Storythread

File: 1478160852858.jpg (213KB, 1600x713px) Image search: [Google]

213KB, 1600x713px

>>51541521

File: 1428618706958.jpg (360KB, 1600x701px) Image search: [Google]

360KB, 1600x701px

>>51541596

File: 1461357002207.jpg (794KB, 1218x533px) Image search: [Google]

794KB, 1218x533px

>>51541707

File: 15264323373_9f9428ba5f_o.jpg (671KB, 905x1280px) Image search: [Google]

671KB, 905x1280px

Dumb, Bobs. I couldn't keep the last thread up because of them.

>>51542052
Last one ran for over a week and got past 200, so that's not too bad. Hopefully this time we'll get up to the bump limit.

Also, speaking of last week I just remembered I wanted to say something about this guy (I'm assuming they're all the same person):
>>51397514
>>51397578
>>51397942
>>51398973
It's not really a comment on the stories themselves, but I just wanted to say that I love you for giving them titles. I know it seems like a small thing but coming up with titles for other people's work is really the most frustrating part of capping all the stories each week (although they don't need to be in every post, just the first one).

File: 1455776708380.jpg (118KB, 1248x872px) Image search: [Google]

118KB, 1248x872px

So I was working on my setting and decided to write some short stories to get a feeling for the world and some of the stuff that is going on. I also do this to improve my english as a non-native speaker.
What do you guys think? Did I put too much into exposition?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15rxWD5w3fvpPCiBaVpZl1FsnpyUTfg8XOF25nbFS3EM/edit?usp=sharing

>>51543697
>>51544081
>>51544096
>>51544142
While we appreciate people trying to keep the thread alive, it's generally better to post new image bumps in a longer period, only around the time the thread starts reaching page 9 (or at least in around 40-50 min intervals), not two minutes apart: It burns through the post-limit slower and also attracts less assholes who lurk on page one and report anything that feels too off-topic to them.

>>51544079
On it. May take a while.

>>51544079
>Did I put too much into exposition?
A part of me wants to say yes, you should trim it down, and a part of me wants to say no, but if you're going to have a lot of descriptive passages you have to present them in an interesting way.

For example, instead of saying
>Today he chose his iskandian officers sword. The akantian honorblade and wynzakadian graduation sword had to wait.
you could say:
>He straightened his uniform, and reached for his swordbelt. It would be the iskandian officers sword today, perfectly balanced and just the right length to be worn on the streets. The akantian honorblade and his wynzakadian graduation sword, ruthlessly beautiful though they were, would have to wait for another day.

That way you're actually saying something about the weapons, the man choosing them, and the situation he expects to find himself in, rather than just running though a list of names that are completely meaningless to the reader. Of course, by making the descriptive passage longer you have to cut down the overall number of descriptions to keep the story from dragging.


The other thing that I noticed was that your English skills need work. I noticed a lot of errors, some of them quite basic.
>The white silk robe scrooped with every of her deliberate steps.
should be
>the white silk robe scraped with each of her deliberate steps

>>51544357
generally a good point, but at the beginning of the thread we need a decent number of images to actually get things going, otherwise people have nothing to write about.

File: 1486102831091.jpg (229KB, 787x1200px) Image search: [Google]

229KB, 787x1200px

>>51544357
I'm not around the bump the thread whenever it reach the last page, and I assumed that with 6 pictures you were more in need of inspiration anyway.

>>51544695
>>51544677
Ok, point taken. Carry on then.

File: 1382009681382.jpg (389KB, 1758x2346px) Image search: [Google]

389KB, 1758x2346px

>>51544658
Thanks for feedback, I will try to be more descriptive in the future. It was a concern for me while writing it because I considered the overall length of the text.

>>51545288
>I considered the overall length of the text.
Don't get me wrong, that is something you should take into account (I have a bad habit of overwriting my stories). But between what you've done and what I usually do, there's a happy medium.

File: Tree-float.gif (2MB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 320x240px

I'd like to repost some of my stuff here, while I work on something else. Feedback is always welcome.

Also, is there some kind of discord for 4chan writers?

A Hackster is Born (Cyberpunk Satire)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xXmNXC8yAe5YAWDYBR4FUCvr8OFlZNdm1q1xVhXKCrU/edit?usp=sharing

Love and Death in the SPQR
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iSLPvwGZPLk9ARKHd1gH-GKeqMyFthVz6teezs_c9Nc/edit?usp=sharing

My Name is Amelia Darrow (Vampire)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14kJXJ40yZusJL9WZvIEkNd5bGg7jPq9Kx9WTvD7B_10/edit?usp=sharing

Clear the Way! (oWoD - Werewolf the Apocalypse)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12n-NCkB2XrMCmMasDItwqituQf0bH5Q5wTCXTpWzhjk/edit?usp=sharing

>>51544079
So, I finished it. Most of what I have to say, however, was summed here >>51544658
pretty well: the two major problems are A) mistaken or somewhat awkwardly used English (as a non-native speaker, I know how hard it is to get prose in your non-native language right) and B) the fact that you often name-drop, rather than present references to your world-realities in broader context. I actually think more description in general would be in order.

Then there are things more related to common faults of starting writers. Your dialogues are too brief: basically you have your characters just barking the most important information in one or two sentences - there is no actual dynamic of conversation. It's particularly problematic when it comes to interactions between Nuraisen and Illven, which presumably should have some kind of more expanded dynamic between them, considering the later reveal.
In general, the whole "I should do her" thing with Illven would really deserve a lot more flashing out. A little more nuance too, I guess.
Your characters could do with a little more introduction too. Instead of:
>They sat down at the white table in the preparation room and the young captain Conris spread the map before the general.
Say:
>They sat down at the white table. Conris, the youngest of the captains of the guard, quickly stepped in to spread a map in before the general with a bow.
It's a small change, but it immediately makes it clearer to the reader that this character is going to play a larger role. You can also step in add to establishing of the character in the following paragraphs - you should, considering how he gets to become the next main character in the end.
The ending in general is a bit confusing and hurried up. I had to read it several times to actually figure out what is going down. Slow down a bit, describe the situation some more.

Most of the faults are, of course, the kinds of things that are fixed with practice. Lots and lots of practice.

File: 22.jpg (3KB, 120x120px) Image search: [Google]

3KB, 120x120px

A bit of general advice for those who weren't sure about this, I realized it when I was reading this:
>>51544079
Please, do not use quotation marks only for internal speech (the things people think of, but not say out loud). I refer to things like the:
>"I should do her"
line.
Quotation marks generally denote direct speech. They can be used in combination with italics to imply the character is actually experiencing internal dialogue, or that that you are conveying his thoughts verbatim, but they should never be used without italics. Alternatively, you can write it without either, just:
I should do her! the general thought.
Although that can get awkward, and should be only used when you really know what you are doing.
Using quotation marks only, even if you put a "I/he/she though" right behind it still makes it confusing AS HELL, especially if the thought happens in a middle of a conversation.

Generally, there are three options to convey thoughts and internal monologues/dialogues:
Write them in italics.
Write them in italics with quotation marks.
Write them without either, but in that case you always have to put some proper tag at the beginning or end of the sentence to make it clear that this is a character's though and not part of generic narration.

I recommend the first option, unless a character is literally thinking of something he WANTS TO SAY OUT LOUD IN A CONVERSATION (but decides not to - like if, in a middle of a dialogue, a character thinks of a witty retort, but decides to keep quiet, in which case I'd use the second option).

Just keep in mind:
Writing your character thoughts in quotation marks only is a BIG NO-NO.
Whenever you decide to use italics or no is up to you, but remember to be CONSISTENT about it.

Uh, sorry for the rant. But it's something I noticed more than once through out these threads.
It's something like putting a space in front of a comma. Sort of a literary taboo. I'll stop now.

File: tumblr_by_hammie_d-d79cy89.png (398KB, 620x874px) Image search: [Google]

398KB, 620x874px

>>51547406
Hey thanks for posting this pic again anon, still finishing a story with this image...

###

Let it never be said an Incubus could not pilot a plane. His name is Iriko, or atleast what he calls himself (his actual name is hard to pronounce to mortals) takes a great joy in flying one of the most exclusive planes in the world. Only open to those with exuberant sums of money, or the times that the eccentric captain will randomly choose a person to come on the flight for no reason. (He once invited a homeless man on-board, who turned out to be quite the interesting character.) The flights and plane are of any otherworldly proportion. The flight attendants appear in whatever form is most pleasing to the individual passengers. Same with the rest of the flight (usually lasting an upwards of 24 hours.) The drinks are however the client likes them, and so is everything else. They may fulfill their wildest pleasures, talk with the spirits of famous people and celebrities who rode in Iriko's flights and will appear for a in-flight meal or drinking, simply watch the best movies ever created, or sit up with the Captain.

The truth is, Iriko is terribly lonesome up there in the cockpit. While he feeds off of all the pleasure, the last person to come up and say 'hi' did so nearly almost 40 years past. That being the reasons he invites strangers on random. Hoping that one mortal or two will be able to disregard their carnal pleasures or vested interests to pay him a visit. He has been disappointed so far, but it will not deter him.

For the mortal who actually cares enough will receive quite the reward indeed. Of course, if any knew this, they would no doubt kill to sit up with him. So it is merely a waiting game for him now, and he has a lot of time. The only thing worse than being immortal, is being lonely and immortal.

File: LuxorDeluxe-GTAV-front.png (3MB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 1920x1080px

>>51547891
Another day another flight Iriko has given. Today he has invited high school students; whom were approved by their school and parents, to have a free flight which will last about 42 hours, two days tops. This year however he has decided to utilize a new plane, the previous plane he has used was an older and already aging model that has lasted for about 50 years. And because of that, he knew to get a newer and up-to-date plane that will not only accommodate his passengers, but will also live up to current date safety standards. Even though he has used his magic to enchant his flights and his plane he still put high priority to flight standards and protocols for the safety and pleasure of his passengers.

His new plane is a custom made luxury golden jet plane (of course by golden jet plane, it was expertly painted to look golden as actual gold is too heavy and malleable for practicality and to be used as metal for constructing aircraft.) And ofcourse he used his magics to enchant it with his abilities to please and pleasure his passengers of their carnal desires and feeding of their pleasures. And as soon as the flight has started and has now reached to the skies, he can already sense and feel the young ones indulging in their interests. There were students who were watching only the best and highly rated films, some were being entertained by lesser succubi who were disguised as the flight attendants (whom also served Iriko as his helpers) and there were student passengers who indulged in the delicious food and drink served in the buffet.

Iriko was once again disappointed of the mortals who gave in to such decadence, but again he was not mad since he and the lesser succubi who worked for him still fed off the pleasure of the passengers. But today was going to be slightly different as Iriko had heard a knock on the door leading to the cockpit.

Let me field an idea guys, I'm starting to outline a novel that's a prequel to a novel I've already written (and really really need to start sending out again)

The old book has two things that have been bugging me that I hope to fix. First, it's a dystopic totalitarian shithole, but because the story is so focused on the character and the resultant civil war that happens, the setting doesn't get enough attention. Second, a side character is basically too close to the main plot for how important they are. To remedy this, the prequel has that side character as the main character (old MC will still have some perspective chapters as new MC did in old book) and the story will take place in the gritty pits of the cyberpunk city, before shit hits the fan with the civil war.

To pitch it simply, MC makes VR Craig's List and gets rich as an entrepreneur, only for chinese drug smugglers to infiltrate his system to smuggle drugs into the city, and try and steal national secrets and smuggle them out. Shutting them down outright would bankrupt himself, cue drama and guns and explosions.

Which I think is a pretty decent pitch for a sci-fi thriller.
Two hangups I'm sitting on. First, the new MC is trans... in that when they're in Virtual Reality they identify as female but not in meatspace. I'm kind of stuck with that, because of the other book where it's helpful for the story and the setting. So, if I were an amazing 10/10 author, I'd use it to show his transition not from male to female, but from oppressed wage slave to independently successful despite big brother's boot on his neck. The more he succeeds, the better he makes his life, until the yakuza and the triads and everyone are putting guns to his head.

Second hangup is much more straight forward. Do you think it'd be lame, or low brow, or what have you to have the other character (they're best friends for the record) be the one to kill the drug smugglers in the climax? Antagonist gets dealt with by the MC though.

File: escapejpg_by_thegreatgmoddude-daxpliv.jpg (167KB, 1191x670px) Image search: [Google]

167KB, 1191x670px

It was perhaps the most bizarre sight anyone on the Humvees or helicopter ever witnessed, seeing two grown men, US Marines no less, barreling down the streets of Berlin in children's bicycles. Even more bizarre was that they were outrunning the Humvees.

"How the fuck, How the FUCK are they doing this?" One of the militants blared over the radio. "How the fuck are we being led on by two fucking Americans on bikes!"
"How about shooting them, idiot?" Another shouted.
"What do you think I've been doing?" He shouted back. "They just keep dodging!"
"What? How the hell do they just dodge bullets?"
It took a bit, but the helicopter soon got a video feed from a Humvee, showing those two marines on bikes pedaling with all their might. Someone opened fire on it, but these guys seemed to be so skilled with these bikes that they just weaved back and forth between the machine gun's hail of bullets. One of the trucks then fired a rocket.
The two marines swerved out of the explosion, but the shockwave propelled them high enough in the air to pull 180s in midair before riding that flight all the way into turning a hard left into an alleyway. The drastic turn shocked the pursuers so hard they missed their chance to turn and keep up.

"Mother of god, what are these idiots?" The helicopter pilot muttered.
"They must be super-soldiers!" The driver shouted. "They're here to sabotage our government by making us a laughingstock!"
The pilot agreed, "Not for long, they will..." Thus motivated, the Helicopter had someone unleash another rocket as the Humvees circled around. The resulting explosion had the building slowly crumble and tip over, collapsing on the other.
They managed to catch up, as the bikes were just leaving the collapsing alley when the helicopter finally arrived to tail the pursuit. All three vehicles opened fire on the fleeing commandos.
Even with all the bullets raining upon them, the commandos refused to buckle even a little to the assault behind them.

>>51552257
"Goddammit, how the hell are you not hitting them?" Each of them shouted.
"Fuck this," the pilot then gave up, "I'm going to fire another rocket!"
One of the drivers asked, "With all this open space? This road has enough room for them to turn wherever they want!"
"Fucking imbeciles! Lock them down with your gunfire!"

While the plan was tactically sound, with the two mounted machine guns making swerving too far a deadly mistake while the rocket forcing them to either move or take the hit, it failed to factor in the fact that the two bikers could simply stop, making the militants overtake them so quickly that they failed to notice the escaping marines.
The fact was that the marines were playing these men like fiddles by nonchalantly evading all of these attacks. Not even once did they seemed even the slightest bit worried about themselves or their situation.

"I swear, how the hell can these assholes keep going?" one of the drivers asked. "We've been chasing them for almost an hour already!"
"If we don't catch them soon, we'll be out of gas!" Cried the other.
The pilot then gasped as he realized the tunnel entrance coming up. "The bastards! They're trying to lose us in the undergroung tunnel!"
"If we follow them, we won't be able to turn back!"
"They won't need to!"

Those were the pilot's smug words as he loosed yet another rocket at the entrance, destroying it. The trucks had no time to stop or outrun the collapse, and instead crashed headlong into the wreckage. Even worse was that in desperation, the helicopter fired at the tunnel with abandon, leveling everything it could.

To everyone's outrage, even the destruction of a tunnel was not enough to halt the marines, who proceeded to escape as Helicopter ran out of fuel and had to retreat. The marines barely made it to a gas station when they both collapsed on the ground, laughing like madmen as they stared up at the gray cloudy sky.

>>51553438
Despite how stupid the plan sounded, despite the fact that they practically pushed themselves beyond exhaustion on a mad chase for over an hour, they somehow managed to evade pursuit. Even more, they humiliated their captors, and that was worth everything.

One marine gasped out, "Next time you lose the fucking truck again, I'm not going to wait up for you. Got it?"
It took a little longer before the other marine stopped laughing. "Fuck you, it worked out," He replied. "But fine, sir."

And so they just laid there for a few hours, just barely sleeping from all the adrenaline. When next they woke up, they just decided to walk to the nearest city to call for an evac with an borrowed cellphone. This was a tale nobody at base would ever believe.

File: 1452638576236.jpg (169KB, 1000x563px) Image search: [Google]

169KB, 1000x563px

I'm building a high fantasy setting, and I've encountered two issues.

Although I've already got most of the fantasy races in (elves, dwarves, etc), I'm debating whether or not to ditch the more fantastic elements and make it a low fantasy in spite of the magical races being present.

Also, if I decide to keep it a high fantasy, I'm struggling with how to make the magic system that's used in the setting seem unique.

Anyone have any ideas? Pic unrelated.

>>51564025
Don't stress yourself too hard trying to be original. The high fantasy genre has such a vast amount of work it's inevitable that you're going to end up treading over familiar ground at some point. Just choose stuff you like and stuff you think fits well together. Novelty for the sake of novelty tends not to lead to anything good.

>>51564437
I know, that's why I said "seem unique". I'm not prepared to put the effort in to create a whole new thing, but I still have too much pride to just rip something else off.

>>51564025
>I'm struggling with how to make the magic system that's used in the setting seem unique.

Don't worry about making it unique. Just make a good one.

>>51564738
"Forty two leagues past Last Hold, there yet stands that fortress which gave the Stalwart Reaches their name. Before the bands of the Vaskoi came to prominence, before Emperor Hanryg came down from the lands of Skel to civilize these stony shores, there were the Golgoth, and their legends are epic and numerous. Armies bore their standards on a thousand battlefields, and no less than twenty states were taken into the fold by force of arms. From the southern Hinterlands west to the Eternal Ridge, widows were left weeping, bereft of son and husband both, and the name Golgoth was cursed by both the living, of which there were few, and the dead, of which there was suddenly many more.
But I digress.
The name of the fortress itself has been lost to the ages, but it has been given the moniker of Crenelation, or simply The Crenel. It is a mark of the enduring (if somewhat bitter) sarcasm which flavors the humor of the indigenous peoples, as the fortress itself is absolutely bare of any such adornment upon its walls, and indeed on the whole it looks nothing like those stony protrusions oft found in evidence atop other fortifications. If once any such members stood upon its weathered wallwalks, the distaste of time and the uncertainty of the wind long since wore them away, until the entirety of the fortress is ringed by a smoothed wall some one hundred and eleven feet tall, and thirty deep. To term this building monumental in size is just barely adequate, but even yet its most curious facet has yet to be revealed. The entirety of the walls appears to have been carved out of a single stone, with neither crease nor crevice to be found marring its surface. In fact-
Ah, apologies. You have no interest for the fortress' history, nor in its construction.
You wish to know of that which lies within.
>Cont (1/2)

>>51566665
Past the main gates, there can be found the remnants of some great battle. Once, three and thirty men stood guard in the passage leading from the outer courtyard to the citadel, each highly trained and fervently impassioned. Now the only sign of their passing is a collection of armor, heavily rusted and poorly wounded, the men once enshrined within long since rotted away into nothing. It is said that a wraith stalks that burial ground, the collective spirits of the warriors given primal force, assaulting all who would dare pass over the threshold with savage abandon. Few attempt to meet it in battle. As of yet, none have been successful.
If farther still your journey, past those metal corpses, you will find yourself within the citadel. Crenelation was the premier Golgoth fort within these Reaches, and its halls hosted chieftain and king alike as they bent their knee to the empire. Rich tapestries adorned every wall, and many a mage worked his sorcery within rooms made entire of onyx, clad in runes of silver jade. Even a fragment of a chamber would make you impossibly wealthy, rich enough to travel back home and buy out a large estate, perhaps raise a family all of your own. But those mages did not die peacefully, those chieftains and kings were never given their last rites, and to tread upon the place of their dying is to invite ruin upon yourself and that which you hold dear.

>1/3, I lied.

>>51566686
Beyond the rotting carpet, past the remnants of nubile statues, illuminated only by ossified torches which once illuminated the rise and fall of civilizations, it is said that there is simply a box. It has no name, and what it contains is of great note, if little renown. Within, it is said, is a letter of inheritance, bestowing upon the reader all the lands of the Golgoth, from the Eternal Ridge to Moontide, the Hinterland to Skel. Within is the right to an empire, the ability to resurrect a legacy so ancient there are legends about its legends, and its once-murderous grip is remembered as a fond and fading memory.
But what use would that be to you, boy?"

>[Fin]

Criticism more than welcome.

File: 2802641-school-boy-pre-teen-in-high-school-uniform-showing-the.jpg (49KB, 533x800px) Image search: [Google]

49KB, 533x800px

>>51549206
There was a knock on the pilot's door and clicked on the button which released the lock of the door to let whoever was outside in.

"Coooome in~" Said Iriko in the gentlest and soothing manner. And as he said so the door opens to show a teenaged school boy. "Ah hello! I take it you want to take a seat beside me? Ask some questions? Chat?"

"Uhh... Yeah... How did you know mister?" The boy timidly asks, hesitates to come in, but eventually walks in and takes a seat beside Iriko.

"...So why are you doing this?"

"Doing what boy?"

"Doing, well... This? You cater you're flight services to rich and very wealthy folk. Yet you give away free flights to anyone? As in any people you decide to? I mean, why our school? We're not from some esteemed or very well known school. We're just from a public school, not a very upper class one with famous students. Just why? Isn't this a big waste of money and your resources? Giving away free flights like this?"

Iriko chuckled a bit at the boy's questions and curiosity. For quite some time this is what Iriko at the least has been waiting for. Someone he can talk to, not for pleasure seeking, but for just small talking and just friendly chats.

"Well my boy. I am what you mortals- I mean, uh, people, call an 'eccentric' one."

"But sir, even with that. Why do this for free? Doesn't this harm your business?"

"Well dear boy, I already earn alot from wealthy folk who take flights on my planes and services. And a secret is the type of 'specialties' my flight services can provide, to which your fellow classmates are enjoying in right now. Say, why are you not with your classmates? This is a very exquisite experience right now, probably might not getting something like this again for a very long time."

There was a pause as the boy pondered to what he can reply to.

>continuing and hoping this thread lasts long till its duration

>>51573064
Then the boy answered.

"Its because of the fact that you offer such high end an very expensive travel and flight services; which in itself is very costly to maintain thus for the reason you make it expensive and reserved for rich people, yet here you are giving it for free."

Iriko also responded. "Hmhhmm. I just have my reasons child. And I'll say it again, I already earn so very much with what I do. And no other competing aerial flight and travel service would be able to top me. But at the same time I don't have anyone trying to compete against me and what I do since my "exclusive services and features", are only unique to me. While the other aerial flight and travel businesses have their way with catering to the less wealthy and middle class... What's your name boy?"

"Jake... Jake St.Kirkpatrick. Second year highschool student."

"Nice having this acquaintance Jake. Do you still wish to just sit here with me or are you going back to the passenger seats and enjoy this two day trip with the services provided?"

"I think I'll stay with you sir. Its sort of a unique experience seating up with a person such as yourself. Plus I have a feeling you're a person who makes good company."

"Hehehe, why thank you Jake. You can just sit back and enjoy, and just say if you need or want anything." Iriko said with delight in his voice.

And so this is the payoff he often looks for. And while he still continues to feed of the decadent pleasures and wants of the passengers, he'd still enjoy the company of a friendly person looking for a chat. Iriko will have to think of a reward for the school boy who chose to sit with him in the pilot's cabin as opposed to giving in the carnal desires offered in Iriko's flights.

As for now, Iriko has to focus on his flight like a good and well experienced pilot.

>>51549424
Bumping this because I've been doing some outlining

I think I can spin the first problem into just transhumanism. Give the guy a girlfriend who lives near 100% of the time in VR and changes her body on whims, use it as an expression of freedom against the totalitarian government.

Although, that leads to my gut wanting to do some very strange things. For starters, she'd have to die to not screw up the story I already wrote (which only takes place a few months later)

Anyone have experience in here with note card outlining? Any helpful tricks to it?

>>51549424
>>51574373
firstly, are you sure you should be writing a second novel if you haven't got the first accepted by a publisher? It's a lot of effort to go to when you don't actually know if anyone likes the setting yet, and also if you do get accepted you'll get a proper editor who will most likely offer you much more constructive advice than we can give.

>Although, that leads to my gut wanting to do some very strange things. For starters, she'd have to die to not screw up the story I already wrote (which only takes place a few months later)
maybe you shouldn't write a prequel then?

secondly,
>I think I can spin the first problem into just transhumanism.
this is the right solution.

>>51576025
I'm going to be working on it as I send the written one out to agents. And well, before the middle book gets published is the only time to really write a prequel, so that I can adjust time scales and references accordingly, you know? Right?

Isn't it a selling point to say that this book is part of a trilogy, all of which should stand alone by virtue of having different main character? (Three friends, each book has a different one of them as the main character)

>>51578303
>And well, before the middle book gets published is the only time to really write a prequel, so that I can adjust time scales and references accordingly, you know? Right?
that's a decent point

>>51566665
>>51566686
>>51566705
Holy wall of text, Batman!

More seriously, I enjoyed the use of an older cadence for English, and using structure that prevented hanging prepositions. You did, however, leave one curiously worded sentence fragment in the middle of your second post.
>...collection of armor, heavily rusted and poorly wounded

Could you explain the "poorly wounded" part? Typo? I've re-read it a few times and the only thing to come to mind is that they were killed by magical or superficial wounds.

>>51573205
So now that I got this done. What do you think of this? Specifically to the people who questioned this story previous thread?

File: 1452137820977.jpg (901KB, 1000x637px) Image search: [Google]

901KB, 1000x637px

Asking for a friend of mine; what are some of the good ways of getting exposition across in stories without it being too clunky and/or making the characters seem like idiots?

Pic unrelated.

>>51581722
I wasn't one of the people in the last thread, but I think it's okay.

If you want to know what you could work on, though, it maybe could have used some more action. I don't mean fight scenes or shit like that. I just mean that in order for it to be a story and not just an exposition dump, things need to actually happen. The only actual event is the boy knocking on the door and coming into the cockpit. Everything else is just description, really.

Also, your prose isn't exactly perfect. I don't know if English isn't your first language or if you're just a careless editor, but sentences
>Iriko was once again disappointed of the mortals
(which obviously should be 'disappointed in the mortals') really stick out.

I did a major rework of something.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U78NcA4WyWyCnRNO-tpIp7Yk4MNFz38N3BvId0bHuoU/edit


Does this work in any capacity?

>>51584971
Does it irk anyone else that the gun doesn't load ammo like that at all, and that Pooh bear actually says "Oh, bother." not simply "Bother."

>>51551271
Sarloc The EverFlame.
Xeratul The Infinite.
Serarltul The Scaled Reaver.

The beast was known by many names in many tongues. Numerous races and cultures had a name for the beast. Even more fell and with them more tales and names. Some ascribed it as nothing more than a greedy hungering beast. Bounties for it ranged from the wealth of small nations to the hands of unwed princesses and with them the promises of power. Others believe the beast to be a force of nature. Something that has always been and will always be. There are even whispers and rumors of cultures worshipping the beast. It's strength, fury, and flames could only be something of a divine nature. Something greater than us.

We didn't have a name for it.

As we crawled through the canyons, sun beating down upon us viciously. The dry earth and rocks mocking us unceasingly. Daring us to take another swig from our flasks.

It happened hours into our journey.

We came across what appeared to be the markings of a mine. Dhalvenn quickly climbed onto a structure of the mine before he aided the scholar Harold in his ascent. The man was more used to days burying his nose in tomes and maps. Venn wasn't the brightest man ever, but his honor and bluntness were so refreshing. Sir Daniel merely trotted around on his horse. His vows demanded he never dismounts in the wilds. There was an initial resentment towards this of course. We had to walk while he rode? How the gods must have laughed. At least he had the courtesy to be respectful towards us.

We weren't ready for it.

It was Venn who noticed the markings. His eyes forged in numerous battles to recognize the minute changes, always ready for an ambush with a smile on his face. Harold was too busy examining the mine to make out our location. Daniel was tending to his mount.

It started as a rumble.

We attributed it towards hot winds dislodging some rocks. It had happened frequently and we tired of springing to the ready at every sound.

We were wrong.

>>51587410
Gods we were so wrong.

The wind became hotter, unbearably so. I began to sweat profusely, Daniel's mount brayed and whined in panic while he tried to calm the beast, Venn's hands found the haft to his Axe as his usual smile was replaced with dread, and Harold fell to his rear, startled by the motions of Venn.

It came with fire.

No. It was fire.

It was a hot red-orange, much like the fires in the forge my father and I once manned. Its scales were burning with whiskers of flame, setting the rocks aflame themselves and turning others into a nothing but liquid and steam at the barest of touches. The first thing I saw was the face.

By all the God's in the sky, earth, and water I will never forget that face. It bristled with spikes and horns. Its eyes, pools of magma with tiny pinpricks of infinite black. As it lowered its head into our section, I could see my reflection in them, shaking with primal fear. Its eyes shone with intelligence that shook me to my core.

How could such a thing hold such a look? What did it mean for us?

These questions raced through my mind alongside many others.

Was it my time to die? Did I live a good life? Why me?

It's terrible, terrible mouth opened and with it the air in the canyon rose to heights that I thought impossible. It was as if my soul itself was set alight. Every part of me screamed in protest.

Then it did something... Something that I will never forget. Even as I finally lay down my weapons, then my tools. Even as I hold my firstborn in my arms. As I teach him to be a man. As I watch him depart into the world to carve a path and find himself as my father once did, and his before him.

That... Beast... No, that Thing.

That thing spoke to us.

"Welcome, Travelers..."

>>51586171
Does it work as... what? A prologue? Sure.

It's got that stereotypical set up for boring guy meets interesting things happening coincidentally all around him forcing him to be relevant... esque atmosphere to it. Over exaggerated how boring his life and his job is (if that isn't foreshadowing, I don't know what is). The little hook with the shrink slipping up and mentioning [It's Happening] kinda stuff was well placed, very simple.

Other than walking away feeling like I read 'Sal' more times than I read common words like 'the' and being annoyed, and that the paragraphs felt a little industrially uniform, as in,

>This paragraph gets 4 lines.
>Next paragraph gets 4 lines.
>Next paragraph gets 4 lines.
and immediately seeing a neat pattern of 4 line paragraphs all the way down the page, it was pretty good prose.

Wouldn't mind reading what happens next.

>>51587293
That's a Martini-Henry, which is a breech-loading singleshot rifle with a dropping block action. The round is inserted into the chamber via a ramp on the upper surface of the breech, which is lowered to expose the chamber by the lever. Pooh is doing it right.

File: 1481272867645.jpg (172KB, 655x763px) Image search: [Google]

172KB, 655x763px

Image bump before bed.

>>51587673
>>51587293
>you learn something new every day
I honestly thought it was a shitty rendition of a lever-action mosin. Thanks, /k/.

>>51541521
Just trying to link this thread properly:

>>>51308973

>>51589127

>>/tg/51308973

>>51589140
>>51308973

>>51589148
Just post the desustorage link or something

>>51575847
Hopefully this aint a hundred percent lesbo magick realm shite

>>51591571
Not the anon who posted that pic but can confirm, it is.

File: 1455823190543.jpg (321KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

321KB, 1920x1080px

Pre-work bump?

Are Monstergirls /tg/?

>>51592624
Yes. I mean, they're not a good part of /tg/ but they're definitely part of /tg/.

Also, a quick perusal of the wiki page would show that we have had monstergirl stories before.

>>51580280
I tossed that together in a solid twenty minutes, so I guess my brain decided that 'poorly' was a good substitute for 'harshly,' despite the fact that it means something totally different in this context and the flow is only marginally better.

>>51589127
>>51589148
>>51589140
Threads only stay in the 4chan archive for a week after they leave the active board. After that they're gone forever (except that Desuarchive stores them as well, indefinitely. But third party archivers aren't necessarily very reliable - even as a write this Archived.Moe is under DDoS attack - which is why we're lucky we have Chronicler to preserve our stories.)

>>51542293
Thanks!

>>51602330
Huh. Wasn't always like that.

File: Sleepy Good.jpg (264KB, 1000x1000px) Image search: [Google]

264KB, 1000x1000px

Sleepy bump

>>51587863
Not actually /k, just a fan of Zulu.

You're welcome, though.

I'm not aware of any lever action Mosin-the Mosin-Nagant's a bolt action. The Henry has the lever handle with the bend but without a loop, and unsurprisingly lacks a magazine entirely(The closest shape match I could think of, the series of Winchester lever action rifles, has a tubular magazine under the barrel. Makes the thing look like an over-under double barrel rifle with a lever action.)

>>51601763
Mini story!
"The Conqueror Lies Resplendent"-piece by Nicolea Daguerreotype.

"How much longer?" The resplendent king whispered behind curled fingers.
The new domestic minister whispered back through tightly pressed lips. "Just a few more minutes, Lord."

"I should fucking hope so, my arm is cramping." He didn't dare let said arm drop, though. He'd waited too long to ruin this by letting his resolve flag.

"You think ours aren't, Lord? Just sit tight."

"How dare you order a King around." He couldn't resort to his usual means of emphasis, namingly screaming at the top of his lungs. He sounded like a sulking child, which wasn't all that much a stretch.

"The day you can sit patiently for more than a few minutes a stretch, my Lord, is the day I stop ordering you about."
The king didn't have a riposte for that, so he settled for as strong a glare as he dared.

The last grains of sand trickled down an hourglass with a dying hiss of friction.

"Aaand we're done!" The triumphant photographer slid the shutter down. As if released from a spell everyone sighed explosively and dropped their arms. A sword clattered to the ground as numb fingers lost their grip. No one noticed.

"Christ Al-MIGHTY." The deacon cringed a little, but even he had gotten used to the king's befouled dock urchin tongue. "How's it look?"

"Well, it won't look like anything for a while, my Lord. The plate needs to be developed first-it'll take a few hour's work. By your leave?"

"Sure, go, go." The king waved him away, lazily and utterly undignified. The photographer picked up the camera, little more than a wooden box with a lens and shutter, and excitedly scampered off.

>>51606423
Hey there, I remember you previous thread that you questioned about my story >>51547891

So I got it finish and now that you're here, what you think?

>>51606588
Nothing a good editor pass wouldn't fix. I wouldn't mind hearing more.

That's all I can say. It's too late at night for me to be critiquing anything.

File: human trooper meeting elf.png (129KB, 1051x759px) Image search: [Google]

129KB, 1051x759px

NOTE: Despite the image being 40K fanart, this is NOT a 40K story

>TV and Radio Broadcasts in the human lands are interrupted for a special news update

"We interrupt this broadcast for special news bulletin."

The news screen now shows a politician or a leader of the human government(s)

"Greetings citizens this is Councilman Besir Darsalia speaking. About one month and three weeks ago a new continent beyond the Eastern Seas has been discovered; which is named 'Fleamides', and is inhabited by a magical race of intelligent humanoid beings known as 'Elves'.

And during that time we have sent an expeditionary force to the land of Fleamides to explore and make contact with any possible inhabitants. And so we did, now I know many of you citizens are concerned and are aware of the fact that many of the soldiers who have been sent for that expedition have not returned and are now residing in Fleamides as they have chosen to stay and be betrothed to their new found elven spouses. Keep an open mind citizens, negotiations are still in effect about the concerning matter.

And leaders of the military and armed forces; such as General Floriza Kastrati, Archjusticar Chotho Salvianus, and Imperator Lucius Antonius, and many more are disscussing with the elven nation in terms of not only diplomacy, but for also the concerning issues with your brave sons and daughters who have ventured out into Fleamides.

Remember keep an open, we can always use more allies for our continent, our coutry and other bordering allies. And being allies with a race of avid spellcasters such as those of Fleamides is potentially beneficial for us. The last we need is a heated out war, which we've already been in one against the Dwarven Race. We do not need more long drawn out conflicts anytime sooner.

So remember to tune in for updates citizens, this is Besir Darsalia. And may the land of Jocreica prosper."

>>51607190
A day later after the news of an expeditionary force meeting up with a new found elven land. Regular TV and Radio broadcasts for the human nation of Jocreica have once again been interrupted for a special news announcement

"We interrupt this regularly scheduled program for an urgent announcement from the Government of Jocreica." A voice announced the news broadcast interruption. As a human government leader is then seen on the screen, or heard from radio broadcasts

"Greetings citizens of Jocreica, this is Chancellor Ocario Golovkin speaking. And I'am here to both address one of the most pressing issues of this time and introduce to you all a special guest.

First of I would like to inform our concerned citizens about the current state of the many young men and women military personnel who are now residing in the elven nation of Fleamides. Those military presonnel; your brave sons and daughters are fine and doing well, they have chosen to stay behind. You see; people of Jocreica, the elves have seen your brave sons and daughters as not personal toys to be played with, but as something more than that. Do not think nor despair that your children have become slaves, but they have become a symbol of new found relations.

I will show proof that its true, I will now read a letter written by one of the many troops who've ventured to Fleamides, one which is written by Austin Bragg to his family; Yasmine and Jerry Bragg."

The news screen broadcasts shows a written letter which has highly visible handwriting and a signature which is recognizable to the author's family and associates. Chancellor Golovkin then reads the letter to the masses who are listening and or watching via television.

I'd love to get a little feedback on what I'm working on tonight.

Trying to do a sort of introductory story to my sword and sorcery heroine.

Any feedback is hugely helpful.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P2w3umTbYt3hkTErOcs-caoJ8C3WQi3eYBBVB0UBypI/edit?usp=sharing

>>51607420
I'd like to know if people think the nudity comes across as cheesecakey or not, it's not really intended to be.

File: 1485445074410.jpg (504KB, 1280x857px) Image search: [Google]

504KB, 1280x857px

bump to support the OC

>>51607488
Absolutely no idea what cheesecakey is supposed to mean, but it doesn't come off as gratifying or inappropriate. More matter of fact and probably a little too shy of describing in full detail.

At first I started to think it was a bit of a 'mouthful' to read those huge chunks from the slave-master (using my eyes, I know), but the exposition atmosphere paid off, though I would still definitely add some sort of monologue break to put in tone or accent or more gestures in between three nonstop sentences of speech. To be clear, you did make a point of suggesting the character is taking his time with his cleverly rehearsed speech, and pointed to it with moments of [Pause for Dramatic Effect], but otherwise the speech appears more exhausting and out of breath, at least it does to me, like he says it all in one go without stopping for anything.

The ending really messed with me. At first I'm thinking "That's it? Seems extremely anti-climactic.", then weighing that with the usual practice from /tg/, never passing up an opportunity to exaggerate and play more grandiose prose, and I realized the ending itself was fine even if it was short and simple, but the story itself left me wanting more. Who is this special girl, what's her name and what sort of culture does she come from that develops their women to be strong and independent from a young age?

In summary, good shit, most of my issue comes from wanting to read more.

>>51608417
>Absolutely no idea what cheesecakey is supposed to mean
Cheesecake = child porn. He is basically asking if it's not offending our delicate, anti-sexualization-of-minors sensibilities.

>>51607420
I do like the style a lot, it's a lot more mature and polished than what I usually see around here. It's very tasteful: actually, as the other guy pointed out, maybe considering the situation (the slave pen), being a little more vulgar might even be in order, including the really distasteful things, like the shameless exploitation of very young girls, it almost feels a little too elegant and tasteful for the scenario.

That said, my only worry is that the heroine herself does not sound very interesting. Super-bad-ass purple-haired women with animal teeth sounds a bit... well, almost fan-fictionally. It kinda clashes with the elegant and polished language too. But then again, this might be a matter of her not really being introduced as an actual character at all, and it may change. That said, I'd still perhaps recommend considering changing the hair color: purple just gives off the impression of a cheap anime trope, which really does not do justice the mature tone of the language.

Hi.

I wrote a book.

Here you go.

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Story:Holy_Opposites

>>51606063
http://www.gunsandammo.com/blogs/history-books/russias-winchester-model-1895/

Color me intrigued. I didn't think they existed.

>>51609517
Yeah, and?

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Stranded_in_fantasy

File: freelancers___camp_site_.jpg (349KB, 1200x675px) Image search: [Google]

349KB, 1200x675px

So, I was rooting around on dA earlier and I found some pics that interested me very much.

But, while the idea would make for a good premise, I can't think of an actual plot for it (I mean, it's early days yet, I only had the idea earlier this morning).

The premise is, so far, that the characters are basically a band of adventurers/mercenaries from all across the civilized world (barring the Americas) set roughly during the High Middle Ages.

Pic related.

Anyone have any thoughts?

>>51607239
You....uh...you may want to go over this with a good syntax checker.

The story, or start thereof, is good. It needs tweaks and some fixes, though.

>>51587521
It's supposed to be chapter one. it's a bit short for that, I think, but hopefully it sets the stage.

I'll post chapter 2 eventually.

>>51608617
I swore that shit was called cheese pizza, not cheesecake. I thought he meant "too cheesy, flamboyant, or unnecessary."

Don't you fucking ruin cheesecake for me, you sunovabitch.

>>51608417
Thanks for all the feedback!

Not an ending yet, just not finished! I'd come to that point and was trying to decide whether it was utter shit and worth continuing or not.

>>51608771
Thanks as well. I'll go over the descriptions of the nudity and such, make it a little more vulgar and more grim.

Yes, I totally see the anime angle. The hair colour is from her name, she's named after the Protea flower of the same colour. It's meant to be more freakish than superheroine-ey, so I'll try to describe it differently.

>>51610844
Cheesecake means like fanservicey, playing to sexualization and cuteness over content.

Your right about dat pizza though, that's child shit

File: yakuza_waifu_2_.jpg (468KB, 904x1267px) Image search: [Google]

468KB, 904x1267px

>>51610844
Yeah, I've never heard cheesecake used to refer to CP either. Like, I thought cheesecake was (aside from a delicious dessert) material that is merely titillating, not explicitly pornographic.

Like pic related.

>>51611209
Instead of simply "more vulgar", try aiming for what slave traders would emphasize more. The first episode or so of "roots", the Molasses song from "1776", and some of Ben-Hur (both original and remake) had great slave trader lines.

Unless you meant "reader description" instead of "described by slave trader", in which case just ignore me.

Recently put into the Imperial Guard, I had no idea what grotesque and horrid things I was about to see. The battle had been raging for months, and our numbers were dwindling against the traitors of our fine Imperium.

We got the order: Go check on the building where we lost contact of an Astartes squad. Really? If Astartes, the Emperor's Chosen, can't survive whatever thing is in there, how are us Guardsman going to? Orders are orders I suppose, and at least they gave us a Commissar. Always good to have a true faithful to The God-Emperor among us.

We breach the door, lasguns at the ready. We stopped. Dead Astartes everywhere, these Salamanders stood no chance against what they were facing in here. The smell of burning flesh and battle everywhere, the grey walls covered in the red blood of the Space Marines that had died.

"Contact! Fight in the name of the Emperor damn you!" Our Commissar yelled. My brothers shooting at everything that moves. One of them panicked and attempted to run, quickly put down with a bolt pistol to the head. A large shadow fell upon me, and knocked me over. I gain my bearings and see my lasgun 5 meters away from me. The thing that knocked me over was a traitor Marine, covered in a motley of bright and strong colors, yelling something that I couldn't understand.

I looked around for anything I could use, if I don't fight back I am dead. I see one of the dead Astartes chainswords right next to me. I have no idea how to use it, but I better learn fast. I pick it up, and my intuition gives me an idea how to activate it. The chainsword roars as it clashes against the traitors knife. He screams again.

How am I still standing without broken bones, how am I standing up to this bastardization of the Emperor's vision? None of this matters now. I am dueling against a Space Marine. I duck and dodge around his strikes, there's no way I can win against him with a full-on assault.

Continue?

File: 1458825688466.jpg (189KB, 756x1056px) Image search: [Google]

189KB, 756x1056px

>>51611468
more

>>51611838
Ok. This is all on the spot writing. I don't do very well when it's planned out.

>>51611468
I noticed the twisted helmet. A stray bolter round must have cleaved a part of it off, the wretched flesh showing half of his face. That was my target, but I couldn't reach that high.

I came up with a plan, I dodged right on one of his crazed swings. I saw my opening and slashed my new weapon into his knee, tearing the armor away and the traitor to his knees. The Emperor was with me that day. I then took my own knife and jabbed it into the Marine's eye, blood gushing forth. I was unaware of the battle going on around me in the building. All but two of my brothers dead, Commissar included. I say that we must retreat and regroup with a new unit, my brothers follow my new leadership. We rejoin a squad of Guardsman, and take victory from those traitors dead hands.

I am now Lord General Davius Tren, and that was my first battle in The Name of The Emperor.

>>51608771
>>51608417

Reworked, and polished up to a proper story.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P2w3umTbYt3hkTErOcs-caoJ8C3WQi3eYBBVB0UBypI/edit?usp=sharing

>>51607239
And so the Chancellor begins reading the letter.

"'Dear Mother and Father, I know you must be worried sick that I haven't returned from my tour. But dont worry ma and pa. I haven't been kidnapped, tortured, nor violated in grievous ways, I'am actually living happy here in Fleamides with my lovely maiden: Martainn Norleth.

Martainn is a lovely elven woman who you'll be glad I met and be in love with, she's just as sweet, wonderful and caring as any human woman and she works as some elven equivalent of an accountant, so she's also got a good job. You'll love her when you meet her once travel to Fleamides becomes a reality, the people of Fleamides are really generous hospitable when we arrived and became good friends with us.

Ma, Pa I swear I'am alright and you'll know this is my hand writin' and I even got me signature in it. Just three weeks after deciding to move in with my sweet Martainn and already I'am feeling happy and joyful to have a loving and caring woman in my life.

Once travel and immigration to Fleamides is real, Me and Martainn invite you over her home, to get to know each other better. Hope to see you see you both soon Ma and Pa.

Sincerely your son. Austin Bragg.'"

Chancellor Golovkin sets aside the letter and talks to the masses again

"There is plenty more of letters like that from the young men and women who stayed in Fleamides. But that's not what I'am going to be discussing about right now, however to all the families who's sons and or daughters have served in the military and sent to Fleamides, you will receive letters from your loved ones.

That; we the government and the Elven Leaders of Fleamides assure of, you will all receive them within the day."

>>51613302
Then in the TV broadcasts, Chancellor Golovkin looks to his side and nods to a person he is talking to.

"Now for the second reason why I'am speaking to you all, citizens of Jocrecia. It is time to meet one of the rulers of Fleamides; High Lord Elion Eillen."

The screen switches to a regal and sophisticated looking male elf who is High Lord Elion Eillen as he began speaking to the camera facing him.

"Greetings, humans of Jocreica. I'am High Lord Elion Eillen. I do not however rule Fleamides alone I have my sister; Thessalia, who rules along side me, she however is not available for this 'broadcast' unfortunately for she has other matters to attend to.

Now you must be all wondering about the many young men and women you have sent off to our nation. Do not worry though, they all fine and well for your sons and daughters have given our people great joy, and even sweet love.

I understand that many of you people that I'am supposedly speaking through this 'camera' are concerned parents. Again I will emphasize that your sons and daughters have stayed here willingly and helped give joy to some of our people to which we thank of thee.

Do not worry you'll meet your children again once negotiations and other complicated matters are settled. And I confidently speak for my sister; Thessalia, and the elven people of Fleamides that we will have a prosperous and peaceful alliance in the many, many, many years to come.

However this is all the available time I can spare, and if I'am speaking to the people of Jocreica through this camera and broadcast as what you call it. Then it has been a pleasure speaking and addressing to you all."

I'am High Lord Elion Eillen and farewell, may our species peacefully co-exist."

The screen fades back to Chancellor Golovkin once Elion Eillen is done speaking.

>>51611838
>alas, poor yorick
>but I knew him, horatio

>>51612953
Love the nudity, She sounds cool looking, would like to see art of her

File: 9.jpg (41KB, 736x460px) Image search: [Google]

41KB, 736x460px

>>51618848
Isn't this just a ripoff of that famous shot from District 9?

>>51612953
Apologies, I tend to visit storythread earnestly, start giving feedback where asked, then disappear for a couple of days absent mindedly.

New draft is pretty great. Feels a lot more fleshed out properly. I definitely appreciate the sense of ideas inferred and silent communication, like with the looks and smiles and so on throughout the crowd.

The ending was a bit jarring, and I can't put my finger on it. Not being formally educated in literature, I don't know how to explain. Best I can say is that from the beginning, the reader is very obviously made to understand they are a free-form observer in the story, particularly because they are told about facts about the slave-master and his plants when nobody says or indicates anything about them, despite the fact we aren't reading from the Slave-Masters point of view. We understand this, but the ending seems to conflict with that. The reader is presented with an ending that only works to surprise because our perspective has suddenly been abandoned to provide sensory deprivation.

The ending isn't bad. I do like the "oh shit, she did what you said she didn't do, your guards are dead and she gon gitted, ya big dummy" or simply "aww shit, nigguh". I like it, even though, again, it's remarkably short winded, but I feel ultimately it conflicts with the perspective and atmosphere, like we're also the ones being tricked.

Does that make sense? Maybe my sole critique of it isn't enough to change anything though. Keep writing!

File: dragon.jpg (274KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

274KB, 1920x1080px

Oh shit, I forgot to mention: >>51586171 is the new intro to that dragon book I've been writing since fucking forever ago.

Some people in this thread were following that, so if you're interested check it out.

>>51624639
I feel the ending may be a little jarring because of the switch In viewpoint from very removed third person to tight third person on the buyer. We're 'with' him for the last few paragraphs. Maybe I need to work on it a little more to make it more fluid.

>>51613455
"That is all for the updates regarding the current matters. Until then this is Chanellor Ocario Golovkin and stay tuned for future updates, you will meet your sons and daughters again.

May the land of Jocreica prosper."
...Well thats the end ladies and gentlemen, leaving it as open ended and up to your own interpretation.

>>51582305

Try and introduce a character who has a reason not to know these things. Are they from another country, where things are different? They don't even need to live so far away - what's relevant in one region of a country might not in another. A farmer would know all sorts of things a priest from a sheltered enclave would not, and vice versa.

You can also play with the meta-narrative. Add quotes from books and newspapers, poems and letters to chapter headings.

Make plenty of mentions and references, so readers know what to expect. If magic works in your world with mirrors, you don't need two pages of magical theory on it. Just show people using magic and mention the mirrors, the care they are set with, etc. The first time one breaks, or doesn't catch the sunlight at the right angle, readers are going to know something is wrong.

>>51610531

War's always a good place to start. Maybe a new resource has been found, and everyone squabbling over it.

>>51629116
Er, did you see the bit about when I want to set this?

What kind of new resource would they have then?

>>51626714
I HAVE to write something on this.

Bump for now, work starts in 5 minutes.

God, I hope this thread is still up in 9 hours.

>>51629133

The same resources we've been fighting over for forever. You need to narrow your focus a bit. Do you want a globe-spanning adventure or something more limited to one area?

>>51629292
Well, I'm not entirely sure. Considering that I'm planning for there to be some characters from the Far East, I'd say that the scope would cover Europe and most of Asia at least.

Although they won't be able to cover much of it, considering the fastest way of travelling across land is via horse at this point in time.

>>51629333

You could go in any direction, really. Maybe someone has just invented the printing press, or discovered a pass through previously inaccessible mountains. Maybe a new religion is starting up and making all the established ones nervous, or a region has cast off their nobility system to experiment with something else, and this band of adventures has to decide whether or not they're going to hang around and see what they can get out of the shakeup or split for somewhere else.

>>51629425
Mm, maybe. I certainly see them as following their work, you might have something with the printing press being invented or whatever.

Finding something that'd justify there being a lot of work for people like this and not shutting out any of the characters from certain places (like if I want to have a European feudal knight rubbing shoulders with a samurai, for instance) is going to be the hard part.

>>51629467

There's always work for mercenaries. If a region has a lot of warring city-states, a local lord could have more power than a distant king and try to take more than he's owed - "that fat bastard is 2,000
miles away. Why shouldn't I take a little land over the river boundary?"

>>51629333
If you really want to set your story in real-world settings, then the most logical choice seems to me to be real-world historical event as a backdrop. To be perfectly honest, I did not really understand what exact historical period and region you want to focus on (high middle ages does not really say all that much...), but I guess I'd start looking into specific historical events within your target time frame and region and pick something that captures your imagination.
Say, for an example: the fall of Constantinopol. Interesting, highly ecclectic environment on the crossroad of four different cultural spheres (Western Europe, Middle East, Byzantinium, India and Far East), trapped in a highly volatile times. You could have your adventures accompaning some great greek scholar smuggling some priceless antique books out of the city before the Turk arrive.
Or you could look into, say, the Hussite uprising in central Europe: the Chilliasts and apocalyptic movements, the crusades and all that shit.
Or maybe the albigensian, Bogomils, the Catharism heresy.
There are so many possible interesting subjects to tackle, historically speaking, that you can use as a backdrop or leap-off point for your story.
You'll just need to do some research though. How much of it, that depends on how much grounded your story do you want to have.

>>51629531
>To be perfectly honest, I did not really understand what exact historical period and region you want to focus on
Neither do I, and you're probably right with trying to focus on historical events. I had first planned to have it be shortly after the end of the First Crusade, with the party going to the Holy Land, partly to seek employment and partly on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Then I looked up the dates and decided that, as Feudalism in Europe was only just getting started then (I think), it was too early.

Now I'm trying to think of another good event to pick, the Fall of Constantinople is a good one, definitely. Need to try and decide who I want the cast to be first of all.

In answer to "how grounded do I want it to be", as much as possible would be good.

>>51629639
>I had first planned to have it be shortly after the end of the First Crusade, with the party going to the Holy Land, partly to seek employment and partly on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Then I looked up the dates and decided that, as Feudalism in Europe was only just getting started then (I think), it was too early.
Figures that I'd say that and then find out that feudalism in Europe had been going for nearly 400 years by that point.

Maybe I will go with that idea, then.

>>51629639
>Need to try and decide who I want the cast to be first of all.
Well, without wanting to push towards specific direction, as a reader I can tell you that the Crusades for the Holy Land are generally quite overplayed and boring. Their only bigger advantage would probably be the once again rather ecclectic nature of the environment, but you can really find that across the entire history middle east/eastern Europe. Also: first crusade was not exactly an era of mecrenaries and adventurers to begin with.
Personally I always found the histories of eastern europe, middle east and central asia both fascinating and not sufficiently explored at all, so I would direct you there. The history of Armenians is another example of entirely unexplored, quite fascinating piece of history. You don't really even need to root your story in big historical events like the Fall of Constantinople, you can just say, open Wiki of Armenian history and find some suitable small, local conflict.

>In answer to "how grounded do I want it to be", as much as possible would be good.
Then you are going to do a LOT of research then. Historical accuracy is frankly a BITCH to pull off. I'd generally advise towards more of a fleeting relationship to real history, if for nothing else, than to avoid the inevitable onslaught of history buffs tearing your work apart because you describe the clothes wrong, or accidentally leave in some anachronisms in and shit like that.

>>51629877
>Historical accuracy is frankly a BITCH to pull off.
Hrm, you might have a point there. I would like to try and get their attitudes as realistic as possible though, if only because that could be a good source of drama for the story.

Working on a campaign with a Metal Gear-based story where a North Korean spy steals plans from the US for a nuclear capable spider mech. Looking mostly for inspiration as well as a system I should use.

File: operation_highjump_.jpg (659KB, 887x1200px) Image search: [Google]

659KB, 887x1200px

>>51630235
You mean it's nuclear-powered or uses nuclear weapons?

Pic unrelated.

File: 8813e09fa920b6facb3265b95d6b783f.gif (18KB, 400x350px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 400x350px

>>51630329
Nuclear weapons, similar to Metal Gear Rex.

>>51626714
>>51629238

"TO PORT, HELMSMAN! AFT CANNONS, MAKE READY! MEN AT ARMS, TAKE COVER AND PREPARE TO REPEL BOARDING PARTIES! THIS SHIP WILL NOT BE TAKEN!" the captain bellowed. Blood boiled, hearts quickened, and with singular purpose did the crew swiftly carry out his commands.

This was no bandit raid, as was plain to see. The trailing vessel, /Last Atonement/ stenciled on her bow, was a known mercenary ship. Her captain only took contracts from the highest of bidders; her crew renowned for taking minimal casualties in hostile, and brutal, missions. She was, simply, the best that money could buy. Aileene knew this because she had tried to buy that very ship's protection.

Scant weeks ago, she failed in signing the /Atonement/ for her divine quest. Had Aileene known the true cost the captain demanded for safe passage, she would never have entertained the idea.

"I should have found a merchant," she mused. Hindsight, as they say, is perfect, and currently Aileene utilized that perfect vision to count exactly the number of ways she was imperfect.

The lead that /Eye of Belonging/ had over /Atonement/ continued to shrink as both captains shouted orders. Captain Larfall prayed to the gods that the /Eye/ would be granted the time to make ready that she needed, Aileene prayed to her god that she not be taken alive, and Captain Spreet ensured his crew prayed to be spared his lash.

The die was cast.

>>51634196
sorry I have to bail here until likely much later. Lunch is over, and the wife demands things for her birthday when I get home. I will gladly take critiques for what I posted, though.

File: 1486511291938.png (449KB, 600x829px) Image search: [Google]

449KB, 600x829px

>>51541521

Three slow knocks sounded on the door and John Cooper slowly opened it. “Doctor, thank the Masons you’ve come!” The young man stepped back and a man dressed in a long black coat, black trousers, black boots, and a black wide-brimmed hat entered. He grabbed the brim of his hat with a black glove in greeting, passing his walking stick to his other hand which also held a large black doctor’s bag.
“My wife, she’s been sick for three days.” John explained. “I thought about calling a physician but they are just so expensive, and with my children and her in bed I-.” He stopped as the doctor held up a hand to quiet him.
“Symptoms?” the doctor asked, voice monotonic and calm, slightly muffled by the white leather mask that covered his face.
“Uh, uh, fever, cough, headaches, raw throat.” John counted on his fingers as the doctor listened calmly. “That’s about all.”
“May I see her?” the doctor asked, tilting his head slightly to the left.
“O-of course, right this way!” John led him through the wooden shack past a small stone oven and a crudely shaped wooden table to a curtained off opening. Coughs could be heard inside. John pushed them aside and a young woman lay groaning in bed, sweat beading clearly on her forehead. “Madeline, a doctor’s here to see you.”
“Doctor? All I see… is a giant… bird…” Madeline rasped out between coughs. The doctor moved up to the bed, removing his hat from his hooded head and placing it on a chair. He used his walking stick to gently pull back the covers, revealing sweating skin beneath a simple cotton dress. Using his stick he delicately moved her arms and her head, examining her before using a hand to gently pull down the skin beneath her eye socket. Her eyes were red and tearing.

The doctor nodded and replaced the tattered blanket before opening his bag. John paled as the man pulled out a large bone saw in a leather sheath but relaxed when it was exchanged for two small bottles and a large glass jar. The bottles were filled with amber liquid while the jar was clearly water. He handed them to John.
“Two doses a day, five drops. Mix them with a small cup of this water.” His hands went back into his bag and he pulled out a small metal cup.
“Will she live doctor?” John asked, struggling to remember the instructions.
“Symptoms will disappear in five days. If not, continue dosage until gone. If symptoms are still present, contact a mortician. Good day.” The doctor grabbed his hat, bag, and walking stick before nodding politely to the couple and exiting the house. Putting on his hat, he examined the muddy street and barely standing hovels of Addacore’s slums.

I return from my exile and shall shortly continue work on the fourth part of the second chapter of the Cormyr Archive!

Is there any way to write a blow job in a non-adult story that doesn't just sound ridiculous?

How do you word it? Very difficult to describe or feature without it just sounding stupid, or like pg-13 porn.

>>51645802
>How do you word it? Very difficult to describe or feature without it just sounding stupid, or like pg-13 porn.
Hmmm, that actually sounds like a fun challenge. I think I'll try my hand it in in a while. Though the most conventional answer would be that you don't really need to describe it, just merely state that it happened.
By the way, if you want an inspiration for good, tasteful descriptions of erotic scenes, I don't know any author better than John Fowles. His love-scens in Magus are by far the best piece of tasteful, mature literary erotica I've ever read. Fowles is a pretty famous author, so it should not be a problem to pick up his books from any library or online store.

File: The_Horok_Castle.jpg (75KB, 1000x400px) Image search: [Google]

75KB, 1000x400px

In olden times, magic was but a foolish superstition held by the feeble minded, a narrative tool used by tricksters and other manipulators to make themselves seem greater than they were. And thus, a hundred cycles of Creation, Destruction and Salvation passed without magic and without change. This we call the Age of Equilibrium

Then, at the end of one such cycle - or at the beginning? who can tell where a circle begins and ends other than its creator... - Salvation left a crack in the fabric of the world. But what could exist beyond the world itself? Beyond all of existence? Nothing existed outside the world, and through the cracks, Nothing entered the world to become part of it. Through Nothing, came change. The first Fading ravaged that cycle and only through Salvation was it halted. Halted, not undone, for every cycle saw Nothing return and Fading taking place. What Salvation returned from the Fading, came back changed, perverted. Lands had their lakes replaced with acid sludge, mountains grew above the clouds and into Heaven itself, trees grew leaves on their roots... This we call the Age of Entropy.

Then came the Dark Ones, who returned as grotesque parodies of Men, with their flesh growing beyond its skin. Covered in robes of black to hide their shame, they were the first to teach Mankind the art of commanding the body beyond its natural limits, how to focus flesh, bone and blood into vile supernatural power. Thus, the Dark Arts came into being, and magic was a myth no more.

But alas, to use the Dark Arts means to succumb to them. With every spell extorted from their own bodies, more cancerous growths spouted from the skin of these dark magi. Slowly, they were consumed by a mindless hunger for flesh, human flesh, until they collapsed under the weight of their pitch black tumors. This we call the Dark Age.

(1/2)

File: tumblr_o13zbibTGa1u2ql5po1_1280.jpg (816KB, 1155x1725px) Image search: [Google]

816KB, 1155x1725px

>>51651013

The Dark Arts and those who practiced them were shunned, and the Order was formed, dedicated to purging the world of all dark magi - "sinners", who adored the flesh and its powers. The Order sought to ascend from the prison of the flesh, to leave behind their bodies and attain true personhood as beings of Soul and Soul alone. From their endeavors, the Holy Arts were born - the art of letting one's Soul travel outside the boundaries of its body to shape reality and see the unseen.

But every Soul still needs its body to remain complete. As the acolytes of the Order ascended and their Holy prowess grew, their bodies withered and decayed from neglect. Soon, they haunted their sacred halls as hollow spectres, wielding potent spells but devoid of any other memory. As time passed, the spectres lost their human shapes, turned into will'o'wisps and faded away from existence, taking their secrets with them. This we call the Lost Age, as many great Holy miracles were created by these first acolytes, but lost when they faded away with their knowledge unrecorded.

Now, Nothing is gnawing at the world once more, and with it the ancient magic arts have resurged. They say our Savior shall reveal her face to us soon, and usher in a new cycle. They say she is on her way to Hyldholm, to slay a terrible beast that has ravaged that kingdom. May her aim be true and her sword arm be steady.

(2/2)

r8 pls

>>51651839
I remember what that's from.

>>51609947
I mean I just wrote it. I put it up on the wiki over the last few days.

File: 54th.jpg (14KB, 173x154px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 173x154px

My reply to a post about most brutal things done to your Players. Guess it turned into a story:

I manipulated my Players to enact an in-game party-purge without their (As Players and PCs) knowledge.

Backdrop: 3.5E Eberron. High-Power launch due to initial Player wanting to be a Red Dragon. The Wyrmling in Hero Lab was ECL11; the seed became 11. Player, hereafter referred to as Red Dragon brought in two friends who were also PF Vets into my 3.5E campaign. One was a Rogue because I was not familiar with PF Ninja and 3.5E Ninja didn't fit the mood. Other was a Cleric again because I was not familiar with PF Alchemist and I asked both to choose classes I was familiar with.

Played at Fort Riley's MWR (Rec Center) in public setting within a conference room with projector. People could see us play because I mapped everything in PowerPoint on the screen. Other off-duty Soldiers came in who were curious and I happily started rolling them up. Used WBL to bring everyone up and I researched my CR11 & up roster of opponents.

Initial Players were MurderHobos I came to discover as the Cleric came to the forefront in personality and action. Newcomer Players were naive Adventurers. The Perfect Storm, and they stuck to their own groups -the Veteran Team Dragon, and the newcomer Shark Team Six (one of the newcomers first actions was to resort to being towed by sharks befriended by the Druid when their boat sank during an insertion into Thrane).

Newcomers resented Team Dragon overshadowing them and controlling narrative as I coached them to proficiency. I started rolling extra sessions with them in the rec center to teach them mechanics, particularly spellcasting and how at higher levels, casters did not rely on dice rolls to succeed.

Good fight; half the PCs were downed by the time the last devil fell. The Druid was the only one left with double digit HP whilst the Bard was CLW/CMW wanding the Ranger & Wizard.

Druid was really immersed as a PC. Throughout the campaign his character was more and more shaken, so by the time he hit L12, he was outright paranoid being so far from his home woods.

Team Dragon arrived and settled in; the group had to reunite to proceed to the next sector of Breland that needed rabble-rousing. I continued them as having flown carried by Red Dragon to meet Shark Team Six at the arranged rendezvous... which was at the time an active battlefield that Shark Team Six was busy fighting for their lives in.

*Beat*

This is where I realized I could shake the game up.

Druid was on overwatch, and I narrated the entrance of dark wings approaching from the distance.

I am known for hammering PCs with waves to burn out daily abilities and really give them max value of loot/EXP out of encounters -and I wanted them to hit L20 someday. This group of newcomers learned spellcasting/per day abilities in reverse. They learned to love their caltrops, flour, pitons, rope, and 10' poles as much as the enhancement bonuses on their gear.

Someone on Shark Team Six did not understand that I was narrating Team MurderHobo to them. I like flow in my games, so everything, every success, every failure, some mundane details, are story.

Part Three

Druid Player asked me for their altitude. He grunted when I gave him an arbitrary figure- above three hundred feet (Team Dragon had climbed to avoid wand-fire and never announced a descent -I assumed this was their cruising height) and said he was readying a spell, rummaging through his remaining prepared slots, asking me to tell him when the straight-line distance between them cross some figure near two-twenty feet. Team Dragon were discussing amongst themselves about a second run at the financial institution, like raiding the nearest banking guild's villa and carving out those Dragonmarks out if they had to.

The Cleric was specced for Negative Energy and was very good at it; they were all banged up from the heist -even the Wyrmling Red Dragon took hits as the getaway flyer. Ocean's Three they were. Tell us when we get there, they told me, and I said yes, so they began descending.

Druid didn't hear over the Ranger exclaiming "Not these jackasses again!"

I could have stepped in then. Clarified the situation.

But no, I fell into the abyss instead as the DM and let the madness roll.

"I target the demon-thing with Earthbind," called out the Druid.

"Demons?" the Red Dragon commented. "You've had them fighting Demons? Without us?"

I looked down at my screen and signed away my soul then as a DM.

I referenced the Red Dragon's sheet and told the Druid that the demon had SR. He made the roll.

I asked the Red Dragon to make a Fortitude Save, stating a spell targeting him had just overcome his SR. He failed, and asked, where the demon was so he could get in on the action.

"Oh my God," the Wizard muttered, understanding what was happening and staring me down to intervene.

I failed my conscience roll.

"The Druid has stripped your ability to fly with Earthbind," I informed the Red Dragon.

"Why is he attacking us?" the Cleric asked flustered.

The Rogue was as confused as the Bard and the Ranger. The Druid was stunned, realizing he might have just targeted a friendly. The Barbarian just walked in from the bathroom and into a fog of tension that filled the conference room.

Earthbind feather falls a target. The Druid wanted an anti-air option to bring flying enemies down to ground and I suggested it to him. From his shock, I knew that didn't get that part -another failure on my part.

And neither did Team Dragon.

It was on my tongue... the feather fall part.

"I'm taking you with me!" the Red Dragon declared, called a charge attack as he "fell". "Eighteen!"

Ironically, he asked me if he needed a fly check instead. Poker-faced, I replied, "you beat his AC," evading the complicit misunderstanding.

The Rogue asked the Cleric to do something, not me. The Cleric measured his slots perfectly for the heist, prepping exactly the needed Teleport and Plane Shift spells.

I muttered a prayer to some Dark God. I only heard laughter inside my head in reply.

I couldn't punish my unwitting Druid for my sins. So his animal companion, Nicki the Anaconda under my control, did so instead and pushed him away before the declared impact. As the Druid protested, I coldly told him, "roll 20D6 for falling damage." I called around the table for the players to start pooling dice.

Pandemonium. All in my hands to retcon and fiat away. Nah!

I paused the game then, and with it, closed the lid on coffin; four of them to be precise.

I had to separate them from the stunned Druid Player.

The Finale

"We're going to re-roll!" the Rogue Player told me. "You want a counter-campaign, you're going to get it now." he promised. The Red Dragon had this hurt look on his face. The First Player in this campaign, and I let this happen to him. By a Noob. The Cleric walked him off in disgust. The Rogue followed.

The Druid told them he was sorry as they were leaving. I knew he meant it. "Take it back," he asked me.

The Wizard told me that Earthbind couldn't do that. "I know." I told him. "But even if I told them and made it better, they'd come back just to kill the Druid."

"Why did you let this happen?!" the Wizard accused.

"Because it needed to be done, and by your hands," I told the remaining Players.

I handed the Barbarian twenty bucks to get us some pizza and beer from the bar outside the conference room. "Now," I announced, "we can get back to adventuring."

*beat*

That campaign concluded that night, and I rolled them fresh characters at 2nd level and restarted them as another team in the story, handling lower-level affairs in Sharn while their original PCs went on to do grander things in the backdrop of Khorvaire.

Team Dragon vanished. They weren't missed.

>>51646163
Ended up boiling the scene down to:

Val stood aside to let the Elf girl pass as she headed down the tiny hall to Carn's room. The girl was flush with colour, and her tongue darted out to clean the last trickle of glistening seed from her pale lips.

Val eyed her with a look equal parts contempt, pity, and jealousy, but still turned soon enough that her shoulder jarred the girl painfully as she forced past.

Carn was still putting away his cock as Val entered, and she pretended to examine the ceiling until he was decent.

"You're late, sweetheart." The mercenary muttered, coughing and regaining his composure. Val gave a smirk.

"The last thing I need is to sit here twiddling my thumbs while you get sucked off. We've got business."

>>51547103
Best you guys read this story first.

>1d4chan.org/images/d/de/TheDeclarationOfSurrendependence.png

This write-up will be a sequel to the story above.

***

It has been two fill years since the Elven and Human faction that is the Cedna Accord begun their operation of assimilating Eustran under their governance.

The Cedna Accord comprises of the mystical High Elves and Wood Elves from the ancient land of Chimax. Whereas the Humans of the Cedna Accord are from the continent of the democratically government ruled Briastrin. And on a final note, the faction's name was also named after the Half-Elf Heroine; "Cedna Zylric", which both the elves and humans of Briastrin idolized and canonized as a Hero-Saint who united both people of Chimax and Briastrin under prosperous and peaceful relations and partnerships after defeating a great evil that threatened both lands.

As for the other land in question which is Eustran, the Cedna Accord decided to help spread their influence and the idea of modernizing the world and abolishing other archaic and obsolete ideas. And Eustran was their first ambition in helping bringing the world to the new era under their guidance, however the monarchy and nobility of Eustran refused any form of partnership or work along the Cedna Accord. Even though the Cedna Accord offered benefits and partnership deals involving economic and political.

But even with peaceful envoys and offers the royalty of Eustran and its former empress, still refused and even declared war against the Accord. However that proved to big mistake for the nobility and royalty of Eustran as The Cedna Accord destroyed most of Eustran's military and Noble Houses. It was due to the elves being more powerful and masterful magic users, and the people of Briastrin being technologically advanced and being in the industrial age compared to many countries throughout the currently known world.

>to be continued

>>51659443
And after the treaty with one Eustran Great House that has surrendered to the Accord, which is House Bannister. The Cedna Accord was able to set a firm foothold on the nation and has brought essentially ninety-percent of it under their official rule and only but a few defiant "Noble Houses" still refuse to submit. But the Cedna Accord was not rushing and did not bother sending in the firepower of the Briastrinian weaponry against them and instead let politics and time do the Accord's bidding on Eustran.

As of now most of Eustran has abolished the Monarchy style of rule and governance and the Cedna Accord's democratic style of government is still being implemented.

The first democratically elected official of Eustran was Tedwin Bannister who brokered the treaty with the Accord to help spare Eustran anymore conflict. While also acting as the Governer of the new "Bannister State." His actions earned the scorn of the surviving original nobility of Eustran, but the small folk have actually supported Governer Bannister to save face and avoid further conflict. Even if it meant having to live under the rule of the Cedna Accord, so long as it spared them the horrors of war.

Finally one of the most recent activities and operations is fostering the children of the former empress and once supreme ruler of Eustan; Dannya Faulkner, her children, Ethelhild "Ethel" Faulkner and Weland Faulkner.

>to be continued

>>51667238
What struck Kells first was not the color of her eyes, nor that of her hair, but the way she carried herself. Her gait, the geometry of her spine, the way her gaze swept through a room. The way her eyes dismissed that which she saw as lesser, as unworthy. She seemed to him the sort of person who never walked anywhere, but always advanced towards a destination. The way her legs devoured the intervening distance between the two of them, each step startlingly large for her small frame. How the muted clack of her hard-soled boots on the stone floor added a sense of finality to her persona, a feeling of irrevocable determination that others may strive to emulate, but never achieve. Ash clung to the hem of her pants, the midnight black wool etched with grey flakes in a parody of the flames from whence they had come. As she neared, details sprung to attention. The indefatigable set of her jaw, clenched so hard his own teeth could not help but squeal in sympathetic protest. A small iron cross, nestled in the hollow of her neck, its edges flecked with rust the color of stale blood. Finally, her halo, a burning disc of beaten copper, appearing less a token of charity and kindness wrought in spun gold, and more the manifestation of righteous fury, a torus of hatred and wrath rendered in the burning rays of the last sunrise. It must be that, he reasoned. There could be no other explanation.

For her eyes shone like a sunset in hell, and in those fires he glimpsed oblivion.

Kinda short, decided to try for a POV description that tells the reader about the onlooker as well as the observed. Criticism welcome, obviously.

"Well, at least the silence of the observatory is a small comfort, eh?"

"It really isn't, Owein. It really isn't."

Iber gulped for the thousandth time. The wood elf ranger shook silently as he stumbled down the dark corridor. Why couldn't he conjure a mental image of the dungeon? Something about this place was so slightly off. He couldn't stop shaking. Just a nutjob cult. It was just supposed to be a nutjob cult. How were they supposed to know they were raiding a commune of actual powerful casters? It was in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, known only by a few shit smeared peasants who had the not so impressive ability of being more perceptive than their mouthbreather of a lord. Fuck. As he came to think about it, Iber realized that it was the perfect place to be a recluse in. He shuddered.

"Owein?"

"Yes?"

"You remember the way to leave, right?"

"We bailing?"

"Yes, we are. Now tell me, do you remember the fucking way to the FUCKING exit?"

>>51670152

"Uhh," Owein stammered, "I don't- I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE! I DON'T KNOW WH-"

"CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" Iber grunted through his teeth. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he felt the same way. The dungeon had been bathed in darkness ever since they had managed to slay the screeching abomination back in the observatory. It had cost them the other two in their raiding party. Iber didn't want to think about them. He felt like he was in the middle of a gigantic, open room. This was so fucked. They had to leave, now.

"I think... I think this is the way," Owein whispered some way to the right of Iber.

"You think?"

"I feel... I feel like this is the way."

"What the fuck do you mean by that?"

"I just feel... it."

>>51670361

Iber gave a shaky sigh. Something about Owein was off. He could feel it. He took a step back from Owein's voice, and hit the cold stone wall of the corridor. He gave a quick, strangled yelp. "I don't trust you," he muttered.

"What are you talking about?" Owein spat back, his voice distant, "I FEEL it, it's the right way. You've got to trust me."

No. No, Iber thought. Owein brought them here. He brought them to this backwater, convincing them to raid and pillage the fuckwits that peppered the land. He brought them to this place. And now he "felt" that some way was the right way? No. Fuck you, he thought. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. He muttered the words under his breath as he staggered further away from Owein's increasingly distant voice, down the other way.

It was in a couple of hours until Iber hit a dead end. It was long since he had accepted the fact that the dungeon was larger than he initially thought it was. The wall was cracked, and dirt and moss were poking through the ancient stone bricks. As he felt the cool dirt with his hands, a cobblestone dislodged and fell to the ground with a dull thud. Iber jumped. He suddenly felt that Owein had been slowly stalking him the whole time. He whimpered and searched quickly for an opening, anything to go further away from the bastard snake.

And there it was. A cylindrical hole. Perfect fit for his elven body, too. He crawled through the dirt and moss, away from the scourge, He felt this hole was his salvation. It had to be.

>>51670629

It had probably been a day or 2 since he had entered the salvation. His back was trial. He had to endure. Among the shuffling sounds of him crawling through dirt, he thought he could hear the sound of the fucker Owein crawling behind him. He had to endure.

The ending hit him then. He froze. He tried to hold onto the shock, anything to stop the hopelessness and feeling from overwhelming him.

He shuffled to move around, to go back and face the "man" who had led him there. His limbs were stiff.

Iber broke down.

"Please, please... please, please, please, please... please... please, please..."

Nobody heard the tree fall.

>>51659952
>Present day

"-And so Cedna Zylric, hero and saint of the lands of Chimax and Briastrin, united both lands once she has defeated-"

"Eldritch Sorcerer Emhar Volgin, who orchestrated the death of the former elven high chancellor of Chimax: Aldrien Lu'Wien and the former thirty-fourth president of Briastrin: Christopher Perenger. As a way of creating a false flag situation for Braiastrin and Chimax to war against each other."

Said the young girl who is being mentored by an elven mage. The young girl is actually Ethelhild "Ethel" Faulkner, the daughter and youngest child of the now deceased and former empress Dannya Faulkner (who died fighting the Cedna Accord forces in a futile battle). Ethel Faulkner is about six years of age and although everyone knew of the Empress Faulkner's death in battle, Ethel Faulkner was very oblivious of that fact during that time. As Ethel was sheltered and coddled by her own mother and guardians aswell for reasons unknown as of now, but as a part of the treaty agreement done with Tedwin Bannister the two children of Dannya Faulkner will be fostered under the care of the Accord.

And when the Cedna Accord got a hold of the two kids; Ethel and Weland Faulkner, the top brass was quite surprised of how Ethel was very unaware of her mother's death in battle. Again it was unknown as to what was the reason of Ethel not being informed of her mother's death. Asides from her being sheltered and coddled by her mother, according to Tedwin Bannister and Ethel's brother Weland, even Tedwin Bannister never fully understood as to why Ethel never knew despite being a close friend and adviser to Dannya Faulkern. But so it was agreed by both Cednan Officials and Tedwin to tell Ethel of her mother's death, but never mentioning it was the Cedna Accord that had her slain, even Weland Faulkner agreed.

And right now Ethel is in a tutoring session with Cedna Accord Officials; Elven Mage Vulmar Sarsalor, and Captain Bethany Cameron.

>to be continued

>>51658855
If it's a mature story, and it sounds like it is, I'd rather have the blow job in there and see what happens. Sounds like a fun scene

>>51544658
Not that anon, but I do like to write stories too, and your advice is very helpful. Thanks, anon.

File: 1452739375855.jpg (129KB, 750x744px) Image search: [Google]

129KB, 750x744px

>>51679317
Bump with pics

File: 1424317554835.jpg (193KB, 520x465px) Image search: [Google]

193KB, 520x465px

Snakes. IN SPACE

>>51671666
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhEEXj6ae7s

"That is correct!" Vulmar Sarsalor, the elven mage and tutor to Ethel Faulkner said proudly to her recitation earlier, he continued on "...I was about to quiz you on basic history, especially with the Great False Flag Attacks against Briastrin and Chimax... Have you been reading my noted dear Ethel?"

"Hehehe no mister Sarsalor, just read in advance."

"Are you sure you did not peek on my notes? Or did you learn to master basic magical arts and read my mind???" Vulmar Sarsalor playfully asked just to mess around with Ethel in a friendly way.

"But, but I just read other books involving history in the library sir Sarsalor." Ethel pleaded, almost as if she felt persecuted and pleaded for her honesty.

"Well I'm sure Ethel really did do advance reading, which is a good thing to do in your free time. I think we should reward for being this studious and well behaved." Said Bethany Cameron, the military ranking captain who was assigned alongside Vulmar to tutor Ethel.

Bethany Cameron actually used to work as a substitute school teacher as a part time job, till she decided to join the Briastrinian Military to serve as an instructor and even Drill Sergeant. But she also served in the front lines in a few conflicts that Briastrin was involved to which she was promoted to Captain after some hard work. And because of her background as a previous educator, it made her a good choice to pair her with an elven mage to tutor Ethel.

Then Vulmar then spoke to answer Bethany Cameron's propisition. "Why of course Captain Cameron, perhaps a-"

"A RIDE WITH MY FAVORITE UNICORN!" Ethel Faulkner said gleefully with full excitement as Vulmar Sarsalor said;

"Why yes Ethel, you can play with your unicorn, but after you do the quiz that mam Cameron said you'd be doing first."

is it just me, or have the number of pages on the board been reduced?

Also, why is the archive now down to only the last three days?

>>51687704
Then Captain Cameron said in a matter of factly. "Indeed Ethel, you remember about the test I'll be giving you for this day? I gave you two days to review your previous lessons of basic literature, math; which is additions and subtractions. And a bit of reading and history as well."

"Of course miss and Captain Cameron! I studied hard for this long test, because like you said; If I were to become a good leader like you, I should study hard and listen and respect your elders, such as you and sir Sarsalor! I bet my mommy would be proud of me for being a good girl right now! I get to a princess of the Cedna Accord-"

"Elected Official, Ethel." Vulmar Sarsalor corrected Ethel on that.

"Oh, right sir Sarsalor, 'Elected Official' of the Cedna Accord. I bet my mommy will be proud, even though she's gone and is in the spirit world I know she's happy for me... You think she's proud of me mam Cameron?"

Captain Bethany Cameron temporarily froze at that question, not knowing exactly what to say to Ethel. Since she's also aware of the fact that it's the Cedna Accord's fault of Dannya Faulkner's death. She tried to say something but Vulmar Sarsalor quickly spoke up for Captain Cameron.

"Of course you're mother would be glad and happy for you dear Ethel, knowing you are under the care of good people. Even for your brother Weland, she'd be happy for him too."

"Yeah, mommy would be proud!"

Captain Cameron being relieved then spoke again. "Yes indeed. Now lets begin your quiz shall we?" Captain Bethany got a two sheet test paper and placed it down on the table Ethel is using and also gave her a pen.

"Write your name here, choose your answers in this multiple choices, fill in the blanks with the appropriate answers. And just tell us when you are done." Bethany Cameron said as she point on various spaces on the test papers, as Ethel readied her pen to answer her test.

Which will last about an hour.

bump

pity we've reached the image limit. Although the funny thing is Storythreads always turn out to be some of the best art threads on /tg/

>>51688335
After almost an hour of Ethel answering the quiz given by Captain Cameron, she was done as she porduly exclaimed; "FINISH!" While raising the paper up.

"Done already? Hmmmmm, and just ten minutes before the hour ended. Alright, let me and Sir Sarsalor check your answers Ethel."

Both Cameron and Sarsalor begun checking the two-sheet test, the multiple choice one which will be checked Captain Bethany and the other sheet be checked by Vulmar.

"-Correct. Correct. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Correct. Correct. Correct. Wrong. Correct... Wrong- I mean, Correct... Correct!" Bethany Cameron finished the check with glee. "My my Ethel, you are quite the star student."

Vulmar also chimed in as he's done checking the second sheet.

"Indeed. These math answers are also correct, just six mistakes out of eighteen. Pretty good, you really are a girl who studies well."

And Captain Cameron added, "I'd say you get and A-Minus. That means its a good grade and that you have successfully accomplished the test Ethel. You may aswell deserve a treat too."

Ethel Faulkner then squealed in joy, then said out loud: "CAN I HAVE A RIDE WITH MY FAVORITE UNICORN MISTER APPLESAUCE PLEASE!?"

This earned a chuckle from both Captain Bethany Cameron and Vulmar Sarsalor.

"Okay, okay. You can have a ride with him, just let me summon him."

"Yep you earned, and well, class dismissed. Don't forget to study more on Briastrin's history for next week's lessons. And next week we'll also study about the famous elven people of Chimax." Said Captain Cameron.

"I wont mam." Said Ethel assuringly as Vulmar Sarsalor begun channeling magical energy. He walked out of the study room and out to the enclosed fields which is inside the secured compound located in rural Briastrin. Vulmar motioned his hands on a vacant area as magic came out of his palms and lit up the area which he's pointing his arms.

Then with the sound of a horse-like neigh came a unicorn that was conjured.

>>51689500
Honestly, the art is why I started coming around.

I started trying to write something...about 3 threads after being here long enough to realize it wasn't just game's retelling.

>>51689538
"Yes! Mister Applesauce!" Ethel Faulkner squealed in joy.

"Hold on for a minute just have to make sure this IS Mister Applesauce." Vulmar Sarsalor approached the unicorn to see if it is the specific type of unicorn that Ethel knows, which also belongs to her. And after checking its haunch Vulmar confirms it.

"Yes this is Mister Applesauce."

Vulmar announced as the unicorn turned the opposite direction to show its other side. Which also shows a dragon like mark on its haunch, which is the mark and seal of the Faulkner Royal Family, thus also means it is the specific unicorn belonging to Ethel.

"Yay! Thank you!" Was Ethel said as she rushed to her unicorn with Vulmar helping her up on its back.

"You go ahead and enjoy the rest of the day and this week. Me and Sir Sarsalor have some important government business that we must attend to, for it is our job. Don't forget to study, and see you next week."

"Okay miss Cameron bye!"

Then Captain Bethany Cameron motioned to two Cedna Accord Soldiers who were previously relaxing under a tree as both soldiers rushed to the captain. The two soldiers was an elf and a half-elf who's a Briastrinian, as they both stood erect and saluted to Bethany Cameron.

"We're leaving now, me and Wizard Sarsalor have some daily tasks we must attend to. Watch over Ethel Faulkner, her big brother's gonna be here soon to watch over her."

"Yes mam." Said both the Cedna Accord Soldiers.

Vulmar and Bethany began walking back to the study room and into the door leading inside to the rest of the compound for them to make their leave. All while Ethel Faulkner is riding around in her unicorn around the wide open enclosed areas and fields within compound in rural Briastrin, while also under the protective watch of two Cedna Accord personnel.

Just as Bethany and Vulmar were in the study room and about to reach the door leading to the rest of the compound, they came across Ethel's teenaged brother; Weland Faulkner.

>>51689751
>current background song: >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGBxvUnsYBM

Weland Faulkner still being a teenager of fifteen years, looked up to Bethany Cameron and Vulmar Sarsalor just as he entered the room to be with his younger child sister.

"Hello Captain Bethany Cameron. And mister Sarsalor... I take it my sister's studies under you and your 'government's' care goes well?" He plainly asks, sounding slightly as if tired of something.

"Just well, your sister is quite the pupil. She reads the lessons we give her, does her homework on time, actively recites when needed to. And she just passed her second quiz." Said Vulmar Sarsalor in quite a proud sounding manner. "And how goes your frequent pleasant playtime with Senator Ingraham's half-elven daughter; Lucia?" Vulmar Sarsalor asked Weland this time.

"Dull, it always seems the same. 'Let's play with my dollies.' 'Let's bake some treats my mommy taught me sometime ago.' 'Let me show you photos of the awesome things I did in school.' 'Want to see and play with my pet doggies?' And all that other vapid child's stuff! I'd honestly expect AND wished that Lucia would atleast show me how she does a magic spell, she maybe part human but IS half-elven after all. Shouldn't she know or be learning how to master her elven side's magical abilities?"

"Maybe because Lucia Ingraham is still a child of nine years, still studying in elementary school." Vulmar Sarsalor pointed out.

Weland replied back. "Psh, well when I was that age I was already squire basically. My mother not only had me educated, but had me taught the way of combat by the best warriors of the once Great House Redman, dealing with different types of people. Tutored by the finest bards and minstrels about the fine arts and speech, educated in advanced finances by Masters of Coin.

Why are you superiors insist that I must be paired with a child with childish thoughts for the sake of some 'celebrity' status? Said Weland Faulkner.

>>51689739
doesn't matter how quickly you write, just so long as Storythread is encouraging you to try.

Alright, storyfags. What are some things that inspire you?

>>51692651

This is a pretty obvious one but I often brainstorm while listening to music I like and browsing Sci-Fi and Fantasy art on Artstation.

>>51692651
No idea. All sorts of things. I once got an idea for something from walking past a bonfire for three days in a row and seeing that it was still going.

>>51689931
Weland Faulkner continued on. “When I was told I'd be paired with the daughter of a politician, I did not expect to be stuck with a child that behaves like well. A typical child, I was expecting one with of great credentials and skills... Like I mentioned earlier, I was a squire at the age of nine. My mother wanted me to be like a Paladin, as a Warrior-Leader, to smite any evil and foes that threatened my people and lands. And also to guide my people with faith and the help of the Gods, while also proving to be worthy of the divine blessings aswell... I already had basic knowledge in politics and its intrigues thanks to my mother and closest advisers; before they were all dead that is... Now me and my sister have been reduced to this 'celebrity' status, and my proud family name forever shattered and in ruins, with no help of your governments."

Bethany Cameron then spoke up. "Listen here boy, I know you're still quite bitter and resentful towards us for the death of your mother, the disbanding of your royalty and nobility. But we never, NEVER had intentions of war or conflict against your lands and people. We offered your mother and her allies the chance of an alliance, we made peaceful offers. But your mother made her choice, and we simply did what needed to be done. So don’t think we had anything against your people…”

Weland spoke again. “Whether or not I should believe you, I’m only doing this for my sister. She is the only thing I have left that is dear to me. You just make sure you hold your end of the deal ‘modernizing’ and making Eustran into a better place as you promised… If not, it’s not me you should worry. It is the Gods and their will.”

Vulmar Sarsalor spoke to that. “Believe me, we know what to do. And we know and pray to the Gods for guidance.”

>>51691431
That's actually quite inspirational. Goddamn. Thanks.

>>51692651
The last thing I wrote was...I think in this thread. Two airships.

Honestly, I'll see a pic, or think of something cool, and half of the story is written already. I just need to make the words appear in paper or screen.

>>51692994
Weland looked at Vulmar and Bethany and simply said. “I love my sister, so I just beg and plea that you not take her away from me. Like how you took our mother away from Me and her.”

Vulmar and Bethany both replied. “You have our’s and the Accord’s word.”

“…So, where is she right now? Ethel.” Weland inquired about his sister.

“She is just outside, taking a ride in her unicorn over there. All within the safety of this compound and under the watchful of Accord Personnel, now please excuse me and mister Sarsalor. We have jobs of our own to attend to.”

“Very well then, also I suppose you can tell Senator Amanda Ingraham that I have nothing to do in the weekend and that I can come to whatever party her daughter Lucia has in mind with me.” Weland said to Bethany and Vulmar before they leave.

“Will do.” Said Captain Bethany Cameron. And with that, Bethany walked past Weland, followed with Vulmar. Not before he said “Good day.” To Weland, to which Weland nodded and waved off. As Captain Bethany Cameron and Vulmar Sarsalor left.

Weland walked outside of the study room and to the enclosed field it was connected to. There he saw his sister ridding around her unicorn as it trotted around with the two Cedna Accord Soldiers following close by under orders to watch over her. Weland approached his sister as one of the two soldiers noticed him waved his hand to Weland Faulkner; who also nodded to the soldiers in recognition, Ethel saw him.

“Brother! Hello! How was your time with that half-elf Lucia you told me about?”

Weland smiled to his sister. “Just alright, played around mostly.”

“You know what? I passed an exam miss Cameron and sir Sarsalor gave me.”

“That’s good to know Ethel. Good to know.” He said as he patted his sister’s side and held her hand.

>>>

There you go. The End, so folks. What you think for world building for one of my stories?

>>51693309
Noice

>>51687080
Uh, station Echo? I repeat, station Echo?
Yeah, we got a problem.
Trust me, it's a big one, I'm not bullshitting you.
No, no, we didn't lose one of the boots, they're at site Niner, Victor, Lima. Doing fine, awaiting orders.
Yes, it's an enemy craft. Looks like it's coming in... It's coming in pretty damn hot, ETA of about two hours by the looks of it.
Don't need to photograph it sir.
Just step outside and look up, sir. Take a look around, get a glance at the sky.
Nope, not bullshitting you again, sir.
I don't care if you look like an asshole doing it, sir. You need to see this.
Yeah.
Ain't that a bitch?
I mean... Objective complete, right?
Might wanna start evacuation procedures. Me and the boots are way too far off to make it in time.
God bless you, Sergeant.
Over.

>>51652920
I first met my angel back when I was eight, back when I was on my father's farm in Kansas. I didn't know he was an angel back then, I though he was just some blond kid in a robe. We played around back then, chasing each other through the corn fields and showing him some of the things my dad did on the farm. I had to leave soon though, and when I came back a few months later, that kid wasn't there. The only thoughts I had were regrets that I didn't even ask him for his name or where he lived.

I think I was about twelve when I finally met him again, and none too soon. I had a terrible bike collision, my leg was broken and I was stuck in the hospital for the entire summer. Sure, my friends visited me for a while, but once school began, that was it. They didn't have time to stay around anymore. I felt alone out there, like they just decided to forget about me. Then, one day I dozed off and woke up to find a blond kid again, still in that robe like he never aged a day. I was so excited to see him again that I almost fell off my bed.
I asked him so many questions, where he went, how he found me, who he was. God, I looked like I had a boyfriend or something by the way I acted. I had my friends to blame for that, they were talking about going to some party a few weeks before.
The whole time I spilled out, he just smiled politely. Even as I apologized for talking over him, he just looked so happy to be there with him. I then decided, in all my wisdom, to ask if he was seeing anyone. He said no, so then I asked if I could be his girlfriend.

That was when I learned he was an angel, begotten by God.
The angel told me, "I'm sorry. I can't be with you like that. We don't live in the same times, our lives are just too different." He then revealed his wings and halo to me for the first time. I think the awe I had for him practically blew away every feeling I had. He told me how happy he was that we could be friends even despite him being an angel and me a human.

>>51693309
good work anon

>>51695883
However, he said there were laws forbidding angels from tampering with the lives of mortals. He said that I should live happily with another person, that he'd always be waiting for me up in Heaven. I believed every word of it and then asked that angel I had fallen for what his name was.
It was Cassiel.

The next day, my leg had healed up enough that I could start walking again with my friends. We were right back to talking about everything our minds could think of and it was like I was never even hospitalized. I knew exactly who to thank.

Cassiel came to me again when I was seventeen. It was a really messed up time for me: my best friend almost committed suicide, I was always fighting with my mom about her new husband, and I just found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Quite frankly, I was wondering why I was even alive, and then right next to me was that same childlike angel, still the same as the first time I ever met him. All of these emotions I had just...burst out of me and I found myself crying on his shoulder. I don't think he was expecting any of that, but bless his heart for putting up with me and my miserable sobbing. I also got to hear him praising me for still remembering him, for still being the same girl I used to be when I met him all those years ago.
Just by him telling me that, I think I found my heart go sky-high. I think I would have just kissed him right there if it weren't for the fact that I still had so many worries I had to ask him about. I was worried about my future, I was hoping that my friend would be better, I was scared that I'd never find someone and disappoint the first person I fell in love with. True to from, he consoled me with a smile on his face and just told me that everything would be alright. He assured me that I'll be okay if he was watching over me. I already felt a little warm as his wings spread themselves over me, and soon after I fell asleep in an angel's arms.

further bump

>>51697661
The next morning, my mom asked if I wanted to come with her later so we could talk about her marriage. My friend also came back to school on that day too, and thanked me for still being her friend. When I told her that she should thanking an angel, she just agreed with me and we prayed in thanks.

Now I've graduated college, a degree in Psychology. I'm set to be married to a coworker in a year. Unfortunately, my father also passed away recently from liver cancer. I had to return to his farm to help manage the will and everything.
One night, I just decided to walk outside on those fields I used to play in when I met my guardian angel once more.

"You've grown up," he tells me. "You're now a fine young woman."
It makes me kinda happy. Now that dad's not around anymore, I felt almost like I was already married. "Really? I look that different?"
"I still think it was only the other day when I first met you. You were so precious back then!" He grabs my head and messes my hair a bit. "It's sometimes startling how fast you grow up."
"Stop it!" I break free. As I look at the moon, now so much closer than I once was, I begin feeling a bit nostalgic. "Hey, Cassiel. Remember when we first met?"
"Why bring it up?"
"We met here, remember? I was just wondering... When you played with me back here, did you see everything happening like this?"
"No." He moves beside me. "For all our power, we are not omnipotent like Our Father. We may see the many variable strings and forks in the road, but He is the only one who knows where they lead. It is our duty to guide humanity in the way we see best."
"So what made you pick me?"
"Because you needed a friend." I stared at him dead-on, hoping that this was not the whole story. It sounded so ridiculous coming from an angel that he just decided to be my friend. "We are assigned our charges without much knowledge beyond their names, so it is up to us to determine how our relationship is formed. I decided to be your friend."

>>51701560
"I must be so lucky then," I admit, "to get a guardian angel like you as my friend."
"You might be. But I think I'm also lucky too, to have someone like you confess to me." My cheeks immediately flush at the thought of that act of girlish foolishness. "I know I told you that angels can't love people, but we can still love. I love how earnestly you believed in me for all these years because of one weekend playing around. I love the fact that you always stayed the same sweet person I've known. I love that you were able to rely on me without even asking."
"Please!" I plead, "Please, stop! Really, I'm getting embarrassed here!"
Cassiel's at least polite enough to stop. "Sorry. I'm just as happy as you are that you've been friends with me like this."
"I am. You have no idea how happy I've been ever since we met. I just wish it stays like this."
That angel grabbed my hand as we looked at the moon. "Thank you."

I don't think it needs telling by this point, but I'm sure that my marriage will go perfectly and we'll have the cutest kids ever thanks to Cassiel. I can say all this without doubt because I believe in him. I owe it all to him and when I see him next, I'll tell him that every time I see him.

I've been trying to work on a fantasy piece recently, with an ensemble of characters, like an adventuring party. It's tough to introduce and write more than two or three characters in one short story, I find, but trying it here.

If anyone feels like taking a glance at this first part, and letting me know if it feels like it's going somewhere, I'd appreciate it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dMoM8bgGQ-3MPvZyMnmr3Ve0nHEAzAmVasb-ls49aDA/edit?usp=sharing

Well, we are nearing the end of the lifespan of the thread, but one more bump for good measure can't harm.

>>51708543
I'm still actually planning on finding the time to read everything in this thread. Although I've been telling myself that for the past week.

>>51709683
I'm trying to do the same, though I have to admit, poor mental state makes it harder for me to focus on it and formulate worth-while feedback.
End of the thread times are always like this. Things generally slow down, as with the diminishing lifespan of the thread, people are growing unwilling to post their own works, realizing that it's less likely people will read them before the thread archives, things are generally slowing down, most are trying to catch up on their reading last minute...

I'm mostly just happy to see the thread making it this far and not abruptly dying like the last few times, and starting to look forward to the next one, figuring out how I could actually contribute and which work to focus on and finish, so I could finally post something of my own again.

How about another bump?

>>51547733
Red

Mila was frozen on the spot, as red clouded her vision. The color of blood filled her, as her heart beat ed faster and faster. A sweet smell carried through the air, and engulfed her senses.

Then she saw movement in the red. What looked like a dog on hind legs, with razor sharp teeth, crawled around. At first it didn't notice her. The dog seemed to walk comfortably on its legs, and then sniffed the air. Then it looked directly at Mila.

Mila was still paralyzed, even as it walked toward her. Red ichor dripped from its hide, and a toothy predatory grin stretched across its face. It opened its mouth wide, and said "Open up, Mila."

Mila found herself able to move her face, and tried to scream. Instead, the dog rammed itself into her mouth.

"Mila! Damn, she might need a hospital!" said Mila's friend, Marco. He decided to call 911. Yeah, he might get in trouble for giving her drugs, but he couldn't let her die. He picked up the phone, and was about to dial, when a hand wrenched the phone from his hand.

Mila had awoken. Her eyes were wide-open, and her skin was unnaturally pale, except for her veins, which were bright red.

"Are you okay? I swear, Titus needs to stop buying weed from those shifty cheap places down the block," said Marcus.

"It wasn't weed. It was something even better," said Mila. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, like she had never seen it before.

"What was it?" said Marco. He decided to call it a night. Mila was acting a little weird.

Mila looked back at him, and gave him the most blood-curling grin he had ever seen. He unconsciously stepped back, and Mila crawled toward him, still grinning. She smelled sweet, though Marco didn't recall the scent from earlier. Was her teeth always that sharp? Soon, her face was inches from his.

"It was red. So much red. Here, let me show you," said Mila.

>>51710736
I generally think that this point in the thread is a good time to post feedback on other people's stories

>>51704547
It's not bad. Good banter, even if you do lay it on just a little too thick in a few places. Only criticism is that four pages worth of dialogue would generally be better off either being shorter or interspersed with non-dialogue; banter's fine but any joke can wear thin if it goes on too long (my suggestion would be to start by cutting the bit with the half-naked gambler).

>>51713512
short but sweet. I like it.

>>51715574
Thank you. I dunno why I always write horror stuff.

>>51715574
Cut the gambling scene, or cut the character?

Her appearance during that scene is something of a foreshadowing to what she's like in combat, she's a berserker who'll be glimpsed wading through melee drenched in blood barely dressed.

>>51715992
>I dunno why I always write horror stuff.
Because you're good at it?

What else have you written.

>>51716038
not knowing what's coming next I'm not going to tell you to cut the character entirely, but I would rethink how close you're stepping towards magical realm with a half-naked warrior chick with red hair down to her bare buttocks. You seem to have achieved a decent degree of realism in their interactions. Don't throw it away by including something so... so... okay, I'm not sure what I'd call it exactly but you get the idea. I also think her accent is a little extreme. You might be able to get the character to work overall, but I certainly wouldn't introduce her like this.