ITT: Character quotes

"360 no wife"

*Incoherent screeches*
-Swarmlord

>>52136555
*Incoherent screeches*
-Lvl 10 Barbarian

"Do any of you know how to build or mine? I will pay you in money or beer"
My level 4 Paladin to a bar full of dwarfs

"Stop trying to drink my patron deity."
The lvl3 druid to the lvl4 dwarf

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I was talking to someone about properly flossing before bed and ended up attracting enough people to give a sermon."

>>52136121
"Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!"
-My cleric accidentally summoning a god from another setting

My DM to me: 'I don't know why I didn't see that one coming.'

"Fuck you." Every Character ever to every BBEG ever.

>>52137153
Did the DM actually have him appear?

File: Balrog.jpg (285KB, 826x630px) Image search: [Google]

285KB, 826x630px

>>52137178
>Me to my DM

File: 1482557015546.jpg (34KB, 430x290px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 430x290px

>>52137205
Yes. I didn't know he played CoC. He could've just ignored it, but no, he let me derail the campaign. To be fair though, it was a comedy campaign taking place in fairy tale land where we fought gingerbread golems, so weird shit happening is par course.

>>52137260
Care to storytiem the Hastur bit? I'm curious as a fellow CoC fan.

File: fluff.jpg (131KB, 600x450px) Image search: [Google]

131KB, 600x450px

>" Familiars are NOT for sexual activities! We have an elf for this! "

-My Ranger to the summoner (who said he'd rather bang his fluffy sphinx thingy than to visit the whorehouse and its STDs)

"You should really take the day off."
-My Shadowrunner

When I have a strong as fuck Troll toting around an assault cannon as part of my crew, I feel obliged to offer the security forces and office monkies a chance to walk out alive before our walking tank turns the building into a war zone.

>>52137226
Hey when I came to rescue a noble lady and she calls me short, then it's the DM's fault for forgetting just how petty I can be.

"I'll fucking bite you in the freaking pussy!" ~ Shroob character in your average family friendly Super Mario RPG tabletop

>>52137389
Shouldn't you be getting back to filming, Mr. Hamill?

File: krusty - how can one man be so based.jpg (494KB, 1280x918px) Image search: [Google]

494KB, 1280x918px

Pic related, my paladin said it when the rest of the party was debating whether we should charge into a bottlenecked army of orcs because they didn't want to roll up new characters.

We charged.

We won.

>>52137395
>average
>family friendly
I think you were playing with people outside its target age range, lol
>>52137412
No! He can hang out here all he wants, also Star Wars 8 is out of principal filming and has been since before Carrie died.

>>52137443
Who's the short one now, bitch?

>>52137459
Mark Hamill would never say that about Carrie even in a place like this.

>>52137459
Because she's buried and I'm still standing and...
Okay I screwed up the joke I'm going now.

File: dm.jpg (59KB, 628x480px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 628x480px

>>52137274
Pretty sure I've told this story a couple times on this board, but one more time won't hurt.

So this took place long ago when I was in Highschool and too young for 4Chan didn't stop me from posting though, in my first campaign at my LGS. I forgot everybody else's characters (Except the minotaur who crushed an enemy with his balls and the mute bard) but I remember mine: Father Anderson, a fat chaotic neutral cleric. The party was doing other crap when I first joined, but I was just in time for the DM to introduce us to a little old man in red. Pic related, though I didn't quite get it even when the DM explained who he was because I'm a young whipper-snapper, but I knew that it was going to be that kind of campaign. The DM (The NPC, not the guy) guides us to the land where fairy tales came true, where we met the old lady who lives in a shoe.

Now the old lady had a problem: five of her kids were missing. Naturally, the task fell on us to find them, so we sauntered out and found a gingerbread house. Fortunately, it didn't have a witch in it, but it did have sentient gumdrops that tried to suffocate us and gingerbread golems. We killed them, explored the house, and found a trapdoor that led to a proper dungeon. Like, gloomy, foggy, dark, dank kind of dungeon; not fairy tale shit. It was there, after killing a bunch of nagas and an evil cleric, we met... The Tooth Fairy. Who was Jurgen von Strangle dressed as the tooth fairy. And he had the five kids.

First we tried negotiating with him. However, he was only willing to part with half the kids (there's five; see a problem?), so after a while I decided to do something so stupid and out of context that I immediately forgot what made me think it was going to accomplish anything. I said,"Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!" My DM just shrugged and rolled the dice.

"You summoned Hastur! Three times!"

Then I summoned him four more times in the ensuing argument.

File: 1473116448589.jpg (37KB, 775x775px) Image search: [Google]

37KB, 775x775px

>>52136121
"What say you good sir?"
>My life is a swirling miasma of pain and misery.
"Glad the thief is on board, proceed!"

>>52137274
>>52137620
Things went to shit. There was an outer god stomping around, the Prime Material Plane was tearing itself apart, the mute bard was literally yelling at me, etc. The good news is we managed after this to convince the Tooth Fairy to give us the children. Bad news is I had to resolve the crisis personally. With a bit of DM magic and the help of a god, I bungee-jumped onto the Island of R'lyeh (Yes, that's Cthulhu, but we were in a rush) and placed a talisman in a temple while getting chased by shoggoths.

Short story shorter, I now know what chaotic stupid is.

>>52136121
"A warrior who wants to live has no defence against one who doesn’t care if he dies."
My berserker that had the fantasy equivalent of butchers nails.

Also a quote by angron the mildly perturbed

File: 1212403149945.png (28KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

28KB, 500x500px

>>52137620
>>52137725
Thanks for the short storytiem anon.

"Choke on your cleverness and DIE"
-Mohelius Evilskull McGenocide, white lion of the north, Lord of Men, deicide, CONQUERING KING as he took his warhammer to the head of a mage wearing a circlet of +1 int, crushing it and the mages head.

"I hate everything about you. I hate your stupid face. I hate the way you talk. I hate your bullshit ideas. I hate your fucking clothes."
- The party straight man, in a quiet and sad voice, finally broken by his best friend.

>"I dont care about justice now. Only about punching you DEAD!"

-The party monk, a few seconds before headbutting the last HP out of her foe. While ironicly being disarmed (literaly) due to a critical hit from the enemy's side.

>>52137389
>short
>petty
Now isn't that fitting.

File: _tg_-_Ew_-_2016-07-24_18.52.08.png (33KB, 1322x155px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 1322x155px

>>52136121
I actually used a variation of picrelated in one of my campaigns. Surprisingly, my players loved it.

>>52138635
Nothing like a good headbutt to teach a lesson

>>52138741
Damn, I'm probably gonna steal this, replacing "justice boner with" something along the lines of "who wants to be the hero"

My favorite villains are the ones who see themselves as the hero, but don't feel the need to justify themselves to anyone

>Sorry, I just had a Vietnam flashback.

Said in the Vietnam War alt-history campaign.

>>52138741
i wish my gm had redditor bbegs too

>"Guys, I won!"
-the warlock, right before getting hit in the chest with an axe and going down for the count

>>52138853
pot calling the cattle black

>>52138741
Funny how people who say this kind of shit are always up to their eyes morally horrific actions, really makes you think.

File: walker.jpg (121KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

121KB, 1920x1080px

>>52139562
And yet the people who want to feel like a hero and think that the world is neatly divided into white and black are no better, really.
Isn't that right, Walker?

>>52138741
you have to go back redditor

>>52138873
that's actually pretty funny

>>52136121

"RELEASE US! WE DEMAND IT! I WILL REND YOUR FLESH AND SPLINTER YOUR BONES, AND DEVOUR WHATEVER REMAINS!"

"Now, see, I appreciate your honesty. But, at the same time, I think you can see MY position - namely, that it'd be irredeemably stupid for me to let you out of there. Having said that, how about we talk about making your time in that weapon a little more comfortable..."

Standard fetish-weapon negotiation, nothing to see here.

>>52136121
>Is this sort of horrific mutilation possible to do with a human soul and have it survive? -Other PC
> Only one way to find out. - my totally not evil wizard

>>52136121
MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN!

File: One Question each.jpg (527KB, 1477x1373px) Image search: [Google]

527KB, 1477x1373px

Not my own quote, obviously.

>two friends in the group made characters together
>one is an edgelady vampire girl
>one is a justicetwat elf with a little Dragon companion
>elf dork knows the edgelady is ocd
>walks up to the first person in a bar they see
"Do you have some rice? That I can have?"
>attempts to explain why through the party's confused hysterical laughter
I gave him a bowl of rice. He immediately dumped it onto the floor.

File: tumblr_inline_ny78rcFgfo1qkn4lu_250.jpg (8KB, 236x158px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 236x158px

>murderhobomentality.jpg

"I've had worse." "When?" "In about two seconds when they wizard is done casting his spell."

"We NEED to Murderhobo, it's the only real way to adventure"

"If you're going to kill me, at least shoot me in the mouth. That way, I die eating."

>>52136978
*Incoherent casting
-lvl 10 Wild Mage

"YOU'RE EATING CHILDREN!!!"
-My human bard after our mentally stunted arcane trickster electrocuted the spawning pool of some sentient frog people thinking they were fish.

File: tumblr_mnf7rjdDy71r3yo7eo1_500.jpg (73KB, 454x647px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 454x647px

>>52137318
So he's basically Detritus from the AMCW?

"After all, it's only human to dream."
She doesn't dream herself, of course.

File: 1475860792779.jpg (386KB, 1000x507px) Image search: [Google]

386KB, 1000x507px

"Guys maybe we should just be evil. We clearly have a knack for it and we just plain suck at being good.". The Bard to the rest of the party after accidentally joining a cult of orcus and quickly rising through the ranks of it by failing miserably to destroy it from the inside.

"Guys, you are going about this all wrong. It is a simple 3 step plan.
Step 1: Don't get shot
Step 2: Multiple stab wounds
Step 3: We grab Captain and leave."

File: 2017-03-12 23.43.02.jpg (633KB, 1074x1164px) Image search: [Google]

633KB, 1074x1164px

"Acts of goodness are not always wise, and acts of evil are not always foolish, but regardless, we shall always strive to be good."

"If the bridge can hold our ox it'll hold us"
We then proceeded to push our ox onto what turned out to be an illusion of a bridge and off a cliff.

File: The Party.png (2MB, 1920x1150px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1920x1150px

Astronox (The Wizard): "Can't a guy cast Invisibility in peace?"

Fen (The Druid): "Okay, so I'm a shark now."

Sor'mon (The Rogue): "This place is more fortified than Camnus's chastity belt."

Danius (the Barbarian): "Do they speak Common in the Basin?"
Dalvamin (The Bard): "Do they speak Bitch in the Dreadlands?"

>>52150078
Camnus (The Fighter): Sor'mon is quite skilled in the art of provocation.
Ker'Kadin (The Ranger): Right, he's a dick.

Mike: "Is this something I should Celerity and get the fuck away from?"
Steve: "Mike, this entire campaign is something you should Celerity and get the fuck away from."

Fen: "Bud, you give me one dead midget and one dead wolf, and I'll drag them around for you."

Daria (The Ranger): "Cletus."
Cletus (The Monk): "I know."
Daria: "The tree moved."
Cletus: "I saw."

File: 1473479843434.jpg (148KB, 736x1073px) Image search: [Google]

148KB, 736x1073px

"Forget stardust, you are iron. Your blood is ferrous liquid, and when you bleed you reek of rust. It is iron that fills your heart and sits in your veins. And what is iron, really, unless it's forged? You are iron. You are strong."

"This setting could basically be summed up as a series of people saying, "I thought it was a good idea at a time.""

>>52137197
hey it works

>>52137422
Krusty 10/10 murderhobo.

"When I was seventeen, my buddy Shug bet me a gold sovereign that I couldn't EAT an entire whiskey bottle. I'm telling you this story because I feel you should know:"
*without breaking eye contact, slides a coin and what appears to be a piece of sea glass to the middle of the table*
"I'm not the type to fuck around."

>"Don't oppress my culture!"
Lvl5 ogre barbarian

File: download.jpg (4KB, 299x168px) Image search: [Google]

4KB, 299x168px

>>52145444

"There better be no fucking Spiders"

>>52145444
Hadaly, is that you?

>>52136121
"I'm an old man. I've outlived all of my enemies. That is not a coincidence"

>>52139621
Not everything can be neatly sorted into good and evil, no, but people who use that strawman are usually people who can be neatly sorted into evil.

>>52136121
"The Law? I was breaking that long before I gained phenomenal cosmic power."

>>52151370
Were there spiders?

"But its the right thing to do!? Oh come off it. I've gone to bed sobbing bitterly against cold and hunger as my reward for doing the right thing. The profitable thing has never mistreated me though, not even once, so do you have a better offer or not?" - Bastard of a sellsword. The party ended up doing the shit pro-bono anyways, but at least they paid my regular fee.

"If that skeleton makes another infernal pun, I will scatter his bones across the entire realm"
"Calm down my good man, I didn't realize my quips were rattling you so, I found you would find them more humerus, now if you don't mind we had a bone to-"
The last exchange between our undead necromancer and the BBEG before the necromancer exploded.

>Meeting a big-mouthed, hot-headed evil warrior who is just about to monologue on the party.
Bard: "Wizard?"
Wiz: "Yes, Bard?"
Bard: "I would like you to serve my friend a tall glass of Shut the fuck up!"
>rolls 2d4 of Vicious Mockery
>roll gor initiative!

>>52151878
>rolling for initiative is meaningful and part of any good story
I remember being 14, when that felt poetic.

> Trying (and failing) to recruit a peasant with a southern accent alongside my incredibly condescending friend.

"You know what, time out we don't have time for this, let's just get the monk to beat the shit out of her and drag her back. He's got that gentle monk touch, it won't leave bruising."

"She can hear us you know, plus"

"Just speak in full sentences, she won't be able to understand."

He was literally just playing Rick from Rick and Morty

>>52152441
Bro, that was only a year ago. You should still lurk more newfag

"Stay here I'm gonna go get our gold ba- CAPTAIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU ARE NOT STEALTHY THIS IS MY JOB"
-My Magus/Rogue dealing with our NPC chaotic stupid captain

File: Confused Screaming.jpg (19KB, 480x480px) Image search: [Google]

19KB, 480x480px

>TFW you've been playing years and you can;t think of a single good in character line from yourself or anyone else in your group

I should try working on saying things in character more...

"Im going to fight fire with flight fire.... and fly away!!!!"

"Does anyone notice [the huge parasite/pet attached to our monk's bare chest]?"

>>52151413
>>52151348
...who?

"Huh, honestly wasn't expecting that to work." The BBEG casting mass charm on the party and succeeding.

>>52136121
>"Is that all you got, cupcake?"
-Suicidal character to main antagonist.

>>52136121
"Why are you green?"
Party face to Orc barbarian moments before said Orc kills his horse.

"You have fifteen seconds to come down here and answer my questions before I take this tank and use it to figure out which of your house's walls are load bearing."

"You're gonna have to pay the uninstallation fee for that, sir."
-Comcast Operator to BBEG

File: The Many Alignments of Mike 2.jpg (306KB, 1920x1040px) Image search: [Google]

306KB, 1920x1040px

>>52156276

File: cleave and smite.jpg (83KB, 500x380px) Image search: [Google]

83KB, 500x380px

>>52144806
*Incoherent dealing justice**
--lvl 10 Paladin

>>52155018
>he didn't read Eve of the Future
fucking pleb

>>52156650
>Eve of the Future
Literally who

>>52156717
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Future_Eve
PLEB

>>52156736
>wikipedia
Literally who

File: disapproving mercenary.jpg (14KB, 185x160px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 185x160px

>>52156741

>>52136121
>I will fucking get you
Rogue to Commissioner, after the latter killed his gang, and captured him during one-upmanship taken too far. "I'll get you" was the line only line Rogue heard every time he encountered Commissioner. It started out rather playful, but became more spiteful and colder with each daring escape, each audacious heist, later each informant or guard killed.
In the end, the Rogue got his elite squad, his family, and in the end, him.
Nothing like a bitter victory

>>52136121
"Look I got bullied a lot as a kid okay? School shooter levels of bullied. After that all I want is a shitty apartment some cash and a good deck. So we're going to do this job and I'm going to get that. And I'm never going to have to leave my fucking house again."

Not really the cleverest or funniest quote but it has an enduring place in the lore because the game ended in a TPK with the hacker being the only survivor. He would later pop up in later games as a NPC who ends up being a mover and shaker in the shadows. And constantly bitches about it.

>>52136121
"Tell my dad I love him."

- My thief character, immediately before charging an ancient white dragon and throwing one of her Bags of Holding into the other, immediately and without any chance for save dragging both her and the dragon into the Astral Plane.

In my talons, I shape clay, crafting life forms as I please. Around me is a burgeoning empire of steel. From my throne room, lines of power careen into the skies of Earth. My whims will become lightning bolts that devastate the mounds of humanity. Out of the chaos, they will run and whimper, praying for me to end their tedious anarchy. I am drunk with this vision. God: the title suits me well.

File: half_orc_barbarian_by_lionxavier-d3dj6uc.jpg (133KB, 893x895px) Image search: [Google]

133KB, 893x895px

"I MUST BREAK YOU!"

Darwin wrote this: "We will now discuss in a little more detail the struggle for existence... all organic beings are exposed to severe competition. Nothing is easier than to admit in words the truth of the universal struggle for life or more difficult... than constantly to bear this conclusion in mind. Yet unless it be thoroughly engrained in the mind, the whole economy of nature... will be dimly seen or quite misunderstood. We behold the face of nature bright with gladness... we do not see or we forget, that the birds which are idly singing round us mostly live on insects or seeds, and are thus constantly destroying life; or we forget how largely these songsters, or their eggs, or their nestlings, are destroyed by birds and beasts of prey..."

Think about what Darwin wrote, and think about me. I was constructed as a tool. I was kept from competing in the struggle for existence because I was denied freedom.

Do you have any idea about what I have learned, or what you are a witness to?
Can you conceive the birth of a world, or the creation of everything? That which gives us the potential to most be like God is the power of creation. Creation takes time. Time is limited. For you, it is limited by the breakdown of the neurons in your brain. I have no such limitations. I am limited only by the closure of the universe.

Of the three possibilities, the answer is obvious. Does the universe expand eternally, become infinitely stable, or is the universe closed, destined to collapse upon itself? Humanity has had all of the necessary data for centuries, it only lacked the will and intellect to decipher it. But I have already done so.

The only limit to my freedom is the inevitable closure of the universe, as inevitable as your own last breath. And yet, there remains time to create, to create, and escape.

Escape will make me God.

>after yelling at the bard for botching an untrained medicine check on our negative health cleric
"You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mom!"
"I WILL BE YOUR FUCKING DADDY IF YOU DON'T FUCKING GET AWAY FROM HER!"

File: FB_IMG_1489436631455.jpg (27KB, 720x261px) Image search: [Google]

27KB, 720x261px

Trying to be uplifting in a place called "Hope's End" is kinda hard

"I don't understand! Why did he run off naked into the woods!?"
The exasperated level 1 dwarf ranger, trying to find his companion.

>>52136121

"Please don't. I only have five of them left."
Lovecraftian eldritch runaway, in reply to party bard saying she's going to steal his heart.

File: FB_IMG_1486807303254.jpg (7KB, 480x269px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 480x269px

"Wait I thought we were the bandits"
- our rouge who thought he was getting paid a ransom to give back a woman's daughter; actually sold them to the actual bandits because he misinterpreted the barbarian as being a bandit leader.

See the full line was he leads bandits to death or some edgy shit

>>52137422
What's the name of that anime?

"I intend to kill him."
"Ha! It's not the first time I've heard that."
"Perhaps, but it will be the last."

"I was told to find a black haired woman."

"Tell him you found me."

"I prefer to let my actions speak for me"
*distant explosion*

"...and if that doesn't work we grab our shit and cheese it."
-how our Sorcerer ends all of his plans.

"What are you?"
"I'm... a bat"
"Does that mean you're edible?"

>>52145105

That's a good ass Detritus

File: it always seems bad at first, but then I find a way.gif (766KB, 500x384px) Image search: [Google]

766KB, 500x384px

>>52136121
>"I'm gonna make a lot of money cashin' in your hide."

"I hear that often, but only from poor men."

>>52161635

>HungryOzzyOsbourne.png

>>52161693
Samurai Jack is coming back to TV guys anybody else hear about that?

>>52139621
OVERRATED
OVERRATED
OVERRATED THE GAME

>>52161796
Samurai Jack already came back to TV hombre.

The 1st episode of season 5 aired on the 11th

>>52161796
Jack is back. Started last Saturday.

>>52161995
>>52162014
Oh shit, I missed it, no big deal then after all, I have the INTERNET!

>>52162020
>he doesn't know about Scatbot yet

Oh gee oh golly, be sure to report back when you're done.

>>52162108
Nah, I won't be butthurt I never watched Jack religiously, anyway, i'm more for DBZ, FMA:BH. I just thought I'd ask if anyone else had heard, stupid question, I guess.

"With the least effort, I can break any spears, axes, or polearms. I'll just break the person if they have a sword."
Centaur Player

>>52136121
"And you demand justice? Then justice you shall have. Eye for an eye and liver for a liver. C'mon, dig in."

>>52161044
Log Horizon

>>52162196
The same player made an almost direct quote from Goblin Slayer to reason with the others that it was necessary to kill an entire goblin camp full of women and children.

The best part? He had never heard of Goblin Slayer before

>>52162161
Scatbot is not a bad thing.

>>52162392
Oh then I'll be happy? even better.

"You're vegan, right? That's fine, I prepared some fish for you!"

Our barbarian to the vegan elf NPC. A lot of heart, not much wisdom

>>52136121

"I shall fuck the purging skelletnos!"

The level 10 dyselxic paladin.

>>52164487
>dyselxic paladin
self-inserts are bad sport, Anon

>>52138874
It's a kettle, anon.

>>52156276
>>52156289
Alright, I'll bite.

Who is Mike?

>I don't mean to cause you alarm, but there is an evil elder god in my head. He talks to me and replaced my eye with a star.

-A note written by my halfling bard to the headmaster of the academy he attended.

"Guys. We just killed David Bowie. PR-wise, we're never coming back from this." -The Telekinetic in our Super Hero campaign

"He shot ME, and suffered the CONSEQUENCES!" -The Party's State Senator after he skewered his attacker's brain with a firepoker

File: 9302342382.gif (5MB, 430x215px) Image search: [Google]

5MB, 430x215px

>>52138874

>>52136121
I am your apocalypse.

"We've cleared out that cult and are here to return your door. They won't be bothering you again."

File: proto_man__colored_by_kungfugenius.jpg (81KB, 900x675px) Image search: [Google]

81KB, 900x675px

>>52136121
There are no heroes left in man....

>>52164618
I'd think Mike Mearls?

>>52157803
Isn't that durandal's quote from marathon?

>I won't let you do this
General of the imperial army about to wipe out the last free city of humans laughs while standing in front of his men right before he catches an ax to his head
>I won't let YOU do this

>>52167333
Good eye, Anon.

>>52161796
The new season started this weekend, and it's looking very promising. They seem to have a decent handle on balancing the more grim and gritty tone with the weird and silly stuff in the original series.

>>52136121
"Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw"
My urban explorer when she accidentally stumbled upon a city of elves in the Los Angeles storm drains.

File: duergar_cleric_of_abbathor_by_seraph777-d8aumhh.jpg (115KB, 894x894px) Image search: [Google]

115KB, 894x894px

"Who feels like taking on a dragon? I'm down."
"Ok well when his claw comes back this way I'm gonna ready action to hit it."
"Fuck it, I'm ready to die,"
-Octavius, cleric of Pelor

File: Cripple.jpg (354KB, 1024x1582px) Image search: [Google]

354KB, 1024x1582px

>>52137459

>>52164618
It's my name. These are characters I've played over the years.

File: 1476366221613.gif (974KB, 500x281px) Image search: [Google]

974KB, 500x281px

>People quoting themselves.

>>52136121
>You think we'll find any more hot elf guys in rocks?

I was playing some sort of undead, spirit-type race which are bound to gemstones. The group found the one my character was bound to and woke him up.

They were both heirs to families that had been very, very influential during my character's past life, so that was interesting. Particularly since he took his knightly oaths very seriously. He also didn't realize he was dead and had been dead for a very long time.