Magic Items

personal favourite

>Helm of teleportation

This helmet teleports to the head of a nearby creature every morning

>>52392155
Four words: Wand Of Wondrous Things.

So it might not exactly be "useless" at least not 100% of the time, but it is just about always guaranteed to be a barrel of laughs.

>useless
Why.

>>52392170
for the laughs or to mess with your players

>staff of incineration

when used, this staff incinerates and turns to ash. single use

got any ?

Sun spear and star mace. Two powerful magical weapons.

The catch? If they happen to come into contact with each other, even for a brief moment, they explode with a 10 kiloton yield blast.

>Ring of the deep

a ring from which water is constantly flowing, until it is put on your finger.

>Cloak of imperfect levitation

this cloak allows you to levitate 40% of your bodymass 1ft above ground

>ring of invisibility
is invisible.

>>52392204
How is that useless? Anyone with both of them has an atomic bomb waiting to happen

>>52392235

How is this useless? You have a portable, endless supply of water

>>52392265
>is sea water

>>52392271

You can flood plenty of places. I can think of several weaponized uses of floods.

>>52392248
not only that, they're also powerfull weapons in their own right and very usefull, untill they happen to come in contact with each other.
putting a "youd die" button on an item doesn't make it useless it also isn't really funny

>>52392282
well lets hear your useless funny item then

>>52392155
>boots of levitation
>they levitate, but a player's weight is enough to push them down onto the ground, i guess they give you a VERY slight jump boost, like, maybe half a foot, if you're skinny enough and not wearing too much armour and items.

>>52392293

I don't much like useless items. I like items that are not simply +2 to hit or whatever, items that can be useful if they are used creatively. So I think the ring of the deep is a nice item.

>>52392329
combined with
>>52392246

what would happen ?

>>52392291
>it also isn't really funny

I beg to differ.

In the campaign they were used in, the party got the bright idea to use them against the BBEG, an evil demigod two-headed Godzilla looking fellow.

They snuck into his throne room, placed the spear down right behind his throne, placed a block of ice on top of it, then put the spear on top of that, and then covered the whole thing up with a blanket to keep it from being immediately spotted.

Teleport away, wait a while, and boom, one less BBEG fortress and campaign won.

>>52392367
>put the spear on top of the ice and under it

FUCK typos; they put the mace on top of the ice.

>>52392329
>bag of duplication
>items put in this bag are duplicated, untill you take either of them out again, its twin then dissapears
>i guess you could put a brick in it, making it hold two bricks, and smash someone over the head with it, but i dunno, might as well use an actual weapon

>>52392378
>>52392367
well it certainly is a somewhat creative way to finish off a BBEG... but we are looking for items that make your players go "whaaaa-" once given to them.. maybe make everybody laugh

A magic ring of scrying that lets the wearer scry on the ring's location at any time.

I made this item as a useless joke item, the party still managed to get use out of it when they were apprehended and blindfolded later. Fuckers.

>Gloves of envy

these leather gloves can be ordered to fly off, target an enemy creature's gloves and ONLY their gloves, and pull them off. both gloves fall to the ground and can be retrieved.

>>52392367
still not really funny to me imho
but maybe that's just me

jokes usualy have a set-up, and a unexpected twist as the climax, killing the BBEG with two items that have a kill-switch doesn't really subvert your expectations

>>52392155
Nothing will ever beat the wand of lightening.
When you activate it, it becomes lighter than air.

>>52392421
great for messaging.. attach a note, activate it and throw.. it will float upwards, maybe to a high tower

good idea anyway

>>52392454
Depends on how much lighter it becomes.

>>52392381
>cloak of strength
>this cloak is VERY strong, no one is sure in what way it's supposed to be strong, but apparantly it is
>someone took a knife to it to see if they meant that the material its made of is tough to destroy... the cloak ripped just like any other
>the search continues...

>>52392483
>animate object
>the cloak does kung fu
If you don't do it, it's a waste of fun moments.

>>52392454
Yeah that sure is the least effective possible way of accomplishing that. so if by "great" you meant "almost completely worthless" then yeah.

It's just a pun on wand of lightning to throw off your players by making them think they have something powerful
>>52392477
It's just a wand, it could become literally weightless and it wouldn't be able to lift more than maybe a single gold coin. You do realize that weight/mass doesn't scale DOWN infinitely right? An absolute vacuum is the lower limit.

What happened to smart /tg/? or at least "understands 6th grade science classes" /tg/.

>That weird sword

One edge can cut anything but can't kill, so it's just separate limbs from the body, while all the part are still alive and controled by the owner

The other can't cut for shit, but only a mere touch make horrendous wounds on the victim.

Oh, and the effects of the sides are randomly swapped every few minutes.

>>52392541
I was agreeing with you, not saying that it could lighten into the negatives. It's possible it would just become barely lighter than air, meaning that even when attaching something light like a note, it wouldn't generate life.

>>52392155
Boots of running fast. But only backwards.

A ring of teleportation. Activate it and the ring teleports itself, without you. (And maybe your clothes too? But could be a little Magical Realm-ish.)

A ring of invisibility that turns you invisible. But ONLY you; your clothes and items are still perfectly visible.

A scroll of translation that makes you speak in another language; but it doesn't make you understand that language.

A talking sword, with tourettes.

That's the best I've got so far.

>>52392552
that can still be considered very useful
i mean sure, the enemy might not take damage from one side... but he did just lose an arm
and on the next strike his chest caved in as if hit by a massive builder instead of a sword

>>52392575
>A ring of invisibility that turns you invisible. But ONLY you; your clothes and items are still perfectly visible.
This would be pretty useful if you're just infiltrating.

>>52392155
Ring of +1. Its a ring with a +1 inscribed on it that reacts to detect magic. Thats it.

>>52392606
No wait, I got it: A ring of invisibility that also puts a glowing aura around you.

Though I suppose you could use it to mess with people, pretending to be a deity/agent of a deity or something.

>bane of skelletons armour
>this armour fucks with and repels skellies
>ALL of them
>including the one inside of you
>it is nearly impossible to get close to let alone wear
>maybe you could find a way to chuck it at your enemies while somehow staying well out if its area of effect yourself and watch them.... scatter to avoid the armour?

>>52392648
>sword of combat profisciency
>when wielding this sword, you become an expert in... hand to hand combat
>its also an extremely heavy greatsword and requires two hands to lift, meaning your hands are too occupied to do any actual fighting

>>52392575
>A talking sword, with tourettes.

WAIT NO, I'VE GOT THE PERFECT WAY TO TOP THIS.

So we start with boots of silence, yeah? They make your footsteps and all the clanking and rattling from your armor and spare gear all as quiet as gentle whispers. Great, yeah?

Well they don't silence themselves. And they talk. Separately.

The right boot is a right-wing extremist "everything is the immigrants' fault" "socialism is communism and communism is the devil" "they can't take away our swords, we have rights!" loudmouth bastard.

The left boot is a left-wing extremist "you can't use that term that's offensive" "did you just assume his gender identity" "you can't treat the entire cult like they're evil just because their god demands the sacrifice of newborn babies" SJW sperglord.

And they NEVER stop arguing with each other.

>>52392783
I you are going so caricature-like with the left one, the right one should be full on /pol/ down right with codewords that no body else understands.

>Book of closing

after you open this book, it closes.

>>52392849
>book of opening

after closing this book, it opens

huehuehuehue

>>52392849
>fixate one side of the book
>put counterweight to on the other side of the book that opens the book once it closes
>hook up a load to the counterweight
>essentially a magical/mechanical oscillater
>useless

you are not a clever man, are you?

Sword of Shock. Does shock damage to everything it touches, including the wielder. To use it he has to use rubber gloves and forsake all kinds of metal armor.
Not exactly scientific-accurate but I think it would nicely in any game.

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saved this ages ago, I like to put one in loot regularly, just as a piece of random crap that a NPC had. The kind of thing a student might make by mistake and wind up in the trash or some curio shop.

BEHOLD! my items of dubious worth list:

Sword infused with pure greed, People who weild it instantly prefer to sell the sword for gold rather than keep it.

A business card that, when given to a person, causes them to forget everything about the one who gave it to them.

A key that can permanently lock any door. When it is turned in the lock, it magically causes the door to be replaced with more wall.

A book of infinite pages:
each of which promises something more exciting on the next page and never delivering.

A hat that constantly whispers in the wearers ear. The whispers contain all sorts of mostly useless information related to whatever the wearer is currently thinking("The dragon owning the lair is 300 years old. At that age most red dragons have between 5 and 10 thousand scales. There is always at least two entrances to the lair, one of which can usually only be accessed via flying. Both are guarded. The dragons breath is capable of melting any non-enchanted metal. Her name is Afernagiezu and she has killed 104 adventurers to date...). Makes the wearer slightly distracted and only able to communicate with weird accent that makes him difficult to understand.

Silver Mirror of Seconds:
A hand mirror that shows a perfect reflection, of exactly six seconds ago.

Ring of stilled hands:
You will not itch while wearing it.

horn of invisibility, you become totally invisible but only while you blow inside of it

>>52393044
Belt of Perfect Fit:
A belt that, when the wearer is in a situation of dire importance or gravity, intuitively reacts to said situation and unbuckles both itself and the wearer's pants. Usually found sold in joke shops.

Box of mysterious Wonder:
a magical box that radiates conjuration magic. Typically sold by poorly dressed street merchants. Contains a piece of string and half a brick. The magical aura is in fact, not a trick, as the box is a portal to a pocket dimension belonging to a long dead archmage. Everything good has been looted already.

Bowtie of Disguise:
Basically a hat of disguise in necklace form.

Big Stick of Diplomacy:
Large wooden staff or club that grants a substantial bonus to diplomacy checks. The bearer may also make a rousing speech once per day, granting allies who hear it a bonus to combat for the duration of the battle.

Mouse Counter:
A device of magic and clockwork that when wound counts the precise number of mice in the building.

>>52392588
True, I forgot the useless part in the OP, it sure is a good item. But it's also quite fun.

There's the classic "wand of disintegration" that disintegrates when you use it.

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Rate my custom magic item, its for my cleric player, life.

Mallet of Holy Might
Weapon - Warhammer, Vestige (requies attunement by a cleric or paladin of a good aligned god)

Increases the range of the spell cure wounds to 30ft

Can use an action to channel Purification – Once per long rest

Can be used as a holy symbol for any cleric or paladin of a good aligned god.

Purification lets you purge enemies surrounding your damaged ally. When you cast Cure Wounds you can chose to deal radiant damage to all enemies within 5ft of the target. The damage is equal to half the health restored with the spell cure wounds.

This holy mallet has a handle of magically infused stone carved with different symbols all representing light and life in Celestial, and has a head of some sort of bronze coloured metal. Among its many enchantments seem to be some sort of weight-reducing spell since the mallet does not weigh more than a usual warhammer.
A Vestige can reward its weilder with additional powers if it deems him/her worthy of them.

Wand of create Wand (1 use only) is a classic. Using the wand summons a wand of create wand. The used up wand vanishes

>>52392483
>>52392498

>The cloak's wife left him and their three year old son
>Cloak discovers baby cloak isn't even his
>Still raises him to be an upstanding member of society

It's a very strong cloak.

>>52392404
This would be amazing if two monks had a pair each, but can only injure the other party if they're wearing the gloves. It'd be like a wuxia version of a gun fight where they're constantly disarming one another.

The mental image is too much kek

Boots of Light step
Completely muffles the sound of the wearers movements
However, it leaves a glowing trail of footprints only visible to guards

>>52392181
Improvement:

>Staff is Incineration
When activated by the mind of the user, this staff incinerates and turns to ash. Infinite uses.

Your average hero will think it's funny and maybe get a good use out of it once by sticking it in a foe and torching it.

Savvy heroes will realize this item is actually basically infinitely reusable Clap On Clap Off napalm, as long as you gather it up into a jar between battles.

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>>52392155
The Sword of Agony: a sword that makes whoever you strike with it wail out in pain.

It's actually just a regular sword that's been marketed really well

The Magic Coin: A simple copper coin that detects as magic, probably something like a weak transmutation aura. It literally does nothing else.

Divining Coin: A coin that allows the user to cast Augury at will by flipping it, but it has a 50% failure rate.

Standing Staff: A staff which will not fall over if placed upright. A light breeze or push will overcome this minor balancing effect.

Horn/Bagpipes of Invisibility: While being played, renders the user invisible.

Belt of Pants: A belt which, when worn, creates a Major Illusion of pants.

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>>52392155
>Purse of Serpents
>A green gator-skin bag which very subtly moves if examined. When opened, the bag materializes reptiles and amphibians of small size or smaller (Although larger creatures can emerge if they have a serpentine shape), with one herptile emerging every seventy seconds. Although this generally confines the range to small species, juveniles or infants of larger herptiles may emerge. The animals generated are not special in any way, and will act like a creature of their species generally would given the situation.

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>>52400666
Free food/distraction
And checked

Earrings of Profanity.

Earrings that, when worn, whisper a steady stream of colorful and creative swears and fitting insults about nearby people.

>>52392381
Put a potion in then stick your head inside to drink double the potions? Or zap yourself with duplicate wands?

>>52401283
>stick your head inside
>you can't get it out because you have two heads now
>if you manage to get your head out of the bag you kill the other head
>he doesn't want to die

>>52401283
Put in a ring of wish, use one, then take the other out

Pollaxe - A long-handled axe with a hammer head. Will only allow itself to be swung after the recipient is decided through fair, anonymous vote.
Handgonne - A simple black-powder weapon with a 100% explosive-failure rate.
Pike - It's a fish on a very long stick.

>>52401347
>Handgonne
Give it to someone you are about to duel

>>52392807
And left-wing extremist is really more of a "kill the king and redistribute all the treasure to peasants! 5 year plan!"

Staff of Olives:
When held, lets you detect and track the location of olives around you.
Could make a useful tracking device if you don't mind carrying a bunch of olives with you, I guess

>>52392396
Your players sound amazing.

>>52392155
Dryad Hammer
1/day while hitting a tree with a this two handed wooden mattock, the user can say "Orpheus Failed" in Vulgar Latin to get the following effect

MuHe15 Eurydice's Slumber (Ranged: Touch; Duration: Diameter; Target: Individual)
This spell causes a single tree to uproot itself, cross it's branches over it's trunk and lie down as if it had just been laid to rest.

This is a Verditius apprentice's masterwork for his gauntlet.

>>52392181
>lol you thought it was going to be something interesting but it's just a wacky prank XD
Only works once in a blue moon or as an actual trap.

Better imo is weird seemingly useless stuff that can be useful with a little thought and the right situation. So less "le wand of disintegration that just disintegrates itself XD" and more a cup that always tips over and spills its contents or slippers that actually make loud stomping noises.
Weird and seemingly inconvenient but with the potential for creative uses.

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>>52392155
Working up a variation of the Deck of Many Things using this list. Will add when I am GMing again

My fave is Scroll of Summon Monsters. One use, then it poofs into ash and blows away.
Is used to give the guy who wants more things to fight something to regret. At random, or regular, times, orc appear. Not just any orc, random orc. Barbarian orc. City orc. Puppet orcs. Naval orcs. Orcs from the Jim Henson Creature Workshop. Wizard orc. Orcs made out of marshmallows and toothpics. Orcs the size of tiny faries. Fairy orcs, or wasps, or yellowjackets. etc. Turn around and you got a ceti eel orc trying to punch your earlobe. And the scroll is gone so they can't dispel the spell. Everybody sits down at the inn, and they're one chair short. They try to mount up but an orc is riding away with one of their horses. They cross a bridge but there's orc protesters in the way. They pay a toll but suddenly there's 4 more orc-copy-characters in the party. Wallet inspector orcs. They try to go to sleep but when they turn out the lights the shoe-maker orcs are at work. Tax collectors. Surveyors. Life insurance salesmen. At any rate it's meant to drive someone bonkers enough to attack random villager orcs or go on a quest for a Wish to genocide orc, or "keep those orcs away from me" just ends up in his own force-field covered with magnetically stuck orcs until they block out the sun for him.

Don't forget the value of suprize food. Every inn/tavern has it's own food. Otik's spiced potatoes, for example. It can be a bit of a crimp to the player's grand plans when someone crucial ends up having gotten a plate of Dune Spice and are KO'd for X turns while he can see the music. Never stiff the wizard with the bill. Plus the old classic of finding out a dragon's hoard that the suffered and died to get was really chocolate gold coins. Extra awards may be needed to stop violence. Like potions of elven archery skill. Useless, if the players don't even have any bows. Or aren't elves. But it counts as wine. Or the dragon nesting in an old factory of Dune Spice aftershave can have amusing results. When you've got a cave-wall of green glass bottles the dragon can have extra stealth. Useless, but useful. The characters may need to swap equipment (and clothes) to get one of the gang dressed all in green.

>>52392204

>When the Sword of Frost and Armageddon's Blade clashed...

>>52406192
I love that not all of the orcs are actively hostile, but are nonetheless inconvenient or unfortunate

>sword of intangibility

>When activated the sword becomes intangible and is able to harm intangible creatures

>However it falls through your hands and immediately deactivates when out of your grip

Vault of Socks. A simple box containing a great number of socks, no two of which match. However, if someone holds one sock of a pair where the other sock has gone missing while they rummage through the box, they will always find the missing sock there within ten seconds.

>>52408959
You activate it by hucking it at ghosts.

>>52392170

Useless items is best items.

>>52392160
What use can you make out of that?
>>52392181
lel. Thats funny
>>52392235
Thats not useless at all. Thats really helpful in adventures with long trips or in the desert. Or maybe even against enemies that are weak against water
>>52392246
>Ring of invisibility
>is invisible
Thats great.

>>52411232
>What use can you make out of that?

Freak your players.
The helm teleport on someone head (the mage if you wnat it to be an issue).
The day after, it's gone. They spend the whole campain wondering what was that.
Then one day they found someone with the helmet on the head. The day after, it disappears again.

If you play long enough, you can make a armless running gag out of it.

Ethereal banana a otherwise normal banana when consumed it regenerates. When consumed the user and only the user becomes ethereal for a time their clothing and gear falls to the floor.

Diary of Llilith when opened an endless swarm of harmless spiders pour from the diary and will eventually completely cover the holder of the diary. It is otherwise a normal and somewhat useless diary of a young girl.