Your most recent character has been asked to write a book to

>>51516163
LOL that one about fucking a lizard girl from that one video game LOL

>>51516163

>How I Did It

Ciamar a bha mi mallaichte gu sgrìobhadh a-mhàin ann an cànan nach eil fios aig duine.

>>51516163
Why the Mad God Is the One God
with subtext
Including manual on proper hair care

Those Elves Were Asking For It

>>51516163
How I Did Nothing Right, but The World Was Saved Anyways

Dive, Don't Fall
-an ex-paladin's guide to moral quandaries

>>51516163
>Pray, Eat, Slay Vampires
>Coming to terms with yourself and Barovia

>>51516163
>"How I Accidentally A God"

>>51516163
Character already well known author.
Volume 3 first draft is already done.
>Millien Faux, Bard at Large

"Take their money, and never give it back! One Toydarian's tale of Trade and guide to how to hire non-incompetent henchmen on the cheap!"

>>51516163
"HOW TO HIT THINGS GOOD: A Poorly Illustrated Guide for Fightan With Your Fists"

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>>51516163
"How to go through The Devil's Spine without losing a hand in the process. - A practical guide about not giving a fuck."

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>The Prettiest Greenskin in the land: The story of how I, Gene Redkeeper, kicked everyone's ass.

>>51516163
Keep Your Hands Off My Daughter or I Will Fucking End This World
It's mostly one long stream of conscience yandere ramblethreat. One chapter is the navy seal copypasta, but with all defences to navy seals being replaced by references to magical girls.
Comes with the companion audio book Mom, Stop Being a Total Psychopath.

Faith, Fate, and Vodka: How to Interpret Anything as the Will of Your God.

>The Collective Ramblings of a Drunken Priest

>>51516163
"How to get into the Great Library of Adventurers while still having done very little"

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>Love is a lie: Ethics and the school of Enchantment

>>51516163
"How-to kill heretics with a spoon and a shot of vodka" - by Arch-confessor Smirnoff.

>>51516163
An Explosive Rune. Not as in there's an Explosive Rune on the cover, but that the title is literally "An Explosive Rune."
The first page of the book is a preface that says that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
The second page is an explosive rune.

>>51516163
>The Art of the Deal

Orphans and why you should never trust them

>>51516163
>The Broken Man

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>>51516163
>Mémoires of Gregory, Cleric of Pelor and the struggle of Jaquouille's Companionship against the plague.

Fucking desease-ridden cultists.

>General Fuckery: Spicing up life with MAGIC and MACHINES

He can't read, but if he was dictating it, it would probably be, "How to Make People Celebrate You Punching People to Death"

>>51516163
>Ravnica (and why no sane person should ever take up permanent residence there if they have a choice)

>>51516163
"Biscuits & Gravy With Strangers: Essays on the Virtue of Men"

How to Kill a Manticore in One Punch (and Other Things That Totally Happened for Real, I Promise)

War: What It's Good For

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>>51516163
"Much Ado About Nothing"

>>51518090
>War: What It's Good For
Wish I saved that one page from Nikolai Dante where the Tzar is asked the same question.

" I'm not even sure which side I'm on: memoirs of a triple-agent"

"Lady Luck is Fucking Cuck"

Character was NEVER hit by anyone for almost two real life years. And then he died the first time he got hit.

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>>51518096
"The Tempest"

Or, alternatively, ""Why the fuck am I on fire again!?" An Inquisitor's Tale"

>>51516180
Kek.

"Incest and Succubi: a manifesto."

How can you write a book when you are illiterate?

>>51516163
"I hate adventuring and how it took my comfortable life away: A story about how a million slashes couldn't kill me but being a absent father and husband was my main concern."

>>51518444
You find someone you trust and who is literate and tell them what to write.

"What the Fresh Fucking Hell Is a Goddamned 'Bear' Anyway, or; Why Nobody Should Leave the Desert Under Any Circumstances."

These are all good.

A guide to field surgeries for barbarians by barbarians.

By Throk Ukalak

>>51516163
"Incendiary explosive devices in urban guerilla warfare"

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>>51516163
>On Killing the Gods and Facilitating the Usurper
Alternatively
>Killing the Empire With a Loli: A Biography

if it's in his current level

>How to Not Die in Japan and Still Have Fun Doing It

if he meets his endgoal

>China: A Retrospective on How I Managed to Turn a Country Into a Rape Nation

or

>How to Overthrow the Japanese Emperor With Just a Mercenary Band and A Whole Lot of Luck

All of the three books would be extremely cheery and polite, motivating you to become a ruler and with fun quizzes at the end of each chapter to test how much you've learned, it comes with an audiobook and a little bookend that says "You can do it!" on a bunch of languages except japanese

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"Noble Blood Is Red, or ow to rise an underhive rebellion and lead it against Spirer motherfucker in the name of Khorne.

>>51516163
>How to live being the son of the God of evil
And the subtitles would be something like "you don't have to be edgy!"

>>51516163
>Pirate Flags to Noble Riches: How Punching a Farmer to Death Made a Goblin Monk into a Duchess...

>>51516163
>Men, Plants, and Beasts
>An Illustrated Guide to Killing Along the Sword Coast

>>51516163
>Professionalism in Trying Times
Alternatively,
>How to Herd Cats: A Guide to Dealing with Idiots

>>51516163
"Why You Should Always Listen To Your Henchmen."
By Number 576

>>51516163
>The Fall of Korvosa: A Survivor's Tale
>Practical and Impractical Conjurations: A Survivor's Tale
>Coping with Feelings of Inadequacy and Powerlessness: A Survivor's Tale
>Korvosan Cuisine: A Survivor's Tale

>>51516163
>101 Ways to cook Insects

>>51516163
>Dude, Where's My Soul?

>>51516163
Shenanigans: a practical guide to bullshiting your way out of combat

>Sailing beyond the End of the World, adopting a child, getting your girl and slaying gods: How I learned to stop worrying about fate

>>51516163
He just sweats nervously, plays it off coolly and never returns because he is illiterate.

>>51517096
>>51518444
>>51520783
Brothers in illiteracy!

Maps of the Sumber Hills
(Above and below ground)

>>51516163

The World's Most Dangerous Beasts, and How I Killed Them: the Man Behind the Myth.

"How to write a book without being able to write: a Tale by Errok the orc"

"How to go from Zero to Hero: A guide by King Allblue."

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"Overcoming Existential Despair: Memoirs of a Paladin whose too old for this shit"

"How to get the girl: Or, Janitorial Techniques"

"A Bard's Conundrum: Slaying A Bad Guy With Bad Puns" (rhymed edition)

>>51516163

>I don't want to live on this planet anymore: Discovering monster girls and their fetishes.

"Why None Of This Was My Fault - 101 Ways to Deflect Blame"

>>51516163
The Fae and the Dragons of [Name of the island]

>I grapple the dire bears: how a bad sense of direction caused me to conquer multiple mountains, become king of the bears, and never find my way home.

"Mercy My Shield, Justice My Sword: One Knight's Quest For Goodness and Glory"
"Blood and Oil: The Will of The Great Machine Spirit"

>>51516163
The Best Candy Ever

>>51516163
Limbs & Lube: Adventurer's Guide to Size Training

>>51516163
'I'm a burglar but I didn't do it'
By Salvo 'fastfingers' Fishfinger, Halfling Thief

As a forever GM, the last memorable NPC:
>what not to do if your friend brought four people in armors and a bottle of wine
>or how I died

One Spider's Quest to become Mayor

>>51516163
"Super Orc Vitality" or
"Better living through arcane waterfilters"

>Pelor's cleric tribulations: How can a succubus non-literally fuck you up.

>>51516985
You rolled Jeff Goldbloom?

>>51516163
>The Grand Adventures of Renowned Bard and Undisputed Arch-Sexmaster Skaldeg Strongjaw

It'd simply be titled with her name.

She is firmly of the belief that this would be sufficient.

>Mass murder and you.
>How I learned to stop caring and love cloud kill.

> Obrimos
Dude has a flair for the dramatic, of course he would only put his path as the title of his book.

>>51516163
>This shit is weird: a varric tethras novel.

>I can't die and other tales of my suffering.

To boldly retreat: How the prince of squatfolks turned fragments of the people and made an empire.

Elves are not lewd they are a proud noble race

>>51516163
"Killing lots of demons."

70 Axioms for Actually Competent Adventurers

Ringelpiez mit Anscheissen!

>>51516163
>"We wuz lordz".

>>51516163
Death of a salesman and a priest and a guard and a king and a city and a....

>>51516163
50 Shades of Heresy
A paladins guide to ethical questions

>>51516163
Omjag for Dummies! A Beginner's Guide to Killing Cowardly Chromatics

>>51516163
>wouldn't write a book, more like a glamour style magazine.
10 useful tips to hiding your hate for your companions and spice up your sex life with this 4 simple tricks.
Compendium for healsluts.

>>51516163
A Warforged's Guide to Tea

>>51516163
>The Blessings of Lolth
It's about how to summon spirit guardians (swarm of magic spiders) to defeat your enemies. It'll have pictures like in that one gif/webm with all the spiders raining down on a suburb. Also some stuff about Polymorph and advanced (more fun) torture techniques.

>>51522848
I'd read it. I was in a party with a half-surface-elf. And was a healer.

The Undead Spread

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>>51523051

How to boobytrap your spaceship for your own safety - From crew and hostile boarders alike!

I Row to Seduce: Forbidden Love in the Ork Galleys.

I Might Have Accidentally Started World War IV, and other short stories: The Memoirs of an Airheaded Thief

>Monster mash: simple tips & tricks on how to fend off the undead at home.

>>51516163
We Were Kangz
by Hardhead Blagtoof the Crusher

The true story of ultimate courage and compassion by Hardhead to overcome the constraints of the hard reality of Human discrimination and prejudice to create equality between himself and his clan Da Headhuntas. With philosophical musings on Humanities appropriation of Orcish culture and oppression of its peaceful people.

taught in highschools everywhere

>>51516163
"101 uses for explosives."

פילוסופיה של גויים ובאיזה דרך לא לנצל את זה

>>51516163
Vampires are dicks.

>>51516163
>Losing your Faith but Carrying On Anyway: A How-to Guide

>>51516163
"How to kill a dragon whit magic"
By Mootix, the old gnome archivist

Dinojesus kill dwarf Hitler with the sun

>>51518171
real as fuck

>>51520837
Elemental Evil?

The Story of the Black Baron: A Misunderstanding.

It would basically be a long "I dindu nuffin" defense text.

>Sidequesting for fun and profit, or The Main quest can wait.

>>51516163
Tieflings: The Plague of the Planes


He was a tiefling that vigilantly hates tieflings.

>>51516163
>"Whoops I Became More Powerful than the Old Ones"

>>51516163
>How I left my group of memeing idiots behind and committed suicide so I won't have to live with the memory of spending time with them

>>51516163
You might be a criminal : 10 steps to better your lawless self.

She'd then stay in ambush at the library.

"Flurry of Blows and Other Useful Euphemisms"

>>51516163
Why whisky and enchanting don't go together.

>>51524429
>puts book of knowledge in library
>kills anyone that attempts to obtain said knowledge

Your character is retarded

>Avast Ye Squab: A Practical Guide To Pigeon-Keeping At Sea

>>51524494
She is, yes.

>>51524549
Fair enough.You have my permission to continue

Falling Down Three Flights of Stairs For Dummies

>>51516163
>Improving Your Efficiency
>Split the Party to Cover More Ground.

and its sequel
>Don't Bother With Names, They Won't Be Around Long

>>51516163
Large Insertions and You

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>>51524766
I'll take 10!

>>51516163
Fantastic breasts and where to find them.

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>>51524790
HERESY!

>>51524819
You're just jealous you have nothing to insert into other than neophytes!

>>51524856
Totally got me

>>51516163
I Was a Teenage Time Mage: A Guide to Time Travel.

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>>51516163
"The Culture of Critique: An Evolutionary Analysis of Goblin Involvement in 16th Century Intellectual and Political Movements"

My character would name the goblin.

>>51516163
"Is it safe to stick my dick in there? An erotic adventurer's handbook"

>It's like the "Lonely Planet" books, but for perverts!
-Absalon the Depraved

>This book has saved me tons on regeneration potions!
-Long John Silver II, previously known as Stumpson I, previously known as Long John Silver I

>That goblin remind me of wide eyed girl I used to see in Bangladesh. She was a nasty little curry eater!
-Tito "Dick" Dickman

>Wait, ogre MEN wear thongs?
-Scumzuma, regretting his skill selection

>ALRIGHT, HOLD MY BEER
-Zeus, father of the gods

>>51516163
>Beast-People And You: How To Smite Those Parasite-Ridden Bastards
To clarify, he is a LN Minotaur Paladin

Path of Conjuration and You, or Why Aren't the Tremere Ruling The World Yet? A treatise on the bloodline's most neglected "I WIN" button.

I Fucking Hate Fairies: The Autobiography of the new Fairy Queen

"Why Evocation is best school of magic"

Common Misconceptions of chronological time, chaos portals, and primordial pools.
How I created all life.

>>51516163
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCKING DAMN IT!
A Bard's Tale.

All these are way too long, I'd keep the the name short and simple like "My challenges" or something to that effect

>>51526176
My Struggle

synopsis: the final solution to troublesome party members

The Saga of Theorg the Giant-Slayer
The story of how the great barbarian hero Theorg (actually a ranger from a village of farmers) son of so-and-so from the tribe of such-and-thing quested forth and got the last hit on a bunch of monsters. The other members of the party play bit parts softening the monsters up for Theorg.

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>>51526206

>Why you should stay at home and have a nice family: life teachings from the paladin who has seen some shit

Behold my Demons! Tales and Incantations from the Life of the Devil Summoner.

>>51526417
>half the book is illustrations of nude women

>>51516163
>Travelling with Necrophages: a Tale of Dust Eveloution, Endless Ruins, and Romance

>>51526511
>the other half of the pages are stuck together

>>51516963
A lesson in caution and to trust their instincts for new adventurers.

>>51526417

>hoy

>>51516163

Ser Bellowbeck's Guide to Human Etiquette,Habits and Cautions for the Eldritch Reader.

>Party hard, Smite harder: The joys of being a cleric.

>>51516163
"Horrible Creatures and How to Avoid Them"
A survivor from KDM who ran away from a near-wipe fight.

>>51516163
Cliff's Notes: The Akashic Records.

>>51516163
How to almost die and then play it off like its nothing

>Contingency Planning for Dummies

>>51516163
>So You Want to be an Adventurer, by Sir Galahart

>Volume 1: Mermaids. A Lesson in Disappointment

>>51516163
>Should I Shank Them?
>an handy guide on how not to give up your violent tendencies while still being socially acceptable
Highlights on why explosives should always be your top supply priority, how to minimize (but most notably maximize) body count and how to get away with it in a lawful organization.

Wonders of the World
A complete review of the most magical locations by someone who's been there and done that
Complete with illustrations

>>51531706
changing for "Includes illustrations"

If he was to do just an article:
10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Build an All-Female Boarding School by a Haunted Forest

>"How to Balance Everyone Hating You on Sight and Being Powerful: A Kobold's Tale

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"Seeking the Ultimate Mutual Pleasure Across the Boundaries of Species (It's male kobolds and female nixies)"

>>51516163
Adventures in Fucking Up:
How to fail gracefully in the face of maddening circumstance

>>51516163
Death and Taxes; Sheep herders Story - By Jebediah 'Book' Sheppard, Paladin of Baa-Haumut

Efficient Sailing for Humans: an Android Analysis.

>>51516163

Every King I've Met Is Retarded, a series of essays on the drawbacks of hereditary rule

The bears are coming, and you are one of them.
A Bearington tale

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>>51516163
>Shit Can't Attack Me If It's Dead, 5,698 Different Ways To Kill A Man With A Shield.
OR
>How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Shield.

Gnome Hunter; They ride spiders now.

>>51516163
Fools Rush In

A Collection of Essays, Ruminations, and Personal Anecdotes on the Dangers of Pit Traps

>>51516163
"How to impregnate a princess - The tale of the man eating monster"

"Murder, and how to do it in a socially acceptable manner"

Depopulating the Mediterranean; Bee's are your friends, a 'How To' to Not Bee Villans

"How To Be The Very Best (Like No One Ever Was): A Druid's Guide To Adventure"

Playing Bug Exterminator In Seattle

>"When taking on a job, it's best to ask for all the details; even if it's a last request from your deceased friend. Some might argue that the last part is especially important. They would be right."

>"Now, don't get me wrong, I loved the guy (not in that way, drek heads), still do, even if our friendship was based on having the same first name; but he had a way of suckering people into doing things for him by leaving out details. Such as being related to a head of a Mega Corp, which would've been nice to know before I raided his building for glorified bug spray. But I'm getting ahead if myself."

>"In this book, not only will I be telling you my tale of my stint in Seattle, you newcomers to the business will be getting lessons in what and what not to do, such as making sure to geek the mage. If there's one thing that's nearly valuable as money, that's knowledge."

'How to get your dick sucked by more than twenty species'
And the follow up book: ' How to avoid interspecies STD's in 34 simple steps'

>>51516163
How to talk yourself into trouble: The sequel

Shifting alignments and having a crisis of faith for peasents

>>51516163

Being the Moral Compass: A Practical Guide to Being An Unobstrusive Good Influence.

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Magic and Entrepreneurship

I Was an 8 Year Old Jedi Clone: How the Republic May Be Ethically Questionable

>>51516163
Being Lucifer for dummies: How a college student with ESP fucked up an alternate dimension.

Le Vie en Rogue: How to get rich using others to do the violence for you.

>>51522669
Gonna need some context

How I accidentally became the Pope of rape

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A Practical Guide to the Manufacture and Usage of Alchemy in the Field.
>Chapters: Secretions and Their Uses, How to Acquire Samples Without the Subject's Knowledge, Know Your Detonators, Publishing Your Results--With Extreme Prejudice
Any class that specializes in making things explode without any hocus-pocus is a top-tier class in my book.

Give Me Back My Fucking Ship, a tale of piracy, entombment, undeath and adventure. Penned by Captain Henry Lee.

>How I almost got beheaded and other kid's bedtime stories

>>51516163
Robots and Mages: Why Technology Should be Left Alone

>>51516163
D&D character: "The advantages and disadvantages of being drunk on high-grade liquor when adventuring, and how to kick the habit." By Alasdair Cinead.

Other roleplay: "A guide to having sex with everything that won't get you pregnant, a Kitsune's tale."

>>51516163
>Hero to Zero to Beaver: Why you shouldn't trust wizards.

>>51518266
I need context for this one.

>>51516163
Living with a Gaira Dragon.

The appendix would contain handy spells that heal or rebuild a shattered pelvis, along with advice on how to keep off her bad side, and what precautions to take or spells to prepare should you find yourself ON her bad side.

Last page would have "NEVER MAKE A PACT WITH ONE, I'M NOW IMMORTAL AND SHE'S ALWAYS IN THE MOOD HELP ME!" in invisible ink.

>>51516163
"Kobold Memouirs" by Tucker Greckle

The recollections of a nameless grunt who rose to capable Specialist under the employ/rule of Dr Evil the Draco-Lich.

>>51516598
>>51516768
lol

>>51516163
How i met your mother, a bard's tale.

Now, the question is whether or not any of these books are worth reading.

>>51551892
There's only one answer.

"Every Time I Meet New People They Die"
By CARNIFEX THE DESTROYER, also known as Yik-Yik.

For some reason, every other PC dies around him.

Untitled, this book has no text

"How to Do Big Shit, the Novel"
or alternatively
"Becoming a God With the Worst Luck"

>>51516163
Let Me Tell You About My Character

>>51516163
"Mythological Creatures and How To Eat Them:
From Tracking to Seasoning."

Sequel "Celestial Creatures" is still in the works.

>>51524790
Best I can do it 8 & headpats.

>>51516163
01000111 01100101 01101110 01101111 01100011 01101001 01100100 01100101 00100000 01000001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101111 01110010 01111001

only available on floppy disk

>>51516163
>Elf Slave: What To Do, a Comprehensive Guide

>>51516163
Punching Things: The Do's and Don'ts

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(In Elvish)

A Druid's Life or: Why won't these fucking people just leave me alone?

Non-Recognized Intelligent Creatures and How to Bring Them Into our Society.

Supernatural creatures and how to lay them:
from mating rituals to injury treatment.

>>51516163
Fallen Petals Scattered on Snow - How I left the mortal world by falling from an airship and became a ghost

The book is simply titled "Help"

>>51516163
How I Fucked Up and Unleashed a Bloodthirsty Cursed Weapon: A True Tale of Mistakes and Heroism*

>*footnote: the none of the heroism was done by me, but by the people cleaning up my mess.

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The Zone and where to Hunt in it

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>>51516163
Don't Trust the Wizard
or
This fucking faggot betrayed us 3 times in a row

>>51522532
>promptly relegated to the "fiction" section

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>>51516163
Unleashing the psychic robozombie apocalypse upon the universe was totally worth the 40,000 or so credits we made: how to look on the bright side of ushering forth the apocalypse.

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how I got ripped in 2 weeks thanks to the power of EXP (and how you can too)

Collateral Damage.
How I betrayed my friends, lost my humanity and destroyed everyone and everything I'd ever known.
Or
Doing the Right Thing: Not as simple as you'd think.

>>51555022
Thought that's Rob Liefeld's work, but then I noticed the feet. And the signature.

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>>51524528

I wanted to post this image alongside this, but I couldn't because I was on my phone.

It's been bothering me literally for days.

>>51516163
FUCK NECROMANCERS
(less humouriously an encyclopedia of necromancers, necromancy, their profane productions and the way to combat them, provided and supported by an undead, with editing via the goddess of death and her mortal followers volume 1.)

>>51555246
>FUCK NECROMANCERS
A Comprehensive Guide

The Economics of Necromancy, a.k.a making bucks from bones

>>51516163

The book would be named "DILL: HOW I'MMA WAS BECOME GOOD DOGGY"
The book itself would be a pop-up book of his travels seen from his point of view, with translation from Common (with a very poor grammar) to Dog (grammatically perfect as any druid can attest).
There is a weird contrast as while it's filled with plenty of childish-level drawings, the calligraphy style is top-notch.

>>51516163
It's a comic

>>51516163
Fantastic Asses and Where to Find Them

>>51516163
>Why You Shouldn't Fight God

Powers are Bullshit, and other survival tips

>>51516163
>bones and wine.
>Why skelitintons are so hot