

>>52835788
Haven't seen that one before. Pretty good.

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>>52835808

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>>52835833

fucking ATROCIOUS cap, but one of my favourites

and this'll do it for my dump. gotta get to an exam

>>52835824

glad to be of service

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Short. Sweet. Silly.

>>52835976

Always label your notes, kids.

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>>52829813
Quality story

>>52834815

Fucking taoists, always disregarding the importance of social order.

>>52832138
No, it was at Benning. I just got fucked up and had to join the rest of the brokedicks. Though fat camp was just downstairs.

>>52835683
>invite you to ACTUALLY READ THE BIBLE
As another Catholic, I'm going to have to call you out as a really dumb troll.
And, only Catholics get to call other people heretics, you fundamentalist who fails at understanding even very simple components of basic theology.

>>52837372
I'm not going to take that from some faggots who created a loophole so they technically aren't guilty of idolatry

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>>52837372
stfu heretic

>>52837372
You're posting on an american board, do you really think anybody here know how religion actually work ?

>>52837410
Better than blindly submitting to a book when they contradict reason and faith in God.

>>52835683
>where Jesus Himself says that He has half-siblings
What verse?

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>>52832045
>>52835683
>>52837372
>>52837410
>>52837537
>muh religion
>implying religion isn't a retarded apparatus that bogs down your practice of faith with meaningless and arbitrary rules and rituals
>implying faith isn't innately individualistic
>not believing in your personal Jesus
>not TALKING to your personal Jesus
oh i'm laffin

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>playing a sandbox d&d game
>group I normally gm with tend to hug my narrative and I want to break them of that
>place them in a country and let them decide what to do from here
>party can't seem to find any bait
>expect me to railroad them into something
>"try talking to some npcs. And look for something to help with?"
>party somehow continues not doing anything
>skip ahead
>party has traveled to a town known to be the home to one of the very few phoenixes in the world
>party sees phoenix
>party is so adventure hungry they decide to kill the phoenix
>fight ensues
> rogue jumps off cliff to try and mount the Phoenix
>misses, falls to his death
>cleric and warlock get burnt to a crisp
>paladin gets torn to shreds
>mfw my players can't operate unless I feed them story bait

>>52837647
>Liking Depeche Mode
You're not the one who should be laughing

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>>52837939
Actually, I didn't even know about Depeche Mode until someone pointed it out in the previous thread when I made the same argument.

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>>52837939
>>52837995

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>>52827045

>>52832212
>FIRESTORM! every enemy 50 yds from me takes 10 damage!
Isn't the point of LARPing to take it a notch higher than fucking videogames?

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>>52832212

>>52839490
>Is in a greentext thread
>Doesn't want to read

>>52827045
This is why I rarely visit LWA threads anymore lol.

>>52826798
>Not challeging Death to play THE GAME.

>>52840471
Bastard

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>>52842264
You do know there's more to that story, right?

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>>52842420

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>>52842440

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>>52842460

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I don't know who's more batshit, the players, or the GM

>>52840317
>lol
you probably shouldn't visit ANY threads anymore

A guy in the time-travel thread said to come over here for an example of a Groundhog-Day loop done well in an RPG.

I have no fucking idea what system.

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>>52829813
Orcbro was best bro.

>>52832015
A story known as "Abrifged history of Isreal and Arabic countries".

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>Playing a abridged dnd
>Create anyone that you want
>Party contains 1 female warlock, 1 female mage, 1 doom marine, 1 male soldier, 1 deceased female paladin
>Female Paladin died to female warlock
>Create Imperial Guard character
>All the things stolen from dark heresy
>At advantage
>Nobody really liked Imperial Guard since it's such a john doe-esque character
>Join party by being shot in the foot by the male soldier
>Helped by female warlock, unwillingly dragged along this story
>Time skip
>Fight breaks out with a ogre looking grandma and female warlock
>Female Warlock tries to be the hero and steal the xp
>fuckyoutoobitch
>Join Female Warlock in fight
>Stand in front to cover Female Warlock
>Female Warlock stabs me
>I whack the warlock to the ground
>Ogre Grandma whacks us both, we're unconcious
>Random Ghost Lady starts haunting us
>Wake up instantly
>I run
>Ogre Grandma sprints towards me
>I throw a grenade into a nearby thorn bush as I rush past
>Large chunk of Ogre's left arm and leg flies off
>Female Warlock still asleep
>Ghost haunting Warlock
>Wolf exits the house and growls at me as they try to help Female Warlock
>Throw grenade unto group of people
>The grenade lands directly unto the wolf
>Gibs everywhere
>Female Warlock dead
>Wolf dead
>Ghost is still dead
>Realize grandma ogre still there, throw another grenade to the bush because I am pinned
>Ogre Grandma is dead
>I stand victor
>Turns out that the wolf was a new character
>still proud

>>52831961
I still have that saved from when it was first made. that was a good thread (by tg standards of course)

>>52847908

Sorry Mac, already been posted.

>>52829813

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Fresh OC

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>>52844087
Assuming this is the one it's Everyone Is John, so not a real system.

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>>52827045
we're getting an updated version sometime soon, it seems

>>52827045
I have no mouth and I must vomit

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>>52827273
>1973
>The End
If only things were ever that simple.

>>52832057
Are we just gonna forget about Zeno's story of Achilles and the Tortoise, or "I don't get how mathematical limits work," the parable?

>>52849183
>"I don't get how mathematical limits work,"
That's the entire point of his parable. Infinitesimals are just a mathematical abstraction. Zeno argued for intrinsically finite nature of the universe, because we are incapable of observing infinitesimal or infinite values - which is exactly what Planck's natural units are - finite units, lower than which fundamentally cannot be observed and for all intents and purposes do not exist - because things that cannot be observed, both directly and indirectly, might as well not exist.

>>52849183
>>52849319
If you want an example, consider again that Achilles and the Tortoise story.

>Discrete timestep #1: Achilles and Tortoise are separated with 1m of distance.
>Discrete timestep #2: Achilles and Tortoise are separated with 0.5m of distance.
>Discrete timestep #3: Achilles and Tortoise are separated with 0.25m of distance.
>[...]
>Discrete timestep #N: Achilles and Tortoise are separated with 2 Planck units of distance.
>Discrete timestep #N+1: Achilles and Tortoise are separated with 1 Planck unit of distance.
>Discrete timestep #N+2: ?????????????

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>>52830553

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>>52849567

Whoops, shouldn't drink and post.

>>52848683
Seriously, what the fucking fuck is this.

>>52849678
A horny teen alchemist with no morals.

In a terrifying twist, that's actually how the character comes across in the show.

>>52835696

This is just that one episode of Billy and Mandy when Jeff knits the scarf.

Billy was insufferable and also disliked spiders.

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>>52827273
Oh, hey, someone screencapped my writefaggotry. That's pretty cool.

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>>52837647
Go home Kierkegaard, you're drunk

>>52829813
legitimately cried at the end. that half-orc is a fucking hero.

>>52827045
this is the first time i ever browsed /tg/

what the fuck guys, i thought this board would be free of this shit

>>52852129
>This is the first time I ever browsed /tg/
Welcome to /tg/ newfag shut up, and lurk more.

>>52832107
I really hope we got more of this.

>>52848246
>Enabling this degenerate in the other thread AND reposting his embarrassing ThatHappened.jpg fapfic because it's also yuh fetish
This is bad and you should feel bad.

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http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/index.html
Surprised it took this long for AGP to be posted.

>GMing campaign
>PCs travelling through frozen wasteland
>Been hinting at an undead presence, want to solidify it
>The plan is to have them fight a bear, then have the bear come back undead
>They fight the bear
>Cut off its legs for food
>Fuck

>Fast forward to the night
>Enjoying some bear leg steak
>Gradually get into tents, paladin takes first watch
>Hear an odd thudding noise
>Gets mowed down by a rolling bear corpse
>Panic in the camp
>Everyone being woken up
>Wizard assesses the situation
>"No. This is too stupid."
>Goes back to sleep.

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>>52853050

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>>52853589

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This just happened.

>I have no sides and I must kek

>>52849588
...nononono FUCK. That can't be how it ends. C'mon anons, help me out here.

>>52853757
This is an incoherent mess.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE RANGER DURING ALL OF THIS?!

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>>52853857

I've scoured a lot of screencap threads for the ending, but never found one. Either the ending sucked and no one ever shared it, or the storyteller never finished his saga.

I want to believe it's the second one.

On a related note, this is apparently what inspired the story to begin with.

>>52853900
>This is an incoherent mess.
Understatement of the century

>>52827611
Do I look like an ant to you?

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>>52854138
See
>>52853025

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>>52854234

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>>52854252

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>>52854264

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>>52854275

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>>52854291

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>>52854308

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>>52854324

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>>52854340

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>>52854351

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>>52854366

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>>52854378

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>>52854392

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>>52854406

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>>52854418

>>52854366
jesus christ how horrifying

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>>52854436
>>52854441
You could always read the one about Catan.

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>>52854466

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>>52854483

>>52854466
I know, I have that one. Just because I've seen worse doesn't mean this is isn't bad.

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>>52854495

>>52854496
Just figured you were new or similar.

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>>52854506

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>>52854524

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>>52854545

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>>52854574

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>>52854589

>>52826798
You gotta ask Death to tell his funniest joke against yours, best joke wins.

either you win or you hear the best joke ever.
win win

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>>52854605

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>>52854629
Got more but dog needs walking. Will finish dumping what I have when I get back.

>>52850642
>sapient apples that fought with psychic powers
>Wellington
Those sound like they could be fun in a slightly Gonzo scifi campaign.

>>52853025
I'm pretty sure that's because all of /tg/ knows about it already...

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>>52832110
Here you go Anon

>>52854234
Thanks famalamadingdong

>>52837372
>catholics
>being christian
Enjoy your latin hymnals you filthy pagan

>>52829813
>and spread her light to all corners
hmm

>>52835788
On the subject of retarded shit the party has said:

We had a player roll up a diplomat who probably shouldn't have been one.
>Party finds wandering child
>Child is completely catatonic
>Party wrestles kid to ground and grabs Plot Hook: The Book from him.
>Group: "What do we do with the kid?"
>Diplo: "Whatever. Leave him here."
>Group: "Will he be alright? We should take him with us!"
>Diplo: "Nah man, he's gonna be a hassle. Just leave him."
>Group: "He's probably important. What if we need him?"
>Diplo: "Dude, fuck the kid. Whatever. Just kill him. Who cares?"
>DM: "Is this your character saying this, or you?"
>Diplo: "What? No! My character wouldn't say that kind of stuff! That's fucked up man! He's a good guy."

>>52835361

Honestly kind of silly to have a female Commisar. That's a hyper masculine role to have.

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>>52827193

>>52856145
They do exist though.

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>>52854643

>>52855578
No problem anon.

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>>52857082

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>>52857100

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>>52857115

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>>52857142

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>>52857167

>>52848683
>>52827045
should I be worried that I find this arousing as fuck?

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>>52857198

>>52857206
Only if this is the first time you've read something like that.

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>>52857214

>>52857214
>Only if this is the first time you've read something like that.
Phew, I'm fine then.

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>>52857233

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>>52857248

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>>52857283

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>>52857310

>>52856839

Sure, but in fantasy world everything can exist. The question is: Should it?

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>>52857338

>>52857355
Due to cybernetics and differing planets, I see nothing wrong with a few female commissars.

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>>52857379

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>>52857248
An addition to that story.

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>>52857411

>>52857424
You can read all the ones he's done at
http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/index.html

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>>52857439

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>>52857461

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>>52857483

>>52857355
Yes, since all female regiments exist.

>>52857355

You're in the Imperium now, faggot. So long as they have feet to march, hands to use a weapon, and a heart to fill with hatred of all things alien and heretical, people will serve in whatever capacity deemed necessary, and they will LIKE IT.

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>>52857495

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>>52857525

>>52857439
Shit, he wrote all those stories? He and his group really get shit done. I knew there was a website, I just never bothered to look for it. Color me pleasantly surprised.

>>52851183
Why was that on /tg/?

>>52857206
there is N O T H I N G wrong with liking pervy girls. The only thing better then being a degenerate yourself is a qt who can be on your level.

>>52857722
The topic of Israel came up naturally, and I thought I'd share a funny story I wrote for our troupe to perform as a stand-up sketch.
>inb4 racist and overly historical stand-up sketches aren't popular, anon
They are in Slavland.

>>52832107
>"I will continue the storytime later"
>NEVER CONTINUES IT
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

>>52858174
Examples pls?

>>52858245
I can't come up with specific examples, but that's only because we don't really consider racist jokes, well, as something bad.
Some of the more popular jokes in Ukraine is something along the lines of:
>U: [in Ukrainian] Hey, dude, you probably shouldn't drink the water from this well, it's poisoned.
>R: [in Russian] I'm sorry, what?
>U: [in Ukrainian] Nothing, mate, drink up.
And regarding historical sketches - well, the first thing that comes to mind is a rather popular TV sketch show about various heroes of Slavic fairytales (warning, it's rather mediocre, although, it has its moments): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD-pID9bx3g
We also regularly joke about Soviet Union and other shit like that. It's really not my area of expertise.
In general, stand-up over here is more of an enthusiast thing rather than the norm.

>>52858570
Funnily enough, I remember an old story from a collection along those lines.
>German overlords over russian-area serfs in ye-olde-times
>Religious tensions between protestant germans and orthodox russians
>Peasants tell overlords it's a feast day for X saint
>Overlord tells them to bring out the saint to convince him otherwise
>Hits reliquary, knocks it on the ground, asks if he's got a problem with the serfs working today
>No response because box of finger bones
>Serfs work all day instead of having festival
>Evil Plan Tiem
>Serfs tell overlord it's another festival day, for one "Saint Hornet"
>Overlord tells them to bring him out for an argument
>They explain he's out in the woods and they can't bring him in
>Super pissed overlord takes his enforcers out to the woods to find this Saint Hornet
>The serfs direct him to a buzzing tree
>Overlord bangs on it and yells for the lazy snoring bastard to get up
>Overlord and enforcers beset by hornets
>Ha ha comedy

>>52827091
>>52827109
>>52827124
>>52827139
>>52827158

>Branden
>Branden
>Branden
>Branden
>Branden

IT'S BRENDAN YOU DUMB TWAT

Got one fresh off the presses that just happened to me

>Be me
>Playing a D&D 5e adventure
>Homebrew campaign in homebrew world
>It's going great and the party has bonded pretty nicely
>Looking forward to next session
>In the downtime chatting with one of the other players about the BBEG and throwing out stupid theories at each other with our tinfoil hat's on
>"Crazy theory: Your character is secretly evil and working for him" I joke
>uncomfortable silence
>"Well, now that you've guessed it I might as well tell you..."
>Starts to explain that she is evil and has been working for the BBEG from the start
>"Haha, very funny joke."
>Ignores me and continues to explain that elements of her backstory that were super tragic were actually partly lies and she was secretly behind them as opposed to a victim
>H-haha, you can stop
>Continues to explain that since she joined the party at the start of the adventure she's been a mole for him and all her actions have been to help in one way or another
>Y-you're serious aren't you?
>Even the death of one of our party members was a result of the machinations of her and the BBEG
>At this point I should add that she had already told me a few sessions back that she was going to retire this character from the party and replace them with another one for some undisclosed reasons
>She explains that she's leaving the party to join back up with BBEG and had actually tried to do so earlier (citing certain events)
>At this point I believe her because everything she's said sorta fits perfectly even if it is slightly outlandish
>So I can't help but ask, why me?

>>52862032
>She pauses for a moment before responding
>"Because you have the lowest wisdom so you can never reveal it. IC you'd never pick up on it and you can't use your OOC character knowledge to metagame it. And even if you did nobody would believe you. And you can't tell anyone. Not even the GM knows you know."
>holyshitareyouserious.jpg
>"Oh, and when I do finally betray the party I may or may not try to kill the character you're romantically entangled with."
>At this point I've gone through the fives stages of grief and have reached acceptence. I just wanna know if it's the truth so I ask her if she's serious
>Yet another brief pause
>I'm sorry, I can't keep this up
>I was just joking
>I couldn't resist

She insists she's joking, that she was just trolling but it fits together a little too well. Everything slots together beautifully. It's a masterclass of a twist and would be amazing if it actually happened. She says she was joking but I sorta feel like that may be her covering her ass. What do I do bros? Was she lying?

>>52861814
Well.... fuck.

Some fresh OC from /5eg/. The guy was describing his stealth magical realming (inflation).

>fighting a black dragon asshole who's been trying to cause a nearby town to collapse into civil war, and has already had two of us tortured. she's several CR above us
>cleric is down, wizard is almost down, paladin and me (rogue) are hurt but still able to fight
>dragon flies in to bite/claw
>wizard goes down
>check inventory for something useful
>eversmoking bottle, pitons, gold, 11 pellets of used dust of dryness, thieves' tools, crowbar, etc.
>remember a story i read on giantitp somewhere
>take out the dust of dryness
>DM is eying me carefully, probably already figured it out
>i get my owl familiar (long story) and tell him, "Fly into the dragon's mouth and put one pellet down. When I send the mental signal put another down. Keep the rest dry in this bag until I tell you to. Good luck buddy."
>paladin is confused. "What are you doing?"
>dragon flies in again
>owl flies down her throat
>"Well, thank you for the snack," she chuckles with a bitchass cruel smile
>"You might find this morsel a to be a bit much even for you, Your Majesty" I reply smugly (she insisted on being called a queen)
>"First pellet."
>dragon's stomach swells and a gush of water goes out her mouth
>"What?" she exclaims
>"I now have you completely at my mercy, Queen Elinwilluwither. If you want to live, get on the ground and surrender."
>"If you think your cheap parlor tricks will frighten me, then I have a demonstration for you!"
>Flies down and sprays acid on us
>our turns, don't manage to do much damage
>"Two more pellets."
>Dragon's body fills up and she gets too heavy to fly. She can only slow her fall.
>tell her "Last chance. Do you want to surrender, or die?"
>she howls a string of curses in Draconic and tries to vomit up the water. DM rolls. He tells me she coughs hard but can't get the water out

>>52864754

>paladin approaches her, places his sword to her throat. "Do you accept his mercy, scum?"
>she starts clawing and biting him, scores a crit and he falls unconscious
>Say in my smuggest voice, "Looks like you'll be going out with a bang, Your Majesty!" I wink at her playfully
>"ALL of the pellets."
>DM laughs
I wrote down every word of his speech for... later purposes. Other guys thought I was just recording one of my triumphs.

>"As you send the signal to your familiar, you see Elinwilluwither's eyes widen, and then everything slows to a crawl. A slow, terrible roar, like an earthquake, builds from the direction of the dragon queen. Immediately, a huge geyser of water shoots out her mouth.
>"But her mouth isn't a big enough hole for all the water to escape from. Instants later, her stomach, already strained from your previous doses, blasts apart. And the water just continues to shoot faster. In what seems like hours, her tail and her legs explode.
>"Her neck and head is the last piece of her body still intact, and even it looks like it won't be much longer. You look into her eyes and see pure agony--easily exceeding what she put you through. Before you know it, her whole head shoots off like a rocket. It blasts over you and lands in a tree.
>"Of her body, not much is left. It's been scattered all over the marsh. Aside from her head, it doesn't look like there's a chunk of flesh larger than a fist.
>"Your friends are lying unconscious, with specks of dragon viscera upon them."

We ended up meeting her mate. When he saw what had happened to her, he was horrified, and begged us to spare him. We did--he hadn't done anything bad that we knew about, and it'd be handy to have a dragon as your friend. We took most of her horde, but left him a sizable chunk to get rid of any remaining ill will.

>>52864773

Note: he later said "Wizard claimed her head as a trophy" and "A big part of muh fetish is them getting their comeuppance. Elinwilluwither tortured us, had dozens of innocents killed just to get to us (because we'd shown them kindness), and even when I offered her mercy she chose to try and kill one last one of us instead. Her exploding after that was the perfect answer to all my hatred of her."

>>52836482
Ah yes, the social order. God knows it would collapse if we didn't have catholics to fuck the spirit of god into kids.

>>52865437

Who gives a shit about Catholics? I'm talking about all the smarmy douches who think they're too good for Confucianism.

>>52826798
>death going out and murdering random people
no

>>52853989
wat

>>52854366
>the plot twist at the end

>>52832125
it's been a year is this guy okay

>>52832212
this was fucking wild, kind of makes me want to LARP if only to pull off something like this.

>>52870129
I'm perfectly fine, thanks for your concern.

>>52872582
good to hear, rads are no joke

>See LARP group is renting local park/cammpground/nature thing.
(Can’t think of the word for it, but think a fenced off piece of countryside with a couple of buildings for sleeping that is rented out for functions and shit.)
>They needed monsters, I liked RPGs and was fairly spry. Sign up for it.
>Group is chill and a fun time, I’m happy to be a living prop and hang out OOC.
>It’s over a long weekend so we need to sleep over and eat there.
>There were a couple of buildings, so the players slept in one and the monsters stayed in the other.
>The set up is that their building is a fort they are based out of for the adventure. The players had the kitchen and therefore the food.
>Wake up later than I mean to on the second day.
>GM is sending weak monsters against the players to wake them up.
>Others had already had breakfast at this point.
>GM is chill so says just hold my hand up to show I’m not in the scene and go eat.
>Wile I'm getting into goblin costume say. “Nah, I’ll get breakfast.”
>Sneak round back of the conflict to a side door to the player building.
>Scuttle inside to where a large plate of sausages have been left out buffet style.
>Start grabbing and eating in character.
>Hear a conversation suddenly stop behind me.
>Turn around with breakfast still hanging out of my face.
>Two of the players are standing there looking right at me.
>......

>>52872641
Eh, honestly, I attribute my lack of consequences more to proper work safety such as wearing lead-lined clothes and whatnot rather than booze.
It still was a pretty damn strange accident, though, and a lot of things just don't make a lot of sense. Not like I really worry about it, anyway.

>>52872796>......
>Goblin screech and pull out my sword.
>Panic though out the building ensues as a goblin got inside somehow.
>You remember in school whenever a wasp got in the classroom and everyone panicked.
>It was like that, no one was worried that they were gonna die but they don’t want stung by the annoying spodling.
>Scuttle and battle around the building, including a fight where I ran over some tables.
>Finally break though to the door.
>The hungry goblin desires freedom.
>Just as I reach the fresh air I’m bopped in the head and I go down.
>Players who were on the outside turn around and are confused at the wee beastie that has their food in it’s mouth.
>Player who got me strides up and grabs some of the food I dropped and starts eating it.
> “Damn thing got into our food. What are you guys doing?”
>Que in character argument over security and defence. I just get up and return to the monster hut as I eat the rest of what I grabbed.
>Fellow monster says “Think that woke them up."

>>52826809
Fantastic and hilarious

I didn't look through every screen cap posted so maybe it's already uploaded:

I'm looking for a cap of a really creative adventure in some lovecraftian under water city or something. IIRC the system used was 4th ed DnD. Contained mind fuckery and time travel.

Anyone have that?

>>52872058
Friend who LARPs told me a story
He had a buddy who played rogue, and level 1 rogues got an ability allowing them to pretend to be another class as long as the rogues colors were on the outfit (black and red).
This guy pretended to be a druid, decked out in green and brown, with a mark on the headband that was black and red, for a year and a half.
Not only that, but at a certain level rogues get assassin quests.
He killed the king for his first quest.
Noone trusts him anymore.

>>52874042
Their fault for not being perceptive enough.

>>52853757
>but what I want to know is where's the caveman?

>>52852774
the guy writes like he's 13 or not a native English speaker. definitely very bad.

>>52872816
I lold good story

>>52857509

But who'd respect a female commisar? You'd want people with actual command in leadership positions, and preferably physically imposing. Even the soviets didn't put women on the frontline as grunts, and especially not in combat officer positions.

>>52877957

Motherfucker, they could put a commissar hat on a goddamn DOG and you better snap to attention when it walks by, or your thick head will swiftly be re-purposed as a servo-skull. Now cease this questioning of Imperium doctrine or be found guilty of heresy in the extreme.

>>52832045
>>52832057
>>52835683
>>52837647

Joseph was meant to protect Mary and Baby Jesus from Pilatos and other harm Also the Bible got examples of people who dedicated so much of their lives serving God to not have families of their own. Why is so hard to accept Mary beign untoched by Joseph as act of loyalty to God?

>>52877957

>>52878305
this

>>52831950
thanks, your punchline made it worth it

>>52837939
Depeche Mode is the pinnacle of pop music, philistine.

>>52832078
>Umaru-chan with an unlovable neckbeard

So just fucking Umaru-chan.

>>52878305
Can confirm, my Commissar is in fact a welsh corgi. No one questions his command or leadership abilities, and we have one of the lowest mortality rates in all of the Emperor's forces.

Respect. The. Hat.

>>52883838
>listening to pop music

>>52854574
Aside from this and OMH, are there any other Waffle House Millionaire stories?

>>52859290
Your story wasn't funny.

If it makes you feel any better,
>Ha ha comedy
this line was.

>>52851710
thread was the same, people losing their shit left and right yelling at OP lol

>DnD Kids
>Little girl is a Bard
>can i use my song to lure the bad guys?
>uhh sure what song do you want to sing?
>call me maybe
>......roll 1d6
>1
>Everyone is so afraid that they thought it was a song of the dead.
>everyone cried

i'm such an ass sometimes

>>52886113
Not that I know of, you could always check the archive.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

>>52885709
>unironically being a hipster
>in the year 5777
Being popular does not automatically make something bad and your psychological need to stand out combined with your only available outlet for that being to have bad taste in music is pathetic.

>>52832212
an amazing and underrated story. 10/10

>>52883959
Yeah, but it has to be more in-your-face about it.
I guess something along the lines of Genshiken?
Like, dial the stereotypes of both "fat greasy sweaty obnoxious neckbeard" and "quiet lanky kid who is incapable of socializing" up to eleven, at least on the outside - and make them actual people on the inside.

It's funny how Japanese anime is all about judging a book by its cover - we get these pretty and interesting characters that have utterly shallow and boring two-bit personalities all the time, even in relatively serious anime. And we are supposed to get invested into their stories and root for them! Fucking embarassing. Literally the definition of "style over substance".

>>52827860
When stuff like this makes "sense" and the characters are well written and well played, then this is the best type of games. Always memorable and fun.

>>52889742
>implying my distaste for pop is because I'm a hipster
>implying hipsters aren't the ones listening to pop

>Going from point A to point B on a mission from god

>Suddenly wild bandits appear and try to extort us of some valuables

>Fight, because fuck that

>We had a mage in the party specialized in casting spells undetected. We weren’t aware that he was a mage in fact

>Mage tries to cast some secretive bs spell to like blind the bandits or something

>Miscasts like a motherfucker, I mean – god damned those rolls where bad

>Mage, by accident gets the attention of otherworldly interdimensional beings and thus starts to summon them, in a lack for a better description

>Half our party and the bandits leg it for their lives. The rest attacks the mage thinking that he is doing this intentionally and that he is in fact an infiltration out to kill us

>The mage gets murdered

>We are all to chocked to continue the, what now seems like trivial, battle against the bandits

>We instead reward the bandits for their aid in killing the evil sorcerer and doing gods work

>A few of the bandits decided that if there is such evil in the world as they just witnessed, it’s every living man’s duty to stop it and joined us in our quest

The day when our mage got himself killed by RPs, turned a bunch of bandits into heroes, and at the same time ending up converting some of them and making them join are crusade.

May I present the story of our raid on Saltstone Harbor as the shittiest pirates in existence

>Playing Pathfinder, Skulls and Shackles AP
>Recently mutinied and got control of the ship
>I'm now the incompetent bard captain of said ship
>Sailing around looking for some villages to raid, everything is quaint little farming villages
>Skipping all of them cause we'd feel bad about raiding them
>We are actually really shitty pirates
>It's getting late, a couple people have left and we're getting ready to wrap up
>Finally come across a new town, Saltstone Harbor.
>GM: You estimate you'd be able to get about 3-4 plunder here in.... illegal amounts of salt
>Party collectively bursts out laughing
>Fuck it, we're doing it. Decide on a daring nightime raid
>Party and a couple NPCs board smaller boats and prepare to sneak into town
>GM: Roll to try to sail in stealthily
>Roll decently but not great, guards on docks spot us
>Halt! Who goes there?
>Um... we were... looking for a place to stay the night?
>Roll decent bluff, guards take us to the inn.
>Well fuck, not a good start. Spend some time talking with the owner.
>Learn about the "Salt King" who owns the town and it's illegal amounts of salt
>Lives in the Salt Manor outside town, we leave tavern and decide to go there

Cont.?