DMing Description Test

1) As you look at the sign on the dagger, you saw two stigma of Riverdale Crossing overlapping.
2) While resting your group saw a heavy coated hunch back white dragonborn approach you and ask if you are interested in his wares
3) you are in a teen neet orc room. The smell of unwashed dishes under his bed, the sweetly pile of clothes next to it and a corpse like body on the ground.

Am I good enough to dm, yet?

1. "The dagger was found protruding from the nun's back."

2. "You are greeted by a catgirl."

3. "The musty, ramshackle hut has a shrine to Gruumsh in it."

Too easy. Next.

>>52716472
Dagger belonging to evil person
>At the base of the dagger's blade there are some outlandish bits and indentations which seem to serve some unknown purpose.
>the dagger also functions as a key to a personal torture room/other villanous

Shopkeeper
>Follow the DMG to make a character fleshed out with mannerisms and traits that you predict they will find likeable.
>OR make him completely insufferable but still friendly towards/incredibly useful to the players.
>mug it up!

Orc room
>instead of low-brow disgust factor (feces, gore etc.) give the room that feeling of slightly overused shirt neckbeard-shirt (every surface feeling slightly unclean, pungent smell of sweat and food gone bad)
>muddy flooring, furniture in haphazard condition

>>52716472
>1 Scenery matters
As you enter the lost chapel, you find it unnervingly void of clergymen. Instead, the benches have been shuffled, and there is mud and blood on the floor. It smells foul. The statue of the holy martyr is cracked, and blood seeps from its wounds. A black and curved dagger sticks out from where the heart of the statue would be if it was an actual person. The dagger still seems sharp, and it is cold to the touch.

>2 My players favour odd characters
Immediately upon your return to the valley, you are greeted by the sight of a patchwork stagecoach drawn by two oxen creatures with shaved fur. A door swings open and a tall man in a colourful coat pops out - his hands stretched to each side, he bellows: "Welcome to my humble shop! I am Balleon, please come browse my wares!" The merchant seems out of place, and he does not accept coins; he will only trade goods for goods.

>3 Assuming a setting where orcs are disgusting barbarians
You barge through the shoddy wooden door and enter an underground chamber. The walls are carved out of the stone itself and sparsely decorated with thropies of fallen beasts. A pit in the center houses a large pile of garbage and waste, and it spews forth a heavy cloud of gas that makes it hard to breathe in here. The floor is littered with dirty footprints. In the opposite end of the room you see a crude idol of the orc god, and a bloody lump of indistinguishable meat lies motionless in front of it. Everything else seems to be in place, from the makeshift beds to the pillaged barrels now used as tables.

>>52716472
1. The dagger appears to be of some sort of sharpened dark rock rather than steel, possibly obsidian. Etched into base of the blade just above the guard is a symbol of an open eye, the iris stained a bloody crimson. The initials "R. L." are cut crudely into the leather grip; you get the impression that whoever carved the letters into the grip is not the same person for whom the dagger was made, but someone that took a dark fascination with the blade's cruel appearance.

2. As you enter the shop, a tiny bell rings merrily above the door and a jovial, booming voice roars across the room. "Welcome, friends!" the man behind the counter shouts before giving out a warm chuckle. His rosy cheeks stand in stark contrast to his jet-black beard. His lips, poking neatly through the well-trimmed tufts of midnight fur surrounding them, curve into a smile that betrays not the greed of a shrewd businessman, but the genuine happiness of a friend you've not seen in a long time happy to reunite with you.

3. The fetid stench coming from the room you stand in tears through your nostrils and sticks in your throat like a chicken bone. If you'd eaten in the last two days the contents of your stomach would no doubt lie plain on the floor in front of you. Damp, moldy rags -crawling with all manner of bugs and other filth - litter most of the floor but are laid thicker in against the walls and in the corners. Something has been sleeping here.

1. You find a small, curved black dagger with a series of geometric runes running along its length. (Arcana check) The dagger itself feels unnaturally cool to the touch.

2. As you enter the shop a small bell rings to signal your approach. The room itself is divided between shelves of various oddities and unpacked boxes. "Ah, my first customer!" an excited female voice followed by its Elven owner comes around the corner. "Welcome to Marceilles Masterworks" she beams excitedly.

3. The wet silence of the room is palpable, broken only by drips of water and the sloshing of your boots beneath you, the water having risen to ankle length since you breached the tunnels. Surveying the room while fighting back the choking stench you see broken crates, rusted weapons and heaps of shit scattered around. Whether this was once a latrine or storage room is anyone's guess.

1) As your fingers trail down the wicked-looking dagger's blade, you hear screams of pain and feel a chill down your spine.
2) The sound of a small bell accompanies the door opening, the elderly man seated at the counter gently placing the book he is currently reading on the bench and turning to look at you with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" He asks, pushing his glasses back up his nose with one finger.
3) A metallic smell permeates through the room, while dark stains like the stroke from an artist's brush litter the floor and walls.

1. The dagger seems to have endured frequent sharpening and is adorned with a small tassle that is made from an assortment of long strands of hair.

2. The busty shopkeeper smiles at you.

3. A heavy stench comes from piles of matted furs and rags at the edges of this room, with rats still scurrying among them despite the large pile of rodent skeletons in the center of this room, still wet and fresh from having the meat cleaned off of them.

>>52716684
>"The dagger was found protruding from the nun's back."

Nailed it.

1. Within the case you see a well-used dagger. A chill runs down your spine as the torchlight glints off the cold metal. Though well cared for, the dagger smells distinctly of blood.

2. The jolly looking shopkeeper eyes you up and down as you enter, a great big grin forming on his face. "Ah! Customers!" he says "Come in, come in! I have just the thing for you!"

3. This ten foot by ten foot room is a complete mess. Though once finely appointed, it is obvious that whoever has been living here recently has an active disrespect for the place. Furniture lies smashed, wall hangings lie shredded, and foul smelling, greasy substances best left unnammed lie smeared along the walls, spelling out foul epitaphs in some crude script. Half-buried by junk, there is a door in the western wall.

>>52716472

1.) The dagger has a sinuous, somehow-sensual shape, like a sleek tongue of flame. The blade seems to be steel, but with an orange-brown tint. A closer look at the delicate engravings on the blade reveals that they depict people engaged in acts of sex, murder, and combinations thereof with men, women, and monstrous half-breed creatures. The handle is wrapped in pale, supple leather stained with sweat. The pommel is a pale gem with an ugly red flaw in its center.

2.) Snorri is the owner and operator of the Rat & Dog tavern, a working class bar and inn situated in one of Nuln's roughest neighborhoods. Average sized for a dwarf, he is rather fat, with a bald pate and mostly-gray locks and beard. He is most recognizable for his dentures, made from the pulled teeth of an Orc that smashed his own. Snorri had a habit of chomping these to reseat them as a sort of verbal punctuation. Despite his fierce appearance, Snorri is friendly enough and will listen willingly enough to any tales (lies) his visitors bring. His prices are fair and it's rumored that he barely breaks even. Snorri sells a beer he brews himself illegally (he doesn't belong to the guild), providing to those he trusts or who trusted folk have vouched for. Snorri, despite his clientele, is a neat freak, and all entrants to his business must first wash the face and hands. He tolerates no fighting and will wade into brawls with an axe handle and his teeth chomping. Goods left in his tavern are put in the lost and found and eventually sold; few try to steal from this, as Snorri has a keen eye for who brought what to his business.

3.) This room reeks of shit and urine and greenskin, and is dominated by a massive wooden fat that is oozing liquids best not dwelled upon. Various dripping skins on hooks reveal this to be some sort of crude tannery. Some have been carved with crude clan sigils and symbols of the primitive cretin gods of the orcs.

>>52716472
1) You see an ebony dagger sticking out of the center of the crossroad.
2) You see a portly man with a thick beard and a pair of glasses sitting behind the counter.
3) You see half eaten meat and discarded clothing littering the room, it smells like a pigsty mated with a gas station bathroom.

>>52716472
Newbie DM here, let's see...

1. The dagger seems very well-worn and perfectly clean.

2. The old man behind the counter welcomes you all and asks if you're looking for anything. He says he's got rope, candles and pretty much everything you need to go spelunking. In the back of the shop, an old crossbow stands out, next to an unidentifiable medal.

3. In this room you see two filthy hay mattresses on the ground, and a very misshapen sword discarded in the corner. The place smells like blood and rot.

>>52716472
>1- [...] This dagger appears to have seen a lot of use. It's in good condition despite some slight dents, and dry blood on the pommel. The blade looks strangely shiny despite its mileage. (Perception check) After the dry blood, the blade seemed to lose a bit of its shine

>2- In the distance you foresee a cart pulled by a donkey. With your weapons still at hand's reach the cart comes close and you can spot it's driver: A middle aged man wearing tattered clothes, with fatigue leaking through his face. This man looks like had a rough time on his way, and looking closer, you notice not even the donkey was spared in the assault. He finally reaches your position with a rattling sound coming from his cart, and asks the party to check his wares

>3 - The first thing you notice after opening the door is a wave of stench that hits you harder than your father did after a prank. Before you is a room that could only be qualified as the result of a explosion. Broken stuff that once was furniture piled in corners, ragged blankets with half-burnt, and empty space in the middle of the room, and dents on the wall in the shape of slashes

>>52716472
1) Tucked into the hollow is a dagger with a worn-looking wooden grip and a keen blade. The blade's edges are splotched alternately with dark grey and pale yellow stains. The grip, on closer inspection, has tally marks carved into it.

2) Just before you, an aged dwarf woman crests the hill, sitting atop a mule laden with satchels and clay jugs. She almost appears drowsy with her jaw lazily chewing something and her leathery hands resting on a chest sitting in her lap. It takes her a moment to register your presence. "Hail, travelers!," she calls in near as soft a voice as a dwarvish tongue could muster. "Would any of you care for some tea to dull this wind?"

3) Amidst the piles of charred pylons and bricks is a straw dome, with a doorway cordoned off with rope. Stepping inside reveals a large iron brazier, a rough-beated iron helmet with tusks fastened to the sides, and a foul-smelling cauldron with several arrows and short spears stuck point-down inside it.

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>>52716472

1. The dagger isn't well looked after. It is chipped in places, dull and has what looks to be caked on bloodstains on it.

2. You don't see anyone behind the counter but you do smell cigarette smoke and hear a table of chinese men chainsmoking and gambling loudly in the corner. One has a large mole with long hair growing out of it above his left eyebrow, he's wearing an apron.

3. The room smells putrid, there are black bloodstains on the floor and walls. Several chunks have been taken out of the walls by weapons, and there's one hole in a bottom corner that appears to have been kicked out, a hole dug under it and used as a toilet.

I don't generally run in fantasy settings, can you tell?

>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.

The dagger has no special features - it's a fairly bland dagger with a triangular blade, a simple handle... The only thing that seems to stand out is that the handle seems to be extremely well-worn, as if someone has used it quite a bit, and blade's metal, which while it has kept its sharpness, looks extremely dull due to what seems to be dry blood being forcibly removed.

>2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.

The horse turns into a corner, and all of a sudden all his cargo is gone. Suddenly, from the shop right besides the horse, you hear an excited voice of what appears to be a man in his late 20s. "Oh, hello there! Don't worry about the cargo, it's all here. If you're interested in it, why don't you have a look?" He peeks out of the window, thick glasses, a simple vest (almost like a sweater), and an earnest yet slightly nervous smile.

>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.

The room is, simply put, putrid. Whatever light peeks in from the tiny window, it only serves to highlight the indescript brown muck that seems to cover the walls. The smell is unbearable, in a weird way - it feels like rancid meat that has been left out in the sun to dry out.

>>52716472
1. Outside the charged remains of the orphanage you spot a hastily discarded piece of flint, a dagger, and a flask that reeks of oil.

2. Once you step foot into the shop, you're greeted by the biggest, burliest, scraggliest old bastard you've ever seen. The coot towers over his wares and fills the room with his snaggletooth grin, one eye seeming to wander about aimlessly. "Wha can ol' Hamayk do ya for, fellas?"

3. The smell hits you before you're even at the door. It's like a slurry of meat, mold, sweat, and horse shit all crammed into a burlap sack and left to dry over a summer in the swamps before being dragged across a mile of hobo balls.

>>52716584
C
Kind of weak in terms of evoking particular feelings, but at least it's not too heavy-handed

>>52716684
C+
Some of those points are just from thinking outside the box

>>52716694
B
Functional, if a bit meta

>>52716697
B+
A bit long, but solid

>>52716703
B-
Definitely could be more succinct

>>52716736
B+
Mostly straightforward, but some parts could be edited with stronger imagery

>>52716740
B
Strong imagery, but a tad bit too much poetry

>>52716766
B-
Unexciting, but workable.

>>52716899
B+
Direct imagery, but some redundancy through the effort to get the points across

>>52717087
B
Good descriptions for a novel, but a bit much at a table

>>52717416
B
The first is good, the others are a bit lacking

>>52717423
B-
Simple, direct, and functional, but definitely could use some more flair

>>52720284
B+
A little long, but definitely sets the scene

I think >>52716684 has the dagger down pat. Nothing to do with the dagger, everything to do with its usage.

>>52716472
>dagger
The blade is long and thin, too unwieldy to double as a tool, and the grip is sticky with something. There is no matching sheath.

>shopkeeper
A lanky youth is hunched over the counter, reading. You spot [desired item] on the shelf near him.

>orc-less room
The trail leads to an enclosure where the ground is scuffed and covered in similar tracks. Refuse and bones are strewn around several bedrolls, and the firepit is still smoldering.

1. A jagged ebony black dagger is resting on a table adjacent to rust brown smeared cloth. The knife itself has a humanoid tooth embedded into the fuller of the blade.

2. A portly fourty something half orc man waltzes calmly over you with a happy grin as you hear coinage shuffle in his pack, and he bellows out "I am Gundar Loosehammer, wandering merchant to the stars."

3. As you enter the room, the smell of bodily waste, blood, and decay assault your noses as you see several jagged bloody weapons on the wall and broken beer steins next to a set of ramshackle bedrolls.

>>52716472
1. The dagger seems poorly weighted at first, but upon switching to a reverse grip, you find it surprisingly easy to use. The handle is lightly wrapped in red silk, and you can detect smudges of rusty colouration hidden in the inner folds.

2. As you enter the dimly lit store, a small girl rushes blindly in front of you, giggling as she tears through the shop. "Gilly, careful! Y'almost tripped a customer!" The voice comes from a tall, burly man who gives you an apologetic smile. "My apologies for the mess, friend. Is there anything I can dig out of it for you?"

3. The door shudders as it swings open, and you are greeted with a powerful stench. The room is quiet, but the large muddy tracks along the floor testify recent occupants. Meat barely fit for a dog is scattered on a wooden table in the center of the room attracting flies, and a pile of sodden stained clothes sits in the corner. The biggest clue, however, is the rack of makeshift weapons, clearly the equipment of an orcish warband.

1) Upon gripping the black-bladed dagger, you feel an unnatural compulsion to coat the blade in blood. The though feels alien to you but rather than feeling disturbed by this invasion it feels kind of pleasent, which disturbs you more than an alien though ever could.

2) The chest opens itself, inside is a mimic, not one of the ones that are basically a mouth, this one has a human-like torso. "Customers?" it says with a voice that sounds just human enough, "I have many wears that might interest adventures such as your self. I promise I won't eat you," he says, you are inclined to believe him as he does look rather frail.

3) Moving aside the cloth that served as a door was a huge mistake as out wafts a rather repugnant odor. It smells like rotting food mixed with sweat and some oxidized blood. The floor is slick with what you hope is water, the walls and floor are covered in stains that almost up to the ceiling. The room is far too foul for any human to tolerate for long.

>>52721470
so what would it take to achieve an "A" from you?

>>52716472
1. Some jackass left his Hitler youth knife on the ground.

2. The man at the window gives you a friendly nod. You notice that there are extra nuggets in your meal.

3. You walk into the bathroom, it looks like a jackson pollock painting but with blood and feces.

1. Wreathed by four shackles and gutters, a curved, golden dagger rests in the center of the large stone altar. Otherworldly runes circling its guard glow like dying embers at your touch.

2. A stout fellow towers behind the counter, blue eyes regarding you from beneath a thick brow. A wide smile parts his bushy black beard and mustache, enthusiasm and hair bristling from him in equal parts. "Ho there, travelers! Welcome to the Troll's Head. Here for a room, or just for a drink and a hot meal?"

3. This chamber, once an ancient bathhouse, has been rendered unusable in its current state. The water is stagnant and putrid, with unnameable detritus floating in the water. The orcs seem to have taken particular offense to the statue of a handsome elven male standing over the bath; its crotch has been severely damages and its face splattered with a brownish substance you think it best not to speculate on.

ALTERNATIVELY

1. You find a dagger jutting out of the back of an orphan who was one day from retirement. A tag affixed to the handle by twine reads "If found, return to Killdeath "Bloodthirster" McEvilbastard, 666 Murderstab Alley".

2. As you open the door to the magic shop, a frog hops out. The cranky-looking older gentleman behind the counter lowers a smoking wand, shouting after it. "That'll teach you to try and knick from me, y'bastard!"

3. The orc's closet has a shrine to his waifu. It's lovingly maintained, candles casting their flickering light upon the portrait, smoke from sticks of incense overpowering the usual orc stink. Still, your nose curls up in disgust at his shit taste.

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>>52721470

>>52722098
Those are largely personal assessments, but an "A" would be something that could be used as an example of how it should be done.

It should:
-Bring players into the scene, and make them excited to explore/interact with what you are describing.
-Be short enough to maintain interest and be simple to remember, but powerful enough that the scene doesn't immediately fade.
-Use efficient language without falling into purple prose
-Clearly express tone, without making too many judgements for the players
-Includes interesting details that are poignant

Overall, this grading is done with a C being average and not bad at all (or having a particular strength), B being good but with room for improvement, and an A being largely free of any big flaws, with an A+ being nearly perfect if not perfect.

>>52722428
Im sorry but what is purple prose

>>52722464
>"On occasion, one finds oneself immersed in the literary throes of a piece of prose where there is very little in the way of advancement of the plot or development of the characters, but the pages are still filled with words. Since the esteemed author has allowed their writing to take a turn for the dry and dull, they gallantly attempt to overcompensate for the lack of stimulation by indulging in elaborate turns of phrase."

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>>52716472

>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
The blade is hooked and serrated along the outer edge. The metal is a dull ugly grey except for the pommel of the dagger when a single pale pink gem has been affixed.

>2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
At the back of the shop a man is arms deep in a jar pulling out pickled eggs. From behind a scruffy beard shows a smile with several missing teeth. As he greets the party he waddles over, drying a hand on his apron. If he was any rounder he might well roll out the door.

>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
In one corner a pile of garbage has been heaped, rotting skins of fruits and picked clean bones are barely covered by a nasty cloth. The remnants of a fire have blackened the floor and ceiling on the far side. A few odds and ends were left behind in haste, the most notable a stone knife and a half widdled wooden depiction of a monkey's face.

>>52716472
1. In your hands is a dark steel dagger, wicked sharp with flecks of rust colored stains on the blade and handle, it's cold in your hands, and almost seemingly has an aura of malcontent surrounding it.
2. On entering the shop you can see various odds and ends, simple weapons and a potion or two, behind the counter the shop keep greets you with a nod and a smile, before introducing himself... [insert greetings here]
3. Passing the threshold of the rather large opening, a smell of smoke and blood attack your senses, in the dimness you can see bones are scattered around what appears to be a snuffed fire pit, grime and ofal are strewn about, bed rolls are in the corner, hinting to something bedding down here.

I've never DMd before.

>>52716472
1. That dagger has nothing in particular
2. This shopkeeper is known to scam his customers
3. You feel right at home

My players are bloody contrarians. So i play around that. Reverse psychology is best psychology

>>52716472
1) The dagger glows faintly green in the twilight. You can barely make out the words 'Gott mit Uns' and a totenkopf on the blade itself.

2) A thin Arab in a striped cloak walks out from between the camels. In boisterous voice he shouts, "Hello, hello sadiq, and welcome to Crazy Hassan's used camel stable!"

3) The garage is filled with trash and discarded BTLs. Even without the 'Ork lives matter' posters stapled all over the walls, the smell of B.O. and angst would have been a big enough clue as to who was squatting here last.

>>52716472
1). The blackened and pronged dagger is embossed with the symbol of Bane and adorned with dark gemstones. Blood still drips from the blade.

2). An older woman, graying hair and warm smile, approaches you as you enter her shop. She, in a surprisingly bright voice, asks if she can help you find anything.

3). The chamber is filthy and molded over, with muck strewn about. There is a talisman of a black wolves head hanging on the wall above a small shrine to one of the orcish gods, which a simple knowledge check shows is Yurtrus, god of plagues and death.

>>52724081
If I take that sheath off, will you die?

>>52724151
It would be extremely sharp

1. The tattered handle of the dagger seems to be recently used and the dull yet serrated blade is dented with chips. The pattern of the chips suggests that it has been used often with too much force. (Perception) The use of the blade in its current state would cause an excruciating amount of pain due to the damage on the blade itself.

2. A small jingle from a bell rings as you enter the shop. Immediate rustling somewhere from the back can be heard as you inspect the modest displays of magic and steel plastered on racks around the cramped store. An elf dressed in a simple dress tumbles out of the back room and placed themselves at the front counter. The bags under her eyes are black with fatigue as she stammers out a greeting with a weary smile.

3. The dimly lit chamber reeks of unwashed bodies and molded food. Ill-treated bedrolls bearing brown and black stains lie grouped up in a corner, while the rest of the room is filled with disorganized scraps of rotten food, weapons, and broken furniture. A desecrated painting of countryside hangs proudly near most of the trashed weapons. It bears marks of three-fingered claws painted in red.

>>52724198
You're a big tang.

>Lying on the table, you see a long, ugly dagger, the breadth of the blade worn down from countless whettings. The metal of the blade is colored black from forging, and though it is carefully clean and polished, no glint of light reflects from it.
>The man leans back in his chair with his arms folded behind his head, smiling contently, his eyes shut. At your approach he sits up quickly and greets you jovially.
>Matted straw crunches beneath your feet as you enter the room, and a pungent musk fills your nostrils. Greasy, well-gnawed bones lie scattered about. Disorganized pieces of a rusty, dented suit of metal armor lie in a heap next to the door. It looks to be of dwarven make, but it's clearly been abused in a way no self-respecting dwarven warrior would ever tolerate.

Everyone of these over 1 sentence is trash.

>>52724270
You're trash.

>>52724294
Short and to the point. Better.

>>52724232
U U U U

>>52724378
>See this
>Think "what?"
>Say "what?"
>Oooooooh.

>>52716472
1. This dagger radiates malice. While appearing plain and almost unused, the weapon is tainted by an outside influence. They say that weapons are extensions of their wielders. If that were to be the case, then this dagger...

2. Behind the counter you see a large and rounded man, his mouth hidden by an impressive beard. The greying beard and curls on his head imply age, or at the very least experience. While his clothes are simple and unadorned, they are well kept and quite fine. As you enter, he looks up from a book and a huge grin appears on his face. "Welcome, welcome. I've not seen you folks around before. Tell me what d'ya need? New customers are the best customers they say."
As if he heard the funniest joke, the man breaks out into a brief fit of jolly laughter.

3. The stench of this room is not unlike that of a sty. Body odor, rotting fruits and blood combine to form a rather unpleasant smell. To the side there is a series of crude cots, each stained with sweat of whoever or whatever dwelled within. Though disgusting, this room isn't used by mere beasts. There is a crude, but well kept, axe on a table in the center of the room. This table holds a few trinkets and a set of what appears to be dice.

>>52716472
>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
I must regrettably inform you that you have not been selected for our position as DM, but we hope that you consider applying for our open positions for which you qualify in the future, and wish you success in your continued search.

Now see if you can guess who's never GM'd, who does it on occasion, and who is forever GM.

1. A dagger floats lazily past you on the street and begins to slowly rotate. Suddenly, it flies off in the direction of a halfling child!
2. An adorable young girl pushes a crate up behind the counter and steps up on in. "Grandpa's busy in the lab right now, but I hope I can be an good enough shopkeeper, instead."
3. There is a putrid stench wafting about the wreckage of the prince's chambers. As you get closer to the source of the smell, roll me a save to avoid stepping in it.

>>52716472
1. There's also a dagger here. In a note to the chaotic players: You feel drawn to it.
2. He's fat and balding and the shop stinks like urine and spilt ale. There's a +2 heavy warhammer on the counter -- it's ornated with diamonds worth at least <XP to next level * party number>
3. This is a 10x10 room, just like the others in this orc lair except this time empty.

>>52721470
I'm so glad that I don't have you as a critic.

You're a douche.

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>>52716472
>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
...adjacent to the sprawling pile of occultist texts rests a steel dagger.

>2. A shopekeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
The owner of this humble shop has an old scar across her cheek that tempers her otherwise warm smile.

>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
Stumbling over piles of trash, you find a relatively pristine cauldron filled with grog in the center of the chamber.

>>52716472
1) A well worn, but well cared for dagger. The smell of old blood lingers on the leather of it's hilt, and a number of notches have been carved into it's crossguard.

2) He was once a mountain of a man; still imposing; though his muscles have gone slack from old age. Though the warm smile never leaves his face, you can see a hint of sadness in his eyes when he looks at the place where his legs used to be.

3) Imagine seaman anon's barracks room...

>>52716472
A dagger. A morose shard of steel that reeks of evil

A genial man, scented like cinnamon and with the smile of a jovial uncle rests both palms on the counter, whistling an old tune.

And I can't be bothered

1. Upon closer manipulation of the bizarre looking piece of dark metal, a short blade of similar coloration folds outwards. This toy could easily be concealed behind a forearm, or even in a closed palm when folded up.

2. Entering the store the only other person in sight is currently up on a ladder stocking the shelves. "Just a second, I'll be--" And there she goes, tumbling towards the ground with a good portion of the wares. After sitting herself back up with a hand to her forehead, she sucks some air in between bit together teeth. "R- right, I guess I'm free right now!"

3. The ungodly mix of stenches from what may as well be manure, blood, spoiled food and things left better untold littering the exceedingly damp air makes breathing a particularly aggravating task. Bones litter the spongy mire of a floor where boots sink shin deep. You're not sure what those crude paintings were made in on the slimy walls.

The knife is curved, and razor sharp. Its hilt is wrapped in old, worn leather that smells of dried blood.

The half-man climbs onto a crate behind the counter, beckoning you to approach eagerly. You see a smile behind his gray beard, "What can I do ya' for?"

The rusted hinges on the door squeak as you poen. The foul stench of rotting meat fills your nose, accompanied by the buzzing of flies. Rusted weapons hang from racks littering the room.

>>52716472
>dagger
For being such a well-balanced, finely-crafted weapon, the dagger bears no decoration or maker's marks. The blade is well-worn and looks as though it hasn't seen a whetstone in years. Grime (and presumably dried blood) coat the serrated base of the blade.

>shopkeep
Strangely, the apothecary's shop doesn't smell of fragrant herbs or potent alchemy, but of freshly-baked bread. As you enter, a hunched-over old man looks up from a massive tome on the countertop, and grins broadly.

>disgusting room
The abandoned straw mattresses have clearly been leaking straw for quite some time, and are worn as thin as the scratchy wool blankets that cover them. Chicken bones stripped of meat are heaped in a corner, just under a deep yellow stain on the plaster wall.

>dagger
The knife is well made and kept. You notice right away that the sharpness does not extend the length of the blade and seems made only for the initial stab relying on force to see it through. A closer look shows several strange holes, small and barely precievable without such level of scrutiny. Getting close those offends the nose as the familiar smell of poison fills your nose causing you to drop the thing in fear of poisoning yourself.

>Shopkeep
It's surprisingly sunny outside and the street is filled with people moving hither too and fro. You immediately see and old truck that looks like it's seen several thousand miles and yet yearns for a thousand more and leaning on the hood is a young man and young woman, siblings who ambitions match neatly with the solid determination of the truck

>Orc room
The first thing that hits you is the smell. You open the door and you recoil at the smell of blood and decay and your eyes immediately turn to it's source at the recently killed boar, it's hind legs strung up and a large bucket placed underneath it to catch the blood drooling from well placed stab wounds in the neck and chest region. Otherwise the room looks surpisingly bland with beds made of cloaks stuffed with whatever materials they came across and armor and weapons neatly placed next to them with the only actual bed to be found probably having been claimed by the group's leader from the helmet hanging off the bed's post. Part of the room had been damaged and it seemed new, crude construction being made to accomodate a fire pit for their newly aquired dinner.

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>>52716472
1. "You find a slim knife upon a tray, alongside a pair of bloodied pliers. The handle of the knife is well worn and smells vaguely of rot, yet the blade, while well maintained, is itself far too flimsy to have seen use in combat."

2. "You folks seeking your fortunes, eh? Good on you; wanderlust is good for the body and mind. Here, it's not much, but it'll get you started at least."

3. Fetid meat is splattered across the walls, and you see in the corner a discarded necklace; upon further inspection, it appears to be made of vertebrea. Upon the table you seen a deluge of spilled beer, and a few half-emptied mugs; no coasters, of course.

>>52722464
Basically, when a motherfucker gets too loquacious.

>tfw I only posted here hoping >>52721470 would rate/roast me

>>52732167
I can drop some ratings in a bit.

1) You see a dagger on the ground, the dagger has a green moon engraving on it.
You feel a sense of dread and fear after noticing the green moon.
2) You look around the market place and an individual stands out more than the rest, he's a human with messy blonde hair, blue eyes and a long nose. The sign above his booth reads 'Goldberg Equipment'.
3) As you take a glance at the room you realize how grim it looks, the lighting is dim, there's green slime on the ground and there appears to be odd rotted meat in the corner to your right.

>>52716472
>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
The worn dagger has a stained ivory handle that has seventeen notches carved into it.

>2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
As you enter the shop you see a dwarf well into his years sitting on a high chair behind the till smoking a jaunty looking pipe. As he notices you enter, he gives a polite nod in your direction before returning to reading what seems like an itinerary of some sort. "Let me know if you need help with anything lad."

>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
The first thing that hits you as you enter this room is the horrifying stench permeating throughout it. Hanging from the ceiling are hooks with rancid offal hanging from them, and the walls are covered in crude tribal imagery. There are a few makeshift beds here fashioned out of straw and animal skins, but they hardly seem comfortable. Next to each bed is what seems to be a weapon rack, each holding mostly clubs and spears with the occasional sword and axe.

Dagger
>1. As you investigate the cavern chamber, you note a particularly worn wooden table, chipped and scraped, but sturdy looking, with many notches and strike marks. It is safe to assume from this, along with the various blood stains dried and wet, and the flesh stripped hunks of meat and bone strewn around the chamber, that this table was used as a makeshift butchers block. Taking pride of place on the table, wedged into a particularly deep notch in the stained wood, is a rather vicious looking dagger. Clearly a favoured item of its user, the light wooden handle has been lovingly cleaned and polished, while the dark metal of the flat blade, albeit still slick with fresh blood, appears to be ruthlessly sharp. Its owner can't be too far behind.

Shopdude
>2. As you push the door, a little bell nestled at the top of the frame jingles, announcing your presence. Stepping into the store, you see an older man on one knee, clothed in a simple tan outfit, talking to a young child, a girl who appears to have been decorating one or two patches of the old wooden floor with chalk drawings. He doesn't appear to be scolding her, as he gives the child a quick hug and ushers her into the back room with a quiet "Go see yer Ma." The shopkeeper turns to your group as his face brightens up with a smile, greeting you as he grabs and ties on a nearby almost-white apron. "Greetins strangers," he starts, "S'been a while since we had any fancy trav'lers round. What can I do fer ya?"

actually ran out of space....

>>52733594
cont.

Orcroom
>3. The second shoulder tackle is more than enough to bring down the door to the hunters lodge. Almost immediately the stench of death assails you. The wide open floor space of the lodge makes it apparent that its owner no longer lives, as his corpse, now with flies circling him, sits in a heap in the far corner of the room, complete with a crude jagged knife jutting disturbingly from one of his eye sockets. Various poorly skinned pelts and furs lie scattered across the floor in no particular pattern, seemingly used as bedspreads to those who are willing to ignore the bits of rotting flesh that still remain. Makeshift metal weapons are spread in haphazard heaps around the space, some with fresh blood, others coated in filth and scum that could start at weeks old. Little of the homey charm the original owner had likely intended remains, and the large, cinder black sigil marked on the back wall marks the association of those who now claim ownership.

>>52716472 >>52725791
Second try:

1. There's an iron artifact on the desk, resting in a stand. It has rusted beyond description, but resembles a dagger - and looks recently dug up.
2. Hold on, make an Int check. Remember Lucious Lamprei, the dork you met last week? Remeber he described a magical interdimensional shop? The one that can pop its door even in the middle of a dungeon, yes. His description matches this particular shop.
(if roll failed:) You are 100% sure this is the shop.
3. This looks like a nursery; there's crude craddles and soiled nappies everywhere, and a bowl with severed human hands - each marked with tiny pointy teeth.

>>52716472

>You find a dagger. It's very sharp. When you inspects it handle you notice that the fabric has gone dark from dried in blood, and that it now smells of rust.
>The shopkeeper is a fat-faced man whose face lights up as you enter his store. He looks a bit like a delighted chipmunk.
>The room you enter reeks of unwashed bodies. In one corner of the room find dirty and used pelts that has been used as a bedding. The other corner smells of piss. In the middle of the room there's a big pot where something has been boiling for a long time.

This thread needs more rate/roast. Give it a go, anons.

>>52733959
Not bad but you are describing them as if players were taking actions - inspect the dagger, test its blade, travel the room (how can you tell the urine smell comes from a particular corner?), etc.

>>52733594
>>52733641
Zzzzzz

>>52733348
Nice. 3 is too long but gets the point across.

>>52733183
Pulpy, I like it. 1 is a bit weak.

>>52729943
I like 1 but 2 and 3 are kinda generic, not particulary evocative.

>>52729346
1 - Why would a simple description cause a PC action (drop the knife)? -- at least make them save vs fear or something. 2 and 3 are too long and unfocused, I feel like you're describing details instead of a whole. Not a bad thing (mignola does this a lot) but it depends a lot on how you present the general scene first.

>>52729133
1 and 3 are generic, but 2 is fantastic.

>>52727542
Generic, it sets the tone but stops there.
Half-man sounds amaaaazing tho, is it divided vertically, horizontally, or side to side? Can you see his exposed organs and veins pumping? Does staring bother him?

>>52726787
Not bad, but not particulary evocative.

>>52726350
Love it, I'd play that.

>>52720948
B
A lot of imagery, but much of it is too subtle and indirect

>>52721171
B+
Overall good, but it's weakest point is that it is rather mundane and not strongly memorable

>>52721420
B+
Imaginative, but on the long side

>>52721469
B+
Strong and bold, but the language is a bit too flourished

>>52721515
B+
Very natural, great for games, but the images could be more imaginative

>>52721830
B
Good language, but straying far too close to cliche

>>52721882
B+
Great scenery, but more novel than game

>>52722006
B
Imaginative, but lengthy and somewhat unwieldy

>>52722236
C
Amusing, but more curt than blunt or direct.

>>52722249
B+
Reminds me of classic modules, though that does carry some of the length that was a weakness of older modules
B-
The heavy-handedness could be refined to be sharper and shorter

>>52722667
B-
The details come off as a bit superfluous for a game, though the imagery is clear

>>52723590
C+
The big weakness is that while you do a good job leading them through the scene, you're not directing their focus efficiently

>>52723749
D
Even contrarians would want more to work with

>>52723948
C
Flavorful, but too much of the 4chan flavor

>>52724081
A-
The descriptions serve purpose beyond simply setting the scene and integrate well with a game. The big weakness is that it steers straight for cliche

>>52724203
B
Great scenes, but could easily be trimmed down considerably.

>>52724269
B
Many of the details don't add much, though some details are well chosen

>>52724531
B-
While there's some interesting language and nice details, it is difficult to use these in a game and better in a novel

>>52725779
A-
The scene is set, the players should be curious, and everything is simple and clear. One or two more details wouldn't hurt to help highlight importance though.

>>52725791
C
Very meta, pulling you out of the scene rather than in

>>52726350
B+
Clear and simple, but the images themselves are somewhat lackluster.

>>52716472
1. A wicked dagger, curved and with a small skull on the hilt embedded into the wall as though used to pin a man there.

2. As you enter you are warmly greeted by a rather large and jolly fat fellow with a small beard and a few gold teeth who quickly says "Come in, come in, I have may wares for you here!"

3. As you travel through the murky swamp, you see a very crude building made of dirt, mud, wood and leaves. Outside it is a small fire pit with a big bowl shaped rock next to it and some crude slabs of metal on sticks that are larger then a halfling.

>>52716472
1. The dagger is dripping some pale ooze- it smells terrible, and seems to dissolve anything that isn't the strange looking metal its made out of; its rough and jagged handle indicate a long period of usage by its owner, and undoubtedly a calloused hand.

2. As you walk into the tent, the homely Dwarvish shopkeeper greats you with a wave and a smile. He scratches his long beard as he leans forward the counter with two arms, telling you about how delighted he is to have someone reach his tannery.

3. The next room you step into leads you about an inch of waste- blood, sewage, groundwater, all of this far too much for the shallow drains the former torturers dug.

>>52716472
1. You see a well used fighting knife that is next to a jar of pickled human ears.

2.At the street intersection you were told of there appears to be a ice cream truck. As you walk towards it the owner sicks his he out and says " Hello the special of the day is one free pint of ice cream per purchase of 5 kg or more of C4." ( I did that in a shadowrun game)

3. On entering the room you collectively figure out two things. First the orcs are using it as a makeshift latrine and second yesterday must've been taco tuesday for them.

>>52716472
1. You stumble on the scene to find a man dead, a dagger firmly lodged in his back. Luckily, it doesn't seem like there's anything too special about the murder weapon, just plain ol' cold steel. Well, except for the demon currently holding it, of course.

2. You enter the abandoned asylum and start walking down its main halls, when you encounter a very disheveled and very unhinged looking man, wearing a trench-coat. He spots you with frantic eyes and shouts at you with a strange intensity. "S-s-stay back! They p-p-put me in h-here because I-I-I-I'm a monster! A m-madman! Because, b-b-b-b-because..." He trails off as he huddles down on the floor.
"BECAUSE OF MY INSANELY GOOD DEALS!" The formerly despondent man shouts as he shoots up from the ground, opening his trench-coat to show a variety of knick-knacks and items no sane man would sell for such a low, low price.

3. It smells like a high school locker room, there's more pelts and furs around the place than Cruella de Vil's dream home, and there's a crude statue built with the skill of an elementary school child in the center, draped in charred meat, macaroni art, and crayon drawings of green-skinned stick figures.
This can mean only one thing.
*Orcs*.

>>52726520
B-
Not terrible, but not exciting

>>52726607
C-
Some odd choice of vocabulary

>>52726787
B+
Good imagery, but could be more succinct

>>52727542
B
Functional, but rather straightforward with few risks taken

>>52729133
B+
Could be more direct and less lengthy, but good scenes.

>>52729346
B
This seems more like the descriptions you'd find in a Visual Novel than a tabletop game. A little generic and lengthy, but thorough

>>52729943
B-
Each has a good sentence, but then some rather unnecessary extras

>>52733183
C+
The language is clear, but it's not compelling and makes some heavy judgements for the players

>>52733348
B
Subtle and not overbearing, but could be much more concise

>>52733594
>>52733641
B
Good scene setting, but needs to be far shorter to keep the players' interest and to emphasize what's really important

>>52733879
B
Very interesting ideas, but the language could use work

>>52733959
B-
A little too simple and flat, and everything could be reduced to the more encompassing details.

>>52735286
B
Rather cliche, but it flows well

>>52735681
B
Interesting ideas, but the language is rather clumsy and could be shortened to focus on the key notes.

>>52736260
B-
Quirky and quickly sets the tone, but falls a little flat

>>52733959

>Not bad but you are describing them as if players were taking actions - inspect the dagger, test its blade, travel the room (how can you tell the urine smell comes from a particular corner?), etc.

Thanks. Some liberties were taken since of the stuff can't really be fairly described before the players properly inspect them (well, at least not without using ridiculous props, and I'm not really into that).

I mean, I could wax on about how when you enter the orc room you are hit with almost a solid wall of stench and how dirty the room seem at sight, but I prefer to be brief and let my players interact a bit (it also gives me time to think on the fly).

>>52738084
>>>52733879
>Very interesting ideas, but the language could use work
Thanks! Can you elaborate? (I'm not native)

>>52716781
>Nailed it.
Actually I think he took a real good stab it.

>>52716472
>Dagger.
"(blah blah blah) you find a well worn dagger. It's blade is meticulously clean, but shows great signs of use, and it's handle has been worn smooth to a man's grip. It has an unfamiliar abstract emblem engraved on the butt.."

>Shopkeeper
"An eager middle-aged woman whose frame seems more suited to hog farming than coin counting beams a gap-toothed grin at you. She has a single eyebrow which runs all the way across her forehead. 'Welcome to Custom Coulture, customer! How can Misha aid you?' "

>Disgusting Orc Room
"As soon as the door opens, a heavy musk of body odor and Orcish cooking, but i repeat myself, floods the hallway. Though the ashes of the stove have long gone cold, there are still some lanterns burning, illuminating the empty kitchen."

>>52722464
excessive words

>>52716472
1. *rolls dice, beats AC* You feel a stinging pain in your kidney. Someone shouts behind you: "he's been stabbed!"

2. Hi, my name is Shopkeep, and I've got magic items I want to give you.

3. The floor is covered with a thin layer of crusty, wadded up leafs, and adorning the walls are crude drawings of human women.

>>52738356
My main issue with the language is simply that it's got a bit of a distinct staccato rhythm. There's something, and then there's something, and then there's something, but then there's something. I'm just personally a fan of language that flows into itself a little easier.

And, while it's good that you took some grammar and composition risks, I don't think they paid off since the ideas were good enough to be communicated in a more direct and simpler manner. I like the lump of a dagger and the traveling shop reminds me of Howl's, and a simpler description might have been enough to sell the idea to players easier.

>>52716472

1. The dagger seems normal, but you get a feeling of dread whenever you look at it.

2. A young human man with golden hair, and a wry smile greets you as you enter the store.

3. As you open the door, you are assaulted by the scent of rotting meat and fly infested shit.

1) This dagger is wavy, lithe, and forked at the end, with a long bloodline down to the guard. It's handle is scaly in texture, and it's guard is the image of a snake's head, mouth open, teeth flared as a bladecatch- the sinuous blade standing in for the snake's tongue. it's red, gem eye glimmers in the flamelight, almost as if it stares at you, beckoning you- let it taste flesh.

2) As you walk into the door, a hoarse voice calls out "Hello there young man!" as the old man behind the counter sits up from half leaning against the counter. His face is gaunt, but his smile is warm; his nose is a bit crooked, and his crow's-feet have graduated to raven's feet, but the look in his brown eyes is still keen and jubilant. His whispy, cotton candy white hair defies gravity in it's tangles, but obeys a safe perimeter around the balding patch that shines like an oasis pool under the lamplight.

3) It smells... Racid. Your eyes water as the smell hits you- but you muscle through- peering into this cramped space. Not long ago, this must have been a study; but the inhabitants care nothing of the dedication and long hours of work put into both the scripture and the furniture; instead it has been turned to a private bunk. The books have been divided; some only figuratively- as the shells of some sit by the side of a smouldering firepit that smells like the velium that once was. A cobbled bed looks to have once been a bookshelf- judging by the legnth of it- a desk- by the patchwork extention n the bottom so that ork feet don't hang off the edge at night- and a chair- by the fact that the seat now stands in for a pillow. Scattered papers atop the bunk are yellowed with sweat and filth, a trail of them leading to a bucket in the corner- which has many of them scattered around it for puppy-training an orc to use indoor plumbing- just in case he doesn't hit the hole the first time.

>tfw nobody around to rate your writing

>>52716472

1. A rusty and well worn dagger with a black handled with a skull shaped pommel is found inside an odd geometrical shape made up of a two overlapping triangles and containing a pot filled with a dark red substance, a small container of ash, a black rose, a yellow tulip and a bone

2. At the shop stand there stands a man with red cheeks a slight smile and glowing blue eyes, he seems to be energetic tried to get everyone passing by to take a look at his wares, making claims that they are the best in the town. When you aproach him his eyes spark up

3. You walk up into a dark and dingy room filled with rusty iron tools and chains with spores of a strange fungi gather in the corners of the room. The room smells like dried blood and rotting meat.

>>52716472
1. You inspect the dagger for but a moment and note it's sharp blade. You run your hand across it and instinctively pull your hand back as you feel something reach out to your mind. You heard but one word in a language you don't understand or perhaps a name.

2. As you enter the shop near the center of town. You notice quite immediately a beautiful raven haired woman with her hair kept in a pony tail and a smile that bids you to enter further. As you approach you notice she is wearing an apron with several nicknacks in several pockets as well as a decently sized coin purse safely tied at her side.

3.You open the heavy door and into the next room only to be assaulted by a horrifying smell. You take a moment to try and fight through the stench to see the room is covered in grime and muck. The floor has a few scattered bones and coins along the floor. To the east side of the room are a few beds made from hay that look tossed about. More near the center is one table with a few chairs surrounding it. The only thing in the room that is in any order is a shield upon the wall bearing markings of some sort.

>>52716472
1. "Tucked away in the shadows you find a single dagger, as if it were hiding from the rest of the world. As you examine it by the flickering torches, you see several notches carved into the handle. What they are counting, you can only imagine.'

2. "A cheery bell jangles as you step through the door. 'Oh goodness me,' says the elderly woman behind the counter, 'You're a bit early dears, but you're welcome to have some tea while I finish setting up."

3. "The smell from outside hardly prepared you for the carnage inside. Butchered carcasses, mottled bedrolls and rusty weapons lay strewn around the room, all covered in a sheen of muck, mold and maggots. In the center of the room is a single totem, crafted from bone and fur, the hollow eyes of the skull that adorns it, gazing down upon you all."

>>52716472
>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
"The dagger gives you a very odd feeling, like something is off about it"

>2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
"The shopkeeper is a big, burly and happy man. Since you're new in town, he offers you all free drinks"

>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
"The room contains no enemies, but it bears the distinct smell of orc nonetheless"

>>52716472
>A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
If you are using things like this, you are a shit-tier GM by default

Oh, wait, you've asked for DUNGEON Master, not Game Master...So you are shit-stain with no redeeming qualities

>>52748308
Is he?

>>52716472
1.A Sinister blade nicked with neat rows, the blade stained with the sin of ages, dully sits, perfectly upright, in his spine .
2. A friendly smile, steady eyes, and bright voice greets you as the shopkeepr stands behind her till, hands folded in a familar geuasture of freindship
3. Empty, if you could you call it so, the room was packed with meats and fine cheeses. or what smells like fine meats and cheeses. You do not return. to this room again

1. The dagger has a long, triangular blade that has been blackened with soot and honed to a razor edge. It's plainness suggests that whoever it belongs to regards it as more of a tool than a weapon.

2. As you enter the shop, you see a dwarven shopkeeper with well-groomed beard smile at you from behind the counter. "What'll it be, lads?"

3. Though the room is now grimy, you can still see signs that its previous owners took care of it, as most of the furniture seems to be well-made. What became of them is not entirely clear, though the human head mounted above the doorway suggests their fate was not pleasant.

>>52735267
>A lot of imagery, but much of it is too subtle and indirect

If anything I thought the pale yellow stains and the burnt bricks were too explicit.

>>52716472
>This dagger's design suggests it belongs to someone of an evil disposition.

>The shopkeeper hopes to establish a friendly relationship with your characters.

>The room looks and smells disgusting, like a bunch of Orcs used it.

1 The auctioneer raps his hammer on the desk. "Lot 31- a knife belonging to the infamous serial killer Sammy Hyde. A real talking piece. First bid, starting at $50. Any takers?"

2 Warm sunlight streams in through the floral patterned stained-glass windows. The shop walls are decorated with a cute wallpaper depicting puppies, kittens and greatswords. Behind the counter, a pair of axes hang, bound with pink ribbon. The little girl wakes up, and lifts her head from the counter, rubbing sleep from her eyes and stifling a yawn.

3 The hotel room is littered with broken glass and fast food wrappers. The bathtub is full of green slime. Someone has wiped their ass on the curtains.

>>52716472
1. A dagger rests before you on a pillow of velvet, and a plinth of what looks to be pure gold. It is lit from all side with colored lights in shades of white and blue and red. As you examine it, you see that the dagger's hilt is made of ivory and covered in gold embossed eagles, while the blade itself is made of gold with two letters picked out in diamonds.
D and T.

2. As you enter the ramshackle little store you are greeted by the smell of lemon, and a smile with more warmth than teeth. A very little and very old lady leans on a counter petting a cat, and bids you welcome.

3. You all file into the barracks, to view a hideous sight. A green painted room, with darker green trim, and little pastel green knit doilies. Above the mantle of a crackling fire is a little (green) crochet picture that reads, "WAAAAAAAGH".

>>52716472
1. The dagger keeps a sharp killing edge. It is meticulously maintained, and holds that unmistakable stench of human death that cannot be erased with simple cleaning. It is not well-marked by signs of clashing with other blades, but of plunging into the defenseless. As an experienced warrior who can read the story told by a blade, you can tell plainly that its owner is a murderer.

>>52716694
Excuse me for newfagness, but DMG? That a resource?

>>52749405
Dungeon Master's Guide

The blade of the dagger is curved and extremely thin.
There are rust stains all over it and they mix well with a substance of similar color covering its entire length.

The old man behind the counter hails you and smiles cordially as you enter the shop, then clumsily drops a potion he was holding.
"Sorry, lads. I dropped my glasses and can't see anything."
There is an iron golem standing in each corner of the room.

The room smells terribly. It seems that somebody slept on the floor instead of using the bed judging by the torn rags thrown there.
Part of the wood near the rags is a shade darker than the rest.

Not sure if shit, I'm not a native speaker

>>52749474
http://dnd.wizards.com/products/tabletop-games/rpg-products/dungeon-masters-guide

This?

>>52749504
Yup

>>52716472
1. Symbol of local insane murderape or god on the hilt.
2. Your average friendly sales manager with loyalty program
3. Heavily pregnant elf slave with signs of gangrape.
Or traditional orc decorations like ornated boar skull or tooth necklaces

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>>52749586
Thanks desu.

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I have a problem with brevity. Could someone help condense the information herein?

1. Shadows writhe around the obsidian blade. The guard and pommel are of pitted morghuth-iron, and the whole weapon emits a sickeningly sulfurous scent. It is surely of Gehennan yugoloth make.

You successfully concentrate your will and dupe the blade into thinking you a daemon. Helical streams of argent and aureate soul-stuff erupt from the dagger's tip. They coalesce into hundreds of phantasmal figures around the vast vault. Each resembles a female celestial of great pulchritude, be she a white-feathered aasimon, a flame-winged asuras, a stately archon, an animal-featured guardinal, or an elfin-eared eladrin. Some are petite and childlike; others are voluptuous hourglasses. Each shade's attire is sultry and degrading. The young ladies each bear a bloodless stab-wound over their ghostly heart.

"How might we serve you today, master?" the celestials call out in eerie unison, their tone that of a courtesan. The soul-forms strike alluring poses and enchanting smiles, but those smiles never reach their lifeless eyes.

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2. Seated behind the marble counter is a young girl with canine ears and a bushy dog-tail. She is dressed like a little secretary, with waistcoat, pencil skirt, and pantyhose. Her wavy hair is too silvery and metallically lustrous to be natural, and the child bears the pleasant scent of holy saltwater. The argent glow around her is extremely faint; she is probably a half-hound-archon rather an full-blooded celestial.

The puppy dozes fitfully, arms and head on the counter. "Mama... please... y-you do not have to join the fighting this week. I-It is looking very dangerous..." she murmurs before whimpering as a puppy might.

The doggirl's nose twitch-twitch-twitches as you approach. She throws open teary blue eyes and jolts to attention, furry ears and fluffy tail bristling. "A-Ah! I am sorry, I am so so sorry," she apologizes meekly, head lowered.

The puppy takes a deep breath, clears her throat, and casts arms wide. "W-Welcome to Lunian Legacies, your one-stop shop for the Silver Sea's t-treasures!" she stammers out in a shaky voice. "Mama--err, the owner and usual clerk is away, b-but I can do my best to procure what you are looking for." The half-celestial puts on a bright smile, but the quiver in her jaw and her sagging ears and tail suggest far less confidence.

3. You ignore the nauseating charnel smell, draw upon your medical knowledge, and identify the crushed-to-a-pulp remains as those of hobgoblins. It seems that they were chained down to the ground, and had an extremely heavy weight slowly lowered upon them, perhaps a quarter-inch each hour. A painful execution method to be sure.

Turning your gaze upwards to Avalas's wartorn void and mentally triangulating, the nearest iron cube is still a few miles away. The surface facing you seems devoid of any military fortifications, yet engraved upon it is the massive, triangular symbol of the orc-god Gruumsh. You can swear that the distant cube is ever so slowly drifting towards the cube you currently stand on.

>>52716472
>No one actually has the dagger talk to the players to suggest that it's owner is evil.

>>52738084
>>>52726520 #
>B-
>Not terrible, but not exciting

Yeah I like using imagery, but have trouble with going to far.

I'm often too wordy and here I tried to parse down, will have to work on it.

Thanks for the feedback!

>>52716472
The dagger sits next to a glass on a table. Chillingly enough, the glass has no coaster.

The shopkeeper sells coasters.

There are no coasters in this room.

1. The handle is unadorned and plain, looking like a dozen others that you've seen since you've arrived in the city. The blade, 7 inches long and dual edged, glistens with a sickly sheen and bears the inscription, "Stab Thrice".

2. An older Slavic man, wearily leaning over his counter as he eyes you entering his store. As you enter he stands upright, one hand drifting under the counter as the other raises in a friendly wave, inadvertently pointing to a sign reading, "SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN."

3. It looks like someone wrote "ORKZ RULE" over the walls with dried feces.

>>52716584
>a corpse like body
really? the body is like a corpse? i never would have guessed

bumparooni

How about cyberpunk?

1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
>Truman swore he'd have your augmentations done in 3 days. That was over a week ago and you haven't heard shit. Only reasons you can think that he's gone dark are that he's found himself in some serious shit, or he's flipped on you. Either way, you gotta have the augs. Time for an unannounced visit. The keypad to his apartment door is acting screwy. Hacked to hell and back and its all kinds of fucked. Truman is always fucking with that kind of shit though. Probably another work in progress. The doors unlocked so you invite yourself in. It's cold. But it's always cold. Has to be cold for the aug process. You head down the hall to his work room to your augs disassembled sitting on a work bench clearly missing the upgrade chip and Truman slumped over asleep at his console...fucking asshole. You try to shake him awake and he falls to the floor like a rag doll. You roll him over to find a knife in his chest with the upgrade chip skewered in between. His console shows text blinking the words "Steal from YUKO CYBERNETICS and suffer the consequences..."

2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
>Kage is the owner of Neon Nites, the night club that is your home away from home. In a world full of augmented people, he's still 100% natural and he wears vintage suits right outta the 20th century. He's old school and he aims to keep it that way. Neon Nites has great music, cheap booze, good drugs, big guns...whatever you need, Kage either has it or knows someone who can get it. His only rule is you gotta dance. He didn't open no club for a bunch of fucking losers to sit around and drown their sorrows one glass at a time. It's depressing. If you show up to Nites, and you don't dance, you'll be out on your ass . At Neon Nites it's always party time.

3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
>I guess it smells like shit? Orcs are gay.

>>52716472
1) "The blade is crafted from solid bone, its yellowed and stained enamel showing signs of great, vigorous use over many years. The base is crude, wrapped tightly but inexpertly in strips of pale grey leather that produce the faint, musky smell of liniment."

2) "The man standing behind the counter is middle-aged and elven, silver hairs poking out from between short black locks that frame his pale green eyes. Those eyes crinkle into an easy, sincere smile as he looks up at you, closing a ledger under his weathered hand. He coughs into the sleeve of his burgundy coat, his clothes are old and worn but tidy, well-cared for. (spoken respectfully) 'Welcome. How may I be of service?'"

3) "The room is unoccupied but filled with debris. Two wooden chairs lie on their sides, a third splintered against the stone table that rests in the centre of the chamber. Brown, glinting shards of glass cover the ground beneath the far wall, where someone has crudely painted a dark red target symbol on the stones. More bottles, some still full of blackish brew, sit in a crate beside the table. They stink of rum and turpentine."

>brevity

Like Shaekespear knew shit about brevity.

>>52722330
A+ post very educative memery

>>52757265
not OP but those are some long fuckin descriptions for in-game

>>52716472
1. You arrive at the scene of the crime, a middle class home just off the market district. Stuck to the door with a dagger is a ransom note, demanding ten thousand gold for the return of the kidnapped child.

2. You enter the scroll shop, which smells like paper and fresh bread. An elderly dwarven woman sits behind the counter, reading [party bard's latest work]. Hearing the bell above the door ring, she sets the novel aside and stands to greet her customers.

3. Descending into the burrow, you feel a crunch beneath your armored feet. In the flickering torchlight you see a small cavern. Bones, sharpened and half buried in the ground, act like caltrops to dissuade intruding animals. One corner features a bed of animal hides, and hung up on the wall above it are tribal charms. The room smells of blood and sweat, but its occupant must be out.

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>>52716766

>>52716472
1) You notice the dagger has strange, forboding runes on it.
2) As you walk into the store, you see a middle aged guy manning the counter. He has a warm smile and kind eyes.
3) The room is coated with filth, and has obviously not been cleaned. Guessing from the Orcish clutter scattered around, this room was inhabited by Orcs.

One issue with this test is that we have no context, and so have to make our own.

>>52737771
B+
Far too long for a game, but highly amusing

>>52740233
B-
These are book descriptions, and the details don't add much to the character

>>52741487
C+
Not really good at all, but at least there's a strong sense of you having fun, which shouldn't be undervalued.

>>52744208
C+
Simple and concise, but very boring

>>52744468
B
A lot of good details, but too many, too minute, and somewhat repetitive. Much of these could be saved for if the players further examine them.

>>52747256
B-
The details mentioned are rather small and focused, while the broader strokes are ignored, making the descriptions feel long

>>52747372
B
Better suited for a book, but it's good that there are details the players can engage with

>>52748220
B-
The language is rather flowery and lengthy while aiming straight for cliche, but there is something warm and nostalgic about it

>>52748295
C
Functional, but rather dull

>>52748438
B-
These are more like Japanese poems than descriptions for players. They have an oddly pleasant rhythm, but they do come across as odd.

>>52748864
B
The details seemed mentioned just to mention details, though the last one is a bit better in that regard

>>52749234
B
You're taking interesting risks and the ideas are lively, but sone of the risks didn't really pay off

>>52749307
B
The build ups don't deliver much of a punchline at their end, and could be much quicker altogether.

>>52749323
B-
This feels like a visual novel, and makes some leaps of judgement

>>52749488
B-
Some interesting details, but the scenes lack a strong tone

>>52749593
C-
Lacks any subtlety or artistry, but at least they're bold and direct

>>52750156
>>52750167
B
A lot of great ideas, but you should focus more on the immediate first impression and cut what might not either as immediate or enticing

>>52754244
D
A weak meme most players wouldn't find all that amusing even after you explained the joke

>>52754531
B-
Somewhat clunky and not very engaging

>>52757265
B-
Some fun ideas, but these are the intros to short stories rather than descriptions during a game

>>52757598
B
You can be a little more direct and use broader strokes when describing things in a game for players

>>52761762
B+
Well-established scenes, but a bit on the long side and somewhat generic

>>52762585
B
Direct and functional, but could use one or two more interesting details for spice and flavor.

>>52763371
>B
>You can be a little more direct and use broader strokes when describing things in a game for players

I don't understand what you want. You say I should be more direct but you deduct points from others for lacking subtly or merely being 'functional'. According to your own words >>52722428 you desire evocative language, brevity, establishing tone, and key details. I do not feel that I have failed to include any of those requirements.

I request that you rephrase my descriptions in a manner that would earn an A+ according to your grading metric. Please describe the bone knife, the older elven shopkeep, and the room with broken bottles in a manner that you would consider flawless. I would also appreciate you explaining how, specifically, your phrasing is superior to my own.

I ask this of you with sincerity.

>>52716472
>1
Upon examining the dagger, the first thing you think of as you turn it over in your hand is how easily it would slide between the <insert party member's class>'s ribs.

>2
You enter the building out of the driving rain; a welcome respite. The shopkeeper greets you heartily and offers you some tea to warm you.

>3
The hide hanging in the opening gives way to an empty, but by the smell, not abandoned, Orcish outpost.

Not really my best.

>>52716472
1) This dagger seems to have been lovingly polished and sharpened, though it's grip looks worn from frequent use. The pommel bears a dizzying geometric pattern that's easy to get lost in.
2) As you enter the shop, the man behind the counter greets you with an emphatic wave. He's a hefty, older man with scars decorating his meaty arms and face. "Everything's twenty percent off lads, and it was already cheaper than those bastards at the Merchant's Guild!"
3) Matted furs surround the dying embers of a campfire, the shredded remains of a hog tossed off into the corner, seemingly eaten raw. Crude paintings on the walls depict bestial avatars and gods long forgotten by civilized men. A few crude spears are propped up in another corner, seemingly forgotten in the previous occupants' haste.

Out of curiosity, OP, do you usually play with text, with voice, or in person?

>>52716472
1. "The dagger is dull at the point, and barbed on one edge. A discoloration on the blade suggests that some sort of acidic poison has been used repeatedly."

2. "The old man smiles at you and asks if there's anything you're looking for in particular. Occasionally, he has a coughing fit... but he assures you it's nothing once he catches his breath."*
3. "Females of multiple races, young and old, are chained to the wall here... they barely acknowledge your presence. The younger ones stare off into space. The older ones just look at the dirty floor."

>>52764255
The points I deducted from others and yourself were often because they didn't strike a balance between artistry and function. While others could use more subtly, you could be more direct.

Most of the details you chose are not what I would call "key". It being a bone dagger says enough about it being crude and primitive without further describing the wrapping of its handle or a faint smell, and those sort of details simply pad the description.

As far as rewording the bone knife, for a game where I was trying to suggest it belonged to someone evil, I'd need something more than it being simply well-worn. Some good choices for details are those that help the item tell a part of the story, offering clues to the players like symbols of particular cults or a small spike in the handle that would ensure anyone using it would likewise have their own hand cut and bloodied.

"A crude bone dagger adorned with twelve gold or silver wedding bands strung on a dangling leather strap" is an item that should catch the player's interest, though even that particular description might not be better than a B+.

Overall, a B is a solid grade, but your main weakness is describing things like if it were a book, and a game is both faster paced and requires more engagement from the audience. A good description is something the player can play with.

>>52716472
I'll give it a shot

>besides the furniture toppled everywhere in the rush to flee, the only thing left behind is a dagger dropped near the window. The worn handle is a victim of long years of use, to be sure, but the blade has been kept wickedly sharp. If it wasn't crusted over with blood, you'd swear it was gleaming in the moonlight.

>Even before you open the door, you can just about hear the laughter. Casting open the door you see a large bearded man behind the counter roaring in delight as a younger man, his son perhaps, leans back onto the counter while spinning a yarn about some minor happening in town. Upon seeing you, he throws open his arms and beckons you further into the shop.

>The light flickering over the room reveals a sizeable hall that's maybe seen better days. Torn tapestries, discarded tools, bedding, and at least one bent chandelier have been strewn around a now-smoldering bonfire made from what must have been this hall's furniture. It's hard to tell in this light whether that pile in the corner is rotting meat or refuse, but the rats don't seem to mind. A crude symbol has been scrawled onto a few pillars.

>>52716472
>Theres a short-pointy loot that has -4 to damage and attack if you are neutral or good

>You meet a loot baloon with great loot, but (put down the dice jared) this loot balloon will give you greater loot for your lesser loot. Over time he will continue to accumulate greater loot.

>The room smells like Ray but more onion-y than foot smell. There are no piles of Exp/loot to be found.

>>52767099
I challenge your analysis on two fronts. First, you didn't actually rewrite my descriptions as I requested, which indicates that you're either unwilling or unable to present this mythical A+ grade you dangle before our collective eyes. Second, I disagree with your opinion that a weapon needs something akin to the symbol of a cult or a self-mutilating spike to suggest its owner's intentions. To give an analogy, people will realize a cake is being baked from the smell coming from the kitchen, you don't need to hold a piece under their nose and say "Look, cake! Cake!"

I believe that you are avoiding rephrasing my sentences because you are afraid of being criticized or analyzed as you have done to the dozens of people in this thread. If I am wrong then, please, prove me wrong. Post your revised version of my three descriptions for everyone to see. If your next reply is anything short of that, then I simply can't respect your expertise in this matter.

>>52716472

1) This plain knife carries a heavy weight but can always be found in the back of a former friend.

2) She has a heavy heart and weathered skin, but she lets a hopeful smile shine through her sorrows.

3) Stinking of sweat, rotting food and death it's difficult to tell whether this room is a dining hall or garbage pit.

>>52716472
1. “A dagger with an ebony hilt adorned with fine carvings. You can make out traces of engravings on the blade, but the metal is oddly discolored, and the tip crusted with dried blood.”

2. “You push open the door and are greeted by a cheerful ‘Palim-palim,’ as the owner imitates the sound of a doorbell. The man, his hair and beard a little disheveled but his clothes trim and proper, smiles at you from behind the counter: ‘How may I help the ladies and gentlemen? We've got a fine selection of things you might not need, but you never knew you wanted!”

3. “A thick, musty stench assaults your noses. Straw and gnawed bones lie scattered around the floor, along with a rusted knife or two. Buzzing flies draw your eyes to the far corner of the room, which has apparently been converted to a latrine.”

>>52768051
>First, you didn't actually rewrite my descriptions as I requested,

I offered you a rephrasing of your first description. "Crude bone dagger" gets most of the point you were hoping to get across in three words, rather than thirty. That leaves you with plenty of room to provide something that can actually be called interesting. As it is now, that description is for an item of little note that could easily be one of several found in an orcless orc room. It's not really worth describing.

If you're here for an argument, or for me to provide you with some credentials so that I can cow you into taking my criticisms to heart, I'm sorry. I am an anonymous and bored person offering opinions, largely just from the perspective of a player who is not playing the game in order to hear a preview of the GM's next novel.

>Second, I disagree with your opinion that a weapon needs something akin to the symbol of a cult or a self-mutilating spike to suggest its owner's intentions

Those were quick examples to illustrate that you can use a description to move the story forward, and it could be more subtle than those if that's your flavor of "very evil." It may not need be a "Crude bone knife with Orcus's symbol", but it needs to be more than just "Crude bone knife."

Please, feel free to disregard my advice, because I'm not exactly getting paid to be your personal editor. But, you do have a bit of difficulty understanding the economy of a description, especially in the context of describing things in a game. The smell of a cake is enough to tell people it's there. You don't really need to then continue to drag them through a list of subtleties when it's really only just a cake. Even just saying "It's a cake" is better than a prolonged waltz of details which ultimately culminate in the players wondering why they need to care so much about candied violets and buttercreme frosting and freckles of dried strawberry powder.

>>52716472
1) "It's a decent quality knife of the sort you'd buy in a homeware store that from your inspection is well used but scrupulously cleaned every time, as if the owner is eager to make it appear unused. You also find an easily concealed sheath for it.

2) "At this time of night there's only a single cashier on, and it's clearly a college kid looking to cover tuition with a part time job. He looks resigned to the fact he'll have to ID you when he sees you look at the beer."

3) "The fort's break room has had its tables smashed and the fridges filled with grim looking meat. There is a smear of blood along one wall, probably from a fight, and someone has painted rough glyphs matching those you saw outside on the greasy counter."

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>>52768706
You want brevity but complain when there aren't enough details. When there are lots of details you complain that it's too long. When there's a decent middle-ground you complain that it looks prefabricated, like a novel instead of off-the-cuff GMing speak. When asked how you would describe things with an A+ rating you hide behind anonymity, saying you're 'not being paid to do this'.

You are the definition of an armchair critic. Every single earnest description written in this thread has more value to it than the sum of your criticism.

>>52768706
I'm not being paid to make up descriptions for your games either.

>>52769311
>When there are lots of details you complain that it's too long
A long description isn't bad if the parts are interesting, and my evaluations took into account that some ideas do need more space to get them across.

>When there's a decent middle-ground you complain that it looks prefabricated

Now you're just getting confused. When I say something reads like it's from a book, I'm not saying it's plagiarized, but that it fits the slower pacing of a novel than the quicker pace required for a spoken game. When writing, you need to adapt to the purpose of writing.

>When asked how you would describe things with an A+ rating you hide behind anonymity

You mean I try to keep you from diverting the discussion to be about me.
If I've bruised your ego, let me reiterate. I'm reserving "A's" for examples that exceed expectations and can be used as particularly good examples of how to make descriptions for games. A "B" is a good grade, since a "C" is average. Every description here that got at least a B- should be content if not happy, and even the people who got graded lower simply have room for improvement.

Most important of all, if you want to call me an armchair critic to preserve your own ego, feel free. I'm just a no one providing quick feedback in a thread that caught my interest on an anonymous image board. If you personally feel that your descriptions are flawless, go ahead and give yourself an A+. Give yourself an A+ even if you don't think they're flawless.

I'm not here to pretend to be an expert. I just wanted to offer my opinions. To put it bluntly, I personally found your descriptions to have superfluous details and for the end result to not be particularly interesting. The language is good, but more suited for a book than a game.
As a player, I would politely listen, but there's nothing that makes me want to interact with or even remember your descriptions, since nothing caught my interest. And I reiterate, that's just how I feel.

>>52769900
>You mean I try to keep you from diverting the discussion to be about me.

Go fuck yourself. If you were trying to do THAT, you'd have stopped posting by now.

>>52769900
>Most important of all, if you want to call me an armchair critic to preserve your own ego, feel free.
Says the egomnaniac who thinks his opinions about other people's writing is actually meaningful.

>>52769954
You seem oddly hostile.
I just thought the people who put descriptions in this thread might like some feedback. If you don't like the grades I've given, go ahead and give your own. It's not like the OP or anyone else will begrudge you for providing critiques.

And, it's still not about me or will ever be about me. I'm still anonymous, though you should have a better understanding of what my grades meant even if you don't agree with them.

>>52770033
Lying tends to evoke hostility, yes. I notice you're STILL talking about yourself.

>>52769900
>I'm not saying it's plagiarized
Neither am I. Prefabricated means to create in advance for quick assembly or delivery at a later point. A description written out by the GM and then read out or paraphrased during the game is prefabricated. You seem to dislike any description that looks like it belongs on a page instead of natural speech, and I find that a completely unfair and unfounded criticism, doubly so when we're communicating on a TEXT-BASED MEDIUM.

>If you personally feel that your descriptions are flawless, go ahead and give yourself an A+.
I never said my work was flawless, I never even implied it. I simply asked that you give a detailed analysis of what specifically was wrong with all three of my descriptions, and here's the important part, I asked that you give your OWN version of my writing, to show how you can do it better, to show me what excellent writing looks like so I can improve myself. You have repeatedly, categorically, failed to write your own descriptions of the three examples. Your criticism comes in the most general of terms, indicative of someone who has no idea what they are talking about but merely wants to SOUND intelligent and important.

Admit it. You will never give us your A+ version of the three examples because you know that you don't have the chops to do so. You are afraid that we will tear apart your writing and criticize your tone and prose as you have criticized so many people in this thread. As long as you give no writing of your own you remain aloof and above it all, basking in some false sense of superiority over these random people on the internet.

I'll say it again. Every single earnest description written in this thread has more value to it than the sum of your criticism. No, more than that. Each and every one of them has ten times your courage. They put their writing out here for all to see and you've just been tearing into it to stroke your own ego.

Disagree? Then prove me wrong or shut the hell up.

>>52771071
Well, you know what they say - if you can't become an author, you become a critic.

>>52771113
You wouldn't trust an obese person to be your dietician or your physical trainer. You wouldn't trust a person who was blind from birth to teach you photography or how to drive. You wouldn't trust a shitty writer to be your editor.

>>52771071
>You seem to dislike any description that looks like it belongs on a page instead of natural speech, and I find that a completely unfair and unfounded criticism, doubly so when we're communicating on a TEXT-BASED MEDIUM.

When critiquing descriptions used in adventures, I generally have a HEAVY bias against descriptions that pause the game and need to GM to switch into a stilted "Description Mode." It's a major weakness in older adventures, and one you can still find on occasion in modern ones where the writers forget what they're supposed to be writing. One of the easiest ways to suck the momentum out of a game is a dull and overly long description of something the players don't even need to care about.

>You have repeatedly, categorically, failed to write your own descriptions of the three examples.

Let me put it bluntly. Your descriptions can't be rewritten into A's. There's not enough in them to actually make players care, and their bogged down with details that just reiterate a rather basic point. I gave you an example ("A crude bone dagger adorned with twelve gold or silver wedding bands strung on a dangling leather strap") of how to take your first idea, take out the superfluous details, add in an element of interest, and that only carried it into B+ territory.

> You are afraid that we will tear apart your writing and criticize your tone and prose as you have criticized so many people in this thread.

What I'm afraid of is your hostility and what seems to be your intent to shit up a thread. I'm just hoping this is more of a bruised ego reaction though.

>Then prove me wrong or shut the hell up.
If you disagree with my assessment of your description, that's fine. I hope that I've explained what I don't like about your descriptions, but if they work for you, do what you do.

>>52716472
The slim, short blade has a number of kinks and bends in it. The handle is made of black iron, and is decorated with a screaming skull on the pommel.

The homely man greets you with a warm smile as you walk in the door. There's a glint of that same warmth mirrored in his eye. He moves slowly but stolidly behind the counter, and motions you forward.

Upon entering the room, you practically have to wade through the disgusting miasma produced by it. The decaying remains of food and scraps of used clothing lie haphazardly around.

>>52716472
>1 This worn blade is finely crafted from steel, a foot long from point to handle. You note several tiny notches in the blade, and the slight discoloration suggests it has bathed its share in blood.
>2 This cheerful young man is about average height, counting the wares as you enter. He sets his notes and glasses aside as he steps behind the counter and asks, "Ah, you seem to be travelers. How can I help you? I've got a deal on rope currently going on. I hear it's a popular choice in exploration tools."
>3 The whole place smells, laundry rags piled in one corner and beds hastily made from stacked heavy blankets. A set of dice made from bone sits near several sets of copper coin, and an orc-made spear is propped up in one corner. In the center of the room, gristle and crumbs from rations can be seen on greasy mess kit plates. It seems the location is ill-suited even for raiders.

>>52770756
this guy mad

>>52716472
1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
>the dagger is in your hand

2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
>hey john, roll me a will save. Oh only a 23, yeh you failed. you are now a shopkeeper

3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
>The party stumbles into Duncan's sister's room, but she is nowhere to be found. However you to faintly smell the musk of several orcish men who were likely there the night before. Roll an insight check for more details. Yes you have to roll the insight check.

Am I doing it right guys?

>>52716472
hey sorry, i guess that gets asked pretty often, but i see pictures of these characters pretty often here, where are they from?

>>52771559
>Let me put it bluntly. Your descriptions can't be rewritten into A's.
Thank you for confirming your incompetence to the entire thread. You are the kid at the playground who sees someone do a backflip and says "That was lame, I can do a much cooler backflip, I just don't feel like it." I have asked you at least three times now to provide YOUR interpretation of an A+ description to the examples and you have refused to do so at every turn. Your 'wedding band knife' description is, by your own account and metric, a B+, not excellent enough for you.

When a professor assigns a paper to their class, they sometimes give the students a copy of a paper from a previous year that received an A+. They indicate to the class why that paper got an A+, including (but not limited to) spelling and grammar, following formatting requirements, proper citation of sources, establishing a well-reasoned argument or explanation, a lack superfluous content or repetition, and so forth. Occasionally the teacher also provides them with a B+ paper, or a C or an F to contrast the good from the bad. This is done so that the students know what their teacher expects in terms of quality of presentation and content.

Show us your version of an A+ for each example. Explain what makes it an A+, standing on its own merits and/or in comparison to other examples in the thread. Prove that you can pull off that backflip, I dare you.

>>52772821
This isn't class though.
Ask the movie critic to win an oscar or a game critic to make a 10/10 game.
I'm not expecting anyone here to write an A here, and certainly not myself. That's sort of the whole business about "exceeding expectations". Even the few A-'s I gave out were the results of them surprising me by showing angles I didn't expect and broadening the scope of what a good description could be.

I gave you an example of a B+. I think that's a fair grade for what I wrote. If you want me to personally write something better, I'm very likely going to have to abandon your crude bone knife idea and move towards something that gives me a little more freedom in my own style. Though, if all you're asking for is for examples of different grades, you can check the grades I've given other descriptions. Maybe someone will earn my elusive "A", maybe not, but you're very right in the fact that it's just me and my opinion, and I'm just some random guy on the internet, and who cares what I think?

I'm starting to get a sense you're just here to troll me and to stop myself and others from giving out critiques, which I hope isn't the case. Perhaps I can issue my own challenge to you. Can you present me with some examples of A+ descriptions in this thread? I'm sure those people would also like to hear your opinion.

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>>52716472
1. You find a dagger with a number of crude tally marks sewn into the sheath; seventeen in total.

2. Behind the counter leans a scrawny, weather-beaten woman smoking a pipe. Initially distant, perhaps lost in thought, she quickly takes notice and waves you over, smiling. "What'll it be, stranger?"

3. Wincing, covering your mouth and nose, it is only after you become acclimated to the lingering stench of blood and feces you see the pile of bones collected in the corner.

>>52716472
>You see the dagger is rusty, serrated, and even have specks of dry blood that seem like a vinyl that the blade has chosen for itself, it emanates a destructive aura, like the dry blood will start drooping and staining the table where it's standing, this is not a tool, this is something much more sinister

>As you approach the counter, a girl is seen flicking a coin continuously, bored out of her mind, not noticing you. Altough one step too close is all she needs to drop the coin and stand up straight, like you zapped the boredom out of her, she greets you with a cheery smile and shows you her wares

>you enter the musky room, a pungant aroma hitting your nostrils, ale, blood, and if it could be described as a smell, Violence. true to the aroma, green blood adorns the walls of floor of this room, with a death counter scribbled on the wall like some kind of scoreboard, a circle drawn on the middle as tables of spilled ale and vomit encircle it

I run mostly text only games, so it gives me time to write a lot of shit I guess

>>52716472
1)
You pick up the dagger and examine it. It's fairly sharp and curves in a graceful crescent, before ending in a barbed tip. The hilt is capped by a black onyx pommel and you see some dark red stains coating the filigreed handle, possibly blood.

2)
A tiny bell chimes as you enter the shop. The modest space is cluttered with various wares, bottles, and sundries. A stout wooden counter bisects the room and behind it you see the shopkeep. A short halfling wearing a tall top-hat, a well-pressed suit, and a monocle clamors onto a stool and bids you greeting, flashing a smile that's more a twinkle in his eyes than a movement of lips. He rubs his hands, ready to make a deal.

3)
You open the door to an affront on your senses. The smell hits you first, crossing a latrine and a butcherhouse. You see the orcs have decorated a 'shrine' to their dark god on the wall, painting a crude picture out of blood and various entrails. A small animal lies gutted on the floor, apparently chosen for the higher calling of fine art this day. A pair of metal shackles are embedded in the east wall. Next to them you see a shattered holy symbol of Corellon. The wall has a variety of scratches etched into it, and a dull rusty color underneath it.

Bonus)
Brevity is the soul of wit, but loquacious verbiage is evocative!

>>52772237
I hope never to be a good enough Ranger to be able to discern "orcish musk" at first encounter.

Here's the thing OP...

For 1 and 2 setting a scene is more important than a brief description.

There is nothing inherently evil about a knife. You can say that it has blood on it, skulls carved into it and it's made out of bones and all the edgelordy bullshit you want but who gives a fuck? I could make a delicious meal with a chefs knife and then turn around and murder a pregnant woman with it. Context is everything. Just because it looks like some faggot bought it at a head shop doesn't make it or the owner anymore evil. Where you found it and under what circumstances does.

Same goes for the shop keeper. What kind of "shop" does he keep? What does he look like? Dress like? Talk like? Nobody is inclined to like someone just because they didn't attack them.

The orcs room however is a setting which is a story building block so you can just spout sensory details and that'll be good enough.

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>>52774032
>There is nothing inherently evil about a knife.

Are you sure about that?

>>52773261
>If you want me to personally write something better, I'm very likely going to have to abandon your crude bone knife idea and move towards something that gives me a little more freedom in my own style.
Go ahead. Write three descriptions, one each for the examples you posted at the start of the thread. They don't have to have anything to do with the descriptions I wrote, they just have to be what you would consider A+ examples.

>I'm starting to get a sense you're just here to troll me
I assure you that I am not trolling you. I just want to see what you would consider as A+ examples, and for you to explain why they are A+ in comparison to other examples in the thread. That's all there is to it.

>Perhaps I can issue my own challenge to you.
Nope. You're the judge here, you're the one defining what is well written and what is not.

I eagerly await your three A+ examples.

>>52716472
1. A blooded dagger, stuck deep inside one of the victim's bodies, arouses a peculiar feeling. As you examine it, you notice a faded scarlet marking on the hilt, sinister in design.

2. Entering the store, a friendly smile meets your gaze and the blushing girl, perhaps happy to meet her new customers, daintly invites the party in. "Welcome, ev'ryone, nice to see new faces!"
She fidgets nervously with her fingers a little bit, glancing at [fighter] and blushing even harder before regaining composure.
"A-ah! What can I pr'vide you folks with today?"

3. As you enter the room, the first thing that hits you all is the pungent scent. Fesces, blood, piss, and hair soils the room, and crude tools and weapons line the poorly-constructed tables. The "walls" being dirt supported by beams too large for a human to bear may insinuate it to be a den of some sort.

>>52774435
>Nope.

Don't be like that.

>You're the judge here, you're the one defining what is well written and what is not.

I'm not some official judge or even the OP. I'm the same as you, an anonymous poster. Nothing is stopping you from just linking a few descriptions in this thread you think are deserving of an A+. You want to define what is well written and be a judge? Go ahead.

If you're not just trolling, quit asking for something both of us already agree doesn't matter and tell people what you think deserves an A+. I'm not going to demand that you take my opinions seriously if you don't want to, but while there's a lot of good descriptions in this thread, I'm personally not convinced any are great enough to be treated as examples for everyone to follow.

Maybe you can convince me otherwise. Link me some posts you think are A+'s. Your opinion is just as valid as mine, as are your definitions of what is good.

>>52716472
1. Sorting through his possessions you find a dagger in a black leather case. The handle is made of bone, and the blade still has flecks of dried blood on it.
2. You hear a small bell ring as you enter the shop. From behind a cluttered counter, a bearded man rises, and with a warm smile, asks what brings you to his shop today.
3. You step into the room and your boot squelches beneath you. As your eyes adjust you can see the floor is covered in filth. Crude graffiti in orcish covers the walls

>>52774797
Did you make any of these posts?
>>52721470
>>52735086
>>52735267
>>52738084
>>52763258
>>52763371
If so, then you are the person I am intending to speak to.

When you ask me to choose descriptions that deserve an A+, you are deflecting the issue entirely. If I choose descriptions I like that gives you a target for you to criticize, to say "No, I don't think that one's very good" or "You think THAT is good writing? Please." It's a way for you to get out of the thing that I am requesting of you - that YOU write three descriptions that YOU think deserve an A+, and tell me why YOU think they're better than the work you've evaluated.

What I think is good or bad is completely, totally immaterial. I am not the one who graded fifty people's work. You are in the role of professor grading our homework. You are the one that needs to demonstrate what a well-made, high quality description looks like. I am in the role of student, asking what a 'winning' assignment would look like.

Come on, man. I'm not asking you to tear out your fingernails. Why won't you just post three A+ descriptions? The amount of effort that doing so would take would be significantly less than yet another 200-word deflection. I can tell you now, if your next reply isn't your three descriptions I'm just going to keep asking you again, and again, and again, because these people deserve to see what an A+ looks like.

Why are you denying them that learning opportunity?

Why aren't you being a good teacher?

>>52775687
Ah, you were just trolling me. Good to know.

>>52775811
I'm not trolling you, I'm asking you to do something that is completely reasonable and rational. Is it really that difficult to understand that someone wants guidance? That they want to be shown what good writing looks like, so they can learn from you and improve?

Why won't you show us what an A+ description looks like? By not doing so you demonstrate that you either can't, or you won't. If you choose not to then you're being cruel to every single person that contributed to this thread. If you are unable to then you're not qualified to be a critic.

Give us your A+ descriptions please. I beg of you. Please.

Why are you all acting like bitch niggers? Just write the descriptions, quit crying that you got a D or whatever.

>>52722428
>Bring players into the scene, and make them excited to explore/interact with what you are describing.
>Be short enough to maintain interest and be simple to remember, but powerful enough that the scene doesn't immediately fade.
>Use efficient language without falling into purple prose
>Clearly express tone, without making too many judgements for the players
>Includes interesting details that are poignant
Well you don't want much, do you?

>>52776165
Yeah, and he won't even give us examples of what an A+ description looks like. Can you believe that?

1. You see a dagger, It's blade is long, rusted at the base and has never been cleaned. Years worth of blood are splattered on it..the grip of if is...strange to say the least. It has swirling runes on it that glow a light red however, they seem blurry possibly becuase of it's long use.
Holding it makes you uneasy and staring at the blade itself makes you feel as if you are watched.

2. A Kobold is inside a hallowed out tree stump. The stump itself looks quickly painted with bright blue and yellow and has leaves strung up above the opening.
The Kobold is white with green painted horizontally on his eyes. It looks up and, noticing the party says "You! You! I sell spear and arrow! Good made!"

3. You enter the room and are immediately overcome with a stench that can only be described as plague inducing.
Feces is in every corner of the room and there seem to be makeshift "beds" as well.
They are made from skin and have lumps of wet cloth at the top of them.
The liquid the cloth soaked in is either urine or spit.
Maybe both.

Is that good?

>>52716472

Haven't looked at the other posts. R8 mine

1) "As you creep closer, you find that the body on the ground is no more than a corpse, and it seems that the creature has been deceased for quite some time. You notice a blackish purple hilt sticking out of its back."
If they examine it, I would say that the serrated blade is blood-rusted, and there are sigils etched into one side.

2)Depends on the group I'm with, but with my current one:
"As you mosy into the shop, a small jingle from a bell rings above your head. Moments later, there is a loud clamor from the back room; footsteps and then a loud *smack table/stomp foot*."
//Let players react, if no reaction then:
"Soon after, a young woman rushes through a curtain connecting the back room, nearly tripping, and introduces herself 'Hello! I mean-- welcome to Tabatha's apothecary- I mean-- I'm not Tabatha I'm Linn, but-- drat, how can I help you?' You notice that she is nursing the back of her head with one hand, and her eyes are slightly watering.

3) "You walk into the room, and-- oh fuck the smell. There is no waste in the southeastern corner, and scattered throughout the room are bones and scraps of uncooked flesh. There are some shoddily built weapon racks, mostly empty, save one with a makeshift spear. However, you see a small pile of uneaten food and a small box matching the description that the Merchant wanted you to retrieve."

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>>52739701

>>52717423
The 2nd one is the best in yours.
The only thing that I'd improve is a brief description beyond "old". The crossbow and medal certainly do tell a tale, though.
>>52776380
I usually don't like monster races as npc's, but your Kobold has an great charm to it

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>>52716472
1. The blade itself is a length of short blackened steel, its edge a carved a sharp wavy pattern not unlike that of a kris. A single, dull amethyst is set into the hilt, and the handle is wrapped in well-worn leather. It is uncomfortably cold to the touch.

2. The shopkeep greets you from over the counter, and asks if he can help you find anything. (buying shit is usually boring and I try to make these scenes short)

3. The unpleasant aroma of sweat and soil fills your nose as you enter the room. Many traces of dirty footsteps cover the floor, and the upholsteries have all manner of stains, scratches, and cuts all over them. A table in the far corner of the room is covered in empty bottles and dirty dishes, which does little to hide crude engravings on its once-polished surface.

>>52776799
Thank you.

>>52716472
1) Cinched to the waist is a common dagger, dirty from use, the edge is the only bit that reflects light.

2) The old woman saunters in from the back with a quickness and says "What do ya lot want?"

3) There's a damp stench rising from the half eaten carcass of a gazelle next to a crude fire pit which was stomped out in a hurry. The thatched wall works are stained as well as the door.

1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person. You see a worn knife embedded into hand on the table, a dark stain runs along it's edge and point, it is nearly blunt, yet the hilt is neatly shaped into a grip.

2. You see a thin middle aged man with a messy greying mustache, his wrinkled face displays a grin filled with brown teeth, he wears simple woolen clothes and his wares are displayed for all to see. The craftsmanship on the tools he sells are of a fine quality and he shows great pride in his work.

3. You enter a cluttered room, the walls are made of cobblestone and the floor is covered by three goat skins, which secrete a musky odor. What's more unpleasant is that a hint of feces pinches your nose, along with some sort of metallic smell. A brazier in the upper right corner lights the room dimly, The clutter in the room mostly consists of various wooden crates and sacks with strange stains protruding from them, there is some sort of bone fetish strung up and dangling from the ceiling.

how did I do?

>>52776972
>into hand on the table
*into a hand on the table

>>52776621
Bio waste**
Autocorrect is a bunch

>>52716472
>The blade of the dagger is simple and sharp, though halfway covered in dried blood, however the hilt is formed from an ornate black stone with gold detailing.

>The man behind the counter has his back to you as you enter, though he's smiling as he turns. He is a large man, with broad shoulders and well defined arms, though his stomach shows the smallest hint of a gut. His head is shaved and there's stubble on his chin, but otherwise he has a clean face. He walks with a small limp, and makes no effort to hide it. "Welcome to Obscura Emporium, how I can help you today?"

>You almost gag as you push past the door, with the room before you looking more like a slaughterhouse than a kitchen. There is a table in the center, with all assortments of nibbled bones and discarded meat from at least four different kinds of animals. The preparation table off to the side is worse, with a swarm flies hovering over the head of a pig as a cleaver gleams to the side of it, embedded into a cutting board. But what assails you the most is the smell. There is the trademark stink of grime and dirt, pungent as it is, but there's something else there as well that you can just barely identify. Death Magic. There are Necromancers about.

How'd I do? Added a bit of stuff that's from in-universe info.

>>52716472
>As you examine the dagger, you notice symbols scratched into the hilt. It looks to be ancient magic runes, (arcana check) that blood mages used in the past to ensure purity of blood.

>Walking into the shop, you see a human woman stocking items. They seem to be struggling to reach the top shelf, but are trying their hardest to restock it. The shopkeep looks over to you and says, "I'll be with you in just a minute, there's tea on the counter if you need some while you wait!"

>Opening the door releases a foul stench, coming from the main tables. As you get a closer look, you see the table is clearly where the Orcs would eat their meals, as it's filled with dozens of rotting meat and bones. In the corner, there is a wooden symbol you understand to be (insert orcish god's symbol here).

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>>52716472
The dagger shines in the dim light, obsidian set within reinforcing steel. The shimmer is interrupted occasionally by speckles of some substance, interrupting an otherwise pristine polished surface. Inlaid in the obsidian are several runes cast in gold, sharp and harshly formed.

The shopkeeper is a large man not entirely unlike a bear in appearance. His warm grin shins through the otherwise dreary shop of bobbles, and with every word spoken his booming voice seems only matched by the arms he tows you in with.

The room's floor is covered in a fine slimy substance that reeks as it's disturbed. On the furniture lies carcasses of animals in various states of butchery. One, a pile of deer strewn haphazardly in a long ruined washroom sink, being particularly mid progress. The walls are covered in patterns of brown streaks, both those of a rust brown and those of a lighter, more noxious, shade. You can tell the corner once contained a ornate lamp, but the silver has long tarnished beneath it's improvised fluid lacquer.

>>52716472
>1. A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
You see a dagger that at first sight doesn't seem to have anything special
Player-"yeah, a fucking dagger inside the office of [evil person], bullshit it doesn't have anything special"
>2. A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
You see this fellow at the side of the road inside a stand with sign that says "CANDY!" with an exclamation point
>3. A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
The first thing you notice when you enter is a putrid smell akin to that of rotten meat mixed with a cheap gross perfume, the second thing you notice once you light it with your torches is that the smell comes from what seems to be corpses of the children you were looking for, half eaten

Disclaimer: I found that overly describing characters to the players seems counterproductive, more often than not it seems like letting the imagination of the player do the work of deciding how an NPC looks like with just a simple thing like "a guy in his mid30s with messy dark hair and glasses works much better than a succinct description

>>52777537
Typically when I introduce an NPC my players are gonna be interacting with for more than 10 seconds, I give them two defining features upfront and let he rest just evolve from our interactions.

Two features is enough to get a mental image of who they are, then we can flesh that out if they ask.

Examples

>The bartender is an old man with an eyepatch and a patchy beard
>The merchant is a middle-aged woman with braided hair and ornate earings
>The thief you caught pickpocketing you appears to be a boyish girl with a stern face and a scar above her eye.

Only ever DM'd once (was filling in for my DM).

>A dagger that suggests that it belongs to a very evil person.
The blade is curved slightly, with three shaped thorns coming out of the reverse side of the blade near the base. The handle is made of a darkly colored wood and is carved with detailed depictions of demons.

>A shopkeeper that you hope the PCs will be friendly with.
An older man - burley, yet cheerful greets you: "Are you here for the special on iron nails? We've nearly sold out!"

>A disgusting room used by orcs, but with no orcs in it.
Upon entering the room you immediately smell a pungent combination of stale beer, mold, and body odor. The room clearly hasn't been cleaned or maintained throughout its use over the past year or so. In the center there's a table, in place of a broken leg is a beer keg. The table is covered in mutton bones and drinking mugs. In the corner is a dented, but serviceable iron helmet.

>>52764917
B-
A bit blunt, but with some good touches

>>52765869
B+
Decent pace despite length, but still could be a little quicker

>>52765909
B+
Good clear language and some risks in subject and style, but the impact is somehow rather passive

>>52767385
B
These read like they're from good classic adventures, but could be a bit more direct

>>52767542
C
Amusing, but a little slow on stopping the player from killing the loot sack

>>52768233
B
A bit heavy-handed, but there's a nice rhythm to them

>>52768272
B+
Some nice details, but definitely could use a trim in places

>>52768825
B-
The language is a little clumsy and a not very clear. The sentences could benefit from simpler construction.

>>52771839
B-
Some odd word choices and a bit cliche, though it borders on the good kind of cliche

>>52771914
B
The details are rather minor and make it hard to focus on what's important

>>52772237
C+
No one really likes John

>>52773268
B+
A good pace for the writing, but it lingers overlong on some details

>>52773433
B+
Good scenes with a few very nice details and risks taken, but some of it drags a bit and could be swifter and tidier

>>52768706
We're still deducting points for purple prose, yeah?

>>52773433
>>52780459

So, what would you have changed?

I'd appreciate the opinion

>>52716472
> 1 an overly stylish dagger nails the not QUITE dead puppy to your front door
> 2 The merchant steps nonchalantly out of the inferno and flicks the ring on his finger with an audible ting, "2000 gold bitches"
> 3 horribly stained body pillows depicting elven wenches litter the floor

>>52772591
They're from an old comic about /tg/.
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Ribbon

>>52780654
Hey there. I'm not this guy >>52780459 but you might you won't find much advice from him besides "make it better". Guy can't even give us an example of what an A+ description looks like so don't hold your breath for constructive criticism on his behalf.

Your first description is one long run-on sentence, maybe split that up into two or three. The second sentence of your second example starts with 'Although', which is a conjunction, and while that isn't technically a grammatical error it still feels like sandpaper on my brain. Your last description tells us it's a death counter but not why the observer would think that, which feels backwards to me. You have a lot of unnecessary commas which is a problem of my own I also need to work on. Please note that this is my totally biased opinion and I don't claim to be an expert in the field of writing. Take everything I say with a big heaping pile of salt.

This whole thread runs on faulty logic.
Further description should be added after the players prod for it, not before. I also highly doubt that those who write long and detailed descriptions actually do so with every little thing in their actual game. The three things described are so uninteresting compared to other shit that can be found and that the players can work with. Why waste like a minute describing it?

>>52783328
I assume because adding minor details to an otherwise unassuming situation creates a sense of immersion?

>>52735681
>long beard
>tanner

lol no

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>>52735681
>The dagger is dripping some pale ooze
>it smells terrible
>its rough and jagged handle
>a long period of usage
>undoubtedly a calloused hand.

is your dagger a dick

>>52783421
It's more immersive to let players decide for themselves what to check out. That's the beauty of RPGs, you don't have to have everything read out to you as if from a script before you can act.

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>>52716472
>1. A dagger that it belongs to a very evil person.
As you wander around the old orphanage, you find a rancid blade drenched in a antique poison, for a dagger it is quite large, with jagged tooth all over it, but this transparent attempt to intimidate foes reveals much about its owner's fears, may whoever it be.

>Shopkeeper
He knew everyone's story, though he would never share his own. An optimist, he wanted to believe in the best in people.
Sometimes that faith would be rewarded, other times betrayed. But he would listen and sell his wares, regardless, and he would hope.

>Room used by orcs, but no orcs inside.
It's seems a battle has occured some weeks earlier here, leaving only a smell of feces, vomit, decaying bodies and sweat for your imagination about what happened.

What remains is a dagger, wickedly curved, that carries the air malevolence.

Behind the counter sits a smiling, aged man "Morning Lads, What can I help you with?"

The room is filled with Orc detritus and debris. This seems to have been some staging area. Half eaten foods cover the table in the middle.

1. You see a well mantained and polished dagger, with a black hilt. As you gaze your eyes uppon it you notice it is itched with runes of unknown origin, the blade has a small container that looks like it is made to collect blood from whatever is stabbed by it.

2. As you enter a shop you can see it is in very good shape, you are greated by the smell of various grasses and fish. You hear someone playing the lute, and as you enter you hear a bell ring. Few momments later a chubby fellow gets behing the counter grining and asks you "What can I ge ye?; Every fifth article half a price!"

3. The room smells of rotten meat and old cheese, on the floor you see blooded rags scattered about. The room contains 4 sleeping bags, some of them smell of beer or urine, the smell shocks your nose as you get closer to them. On the wall you see a giant eye, drawn into the wall probably using birdfecies.

>>52780654
You spend a lot of words reiterating a simple point (She's bored, It smells, etc), and each of your descriptions could be reduced by more than half just by isolating what you need and what seems to be there just to pad out the sentences.

Parts like " bored out of her mind", "like you zapped the boredom out of her," "this is not a tool, this is something much more sinister" are more "Tell" rather than "Show", and are ultimately unnecessary. Let the player make their own judgements based on what you describe to them, and resist writing too much like you would for a book.

The scenes are good and fleshed out, but there's room for you to edit it down to be shorter and without some of the more distracting flourishes. Artistry is important, but descriptions in a game also need to serve their function of giving players a look into your world without slowing the game too much.