Phrases that ALWAYS precede bad things happening in games

>>51849197
>you see a little girl

>>51849197

>Are you sure you want to do that?

>Well, now that you mention it,

>Oh, and one other thing,

>Do you remember, way back, how X happened? Well, now,

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>before you have a chance to do anything

>Everything is going well

>>51849197
>"So far so good."

>>51849261
Speaking as a DM who sometimes utters these words, this one is pure bullshit when it happens and I'm sorry. It means I didn't plan well enough for the game's turn or reflexes mechanics to even function.

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>>51849197
>I can't believe you really did that. So,

>Roll [defensive social skill] for me here, okay?

>This encounter turned out a little too easy, huh.

>So that's that. Damn, we're only four hours in? Huh.

>Oh yeah, I'm going to need [party member who is never there] to give me a knowledge check.

>[obvious enemy] greets you cheerfully

>Remember that time you did [horrible mistake]? Well,

>You coup de grace him and loot his corpse? Sure, so

>it's the unique trait of [enemy], don't think about it too hard

>GM not giving you these exact kinds of cues like "are you sure you want to do that" in an otherwise very obviously dangerous situation

t. GM

>>51849197
>You see a meteor

>>51849366
To add, I think one of the last three commandments in Storytiem's ten should have been "Never interrupt your players when they are making a sigificant but not lethal mistake."

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>>51849386

>*incredulous tone* You're doing X?

>>51849386
I should stop asking my players if they're sure when they're doing something stupid.

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> You've got low STAT, right X?

>>51849410
I keep doing this to give my new players a break, but eventually I'm just going to have to start dishing out PKs

>btw where are you standing?

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>Okay, BUT, since the radius on your spell is

*monster dice roll behind dm screen*

>Hmm okay yeah so here's what happens

>>51849410
It's generally meant to prevent them from derailing the game in a direction nobody in the room cares for (like oh no you broke the seal suddenly demons all over the world sucks about your politics), or PCs dying in extraordinarily stupid ways. Characters making mistakes makes for types of roleplaying and character development that are almost impossible to do without. If you have a player that likes to play an edgelord (or, say, a warlock) and otherwise is basically not roleplaying, you'd be surprised how into the self-loathing and redemption business they can get.

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>somehow, the [seemingly ordinary man] appears to be unharmed

>DM Mutters 'shit' under his breath

>>51849197
Do you take some time to preparefor the journey in the city?

>An ominous rumbling comes from the ground

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>the woman you THOUGHT was a

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>>51849659
>so was there something you have wanted to do between the last session and this one
>players are chatting about something unrelated like video games
>there is a thing they should REALLY HAVE DONE and you fucking know when it comes to the consequences they will say of course they would have done it, but it would be perfectly IC for them to forget, and it's also not so obvious that you should ask directly, and you know you're going to be the one looking like asspuller cunt at the end

>Roll for X...

>In this campaign, if you didn't state it, it didn't happen.

No, that doesn't mean you have to describe basic biological functions or taking your gear with you.

>They're all burned up, yeah. You are counting your arrows, right?
>no reason

>okay, but

>he teleports behind you and says--

>>51849197
>Can I borrow some d10s for a sec?
>You do realize the King is right in front of you, right?

>you don't see/hear/sense anything

Just means we missed something.

>>51852579
>"Everyone roll a d20"

>>51849261
This is only fair if it's proceeded by an agility roll or perception check.

>Okay, so... *papers rustling*

>He hits you and deals *rolls*
>How much HP do you have?

>What's your Perception?
>Are any of you resistant to poison?
>What's your marching order?
>Which hand do you open the door with?

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>>51849197
>the door is unlocked
>the lady smiles at your character
>you enter a room full of hideous, monstrous statues
>suddenly
>before
>as you do X...
>who farted?
>where'd that dice roll off to?
>I made some brownies
>watch your drinks!
>let me see your character sheet
>what was your fortitude save again?
>oh wait, I forgot to add their charisma modifier
>ah no, that's for unlocked doors
>you fail.
>Ooo, nasty.
>ouch, well...
>unbeknownst to you, the Orc was female and pregnant.
>as you slice through the rope, the baby falls towards the molten lava, make a reflex save

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>>51852982
>I made some brownies
BASTARD

>>51852982
>orction

>>51849197
> you think you are hiding well

>>51849197
As an Anima GM
>"Hey, what're you guys' notice/magic appraisal/ki detection" followed by Passive roll.

Also
>Any time my players think they hear dice being rolled two or more consecutive times.
They usually think the beastie they're fighting just open rolled. They're usually right.

>>51849197
Name one good reason any player who kicks a coffin in a dungeon-crawling RPG would deserve to live through the night?

>DM randomly rolls
>DM grins
>"Well!"

>>51852982
>that dice

>>51852982
>the Orc was female an pregnant
Looks like we just performed an aborction.
>carlos.jpg

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>hey I was wondering if I could play this class, it 3rd party but-

>>51849197
>after group discussion, this is the best option we could think of...

>I couldn't find the rules on it, so...

>(since no one's agreeing with me) I'm going to say GM has final say, and I'm GM

>Marching order, and exactly how spaced out are you guys?

>So you make DIRECT contact with it, right, skin and everything?

>Alright what hand do you use?

>>51862554
Oh shit forgot a few

>Okay so as you go through his pockets...

>After you hear the click...

>*rolls an ungodly amount of d8's, then chuckles*

i wrote an article back in the 90s called "the Last Word" which had a bunch of these. i think some people might have posted it since then.
Basically, any time the DM stops and stares at Player X and says something along the line of "Are you sure?" is a good reason to reconsider that plan of action.

>>51849197
>so, I prepared a map...

>But it's what my character would do...

>so... how would you describe your characters current actions?
>he's not actively looking for threats right?

>>51861790
I take it you've had some shit GMs?

>>51849197
>Guys, I just want to remind that if things get too bad, fleeing is always an option in my games.
EVERY
FUCKING
TIME

The worst thing is, he doesn't make fleeing easy either.

>>51849197
>[Pregnant Pause] you can try.
>Now I'm not trying to stop you
And my personal favourite,
>Ah! That reminds me

>>51849197
Player: While the king is talking...
GM: What's your marching order again?
Player: [impatiently interrupting important exposition] I understand; I understand.
GM: You guys have read Lovecraft, right? Well, this monster...
GM: Does anybody have any immunities?

>>51849197
>I need you to roll perception.

>Okay. What's your defense?

>Huh. Can you roll stealth real quick?

>I need two willpower checks. Minus [number] penalty, by the way.

Welcome to world of Darkness. What you don't see first is going to kill you. So will what sees you first.

>>51849567
what crazy kind of monsster is this manager?
Oh wait, answered it myself.

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>>51849261
>>51849366
>>51849515
>>5184974
>>51849766
>>51852269
>>51851777
>>51860441
>I've never done any of these
>My group loves me for it
Feels good.

>I've had a DM that did MOST of these
>In one fucking campaign
>It was a PREMADE ADVENTURE PATH
I actually hate the word grin now. He fucking said it so fucking often
Fuck you Chris you piece of shit.
Liches, demons with beaks, and fucking spore clouds cannot grin you smug fuck

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>>51849197
>I roll Intimidate

>>51849261
I do this one a lot but its due to my players cutting me off mid sentence a lot

>>51849197

>"Ooooookay then"
>*sounds of GM going through their notes*

>>51849197
> "AHAH! I've got "X", there's nothing you can do against me!"

(This actually followed me into the KOTOR MMO, was tanking a robot I did not knew had a knockback, at the time)

>Seriously? Well, Ok...

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Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>51867133
>liches cannot grin

>>51869391
They can't "begin to"
at any rate. They either always are or never are based on decomposition.
Certainly can't/shouldn't do it fucking 5 times in a single goddamn fight. At the very least, I wouldn't mind if he used any other goddamn word, but no.

TL:DR you cheeky cunt you know what I meant

>>51849365
I mean if the party genuinely failed the checks to notice whatever it is then they don't get a chance to react as they were caught off guard.

"You encounter a wicked Vizier..."

>>51872586
ESPECIALLY TRUE IN EXALTED

>>51869391
>Face is literally a skull
>Somehow has eyelids
Holy shit, I've never noticed this until now. I guess I always saw it as a convention of Rich's drawings.

>>51849197

>What are you going to do, stab me?

>Just position yourself on this map for me

Would I be a terrible person for randomly making the party roll perception checks for no reason?

>>51849197
>y'all wanna meet up and play D&D?

>>51849197

> X is busy and Y has a date. Z said he may make it but has alot of homework so I guess we'll have to cancel.

>>51849197
>"I haven't checked yet, but I'm pretty sure I can make it tomorrow"

>Player says something along the lines of "I hope X doesn't happen"
>GM says "High or low?"

>>51852982
>ME WEEPING ORK
>UNUSUAL NAME, YES?

With my group? Any time we announce our roll, and there's a brief pause before our usual GM says, "Okay, here's what happens." At this point, the entire table flinches.

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>>51849261
I struggle, but I don't think I've ever done this one. I let the hitches get their pointless pre-actions from paranoia out of the way every time, because if it's advantaged or sneaky, they're fucked if they're fucked no matter how many weapons they ready or bottles they chug.

>Hey guess who's back

>>51849197
>It's an elf...

>>51852982
>the lady smiles at your character

One of my favorite sessions in recent memory was running an encounter with a mysterious, deprived noblewoman who ran debauched orgies and feasts in her manor every night. Kept referring to the PCs as delicious, delectable morsels and so forth. It was exquisite.

>>51849261
Makes sense if you're describing something they see but this phrase usually is said before some bullshit happens

>>51852269
probably the worst

>>51849197
>Hold on, I got a call from my girlfriend -- she's coming over.

>Which hand are you using to open that door?

>>51849197

>It's not technically against the rules

>What could possibly go wrong?
>It can't get any worse than this.
>At least it's not raining.

>So; fun fact
>Take [x] ability damage
>Oh no, this won't take long

>>51874276
If you play irl, you should sometimes roll dice for no reason. It's a very basic GM trick.

If your game is sandbox-y and your game depends on what NPCs do offscreen and you're caught off guard, rolling odd-even can be a good way to determine what an NPC will do, and is probably a less important thing than the players think. If you do this enough, they'll get used to it and won't read into it.

It's a lot harder to do on the internet, though, because you could just roll on your home table and rolling online for no reason looks pretentious.

>>51849567
>>51866978

Man, I fucking love Dwarf Fortress. If I was a millionaire, Toady One would be getting a hefty donation.

>>51849197
You enter a room

>>51852982
>unbeknownst to you, the Orc was female and pregnant.
>her belly rumbles ominously
>roll initiative

>>51849366
I don't see what's wrong with many of these. Can you elaborate?

>>51849261
Has this ever been preceded by a player trying to do far too much in one turn?

> As they look at you, their face appears emotionless. Roll (insight skill).
>Looking closely, you see (subtle, almost unconscious expressions of threatening emotion).

>*Rolls dice*
>OK, I'll make a note of that.

I sort of switch-GM with anotehr member of our group and we both have this habit. Most of the time when I do I'm merely rolling dice for effect before making shit up as it's fun to unnerve my players.

Whenver he does it, it means he's consulted one of the 2000 autistic tables he currently has open on his laptop because he takes "random events" to their retarded conclusion.

>>51849197
>Alright things are too boring time for suffering.

>>51849261
This is the result of a DM who's had to deal with "BUT I WAS ALREADY CASTING MUH SPELL" too many times.

Also players who won't shut the fuck up.

God I miss playing with my dad. I really need to get that started up again.

>>51852579
No it doesn't. I have loads of empty / boring rooms in my dungeon. It just doesn't make sense that EVERY room has something interesting. I do try to keep moving through them quickly, however. I just like my dungeons less cramped and making more sense.

>>51852724
This one was hard for me to get past as a DM because I never wanted to *kill* characters, only wound them.

Now I have a group of PCs of who i want 50% to die but they are proving unkillable thus far.

>>51885525
When my players start inspecting every room like that I sometimes throw in a secret room on the fly if they get good rolls and/or feel criminally underequipped.

>>51849197
On rolling poorly on just about any skill check.
>It's probably not important.

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>>51849261
>Playing DM's Red Dawn meets D&D game
>Trying to break into the penthouse suite of a casino that a soviet official has been living in for years
>Party splits; I go to the roof to drop down to the balcony while rest goes to the stairwell
>DM chimes in "Before you have a chance to do anything"
>Checks my armor and health and starts rolling behind his screen
>Complete silence
>"You're dead."
>Informs the group that the Soviet official had 6 snipers stationed around the clock on the roofs of other buildings, conveniently all the same height, and pressure sensors on the entire roof floor
>First session of this campaign, haven't even meet the first villain
He honestly wondered why he was never allowed to GM after that

>>51885669
Did you charge the BBEG's castle at level one? Because that's kinda what it sounds like ya did.
Granted it was a dick move not to telegraph that better.

>>51885823
No. This wasn't the BBEG.
The whole game had us as a group of rebels trying to just hit various targets in the area to destabilize the Soviet hold.
This was the first session and was described as a "warm up" to the setting and play style.

Later on he bragged about how every group he ran it on would all die fighting that mini boss style villain.

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>>51860662
Underrated post

>>51849197
>"Inhale"
>OK

>>51885177
I want his tables to try out.

>>51849197
>"I have a bad feeling about this."

(Our GM admits that even if nothing bad was going to happen, once it is invoked something bad happens.)

>Have you checked your inventory?
>Oh yes, about that...

>>51849261
I do a similar thing, but I rarely say that exactly myself. It's because I GM over Roll20 and do so by text alone, which means my players tend to sit back and just wait for me to describe stuff. Which means I can pull a similar "before you can react" moment without it coming off poorly. Though I always roll notice/search/whatever for them ahead of time just in case.

>This would be the perfect spot for an ambush.

>This guy would make a great rat

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>>51849197
>It's your daughter's birthday today, and you are determined to make it memorable.

>>51887799
Hehe.

>Hold on, I need to draw something.

>the tunnel forks into 3 paths...

>>51888572
>We should split up...

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>>51849197

>roll SAN

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>Do any of you have knowledge in...
>Could you roll...
>Is your character wearing gloves?

We're going to play this new game I found today.
It's called FATAL

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>>51849197

Hi there, my name is Chris Hansen...

>>51875845

You should'a turned her into a cannibal, after sex, would eat you, like a black widow deal.

>>51863092
God, I would kill to have a map in my current campaign. I have no clue where anything is, how long it takes to go anywhere, or where we even are.

>What's your party marching order again?

>>51849197
>mm...okay. Go ahead and roll.

>>51885946
That's very much in the spirit of Red Dawn, honestly.

>"I pick up the object."
>"With which hand?"

>>51892294
>[Non-dominant] hand, of course!

>>51892326
I had a faggot that did that in my campaign.

In time, the on-touch effects started targeting a random hand, both hands, or the whole body.

>I wasn't planning on DMing today, but

>>51892326
>So you're not holding your shield?

>Of course I hold it, with my other hand!

>>51849261
>Before you could ___________
A very close relative I am regularly subjected to.

>>51849197
>The man walks up to you. "My name is Derek" he says"
This is fine.
>A tall, statuesque man walks up to you, his hair swaying. He gazes at you and says: "My name... is Derek"
Abort.

>Well, this is too bad. You know what, you roll this check yourself.

>>51849197
>Huh.

>>51849197
>*Burst of laughter kept poorly in check by a kind of snorting stop*

>I forgot to add my pluses.

>>51892326
>>51892357
To be fair, after the first time shit happens to your hand, using your non-dominant to pick shit up is just a good precaution.
Or hell, even before it happens the first time, assuming you have reason to suspect some bullshit.

>Yeah, sure, whatever, you did the thing, now back to X

>>51893020
Yeah, but if there's no reason to suspect any bullshit, that's just a sort of mildly annoying metagaming.

And that's just doesn't feel right. If I'm expecting something to happen when I touch the object, I don't fucking pick it up with my left hand, I either use protective gloves or tongs or a hook or whatever.

>>51875390
>Why are you weeping, orc?
Man I loved that thread

>>51849197
> *DM rolls dice*
> "You don't see anything"

>>51885946
Did you have fun?

>>51849197
>Oh shit, I forgot your character could do that!

From a recent session
>You loot the corpse of the guy with the blowgun? He has a jar of muck that looks like bogwater and shit with a mangled rat corpse in it
>btw, roll constitution for me, penalty 4

>>51849197
>DM's face lights up
>"Okay! Okay, so."

>>51894291
Why would merely taking the jar inflict anything? It'd take opening it to inhale fumes or something, surely.

>>51893694
>DM rolls dice
>face scrunches up
>"Nothing SEEMS to be wrong for NOW."
>Party sweating profusely
>Also, there aren't actually any traps or opponents. DM just has a migraine and a speech impediment that makes him emphasize random words.

>I just wanted to let you all know I've been drinking.

>>51872542
This. I've used that phrase several times. It always follows Perception and/or Reflex rolls.

>>51849197
>Fail a save
>"Nothing happens"

>Loses a combat
>Nothing overtly bad happened but the enemy is gone

You didn't say preced for how long

>>51883795
Fun fact about taxes; the recipient doesnt have to pay taxes on it if the donation is under $14,000. Any larger and it becomes a paycheck

>>51894693
>Okay, so I haven't had much time to prepare this session but let's see how it goes

>>51849567
We had this in a game recently.

We were researching vandalism to the towns enchanted sentry stones, one broke loose and conjured an air elemental that attacked the town, rumours of demons and imps running around at night wee high.

We eventually search the butchers house finding evidence that places his wife suspect to the tampering, feeling cautious as we hope they aren't linked to the demonic activity as well.

We search the upstairs, only to find it crawling with insects and mane demons, we fight them off and smash through the upstairs wall in the melee. Our party spot the butcher and his wife returning, him with a few stacks of firewood in hand and her a basket of bread.

Our barbarian says "Fuck this, they are clearly behind this, they die!" he snarls, leaping from the building and hurling himself at the butcher. We try to yell after him and stop him but to no avail, as we suspect it is the wife, not him behind everything. Nonetheless he slams his sword into the guys shoulder digging it inches deep into the flesh. We swear loudly wondering how to explain this murder to the villagers.

The butcher looks up at the barbarian, hasn't even flinched and snarls "You should not have done that." and pummels his fist into the barbarians gut three times knocking him back and prone. The DM adjusts his health bar from the sword blow, it barely moves. Turns out the butcher was a sentient flesh-golem made by the wife and we all collectively shit bricks.

>>51849197
>roll for perception
everyone fails the roll

>>51894085
The GM was never allowed to run again, what do You think?!

>Rolls
>Oh, that's not good...

>>51852579
>"Looks clear."

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>>51895230
>Turns out the butcher was a sentient flesh-golem made by the wife and we all collectively shit bricks.

Sounds like a fun session!

>>51852666
An agility roll or perception check with a difficulty set arbitrarily high enough that the players would be unable to succeed no matter how well they rolled.